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sunflowerhae · 4 years

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;moon taeil

;language

;happy birthday moon taeil. i have never felt sexually close to him, because we have such a huge age difference (almost 9 years) but i love him all the same, and i wanted to convey that. also sorry, i wrote this in like 20 mins.

i could feel the air on my skin.

i could hear the crashing of the deep waves below my body from where i laid.

they sounded distant, and unfamiliar, yet so known to my untrained ear. like a song i had heard, long ago, but forgotten the lyrics to.

if i laid completely still - not a twitch of my legs, not a flutter of my eyelids - i could imagine myself crashing onto the ocean flow, hearing, blown out and breathing, forever halted as i drifted into death; my body slowly dissolving into flakes of sand and meals for my predators.

if i concentrated just enough; i could feel myself leave my body.

yet, the feeling of someone kicking my thigh softly and mumbling my name lured me back into my plane of existence, and for a moment, i had to remind myself who i was and what i was doing.

grass, laying down, eyes closed, y/n - right.

“y/n, did you hear me?” Taeil’s voice finally peered through my dizziness, as i slowly peaked my eyes open, only to look up at the taller man currently blocking the sun from burning my eyes.

Taeil was my angel.

not my literal angel, of course. He was as human as me, as human as anyone could be, anyway. While i understood that calling someone my angel would imply an unhealthy relationship - one where i depended on him - it isn’t too far fetched from the truth, unfortunately. for Taeil was basically my angel. We had met many many years ago, when i still regularly smiled and he was still at least in the 5’4 feet range. we were both wide eyed freshmen in college, and were both the unfortunate conclusion of what happens when you decide to look down at a map when walking instead of looking out for slightly taller strangers. the memory still brings an ill-fitted smile onto your face.

“oh! sorry!” he was awkward, that you could tell, and had hair that you just knew he got off of a justin bieber album, but you didn’t want to judge him based off looks.

instead, you decided to judge him based off of the incoming bruising that would most definitely show up on your ass by nightfall.

“it’s okay!” you tried a smile, but felt like it came off as a grimace. so instead, you just moved to pick up the bag and map that you had previously held in your hands. when looking down, you saw a hand come into you view, momentarily blocking you from picking up your map. upon looking up at the korean justin bieber, you saw he was smiling wide at you, while introducing himself as Moon Taeil, and

“-from Dongdaemun-gu!”

after that moment, you saw Taeil pretty much everywhere you went. it wasn’t long until he walked up to you and asked if you liked coffee. and when you said you were more of a tea person yourself, he gladly accommodated to your needs, going on about a new tea shop on campus he was just dying to try out.

yet, it wasn’t a surprise by anyone that you and Taeil had never kissed, let alone had sex.

it wasn’t a surprise, because no matter how anyone tried to look at it, you and Taeil just did not seem like a couple. did he always find a way to touch you, whether that be a locked in side hug, a secret pinky holding under the table, or a singular hand playing with the crusted tips of your hair between his fingers? yes. did you two continuously pout at each other whenever you wanted something from the other, almost to the point where one could describe it as aegyo? occasionally. and did Taeil sometimes kiss you on the cheek, or the forehead, as a way of parting? it could be said.

but, all of that could be and simply was the cause of two people who could be soulmates in another life - and probably were - and were in love with each other - just, platonically.

Taeil was your angel.

to you, he held the stars in his hand and pushed the planets around the sun. hell, he was your sun. he always knew how to make you happier. how to take your fake smile and push it until it felt as real as he did when he called you a dork endearingly. when you sat across from him at a restaurant you couldn’t remember the name of, and you both laughed about something your shared friend johnny had said not a couple days prior, he felt as real as the same feeling of hearing waves crashing from the cliff you and your two year best friend were currently occupying.

“sorry?” you mumbled, sitting up.

“i said, why did you call me to meet you here? what is this place?” he scrunched his nose in detest after taking a small glance towards the cliff’s edge, before looking back down at you, and moving to sit next to you.

“haha, what do you mean? Happy Birthday!” you entrapped him in bear hug the minute he was comfortably sitting next to you, and he laughed while gripping his hands onto your forearm currently wrapped around his chest.

“thanks, y/n/n. but seriously, we have never been here before. what is this place?”

“i’m not really sure. i was driving by, on my way to this coffee place down the road i wanted to try, when i saw this spot and had to stop. i was going to stay for just a second, but it was so pretty i had to just..inhale it all. i wanted to share it with you, pretty nice way to start your 26th birthday, huh?” you smirked.

“i guess..” he trailed off and looked to the right, away from you. something was wrong with him, you quickly learned.

“hey, what’s up? you seem down on the one day of year you’re legally not allowed to be.” taeil didn’t say anything for a minute or so, any when he looked back at you, the sun perfectly revealed the gloss and red of his eyes.

“i’m 26 now, y/n. 26. and i feel like i’ve done..nothing with my life. people my age are getting married, having kids! shit, i’ve barely paid off my car. i just, where did the fucking time go?” he looked out at the ocean in front of your figures, and you softly placed your hand over his left shoulder, and said nothing. In your 25 years of life, you had learned that sometimes, people didn’t need words to feel the emotions you shared, and in the 8 years that you and taeil had been friends, you didn’t need verbal confirmation that he understood how you felt about the situation.

