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yelenasdog · 4 years

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it was a pleasure to burn (spencer reid x fem bau!reader)

genre: fluff i think even though the name is v angsty LOL it’s a literal screenplay with the amout of dialogue i wrote LMAO so idk

summary: a particularly rough and disturbing case gets to reader, and spencer and reader are brought together by this.

words: just about 6k (my longest fic ahhHH)

warnings: typical criminal minds gore and violence just up a notch, they get on a plane at the end, somebody gets ~shot~, somebody gets ~bonked~, cursing, mentions of reid’s addiction, and i think that’s it. also the reader wears reading glasses but that’s the only predetermined factor of appearance. btw i don’t think i used any pronouns in this but i apologize if i’m wrong.

a/n: LMFAO i was outside awhile ago celebrating litha with a nice lil hike and i saw a butterfly and i had just started watching cm and was like hMMm... killer who’s obsessed with symmetry??!1??!? y Es. enjoy 😼 EDIT: THERE IS SO MANY PLOT HOLES OMG FBREHJBFHEJFRE IM RBFBRE

🂦∙🂦∙🂦

Present Day, Central Park, New York

“Aren’t they just stunning?” The unsub spoke, keeping her eyes trained on the butterfly sitting happily on her finger. The brightly colored creature fluttered off her hand that was dripping scarlet, flying around her curly head of brown hair. Her, formerly white, blood-stained dress flowed around her as she followed it, watching in awe as it soared about. She giggled, plopping down on the grass in the middle of a circle of her victim’s pale, lifeless bodies, all of them with ironically morbid butterflies resting upon the frail skin of the corpses.

“Aren’t they, agents?”

She slanted her green eyes, gripping the grass a little harder. I flicked my tongue over my lips nervously, looking over to the lanky man on my left. He simply shrugged, just about as sure of how to handle the situation just as much as I was.

“If I knew you all were coming, I would have cleaned up, I really would have, I promise.”

We slowly walked towards her, twigs and leaves crunching under our feet. It could have been comparable to a hunter stalking its prey, but it unfortunately was quite the opposite.

6 days earlier, Quantico, Virginia

“3 bodies, all found within the last 48 hours in rural New York. So far, the first body has revealed that although it was dumped upstate, the victim was murdered in the city, and the same most likely goes for the other bodies as well. Nails well manicured, no drugs in the system. They aren't junkies, we’re dealing with upper class citizens.”

My face contorted as I took the photos from Reid’s hands, his large and tanned one surprising me by how soft it felt as it accidentally brushed against mine. I blushed like a madman, looking to see him doing the same thing. I cleared my throat getting Rossi’s attention.

“Why are we only now hearing of this?” I questioned, flipping through the images as I did so, my confusion only growing. I didn’t recieve an answer, leaving my curiosity to bloom.

“Wait, how did you say they were killed again?”

Morgan looked up, taking the photos from me. “He didn’t.”

I sighed, pushing my glasses up on my nose.

“Is there at least any correlation between the bodies and the butterflies?”

Our attention was shifted to JJ, the resident expert on the insects.

“Actually, the ones being found with the bodies are from the Amarynthis family, all native to Latin America. They weren’t there by accident so yes, they’re somehow related.”

Rossi stood up, grabbing his coat.

“Well, none of this is nearly enough for a profile, so pack your bags and tell the others, wheels up in an hour. We’re headed to New York.”

4 days earlier, F.B.I. Field Office, New York, New York

“The final report from the latest victim is in, all the autopsies are clean. They show no signs of struggles, no marks, no blood, no anything. The eyes weren’t bloodshot, so suffocation is ruled out, and that was our best bet.”

I sighed, sliding the case file across the glass table to Spence as I took my seat, sinking into it and allowing myself to be consumed by its warmth.

“So what your saying is that we’re back at square one.”

I looked up at Hotch from where I sat, running my hand through my ponytail.

“Yeah. That’s what I’m saying.”

Just then, the young Doctor spoke up as he flipped through the pages.

“The eyes weren’t just not bloodshot, there was barely any blood left in any of the victims bodies, only about 3% of the volume left. The killer drained them.”

Morgan gave me a shocked expression, silently asking for an explanation.

“Which you failed to mention, Y/n.” Aaron spoke, agitation once again present in his voice.

I looked at the ceiling, crossing my arms in front of me before turning to face Hotch once more.

“Yeah, well, I thought it was obvious when I said no blood.” I stuttered out cautiously.

“On the bodies! Not in the bodies!” Morgan exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air in what was in my opinion, very childish. Everyone else in the room aside from Spencer was either shaking their heads or pinching the bridge of their noses, and reasonably so.

“Look, I’m sorry I just didn’t see it in the report, plus, In the scheme of things, it just doesn’t seem to matter.”

I soon regretted my words, realizing how ill-fit they were for the current conversation I was having. Spencer looked up, tilting his head.

“Doesn’t seem to matter? How? There’s an endless amount of possibilities now that we know this. If we had known it sooner we probably could have figured out the pattern and caught the one doing this!” He harshly spewed, his voice acting like a crescendo of sorts, quiet and calm and moving towards a loud and violent tone. Tears began to prick at the corners of my eyes and I was starting to feel guilty, not to mention absolutely stupid as could be.

“I’m- I really am sorry guys, truly.”

Hotch locked eyes with me, taking a stern tone that one would usually take with a disobedient child, perhaps even Jack.

“I hope that’s a comfort to you when another body shows up. That’s their blood on your hands.”

I was frozen, the gravity of the situation taking its toll.

In the background I heard him say something to Morgan about a new profile having to be made as there were many new things to be known from this revelation. But it all went in one ear and out the other, just unpleasant white noise.

As I clumsily stumbled out of the room, I felt Reid’s eyes burning holes into the back of my brain. I was quick to turn my head to meet his glance, causing him to look down. I felt bad, the weight on my chest growing heavier from the interaction.

I sat down at my desk, turning on my computer and immediately going to google. I typed in “hypnosis” and let the info trickle in.

About 30 minutes later, I still felt absolutely horrible, but I had also put together a valuable profile in the time that had passed. I shut the newly finished file, blowing an abandoned strand of hair out from my eyes. I had to do a double take when I saw Spencer staring once more, his deep hazel eyes meeting my own. I gave him a small smile before standing up and walking to Hotch’s makeshift New York office. I pushed open the heavy door, placing the folder on his too-clean desk.

“What’s this?” He asked, taking it in his hands.

“My theory about the unsub. I think I know what she’s been doing. You can tell the team if you want, I’m not sure if they would wanna hear it from me. ”

He gave a small smile, pushing the file back over to me.

“You get the team together and I’ll get the local PD caught up. You tell them yourself.”

A few minutes later, everyone except for Reid had gathered in the meeting room. I peeked through the half closed blinds that allowed a line of vision to his desk in an attempt to locate him. He was positioned there, staring blankly at his laptop that appeared to have nothing on the screen. I knocked on the window lightly to catch his attention, his glazed over eyes looking in my direction. I tilted my head at him, silently beckoning him to join me. He only shook his in response, shaggy brown locks swaying back and forth. I sighed, frowning at his action. I turned to the group, clasping my hands in front of me.

“Everyone, this will just be a second if you’ll excuse me.”

With a raised eyebrow from Hotchner and a jab in the direction of Spencer’s workspace, I swiftly walked out of the crowded room.

“Spence, care to join us?” I asked, resting one of my hands against my hip, the other on his orderly desk.

“No, I don’t think I will. I need to try to figure this out before she finds her next victim.”

“What makes you think the unsub is a she?” I searched his eyes that had seemingly become brighter at my piqued interest in his hypothesis.

“Well, the unsub seems to be obsessed with symmetry, all the bodies being found in obscure yet symmetrical positions. This could suggest she had some sort of deep rooted insecurity, possibly from some sort of bullying from growing up in a small town where she was looked at as a superior for subpar looks. She moved to the big city, expecting a big break. Instead she was shunned for being less than average. She grew frustrated and as a result, she began her killing spree. The stresser could have been one too many insults that made her snap. Plus, that would account for the butterflies left on the scenes that are used in modern examples of both femininity and symmetry.”

I smiled widely at his words.

“What- why are you smiling, what are you smiling at?”

I tapped his desk, rolling my bottom lip between my teeth. I headed back towards the conference room, looking over my shoulder.

“Because, I’m glad we’re on the same page, Dr.”

——————

“So, our girl, as Dr. Reid has explained to us, is obsessed with her appearance. She’s an organized killer, no mistakes and no signs of blood or anything of the sort on scene. She has practice, she does this sort of thing every day. She is most likely in the age group of 23-30, and has a job in the cosmetic industry, our guess is in plastic surgery. She probably volunteers weekends at local butterfly sanctuaries or zoos, finding comfort in their perfection that those in her life, or formerly in her life, cannot and could not provide.”

“Which would explain to her easy access to non-native species of the insects. She has an absolute infatuation with symmetry, which yet again, links the butterflies on the crime scene to her MO.”

Spencer and I were vividly explaining our shared theory to the team, as well as local law enforcement. He was excited by his discovery and the lead on the killer, and his energy was contagious.

“She kills without remorse and out of jealousy, picking victims who all have one thing in common.”

Spence pointed to all of the images pasted on the board in the center of the room, all of them split in half and reflected, creating a perfect mirrored portrait.

“They all have perfectly symmetrical faces, as well as strong jawlines and high cheekbones. As most of these victims are models or those searching to start a modeling career, we believe she is luring them in with a photographer trope, promising to make their dreams come true.”

I nodded, taking a moment to study Reid’s own sharp yet somehow soft features. I allowed my eyes to wander over his sunken in, kind, and curious eyes; his pillowy pink lips that are in dire need of some chapstick.

“Agent?”

I turned my head, snapped back to reality by Rossi calling my name.

I gave a tight and quick smile, returning to the topic at hand and tactics to catch the unsub. But of course not before Emily gave me a crooked smile, resulting in me rolling my eyes.

“Physically, she’s nothing special, most likely a mundane appearance or one with quite obvious surgical changes. No in between. Check all of the plastic surgeon offices in the area for both employees who fit our description, as well as a patient who has gotten any serious facial mod operations. Do the same for any weekend volunteers at local zoos and animal sanctuaries, specifically working with any insects.”

It was an NYPD officer then that spoke up this time, raising her hand briefly.

“But, you still haven’t mentioned how she’s killing them?”

“Hypnosis.” Reid and I both spoke at the same time. He looked to his black Converse, sliding his hands into his pockets. I observed the room and all of the skeptical faces filling it.

“Even if it may sound far fetched, we saw no signs of anything that indicated a struggle or even any marks or wounds. This led us to believe that some form of hypnosis was used to allow her an easy kill. This means extra caution will have to be taken when actually handling the unsub. Even though we’re positive she’s using hypnosis, which method she is using to actually kill them after the fact is what we’re unsure of.”

I turned to Spencer, handing off the explanation to him.

“We think that because of her whole thing with symmetry, she wouldn’t want to disturb the natural state of the victims and their faces, even if she would do the same to her own.”

“Which means?” JJ asked, her blue eyes slanted and glossed lips left ajar.

“It means that the unsub wouldn’t want to leave any large marks like stab or gunshot wounds.” I nodded at Prentiss, who had made the assumption, confirming she was correct.

“With her presumed background in plastic surgery, we believe she was able to make small incisions that made no visible scars. We’re having the coroner look back over the bodies as we speak.”

“She drains the body’s blood 97% of the way before closing the holes up. What she does with the blood, we don’t know. Another Eddie Mays, perhaps.”

I looked over to Spencer, raising my brows at his comparison. He was quick to defend himself, shaking his hands left to right and mouthing “No” while simultaneously shaking his head the same way, something he seemed to be doing often as of late.

After we had finished consulting with any officers who had remaining questions, we branched off to conduct our own routine investigations. We found that the only thing they all had in common apart from the symmetrical faces, is that they all had visited the Central Park Zoo in the 24 hours before they were killed. We received a phone call from Garcia not long after we put together those pieces, being alerted that there was one girl who had, in her words, “Hit every mark there was to hit, sunshine.”

“Her name is Alessia Copelas, she works weekdays as a surgeon's assistant at Premier Cosmetic, and weekends at Central Park Zoo from 4-8 p.m.”

I smiled at the new info from the blonde bombshell known as Penelope, turning to Reid who was still looking at me quizzically.

“Alright, thanks babes, you’re the best.” I spoke into the phone, a comical “Mwah!” made from either side as we hung up.

He shook his head, keeping the odd look on his face.

“I swear, you guys have a weirder relationship than her and Morgan.”

I laughed, sliding my phone into my back pocket.

“Oh, please, Spence.” I gingerly placed a hand on his cheek, patting it twice.

“You’re just jealous.” I made a pouty face, letting my hand linger before walking off. “Come on, we’re going on a field trip.”

“Where to?” He asked, gripping the door frame, using it as leverage to swing himself closer to me. He took long and quick strides, catching up to me in no time.

“You like animals, right?”

———————

4 Days Earlier, Central Park Zoo, New York

As soon as we entered the zoo, our ears were filled with the sounds of the loud screeches of birds and monkeys alike. Reid covered his ears, cringing and making his displeasure known with an “Ahh!”

I smiled at his geeky behavior, admiring the animals in the enclosures. I paid special attention to a particularly impressive species of tarantula, leaning down to admire them. A few moments later I looked to my left and saw Spencer doing the same thing.

“Did you know that arachnids have asthma which is why they don’t run for extended periods of time, similarly to cheetahs?”

“Yes I did.”

His face scrunched up in an adorable manner, causing an involuntary giggle to fall past my lips.

“Well did you know that-“

“Ma’am?”

I turned to see a young woman with flaming red hair and a freckled face smiling at me, her green collared uniform top complimenting her eyes of a different shade wonderfully.

“Oh, hi, I’m Agent Y/l/n and this is Dr. Reid, we’re with the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI.”

