#also the guilt i have buying food wrapped in plastic i will throw away and pollute the environment with

[cuddlepilefics]

10.    Christmas Shopping

@yooniestummy because we all stan Hyunjin’s long hair....

 Fandom: Stray Kids

Sickie: Hyunjin

Caregiver: Chan and Jisung

 Hyunjin‘s POV.:

I woke up hot and sweaty this morning, my sheets stuck to my back and my head started pounding when I sat up. For some reason, I was the last to wake up. We had no official schedule for today so we had planned to go Christmas shopping as a group. I already had most of my presents wrapped and hidden underneath my bed but I still had to find something for Minho and Jeongin. Joining my group for breakfast, I decided to just have some fruit as I didn‘t really have an appetite but knew I couldn‘t just skip breakfast. My members were discussing loudly which stores they wanted to visit but I didn‘t really care because I didn‘t even have an idea what I wanted to buy. I was only planning to look around and wait for something to catch my eye. Watching the others get overly excited for their shopping trip, I put my plate in the sink and went to get ready. Somehow the excitement failed to grasp me as it usually did and I would have preferred to stay home but I couldn‘t let them down in the last minute just because I wasn‘t in the mood. I must have been deep in thought while brushing my teeth because I hit a spot too far back which made me gag, startling me. I tried to bring my focus back to what I was doing but my brain was fuzzy and I kept losing my trains of thought. I walked back to my room and picked out some very thick and warm clothes. In contrast to how I woke up, I felt freezing now and the goosebumps just didn‘t go away. I shivered as I took my pajama off and tried to get my jeans and hoodie on as fast as possible. While I pulled the hoodie over my head, a dizzy spell hit me, forcing me to sit down on my bed as I waited for the ringing in my ears to pass.

Dressed in a few more layers then originally planned, I met my members at the door ready to head out. Chan had called for a driver that‘d take us to the mall and we all piled into the vehicle. The ride seemed to take forever and I rested my aching head against the window. The headache I had woken up with only seemed to be getting worse and I was glad I hadn‘t tied up my hair as the pull of an elastic would only increase the pain. I must have been too quiet because I felt a nudge against my knee, looking up to meet Seungmin‘s smile. Smiling back quietly, I opted for resting my head on his shoulder instead of the window. “Everything ok?“, he whispered, running a hand through my long hair. “Mhm, just not completely awake yet and my head hurts a bit“, I hummed, leaning further into him as he kept petting my hair. I didn‘t remember the route to the mall to be this curvy but I soon needed to pick up my head from Seungmin‘s shoulder to look out of the window in an attempt to keep my stomach in place. Usually I didn‘t get motion sick but I guess combined with the headache, the streets didn‘t do me well. Seungmin watched me confused but I reassured him with a smile that everything was fine.

It wasn‘t, however. I had expected for the nausea to fade after leaving the car and for a while it did. Not fully though, instead it settled into a dull, constant ache. We were walking around together and I really only tagged along, following my members wherever they wanted to go. I was to tired to object and with the pain in my head and stomach, I also didn‘t want to go anywhere but home. Of course, I didn‘t speak up though. We haven‘t even been here that long and everyone had been looking forward to this trip, so who was I to kill the mood. Not being able to agree on which stores to visit, we soon split up into smaller groups, me joining Chan and Jisung. They mostly wanted to visit different music stores and I didn‘t mind. Replying that I didn‘t care every time they asked me where I wanted to go, the two kept exchanging suspicious glances, not commenting though. I was practically asleep on my feet and it took Chan three attempts at calling my name to catch my attention. “Sorry, kinda spaced out“, I replied, scratching my head awkwardly. “You‘re acting weirder than usual and already have all morning“, Jisung frowned, trying to cover his concern with a tease. Chan agreed and seeing the sympathetic look on his face, I couldn‘t keep quiet anymore. “Sorry, I woke up with a bit of a headache and it only got worse. Now my stomach also started hurting and I feel weird“, I mumbled, trying to keep of crying as admitting to my symptoms only made me notice them more. Chan frowned and guided me to sit on a bench nearby. Jisung sat down next to me wrapping his arms around me comfortingly as I broke into tears. “I-I didn‘t w-want to ruin t-this trip because everyone was l-looking forward to it s-so much and n-now I did a-anyways“, I hiccuped, bringing my hands up to my face to wipe the tears that just wouldn‘t stop falling. “You didn‘t ruin anything, you really could‘ve told us you weren‘t feeling alright and you could‘ve stayed home“, Chan sighed as Jisung handed me a tissue. “Wasn‘t s-so bad earlier“, I whimpered almost too quiet to be heard. Crouching in front of me, Chan squeezed my knee and promised he‘d go get some water, while Jisung would sit with me.

 Jisung‘s POV.:

While Chan left, I kept Hyunjin company, trying to calm him down a bit. I knew the tears were not only from guilt and embarrassment. The pain must have been worse than he let on and finally taking in the full sight in front of me, I noticed the dark circles under the dancer‘s eyes, that stood out against his pale complexion which he tried to hide behind a mask. “How about we take this off for a while? Maybe the fresh air will help your head“, I hummed, removing the mask dampened with tears. He had stopped crying and was really quiet now. I figured he had just calmed down and was tired till he wrapped his arms around his stomach whimpering. “I d-don‘t feel so good“, he moaned, scooting closer to the side of the bench where there was a trash can beside it. His face had paled even more and I could only guess what‘d happen next. I just wished Chan would hurry. Scooting closer to the dancer, I rubbed his back soothingly, applying enough pressure so he‘d feel it through his thick coat, and instructing him to take deep breaths through his nose. However, it didn‘t solve the problem and only delayed the inevitable. With barely any warning, the thin boy bend over the trash can, immediately bringing up part of his breakfast. I quickly recovered from my shock and pulled his long, blonde hair out of his face, gathering it at the back of his head. With one hand I kept holding on to his hair, using the other to rub his back, while telling him he‘d be ok and all of this would be over soon.

After a shaky inhale, which triggered a dry gag, his breathing hitched and soon turned into quiet sobs. “You‘re really not feeling well, hm?“, I hummed rhetorically and he shook his head, retching hard afterwards. So hard that a few strands of hair escaped my grip. Luckily nothing came up and I quickly tucked the strands back again. Trying to hold his hair securely yet not tight enough to worsen his headache, I let my hand follow his head as he coughed, triggering another rush of semi-digested food to pass his lips. The guy barely got a breath in before his body convulsed again, sending him to choke on his stomach contents. I panicked a bit, using my free hand to pat him between the shoulderblades rather harshly till he was able to stop coughing and catch his breath again. Not having had much for breakfast, he was soon reduced to dry heaves and I was glad to see Chan rounding the corner. Seeing our position next to the trash can, the leader quickened his pace, jogging over to us.

At this point, Hyunjin had slumped over, hugging his stomach and accepting the fact that nothing else would come up. His cries had turned into weak sniffles and I gently pulled him back to lean against me. Chan quickly uncapped the bottle of water he had bought, holding it out to the dancer who mainly just rinsed his mouth, handing it back after one tentative sip. The strain of throwing up had wiped all of his energy and he was dozing off on my shoulder. “Hyung, could you call us a driver to bring us home while I text the others? They can just call a driver later when they are done, while we take the sickie over here home“, I asked, running a hand through Hyunjin‘s hair. “You don‘t have to come home with me. I‘m ok, I can go back alone. I don‘t want you to be forced home early just because I have a tummy ache“, said sickie mumbled pitifully, keeping his eyes closed. “Jinnie, it‘s not just a tummy ache, you threw up, your head hurts and with how you‘re sweating I bet you have a fever too. Besides, I absolutely don‘t mind going back to the dorm with you. I can easily do the rest of my shopping another time“, I assured, watching Chan talk on his phone. “A driver will be here soon. How are you holding up Jinnie?“, the leader asked, pressing the back of his fingers against the younger‘s forehead. “Still don‘t feel too great“, he whined. “Mhm, you have a fever too, so it‘s probably some kind of stomach bug. Let‘s just get you home and to bed“, the leader sighed, earning a defeated nod.

By the time we got into the car, Hyunjin was shivering violently. With chattering teeth he complained how cold he felt and I felt my heart break. Despite worrying about raising his fever, I took off my coat, covering him and tucking it into his seatbelt so it wouldn‘t slip. “Jinnie, if you feel sick during the drive use this, ok?“, Chan instructed, pressing a plastic shopping bag into the dancer‘s hand before buckling himself up. With the chills subsiding in the warmth of the car, the young idol was quickly knocked out, sleeping through the entire ride without incidents. Waking up slowly as I unbuckled his seatbelt, Hyunjin let Chan carry him from the garage to the dorm, I had gone ahead to unlock the door for them. The leader put him to the ground in the hallway so the dancer could kick off his shoes and shrug out of his coat with Chan and me holding him by the shoulders so he wouldn’t fall over. Barely pulling his arms from the coat, he suddenly tore free from our grip, rushing to the bathroom, almost tripping himself on the way there. Quick to remove his shoes, Chan ran after him while I hung up our coats and grabbed a water bottle from the kitchen.

 Chan’s POV.:

I found my dongsaeng kneeling in front of the toilet, head resting on his crossed arms over the empty bowl. Apparently, nothing had come up so far. With his hair falling into his face, I struggled to see whether he was crying. Not liking the way his hair was dangling into the bowl, I quickly pulled an elastic from the bathroom cabinet, tying it up messily as I have no experience with long hair. I was done just in time for the dancer to dip his head down with a harsh retch, only bringing up a thin trickle of stomach acid. I knelt behind him, rubbing his back as he fought to bring something up despite being empty from his session earlier. Soon it was hard to tell sob and gag apart, only interrupted by whimpers of pain. Jisung had joined us at some point. He had brought a water bottle and wet a small towel under the tap which he spread across Hyunjin’s neck, before sitting on the bathtub next to the sick idol.

Getting a break from gagging for a while the dancer collapsed back against me, tears of pain, sickness and physical strain streaming down his face while he clutched his head. “Jinnie, is the hairtie making your headache worse?”, I asked, while Jisung moved the damp towel to dab away the sweat and tears. “If you think you’re done we can remove it”, I hushed, already fiddling with the elastic before getting a shaky reply: “N-Not sure, f-for now m-maybe…” That was enough of an answer for me to fully pull the elastic from his hair, running my fingers trough it to smooth it out.

Uncapping the water bottle, Jisung let the other rinse his mouth a few times before encouraging him to at least have a few sips. “Jinnie, you’ll get dehydrated”, I sighed, resulting in a whimper from my dongsaeng: “Hyung, I-I don’t want to throw up again.” – “Hey, if this is a stomach bug, you most likely will and if you have something in you, it at least won’t hurt as much”, Jisung hushed, adding: “I know it sucks.” When the dancer whined, raising the bottle to his lips again because he knew it was true.

We had been sitting there for a while, waiting for Hyunjin’s stomach to settle enough for him to move. I was just about to offer helping him to bed when the sickie threw himself over the bowl again, expelling the little water he had had before. Cursing inwardly for removing the hairtie, I quickly combed his hair back with my fingers, holding it there while trying to reduce the pull on his scalp. Luckily, the spell passed soon and Jisung left first to set up a bucket next to the dancer’s bed. I helped my exhausted dongsaeng stand before picking him up and carrying him to his room. Covering him with an additional blanket the quell the chills that had started up again, Jisung sat resting his back against the headboard of Hyunjin’s bed, allowing the ailing boy to rest his head on his thigh. Seeing that Jisung had got it handled, I slipped out of the room to start making some plain rice porridge for later, as it was what I considered safest to eat with stomach troubles.

 Noone’s POV.:

Nodding off with his head in Jisung’s lap, Hyunjin fell asleep to the younger playing with his hair. “Rest well, hyung. I don’t want you to hurt anymore”, being the last thing he heard as the exhaustion pulled him under.

#sickfic #sick #emeto #fanfic #skz #stray kids #christmas #hwang hyunjin #bang chan #han jisung

[squirrel-moose-winchester]

Brother’s Best Friend

Title: Brother’s Best Friend

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 4031

Square Filled: Enemies to Lovers

Summary: Dean and Sam’s best friend, Y/N, has never gotten along. It isn’t until reality sets in, that she shows up at Sam and Dean’s shared apartment in the middle of the night. Sam’s not home, she’s in tears, and despite Dean’s hate towards her, he’s too soft to turn her the other way. So what happens next?

Warnings: Dean being a dick, Reader being a Sassy Bitch, Angst, Mentions of Cheating, Arguing, Vulnerable!Reader, Explicit Language, Mentions of Alcohol Use, Fluff, Comforting!Dean, Sexual Tension, Making Out, and Implied Future Smut.

Written for: @spndeanbingo

Disclaimer: Not my gif.

