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pancake-breakfast · 10 months

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Time to finish up volume 1 of TriMax!

Archive

Trigun Volume 1: Covers + 1-3, 3 Detailed Thoughts, 4, 4 DT, 5-6, 5-6 + DT, 6 DT, 7-8, 9-10

Trigun Volume 2: Covers + Extras, 1, 1 Supplemental Research, 2-4, 5-6, 7-8

TriMax Volume 1: 1-2, 2 DT, 3-4, 3 DT

Stream-of-consciousness thoughts for TriMax Vol. 1, Chapters 5-6 below.

Chapter 5: Dancing Revolver

Gods, Vash always has to do that little hip jut, doesn't he?

Eyyy, geranium scene!

It's funny because geraniums are seen as almost plain here. They get used a lot in, like, planters for strip malls and such because they're hardy, drought-resistant beasts that need very little care and grow nicely from cuttings so they're cheap AF to reproduce and spread around. (BTW, if you ever want to add some pretty geraniums you see out in public to your yard/patio/whatever, you can just "borrow" a nice stem from that plant, take it home, and probably grow it for yourself.)

Vash is a growing boy. Of course he's thinking with his stomach.

As someone who has tended to them, I can confidently say that geraniums are definitely determined....

I'm sure he's trying to look somewhat fierce here, but mostly he just looks annoyed.

Uh oh. Vash might have the attention of someone who will try to do some damage.

Yeah... don't go pointing guns at people (purposely or no) if you're all tensed up. You might make a regrettable move.

Oh, no. I remember this guy from the anime. Please send him back where he came from.

LOL, this Elena girl is abandoning her duties to check out Vash the Stampede.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, it's the Vash slaughter song!

"Won't leave a single man alive." Vash, you're so full of shit right now, it's hilarious.

Sorry, Wolfwood. Now you have to deal with Vash being dramatic and calling attention to himself.

The funniest thing about this page to me is how Vash goes from screaming, "AAAAAAAA!!!" in Japanese to screaming, "AAAAAAAAA!!!" in English.

Pretty sure he just turned into a windmill of legs and coattails.

Yeah, from what I gather, bullet-proof vests don't keep you from getting nasty bruises and broken ribs. They just keep the hot lead from entering your body and doing the kind of damage that's harder to recover from.

He's remembering this morning's training session, I see.

Hey, Vash warned them....

Did he miss, though? Did he??

LOL, yeah, he did not.

This is, like, a Vash catchphrase at this point.

Well, if he didn't have Vash's attention before, he has it now.

Chapter 6: Sin

This doesn't have anything to do with the manga; I just want to note the number of times I've tried to navigate these pages by pushing left instead of right on my keyboard ('cause that's the way you read manga) is really, really high.

The contrast between the doctor's optimism and Brad's pessimism. Also, doc's viewing glass.

Wolfwood is having WAY too much fun spectating here. He looks like he's genuinely enjoying the chaos of it all.

Even scum can beg for its life when the tables are turned. Is the regret true and will it stick, or will being allowed mercy only open the door to further atrocities down the line? Do we have the right to decide?

Vash is making a choice, and it's not a choice to do nothing.

Hehhhh, people saying, "What do you know about my pain?" to Vash. Yes, this kind of pain is unique and individual, and Vash hasn't been through anything quite like losing a daughter in such a horrific fashion (that we know of; he is quite old), but he does understand both horrific loss and unimaginable betrayal, as well as the grief, self-blame, and feelings of utter helplessness that can come in its aftermath.

Poor Vash. He looks like hell after that fight. Probably feels like it, too.

Vash gave the father time to not become a murderer, and that's the sort of thing that would be of infinite value to Vash.

This panel, though. Important character notes here. In fact, one might say the only person Vash might not see as family on this planet is his very own twin.

The doctor sure has some trust in Vash getting out of things. And... he probably knows Vash well enough to know Vash would regret if his situation caused trouble for the doc and the rest of the people on that steamer.

LOL, Wolfwood, making a dramatic entrance, ready to bust through everything with hot lead and his beloved bike. He looks like an antihero arriving to save his kidnapped woman.

Hahahahahahaha, he pretty much buried Vash in rubble with that entrance. Mmmmmaybe didn't think it all the way through....

This panel has the same energy as Wolfwood telling Vash that kicking a rocket out of the air was "fucking stupid."

Awww, Wolfie, your heart of gold is showing....

We're just gonna ignore these panels where WW warns Vash that one of these days, pushing his luck won't work and he'll have to choose. I'm sure there's no foreshadowing in that whatsoever. Nope, none at all.

Ok, I tried to ignore it, but I also want to note I think Stampede did an excellent job capturing this running theme of how Vash is walking a precarious path trying not to choose. I don't remember that theme at all in '98. (Not saying it wasn't there; just saying it doesn't stand out in my memory.) Meanwhile, it's not just core to Vash's story in Stampede, but it's core to Meryl's and Wolfwood's stories in Stampede, too, even if in theirs, it's not mentioned so explicitly by the narrative.

Goshdarn it. That stupid Hitler-moustached, too-tall bowler hat guy is still here. Yes, yes, I know he wasn't dealt with so he can't just leave. But I want him to leave because it's better than him being in the narrative.

SEE?!!? GOOD PEOPLE DON'T HAVE PEOPLE PUPPETS LIKE THAT. SEND BOWLER HAT GUY BACK!!!

Uuuuhhhhh.... Look, I get that Legato (like a good percentage of the major characters in this story) likes fetish gear, but wearing a freaking iron maiden is taking it to a whole 'nother level.

Also, is he really big, or is this new creature person very small, or is the panel just framed weird for weird perspective? Questions....

Author Bonus Chapter: Gun Love Island

SALUTATIONS!!!

If this panel is meant to be the inside of Nightow's brain, it's a... very busy place. I do have a special appreciation for the dragon dissolving into a single sexy fishnet leg.

Oh, so the '98 anime had already started by the time this collection came out.

"First half of the story." LOL, half. Lies. But this might be a bit of a translation error. I've seen it elsewhere. Seems like (and I could be wrong here since I'm not a Japanese language expert by any means) the Japanese terms for parts of things don't necessarily mean equal parts like they do in English. To clarify, in English, if we say "a third," we mean 1/3 + 1/3 + 1/3 = 1, but the Japanese term that usually gets translated into 1/3 (三分; literally "three parts") can also mean 1/3 + 1/2 + 1/6 = 1. It's still referring to one part of three out of the whole, but that part is not necessarily equal to the other parts. Then again, the characters usually used for "half" are 半分 rather than 二分, and to the best of my knowledge, 半 does indeed mean equal halves, so maybe I'm wrong in this instance. I don't know, I'm not reading this in Japanese and I've only studied the language for like 3 years, which is nothing for Japanese.

Hahahahaha, sounds like Trigun is a bit of a case of the story running away with the author. It happens sometimes.

I'm also happy that people like Nightow's characters. Thank you very much.

#thank you all the manga readers who've come before me for keeping this manga going long enough to reach its conclusion #and eventually make its way back to me #trigun maximum #volume 1 #trigunbookclub #pancake thoughts

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queen-beefcake-sqx · 2 years

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I’m going to regret this I’m sure but....

tl;dr - TGCF shouldn’t be read as a character-driven novel, but as a situational story akin to a fairytale or parable.

Before you read this: I have an awful memory and may have totally misremembered something. This is also almost all stream of consciousness, however much I tried to format it. Please take this take with a grain of salt and be aware I am totally speaking from my own perspective on this story.

Okay I wasn’t going to drop my two cents but I’m dropping my two cents on TGCF’s narrative because I think better when I verbalize my thoughts and I don’t see a lot of people talking about TGCF from this angle so here we go: (spoilers for the entirety of TGCF btw)

A bit of background on me - I’m a Literary Arts major who did a Choose Your Own Adventure thesis, and I like making narrative-heavy games in my free time. Narrative flow and narrative structure is something I think about a lot.

I’ve been seeing a lot of criticism of TGCF as a story, which I get if you’re reading it expecting a typical novel narrative flow. There’s a lot of gaps in information in TGCF, and the characters are definitely flatter than other novels because of it. Many of the conflicts we encounter in TGCF are in media res - problems that began before Xie Lian’s third ascension - and MXTX gives us very little to work with as far as characterization until we get the first flashback scenes in Book 2. Even then, we have a lot of telling instead of showing that happens in regards to side characters and their backstories during these conflicts.

TGCF is a disappointing novel if you’re expecting something character-driven. That is not something it is successful at. The reason I think TGCF fanfiction is so appealing is because there’s a lot of blank space to flesh out and play in. That said, I think it’s unfair to say it’s a bad story purely because the characters are flat. Because TGCF isn’t a story about characters. It is a story about situations. It’s a fairytale, a parable, a warning about idol worship and devotion. And from that angle it’s VERY successful in my opinion.

Fairytales set up situations that must be overcome, with the main character having the perfect traits (or perfect companions) to leap that hurdle (or not). Cinderella has a fairy godmother who grants her the ability to meet the prince, as long as Cinderella continues to be pure and virtuous and punctual. Anansi the Spider is greedy, hoarding his wisdom in a clay pot, until his witty son proves Anansi isn’t the only one with good ideas. The boy who cried wolf is childish and playful, leaving himself vulnerable when his cries are no longer a joke.

These characters are all very flat, but their situations serve a purpose still. They’re lessons. Cinderella teaches a lesson on how the virtuous can come from even the lowest backgrounds. Anansi the Spider teaches us that there’s a little wisdom in everyone. The boy who cried wolf teaches us that constantly lying is a really, really bad idea. Their stories are successful in setting up a situation that we can apply to our everyday lives that helps us guide our morality.

So what’s TGCF teaching us, then? Well, a couple of things, but there’s a few big ones I’d like to focus on —

First, Xie Lian’s entire story is a cautionary tale about idol worship and human suffering. We are witnessing the third ascension of a once beloved god who is now considered a god of misfortune - how did this happen? He was considered so virtuous and unable to do any wrong to the point that when he is unable to accomplish something or refuses to act in a way that compromises his morals, his people turn on him. People only see the god, forgetting he was once mortal.

Books Two and Four encapsulate Xie Lian’s biggest lesson - that no one person can hope to end all suffering, even a god, and that putting a person on a pedestal places unachievable expectations upon them.

The rest of the books deal with two different but tangential lessons — devotion means seeing the best in people, regardless of their flaws; devotion also means inevitable destruction when you are not valued to the same degree.

Consider arguably the most famous quote from this whole book — “To me, the one basking in infinite glory is you. The one fallen from grace is also you. What matters is you, and not the state of you.” What matters most is not the person you are in fringe cases of duress or adulation, but the person you are most consistently in the moments in between.

Book Three is a textbook gauntlet of moments like this. Each situation we are presented with are meant to be foils to Xie Lian and Hua Cheng’s relationship: Shi Qingxuan, Quan Yizhen, and Bai Jing each trust someone dear to them (Shi Wudu/”Ming Yi”, Yin Yu, and Ling Wen respectively) who betray them in some way, and yet they remain incredibly devoted to their person. These stories show the way devotion can destroy a person, and yet those destroyed continue to believe the best in the one they idolized, for better or for worse. (We could spend all day discussing my emotions about all of these relationships because oh my god each one is really its own cautionary tale.)

(Also, we’re ignoring Feng Xin and Jian Lan for now - I don’t remember their narrative well enough to loop it into this analysis at the moment, and I just got home from work. I’ll revise this later).

Hell, while I’m here - that moment in Book 4 where Xie Lian is speaking with ghost fire Hua Cheng? The “I’ll never let them know I’m still here” conversation? That’s also a great moment emphasizing that Hua Cheng is aware of these lessons more than anyone else — Hua Cheng is aware of what devotion does to a person, how destructive it can be, and refuses to let Xie Lian carry the burden of knowing what Hua Cheng has done for him.