Her expression shifted to a more confused one, her smile not leaving her face.

“What can I do for you two?”

“Is there an Alessia Copelas that works here, maybe volunteers on the weekends?” Spencer asked, his puppy dog eyes immediately warranting a response.

“Yeah, she volunteers here, she seems nice. Is she helping with an investigation?”

“Well we think that she may have some part in a series of murders.”

Her smile disappeared this time, turning into a cement frown as panic flooded her body.

“Oh God, was she- Is she a killer? Have I been working with a killer for all this time? I mean, I never had any shifts with her but from what I heard I thought she was so sweet-“

“Look,”

Reid glanced down to her name tag that read “Lillian” before meeting her eyes. His tongue darted out, licking his lips, a nervous habit of his I’d picked up on.

“Lillian, we aren’t sure if she’s the killer we just needed to get a feel on her and get some information regarding her personal life.”

She started frantically nodding her head, more trying to convince herself she was okay rather than ourselves. I looked over her shoulder at some exhibits, thinking to myself how this would end up being a waste of our time if this poor girl couldn’t get a grip on herself.

I was soon proven wrong when I looked over to see a young girl wearing an identical uniform to Lillian, probably somewhere between 23 and 24. She had untamed chocolate locks with bangs that stopped just above the shoulder, blemishes covering her T-Zone, and a rounded face to go with it.

The cherry on top? Under her arm she carried a small enclosure with what appeared to be amarynthis meneria, the same butterflies found on the victims.

I tapped Reid on the shoulder once as discreetly as possible, catching his attention. I heard him mutter a small “Oh God” before he told Lillian to walk away calmly and quickly. She ignored his request, turning to look at Alessia, letting out a blood curdling scream and sprinting the other direction.

“Shit.” I cursed, beginning to walk towards Alessia, Spencer by my side. I smiled at her, trying to appear friendly. Reid spoke up as we got closer.

“Hello, do you by any chance-“

wham!

“Spence!” I exclaimed, reaching down to help him up from where he had fallen from being whacked by the 4’2 pyscho that was Alessia Copelas.

“Did she get away?”

I turned to see her gone, the only sign she was even here being the forming bruise on the Dr’s face.

“Yeah. She did. I’m sorry, Reid, that was really stupid of me.” He shook his head, running his own hand over the raw skin.

“It’s fine, I would have done the same for you.” He looked up, and I wasn’t sure if it was my school-girl esque crush on him or the fact I just had another experience with a serial killer, but my heart was racing nonetheless.

————————

F.B.I. Field Office, New York, New York, 1 Day Earlier

The stress levels in the room were high.

Despite our best efforts, several more bodies had been found, New York’s narcissists were in a state of panic, and the spirits of the BAU were down to say the least.

“What? Are you kidding me?” I exclaimed, looking at Hotch in disbelief.

He rolled his chocolate eyes, fanning the folder containing the new information we had gathered on Alessia.

“I wish I was, Y/n. She’s off the grid completely, her apartment is empty, phone and credit cards have been deactivated, and the surgeon’s office hasn’t heard from her for 5 days. And the media has decided to give her the name ‘Butterfly Baron’, so she’s probably been fueled even further. We need a new lead before she strikes again.”

I scoffed, standing up and pushing my chair away.

“This is unbelievable. How many times do we have to reinforce the idea to local PD! Especially when the unsub is a self absorbed psycho, do not give them a name! God, I really cannot fathom this.”

I reached up, letting my hair down from where I had messily thrown it up upon my arrival to work that morning.

I stormed out of the room, my heels clicking behind me. I ignored Hotch’s calling of my name, making my way to the closest restroom.

I went in, locking the door behind him. I ran my hands through my roots, tugging just enough to where it hurt.

Turning the water to the left all the way, I splashed it from the stream leaving the faucet on to my face. I scratched my fingernails against the skin, wiping away the tears that had escaped.

“This is all your fault, y/n.” I whispered at myself in the mirror, doing my absolute best to engrain the message in my brain. I had my head hung in shame when a knock rang out.

“Y/n?”

It was Spencer. My mind started going a million miles a minute, thinking about why he could be there. With my voice raised a few octaves, I tried to scrape up a response.

“I’ll be out in a few, Spence.”

It was quiet for a split second, leaving me to foolishly dance around the idea that he had left me to wallow in my sorrowful thoughts.

“Y/n, Hotch wanted me to check on you. Are you ok?”

My heart slightly sank at the idea that he might’ve just come to check on me because he himself was worried. I discarded the thought, bringing myself back.

“Y/n can you please answer me? If you don’t open the door I’m gonna send in JJ or Emily.”

I sighed, wiping under my eyes where my mascara had smudged, begrudgingly walking over to the door. Just as my hand landed on the silver handle, his voice that was constantly playing in my head echoed out once more.

“Y/n, please? I need to know you’re okay. I’ll come in there myself.”

A soft smirk graced my face as I turned the handle to reveal a worried looking Spencer.

“Y/n, oh God, you had me worried.”

He was quiet when he spoke and his hair looked messy, like he had been running his slender fingers through it in a stress filled state.

I sniffled, attempting to still keep back tears that were still threatening to spill.

“I’m alright, Spencer. Really, I’m fine.”

He gave me a small smile, his eyes meeting my own.

“I know, it’s just that when I had my Diludad problem,” he hesitated.

“I would lock myself in bathrooms to shoot up, and I know you aren’t having a problem like that but I just was worried about you- what are you doing?”

I cut off his rambling by throwing my arms around his middle. He tensed, but quickly melted. He wrapped his strong arms around my shoulders and my waist, laying his head on mine.

“Y/n, I promise you, you’re doing your absolute best to stop Alessia. We wouldn’t even be where we are right now if you hadn’t made the connections. Those deaths are not your fault.”

My tears finally began to cascade like a waterfall, staining his shirt.

“I know, but it’s just like it is all my fault! I could have paid closer attention, or-or, I could have went after her at the zoo, it’s all my fucking fault, Reid.”

I sobbed into his shirt, my hand gripping his shirt like my life depended on it. Like if I let go I would fall into a deep, deep, endless hole.

His hand on my waist moved up to cradle my head.

“It’s not, I promise you-“

He was cut off mid sentence by the ringing of his phone.

“I am so, so sorry-”

I pulled away, breifly touching under my nose with my wrist, then moving a hair behind my ear.

“Nope, it’s fine, don’t worry.” Our words almost had overlapped each other as we clambered to fight the tension that had risen. I closed my eyes, tilting my head up, thinking about how unprofessional yet intimate our previous position had been. How wrong, yet how right it felt.

I kept running the moment through my head, the feeling of his warm figure encasing mine on replay.

His phone call played as background noise to the film playing in my brain, his voice calming me to an extent.

“Yeah, we’re on our way. Thanks, Morgan.”

He closed the phone with a snap, also snapping me out of my trance, putting the movie on pause.

“They’ve got a hit. Copelas was seen dropping by her old apartment.”

And for the first time since that Goddamn case had started, I smiled genuinely.

“Let’s go get her.”

————————

15 Minutes Prior, Central Park, New York

“Hotch?”

“Yes?” He looked back from where he was driving, following our lead in a rushed manner.

“What will we do if she...” I trailed off.

“Hypnotizes one of us?” He finished for me. I nodded solemnly.

The look on his face was conflicted and it took him a moment to come up with a response.

“We kill her before we have to kill one of our team members.”

He saw a look of uncertainty on my face and spoke up once more.

“And that’s an order.”

I nodded again, making eye contact with him through the rear view mirror. I fell back into my seat, closing my eyes briefly.

After a few more minutes on the road, we had arrived.

The doors all slammed to the SUVs, one after the other as we stepped out.

“The letter said that she would be here, somewhere here.”

The voice of Morgan was channeling through my earpiece, referring to the letter found at her apartment that she had left just for us.

“We ordered evac on citizens, correct?”

The unsure voice of JJ was also heard through the earpiece, her uncertainty quite unusual to hear.

“Yes, it was the first thing we did, Jayj.”

I whispered, a sly smirk from Spencer forming at my behavior.

“Oh shut up.”

“I didn’t even say anything!”

snap!

Our senses adapted, becoming dialed to 11 at the sound of a twig snapping under someone's feet.

“Was that you?” I mouthed to Spencer. He shook his head no and I silently cursed to whatever force was listening.

I nodded, which he then reciprocated, the pair of us slowly walking towards the source of the sound after he did.

“They’re going to remember me, I’ll go down in history.”

The voice was sing-songy and quiet, floating through the air. I took a shaky breath, continuing my steady pace.

My breathing momentarily halted soon after.

Different variations of “Oh my God”s, and loud gasps from almost everyone on the team flooded my ear canal at the horrifying sight in front of us.

Red. So much of it.

“Guys, I think we know what she’s been doing with the bodies’ blood.”

“No shit.” I muttered under my breath.

She was bathed in the blood, it looked like something straight out of a horror movie.

“Alright everyone, I want you to approach her as quietly as possible, Morgan, if you get the chance, corner her.”

Hotch’s voice was a stark contrast to her own, Derek’s response all the same.

—————————

Present Day, Central Park, New York

“But Agents, you still haven’t answered my question. They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

“Alessia Copeleas, FBI, come on, get up, lets go.”

Derek’s voice was stern, not asking, but demanding that Alessia come with us.

“I’m afraid I just can’t do that, Agents.”

She stood up abruptly, causing all of our weapons to rise. The sun reflected off of the silver metal of Reid’s gun, sparkling in a stunning way that caught me off guard.

We all were trying to act as if we were in total control of the situation, but we could tell that us nor Copelas really believed that. Her words were her weapon, and this was the one time where words could hurt, but sticks and stones had virtually no power.

“Take another step and we will have no hesitation to fire.”

She smirked, rolling her eyes.

“If you do, will I be famous you think? You think they’ll hear about me back home?”

Her curls softly blew in the wind, making her appear almost harmless, maybe even endearing, if it wasn’t for the hardening coat of human blood soaking her clothes and seeping from her skin.

“Is that what you want? The kids back home and everyone here to hear about you? You want ‘Butterfly Baron’ written on every billboard in Times Square, your picture painted in museums, films to be made in your honor?” Reid was the one who spoke up this time, his voice remaining strong. Her eyes shone with a sickening excitement at what he said.

“You want to be famous?”

She nodded vigorously.

“Too bad.”

My eyes widened, surprised at the detour the conversation had taken.

“What-what do you mean?”

“Please, the only thing people will hear about is a sad, boring little girl from a small town who killed to feel better about herself. They’ll forget about you in a week, who knows, maybe they’ll even grow an infatuation with your town, someone you went to school with may get as lucky as to catch their big break!” He laughed, while Alessia looked absolutely devastated.

“You? You’ll be a nobody.”

“That’s not true! I’ll go down in history, and they won’t! I’m the fucking butterfly baron for hells sake! All these people?” She gestured towards her field of bodies.

“You won’t remember their names, maybe not even their pretty faces, but me? I’ll live forever.”

Her nostrils flared and she strode over to Reid with purpose. The safety on my glock clicked off, but Spencer motioned for me to wait. So I did.

“You know, Agent-“

“It’s Doctor.”

This visibly agitated her even more as she started her sentence over again.

“Doctor, you have a beautiful bone structure. Absolutely perfect. Symmetrical, not to mention just flat out stunning.”

A glaze formed over Spencer’s honey eyes at her words. He lowered his gun momentarily before turning towards me, Copelas doing the same.

“And you, Agent. Wow. I feel like I’m in an art exhibit, you’re gorgeous. I think the Doctor man here would agree.”

As he lifted his revolver at me, the situation became all too real as I understood what was happening.

I either had to shoot the man that I was struggling to admit I was beginning to love, or died at the hands of the very same man.

Tears flooded my eyes, all safeties were turned down, and all guns were pointed at Reid.

“Spence, please.”

My voice was weak, something that seemed to bring Alessia lots of joy.

She laughed before talking again, commanding Spencer.

“Pathetic, really! Spence”, she mocked,“shoot her.”

“No!”

bang!

whack!

---------------------

Present Day, Somewhere In The Sky, The Jet

I opened my eyes from where I had been tackled to the ground by Hotch, surveying my surroundings to see Alessia laying on the grass, the source of her gunshot wound non-distinguishable from the previous blood on her body.

I looked to the right to see where Spencer had crumpled to, his frame bent in a discombobulated position.

“Spencer!” I cried out, crawling over to him like some sort of dog,

“What happened to him?”

“Y/n, he was going to shoot you-“

“I don’t care you should have let him!”

I cradled his head in my lap, allowing my pent up tears to fall.

“Y/n?”

My eyes snapped open for real this time, my mind calmed at the sight of Spencer sitting next to me on the couch, gently shaking my shoulder in an attempt to wake me from my nightmare.

“Spencer! Sorry, was I too loud?”

He chuckled, gesturing to the rest of the sleeping plane around us.

“You’re fine, I wasn’t sleeping, I decided to reread ‘Fahrenheit 451’ for nostalgia purposes. And you weren’t that loud, you just looked like you were having a bad dream.”

I chuckled at the not-so outlandish idea in an attempt to diminish it from his mind and move on.

“I’m fine. But fun fact, I did have nightmares after reading ‘The Veldt’. Seriously, I don’t get how you can just reread Bradbury’s stuff all the time.”

The genius scoffed, starting a rant on how Ray Bradbury’s storytelling was just classic literature and deserved to be reread, thus successfully changing the topic as I hoped my statement would. Although soon after, he caught on much quicker than I would have liked him to.

“And not to mention, The Veldt alone could be seen as a forewarning to the 21st century and beyond, even Bradbury himself supported that interpretation-‘

I gave him a tired smile, enjoying his rambling like I always did.

“-and you totally just got me to change the subject.”

“I was wondering when you were gonna catch up.”

“Hey!”