A/N: This started out as an idea, and then it quickly became this whole fic! And what are the odds, it also filled a square for my SPN Dean Bingo Card! I love when that happens! Haha. I really hope you guys like this one! Happy Reading all you gorgeous MoFos! Love ya! Xx

Sam was making a late lunch when Dean returned home, however, his little brother wasn’t alone. Dean rolled his eyes when he saw Y/N sitting at the table, laughing at something Sam had said. When she made eye contact with him, her joyous expression quickly morphed into one of distaste. The change in her features didn’t go unnoticed by Sam, making him glance back, finding Dean standing at the doorway, shrugging off his leather jacket and hooking it on the coat hanger.

“Hey, Dean!” Sam quipped, attempting to keep the vibes in the room light. Every time Dean and Y/N were in the same room, things tended to turn sour really quick.

“What the hell is she doing here?” Dean snapped.

Yup. Really quick.

Y/N was Sam’s best friend from college. They met during orientation and had been friends ever since. Throughout their college careers, Sam had told bountiful tales of his brother, all of which made Dean out to be this impressive, and in turn, intimidating character. Y/N used to get nervous whenever she’d think about one day meeting him; but before Sam had the change to properly introduce them to each other, they had already crossed paths once at a bar, which didn’t turn out so well.

Y/N was at Crossroad’s bar with her boyfriend and a few of their mutual friends, enjoying each other’s company and having a few drinks, when an attractive man (who she would find out later to be Sam’s legendary brother) caught her eye. She watched him flirt his way through girl after girl, shamelessly eating each other’s face. She was disgusted. She thought to herself that a man like that couldn’t possibly “clean.”

As the night grew older, her friends eventually called it a night and left. It wasn’t until they were all gone that she realized her boyfriend, Gordon, was no where to be found. As she scanned around the bar for him, Dean stumbled upon her table, noticing she was alone, and taking a chance.

“Hey there Sweetheart,” Dean grinned. “Can I buy you another drink?” He pointed to her empty glass.

“No thanks, but please, help yourself to all the other women in the bar that you have yet to exchange saliva with,” she smiled back, not impressed with his attempt to flirt with her. “I see a select few who seem quite parched.”

“Well, good luck getting a boyfriend with that attitude,” Dean retorted, his mood quickly plummeting.

“For your information, I already have one. And he’s not some arrogant play boy,” she hissed.

“Oh yeah? Then where is Mr. Perfect?” Dean challenged, a smug look on his face. Y/N rolled her eyes.

“He’s probably in the restroo—,” she paused when she caught sight of her boyfriend making out with some redhead. Dean followed her gaze and scoffed. It was his chuckling that brought her attention back to him.

“That your boyfriend over there with that red-headed chick? Yeah, he’s definitely a keeper,” Dean muttered, tone filled with sarcasm and venom, before walking away. Dean knew that what he said was a dick move on his part, but if she hadn’t been such a bitch to him, he most likely would have stayed to console her, but in the moment, Dean thought she deserved it for calling him a playboy when her – so called “Mr. Perfect” boyfriend – was making out with some random chick behind her back.

“Oh, c’mon Dean. Can’t you guys just make up and get along? For me?” Sam pouted at his big brother and best friend.

“Hey, I haven’t kicked her out yet, have I?” Dean replied.

Sam rolled his eyes before placing a sandwich one each of the plates set up on the tiny dining table. “Whatever. I made lunch,” Sam pointed to the empty seat beside Y/N, gesturing his older brother to sit.

Majority of their lunch was eaten in tension-filled silence before Dean opened his mouth. “So, Y/N,” he began, causing Y/N to inwardly groan at what ever he was going to throw her way, “how is Mr. Perfect doing?” He grinned cheekily.

“Dean!” Sam chided with his mouth full.

“What? I’m just asking an honest question. She’s the one who went back to him after catching him cheating on her, so he must be packing somethin’, am I right?”

“Gordon is doing fine, thanks for asking,” she sassed back. Dean always liked to ask that question, just so he could rub it in her face, bringing back the memory of the first time they met.

“That’s great. Haven’t caught him with another girl since that night?”

“Dean…” Sam scolded again.

“You’re a dick, you know that,” she barked, slamming her sandwich back on her plate.

“I may be a dick, but at least I can say that I’m not a cheater. Sure, I like to have fun, but I always make sure the girl I’m with knows that what’s going on isn’t exclusive and that it’s a no strings attached kind of deal. And when I do have a girlfriend, I’m all there for her,” Dean confessed, “one hundred percent.”

Y/N gave Dean the stink eye before glancing over at Sam for confirmation. Sam nodded his head. “Yeah, it’s true,” Sam agreed, “Dean’s pretty straight forward. And when he’s actually with someone, he’s faithful and loyal all the way through.”

“Whatever,” Y/N growled under her breath, but loud enough for Dean and Sam to hear.

Dean held a triumphant look on his face as he finished his sandwich. “Well, if you fellas will excuse me, I’ve got a hot date with… Clarissa,” he sang.

“Seriously? But you just got home,” Sam chastised.

“What can I say? The chicks love me.” With that said, Dean disappeared into his room to get ready.

“I can’t believe he’s your brother,” Y/N groaned, picking her food up and taking a unattractively large bite.

Two Days Later…

It was well passed midnight and Dean was sound asleep when there was a knock at the front door. The first set went unheard. It wasn’t until the second series of knuckles against wood that he peeked his eyes open, unsure if he’d heard that or just imagined it. As he was about to fall back asleep, the knocking came again, causing him to groan in annoyance. He flipped his body onto his other side, trying to get comfortable and ignore whoever was at the door, hoping that they would take the hint and leave.

The knocking started up again, this time not letting up. The constant banging eventually got him out of bed, stomping out of his room in nothing but his boxers, and to the front door. “Who the fuck?” Dean growled as he undid all three locks, the one on the knob, the deadlock, followed by the chain.

“What?” He snapped as he yanked the door open. His eyes narrowed, and brows furrowed deeper when he saw Y/N standing in front of him. “Sam’s not here,” he gritted before slamming the door on her face. As he was about to turn and leave, he heard her sob from behind the wooden barrier, causing his body to go stiff. “Fuck,” he droned, knowing that if she was crying, he couldn’t leave her out there. Seconds later, guilt swarmed his insides and he cursed under his breath. “Son of a bitch.”

Sighing deeply, Dean turned and opened the door again, this time a lot gentler. He scanned her up and down, noticing she was in her business attire. She looked a little disheveled. Her hair was falling out of the bun she had it in, her cheeks were red, and her eyes were slightly swollen with tears streaming down her face.

“Come in,” Dean instructed, voice softer and lighter than earlier.

She did as she was told without any hesitation and sat on the couch, her face buried in her hands and body trembling. As she cried alone, Dean went into his room, grabbing a few things before returning to the living room.

“Here,” he said, tossing a towel, a spare toothbrush (still in the plastic), and one of his shirts, beside her. “Get cleaned up and then we’ll talk, okay?”

Y/N looked up at him with a surprised look, but didn’t say anything. Her eyes, on it’s own accord, travelled down Dean’s body, finally noticing for the first time, that he was only clad in his boxer briefs. Dean cleared his throat at her wondering eyes and she quickly snapped her head back up at him. She nodded her head and grabbed everything he’d given her and made her way to the bathroom. Dean retreated into his room, throwing on sweatpants before going back to wait for her on the couch, now completely awake.

When she walked out, the first thing Dean noticed was the way she looked in his shirt. It was practically a dress on her, stopping mid thigh. A light blush dusted across his star-freckled cheeks. There was no denying that she looked good in his clothes, and with her long hair wet and dripping, it only made her all the more delectable, but now wasn’t the time to be having those sort of thoughts.

With the towel in her hands, she walked over to Dean, standing in front of him like a wounded animal. Dean stood up, towering over her and grabbed the towel, tossing it over her head to help her dry her hair. As he did, Y/N started to cry again, taking a step closer to Dean and wrapping her arms tightly around his torso. The gesture made him stiffen, unsure of what to do, but eventually, he relaxed in her hold, using one hand to rub her back while the other cupped her head against his chest.

“Hey, you’re okay,” Dean whispered, removing the towel from her now messy mop of a head and tossing it onto the coffee table. They stayed like that for a few minutes, Dean waiting for any kind of reply. When she said, or did, nothing, he maneuvered her down to the couch, sitting beside her. “Wanna talk about it?” He asked, his arm draped over her shoulder as she leaned into him.

“He… I caught… that—that bastard… he cheat—, my bed…” she managed to stammer out between ragged cries.

“Hey, c’mon. Breathe. Calm down. I can’t understand you if you don’t calm down. Breath and tell me what happened,” he encouraged, trying to get her to settle a bit.

“Gordon… he—” Her voice caught in her throat.

“He what, Y/N? What did Gordon do?” Dean’s voice was low and deep, which Y/N found soothing.

“He cheated on me,” she answered, barely a whisper. “I—I called him earlier to tell him that I was going to be working late at the firm, that I’d be home around two a.m. but I managed to get out by midnight, and when I got home… I caught him with another girl in our bed… in my bed! It’s my apartment,” you sniffed before breaking down again.

“Hey, shh,” Dean leaned back against the couch, wrapping both arms around her. When she finally calmed down, Dean pulled away slightly. “Why don’t you get some sleep? You can crash on the couch, or in Sam’s room if you want. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. I think he’d prefer that option best.”

Y/N shook her head. “I—I don’t want to be a-alone,” she confessed, looking up at Dean with her sad, tear-glossed, eyes.

Dean gulped, knowing this was going to be a bad idea, but offered anyways. “Wanna crash with me in my room?”

Y/N didn’t hesitate or show any sign of discomfort in Dean’s proposal and nodded in affirmation. Dean stood up, reaching his hand out for her. Her hand fell into place, her small one fitting perfectly in his expansive palm as he pulled her alone with him. Her grip tightened instinctively, almost like a child not wanting to get lost from their parents in room full of people. Dean’s heart pounded against his chest. That was a new feeling for him. He and Y/N had never shared an exchange this… soft. They were always arguing, always at odd ends, always putting each other down.

Dean shut his bedroom door behind him, letting Y/N crawl under the covers first. He watched her curl into herself before pulling the covers off on his side and getting in. He turned his back towards her, in attempt to put some boundaries and give her some space. Also it helped control his new found urges.

He wanted to hold her, comfort her, feel her against him. But this was Y/N he was thinking about. She didn’t like him, and he didn’t like her… yeah… he didn’t like her. Besides, she was in too much of a vulnerable state for him to put any kind of move on her. It wouldn’t be right.

Finally closing his eyes, he felt Y/N move behind him and suddenly, her body was pressed against his back, her arms wrapping themselves around his stomach. “I’m sorry,” she said, voice muffled from her face buried in his back. “You were right. I couldn’t keep my boyfriend, and he was cheating on me. He’s always been cheating on me. You were right all along,” she confessed, her voice cracking again as she began to cry. “I must really fucking suck.”

Dean felt guilty. Sure, he and Y/N weren’t exactly friends, but he’d never wish this sort of heartbreak on his worst enemy. And yes, he’s told her she wouldn’t be able to keep a boyfriend and that Gordon was probably sleeping around because she had a constant stick up her ass, but he never meant any of those things. He was only trying to hurt her ego the same way she did his whenever she called him a, “pussy afraid of commitment,” a “playboy,” or when she would tell him that he’d “forever be alone.”

Twisting in her arms so he was facing her, Dean pulled her into his chest, his arms wrapped securely around her shoulders. “Stop. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Besides, I never meant any of the things I’ve said,” Dean admitted. “You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this kind of pain… this kind of betrayal. That jackass didn’t deserve you.”

“No. You were right. I know you hate me. Despite you being so nice to me now, whether you just feel sorry for me or not, you’re probably eating it up. The Great Dean Winchester is always right.”

“Seriously, stop,” Dean commanded, pushing her slightly away from him, just enough so that his emerald eyes could meet hers. “I don’t hate you. I never did.”

Y/N didn’t say anything, gazing into his gorgeous eyes. She blinked, letting a stray tear slide down the side of her face and seep into the sheets, as her eyes fell to Dean’s lips. His eyes did the same, finding a strong urge to kiss her, but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Not like this. Not when she was weak.

“C’mon, rest up. We’ll talk in the morning.” Dean pulled her back into his chest, allowing her to snuggle up closer. She took a deep breath, letting his scent put her at ease, before letting out a shaky breath.

“Okay,” she replied, quickly falling asleep.

Dean woke up with his face buried against something soft. He moaned in approval, pressing his face deeper into it. His hands graced over something smooth, warm, and soft, clutching tighter in it’s comfort. When a high pitched moan rang through his ears, his eyes snapped open just as the memories of hours earlier slammed back to him like a freight train.

