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#also one about a kid escaping his alcoholic parents who ABUSED the shit out of him and his siblings
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I posted a post 2 days ago saying Simon may have had a celebrity crush on prince Wilhelm.
CW: generational trauma and abuse
I think it's an interesting topic, because parasocial relationships are, lets just say, not exactly healthy. And I love that it's a sneaky little theme in Young Royals! Because no matter what Simon dreamt, the real Wille was nothing like his fantasy, and the real Wille broke his heart thrice.
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I think Young Royals does an excellent job at revealing the harsh reality behind the gilted facades we're usually shown both on screen and on socials.
The show is taking great care in showing the viewers that the life some dream of as an escapism or actualle aspire to, perhaps thinking being rich and famous will automatically solve all their problems, is just a different shade of awful.
Both August, Felice, and Wille struggles with unhealthy expectations. Both Felice and Wille have parents whose behaviours are classified as abusive by trauma psychologists and therapists (sources: X, Y, Z) and August has an absent mother, who most likely was a victim of abuse.
And of course Sara and Simon carry their own trauma, Sara from bullying, both from their abusive, alcoholic addict dad, and Simon potentially something else revealed in season 3.
Young Royals take great pains showing us what trauma may look like. All the 5 mains are deeply traumatised in different ways, with some parallels and many differences in what their trauma informed behaviour looks like. It leads to selfish and self-destructive behaviours, some of it very hard to empathise with.
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♪ There's no heartache, I'm not loving ♪ The lyrics say it all really.
On the topic of generational trauma: Here's another parallel.
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Sara Eriksson: "The only one you're protecting is yourself."
This is another interesting example of character parallels revealing the rationalisation for selfish, abusive behaviour that is perpetuated through generational trauma among the upper class. Parents pass their own rationalisations on to their kids, who may reject them or internalise them.
Simon enforced his boundaries and Wille learnt from that, breaking the cycle of abuse. Sara also enforced her boundaries with August at the end of season 2. It remains to be seen if he learns the same lesson.
And I don't need anyone to forgive August for what he did. I hope he finally faces consequences for his behaviour so that he'll grow out of his selfishness.
The sad truth about the rampant abuse in the upper class is that people with power have the opportunity to hurt a lot of people. They're often rather paranoid and too selfish to have authentic, honest relationships with friends, family and their significant other.
Erik bougth sex from an Only Fans girl, Nils goes to Verbier to buy sex according to whatever his preferences are, Felice was practically brainwashed into being in love with prince Wilhelm, and before Sara, August treated girls like shit so that they'd do what he wanted.
Not very glamorus at all.
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briefmusicbouquet · 1 year
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brb thinking about (and lowkey sobbing over) how hawks was THE ideal candidate for the hpsc to pick up and train
like they lucked the hell out by getting the perfect combo of quirk, age, and trauma that worked out perfectly for them
like his quirk: its versatile, and with training, (training they that could provide), it would be very powerful, its fits every category they want to check off
and since he was meant to be nagant's replacement, the whole feathers sharpening to knives (which honestly i doubt he was aware of that part of his quirk at like five years old, so that aspect probably got figured out later and made him ever more perfect for their program??? i know the pres brought out the good alcohol to toast herself that night)
the whole being able to listen, perfect for spy work
but also on the daylight/well known hero aspect of it??
he's got a noticeable, flashy, brandable quirk
he can solve a lot of cases quickly and efficiently
like its not just good for hero work as a whole, but also the "additional" work they trained him into
age: the obvious benefit, hes young and impressionable
hes between five-seven, where hes had his quirk long enough to be familiar with what it could do, but its still new enough that the idea of being able to use it everyday, to be a hero, is still the ideal career, like a kid who says they're gonna be a vet because they want to hang out with cute animals all day (and they haven't realized it means seeing the animals you love in pain)
plus he hasnt had his quirk for too long, so any bad or "not efficient" habits can be broken up easier than if he'd had them for five years
hes the perfect age where his quirk is fresh and malleable and able to be molded into whatever they need but not too young where he physically cannot control it
and now (the longest part, sorry yall, a lot of this is me speculating and rambling)
the trauma
look man this guys childhood primed him to fit exactly into what the hpsc wanted, because everything he lacked from his parents the hspc could provide, and he also internalized a ton of shit that affected his perception of himself that lined up perfectly with the hero that the hpsc wanted to mold him into
cause like look
takami keigo, a little kid, completely isolated from the world, with his only social interaction between him and his parents
and his parents either a) neglect him (mom) or b) physically and verbally abuse him (dad)
his only social interactions at a pretty important period for social development and developing a sense of self tells him that he's either: not worth attention or that his existence is a burden to people around him and he's not useful enough to outweigh that burden (that last one comes more into play later)
my overall summary of five year old keigo's view of himself is along the lines of: just existing causes pain to people around me (his dad yelling about how keigo being so recognizable is why he's stuck here) and at best i can hope for no effect on others (when they ignore him)
he literally can't comprehend making the people around him happy because it's never happened before
WHICH IS WHY "the hero show" on tv APPEALS SO MUCH TO HIM beyond like being entertaining and being an escape from his life and the general costumes and action being appealing to children
because heroics is a job where at it's most ideal, positive form, revolves entirely around helping people and saving them
so heroes have a positive affect on the world and people around them, and keigo wants that, he wants to have a positive effect on the people around him
but at the same time he knows the hero show doesn't actually exist so the idea of him being able to have a positive effect on the world isn't possible either, but hey, it's nice to dream
but then endeavor is actually real
and like beyond his dad who treated him badly getting arrested, and endeavor actually existing and being there in person, omg his favorite show is real (which anyone would get excited about)
it's also proof that being a hero is real
and by extension, it's possible for keigo to become a hero
which means that it's actually possible for keigo to have a positive impact on the world and people around him
which is why finding out that heroes exist has such an impact on him
and now, going back to the whole "he's not useful enough to outweigh the burden of dealing with him" mindset
his dad, the sole provider for the family, is gone
his mom cant provide for them or even just herself
and she's relying on him, the literal five-to-seven year old to make sure they don't die
and keigo knows that his existence is already a burden on his parents, but also now that he knows a positive effect is actually possible, that also means there's like hope that if he does provide for him and his mom well enough, then he would have a positive effect on her
so he's trying his best, he's trying his bets to emulate the heroes he looks up to, but it's still not enough for her
and then the line "why do you even have those wings?"
which further emphasizes the idea that that his quirk is the only relevant part of him
because it was his quirk that made him recognizable and connected him to his father
and now he's relying on using said quirk to get enough food and supplies so he and his mom don't die
leading to the idea that his quirk is the only useful/positive thing about him, if he uses it right
and it's only with his quirk that he'll ever be able to have a positive effect on things
but still, how he is right now, even though he's trying, he's still not good with his quirk to outweigh his inherent 'badness" and have a positive effect
and then crash happens
and the hpsc notice,,,this kid
this traumatized kid that's been neglected (emotionally and physically) his whole life, who has a desire to be useful/have some sort of positive effect on the world (like his hero, endeavor), and only views his worth in the context of his quirk, with a single mother who can't provide for him or herself
keigo (and subsequently hawks being a hero later) was the hpsc president's winning lottery number
there's no reason for him or his mom to say no to the deal
the hpsc can provide everything he lacks (physically and emotionally- although i doubt any emotional stuff went beyond the minimum making sure he's a passably adjusted and socialized member of society), which then makes him financially and emotionally attached to them
AND the idea that he doesn't have worth without his quirk? its fucking perfect, as both a motivator to train his quirk, not object to tough or unethical training, the better he gets at using his quirk the more useful his is, and it's also another way that he's attached to them and less likely to ever go rogue
because he doesn't value himself, he doesn't view himself as a person with intrinsic worth because his worth is based around his quirk and it's usefulness, so when he's treated badly, he won't care because why would he care about himself beyond how this would affect his quirk and performance
and granted that approach only worked for so long with nagant, but the thing that prevents him from becoming another nagant is:
keigo's need to have a positive effect on people
and combined with his age, that thought can very easily get molded into a "for the greater good" mindset
because sure, he might have to do something unpleasant, but if he can justify it, if he knows that the end result has a net positive effect (or at least what he's been taught is a net positive effect), then why wouldn't he do the unsavory thing? why shouldn't he corrupt himself for the greater good?
it'll help, it'll save more lives, it'll have a positive effect
his morals and feelings towards his actions don't matter, because hawks on his own does not matter
what matters is the effect he has on the world around him, and how he can use himself and his quirk to get the best effect
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prem-ium · 7 months
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I've seen a lot of discussion and break downs of characters and motivations. But there are things about Top and Boston that keep jumping out at me but no one seems to be bringing up so these are my Only Friends thoughts:
Top:
From where I sit, he's giving off some serious abuse survivor vibes. When Boston talks about wanting him, Top has the clear ability to state he isn't interested. But when Boston gets physical at any point, Top freezes and lets it happen to a point where he either has to start actively participating or make a show of force to end things. And while he's a bit bigger and probably stronger than Ton, he picks the more passive option. Generally a sign that he was either abused as a child or by a partner that he was with long enough to feel like he couldn't escape (conditioned into going along with the situation to ensure his safety). So I can't help but ask.... Was the house fire another sign of his parents neglect or was it a way for a parent to try and get rid of the damaged goods in the form of a child? Let's be real, Thai dramas do not shy away from truly fucked up parental abuse. We know Top still works for his father and takes his job seriously. Given what I've seen from dramas in the past and knowing that this show is wanting to push the boundaries I would not be surprised if the father had been abusing Top and the mother set a house fire to try to end Top's life in some fucked up attempt to put an end to the abuse.
I don't think he really likes Mew as a person. I think he likes the idea of someone who doesn't prioritise a physical relationship. Someone Top could be with and hold a bit of the control. Someone who might actually see Top as a person.
Boston:
He tops everyone else, bottoms only for Top. (This is not really relevant I just felt the need to say it)
So in ep 3 we find out Boston's dad is a politician and Boston can't so much as take a photo with a lover for fear of scandal. This explains a lot about his commitment issues. He is locked in the closet by his father's aspirations. Previous partners have probably been paid off to leave. If your first love hit the road for a cheque, you'd give up on love pretty quickly too. So again, I feel like it's a parental cause.
His obsession with Top may be a parent approval situation. It looks like Top and Boston's families are both rich and powerful and probably running in the same circles. Boston brings Top in from outside the uni. They very likely grew up as family friends. (That photo booth from the flash back is in Top's hotel) Top seems like a very obedient son and Boston has probably been given the "why can't you be more like him" speech at some point. Boston has a clear list of reasons why Top is "top-tier". Maybe he figures if he gets the best boyfriend going his parents might finally approve and let him keep a relationship. (Yes I know Ray's family is also rich and probably prestigious in some way but Ray is an alcoholic and Ray's mother also had addiction issues and a scandalous death so he's clearly not appropriate for dating a politician's son).
And I'm going to end this with a wild, definitely incorrect, theory that I'm sure will be defunct within an episode or so but I still want to put it out in the universe:
Sand is also a rich kid who got disowned for being bi/pan. Sand's ex is Boston. He would have been the partner that couldn't be bought but then Boston cheated on him with Top and everything went to shit. I know it's not an accurate head cannon but just imagine what it would mean for next week's interruption scene in the SandNick apartment.
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moldingtundra · 10 days
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thought I’d talk about my interpretation of unpleasant because yes (also I might make an ask blog about it)
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here’s his human gijinka + basic info (he goes by he/it/them btw)
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Ok so lord timeee!! Content warning for some really sensitive topics (genocide, murder, prostitution, implied abuse, etc.) so watch out.
so unpleasant gradient (aka gradie) was born because his mother was a prostitute and his fathers parents found out so they made him marry her, obviously that does shit and eventually when he turned 7 his father left and he was left along and u can kindddaaa imagine what happeneds when ur left with this type of mom whis also an alcoholic and smoker…yeahhh, so he gets two sibs (one if them is older the other is younger, same mom) pleasant gradient (older, named penny) and monotomous graident (younger, named mono) inclusing a third sibling (gradie has a shit ton, you can imagine why lmao) but he only sees it once and never again, so the three brothers have to survive the famine and genocide going around (it started before gradie was even born) but obviously u can imagine what happens in this typa scenerio (gradie had to almost say bye bye to half of his body bc of a bomb at 15 (he got plastic surgery at 20 to cover up the scars and stuff so dw)) and then there is an opurtunity to escape the country with a bus, but theres only one bus ticket, so penny gives it to gradie and sends him off bc she knows he has the mist potential and promises to find him (its been 45 years he still hasnt seen them) here’s art of what he looked like back then:
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so after he escaped he rebuild his life in the land equivalent of AMERICUH and he attends this high school and he falls in love with builderman but decides not to confess and they both decide to graduate together and try getting it big, builderman did it by building the robloxia community and gradie byt writing his experiences with genocide and hiking high feets no one reached, like he won some guinness world record and some new york times bestseller thing- my guy was packed!!!…..until he got hit by a truck and couldnt do anything anymore (sad 💔) ON TOP OF THAT builderman married jane doe and had thier kid (infected) and graide would by to babysit infected since he was a wee little baby.
so kasper got infected at his 12th birthday. But the infected turns him into a vicious furry or whatever (werewolf if you want) and the first time that happened, he fucking ate his parents and gradie literally just came by to give them lasagna and infecteds present, so now his parents are dead, and graide decides to adopt infected (who hates it lol) and they just raise infected while tryna deal with his furry issue (his furry issue caused him to eat his own cat and some residents) and graide is just like tryna fucking hold himself together bc if the kid u had to babysit thats from ur one sided gay lover who married a fugly woman decides to kill yo one sided gay lover and u had to adopt him I wouldve eaten my organs)
and that’s basically it! Expect an ask blog for him soon this week or before I die lol
toodaloo!
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thebindingofpillo · 1 year
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Isaac
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The man. The myth. The legend himself, Isaac Moriah! His backstory will be pretty short since it’s basically already explained in the game, but there’s a couple little differences that might make it more interesting.
Isaac comes from a deeply problematic family. While his mother wasn’t homicidal, she was prone to rage outbursts and wasn’t above threatening violence to get her way, and his father wasn’t much better, always managing to escalate every and all conflict. They met  for the first time at an AA meeting, while Isaac’s mom was waiting for her brother (Uncle Bob lmao). The two actually clicked and started dating even if they were pretty different people: Mom (I’m just gonna call her Mom to not get her confused with Maggy) was the golden child of a fairly religious family, while Abe was a handy man who went to church every Sunday but not much else. While Mom’s family wasn’t against their relationship, they weren’t exactly pleased either but were willing to let it slide since their daughter seemed happy enough. Anyway, once Mom got pregnant, Abe swore to become the best father he could ever be, and was a good six months sober when they finally got married. Isaac was born soon after and the family actually managed to live happily enough for a few years.
Things get waaaay worse under the cut!
Mom’s family, not pleased with her shotgun wedding, disowned her and cut all contacts with them, which took a tremendous toll on Mom’s psyche, as she was very cose to her family. This caused her to start resenting her son in a way (in her mind, Isaac was the reason her life fell apart) ad there was nothing Abe could do to help her. Their fighting got worse and worse and in the end, Isaac’s did left the family for good, which made everything even worse! But enough about them! This is all about Isaac, his parents will get their own post. Maybe. Eventually. Most definitely, because I love to suffer.
Anyway, Isaac’s home life was never incredible, but with his father spiralling into alcoholism again and his mother being radicalised by televangelists, suffice to say it was a real shit life. I’m not gonna go into details about his abuse, because it makes me kinda uncomfortable and it almost feels voyeuristic in a way, but it wasn’t pretty. Still, Isaac managed to scrape a  few moments of happiness here and there, both with his mom and his dad. One of his dearest memories is of Abe’s bedtime stories, and the time they created the character of Bum-bo together, as well as the countless monsters and funny creatures they crafted out of the cardboard Mom provided them. Or when she let him play dress-up with her makeup and clothes. A crumb of good times amidst all the terrible ones. Eventually it got even worse. Once Abe left the family things very quickly spiralled out of control, with Mom getting more and more unstable and Isaac now taking the brunt of her rage. On a particularly bad day, Isaac locked himself in the toy chest to escape her (just a minor incident involving lunch probably, but Isaac saw the bread knife in her hand and thought the worst) and that’s where his fate diverges from the game.
But just as he accepted his fate, God intervened, sending an angel down from above to stop his mother's hand and, just like that, it was over. Eden burst into the door, quickly opened the chest and held Isaac firmly in their arms as he slowly came back to his senses. They were on the lookout for a new iteration of their friends, and managed to save Isaac just in time. The neighbours promptly called CPS and since both Mom and Abe were not suited to take care of a child, Isaac was put into a foster home that later adopted him. This is also where Maggy comes in! Isaac’s foster parents were her biological ones, so the kids grew up together as siblings. Isaac at first didn’t take very well to his new family, but they had both enough time and financial resources to get him everything he needed (mostly lots of therapy) and with time, he managed to get accustomed to them. Twenty years later, he has no problem calling them “mom” and “dad” and considers Magdalene his full sister. Isaac’s biological parents apparently fell off the face of Earth, and while he’s never expressed the desire to see them, he still thinks about his dad from time to time. While he understands the man probably wasn’t the hero he put on a pedestal when he was a kid, a little part of him still thought of Abe as a good man. What Isaac doesn’t know, is that his adoptive parents went to great lengths to make sure Abe could never reach out to his son, and even got a restraining order against him after the man tried to break into their house, completely drunk, and demanding to see him (Isaac was at school at the time, and doe not know about the incident). Eden also kept a closer eye on Isaac, even as they were busy finding the others.