“you don’t need to always have it figured out.”

you replaced your hand on his shoulder with your head, and you two stayed there for another hour or so, eventually talking about the plans for the day, before getting up and agreeing to go to that coffee shop you wanted to try.

by the end of the night, you finally found taeil sitting on the balcony of Taeyongs apartment, where a surprise party for taeil was under way. you walked up and shifted into the seat adjacent your best friend.

“hey loser, i was wondering where you were! you missed it, drunk doyoung did a body shot off of an even drunker johnny. i swear that old man is going to blow his back out one day.” you laughed, while taking a swig of your gross beer.

“hey, i’m older than him. what does that make me?”

“a veteran.” you both laughed, and continued staring down at Seoul’s still busy streets.

“i hope it was a happy birthday, taeil.” you said, softly, after some time. taeil turned back to you, and gave you a small, all-knowing, smile.

“it was, wasn’t it?”

;lowercase intended

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mocarena · 4 years

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post of Chu2 rambles and predictions

i realized i actually needed to make this now that S3 is knocking me down with anticipation

blabla this thread is long as heck and incomprehensible so aha good luck if youre actually trying to read thru it. i just wanted a place to write my predictions down to see how right or how utterly wrong i am! whole thing’s under a read more cuz its a lot

spoilers for S2, the RAiSe! manga, and small spoiler for Film Live

Exhibit: Songs

I’m starting off with talking RAS’ songs because they give me a good basis to talk on several things regarding the band & Chu2.

There might be mentions of other songs, but I will focus on 2 in particular.

Takin’ My Heart

Imo, the most important piece in regards to Chu2 and her character.

That is due to Radio Riot #7 having revealed that the song is literally about Chu2’s beliefs/feelings.

It is also written by her in the Bandori canon (as all RAS songs are since she is the producer, but we know for sure with the Radio confirmation & also how the song came out past Season 2 that this is a song written with Chu2’s perspective in mind).

Raychell even said that she once cried singing the song during her own practice time.

Information source: Iviachupichu on Twitter, a faithful translator who often talks about the contents of Radio Riot episodes. Link https://twitter.com/iviachupichu/status/1106469855757164544!

TL of the song taken from http://www.rizuchan.com/bang-dream-cardfight-vanguard-takin-my-heart/ !!

Long falling down again I’m immature, building up lies and distancing myself from others I feel all torn up; I hold my heart Try to fake a smile… hey, my cheeks hurt

Cry… I hide my rusted eyes Cry… I want you to notice Oh, Come here, Please…

Takin’ my heart Does my voice Takin’ my heart Reach you now…? Takin’ my heart I don’t want to vanish pathetically Takin’ my heart Into a sea of loneliness I’ll just keep crying out to you Today, tomorrow, and for a long time after (Without giving up) I hope my feelings reach you…!

^ not the full TL, just a taste of the beginning

Clearly I don’t have to point out how heartfelt that song is, the lyrics speak for themself and aren’t very subtle (which is very much the point since she’s asking for her feelings to be reached after all).

I’m stupidly annoying when it comes to talking about Takin’ My Heart, I absolutely need to emphasize on the fact that these lyrics are Chu2’s honest feelings.

Expect parts of this song to be brought up throughout this a whole lot.

2. UNSTOPPABLE

Now this song has no confirmation on being composed with Chu2 in mind, considering it’s a very early RAS song and has been sung before we even got the reveal of the RAS characters.

However, I believe it DOES hold significance:

-I have no doubts that the introduction of RAS characters together with the band were in mind early on already, due to how early Bushiroad plans things months in advance.

-RIOT, the first RAS original, has very clear tones of it having been written by Chu2 in Bandori canon (a very arrogant sounding song, sure of its music and it almost seems like it’s directed at Yukina). Thus I wouldn’t put it past the production team having formed Chu2’s character around RIOT and UNSTOPPABLE, or they already had her type of character in mind when first composing these songs.

-It’s not far-fetched to say this song might have some ties to Chu2’s feelings since we’ve got the even more blatant song Takin’ My Heart.

I won’t copy paste all of the lyric translations, it’s simply too long, but here are several parts that stick out to me:

———————

The emptiness springs forth like I'm helplessly thirsty

My back droops... I put too much hope in each day

(Hurry up)

「Don't let me down」, I'm always told

(Hurry up)

Cornered, mouth covered, difficulty breathing

I'm caught in a trap

Please indulge in my annoying ramblings

I just won't stop seeking approval every day

Me, I'm my own accomplice,

with a fake me, dance! Dance! (Lullaby)

Doubt and worry stick their tongues out,

pointing at and ridiculing me

Are you enjoying? Are you excited?

Yes? Do you really get it?

Then that's fine

———————

Please ignore my annoying ramblings

I'll just abandon seeking approval every day

———————

My belief of UNSTOPPABLE still having an intended Chu2 connection also lies within the lyrics:

“Please indulge in my annoying ramblings, I just won't stop seeking approval every day”

From what we’ve seen in the anime, Chu2 definitely seems very attention and approval-seeking, specifically when it comes to Yukina.