It’s obvious that Yin Yu carries grief for what he did to Quan Yizhen, and even Ling Wen gets her little moment of subtly implying remorse for her actions (“Let it go, your highness” fucking kills me every time). We never see He Xuan following the Black Water arc, but it’s easy to infer he’s the one who delivers the wind master fan back to Shi Qingxuan as his own way of showing remorse for what happened. (On top of a lot of good meta that has already been written about how much crueler He Xuan could have been to Shi Qinguxan). Hua Cheng refuses to do that to Xie Lian, who has already shouldered innumerable grief for his former failures — grief that Hua Cheng has had a front row seat for.

What sets Hualian apart is that Xie Lian never saw Hua Cheng as a stepping stone to his goals, regardless of form. The ways that Hua Cheng is destroyed are of his own volition, willing sacrifices on Xie Lian’s behalf. Which in my opinion all makes sense when you consider that Hua Cheng is an orphan who never had ANYONE else care about him, as far as we can see. His fall from the wall can easily be read as a suicide attempt — he is already ready to throw his life away before meeting Xie Lian, and suddenly here is this person who offers him kindness and a purpose. And Hua Cheng takes that purpose to its logical conclusion, giving his life over and over and over again. It is only at the end when Xie Lian returns his love and devotion that his sacrifices can finally stop.

(also, re: Hua Cheng being a total cunt - to me, it’s the most obvious thing in the world for him to be cruel to the people he is cruel to, and one day I’ll reread the novels fully with that take in mind and explain to everyone exactly why. Additionally, I don’t think any of the lessons being put forth by the novel are “Only good people deserve good things” and I think that’s wildly antithetical to the above point of “Don’t put people on pedestals”. Like this novel is about human failings, despite being focused on “gods”, and part of that is that even people with flaws deserve kindness.)

Look, this is already too long and rambling, and I don’t have the energy to pull out the book right now and get sources for the kind of in-depth character analysis I’d like to do (especially for Hua Cheng, who I know complicates a lot of the morality in the novel, I know). And to be clear — I’m not faulting anyone for disliking TGCF at all. I fully expect there’s a lot of people who won’t agree with this meta at all.

But please, consider — How many of you were the golden child growing up whose parents were disappointed when you started slipping later in life? How many of you have said something that has irreparably ruined a relationship, despite otherwise being a good friend/partner? How many of you have tried to fix a problem only to make it worse?

I was not pulled into TGCF because of the characters. I was pulled in by the scenario the story set up, and as I read I stayed invested because the situations the characters continued to find themselves in mirrored problems I’d witnessed in real life. I’ve never seen the fall of a god, but I’ve witnessed beloved friends ostracized from friend groups for failing to take the “right” side. I’ve seen the disappointment on people’s faces when I acted less than virtuously, when I was petty or lazy. I’ve seen small problems spiral among the rumor mill and had my name caught up in them when I’ve tried to set the record straight. TGCF gives me several easily imprintable characters for living through a world where those moments turned out better, eventually — where maybe I or my friends could have had a happy ending.

And to me? That makes an amazing story.

#shut up sadie #sadie writes analysis #tgcf #tian guan ci fu #I am shaking because I haven't eaten in several hours but I had to hammer this out to be free of my hyperfixation #heaven official's blessing

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monstercollection · 2 years

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Finally back to making progress on the Literary Tarot Deck Challenge.

For anyone new to my tumblr, the Brink Literacy Project created a tarot deck with cards based on works of classic literature. Each card was selected by a contemporary author or comics/graphic novel illustrator who also helped write the guide to interpreting that card.

The challenge I’ve set for myself is to read each classic work and one thing by every author/illustrator. Including the fan-picked alternative cards, that comes out to 162 books.

I just finished The Witch King by H. E. Edgmon. It’s a queer YA urban fantasy novel about a trans witch named Wyatt who is pulled back into the magical world he tried to escape. As a child, he was betrothed to the crown prince of the Fae who wants the marriage to go forward for the sake of the kingdom and his own heart.

The book deals with some pretty heavy content and Edgmon who is himself transmasc admits in the forward that it’s very much a vehicle for processing his trauma. But it’s also a love letter to queer identities in every combination.

The book’s cast also includes a bisexual ace Indigenous teen who identifies with womanhood and matriarchy but rejects European society’s construction of those two things. There is a non-binary lesbian freedom fighter witch. I also think there is also a solid case to be made that Prince Emyr’s soulmate bond with Wyatt is a a flavor of demisexuality but it’s not ever explicitly described as such.

Wyatt’s experience as a trans man is also different from the most commonly pushed narrative of a person “born in the wrong body.” I think it’s extremely important to have the representation of a variety of trans experiences, especially when drawn from the personal experience of that author.

Style wise, the writing reminds me of the Percy Jackson books, but with a more chaotic stream-of-consciousness, lots of memes, Gay Culture and teenage horniness.

I don’t think Edgmon always manages to pull off first-person present tense style well. The plot is rushed and we are constantly bombarded with one chaotic situation after another, and many times they don’t feel linked by cause and effect in a way that would be natural.

At the same time, this is Edgmon’s first book, and it’s level of dedication to portraying queerness in all it’s messiness and beauty is something you just don’t find in other books. He treats each character’s experience of identity and sexuality and something unique to them. He’s committed to the idea that there is no one way to construct gender and no boxes to limit sexuality. This is a book I desperately wish I’d had 15 years ago.

Edgmon does begin the book with a pretty thorough content warning and I want to include it here so people are aware without buying the book. There are instances of sexual harassment of a minor and one assault scene that is not graphic but it’s there. There is also a character who attempts to use his psychic powers to groom a minor. Bodily autonomy is a major theme and especially with the state of things in the US being what they are, this may hit close to home for some folks.

Again, Edgmon says right up front some of this book is rooted in his personal trauma but there is also a strong sense of the empowerment of that comes from reclaiming your pain. There is also an element of revenge fantasy that feels satisfying. If you’re the type of person who finds yourself joking about your own trauma as a way of coping, you’re going to relate to Wyatt.

I do plan to eventually read the sequel— The Fae Keeper— at some point. For all it’s flaws, I liked The Witch King enough that I’m willing to see if Edgmon grew as a writer between the two. If he didn’t, it’s a fast enough read that I won’t mind. I still want to know what happens next and spend more time with these supernatural disaster queers and their world.

If you like the “fated soulmate” trope and are down for a friends-to-lovers-to-enemies-to-lovers-again romance, I honestly think it’s worth the read. If you’ve got an LGBTQAI+ teen in your life that could use a book that they can see themselves in, I recommend it for them too.

This puts me at 46/162 books. I’m not sure what I’m doing next. I know I was supposed to tackle Whitman but am trying to keep up with my book club, Dracula Daily, and finish the Daevabad Trilogy so I may just try to knock some easy reads and short stories off the list.

#literary tarot challenge #brink literacy project #literary tarot #tarot #the witch king #h. e. Edgmon #queer fiction #queer lit #YA #diverse books #lgbtq+ literature #queer books #trans protagonist #wyatt Croft #Emyr North

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ikatako38 · 1 year

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TPWCH Fun Sad Facts Day 45

CW: Discussion of Eating Disorders

In case you needed another reason to hate Orlando, here you go.

Those of you who are in the know about the fic may have picked up on the vibe that Orlando

Oh my cod, stream-of-consciousness time… I’m now questioning whether I may have names him Orlando because of subconscious association with Florida and all the “Don’t Say Gay” stuff happening over there… Orlando is pretty much the “Don’t Say Gay” bill personified…

Uhhh… you may have picked up on the vibe that Orlando is very big on keeping up outward appearances and reputation. Part of this is the hard line he takes on assimilation and stamping out Three’s cultural heritage. Another part is maintaining the appearance of wealth.

Three’s family often struggled to find the money for food, but it didn’t have to be that way. Orlando would often overspend on things like cars, their apartment, and clothes to show off, usually without warning, leaving Three and Isabel to scrounge up money the best they could for food and gas. Orlando also forbade Isabel from working outside the home, which didn’t help either.

Three began showing signs of eating disorder behavior around 13, and while the scarcity of food in their household wasn’t likely the main reason for this, it definitely made it worse. The symptoms only increased after he was outed to his school and later his parents.

Ultimately, the only way Three is convinced to go to parties with Lyle and meet his friends is the promise of a food binge, which he doesn’t have access to at home, and Orlando encourages him because he thinks going to parties will make Three popular. When Three tries to tell Lyle about how they struggle to have enough food, Lyle doesn’t understand at first and, having seen the expensive car Three arrived in, assumes he’s just lying to appear humble. Once he learns the truth, he starts bringing Three lunch at school every day. Three’s disordered eating finally starts to balance out with the food and support provided by Lyle, but it isn’t cured, and Three still deals with the effects of it as of TPWCH.

#this place we called home #tpwch fun facts #eating disorder #cw: eating disorder #tw: eating disorder

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thefossilwhale · 3 years

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i filled out this super cool button character profile by @extraordinarymage for sabrina! thank you for making this, it was a lot of fun to fill out <3 the bulk of it is under a cut and oh boy is it long !!!

Short, Quick Reference

Name: Sabrina Wiseman

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: Bisexual

Love Interest: Kent

Main personality trait: Confidence

Secondary personality trait: Morbidity

Relationship with Nick: Full of love, haunted by unaddressed guilt and frustration. But mostly full of love.

Nickname for Nick: Saint Nick (used sparingly)

Resentful or accepting?: Slightly resentful

Main strategy (interpersonal, insightful, innovative?): Insightful

Ethical or expedient?: Expedient

GENERAL

Name: Sabrina Larkspur Wiseman

Nickname(s): Sab, used by anyone; Sabby, only Nick and Sally; and, of course, Button for Nick.

Birthday: I think I made her an October Libra for the purpose of a template I did months ago, but I’m not sure! No concrete birthday yet, I’m always very slow to nail down details like this.

Age: 20

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: Bisexual

Hair color + style: Blonde. A little past shoulder length, sometimes wavy. Usually a middle part. For Aeon, tied back in a bun.

Eye color: Blue, entirely because of the section of Frank O’Hara’s “Meditations in an Emergency” that goes, “My eyes are vague blue, like the sky...”

Height: 5′5

Piercings: Multiple in each ear, but a couple have started to close.

Tattoos: None yet! Sab likes the idea of a tattoo but is worried about finding the perfect design, whether she’d end up hating it, that the pain might be greater than she expects and she’ll look like a baby in front of her tattoo artist. I’d like to think she eventually consults Sally and/or Glitch to come up with an idea that she falls in love with, but I haven’t come up with what that would be!

Clothing style: Mostly solid colors, not a lot of patterns. Nothing super bright, but a fairly varied mix of pastels, neutrals, dark colors, black. Partial to denim skirts and sweater tops. Ankle boots. Likes a good turtleneck. She’s bolder when it comes to formal wear, and especially loves suits. Big fan of silk and satin.

Since she has a pretty accurate face claim, I’ll link some gifsets I’ve rb’d for appearance ref if you are so inclined.

STATS

I’m always adjusting minor things and swapping scenes around, but these are from my most recent Sab run! Most scores hover somewhere around these values.

Personality:

Confidence: 53%

Humor: 5%

Morbidity: 22%

Resentful: 57% | Accepting: 43%

Strategy:

Interpersonal: 12%

Insightful: 50%

Innovative: 10%

Ethical: 43% | Expedient: 57%

KEY DECISIONS:

What is Nick’s nickname and why?: Saint Nick, used very rarely. It’s a joking reference to the time she thought Santa was an evil Ment out to ruin Christmas, and a point about Nick overdoing it with the cheer. “Saint Nick” is usually code for “I know you mean well, but please mind your own business.” Otherwise, she just calls him Nick.

What is their favorite type of cookie (and its name and why?): Salted caramel chocolate chip! No special name.

What was their initial reaction to Sally hugging them, as kids?: She just froze. That could just be me projecting adult Sabrina onto her childhood self; I don’t imagine that she was as uncomfortable around strangers or quite as cautious back then. But that’s what I’ll stick with.

How did they ace the ASE test?: The in-game option she takes is “My entire life has revolved around strategic avoidance,” but the one about being just plain smart also sounds like her. If Sab has the chance to thoroughly (over)prepare for something, she will do it. Her mind blindness also has her constantly (over)analyzing situations. So, hard work and relentless anxiety!