After this, Isaac’s life became reassuringly mundane. After a couple of years, the family moved (due to Isaac’s therapy being pretty far from home) and in a new school, Isaac and Maggy met Judas, who quickly became their best friend. After middle school came highschool, then college (Isaac majored in art) then work as an illustrator for an indie magazine, then he managed to publish a book (with the help of his sister) and now he’s currently working on some commissioned projects while also trying to balance art contests and other independent gigs. Eventually Maggy left to go live with Judas, and Isaac stayed behind. He still lives with his parents, which is not that bad because they’re lovely people. He still attends group therapy once a month, and has a lot of friends (one of which is Job!!!!! Woooohoooo!!!! A dear friend of his, made by my buddy @bootleg-sara​), most of whom he met in college or while working as a freelance artist. Eve is also one of them! They met in art school.
His personality Isaac is the definition of a good boy. He is an incredibly caring man, and very sensitive too. This doesn’t mean he’s easy to push around tho. While sweet, he’s also very passionate, determined, and will fight tooth and nail for what he believes in, be it his friends or his art. He might be slow to anger, but that doesn’t mean he’s never had a fight. Despite what he went through, he still has a bit of childlike cheekiness in him, and while a bit shy, he’s very quick to warm up to new people. Magdalene helped him  a lot during his formative years, by being his anchor and his first best friend, and definitely helped him get out of his shell.
Now, traumatising events can cause the resurgence of those special memories, and taking into account the sheer amount of trauma Isaac went through during his childhood, it’s not surprising that he remembers everything. Even his past lives after the biblical events, something that no one in the rest of the cast managed to achieve (aside from Lazarus, due to his countless near-death experiences). While Isaac managed to get this under control through therapy and meditation, he still gets some wild dreams sometimes. Due to this, he’s practically unfazed by anything supernatural by now. He already knew Eden was an angel, he actually remembered Azazel from a couple of past lives, and didn’t bat an eye when he met Apollyon for the first time. Sure, angels and demons can be freaky sometimes (he even knows about Judas’ deal with Belial, which sucks because he’s incapable of stopping him) but he is OVER their shit. As long as they’re not a direct threat to him or anyone he loves, they can stay, or else they get the gun. When it comes to magic, Isaac is the living embodiment of the “call an ambulance… but not for me!” GIF.
Stuff
Suffers from claustrophobia.
Does not drink. At all. Can barely stand the smell of alcohol, and definitely doesn’t want to taste it. His friends are cool with it, of course, and he’s usually the designated driver every time they go out.
Despite having worked through most of his trauma, he still can’t bring himself to call Magdalene “Maggy”, as that was his mother’s nickname. He usually just calls her Mag/Mags. At first he couldn’t even stand other people saying that name, but with time he at least managed to overcome that barrier
Loves comics! Even started his own collection
Still loves cats. Currently has two of them, Pickle and Funkytown.
Is still somewhat religious, but mostly just because he knows God exists. You won’t see him in church every Sunday.
Met Azazel while he was in college (the demon was working as a delivery boy) and managed to be his wingman when he wanted to get closer to Judas and Maggy.
On the same note, him and Eden actually became friends throughout his life. They started hanging out around highschool, and while Eden is a bit volatile they still keep contact.
After being adopted, Isaac also changed his last name, so now he’s called Isaac Mitchell. This will probably not be relevant to the story but I felt like saying it
Prefers neutral colours and has a very basic wardrobe. While friendly and eager to meet new people, he’s more than okay with just blending into the background and observe the action
Both he and Maggy have an interest in sewing. While he’s not good enough to make his own clothes, Isaac uses his skills to fit his new dresses to him.
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thewordswewrite · 2 years
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Lonely Is Our Lives
Chapter 2 - Dyer’s Eve
Pairing | Billy Hargrove x Fem!Reader
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!!VERY IMPORTANT A/N!! | I want to preface this by saying I DO NOT condone Billy’s actions throughout the series. I DO NOT condone his violence or abuse, ESPECIALLY against Lucas but also including Max and the others. At the time season two came out in 2017, nearly FIVE years ago at the time I'm writing this, I was very angry and frustrated at the world, resentful of a younger sibling, and disconnected from the people around me so I kind of latched onto Billy as a character and what he represented. I absolutely DID NOT understand what his actions against Lucas truly meant and I DID NOT register it as the racism it was. Knowing what I know now I've decided to write a fic where Billy is able to let go of some of his anger and have someone there to check him and his actions in order to set him on a better path. I wrote this for me as a bit of a redemption fic for both of us.
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Playlist | Link | Chapter Two: Songs 5-8
Story Summary | One fateful 1983 night you narrowly escape death on Steve Harrington’s property while Barbara Holland is presumed dead. Left jaded and angry, you carry on towards your senior year in a haze of sex, drugs, and alcohol just to get through the day. But, when Billy Hargrove moves to Hawkins, Indiana during the fall of 1984 things get worse before they get better.
Chapter Summary | You deal with the fallout of Tina's Halloween party at school the next day.
Story Warnings | explicit language, angst, abusive parents, smut 18+ minors DNI, heavy drug and alcohol usage, alcohol/drug abuse
W/C | 3.6k
Taglist | @youcantbesirius​
A/N | Man ao3 saw it first cause tumblr is a bitch to do when ur obsessed with italics. -Smoe
|Masterlist|  |Chapter One|  |Chapter Three|  |Chapter Four|  |Chapter Five|
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Steve left the party without you. He. Left. You. At a house party at two in the morning shit-faced and exhausted and he left you! So, that morning when you pulled into Hawkins High’s parking lot and saw Nancy get out of Jonathan Byers’ car, you looked the other way and parked next to a familiar-looking blue Camaro. Normally, you would park next to Steve and Nancy so you could talk before class and maybe burn through a few smokes, but today Harrington could go to hell.
Not only had you gotten drunk, stoned, and fucked the new kid but now, as you flipped open your only true relief from the real world, you realized you’d smoked your pack away and your headache was only starting. You were normally better about limiting yourself to about two a day and bumming off whoever after that to tide you over, but that party had done enough damage that you’d needed them. Alcohol, drugs, and sex helped keep the suffocating knowledge of having lived when you weren’t meant to in the recesses of your mind but something about the taste and thick smell of clove brought you back to winter nights with your mom, before Barb, and away from the terrors of Hawkins, Indiana. Your head was pounding with a hangover and all you wanted was a cigarette. 
With a sigh, you turned your head to see the owner of said Camaro, who, lucky for you, was having his morning smoke, and more importantly sat with his passenger seat unlocked. You smiled to yourself and hauled your backpack out of the backseat before climbing out of your car and yanking open the door of Billy’s. You could see he was briefly startled, having gone tense head-to-toe, and gave him a grin.
“Hey, California,” You grabbed the Marlboros off the dash, your lighter already in your hand, and slipped one between your lips. “Mind if I bum one?”
His face was bewildered and angry but his shoulders drooped slightly. “What the fuck?”
You exhaled a smoky laugh. “What happened to all that charm from last night?”
Recognition lit up his face and he scowled. “We fucked, it’s over. Now get out.”
Hands held up in surrender you conceded. “All right, Hargrove, cool it. I only came for a cigarette.” You tossed him back the carton and prepared to exit the vehicle while weighing your options until ultimately, you turned back towards him. “Although, if in the future you want a repeat of last night, I wouldn’t mind…no strings attached, of course,” You gave him a once over. “I don’t date.”
Billy looked contemplative for a moment before focusing his gaze out the window at the group of girls who’d been watching the two of you and sneered. “Neither do I.”
Despite your attempted indifference, Billy had been a good lay. He knew what to do and what spots to hit which was more than could be said for the majority of your school’s male population. You couldn’t stand his piece of shit attitude like the world owed him something, but he had one thing that no one in this town did. He was so far removed from what made your hometown unappealing to you which made him that much more desirable. From his sun-kissed skin to the way his eyes shined as blue as his Camaro, Billy Hargrove was a vision compared to the greyscale that was Hawkins. So, fuck it. If you wanted an escape and he could provide it, why not ask?
You could feel as he leaned closer to giving in and decided to give him a nudge. “So, have we got a deal? Because if not, Nancy and Steve are pretty much through, and rebound sex is-”
“Fine,” He huffed, rolling down his window and flicking his bud outside. “But no more of this shit, understand?” He craned his neck to show three angry, purple bruises littering the underside of his jaw.
You smiled wickedly and leaned out towards him, grazing your thumb over the marks as he reeled his head back from you. “That’s some fine work right there. Impolite to be so…unappreciative.”
Billy snatched your hand from his neck and threw it away from him. “What I don’t appreciate is getting a lecture from my father about sleeping around with townie sluts.”
The name made your nose twitch but you kept your composure. “Well, he’s not wrong, is he?” You forced an empty smile onto your mouth and finally opened the door. “It’s been lovely, California, but I’ve got to get to class,” You rose from the car and started to make your way to the school. 
You shielded your eyes from the newly risen sun and relished in the cool autumn air. Billy’s car had been stuffy with cigarette smoke and this half-baked arrangement the two of you agreed to had you wishing you kept your mouth shut. You weren't sure that it was a good idea to be getting yourself involved with Billy Hargrove but the monotony of your life made it hard for you to resist the distraction. Almost to the doors, you’d nearly made it when you saw Steve hurriedly get out of his car and jog over to you.
Steve ran a hand through his hair and quickly started talking. “I’m sorry. Please, just listen-”
“Oh, please! Save it, Harrington. I don’t want to hear it,” You interrupted, sticking a finger into his chest.
Steve grabbed your shoulders and stopped you. “Please. I was drunk and angry and I…I just forgot!” You stiffened and realized he knew not to grab you like this.
You took a second to truly look at Steve and register the dark circles under his eyes and overall ragged appearance and shrugged out of his hold. “Fine, maybe by lunch I’ll ‘forget’ about you leaving me there.” You crossed your arms and looked away but found yourself being pulled into a hug. Your breathing stopped and you felt like ripping off your skin.
“I think things between Nance and I are over,” He mumbled into your hair. You always had trouble staying mad at Steve so, when you could hear the unshed tears in his voice, you quickly conceded, forcing yourself to relax as much as possible into the hug.
You sighed and uncrossed your arms, pulling Steve against you. “Cmon, Steve she was drunk-”
“No, she doesn’t love me.” His voice choked up and you felt it as he shook his head against you. Finally unable to control yourself you pulled away and held him by his shoulders. His eyes were slightly glassy and you could see just how unkempt he was in the light.
“I love you, and even if she's not in love with you, I know Nancy does too.” You gave Steve a reassuring smile and he returned it in earnest.
“Thanks. I love you too,” He seemed reluctant to leave but caught sight of something over your shoulder, suddenly looking flighty. “I’m gonna go, see you at lunch?” You turned to see Jonathan hugging Nancy and your mouth tightened.
“Mhm,” You nodded and by the time you turned back, Steve had already walked away.
With a sigh, you walked into the building towards your first-period class. As you passed through the hallways you aptly avoided any contact with the people around you, your skin still crawled from Steve’s hug and you didn’t want to risk a breakdown that day. When you made it to your class and sat safely at a desk you sagged in relief and hoped that things would get easier as time went on.
~ ~ ~
Your day, passed agonizingly slowly, classes dragged on and you were exhausted from the night before. Unfortunately, it was only noon as you sat at your usual table in the lunchroom. Typically, the table was reserved for Steve, Nancy, and you but now you sat alone, with ten minutes left of the period with Nancy across the room and wondering if Steve was even going to show up. Mid-bite of your pizza, a light touch met your back and you stiffened but, again, forced yourself to relax, knowing it would only be Steve.
“How’s it goin’ Stevie?” You mumbled around your food.
Steve walked around you and took the seat opposite yours. “Ya’ know it would be better if I knew why Billy Hargrove was asking me about your underwear and then throwing me to the floor during gym basketball,” He had an expectant look on his face. “You wanna explain that?”
Your eyebrows shot up. “What?” You coughed out, wiping your mouth. Billy was asking about you?
“Yeah, he’s got a bunch of hickeys on his neck so, of course, I was teasing him about it, court talk ya’ know, and then he brought you up and was all ‘wonder if you have a pair of her underwear too or if that’s just me?’” Steve mocked Billy’s voice and you could feel a grin begin to split onto your face. “And I was all-” Steve stopped and stared at you incredulously. “Why are you smiling like that? It was horrible! Why does he think I care if he has your underwear and why does he have your underwear!” He huffed and crossed his arms.
You couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out laughing. “He-he said that? To you? During gym?” You could feel your stomach start to cramp at how hard you were laughing.
Steve began to look around tentatively at the other students in the lunchroom as they stared at your table. “Would you keep it down?” Steve whisper-yelled and groaned into his hands.
You couldn’t believe it. Billy had done the whole ‘I don’t care about you, we’re not dating’ shtick only to go and prod at Steve about you behind your back. You’d told Billy you weren’t going to date him but you didn’t date anyone and you definitely didn’t go around bragging about sleeping with him to every girl that made an offhand comment about his particularly tight jeans that day. He’d seemed so indifferent this morning and you’d really never have guessed that Billy Hargrove was the bragging type. Despite his outward bravado, he seemed like the type of person to keep most of his life pretty private and try to keep the social advantage of his mysterious new kid title. 
Steve was now looking at you in horror. “You slept with him didn’t you?”
“Do you want me to lie or tell you the truth?” You asked, sipping your Coke.
“Lie.”
You smiled sweetly and folded your hands on the table in front of you. “No, Steve. I did not have sex with Billy Hargrove.”
Steve dropped his head in his hands and groaned again. “Oh my god. Why? He’s a grade ‘A’ asshole and he just got here yesterday! How have you already had sex with him?”
You rolled your eyes and pushed your lunch tray away from you. “I seem to remember being abandoned at a Halloween party, alone and destitute after one of my best friends viciously insulted my character. So sorry if I needed a bit of a pick-me-up.”
“You couldn't have just gotten wasted?” Steve argued but the fight left his voice all but vanished at the mention of Nancy.
“Oh, I did that too,” You reassured him. “And smoked some weed.”
Steve sighed out your name and eyed you in concern. “I thought things were getting better?” He shifted his leg over so his knee was touching yours. Comfort without constraint.
You felt bad for lying but you felt worse knowing that Steve constantly worried about you. He knew you struggled with coping with what happened and you held Steve while he hyperventilated on the floor enough to know he struggled too but for you it was different. Steve was only involved because of Nancy and Nancy was only involved because of Barb. But you? You bled out for fourteen minutes and then flatlined three times while in a coma for two weeks and then woke up to find out that Barbara Holland was missing, presumed dead, and that the only people who’d come to see you in the hospital were the ones fucking fifty feet from your dying body.
You were resentful. You knew that, and you knew it was horrible because comparing your trauma to theirs was unfair when they’ve done nothing but support you. But, when Steve looked at you, his face the image of crushed hope, and Nancy’s big brown eyes welled up with tears,  her neck strained as she held back sobs at your failed sobriety, you couldn’t feel bad anymore. It had been almost a year and somehow they hadn't noticed that you’d given up, or maybe they’d just stopped looking.
“They are,” You nibbled at your lip and felt your stomach weigh down at your lie. “It was just hard last night.” You’d agreed to drink no more than two beers and to draw the line at cigarettes but unsurprisingly you’d succumbed to your cravings as you always did.
“It was.” Steve nodded in agreement but still held that same look of pity in his eyes that you hated. Suddenly the bell rang, signaling the end of the period, and as you stared longingly at your half-finished lunch, your resolve broke.
“Whatever, what I do and who I fuck is none of your concern anyway. I’m fine.” Before Steve could stop you, you quickly stood up and grabbed your backpack, storming out of the lunchroom and directly into someone in the process. A strangled cry escaped from your lips and your eyes scrunched closed.
The contact whipped your shoulder back and it ached. You tried to avoid straining your shoulder as much as possible since your accident and the doctor’s ‘optimistic’ six to twelve-month recovery prognosis. Your rotator cuff had been entirely torn by that thing’s claws and according to the hospital, it was a miracle you could move your arm at all. The pain was blinding and you swayed on your feet while you tried to get your eyes to stop stinging.
Steve, having been right behind you on your way out, caught you against his chest and you let yourself be held for a moment until you could get your body under control. You forced yourself to blink until you could see straight and quickly removed yourself from Steve’s grip when you felt you wouldn’t fall over.
“Are you alright?” Steve worried, his arms hovering around you, ready to catch you if you fell.
“I’m fine.” You felt like throwing up but the pain only fueled your anger. You slowly began to take steps away from Steve but he swiftly blocked your path.
Steve held up his hands and pointed in the direction of the front office. “What are you doing? You need to go to the nurse.”
“And have them do what? Give me an ice pack? Call my dad to come get me? Yeah, sure.” You brushed past him and continued towards the main doors of the school.
“Where are you going?” Steve called after you.
“To sleep it off.”
~ ~ ~
A sudden knock on your window jolted you awake. It didn’t take much considering you were barely asleep, to begin with, but the jarring noise left you panting in fear. You looked out the window frantically only to see Billy peering in at you. You lifted your hand to wipe it across your face but quickly stopped and hissed in pain. With a sigh, you dropped your arm and rolled up the window in lieu of easing yourself back into consciousness and decided to attempt to talk to the boy looking at you harshly through your window.
“Billy,” You greeted him with a scratchy voice.
Billy’s eyebrows were pulled together and he seemed even more annoyed than he had that morning. “Care to explain why Harrington came up to me looking for a fight and screaming about me fucking you?”
