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imyourliquor-youremypoison · 24 days

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Trainwreck (OC fiction) - Part 5

MASTERLIST

2.6 words

Roman spent the majority of his week-end trying to call Joyce and sending her messages that all went unanswered.

The rest of it he spent ignoring Alma’s texts. He read them, and couldn’t fathom why he was with this girl in the first place. The poor excuse of an apology she sent him was nothing but condescending and put all the blame on him.

He knew- godammit he knew he had messed up on both sides, but he hadn’t crossed any lines. Sure, it was unfair to Alma that he had started spending so much time with Joyce, and it had been terrible to hide Alma from Jo. He’d buried his own grave, there was no denying that now. The only thing left to do was clean up the mess.

He rarely saw Joyce on Mondays; she had late classes while he was on campus in the morning. However, he could not avoid Alma, who knew his schedule and furiously strode in his directions right now. Roman sighed.

He had known this was coming, although he had hoped to get a few more days of respite. He rubbed his chin, mentally preparing for the heated conversation to come. Alma would not go down easy.

“You fucking bastard!” she yelled at him the second she reached him, and shoved him in the chest, making Roman take a few steps back.

He kept his hands in his coat pockets.

“You’ve got some nerve, you know that? You just left me up and hanging the other day even though I was there for you!” She was seething, and his lack of reaction only encouraged her in her anger. “And then you ignored my texts all week-end like some sulking child?”

“I needed a moment to think,” he told her calmly. “And if your texts were supposed to be apologetic, you’ll need to work on that.”

“Apologize?!” she nearly screeched. “I have nothing to apologize for, you fucking freak! You’re the one who forced me, your girlfriend, to spend an entire evening with your side piece.”

Roman saw red but forced himself to swallow back the burning insult on the tip of his tongue. Balling up his fists but keeping his hands in his pockets, he took a beat to take a breath.

“Joyce is my friend, Alma-“

“Friends don’t look at you the way she does, and don’t even pretend you haven’t noticed, it’s written all over her face – and yours.”

No, he wouldn’t deny it, that much he did owe her. He bit down on his lip.

“It’s actually pretty pathetic how obviously in love she is with you,” Alma kept pushing, spewing her venom, arms crossed over her chest. “I’d feel bad for her if I gave a damn how she felt.”

Roman swallowed but didn’t let it show on his face that she said affected him in any way.

“You know, I find it awfully convenient that after barely seeing you for weeks, you suddenly take a renewed interest in me and our so-called relationship,” Roman laughed bitterly. “Looks to me like you’re only throwing a fit because you feel threatened.”

“Me? Threatened? By her?” Alma laughed one of her hateful laughs that Roman despised. He knew she had a side like this, a little bully inside her that mocked and ridiculed others to make herself feel better, but he had never been at the receiving end of it. “She wishes she were me. And not just because you’re screwing me.”

“Oh really? Very classy, Alma.” Roman snarled. “I don’t remember the last time I even touched you, she’s got nothing to be jealous of. Especially now that she realized just how ugly you are on the inside.”

That seemed to get to her, and Alma even looked around for a heartbeat, making sure no one had heard him, as if she was more worried about what people thought of her relationship than by actually saving it.

Not that there was much to save. He couldn’t believe how long it had taken him to see her for who she was. He shook his head.

“Is that it, then?” she continued. “You started talking to a discount store version of me because you didn’t get enough puss-“

“Håll din jävla käft![1]” Roman shouted suddenly, cutting her off.

“English, please! How many times do I have to tell you that I hate it when you speak a language I can’t understand?” she shouted right back, apparently not caring if they attracted attention now.

Roman paused then. His mouth slowly turned into a little smile as he thought about the other day, when Jo had clumsily spoken Swedish to him. Of course, it had been to tell him that she left, but still, she had spoken his language. He hadn’t taught her anything – she hadn’t asked and although she had never said anything about his occasional exclamation in his native tongue, he never thought she’d take an interest in it.

“You can’t understand because you never tried, you’re too self-centered for that,” Roman finally told Alma, looking her dead in the eye. “We’ve been together for over a year and you have never cared. You don’t care about anyone but yourself, and I’m done with you.”

“What- What do you mean? You can’t just leave me,” she protested, not believing what she heard. “You’ll regret this,” she added, reverting back to threats.

“I don’t think I will. You know what I just realized?”

“What?” she spat out.

“I don’t even like you. It’s over Alma, go make someone else miserable.”

The moment Roman turned his back on her and walked away, he felt the weight of the world disappear from his shoulders. He ignored her shouts of protest. At the same moment, his phone buzzed with a new notification.

It was a text from Jo.

The text had been brief, she only asked him to please give her some space because she needed to think. Not the kind of messages he preferred, especially since he needed to talk to her.

Roman waits until the next day, because she always took the same train on Tuesdays, so he would hopefully be able to talk to her.

She apparently decided to avoid him because she was not in their usual spot. Never mind, he would find her even if it took the whole trip – and find her he did, just fifteen minutes before arrival. She was sitting alone in a corner, headphones on, a book in her hands but she didn’t read it, she stared outside the window.

She didn’t hear or see him coming, so she startled when Roman placed a hand on her shoulder to signal his presence.

“Shit! You scared me,” Jo said, closing her eyes. “W-what are you doing here?”

“Combed through every wagon until I found you,” he admitted sheepishly. “I got your text yesterday, but I can’t leave things the way we left them on Saturday.”

There was a long silence during which Joyce swallowed thickly, already sensing that this conversation would be hard.

“Do you want to sit down?” she still asked. And the moment he was sitting next to her, it was like always – comfortable, natural.

“I’m so sorry about what happened. I know Alma is difficult, but I never expected her to-“ He closed his lips in a tight line and shook his head, eyes closed. “Never mind. Let’s not talk about her, she’s done enough damage.”