Did they manage to win their first assignment? How?: Yes, by having Sally block the door. I’ve headcanoned some slight differences in how it plays out, which I wrote about in-depth here. To summarize, Sab thinks of blocking the door as a desperate last resort, not a clever loophole, and she pushes back against Rosy’s praise because she wishes she could have done it the “real” way. Rosy goes from being impressed to being annoyed that she’s willfully missing the point.

What was the primary emotion Button felt during the Aeon bombing (love, gratitude, etc?): Guilt. She feels very guilty about how much Nick has given up for her in general, but I think that in the moment, it’s on a smaller scale. The fact that Nick was on the phone with her when it happened, coming to her rescue like always, becomes emblematic of their whole relationship for her, and she really fixates on that.

Who drove them home from the hospital from and why?: Glitch. Sab responds to her initial text with “Are you sure?”, and is relieved when Glitch takes that as “Yes, please.” She doesn’t relish the idea of being around someone more connected to her family or Nick at that point.

How do they feel about Nick riding around in their mind?: Worried, at first. Just because it’s so unknown and absolutely insane. After seeing Doctor Amari, she’s excited! Sab is thrilled to be a Pollard Five and intends to take full advantage of it. I am not looking forward to seeing how she reacts when that’s taken away from her.

Why did Button agree to do the undercover mission?: To prove she still deserves to be an MIV. Sabrina feels stupid and reckless for putting herself, Nick, and Aeon in this position, but she knows she’s smart, and she hasn’t worked this hard for nothing. She wants to prove what she could do with a normal Pollard Score and make herself too valuable to give up even when she’s back to Zero.

Told Glitch about your mind blindness?: Depends on the playthrough. I’m constantly going back and forth on whether Sab meets Glitch for coffee or wanders the city with Nick in her second chapter 5 slot (after trying to track down Kent). If she does meet Glitch, though, she absolutely tells her; with how touchy Sab is about privacy, she couldn’t stomach not warning Glitch that Nick could hear everything they said.

Figured out K’s secret?: Nope. She finds enough of the clues to be given the “I knew it!” option in-game, but she didn’t actually put it together. Sab is too angry and embarrassed by learning that Kent is an AMO to find any reason to interrogate it. “The random guy I met before school just happens to be a jerk” is a perfectly sound explanation to her.

Found Noh’s clues?: Not at the metro station. Sometimes she sees the Vengeance brooms in chapter 5 (again, depending on the playthrough), but that’s it.

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP:

Love Interest: Kent

Why them?: Sab feels an immediate kinship with Kent after learning about the NPO program. It’s kind of funny how quickly he moves from the least sympathetic position in her eyes (Ment who got past me and read my mind without my knowledge) to the most sympathetic (non-powered child of a prominent family aiming a league above where he “belongs”). A lot of new respect for his competence. Her fate is sealed when she realizes that his kindness at the hospital wasn’t him trying to make up for some wrongdoing, but just him being very sweet. (She had scoffed over “You needed help.” But now she’s like, “Oh. He meant that?! Fuck.”)

As they spend more time together, Sab realizes how weirdly similar they are in other ways, too. And she starts to feel safe/secure around him in a way that she’s extremely not used to. Growing up surrounded by Ments, Sab has a lot of issues about being too much, too difficult, needing to “be worthy” of love. So someone like Kent who is not a Ment, who has no “obligation” to care about her, and whose judgement she trusts implicitly? Being around him and being loved by him mean a lot, and I think will go a long way towards helping her reflect on her other relationships!

What are their first impressions of each other?: Okay, there are like 3 first impressions with Kent. First: he’s tall and handsome and secretly adorable, and they have similar career goals, so she’s drafting a five-month plan to woo him and get his number. Second: he’s a lying, self-obsessed loser who owes her many explanations. Third: oh no, the first impression was true! And he’s been continually, selflessly kind to her in spite of her overt hostility. Scratch the five-month plan, because the crush was only fun when it was entirely superficial; now she really, really likes him and that just sucks.

We know that Button makes a good impression on K by stopping for their dogs, but apart from that... I mean, the “we confused each other” from chapter 7 is very apt. Sab has lots of shifting personas, and Kent sees pretty much every one within 24 hours. The prevailing impression before everything gets cleared up is probably just that she cares a lot? About everything? Her stopping for the dogs, how seriously she takes the first assignment, the way she seems so deeply affected by something he said or did that morning. It’s a rare side of her to meet first because she usually pretends to be above everything.

What feature does your Button find most attractive in their RO (ex. appearance, personality, etc.)?: Probably his composure. And his... steadfastness? The way he seems unruffled by anything, his soothing presence. She really admires that about him and finds the calm contagious.

What do they do to spend time together?: Going on drives together! Kent driving while Sab plays songs she thinks he’ll like, talking or not talking. Cuddling on the couch while reading their own separate books. Museum dates. Walking the dogs together.

Do they argue? How do they handle arguments and disagreements? How do they make up?: I imagine that the first month or so of their relationship would be difficult, just because they’re both bad at expressing themselves and not used to relying on other people. Kent kind of negates a lot of Sab’s impulses to get defensive or hostile, so instead of arguments, I think there are more likely to be awkward periods where she’s just stewing in something without addressing it. Most of their fights would be, like, one of them becoming really distant for a concerning number of days until the other tries to awkwardly check in on them.

What does their future look like?: Uhh some random lore: I think eventually they do get married, despite neither of them caring that much about it. Sabrina would be excited to have something to plan, and she knows it would make the people around her happy. They have a long engagement; there’s never really an “official” proposal, just an acknowledgement that yeah, they’ll get married one day, and then eventually they get rings. The engagement is almost Sab’s favorite part, honestly. She likes planning and showing off her ring and calling Kent her fiancé, a lot of fanfare on her part for a wedding that ends up being very modest and chill.

OTHER RELATIONSHIPS (Feel free to go in depth!)

Relationship with Nick: When I first started developing Sab, I thought that with as difficult/prickly as she can be, her relationship with Nick would be worse than it is. Never bad, but certainly strained, with more jealousy/resentment on her side. However, she rejected this. She is resentful, but never towards Nick—she internalizes the negative parts of their relationship so they manifest as guilt instead. And that’s the problem, not resentment. Sab thinks he’s overprotective, but that doesn’t make her angry; it just makes her sad. She wishes things were different and he didn’t feel so responsible for her, but she also doesn’t know how she could manage without him taking on so many of her burdens. So, guilt! So much love, but always looming guilt.

Having Nick in her head has helped. It’s added a new kind of guilt (“I’m a horrible person for being so giddy that people can’t hear my thoughts even though that requires my brother to be in a coma”), but getting inside Nick’s head for once and really feeling his love for her changes things. Makes her feel way more secure, I guess? It’s easier to see her brother as human person, a friend who loves her, rather than a perfect selfless paragon who sacrificed everything to raise her, which is an important shift.

There are also Things happening with self-presentation in the fact that they’re both models, and flirts, and pretend to be shallow. And the ways that they’ve responded to vastly different expectations. And selflessness versus selfishness. But I have no idea how to talk about that yet.

Relationship with Father: Strained and distant. Sabrina doesn’t necessarily blame him for leaving, but she hates how he’s handled it. She’s incredibly frustrated that John insists on keeping them in this miserable limbo of uncomfortable visits, even though moving away was (to her) a tacit acknowledgement that she and her parents are better off without each other. He’s trying to force a relationship that Sab thinks is ultimately harmful for everyone involved. For Nick’s sake, she’s willing to grin and bear the visits, but it never works because John can obviously tell it’s an act. He pushes her, she gets defensive, and so on to infinity.

Relationship with Mother: Like with John, Sab doesn’t resent Hope for the incident itself, or for leaving afterward. It was terrifying, and the idea of being around Hope makes her panic—but she thinks of that as just another irrational anxiety symptom, and she’s trying to work through it. What she does resent Hope for is letting it get to that point at all. Sab is incredibly bitter that Hope will suffer silently to the point of almost killing her (during the incident) and potentially herself (with the BRS), while Sab has no choice but to be completely open. Especially because they’re so similar in that way—she’s almost jealous. “Oh, so your silence is allowed to almost kill me and it’s ‘nobody’s fault’ but I can’t pretend to enjoy a single lunch with Dad without him calling me out for lying?”

And even though she doesn’t hold the incident itself against her, Sab is very hung up on “Why are you never quiet? Why are you always there?” She knows, on some level, that this was not a Personal Judgement against her. But because Hope keeps so much quiet, this is the only honest expression of her mother’s feelings that she can remember! It would take a lot for Sab to believe that Hope was really, genuinely interested in reconnecting with her, rather than just pretending to love her "enough” this time because to do otherwise would reflect poorly on Hope as a mother.

Relationship with Sally: Besties <3 Sally is the only member of the Wiseman inner circle that Sab doesn’t have complicated feelings about. They both have hidden morbid streaks that they bring out in each other, and can laugh about. They both have competitive streaks that work well together because they’re always on the same team. And their wants/needs from the relationship complement each other well, I think. Sally has always felt valued because she’s useful and not because she’s loved, while Sab has always felt smothered by love/care without feeling like she genuinely adds value to other people’s lives. So it means a lot to both of them that they’re able to help each other practically, while also genuinely loving and supporting each other outside of that.

Relationship with Gray: Full of trust and genuine care, but predicated on distance. Sab loves him a lot for being so careful not to cross any boundaries, physical or emotional, with her. She’s grateful that he’s there for Nick in a way that she doesn’t feel she can be. But "I like Gray because he doesn’t push me and is good to Nick” means that any hand he extend makes her defensive, because she’ll either view him as an emissary of Nick or start to panic because their normal routine is being disrupted (she doesn’t tell him about Hope in ch 3, for example).

They get along very well in a friend-of-a-friend sort of way, and bond over being cautious counterparts to Nick. Also, Sab never had a crush on Gray, but she is not immune to tall superhero and thinks it’s fun to fake flirt with him. (You know Isabela’s “You have pretty eyes” routine from DA2? Sab does that to Gray when conversations steer towards things she’d rather not talk about.)

Relationship with Glitch: I’m really excited about these two! They click from the start, and Sabrina feels immediately comfortable around Glitch, which makes her feel distinctly uncomfortable whenever she catches herself. Externally, they have pretty different personalities, but they’re both perceptive and... socially manipulative? aware of their self-presentation?... in ways that they both pick up on right away. So it’s a lot of conversational maneuvering and trying to figure out what the other’s game is, while also genuinely enjoying each other’s company.

Relationship with Kent/Kenna: I could go truly insane here. See the romance section above instead.

Relationship with Kim: Sab wants him to like her sooooo bad. He’s one of the only people to ever really get through to her, re: my headcanon conversation after the first assignment. Authority figures tend to treat her as special, whether that’s negatively because of her mind blindness or positively because she’s such an overachiever. She had no idea how to respond to that not being the case (and didn’t handle it well at first), but chapter 6 solidifies her respect for him.

It also turns Rosy’s opinion of Sab around; he was impressed by her in class but left his office thinking she was self-absorbed and naive. But the bombing is a reality check, and her response is very measured and practical in a way that surprises him.

Relationship with Lev: She doesn’t mind the comparisons to Nick or the “maybe one day they’ll fix you” comments as much as you might think. They aren’t her favorite, but she prefers that sort of thing to the inspirational platitudes belied by coddling that she got from her family growing up. Sab has fond memories of Lev and is grateful that he’s always been kind to her, but doesn’t have any particular feelings apart from that.

Relationship with Clarence: Holds a grudge against him for causing a scene, making her late, and generally being a jerk. But she can’t fault him for being right, after what happened! Mostly she just wants to avoid him, but she’ll be thrilled to lord her success over him if/when she proves herself.

Relationship with Dean Branham: Like Rosy, another authority figure that Sab desperately wants to impress. But without the personal investment she has in Rosy’s validation, more “Oh, this person is in charge, so I should make her like me!” Despite Nick’s and Rosy’s reservations, Sabrina doesn’t really have a problem with being “strongarmed” or manipulated into cooperating; for now, she figures Branham was just doing her job and respects her tactics.