I will talk about more specific parts of these songs (+ other one-liners from RAS lyrics) within the rest of this big time ramble.

————————————————

Exhibit: Chu2’s Past….?

A big emphasis on the question mark at the end, as we barely know anything about her past. One thing we know is that due to her excellent grades, she is in her first year of high school despite being only 14 & she studies/studied(?) in an international school, explaining her use of English.

However, based on RAS songs + some bits of the anime I can try to theorize on her past. It might be completely wrong, or I might just get it right, who knows, this is just for fun & speculation.

Family Situation

The anime made a point of how luxurious of a building the studio Chu2 works and has band rehearsals in, there’s even a ~50 seconds scene of Tae just staring at the building and the insides of it in awe.

Now whether or not that building entirely belongs to Chu2’s family, or only the studio, or it’s only being rented out, it still is clearly very expensive either way. The studio is often being used after all, too.

What that very glaringly hints at is that Chu2 is wealthy. Well, not Chu2, but moreso her family, who we know virtually nothing of.

Now that could mean that her family situation isn’t of significance at all like how it is with a lot of characters in Bandori. But that could also not be the case, considering that Bushiroad does dip into family stuff with a few characters (Saaya, Ran and Yukina come to mind).

Chu2 is 14 years old, so having her lyrics be based off of feelings regards her family/overall social situation isn’t that far fetched.

I’ll go ahead and say that personally I theorize that this might fall into the tropey category of “Kid of rich parents gets practically anything but barely gets attention from their parents”.

I can easily believe that Bushiroad would want to take a route different from this, but there’s a lot of freedom for theorization and I think going with the common route is a pretty safe bet for a theory.

Unlike Betadori they don’t dip into territory that is too angsty, it seems, but it’s not like they’d need to be blatant about something like that either.

「Don't let me down」, I'm always told

———

Please indulge in my annoying ramblings

I just won't stop seeking approval every day

———

Please ignore my annoying ramblings

I'll just abandon seeking approval every day

^UNSTOPPABLE lyrics

I think it’s important to point out the difference between the last two bits. The lyrics first start out as a plead for listening to her and approving of her achievings, later in the song that part changes to ‘just ignore me please’.

Those lyrics also explain Chu2’s personality pretty well, in my opinion.

Even after being rejected by Yukina she kept trying to get her to watch her band, basically asking for approval from someone whose talent she looks up to.

I also believe that Chu2 might be an unhealthy perfectionist, which seems like a thing that might rise the tension within the band, but more to that later.

————————————————

Exhibit: Chu2 in the Present

The childish child who won’t let herself be a child

Now if that ain’t a mouthful of a title, but hopefully I can explain my thoughts well enough so it’s somewhat understandable.

Chu2 clearly has a bratty personality and throws tantrums when she doesn’t get what she wants, but to me it doesn’t seem as shallow as that.

The official website describes her as a professional who is arrogant at times, but not rude.

Need I remind you that this girl’s just 14?

Here’s what I think:

Chu2 is a child at heart. But she doesn’t want to let that part of hers show too much due to how she wants to be treated: like a professional.

But she’s clearly an excitable child, as it was shown with how excited she got over the studio when she came to talk to Popipa in Arisa’s basement. For that moment she lost herself and probably could’ve gone on for a while Maya-style if Pareo hadn’t reminded her of her “official greeting”.

What I think is that Chu2, due to wanting to be treated with high respect as a producer, doesn’t want to appear childish, so she holds herself back unless the heat of the moment gets her or she feels like she can express her excitement without it damaging her ‘professional’ manners. Like when she got pumped after a RAS live, for example.

A quote that could be overlooked but might actually have a little bit of relevance if the words were carefully chosen was the following:

“She thinks playing “band” like a bunch of kids is better than being in my group?!”

Tbh this literal child using the phrase ‘like a bunch of kids’ for something like…well, a band of friends being a band, just makes her seem like she wants to take herself incredibly seriously compared to other bands. To show that they’re not “kids” like the others.

In addition to that, she skipped a grade. In an international school. She seems to be really set on providing the best grades and world-changing music to appear worthy without letting herself indulge all that much in living a childhood. I could totally be exaggerating things, but I think it’s not too far-fetched of a thought.

Tantrums

Not a subject I’ll talk long about, but I think there’s things worth pointing out.

She’ll wait until whoever she’s angry at is out of her sight.

With Yukina she started yelling once Roselia was completely gone.

With Otae it’s a bit of a different case. This time she verbally even told her to get out of her sight before letting off steam, though Popipa weren’t completely out of hearing reach either.

2. She looks genuinely distressed.

The purpose of pointing out #2 is that she seems to have deeper reasonings as to why exactly she’s this desperate to have the perfect band/band members. Especially paired with the line of “I finally found what I’ve been looking for…”, she clearly isn’t doing this stuff just for fun and has got some sort of inner turmoil dealing with the fact that things aren’t going her way to which she responds, well, like that.

She’s not entitled to any bands or like anyone else obviously, and she needs to deal with that fact more maturely in the future.

But still, something HAS to be the root of exactly why she feels like this, to finally have found something.