“Actually, I do want to talk about her,” Joyce said, surprising him. “Not talking about her is the reason why we’re in this situation in the first place.”

Not particularly happy about this, Roman still nodded in agreement, understanding what she meant, where she came from. She was right, of course. He had started this by not telling her about Alma, so if she wanted – needed – to know more now, he would answer all her questions.

“What do you want to know?” he asked her. “I’ll answer anything you want. I feel so bad about all of it, you can’t imagine.”

She seemed to ponder the matter.

“Why on earth are you dating the Wicked Witch of the West?”

Roman stared at Joyce for a beat, then laughed.

“What? That’s your question?”

“I’m serious. In all the time we’ve spoken, you’ve always been nice, well-mannered, put together – probably due to your royal upbringing even if you deny it – so how did you end up with this viper?” Even now, Jo couldn’t help teasing him a bit, and it warmed his heart.

But his smile slowly dropped, while Joyce’s stare on him didn’t waver.

“Honestly?” He sighed deeply, rubbing his droopy eye with his thumb, then looking into the distance. “Our relationship has always been complicated, but you have to understand, I wasn’t with her because I loved her. I was never in love with Alma, it wasn’t like that.”

If there was one thing she had to take away from this conversation, that was it. He needed to make sure she knew he didn’t love Alma. They had something… shallow. Something so surface-level he didn’t think twice about leaving her when she showed her ugly side to Joyce. Joyce, who deserved to much better, so much more.

Jo’s frown deepened and she seemed more lost than ever. Roman glanced at his phone and saw there wasn’t much time left until the train reached its destination, and he still had a lot to tell her.

“Then why?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure how it happened.”

“I don’t follow.” Joyce crossed her arms over her chest, but the gesture had nothing to do with the defensive stance Alma had taken during their fight yesterday. Jo held onto her sweater like it was the only thing holding her together.

“We- well, we started seeing each other casually, at first,” Roman began hesitantly. “Nothing serious, just… for fun, you know? I don’t remember the exact moment it happened, I don’t recall ever asking her out or anything, we just- sort of… ended up together.”

He looked at her and saw she was holding her breath, waiting for him to say more.

“I guess it felt like the logical thing to do after a while, I didn’t really question it when she started hanging out with me more, or introduced me as her boyfriend. I didn’t mind.” He hadn’t had anything to lose by being with her, not until he met Joyce. Not until he got a taste of what it could feel like to be with something he truly got along with, someone who felt like his person. “But it quickly became mechanical. She gets bored easily and I often didn’t hear from her for days. Until her little display last week, I hadn’t even gotten a text from her in two weeks. Two weeks.”

Joyce looked outside again, watching the landscape go by as she took in what he was telling her. Her eyes seemed a little glassy now, so maybe she needed to look away from him to recompose herself.

“What does it mean now? You’re going back to your fucked-up relationship with your psycho girlfriend and we pretend you’re not already taken and that it doesn’t hurt?” Her voiced cracked on the last word, and Roman had never fought himself so hard not to take her in his arms – and he had wanted to more than once since they met. “Because it does hurt, Roman. I’m not sure I can go back to how things were before finding out.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

“Then what am I supposed to d-“

Her sentence was interrupted by the announcement that their train was arriving at their stop. His time was up. Joyce seemed to give up on what she was going to say and began to put her belongings back into her bag.

“I broke up with her yesterday,” Roman blurted out before Jo could run off away and he had to wait another week to see her again. “I couldn’t stand the thought that she had gotten between us.”

Jo nearly dropped the entire contents of her bag on the floor but Roman’s reflexes prevented the catastrophe and caught it. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out.

“I should have done it months ago,” he continued as they walked towards the exit, slowly stepping out of the train and onto the platform. “Alma and I had never been happy, we were just used to being together by now. But I knew it was over after the first time you sat next to me.”

Jo was shaking her head as she stepped out of the way to avoid the sea of people exiting the train and rushing towards their bus or metro connection.

“Don’t say things like that if you don’t mea-“

“I mean it, Jo.” Roman’s hands shot out and landed on her shoulders. “I don’t think I’ve ever had such a physical reaction to meeting someone. I just couldn’t stay away from you, even knowing Alma would be mad, and it was wrong, and we might all get hurt in the process. Seeing you… talking to you... it was all worth it.”

“Are you trying to make it worse?” she shouted, suddenly angry. She shook him off and took a step backwards. He could tell she was holding back tears now, and perhaps he had pushed too far. Perhaps he had already ruined this beautiful thing they had. “Because right now, it feels like you’re doing everything you can to make it hurt more.”

It hit him in the chest like a head-on collision, knocking him breathless for a second.

“I- I..” he stammered, unable to find the right words. “I thought-“

“Well, that’s just the thing, isn’t it?” Jo cut him off. “You didn’t think. You acted regardless of the consequences. What do you expect me to do now? Invite you into my bed because you’ve broken up with your girlfriend, whom you’ve hid from me for months, making me believe there was something between us?”

“There is something between us!” Roman exclaimed. Whatever he said, he knew she would take it the wrong way, he was only digging his own grave at this point. His shoulders sagged. “I deserve your anger. But I’ll prove you that I’m serious. I won’t give up on us.”

She tried not to let is show that it touched her, that he said it out loud that there indeed was something going on between them, that it wasn’t just in her head. Her bout of anger deflated as quickly as it burst out. Joyce rubbed her mouth with one hand, sighing.

“There is no us!” Jo countered half-heartedly, brushing away a stray tear running down her cheek. God, wasn’t that fantastic? Now everyone would see she had cried with her smudged makeup.