Relationship/attitude towards Ments in general: Mostly just uncomfortable and wary around them. Sab doesn’t want her mind read, and she figures that no Ment wants to be forced to read it either. So she has a pretty strict “no Ments” rule for close personal relationships (excluding Nick, Sally, and Gray, of course. But only Nick really counts because he’s the only one who can hear her thoughts whenever she’s nearby). Not out of hatred or resentment, just because she knows it will be easier for everyone in the long run.

Do they have any other important relationships, past or present? (Relatives, friends, etc.?): Not many, but yes! Sab dated around a lot in the 2 years before Aeon (more like year and a half, because she completely shut it down once she was more focused on preparing for the MIV program), but there are 2 relationships that were formative/important for her. A high school sweetheart, and someone Sab met through modeling. She doesn’t keep up with her high school ex, but the model is her best friend outside of Sally and Nick, and they still keep in touch! I’m still developing them/the relationships, and I’ll probably post more about them someday. They’re fun!

PERSONAL BIO

Describe their personality: Confusing and contradictory. She has two main modes that confuse people who meet both (e.g., Kent). She’s either cold, stuck-up, and sometimes hostile, OR she’s charming, frivolous, and sometimes flirty. Mode 1 is tense but stoic and inexpressive; mode 2 is seemingly relaxed but very posed and insincere. Mode 1 is for when she feels uncertain or has no agenda apart from “get to point B”; mode 2 is for when she’s more comfortable or trying to manipulate someone. Her actual personality is a bit closer to the second, but she doesn’t pretend not take things seriously or hide when she’s annoyed.

Strengths: Analytical, methodical, detail-oriented. Very driven and hardworking. May not always act like it, but does have social skills/charisma; a great liar, if you can’t read her mind. Unfailingly loyal and loving to her favorite people, so so so warm and affectionate and supportive if she really loves you. Very perceptive.

Weaknesses: Way too proud. Can be petty and vindictive. Self-absorbed (she doesn’t mean anything by it, but it’s hard for her to see past herself sometimes). Stubborn, hates being wrong. And... emotional isn’t the word, but strong negative emotions can really cloud her judgement. It ties into her being proud, petty, and stubborn; if she’s really upset about something, she can cling to that emotion instead of re-evaluating it or moving forward.

Phobias: From this ask about the phobias that are planned to show up in-game, there are a few that I could see fitting Sab, but I want to wait to see how they’re implemented before I fully commit. Which is very metagame-y, I know (and I am very metagame-y about IF), but “fear of X” is so broad that it really does depend on when/how it manifests in the text.

That being said, agoraphobia is almost a lock; crowds do make Sab very anxious if she can’t keep track of everyone within a certain distance, and if she can’t leave when she starts feeling antsy. Claustrophobia is a maybe. The choice that triggers it (in chapter 4, about hating MRI machines) suits Sab, but I’m not sure if she hates MRI machines because she hates tight spaces, or if it’s more related to her general anxiety about hospitals, medical tests, etc. Which she definitely has!

What activities/club did they do in school?: She avoided anything group-oriented as far as possible. She took piano (maybe violin?) lessons and did recitals, but wasn’t in orchestra. The one exception was maybe National Honor Society or some equivalent, which she would have joined for her resume’s sake. And I think she would have tutored!

Where do they escape to when they need space?: A little used library corner, where she can people watch without being seen/heard.

How do they feel about/cope with their mind blindness?: Sab hates it but tries not to dwell on it. She knows that it’s no one’s fault, and she mainly just tries to... minimize it? Drown out her thoughts, limit her contact with Ments. And, least healthily, very rigidly managing herself. Because there’s so much of her that exists outside of herself, without her control, she tries to either filter or completely suppress everything else. Part of why she got into modeling, she can perform and be perfect and have total control over the final product of her body in the photographs for whatever campaign. Some Day This Will Be Better. But definitely not where she is in current canon.

How has your Button changed since the Incident with Hope?: Developed many new anxieties and disorders and syndromes :) She also became way more self-conscious, as in literally conscious of and way more tightly monitoring herself, what she’s thinking, what she’s expressing, how she’s sitting, etc. Less emotive face, more rigid posture.

If they weren’t an Aeon student, what would they be doing?: Sab would have beaten herself up forever if she “proved everyone right” by avoiding Unity/Ments entirely, so she’d want to stay in the family business somehow. She probably would have ended up doing scientific research on mental agility. Maybe even working for Mirrortech or some other biotech company, which I imagine would have been an interesting conversation to have with the family.

RANDOM FACTS:

Zodiac sign: Like I said, I assigned her Libra months ago for the sake of a template. But I don’t know enough about astrology to commit. Libra or Leo, probably.

Hobbies: Music, reading poetry, “cooking” (i.e., sitting on the counter and not helping while Nick makes dinner)

Likes: Watching other people (Nick) play video games, dressing up, taking long showers/baths, dark chocolate with caramel, back hugs

Dislikes: Being patronized, hot weather, going to the doctor, driving, doing anything she is not good at

Type of bedsheets: Bamboo.

Drink of choice: Cucumber mint lemonade! For hot drinks, some kind of caramel coffee. For alcohol, she refuses to get drunk because she’s terrified of having even less control of her mental broadcast, but at home/around people she trusts she’ll have a glass or two of wine. Doesn’t know enough to be picky, but doesn’t like it too sweet.

Favorite food: Probably some pasta dish Nick makes with asparagus and tomatoes and a lot of garlic.

Favorite color: Like a light turquoise!

Favorite music: Music to her was another mind-shielding tactic before anything else, so she tends to like upbeat-ish electronic/pop stuff. Catchy and repetitive, and/or with lots of personality to drown out her own thoughts. On the other end of the spectrum, she does have a soft spot for crackly, lo-fi, old or old-sounding slow songs—something about fuzzy recordings simulating a weak telepathic signal.

Favorite season: Hmm, spring and autumn are both good. She likes either side of winter.

Anything else you’d like to share: My heart and a long, fulfilling marriage, with anyone who reads all this 💍

#wow this is so long. insanity luv lit ral insanity #this was super helpful for articulating certain things about sab's character so it's already done its job #pls do not feel pressured to read Thousands of words about sabrina my beloved. but if you read all or even some of this <333 a kiss for you #why am i embarrassed to overshare about my own ocs on my own blog. i live here #oc: sabrina wiseman #also this was very much a stream of consciousness deal but i tried to go back and make it comprehensible. good luck all ye who enter here

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earthlyyan · 3 years

Text

Taming a Cicin (Platonic!Yan! Albedo x Cicin Mage!Reader)

Sorry if Albedo is OOC here, I haven’t written him before and he’s quite a challenge as I have come to realize.

Warnings: Human Experimentation, taking advantage of amnesia? Drugging. Violence, Needles.

________________________________________________________________

Hot, searing, pain.

Arms outstretched and bound to the table, you waited for the man to return.

‘Patrol the Liyue-Dragonspine boarder’ they said, ‘it would be easy’ they said.

You had finally grown powerful enough as a Cicin to be trusted with tasks outside of Snezhnaya, and of course you had to be compromised on your first mission outside of your home. You had finally grown useful enough to be placed elsewhere, and they were expecting results. Too bad you were too incompetent to actually complete the job.

Something in the bindings were preventing you from being able to use your abilities. Your delusion had been removed when you lost consciousness. And when you awoke, you were burning. Something foreign was pumping through your body, significantly weakening you. The side effect seemed to be intense pain. Or it could be the other way around, who knows what the man was up to.

You’d seen the man before you were knocked out. He humored you with a fight, but you were easily disarmed and defeated.

His clothing seemed to be that of Mondstadtian origin. Light and flowy, like the anemo god protecting their city. It’s safe to assume he is a knight of Favonius.

“Ah, you’re awake.”

His voice drew you from your contemplative stupor. It was smooth, and calm. During any other circumstance, a voice like his would be a blessing upon your ears.

“What’s going on here? What are you—”

“My name is Albedo.” He said. His footsteps were near silent as he walked towards the table. “I’d ask your name but,” he stood beside you, his face mere inches from your own. His hot breath fanned your face. “I don’t think you’ll be around much longer, so I don’t think bothering with the formalities past this point is important.” He’s going to kill you. Oh archons.

He pulled your delusion from his pocket and brought it up to the light. It didn’t shine in the way a vision would, it was matte, and muddy, like dirty frosted glass. He took it over to a table and scribbled down some notes.

“I already tested its reactions to you while you were unconscious. I wasn’t about to risk you getting the upper hand.” He said, making a show of placing it next to a crafting table. “I had been trying to get my hands on a delusion for quite some time. But all the other fatui agents and mages had been smarter about spying around here.” He scoffed. “I suppose finding someone daft was key.”

You scowled and tried to defend your wounded ego, but the look he sent you silenced any protests you had the stones to make.

He turned back to the table and began shuffling through cabinets, grabbed a few brightly colored vials, and began working over a crafting table.

“You’re researching delusions?” You cleared your throat. You needed to play nice for now if you wanted to survive. “You could easily just ask me and I’d be happy to—”

“I’ve gotten what I need to know about how they react with the body.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “What I’m researching is… well…” He hummed. “Well, how to figure out how they are assembled. And I highly doubt a lower level Cicin such as yourself would have that sort of information.”

He was right. But your face flushed at the notion.

“So you’re going to kill me?”

“No.” He gave you a quick glance. “Well, I suppose in a way I am. But you’ll still be very much alive.”

“I don’t think I understand.”

“You will.” A small puff of smoke came from the table as he lifted a brightly colored liquid to his lantern. He hummed and squinted at it. “Or you won’t. That’s not my problem.”

You struggled lamely against the restraints. The burning ache in your veins made it harder to protest.

Albedo approached with the vial in his hand. He placed a cold hand to your forehead. It was a welcome relief to the scorching pain within.

“Alright, mage.” He swirled the concoction in his hand. “We can do this one of two ways. Either you open your mouth and drink this and behave yourself, or I hold you down and inject it directly into your blood stream. What will it be?” His indifference with the situation was chilling. Was he even human? Even Il Dottore had some sort of emotion when experimenting on his victims. Sadistic glee, yes. But it was better than cold and calculating. You felt like a butterfly pinned to corkboard.

You wanted to see him make a face. Some sort of small victory before you’re forced to partake in this bright green liquid.

So you spat on him.

The clear saliva slowly dripped down his cheek before he wiped it away with his hand. He gave a disappointed sigh. “Seems I was correct about dealing with a fool.”

His arm was on your bicep in seconds as he pulled a glass syringe out of his coat pocket. He sucked up the fluid from the glass and tapped it a few times before abruptly stabbing you with it.

It was a practiced precision, though somehow aggressive enough to draw blood, the sickly green vile was emptied into your arm.

The burning stopped.

Though something much worse filled its stead.

Your head felt like it was splitting apart, being torn at the seams. You swore your brain was leaking out, staining the table under you, but the dryness of your body proved otherwise.

Albedo pulled out a notepad and pen, he looked expectedly at you.

“How are you feeling?” His voice was impassive.

All you could do was scream. Albedo sighed and scribbled down something on his note pad.

“If you focus on nothing but the pain your suffering will only get worse.” Albedo pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. “Now, elaborate.”

You tried to conjure thoughts other than the extensive pain encompassing your body, anything at all. You grit your teeth and shut your eyes, concentrating. “Hurts—my head—splitting—”

“Yes?” He walked forward and placed a hand on your forehead. His cold skin against your burning flesh was a welcome distraction.

“Dizzy—Its hard—” “You’re doing much better than I had anticipated. I was under the assumption you wouldn’t be able to hold your mind together enough to speak.”

His hands covered your eyes, soothing more of the blazing pain temporarily. You could feel the edges of your vision darkening. You tried to reach out to the alchemist, but your restrained hand only tugged weakly at the binding, before flopping down unceremoniously.

You saw the man above you sigh as your body slowly began to loose feeling.

