#also. what is grief if not love persevering etc. which means grief is just love. and writing about love and watching it bloom in someone ca

[yonemurishiroku]

I like reading about Nico dealing with death

He knows death intimately. i like it even more when it is portrayed through the small details, as the most naturally as it could be - for death is Nico’s expertise, blood, sweat and tears.

- Nico is often written as the one who holds the funerals, delivering speeches and making sure their comrades’ souls wouldn’t be lost. And more often than not, he takes pride in it, and i’m sure the canon Nico does, too.

- Nico is the messenger of death. He’s usually the one who spreads the news and watches people’s grief, not only because he can shadow travel for convenience but also he is the first to sense a death and the first to remain calm enough to inform the others.

There’s one fic in which Nico also has the ability to comfort others by sharing their mourning, their grief of the lost. He settles Drew’s mess of pain and resent towards Silena, so that what’s left is just a soft melancholy of a persevering unspoken love. That scene hits hard, ngl.

And i have read more than one fanfic in which Nico is the one who delivers the death news to Thalia, whether it’s Jason or Annabeth. In one of those fics, there’s a particularly bittersweet one in which the two bond over Jason’s funerals. They cannot decide whether to hold it in Greek or Roman style, so Nico takes Thalia to Bianca’s grave in Italy and thus helps Thalia find out the right decision for her brother’s ritual. I cried so hard. That thing has my soul.

- Nico is also the one who would be searching the Underworld for a soul that has lost their way, and summon someone’s ghost per people’s requests so that they can say goodbyes, or perhaps untangle the thoughts, rejoin the connections or ease the regrets.

It’s common in fanfics for a character to come to Nico for a last conversation with their loved ones, and i absolutely adore it. Just because Nico wouldn’t decline. He would dig a hole and buy a meal and strain his powers to the point of over-exertion in order to fulfill someone’s last moments.

I read a valgrace with this, once, in which Leo only realizes Jason’s feelings for him after his death, which results in him asking Nico for a summon.

- Furthermore, Nico would undoubtedly be the first - and perhaps the only - one people seek to bring back someone they love. Especially when it’s someone they are both close.

I have read a number of these: Percy going beyond his way to have Nico helping resurrect Luke, Leo’s relief when he realizes that Nico wants to bring Jason back as much as he does, etc…

The latter includes a series of fascinating scenes, ranging from Nico defending his grief versus Will’s futile attempts to help; Annabeth and Percy, Nico trying to keep Leo from self-sacrificing, again; Nico and Leo trudging through the Underworld to find Jason; the deal with Hades, etc… In the end, they didn’t get Jason, but the fic remains heart-wrenchingly beautiful in my head, nonetheless.

- But on the other hand, Nico knows death, knows about grief and knows about letting go - for he has gone through it more than enough with Bianca’s passing to understand its sadness and regrets and the deep sensation of lost. Therefore, he knows people would gradually have to let go, no matter what. And he would be there to make sure of it.

There’s a fanfic in which Piper asks Nico to bring Jason back, to which Nico refuses and thus indirectly forces Piper to find a way on her own without his help.

It wasn’t mentioned much, but the idea still intrigues me because as much as i enjoy Nico replaying Orpheus and Eurydice, he would also be the first to see the importance of letting go. For it means freedom not only for the remains but also the lost soul.

- Nico is also the ruler of death. He took the title from Minos, successfully declaring himself as the Ghost King. So, every soul that has lost its body would be bound to serve him - heroes, mortals and sinners alike. And this thrills me to the core because Nico always looks badass in those scenes.

I don’t remember the pairing, but in that fic, Percy dies and is brought back by Poseidon with a favour of Hades. The couple reunites in happiness, of course, but the funny thing is that when Nico & Will come to visit, Percy’s attention is always drawn back to Nico’s words and presence due to the nature of their status. Nico has to awkwardly (?) explain that it was just a son of Hades thing.

The same goes with perhaps a bunch of resurrected/ghost Jason fanfics. Jason’s ghost is prone to take every word of Nico’s as a command of an order, forcing Nico to choose his words wisely to avoid accidents.

Also that post in which i talked about the resurrected Minotaur literally calling Nico King, by which he is embarrassed and thus tries to dismiss it.

That’s all for now, i think. I have read so much and now i don’t know which’s which anymore. Head empty only Nico beautiful in words.

Edit: The fics are linked in the rb!