“But there could be,” Roman insisted. “I can almost touch it.” He tentatively reached out, but thought better of it just before their hands brushed. Jo shuddered as Roman’s fingers curled into a fist. “Don’t you want to find out what we could be together?”

He had the voice of a mad scientist of the verge of a breakthrough – of someone so close to his goal he grew desperate. And for the first time, Joyce wondered if maybe, he wasn’t hurting more than her. She shook away that parasite thought before it could take root.

“I want to be with you,” she stated, clearly enunciating each syllable. “Do you understand that? Do you understand that if you push, I will give in?” Her voice was getting raspy now, she found it harder and harder not to burst into tears and run back home.

Roman’s chest swelled with so much hope, he thought he might burst, but his joy was short-lived.

“Make sure you remember that next time you see me. Because whatever happens now, is on you.”

[1] ‘Shut the hell up’.

#writing is hard #alyssa talks #bill skarsgård

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jungkxook · 1 year

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cherry wooyo 🤝 cherry koo my beloveds

#ngl missing wooyoung’s oreo hair #anyway any little thing either of them do the same i will not be normal about #manifesting a wookook meeting one day or smth I guess #alyssa talks

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vividaway · 2 years

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Alyssa you've made edits between you and Gabbie you also made fake accounts pretending to be Jessi i honestly don't get how you can morally stan Gabbie after everything she's done. The Jessie situation the rachel joey no wonder she's making tiktok videos to get attention you siding with her on EVERYTHING is the defenition of a parasocial relationship.

ill address your shit but first lets chat <3 so i was able to get into my PCP and i found out that most of what i was told in the ER wasnt accurate. the doctors did their best, but they are spread so thin that they cant BEGIN to figure out whats wrong. when i was in the other hospital, they did a lot better and its where i got the best treatment.

i was actively given information that was just. complete bullshit, and this is a HUGE HUGE HUGEEE RED FLAG because i was loaded up with enough opioids to end up going through withdrawl, despite there being other options.

your "claims"

i've made purposfully horrible edits to mock anti's in 2020, yes. and i plan on continuing to make them to piss off the anti's (just like you) until the day i die.

you guys can believe that account was me all you want, it wasnt. whatever fills your deluded fantasies at night, and keeps you coming back to me.

3. the definition of a parasocial relationship is "one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other's existence."

and yes, i DO have a parasocial relationship with gabbie! thankfully i'm aware of that, and i'm able to vibe with a large variety of people in the fandom, and we as a collective have all moved on.

speaking of friends, i have plans this week to buy expensive drinks because its practically ~summer time~ and what ELSE do you do in the summer? ceviche and midori tea's, thats what. there are SO many good movie's playing in theater, and so many good shows being played in theatre. there are so many little events i can go to if i want, and something about that makes me SO happy.

i love window shopping. some people get the thrill from actually BUYING clothes, but i get the thrill from just SEEING them. i cant help but imagine all the stores that have opened during the pandemic that i dont know about. all the little pop up shops that work based off of word to mouth-- i have a LOT of exploring to do.

i also REALLY need a hair cut. my hair is the longest its been since i was 13 years old, and it really causes me dysphoria. i'm worried about getting my old hairstyle though, because i've lost over 70 pounds since then, and i dont know how it'll look on me now.

lets talk about the JS situation.

that has NOTHING to do with me supporting and believing gabbie. it has everything to do with being sent private emails detailing information i should have NEVER seen, and it has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that they will twist a narrative to make sure they can paint themselves in a better light.

with joey, gabbie AVIDELY STATED OVER AND OVER that she was the asshole, and was just venting. if a mentally ill person venting triggers you THAT heavily, you probably shouldn't watch their content.

something else about my life recently: i really fell in love with nostolgiacore. the feeling, the colors, all of it. i cant explain one emotion it makes me feel, but its honestly almost this suffocating feeling-- this feeling of anticipation and excitement welling up in my chest. it brings back a LOT of good memories, and i'll take that anywhere i can get it.

i like that there are different genre's to it. you have childhood nostolgia, 2000s nostolgia, 90's nostolgia, kidcore/toy nostolgia, internet/web nostolgia, and then theres the venting aspect of it.

its a really creative and interesting side of tumblr, and i'm honestly SO glad to be apart of it.

on our last topic of gabbie.

gabbie makes tiktoks because gabbie believes in humanitarianism, spiritualism, religion, and affirmations. the same message as previous applies: if a mentally ill person making tiktoks triggers you THAT heavily that you go out of your way to try to get in contact with said persons fans, maybe, JUST maybe, you shouldnt watch their content. that just seems like common sense to me 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

you honestly come off as nothing more than a fan. you call me co-dependent, but you're going out of your way to not just know all about gabbies drama, not just interact with her fans-- baby you know MY DRAMA. you know MY HISTORY. you ARE a fan, whether you like it or not. you know gabbie, you interact with her fanbase, you are NO different from me.

#//twitter #//gabbie hanna #//drama #what up babe <3 #ask #answered #alyssa talks #alyssa posts

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atopvisenyashill · 3 months

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Thoughts on the Alysanne is Maegor's daughter AU? I feel like it has some interesting potential, and it vastly recontextualizes different parts of Jaehaehae (I do not like him sjsjsjs) and Alysanne's relationship (such as Jaehaehae's treatment of their daughters) but I wanna hear what you think about it!

I’ve touched on this a bit before but since you actually want to hear my thoughts, allow me to present to you my Jaehaerys Is The Goddamn Worst, And Alysanne Annoys Me Too: An Essay lmao but my answer is basically “yeah all of what you just said.”