His grip loosened and he pulled his head back only to find himself staring at Y/N covered breasts, and his body tangle with Y/N’s. The blanket was hanging over the edge of the bed, one of her legs were draped over his with her arms around his neck, one hand buried in his short tresses, while the other rested on his chest. Dean definitely couldn’t ignore that the shirt he’d let her borrow had pooled around her waist, her lacy panties in perfect view.

“Son of a bitch,” he grumbled to himself, his morning wood twitching at the sight. He rolled over onto his back, letting out a frustrated sigh.

Disturbed by his movement’s, Y/N moaned in her sleep, cuddling back into Dean’s side, her head resting on his bare chest, as her free arm slithered their way down from his chest, over his stomach, and resting dangerously close to his now throbbing member. She was going to be the death of him.

“Dean,” she called his name. He stiffened, eyes casting over her to see if she was awake, but she wasn’t. “Dean,” she said his name again, this time her eyes fluttering open. She looked in a daze, as if she was still half asleep, and maybe she was.

“Y/N?”

She blinked the sleep away, her eyes coming back to life. “Dean…” she breathed, and before he knew it, her lips were on his. Dean thought about drawing away, but he couldn’t. The feel of her lips against his felt too good to stop. It felt right. His arms guided her on top of him, her legs on either side of his hips. With the new position, the kiss deepened. Dean let out a loud moan into her mouth as she grinded against him, his throbbing cock becoming almost painful.

Reluctantly, Dean found the will to push her away. As much as he didn’t mind being a rebound, he couldn’t do that to Y/N. He couldn’t do that to Sam. Y/N was his best friend, which practically made her off limits.

“Y/N, I can’t. I don’t want to do anything you’re gonna regret,” Dean announced. “Besides, you’re my baby brother’s best friend. I couldn’t do that to him.”

Y/N was about to give a response when they both heard the front door open and shut.

“Dean!” They heard Sam call from outside of his room. “Did Y/N come by last night?” Sam’s bedroom door opened and closed, the force slightly reverberating through the thin walls.

“Shit, shit, shit! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Dean cursed softly, pushing Y/N off of him, and getting out of bed, trying to hide his raging boner. Y/N did nothing but sit on the bed watching him scurry around his room as he pulled on a shirt and tucked his hard on in the waistband of his sweatpants. When he noticed Y/N just sitting there, he frowned. “What are you doing?”

A smiled spread across her lips right before she started to giggle. Dean’s shirt was inside out and backwards, the tag under his chin, and tucking his boner in his waistband did nothing to hid the fact that he was hard. Not to mention, his lips were kiss-swollen, and she had left a nice little reminded on the pulse of his neck.

“What’s so funny?” Dean queried, his demeanor shifting into something similar to hers.

“You’re a hot mess, right now. Sam’s gonna know you’ve got a girl in here.”

“Yeah, well I’m glad you’re finding his hilarious, but if you don’t think of something quick, he’s gonna find out that you’re in here!” He stated, but it did nothing to sway her thoughts.

“Dean!” Sam shouted again, this time closer to his bedroom door.

Right when Y/N opened her mouth to speak, Dean noticed that his door was left unlocked. He was about to lunge towards the door when it whipped open, and there stood Sam, eyes landing on Dean’s before shifting to Y/N. “You’re fucking kidding, right?” He deadpanned.

“Sam, it’s not what it looks like!” Dean raised his hands in surrender. “I swear. Nothing happened.”

Sam scoffed, rolling his eyes as he retreated back into the living room, Dean following close behind. “Sammy, seriously. It’s not what you think.” Sam stared at Dean unconvinced. “Fine, we made out a little, but that’s it. I swear. She came over last night, you weren’t here, and when I told her she could crash in your room, she said she didn’t want to be alone, so I offered to be a… to be a… ‘friend.’ And then this morning, things just kind of got… out of hand.”

Y/N walked out, catching Sam’s hazel eyes. “He’s telling the truth,” she assured.

“Y/N, I told you to stay in my room,” Sam directed at her, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Sam, I know, but I really didn’t want to be alone. And Dean was, surprisingly, a real gentleman through it all. If it makes you feel any better, I put the first moves on him,” Y/N revealed.

“Oh god, it really doesn’t make me feel any better,” Sam gagged. “Besides, I thought you two hated each other?”

“I did hate Dean, until he took care of me,” Y/N shrugged. “And for some strange reason, being around him actually really helped get Gordon out of my head.”

“Since we’re all being honest here, I’ve also got a confession to make…” Dean started, “… I never really hated Y/N.” Dean caught her eyes before speaking again. “I was just irritated because she was still with that douche, Gordon Walker. The guy didn’t deserve her. She deserved better, and every time she’d come over talking about some new shit he was doing, it only pissed me the fuck off. I’m sorry Y/N, but that prick doesn’t deserve you.”

“Hold up,” Sam cut in. “Are you telling us that the only reason you’ve been the biggest jerk was because you were jealous?” A smug smirk spread across Sam’s face, while Dean’s eyes widened. He’s been caught. Sam hit it directly on the nose.

“W-what?” Dean stuttered.

“What?!” Y/N gawked, unable to believe what was being said.

“Oh Dean. Big Brother…” Sam teased. “But hey. Think of it this way. Killing two birds with one stone. Dean get’s the girl, and Y/N is no longer with that asshole,” Sam shrugged. “Anyways, since everything is more than good here, I’m gonna head back to Eileen’s place. Remember, be safe! Wrap it before you tap it!” Sam chuckled, reveling in the opportunity to being able to make Dean embarrassed for once. How the tables have turned—”

The door shut behind Sam, leaving Y/N and Dean to stand in awkward silence. “Uh…” Dean attempted to kill the quiet, but failing hard.

“Is it true?” Y/N jumped in. “You were jealous this whole time?” Her eyes landed on his. Dean couldn’t lie to her. Not any more.

“Yeah,” he sighed, figuring there was no point in trying to deny it now. He was thoroughly embarrassed, and he might as well get it over with now rather than later.

“All this time you were being a dick, it was because you were jealous of Gordon…” she repeated, stepping closer Dean until she stood in front of him.

“How couldn’t I be? He didn’t deserve you. You were way too good for him.”

“And who would be better for me? Who deserves someone like me?” Y/N questioned, fishing for a particular response.

“I deserve you,” Dean declared, and before he could say another word, Y/N jumped into his arms, legs wrapping around his waist and her hands tangling themselves in his short locks as her lips assaulted his. Dean didn’t hesitate to hold her close, reciprocating the gesture with just as much heat.

“Now show me what it’s like to be with man who really deserves me,” Y/N cooed as she broke the kiss with an obnoxious smack.

Dean quickly obliged, not hesitating to carrying her back to his bedroom, kicking the door behind him. “Sweetheart, I’ll make sure that no other man will ever make you feel the way I do,” he promised, dropping her on the bed like a rag-doll.

Y/N giggled, spreading her legs wide open. “I’m waiting.”

Dean grinned before jumping on top of her, Y/N squealing with laughter, her heart no long heavy with the loss of Gordon Walker. Why have him when she could have Dean Winchester?

--

A/N: I totally forgot I had this ready to be posted! lol. Sorry I’ve been holding out. Also, sorry that I haven’t been posting lately. 

Liked it? Reblog it, Share it, and Leave some Feedback! I would really appreciate it!!

Say Something Nice Here!!

#spndeanbingo #SPN Dean Bingo 2019 #dean winchester #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #dean winchester one shot #dean one shot #dean winchester fan fiction #dean fan fiction #dean winchester fanfic #dean fanfic #reader insert #dean winchester x you #dean x you #spn #supernatural #spn fan fiction #supernatural fan fiction #Brother's Best Friend #squirrel-moose-winchester #dean winchester au #dean au

[1-800-channie]

Cigarettes & Mint | Chapter 3

→ Chapter: 1  |  2  |  3  | 4 |  5

→ Genre: Very Angst / Fluff / Very Suggestive / Highschool!Au

→ Warning: Strong language; slight eating disorders; cursing; getting drunk; bullying; sexual themes; heartbroken; 

→ Pairing: Badboy!Hyunjin x Innocent!Reader;

→ Summary: When your ego is bigger than your brain, you don’t mind breaking someone’s heart. As soon as the smell of cigarettes and mint invade your nostrils, your heart starts beating faster and your life starts falling apart. I bet you will end up broken.

→ Playlist for the Chapter:

  ↳ Falling for You - Peachy ↳ Last Thing - Jack and Jack  ↳  Just Dance - BTS (J Hope solo) ↳ Slow Down - Chase Atlantic  ↳ No Limit - G Easy ft Cardi B and ASAP Rocky  ↳ Candy - The Rose  ↳ Blue Side - J Hope

→ Words: +4K

→ N/A: Hiii everyone! I just want to clarify that some things that may seem a bit confusing now, will be explained later, please be patient. This chapter is really long and important, the playlist is bigger because i couldn’t choose just five songs…Prepare your heart ;)

[Previous] [Next] [Masterlist]

[01:00 PM/  DAY TWO OF THE BET]

‘Just Dance’ is one of the greatest songs you have ever listened to. J Hope’s voice never fails to put you in an enjoyable mood. Mumbling the lyrics silently and getting lost on the hypnotizing beat, you put your computer and the romance book you are currently reading on your locker, that is full with sticky notes, so you won’t forget important things. Like the movie night that you do every Wednesday with Hendery at his house, where you both cuddle, drink beer and watch memes at 4 AM.

As you finish organizing your locker with the new things you closed the door, only to find an unknown body leaned against the wall, a smirk placed on his filled lips. You weren’t expecting him to be there, causing you to be surprised and scream in fear.

But you had no time to actually. Because his large hand was upon your lips to shut you up. With widened eyes, you finally understood who it was, and you felt your body vibrate just by securing eyes with him. His dark brown orbs were even more impressive just a few inches away from your appearance, and the mole under his right eyelid was the cutest thing you have ever seen.

“Can i take my hand off now?” Hyunjin questioned laughing. “You won’t scream anymore, right?” He jokes, knowing pretty well that he startled you, that’s why you screamed.

The people walking by would be interested in what was going on if it wasn’t Hyunjin, but the tall smoker seems to terrify everyone, so one even dares to speak to him.

You shake your head from one side to the other, telling him, no, to get a reaction out of him. But it wasn’t what you expected. He came closer to your ear and murmured:

“Then should I shut you up with my lips?” The smirk on his lips made it harder not to blush and kinda tempted, your hands took his hand away from your mouth.

You felt warm all over…

“No-no dont do-do that ill shut up.” You stuttered.

That simple action made he tall boy close his eyes, throw his eyes back and bite his lip. God damn, how could you be so fucking ideal? His body really needs you under him, just so the memories of his fantasies would go away.

After he dropped you at home, yesterday, he went straight to bed, the guilt was burning him alive and he needed to overlook it. He lighted a cigarette and laid down on his bed, hoping the faulty feeling would fade away with the clouds smoke.

He fell asleep sometime after, but for his poor luck, you were in his dreams, dressed only in his white T-Shirt, your nipples noticeable and your hair disordered because of him. The images of your whiny moans, your bushy cheeks… He truly was getting crazy.

“Do you need anything?” You ask, bringing him back to his mind. What did he want from you this time?

The truth is that the goal for today is to push you away from Hendery. Starting by going to lunch with you.

“Wanna have lunch with me?” Hyunjin suggested with a genuine smile.

“I always eat with-”

“I heard he had a school trip today, and he isn’t here… May i be your company?” He insisted, interrupting you.

Your head brought the memories of what happened in the canteen just two days ago, and your entire body quivered. He is going to bullie you again… But would he really? Even after yesterday’s phenomenal date?

“Well… Hmmm… I’ll eat alone, it’s alright.” You denied him and started to walk away from him towards the Canteen.

He couldn’t let you go…

Something inside of you, probably your brain, was advising you to walk faster, get away from him. Something is incorrect, your mind knows it… But of course you only listen to your heart, and when Jin called your name you stopped right where you were:

“Please, princess…” That nickname… “I’ll buy you food! Everything you want!” He told you while grabbing your hand, and looking in your deep brown eyes. He knows you are too weak, especially when it comes to him.

“Ok, ok, fine… Lets go.” You agreed giving up.

Hyunjin yelled ‘YES’ making you giggle, he even did a tiny jump, his eyes sealed and a lovely smile on his appearance.

Before you could prepare what was going on he was running and pulling you with him, crossing the noisy and loaded street, arriving at the supermarket just in a few minutes.

“What do you want to eat?” Hyunjin questioned cutely, his arm sneaking his way around your marked waist, instantly making you shy.

“Hmm, i dont know…” You answer flustered, he is paying for the food, so you feel like you shouldn’t waste too much money, and also, if he saw how much you actually eat, he would be disgusted.

“I will eat..NOODLES”  He screamed, making you laugh quietly, and slap his shoulder playfully.