#nico di angelo #pjo #hoo #toa #trials of apollo #heroes of olympus #percy jackon and the olympians #jason grace #percy jackson #hades (pjo) #poseidon (pjo) #luke castellan #ghost king nico #royal nico #nico of the dead #drew tanaka #nico and drew #leo valdez #piper mclean #nico and leo #friendship #fic rec #fanfic talk again bc what’s new anw? #yone rambling

[hauntedpearl]

fic that never got written has a scene where dean crawls up to cas after lucifer stabs him in all along the watchtower and he pulls him onto his lap and just holds him. he's not crying because he's in shock and his mind is just static and his ears are ringing and mary is here (because she didn't really need to get pulled into apocalypse world like that that was stupid) and she's just staring at her son and she always knew cas and dean were more than just friends but she gets it now so she sinks into the ground next to him and puts a hand on his elbow, but he doesn't move and he doesn't really acknowledge anything.

he's just staring up at the stars and back at cas' body with one hand pressed to his bloody wound on his chest and the other carefully cradling his head somehow hoping that this isn't real and it isn't happening. but it is. and there's nothing to do.

#like he would think the world is ending for a moment. he would think it's a bad dream or maybe if he waited for long enough cas would wake #because cas always wakes up!!! even as Emmanuel he walked out of that lake! in Dean's mind he probably walked away from that lake too soon. #so this time he's just glassy eyed and empty and staring and waiting and waiting and waiting until the chill sets in and when his mother #tries to get him to move he shrugs her off and carries cas into the house himself. as has been said. a cruel parody of the bridal carry etc #anyway i think dean's grief can be so powerful and not to sound sadistic but beautiful to write. because even there he is....So Much. #his feelings are so heavy and real and all encompassing and to be able to think about it them and secondhandedly experience them is just. #it's something. that's kind of why i love the widower arc so much. somehow his real emotions come through because he's too exhausted to hid #also. what is grief if not love persevering etc. which means grief is just love. and writing about love and watching it bloom in someone ca #be. so. intense and crazy. i do like that too. #as usual i am sorry for the mad tags #doe is talking again #fanfic #headcanon #dean #spn #widower arc #all along the watchtower #destiel

[phdna]

there's Something in me that's ruined by the fact that bucky was in on steve's plan (tho to what extent we don't know, bc writing differences etc and the look on bucky's face when steve didn't immediately come back in endgame destroyed me) and yet he's the one who is clinging to steve's memory so strongly, and that's not to say that sam doesn't care bc that's nowhere NEAR the case, but I think that moment where bucky takes out steve's book and starts fiddling nervously with it says so much about how much he's physically been carrying his mourning, about how he's been clinging to steve's memory and actions as ~the good~ in his version of the world, and how hard it is to let that go even if he was the one with the warning, much like it's hard to let go after losing someone with a long term illness, tbqh I think it's the most telling thing about their bond since he pulled steve from the river

I, uh... Ended up writing a mini essay. Sorry for that.

Also I’m taking the liberty of tagging @angry-carlisle-jr just because this somewhat ties in to this post.

Oh boy, YES. I’m sure Steve being gone hits Sam hard - losing someone you’d die for has got to hurt, no matter how well-adjusted you are. And we can really see how much Sam is missing Steve. But Bucky... It’s just different, isn’t it? Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield. Does Bucky even properly remember not having Steve in his life?

I think it’s a clear display of how much Bucky is yearning for anything Steve-related that not only does he treat this notebook almost like a lifeline, but he’s also irrationally obsessed with the shield, even though the shield represents Captain America more than it does the little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. But he’ll take whatever keepsake he can find, because Steve is the one person he trusts unconditionally, and if he can’t trust anyone - including himself - bits and pieces of Steve is all he has left to orient himself. He’s clinging on to the things Steve told him, to the way Steve saw him, to the things Steve left behind, because that’s the closest thing to an anchor he has, and he’s obviously feeling so... adrift. No family, no friends, free to do what? If he lets go of the one thing he has left, where does that leave him?

And like. Of course this would happen. Of course! Bucky already had enough on his plate without having to add “coping with losing all the family he had left” to the things he has to deal with! And we can argue all day whether it was in character for Steve to leave (I don’t think it was - not in the way it happens in canon, anyway, but I can see other ways in which it could have been) - but I think it’s hard to argue that Bucky wouldn’t have wanted Steve to go. Not wanted as in “I’ll be happy if you leave” but as in “Leaving will make you happier than staying, and I care more about your happiness than mine.” Putting Steve’s wellbeing above his own is what Bucky does. Once the possibility of a happier timeline for Steve existed, Bucky would’ve never forgiven himself if he’d been the reason why Steve chose to give up that timeline.