I think it makes Alysanne much more palatable (to me) as a character because as she stands, she just fixates on forcing her daughters through these fucked up marriages at too young an age bc it traumatized her to be married and pregnant at 15 too but she’d never admit that being a willing participant in her own kidnapping by her brother-husband was the single worst thing that ever happened to her, and because Alysanne doesn’t want to admit it (and Jaehaerys would never see it as wrong or a mistake) F&B really shies away from delving into the fact that Alysanne is as deranged of a mother as Cersei is. So as she stands, she’s very flat to me because she’s presented very flatly and inconsistently. She’s so in love with Jaehaerys, she’s maritally raped by Jaehaerys, she’s a loving and doting mother, she forces her daughters into marriages when they’re the same too young age she was, she accuses her teenage girls of being scheming whores then gets angry when her husband accuses their teenage girls of being scheming whores, and worst of all we are just told “Maegelle tells them to make up so they do” so we don’t know why Alysanne gets over all of this. What is the point of riding a dragon when you never use that dragon to protect your daughters from unwanted teen marriages? We’re just not given a good enough justification for why her behavior is so weird and frustrating towards her daughters.

Make her Maegor’s daughter though…most of her behavior as an adult makes more sense. Like a worse version of Rhaenyra’s childhood almost - a father desperate for a son, but lowkey obsessed with his daughter, who makes all his hang ups about his parents the problems of every woman around him, except Maegor is out here blood sacrificing and torturing and starting wars and forcing babies on wives he discards quickly and brutally. Then here comes Jaehaerys on a white horse green dragon to save her from the horror her life has become, and he loves her so much he runs away with her even though Alyssa says they shouldn’t marry because people won’t like it. And they have beautiful children, and a beautiful marriage, and build a beautiful kingdom.

Then her pregnancies start getting dangerous. Gaemon, then Valerion, die. Alysanne thinks of the shriveled up mutants she called brothers, if Maegor’s taint has passed to her. Her perfect husband ignores her no, and forces Gael on her. Alysanne remembers that he said nothing to Rogar when Alyssa died, merely wept. Then her daughters start to die. Daella, Alyssa, Viserra, all within a few years. Then Jaehaerys makes Saera watch as he murders her boyfriend, calls her a whore, and says Alysanne cannot follow Saera to Lys. Alysanne thinks of Maegor torturing the Harroways over Alys’ presumed infidelity. Jaehaerys says he’s sorry, and her daughter badgers her into forgiving him, and she remembers how she helped Jaehaerys badger Alyssa into forgiving Rogar. Not two years later, Jaehaerys passes over Rhaenys. Alysanne thinks of how she was never enough for her father, how she felt so superior to Rhaena banished to Dragonstone and resented by Aerea, yet there she is dragging Gael away from court because she can’t stand to be with Jaehaerys. How her father was surrounded by dead women and dead babies and how Jaehaerys is surrounded by his own dead daughters, but surely she did the right thing, surely Maegor was worse, surely the realm is better off? Is he right to pass over Rhaenys? Is she enabling a man just as monstrous as her father? She will never decide, because Maegelle will guilt her about keeping Gael isolated at Dragonstone, and Alysanne will do as she’s told, just like Rhaena, and Alyssa, and Jeyne, Elinor, Ceryse, Alys, and Tyanna, just like every one of her daughters.

I do get why Alysanne is Alyssa & Aenys’ and not Maegor’s. The weird Targ babies, the line not descending from Visenya, Jaehaerys and Alysanne being held up as the perfect Targaryen couple specifically because they are brother and sister and dragon riders. I do even think canon Alysanne is likely traumatized by her time as a hostage on Dragonstone, and the ensuing war, and the trauma bond that caused with Jaehaerys, and it makes her idolize Jaehaerys, and then he isolates her at Dragonstone so he can swiftly and safely marry, groom, and knock her up. It’s not like,,,, a fun time, and it’s enough to make anyone crazy and weird about their daughters, but I think having her father be Maegor makes Alysanne herself much deeper because it gives her, as the most beloved Targaryen queen, a blood tie to the most hated Targaryen king, and a marriage to the most beloved Targaryen king. It fits better with a lot of the themes of the main series (again, imo) - forcing the spotlight on the outsiders to see how the affect the story from behind the scenes. The fall of Aegon’s sons, and The Long Reign, not told from the PoV or to serve the PoV of any of the kings or princes, but of the queen that tied them all together.

#anti jaehaerys i targaryen #f&b critical #fire and blood critical #asks #thesadboy #like he kind of does this with aenys & maegor by focusing on alyssa and rhaena and the wives and visenya.#but the Moment jaehaerys enters the scene he completely dominates it. the same way daemon and aemond do actually.#but this is not. it should not!! be their story. that’s not how the main series is told anyway!!#if f&b isn’t told by a dornish maester than it should have been written by a septa!!!#nuns wrote books!!!!!#rich noblewomen wrote novels and poetry!!!!!!!#GEORGE DO YOU READ WOMEN. I AM NO LONGER ASKING POLITELY.#i went to look for her mother and apparently this was just a mistake elio made and i’m even more depressed. i can’t believe i’m saying this #but elio damn your mind.#i bet he saw that and went ‘wait which one is her fucjing mother’ and george was like what in the goddamn hell are you talking about.#idk who would be her mother in this au. if we want to keep her within 3 ish years of jaehaerys it Has to be alys or ceryse. ceryse hightowe #is the hilarious and obvious choice. but don’t count out alys harroway second wife here either.#then there’s rhaena as her mother which with the canon timeline makes him 12 years older and isn’t THAT horrible let’s stop here actually.

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upperranktwo · 1 year

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☆Uzui Tengen - The Sound Hashira☆

Happy belated birthday Alyssa ♡ @mokacheer

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cure-smiths-headrest · 1 year

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hyperfixationsstation · 9 months

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shes a star 🤩🤩🤩

#are you guys tired of me talking about it yet #bc im not #alyssa naeher #uswnt

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karihighman · 15 days

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The Rookie 6x06 “Secrets and Lies” promotional photos ©️DGE Press / ABC. ⬆️

Bailey & John sneak peek video below ⬇️

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deejayers · 1 year

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Yall!! I made a fake leg for the girls I work with to learn how to place and tape in IV catheters and it worked!!!

it may not be perfectly accurate but it works just fine for practicing before they try on living animals!!