He laughed as I rested my head on my hand, trying to fall back asleep.

“Really, I can tell those nightmares are bad. What’s going on?” He questioned, his tone empathetic and compassionate.

“It’s nothing, Reid. I just keep seeing in the park, when Alessia got shot and you-you got hurt but instead of getting up like you did in real life, you just…”

I trailed off, not wanting to relive the negative dream any longer for fear of the tears that were pricking my eyes escaping.

“It’s okay, that didn’t happen, I’m right here.”

He pulled me into a hug, allowing me to bury my head in the crook of his neck, his warmth consuming me once more, a sequel to the film from earlier.

“I know, but what if it hadn’t?” I asked as I pulled away.

He shook his head, reaching for his wallet.

“In this job, this course of work, we can’t focus on ‘what if’s’. In this job, we also get nightmares, all of us. It happens.”

He slid a picture over to me, it was of a happy family. The edges were worn from years of being carried, but the picture seemed loved.

“Gideon gave me that when my nightmares started. He told me about how those families we save everyday, and how that’s what makes what we do worth it. And I know you didn’t know Gideon personally, or the work on the specific case with that family, but I want you to have it anyway-“

I cut him off by throwing my arms around his neck, attempting to speak despite being muffled by his fluffy sweater.

“Thank you, Spence. Truly.”

I smiled, and I imagined he was doing the same.

“No problem y/n. Anytime.”

I moved my legs over to be tucked underneath my arms, leaning into Reid. He wrapped his arm around me, also leaning in. We both managed to fall asleep for the remainder of the ride in our state of content, but not before he managed to sleepily call out my name.

“Y/n?”

“Yeah?”

“When we land do you wanna go on a date or somethin’?”

I smiled at him, separating from his form just long enough to see that beautiful face of his.

“Without a doubt.”

🂦∙🂦∙🂦

AHAHAHHAHAHAHA I’M WAY TOO HAPPY WITH THAT LMAOOO but anyway chile-

i don’t have some long ass paragraph to write this time omg wig, i’m just proud asf of my work for once (except for the zoo part ngl kinda didn’t like it😳)

😛✨vibes✨ love u, xx hj

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lonelier-version-of-you · 2 years

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I’ve just been watching S14E01 again, and, god, I REALLY miss when the show had Henrik actually be held accountable for his actions as CEO.

Some random thoughts:

- This episode is REALLY blatant on the whole “Henrik is a surgeon at heart” thing. He even explicitly says as such at the start. “I’m still a physician first and foremost, after all.” Then there’s him rushing into theatre to help save a patient’s life when he’s supposed to be observing the surgery alongside Sir Fraser and the guy from the turnaround team.

He’s later paralleled with said turnaround team guy, who turns out to be a former nurse who went into management and now hates it: “I got into management out of frustration. I felt powerless. [Henrik: And now?] I think I feel even more powerless. At least as a nurse or a doctor, you can see the difference you’re making.”

The whole idea that Henrik is the perfect CEO and belongs in the office or whatever is literally a retcon from his second stint. His first stint is very clear that the CEO job is NOT for him.

- Two lines that really have not aged well:

Turnaround team guy: So we have to make absolutely sure the Plastics scandal was just a one-off, not part of a systematic failure of governance.

*cue a decade of Henrik’s systematic failures of governance*

And later:

Henrik in his email to the staff: I’ve never failed you yet, and I’m not about to fail you now.

He then proceeds to repeatedly fail them for 10 years.

- Also, was it just me or did Henrik seem to secretly fancy the turnaround team guy just a little? He was awfully flattered when the bloke told him “I’m sure you run a very tight ship” lmao.

- Elliot saying that the word he would use to describe Henrik is “challenging” still makes me lol; it’s pretty high up on the list of autism euphemisms. I’m sure Henrik has probably been described that way (or as “difficult”) before.

- I love Chantelle in this episode, even though she’s not in it much.

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gofancyninjaworld · 3 years

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OPM ‘Majin’ Drama CD Reviews. Part 1 – “Saitama, Makeover”

Summary: Dunning-Kruger, anyone?

Direct link here. Fair warning: don’t be drinking anything when you read/listen to it. It is utterly demented, in a good way.

So, Saitama’s minding his own business trying to score the best deal at shopping when a young lady approaches him with a fan letter. He’s deeply flattered... until it turns out that it’s for Genos. His disgust at this state of affairs is compounded by Genos tossing out the letter unread. Genos doesn’t do fan letters as they have nothing useful to say to him.

Saitama’s mood gets worse when Genos looks him up (at his behest) and the public image of Saitama is less than stellar: “I don’t remember this guy.” “Nothing special.” “Eyes of a dead fish.” And many more less edifying.

As it’s set between the first and second seasons, neither Saitama nor Genos have hero names yet and this gives them an idea. Since no one knows who Saitama is, what’s stopping him from picking a hero name and debuting on his terms?

Well, nothing. Except that between the two of them, they have less creative nous than an office full of auditors on hour 17 of their 3rd consecutive 18 hour work day. But since when did they let total incompetence stop them?

They look around at other heroes for ideas, throwing out the idea of handsome (Saitama’s budget being too low for plastic surgery -- ouch, Genos), mascots, and finally settling on cute. As cats are eternally popular, how about some cat ears. Saitama immediately procures some and yes, they do attract attention but keep slipping off. He asks, nay demands, that Genos get him some duct tape to keep them on his head.

It’s at this point that I stopped feeling sorry for Saitama.

As far as costume goes, heroes who have an athletic physique to show off like Tank Top Master and Superalloy Darkshine are very popular. Saitama has an athletic physique. So... and this is 100% Saitama’s idea... how about all the physique? But for his cape, Saitama strips himself naked, painting himself in the colours of his uniform. Genos has grave misgivings. Sadly these misgivings don’t rise to the level of saying ‘no’ and he keeps adding fuel to this fire.

You have got to listen to the section where the pair are workshopping what descriptors to add to Saitama’s introductory speech. It’s when you realise that a lot of the words are in English and that Genos knows what they all mean, but is tossing them in anyway that the full madness of this segment becomes clear. ONE is also having a poke at Engrish -- English words tossed in for the ‘coolness’, the equivalent of gratuitous French appearing in English.

And so is born the ultimate new hero: “The collapse of the final strength gestalt with endless possibilities - The lone wolf Saitama, the boiled egg (Terror! The monster-devouring cat man)” Yes, that is his new hero name. All that’s left is to find an actual monster.

This being City Z, monsters are never far away and one duly appears. The plan is for Genos to take it on, pretend to lose so that Satiama can swoop in, introduce himself with suitable bombast and send the monster to Kingdom come. Three problems. First, Genos turns out to be an outrageously shitty actor, which quickly turns this showing into farce. Second, Saitama has lost his notes and is fumbling around for them rather than acting. Third, the monster turns out to be actually strong meaning that playing around isn’t actually an option.

And then it starts to rain. The bodypaint isn’t waterproof. Technically it should be as otherwise it’d run when we sweat, but I guess that’s Saitama being a Saitama and going with what’s cheapest. So it is that having finally found his notes, with a horrified crowd and incredulous monster alike watching as paint drips off his bits, Saitama does his best to read the soggy notes that were supposed to mark his triumphant entry... heh heh

Meta: Don’t Fake It

Hoo hoo! I’m sorry, if you’ve still not read it, go read it. It’s so full of evil, evil zingers and the summary really doesn’t do it justice.

Let us establish that any endeavour that starts with the phrase ‘with the help of Genos...’ is not going to be a good one. Dude is like a chainsaw with no guards -- all enthusiasm, no safety.

Despite how disastrous this episode in Saitama’s life was, it’s also quite touching for me that he’s human. He sees the enormous disparity between the way he is treated and the way Genos is and he minds. Saitama doesn’t want to be rich and famous but being recognised and thought well of is important for him. It’s the biggest reason he joined the Hero Association in the first place and so far, it’s not been working out for him. So his grabbing at the chance to set his reputation properly ahead of getting a formal hero name made a lot of sense. It’s good to see that he gets envious, proud, irritated, can say cruel things in the moment -- he’s a person, a good person, but not a saint.

Authenticity is a theme that ONE comes back to frequently. Another is competence -- even if you’re competent in one thing, that doesn’t automatically carry over into other fields. He makes a lot of hay out of the fact that people often over-rate their abilities in areas they know little about. It’s almost axiomatic in OPM that if you hear someone bragging about an ability they have, they’re all but certain to be shown up. And when you put inauthentic and incompetent together, well... it’s funny to watch. So it is that Saitama, who fancied himself a creative, ended up naked in public in the rain. With bodypaint dripping off him. I’m sorry, the image has been indelible for months.

If you’ve ever wished you were less sensitive, look at Genos and be comforted. He has a legitimately thick skin and the way he lacerates Saitama with his words while not being in the slightest bit offended at Saitama’s comebacks is the opposite of life goals. His sharp-eyed notes on the whimsical and superficial nature of public opinion? Spot on.

Genos refusing to read fan mail on the basis that it’s not informative was an ‘oof’ moment for me. Fans often slam heroes for being too keen on public notice and admiration, but the converse is also painful. It’s sad to think that if the little girl he saved from the Deep Sea King sent him a thank you letter, he threw it away unread. It feels like he’s missing half the point of being a hero.

Speaking of the hero name specifically, the requirements that Saitama had for a hero name are actually satisfied by One Punch Man. But it’s not an obvious thing to hit on. All things considered, it’s just as well the Hero Association doesn’t appear to have heard of these antics, or at least not taken them into account when naming him. Or he’d have been Cat-Eared Baldie.

I can 100% understand why King needed to come into the picture. Between Saitama and Genos, they’re unable to muster even a pin-head’s worth of common sense. In particular, Genos doesn’t seem to be able to say no to Saitama and they just egg each other on. King brings a much-needed measure of sense checking to their dynamics.

#OPM #reviews #Saitama #Genos #audio CD #majin drama #those two fools #they need help

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purplesurveys · 3 years

Text

1165

survey by xxbieberburnham

A - Accidents

Have you ever been in a car accident? Very minor ones that only caused small dents, and nothing that wrecked either car or put someone in the hospital entirely.

Do you have a lot of scars? I have some, not a lot.

Have you been in a fist fight with someone? Nope.

Have you ever seriously hurt someone by accident? I remember striking my ex in the face accidentally while we were horsing around. She was wearing glasses at the time so she ended up getting a cut in the area in between her eyes.

Have you ever had stitches? No and like I always say, I hope I’ll never need to get them.

B - Beauty

Would consider yourself beautiful? Not beautiful, but I will feel pretty on some days. Not always, though.

Are you self consicous of how you look? These days not so much, because I don’t even get to go out in the first place and there’s been little need to fix myself up most days unless I’ll get on a video call for work. I don’t get self-conscious around my family either.

Do you wear a lot of make up? I never wear makeup.

Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? Nope. I considered having my breasts done when I was a teenager, but the thought literally never crosses my mind anymore.

What do you think makes a person beautiful? Physically, I think it differs per person. More than that, it’s the things they do when no one is looking.

C - Consequences

What is the longest you've been grounded for? Maybe around a year? Due to issues at home and, honestly, poor parental skills on my mom’s end, I ended up being a rebellious problem child and wasn’t the easiest to temper or raise.

What would you do if you became pregnant? Keep it and try to seek support from family and friends.

Do you ever think about how your actions affect people? Always a people pleaser, y’all. Of course I do.

What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you? I guess anything that involves taking away basic essentials, like cutting off access to food and water.

What is one thing you wish you didn't do because it wasn't worth it? Stayed in a relationship that I knew was going to end at some point. She always made it clear she’d end it one day and I was just too afraid of confrontation to face it sooner (and too stubborn to handle the truth).

D - Dealing

When you're mad at someone how do you show it? Cold shoulder.

Name a time when you had to be strong. The week of my grandfather’s death, wake, and cremation was on the same week of my entrance examinations for several universities, including the two toughest ones. I had already been in the headspace to just focus on the exams and shut out everything else for the meantime then the death happened, so my life turned into a rollercoaster of emotions quickly. I ended up entertaining relatives and fervently going through my review modules at the wake.

Have you ever dealt with divorce? Well I’ve never been married and I also live in a country where divorce is illegal, so no.

When people don't accept you, how do you react? It will definitely affect my self-esteem to an extent. I imagine being bothered by it.

Have you ever lost someone to death? Yes. Just yesterday I found out one of grand uncles did from Covid. We are very close with that side of the family, so I am still in shock and have yet to process it.

F - Family

Is there anyone in your family you don't talk to? I barely talk to one of my uncles and only do so when we greet each other at family gatherings. Still, I haven’t looked him in the eye for years now.

If you had to choose: friends or family? Probably my friends.

Do you have any siblings? Yes.

How often do you spend quality time with your family? Pretty regularly now with Covid still on the loose. We have dinner together every night, then after that we usually hang out in the living room doing our own thing. Also breakfast on weekends.

G - Growing

How tall are you? Do you wish you were taller or shorter? I’m around 5′1″. I’m fine with this height.

Do you think you've grown up in the past year? So much. I think my surveys show that too.

Do you think you're mature for your age or still childish? I want to say I’ve matured in some ways, but I don’t think I’m fully there yet. For one, I’m still scared to learn how to cook lol and I can’t even light up a match.

Are you scared to think that one day you'll turn 30, then 40 & 50? Sometimes I’ll get in those moods because it makes me realize how fast life is and how quickly people turn old. But I hate getting stressed and mulling over things I can’t control, so I also immediately return to the present and just enjoy where I am now.

Do you believe you still have a lot to learn? I’m barely in my mid-20s, so I know that for a fact.

H - Hope

Love - real or not? I want to say it’s still real. Some people just get lucky early, I guess.

Are you a pessimist or an optimist? Realist.

Do you believe in fate or that everything happens for a reason? I believe whatever things that happen are consequences of, or are at least linked to, what’s happened in the past – wherever that falls under.