The market has multiple people within, and they dont need a turbulent teen yelling. When he feels your ‘slap’ he pouts and starts fake crying, eyes shut closed.

You are in public now, is he for real? What is the best way to shut him up?

You move near to him, while he still is fake crying and pouting and you peck his lips. It was quick, but enough to make you feel shy. He barely felt your lips against his, but the warmth and softness made it pretty clear that you kiss him.

When he forced his eyes open you were already running away from him, getting lost on the infinite corridors full with food and candy. He bites his lip, cursing at himself, and runs after you, hearing you laugh in an exciting way.

Of course, he caught you simply, your small legs didn’t run half as his long ones, so his arms wrapped itself around your waist and he pulled you against his body. The essence of cigarets and mint invaded your nose, and you smiled, his embrace felt just like home.

You lingered like that for a total minute. You could feel his heartbeat in your back, beating naturally, the opposite of yours, that felt like collapsing with love. Hyunjin used that time to let your sweet perfume invade his nostrils.

“Can you let me go?” You ask, tilting your head to the side so you could see his handsome face. He shakes his head from one side to the other.

“You are such a bad girl… Not giving me enough time to taste you and then running away from me after…” His seductive voice narrates you. “What should be your punishment?” He hmm’s, acting like he was thinking of something, but the shyness was taking your whole body and you escaped his safe arms.

“I’ll eat some fruits.” You changed the subject. “Oh, look… Pineapple.” You said awkwardly, picking up the cold plastic box with the fruit cut in cubes.

Hyunjin shut a laugh that almost escaped his plump lips from your panicked reaction with his hand.

“You are only eating that? Are you crazy?” He said in an annoyed tone. “You will eat noddles, drink some juice and eat the fruits, you understand?” He adverted you pointing his index finger and almost touching your nose.

You nodded shyly.

After he paid for everything, both of you wandered shortly to a park, where there was a children’s playground, bright colors giving a happy aura to it… All around you, there were tall trees full with leaves painted in vivid green, the birds were singing and you loved it, it felt so natural and innocent.

“This is pretty…” You confess amazed, examining the trees and enjoying the fresh smell of the growing grass.

“You never came here before?” He asked sitting on the wooden bench and starting to eat the noodles. At the supermarket he heated some water and shed it on the noddle cup because it needed two minutes to be ready, so he could eat it as soon as he arrived at the spot.

“No… i dont really leave my bedroom…Only to go to Hendery’s place.” You pathetically said, turning around.

In your back, the smoker rolled his eyes and pretended to throw up, on the mention of your perfect best friend.

“You are so rude, didn’t even wait for me.” You pouted, as you sat next to him, starting to eat the tasty food.

“I’m sorry, princess, I’m very hungry…” He smiled shyly. “Next time i will wait for you.” He winked.

Wait, he said… next time? So he plans to be with you again…

You ate the food quietly, the only audible sounds were you and him chewing, the happy laughs of a child playing on the playground, and the chirping of the free birds, that were flying around, above your head.

As you ate everything, your hungriness felt satisfied. You missed this feeling… The feeling of eating without worrying about your parents yelling at you that you are too fat.

You stood up and walked around for a bit, but the sun felt too hot, burning your pale skin in an annoying way and you sat on the fresh grass, laying down your body right after. It felt great, the cold feeling of the grass against your heated body.

Hyunjin laid down beside you, admiring your happy face and wondering what would feel like to be as calm as you, not having worries, not having to be worried to come home and met a drunk mom yelling at her young son because his father disappeared without a sign and broke her heart.

Little did he know what you lived with your dad because your parents were divorced.

“You look really pretty like this, lemme take a picture of you…” He warned you, but you were too caught in the birds flying in the sky to listen. “Woahh~ look how pretty!” Hyunjin recognized you, and when you noticed yourself on his phone you widened your eyes and took his phone out of his hands, ready to delete the proves of this secret moment.

You started to run away from him again, the wind pushing your hair back, his phone on your hands, while you tried to make that picture disappear.

The next thing you felt was your head banging against something hard and your body falling backward on the grass. Hyunjin laughed loudly, almost losing balance as he watched you rub your forehead in pain, a cute pout on your lips and small tears appearing at the corners of your eyes.

He hovered you, resting his weight on both of his forearms, placed by the side of your head, his legs resting in the middle of yours. The position immediately made the pain you felt disappear only to be replaced by a shy sensation that took over your body.

Hyunjin’s experienced lips kissed your forehead, at the exact place where you banged it, and nextly he took a look at your red cheek, you couldn’t look more adorable.

“This time you can’t run from me.” He asserted against your lips and kissed you right after. His margins were gentle with you, they pecked yours a couple of times, so after he could lick your lips to ask for permission to slide inside your mouth without scaring you.

The feeling of his cold lip ring meeting your lip made you moan against his mouth instantly, turning you on unconsciously, and that only motivated him to kiss you harder, but still with care. His tongue playfully fighting with yours.  

You felt his large, veiny hand graze over your stomach, then higher, where his fingertips softly brushed your boob. You whined, biting his bottom lip and gently pulling away, his hand was, now, caressing your cheeks:

“I’ve wanted to do this for a while.” He confesses rolling to the side, falling by your side.

“Hyunjin…” You whispered breathless, your lips glistening from the kiss. “That was my first kiss…” You confess, looking at the clouds, too embarrassed to face him.

“Really?” The big boy next to you asked. “That’s great… I’m glad to be your first.”

This wasn’t what his brain was supposed to let his mouth slip… Shit, he is already getting attached, and it’s only been almost two days.

He needs to make you his fast, so he won’t fall in deeper. The party Minho is throwing today seems the best option, he can get you a little drunk, enough to make you open up and feel less shy, but remember what happened.

“Do you want to come to a party with me later?” He challenges you, licking his lips in hope.

You thought for a bit, you never leave your house, not because your father didn’t let you, but because you feel more comfortable there. Your dad complains that you need to live more, and this seems a great time to try it.

And deep down, this is a fabulous opportunity to get more intimate to Hyunjin…

“Yeah, i can go.” You answer surprising Hyunjin.

“You want to?” He questions in doubt.

“Yeah… When will you pick me up?” You ask staring at his surprised face, thinking how cute he looked with messy hair.

“I’ll be there at 10 PM.” He informs you with a smirk.

‘Well, this was way too easy’ Hyunjin recognizes to himself… Tonight, he will use you, and then he will leave you, so he can move on with his life without being bothered by you.

His thoughts make him smirk, but when he takes a look at your radiant smile, he nearly wants to give up on the stupid bet.

[10:00 PM/  DAY TWO OF THE BET]

Hyunjin waited patiently at the front door of your house, for you, feeling a little more nervous than he thought he should. He wasn’t expecting you to open the door, he thought that your mom or dad would have done it because its what usually happens in movies… right?

You looked simple and innocent, as usual. Your hair was completely straight, falling on your shoulders flawlessly, the makeup you are wearing is the usual, nude lipstick and black eyeliner drawn experiencedly on your eyes, your lashes looked long and graceful. The black plain t-shirt was stuffed under your striped patterned skirt that reached the middle of your thigh, in black and white. On your feet, your high heels were also dark and made you taller and chic.

He expected you to use a tight dress that would make your ass pop out, but this seemed just like you, and still, you manage to look magnificent.

“How am i?” You ask looking at your feet. “I never went to a party so i dont really know what to wear…” You confess shy.

“You look ethereal, princess,” Hyunjin smirks. “So, can you gimme your number, so if i lose you inside i can call you, and go after you?.”

“Oh well, my phone broke and i dont have another one… So hm… It’s useless.” So that’s why he never saw you with your phone, yours is broken.

“It’s alright. That means i will have to stay close to you all night…” Hyunjin replied in a flirty tone. You laughed.

“Dont leave me alone there, please.” You joke as both of you walk back to his car, the streets were illuminated by the city lights, night butterflies flying around them.

When the car was leaving, you took the time to pay attention to him and his outfit. As typical, he looked sinful:

The white t-shirt he was wearing was hidden under a large blue jacket, he was wearing a pair of black ripped jeans, that hugged his legs excellently, especially his glorious thighs. The lip ring was the same silver colored one, just like the necklace he had resting on his chest.

“You are staring, Sun.” He warned you without taking his eyes out of the road but smirking.

“Oh.. I’m sorry, you just look hot…” You confess in middle of laughs, he shakes his head, laughing as well.

The rest of the ride was calm but heated. His hand was sensually resting on your knee, and sometimes, is fingers would travel a little further up in your leg, making you shiver.

Hyunjin loved to see you all shy and in a loss of words.

“Welcome home!” Minho shouted at both of you loudly, the music from the living room was loud, and he could barely even hear himself.

“Yeah, whatever.” The brown-haired boy hissed while taking your hand and dragging you away from his nasty best friend in a guarding way.

“Have fun!” Minho yelled once again, a naughty smirk placed on his thin lips that made you feel in risk.

Hyunjin noticed how your expression changed and he hugged you, your face was hidden in his chest while he wrapped his arms around your waist, his brain was cloudy in fear, guilt, and anger.

“I’ll defend  you, dont worry, princess.” He whispered in your ear and he caressed your hair affectionately.

As soon as he saw the disgusting grin on his best friend face he felt like the fault would swallow him alive. He is starting to feel something for you, and he can’t. He can’t love you the way you do, he can’t be there, you deserve someone like Hendery, not someone like him.

The only way of him to forget this is to drink, even though he prefers to smoke, the alcohol never fails to make him feel better. The worries being temporarily replaced with joy.

“YOU WANNA BEER? COKE?” He asks yelling, the music was way too heavy, and it was echoing inside his head like a spell.

“I ACCEPT A BEER.” You answer back yelling as well. Hyunjin gives you a sign to stay where you are, and you do so.

The music was good, G easy was one of your favorite rappers, and while “Him and I” was playing you mumbled the lyrics perfectly, loving the relaxed atmosphere.

Changbin was watching you from far away, sprawled on the couch drinking some Sprite. A pretty girl all over him, but she wasn’t you… As soon as he caught you alone he stood up and went to talk to you:

“Hey Kim Sun, how are you?” He asked sweetly close to your ear. He is shorter than Hyunjin, but still just a few inches taller than you.

“I’ve been good, thanks, Binnie.” You answer him by his nickname.

Shit, you haven’t called him that in so long… He misses being your friend. He misses your loud laugh, he missed how both of you would spill the lyrics to the best rappers on the English and Korean industry together.

That stupid Hendery had to come and tear you apart from him…

“Hyunjin is being good to you?” He asks close to your ear again, the guilt of agreeing with his friends making him go crazy.

“Yes, he is so friendly and playful…” You tell him, naive.

“Sunny…” He starts by using your favorite nickname. “I got something to confess to you…”

For Hyunjin’s sake, he caught his friend talking to you and got back to your side in a rush.

“Changbin, man. Leave her alone.” Hyunjin says between his teeth. “You can’t see me with a girl that you try to take her away from me.”

The short man rolls his eyes and winks at you, walking away without saying a word.                              

Hyunjin seemed stressed, something in his face was clear that it was wrong. You wanted to ask if everything is alright, but you’re afraid of being disturbing.

“What was he talking about?” The lip ringed boy asks while handing you the beer.

“No big deal, just asking how am i…” You answer taking a big gulp at the alcoholic drink surprising him. “I and Hendery drink beers at his house if you are wondering.” You inform him,  laughing at his shook expression.

As time went by you were lightly drunk, you weren’t feeling flustered anymore, leaving your body do and say what he wanted. Again, G Easy was playing, making an urge to dance fill your veins, so you just sealed your eyes and swung your hips with the beat of ‘no limit’.

You knew the lyrics to all the song, and when you started to yell them while moving your hips around Hyunjin though he was in heaven, where the innocent Kim Sun disappeared and you became a sexy goddess.

His body walked further towards you and squeezed his body upon yours. You leaned your head on his shoulder and made pressure with your ass on his pelvis, whispering in his ear ‘Fuck him then I get some money’ at the same time as Cardi B.

The arousal was trying to take control of Hyun’s weak body, and when you bitted his earlobe he lost it. His big hands gripped your hips and he pressed you harder against him.

The smoke inside the living room was making the scene feel like a dream, the lights were almost dimmed and you looked fucking breathtaking like this.

“Lets get out of here.” He whispered in your ear while dragging you out of the living room and taking you outside to the garden, where a girl was passed out on the grass.

You sat down on the edge of the rectangular pool and took your high heels, emerging your feet inside the not-so-cold water. He looked at you confused, but the moonlight reflecting on your skin was making his drunk body forget everything that wasn’t connected with you.

“You are fun when drunk.” Hyunjin jokes at you, putting a strap of hair behind your ear.

“Hmm, thank you i guess.” You confess sassily, a grin placed on your pale lips.

“I wanna kiss you.”

“Then do it, coward.” You play flirty, eyebrow arched and bottom lip caught between your white teeth.