#alyssa talks #vet med #iv catheter practice

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lectersdesign · 10 months

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going on vacation today so my blog may be a little less active this upcoming week <3

#do you know what this means???#watching both twilight and hannibal on a plane bc this bitch is going to seattle/forks!!#also i have a hannigram ficlet written that i shall try to get out asap #if i have time today #alyssa talks

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imyourliquor-youremypoison · 24 days

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Trainwreck (OC fiction) - Part 4

MASTERLIST

3.7 words

>>> Part 5

It was a nightmare. It had to be.

Her throat felt weird, closed up. Joyce wasn’t too sure she would be able to speak. The shame, the embarrassment at having been fooled didn’t leave her. It upset her empty stomach, but she tried her best to show a confident front. She doubted she was successful.

“Flirting never hurt anyone, huh?” Roman said, tilting his head to the left, his big blue eye never once leaving hers. It was the first thing he said after what felt like an interminable silence between them.

They had both decided to skip their next period to talk about what just happened after the blond – Alma – left them alone, Roman had begged Jo to let him explain, and she’d been too dumb-struck to refuse. She followed him inside their building, walking towards a free bench. It was the last place on earth where she wanted to be right now. She felt ready to explode, and the surrounding noise, and hustle, and the stifling heat made it worse. If she was going to cry, she wanted it to be in private, not in the middle of a university hall.

It had been a dangerous game to go and flirt with this boy, because despite his shy acting, Jo knew he wasn't even half as much so as he tried to make her think. He had always met her teasing head on, there was no denying he knew how to talk to girls. God, had had eyes, he knew what he looked like, droopy eyelid or not, he was a catch – and he was aware.

He knew exactly what he was doing to her, and there was no doubt to her that he had done it before - the crippling feeling of being used and thrown aside like a tissue weighed on her small shoulders, and crushed to dust the impression of being special to him.

But the worst thing wasn’t even that she was played by this guy. The worst part was that she felt cheated on, but in reality, she was the other woman. Alma should have been mad, not her.

Had he… done this on purpose? Did he want to humiliate her? Was it a game to him? Did it amuse him to lead her on, knowing it was never going to amount to anything? Jo just didn’t know anymore, she couldn’t think straight with him staring at her so intently.

Eventually, she realized he had asked her a question. She cleared her throat before speaking.

“Sure, no harm done,” she croaked out pitifully. She smiled as her fingers mindlessly played with the fraying edge of her wool sweater. She wanted to scream. She ground her teeth together and breathed slowly. She might not walk out of here with her heart in one piece, but she would walk out with whatever dignity she had left.

Sounding like she believed what she just said was a lot more difficult than expected. To some extent he was right - flirt was an art to practice at will with whoever consented and played along. But in this particular case, somebody had been hurt and that was her. She hadn’t known the details of their contract, hadn’t realized it was all there would ever be between them.

Finding out about his girlfriend was like being hit by a truck at full speed and then getting stomped over by an angry mob. The feeling was an overall unpleasant one to say the least. Joyce’s eyes were glued to her lap. She could not look up. She could not meet his eyes and keep it together.

“You don't sound convinced,” he noticed, sighing deeply.

“Oh, don’t I?!” she couldn’t help but snap. Good. Better to be angry than sad. She could deal with anger.

He regretted lying, he didn't know what possessed him when he forgot to mention that he already was in a relationship. But to his defense, it genuinely took him aback when a cute girl like her sat down next to him on the train and so straightforwardly hit on him.

“I'm sorry, I should have told you, I just-“ he started, feeling the sudden urge to justify his action but finding none. “Förlåt. I'm just sorry, Jo. I don't know what else to say, scream at me if you want or throw your coffee in my face,” he suggested.

She honestly hated the fact that it made her smile but she couldn't suppress the treacherous grin before it spread her lips. Her coffee was cold, what would be the point in throwing it in his face?

“Don't tempt me, you fool.” She shushed him by a gesture of her hand. “And yeah, it would have been nice to mention that. Would have spared me from looking like an idiot when she came to say hello.”

It was a huge understatement and he was perfectly aware. His smile dropped at the bitterness in her tone. At least he had the decency to be embarrassed of his behavior. Of course, she had blushed too when this all-legs and gorgeous blond-haired girl came up and started kissing him like she wanted to suck out his soul. Jo puked a little in her mouth.

“Jo...” The tips of his fingers brushed over her knuckles and she immediately let go of her sweater and pulled her hand into a fist. He stopped touching her right away. “I was in a bad place that day and you were- you are so nice and easy-going that I just couldn't bring myself to say it, it felt a little too good to be true that the beautiful girl I saw at the train station every week for a year now came and talked to me.”

Sucking in her cheeks, Jo tried very hard not to show that he got to her. If there actually was a manual explaining how to properly apologize to a girl even though you lied about being single and flirted with her for four months, Roman must have read it. A year. That thought gave her vertigo. She hadn’t noticed him up until that day their gazes caught.

“I know I shouldn't have done it and I sincerely regret it. I hope you can forgive me.”

And if there was anything to add, now it was done. For a split second she seriously considered throwing her coffee to his annoying, flawless face. Swallowing down her fit of anger, offered him her most convincing smile and told him she would get there eventually. Being angry at someone because they behaved badly was something but staying mad at them because she was stubborn and hurt in her pride was idiotic. Roman must have had his reasons, she had learned to know him and had come to the conclusion that he was a pretty decent guy. He was only human, and as far as she recalled, she didn't remember asking if he had a girlfriend.