Bright. It was bright and cold.

There was a chill in the air, you reached to hug yourself for warmth. Coming to realize your body wasn’t sufficiently covered. Nothing but a thin white sheet covering you. Where were you? … Who were you?

You scramble to your knees, bringing them to your chest. You wrapped yourself in the sheet to help keep your warmth close.

“Ah, you’re awake.” A voice startled you, sending you scrambling to cover yourself further with the cloth. “No, no. You’re alright. I’m here to help you.”

“Who are you? Where am I?”

A man with sandy blonde hair entered your frame of vision. He held a bundle of clothes in his hands before placing it gently on the table. He took note of how you trembled more in his presence than had he not made himself known. He lifted his hands in an act of surrender, he wasn’t planning on hurting you.

“My name is Albedo. You are in Dragonspine, a mountain in the country of Mondstadt. I happened to find you in the cold. You were absolutely soaked. I feared you’d freeze to death.”

“Oh…” Your head swam. A thick fog wrapped around it, keeping wandering thoughts at bay. “I don’t—” “Remember much? Your head seemed to have taken significant damage when I had found you. I ran a few tests and it seems you’ve gotten yourself a case of amnesia.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to let you go until I know for a fact that you aren’t a danger to yourself.”

“I don’t know where I’d go.”

“That’s also a problem.”

Albedo smiled at you. Had you known any better you would’ve considered his smile a sinister one. But to the naïve, it was as right as rain.

You didn’t think anything of it when he offered to help you change, your body was still sluggish and you were dreadfully cold. You didn’t think anything of it when he offered you a room, seemingly prepared already, nor did you bat an eye when he would look at you and write things down on his notepad.

Your body would start to ache after a while, a headache creeping up your neck.

“Mister Albedo?” “Just Albedo is fine.” He said. His nose buried in his notes.

“My head is spinning.”

He looked up from his notes, meeting your gaze. “Ah, let’s get you to bed. I’ve got some medicine to take care of that.” He smiled, his hand resting against the small of your back as he led you to the room at the end of the hall.

He tucked you gently under the covers and placed a cold hand on your head. You sighed at the welcome touch. He sighed and walked out, only to return with a small vial of green liquid. He held it to your lips, which you dutifully swallowed. You were out in a matter of moments

He looked at you with a sense of swelling pride. He had done it.

He not only gotten his hand on a delusion, but he also got his hand on a body fit to wield it.

He had tamed a Cicin.

His hand went to caress your cheek, which your body eagerly responded. A smile crept up his face. You were his. His little mage. His little pet project.

#yandere #yandere genshin impact #yandere albedo x reader #yandere albedo #albedo genshin impact #albedo genshin x reader #tw: drugs #tw needles #tw: graphic depictions of violence #god he is hard to write spare me please

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forthegothicheroine · 3 years

Text

The King in Yellow, 1949

Much of this story is true. Warnings in the tags.

When I had pneumonia in my early teens, my mother brought home an armful of VHS tapes from the library to alleviate my misery. Knowing my snobbish preferences, she had grabbed copies of whatever she found in black and white. I remember something musical that I suspect was Busby Berkeley, I remember Mildred Pierce (a bad choice, as it turned out- the plot includes a young girl dying of pneumonia), and I remember a period piece called The King. I faded in and out of consciousness while I watched it, but it soothed me while I was awake and filled my fever dreams with sparkling images. I could never find it at the library again, nor at Hollywood Video or even early Netflix (once my father got the subscription service where you could order practically every DVD.) It was a bit odd that it seemed to be so obscure, given that it starred old Hollywood legend Ingrid Bergman (and, although I initially forgot it, Marlene Dietrich.) But even big stars make films that fall by the wayside in public memory, and it seemed that this was one of them. Google was no help, and at the time that was that.

I didn’t see the film again until I was watching Turner Classic Movies at my grandparents’ house. I loved watching that channel with them while filling out the crossword puzzle that came in their little TCM catalogue (all of it based on movie trivia, the only kind of crossword puzzle I’ve ever been any good at.) I recognized a certain scene where Bergman stood on a balcony, looking sadly at the moon. Her face had an expression of unutterable melancholy, and the crescent moon reflected in each of her eyes, giving the impression of two moons in one sky. I had very little time to catch up on what I’d missed before we had to go meet my cousins at the local Italian restaurant. I knew logically that the movie would be long over by the time we returned, but I turned on the channel anyway. Of course it had moved on to the lesser known Alfred Hitchcock film Stage Fright, but then I heard Marlene Dietrich sing before I could reach the remote to turn the tv off in disappointment. I knew that I had heard her sing before, and I knew it had been in The King.

Dietrich’s singing often comes across as somewhat campy today, with its Rs pronounced as Ws and it’s up-and-down tone. Madeline Kahn parodied it brilliantly in Blazing Saddles, such that it was a bit of a disappointment when I finally saw Dietrich’s western Destry Rides Again and found it to be lifeless and inconsistent next to the parody. Still, we remember her voice for a reason, and when I remembered it that night, I knew that its sardonic loneliness had rung through The King and made me shiver in my dreams.

The TCM schedule didn’t list The King in its time slot, but something else. If I had taken down the name, maybe it would have helped me find it. Sometimes the same movie runs under multiple names.

I didn’t see the film all the way through for many years, after I graduated college. I had found a web page that listed public domain film noir, including one called The Masked Guest. The website described it as a costume noir, and I curiously clicked on the link. Once I took in the credits running on the youtube window, my eyes grew wide and I did not move from my place on the bed until the movie had run its course.

The credits did indeed list it as The Masked Guest, but I recognized the strange repeating design on the title cards. They told me that in addition to starring Dietrich and Bergman, it was directed by Fritz Lang, and a character called The King was credited to “???” (I hadn’t seen that kind of credit since the first Karloff Frankenstein.) When the King finally appears on screen, though, it is unmistakably Orson Welles’s voice that booms out from behind his elaborate costume.

Here are the things I understand about The King, or The Masked Guest, or The Man in Yellow, or any other title I’ve found for it on public domain archive searches. Dietrich and Bergman play princesses named Cassilda and Camilla, respectively. Though Dietrich’s accent is German and Bergman’s is Swedish, they blend together to give the film the impression of being set somewhere on the map that I can’t quite find. The scenery and camera angles are very Freudian, with a great deal of archways and pillars.

The first act of The King involves frankly dull romantic plotlines, and the only thing that really saved it was the feeling that the suitors were supposed to be insipid, a suspicion lended credence by the fact that the love interests were listed so low on the credits. Dietrich is the scandalous sister and Bergman is the responsible one, though each takes on aspects of the other as the film goes on. Dietrich sings her song at a party, dressed in a fake 17th century gown and leaning against a piano. Although just a moment ago she had been laughing and joking with her gentleman friends, her song takes an abruptly serious tone (not seductive, not sentimental) as she tells the story of a city lost to time and memory. Bergman slips away from the party and onto the balcony, where we see that wonderful shot of the moon in her eyes. Is she mourning? Is she longing?

Dietrich cuts off the song by abruptly screaming “Not on us, King! Not on us!” She flees the party weeping and shaking, and from there on the film goes mad.

Though uncommon, it is not unknown for movies to switch between black and white and color, done most famously in The Wizard of Oz. The film The King recalls here is the silent Phantom of the Opera, which had a masqued ball scene tinted in shades of red and green that tried to provide a whole spectrum of color. The effect is even odder in the masqued ball scene in The King- the only color that appears is yellow, highlighting things like candlelight, Dietrich’s hair, a passing gown, a vase of tulips. It also highlights one particular masked figure, whose expressionless mask was decorated with a black pattern against a sickening yellow canvas- the same pattern I had seen in the opening credits. The color of his costume causes him to stand out from the crown even when he is far off in the background, just one head among many others. It must have taken long and painstaking hours of work to color in every frame.

Dietrich still seems broken up days after her song, though Bergman tries to coax her into joining the dance. Finally, at midnight, Dietrich goes out to face the party, but only to demand that every guest remove their mask. The yellow man with a voice that once warned America about a Martian invasion tells her that he wears no mask. Bergman reacts with disbelief, but Dietrich starts laughing like a woman unhinged. As she laughs, the yellow hue seeps out of the King’s clothing and face- if that really is his face- and begins to color the entire ballroom crowd. I think that what follows is bloodshed, but if there is any carnage (doubtful under the Production Code censorship), the blood must be tainted yellow and splashed across the camera like daubs of paint. Dietrich’s laughing face is doubled and tripled on screen until it dissipates, but even when it has faded offscreen, it feels as if her ghost continues to watch the proceedings.

By the end of the scene (filled with German Expressionist camera angles and mad violin screeching), only Bergman remains alive, cowering behind a grandfather clock. It does not hide her for long. The King steps towards her and extends his hand. Reluctantly, but with a fatalistic expression, Bergman takes his hand. They walk away together hand in hand. The screen shifts back into black and white, and then the credits roll before we can get a good look at all the bodies in the scene. The credits say it was based on a play called The King in Yellow, although Raymond Chandler of all people apparently had a hand in the screenplay.

As I said, that’s what I think I understand. It’s an oddly experimental art film for the era, and it may be awaiting rediscovery by the film festival crowd. I feel as if I alone know about it, though that obviously isn’t true. It is my little secret; I tell myself that my husband doesn’t need me to show it to him, it would be too odd for his taste. I’ve rewatched it many times, even if it seems like each time I search for it I have to find a different video platform or torrent. Naturally, no subscription site has it available. Maybe I am the last person who will ever watch it. Maybe no one will ever think to look for it again after me, and it will be completely forgotten.

When I was hospitalized, they let me use my laptop at night before I went to sleep (no power cord, though, in case I tried to hang myself.) I found a youtube link for The Man in Yellow, and I watched it every night. It wasn’t a soothing sort of movie, but having it in my mind all day and then watching it in the evening allowed me to think as opposed to crying endlessly while the other patients shot me awkward looks. I clutched the childhood stuffed animals my mother brought me when she visited, and I always held them extra tight when the masquerade scene started.

I watched the movie when I had to move away from my beloved San Francisco. I watched the movie when I lost the last of my grandparents. I watched the movie when a doctor unwisely took me off my medication and I couldn’t manage to eat for a month. I watched the movie when the whole world got sick and we all locked ourselves away from each other. I don’t mind that I don’t entirely know what it means. I don’t mind the nightmares. In the hospital they kept telling us about mindfulness exercises, and maybe the fact that I can focus on every aspect of the film so closely that all else falls away is the reason I keep coming back to it. I’m being mindful. I’m not letting any stray thoughts invade my head. I’m just watching and waiting for the next beat of every scene, leading inexorably to that yellow-stained bloodbath.

Streaming media doesn’t last forever, and each time I find The King, I worry that it will be the last time I ever can find it. My efforts to download it have so far been unsuccessful, odd considering that it is in the public domain.

When I watch The King, I am once again a child in my bedroom being cared for in the throes of agonizing sickness. I am once again sitting on the couch with my grandparents in front of the tv, both of them alive and lucid again. I am once again in the hospital, all alone except for my stuffed animals and the staff trying to keep me alive. The film reflects in my eyes like the crescent moon in Ingrid Bergman’s gaze. It sings to me.

I am determined to find a way to obtain The King under any name so that I never have to worry about losing it. During some of the worst times in my life, it is the only thing that has kept me sane.

#the king in yellow #cw mental illness #cw disordered eating #cw institutionalization #cw suicide

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dykerory · 3 years

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Anakin's day out? I'm very curious!

thank you SO much for giving me an excuse to talk about this stream of consciousness fever dream that i improvised for @willowcrowned the other night.

so, two things are crucial to understand

1. it starts with qui-gon surviving and taking anakin on as his padawan like he intended.

2. I do not care about timelines. do not tell me if it doesn’t make sense.

and. listen. qui gon is a complicated guy but he is kind of the bad guy in this, because he just doesn’t see anakin as a kid. To him, anakin is a symbol, a way to prove to the council that qui gon is right, the Chosen One, destined to Bring Balance to the Force. All in all, a terrible position to put any child in, but especially one who’s JUST been freed from slavery.