What hits me so hard about all of this is how Bucky’s devotion is just so... pure. He’ll break through brainwashing to save Steve, but if Steve ever wants to leave, he won’t stop him, even if he knows that’ll make him miserable. I don’t think even Steve, loyal and loving as he is, could do that! And I don’t ever get the impression that Bucky even resents Steve or anything. He’s lost, and mourning, and struggling, but I feel like if Steve were to magically appear to double check if Bucky was still okay with his decision, Bucky would somehow find the strength to say that yes, of course, he is, it’s what Steve wanted, he’ll be alright. And that’s what utterly destroyed me about that scene. Like, Bucky will give up any and every thing he has for Steve’s sake, including the most precious thing he has, which is Steve himself. I mean, GOD!!! I didn’t think Bucky could top “break through brainwashing, jump off a helicarrier, dive into a river and use a broken arm to swim so he can use his other arm to pull Steve to safety” but maybe “being willing to lose the person he’d do all that for if that means Steve has a shot at living the peaceful life Bucky wishes he himself could’ve had” takes the cake, you know. Just ugh! How unconditionally can someone love someone else!!! This is literally too much for me to fully wrap my head around!!!!! And then I think - what is grief, if not love persevering? And then I try to imagine the amount of grief that’d come with this kind of lifelong, indelible, all-encompassing love, and I think “that’s a price Bucky is willing to pay for Steve’s happiness” and I just... I can’t deal with that.

#tfatws spoilers #apologies for any typos #I GOT EMOTIONAL OKAY #i don't answer for how incoherent this might be

[anonil88]

Lovecraft Country Season Finale liveblog

Bih I'm scared as fuck but whew chile here we go.

Oh damn so this is the next fucking day god damn. Oh shit the book of names is a book of spells.

Awww fuck she passed out too cause she's carrying his baby.

Oh fuck yall see topsy and bopsy, in the title card.

So Tic and Leti are about to have different understanding and fears of the book and their legacy. Oof this magic is rage and anger.

Why do i feel like Leti bouta be the real savior here in this story.

George ?!?!?! His mama ?!?!? HIS MOMMA. I wonder when was the last time he saw her, like just how old was he when she passed etc.

Aw he's his mommas boy, also hold up she said he gotta fucking die?

Oof so she was in love with his uncle and his daddy. They both raised him so hey I guess they both were a part of his parental village.

It's like the exorcism.

SHE IS BEYOND C'EST!!!

Ah so they are going to bind Christina's powers....damn.

Lmfao they really locked sprinkles in the basement.

This is cute and stressful but I cannot stand this music selection.

Stop cutting yalls mother fucking hands.

YO WHAT IF THEY SUMMON CTHULU

Ah so they summoned Titus so Hannah could get her revenge.

SHE DOES LOVE HER! OH SHIT THEY REALLY CARE ABOUT EACHOTHER.

What the fuck does this do??? Like what is the purpose?

Omg they are speaking Xhosa.

Dee is #traumatized and pissed the hell off at her mom, which she deserves to be.

Hippolyta is rocking this damn hair yall.

Oh damn Diana.

Well I see where Ruby is going to come into play here damn.

Christina said bet let's have to have a fucking conversation.

Oooo that trade your legacy or your life.

Damn, god damn.

JI-AH!!!! But also his ass better fucking apologize right fucking now.

Thankyou Tic for the apology she deserved it.

Aww the grief cycle, wait huh? Family? Huh? Yall had sex, um what?

Here these blood sisters go.

Wait sis was in jail ? Why she ain't say that from jump.

Leti said can you please fuck your girlfriend so that we can bind her.

But, sis you done fucked Ruby over time and time again. She ain't wrong tho.

Omg I love this comic book! Awe no sweetheart no. Your momma got you on everything.

Hippolyta is gonna make her child an arm, I bet you.

Ayyy

Here these two go. I can't even lie these two are foine as hell together. She really teaching her.

She can use the potion for the body of christ.

Omg they gon kiss omg omg.

Oh some time has passed, and I oop. Ji-ah just family now?

Ruby got her sister on everything and is just gonna deal with loosing her lover. Damn.

This is so wholesome. Which means this episode is gonna go to shit.

Binding spell here we go, ewwwww he's eatting his family members. Gag.

Christina is about to be pissed off but they intend to bind her powers not kill her.

How are there only 20 mins left bruh.

The towns people still there o.o

This family is crafty as hell and I think Ruby is having 2nd thoughts.

Aw shit Christina is in Ruby's body. Awwww shit.

NO! 😭😭😭

This shit is going south fast as fuck.

I was right, watch every fucking one die.

Bruh. Wait what if this is a dream.

The shoggoths gon get Dee, nooooo.

This is too much, this is too much.

All dressed in white, she said you played on my feelings and I don't appreciate that. Fuck.

YOOO THERE ARE 10 MINUTES LEFT!

Sprinkles is that you? Since....nah its not sprinkles. AYYY SPRINKLES.

I think Leti has a protection on her so she's possibly alive.

Omg they cut his veins straight open.

I.....wtf.

See she is still alive, this gon fuck him up but might give him strength idk.

This is so fucked.

But im pretty sure Christina is gonna.....yep.

Aw shit it comes down to Ji-ah. This is fucking epic.

They tore a damn hole in fucking time and bound her damn powers.

So black people now have magic that the white folks can't access, thats mad smart.

Oh no Montrose nooo noooo

So this feels like a series finale but this was really really good.

Dee bouta get sprinkles to eat her ass up.

Ayyy Dee is the robot girl.