Do you believe that after we die, your spirit is still alive? I don’t believe in spirits, so no.

What gives you hope when you just feel like dying? My next paycheck. Hahahaha

I - Idols

Who is your idol? I don’t have any.

What makes this person an idol to you?

Has this person done anything good to help other people?

Does this person have good style?

What does this person do for a living?

J - Jokes

Tell me an inside joke between you and your friends. “Packs a punch” is one of mine and Angela’s long-standing inside jokes. I think I’ve shared this story before, but basically in one lunch break in high school I was tasting this juice that one of our friends brought; I remarked that it “packs a punch” which no 16 year old Filipino student uses in a casual setting, so it quickly became a hit in our circle and now Angela brings it back semi-regularly to tease me.

Are you usually the person to make people laugh or the other way around? It’s mostly the other way around but occasionally I’ll be able to blurt out a joke that ends up working well.

Do you cry when you laugh hard? Haha yes. That’s the best kind of laugh.

Do you get in trouble for laughing or talking in class? Almost never. I hated causing trouble, and if I was ever called out in class it was always a classmate talking to me that I was just too shy to ask to keep quiet.

Are you good at making jokes? Depends on the person. I hold back if necessary.

K - Knowledge

The prupose of school: learn, hang with friends or cause trouble? Learn and gain new experiences, then gain friends.

Do people refer to you as dumb, smart or average? I dunno, you’ll have to ask them.

What kind of grades do you usually get? I mostly bummed around in high school just because I didn’t think grades from that early on in life wouldn’t matter in the long run, but I still did well enough to pass all my classes. I exerted a lot more effort in college since that’s when educational backgrounds start to matter, and got even better results from there.

What is your favorite subject to learn or talk about? History.

L - Love

Are you currently in love? Nope.

Do people around you show a lot of love? The people in my life who’ve chosen to stay, yes.

Is love worth it? Not always, but yes, mostly.

Do you hate it when people say "I love you" & they've been dating for a day? It might confuse me a bit since I personally don’t take that phrase lightly; but I wouldn’t be one to judge.

Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone or is it just a word? Like I said, it takes a lot for me to be able to say it. The two times I dated my ex she was always the one who ended up saying it first.

M - Money

Do you believe money makes the world go round? Yes, and that it can buy happiness.

How much money do you have on you now? I’ve been using paper money less and less frequently now, actually. I’m all cashless these days, so my wallet is literally all out of bills and the coins there are probably just piled-up centavos I’ll never use.

Are you saving up for anything? My birthday treat. I already somewhat failed lolol - I got BTS coffees, Ivy Park shoes, and four boxes of wings just this week, but I told myself I am no longer touching my bank account until it’s time to pre-order food for my birthday.

Would you rather win 1 million dollars or find true love? Give me the million dollars. 50 million pesos would last me like ten lifetimes.

On a scale 1-10, how important is money to you? 10.

N - Nothing to lose

Would you ever go on a game show? If it’s a game show I enjoy watching, like Jeopardy or Family Feud. I might not be interested if it’s anything else I’m not too familiar with.

Do you play the lottery? Never.

Ever been to Las Vegas? Nope.

Have you ever made a bet and then lost? Nah, I don’t really make real bets; I just use the saying with my friends but we never follow through with real money.

Do you give your all in a relationship? To a fault.

O - Openess

How long does it take you to open up with someone? It depends on how long it takes for me to be comfortable with them...some people can seem standoffish, so I’d be wary about opening up about my life to them out of shyness and uncertainty if they’d be down for such a conversation. Then others can be rays of sunshine who are very easy to talk to.

What does it take for you to fully trust someone? If they’ve proven to be reliable in crises. I’ve always said I’m more of a follower than a leader, so if I see that someone’s capable of handling any sort of issue that I can’t find a way out of, I will find it a lot easier to start trusting them.

Do you trust people too easily? Probably.

Are you comfortable with everyone? Definitely not. I like keeping my circle small.

Do you tell your parents and friends everything? Just my friends.

P - Positive

Is your outlook on life positive or negative? I like to keep it positive but still grounded to reality at the end of the day. I don’t wanna drag myself down with my mindset, but I also don’t want to give myself exuberantly high expectations.

Have you ever had a moment with someone & it didn't end positively? I’ve had very few negative one-off experiences with some strangers, but yes, they’ve happened.

Do you agree with: best to have loved than never loved at all? As negative as my experience turned out to be, I still think it’s better to experience love. I grew up in a lot of ways and also learned new things about myself because I loved.

Do you see most things as negative or positive? Idk, depends on how they realistically look like.

Has anything bad happened but something good came from it? Yes.

Q - Questions

When faced with a problem, do you solve it on your own or ask for help? Ask for help.

Do you like to take quizzes? Maybe not quizzes but surveys.

If you could ask the president one question, what would it be? When he plans to stop being a disgusting misogynist pig. And also if he has an actual Covid response action plan because I am not seeing anything fucking moving in the last year.

When someone does something wrong do you ask them about it or let it go? Depends on how close I am with them, or how attached I am to the issue.

Do you own plaid shorts? Not shorts but skirt, since I had to wear a school uniform in my old school and our school skirt was plaid.

R - Respect

How do you show respect for someone? I talk nicely about them, even (and especially) behind their backs. I also refuse to act or talk like a superior around them.

What can someone do to lose respect for them? If their stances on politics and certain advocacies are questionable; if I see them treating any employee under any industry shittily; and if they excessively badmouth people behind their backs.

Do you respect your parents, teachers or authority? Yeah. I’m afraid of getting into trouble and being reprimanded, and I always like looking good in superiors’ eyes so I’ve always been a bit of a goody two shoes.

If you're disrespectful to your parents, whats your punishment? I’m 23, have a full-time job, and give them a portion of my salary twice a month so they know they can’t really do anything about it anymore lmao. I’ve definitely noticed they’ve cut back on sermons directed to me. The most that can happen these days is that I would get a mild scolding, but that’s it.

If someone is mean to you, are you mean back? Of course, but I do it very passive-aggressively. I want to make sure I get the last laugh.

S - School

If you're still in school, what grade will you be going into? Not in school anymore and no plans to apply for a postgraduate course any time soon.

When will you graduate high school/college? I graduated high school in 2016, college in 2020.

After high school, what do you plan on doing? I went straight to college, as is the common practice here.

Do you like or hate school? I honestly enjoyed it for the most part; the only thing I really had a problem with was the demanding schedule and workload – back in college, I frequently had classes at 7 or 8:30 AM (which required me to start driving by 5 or 6 AM) and then I had extracurricular activities that would end at 10 PM at the very latest; meaning I was usually in my university for 17 hours every weekday.

The upside to all of this is that I got to attend my dream school and was surrounded with my close friends, so despite the taxing schedule I have little to no complaints about my college experience, even in retrospect.

Have you ever been expelled or suspended? Never.

T - Temptation

Have you ever done something wrong but inside it was okay? Sure, I’ve definitely had my sneaky moments. Some of them I felt guilty doing and decided I’d never repeat, like cheating on a test; some of them I felt like needed to be a part of my youth years to enjoy life a little bit more and so I was ok doing them, like skipping classes to go see my girlfriend at the time or hang out at a bar with friends.

Has anyone ever pressured you to smoke or drink? I never like using the word pressured because my friends were nothing but. They did invite me to try out drinking and smoking, but they never forced me to do anything I was uncomfortable with. My decisions were always mine to make at the end of the day.

Did you ever cheat on someone? Never.

Do you give into temptation easily or are you independent? I think I’m a good balance of it? like I will say I’m influenced easily, but I still have the self-restraint to refuse things I’m adamant about avoiding.

U - Unique

Do you do a lot of things because your friends are? That’s the case sometimes, but not for all.

Do you follow trends or do whatever you want? Again, I can be both. It’s nice to like things that can be my own thing, and it can also feel cool to follow trends because it’s easier to relate to others who are into the same things.

Do you give in easily to peer pressure? No.

What makes you different from people your age? I dunno if there is anything that sets me apart. You’d have to ask other people.

V - Value

What's the most expensive thing in your room? Right now, probably the laptop I was given by my employer for work. I never use it though because my laptop works just fine, and I’m already used to how my own laptop works like and feels like; I have little time to get accustomed to a new laptop, given how hectic my work schedule is. It’s also an older MacBook Pro model, so I don’t want to use it even more than it’s already been used by past employees. I had to sign some contract that basically tells me I have to pay for it if I ever do some damage to it, and the current value is a little above P50,000.

What's more valuable: your life or the ones around you? Others’. But I’m also slowly learning to value my own as well.

What's something you value? Not because it’s expensive but it means a lot? Handwritten letters and notes from friends. Ever since I got a corkboard for Christmas last year I’ve been saving up the ones I’ve received and putting them up on the board; I hope to one day fill it up.

If there was a fire in your house/apartment what would you grab? Kimi. Someone else in the family is in charge of Cooper.

Do you think the past or future is more valuable? I think the present is, actually.

W - Wishes

If you had three wishes, what would they be? A sushi platter, a box of macarons, and my bank account replenished hahaha.

Would you rather wish yourself to be happy or others? Again, others’.

Do you believe that wishes come true if you really believe? Sure, but you also have to do something about them if you really want them to come true. Things won’t always come your way.

Have you ever had a wish come true? Yes.

Do you find wishing on things to be a waste of time? Not really; it makes me feel hopeful and gives me a reason to keep doing the things I’m doing.

Y - You

Are you more independent or social? Social. I love being around people. But I also like recharging by myself.

What's something that makes you mad when you see it? Animal abuse, more than anything.

Do you have potential to do anything you want? I hope so.

Do you believe people are born a certain way? No.

What color are your eyes? Dark brown.

Z - Zest

Are you currently happy with your life? I could be doing more if the pandemic wasn’t around, to be honest. But given how much has happened and what I’ve been through, I’m still happy with what I have for now.

When change occurs, do you get scared? Yeah, I’m very resistant to change and I try to avoid or outright deny it as much as possible. I know it’s a problem point of mine that I have to fix.

Do you like to try new things or meet new people? Try new things, yes always. Meet new people, not all the time.

What is the most motivational thing on earth? Money.

Do you have a motto? Nope.

Last questions

Do you hate how the letters on the keyboard aren't in ABC order? No, I’ve long been used to the QWERTY order and never found myself complaining about it either at any point.

Do you drink water? ...What?

What did you have for breakfast? I skipped it today, but this morning I did have a box of these chocolate Korean snacks that was part of the ~care package~ she had sent over to my house last Thursday.

Do you like convertibles? They’re cool. I don’t need to have one of them, but they look nice.

Do you like the American or British way of spelling words? I don’t have a preference in the sense that I dislike one of these, but I tend to follow American spelling.

What colors are on your country's flag? Blue, red, white, and yellow.

Can you skateboard? Nope, I haven’t even tried getting on one.

Do you like long hair? Sure, but not too long.

Do you like Fiber One bars? I’ve never tried them but judging from the name I doubt they would be favorites of mine.

What does your sleeping bag look like? I never need to use a sleeping bag, so I don’t have one.

Do you like to save your results after a survey? Yep, which is why I opened a Tumblr for it.

Do you like Sour Patch Kids? Just some flavors. I leave the other ones because I find them too sour for my liking.

If you could have your own show, what would it be about? Fooooooooooood triiiiiiiiiiiiiiip.

Ever rode on a jet? Not yet.

#survey #surveys

2 notes · View notes

norbaum · 3 years

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but when you 𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘵 the light i 𝑅𝐸𝒜𝐿𝐼𝒵𝐸...

𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐆:

✧ ( jack gilinsky + 21 + cis male + he/him ) — did you see 𝐍𝐎𝐑𝐖𝐀𝐘 ‘𝐍𝐎𝐑’ 𝐁𝐀𝐔𝐌 walking down 3rd ? rumor has it they are a 𝐁𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐑 @ 𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐄 & 𝐀 𝐒𝐓𝐔𝐃𝐄𝐍𝐓 and have lived in 𝟐𝟐𝟑 e 66th st 𝐀𝐏𝐓 𝟒𝟎𝟏 for 𝐀 𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐑 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐀 𝐇𝐀𝐋𝐅. i’d describe them as ( 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙-𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙚𝙙 ) but ( 𝙜𝙪𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙗𝙡𝙚 ), and when they pass by i’m always reminded of 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐒 𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐘𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐎𝐍 𝐀𝐍 𝐈𝐂𝐄 𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐊, 𝐀 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐌 𝐋𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐇 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐎𝐊𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐍, & 𝐀 𝐅𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐃 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐇𝐎𝐎𝐃𝐈𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝟏𝟎 𝐃𝐄𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐄 𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑. ( ollie, 22, they/them, est )

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒:

one half ( the younger ) of the baum twins — the self-proclaimed christmas tree twins but really, it’s their parents’ fault ; works the first shift at the sunrise baking the bulk of goods for the day && has a love for baking in general ; a senior at NYU studying an individualized track of architecture ; a kind soul who genuinely means well even if he misses the point a bit ( read : a himbo ).

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘:

— norway baum was born in a buffalo, new york hospital two minutes and forty-three seconds after his sister fir baum, and unlike his sister, did not scream upon his arrival into the world. it snowed on that december night, CHRISTMAS EVE, an irrelevant fact considering the baums, jewish in heritage, did not celebrate. their parents knew quite in advance that their family would be increasing by two, so it’s anyone’s guess why instead of picking nice normal names for their children they settled on ( as the twins would realize as they got older ) two versions of what amounted to christmas tree.

— nor supposes he ought to be thankful they didn’t name him spruce, because at least norway ( despite also being a country ) could be shortened to a mildly acceptable nickname. instead they graciously made that his middle name leaving every time he gets carded to be an adventure in dubious looks as someone read “norway spruce baum” across the shiny plastic.