Meanwhile, Obi wan has fucked RIGHT off to self-isolate and quietly and passively resent both qui gon and anakin. he’s like i GUESS if you wanna replace me since anakin is so PERFECT.

So here we start- anakin under a tremendous amount of pressure, with a teacher who doesn’t care about him as a person, isolated due to his status as the chosen and his general trouble socializing, and one day he decides. You know what. fuck this. and runs away from the jedi temple at age 10.

it doesn’t take long for qui gon to realize that he’s gone, so he contacts obi wan and the two of them begin to track down anakin, with this HUGE unspoken tension between the two of them because they’re both emotionally stunted morons.

Anakin’s first move is to just catch a ship back to tatooine so he can be with the last person who truly cared about him, but things obviously go awry. The extremely shifty freighter that anakin stows away on gets raided by (drumroll) our favorite space pirate Hondo

they loot everything, find anakin, and Hondo is like wow, a jedi padawan, this is easy money, so he takes anakin back with him to their headquarters to ransom him to both the jedi and the sith, because a man's gotta have options.

now that i'm thinking about it, this is probably how palpatine learns that anakin is missing- I can't think of any reason the jedi would specifically go out of their way to tell him, and honestly they probably want to keep this incident on the DL. ANYWAYS palps is like FUCK my little murder machine is in the wind. Dooku, you go get him back.

Dooku secretly very much does not want his replacement to get home safely, so he has Ventress to go after anakin for a more permanent solution. Palpatine, expecting this betrayal, also contracts Cad bane to retrieve anakin.

Meanwhile, during negotiations, Hondo finds himself very intrigued by this angry little child. Anakin is very blase about being sold back into slavery (Hondo tries to correct him that it's not slavery, it's ransom, there's a difference), but Anakin is like. whatever. beats being a jedi.

Hondo: hmm cool cool. i've just decided you're my new son.

so Hondo reneges on BOTH his deals, picks up and takes off with anakin and his crew, fully prepared to raise anakin as his little pirate son, complete with a custom sized pirate outfit.

At some point, Padme also hears about anakin's disappearence, and eventually joins up with obi wan and qui gon, because frankly they cannot be trusted to operate on their own.

the rest of the story is anakin being tossed back and forth between these different groups like the galaxy's most chaotic and high stakes game of football. Dooku rightly doesn't trust Ventress to get the job done, so he decides to go himself. at some point he gets trapped with qui gon and obi wan for maximum familial trauma and chaos.

Not sure how it all ends, but there's obviously a huge showdown. I think there might have been even more groups but I forgot them.

#Anonymous #star wars #star wars au #anakin's day out #i WILL write this one day #after school is over #my writing #creo #asked and answered

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detroitbecomeyandere · 3 years

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You still remember where you were when the news that mermaids were real broke, you were sitting in the library trying to catch up on homework when the person next to you suddenly gasps and turns on a video. More annoyed than anything you tried to ignore his commotion and focus, midterms were coming up and nothing could be more important than that. When you got home and turned on the news you had to double check the date to make sure the headline wasn't a prank.

"That's right folks, the existence of mermaids has been confirmed. Mermaids are real."

That was three years ago and now you had a degree in behavioral psychology and were ready to get out there. You had put in applications at every marine research center you could to try and work with a merperson. Just as you were losing hope the Sunshine Rehabilitation Center reached out to you, requesting your help in dealing with a temperamental merman. You accepted it without a second thought and booked the first flight out and today was the day you were finally going to meet your first merperson.

The night before you got the report of who you would be working with, a shark merman by the name of Cyrus. He had beached himself after some fishermen tore up his tail because he started hunting in their fishing grounds. Apparently he is aggressive and distrusts humans to the point he is hindering his own rehabilitation, the people in charge of the center were hoping you could come in and help them with him. You thought you were ready to meet him but you were not prepared to stand in front of a six million gallon tank and a merman over nine foot.

You had seen a tank like this before at Sea World though unlike those tanks this one was set up to look like the ocean. The sand on the bottom of the tank was almost as tall as you, there was a cave built into the tank to give the merman some privacy. Said merman was currently swimming through the tank as best as he could, the wounds on his tail still looked red and painful. From what you can tell he was a Bull Shark meaning he was already aggressive to start with and his injury only added to it, it was no wonder they needed extra help.

Since it was feeding time you would get to see Cyrus up close and personal and while you were excited you were also nervous, Cyrus could very easily snatch you up and drag you into the tank with him if he felt like it. So you decided to watch him from a distance standing as far back on the platform as you could.

"Okay Ms. y/l/n Cyrus gets a little messy when he eats, you don't get sick from a bit of blood do you?" One of the biologists cracked a smile as she teased you, trying to get you to relax a little. It only made you more tense. A couple of the biologists tossed massive chunks of fish into the tank to get Cyrus's attention, he surfaced causing water to flow over onto the observation deck. You've seen some pictures of mermaids online but none of them looked like him, his jawline was so sharp it could cut glass, his eyes are such a deep brown they're almost black. Opening his mouth he reveals sharp teeth that easily shred the flesh of his meal.