One season and done it seems but im really happy with this. A good win of black folks finally persevering. I know a lot of folks aren't gonna be happy I think but it was enjoyable.

#lovecraft country lb #lovecraft country spoilers #lovecraft country hbo #lovecraft country

[emotionalsupportshelby]

Hey hey! for weird asks that say a lot 50 and 61?

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

Oof I have dark humour...i was messaging my friend @pipsqueak-loves-everything the other week and said "legs go" instead of let's go... Then sent a gif of a dog flopping without legs..... Legs go.. I laughed for like a hour.. Other than that....doing a quiz with my dad... A question was "what do you call your mothers sister?" obviously meant to me aunt... He said so confidently... "Edna!!" me and mum just stared at each other like tf is he on... Also these photos of my dogs

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

I mean.... There's so many but recently

"she would have made such a lovely bride such a shame she's fucked in the head" - love belting that

The ICONIC scene of NO Fookin Fiiiiighting

And from the past... One line that got me throughhhh

"the sky's the limit" from 2x16 of agents of shield... Still kinda wanna get a tattoo of something related to it cuz that character got me throughhhh

But ALSO

"what's grief if not love persevering" which has stuck with me

[septembersghost]

Same anon. Just wanted to say I understand why you don't want to post my asks. I have stopped posting anything about spn/prequel/jensen because the fandom is very toxic. I was harassed, was told to kms during a time when I was going through a loss IRL. All over a ship(you can guess). I can only imagine how much hate I'll get if I say anything now. It's not worth it. I still love Dean so I'll be here lurking but that'll be the extent of my engagement.

i am posting this one because it makes me so angry and hurt knowing this kind of bullying goes on (and i've been bullied by completely different warring factions of the fandom, so...ugh i hear you. lmao have you truly lived in this fandom until you've been told to d-word by one set of shippers and called a delusional loser by the others? also the person who kept sending me hate messages specifically about how worthless dean was...i can only shake my head). it's a difficult line to tread - i think people should enjoy stories and participate in fandom however they like as LONG as it does not cross the lines into cruelty/harassment/various prejudices/etc - this is supposed to be FUN, but unfortunately (and this is not at all limited to spn, though we seem to deal with some extreme cases of it) fandom gets into in-fighting and can become a real stew of toxicity, and it is not okay. it's like people sometimes forget that other fans are human beings too, and while we love characters and stories and they resonate personally and uniquely, and that's why we hold them so dear, it is NEVER acceptable to harm others for the sake of fiction. that is like the exact antithesis of the point of art, which is supposed to make us think and feel and challenge and enrich us.

i am so sorry for the loss you experienced in real life. you didn't deserve to have that pain made worse, and you don't deserve to have something that means a lot to you diminished.

people sending hate over the actors is also ridiculous and uncalled for, fans need to learn how to separate those emotions out and how to address (be it positively or critically. you are allowed to support someone, you're also allowed to be frustrated/disappointed) those topics without coming after others for sharing opinions. i've mentioned many times that i don't like the term "parasocial" because i believe it's often misused, but when you cross the line into sending people death threats over different thoughts on a show or an actor, it is severely unhealthy. there's an unfortunate amount of almost...entitlement and projection?...towards the actors in our fandom, and i really wish everyone could take a step back from that and assess it.

it really does make my heart hurt that the love we've felt and shared together is an ongoing process of grief for many, and that aspects of it are souring. talking about this with a friend now, and resentment is a much more difficult thing to grapple with in ways than grief itself (what is grief if not love persevering, right? but resentment is bitter and harder to heal).

i used to enjoy writing and sharing thoughts and emotions about the story very much, and i've retreated from doing that or even posting as much spn in general because the fandom has been such a mess lately. i never felt like i had to silence myself (it's a wild feeling since i have been here forever!) before, but now i'm wary of even just sharing observations/passionate thoughts because i've gotten such cruel messages about it asdkljgf. i get why it's easier to lurk or just quietly reblog things than engage very directly. i wish i could make it better. i wish it didn't have to hurt anyone.

that said, you never have to give up your love for dean, and i hope you can find even more of the spark and comfort of it again with time. he's always with us, i know that. love for him is such an ingrained part of me that the most solace i've had is in remembering that it's formative and true and everlasting. i hope you hold onto it however you can. <3

#anonymous #letterbox #i am hugging you again rn #spn for ts

[susanbcnvs]

okay so!! drizzle here with my second child. susan is a completely new muse, and honestly i don’t know what i’m doing ( tho lbh, when do i ever? ), but i’ve written down some hcs that should hopefully make at least some sense and be somewhat helpful?? let’s just get into it. trigger warnings: death, mourning, super brief mentions of anxiety/ panic