— the twins’ entrance into the world would remain a blueprint for most of their lives, fir — the feral child, nor — the calmer but dumber one ; though unlike predicted, they did not balance each other out ( at least in the sense that their parents hoped ). instead it was excruciatingly obvious from the moment they were capable of semi-complex thought that they would be absolute hellions together.

— they grew as thick as thieves as they got older, outgrowing the hellion age soon enough, but only to enter the scheming menaces phase that some may argue they still haven’t left. there were times they had their differences, sure, but in the end they never amounted more to a ripple in the ocean, quickly forgiven and on to the next grand thing.

— they were raised very comfortably in a large house some might consider a mansion ( a modest one at that ), having been privileged enough to be born into the lower upper class. the baums were a rather practical family all the same, in spite of the big house and healthy number of zeros in their bank account, raising their children to be humble, polite, and hardworking : for the most part succeeding ( hardworking might be a matter of perspective ).

— for high school, they attended the local prestigious private co-ed school, nichols ; nor apparently not quite as dumb as everyone seemed to think considering his passing of the entrance exams and decent grades to back that up. nor graduated from nichols ranked surprisingly well, thanks to apparent natural abilities in math and physics.

— college was a toss up, but the choice quickly become a no-brainer when fir was also accepted into NYU. move-in day was a flurry of excitement, most notably the first time the twins would be living ( somewhat ) apart in different dorms thanks to random housing placement and a no co-ed room policy. that excitement lasted about six days for nor, when he became frustrated with the fact that his new roommate, though by almost all accounts PLEASANT, could not seemingly read his mind.

— several other factors, one of which was definitely not separation anxiety, lead them to room together with a few of their mutual friends their sophomore year, and then seek an apartment together the summer before their junior year.

— the 66th st hadn’t really been somewhere nor had frequented, though the neighborhood was known to be affordable and good for students seeking reasonably priced apartments. besides, the apartments were nice, not such a bad commute from school, and they both needed jobs if they wanted to continue to continue to have fun : for though their parents’ generosity extended to both their tuition and rent, it did not extend to spending money.

— in spite of their chaotic energy, they somehow landed one of the apartments on the block and moved in the beginning of august before their junior year ( august 2019 ).

𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂:

— nor is one of the bakers at sunrise on weekdays and saturdays, likely with the 4 am shift that makes the bulk of the baked goods for the morning rush. he also helps with the counter if needed when the shop opens. he’s kicking down the door of 401 a little after 9 am on weekdays just in time to bring fir breakfast and go to class, and noon on weekends. he’d always been a bit of an early riser ( though 4 am isn’t really an acceptable time for anyone, it’s something he’s grown accustomed to ), and luckily functions well on just five hours of sleep or so. he is prone to taking about an hour and a half nap in the afternoons, though. he does enjoy his work, especially walking through the near abandoned corner at the wee hours of morning.

— at NYU nor studies an individualized track in architecture through the gallatin school of individualized study ; his track combines studies in architecture with structural classes in the tandon school of engineering so he can better understand practicality and the importance of structural-based architecture.

— has played hockey since he was quite young and the baums were looking for some way to burn off his energy. a sports town like buffalo it was a pretty obvious choice. he played up through high school, until an injury and two surgeries near the end of his junior year pretty much put an end to any serious athletic scholarships to a hockey school. he still played his senior year, but was advised against the rigors of college hockey. it was also in this time that he discovered his love of baking. he has played for fun nearby on one of the beer league teams the past couple years.

— as mentioned above, he really started to get into baking end of his junior year and senior year when he was either in recovery or benched a lot and wanted to contribute something. he bonded with one of his grandmothers over this time and he definitely loves making her recipes even now !! he’s also definitely the type to make baked goods for the neighbors. he started out beginning of last season at sunrise just doing regular cashier stuff but in a pinch when they were running low on something popular and they didn’t have any bakers on hand he was able to whip up a batch and saved the day and after that his manager asked him if he wanted to be one of the bakers.

— of the two of them, nor is the one more likely to cook, but they probably still rely a bit too heavily on ordering take out ( they are trying their best ).

— nor is quite neat, but more due to the fact he doesn’t own very much for things to get messy.

— has plants in his room and absolutely talks to them

— probably falls asleep while rewatching episodes of the great british bakeoff every night.

— sings in the shower and hums or sings quietly under his breath when he bakes. he’s really not that bad but he definitely lacks the creativity to do songwriting or talent to play an instrument so don’t ask.

— fir and nor have successfully gone to each other’s classes before despite being fraternal, most notably the longest gambit they ran sophomore year of high school where nor went to fir’s math class and she went to his history class and they kept it up until parent-teacher conferences in october ( something they had forgotten to take into consideration ) and their scheme was then exposed and they were subsequently grounded.

— he’s not straight and very much just loves who he loves. that being said, his tendency to look past people’s flaws and hand out second chances has gotten his heart broken a few times and has resulted in fir taking to examining anyone he shows the vaguest interest in under a microscope ( and possibly taken to interrogation ).

— fir and nor co-run the most chaotic tik tok @xmastreez. it has no real purpose or direction and mostly consists of capturing random shenanigans of each other, themselves, or random people. they have a modest following.

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘:

— put bluntly, nor is a rather kind and gentle soul ; he tends to want to see the best in people and that leads to him coming across rather naive. that may be true in a sense, but it’s less due to ignorance and more that he hasn’t let any hardship or heartbreak get in the way of his worldview. the exception to this is of course anyone who has hurt fir ; you will then learn that he’s very good at holding grudges too.

— nor isn’t someone to worry about the future very much. there was a point early in high school when he did, but after the injury his junior year, he took on a very one week, one day at a time sort of mentality. he is quite happy to live in the moment for now.

— he’s a hard worker, but only when it comes to things that he likes or wants to learn. he’ll put 100% into anything he deems worthy : his baking, hockey, certain classes of study, but try to get him to read something he doesn’t want to or learn something he dislikes and he will become the biggest slacker you have ever seen.

— he and fir bounce well off each other and though nor may be the more responsible one, it’s clear that fir is more of the leader of the two and that his resolve when it comes to his sister’s absurd ideas is not very strong. that being said he can be very protective of fir ( though not overbearingly so ), in a way that can be seen as quite endearing.

— nor is smart, but only in the context of his classwork. outside the classroom or the bakery, and especially in day-to-day interactions, nor just seems to be lacking a certain brand of common sense.

— honestly he’s a fucking himbo. need i say more.

𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄:

— 5′11″ ( one inch taller than fir, a fact hotly contested between them and many times a moot point considering she likes to wear heels ), rather fit thanks to keeping up hockey as a hobby.

— brown eyes, skin that tends to always look a little sunkissed even in the middle of winter, dark brown hair that fluctuates in length, sometimes a bit short, usually a bit longer so that it starts to curl slightly.

— style : he likes black skinny jeans or semi-fitted army green pants that probably get covered in flour too quickly but he wears them to work anyway, and fitted t-shirts in any color. he’s a fan of hoodies, cycling through an old nichols hockey one, an adidas branded one, and a newer nyu sweatshirt he got when he committed to the university. he considers hoodies adequate enough for most of the winter, and hey he’s never really gotten sick from walking to class in just that so why change ?? though he may on occasion throw on a denim jacket over a hoodie. he wears practical boots when it isn’t too hot ( unlike his sister ). — ref: yes, yes, and yes

— jewelry : nor’s not one for accessories, limited to a couple simple silver necklaces and an analogue watch with a brown leather band that probably takes him a little too long to read.

— scars, tattoos, etc : no tattoos ; a small well-healed scar over his left cheekbone from a hockey accident ( near invisible and most people don’t know it’s there unless they’re close or looking ), several other small scars on his legs and hands that he can’t recall what they’re from ; small birthmark on the outside of his right thigh.

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒:

🎵i wanna ~𝘷𝘪𝘣𝘦~ with somebody🎵 🎵feel the ᶜʰᵉᵐ with someboᵈʸʸʸʸʸʸ🎵

𝐎𝐎𝐂:

hello everyone !! i’m ollie ( 22, est, they/them pronouns ) one of your admins. i am pretty much always on discord so hmu there pls, thank you so much for joining 66th, and i can’t wait to vibe w you all !!!!

#66th.intro

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nyx3927 · 4 years

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So I’m a big fan of looking at a story from the antagonist’s POV. I’m also a big fan of musicals in general. Recently, I got back into the Mean Girls musical which lead me back to the movie.

I’m saying this now, none of the characters were good people at all. The Plastics were bullies pure and simple. Cady was a jealous/lovesick girl who didn’t know how to interact with her social peers on account of being homeschooled by scientists with no interaction with others of her age group. Janis was a revenge seeker who hated the Plastics and Damian was really just a side character.

There was one set of scenes that really hit me. When Cady was slipping Regina the “Swedish nutrition bars” under the guise that she would lose weight but in reality it made her gain weight.

Regina most likely prided herself on her beauty and saw that as the only thing that kept her at the top of the social pyramid. That sort of reliance, one in which you believe that your value is solely determined by your physical appearance, creates a very unhealthy relationship with your body. And her mother didn’t help with her obsession with staying youthful and cool, so she did everything including plastic surgery and refusing to set boundaries to stay that way. We saw part of the fallout from the bars in the dress scene and that just made me continue thinking.

Regina almost definitely struggles with body image issues and possibly more depending on how far down the rabbit hole you dare to go. So look at this from Regina’s POV, she’s the queen of school, has the jock boyfriend and an exclusive clique that everyone wishes to be in. She’s getting ready from prom only to be told that she has moved up multiple dress sizes in mere months, about 3 if I have the timeline right, despite eating “weight loss” bars.

As someone who packed on about 20 pounds of muscle(not fat) in about 6 months through walking everywhere, horseback riding, and working in a restaurant(you get in shape quick at a restaurant from running orders and food or you get fired for not being productive enough) while retaining my general body shape, it still took a toll on my mind when I realized how much I gained because I’ve been bombarded with the idea that as an AFAB I need to remain under a certain weight to be considered “attractive” to society. This was definitely prevalent in 2004 which is when the movie is set.

So if Regina gained fat which changed her body shape, she probably had more of a reaction than just blaming Cady for the Burn Book. She probably had some self-loathing/self-hatred, disgust, anger, sadness and more all wrapped up in a tight ball under her rib cage. Especially when it sank in that one of the only people that she considered close to her level (she was at the top of the pyramid and only interacted with maybe 3-4 students on the regular) was the one that did this to her. So let’s add in betrayal and regret to the ball, along with some desire for revenge and probably should some disappointment in herself for ever trusting Cady in the first place.

In conclusion, all of the girls were bitches in this movie and equally vile to one another. However this train of thought has lead me to have more sympathy for Regina and what she went through in this movie.

#analysis #mean girls #musical #movie #regina george #cady heron #antagonist #point of view #pov #different sides #body image #mental health #issues #fallout

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dyscrasia-eucrasia · 4 years

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Part 5

<<Prev | Next>>

Like every day, Angel woke up to an alarm at noon. And, like every day, he considered sleeping in. But he'd established that his Instagram stories started updating at 12:30, and he refused to break that routine.

He dragged himself out of bed and over to the kitchen. He was in a bulking phase, which meant that at least he got to eat a lot of calories, but even then he had to check the notebook he kept next to the fridge to make sure he was hitting his macros. Breakfast wound up being oats made with peanut butter, greek yogurt, and protein powder. It was ugly to look at and nearly as bland, since there was no sugar to liven up the flavors. That was the sacrifice that he had to make for the sake of his physique - giving up basically everything that tasted good and living on a diet of peanut butter, chicken, and brown rice.

After he finished choking down his breakfast, he had to take a minute to search his apartment for his wireless earbuds. He popped them in his ears, grabbed his phone, perched himself on the window sill, and proceeded to take a dozen selfies, all with slight variations, until he got the perfect one of himself turned just slightly towards the window, his earbuds clearly showing, the street outside visible but artistically blurry. It took him a few more minutes in Facetune to edit out the puffiness under his eyes and a blemish that was forming on his chin, not to mention lighten his skin and up the saturation of the blue dye in his hair. He needed a dye touch-up, but no one on Instagram needed to know that.

It took him a few more minutes to craft his story post, carefully weighing the benefits of a filter that gave him dog ears and deciding how many emojis he wanted to use.

Then of course there was the matter of what to say in the story. His first post of every day was a 'song of the day' post. It took him a minute to think of what song to use. Ultimately, he wound up writing: 'Listening to Bad Guy today! Love Billie Eilish!' and then took another minute to choose the exact font style, color, and positioning.

He hadn't actually been listening to Billie Eilish. He liked her music, sure, but lately he had been on a nostalgic kick, listening to nu metal. But it wasn't #relatable to post about listening to Coal Chamber. How many people even remembered that the band existed? Certainly none of the e-boys that followed Angel's account.

No, Angel's brand didn't work with a maligned, forgotten genre from the late 90s. He'd made a name for himself as goth-lite. Not really goth, but not an e-boy either. Rather, he was just a touch edgy, but still firmly in the mainstream gay community.

All the more reason to keep Bacchus to himself. It was totally against his brand to go to shows with mosh pits.

'Tell me what song you wanna see me pole dance to!' He added to the post, making a comment field for people to respond. Within seconds, answers started to pour in, mostly Top 40 sex jams.

He spent a little longer scrolling through Instagram, commenting on videos from other dancers. Every comment was upbeat and encouraging, even if he thought their dancing was a bit shit. There was no room to be critical on social media. He had to treat everyone as if they were his best friend, even if he didn't know them. He was still building his following, and any drama could ruin that.

His DMs were full, as usual. Most of them were thirst-DMs, a couple were shady sounding guys offering to be his manager. Nothing interesting enough to respond to.

A notification popped up at the top of his screen from Grindr. He automatically tapped it to go to the app, only to be greeted with a blurry dick pic. He wasn't against dick pics, but they had to have a bit of effort put into them. This one was just lazy. The guy didn't even look like he was hard.