God, she was disgusted by how badly she wanted to forgive him and realize it was all one big misunderstanding. She needed to leave now before she did something she would regret later – really regret, not just write a fucking poem.

“If it's any comfort to you, just know that I'll probably get lectured tonight and most definitely also get punched,” he attempted to joke, rubbing his cheek as if in anticipation, but Jo’s jaw remained tense and the lump in her throat grew two sizes bigger. What kind of spell was she under? “I know you want to punch my teeth out right now - I can see it in your eyes. Please don't look at me like that,” he practically begged, sounding pitiful.

“How am I supposed to look at you Roman?” she asked. It wasn’t rhetorical either, she wanted an answer.

The question was a simple one yet she honestly didn't have a clue. She switched from angry to sad to forgiving and then mad again. Jo needed to leave and have a good night of sleep - or at least a good night of staying awake and staring at the ceiling - to think it through.

“Like before?” he suggested, unconvincingly. He pushed his beanie back and combed his hair with his fingers in unease.

It wasn't every day that he found himself stuck between two girls who both liked him. At least, Jo did like him before finding out about his major screw up. He found himself hoping she still did, even after that. She made him feel so alive, he had forgotten she was also her own person, with her own feelings. Of course this would hurt her, it was inexcusable.

“And how is that?” she asked, an edge of hysteria in her voice. “Like you’re a handsome stranger I finally worked up the courage to talk to? Like I’m looking forward to seeing you every day because I never get tired of your company? Like I’m hoping you’ll ask me out soon?” Her voice cracked a little at the last sentence but she kept a hushed tone. “I can’t Roman, I-“ She closed her mouth, thinking about what she was going to say next. “Just- why didn't you say it? Do you think I would have stopped talking to you?”

“I don't know!” Roman burst out, not knowing what to say that hasn't already been said. “I wish I could take it back, Joyce. I do. If I could make it right, I would do it in a heartbeat. I swear, I never meant to do you dirty.”

“I believe you.” She bit down on her lips. “God, this is so awkward!” She hid her face behind her hands.

She had been flirting with him shamelessly for the past months and now that she knew he was taken and that she looked back on the events, she felt completely and utterly embarrassed of her behavior. No matter how much of a bitch his girlfriend might turn out to be, it was gross of her and inexcusable to hit on some other girl's man.

“It's petty to think that but I do hope she is not as nice as she looks because it would make me feel a lot less guilty if I knew she was a bitch,” Joyce confessed.

Roman couldn't help the smirk stretching his face at her words, his glorious face suddenly lighting up. She cursed herself for looking up right as he looked at her like that. “I won’t venture on this territory,” he admitted. “Come and meet her if you want to judge for yourself.” Jo’s eyes practically popped out of her head and he noticed. “You say you feel guilty,” he said, matter-of-factly. “Well, why don't you meet her and explain that you didn't know?”

Suddenly, the air around them was electrical, almost sizzling with tension. That was the single most awful idea she had ever heard. Yet somehow, she agreed.

Every minute between the moment she agreed to this disastrous idea and the day of had been spent in dread and regret. Joyce’s stomach filled with acid at the sheet thought of spending an entire evening with Roman and Alma. She had no idea what to expect – she only knew they would go for drinks.

She didn’t usually go out on week-ends since she lived out of town, but apparently if Alma was to believe, the bar they were going to was the greatest in the city. Jo didn’t care one bit what they did or where they went, she just wanted it to end quickly. She was more of a cocktails and pumpkin spiced latte girl, not really a beer and black coffee person. Luckily, the bar provided a large choice of drinks she would choose from.

She would need alcohol in her blood tonight.

From the moment they stepped through the door, it was clear to her that Alma was not happy about being here either tonight. Whatever this thing was, it was not her idea of fun. She wondered how Roman had brought up the idea to her, if she’d reacted as badly as she had. If given the chance, Jo would have crawled into a hole and died.

After an hour of awkward, sparse conversation, she was ready to throw herself under a car. Never in her life, had someone made her feel so inadequate. Compared to Alma, who is just so blond and so beautiful, she felt like the snottiest of brats. Jo didn’t often compare herself to other girls, she was mostly secure with the way she looked, but this was just ridiculous. Was she supposed to compete with Barbie? Alma was tall, and fit, and had big doe eyes.

Big doe eyes that sparkled and smiled when she looked at Roman, but narrowed at her whenever he had his back turned. Joyce was no dummy, she knew this meeting was happening solely for his sake, that they had both agreed to humor him and not because there was a single chance they’d get along. Hell would probably freeze over before they became friends.

Jo crossed her legs and closed her sweater over her chest, holding it tight. Their conversation was background noise in her head, she just smiled a little and nodded every now and then to hold up appearances, but she’d get up and out of here as soon as possible. This is the dumbest idea Roman had ever had.

What did he expect? That she would forgive and forget if it turned out his girlfriend – just thinking the word made her cringe – was a decent person? She could be an angel and Jo would still hate her guts. She was screwing the guy she liked. She was kissing him, quite intimately, right in front of her, in a gross display of ownership. Jo got the message. He was taken, he wasn’t up for grabs and whatever was going on between them had been nothing more than friendship.

Even that was in jeopardy. Joyce didn’t know how long she could pretend it didn’t affect her. She had let herself fall for a guy that turned out to be unavailable. Would she keep on torturing herself if she knew it was a dead end? She liked talking to Roman, she liked getting lost in his bluest of blue eye. She wanted to see for herself if his lips were as soft as they seemed, and she wanted to gently stroke his face and lightly run her thumb over his bad eye. She wanted to kiss him there and in other places. She wanted him to write more poems about her.