It’s of importance to her, but why…?

I’d throw out the theory of seeking for approval again. She wants the perfect band that could make impact on the world. Maybe she wants the approval of someone (not Yukina, as she’s been searching for a while and clearly already felt this way before even seeing Roselia), probably someone older and personal to her. So I’d bet it on parents again, it IS the easiest answer after all, but who knows. There just seems to be someone (or more) she wants to impress.

Probably related to her bc it seems personal, if not maybe someone else she looks up to.

---------

Exhibit: I wrote all the above way before I’m writing this part

I genuinely haven’t revised the above at this point of time, the 7th of January. So some stuff might be outdated, but I kinda wanna leave it like that, to see what past me has come up with. I vaguely know and have skimmed, but I wanna write more beyond this point now without knowing the details.

Aka I might repeat a lot of things here now!

CHU2 is actually very much in tune with people’s feelings & desires...when they express them through music.

Now I’m pretty sure this is something I haven’t talked about (or at least not much). Chu2 doesn’t strike one as a very empathetic character, as one has seen with how she was still willing to get Otae back into her band, despite Popipa’s deep bond.

But hear me out. This girl actually can understand other’s feelings well, under specific circumstances. And the RAS manga “RAiSe!” proved that.

With each RAS member, it seems like she just knew their desires upon hearing them play. It’s not yet confirmed with Pareo due to Pareo’s 2nd chapter not having been published yet at this point of time, but chapter 1 already leads up to what I think is Chu2 confronting Pareo (online invitation first), and understanding that Pareo holds her true self back.

With Layer she knew she was unhappy- she knew she didn’t want to keep playing support. She knew she didn’t look very happy, especially for someone who played at Budokan. And through that knowledge she was able to persuade her to listen to her music and to imagine what it’d be like in a band together with other members who’d give it their all.

Very much the same with Masking. Masking’s drumming is intense, and she feels like she cannot express herself well outside of drumming. Her desire was to have fun in a band with others on her level, where every member gave it their all on their instruments. Once again, Chu2 was able to convince her to join her band, she let her listen to her track, and Masking did improv drumming on it, in turn also impressing the producer.

Pareo’s desire is to be accepted for who she is. Since she was small she hid her true self that loves cute things, and kept her distance from classmates, pretending to be the perfect student in the eyes of them, her teachers, her parents...and when she first saw Pasupare on TV, she cried due to seeing how much support they got, something she didn’t feel like she received. She found joy in uploading videos of her doing keyboard pasupare covers online without showing her face. The simple prediction here is that Chu2 finds her covers, meets with Pareo in one way or another, and is able to tell that she hides her true self. Somehow she convinces her to change that and embrace her true self, and that she’ll be supported by the band.

RAS songs often are about going against the norm- RIOT for example symbolizes a rebellion. Masking heard the demo song Chu2 gave her, and got the impression that it made one feel like you want to declare war against the world. That it seemed like “that girl” was trying to raise hell itself with her intense music. Even short bits like in DRIVE US CRAZY, one lyric line goes “Never Say Never Crazy”. RAS is a band about expressing your true self. And Chu2 very much could be putting those kinda desires and feelings into these songs.

A little thought here about Chu2 watching Popipa performances on two occasions with very different reactions. When Popipa played a supporting band at Roselia’s self-sponsored live, Chu2 was shown to be very disinterested in them. Whilst Popipa was great, Chu2 might’ve felt the anxiety that Popipa had in them at that point of time and thus had that disinterest. At the Popipa self-sponsored live at the end of S2 however she showed a completely different reaction, dancing happily along to Dreamers Go! and being embarrassed upon Pareo noticing. Maybe at this point she truly felt Popipa’s real confidence, and the bond that they share.

Not to mention she admitted to having felt moved by Popipa later on.

Chu2′s got something big coming. Hopefully in S3. Maybe later on. (Cough RAS in game COUGH)

There’s just a whole lot of signs pointing to that. Especially since Lock, the future RAS guitarist, really is an opposite to Chu2′s own ideals. All Lock wants to do is have fun in a band with anyone at any level of playing instruments, as long as she feels the dokidokis. Chu2 is very profession-oriented. It also has a great potential to be a little bit of a Roselia parallel, since that was the band Chu2 originally wanted to be the producer of. And Roselia had their struggles with the just-pro approach, learning that forming strong friendships within the band very much are beneficial.

A little step towards that I feel is already hinted with the Film Live, in which she appeared backstage with the rest of RAS, bringing flowers together with Pareo.

Even if she is huffy about it and it’s hard to admit for her that she does want to be nice and that she had been in the wrong regards past issues, it’s a step in the right direction.

Chu2 will have great development, and a lot of depth behind her character will be revealed.

#whew #chu2 #not tagging more bc im actually p embarrassed ab this #esp since i didnt read through it all again #so lol just take this @ anyone who happens to come across this #AND reads it #theres prolly a bajillion mistakes nd junk but i cant b bothered #to read thru it all again

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thisgr8life · 5 years

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Sometimes I just sit in my car in the midst of my busy days and I'm hit with a semi-paralyzed feeling. I just sit and stare into the distance at nothing at all. I sit in silence. The only sounds are the world outside and the rhythmic breathing with the rise and fall of my chest. The sun breaks through the clouds and hits my face. It makes me squint and with it the tears; that had been filling my eyes; roll down my cheeks.