Hyunjin didn’t think twice, he just invaded your mouth with his. Both of you tasted like beer, but it didn’t bother you. His lips were cold, maybe because it was chilly outside, and the lip ring felt great against your tongue, as you licked his bottom lip.

“Fuck, you are going to be the death of me…” He whispers against your mouths as your lips parted.

You laughed, shaking your head and looking at the sky. The full moon is your favorite thing to admire because it reminded of you. Lonely and underrated.

A wild idea came to your mind, and if you weren’t drunk you would do it, but the alcohol spoke louder than your sober side, and you pushed hyunjin to the pool.

He fell with a noisy, funny, and surprising yell, that made you laugh your ass off. But, sadly for you, as soon as he came up to the surface he pulled your legs and you feel inside too. The temperature of the water is warmer than you expected, because of the icy wind that was out of the pool.

The brown-haired man looked at you in pure desire, you look like the purest yet sexiest angel. Hair wet and lost on the surface of the water, t-shirt glued yo your chest, making it obvious the outlines of your chest and nipples, that were hard because of the sudden change of heat.

He swam towards you, his hands cupped your jaw and he kissed you, hungrily this time, devouring your lips merciless. Gently and without you noticing, he trapped you on the cold pool border.

“Get on my lap, princess.” He demanded you, and so you did obediently, your back pressed against the cold tiles and your legs wrapped around his waist. His lips got attached to your neck and you did nothing to stop him, too lost in the feeling.  His fingers slowly traveled close to your boobs and he massaged them, making your back arch and throw your head back, mouth hanging open and eyes closed shut.

The feeling was indescribable, but you could try. It was like just the simple touch of his fingertips made your body feel on fire, completely burning you alive in desire.

As he bit your collarbones, his slim fingers played with your nipples. You moaned his name loudly, making his ego grow, how he missed this feeling of control:

“Hyunjin~…” You moaned lost in the feeling.

“Tell me what you want, princess…” His seductive tone whispered against your skin.

“I want you to-”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE, KIM SUN!” A familiar voice yelled, scaring both of you. You got off Hyunjin, only to find Hendery in his pijama and a sad expression on his face. “This is why you didn’t come to the movie marathon? To be making out on a pool, with a smoker, in a house that you dont know who belongs to, drunk?”

Your best friend rhetorically asks, and then you remember, today is Wednesday, you should be at his house… You instantly feel guilty.

“Hendery i-” You call him, getting out of the pool and walking towards him.

“No… Dont!” He yells, pointing his finger at you. “You did this. I warned you… I warned you and you still did it.” He says trying to calm himself down, he doesn’t want to hurt you.

Hyunjin also gets out of the pool and stays behind you, admiring the scene.

“HE IS PLAYING WITH YOU SUN! WAKE UP, AN ASSHOLE LIKE HIM DOESN’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!”

“YOU ARE YELLING NONSENSE NOW, DAMN.” You yell back, regretting immediately. “You dont know him the way i do… you don’t even have proofs of what are you saying. Please…” Hendery feels the hot tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I will prove it to you.” He says before storming out of there, leaving you broken and confused behind.

You fall on your knees in tears… What did you just do?

[Previous] [Next] [Masterlist]

#stray kids #hyunjin angst #hyunjin x reader #hyunjin stray kids #stray kids angst #stray kids smut #stray kids fluff #kpop #kpop angst #fanfic #chapter 3 #smoke au #hight school au #hwang hyunjin #changbin #minho #hendery #female reader #angst #kpop smut #hyunjin imagines #hyunjin au #hyunjin fluff #hyunjin smut

[strawarmada]

The Go-Ware Set and it's Awesomeness (A story about a chance meeting, old school sales, and buffalo sauce tofu)

It's 11:30 am on a Friday in the middle of August, 2019. There's a familiar, yet unwelcome grumbling in the center of my belly. I'm halfway through my shift at Whole Foods as a Grocery Team Member. This is about the time my hunger starts to rebel against my work ethic and makes a viable stand against my ignoring of its presence. I make my way over to the hot bar to scope out what the offerings of tofu smothered in random sauces are on the menu today. OH HOT DAMN!!! Buffalo Sauce Tofu is glowing in bright glorious orange steam filled deliciousness, beckoning me to indulge. And believe you me, I will.

This is my "real" job. I'm also the Founder of Straw Armada, a Eco-Conscious straw company that donates $.50 of every straw (or item) back to organizations that are helping to clean the oceans of plastic pollution and debris. I'm 40 and homie needs benefits!!

Working at a Whole Foods is an ideal workplace for someone who is Eco-conscious. They have a variety of options for your waste. A can for recycling, a can for compost, and a can for waste that is neither (items that unfortunately go to the dump). Every day after picking up my smothered mystery sauce tofu, I cringed as I approached the condiment station having to grab a plastic utensil. Albeit, these utensils are recycled. I will also throw them into the recyclable waste bin when I'm done.  But something about contributing to the use an item that will get 15 minutes of life out of me and immediately be discarded into an existence of meaninglessness is a cause of such shame and guilt for me. As it should be.

The amount of plastic items that are used in this way in just America alone is absolutely staggering. I mean staggering!! 40 BILLION. That's the number annually in our country that gets used and a very small portion of that gets recycled.

With this fact in mind, I immediately began to search for an alternative for this online. Was there anything I could carry with me to work each day in my messenger bag? I could essentially bring some metal utensils from home with me. Then I'd have to wrap them in something so they didn't get dirty (lord knows what's lingering in the bottom of my bag). How could I bring reusable utensils with me easily and keep them clean and separate? That's when I stumbled across an ad.

It took me all of 2 seconds to be suckered in by what I saw in the photo connected to this ad.

I could see there was a set of 5 Bamboo items all neatly organized into a beige case I could roll up and snap closed.  It consisted of a fork (for stabbing tofu), a spoon (for collecting tofu sauce), a knife (no explanation needed), Chopsticks (F*CKING CHOPSTICKS MAN!), a Bamboo straw and even a straw cleaner. NEED!!!

I purchased this set for what felt like a bit steep of a price ($16.99) and waited patiently for its arrival by mail. Being in the E commerce industry, I knew to expect a few weeks for delivery. In the meantime, I brought a fork wrapped in a dish rag. This was no way to live I might add. On a Monday afternoon, my shipment arrived and it was like Eco Christmas!!

I was honestly just excited to go to work the next day to unveil these puppies. There's a very evident stigma with the BYO crowd. People look at you funny. Think you're a germaphobe, or a just a wack job. I think the general public needs a severe desensitization to reusable items. Cups have made the transition nicely. It's now the time for straws and utensils to become commonplace.  

With great pride and excitement, I unrolled my set for it's first official debut. It was everything I dreamed it would be. Now I completely understand if you think I'm being overly dramatic about this experience. I am. As an environmentally empathic human, these simple lifestyle hacks that help to relieve my footprint shame are difficult to quantify. These are the moments my friends.

Within minutes, and as expected, i was approached by a woman who was, almost uncomfortably, staring at my new bamboo friends with a intent to either

a) steal them, or,

b) take a bite out my lunch

Her first words were "Gimme your utensils bro!"

No seriously she said "Where can I get those?"

I told her I found them online. I mentioned how I worked there and everyday at lunch, I needed reusable utensils so I didn't need to use plastic. She went on to tell me she was interested in the movement of banning single use plastics and wasn't really sure what things she could do to help. Just to do her part. As I usually say when discussing this with people, I stated "Just don't do nothing. Change something about your life that cuts back on the footprint you leave." Of course shamelessly, I mentioned "My name is Nikko and I own an Eco-friendly straw company that donates back to ocean clean up." I recommended she go to StrawArmada.com to pick up a straw and help me to help our cause. She said "I'm Anya. It's too bad you don't offer these utensils too because I would absolutely buy them from you if I could." It was like a lightning bolt!! I had to find out where to buy these and how I could offer them on my site.

I spent that evening searching for a supplier for these items with not only a price point that would allow me to offer them reasonably priced, but also of the quality I expected from my own purchases. After some research, I had selected my supplier and worked out a fair deal and I immediately updated my site with our newest item.

MONTHLY FEATURED ECO-ITEM: The Go-Ware Set. Priced at $10.99, with Free Shipping.

E commerce is a tough business. It takes relentlessness and determination to even get people to your page, much less purchase items. I entered this business with a goal to offer affordable Eco-friendly items that reduce waste and to give a portion of those sales back to help clean the oceans of all this crap we throw away that pollutes our world and endangers our wildlife and ourselves. I owe it to our mother to be an earth child she benefits from creating, not to her detriment. I'm a visitor on her stage and I don't want to be a cancer. I want to be a help.

At approximately 9 pm the following evening, I heard that certain ding from my phone that brings me immense amounts of joy. That sound that lets me know some other kind soul has just donated $.50 more cents to my cause. As usual I checked the order to prepare it for fulfillment. And there in the customer column is the name Anya. It's a unique name and I knew it had to be the same Anya that approached me looking like she was about to steal my stuff. There was a order for 5 of these sets. 5!!!!

I always write a personal email to each and every new customer that makes a purchase from my page. I honestly appreciate every sale in a way that's hard to explain. The work and the effort I've put into this company is emotionally tangible for me and I am paid back, not with profits, but with acceptance by the online shoppers community.

I received a response within minutes of my email. It was her.

In short, the email consisted of her appreciation for the advice and passion I exuded about the topic. She said she bought a set for everyone in her family and wished me success in my venture.

I wanted to share this story because it provided me a unique sense of purpose and meaning. The individual connection with a customer that was made and hopefully the impact our introduction will carry on rippling through time. This is why I started this. To feel this way. Straw Armada is not yet profitable in economic terms. In emotional currency, I am being paid more than I deserve.

Thank you Anya.....

Nikko Raptoulis - Founder of Straw Armada

#eco friendly #bamboo cutlery #sustainableliving #savetheoceans #PlasticFree #donate #straw armada #plasticpollution #zerowaste #environment #nature #singleuseplastic #singleusesucks #plasticocean #reuseablestraw #green #go green #noplastic #travel straw #reducewaste

[atrabiliousse]

OH could you do obsidian with the boyz hwall? that would be soooooooo cool HAHAHA

i got a bit carried away with this one, i hope it’s okay babes!! 💓

Obsidian with Hwall

The frantic knocking on the door was the last thing Hyunjoon had imagined waking up to in the morning, even more so when he opened the door to see a very frazzled you, clutching a fish bowl and a plastic bag.

Your eyes are too wild for the very early morning hours and the boy struggles to wrap his head around the entirety of the situation.

“Hello?” He asks, still half asleep and very much confused.

“Okay so look, I need to leave for a couple of days for some stupid family matter, I don’t know, something about my second cousin wanting to marry my twice removed aunt and I’m just- Please take care of Hershey for me? Feed him twice a day with the instructions on the packaging okay? And talk to him because he tends to get lonely during the day. Thank you Hyunjoon, love you, bye, I’ll be back on Wednesday!!”

The bowl, now shoved in his hands and you dashing away only confusing the boy even more but without much further thought, he closed the door, placing the bowl and packet on the coffee table before he dragged himself back to his bed.

It was when he pulled the covers higher and sighed that’s things actually made sense.

“I’m supposed to talk to the fish?” He grumbled but turned over onto his side and shook his head. “She’s completely lost it.”

But even with sleep still playing with his eyes, Hyunjoon can’t fight a smile thinking back onto your anxious expression, he could see you vibrating as you stood dead still, your body telling you to move. You were always completely adorable, every quirk, every expression and every word made the boy more and more yours than anything else but only one part lacked in the entire equation, you weren’t exactly his.

Deciding that he wouldn’t be able to get any sleep further, the boy once again dragged himself out of bed, sitting up and running his hand through his hair and pushing it away from his face.

You had gotten Hershey at a fair the two of you had attended in autumn, a seasonal occasion in your town and a custom between the two of you. Hyunjoon could recall you cooing at the row of fish and then clinging to his arm with an over exaggerated pout on your lips, pointing to the third bowl from the left, “I want it.”

The boy looked down at you with a raised eyebrow, “So get it?”

Your shoulders sagged and you dropped your head against his shoulder, “But I’m broke, I spent all my money on that damning claw machine.”

“You lack control and this is the consequence.”

But it didn’t take very long for the boy to give in, purchasing the fish which you named Caramel and not even a fifteen minute walk from the stall did you drop the bowl, a loud cry leaving you as your newly named pet flopped on the floor, you crying as you tried to think of a way to save the poor thing. It took a whole bit to calm you down and after sitting you near the coffee stand, Hyunjoon returned to the fish stall, buying you yet another one, but being sure to carry it home for you.

“I guess it’s you and me now, Hershey. Your mom tells me you get lonely and honestly, I think that’s very selfish of you considering how much attention she actually gives you.” Hyunjoon mumbles as he reads the label on the food container before dropping a few flakes into the water before going to the kitchen for his own breakfast.