He tapped the back button to look at the rest of his messages. A lot were dick pics. Some were asking for a hookup. One was a message from a guy he'd hooked up with a few days ago, saying that he had a nice time and asking if he wanted to get together again.

The guy had been alright. A nice enough bodybuilder who had been surprisingly gentle and considerate during sex. But his personality had been as bland as the meal-prepped chicken sitting in Angel's fridge. Angel knew he could do better. But it never hurt to have the guy on-call as backup if he felt the need to get laid right away, so he snapped a selfie and sent it to him, with a short note that simply said, 'I had fun!'

With that, he'd had enough social media, and it was almost time for his workout, anyways.

Thirty minutes later, he met with his personal trainer. He paid a hefty fine for one of the best trainers in the city, someone he trusted to help him sculpt his physique without making comments about trying plastic surgery. His trainer was cute, nice, and painfully straight, which was something Angel had specifically looked for. He didn't want to be distracted by a guy who may or may not be interested in fucking.

Like always, working out kicked his ass, and like always, he took a sweaty selfie in the locker room mirror with his shirt lifted to show his abs and posted it on his Instagram story.

His day was far from over, though. He had to stop by the smoothie shop and take a photo of his smoothie - milk, whey powder, greens, banana, and peanut butter - and then go out and take photos around town until he found something that made it look like he was doing something interesting that day. He eventually found a corner of a building that had been tagged with a dozen Mothman stickers and snapped a selfie in front of it, captioned it 'Hanging out with my fellow spooky kids!' and posting it to his main Instagram.

And then the boredom set in. He didn't really have anything planned for the day, and he still had plenty of time before he had to go to work. Sure, he could go home and put on some makeup and take artful thirst-trap selfies, but he'd done that so recently. He didn't want to make his Instagram nothing but thirst-traps - he had to make sure he was attractive to multiple types of brands if he ever wanted a sponsorship.

The thing was, trying to be an Instagram star was lonely. He had friends, but they were either work colleagues - and thus rivals - or other micro-influencers. All their conversations were about collabs and SEO and ways to boost engagement. To outsiders he no doubt looked like he lived a lavish and incredibly fun lifestyle as a stripper, but they didn't see the day-to-day boredom or the awkwardness behind running into people who knew him from the club out in broad daylight.

He wanted someone to talk to who wasn't a part of all that bullshit.

Of course, as soon as he had that thought, he realized that he wanted to talk to Demie again.

He wasn't sure if he should. He'd just called him that morning, after all.

It wasn't that he was worried about coming off as desperate, but more that he was worried about scaring Demie off. He was absolutely certain that Demie was gay, but he was also sure that Demie was a country boy, and country gays were different from city gays. Country boys had such an endearing gee-shucks quality about them, like they were trying so hard to be beer-drinkin', truck-drivin' bros, but they were just a little too soft-spoken and shy for that.

Demie - from what Angel could tell - was a guy who wanted to be cool to other men but who was also painfully nervous around them.

It was absolutely adorable, and Angel wanted so badly to get him into bed.

But getting that kind of guy into bed was a challenge. It was like hunting a deer. Move too fast or too loudly, and he'd run off into the woods.

Or so Angel assumed. He'd never actually gone hunting. That was too much a white person thing to do.

Fuck it, he decided. Demie was the first real connection he'd made in a long time. And it wasn't like he was asking for a hookup. He just wanted to talk.

He settled onto a bench where he could still see the Mothman stickers and dialed Demie's number. The phone rang with no answer. No shit, it was a Monday afternoon. People with normal 9 to 5s worked at that time.

Well, at least he could leave a message and give Demie his number. He realized he'd never actually told Demie how to contact him.

Eventually the answering machine picked up. "You've reached Demie and Elaine," Demie's voice said. "If you're trying to sell us something we don't fucking want it. If you're trying to get on our property, we have guns and we're not afraid to fucking use them. Bye."

"Wow, your answering machine is pretty aggro," Angel said. "This is Angel, but the way. I realized I didn't give you my number. So, y'know, just in case you want to get in touch…"

He left his number and hung up. He sat staring at the Mothman stickers a little longer. He kind of wanted to send a picture of them to Demie, since Demie in a way reminded him of a cryptid - shy and kind of elusive. But of course, he couldn't, since Demie didn't have a cellphone. Still, he took a non-selfie picture of them anyways. Just in case he got to hang out with Demie sometime.

#writers on tumblr #writing #original fiction #original characters #lgbt fiction #gay fiction #wright's writing #w:demie and angel

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onisiondrama · 4 years

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PART 14 - videos #26 & 27

(Click here for video mirrors) - These are not my words or thoughts, I’m just summarizing what Greg / James is saying in his videos. Apologies for any offensive language or comments that may appear. - I am not repeating stories anymore and will replace these stories with brackets describing what he’s talking about. If you don’t know these stories you’re going to have to go back and read previous parts or watch his previous videos.

the known

- He was just read some texts from Sarah. In them, Sarah said she would know if she was groomed because she was groomed when she was 11 and put that person in prison. He says she also said in texts that Ayalla tried to sleep with her when she was 16 and Ayalla encouraged her to starve herself. He says it’s interesting Ayalla would attempt to take the moral high ground when she tried to sleep with Sarah when Sarah was 16. He would love to show you the texts, but last time he showed texts you guys got his Patreon deleted. He learned his lesson and if it goes to court he’ll have to drop that text bomb. - [He gets a phone call. It cuts to after the call and he says he can get a free beyond burger at Carl’s Jr.] - He says Sarah had a piece of paper that said they had the ability to take her to the hospital or to make life changing decisions for her if they needed. This was because she was going to live with them, but it didn’t work out. Kai remembers Sarah lived around them when she was 16. Nothing happened between them. Billie knew how much Greg hated Sarah at the time. - The texts Sarah sent them are now concrete because they uploaded them to the iCloud. - He says he doesn’t remember Sarah coming and going very well because he didn’t care. He didn’t let himself care about her and he wasn’t interested in her life. She was there to be Kai’s friend. He didn’t show any interest in Sarah besides when they played the game Deadliest Warriors where he would crap talk her when he slashed her up in the game. - Sarah was there 5 months, then three. She went home again after she confessed she loved Greg to another person. That caught him off guard and he didn’t want to deal with it. She got creepy, weird, and crazy in response to his “dat booty doe” joke. Nobody says that, it’s not a real thing unless you’re R&B or Hip Hop, which he’s not. He’s a comedian. - The texts they have go back to 2014. He doesn’t know if Kai was talking to Sarah in 2014. Greg didn’t meet her until 2016 when she was 16. It’s hard to say someone has a parental role when the person isn’t living with you. She was there 5 months, then three, then she came back to visit for an Easter egg hunting party or a Christmas party. He guesses no one wanted to hang out with her for the holidays back home or she wasn’t interested in hanging out back home. He didn’t give a shit about Sarah and she was only around maybe 9 months total. She didn’t visit before she turned 18, especially since they moved into this house and it’s too small to fit another person. People think she lived with them from 16 to forever and he agrees that would be weird. He speculates since Sarah left, the medical piece of paper they signed would no longer be relevant. There was no consistency or parental behavior. The most parental thing he did was drop her off at Target because she worked there. She was home schooled so he didn’t drive her to school. - Says there’s text after text of Sarah telling Kai she knew he wasn’t interested in her and she knows Greg isn’t grooming her. He treated her as shitty as he humanly possibly could. He compares her to the person in a friend group you don’t like. She was a dumb teenager and socially weird. She was always glaring at Billie. She wanted to be Billie and dyed her hair blue to be like Billie. She tried to be cutesy when she was 17, but they wouldn’t bite. It wasn’t interesting and he wasn’t attracted. He’s an asshole and mean. He called her Meg Griffin to her face and laughed. - You guys only believe him when he says something you want to hear. That’s how you know you’re not honest. Reality is harsh truth. - What happened to Kai was a crime. If he decided to press charges Greg would stand by him. but he doesn’t think Kai wants to. Kai doesn’t want to talk about it, like a real victim would do because it’s humiliating. - Sarah was with Kai two times and Kai just layed there. Sarah put her mouth on him. Kai was not comfortable. [Greg only pushed the relationship to help Sarah.] - Sarah later said she was only joking about blackmailing them. He says it’s hard to tell when someone tells a joke in a non-joking context. [NDA/blackmail story] - He recently learned Sarah kept a little book about them the whole time, like she was plotting. She admitted nothing happened until she was 18 so that blows her whole story up. You shouldn’t trust people that change their stories. Only in some instances, like when you realize someone isn’t who you thought they were. - Greg says after he broke up with Shiloh for cheating, she would say she always loved him, she treasured the moments they had together, and one day they’ll meet up again. She was talking about how great he was on her public blog, which you can still access, Draculoh. After she realized she’s not going to get him back she said he was actually terrible. Typical psychotic ex bullshit. - [Sarah kissed Kai and scared Kai story.] Says he told Sarah if she really liked Kai to just kiss him. He was the one that gave her the right to do it. He and Sarah pressured Kai and made him uncomfortable. You can’t call Greg a rapist because Kai wanted to be with him. Out of everything that’s happened, that was the closest thing he did to a crime. If Kai wanted to press charges against Greg for aiding Sarah in what she did to Kai, Greg wold probably be compliant because he was there and it didn’t feel good. The first time it seems ok, the second time seemed a little weird, the third time seemed straight up not good. Seemed like they were trying to trick Kai into sleeping with them. They put Kai through hell. He and Sarah are probably terrible people. If you want to be mad at him, be mad at him for what he and Sarah did to Kai. He only did it because he has a hero complex and wanted to help Sarah. He wasn’t thinking about Kai. That’s why Kai is still silent. You guys still put him through the ringer. If a victim was sobbing hysterically and suffering right in front of you, you wouldn’t see it. All you guys only see people who viciously go after other people and you want to joining the outrage culture bandwagon. The real bad guys are Sarah and possibly himself.

quite a bit

- Someone who actually listened to Greg wrote him. They say Anonymous Gene DM’d them on twitter. Gene thought they were a sock puppet account because they were defending Greg. This person got 9 out of 10 of Gene’s accounts suspended for spamming, harassment, and doxing. Gene claimed to be working with Chris Hansen and Hansen follows his account. Greg says he’s seen no proof of this, he’s only been told. He’s seen screen shots of Gene’s alleged IP address and they connected him to Vince, then it wasn’t Vince. People keep saying Hasen is paying Gene to dox Greg and his family members. His family members have nothing to do with this, he barely talks to any of them. - Person says Gene posted on reddit, he was the first person to leak photos and videos of Hansen knocking on Greg’s door. Greg asks how this person would have access to that before anyone unless they were working with Hansen. - Person says they found out Gene’s real name. They googled it and saw he was arrested and went to court. Greg says Hansen works with a lot of people who have been to court and Hansen was also arrested. A lot of corruption. - Person said if you google “Lance and Chris Hansen” a page came up saying Chris is working with criminals. Greg says criminals stick together. You can look up Chris Hansen’s mugshot. - He searches for texts from a girl who tells him everything people are saying about them. [He scrolls through the texts.] He says people knew not cropping the top of the Billie text was an accident, but people got him suspended anyway. That’s integrity for you. - [He reads a quote from December that said there’s officially an FBI investigation looking into him.] [Laptop story, chain of ownership.] He says it was an old shitty laptop Sarah bought for $200. - [He responds to quotes from the texts.] Says he hasn’t broken rules. [Lists and responds to Chris Hansen’s financial issues.] - Greg says someone took a picture of him holding a toddler in Dairy Queen. Apparently he can’t go to Dairy Queen without people taking pictures of him and posting it to the web. Very irritating, especially when you take picture of kids. - Reads someone wanted to put wanted posters with his and Kai’s face around where they live. He says that’s slander and posing as law enforcement, a crime. People commit crimes because they think they’re a hero. That’s because they don’t die a hero. They live long enough to become the villain. - He says Real Stream News is upset at Vince. - He says there’s Regina going on twitter rants about seeking plastic surgery. - [He called the cops on Chris Hansen, Hansen released the 9-1-1 call.] That’s not what an innocent person does, that’s what a criminal does. It’s creepy. - He reads officials can’t release recordings without a court order. He says maybe that’s true. - He reads Shiloh got her tattoo covered up and gave the rest of the money to the other victims. Greg says he doubts that. He says covering up a tattoo is $50 and he was told she already had it covered up before the gofundme. He asks where the money went. He says people should step up and publicly admit if they got money from Shiloh. That would prove she did was she said she did, but he has a theory that she did what she did to him. Take the money and run.[Shiloh took his money while she was in Canada story.] She later apologized and said she would pay him back. He wanted the $3,000 or $4,000 back. She gave him a confirmation code. He went to the Fred Meyer in Tacoma to the money tree and they said it wasn’t a real number. He thinks that’s fraud. He tells Shiloh if she still wants to give back the money she promised him, that would be great. [Shiloh took his money story again.] She told lies to get money from him. That’s fraud. - He reads an angry tweet from someone asking Shiloh for receipts. He says “yikes.” - [Lists things Gene doxed.] Greg says if Hansen is funding that, it could be a real legal problem. Hansen is already in legal trouble with trespassing past Greg’s signs. - Says the next part is people being hateful about toddlers in videos. It’s crazy anyone can see tragedy, something horrible that happened to a child and think money. That’s what a lot of Youtubers think. If you want to look like the good guy, you should donate all the money you made off those videos about a toddler getting hurt to a good cause. Profiting off of that is horribly evil. Hansen should donate month off of interviewing “victims” [hand quotes] to a charity or a good cause instead of paying off his debts. If he cared about these people that’s what he would do. - [He reads the leaked texts from Gene of Vince calling Wes the N-word.] He says he can’t show these or he’ll get in trouble. - [Greg reads about the person who tried to get him SWATted, but the 9-1-1 operator knew it was fake because it happens so much they have Greg’s info.] Greg says this is the 19 cases people say there are. There are actually 19 calls. A long time ago someone said Sarah was murdered. When the cops came, Sarah answered the door. Says most of the times the cops don’t show up because it’s so ridiculous. The cops are probably sick of you guys and your false things. - He says when someone sent him powder in an envelope, it didn’t even make it to him. The post office almost shut down. They tested it and it turned out to be food product. They tried to make it appear like they mailed something that would end his life or the life of his family. Everybody thinks they’re a good guy if they do evil things to people they think are bad. Heroes confirm someone is guilty before they hurt them. The people that do these things are the real criminals. If someone gets shot when you get them SWATted, that’s on you. People are doing horrible things and there’s no accountability. The post office told him they were looking into the person that sent the powder because it may have been a federal crime. They told him because it wasn’t a distinguished threat, they are not sure if they are going to pursue it.