Looking up at the couple in front of her, Joyce wanted to run away. She had nothing to do here, she was just third-wheeling and wasting a week-end night. Roman glanced her way every now and then to check on her, and she had to work up a tight-lipped smile to show she was doing OK, but she wasn’t. She hated him a little for what he was hid from her and for bringing her here tonight.

She hated him but she didn’t. She liked him – a lot more than she would have liked in the end. A lot more than she should at this point. The sheer fact that he checked up on her made her heart swell, even if he did it with Alma practically sitting on his lap.

“I’m gonna get us another round,” Roman offered. Joyce didn’t contradict him this time – he had made her come here despite her better judgment, tonight he was paying for her drinks and tomorrow maybe she would make him pay for her shrink appointment. “Same as before?”

The two girls nodded and smiled as he walked away, only to drop all pretenses as soon as he was out of sight. Joyce was ready to wait in silence for him to come back, not bothering to make conversation to someone who so clearly had nothing nice to say to her, but Alma seemed to have other plans.

“Just so we’re clear, this little game of yours is over,” the beautiful blond said in a clipped tone. “I don’t care what’s going on, but you better nip it in the bud right now.”

Joyce was an accommodating, amicable person, but she didn’t take too well to being threatened. She sat a little straighter and raised her chin, letting her mouth twist into a snarl.

“Do you think I want to be here? By all means, put an end to this if you so despise my presence. I’m here only because Roman asked me, and I’ll stay until the end – for him.”

It was bluff – she run at the first chance, and he would hear from her about his stupid ideas – but Alma didn’t know that. She sneered, the hateful expression distorting her otherwise perfect features. It should be illegal to her skin this clear.

“Don’t overplay your hand, Jo,” she spat her name. “You don’t stand a chance.”

God, she knew that.

“Don’t get too comfortable up on that high horse of yours,” Jo snapped back. “We wouldn’t be here in the first place if I didn’t have a chance. You ever think about why Roman spent more time with me than you in the past few months?”

Why did he? That was a good question – one that Alma would hopefully take as rhetorical, because she did not have an answer. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on her part, maybe she was only projecting. Maybe she didn’t want to admit that she had been playing a losing hand from the beginning.

Alma’s frown smoothed out and the ugliest smile Joyce had ever smile appeared on her lips.

“Oh, boo hoo- poor little Joyce has a crush,” she began, laughing cruelly. “Get over it, bitch. Roman is mine, do you hear me? I say sit, he sits. I say jump, he jumps. Do you think I’ll allow him to keep seeing you?” She snapped her fingers. “Poof, you’re gone. I’ll look at him with big, wet eyes and he’ll apologize, take me against a wall, and delete your number.”

“Yeah, sound like a good, healthy relationship you guys have. Did you also pee on his leg to mark your territory or does Frenching him in front of other girls do the trick?”

Jo was all bark no bite at this point, but she couldn’t let her win. She had to stand her ground, defend herself. After all, she was a victim in all of this, she hadn’t known Roman was already taken. She looked over at the bar, but it was crowded, Roman wasn’t even in the front yet.

“Don’t look at him for help,” Alma said sharply, raising her tone. “He’ll never return your silly little feelings. Do you know why?”

Joyce swallowed the lump in her throat.

“Please do tell me.”

She was confident that whatever Alma was going to say wouldn’t hurt more than her conversation with Roman earlier this week. She had replayed it in her head over and over again, cried over it almost every day. She already felt lower than low, this hateful girl did not know her well-enough to push her buttons. She could spew her poison if she pleased, it wouldn’t reach her.

Joyce could take it all, she could look this Barbie in the eyes and not bat an eyelash at the venom in her voice. She didn’t have the weapons to hurt her.

But then, something sparked in her eyes.

“The universe took its time on you,” she began, looking Joyce dead in the eye.

No.

“-crafted you precisely,” Alma continued, her awful smile still stretching her lips.

“Stop.”

“-so you could offer the world something distinct from everyone else,” she kept going on, repeating back Jo’s own words to her.

She closed her eyes, trying for all the world to tune her out. Praying Roman would return now.

“I’d go on if it wasn’t so pathetic,” Alma said, finally stopping enunciating Joyce’s poem. She leaned back and laughed, sipping the last of her drink.

Joyce was going to be sick – physically sick. She stood up and grabbed her coat. Alma was still snickering in that horrendous self-satisfied manner when she walked away, making a bee-line for the front door. She never should have come here. She never should have talked to Roman. This is what she got for getting her hopes up.

“Wow! Where are you going?” Roman exclaimed when she almost bumped into him, nearly spilling the glasses he was holding.

Joyce stopped in her tracks just long enough to really, truly look into Roman’s soulful eyes one last time.

“Jag är ledsen,” she said in a clumsy attempt to speak Swedish. The way his face lit up and fell almost simultaneously broke her heart. “I tried, but I can’t do this. I have to leave.”

She elbowed past him and walked to the door. He didn’t try to stop her, but before she left, she turned around, and saw him standing over their table, visibly angry, and shouting over the music.

“What did you say to her?!”

Roman didn’t even care what Alma said, he just left her there, with all three of their drinks and went back outside to see if he could catch up with Joyce, but she was already out of sight. Angry with himself and at the world, he kicked into a road sign, sending a shockwave through his leg.

“Helvete!” he cursed, gritting his teeth at the pain in his foot.

He’d realized from the moment they arrived here that tonight had been a huge mistake – and it was his fault too, neither of the girls would have agreed to come if not for him. He had messed up big time now.

He pulled out his phone and tried to call Jo.

“C’mon, answer your phone,” he whispered, listening to the tone ring.

She didn’t pick up. He tried again, also to no avail.

“You must be kidding,” came Alma’s voice behind him. “Did you seriously just leave me alone in there to run after that bitch?” She made it sound like he was the bad guy here.