“Actually, if I remember it was more me fucking you but I guess the details aren’t that important.” You lazily smiled up at him and stifled a yawn on the back of your other hand.
Billy sucked his lower lip between his teeth and let out a sardonic laugh. He leaned over the roof of your car and gnarly stuck his head through your window. “I thought you weren’t fucking King Steve?”
You rolled your eyes and laid your head back. “I’m not.”
“Then care to explain why he looked ready to start throwing punches?”
“Sure, I’ll dumb it down for ya’. He hates you, but he loves me. I fucked you, he can’t hate me. He fights you,” You began to roll your shoulder, stretching it out. “You starting to understand?”
Billy shook his head and leaned back against his car, beginning to study you. His tongue darted out as his eyes roamed your body and briefly paused to watch as you massaged your arm. As soon as he noticed you noticing him, his eyes were back on your own. “It gonna’ be a problem?”
“Stevie? No,” You scoffed. “He’s just upset because of your ‘court talk’ during gym. You were asking some pretty personal questions there California.”
Billy grinned wickedly at that and laughed, breathy and low. “Harrington should really learn to plant his feet,” Billy crossed his arms and squinted, ticking his chin up in question. “You free tonight?”
You squint back. “No, but I’ll be free Saturday.”
“Why not sooner?”
You huff and began to explain. “My dad’s home and I've got work today. Besides as much as I loved our first location, I’m not the biggest fan of car sex. And Friday is the basketball game, which you’ll be at, and afterward, Steve, Nancy and I go out for food,” You paused. “Or did. It’ll probably just be Steve and me.”
“Cancel,” He challenged.
“I heard all the girls say how pretty you are but no one told me you had a sense of humor too,” You deadpanned.
Billy’s face dropped into a scowl. He went to retort when suddenly his head whipped towards the sound of his name coming from where a red-haired girl with a matching scowl was stomping towards the car. She quickly came up to him and tried to open the door he was laying against.
“Do you mind?” She sassed.
“Sister?” You guessed, amused.
Billy’s teeth clenched. “Step-.” Billy leaned off of the car just enough for the girl to get through and slammed it back closed with his butt.
You laughed at the irony of the two identically angry siblings not even being related by blood. “I honestly would’ve never guessed.”
“Why?” The girl had rolled down the window and was now aiming her anger toward you and you couldn’t help but laugh again at how similar it felt to Billy’s.
Your eyes flitted between their faces and you smiled harder. “I’ll tell Billy some other time and he can tell you.”
The girl’s face morphed into one of confusion and then disgust. “Gross,” She then backhanded Billy’s side and he whipped around. “Let’s go.”
You look at the clock by your stereo and sigh. “I’ve gotta go anyway.” You watched as the redhead put on a pair of headphones and pressed play on her Walkman. A bit quieter you added: “See you Saturday?”
“I don’t even know where you live,” Billy grumbled, taking out a smoke.
You glided on your sunglasses with a smirk. “Ask Steve.”
~~~
You were late. You needed to be home before your dad and you were late. You parked and held back tears as you sat in the driveway. It would be worse if you cried so you wouldn’t. You heaved yourself out of the car and trudged up the steps of your porch. As you reached for the doorknob the door was simultaneously wrenched open and you’re met with the angry glower of your father.
“Where were you? And why was I getting calls from the school about you skipping class?” He rumbled.
“My um-,” You started, voice shaky. “My shoulder was bugging me so I went and sat in my car. I didn’t want them to disturb you at work.”
“Well they did that anyway, didn’t they?” He grabbed your upper arm and squeezed while using the other hand to point in your face. “And that’s my car. You don’t own anything.” 
You nodded, staring past his face. Your dad pulled you into the house and threw you towards the stairs. You stumbled but didn't fall and swiftly began to climb up to your room. The room itself was simple, with white walls and carpeted floors but was covered from corner to corner in every single thing you’ve ever owned. Because no matter what your father said these things were yours.
Despite the relief of your sanctuary, your entire upper body throbbed with pain and when you felt tears prick your eyes again, you gave in and let them fall. You desperately wanted to relax but knew you couldn’t take a moment to rest. You still had work and that started in less than thirty minutes since you arrived home late.
Tears still falling, you grabbed your work shirt off of where you had it laid out on your bed and in a swift motion removed your current one. You had no plans to look in the mirror but your eyes caught your reflection and you couldn’t help but stare. The scars held some morbid curiosity you had difficulty denying and often had to stop yourself from looking at for hours.
Your mind had cataloged the size and shape of each claw mark that ran down your body and if you severed your reflection from your identity enough you could almost see them as something other than a reminder. But right now you were too aware of your body and could only cry: cry for your constant pain, your father’s anger, Steve’s optimism, Nancy’s words, Barb.
But you had to look away. You had work.
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thelaundrybitch · 2 years
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Little Blue Hearts Update - Chapter 17
Happy Tuesday, Turtle Doves! 😍
Today's chapter is near and dear to my heart. I poured a lot of my soul into it.
I hope you are enjoying the fun ride on my emotional rollercoaster, and I hope you all have a wonderful week!
Next chapter updates on Friday 🥳💕
Warning: mentions drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and depression
18+ content - for mature audiences only!
Reblogs only, please!
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Little Blue Hearts cover art by the lovely @leosgirl82
The Book of Liv
~Leonardo~
It's Ashley Time.
Master Splinter has decided to have us all sit around every other day while Ashley tells us a story about her cousin - Liv.
He had said it would help her feel less lonely. Perk her up because she misses her cousin so much. Make her feel more like a part of the family- Ashely, not Liv.
But I knew better from the moment he suggested it - what it really meant.
Ashley needs her cousin to be in on our secret.
I agreed to his request; to sit in and listen, to keep an open mind. I had zero intention of ever letting her down here.
Little did I know that Ashley Time would become something I looked forward to, maybe even becoming my favorite part of the week.
This woman? Amazing.
I mean, if all the stories are true, that is.
She has a heart of gold. She's brave, kind, intelligent, a great leader... Hell, after the second story, I was ready to throw it all away for her.
We've heard about how she saves animals that are stuck or hurt. On a regular basis -like she's Cinderella or some shit.
She, apparently, voluntarily takes all the "Bad" kids at a camp she works for and gets to know each one of them, finding their strengths and interests. Then she uses this information to help them feel like an integral part of the group. She'll give each one a special privilege and a job that utilizes their strengths to help the group and to help them realize they aren't bad kids.
One of her jobs has brought her into contact with many sleazy men, who target single women and harass them; thus, the woman needs help in the form of an escape. While everyone else walks by, she steps up. She will walk right up to the woman in trouble, pretend she knows her, and take her to a security officer or a manager of the closest business. And she'll STAY! Until she knows that the woman is and feels physically and emotionally safe.
She works hard alongside her employees. She saves them from upper management. My favorite was the story about the laundry attendant. Liv worked in a hotel where she was the minority- all the workers were Filipino and Asian - most of them speaking English as a second language. The upper management liked to take advantage of them. They would also punish the employees for the smallest reasons. One day she was sitting at her desk and heard her boss screaming and belittling one of the laundry attendants because the laundry attendant had made a small mistake. The things being said were so cruel that the attendant was sobbing while the director continued the onslaught of demeaning words. Liv got up, went into the office, and put her arm around the girl. She looked at the director and said, "We're going to go to HR. If you have anything else to say or discuss, please feel free to meet us there." Then, she not only brought the girl to HR, but she stayed with her and made sure HR had a full account of what happened and what was said, written and signed by both her and the laundry attendant—Freakin hero.
And I mean, she's done the good Samaritan stuff, too- first aid on an elderly man who fell walking as she passed him. She has gotten out and helped push cars out of an intersection. She gave a single mother and her son a ride home from the grocery store in the winter during a snowstorm. She paid for an elderly woman's ENTIRE cart of groceries when her food stamps card didn't go through - and never thought twice about any of it.
But I think the winner, for me, was the story about her siblings and her mother.
A couple of weeks before she graduated from high school, Liv's parents decided that their marriage was completely over. It had been over for years, but her mother had enough of her father's alcohol and drug abuse, and told him to leave. It took a toll on her mother- her father leaving, that is. A couple of months after she graduated high school, she was off to college- a seven-hour drive away from her home, her siblings, and her mother.
Everything seemed fine for the first few months until one of her siblings started calling her. First once a week, then gradually every day. It started off as "Mom is always tired and sleeps a lot." It turned into "We have no clean clothes to wear. We have no food in the house. They've turned the electricity off. Mom won't go to work; she won't even get out of bed to make us food anymore. The sheriff came to the door again and said we have to move out in 30 days."
At this point, Liv packed up her essentials and had one of her friends come to get her and bring her home.
When she got home, it was worse than she thought. Her mother was in a complete state of depression. Her siblings were dirty, skinny, and hungry. The cupboards were barren. Her siblings hadn't been to school in weeks...
None of the bills hadn't been paid since she graduated and her father left.
So at just barely 18, she started working... Five jobs. Two full-time and three part-time. She also took over her mother's business and was running that too. She made sure the house was clean, that her siblings were fed and cared for, and that they went to school. She helped them catch up on the schoolwork they had missed and ensured all their homework was completed correctly. She did the grocery shopping and all the cooking. She paid off the outstanding balances on the electric and water bills. She caught up on the mortgage. And finally, she got her mother the help she needed. She did this for three, almost four years. She dropped her whole life for the love of her siblings and mother. She had no time to do anything for herself. She barely slept! She only napped in-between her jobs for 45 minutes to 3 hours at most. Incredible. Admirable. And very honorable.
"I want to meet her," I blurt out as Ashley finishes telling her story.
Everybody turns and looks at me in shock.
"Oh, come on. You can't tell me you don't want to meet her after THAT," I say, feeling heat rise to my cheeks.
"I think it best that we continue to hear more stories, while we have Donatello do some research into her and her life before we invite her to stay with us for a while," says Master Splinter.
"Stay?" Questions Ashley.
"Yes, child. We need her to stay with us until we feel she can be trusted," he says, standing up from the Tatami, Raph right behind him, helping him.
"I would like you to work with Donatello and tell him everything he needs to know about your cousin. He can begin working on his research when he has some free time."
"Whatever you need, Donnie, let me know. You can skip patrols for a while if you need the time," I say, quicker than intended.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Ashley and Master Splinter smiling at each other.
Donnie stands up, stretching his arms above his head. "Well, if you aren't busy, we can actually start on the research now," he says, looking at Ashley, who is being helped up by Mikey. I love that she's turned him into such a gentleman.
"Yes! Definitely! I will tell you anything you want to know!" She says enthusiastically.
"Alright, I'm gonna grab some coffee. Meet me in the lab?" He asks.
"We'll meet you there after we grab her a sweatshirt. It's always a bit chilly in there, and I don't need my angel getting sick," says Mikey as he pulls Ashley in for a kiss, her smiling from ear to ear.
I can't help but smirk and roll my eyes, Donnie doing the same.
"I'll clean up in here and meet you guys in the lab after," I say.
"Actually..." says Ashley, looking to Master Splinter, then back to me, "I would like for it to be only Donnie and me doing the research. I want you guys to get to know her on your own."
"But..." I start.
"She's right, Leonardo," says Master Splinter, "It will give you things to talk about. So you have a reason to truly trust her."
I can't argue. One, it's coming from Master Splinter. And two, it's a good reason.
"Will we at least get to see a picture?" I ask, sounding more like a little kid complaining about wanting hints for their Christmas presents.
Mikey giggles, and I shoot him a look. Little shit. I should throw something at him.
"I think that's doable," says Ashley with a smile.
Lord help me. I should've never asked for a picture.
Little Blue Hearts Master list HERE
@leosgirl82 @turtle-babe83 @chicchanmooshy @roxosupreme @mysticboombox @nittleboo @post-apocalyptic-daydream @xanadu702 @donniesdove @pheradream15 @mistyroselove @ashleighclark98 @mrskenobi677 @jurikyu-blog @drowninghell @sewerninno @tmntspidergirl @raphielover
*If you aren’t on this list, please let me know if you want me to tag you in my other work or if you prefer me to not tag you 😘
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lilgynt · 3 years
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i feel like in middle and high school checking out like. all the books that had the main character go through serious trauma like suicide abuse kidnapping forced indoctrination and like. other shit should have put me on a list or some shit 
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touyaspeach · 3 years
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previous // masterlist // next
My parents didn't want me, why would you? (Why would you?) / You're the best so I will do what I will do for you / I've got problems in my brain, you help me ease the pain / Help me numb it out when I been crying in the rain 'cause / I've got these demons that I can't shake
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chapter four - you deserve better
A/N ; Gods this chapter is so long, but I really didn't want to split it up between parts especially not with how the story is meant to progress. Please heed the warnings, there's a lot that could be triggering in this chapter and though for the sake of the story it's a vital one, please tread with extreme caution.
Warnings ; mentions of past abuse, abortion, drug use, domestic violence, assault, alcohol, cigarettes, violence, slut-shaming, swearing, injuries, pretty much everything awful is mentioned in this chapter
Words ; 7.6k
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The question burned in the back of your mind as you slowly walked the aisles of the drug store, looking for the proper brand of hair dye for Dabi. You worked over the potentials in your brain, trying to piece the puzzle together. All the parts were there, you just had to figure out how they fit.
You plucked a box of dye from the shelving to examine it, to see how well it’d cover exceptionally light blond. You mused over the fact that Dabi’s natural color was white, it was such an unusual shade even amongst heroes whose bodies were altered by their quirks. You went through the list of heroes you knew with white hair.
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And it was pure white, too. Not a very pale blond like that Bakugou kid. As far as you could tell; there were only a handful of heroes who had a similar color, and none of them also had any relation to a fire quirk.
Then, what about fire quirks? That was the next logical step. There was Burnin’, Endeavor, and his son Shouto. Fire quirks were rare in and of themselves. You considered Endeavor for a moment- didn’t he have like, a shit ton of kids? You whipped out your phone and a quick google search pulled up Endeavor’s family.
He was married to a woman named Rei, and they had four children together. Shouto, the kid with half fire and half ice, Fuyumi and Natsuo, which there wasn’t much information on. And Touya, who had died at the age of 13.
You clicked on the article for Rei, the mother, and upon seeing her picture you audibly gasped. She had white hair; the same shade of white hair as Dabi. You read through what little information you could find: her marriage with Endeavor was a quirk marriage. Something outdated by today’s standards but not unheard of. She had an unnamed ice quirk, and it was obvious that’s where Shouto got his.
The puzzle started coming together. Shouto Todoroki also had half white hair. You clicked through to Fuyumi; she was a teacher with a similarly unnamed ice quirk. She also had white hair. Your heart thrummed in your chest as you clicked on Natsuo Todoroki. Could this be…?
No. They looked too dissimilar, and besides that, Natsuo was a college student. He looked happy and cheerful in the image from the article.
That left Touya. The dead child. You read through some articles on his death, the circumstances were difficult to uncover but they were pointing to his quirk manifesting too early. He’d burned alive, the poor thing.
Or did he? Another piece fell into place. No…what if he didn’t burn alive? What if that incident left his body riddled with scars and left his skin nearly sloughing off? It didn’t take a genius to know that Endeavor was a piece of trash toward his family, so what if he took that opportunity to escape?
Your grip on the dye box loosened and if fell to the ground with a loud thump. You drew a shaking hand to your mouth, biting on the skin of your forefinger to make sure you weren’t dreaming.
Could it be that Dabi was Touya Todoroki?
He hated Endeavor, and he never told you why. He has a fire quirk, just like Endeavor. His hair is white just like Rei’s. It would explain not finding any previous records of him before he became Dabi. Holy shit. Holy shit, you think you’re on to something.
It just made too much sense. You absently bent down to grab the box of hair dye and put it into your basket as your mind raced. You grabbed two more, just in case.
Keeping his identity a secret was important, you could see why. What would Endeavor do if he knew his dead son was alive-was a villain? You weren’t sure if Dabi could take Endeavor in a fight, his quirk already took too much of a toll on his body.
You meandered around the store while more and more pieces continued to fall into place. Grabbing a few supplies like bandages, medicines, gauze. All the things you’d need to keep a ragtag group of villains patched up since they couldn’t go to a hospital. Obviously.
You knew that you’d have to bring it up to him, but after what happened last night, you didn’t think it was a good time. You were sure he was probably still raw from what Hana had attempted to do, the thought of which made you burn with rage and hatred.
Why didn’t he just leave her? You didn’t understand. She was awful to him, literally abusive. And he just took it? He could burn her to a crisp in a heartbeat, so why didn’t he? Gods there was so much you needed to ask him about.
And besides that, you tried not to think about the hickey he’d left on your chest the night before. The one that surrounded the inch-long cut above your left breast where he’d ingested your blood to heal the wounds Hana had given him. You eyed a few packs of medical staples and shoved the lot of them in the basket.
If she were going to be this way towards him, and he was going to take it, he’d need someone to care for him and to look out for him. Personal feelings of affection aside, it was clear he didn’t really have anyone in his corner. You resolved yourself to be that person for him.
Not because you wanted to be with him or win his affections-which you did, to be clear- but because you knew he needed someone. He needed at least one person in his life that didn’t want to cause harm or use him for some reason or another. He needed a genuine friend, and you could do that for him.
You exchanged few pleasantries with the cashier as you checked out, trying to work out how to confront Dabi – Touya – about this. Would he hate being called that name? You found yourself quite liking the thought of it, of using his real name. Touya…it sounded bright? It’s hard to explain it. You worked the name around in your mouth, breathing it softly to see how it tasted.