I just stare as the numbness envelopes my body. Most times I'm just empty and hollow feeling. No thoughts, just questions. So many questions that I know I'll never have the answers to. A car door slams beside me and jolts me back to reality. I quickly dab my eyes with a lone napkin I'm able to scrounge from the glovebox. I put my keys in the ignition and I head off to real life and all its responsibilities. Oh, life, the beautiful life that I have. A life that I'm so very thankful for. The life that I wouldn't have without having been through the trials that I've walked. I believe God has a purpose for everyone's life. I've always wondered what God's purpose was for my life. Is my purpose to walk through the valley of miscarriage multiple times to be able to help others? I'm starting to realize that even though this struggle may be painful for me, God's intentions may be for the good of someone else. I write because it's the only way to wring out my soul. It's the only part left untouched from the countless days in bed, tear-stained cheeks, and swollen red eyes. It's the outlet to expose the tender blisters on my heart. It's the verbal regurgitation of the gut-wrenching pain left lingering with each breath. Writing for me is the only way I feel I can get it all out. I just let my heart bleed onto the blank pages. I tell my story because it's slightly cathartic. I share my experiences because, for me, there has to be a purpose in all this pain. What is the message in this mess?

I can't believe we were here…again, for the third time. We were six weeks pregnant when I received the phone call while driving with my son across town. My phone burned hot in my hand as the nurse spoke, "I'm sorry, but based on your latest lab results it's highly unlikely that this pregnancy will be viable." There was, however, a concern that it was possibly an ectopic pregnancy. I held my composer on the phone as I scheduled a rush ultrasound for the next morning to rule this out. To say I was crushed was an understatement. I hung up the phone and angrily slung it across the front seat. They were wrong. This couldn't be happening again. Please not this time, God. I just stared as I drove silently for a few miles. I went into auto-pilot mode as cars whizzed by me. I was mad. No scratch that, I was angry. I wanted to scream. I balled up my fist and beat the steering wheel over and over and over again. The sting pulsed up my arm as tears streamed down my face. I glanced in my rearview mirror and caught the little eyes of my four-year-old son in the backseat. "Mommy, what's wrong? Why are you so angry? Why are you crying, Mommy?" He just didn't know or understand. "I'm just sad, buddy," I replied. I arrived home and made the dreaded walk from the car into the house. My husband was inside and I was devastated by the thought of having to tell him that yet again we had lost another baby. As I walked in and closed the door behind me, I just looked at my sweet husband and burst into tears. I didn't have to say a word, I just shook my head "no" as I began sobbing and he knew. Of course, he did. It was a very real fear…an expected fear realized once again.

I sent our son outside to play. My husband and I stood silently in the kitchen for what seemed like hours. Tears soaked my shirt and the tissue I held in my hand was a wadded up ball worthless for anything. I just hung my head and kept my eyes to the floor. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I was broken. I couldn't give him another baby. When I finally composed myself, I raised my head and looked at him and tearfully said, "I'm so sorry." He reached his arms out to pull me in and quietly whispered, "No, it's not your fault." I buried my face in his chest and sobbed. My cries were muffled, but my body shook. My husband just held me. He knew he didn't need to say anything. We both knew that nothing could fix this inevitable situation. After leaving a large wet spot on his chest, I stepped back from my husband and dabbed my eyes. "I just can't believe this. I'm just so mad! I'm SO MAD! So so so MAD!" I shook my fists in the air and burst into sobs again. I remember our first two losses came with an initial emotion of utter sadness. This time I was just flat out angry. Suddenly I felt a wave of embarrassment wash over me. From the moment we waited those three minutes before finding out we were pregnant I gave it all to God. I decided early on that I could not prevent anything bad from happening so why stress or worry about it. I prayed and prayed that God would comfort my heart in accepting His will, no matter the outcome. I wanted to try and relax and "enjoy" the moments. I thought to myself, "How could I have been so naive?" "How could I have been so stupid?" My husband had been uneasy and concerned from the beginning. There were days when I just wanted him to be happy in the moment with me. I was wishing in this moment, however, that I had been a little more guarded myself. How foolish was I to think I could let that wall down?

As the evening went on, we decided to sit down with our son and explain what was going on. You see, we hadn't even told him yet that we were expecting. And now we were going to have to explain this to him because he would have to go with us to the ultrasound appointment the next morning. We have been transparent with him about our first two losses that came before him. My heart broke into a million pieces when I saw how excited he was about the possible prospect of having a baby sibling. We didn't tell him that the baby may not make it. I held onto the slightest bit of hope that the ultrasound the next morning might reveal that tests were just too early and our little baby was still ok. Micah's glee and excitement was so bittersweet. I never could have imagined how excited he would be. If anything, I was holding onto hope for my sweet little son.