SIMAY BARLAS? No, that’s actually SUSAN BONES from the GOLDEN TRIO ERA. You know, the child of HENRY BONES and SOPHIE BONES? About to begin SIXTH YEAR, this HUFFLEPUFF student is sided with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. SHE identifies as CIS-FEMALE and is a HALFBLOOD who is known to be SENSITIVE, PERFECTIONISTIC, and CYNICAL but also COMPASSIONATE, INDEPENDENT, and HARD-WORKING.

so susan obviously comes from the prominent bones family, that has close ties to the ministry and have been very against blood supremacy for a long time now. her parents, grandparents, uncle edgar and his family were all murdered in the first wizarding world, so susan was raised by her remaining aunt amelia. since she was only one year old at the time her parents died, she has no memories of them, and only what amelia has told her. the first wizarding war obviously had a huge impact on her family, and unlike some children that grew up in peaceful ignorance of the devastating effects of the war and blood supremacy, she’s never not seen the effect it had and the terror it caused. still, she’s grateful for the life she’s been given. her aunt was amazing and worked hard to make susan’s childhood a good one. and it was, for the most part --- she knows she could be so much worse off, and she’s grateful that she had amelia and for everything she’s given her. still, sometimes it was difficult not to let grief and bitterness and cynicism seep in, on birthdays and death anniversaries and those moments she’d catch her aunt grieving in private 

when she came to hogwarts, she was quickly sorted into hufflepuff. she was briefly considered for slytherin ( not quite long enough to be considered a hatstall ) due to her ambition, resourcefulness and determination, but ultimately her hufflepuff traits won out and her admiration for their attitudes and beliefs. there hasn’t been a day where she’s thought she was sorted into the wrong house --- she’s a hufflepuff through and through, and although she only had her aunt growing up, she found another family in her hufflepuff classmates, one which she will always be grateful for

susan is very enduring and persevering tbh. in part i think it’s just how she was raised? i mean, amelia lost all her family except for susan, and suddenly she had this baby she had to raise --- she definitely had to adapt and persevere through it despite the losses and grief she felt. susan knows that life can be cruel, it can bring you down, it can try its hardest to break you, but she also knows that she has to find a way to adapt to it and keep going? susan doesn’t view breaking down or being overwhelmed by negative emotions as a weakness, and when life gets tough she won’t ignore them or pretend she doesn’t feel them. i mean, it’s not something she wants to display in public, but in private or around people she trusts she’s comfortable with falling apart if that makes any sense?? she would never want to go through life as an emotionless zombie just to stay ‘strong’, but she also won’t let her emotions bring her down or stop her from moving forward? we’re closing in on 2 a.m. over here so i am most likely not explaining this well at all lmao, but this gif from the bold type ( go watch it ) kind of sums up her general attitude and approach to the challenging parts of life:

fifth year was... not fun. still reeling from the loss of cedric, umbridge changing essentially everything they loved about the school, the fear of the approaching war, joining the d.a. in hopes of being able to protect herself and her loved ones  --- all things that contributed to it being a Stressful Year. not only that, but her best friend hannah abbott lost her mum and susan had to watch her spiral out of control with little to no idea of how she could help her through it. furthermore, the death eaters that murdered her uncle edgar and his family escaped from prison, and throughout the school year she was pestered with questions from other students about her family and how they were murdered, understandably causing her a lot of emotional distress. she tried to focus her attention on the d.a. and the rest of her classes that umbridge hadn’t changed too much, but at the end of the school year she was just relieved to go home tbh and attempt put that behind her

sorry to say susan, but it only gets worse after that. in july before the start of this school year, amelia was personally murdered by voldemort in their home. susan was at a friend’s house at the time --- she wouldn’t be alive now if she’d been home --- but she was the one to discover her. i’m not gonna go into any details because none of us need that, but it was clear amelia had put up one hell of a fight, and it was obviously a traumatising experience for susan

since amelia had been her last living relative, susan was now an orphan with no other relatives to turn to. thankfully enough, hannah’s family were willing to take her in so that she wouldn’t have to go to a children's home/ into foster care. can’t even begin to explain how relieved susan was about that tbh, it might have been too much for her to handle otherwise. she may not have any blood relatives left, but she still has a family that will support her and catch her when she falls, and that familiarity and knowledge really does so much in helping her feel less alone and not letting her somewhat cynical nature bring her down, and just mourn her aunt in peace?? 

legit where would susan be without hannah abbott?? she’s happy she never has to know the answer to that

really into things like scrapbooking, pottery, knitting, photography and other creative mediums?? just finds them to be a good way for her to relax and not think Too Much for a while, plus she gets something beautiful out of it at the end ( she is here for the #aesthetic ). she might not be excellent at all of it ( her knitting is definitely Questionable ) but she finds it therapeutic

usually makes yearly scrapbooks for the hufflepuffs that they can keep in the common room to look back on fond memories, and that new/ future students can look through and see how close-knit they are. sort of a way to show them that although they may be away from their parents and the home that they know, they have a family here too that will support them through their years here and be there whenever they need a friend?? 