Your mind was scattered and focused all at once as you found yourself back at the League of Villains HQ. Walking into the bar, Kurogiri was wiping down the counter, Shigaraki was perched on a stool as far away from the door as possible, and Toga was preoccupied taking cute selfies on her phone.
“Did you get what I asked for?” Shigaraki questioned, his voice strained and gruff as usual.
“Yes,” you handed him a bag with most of the medical supplies, including several bottles of pain killers. You hoped he didn’t notice the Chapstick you snuck in. He hummed approvingly, then made your way over to Toga.
“How are you doing, sweetheart?” You asked her, though she looked to be doing perfectly fine.
“I’m doing great!” she chirped, “Take a picture with me, come on!” Her excitement was infectious, and you agreed, leaning in while she snapped a few. You tried a few cute poses with her, throwing up a peace sign and sticking your tongue out. She thanked you for taking the time with her and mentioned she’d send them to you.
Once that was done you plopped your other bag onto the bar and similarly plopped yourself in a stool. You were still thinking about how you were going to confront Dabi – Touya – about this and decided that a drink wouldn’t hurt to take the edge off.
“You drinking?” Kurogiri questioned.
“Yes, please. Bloody Mary if you don’t mind. Extra spice.” The irony of your choice in drink was not lost on Shigaraki, who snickered from the corner. You shot him a look as Kurogiri began throwing your drink together. He made sure to add a decent amount of tabasco before sliding it across the bar to you.
You took a long drink from it, the flavors and alcohol mingling deliciously. This was the first thing you’d eaten today, you realized. If you can consider drinking alcohol eating. You made a mental note to have something once you finished your drink.
The rest of the evening passed uneventfully. The alcohol did, in fact, help with the looming anxiety of the confrontation, and you had a light meal on top of it to soothe the hunger. Dabi was out for most of the night, and you hoped it wasn’t with Hana, not after last night.
Truth is, he was avoiding you. He didn’t know how to talk to you about why he dyed his hair, and after everything that happened between you, he was nervous. Dabi. Nervous. He cursed himself where he sat, legs sprawled out in front of him on a park bench. He was smart enough to wear his civilian clothes; a large jacket with the hood pulled up and a high collar to conceal his mouth, and dark sunglasses to hide his eyes. He’d planned on staying here until he knew you were asleep; then he’d sneak back into HQ for a few hours himself, and then once again he would make himself scarce.
He knew he couldn’t avoid you forever, but he just needed time to sort shit out in his mind. Should he tell you the truth? That would only end badly, he reasoned. He trusted you but he didn’t trust you like that. He didn’t trust anybody like that. And if word got out about his identity before he was ready, it would ruin his grand plans to destroy his father once and for all.
But you’d seen his roots, and the only comment you made was that you would get him the dye he needed to cover them. Maybe he was being worried over nothing? Was it worth the risk?
The image of you in his lap returned to him, and he swallowed thickly. Gods how unfair was it that you were so close and yet so far out of his reach. But he knew he couldn’t have you. Not yet. Not with Hana around.
You deserved more than to be his “side-chick” as you so put it. And it was true, he didn’t want to do that to you, not after all you’d done for him.
Your blood had tasted so sweet. He assumed it had to do with your quirk, but it tasted like fresh citrus sprinkled with sugar. It reminded him of summertime, and he lost himself in the fantasy of the two of you going on a picnic to the beach. Swimming, enjoying the sun, laughing with each other, being…normal. This was the kind of life he craved; but he knew was impossible.
Still, he allowed himself to fantasize on occasion.
He realized it spoke volumes that in this fantasy he was with you and not with Hana. Truthfully, he knew Hana was awful. He hated her, he really, truly hated her.
He remembered the reason he stayed with her. It was about a month after they met, and they were fucking on the regular, but casually. She had seemed off that night, a distant look in her eyes, her thoughts far from him. He tried to kiss them away, to be gentle and loving with her; but it didn’t seem to work.
After they had fucked, as they laid in a heap of tangled limps and post-coital bliss, she opened to him for the first time. With tears in her eyes, she lamented on her situation: she had been living with her father for the last three years as opposed to being homeless. In that time, he’d beaten and raped her repeatedly, gotten her addicted to drugs in order to control her, and forced her to have an abortion the week prior. She spilled it all, tears flowing freely, but her voice unwavering.
She needed help. She needed him. It was the first time in his life he’d felt that way, that maybe he could do something for someone else. So, he used the money he’d earned from general Villainy to put her up in an apartment. It was shitty, unglamorous, but away from her father. He helped her through withdrawals as she got clean, took care of her when she wanted to die because of it.
Once she was looking healthier, a modelling agency contacted her about working for them, she gratefully accepted, saying sweet things about how it was her turn to take care of him. She told him she loved him, then. That she was grateful to him.
But that changed not long after her first gig. She was under a lot of stress, Dabi understood that, and he tried to be as supportive as possible. She was the first person who ever needed him, she was the first person he could be tender with, and that didn’t stop when she took her frustrations and anger out on him.
Not the first time. Or the second. Or every time after that. Not when she busted his scalp open by throwing a plate at him; not when she took a boxcutter and marked up his thigh; not when they stopped having sex and started hate fucking. Did he love her at some point? Perhaps. But now? He hated her.
And whenever he thought about leaving, the image of her calm but crying face found him, and the truth of her admission tugged at his heart. He would have cried for her if he could. So, this is where he was at. In an abusive relationship with a woman who hated and used him, and utterly fallen for the woman who’d been his only comfort in such a long time.
Fuck, did he just admit that to himself? It was obvious he was into you; you were sexy and alluring, and you had a quiet strength about you that he adored. You listened to him talk about Hana, and you never judged him for not fighting back. You just quietly tended to his wounds – mental and physical.
He needed you. He needed that softness, that gentleness that you provided. You didn’t scold him for not leaving her, you didn’t pity him. You just picked up the broken pieces of a broken man and tried your best to put them back together; even when he shattered them over again. He needed you and he did not deserve you, and he slid further down the bench at the realization.
He loved you. He’d fallen in love with you that first night you talked to him on the balcony, and with every interaction since he’d just dug his grave deeper. He shouldn’t though, and he knew it. He’d fallen too hard, too fast, and he knew part of it was to do with the contrast between you and Hana.
Where she was cold; a winter storm that was unrelenting as the cold bit into you and threatened to drag you down, you were warm; a lovely summer’s evening spent with fireworks and lemonade and gentle smiles. He did not deserve you.
And he knew he needed you. He knew he loved you, and he found some solace in admitting it to himself, though he’d never tell you. Not today, but some day, perhaps.
And Hana…he knew he needed to break things off with her. Now that she’d been working consistently, she could afford that apartment on her own, she didn’t need him anymore. He was convenient, and he put up with her shit. She was no longer the sad, broken girl he’d met. She was independent now; she had a life now.
Realizing that she didn’t need him anymore sent a pang through his heart, and he felt hot blood seep from the seams beneath his eyes. He had to break it off with her.
But he had to figure out how, and how to do it without involving you and getting you hurt again. Hana was unpredictable, and wild and who knows what she would do if she knew he wanted to leave her for you.
He’d gotten a taste of what bliss felt like, and he greedily wanted more.
It was three in the morning before Dabi found his way back home. He crept silently past your room and to his, minding the broken glass that still littered his floor. He still hadn’t changed his bloody sheets from the night prior, but he was too tired at this point to care. He fell back into his mattress and dragged his palms down his cheeks. He really was in too deep.
And fuck he wanted a cigarette. So that’s what he did, for the first night in months he smoked alone on the veranda, but his thoughts were swimming of you.
 
His plan of avoiding you the next day didn’t work. You were up hours before he was, and you were waiting for him when he came out for his morning smoke. He’d half a mind to turn tail and run, but that was childish and Dabi wasn’t one to back down from a challenge.
You walked over to him, flicking your spent cigarette off the balcony and taking the seat next to his. He braced himself, for what? He wasn’t sure. But he knew it’d be hard to swallow, whatever it was.
“How are you feeling?” You asked him casually. He considered it for a moment.
“Fine.”
“Did you put yourself back together?” You eyed the staples on his cheeks, they looked to be intact.
“Mostly.”
He didn’t seem to want to talk to you, and for a moment you thought you’d done something wrong. Did you take things too far last night? Should you have just minded your own business and-? No. You didn’t let yourself finish that thought. You would not allow him to suffer her abuse while you were around. She’d have to get through you to hurt him, and you were willing to do whatever it took to keep him safe.
“I got you some hair dye,” you said at last.
“Thanks.”
“And some medical staples.”
“Thanks.”
You turned to him then, his short replies worrying you. He looked tired, though he always had an air of exhaustion. His turquoise eyes met yours and you held his stare for a long moment.
“Talk to me.”
“About?”
“What’s going on with you today. You’re acting distant…”
“Hmm.”
You were starting to get frustrated but getting angry at him wouldn’t be intuitive. Not after everything. You decided on a gentler method.
“If you can guess what I’m thinking about, I’ll tell you a secret.” You cooed sweetly. This earned a smirk from him, finally and it eased your heart to see it.
“I can’t image what’s going on in that pretty head of yours, Doll.” He mused.
“It’ll be easier to guess than you think,” you urged. He considered you for a moment, looking at you for the first time today. The air was warm, and you dressed in a flowery sundress to accommodate. It hugged and dipped in just the right places and he caught himself staring at your thighs.
“You have questions about my hair.”
You hummed, “You’re wrong about that. Now you have to tell me a secret.”
He chuckled, “That’s not the game.”
“It is now! If you give me a secret, I’ll tell you what I’m thinking.”
He huffed dramatically, as if you’d placed a great burden on him though you knew it was in jest. You giggled at his theatrics. “Fine, fine. You want a secret?”
You nodded excitedly, but his eyes went dark, and his brow furrowed as he thought about it. He considered confessing to you, telling you that he loved you and would literally burn the world for you, but he digressed. Not yet. It wouldn’t be fair to you to do that. He then thought about telling you his name, his real name. But again, not a good idea. He could make up a lie about why he dyed his hair, but the taste of lying to you left his tongue bitter.
“What you did for me last night – it was the first time anyone has been so caring and gentle towards me,” he offered no other explanation as your face flushed. He still avoided your gaze, opting instead to pick at the hem of his shirt.
“I’ll do it again, a thousand times over,” he looked at you, eyes widening slightly, “I’d drain every drop of blood from my body if it meant I could be helpful to you.” You admitted, reaching out to take his hand in yours.
“It’s killing me to see you in so much pain because of her. I would do anything to ease your suffering,” your voice was quiet, and the peachy color of his cheeks tinged rose. He squeezed your hand back before drawing it to his mouth to plant a soft kiss on your knuckles.
“Thank you, Doll.”
You cleared your throat and pulled your hand away, blushing at his gentle affections. “N-now I owe you what’s on my mind… But I want to -ah…” you faltered, the color in your cheeks deepening as you tried to convince yourself the best way to approach it.
Sure, you wanted to ask him about Touya. You wanted to question him about Hana. But as the events from the previous night, and all the yelling matches you’d overheard, all the venomous words she spat at him swirled in your mind, you needed him to know something else. Steeling your resolve, you moved to straddle his lap, one leg on either side of his own, so that you could look into his eyes. So that he couldn’t run away from what you were about to say.
His eyes widened further; his hands instantly found your hips. You could feel his pulse increase at your sudden advances- or maybe it was your own. Either way, he needed to hear what was on your mind. You brought your hands up to cup his face gently, and his eyes fluttered slightly at the touch. He didn’t close them, but you obviously influenced him.
Your gaze bore into his own, and he was captivated. Held still by the color of your eyes, the weight of you on top of him, the warmth of your hands on his face. It was another taste of the bliss that he so selfishly wanted to take for himself.
“I need you to know what I think,” you said again, “I need you to know how I feel about you.”
His heart raced faster, were you going to confess to him? Kiss him, finally? Give him any excuse to leave Hana and be with you?
“But first I need you to be honest with me. Please, tell me why you let her talk to you like she does. Why you let her do this to you?”
It wasn’t…elegant. And you were afraid to ask, but you wanted to tell him how you really felt, and to start that conversation you needed to know how he really felt. His hand dropped to the side, and he tilted his head back to lean against the backrest.
Shutting his eyes, he told you. He explained about the night she’d needed him, and how he couldn’t leave someone who was so desperate for his help. He told you about how it was the first time in his life he felt wanted, and he was scared to throw that away. He spilled some truths to you, not all but some, and you felt your chest tighten the more he spoke.
“If I’m being honest, I think I deserve it. The way she treats me, the things she says to me. I’m a total piece of shit and I know that” his voice thickened with this admission, a bead of blood leaking from the seam on his left cheek, “She’s right about me. I am disgusting, ugly, vile… all the things she says, she’s right and I deserve to hear them.”
He exhaled shakily, his admission ending finally, and you took a moment to process what he’d said. You forced him to look at you and saw such agony in his eyes you couldn’t contain the tears that fell from yours. His brow knitted together as he watched you, his hands finding themselves back on your hips in a futile attempt to comfort you.
Were you…crying for him?
“You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve to hear those things, not only because they’re hurtful but because they aren’t true. You don’t deserve the way she treats you, and I know it’s your way of punishing yourself. But despite it all you don’t fucking deserve this treatment.” You were shaking now, frustrated and angry, but did your best to keep your voice level and quiet.
“You want to know what I think about you?” He did. He so sorely did, but he was so afraid of hearing it from you. If you said anything remotely like what Hana did, it would destroy him.
“I think you’re beautiful,” your thumbs traced over his cheeks, wiping away the blood as he looked at you incredulously. “You’re handsome and fuck all the bad shit she says about your appearance. And not only that, but you’ve only ever been kind to me. Sure, you’ve got your demons, but we all do, we’ve all done things we regret. That doesn’t make you less of a person because of it. You still deserve to be loved and respected.
“You’re gentle, and sensitive, and you feel things deeply even though you do your best to hide behind this aloof attitude. You can’t hide from me, I see you. I see you, Touya, and you’re beautiful.”
He froze. You froze. You hadn’t meant to say his name, but you’d already taken to calling him that in your head, and it slipped out without you thinking. Fuck.
He chuckled, a low rumble in his chest, and a wide toothy smile broke out on his face. You were taken aback by his reaction, confused. You thought that he’d throw you off, that he’d shove you away and never talk to you again. But he was…smiling and laughing with such a genuine expression.
“You figured it out, Doll.” He all but beamed up at you.
“I-I” you faltered. Where do you go from here? He took both of your hands in his and drew them up to his lips to kiss your knuckles again.
“I don’t know how you figured it out, baby girl, but you’re incredible,” his joy – his unbridled joy and relief was contagious, and you giggled, blushing. You felt the overwhelming need to lean down and kiss him with all the built-up emotions you’d felt from the past few months, but you didn’t get the chance.
“GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY MAN YOU BITCH!” The sound of Hana screaming from Touya’s door nearly made you jump out of your skin. Neither of you had time to react before you were being pulled by your hair off Touya and thrown against the rail of the balcony. Hana had one hand in your hair to pull your head back harshly, and the other held a box cutter to your throat.
“Hana what the fuck!?” Touya shouted from beside you, and you shot him a look that told him to back off. You prayed he got the message, because the last thing he needed was more violence from Hana. You were thinking quickly about how to smooth this over. If she believed you seduced him, you could play it in his favor and hopefully he could escape the worst of the consequences.
Hana let out a visceral growl of anger and pulled your hair even harder. Your scalp burned at the pressure and the boxcutter pressed against your throat hard enough to draw a thin line of blood. Did she seriously not learn from last time?
“What the FUCK do you think you’re doing?” she looked between you and Touya impatiently.
“What does it look like, bitch?” You spat, smirking wildly, “I’m seducing your man. He deserves to be with someone like me over someone like you.”
“Oh, hell no, you whore, don’t you dare touch my fucking property.” She reared back with the box cutter and sliced a nasty gash across your chest. She didn’t want to kill you, or else she would have slit your throat, but she wanted to get her point across.
You weren’t one to back down so easily.
You let out a crazed laugh, channeling the pain from the laceration as it oozed blood down your front. “What’s wrong, little mouse?” you cooed, using the petname you’d heard Touya call her before, “can’t handle a little competition?”
“You are way out of your fucking league,” she reached down to slice another gash along your thigh, cutting through the material of your dress. You didn’t falter. Was she seriously cutting you up like it was going to affect you? Didn’t she see the numerous scars that marred each of your arms and legs?
You reached up to your chest with a hand, intending on doing the exact same thing as last time, but she was smarter than you gave her credit for. She pulled hard on your hair, causing you to yelp.
“This is the last fucking time I have to deal with your ass.” She said, her voice levelled out.
Suddenly you were falling. Hana pushed you off the veranda, and you barely had time to process the three-story fall before you blacked out.
 
You were vaguely aware of yelling. Vaguely aware of being carried, and a sharp pain in your side. There was a flickering of lights, and you felt so cold…
 
A steady beeping lured you out of your slumber. It irked you, and you couldn’t figure out why it was making you so annoyed. Your body hurt, you realized. Your head was pounding, your limbs felt like lead, your ribs were in agony with every breath. What happened to you?
You tried to crack your eyes open, but it wouldn’t happen, you needed to figure out where you were, what was going on, what happened with Touya…
Sleep found you soon after.
 
The same beeping forced you awake, grating on your nerves. You felt significantly better than the last time you were conscious, now able to open your eyes and get a sense of what was around you.
You were in your bed, in your room. The curtains on the sliding door to the veranda were drawn, your door was shut. As you glanced around you noticed that the space had been retrofitted into a makeshift hospital room. Being involved with the League meant that hospital visits weren’t a thing, so you had to make do.