The next morning my emotions were running high as I struggled to chug at least 32 ounces of water in a brief window of time. Having a very full bladder is a necessary evil for some ultrasounds. It also makes for a very uncomfortable experience of trying not to empty said bladder while getting the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech proceeded with the scan and my heart skipped a beat for a brief moment when the screen showed an embryonic sac in the uterus. This was a welcome relief for the simple fact that it ruled out the concern of an ectopic pregnancy. I frantically searched the screen for that little tiny flicker of a heartbeat. I wasn't seeing it. Maybe I was just missing it. The technician commented that there currently was not a visible heartbeat, however, the gestational dates may just be too soon to actually see a heartbeat. I clung to her last statement. I thought, "Ok, that's all, we're just off on dates and it's too early to see a heartbeat. It's going to be fine." I didn't want to give up just yet, even though in the back of my mind I knew. Our son was delighted to see the ultrasound on the monitor. All I could think was, "Please God, if just for my son."

As the day wore on we anxiously awaited the call from my doctor's office to deliver the ultrasound results. It was waiting for something we already knew the answer to. My phone finally rang. I didn't want to answer it. Maybe if I didn't answer, then this would all just go away. I picked up the phone and listened as my nurse confirmed what we had already known. "Based on your dates there should be a heartbeat at this point. We'll schedule another ultrasound in a week if you haven't already miscarried by then." I wanted to tell her she was wrong and that the dates were probably just off. I wanted to say these things if only to help convince myself that they were wrong. All the wishful thinking in the world wasn't going to change the fact that we were losing our third child.

Up to this point, I had not experienced any symptoms of miscarriage as I had with my first two losses. There was no cramping, no spotting or bleeding. Nothing. Everything was just fine. I was showing normal healthy signs of pregnancy and was super nauseous all the time. My first two losses started with cramping and then spotting and then the dreaded pain and bleeding. I knew what to expect the third time around. I waited and waited and still no signs or symptoms. I prayed and prayed. I asked God for hope that the dates were just off and in a week we would finally be able to see that little heartbeat. That week was the longest week of my life. Each day I waited for the inevitable to happen, but still, nothing. If this was a loss, my body was not letting go. No cramping and no bleeding. Each prayer echoed with the same request, "Lord, please let them be wrong. And if they're not wrong, please catch me if I fall."

The day of the follow-up ultrasound arrived. Our house had an eerie quiet that morning. While getting ready I looked into my husband's eyes, my voice cracked, "Promise me, that no matter what happens today, we love God through this." His hands grabbed mine as he whispered, "Of course." We made up our minds then and there that even though this was never our plan, we would pray for understanding in God's plan. As the two of us got into the car I turned on the song "Even If" by MercyMe. The lyrics had been a constant reminder and comfort over the previous week that no matter what the outcome was our God was still first. As the lyrics filled the air the tears streamed down my face.

"I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone"

The entire drive across town we did not say a single word. We arrived at the doctor's office and checked in. There is nothing like sitting in a waiting room full of pregnant women when you're facing potentially heartbreaking news. There's nothing like having to hold in your emotions to not draw undue attention to yourself. I couldn't hold back the tears. I got up and went to the restroom. I locked myself inside and turned the sink on full blast and covered my mouth with a wad of paper towels to muffle my sobs so the other patients wouldn't hear me. I tried to compose myself the best I could before returning to the waiting room. There's nothing like pretending you're ok when your swollen red eyes say differently.

The doctor was running behind this day so our wait was quite long. When they finally called us back I tried not to make eye contact with anyone else along the way. The doctor entered the room and asked me a few questions. She began the ultrasound as I lay there in silence. "I'm sorry, but there's no heartbeat." The words echoed in my ears. The pain and sting of this heartbreaking burden was unfortunately all too familiar. The doctor replaced the ultrasound wand in its cradle and I sat up and scooted to the edge of the cold exam table. The room morphed into a blurry slow-motion tunnel. The doctor took her seat on a stool as she discussed the situation with me and my husband. I didn't cry at first. There was no initial shock at this point. I knew. My husband knew…we…knew. I held everything together, that is until the doctor mentioned that further testing wasn't indicated until there had been three consecutive miscarriages. Three in a row! It didn't matter that this was my third miscarriage because I had two miscarriages then a live birth and now a third. Medicine is cruel in ways. The truth of the matter is that in at least 50% of miscarriages there is no explanation or underlying issue. It just happens for reasons no one knows. I don't know about you, but 50% odds of actually finding an answer aren't the greatest odds. I have bigger faith in my God than a lousy 50% odds in medicine. And more than that, we needed to get through this impending loss first before we even discussed anything further in regards to testing.

The doctor showed compassion that I hadn't been met with by other doctors on my first two losses. I believe circumstances and God led me to this new doctor. Having a caring and empathetic doctor makes the sting of loss burn just a little less. She took her time and answered all our questions. She did not rush us out the door even though she was running behind and our story was over. We were given three options. One: we could wait it out and try to miscarry naturally. Two: I could insert 3 pills every six hours to induce the miscarriage. Three: a D&C, or dilation and curettage, in which the tissue is removed from the uterus under anesthesia. I decided to wait to miscarry naturally as I had with my first two losses. It was a "wait and see" game at this point. This was the best option given my husband had prior obligations would be leaving in two days to be gone for a week. The pills indicated horrible side effects and the D&C option required someone to drive me home from the hospital. Neither of those options would work with my husband being out of town.