definitely did a little scrapbook in honour of cedric that anyone who wanted to help out with could, so that future generations got an idea of what an incredible person he was, and that he’s not just a name that’s remembered

is probably working on a scrapbook rn about her family, partly as a way to help her process and deal with the fact that they’re all gone now, and partly just to make sure that they’re not just another couple of names on a list of the deceased either. i mean, the bones family is well known in the wizarding world, especially in connection to the ministry, so she knows they won’t ever really be forgotten, but amelia was more than just the head of the department of magical law enforcement, and susan wants to show that. like i said, it’s just a scrapbook for herself and not something she would actually share, but she just kind of wants to show who they were as people and how much they mattered, even if it’s just to herself?? and obviously she didn’t know her parents or grandparents or the other family members that died during the first war, but she’s trying her best to do them justice based on the memories amelia told her about growing up 

definitely that student with perfectly colour-coordinated notes, organised binders, meticulously planned study timetable, detailed essay plans etc. etc. and just really looks like she Knows what she’s doing even if she’s just screaming on the inside

if she had grown up in modern times, she would be like.... ridiculously devoted to the bullet journal system and just make it aesthetic af. tho i guess now that she’s in the future, she might get the chance to actually try it

not one to procrastinate; knows it won’t do her any good, and would rather dive right into a task so she can give it her all. which is a good thing, because if she did procrastinate, she would likely Die from stress ( she already sort of is ). she can be a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to her schoolwork ( putting it lightly tbh ). she’s been known to finish an essay ( which she edited several times to make it Good Enough ) in the evening and then the next day decide that it is not, in fact, good enough and quite literally burn it and start again

honestly i’m making myself stressed just thinking about it pls love yourself susan and don’t make life harder for yourself 

for someone who seems so organised and put together, she actually has no idea what she’s really doing --- the future after hogwarts is just a terrifyingly blank canvas to her right now. she feels an extreme pressure to live up to her surname, especially now that she’s the last survivor, because her family did so much good. they were some of the brightest wizards and witches of their age, especially her aunt amelia, and it was part of the reason why they were targeted. susan just wants to make them, and herself, proud. she wants to make a real difference in the world, but whether that means heading into the same career field as amelia or doing something different, she’s not sure of yet

that’s also part of the reason why she puts so much effort into her studies --- when she finally figures out what she wants to do, she doesn’t want to realize she can’t do it because she didn’t work hard enough in school or anything. she just wants to give herself as good chance as possible to succeed

so. it’s pretty clear that susan Cares about her academic life, but it doesn’t come close to how much she cares about her friends. she will drop everything for you, no questions asked. even if you wake her at three a.m. the night before a big exam, she’ll stay up with you for the rest of the night if that’s what you need, talking or playing games or drinking a comforting cup of cocoa --- whatever you need. she’ll panic about the consequences later, for sure, but she’ll be there when you need her. she only had her aunt growing up, but she views her friends at hogwarts ( especially the other hufflepuffs ) as family, and she’ll do anything for them. they don’t have to consider her family in return, but she’ll definitely try her hardest to be there for them as much as possible

really good at braiding hair?? usually wears her hair in a long braid down her back, and is always willing to braid others’ hair, especially the younger students. the big sister of hufflepuff tbh

is honestly just. Terrified by the war, by the death eaters, by voldemort. i mean, the wars have claimed her whole family --- there’s never really been a time where she didn’t understand how serious the war was, how devastating the impact of it could be. how frightening of a time it was. one thing that hits her particularly hard is the fact that her family were great wizards --- they were so talented, and they still ended up dead. if they couldn’t make it out alive, what chance would susan really stand if the death eaters decided they wanted to rid the world of the last surviving bones member? she’s just so scared

that being said, she isn't someone who would let her fear paralyse or stop her from doing what's right? she's still going to fight for her friends, for the justice of her family, for the targeted muggleborns and blood traitors. she'll do anything she can to help dumbledore's army, even if she's scared as hell the whole time

in terms of the time travel thing, susan is Stressed and Conflicted. amelia's death is still so recent, susan doesn't even know what would happen if she met her here --- whether she would appreciate getting a few more moments with her aunt or if it'd just make the grieving and eventual goodbye harder ( because susan wholeheartedly believe there has to be a way for them to revert everything back to normal ). there's also the chance that she could run into her parents, or the other family members she never got to know --- and although she's always wanted to get the chance to know them, now that it might actually be a reality, she doesn't know how to feel. of course, there's also the worry of how this could affect the war, and the world as a whole --- what would happen if there was no way to fix this?? basically, susan is conflicted af atm and she is Not here for this situation.

at long last i will Shut Up and leave you with her pinterest board

#eras intro #( about. ) #wow once again i rambled A Lot #is anyone even surprised at this point #death tw #mourning tw #anxiety mention #panic mention #edit: just noticed tumblr cut off the last few bullet points smh but it's been fixed now

[yoga-nidra]

Today's International DAI Webinar - Text

THE WEBINAR BIBLIOGRAPHY IS LOCATED AFTER THIS POST, SO IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THAT, PLEASE SCROLL FURTHER DOWN. 