A heartrate monitor was the source of the beeping; it also kept tabs on your oxygen and blood pressure. There was also an IV steadily giving you fluids; and you felt the existence of a catheter. You prayed they had hired an actual doctor to care for you, and that it wasn’t Shigaraki or another member trying to give proper medical care.
You struggled to push yourself up. How long had you been asleep for? Your ribs still ached, your head still hurt, and where Hana had slit open your chest and thigh burned. You tried to glance outside, but only saw darkness, so you assumed it was night. Your head swam as the memories of what had transpired returned to you.
But it was your fault, wasn’t it? You’d put yourself in his lap, you’d confirmed his identity. The memory of his lips against your knuckles sent heat flooding your face. But what happened to you was, ultimately, because of your own actions and you hoped that Touya wasn’t blaming himself.
Gingerly you pressed your ear up to the wall that separated your bedrooms; maybe he was awake? You heard nothing, no gentle breathing or anything to denote someone could be on the other side. Your heart sank as you imagined Touya running after Hana, comforting her, kissing her.
It hadn’t bothered you so much before now; what he did with her. But as your affections grew and as you knew he reciprocated them, their being together became harder and harder to stomach.
You became aware of soft, low voices speaking quietly outside your door and you pushed yourself away from the wall. The door opened and Touya as well as a man you’d never seen before entered your room. Relief washed over you, knowing that he was here and not with Hana. Not for now. His eyebrows shot up as they both realized you had awoken.
You glanced at Touya who was watching you carefully, hands shoved into his pockets and leaning against the doorframe casually.
“You have to take it easy for the next few weeks while you heal, luckily Dabi offered to aid in your recovery therefore if you need anything, you should rely on him. I’ve got other patients to tend to, though so I won’t be around often to check on you. I’ll leave some basic supplies to get you back on your feet and return in a couple of weeks to check on you.”
Your eyes were glued on Touya, who returned your gaze. His expression was unreadable, his dark hair hung heavily over his features as his head was tilted slightly downward. Had he really offered to take care of you? What would Hana think if she knew? After all, she was the one who injured you thusly.
“Do you have any questions?” The doctor asked, looking up at you and drawing your attention.
“How long should I wait before I can start working again?”
“If by working you mean fighting then you should wait at least six weeks. Your injuries aren’t necessarily severe but moving around too much will cause you a world of pain. Try to avoid it.”
You nodded. Six weeks wasn’t terrible, it could have been so much worse. “Thank you, Doctor.”
He hummed in response. “See you in a few weeks.” He made his way to leave, giving Touya an acknowledging look before exiting.
Touya took the seat beside you, then, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his head hanging low. He wore his typical villain get up with the long coat over a white shirt and stitched pants, you noticed the staples on his hands were a little worse for wear.
You sat like this in silence for a long time, neither of you quite knowing what to say. He wanted to apologize, he wanted to tell you that as soon as you were better, he’d leave you alone, therefore you didn’t have to deal with his bullshit anymore. He wanted to pull you into his arms and hold you until the hurt went away. He wanted to kiss you softly and tell you just how he felt about you in hopes that maybe you would forgive him.
He couldn’t protect you, and that thought ate him alive. Not against Hana. Not against himself.
“I could use a smoke,” you said finally, drawing Touya out of his thoughts. He looked up at you with furrowed brows and a soft smirk.
“Yeah, I’ll help you.” He stood and held his arm out for you to support yourself on. The mangled flesh was textured beneath your fingertips and surprisingly cool to the touch. Shakily you stepped out of the bed and clutched the IV pole to drag it out onto the veranda, Touya supporting you the whole way.
He gently set you down in one of the lounge chairs and tapped out a cigarette for you, using his quirk to light it and then promptly doing the same for himself. The nicotine was soothing as you inhaled deeply. You thought about asking him where Hana was, you thought about asking him so many things; but opted to sit in silence once more.
You caught him stealing glances at you more than once, which you found odd. Maybe he was just concerned about your health. Maybe he was worried you were angry or hated him…Knowing his opinion of himself it seemed to be likely.
“I’m not mad,” you say softly, staring out at the skyline. The city shimmered in the darkness, lights flickering in the night.
“Yeah, right.” He said dismissively.
“No, really. It was my fault this happened. I provoked her, I put myself in a situation I knew she would be angry at. You can’t blame yourself because I’m the one responsible. I knew the risks and I did it anyway.”
He turned his head to look at you fully, a dark expression still souring his handsome face. You gave as genuine a smile as you could muster.
“Stop blaming yourself, Touya. I’m glad you didn’t try to fight her, I’m glad you didn’t intervene because I don’t know what I would do if she hurt you because of me.”
“Fuck Hana.” He spat, “She better not show her fucking face around here again or I’ll burn her so hot and so long there won’t even be ashes left.”
His quiet anger shocked you, the words he spoke were level and calculated but you knew they were hiding immense anger and emotion. You’d began to understand this about him: that he was a very emotional person, but he hid it behind a villainous mask.
You waited for him to explain further, your heart simultaneously heavy and light. The possibility of him leaving Hana made you so happy, but the looming threat of an intense retaliation washed you with fear.
“Touya…” you started.
“No. I’m done with her. This was too far. I can take whatever she dishes out but turning that shit onto you was uncalled for and I won’t tolerate it.”
“It was my fault, though.”
“It was MY fault,” he crouched next to you to be eye level, flicking his spent cigarette out and flattening a palm gently over your thigh. Over the deep gash that was bandaged there. “I should have ended things the moment I started feeling this way about you. The moment I knew she was going to get jealous; I should have stopped things in their tracks. But you have to know something.”
You placed your hand on top of his, to which he responded by sandwiching it between his other palm. “I know she was awful, but you have to understand why I put up with it for so long.” His head dipped again as he gathered the words to tell you everything that had happened between them.
“She was the only person in the world who needed me,” he confessed, “She was the first person I felt like I could actually protect, that I could actually help, and I craved that. Being useful. Growing up, all I wanted was for my dad to notice me, to look at how hard I was working to make him happy, but I was only ever met with contempt. I felt so useless and helpless, like I would never amount to anything.
“She made me feel as if I could be something more, in my own twisted way. I helped her get out of her shitty situation, I helped her get clean, I helped her get back on her feet.
“Things didn’t get bad until recently once she started working. I don’t know what happened to cause it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to break things off. Whenever I’d try to work up the courage, I’d remember her desperate crying face, and how badly she needed me and clung to me. I’d remember how it felt to be the hero for once.”
He swallowed hard, the revelation stunning himself just as much as you. Once the words started pouring, they didn’t stop.
“But involving you in her abuse was the last straw. You don’t deserve to be treated like that; you don’t deserve to be led on by someone like me who’s too much of a coward to stick up for himself. Truthfully, after the first fight you’d gotten into, I was already planning on ending it, but she hadn’t tried to contact me since.
“After she pushed you, I almost lost my control. I wanted to kill her, and I had the mind to do so. I guess she was lucky Kurogiri had heard the yelling between you and was quick to act because the only thing on my mind was getting revenge.
“He told her not to come back, and that she was lucky to leave with her life and her body intact. Beyond my feelings about you, she attacked one of our own and we don’t tolerate that in the League. We may be a ragtag group of ruffians, but we look out for each other. What she did was unacceptable.”
As he finished his confession, you reached out with your other hand to cup his cheek, he was trembling slightly, you could see it in the way the tips of his hair quivered slightly.
“You’re beautiful, Touya.” You said, repeating the words that landed you in this situation. You watched as his eyes widened, then closed as he leaned into your touch. He looked like he wanted to cry.
“I don’t deserve this.”
“You deserve so much more.”
“I am worried,” he changed the subject, “Hana isn’t one to just drop things and leave them like this. I know she’ll be back to get her licks in, I just don’t know when or what she’s planning.”
You rubbed the peachy flesh of his cheek soothingly and his grip on your other hand tightened at the sensation. He was so unused to being comforted, to someone being so tender with him. It made him want to reach out and draw you in and never let you go. He refrained, self-control, remember?
He would be lying if he said he wasn’t anxious for what was going to happen next. Despite everything with Hana, he knew he wanted to be with you. But how could he approach it tactfully? Should he even approach it at all? Or should he just be grateful you weren’t angry with him?
That hero feeling he’d admitted to earlier was one he felt around you, too. You made him want to be better, if only for the sake of giving you more and making you happy. If he could do anything to see that smile, to hear that laugh, he would. Without hesitation. He wanted to be there for you, to protect you and care for you and kiss the pain away.
That emotion towards you dwarfed everything he’d felt for Hana. He knew he was in too deep now, and he relished in the thought of being with you. If you’d have him.
It was so fucking selfish, and he knew that. Wanting you like this, but he couldn’t help it. He found himself only desperate for two things in this world: revenge on his father, and you.
“We’ll deal with it when it happens,” you said, breaking him away from his thoughts. When he looked up at you, it made your heart skip a beat. There was … something unreadable in his eyes.
No, you knew what that expression was, but you’d never seen it on his face, or directed at you. You needed to kiss him, and you needed to kiss him now. And with Hana out of the picture, finally, you gave into your urges.
Leaning towards him, you titled his face up to yours with the hand that still cupped his cheek. You closed your eyes along with the distance, and you couldn’t see his expression, but you felt his sharp inhale when you gently pressed your lips to his.
His bottom lip was rougher, more textured than his top lip and the feeling was surprisingly pleasant. They were soft, despite it, and you wanted to deepen the kiss but withheld. You should be happy with just this, you told yourself. It was impulsive and probably stupid and too soon, but you’d wanted to kiss him so fucking bad, and Hana was the only thing holding you back.
Despite that, you wanted the comfort of his touch after your ordeal, and you thought he could benefit from knowing you felt similarly. That you really weren’t angry or upset with him.
What he really needed, you knew from your own domestic violence situation, was time to process and heal. He didn’t need feelings for you complicated his recovery process, and you felt guilty as you pulled away. This was too much too soon.
But gods, the way he was looking at you was too much. Desperate, needy, his breath slightly labored. Fuck it was a cute look on him. He wanted to kiss you again, he knew that much.
It was everything he needed and wanted in that moment. It was a comfort, and an affirmation. It was a gentle touch despite a lifetime of abuse, and he knew you were genuine. His heart pounded against his ribs and his hands were shaking; he didn’t care. He wanted to lose himself in you, in your touches and kisses.
“Touya,” you breathed softly, “I think I need to rest, now.”
“Yeah, I’ll help you.”
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class1akids · 3 years
Text
BNHA 299 - Thoughts
Well, we get Baby Keigo’s backstory, straight out of a Dickens novel, it turns out that Plushie!Endeavor was actually the most highly-functioning parental figure Hawks ever had, the Nomu!Jeanist theory is kinda confirmed - let’s go!!!!
So Hawks’ backstory is definitely in the finalist category of most miserable childhoods, as he’s born into abject poverty, to a cruel, criminal father, an alcoholic mother as an unwanted bastard child. 
Look at him trying to patch up the dirty shack they live in, only to get kicked by his father, for turning his back. 
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It looks like his dad’s quirk is wings and his mom’s quirk are her floaty eyeballs that she can use to spy. So Keigo, this unwanted accident hit the genetic jackpot with his quirk of wings where each feather can be used and controlled individually, making him really versatile. 
For now though, his wings seem to do nothing but infuriate his abusive asshole dad, whose probably worried that a winged kid could lead the authorities to him. So he’s forbidden from leaving the house, even though it seems that his feathers allow him to sense danger.  Oh, wait, perfect mentor for Deku’s new quirk!!!
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So his only companion is the little Endeavor plushie we saw all the way back at the pro-hero arc. 
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 anyways, his life turns around when his dad is arrested by Endeavor and heroes become real for Hawks.  And I love how in these panels it seems like the plushie really comes alive. Heroes exist. Hawks’ own doll becomes more than just a comfort object - it’s the representation of being saved and helping others. 
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It’s so interesting how this stands in contrast to Shigaraki’s story - for whom heroes don’t exist, because he never evidenced them in his life, or Touya’s story, who doesn’t believe in heroes because the one in his house was a literal monster.
So suck it, Stain. The moral character of the hero is not the only factor - the real impact they make in someone’s life cannot be understated. 
So the cage is broken, but not fully yet, because Hawks’ mom Tomie decides to run and they end up homeless on a train station though I think they are only there for one day. Tomie sends Hawks out to steal in not quite so many words, and the life he was about to escape him threatens to swallow him whole. He really was set up for the villain path. 
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 Still Hawks escaped his destiny when the HC offered to basically buy him from his mother (Ma’am, we’d like to put your talented kid into a secret spy/assassin training program, where we’ll train him brutally. You’ll get a house and money. OK? - OK, said Tomie). 
So back in present time, Hawks wakes up and we see him driving with Best Jeanist (wow, he has a very flashy ride...) and he has the signature Todoroki face-bandages, just in case anyone doubted which plotline he belongs to. He’s also wears some kind of nuzzle, but noone can silence him as he taps away incredibly fast. 
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I hope this is a text-to-audio program and BJ is not text-reading and driving, because that would be a big no-no. Seriously, peeps, don’t text and drive. PSA over. 
OK, so we get a stupid explanation about BJ being turned into a nomu and being kind of dead in the bag. And holy shit, 1 the hero side has nomu technology - like how and 2 that sounds like a really dumb plan. What if Dabi decided to cremate BJ instead of putting him into storage? 
Anyway, villains on the rampage, Jeanist catches them with minimum effort and we get a glimpse of what’s happening in the real world: the mom’ and pop’ hero agencies are already closing down (seriously, they could not withstand like 3 days of criticism???) and at least half of the population is hating on heroes, and are ready to take things into their own prosthetic limbs. 
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So it turns out BJ and Hawks were driving to Hawks’ mom’s house to confirm that the Takami thief - Hawks connection was leaked by her. And it was. She even leaves a letter to say sorry and explain that Dabi sent thugs onto her and she basically folded immediately and sold out her son. What a sweet parent she is. (That’s rough, buddy.)
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And it’s so heartbreaking that Hawks thinks that’s what he deserves anyway - no, baby, you don’t. And I’m not sure he’s really talking about saving here, or talking about how his idea of saving was faulty, because how can you save someone that feels like you turned your back on. Hawks broke away alone. He was forced to leave his past behind and maybe this is why Twice felt like he was talked down to. 
But Hawks being a silver lining kind of guy sees an opportunity here to finally be completely free. Free of his parents. Free of the hero commission. 
In a big Todoroki-like dramatic moment he takes off his nuzzle and we get a flashback. 
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The Origin story of Plushie!Endeavor and an acknowledgement that Tomie maybe wasn’t all bad. That even as wretched as she was, she tried to do one thing right for Hawks - by giving him an ideal to work towards. 
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And I love that Endeavor is so cheap he’s in the sale bin at 1/6th of the price of an All Might doll. But it’s also a social commentary on hero society, where kids in most need of a hero are priced out of getting the Symbol of Peace. 
Being free to be finally both Keigo (who understands these downtrodden people because he’s one of them) and Hawks (who could soar and break away from that life), he finds the inspiration in these broken people. His mom. Endeavor. Twice. OK, let’s stop and contemplate here for a moment that Twice who created Re-Destro clone, who killed HPSC President freed Hawks from their clutches.
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He remembers this purest feeling of wanting to help, of wanting to belong. And we see Hawks’ own origin. That moment he saves people in a car accident that opens the hero world to him. 
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First order of business is Endeavor - who was Hawks’ hero and who is in trouble now. And I’m sure everyone is going to be watching Hawks' reaction to the Dabi broadcast, because if rankings still mean anything, he’s No. 2. and heir to the throne. 
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But for now, it seems he wants to support Endeavor. Because being helpful is the value he wants to live by. 
Also, screw the Icarus parallels, Hawks is fucking Phoenix and he’ll soar again. 
And look at this literal baby and his grumpy little plushie. It was an amazing backstory and I loved every frame of it. 
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toomanyrobins · 3 years
Text
a little birdie told me pt. 11
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Summary: Y/N “Birdie” Parker left New York and her family three years ago in the middle of the night. Now, a call for help to her best friend brings her back into the fold of the Three Families and their “business”
Pairing: Steve Rogers x Parker!Reader
Content warning: physical abuse, miscarriage, cursing, mentions of forced marriage, sex, mentions of alcohol and inebriation
Word Count: 2.3k
Notes: Steve is a bit of stubborn idiot in this, but so is Birdie. Next part we will learn more about Steve and his past. Enjoy! 💛
Series masterlist // next part
Y/N stood outside the door of the round table room of the Ivory. Dread coursed through her as she waited to speak to Tony. Desperation was driving her and Y/N knew that if she stopped moving even for a moment, she would break. All she had to do was sign her name on the contract and then she could breakdown. Finally, the door opened and she was surprised to see that there was a group of people waiting for her inside. George sat at the head of the table with Tony and Pepper to his left, Barney on his right and Bucky and Steve filled out the remaining chairs. Everyone turned to look at her when she walked in. Y/N took a deep breath. This lie needed to be sold or she was in trouble, “I need to apologize for my behavior yesterday. The shock of it all hit and I didn’t handle it well. I took yesterday to calm down and think about it. I’ve decided that this union is a good idea. That is, if Steve is still willing.” She turned to Tony, “Dad, as much as it pains me to admit, you were right. He is a good man. I’ve been known as an irresponsible girl whose head is in the clouds. I need to prove that I’ve matured and this could be a step in the right direction.”  No one spoke as Pepper scoffed and glared at Tony as she left the room, the door slamming on her way out. 