Seeing the other people so close to him made you feel a bit more at ease and as you approached him, Cyrus shot a glare at you as he pulled his food into the pool.

~~~~~~~

It's been almost a month since you started working with Cyrus and slowly things were looking up. The first two weeks had been rough, one time he tried to bite your hand off but after you popped his nose out of reflex he straightened up. Since then Cyrus had seemed to become attached to you, always coming to the surface when you climbed the platform, he'd take things from you very gently as opposed to the almost violent way he would take things from other people. It seemed Cyrus had taken to you so much he started bringing you little things inside his habitat which mainly consisted of things he had taken from the other employees or little pieces of his meal. He seemed to be responding well to your time with him and was starting to let the biologists help him. Today however he was acting aggressive again and you didn't know what set him off, his routine hadn't changed at all and he was even ignoring you today.

By the time five rolled around you were fed up with his behavior and ready to go home, almost everyone else had already left so it was just you and two other biologists. You kick your flats off and walk to the edge of the platform to say goodnight to Cyrus it was something you started as a way to build trust but soon turned into second nature for you, once you had rushed out and forgot to tell him good night and it was all you could think about till you came back in. Before you even get to the edge Cyrus is already waiting for you, only his eyes above the water as he watches you approach.

"Goodnight Cyrus, hopefully tomorrow you'll be in a better mood, okay bud? Get some rest!" As you turn to leave a clawed hand shoots out and wraps around you ankle and pulls you to the floor causing you to hit your head stunning you. Cool water engulfs you as Cyrus pulls you to his large chest and swims away from the platform and into the middle of the pool. Once there he rolls onto his back and places you onto his stomach he watches as you cough up the water in your lungs, you place your hands on his hard abs as you steady yourself. Trying to stay calm you talk to him through your hacking "Cyrus *cough* I know you are having a hard day but this isn't appropriate. Now please *cough* take me back to the platform."

The look on his eyes was so intense you start to feel uncomfortable you open your mouth to ask again but Cyrus's hand wraps around your waist as he hoists above his face, and in a swift motion his thumb he pushes your pencil skirt up to your hips and catches your panties and rips them off. You bang your small fists against his hand and he moves you over his mouth, panic shoots through you as you start screaming for the biologists to help you but they just stood there stunned. Logically you knew there wasn't anything they could do but emotionally you were upset that they were about to watch you get eaten. Tears are streaming down your face by the time his tounge slithers out of his mouth and starts to prod at your cunt and before you can react to his actions he plunges it into your tight hole, pushing past your tight muscles. The sudden intrusion burns and you try and push his hand off of your waist but your struggling makes his hold your tighter as he starts to fuck you on his tongue. The painful burn starts to fade into a pleasurable one as his rough appendage rubs against the bundle of nerves inside you, your hips start to grind down against him and he loosens his grip to let you.

Just before the knot in your stomach can snap Cyrus pulls his tongue out of you making a whine escape you, your eyes meet his now almost black eyes. Never breaking eye contact with you Cyrus places you on his waist just below his genital slits. From the cornor of your eyes you see the biologists frantically moving around, in the back of your mind you were hoping they were figuring out how to save you but your hopes were dashed when you saw they were setting up a camera and taking notes. Feeling utterly humilated and betrayed you turn back around to find two erect penises in front of you. They were white and stripped with the same shade of gray on his tail, the penises had to be at least 14 inches. Panic sets in again when he wraps his hand back around your waist and aligns your cunt with the blunt head of one of his cocks.

Trying one last time you try and talk some sense into the horny merman. "Cyrus please it won't fit inside me! You are gonna rip me in half, stop please!" He pauses for a moment and huffs out in annoyance, you breathe a sigh of relief thinking he listened to you, but before your eyes his cock starts to shrink. By the time it stopped he was around ten inches and already pushing inside you. Once again you try to claw at his hand or close your legs anything to stop him from violating you any farther but with a little more pressure from his hand you legs spread open and slams his cock up into you filling you up all at once.

Your head snaps back in both pain as the breath is forces from your body, Cyrus moves you up and down his cock like a fleshlight as he fucks you. His other dick rubs against your clit everytime he brings you down on him the friction sends jolts of pleasure up your spine and soon your slick starts to leak down your thighs as the knot in your stomach starts to build again. Suddenly his member starts to grow inside you and every thought leaves your brain and all you can focus on is how full you can feel. He finally stop when you go ridged in his grip and starts thrusting even faster into you, going so deep inside you could swear he was fucking your womb. Finally the knot snaps and you unravel on top of him, your cunt tightens around him in a vice like grip and with a growl Cyrus cums deep inside you. The cock in front of you erupts as wells and showers you with ropes of hot cum, his grip loosens around you and you slump down onto his body. His cocks softening and retracting from you, Cyrus lays a hand across your back as you come back down to earth. On the brink of consciousness you are vaguely aware of the fact that there are more than two biologists on the platform now. To tired to feel ashamed you close your eyes and let sleep take you.

#detroit become human #yandere #mermay 2021 #mermay #dbh cyrus #sharkman cyrus #two dick cyrus #monster fucking #mod beau is a monster fucker #mod beau

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camxnoel-updates · 3 years

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Cameron Monaghan brought the character of Ian Gallagher to life on Showtime’s hit series, Shameless. The series aired for a total of 11 seasons after originally premiering in 2011. It ranked as the network’s no. 1 comedy, longest-running series, and had the youngest-skewing audience of any Showtime series. Monaghan also joined two legendary universes with roles in both Gotham and Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order, which I got to ask him about too!

The final season of SHAMELESS finds the Gallagher family and the South Side at a crossroads, with changes caused by the COVID pandemic, gentrification, and aging to reconcile. As Frank confronts his own mortality and family ties in his alcoholic and drug-induced twilight years, Lip struggles with the prospect of becoming the family’s new patriarch. Newlyweds Ian (Cameron Monaghan) and Mickey (Noel Fisher) are figuring out the rules and responsibilities of being in a committed relationship while Deb embraces her individuality and single motherhood. Carl finds an unlikely new career in law enforcement and Kevin and V struggle to decide whether a hard life on the South Side is worth fighting for.

Along with the final season, fans also got a six-episode series that featured new Shameless scenes juxtaposed with a retrospective look at each character’s journey over the prior 10 seasons, titled, Shameless Hall of Shame. The first episode followed Ian and Mickey, showcasing their unique relationship and its evolution from a teen fling into a loving, complicated marriage.

I was able to chat with the actor over zoom and ask him all of my burning questions regarding the series finale, Ian and Mickey’s future, the show’s open ending, the representation his character provided to those watching, what he kept from the set, his future projects, and so much more! Keep reading to find out everything he told me.

So first of all, I want to say a huge congrats to you for wrapping Shameless after 11 seasons and bringing this character to life, who has inspired so many and that so many relate to. I wanted to ask, what has your time on the show meant to you and how would you describe how it helped you grow as an actor?

Cameron Monaghan: I mean, it’s so difficult to distill 11 years into some sort of concise answer, but it’s meant a lot for so many reasons. I think that obviously it’s been important for my career and my life in a sense of how it’s not only given me exposure but also given all of us a platform as performers to be able to tell interesting and challenging stories and to really develop and grow. Obviously, we had a couple of old pros on the show– when I say old pros, I’m not calling them old, just that they’re professionals and they’ve been doing it for a long time, but like William H. Macy, Joan Cusack, and a number of people who had very storied careers. Then we had actors on the show who had never appeared on anything prior and for a lot of us, we were somewhere in the middle, where we’d been working for a number of years, but hadn’t been given the opportunities to really put ourselves out there in such a significant way.

So being able to get an audience over the course of 11 years– and the show grew steadily, it was a marginal success at first, but it wasn’t until like season 4 or 5 that it really started to be seen by people and really connect on a larger platform, and a lot of that had to do with Netflix. When that happens we had such an influx of people kind of saying how they related to it and I think that that’s something that I’ve really taken away– I think we’ve all taken away, to be able to hear a lot of other people’s stories and how they’ve connected these stories in entirely different ways. Everyone has had different favorite characters or storylines and they have brought their own personal experiences to that, but for people to say that they feel seen or heard in some ways by these stories, I think is very special. You know, the character that I was playing was an LGBT love story, as well as a story about mental illness, and coping and struggling with that. I had so many positive responses from people regarding those things, and it was amazing to hear people’s responses. So I think that not only was I able to grow as an actor but being able to hear that response and feedback helps you grow as a human being too. I guess that’s what one of my major takeaways is.

What was that final day of shooting like for you, and how did you feel when you officially wrapped?

It was a bit surreal. I don’t think it really set in at first. It’s always funny when you wrap on a project, I feel like it comes in waves, and with something like a TV show, you start to feel it on the last few episodes of like, “Oh, wow, it’s going to be over.” You start trying to find your little ways of saying goodbye to people and understanding that these conversations are obviously not the last for everyone; we’re still close with each other, but you start to recognize that within the context of the show they’ll be your last so that’s a difficult thing. I’ve never been particularly good at saying goodbye, you know? I feel like in general, I’m kind of a person that just likes to be like, “I’m just going to walk away from it cause I don’t know what else to do really.”

So, we were shooting pretty late at night and we were all there hanging out and cracking jokes, and it was just of like, “Oh, I guess that’s it.” We all kind of looked at each other like, “Well, what do we do now?” A bunch of us stuck around for a few hours afterward, we popped a bottle of champagne, and we sat in each others’ trailers and just kinda hung out until pretty early in the morning, the next day. Then we’ve all kind of just been hanging out and seeing each other since. Everyone’s been really busy, thankfully. So we’ve been traveling and going to different cities for work, but when we’ve been in town we’ve been trying to see each other. I had dinner with Jeremy and Ethan, who played my brothers on the show last week. Noel Fisher, I just saw yesterday. I’m going to see Shanola Hampton in a few days. We’re all still staying in touch with each other is what I’ll say.

Were you personally satisfied with the ending of the show? I think it was very open-ended, which was kind of nice and left a lot open for the future. And was there anything you wanted to see for your character that we weren’t able to?

Endings are difficult in general, but I feel like, especially with a show like Shameless, which is a show about a slice of life and sort of how existence doesn’t really fall into a perfect narrative; it tends to be messy and kind of just continue in spite of itself, and it’s a stream of these little victories and these constant mistakes. So you can’t really cap off a pure ending to a story like that. I think that what John Wells tried to do with writing it is not really conclude the stories. He concludes certain aspects, but the way that he explained it to us is he wanted it to feel like if you were walking through the streets of Chicago, maybe you might bump into these characters. Maybe they’re still out there and maybe they’re still doing things. Some of us had more resolution than others.

I would actually say that the Ian and Mickey storyline was one that did have a fair amount of resolution for the final episode. It was about their anniversary, how they were going to deal with their future, and they’ve kind of figured out some sort of life with each other. There are still large questions, whether or not they’re going to have kids and what the terms of their marriage will entail in the future, but those are questions that are lifelong questions, and ones that I think that we know these characters well enough and we understand their relationships well enough that we can draw our own conclusions for. I think there is something beautiful about the fact that the audience will project what their future for these characters will be.

I think it was a challenging final season because of so many extenuating factors in the world. All shows, businesses, everything was trying frantically to keep up with a changing landscape, and the fact that we were able to make it in spite of all of those things, I think is a victory in itself; one that we are all proud of and happy with. I do think there’s still a future, years out, where we might return to these characters and explore them further. I think that I’m happy putting them to bed for now, I think we all are, but I would like to maybe check in with these characters in 5 or 10 years, and just kind of see where they’re at and what they’re doing.

Kind of like a little Shameless movie, just to play catch up for a little bit.

Yeah, I think that’s something that is kind of more possible now with these streaming networks. They’ve done it with a few series, to sometimes success and sometimes mixed results, but I do think there is a possibility of a reunion season or something like that, depending on where the show fits into the public consciousness in a few years, you know? It’s an open question, but one I’d be excited to see.

How you would describe Ian’s evolution and journey on the show?

I think that Ian has come a long way in terms of confidence and assuredness in himself and his own decisions. I think that’s what a lot of the exploration of the character was, especially in the middle seasons between seasons like 3 to 8 or 9, are this guy who sort of just doesn’t necessarily know what he wants for himself and he’s dealing with a bunch of surprises about himself that he doesn’t necessarily understand, or hasn’t really come to terms with. I think it’s amazing to see Ian in these earlier episodes where he’s kind of getting kicked around by his relationships and by his family. He’s kind of a forgotten kid a little bit. He’s like a middle child, who’s just sort of– people aren’t really looking out for him. His brother does to a certain extent, but also his brother is kind of telling him what he wants for himself and Ian isn’t as active.

At a certain point, he starts to really come into his own as an adult and as a human being. I think it’s amazing how we see him as not only a big brother by the end of the series, but also sort of– there’s something a bit paternal about him. He becomes a bit of a father figure, even a little bit in his relationships. I think it’s interesting how Mickey was always sort of the commanding force and deciding factor for so much of the series; when Ian was really struggling with mental illness and down in the dumps, Mickey is the kind of guy who was looking after him, but by the end of the series, Mickey is a bit childlike in certain ways. Ian is kind of protecting him to a certain extent, and even with his older brother, Lip, Ian is sort of looking out for him in a slightly paternal way, which I think is kind of interesting. He really comes a long way in sort of being confident enough in himself to start looking out for other people that I think is a really great quality. It makes him a character who has made a fair amount of mistakes but mistakes that we understand, and I think that ultimately he’s a guy that I understand and really relate to because he does have this quality to him.

So I have to ask you some questions about Ian and Mickey. I personally love them together, they were one of the reasons I started watching the show. In the end, as you said, we kind of get some closure, but also an open ending with them and it’s a happy one; they’re together and celebrating their anniversary. In your head, what do you think that their future holds? Do you think kids are in the picture; do you think they’re going to be parents? Ideally, what is your version of their happy ending, if you could create it?

I think that they both still need to do some work. I would say that they need to do work as a couple in their marriage still of just defining the terms of what is it that they want financially, sexually, intimately, personally, all of these things. It’s a show full of people who aren’t great at communication or dealing with their own feelings– I mean to a certain extent, most human beings aren’t, but these guys, especially, come from a rough background and they have that tendency of just kind of wanting to push that stuff down. Ian has really opened up Mickey and Mickey to a certain extent has really opened up Ian over the course of the series, but I still don’t think they’re fully all the way there. Mickey has a lot of emotional baggage when it comes to parenthood, his father, and dealing with responsibility.

I don’t know if Mickey is fully there. Hopefully, he would be one day in the future. And hopefully, Ian would be patient enough to give him the space to make that decision and to not want to rush into it. I do think that it would be something in their future. Parenthood was a huge motivating factor for Ian earlier in the series, going so far as to steal someone’s baby at some point because he wants to be a father. I would hope that they would be able to provide that for him and for themselves, but there’s no way to know, we have to sort of make that assumption for ourselves, but I think so.

Ian and Mickey have been this fan-favorite couple that means so much to the LGBTQ+ community in terms of representation. What was the moment that you personally started rooting for them?

I think it was pretty early. I was rooting for Ian from the first episode, from the pilot, but the second that Mickey gets introduced to the show, he brought such a fun dynamic with him. Obviously, a massive amount of charisma that was coming from Noel Fisher. The scenes were always fun, exciting, and felt steeped in a lot of dramatic tension. Whether or not they were destined to be together was kind of a question that still was developing. In the first season to the third season, the Mickey character is pretty rough emotionally and physically; he is at points pretty, extremely abusive in a way that is great for a character and for a story, but if I was talking to Ian as a person in real life, I would probably say, “Get the hell away from this guy. He’s awful for you.”