When the doctor left I rushed to get dressed so I could flee as quickly as possible. I wanted to run as fast and as far away as possible. As I walked down the hallway I asked my husband to deal with the front desk. I walked right past the desk and straight to our car. My husband was met with the awkward question of needing to schedule another appointment. I sank into the driver's seat of the car and let out a bellowing cry from the pit of my stomach. My heart poured out through my eyes and my lips kept asking, "Why?" We sat in the parking lot for a long time. I proceeded to empty the sad-looking box of Kleenex that lived in my backseat. The rest of that day just seems like a blur to me. I don't remember much of what went on. I did know, however, that I still had a beautiful 4 year old to take care of at home. I have never hugged him tighter than that day. Miscarriage is not easier when you already have living children. It's actually quite the opposite. When you already know how amazing having a child is, it hurts even more. You know exactly what you're losing and it's immensely painful. We had to explain to our son that the reason we were so sad was because the baby in my belly had died. He was sad, but truthfully, we knew he didn't fully understand.

In the following days, my husband left town for a week. We had discussed him canceling his obligations at Wyoming Bible Camp, but I insisted that he still go. I knew deep down how important this was for him, as well as, an incredibly uplifting week. If there were ever a time he needed some spiritual uplifting, it was now. In my mind, there was nothing he could do at home anyways. It was just a waiting game. There was no telling how long this process was going to take since I hadn't been showing any symptoms yet. That week I spent a good 4-5 days in bed. Fortunately, my son is very self-sufficient. I had him all set up with easy snacks and food to eat and he occupied himself very well. I was in survival mode at this point. I knew I wasn't going to win mom of the year, however, my son didn't complain one bit. I explained to Micah that I was sick and very sad and just needed to stay in bed. He seemed to understand and would occasionally come and check on me. Sometimes he would even bring me water or a treat so I "wouldn't be sad anymore." He would run his little hand along my cheek and feel my forehead to see if I was "still sick." What a sweet little boy. Kids know and feel more than we think they do.

During those days while in bed I just let myself feel all of the feelings. I let myself cry. I let my heart burn. I let myself be angry. I let myself just be in the moment. I prayed. I leaned into God for comfort and strength. I asked God to help me rise above this and to accept this as part of my story. I just let myself mourn and didn't put a time limit on my grief. This was something I hadn't allowed myself to do with our first two losses. I was at work both times when I received the phone call verifying our miscarriages. I remember, both times, locking myself in the bathroom and taking the calls. I cried each time, then wiped my tears and pulled myself together. I returned to work and didn't give myself any grace. I just bucked up and carried on with my day. Why? Why hadn't I given myself permission to just feel sad? Why didn't I leave work? I didn't really handle our first two losses all that well, and now I think I know why.

After my fourth or fifth day in bed, I woke up and felt a little calmness wash over me. I knew I needed to let myself mourn. I also knew that I couldn't unpack my bags and live there. I still wasn't feeling well at all and still hadn't been showing any signs or symptoms of the impending miscarriage. I had to cancel obligations and plans because, you know, "trying to lose a baby over here." A week passed and I decided that I couldn't walk around with this cloud hanging over me anymore. I needed to get this over with. I called my doctor's office and requested that they prescribe the medication to help induce the miscarriage. I picked up the prescription and a few more snacks for my son. My doctor had also prescribed pain medication to help combat the intense pain the induction drug would cause. When I returned home I made the mistake of looking up the medication name on Google. Something you may not know about me, I don't like the unknown. I wanted to educate myself about this medication. I wanted to know what to expect and all the side effects. I wanted to know what to look for in an emergency. The first thing that pops up on my search is, "How to self-administer the abortion drug." I could have thrown up right then and there. This drug was used off label for inducing a miscarriage. I was miscarrying a baby that I wanted and the word "abortion" on my search was indicating otherwise. What have I got myself into? I wrestled all day with the things I had read. The side effects were terrifying, but the emotional and mental pain I was suffering while trying to wait this out was even worse. I waited until my husband returned home to start the pills. It was just safer this way as one of the side effects was hemorrhaging. I needed him to be here in case I needed to be rushed to the hospital. The night I decided to start the process, I picked up the bottle of pills and looked at my husband. I began to sob and told him that I didn't want to do this. I knew it's what needed to happen, but truth be told, I was scared. My husband held my hands and prayed for me. I inserted the first three pills and curled up on the couch for the night with a heating pad. It wasn't long before I felt terrible. I had intense abdominal pain that hurt when I touched my stomach. I was dry heaving and had diarrhea. My head hurt and with each episode of dry heaving, it felt like it was going to explode. All of this, and yet, I was not experiencing any cramping or spotting. I cranked up my heating pad and waited it out. I couldn't sleep because of stomach pain and all the retching. Six hours after the first dose I begrudgingly gave myself the second dose of three pills. By this time the pain had died down a bit, so I was dreading having to go through it all over again. Sure enough, I endured a second round of misery. By the next morning, I was exhausted. My husband woke and headed off to work. I gave myself a third dose of three pills and once again went through the same thing all over again. By now I had welts on my stomach from the heating pad and still was not showing any signs of miscarriage. The medication had not worked. That afternoon I called my doctor's office to find out what I needed to do next. The nurse said that it may just take one more round. My stomach dropped, but I figured that maybe one more time and this would all be over. I wanted to verify that she meant just three pills, one more time. No, she meant three pills every six hours three separate times. What? How in the world was I going to do this again? Without even thinking I told her I would give it a try and hung up. I gave my husband a call to give him an update. "No! You're not going to go through that again. I can't let you do that." He was right. I couldn't do it either. I was so terribly ill and the thought of having to endure all of that again just broke me. Fifteen minutes after I had hung up with my doctor's office I was calling them back to let them know I had changed my mind. I decided to move forward with scheduling a D&C. I had suffered long enough. My husband had suffered long enough. My son had suffered long enough and needed his parents back.