The day itself goes pretty well with Hyunjoon dropping comments every now and then when he passes the bowl, drumming his fingers on the glass. It’s nearing sunset that he sits back down in the living room, eyes watching the show on his screen but also constantly catching the bright scales of the little fish,

“I guess I picked pretty well considering how cute you are. No wonder she’s so obsessed with you.”

Hershey barely pays attention to him, swimming in circles and dipping a bit lower every so often. Hyunjoon chuckles and draws the bowl closer to him, leaning down on his legs to observe the fish, “Maybe you can give me some advice on how to finally tell your rather dense mother that I’m way too much in love with her.

“Because whenever I think that I’ve been obvious enough, she never ceases to amaze me with her obliviousness.”

The boy taps against the bowl, eyes drifting to the carpet, “You see, we’ve been friends for so long that I’ve grown so used to her presence but now, now I’m craving it even more. I guess it’s right to think that you only get greedy when you get comfortable.

“Your mother, she’s unbelievably annoying. She can’t sit still for too long and she runs her mouth all too often, but her heart is crazily big and I think that’s the reason why she’s such a crybaby.”

It’s in the lost thoughts of you that Hyunjoon loses focus on his actions, his tapping having pushed the bowl to the edge of the table and it doesn’t take very long for it crash in broken pieces and water soaking into his carpet and a poor little Hershey struggling for life.

“No! No no no, not this, not again! What do I do, oh God please no!” In a clear panic, the boy scoops up the fish, running to the sink in his kitchen.

He struggles, trying to balance the fish and opening the tap all at once but it’s because of the struggle and panic that he fails to do so and Hershey finally stops all movement in his hand. Hyunjoon drops his head, utterly devastated and riddled with guilt as everything comes crashing in. “I can’t believe I killed him.”

Unsure of what to do, Hyunjoon flushes the fish down the toilet, muttering a very soft and broken goodbye before he cleans up the broken glass and tries to soak up most of the water, picking up the pebbles.

It’s because of guilt and worry, that he pulls up his phone to dial Eric’s number.

“Okay listen I might have done something and now I feel really bad and I just need to know, how do I tell someone that I like them but also that I killed their goldfish?”

“You killed Hershey??”

The boy’s eyes fell closed, “Eric please, I need comfort and advice right now.”

His friend sighs with a few muttered words before he finally speaks up, “I guess it would be best to tell her about the goldfish as soon as possible but I’d personally not date the murderer of my child, you know?”

Shaking his head in frustration, Hyunjoon falls down on the couch, clutching his hair, “I’m screwed.”

And for the duration of your time away, the boy only grows more and more anxious, continuously trying to think of ways to break the news to you. He knows that there was no way to confess to you when he had brutally killed your beloved pet.

So when you do knock on his door again, the boy is shaking and utterly afraid, opening for you timidly and remaining silent as you babbled on about your family and how they scared you more and more each day, “But anyways, where’s my baby?”

And it’s then that you notice that his eyes never meet yours and the way his hands keep running the length of his thighs. You’re confused and even more concerned because Hyunjoon only gets this way when he’s shy or completely rattled by something, so you approach cautiously. “You okay, Hyunjoon?” You sit down and pull him down with you and finally his eyes meet yours and your concern only worsens.

“I have to tell you something and I want you to know that I will forever feel guilty about it.

“I-I by accidentally killed Hershey.”

You say nothing, eyes as blank as your expression and your best friend begins to panic even more, hands grabbing onto yours as his eyes try their very best to appeal to you.

“I swear I didn’t mean to, it was an honest accident and I really wish it didn’t happen and I’d do anything to take it back because I know how much you loved him and I’m-I’m really really sorry.”

The boy sees your lip tremble and pulls you in for a hug, allowing you to cry and lay a few weak hits to his shoulder but even then you crawl even more into his warmth.

“I’m so sorry.”

“He didn’t even get to live that long.”

“It was a mistake and I feel really guilty.”

“I’ll never get to buy him that cute tank at the pet store and find him a mate.”

“I should’ve paid attention.”

“He would’ve really like the castle in that tank.”

“I’m in love with you.”

Your sniffles come to an abrupt halt as you pull away from his hold as you look at him with confused red eyes, lips trembling. “What?”

“I said I’m in love with you.” He’s more confident this time, even when the situation is completely not right for his brave behavior.

It takes you a while and when it finally clicks, you’re throwing hits at his chest, fighting him and your overwhelmed emotions all at once.

“How can you confess to me when you’ve just killed my fish!!!”

You’re so unbelievably angry and tired and sad but even then, you feel your heart swell and your cheeks flare because even though the boy really could not have chosen a worse time to tell you, you still feel the overwhelming joy.

So after a couple punches and grumbled complaints and whines, you crawl back into his hold, wrapping your arms around his waist, “I think there must be something seriously wrong with me for wanting to date you after what you’ve done.”

“I’ll get you a new pet.”

“You can’t just replace love like that!”

“It worked with Caramel.”

“One more word from you and I’ll dump you before you’ve even asked me out.”

#prompt list #requested #thank you bby!! #hwall #heo hyunjoon #the boyz scenarios

[builder051]

Mike & Co story arc: part 1

This is going to be a 5-parter?  Maybe?  Something like that.  Nowhere near as long as Hildur and Pierce’s storyline, but still decently extended.  The episodes will move among different characters’ POV, and Mike, Jason, Colby, Ash, and Hannah will all be included.  There will be a little bit of illness/emeto, but it’s going to be mainly plot.

WARNING FOR EATING DISORDER CONTENT.  It kind of features in this part, but it’s going to be vague and kind of glossed over throughout because it’s not the main focus of this arc, but it’s definitely a thing that affects all of these charas, whether directly or indirectly.

Also, a warning for an obscene amount of cursing.  This girl is by far my most foul-mouthed character.

_____

Everything’s fine.  Everything is completely and totally fine.  Her grades are good.  She’s not being forced to go home for spring break.  There’s plenty of new stuff to watch on Netflix.  So why Mike goes into the 7-11 and buys out a display of Hostess Cupcakes is beyond her.  Nothing’s weighing on her mind.  She hasn’t been in a fight.  The urge just hits like a ton of bricks and she’s suddenly powerless.

She hasn’t done this in months, and maybe that’s why she’s so out of practice in saying no to herself.  Mike holds the plastic shopping bag in the crook of her elbow and swallows the first cupcake in two bites.  She reaches in for another, and self-hatred flares up in her ribcage.  That feeling’s more familiar.

Mike finishes the sweets by the time she finishes the walk to the campus.  She crumples the shopping bag and lobs it into the trash outside the humanities building, then shoves inside.  It’s after five on a Friday, so the hallways are deserted.  That’s a good thing.

Mike pauses to take a long drink from the water fountain, then ducks into the bathroom to get down to business.  She feels weird and shaky and a little guilty to be doing this again after being clean for so long.  But post-purge guilt still beats holding onto the calories.

It’s like riding a bike; the technique comes back quickly, and Mike’s at the sink washing up within minutes.  Her eyes are read and teary, and they’ll probably stay that way for half an hour or so.  At least she’s on a college campus, so she can blame smoking pot.

She dries her hands with a paper towel, then uses it to wipe her mouth.  Now that the deed’s done, she’s exhausted.  The tremor she felt earlier has crept permanently into arms and legs, and she knows it won’t go away until she falls asleep or eats something for real.  And that’s definitely not going to happen any time soon.

Mike wants to go home.  There’s no reason to loiter around campus anymore; her classes are all done for break.  She can practically hear her bed calling from across town.  Some music, some TV.  Maybe a little ibuprofen/Unisom cocktail.  That sounds nice.

But Jason and Colby are probably home.  They are more often than not, and it’s way too early for them to have retired to the bedroom.  They’re probably sitting at the kitchen table right now, wondering where the fuck she is, because that’s all they seem to do.  If she wants them to stay out of her business, she can’t go home yet.

Mike considers sending out an exploratory text message, a simple hey what are you doing?  But if anything’s going to get her caught, it’s that.  She never initiates contact.

Mike shoves her phone deep into her pocket and starts a circuit around the campus.  If she goes out behind the Humanities building and walks the paved loop around most of the main thoroughfare, she’ll kill an hour and another couple hundred calories.  Mike wraps her arms around her midsection and slaps her feet hard against the sidewalk.

She wishes she could refocus, just snap her fingers and immediately place some other fixation in her brain, at least temporarily.  Bile and chocolate still coat her back teeth, and Mike isn’t sure if she’s disgusted or thrilled.  She wishes she had a cigarette.  But it’s cold and windy out, and it probably wouldn’t stay lit anyway.  Just like she can’t stay normal.  

“Why’d you do that?” Mike spits under her breath.  “Why’d you fucking do that?”

She can’t come up with a good answer.  She just felt like it.  She gave in.  She fucked up.

If she was talking to Colby, he’d say it was ok.  It’s ok to fuck up and have a setback.  She can just try to do better tomorrow.

Mike guesses she can.  But it doesn’t make her any less stupid today.

Jason would tell it like it is.  He’d give Mike a good disappointed head-shake and tell her to go fuck herself.  Or just eat food like a normal person and not throw it back up.

Then she’d ask him how he knew what normal people did.  The possibility of an argument would be too good to resist.

“You don’t know what normal people do either,” Mike huffs to herself.  “Not everybody thrives on conflict like you, bitch.”

She would’ve clocked herself in the face with that comment if the choice had been anywhere near logical.  The desire to hit something is rising fast.  There’s a dilapidated storage shed coming up a few feet off the path, and Mike steps onto the soggy grass and slams her fist into the dented door.  It produces a hollow sound, and the whole shack seems to shudder even though the punch is weak.

Something perks up in Mike’s brain as adrenaline starts to flow, and she hits the door again.  She assumes a sloppy boxing stance and jabs right and left and right again.  Her knuckles start to hurt, and somehow that makes her laugh.  She switches to battering the door with the heel of her hand.  It creaks as if it’s going to give way under Mike’s meager strength, and in her mind, it’s fucking hilarious.

If she manages to break down the door, is there going to be some kind of junker lawn mower inside?  Mike’s suddenly keen to find out.  The pseudo-boxing match is making her tired, so she readjusts and rams the door with her shoulder.  Pain lances down her arm and across her back.  She’s too bony to throw her weight around without hurting herself.  But it doesn’t keep her from trying again.

Mike backs up a foot or so and throws her hip and elbow into the shed.  She feels something give way, and she knows she’ll only need to smack the thing another couple more times to force the door open.  She takes a second to catch her breath and swallow bitter saliva before she puts her back into it again.

“Hey!  What are you doing?  That’s university property!”

Mike looks over her shoulder to see two campus police officers hurrying toward her.  “Fuck,” she mumbles.  She should run for it.  But she’s so close to forcing the shed open.  She doesn’t want to stop.  She can’t stop.

Mike butts the side of her body into the door one more time, and the latch breaks off the door with a crunch.  She falls sideways as the door swings open under her, but before she hits the ground, one of the officers has his hand wrapped around her arm.  “What do you think you’re doing?” he barks.

She got the door open, but it’s not like it proved anything.  Now she’s stuck here with two cops, and she might have been committing a crime.  She has a feeling explaining the truth is going to get her nowhere.  I had to do something to distract myself from the fact that I’d just broken a 4-month clean streak from my eating disorder probably isn’t going to hold water with the police.  Like she’d willingly speak those words anyway.

So she does the next worst thing she can think of.  Mike draws her free arm back and aims a punch at the officer’s jaw.

“Whoa, calm down,” the other cop says, moving his hands in a shushing motion.  “We just want to talk to you.”

“Well, I don’t want to talk to you,” Mike grunts.  She manages to get her feet under her.  The officer holding her arm doesn’t have much on her in height, but he’s heavy.  His belt and tucked-in shirt hold a substantial beer gut.  She bets he hits the Hostess cupcakes pretty hard too.  Mike can barely look at him without being disgusted.  She gathers her remaining strength and socks him in the stomach.

“Ma’am, I need you to put both hands up.”  The fat officer tries to manhandle her around to face the shed’s outer wall.

“Let me go,” Mike grunts.  “Don’t touch me.”  She continues to struggle.

“We just wanted to have a chat,” the other cop says, reaching for Mike’s flailing hand.  He has red hair like Ash, and the thought of her old friend makes her want to knock him to the ground.  She doesn’t have a reason to hate this officer.  She doesn’t have a reason to hate Ash, either.  But the violent feelings don’t stop coming.

“Don’t fucking touch me.”  Mike thrashes her body, and the fat cop’s arm comes around her waist.  He isn’t holding her tightly, but panic strobes in her brain, and she feels sick.  She wants to run.

“You want to get booked for resisting arrest?” The red-headed officer asks.