“You made her run away,” he accused her. “I don’t even care what kind of lies you told her to make her leave, I can’t look at you right now. You should go home.”

Jaw hanging open in astonishment, Alma watched him stomp away without another word.

#writing is hard #alyssa talks #bill skarsgård

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lady-clouves · 9 months

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Y’all don’t understand how much I love and sympathize with Jaehaerys daughter’s. You want to call Saera a terrible person? She was just to iconic for you to handle! Viserra being vain? I would be to if I had that type of pretty privilege! Calling Gael a failure? She’s literally the definition of babygirl!

#Targaryen stans need to calm down on TikTok #like your a full grown man talking about how these girls were failures and then praise jaehaerys and his sons #🤨#all his daughters are just to iconic for you to handle and it’s ok for you to admit that #viserra targaryen #saera targaryen #sweet winter child gael #daella targaryen #maegelle targaryen #alyssa targaryen #asoiaf

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vividaway · 2 years

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hey i hope you learn to not take things so personally on behalf of gabbie hanna bc it's gone past parasocial relationships and i think you have developed a one sided codependency and it literally very obviously negatively affects your daily mental health :/ like ppl don't just say stuff to be mean - you're unhinged. legitimately.

(pt 2) also ur post abt jen is really funny bc you're like "of course she's jessis best friend" but i literally don't think she is currently and i think you're just saying that bc you can't see past being personally upset. just a thought. pls be aware that when experiencing heightened emotions doesn't mean ur reality is heightened too. :/ (pt 3) also in general id advise seeking professional mental health help bc being agoraphobic & exclusively living online is clearly giving you terminally online brain rot. do you wanna be 27 in your moms home still yelling abt online haters? are you not an adult? do you not want to live like an adult? seems ur content staying mentally 14 forever.

-----

i find these kind of asks to be the MOST amusing, because not only do these people think they know my life, they actively go out of their way to try to get in contact with me. they side with people who believe doxxing people is alright "as long as its for the greater good" and they think harassment of any sort will fix their problems (spoiler alert: it wont.) lets get one thing straight here: i dont "take thing personally on behalf of gabbie hanna", i side with what I BELIEVE to be morally correct. its not morally correct to tell someone that theyre useless, that one no wants them or cares about them, and that they should disappear to someone who has actively stated time and time again to have suicidal ideations. this is KNOWINGLY triggering and harming someone who's mentally ill, and you're just straight up a horrible shitty human being if you do that. you CAN hold someone accountable AND have empathy to what theyre going through. they dont negate each other, and the second people learn THAT is the second i will stop riding so hard for what is MORALLY correct, not for Gabbie Hanna.

(Side note: you never hear these people talk about my interest for Lele Pons, Britney Spears, Taylor Nicole Dean, Rayleigh Link, BozeDoesTrueCrime, or Colleen Ballinger and i dont even need to pose the hypothetical question of "why do you think that is?", cause i'll tell you: they dont know who i ACTUALLY am, they only know who i am twitter.)

lets talk about parasocial relationships, because those are actually one of my favorite things to talk about! I know everything about Gabbie, or at least, everything she's told the internet. every time i (or anyone) interacts with gabbie, it is with the knowledge of who she is, and the things she has done. this puts us at a disadvantage. as fans, we then have two options.

not realize you're apart of a parasocial relationship.

realize you're apart of a parasocial relationship

it seems like a "thank u captain obvious" but it honest to god isnt. we as fans know gabbie, but gabbie knows NOTHING about us. she does NOT know we exist. if you choose path 1, you're set for a very VERY toxic situation where you slowly become entitled to somebodies time and efforts when you are NOT entitled to shitall. lets talk about path 2, though!

i know facts about gabbie. i stop and realize-- i am inconsequential to gabbie's daily life even if she DOES see me...

and that is the JOY of being a fan. of knowing you're a community of thousands, and not the one on a pedestal. we arent here because we want to KNOW gabbie personally, we're here because we agree with her. we relate to the things she's experienced, and by golly, we were harassed by the SAME EXACT PEOPLE!! we have a LOT in common-- and...and thats KIIIINDAAA the definition of being in a fandom. "A fandom is a subculture composed of fans characterized by a feeling of empathy and camaraderie with others who share a common interest."

on a side note, lets talk about my daily life, since you so inquired <3

my exposure therapy has been a really good (but frightening) experience! aside from normal visits, i hung out with a group of friends, and i went to a small live show. my plans for next week have similar plans, and i've been dealing with my agoraphobia pretty well since march.

i dont know what they mean by "negative codependency" seeing as i use my twitter the same way i use my tumblr...so hey!! WHY DIDNT YOU GUYS TELL ME SOONER THAT I HAD A NEGATIVE CODEPENDENCY TO THOMAS SANDERS?!!?!?! SO RUDE!! /J on an actual note: really? codependent to gabbie hanna? youtube, my phone, maybe, but gabbie? thats genuinely why i call these messages amusing because it honestly reminds me of THIS meme

its just a ~vibe~ yanno.

"pls be aware that when experiencing heightened emotions doesn't mean ur reality is heightened too" this is actually something i'd advise to every person who watched gabbie hanna, because they have this warped perception that gabbie is constantly planning this drama everytime she releases an album or song as IF she would want that tied to the album....that doesnt bring in listeners it only creates talk cmon now use ur brainy brains just bc ur emotions are heightened doesnt mean ur reality is

but yeah, thats my update with tumblr! how have you guys been /gen? its been awhile since i've done one of these (four or five years? wowee) and i KNOW tumblr's new "below the cut" update is gonna kill the vibe of this but its whatevs 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ alyssa will talk on.

#//twitter #//gabbie hanna #//drama #what up babe <3 #ask #answered #alyssa talks #alyssa posts

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