Here is a copy of the text of the presentation I created for the event, which is also posted on my now inactive http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com (The bold face and underline helps me know how to approach the materials as I am delivering it to the audience.) 

DAI Webinar Introduction — 02/22 & 23/2017

I am pleased to be here with you today and want to thank Kate Swaffer for the idea and DAI for making this gathering possible. 

Thank you ALL for joining us. I see some faces out there that I recognize and some that are new to me. For those of you calling in, I cannot see your face but I know it’s a friendly one! 

Some of you have stayed up very late to be with us, some of you have gotten up very early. 

And some of you can FORE-TELL THE FUTURE … because it’s already tomorrow where you live … please let me know how today goes.

Before we view the documentary, I would like to tell you a little about myself, say a very little about the disease called Dementia/Alzheimer’s, and explain how the documentary came to be. 

My comments will take approximately 10 minutes and the documentary runs for 15.

Following the documentary I will attempt to answer any questions you may have.

• • •

The story I am about to share with you is very personal one. I’m comfortable with crying in front of you, however it is very difficult to cry … and talk at the same time.

So if I do get choked up, I will pause, take a few deep breaths, and be right back. Thank you for your understanding. 

• • •

Gregory, my husband of over 41 years, who I met in the late 70’s … and lived with in a committed, same sex relationship before it was fashionable to talk about such things publicly … was diagnosed with DEMENTIA, most likely ALZHEIMER’S, in the 29th year of our relationship. 

We walked the Dementia/Alzheimer’s path together for 12 YEARS … He was NOT a victim of Alzheimer’s … but rather a HERO. 

He lived as well as possible as the disease progressed and I was able to keep him safe and to support him by helping him to be free of worries, responsibilities, and fears. 

I was able to help him compensate for his diminishing abilities while always trying to make sure that the respect and communication which defined our relationship never faltered.

I made sure that our daily life was full and rich and meaningful. Our life was filled with much laughter as well as many tears, joy as well as sorrow. And above all, it was filled with LOVE. 

The times were not easy, but we persevered. 

Admittedly, it is easier to talk about our adventure while looking back … when compared to the SOMETIMES HELL it was during the actual experience Dementia/Alzheimer’s path.

Alzheimer’s is not just about failing memory, as some people believe, and as you probably know. 

It also affects the thinking process, bodily functioning, and day to day activities.

For example: Think about the skills and steps necessary in taking a drink of water. While this is automatic for most people, it is NOT automatic for a person with advanced Dementia!

First you have to identify that you are thirsty. Then you have to understand that taking a drink of water will help satisfy that need.

You find a glass and fill it with water, not overfill it, and pick up the glass of being careful not to knock it over. 

You lift it in your hand, but not so strongly that you break it and cut yourself. You lift it at the correct angle so as not to spill the water.

You aim the glass towards your mouth, get the end of t e it to your lips without hurting yourself, since you can’t really see your lips, and allow just enough water to fill your mouth without letting it run down your chin.

You swallow the water as you are lowering the glass back towards the table at the proper angle, so it doesn’t fall over or spill. 

You finish swallowing the water carefully so it does not go down “the wrong pipe” causing you to choke. 

If it does, you need to remember how to cough with enough strength, to be able to get the water out of your lungs. 

If you swallow incorrectly too often … you can get too much water in your lungs … which causes aspiration … which can lead to pneumonia … and eventually could lead to death …

… all this for the want of being thirsty and taking a drink of water.

• • •

This is just ONE example of the breakdown of abilities; cognitive as well as physical, mental, physiological, psychological, social, emotional etc, which occurs with dementia … and the thousands of ways in which the disease expresses itself. Usually different for each person affected!

• • •

Gregory lived at home in our condo in Evanston, Illinois, in the U.S.A. for 10+ of his years with dementia.

The last 18 months brought him to the point of needing such intense care, that short of turning the condo into a hospital ward, with 24/7 support staff, I was no longer able to provide for all of his needs while at home.

We were very fortunate to find and to afford, close to home, the Lieberman Center for Memory Care. He began there on private pay which transitioned into government supported Medicaid. 

I now was no longer fully responsible for Gregory 24/7 and was grateful to have a team of people to support his medical, living, and safety needs.

The medical staff included me in the team for all decisions and were always responsive to my inquiries and suggestions as well as requests to be educated about the best health practices available to  us. I always had the final say about Gregory’s care!

Gregory enjoyed most of the activities and “hub-bub” of the place. Being with other people and developing a new sense of community helped him greatly as well. He made friends and he never once asked, “What am I doing here?” 