“I don’t want anything to do with anything,” Mike spits.  Her head is growing foggy.  The peeling paint on the outside of the shed blurs before her eyes.  One ear is about ten times heavier than the other, and she tilts badly to one side.

“Stand up straight.  Put your hands behind your head,” The fat cop says.  “This is the last time I’m gonna ask.”

Mike might’ve complied.  Or maybe she wouldn’t’ve.  She doesn’t get the chance to decide, though, because vertigo suddenly takes precedence, and she doubles over to retch against the wall.

“Hey, alright.”  The fat cop lets go of Mike’s stomach and grips her by the back of her shirt instead.  “This for real or are you just playing?”

Mike gags and manages to choke, “I’m fine.  Leave me alone.”  She takes one stumbling step away from the officers and almost falls.  She claws at the side of the shed to hold herself upright.

“Let’s go somewhere we can talk.  You can sit down, cool off a little,” the red-head offers.  He puts his hand on Mike’s shoulder in a way that’s half-comforting and half-threatening.  She jerks away and covers her mouth with her hand.  She throws up anyway, and it’s mostly chocolate mixed with some snot and bile.

“Fuck.”  She thought she’d gotten it all back up.

“Ma’am?”

“Shut the fuck up.  I’m not going with you!”  The force of shouting makes Mike lightheaded, and she stumbles again.

“Are you going to faint?”  The cops look at each other.

“Just leave me alone,” Mike mumbles.  The words are getting harder to form.  Her vision swirls, and it only makes the dizziness worse.

“We’re gonna get you some medical attention, ok?”  The fat cop puts his arm around her waist while the other one talks into a walkie-talkie.  Mike catches the wordambulance.

“Don’t take me…” she chokes out.  They can’t take her to the hospital.  They can’t.  She won’t stand for it.  She’ll run away.  She’ll let Jason drive her home.  “Call my brother.”

“We’ll call him when we get to the ER,” the red-headed officer reassures.  “They’ll help you out with whatever’s going on or whatever you took.  Then we’ll get in touch with your family…”

Mike wants to burst out laughing again.  They think she’s high.  She wishes she was high.  But she’s already out of her mind and her eyes are red, so there’s probably little difference.

“Fuck you.  I’m alright.”  Mike makes one more effort to get away.  She’ll escape the fat cop’s partial embrace and run.

But she can’t even get on her feet.  Mike lists sideways and everything goes dark.

#oc fic #mike & co #mike deangeles #sickfic #emeto #emetophilia #eating disoder tw #ed tw

[malmuses]

Without A Trace - Chapter 5

Authors Note:

Second post of the night - more coming!

Thank you so much for the comments and notes and messages, guys. You’re pretty awesome!

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4

Without A Trace - Chapter 5

Dean sat back on the motel bed, the pillows haphazardly squashed behind him, looking down at the photo in his hand. Sam looked to be about nineteen, he guessed. Definitely a picture taken at Stanford. His younger brother, shorter haired and hopeful faced, had a red solo cup in hand. He was stood with his arm around a petite blonde woman with bouncy curls, busty and grinning up at Sam in obvious attraction.  

He had grabbed the frame down from the mantle while Cas removed their fingerprints and put in an untraceable call to the local police about the old woman. The hunter sat the simply framed photograph on the nightstand, brow furrowed. I really thought he’d be in that house. Dean exhaled slowly, rubbing a hand across his face. He felt close to tears of worry and frustration. What have you got yourself into, Sammy? He found himself thinking. I don’t even know where to begin with this.

The door clicked as Castiel stepped into the motel room, his tan trench coat swooping dramatically around him as he shut the storm outside. He carried a brown paper bag in the crook of his arm, a white plastic bag dangling from the same hand.

“Cas…. where you been? I thought you went to pay the room rental for another night.” Dean quickly passed his hand over his face again, trying to brush away his melancholy expression before the angel could see.

“I stopped by the diner to get you some food,” the seraphim offered as he brought the bags over to Dean’s bed. “Our waitress from this morning was there… I said you were waiting for me in our motel room and I wanted to get back to you as soon as possible, so she rushed an order. She was very nice about it.”

Dean coughed abruptly, quickly tamping down a hysterical laugh before he could confuse Cas any further.

“That’s great, buddy. What’d you get?”

Passing the bags over to Dean, Cas began removing his boots and coat. He was soaked from head to toe. He took the wet items to the small bathroom, leaving them to drip next to Dean’s jacket.  When he returned, he noticed Dean searching eagerly through the bags and allowed himself a small, self-satisfied smile.

“Dude, there’s like four kinds of pie in here!” Dean exclaimed, placing the plastic dessert containers onto the bedspread in front of him almost reverentially.  

“They have a buy-one-get-one special on pies after seven o’clock on tuesdays and thursdays,” Cas responded, gesturing to the other bag. “There’s other stuff too.”  

The flyer he was staring at during breakfast, Dean suddenly clocked. He felt a rush of fondness for his friend, smiling as he pulled up his knees to sit Indian style on the bed and gestured for Cas to join him.

He’s really trying to cheer me up. Another thought quickly followed, and Dean looked up to the angel’s face as he settled onto the bed. He’s worried about me.

“This is awesome Cas, really. Thank you.” Dean delved into the other bag, pulling out a fifth of whiskey and a larger polystyrene box of hot food. Flicking it open, two steaming cheeseburgers and a bed of fries awaited him.  

“It’s just dinner Dean.” Cas observed calmly, pushing up his shirt sleeves to his elbows as he somewhat awkwardly mimicked the hunters position, sitting cross-legged on the end of the bed, facing each other with the food and whiskey bottle balanced between them.

“No.” Dean shook his head, popping a couple of fries into his mouth and speaking around them. “You keep looking out for me. Filling the silence. Being a friend. I know you’re trying to step up because Sam is gone and you’re worried about me.”

Cas fiddled with the cap of the whiskey bottle, cracking it open. “I am,” he admitted. “I’m just trying to keep your spirits up so you worry less. But….honestly Dean, I’m also selfish enough that I enjoy your company more when Sam isn’t around. I’m probably more relaxed just with you.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Come again?”

“When Sam is here… you and he have so much history that I just don’t know. Jokes I don’t understand. You have each other.” The angel shrugs, pausing to take a deep long swig of whiskey before passing the bottle over to Dean with a smile. “I love you both but it’s just a little less overwhelming when there’s one Winchester at a time.”

Chasing a bite of cheeseburger with a glug of alcohol, Dean smiled oddly, one half of his mouth quirking up. It looked a little sad, but neither of them mentioned it.  

They sat companionably, flicking on the TV to babble in the background. A documentary about some Peruvian ruins came up as they channel surfed and Dean realized with a pang that if Sam were here, he’d have been forced to watch it. He looked over at the nightstand where the strange picture of Sammy and the unknown girl sat.

I’m gonna do everything I can to find you, Sam. He promised himself firmly. Moving his eyes back over to the angel on the end of the bed, he added mentally, And I’m not going to fall apart. I’m gonna keep it together, with Cas’s help.

“Hey Cas, catch.” Suddenly, from Dean’s reclined position a fry came curving through the air and hit Cas firmly on the cheek.

The angel looked utterly baffled. “Dean?”

“You’re supposed to catch,” The hunter cackled, before tossing another fry with a grin.

“Dean!” The second fry smacked Cas in the forehead.

Laughing openly now, Dean threw the angel a bone. “With your mouth, Cas. Like this…”  

Dean held out the container with the remaining fries, indicating for Cas to throw one at him. With a look of confusion, Cas selected a large specimen with care and chucked it towards Dean’s face.  Tilting his head to the side, Dean almost had it - it bounced off the corner of his mouth. 

“Close.” Dean grinned before selecting his next projectile.

As the morsel arched through the air, Cas eyed it calmly; tilting his head precisely at the very last moment, the fry landed directly on his tongue. He swallowed it, grimacing at the taste before a tiny smile played at the corner of his mouth. “Satisfactory?”

“Woah, Cas. Those angel senses… that was great.” Dean replied, awe openly in his voice. “How about….”

Dean picked up two more fries, throwing them in quick succession, clapping as they disappeared easily down the angel’s throat.  

They moved onto trick shots then, laughing and hogging the whiskey bottle between throws.

******

It was very late, Dean guessed, when he woke up; stiff necked and still slumped against the wall behind the bed rather than laying down.  

The room was almost completely black save a slither of moonlight through the ill-fitting drapes. He looked over and saw Cas sat in the chair beside the bed. His eyes were closed and he was perfectly still, his white dress shirt making him stand out slightly against the dark walls in the motel room. Does he really just sit there all night? Dean wondered, resting his gaze on the angel’s serene face.  

A feeling of guilt prickled at Dean’s chest. I’m a selfish person, sometimes, his mind supplied. I don’t ask enough about what he does. What he thinks, what he wants. He was right. Sam and I are always wrapped up in ourselves and our jobs.

Cas’s eyes opened smoothly; although resting, the angel didn’t sleep. He looked at Dean, shuffling down to a more comfortable position on the bed, looking back at him in the dark.

“Cas?” Dean had turned to look at the ceiling, but his voice carried softly over to the angel, thick with sleep.

“Yes, Dean?”

“I never mean to…. leave you out. When Sam’s here.” Dean’s low voice didn’t raise louder; more whispers in the dark than a conversation for daylight.

“I know,” Cas responded plainly, lacing his fingers in his lap.

“Are you lonely, Cas?” Deans face turned to the angel then, and even in the shadows Cas could feel his piercing green gaze.

“Yes,” Cas answered simply. Dean could sense his dismissive shrug more than see it. “I believe that’s what the feeling is called. Humans seek out closeness or friendly proximity with others to ward it away… I can’t really do that. Even with my grace restored, I….” a somber and sad note tinges his words. “I’m definitely more human than I used to be.”

Dean didn’t say anything, but he felt a touch of shame joining his guilt. He needs people close to him. I was here all this time… but I was never really there.

Wordlessly, Dean shuffled to the far side of the bed, leaving the other half free. He patted the mattress.

When Cas didn’t move, Dean sighed. Non-verbal cues. Still working on those, angel.

“Come sit on the bed Cas. You don’t have to watch me from a chair while I sleep, I’m not a museum exhibit. We’re friends, you can be closer than that.” You aren’t alone, Dean added mentally as the angel slid over, crossing his legs up on the mattress and leaning back against the wall.

Minutes tick on comfortably and Dean pulls the blanket over his shoulders, feeling himself doze back towards the edge of sleep.  

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas’s whisper was almost imperceptible, but Dean fell into slumber with a smile on his lips as the angel rested a tentative hand on his head, idly stroking at his sandy hair as he drifted off.  

******

Dean woke slowly, engaging with the thoughts drifting through his sleep-hazed mind for a moment with his eyes closed, keeping out the day.

Oof. A little heavy on the whiskey … I need to remember to drink water before I sleep in my old age, he thought wryly. Nuzzling into his pillow slightly, he raised one arm in a stretch. Time to get back on the Sammy hunt. Hit up the neighbors, town records, anyone who might know more about the people in that house.  

He was raising a hand to his face to rub the sleep from his eyes when his pillow moved.  

Green eyes flying open, he realized that during the night he had curled, worked his way across the bed and that his pillow was actually Castiel’s thigh. 

The angel sat with his legs out in front of him, watching something idly on the motel’s tiny TV with the volume off. One of his hands rested on Dean’s side as the hunter lay, pretty much with his head in the angel’s lap.  

He jerked up suddenly, a little embarrassed, earning him a surprised and confused look from the angel.  

“Morning, Dean. How did you-”  Cas was cut off suddenly, lurching forward to steady the nightstand, which Dean had knocked when he flew up off Cas’s lap.

Too late for even Cas to stop it, the framed picture of young Sam and the mystery girl tipped forward onto the motel floor.

“Oops.” Dean muttered, reaching for the simple wooden frame. The glass had cracked across the front, distorting his little brother’s face. As Cas stood from the bed and stretched his body out on the way to turn off the TV, Dean opened the frame and slipped the picture out.

Throwing the broken frame into the trash, he moved to lay the photo down on the bed while they got ready, when he noticed there was something on the back of it.  

“Hey Cas…” Dean turned to the angel. “Look at this!”

The angel took the photograph, turning it to see the scribbles on the back.

“Faith and Winchester, Kappa Sigma party May ‘03 .” Cas read slowly, before handing it back. “So mystery girl has a name.”

Dean frowned, thoughtfully. “Sam would have been twenty…. I guess this was just before he met Jess,” he mused. “So why was the hex-bagged grandma keeping a photo of her grand daughter and some random guy, or ex or hookup or whatever, in her spare room?”

Cas shruggled, spreading his hands. “I have no idea, Dean. Maybe we should start with the neighbors?”

“Yeah,” Dean nodded. “Lets grab some coffee and get going.”