Steve stood up and grabbed Y/N by the arm, she winced as he hit exactly where Brock had grabbed her the day before, “We need to talk.” He pulled her out of the room, “You’ve been avoiding me for three days. We slept together and the next morning you ran out of that hotel room without a word. Yesterday, you announced in front of multiple people that there was no chance in hell that you would ever marry me. What the hell is going on, Birdie?”
Her nails dug into her palm, “It’s like I said. I took the day and thought it over. I’m not leaving again, Steve… I can’t. This marriage has been in the works since I was 17 and it’s a way to show that I’m not little Birdie Stark anymore. I’m not the problem child that you got saddled with as punishment. Clearly, you want it or you wouldn’t have agreed the second time and I think I could be happier with you than anyway else I’ve ever met. So, please, don’t give up on me now… Please.” 
Steve looked down at Y/N. He could see the mistiness in her eyes, but he could also see that she was being genuine. He just nodded and they went back into the office. No one spoke as they both signed the contract that had been drawn up. Before the ink had dried, Tony was pulling out a celebratory drink. When Steve turned to hand one to his new fiancee, he realized she had left the room. He put the glasses down and went to look for her. He found her outside talking to Pepper and decided not to intrude.
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As soon as everyone’s attention was taken, Y/N had gone after Pepper. She found her outside the building and called to her. “Mom, I’m sorry.”
Pepper held up a hand to stop her, “Don’t you dare apologize. It’s your father that is to blame for this. None of this would have happened if he hadn’t interfered. You wouldn’t have left the first time and you wouldn’t feel the need to prove yourself by marrying someone you don’t want to.”
“Oh, Mom… you can’t just blame Dad for all of that. There were so many other reasons I left.” The image of Brock leaning against the car haunted her. “Yes, he was part of it, but not all of it. I’m not just marrying Steve to prove myself. I know you imagined us finding our soulmates like you did with Dad. But, I don’t believe in the One. I believe that Steve and I can make each other happy and I’ve been stuck in a rut for a really long time. He and Jamie make me happy in a way I haven’t been in years. It’s not a great love story, but it’s a good future. One that lets me keep all of you with me and that’s all I want.”
Pepper reached up to cup Y/N’s face, “I just don’t want you to sacrifice because you think you deserve less.”
“Mom, it’s too late for regrets and all I want is to know I have your support, because I can not plan a wedding.” Pepper laughed at that and Y/N knew she managed to distract her mother from her anger. “Don’t be mad at Dad for too long. For all of his stupid mistakes, he really is doing what he thinks is best.”
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The weeks following the contract being signed was exhausting. They had immediately started plans. This wedding was happening quickly, before Becca and Sam’s wedding could even happen. Planning this wedding was a nightmare for Y/N. The planner was the most odious person she’d ever had the misfortune of meeting. The woman’s hand had stayed on Steve’s arm the entire first meeting and cemented her as persona non grata in Y/N’s mind. 
Pepper had invited her for a meeting at the Ivory They sat at one of the tables in the solarium. “So color scheme for the wedding?”
“Lime green and orange.”
Y/N heard Pepper sigh next to her, “Jewel tones: burgundy, emerald, navy blue.”
“Lovely,” the wedding planner simpered, “Do you have a date in mind?”
“March is the hope, but we don’t have a specific date in mind.”
“Well we can look at a few locations and see if their availability will help narrow that down. Unless, you have a place in mind?”
“No, this wedding is a blank slate.” 
Y/N was zoned out, as her mother planned the wedding. Finally, she couldn’t stand it any longer and pushed her chair back, “I forgot I told Steve that I would stop into his office. Mom, you know what I like.” She escaped from the table and hurried up to his office. She threw the doors open, “Can we elope?”
Steve’s eyes didn’t even leave the document he was reading. This was not the first time they’d had a similar discussion, “Sweetheart, I’ve told you before. No.”
“Please,” Y/N slinked over and perched herself on the corner of his desk, “The wedding planner is the worst!”
He sighed and put the papers he was reading down. He looked up her, amusement shining in his eyes, “Are you sure you’re not jealous?”
She gasped in outrage, “Jealous! Why would I be jealous?”
“Because she kept touching my arm when we first met her and I thought you were going to rip her hand off.” She hated that he had caught that moment of weakness. They had kissed a few times since signing the contract, but they hadn’t slept together since the party. He gave her a quick kiss, “I kind of liked that you were jealous.”
Y/N pouted, her bottom lip sticking out, “I want a divorce.”
“Need to be a good girl and marry me first.” She whimpered and finally Steve shoved aside his work, giving her his whole attention, “You know for someone who is as bad at following rules as you are, calling you a good girl really seems to do something to you.”
Y/N hopped off his desk trying to put some distance between them, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh really? So when I said that to you, I didn’t see you get all flustered? Just like you are right now?” Steve stood up and moved behind her. He wrapped one arm around her waist and kissed along her bare neck, watching as goosebumps blossomed. He smirked and leaned close to her ear and dropped his voice, so that it was thick like honey, “You don’t want to be a good girl for me, Birdie?”
Y/N whimpered softly and a shiver ran down her spine as his voice rolled over her. She felt his lips brush along her neck and the ability to think was gone. 
“I – I,” She dropped her head back, giving Steve unlimited access to her, “Oh, I can’t think when you do that.”
“Let’s make a deal, sweetheart. You give me some answers and I promise I’ll make it worth your while.
“Okay, but I can't guarantee you’ll like the answers I have to give.
He smirked at her defiance, “Were you jealous?”
“Yes.”
“Were you telling me the truth about that dinner I made two nights ago? Was it good?”
She snickered, “No, it was awful. I’ll cook from now on.”
Steve decided to try and see if he could get some answers to questions that plagued him. He switched his tune and spun her around so that she was standing between his thighs, “What happened to make you run from the hotel?”
Y/N played with the buttons on his shirt, avoiding his gaze, “Becca called me Jamie’s mom and it freaked me out. I don’t know if I can be a good parent and I don’t want to replace his mother. I know that she’s dead, but still.”
“First of all, you are an amazing mother to Jamie. Take it from someone who actually had no experience with kids, you are miles ahead of where I was. You love him and care for him and I trust you completely with him.” Y/N kissed Steve, her hand curling into his hair. They separated, but he kept on hand on her back, “One more question. Where were you for the last three years?”
She stiffened and he watched her mask fall into place, “I told you. I went to a lot of places. 
“What happened to you? The full story.”
Y/N shrugged him off and stepped away from him, “Rogers, don’t do this.”
“You need to talk to someone.”
“I have, just not the people who continue to push me and piss me off.”
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “You deserve to be happy, Birdie.
“I am happy…Look, I can’t keep spending my life sad because some shit has happened in my past. I want to enjoy the life I have. Spend my days with my family, and be there for you and Jamie. I don’t want to be sad and broken.
You’re not sad or broken,” Steve tucked her hair behind her ear, “But there's a difference between moving on and avoiding.”
“I’m not avoiding shit. I’ve always told the truth about what’s happened to me.”
Steve stared at her incredulously, “The whole truth?” Y/N stiffened and nodded at him. If her eyes could kill, he would died a hundred times over. “The whole entire truth? You’re not hiding something deep down?”
“I’ve told everyone everything they need to know about where I’ve been and about my ex.
Steve chuckled humorlessly and started walking towards Y/N, “You’re so careful, you know?”
Her stomach was is knots, “Careful?”
“Yes. You never say his name. Only ‘my boyfriend’ or ‘my ex.’ This anticipation is killing me. Why are you protecting him even after all this time?”
“I’m not protecting him. Maybe I just don’t want all the possessive guys around me to get even worse. Maybe... just maybe, it’s not your business.”
Steve groaned at her stubbornness and kissed along her neck, turning her legs to jelly. “Come on, be a good girl. You’re going to be my wife. Just give me a name, Birdie.”
Y/N knew his game and it still took all of her strength to pull away, “Oh no. You’re not using that against me.”
“Sweetheart, I am trying to get you to open up to me. Getting you to share is like Bucky and Sam trying to have an intelligent conversation. You’ve got so many walls up and every time I think I’ve broken one down, two more are put up. I'm just trying to understand you.”
She shoved his chest, “If you want to understand, just be there. Make me believe you’re worth it. Don’t seduce me into getting your way. Help me understand that you won’t leave when it gets tough. 
“What, like you did?” Y/N reeled back when Steve said that.
“I’m trying to make up for that.”
“Then tell me what is going on with you.”
She opened her mouth, but no words came out. Her mind was swirling, “No, Steve! No! You don’t get to guilt me into this. This is not fair to me. Will you do this every time I don’t act how you want? Is my leaving some ploy you’ll use to get what you want? That’s not the actions of someone I want to share with. I want to tell you everything because I trust you to understand and not because I think it’ll make you forgive me faster… I—I need to go.”
“Birdie…”
“I need space from all of this. Get my head on straight. I’ll see you later.” Y/N was out the door, before he could stop her. 
Her phone was vibrating like crazy and she finally looked at it. Messages from an unknown number had filled the screen:
I meant what I said when you’re all mine.
You belong to me and to HYDRA.
Maybe the Families will get some anonymous intel on where you’ve been
Can Steve Rogers really give you all I did?
Do you cry his name out like you did mine?
What will Daddy Stark say about his little whore of a daughter?
Are you so stupid that you think marrying Rogers will protect you?
What Y/N didn’t know was that George was tracking her phone and was seeing every message she got. It didn’t take long for him to get the information he needed. Brock Rumlow: the reason Y/N Parker-Stark was broken. HYDRA had gotten closer and done more damage than anyone else knew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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kornito · 3 years
Text
SOURCE: https://korngiant.tripod.com/kornisgoodforu/id10.html
Dead
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
All I want in life is to be happy", it's that simple. People say that it's become their own anthem. It's like whenever I start to feel good, something comes and takes it away and I feel like I'm nothing again, like I'm dead.
Falling Away From Me
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
The song is about domestic abuse and that there ways to get help whether it's telling someone or calling a help line, there are ways to get out of those situations. Noone has to be treated like that.
Trash
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
"Trash" is about how I threw my world and everything out. I threw her away. I threw my old self away. It basically comes back down to the sex thing. The battles I did on the road, this whole album is what I went through because I was on the road and I went crazy.
Beg for Me
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
"Beg For Me" is more of an angry thing because the whole thing for "Beg For Me" is the crowd. The only time I was good on tour was when I walked up onstage and that's what the song is about. Feeling wanted is something one thing I've always needed. I was shuffled around so much when I was a kid...Being up onstage was the only point was the only time when my anxiety would go away for an hour.
Make Me Bad
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
I need to feel the sickness in you" ... It's spawned from f**kin', basically, from having sex. That's where that line comes from, but it means a whole bunch of things to me. "Make Me Bad" was about the battles I had being on the road, being married and being with other women. I'm not married anymore... beause of my lifestlyle, and I just couldnt do that to my wife anymore. So that ended. But does it make me bad that I have a dick and I have f**ken other feelings to be with other people? Why should I be with just one? It seems like human beings are genetically engineered to procreate. Thats what we do, f**k everything, and that's what our natural insides want to do. It is hard to find someone like that. But she was a good woman and I didnt want to keep on... I did the right thing, I was a man about it. It was better for me to tell her and let her go on with her life and find someone who could help her and be like that. So that song was spawned by that, does it make me bad to want to be with other women? In a sence it was my only drug, why... because I dont drink anymore, I cant drink. I've been sober for a year. I dont have any other vices. So at least doing that could be something.
Hey Daddy
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
"Hey Daddy" where I was schizophrenic and there were these voices telling me to do sh*t... To kill myself, basically. Daddy is one of my nicknames, so its like I'm talking to myself the whole time. It's hard to explain.
Dirty
Song Meaning: Jonathan
"I feel like a fucking whore to record companies." "You know how it is...the way we are used and marketed." "How they make all the money off us and we don't make shit!" "The only way we make money is to go out on tour and sell merchandise" "Basiclly we write all the music and turn in and they make all the money." "So I feel like that and also I feel like a slut cuz I'd go out at night and fucking girls and so I said fuck it, I'm going to do it. The only way to escape is to have sex." "Its all kind of different issues."
Its On!
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
It's On is my sh*t peer pressure song. Me being so stressed out going out and partying. Everybody's just going 'Come on dude, it's on.' That's partying, it's alcohol, cocaine, women. All that wrapped into one. I wrote a song about it. And the chorus I talked about Why am I really doing this? It's all my fault that I'm doing this because all the alcohol, the booze an the chicks do is just make it worse. They just rearrange all the problems in a different order that I can deal with at that moment.
Freak on a Leash
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
One of the best titles I've heard ever for a song. That's my song against the music industry. Like me feeling like I'm f**kin' a pimp, a prostitute. Like I'm paraded around. I'm this freak paraded around but I got corporate America f**kin' making all the money while it's taking a part of me. It's like they stole something from me, they stole my innocence and I'm not calm anymore. I worry constantly.
Got the Life
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
That's a song baggin' on myself. How everything's always handed to me. How I look up to God and don't want this anymore. Like I want something more out of life than all this. And I've got everything I really need but I sometimes don't like. I don't know how to explain it. I have to let it sit through the songs more to actually get into what I write. I truly know, really, the meanings of the songs almost. That's what I'm getting out of it right now.
Dead Bodies Everywhere
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
That was the song about my parents trying to keep me out of the music business. My father was in it and he knew how it was and I totally understand now that I have a son. I want Nathan to be a musician but I him don't want him to go through the hell I went through. That's the same thing my Dad was doing. A lot of people can relate to it, because it's like the Dad's wanting their sons to be football players and their sons want to be doctors or something. That peer pressure its like trying to make them something they're really not. And the Dead Bodies thing is like so I did it and all I got out of it was dead bodies everywhere and got all traumatized. Thanks a lot Dad, Mom.
Children of the Korn
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
That's the song that Ice Cube is on Cube came up with the title. I fed off of what he wrote, he was talking about growing up and puberty. Dictating what he can do, like how you gonna tell me how to live and who to f**k? And all this stuff. And I took that and in my stuff I was talking about being a kid always known as the f**kin' town faggot. It's funny how things change. That some of these people picked on me and all of a sudden look who's laughing now. Also in another of the verse I talked about all these parents f**kin hating me for what I do, saying I'm corrupting their children, but in turn these parents need to step outside of themselves and really listen to what I'm talking about. Then I think they can understand that they were kids before. They're just really quick to judge me. All the Children of The Korn are all our Korn fans. All those kids going through that sh*t and feeling what I feel.
B.B.K.
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
Big black cock! That's what I call a jack and coke. Those little glasses they serve in Europe and everything. That's what I named it, big black cock. And that's another song about me dealing with the pressures of this album and how I, you know, I'm trying to kill myself, but you know? Do I really want to kill myself? Things I'm just questioning myself. Most of this is self-structured.
Pretty
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
It's a story about this little girl that came into the coroner's office when I was working there and she was f**ked by her dad. She was an 11 month old little baby girl. Her legs were broken back behind her and he just f**ked her like a toy doll and chucked her in the bathroom. It was the most heinous thing I've ever seen in my life and I still have nightmares about it.
All in the Family
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
Fred was there after Korn TV and we said, 'Let's do a song together, Hey, man, let's go back and forth and rip on each other like an old school battle.' I don't know who's idea it was, I can't remember if it was mine or Fieldy's or Fred's but we came up with the idea and we started writing and we worked on it together. I came up with some bags on myself for Fred to say. It was all in good natured fun.
Reclaim My Place
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
This one is about the whole band and about all my life being called a homosexual. And then I became this big rock star in a band and I'm still called a fag even by my own band. So it's like I was f**kin' pissed off at them. It's like erase them all because I'm gonna reclaim my place and say hey, they owe a lot to me for what I did, and I owe a lot to them back. But, it still kinda sucks. I've never ever gotten away from that fag f**kin' title. Just because I'm a sensitive kinda guy. Kinda feminine it really sucks.
Justin
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
Justin, that was the kid dying terminally with intestinal cancer. His last dying wish was to meet us and it really freaked me out. That threw a whole bunch of new kind of pressures on my head. That's really intense. Someone's gonna die and his last thing he wants to do is come hang out with us. So I truly just freaked out. It's like why would you want to meet me? What makes me so special? And in turn I talk about how I admire his strength and his life. I couldn't stare at him because he was so content he was gonna die. No one could look him in the eyes. And I totally admire his strength. I wish I had it.
Seed
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
Seed. That's all about the same thing again. I laying in bed in my hotel room, thinking about do I really need all this stuff? All this pressure on me? Because I'm a stressed out freak. It's about Nathan, it's about every time that I look into his eyes, I see myself how I used to be, innocent and stress free. I'm kind of jealous of it. It really sucks, I used to be that way. It's like I have to work so hard at this thing in my life. I have to become a stressed out freak. I put food on the table for my child. Every time I look in his eyes, I just see myself staring right back at my @ss laughing. I was like care free, innocent as a child. It's really weird and I'm really jealous of it.
Cameltosis
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
That's a love song. It's about women in general, women who hurt me. It's Tre's lyrics. He's going on about chicks and my chorus is like I'm so scared to love anyone and really let them in after I got hurt really really bad by a girl. I've let Renee in a little bit, to be honest, but I'll never be that in love ever again. That's what I'm saying, if you've loved twice, you're gonna get f**ked, 'cause you usually do.