After waiting it out naturally and trying the medication and trying to get a D&C scheduled an entire month passed. An entire month and still not a sign or symptom of miscarrying. I was done. My husband was done. We were done. The day finally arrived for the D&C and I was eerily calm. I tried to not let my emotions take over. I prayed every time I felt the tears start to well up. When I thought about the D&C, yet so final, it brought a sense of relief. I was relieved to know that after all of this, we could move forward with our lives. My husband and I were left alone in the pre-op room. We reflected on the past month and we prayed together for God's hand in all of this. The nurses wheeled me back to a freezing cold surgery suite. The anesthesiologist made small talk with me before I drifted off to sleep. When I awoke in recovery a sweet nurse gently stroked my arm as I came to. I cracked open my eyes and began crying. "What's wrong, sweetie?" she asked. I struggled to get the words out, "I'm just sad. I'm really, really sad." She reached over and handed me a tissue to wipe my eyes. "I know, I'm so sorry for your loss." Those words, those simple little words. That's all she needed to say. Before I knew it there were a few nurses around me, all with tears in their eyes. I closed my eyes as I was wheeled off to a private room. After a few moments, my husband appeared. When the nurse left the room my husband leaned down to hug me. My body just shook as I started to cry. I let out everything that was left inside. It was over and was so final. Nothing could have prepared us for the pain of leaving the hospital without a baby in our arms.

Weeks passed and with time the sting hurt a little less. I still experienced days of utter defeat and heartache. I still dealt with some post-partum symptoms. Each handful of hair that would fall out in the shower left me bitter. The fading pregnancy symptoms left me empty. The residual bleeding that went on for weeks on end was a constant reminder of what was missing. Some days have been easier than others. The hospital bills started to trickle in and it was like ripping the bandage off my wounded heart. It wasn't fair to have to be paying for a baby we didn't get to keep. I still have moments where the pain creeps back in and it feels like this will never get easier. Then there are other days that I know and feel that someday I will have answers. I have a loving husband and a beautiful son that I am so very thankful for. I am blessed beyond measure and I certainly wouldn't be the person I am today without having suffered the pain of loss.

Micah asks often about his brothers and sisters in heaven. We have always been very open about our angel babies with him. He'll randomly tell me he misses his siblings and wished they would come back to life. These are such heartbreaking conversations, but I know that it's ok that he has these feelings. We make sure to talk about how he's feeling. The talks aren't long before he's back off and playing. Meanwhile, I'm left sitting with tears in my eyes and a renewed ache in my heart. It's painful to not be able to give him a sibling. I pray that God will comfort his little heart. In a way, miscarriage has made me a better mother and I will cling to my son a little tighter these days.

As for the future, I'm not sure what it will hold. I don't know if we will ever have any more children. There is no magic number when it comes to miscarriage. I know that it's a very real possibility that it could happen again and to be honest I'm not sure my heart can handle any more loss. Sometimes I ask myself, "How many times is enough?" Once was enough for me, but now that I've gone through this three times, I just can't fathom a fourth. It is with all this fear and trepidation that I give all my worries to God. None of this is up to us anyways. Only God can give me the comfort and strength I need to push forward. I hold onto knowing that someday I'll be able to see the little babies I was never able to hold on Earth.

I may never understand the purpose in this pain, but I hope with my whole heart that my story can maybe help at least one person that has suffered in silence. I'm hopeful it will help others talk about their loss and their pain. Miscarriage is a lonely, lonely world. It's a club that no one wants to belong to and where the first rule is, "Don't talk about the miscarriage". This has to change. It shouldn't be something we hide. It shouldn't be something we are ashamed of. It shouldn't be something we keep secret as not to burden others. It shouldn't be something we suffer through silently. Miscarriage is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I am hopeful we can put an end to the stigma or at least make it easier to discuss. It's hard for me to be vulnerable about my heartaches. It brings everything back up to the surface, but I feel an innate tug on my heart to share. I have prayed and prayed. God keeps nudging me to tell our story. I have cried so many times while writing this that I often wonder if this is necessary. Yes, yes it is. It is necessary to enable healing and to bring light to a very real issue that so many face. Our story is only one of so many. The heart never fully heals after facing a loss. We are left with scars that make us who we are. We are left with scars that shape our hearts and mold our lives. I am thankful for my scars. “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” Kahlil Gibran

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