I continued to provide much of his social/emotional support and spent time with him every day. 

The center provided excellent medical care but even though the ratio of caregiver to resident was higher than that required by the State of Illinois, there is never enough time to really give residents enough one-on-one loving attention.

By now Gregory no longer had use of language and was not able to do much for himself. He always knew who I was and was always happy to see me and we developed new ways of communicating.

For the most part he was happy and content and peaceful in his new life. When problems rarely surfaced at the care center, they were easily taken care of.

• • •

I hired a day-man to be with Gregory from 11:00 AM - 7:00 PM every day. This gave me piece of mind during the time of day when I was not able to be there. 

Manny provided Gregory with companionship, help with meals, made sure the aids knew when Gregory needed to be cleaned up. He ran the DVD, TV, and music for Gregory. He helped with napping, exercising and stretching.

Manny kept him hydrated and plied with  treats: cookies, pretzels, chocolates, and donuts, all the things Gregory loved. Manny helped Gregory get to building funtions, read aloud to him, looked through picture books with him, and spent a lot of time outdoors during good weather.

• • •

Hospice entered the picture during the last year of Gregory’s life. Death was not imminent but when you can prove continuing need and continuing decline, our government will pay for hospice care.

Hospice was so supportive to Gregory. I am grateful to this day for the medical help they provided for him but also for their helping me understand the nature of the Dementia’s trajectory and in the end, the process of dying. 

One day in early October, I received a call from Hospice that informed me that it looked like Gregory was preparing himself to die. 

It was actually a surprise, first because in some ways, having been on the Dementia/Azheimer’s path for so long, I probably believed that Gregory would never die. 

Secondly, he had been relatively healthy and the previous winter had gotten through three major bouts of coughs and colds, most likely Pneumonia, on his own. 

It took him three days to finalize his preparations to die. Before I left on Saturday night, I once again told him to take care of himself, and to not worry about me when he was ready to leave us. 

He was able to open his eyes briefly and give me one last kiss, after having been in a coma for those three days. I considered this a wonderful miracle! 

The next day, he peacefully began his next adventure on the other side of life as we know it.

I will not go into detail about the grief I felt; and trying to come to grips with the finality of death,  the meaning of life, and evaluating our 12 years of living with Dementia … but suffice it to say that Gregory and my love for each-other was so strong that it helped me through. 

Great love creates great grief. They go hand in hand. It does get easier over time but grief rears its emotional head now and then when least expected.

I am able to sit with my emotions, ask them what lessons they have brought me, and slowly I begin to feel better and am able to go on with my day. Gregory will always be with me … true love never ends!

• • •

Whether you are the one who has received the diagnosis of Dementia/Alzheimer’s, or the one who loves the person who has … the way in which dementia progresses and expresses itself over time can be one of the most challenging, painful, frightening, confusing, and frustrating experiences you will ever encounter. 

You will not always be at your best … but if done well … and with love … it can also be a time of renewed love, creativity, and many unexpected gifts. 

As my friend Kate Swaffer says, “the diagnosis of Dementia/Alzheimer’s does not have to be a DEATH SENTENCE, one can choose to live a full, meaningful life and find ways to deal with its progress.”

I have said that Gregory was not a VICTIM of Alzheimer’s but rather a HERO! Recently, in looking back, I have begun to be been able to say that Gregory … AND  I … were not victims of Alzheimer’s … we were BOTH … HEROS!

• • •

The documentary, ALZHEIMER’S: A Love Story, which you are about to see, follows Gregory and me for a week towards the end of his life. 

The documentary was done in March of 2015 by the son of Gregory’s college roommate and best friend. Gregory passed seven months later.

Gabe, the son, created the documentary as part of the requirements for one of his college courses in film making at Chapman University, Dodge School of Media Arts in Orange, California.

The message, which I believe is a beautiful one, takes Gregory and my 41 year love relationship and Gregory’s 12 years living with Alzheimer’s, and distills it into a moving 15 minute documentary. 

I think you will agree as you experience the story … that the same sex couple issue … and the Alzheimer’s issue … almost seem to disappear  … what emerges is a story of any two people who love each other very much … and what happens to that love when any long term, catastrophic disease strikes.

• • •

After the documentary I will try to address any questions you may have. Now, lets watch. There will be a brief period of your computer going black as the documentary begins.

Q & A  Intro After the Documentary

The documentary is a tough act to follow! I would like to again mention that a copy of my bibliography for this webinar is located on my blog: http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com. You can also check my website www.horvich.com for links to my many projects.

• • •

Just a gentle reminder that this Q&A is based on the Documentary you just watched and on my experiences Gregory and my journey with Dementia/Alzheimer’s.

In fairness to those signed in, it is not the time to tell your story. If you have a question I will try to address it but if you want to tell your story, find my blog, leave a comment, and I would be happy to open a conversation with you. 

I’ll now hand the webinar over to Kate for the Q&A.