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psychic-refugee · 4 years

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I really appreciate his candor about not only the time and effort that it took to get this physique, but the money that went into it. He’s basically the Anti-Kardasian. He could have downplayed the effort it took and gotten some sponsorship from a health supplement or “diet tea” and made a lot of money on top of what he’s making for The Eternals. But he didn’t, he was direct and honest. He even admits that in the past he thought showing off abs and work out pics were douchy, but when he realized just how hard he had to work to get those abs he sees he has to show it off because it’s really an accomplishment.

He also admits that he probably won’t look this way again, the look isn’t sustainable.

So please, do not buy waist cinchers, diet teas, or any other bullshit a Kardashian or Insta “influencer” is hocking for an “ideal body.” It’s always going to be bullshit.

Not also taking into account Photoshop and airbrushing, what it really takes to look movie star ripped is:

Time – For Kumail Nanjiani and other actors/actresses, looking jacked is literally their job. That’s what they have to do all day (and for a year), so they have the time to work out several hours if not literally most of the day. Everyday people have how much free time after commute to and from work, work, and errands they have to do? I think people are lucky if they can do an hour dedicated to working out. Which is good if you just want to be healthy. If you want to be jacked and have 6 pack abs and all that, then it has to be a job basically.

Money – The studio paid for his training and to have a nutritionist. Again, think of looking this way as a job, it’s an investment to him and the studio. So they pay a lot of money to have his life revolve around looking a certain way. A nutritionist is not just a chef, it is someone who has the knowledge of what foods and in what quantity will give you certain results. In general, how many lay people know what foods have what properties to gain muscle etc…? I sure as hell don’t. And trainers know what exercises work which muscles to burn fat etc…And there is a right way to do any work out, I think most people don’t even know how to run correctly. It’s a lot more complicated than just doing squats, running on a treadmill, or bench pressing weights. And even those simple things have a right and wrong way to do them. What average person has the money to invest in all of that?

Genetics can also play a factor. Some have hormone issues where it makes losing weight difficult or gaining weight easy. Some people have a predisposition to carry weight in certain places. I recall a while back it was fashionable to have a “thigh gap” which people mistook for a sign of being fit/thin. The thigh gap is just genetics and how your bones are. Someone could be severely underweight and not have a thigh gap. Some things just aren’t meant to be naturally, so that’s when plastic surgery comes into play.

There are several factors that go into looking ripped, and it’s never a tea.

The only thing I wished he would have mentioned in the pic is that he’s dehydrated and flexing. If he were relaxed and had a bottle of water then he wouldn’t have that definition. He’d still look really good, but it wouldn’t be the “washboard abs” look. It’s not a look anyone can maintain for long or as an everyday kind of thing. Even with everything he’s done, that picture is still an illusion.

But at least he’s not trying to sell you some bullshit laxative disguised as a health drink.

#kumail nanjiani #the eternals #fitness

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1ddiscourseoftheday · 5 years

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Thurs 3 Jan

Topic of the day continues to be movement related to toddler Freddie, who presumably remains oblivious to his symbolic status. Almost all the big players are distancing themselves on social media, unfollowing accounts, unliking tweets connecting Louis and Freddie, starting new accounts, all kinds of shenanigans. Briana, however, is doubling down on the Louis connections by making archived photos reappear. So people who think this is the beginning of the end and that we'll see an announcement soon that Louis is not the father have reason to, and it could make sense that they are planning on ending the link to Louis but want to minimize scandal and keep things simple by ending only the idea that he is the father, not also bringing Briana's position as the mother into question, but others point out that the actions might make sense if they were trying to distance the people many think are the child's real parents from the situation and shut down that whole dialogue as preparation for LT1 promo that draws attention back to the family. Meanwhile, very old unseen pics of Briana surfaced, which mostly resulted in people posting before and after plastic surgery side by sides.

Anyway are you ready for the funny part? Here we go- the "Freddie is Louis' son and we love him" crowd are also starting to wonder where this is going and have preemptively declared that even if it turns out he isn't related to Louis they love the child and will continue to be fans of his. You do that! I, a person who runs a blog laughing at this fandom, ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WAIT for your stanning-a-random-baby accounts, I am honestly begging you to make this a reality

Moving on, an apology- this grumpy reporter yesterday neglected to mention that Zayn's selfie was followed by a seductive Liam selfie taken from the same angle in similar lighting and featuring a soft heart filter, which many saw as a response or hello to Zayn. Cute! Liam is, as far as we know, still in Ghana, where he is evidently being hosted by his friend Edward Enniful and Edward's boyfriend Alec.

Zayn, Liam, Niall, and Harry are all up for the same voted solo artist award, and they're all getting trounced by Ariana Grande, which is pretty much what you can expect when you split the directioner vote I suppose (unless Louis is in play.)

Mainstream press is again reporting on a Zigi breakup, saying Zayn's mental health issues were too much for Gigi to handle, and Zayn zquad are, to put it mildly, pissed the hell off.

Matty Healy tweeted that Harry has him blocked and then once more asking if he could produce HS2, and many are annoyed, pointing at his history of using a Harry connection for publicity, among other problematic actions. Hopefully Harry did indeed block him. Hard to see any part of it as sincere.

Niall is playing golf in L.A. and he just liked a tweet from After movies fans campaigning to get the movie cast to appear in Argentina NIALL WHY. At least some of the Louis lad crew are in Amsterdam still, unknown if Louis himself still is. Jordan Green posted more unboxing of... a gift?... of a PlayStation and a bottle of Casamigos tequila, a brand heavily associated with Harry. He did not show the card to this one.

And, a Gucci person posted a picture of Harry's finger appearing to boop a baby goat's nose, but someone* pointed out that he might also be pointing at the penis shaped marking on its face and, well, do you ever see an idea you hadn't thought of before and the rightness of it just rings like a bell deep inside and your very soul recognizes it as truth? Just saying.

*see tags

#*it was @girlcrushau who wins with me for post of the day #Louis Tomlinson #Louis #bg #Liam #Liam Payne #Zayn #Harry #Niall #Niall Horan #Harry styles #after movie promo #social media #ugh except I'm kidding don't actually continue to be a Freddie fan #i can't think of anything that would make those jerks happier than to continue to get attention #christ i hope this makes sense trying to boil down the bg chatter is daunting as hell #like i want to make it less confusing #but if you're actually more confused now i don't blame you #if so guess what it's because I'm a bad source for this stuff I'm really not one of the people who tracks it closely #if that's what you want i can rec some blogs but it ain't me babe #the biggest thank you to everyone who tells me things cause i don't always know! so thank you!!#you know who you are 😘❤️

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meta-squash · 4 years

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Journal For Plague Lovers & Modernist Literary Style

So I’ve had this theory/idea/whatever in my head for at least a year now about Journal For Plague Lovers and Modernist literature. (Note: I’m talking about the full, unedited lyrics available in the deluxe edition booklet, which you can find my scans of here.) Basically, my theory is that JFPL reflects and uses a Modernist style of writing in order to express feelings and experiences. The Modernist writers really started experimenting with form and meaning and how each dictates or manipulates the other, and there are certain stylistic choices that Richey made in these lyrics that are really reminiscent of the Modernist techniques and experimental styles.

To begin with, JFPL is a notably massive leap forward in lyrical writing for Richey. Which, frankly, is amazing if most of it was written between autumn 1994 when he got out of hospital and January 1995 when the binder was given to Nicky. That means that his lyrical advancement occurred in about 6 months, between the writing/recording of The Holy Bible and Richey’s release from hospitalization, which is incredibly fast. Nicky is always mentioning how Richey’s mind was in high-gear around the time of writing Journal For Plague Lovers, how he was unable to switch off or slow down, which probably accounts both for the advancement and the overwhelming overload of references in these lyrics.

Anyway, I’m just gonna go through some of the main characteristics of Modernist literature/poetry, and sort of look at how JFPL reflects that or utilizes it.

Probably the most obvious is the “cut-up” word/writing style of most of the songs. The Beat poets took cut-up and really ran with it, but it kind of started during the later modernist period. Cut-ups are where a text or texts are cut up and rearranged to make a new text.

I don’t think Richey was literally cutting up texts, but the way certain songs, like Me & Stephen Hawking, Peeled Apples, and Journal For Plague Lovers leap from subject to subject or POV to POV very much seems to emulate that cut-up style. Me & Stephen Hawking is a really good example. In an interview about the album, someone mentioned the weirdness of the lyrics to the song and James responded, “Seriously, you haven’t seen the rest. Seriously, you wouldn’t fucking believe them.” The lyrics clearly have an ongoing theme, but it’s hard to make out at first. They’re very cut-up style, random and almost unintelligible:

Queen mother stuffed for exhibition Three strikes yr out – execution – pizza 2/ Dante III, spider robot, Mount Spurrr Increased plastic surgery for pubic hair Sanitation police, crime of proportion.

Peeled Apples, while clearly political, and Journal For Plague Lovers, clearly personal, also really use the cut-up style. Peeled Apples slams together political/history references with images of personal suffering and popular media as well as just plain bizarre phrases like “Canaries are always behind bars the day of deliverance lied.” Pretension/Repulsion also does this, as it’s just single seemingly unrelated words clustered together separated only by commas. The cut-up sort of style allows a ton of words to be put together where it might not have been so easy before. It’s hard to follow, but it manages to pack a LOT of information into a small amount of space, and creates a sensation of overwhelming reality and/or unreality.

Which brings me to another characteristic of modernism, which was the destabilization of reality, the realization that there is not central truth and that truth is provisional and reality is constructed by the “writer” and the “reader.” Jackie Collins Existential Question Time really utilizes that, as it warps reality into this bizarre sort of talk show asking relationship questions– but you don’t know if you’re the audience or not, or where you/the speaker is, or what the conclusion is meant to be, or what the questions really mean. It’s silly but also serious and you’re not really sure how to take it because it’s so weird. You get a sense of place, of what’s going on, but not enough to feel like your feet are on solid ground and that you’re understanding anything.

Facing Page: Top Left and Virginia State Epileptic Colony do this as well, but in very different ways. In Facing Page, you get the sense of a hospital or institution, flashes and fragments of moments and images from within, but there is never any clarity about what is going on, and the world constructed by the words is obscured from any conclusion or truth or central point, since images of institutionalization are interspersed with phrases like “The scum as jewellery,” “Pig bargaining,” “Christian fraternity meeting Pagan idolatry,” and of course “This beauty here dipping neophobia.” It’s comprised mostly of collections of short phrases, and none of these phrases coagulate or combine to clarify anything or to give the listener-reader any sort of intended message. Virginia State Epileptic Colony also presents a hospital scene, but it is much clearer. Instead, the destabilization of reality comes from spaces in the text, and the repetition. We only get about half an image in 13 lines of text– people (patients) sitting at tables drawing circles in chalk, given medication by doctors, waking to strange lights and being told that they are independent because they are allowed to learn domestic tasks. We have the repetition of “Piggy” (and those double asterisks) 5 times in the chorus, with no true explanation as to what it means, and with two verses, a repetitive chorus, and a two-line bridge, there is so much space in this song, so much emptiness. It is up to the listener to fill that space, that reality, making it something constructed not by the words, but by what isn’t there, the information that the listener has to create for themselves out of the half-image that’s given.

As an extension of the above, the use of stream-of-consciousness (and first person) writing became really popular during the modernist era. Most songs are sort of a form of stream-of-consciousness, but the lyrics on JFPL seem to do it more on a literary rather than lyrical level. More than any of the others, William’s Last Words does it best. It’s literally a Faulkner-style first-person prose monologue without line breaks or a verse/chorus/bridge structure. The original version is clearly a drunk character leaving or attempting to leave a party or show of some sort. It’s sad and nostalgic and self-deprecating but it’s all one unbroken monologue-scene of stream of consciousness speech. This is just a small chunk of the page and a half of text:

Goodnight all, you’re all my friends…remember my wedding day, should’ve heard ole Bill singing, we’ll have a good old ding dong tomorrow, you’re lovely all of you, goodnight godbless I’ll always remember you, hope you liked the concert. I’ll go nice and quiet, I’ll just say cherio, here I go on my way, till we meet again, wish me luck as you wave me goodbye. Yr the best friends I ever had, yes, no, no I’m not a clever chap, I made a balls up again, first, second, third time but not on your time I hope, you’re a part of the world….oo be quiet old Bill, no applause, sleeptight, isn’t it lovely when the dawn brings the dew and I’ll be watching over you. It was lovely singing to you, I won’t forget you.

It’s full of commas and run-on or unconnected sentences, but it is prose that connects to itself rather than lyrics. Still, it seems to start in the middle of a scene and fades away into not much of a concrete conclusion, so we get a moment of consciousness– perhaps the most emotional moment– before turning away. Facing Page: Top Left and Marlon JD do stream of consciousness to some degree as well. Facing Page is not a typical stream of consciousness, but more like a list of things or experiences or associations. In some ways again it makes me think of Faulkner, of the way he writes characters that don’t really know how narrate their thoughts/experiences in words. It never leaves its institutional location or changes the subject to something else, it just rambles about the situation it’s in through fragmentary phrases. Marlon JD is also very stream-of-consciousness, but because it’s already based on a monologue from a film that’s kind of to be expected.