My Gift to You
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
Renee always wanted me to write her a love song and that's why I called it My Gift To You. It's my gift to her, you know how I get sick. I always had a fantasy of f**king her and choking her to death. I fantasize about what it would look like me in her body and watching me do it. So it's like a really sick f**ked up song. I did it totally like, I love her so much, I want to take her out of this world. It's really strange. She used to leave notes on my pillow like 25 ways she'd like to kill me. She's got this weird death fetish. We're kinda f**kin' freaky. She got it. She's all 'Thank you that's kinda f**ked up. I was expecting a f**kin' I love you, baby kinda song.' I'm all, 'No, you know me.' I mean I can't do that.
Chi
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
Chi is about a lot of alcohol and drug abuse. People turn to that when they have problems so that they won't have to feel their pain. The song was named after Chi Cheng from the Deftones. We named it after him because he used to call it reggae, and he loves reggae music.
Lost
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
It's the sterotypical thing about your best friend meeting a chick, and then you're nothing
Swallow
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
That's about being paranoid. Drug-induced paranoia.
Good God
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
It's about a guy I knew in school who I thought was a my friend, but who f**ked me. He came into my life with nothing, hung out at my house, lived off me, and made me do sh*t I didn't really wanna do." "I was into new romantic music and he was a mod, and he'd tell me if I didn't dress like a mod he wouldn't be my friend anymore."
"Whenever I had plans to go on a date with a chick he'd sabotage it, because he didn't have a date or nothing. He was a gutless f**king nothing. I haven't talked to him for years.
Mr. Rogers
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
Back in the day when I was a speed freak, um... even further back when I was a little kid watchin' Mr. Rogers, that sh*t was scary. He was a freaky old man... Land of Makebelieve and Mr. f**kinMcFeely and sh*t... made me sick. So back when I was doing speed, like for 5 or 6 days I'd be trippin out and my brain would start to get freaky and get schizophrenic and stuff, and I'd tape it and watch it everyday over and over... I don't know, I was sick in the head. As a kid he told me to be polite and all it did was get me picked on. I f**king hate that man. Thanks for making me polite and trusting everyone, and easy to take advantage of. So I spent 3 months on that one song, just tweakin' on it, and it was totally just my Mr. Rogers obsession, about how evil I thought he was. Pretty much drug induced.
K @ # Ø % (Kunt)
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
People think it's sexist but it isn't. It's more subconcious b*tching at all the women who've been with me in my life. It's not about women in feneral, just those women who hurt me." "Initially, we wrote it to send to American radio for a joke, because they always chop up all the other songs. So we were going to send a 'real' single seven days later."
A.D.I.D.A.S.
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
It stands for all day I dream about sex. It's about how much of a pervert my ass is, and how I daydream about what a stud I am. But when it comes down to it, I'm a f**king pussy and I'm in there jacking off.
a** Itch
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
That was the last song I wrote, and I was so burned at writing out lyrics because everytime I write I get depressed because I start thinking about things, you know? So the whole song is about that. In the chorus it says, 'Before day, my sun will be dying'. It's because I put myself on the line all the time and for what? Because people aren't going to be listening to it anyway.
Kill You
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
It's about a relative I first met when I was 12. I f**king hate that b*tch. She's the most evil, f**ked up person I've met in my whole life. She hated my guts. She did everything she could to make my life hell. Like, when I was sick she'd feed me tea with Tabasco, which is really hot pepper oil. She'd make me drink it and say, 'You have to burn that cold out, boy'. f**ked up sh*t like that. So every night when I'd go to sleep, I'd dream of killing that b*tch. In some sick way I had a sexual fantasy about her, and I don't know what that stems from or why, but I always dreamt about f**king her and killing her
Ball Tongue
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
The meaning of ball tongue is simple. Some thought it had to do with oral sex, but in fact its about a guy we had to work with on a t-shirt (Jeff Creath). He either had a pierced tongue or a wart or something on his tongue and he was a dick to us.
Different live: Jonathan goes into a Rap (by Coolio) Called "Loddi Doddi" in the middle of the song.
Clown
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
Korn was playing a show in San Diego for a clothing card. This skinhead guy came up and started flippin' me off. When we started, I bent down and the guy took a swing at me. Our tour manager, Jeff, got into it and knocked the guy out. I wrote this song about him: 'Scared to be honest with yourself/you're a cowardly man.
Faget
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
Everyone thinks I'm bashing gay people in this song, and I'm not. It's really about me going through high school being called 'pussy,' 'queer' and all that stuff, about getting picked on by all these jocks.
Shoots and Ladders
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
It was written because all these little kids sing these nursery rhymes and they don't know what they originally meant. Everyone is so happy when singing but 'London Bridge' is about the Black Plague. All of them have these evil stories behind them." "The lyrics are all from nursery rhymes, and a lot of nursery rhymes go back to the Middle Ages. They're actually pretty twisted if you know the stories behind them, like about Black Death and stuff.
Helmet in the Bush
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
It's about a speed problem that I had. You know, you do a lot of speed and -- if you're a male -- your penis retracts severly. The guy heard at the beginning of the song is La Caco, a friend of the band. His real name is Michael and likes taco bell. He's a really Nice Guy and he has been friends with the band for years
Daddy
Song Meaning, Jonathan:
People think daddy' was writen because my dad f**ked me up the ass,thats not what the song's about. It wasn't about my dad or my mum. When I was a kid I was being abused by someone else and I went to my parents and told them about it. and they thought I was lying and joking around, they never did sh*t about it. They didn't belive it was happening to their son. I don't like to talk about that song, this is the most I've ever talked about it...
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“I didn’t expect a good ending, all I wanted was a ending. “ ~Leon Kuwata x Reader~ !Angst!
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Hello everyone, Mod Taka here. I promise I’m still alive, I just don’t have a lot of time to write. But anywho, here something that made me cry while I was writing it.
-Trigger Warnings- Cursing, Degradation, Suicidal thoughts, Death, Daddy issues, Parental Abuse (father), Loss of Father, PTSD, Alcoholism, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Described Blood, Flashbacks, Verbal Abuse, Physical Abuse, Fatal Car Crash, Implied absent mother
     Leon faced up against his father, a red glow in his eyes. Letting anger out during baseball just hadn’t been enough lately, and he had gotten into a fight with another kid today. Look where he ended himself up at, in the burning gaze of the man who makes his life a living hell. He was just like Leon at his age, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Leon hated what he had become, but he wasn’t left with much of a choice. Leon barely flinched when his father’s clenched fist met his face, much to used to the pain of it all. However, this time Leon fought back at him, bitch slapping him across the face. He could see the new found rage swelling up in his dad’s expression, and it didn’t take long for it to come bursting through. 
     He cursed himself as he felt his shirt collar being lifted up off the ground, taking him with it. Before he had time to react, a hand was wrapped around his throat. His head started to spin as the grip became harsher, clawing his nails at his fathers hands. Screaming silent cries for help that came out as short, ragged breaths. He felt himself slowly losing consciousness, as his esophagus started to collapse. Like his father could see the exact moment before it was too late, his hand was withdrawn. As soon as he was let go, he fell to the ground, his knees roughly hitting the ground. Gasping for air, he looked up at him. “How fucking dare you hit me! I fucking raised you and this is how you repay me?! You should respect me, this is exactly why Marisa left! It was all your fault, it always has been.” His father said with a harsh tone, the scent of the alcohol lacing his words with an even worse poison. He roughly grabbed Leon’s jaw, pulling him eye to eye, ”You were a fucking mistake.” Leon hit the ground as he was once again let go of, but the next time he looked up, his father was gone. 
     A tightening of his throat and a short intake of breathe broke his façade. The all-to-familiar grief engulfed him as he was taking on another heartbreak. Gut-wrenching sobs tore through his chest as he covered his face with his hands. He felt the sudden urge to collapse in and on himself, as the human sounds of suffering escaped his lips. Oh, what the situation he had gotten himself into now. Laying on his living room floor, his dad no where to be seen, crying. He rocked himself as his hands wiped the tears away from his eyes every few seconds, causing them to get red and swollen. The thoughts started to worsen as time passed, still alone with his own mind as his own little form of torture. 
     “Is it really are worth it?” he asked himself, fighting back against his own thoughts but all efforts ending in vain. 
“It would be easier of you were dead.”
“The days would be brighter without you in them.”
“Is suffering this much worth the beauty of living?”
“Maybe your dad is right about what he says.”
“Everyone and his life would be better without you.”
“Maybe- no. He is right.”
   Leon got up on shaky legs, the exhalation of his emotions still clouding his vision. He collapsed onto his bed, the thoughts of things he didn’t want to think about finally being drowned out by nothingness. He passed out moments later, letting the numb feeling consume him.
     Luckily, it was a Saturday and he didn’t have to go to school. He groggily got up from his bed, finally getting his shit together. He walked through the house, scared but also relieved at his father’s absence. The high pitched ringing pf his phone blared through his ears, and he picked it up and answered it. “Hello?”
“Is this Leon Kuwata?”
“Yes...?”
“Your father got into a accident last night, we need you to come to the scene. 
~Time skip brought to you by Hina’s doughnut addiction~
     He got there in enough time to see his father’s bleeding body being pulled from his car. He opened and got out of the car so fast he tripped on the door itself. Getting to the car, the seen the trail of crimson along the dash and splattered along the seats. There were empty beer bottles scattered periodically in the floorboards. Oh. He turned his attention back to his father, who was now being put into the ambulance. He hopped into it, starting to feel the grief swelling up in his chest. He sat next to his father, taking in the sight of him. Blood was staining his plaid shirt, and there was dried blood along his head and neck. But he was still alive. 
     That was until they got to the hospital, and Leon got the pleasure of hearing the monitor bleep to signify the flatlining of his dad’s heart. He watched the life drain out of his eyes as doctors poured into the room. Leon was pushed out , and left staring at them through the door window as his dad was attempting to be brought back to life. After moments of terror, it only got worse. Every second added to the heart break as the doctors pronounced him dead. Leon fell on a chair, tears leaking from his eyes. He hated him, but he didn’t want him to be dead. And now, there was nothing he could do about it. 
-
“y/n, if I ever had a moment I wished for death the most, I would be that one.” Leon turned to you and said, “All of my life I have wondered how much pain you would have to go through until you are allowed to give up.” He placed his hand on top of yours and laid back in your chest. “I still have nightmares of that crash. I still have flashbacks of him, but nothing prepares you for the pain that comes when it is lived through. I have learnt that the hard way. I didn’t expect a good ending, all I wanted was a ending. But I no longer want that now, I want the moments I spend with you to last forever.” He looked up and spoke, “So please, never give up.” 
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Text
Can you save me from this nothing I've become?
Pairing: Kook!JJ x Pogue!Reader
Word Count: 4.5k
Summary: Life Swap AU. JJ grew up as a sheltered boy in a golden cage in Figure Eight and doesn’t even have a clue how life in the Cut is like. That is until he meets you, the perfect example for life in an abusive household drowning in poverty. 
Warnings: A little bit of sadness, mentions of abuse, mostly fluffy tho
Available on: AO3
A/N: @outabanks​ asked me to write this for her so I tried. It’s a little different from anything else I’ve written so far and it was quite hard to find a tone for JJ now that he didn’t grow up in a physical abusive home and probably wouldn’t react with so much violence. I went with him feeling trapped, lonely and just sad inside due to him more suffering from emotional abuse. Also, switching POVs! Have fun!
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“Yes, Charlotte, I make sure to pick out my best outfit.” JJ groaned at his stepmother and went to his own bathroom to take a shower.
She was really annoying sometimes but after his mother and father divorced, he had been quick to replace her to maintain the image, dragging his mother’s name through mud in the process.
Figure Eight was a place where you grew up comfortably and never had to worry about a thing, at least on the outside.
JJ had grown up as the typical rich kid, getting everything he wanted. Problem was, he had been showered with money, not love, meaning he was missing what was most important. Back when his mother was still here, she had been the only person to show him what life really meant but she hadn’t been around for too long. Actually, he never got to know why she had left.
When Charlotte had married his father, it got even worse. Money here, fancy clothes there. She had never been a mother to him, she also never even tried as she wasn’t interested in him and only the money his dad had.
Whatever, he didn’t care about her either, he just wished she would leave him in peace once in a while but whenever he planned to go outside and do something she always came running and told him how to dress so he would look the best.
Tomorrow was another charity event and she had been stressing about the right clothes for weeks and he wouldn’t have any of it.
JJ got out of the shower with a sigh, towel around his waist and hair still dripping a little on the floor beneath him. He knew he had a good life, technically but sometimes he wondered how it felt to be a normal kid, growing up downtown or the Cut. He had never been down there actually, only heard that people from the Cut were poor but in comparison to the people from Figure Eight, poor couldn’t be too bad, right?
The reason he had never been down there was his father. He might look like the perfect father on the outside but on the inside, he was rotting away, fueled by his addiction for money and a wealthy lifestyle. One wrong step and JJ would suffer, in either emotional and very rarely physical way.
He was trapped in a golden cage he couldn’t escape until he was old enough which would still take a few more years. He just had to hold on, pretend to like his life when they were in public and just be done with it.
“We’re off then, son. See you tomorrow!” his father yelled from downstairs as JJ got dressed in some loser clothes so he could enjoy his time home alone.
“Yeah, have fun,” he said nonchalantly, not really caring about them leaving to visit the Cameron’s to talk about some preparations for tomorrow.
When he heard the front door shut he let out a sigh of relief and lay down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. They wouldn’t be back until past midnight, that’s always how it went.
It was the perfect time to think about how lonely he actually was. His parents divorced, his mother not even calling or writing him, his dad only caring about money and his new wife. Friends? Sadly none. Kook Academy wasn’t the place where he wanted to be and he had a hard time blending in. It was a place where everyone was so narcissistic and wanted to show off all they had. Also really competitive people. Who had the bigger car, who had the more expensive outfit, things like that.
The only person he rarely talked to at events was Kiara, a wealthy girl from the neighborhood next to his own. He heard that she was hanging around with the Pogues in the Cut but he never asked her about it. They mostly just saw each other, nodded briefly and started drinking together. He listened to her rambling about saving turtles in a drunken state later on while he made flirty comments she always shut down very quickly. It was a simple way to pass the time while trying to get through the evening.
His father told him to befriend the Cameron’s but to be honest? No. Wheezie was just a little girl, Sarah was the princess around here and he had no desire to walk around with royalty and get judged by only that. Rafe was a dick, he had actually tried to befriend him when they were younger but that boy had massive issues.
So yep, loneliness it was. On the outside, his life was perfect but on the inside he was struggling. One day he would escape, go to the mainland and do his own thing. He wanted to get far away from Outer Banks and his father, all these riches he had. There was enough money on his own bank account to help him get started but JJ wanted to work with his own hands, get dirty, live the life he wanted.
Suddenly he heard a crash in the front yard and he shot up from his bed, opening the door to his balcony and looked outside, trying to see something in the darkness. It took a moment for his eyes to get used to the missing light before he scanned the garden. A vase was shattered to the left and to the right…
Shit!
Someone was face down in their pool and it looked like they weren’t moving.
JJ rushed downstairs and to the garden, quickly jumping in to get the person out. He put the body down next to the pool, slapping the cheek slightly. Luckily enough he had been quick enough and the person was waking up, spitting out a little bit of water.
“I don't think it’s the best time to take a swim,” he said while he sat there on his knees, looking over at the girl that couldn’t be older than he was.
She wasn’t answering, just looking at him for a moment before closing her eyes again, passing out once more.
    When you woke up, you had no idea where you were. The bed under you felt softer than your own and you had a huge headache. Also, you were wearing comfortable clothes for some reason. Still a dream? Maybe.
You slowly opened your eyes, afraid that feeling of warmth would be gone now but it didn’t vanish. As you were looking around you noticed a boy on the ground, wrapped in a blanket and you blinked. 
Looking down at your body told you that you were totally not wearing your own clothes. These were really fine and soft, it almost felt like they were giving you a warm hug.
It took awhile for you to connect the dots but then your face turned white. The boy on the ground had seen you naked.
“Perv!” you suddenly yelled and threw the pillow behind you at him which caused him to stir.
“What the fuck,” he mumbled and got up and for the first time, you got a good look at these blue eyes and the messy, blonde bed hair. “This is what I get for saving your ass?”
Saving your ass? You frowned and now that you thought about it, you had no idea what had happened last night after you ran away from home. You knew you had been drinking to try and stop the pain but then it all went black.
“What do you mean?” you asked and tilted your head a little to the side like a lost puppy.
“Apparently you were either really fond of having a swim or trying to drown yourself in my pool,” he said while he got up, stretching and showing off his body to you. Of course he was not wearing a shirt, why would he. It was too hot for that anyway. He was too hot. Shit, focus!
“I wasn’t drowning myself,” you said even though you wished that had worked.
Silence fell over you for a moment while he just stood there, looking at your miserable form before he rubbed the back of his neck and looked clearly uncomfortable.
“Look, I’ve seen the bruises…,” he started and you looked back at him, clenching your jaw. Of course he had seen the bruises, he had seen you naked and they were quite visible all over your body.
“It’s nothing. Where are my clothes? I want to leave.” You didn’t want to stay here and talk to a stranger that apparently saved you from drowning. Oh. That was probably why you were wearing different clothes, he had taken care of them so you wouldn’t get a cold. Well, not exactly the first thought you had but thank god you still had your virginity.
“Do you need help?” he asked softly and crouched in front the bed which caused you to frown. No one had ever asked you that. It took a long moment before you shook your head.
“No, I’ll be fine.” You nodded and got out of bed which made him stand up again. He was taller than you were and you bit your bottom lip while looking around in his room some more. This was clearly not the Cut. This looked like a Figure Eight house. Oh god, had you wandered that far?