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4

#destiel #supernatural #spn #fanfic #fanfiction #dean winchester #castiel #dean #without a trace

[rainsonata]

Stationary

Fandom/Shipping: Elsword; MMLP Rating: K+ Word Count: 1,686

Summary: Lunatic Psyker has to coax Mastermind out of his room to make the opportunity to give him a gift.  Writing request for @nagiiisasan.

If someone was to catch Psyker impatiently tapping his foot standing in the hallway of the house he shared with his counterparts, he would have told them that it was none of their damn business.  Really, it wasn’t.

In his hand was a paper bag, the kind used for packing lunch.  He didn’t want Mastermind to see the transparent plastic bag he purchased with it from one of the small shops downtown.  That would have given away the surprise too quickly!  There wasn’t much of it inside, so it was lightweight when he held it up to eye level.  He made sure to throw in tissue paper to further obscure the content inside.  

Leaning his head against the door to Mastermind’s lab, Psyker would hear the quiet sound of classical music playing in the background.  The scientist probably wouldn’t notice if he was to barge into his room since he wasn’t complaining about him pacing back and forth in the hallway for the past few minutes or so.  Only the sound of quiet typing on the keyboard indicated that Mastermind was still awake and not passed out at his desk.  

“Add?” Psyker knocked the door with the back of his knuckles.  He checked his dynamo for the time to see that it was getting late.  Could Mastermind hear him?  Well, that was also why he was here.  The brawler bared his fist on the door louder this time and shouted, “Hey, dinner’s ready.  If you don’t come out, I’m going to eat all your chocolate.”

The chair squeaked from the other side with a long-haired man slamming the door open with a scowling expression.    

“Touch my chocolate and I’ll set Apocalypse on your room.”  

“You’re awake!” Psyker laughed at the threat and bared his canines, “Disproportionate retribution, much?”

Mastermind dragged his hands across his face and groaned, shaking his head at Psyker’s laughter.  He peered between his hands and ran his hand through the end of his ponytail with a yawn.  Seeing the paper bag in Psyker’s hands, his eyes narrowed.    

“Is that my chocolate?” Mastermind asked – more like demanded to know.

“That was just a way to make you leave your damn room,” Psyker rolled his eyes.  “Come on, no one locks up their snacks more than you do.”

“You always find a way to break into them anyway.”

“That was once.”

Of all things, Mastermind was most concerned about chocolate?  How petty. He had no doubts Mastermind would go to extensive lengths to protect his chocolate, but that didn’t stop him from laughing again until he saw felt the presence of something coming up to mewl from behind him.  The sound that came out of the brawler’s mouth was a high pitch squeak, which sent Mastermind cackling at the knee jerk reaction.    

Psyker turned to see Apocalypse meow again, nudging its head against his shoulder for attention.  A smile formed across his features and scratched behind the cat cube’s ears, pulling away when it vibrated with a soft purr.  Mastermind could threaten sending his pet all he wanted, but he had the perfect counter to that.  Apocalypse went to him for toys and scratches behind the ears.

“It’ll be hard to nuke my room if you forgot to recharge it,” Psyker said with a smirk when he noticed that the light from the cat cube was dimmer than usual.

“Apocalypse isn’t the only thing I can use to ‘nuke’ your room as you say it,” Mastermind sneered, but there was guilt in his eyes when he glanced at the cat cube, who chirped in happiness at the sound of his voice.

“So what’s in the bag?” Mastermind asked when Psyker was still staring at Apocalypse, “I heard you cackling like a madman.”

Oh, right.  He held up the paper bag and handed it to the scientist with a grin, “You always complained about running out of supplies.  You’re welcome.”

Psyker thought he heard the Mastermind murmur something about being obnoxious.  He couldn’t help but snort when his counterpart looked at him with suspicion.  He wished the other would open the package already so he could see the reaction.

Mastermind blinked when he saw the layers of tissue paper inside the bag, his face was conflicted between surprise and annoyance for the effort placed into hiding the contents.  He took out the tissue paper with care, as if afraid to crumble it and tossed it on his desk on top of his keyboard. His eyes flurried in confusion when Mastermind reached into the bottom of the bag to pull out a transparent plastic case with white polka dots.  Inside the case were several different colored pens and pencils with flowers stenciled across and –

“Why cats?” Mastermind inspected a pen in his hand to see a cat sitting on the cap with a peaceful expression carved into its round face.

The rest of the stationary were similar with each cat painted with an assorted color scheme and different facial expressions, all of them happy and content.  Balancing one pen with one hand, he lifted it to eye level and stared at the white cat curled up on the tip.  Psyker almost jumped when Mastermind pressed on the cat clicker to test the pen.  Apocalypse beamed when Mastermind used its head as a table to write a few words on a notepad to test out the ink.    

“Hm?” Expecting Mastermind to throw it back to his face and reject it, Psyker leaned over when he didn’t get an immediate response from the scientist with a sly grin, “I think it suits you.”

“Cute,” Mastermind twirled the pen in his hand with a twinkle in his eyes.  “Didn’t know you were into this kind of stuff.”

Wait, what?  Psyker shook his head at the accusation with panic in his eyes. No, not like that!  His cheeks heated up as his bit the corner of his lips and glared at Mastermind, fighting a failing battle when he felt the blood travel up his face.  He could have sworn that bastard was smirking at him as he struggled to find something clever to say back.      

Some nerve this guy has, Psyker huffed when he caught Mastermind gazing at the cat clicker with a fond look.  Not even a thank you from him?  Well, okay, it was a joke gift, really!  He wanted to see the other throw a hissy fit and get annoyed over him buying something strange.  Instead, the scientist pressed a finger on his lips, lips curled up with his eyes looking at Psyker’s with amusement.  What was the other thinking?    

“It’s for you, not me.” Psyker said, but his words sounded hollow with his face turning red.    

“Spending money for me?” Mastermind teased, “I didn’t think you were listening to me back then.  How nice of you.”

“Are you keeping them or not?” He snatched the pen away from Mastermind to get the other’s attention, “because if not, I can take it back.”

“Oh no, I’m keeping them.” Mastermind scoffed and took the pen back, pointing the cat to Psyker’s chest, “I’m not rejecting something that’s free.”

“You’re such a brat…” Psyker twitched.  Did he really have to word it like that?  “It’s called a gift, asshole.”

“And I’ll be sure to think of you every time I use it,” the scientist chuckled

How could he be ungrateful one minute and then say weird stuff with a smile the next?  Psyker sighed at the sudden change in tone and wondered how Mastermind always managed to tease him like that.  He checked the other’s face for a hint, but all he received was a toothy grin.  Yeah, this guy was definitely fucking around with him.  Ass.    

“Don’t forget to charge your stupid cube,” Psyker scowled when he noticed Apocalypse turning dull again.

“Don’t be like that.”  Mastermind bit his lip and frowned, worried?  He led the cat cube over to the charging station connected to his desk before letting it go into sleep mode for a full recharge.  Pulling his side bangs back, Mastermind placed the pen behind his ear, the cat sticking out making him look ridiculous, or at least Psyker thought it looked absurd.  The scientist pulled Psyker in close enough that it made him nervous when he looked at the brawler.  Huh?

Slender arms wrapped around his waist, closing the space between them as Mastermind slowly moved his hands and pressed them on his cheeks to feel the warmth.  Psyker’s breath grew short when he caught himself staring back into the other’s eyes, bright magenta with white outlines around his pupils.  Mastermind brought his face in close with a quiet sigh, as if he was struggling as Psyker was in holding steady breathes.    

“You’re gonna drop it,” Psyker eyed the pen sitting behind Mastermind’s ear.

“Just for a few seconds,” Mastermind laughed quietly, placing his head on his shoulder.  “Can’t take a gift without a thank you, right?”  He moved his fingers across Psyker’s chest and leaned over to press his lips against the other’s cheek.    

“Dinner,” was Psyker’s intelligent response when the scientist pulled away.  “It’s getting cold.”  He turned his face away, but he couldn’t stop himself from looking back to see Mastermind smiling.  Shit, he was turning red again.  Psyker was almost disappointed when Mastermind pulled away and closed his eyes.

“Give me a minute to wrap up something,” Mastermind said, but his face was as pink as Psyker’s.

“Sure, sure.” Psyker scratched the back of his head with averted eyes.

When he went back to the kitchen to check on their food, it was cold.  He sighed at the inconvenience, but sat on a stool while reheating their meal.  Perhaps it was his imagination, but the rare smile Mastermind gave to him when they ate together made him lightheaded, but it was so brief, he could have been wrong.  His heart fluttered in what he thought was pride, maybe even happiness when he caught the scientist putting a sticky note on the fridge with the cat pen in hand.  At least his gift was getting put to good use.  

#elsword #eltag #add (elsword) #mmlp #lunatic psyker #mastermind #elsword fanfiction #my writing #yay my writing muse is still alive! #I love writing those two their dialogue always makes me happy #mywriting #Addcest

[foodfeelingsfreedom]

Eating Disorders Are; Recovery Is

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week is February 26th-March 4th. I’ve spent a lot of time in the past highlighting my experience and talking about recovery. However, my experience is only one of millions. In the United States, over 20 million women and 10 million men struggle with an eating disorder at some point in their life such as Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder, and Unspecified Eating Disorder. Eating disorders affect different types of people with various health concerns, weights, ages, gender identities, and races. There is no cookie cutter definition of what an eating disorder looks like, and it is certainly not limited to just those who are dangerously underweight. In fact, the majority of individuals who struggle with an eating disorder are of average weight. To bring awareness to how others experienced eating disorders and recovery, I asked people in my social sphere what eating disorders and what recovery looks like to them. Here are their stories. (Trigger Warning)

Eating disorders are:

Crying hysterically in a fitting room at a clothing store because you hate the way your body looks in everything. 

Waking up before your family to pour a splash of milk and piece of cereal in a bowl to make it seem like you've eaten. 

Throwing up into plastic bags in your dorm room so one will hear in the public bathroom. 

Buying and eating an entire cake and hiding the wrapping so no one would know. 

Missing your great-aunts funeral because you had eaten the night before and are convinced it's made you gain weight, and you don't want to be seen by anyone

Not being able to find clothes that fit properly because you're 18 years old, 5'5" and [weight].

Thinking that for once you have control over something in life only to realize you never had control over that either and hating yourself even more.

Failing a class because you didn't have the energy or focus to make it to class every day

An eating disorder is throwing away gallon bags full of vomit at 5am, and purging behind the dumpster until you get glass in your palms and blood on your lip.

Having a notebook with cut outs of all the models, BMI levels, daily calorie counting, and poems about "Ana" (anorexia) and making her your "idol".

It is eating baby food just so you don't pass out.

An attempt to control the things that were never meant to be yours to dictate in the first place.

It's almost passing out during PE.

Its learning the art of food manipulation and disposal at the dinner table so know one notices.

It's taking a bite of food in public and fake taking a glass of milk so no one can see the food you just spit out.

Getting stressed about everything in your life to the point of a panic attack, and obsessing over food to feel like some control is still in your hands'

Recovery is:

Eating an ice cream sundae which extra hot fudge and actually enjoying it, rather than stressing about the calories or how to “work it off”.

Buying a dress because I feel good in it and not trying to squeeze into a smaller size.

Not being afraid to be seen in public.

No longer crying every time a clothing item doesn't "fit me right".

Leaving the house without make-up and feeling beautiful.

Recovery is pretty lace dresses with badass stomping boots, tattoos and killer lipstick.

It’s being able to write poetry, give readings, complete grad school and inspire others.

It’s knowing you are wonderful, beautiful and always deserving of all good things. And you actually believe it.

Not linear. There will be ups and there will be downs.

Knowing what an eating disorder works and spotting warning signs that others may not pick up on to try help someone else so they don’t end up where I was.

A lifelong process that some days allows you to eat without the guilt. Is knowing your health is valuable and try changing your cognitions to accept that It's finding people that think you’re beautiful even if you don't have a thigh gap

Having a support system of people who had been through the same thing as me. 

Having a support system in general is absolutely necessary, but to find a few people who have actually been where you are and know the feeling because they felt it too makes a big difference. 

Being able to go to family dinners, going shopping with friends, having a job.

Working at a plus size store helping other women feel beautiful about their size when just a year ago I was [size] and thought I was “too fat”. 

Being grateful for my body and the amazing things it does for me day to day.

If you’re going through hell, keep going. Recovery can be a difficult process, and at times feel almost impossible. Recovery IS possible, and you can start by talking about it. Asking for help was one of the hardest things I, and many people I spoke to, have ever done. But it is also the best decision we ever made. Your story is important, it’s okay to ask for help. If you or someone you know is struggling, it’s okay to ask for help. Please visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support to find support near you. You can also text Crisis Text Line by sending “START” to 741741.

Thank you to all of the brave women and men who shared their powerful stories for this post.