Modernism was also characterized by a sort of “what’s becoming of the world?” reaction, in response to the speeding up of technological advancements and scientific discoveries etc etc, as well as the consciousness of the changes that came from the end of the 19th century and how the new 20th century was shaping up to be. Something that the band specifically notes in interviews about the Journal For Plague Lovers album is the emphasis on information overload, of the speed of technology and information/media consumption, as well as concerns about things like the environment, religion, and global politics/history and the end of the millennium.

Me & Stephen Hawking is the clearest example of this “what is becoming of the world?” anxiety, and the focus on information overload. The main body of the lyric –the verse(s)– never actually made it onto the recording, which just uses the bridge and the chorus. This is probably because the verse(s) are just jumbles of references to history and media and events and ideas. It’s also characterized by swaths of blacked-out lines. Whether the Richey did that or the band did it posthumously, we don’t know. If Richey did it himself, it certainly changes the interpretation of the lyrics, as it adds another layer of “information” (censoring) overload. But the words trip over each other, so many different references all piled in one spot:

2/ Dante III, spider robot, Mount Spurrr Increased plastic surgery for pubic hair Sanitation police, crime of proportion. 3/ Paisleyism and ecumenism and cenotaph bombers [blacked out] wearing policing Soviet labour medals sold for Coca Cola 82 million watch Gorilla Meets Whale

Peeled Apples does the same thing, piling political and historical and emotional and media references in one place until they’re so jumbled it’s hard to make sense of them, showing the anxiety of that information overload and speeding up of communication, creation, knowledge. I’ve always thought that All Is Vanity is a kind of reaction to that reaction, putting the anxiety succinctly into “It’s not whats wrong it’s what’s right / Makes me feel like I’m talking a foreign language at times” and the desire for control or some semblance of order and calmness in “I would prefer no choice / One bread one milk one food that’s all / I’m confused I only want one truth.” Which, again, goes back to that Modernist realization that truth is provisional, reality is constructed, and there is no central point because not only is it all relative, it’s also always moving and changing and growing and shrinking and twisting.

Another characteristic is that of an emphasis on the sexual (in the form of fetish or obsession, usually), and the visceral or grotesque. While JFPL doesn’t really have much of the former, it certainly has plenty of the latter. The most obvious are Journal For Plague Lovers and She Bathed Herself In A Bath Of Bleach. She Bathed Herself really contains the most visceral image in the title, which is, as Nicky calls it, “quite a shocking title.” Aside from the title, the more intense lines are “She thought burnt skin would please her lover” and “Love sat her in a bath of bleach / But salmon pink skinned Mary is still caring.” Even so, the title kind of dictates where the listener’s mind goes with these words, and so with the suggestion from the title, the imagination goes to more grotesque places that the words actually literally contain. On the other hand, Journal For Plague Lovers has some really grotesque imagery. The band sort of cherry-picked lines to record around the more intense parts of the verses. The verses altogether seem to be an image of a rotting self, whether physical, emotional or mental, especially when combined with the “dying relationship” of the bridge.

These perfect abattoirs these perfect actors Babies bones, dustbinned, shorn

Oh such love smeared stimulus Vacuumed pain slow suck luck Wake in hell murder one Troughs o’ bones wade in gore

Weep helpless skewered flesh Milky teeth soured and fetid PG certificate all cuts unfocused Sick in skin embarrassed within

The imagery is really intense but non-specific, creating a reaction of disgust and fragments of gross images without really knowing what we’re looking at or what we’re supposed to be disgusted by. It’s a shock factor that transitions into the bridge, which is a scene of a failing or failed relationship, so that the gross images overlay this moment of romantic collapse, making it even more visceral and pitiful.

Modernism also started really focusing on the meaning and history of words, and how they could be used to create an image without blatantly telling a story. Pretension/Repulsion is the best example of this, especially because James Bradfield specifically noted in an interview that the way the song was laid out meant it felt like Richey was telling him “Look at the words, James, look at the words.” Which makes sense, as it’s just a bunch of individual words divided by commas:

Explored, inclos’d, amaz’d, perturb’d Assum’d, annoy’d, ceas’d, unhinder’d Burden’d, gather’d, agonis’d, lock’d Mix’d, sear’d, receiv’d, unclaps’d

Instead of focusing on a story, the listener-reader is paying attention to the sound of each word and thinking of the meaning behind it. Instead of a narrative, we get flashes of image/emotion for each word. Peeled Apples also relays on knowledge of words and historical references, with lines like “In SB’s Cistine Chapel inabilities wither / Boy smoking cigarette infront of Himmler’s painted ether” and “Nutrition is neuroses for a maelstrom of inadequacy.” Doors Closing Slowly relies on religious knowledge, and its references go very deep. It twists biblical stories and references, and expects the listener-reader to understand the origin and therefore the modified version:

I want your sin third day perfected Lazarus burning Jerusalem Blaspheme, cut dead, Isiah One day birds of prey Israelite

But, like the Modernists, each of these lyrics uses an emphasis on the expectation that the listener-reader will have the literary or historical or vocabulary knowledge to understand the meaning/origin of the reference in order to create a specific image through the twisting or reinterpretation of that reference. It wants the definition and history to expand the story, so that it’s the effort of the listener-reader and not the speaker that will expand the story into something fleshed out and recognizable. Despite the cuts that were made for the studio recordings it’s clear when you read the full versions of the lyrics that every single word is important and researched and meant to be included. There is a history and meaning infused in every reference, and Richey’s brain was going so fast that some of the lyrics feel like they’re piled on top of each other, but at the same time, they seem to build on each other, each reference allowing the listener-reader to glean more meaning the more history or definitions they know.

What I found most telling was seeing the quality of modernist literature that my professor really drilled into us: that modernist lit (especially prose, but also poetry to a large extent) was not necessarily about the plot, and the plot was not the most important thing. Instead of a specific narrative, what was important was the impression or emotion evoked by the words. I always think of the novel Nightwood by Djuna Barnes when it comes to feelings/impressions being more important than the plot; there is a plot, but it’s just a scaffolding or a base for the emotion to build off of, for the reader to interpret and feel from. It’s basically what all of the above is driving to create and express. Instead of having a direct narrative within the lyrics (like 4st lbs or La Tristesse Durera or even, to some extent, PCP or Intense Humming…), it relies on fragments of scenes or references to create an impression or an emotion on the listener-reader. Faster and Of Walking Abortion do this as well, but JFPL manages to take it to another level.

The band, when being interviewed about Journal For Plague Lovers, often talk about how much this album seems simultaneously “of its time” and strangely fitting for the present. In his very last television interview, Richey mentioned that his dream was to “write a lyric which I think is flawless, that makes sense to me, not anybody else. That I think in 15-20 lines sums up exactly how I feel about everything, not just how I feel today, how I’ve felt all my life. Everything I’ve read, everything I’ve seen, everything I believe, that in those 15 lines you just say it all.” Considering the sheer amount of knowledge and imagery and information packed into just the 13 songs on the album (not to mention the 20 or so more in the binder that have never been published), I think that’s partly what Richey was trying to do with these words. We’ll never know if he thought he succeeded, but instead of being left with a clear-cut picture of his opinions (or accusations) like THB, instead we are left with impressions of experiences, feelings, and events created through the fragments of information all slammed together– everything, all in 15 lines.

Aside from one or two songs, the tracks on JFPL don’t really have a defined narrative. Instead, they rely on fragments of images, emotions, references, and ideas to form an impression in the listener’s mind. For example, Peeled Apples, the most reference-filled track on the album, doesn’t actually tell a straightforward story or clear opinion the way the more political tracks on THB did. Instead we get an opening line that is clearly political followed by a much more personal line: “Riderless horses, Chomsky’s Camelot / Bruises on my hand from digging my nails out,” and the rest of the lyrics that follow are a mass of references, from the bible to Japanese post-Hiroshima films to the Birdman of Alcatraz to George Orwell, intermingled with lines that are abstract and emotional. Yet somehow what the listener-reader gets out of is an impression of frustration, political anger, and historical/political/personal entropy. Me & Stephen Hawking is similarly reference-packed, and out of that comes the impression of overwhelming technological/information enhancement and concern for the survival of both the environment and the self.

Doors Closing Slowly is full of religious references, and leaves us with an impression religious and personal doubt, and the overwhelming feeling of rejection and dejection towards both. And they’re so twisted together there are some lines, like “Love the soul not the body / Let me forgive the word ruins / I wanted to kill but my tears love,” where you don’t know if it’s a personal reference or a religious one.

There’s a sense of desolation and loneliness, of overwhelming exhaustion at the uncertainty of truth. William’s Last Words, on the other hand, feels desperate, lonely but wishing not to be alone. As a prose monologue, it is more personal-sounding, able to sound rambling and drunken because of the amount of space the words are allowed to take up. Within the words there’s the impression of nostalgia and a sort of rainy quietness, a mental fading, and a sort of muffled personal mourning.

In All Is Vanity, there is a sense of desperation. For control, for understanding, for being understood. Especially in “I’m confused I only want one truth / I really don’t mind if I’m being lied to,” there’s an impression of simultaneous frustration with monotony and a desire for it, a frustration with and desire for beauty, love, a non-existent central point, a conflict of interest on the personal level. This Joke Sport Severed feels bleak, an impression of rawness or over-sensitivity being dealt with through rejection and repression, hiding or turning away from everything that hurts. It includes the odd bridge, “Repress yr emotion / Repression yr revenge / Stoic shitter nerve end,” which radiates anger as well as dejection and frustration. The song leaves an impression of being curled in a corner somewhere, barefoot, confused, frustrated and lost and nursing wounds and pretending nothing outside of your little corner exists.

As I mentioned before, Facing Page: Top Left absolutely leaves the listener-reader with an image of hospitals and institutionalization and the monotony of that existence. It also gives an impression of discomfort, a body seen in fragments rather than as a whole, and a loss of agency. It feels frustrated, searching, but also pointedly disgusted both with the self and with others. The final two lines, for me, pack all of those feelings in a short punch packed with words and images: “Dipping neophobia. Gillette Cuticura. Flak. PS. Recovery. Huh / Central dissolves. Exceed dosage. Subscribed. Cleansed. Boring.”

Journal For Plague Lovers also reflects that disgust, to a much higher degree. The grotesque imagery gives the listener-reader a distinct feeling of uneasy revulsion, but also a sort of pity or helplessness, both for the self and for others that seem to exist in the song. Especially because it’s difficult to make out who the speaker is and what they feel– which puts all the interpretation on the listener rather than the speaker. It makes the listener-reader feel conflicted, uncertain whether they should feel horrified or sad.

Again, most of the songs don’t really have an obvious narrative, just images you can kind of construct meaning out of. But on the off-chance we do get a narrative, it is left so vague and open-ended it’s barely a narrative at all, but a fragment left open at both ends. In Virginia State Epileptic Colony, we get a momentary picture of a hospital scene, but we leave it before we get anything but an impression. She Bathed Herself… gives an incomplete narrative of a mentally ill woman and her views/attempts at romance, a fragment of her thoughts and feelings and experiences, and a fragment of the speaker at the bridge demanding “Brush her hair, no one else will / Don’t hurt her anymore, stop hurting her.” Marlon JD is also fragmentary, but some explanations can be found in the film it references, because most of the lyrics are a monologue from Reflections In A Golden Eye, or descriptions of scenes from the film. William’s Last Words starts abruptly, practically in the middle of a sentence, and peters out into nothing without the narrator going anywhere or doing much. It’s a long, sad, drunken ramble with no central point (as there is no set or stable truth), in which the narrator seems to circle around whatever it is he wants to say without really saying it, and loses steam before he gets to it. Instead we’re left with this strangely contradictory set of ending sentences, (and, apt for the album and its circumstances) a conclusion without any real meaning or conclusion:

“If I sing a song I’m down a scale or up a scale. I’ve come a long way, really, even for a tone deaf singer, if you want to know.”

Nicky also tends to mention how the binder was filled not only with lyrics, but with paintings, scans of other authors’ literature, collages, drawings, prose, journal entries, and other sorts of clippings. He makes it clear that the binder itself was meant to be a work of art. Again, this places emphasis on the form and the importance of references and of the whole being seen to create an impression rather than each little piece being interpreted. This does make me wonder how much more to the lyrics and art within there really was, and if within the whole thing as a work of art Richey did somehow reach his goal of writing the perfect lyrics or the perfect album or the perfect piece of art expressing himself. Either way, I think the inclusion of Richey’s art and non-lyric writings and things in the booklet are a sort of attempt at allowing the whole to give an impression, because the inclusion of the drawn-upon diagrams of Dante’s Infero with the lyrics to Journal For Plague Lovers, or a Christ figure with Marlon JD, or Richey’s notes from therapy with Pretension/Repulsion, flesh the piece out into art as a whole, in which the visual aspect also informs the creation of the impression upon the viewer (or listener-reader).

In Journal For Plague Lovers, modernist style is used and reflected to talk about Richey’s own experiences and thoughts, but also to capture and express a very specific moment and emotion and idea without saying it outright. There is never any mention of that information overload, of apprehension about the coming millennium, no outward or straightforward reference to his time in hospital or his views on relationships or the self. Instead, each song leaves us with an impression, a feeling rather than a clearly defined narrative or message. There’s an internalization of meaning, of imagery, so that it must be sensed and pulled out of all the jumbles of words and emotions; this time, it isn’t the plot or the message that is important, it’s the impression and feelings of an experience and a moment in time that is simultaneously constant and passed, intensely, vividly present and faded away like a memory.

#manic street preachers #msp #journal for plague lovers #richey edwards #manic street preachers meta #jfpl #old meta repost

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