But within the context of the story, we’re able to get the internal life of these characters and we understand them well enough to really want to be rooting for them and see them succeed. It builds into this pretty epic love story of these characters that really do feel kind of intertwined by fate and something greater. It feels like you have these forces pulling for them in a way that you want with every fiber of your being to see it work out for them because you care for them. So obviously, Noel and I had been rooting for these characters the entire time, but it was really fun playing some of the ridiculousness of the situations of the two of them, where they were just very at odds with each other at times. It was a joy bouncing off of each other in both the highs and the lows of the character.

Is there sort of a message that you hope their love story gives to viewers that see themselves in these characters?

Well, I think the aspects of the characters, especially for Mickey, that I’m sure a lot of people relate to, and it is sort of the greatest tragedy of the character, is how he is deeply in the closet and he feels that he can’t embrace his own self and also this beautiful love because of this situation that he’s in; a traumatic home life, specifically an abusive father, and also an environment that doesn’t allow him to be what he wants to be. I guess the message that I do hope that people who are relating to that get is that there are places where you can be accepted and there are better options for you, and sometimes that takes time, but as cliched as it is, it does get better. So hopefully people are able to find these safe environments for themselves to be able to improve the quality of life and to get better situations. I hope that people find hope in the story ultimately.

Another relationship of Ian’s that I have to discuss is his relationship with the whole Gallagher family; that was a focus of the series since day one. What was your favorite part of their dynamic and playing off that?

Obviously, the chaos of the family is always really fun to play. We had these scenes that were kind of an amazing balancing act of like 8 or 9 people in a scene, all messing around with these different storylines that are bouncing off of each other, intertwining, and you have this really biting sharp satirical dialogue that all had a very specific rhythm to it and was a sort of flow that was established early in the show that was kind of kept across the entire series; one that was a genuine joy as a performer to play. But I think that specifically the relationship that I’ve always been a fan of and I love from the start, is probably– it’s definitely one of my favorite relationships on the show– was the relationship between Ian and Lip.

There’s not a lot of depictions of brotherhood and intimacy between men that are deeply sensitive, close, and uncomplicated. Those are definitely scenes that I felt very personally moved by, of two brothers who have just had a world of shit, a lot of complicated and messed up things that have been dropped on their heads that they’ve been dealing with for the entirety of their lives, but they’ve sort of made a pact that they were just gonna be there for each other no matter what. If they weren’t there for each other, who knows if they would have survived. I think that there’s something really amazing about those scenes in that they’re just very open with each other, and that’s something that’s established right from the start and was kind of one of those key relationships for the show that survived until the very last episode and that I’m very proud of, cause I do think that those are some of my personal favorite scenes of the show.

Here’s a fun three-part question: most challenging, fun, and insane storyline for you as an actor?

Most challenging would probably have to be… we reached a point in the series around season 8 and they were trying to contextualize the characters in a modern way, put them into new circumstances, but try to retain what the characters were, but they’ve moved a lot from where they originally were. We were at a point where we were getting so many new writers onto the series, and the show I feel struggled for a second, which happens with any series that’s been on for a while. It felt like there was a point where they didn’t know what they wanted to do with Ian. There were a couple of episodes where I was kind of looking at the story and being like, “What are we doing here? It doesn’t really feel like anything is happening with him and we’re kind of floating across these relationships.” I wasn’t sure what we were trying to say, but that being said, that is kind of true to life, to a certain degree, where we do find ourselves sometimes in these ruts where we don’t know what we’re doing with our relationships, our lives, and ourselves. There is a little bit of a struggle there and that is kind of real to a certain degree, and I do think having those episodes make when they started finding the way with the character and relationships again, kind of more satisfying cause he sort of loses his way and he comes back. So it was kind of a challenge, but I think it all worked out ultimately.

Craziest would have to be… so this is one that no one would even know is like a thing really, no one would even think of it as a thing, but the scene in the pilot episode, Lip and Ian jump out of like a window and they run out of a house to escape an angry parent, right? And they’re kind of running in a rush. So they run out in their socks, down the street, and it’s the middle of January in Chicago and the streets are covered in mud, water, and ice. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever felt in my life that I actually thought my feet were going to like fall off. I thought we were going to have to amputate a toe because of frostbite. We did the scene a bunch of times, and because Jeremy and I were young, we were just sort of trying to be tough, just like, “Yeah, whatever, it’s not a problem. We can do this over and over, not a big deal.” Then I definitely learned a lesson of like, when something is a problem, you have to say, it’s a problem.

Most fun… I don’t know if I can distill it to just one scene. I think the most fun was just getting to interact with all of the wildly different personalities of our show, and just kind of get to sit around and hang out with everyone. There were times that we would just be laughing so hard that one of us would start and we just end up crying, laughing. Usually, it was because of Howey cracking jokes or something like that, but it could be just the dumbest to smallest thing, but it’s the kind of thing when you become so comfortable with people, it just starts to happen. Sometimes it was just the downtime and these little small kind of boring or mundane moments that really ended up being some of my favorite experiences.

Did you take anything from the set at all?

I did. So in the final season, there’s a storyline where Frank steals Nighthawks, the Edward Hopper painting, and that was actually done in cooperation with the Art Institute of Chicago and the Edward Hopper estate. They did these really high-resolution prints of it that were then painted over by hand, and they even took pictures of the back and mimicked the way that the canvas wrapped over, the small writing, and everything. It’s a pretty damn good forgery of Nighthawks. So I stole one of those and that’s hanging up in my living room. I also stole one of the mugs cause in the show we’re always having breakfast and drinking coffee, so there are these rooster mugs and I stole one of those.

Since you’re talking to The Nerds of Color, I have to ask you about Star Wars and Gotham. What stood out to you about Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order compared to your other work, and what did it mean to you to join that iconic universe?

I mean, what stood out pretty quickly was that it had a tone all of its own. Star Wars is a very specific tone. It has sort of its own language, pacing, style, and rhythm; there’s something very specific about it, something that I’m a big fan of. I grew up watching the Star Wars movies and that was definitely… you know, anytime that you’re jumping onto something with an active and passionate fanbase it’s going to be slightly intimidating. There’s no way around that. Thankfully, I’ve at this point done enough projects with really passionate fanbases to kind of understand what that entails, which is that there’s going to be a lot of opinions. A lot of people are really excited about things and no matter what, even the smallest things, someone’s going to be very, very angry about it. That comes along with the territory, but that’s kind of fun to a certain degree; it’s fun to hear such minutiae and being examined, and these conversations are ones that are being had on set too.

There’s so much conversation between the Lucasfilm story group, Respawn, and EA, who are the production companies behind the game, and also the cast, directors, and everybody involved are sometimes discussing, “How does a person stand? How does one get onto a speeder bike? What kind of sound does this monster make?” And there’s always a genuine deference and respect to the series. We know how much people care about it. We know because we care about it a lot, and everyone on this project are huge fans of the source material. So that was exciting to be a part of, obviously; I mean, that should go without saying. It’s so freaking cool to be a Jedi and to be the face of this massive franchise, and to be able to not only be a part of a really well-known property and part of this large project but also to be able to tell an interesting and intimate story within it. For as bombastic as all of the action is, and as big as the Star Wars universe is, I feel the story of Cal Kestis and the people that he interacts with is a somewhat smaller one and a more intimate one. It’s ultimately, at least for me, a pretty emotionally resonant one and a story that I actually very much care about and relate to. I think that was probably the most exciting part about it, was being able to within the framework of this big machinery of what Star Wars is, still tell a story that might actually affect people and make them feel things, I think was just really cool.

Could you describe how it felt to take on the role of the Joker?

Exciting, intimidating, an honor, and challenging; it’s a role that I didn’t take lightly. I understood what it was, which is that a lot of the people who were seeing me in the role had never heard of me and didn’t know who I was, and it was a way to prove myself and to show off my take of what I could do with this. It was really cool too with that show that we were getting to do something that had never really been done before with the character, which is to show multiple versions and possibilities of what that character could be, and to kind of tip our hat to some of the famous stories that came before, and then kind of give a unique spin and show off some new things with it as well.

Obviously, that show was heightened to a certain degree and kind of existed in this wacky over-the-top violent, but also slightly cartoony universe that was kind of its own little thing. That was really fun to play around with it and to totally get to do something kind of different with that, something that we hadn’t seen before. But I think it was specifically really intimidating because, at that point of casting when I performed the episode in the first season of that show, no one had played the role since Heath Ledger had posthumously won the Oscar for the role. So the only people who had touched it in live-action had been Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger, which are just massive, massive shoes to fill and two people that I deeply admired. Again, it’s just sort of a case of respect and wanting to kind of come in, just do my absolute best with the material, and to try to pay a certain level of honor to the people that came before.

Anything you can tease about what you’re going to do next? Any future projects?

Absolutely. It’s always difficult with this stuff because there’s only so much you can say. I can say that I just shot a film that hasn’t been announced yet, but I was out of town shooting it for a while. It’s the starring role in the film, and that will come out to theaters in the near future. I’m also working on another project over the course of the next year that I will be working on and off for. Again, thanks to the joys of NDAs, I can’t actually say what it is. I have a movie that I will be doing in June and then also I’m starting to move a bit behind the camera as well. So I’m working on producing and starring in a feature in August or September. And I’m writing a couple of projects right now as well. So it’s a loaded year for the next year, but it’s all very exciting that’s happening.

#LOVED THIS #cameron monaghan #shameless #shameless us #ian gallagher #gallavich #noel fisher #mickey milkovich #jerome valeska #the joker #gotham #jeremiah valeska #mr j #cal kestis #jedi fallen order #star wars

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lit-in-thy-heart · 3 years

Text

i'd just like a to take a moment to talk about this gif

more specifically, the dynamic between merlin and gwaine.

warning: s5 finale spoilers

this is the episode where merlin has lost his magic and every time i see it i just want to cry. you can see that, to begin with, merlin is just standing back and assessing the situation -- like he always does -- to see where he can discreetly help. then the bandit comes towards him and he completely flips out (understandably).

initially he obviously backs away, but he doesn't cover his head until the very last second, and his scream is honestly chilling because i don't think merlin has ever been this vulnerable before and it's terrifying him. but he also doesn't call for gwaine until the very last moment. he sees that the bandit is getting up and pushing him back but it's not until the blow is about to be dealt that he screams for his love friend. there is still a part of him that hasn't processed he no longer has magic and cannot defend himself. (it also begs the question why the knights haven't given merlin some sort of weapon in the last ten years, unless they think he repels death or something, but anyway.) and does he hesitate because he doesn't want gwaine to be hurt in saving him? or is it that, in that moment, the belief that gwaine can protect him slips and that's why he cries out?

and merlin is definitely shaken by this encounter. it's excellent acting on colin's part to convey the sheer terror at merlin being unable to defend himself and potentially put gwaine at risk by being unable to do so. afterwards, you can see just how deeply he's breathing and just how stunned he actually is. it's the first time that he has had to entirely rely on someone else.

gwaine, though. maybe it's my merwaine brain going into overdrive, but he is making merlin a priority. you can see that he's clocked the bandit going for merlin and is actually moving to stop him before merlin shouts. he doesn't even properly dispose of the bandit he's dealing with in his desperation to get to merlin in time.

and when they first attack, he angles his body so it acts as a shield for merlin. of course, that doesn't really work out because he gets too drawn into combat with one which allows the the other to attack merlin, but he tries.

i don't know why but it's the last bit that really gets me. the whole i'll-stab-you-without-looking thing is just urgh perfection, but it's his consistent eye contact with merlin. gwaine's expression isn't the softest because he's killing someone, but you can see that he's keeping his eyes on merlin to check that he's alright. and almost like he's saying 'this is for them attacking you'. we will never know what his expression was when the camera flicks back to merlin, but it is highly likely that he's silently asking merlin if he's alright, given their Interaction in the next bit:

(please ignore the juddering text, it's the first time i've giffed dialogue and I'm still figuring out text and frames)

so there's quite a bit that i want to say about this moment.

first of all, merlin is avoiding eye contact when gwaine helps him up. is this because he's embarrassed at being so dependent on gwaine or is it because watching gwaine fight made him feel things that are not helpful to feel on the eve of battle? probably. gwaine has obviously fought and protected merlin before, but (as far as i recall) never has had to save him from a death blow. this is the first time in a long while (again, i might be wrong, feel free to correct me) that merlin owes his life to anyone but arthur, who is part of his destiny. lancelot saved him when they first met, but that was years ago. merlin isn't used to be indebted to someone who he isn't duty-bound to protect, and if he wanted to repay the debt then, currently, he'd have to wrangle it without magic.

(merlin's eyes also go to gwaine's left hand which makes me question what on earth that knight is doing out of shot.)

and gwaine isn't smiling for a start: you can tell that he is genuinely concerned about merlin. and it must be pretty unnerving for gwaine, as well. despite all arthur's comments about merlin being a coward, gwaine probably sees merlin as incredibly scrappy when it comes to survival. he's always thrown himself into dangerous situations without a moment's hesitation and never shown fear. so for merlin to scream for him so desperately (i wish gifs could convey tone because my heart honestly breaks) must be incredibly unsettling and gwaine instantly jumps to merlin being injured. and when he does smile, it's not in the (seemingly) self-assured manner that we're all used to, it's in a very tender manner, as if he's trying to reassure merlin.

'there's no need to thank me, merlin. it's the least i could do.'

merlin makes eye contact here. i appreciate that it's not wonderfully giffed to align, but when gwaine says the first part merlin looks up. he definitely looks surprised at the fact that gwaine says he doesn't need gratitude, almost as if he's shocked by the implication that gwaine would do something like that and not want recognition, if that makes sense? merlin has never once received a word of thanks for saving arthur, and to have gwaine say that he doesn't want it possibly strikes a chord in merlin. because merlin doesn't save arthur for the gratitude; he saves arthur because (in whichever context you perceive it) he loves him (yeah, it started off as destiny for a start, but he does obviously grow to love arthur). so. if gwaine doesn't want thanks...then that means he loves merlin (again, platonically or romantically, it works both ways). and, just like the 'not arthur' s3 moment, merlin is caught off guard by the concept that someone cares for him enough to risk their life for him without a moment's hesitation.

and then -- 'it's the least i could do'. what more would gwaine do for merlin? or is it, perhaps, that he has some inkling that merlin has also saved his life many times over, and just wants to do the same for him? does he perhaps suspect that merlin does have magic? this line hits me so hard because you can see how much he cares for merlin, and just how blind merlin is to it.

and then the touch. the touch on the arm that is very similar to the one arthur gives to merlin. the touch that serves as reassurance and affection and i actually can't talk about this further because i will explode.

to summarise this stream of consciousness, then:

when it comes to himself, merlin doesn't know when to ask for help, mainly because he has taught himself that his needs are secondary and he shouldn't require it. but gwaine knows exactly when to give it because merlin deserves it, and would give him the world on a plate if he could.

#it's just...this is the one good thing the finale gave us i honestly love this scene #just how on it gwaine is because we don't really see him fighting in this season but damn when he does #this is a fucking long post i apologise for getting carried away #i just...THEY DESERVED BETTER #thank you for indulging me #i'm sorry if it's incoherent i just have a lot of feelings #merlin #bbc merlin #long post #merlin meta #my gifs #gwaine #merwaine #season five #merlin spoilers #merlin gif thoughts

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