“Can I make you breakfast at least? My parents are still asleep,” he said and you chewed on your lip a little before you nodded. Your stomach was dying inside as you hadn't eaten in two days because your aunt prefered to let you starve while she spent all her money on alcohol and drugs. You wished your parents were still alive but that wasn’t an option.
“Alright, wait here, I’ll bring you some up.” With that he was already gone and you went back under the soft blanket. If you would stand up more your head was probably going to explode and you would fall due to it’s spinning non stop. Laying down was good. Sitting upright a little was good too.
You had never seen this boy before which wasn’t a surprise given that you had been to Figure Eight only one or two times with Kiara. The Pogues were the only reason to get out of bed in the morning but currently, they were all doing their own thing which was fine but also made you sad a little.
The blonde boy was up quicker than you thought and he put the tray down on your legs with a smile.
“I’m JJ, by the way,” he said as he grabbed the chair from his desk and rolled it over, taking one of the plates from the try to put some food on it.
You blinked at all the food in front of you and you were sure you hadn’t seen that many at once, at least not something you were allowed to eat. Bread buns, scrambled egg, different kinds of sausages and grapes. He must have noticed how skinny you were.
“I’m (y/n),” you simply said while staring at the food, not even sure if you could eat but when you looked at him eating and he smiled at you, you couldn’t stop yourself.
It was a feast for you. Did he always have breakfasts like that? God, what a lucky person.
“Nice to meet you, (y/n). Wanna tell me now why you were swimming in my pool at midnight?” he asked and grinned a little. He wanted to get details but he didn’t want to completely ruin the mood, something you could appreciate.
You didn’t know him and you weren’t easily trusting a person but he saved you, made you breakfast and you would probably never see him again, so you kinda owed him, right? Also he had already seen the bruises and given all the books he had in his room, he seemed to be a smart boy that had figured it all out on his own already.
“I was trying to get away from life,” you mumbled with your mouth full and he raised an eyebrow at that. “Got beat up, didn’t eat for two days, ran away to drink the pain away and then it went all black but it seems like I wanted to get a look at a life I’ll never have and then I somehow ended up in your pool. I wasn’t trying to drown myself, I promise.”
Well, the mood he had been trying to maintain was totally ruined by your words now. You spoke them so casually like they were no big deal but you saw how his eyes widened and he stopped eating while you still continued. Yes, your life was pure shit but it would be okay one day. One day you’d get out of your aunt’s death grip and get the life you deserved.
“I-,” he started but didn’t seem to be able to finish so you waved off. 
“It’s fine. It happens. Something you can’t understand, no offense.” He was living a good life full of privileges and riches, of course he wouldn’t understand what you went through and that was okay. You didn’t want his pity, he didn’t seem to care about people at the Cut anyway. 
“I might not understand your life but you obviously don’t understand my life either,” he chuckled and took some grapes to eat. You raised both eyebrows at him, what did he mean? Apparently he could read the face you were making and continued. “Life here isn’t all that great either. I may not suffer from a lot of physical abuse but emotional one. Being rich isn’t always good, ya know.”
“I’d kill for being rich,” you blurted out and it made him laugh. He had a beautiful laugh but it also sounded really sad for some reason.
“Yeah, that’s probably how a lot of people here became rich.” That made you laugh too, he was probably right. You knew a few Kooks that looked like they had killed for their wealth.
You both ate in silence and when you were done, he put the tray away to look at you with a look that you couldn’t quite place.
“Where are my clothes?” you asked to break the stare and he nodded.
“I’ll get them, one second,” he said and walked over into a room which was...his bathroom? God, he even had his own bathroom. What the fuck.
JJ came out with them again and they looked so much cleaner than before. “Did you wash them?” you asked because it didn’t look like it was just the pool water.
“Yeah, they looked like they needed it,” he said and put them over the bed. When you grabbed them you felt how soft they were now after the cleaning and you smiled a little to yourself. They also smelled really good.
You got out of the bed and pressed past him into the bathroom so you could get changed. When you came out of it again you felt old and new at the same time. Thankfully, the headache was slowly fading away.
“Alright, thanks for saving me, I’ll be off then,” you exclaimed as you had occupied him enough now. He already knew more about you than a stranger should and you had to get out of here before he tried to play your savior.
You had already a hand at the doorknob when he reached out to you, grabbing your arm to stop you from leaving. Of course he had to do that.
“I know this isn’t any of my business but if you ever need help, come here, okay? I’ll try my best,” he said and normally you would huff at such an offer as you had been disappointed so many times in your life but for some reason, he sounded so absolutely genuine that you nodded. You believed him but you also had no desire to get back here any time soon. Figure Eight wasn’t the place you wanted to be, it only reminded you of what could have been but wasn’t.
“Thanks,” you mumbled and he let go of you.
    Two weeks had passed and he couldn’t get the girl out of his head. There had been something that made him want to save her even though she seemed to be the kind of girl that didn’t want saving. 
Something deep inside of him was screaming at him to find you and that’s exactly what he did right now. His father would kill him but he didn’t care anymore. It was like there was a strange bond that was pulling him closer to you and away from the life he didn’t want.
The Cut was different than he had expected. During his sheltered life, downtown had been the only area he had visited, it was almost like an invisible wall that his father had placed here, not allowing him to go any further. As a kid he had been curious about it but after a while of useless attempts to convince his father he had given up on getting to know the rest of the island.
He couldn’t say why he didn’t try again now that he was older. Maybe he really wasn’t interested anymore after all those years. Maybe it was his father’s voice that was echoing in his head the closer he got to that invisible wall.
Until he broke through it. He drove past that magical line that had kept him and suddenly he saw what was really going on. They weren’t just a little less fortunate than the people from Figure Eight. His dad had lied to him and he felt sick for a moment.
He drove past small shacks, some looking like they would get blown away by the next storm. They were just poor and lived in poverty. Well, maybe not all of them but the further he drove away from the downtown area the more sad and wild it looked around him. There was also a strange feeling of freedom to it, he couldn’t really describe it.
Figure Eight was all beautiful houses and big mansions, perfectly cut grass, cars and pools. Everything had to be perfect but this? Lots of people didn’t care about their grass, he saw some old cars and trucks, some people had a small boat but nothing compared to the yacht his father owned. It was so different and he hated himself for never coming here. When did he become such an ignorant person?
Something suddenly jumped out of the bushes to the right and he hit the breaks, barely stopping in front of the person who was standing right in front of his car, looking straight at him.
“What the fuck?!” the girl yelled and he would always recognize that voice, it had almost burned into his soul. She was so different from everything he knew. Looks like the string that was pulling him had reached its destination.
    Great, now some idiot tried to run you over while you were busy running away from Barry. This couldn’t get any worse. You were about to keep running when you saw who got out of the car. It was the blonde pretty boy with the sad eyes from Figure Eight that you kept dreaming about for the last two weeks. A wink of destiny? Either way, it looked like he was your escape.
JJ got out of the car and smiled at you, slowly coming over to you, probably wanting to make sure you were okay but he barely scraped you. 
“JJ?” you asked in disbelief and he chuckled a little. It was weird to see him here, out of place, so far away from home.
“If I wouldn’t know any better I’d say you tried to get him by a car this time,” he said and laughed when he saw you glare. You really didn’t have time for this bullshit. Yes, being dead would be better sometimes given your circumstances but right now you’d prefer to prevent that.
You threw a look behind you and then back at him. “In the car,” you hissed and shoved him back to his side of the car while you got in on the other side.
“Drive,” you said and looked out to the right side where you had been coming from but he looked at you confused.
Barry came out of the bushes and you turned around to JJ in a split second, pressing your lips against his, hoping to make Barry think that it was just a rich couple that came down here to make out. He wasn’t the brightest candle on the cake after all.
When you saw him leave out of the corner of your eye you sighed into the kiss but only slowly moved away. JJ’s lips felt good, pressed against yours like it was the only thing he had ever wanted.
Reality hit and you pulled back, swallowing slightly. “Sorry uhm...just needed to distract that guy,” you mumbled and licked your lips, still tasting him.
“What was that about?” he asked and seemed a little dumbfounded by the sudden kiss.
“I was running from our local drug dealer,” you explained like it was the most normal thing to do. Maybe you had stolen him some money but you only wanted food and you knew where he stored it so you might as well just borrow it. For a very long time.
“You could have just hidden on the backseat, you know,” he teased and wiggled his eyebrows which caused you to slap him slightly against the shoulder.
“It was a distraction kiss, nothing else. Don’t let it get to your head,” you said ang took a deep breath when you felt your body relax.
“What now? Any place I can drive you to?” he suddenly asked and you looked over at him, thinking for a moment. You’d be safe with John B and the others as you wanted to meet up later anyway. You nodded and gave him some quick directions.
“So, what are you doing here?” you asked and watched him drive. He had such a pretty face if those eyes wouldn’t be so sad. You wondered why he was like that, he had everything you could wish for and yet, he was still so sad.
“Actually, I was looking for you. I also had never been down to the Cut, my father always keeping me from it so I wanted to take a look.” His voice was so smooth and you had the urge to just press your lips against his once more.
What the fuck was going on in your head? God, that needed to stop, he was a Kook after all. No good came from them.
“Why were you looking for me?” It was beyond you why he would come here only to find you. You were just some girl he had saved from her own stupidity. On the other hand, you couldn’t deny that you hoped to see him again shortly after you had left his place back then. There had been something about him that was pulling you closer and those dreams you had weren’t for nothing. He was special in a way you couldn’t describe just yet.
“I don’t know, to be honest. I just had the feeling I had to,” he said and it confirmed your feelings. He also didn’t really know what he was doing here, just like you didn’t know why you wanted him here.
It was a strange connection that had formed within a couple of hours two weeks ago, a connection that didn’t break. Normally people meet other people, establish some kind of relationship between them. Acquaintances, friends, work colleagues, stuff like that. Sometimes you just meet a stranger, talk to them and then break the connection off.
That’s what you thought this would be but the connection was still there, it was deep in your bones and your mind.
Stupid Kook, about to turn your world around.
You arrived at the Chateau where John B was already coming over before JJ could turn the motor off. He obviously wasn’t used to such cars arriving at his place, that’s why you got out first.
“It’s me!” you yelled and JB visibly relaxed before taking another look at the car and the boy coming out of there.
“Who’s that?” he asked and frowned at you but you just waved off. 
“That’s JJ. He saved me, two times to be exact. He’s cool.” You waved JJ over and he followed you step to John B. You gave him a quick hug and then saw how JJ held out his hand.
You glared at John B and he groaned slightly before shaking JJ’s hand.
“I don’t know why you’d bring a Kook here,” he grumbled and you hit his arm slightly.
“I told you, he is cool. He’s pool boy.” You might have mentioned that accident to your friends without any names or mentioning that your blonde savior was a Kook. Oops.
“Pool boy?” a female voice said while coming out of the house and you waved at Kie.
“Kiara?” JJ suddenly said and looked over at her, watching how she stopped in her tracks. You looked between the two of them forth and back.
“JJ?” Yup, they totally knew each other.
“Donkey?” you threw in and laughed a little at your Shrek reference, causing the others to laugh too.
“You know each other?” John B said in choir and the both nodded.
“Yeah, he’s the guy that keeps me grounded at all the Kook events. We drink and make it through the night somehow. He’s cool,” Kiara explained and JJ nodded in agreement.
“See, told you,” you teased John B and he just rolled your eyes. He sometimes acted like a big brother when he wasn’t drowning in his own shit.
“Are you staying? I know what it feels like to be a Kook, so I might as well show you my escape”, Kiara said and JJ rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.
You laughed a little because he seemed so out of place right now but you could tell he probably needs an escape from life once in a while.
“Okay, show me,” JJ said and you grinned at him. It was a reckless thing to do, taking a Kook in but technically, Kiara was one too and if she and JJ got along, he would also get along with Pope and John B. It might just take a while but it would be okay.
There was this feeling inside of you that was telling you to help him, to make his eyes look sad and to hear a genuine laugh from him.
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kureis-writing-hell · 3 years
Text
What makes us
First || Previous
This one isn't based on a prompt. I tried to base it and it didn't work and I had to scratch it whole. This is a story of Nao's childhood and what happened to him before his 18th birthday.
A series in which Chisaki Kai goes through therapy
Tw: hinted csa (child sexual abuse, it's really just a tiny hunt but it's there), blood, death
Shit went down when Nikodem was only a few years old. In a fight between a hero and a villain his parents died. People told him it was a miracle he was saved, but later on he would regularry think it was rather a curse. It started a life of misery for him: a foster family that gave him away once his quirk manifested, a dirty, poor orphanage ruled by a man, who liked little boys a little too much, another foster family that used him as a servant, another one and another one. No one really wanted him, no one cared about him anymore. Every year less people were interested in adopting him, creeped out by a frowny kid with a crazy look in his eyes.
Often, Nikodem thought that he would never find home. But then he met that girl.
She was new. Other kids kept themselves away from her, even the staff was reluctant to approach her. It was said she predicted her parents’ deaths then, right before she ended up alone, she pointed out the exact date and hour her grandmother died. It was her quirk, obviously. A shitty, creepy one, that made her see a clock on people’s heads, counting down to their deaths.
They got along well. She was two years older than Nikodem but, contrary to the boy, was a bubbly rain of sunshine. Nothing seemed to be able to break her, not her quirk, not the place she ended up in. Despite that, families still wouldn’t take her in.
She told everyone to call her Mara. It was taken from her name and Nikodem found it pretty. Mara was the only one he enjoyed spending time with. He enjoyed her stories, her future plans, the way she could kick ass and piss the staff off. He enjoyed everything about her and would follow her everywhere.
When Mara turned sixteen she stood face to face with Nikodem and told him they were going to run away. There was nothing he wanted more than that - to leave that wretched place. So they packed, gathered a few other kids that wanted to run as well, stole some food and vanished.
No one cared. There was an article about them in some magazine, a handsome man spoke some words about them in the news but other than that no one cared about a few orphans. They left the city, the district, they ran from a train because they didn’t have money to pay for the ticket and Nikodem for the first time ever felt free. Happy.
They had a house. After running they found an old factory in the suburbs of another city. Quickly they learned how to use their quirks for stealing food, clothes, books and whatever they wanted. Everyone had their place in the gang, someone played with old parts and fixed motors, so they could get around easier, someone cooked, someone learned how to patch up wounds. Nikodem quickly started calling them a family, everyone did.
They danced, laughed, watched stars and loved at that time.
“What would you do if you knew you’re going to die tomorrow?”
They were sitting on the tin roof late in the night, only Nikodem and Mara. The rest had a campfire under them, celebrating nothing in particular. The view from the roof was amazing, the stars and the night sky were swallowed by the lights of the city, but it was quiet. At that hour even the city was asleep.
Nikodem turned to Mara, frowning. Finally something clicked and, with a shocked face, he covered his forehead. Mara laughed.
“You can’t cover it, dumbass! Don’t worry, you still have a lot of time. I’m just asking.”
“You did that on purpose.” Nikodem pouted and lowered his hand.
“Maybe! So? What would you do?”
Nikodem thought, for a moment. He turned his face toward the view and watched the lights. Mara drank her beer, waiting for his answer.
“I’d kiss you.”
The girl chocked on the beer, sputtered and looked at the boy surprised. Nikodem could feel his face getting hot, even his ears and neck were probably red at this point, but the color got lost in the darkness. He didn’t dare to look at Mara and even if he would he couldn’t see how she also blushed.
“Okay,” she said finally.
“What?”
“Okay. We may kiss.”
Nikodem looked at her, finally. He again covered his forehead.
“It was true, I’m going to die tomorrow, right?”
“No you’re not, moron!” Mara pushed him playfully, hiding her embarrassment. “I just want to do it too!
And so they kissed, under the stars, on the roof with the best view ever.
They got good at what they were doing quickly. They wore masks for stealing, they used upgraded motors for moving around, they came in, stole what they needed and then wandered around the city freely, because no one would ever suspect a bunch of children. And now everyone was talking about them. Their masks, something they picked up from dumpsters, were so popular everyone knew how they looked. They had fans and enemies and they had heros after them. Yet every night they had a party in their base. They drank alcohol, ate good food, kissed and made love. And they were free.
She never told him, or anyone else from their gang, when they’re going to die. But once she told them about her own number. Apparently she could see it in the mirror and Nikodem never ever hated quirks more than in that moment. It was just wrong.
Mara was sick. There was something in their family, something too scientific for Nikodem to understand, that killed her mother and mother of her mother. Normally, raised in a normal house, she would survive till her late twenties. With expensive treatment and medications she could maybe live till her forties. Her current number allowed her to stay alive till she was twenty three.
Nikodem didn’t accept it. He couldn’t. It wasn’t her fault she couldn’t afford a better living situation or meds. He was angry and he was determined to get even more money, to allow her the treatment she needed. Everyone agreed to him, except Mara. She didn’t want to draw too much attention to them and she was already used to the idea of dying. She was angry at him, for a while. Then she couldn’t anymore.
Nikodem was sixteen when he told her he loved her too much to let her go that easily.
.
They couldn’t go on the raids when it was raining because it was too risky. They used to store the food for winters because during them it was too dangerous to raid the city. They did only necessary to survive every year. Now, it changed. And now they realised they were way more powerful than they thought. Their gang was classified as rank B villains, with Nikodem deemed their leader, classified as rank A. There was more planning, more stress and way more risk but, surprisingly, it brought them all even closer to each other.
It was just getting warm, the snow still didn’t melt in the darker corners of their base but the days were sunny and bright and hot. And the rain that came wasn’t risky. It was warm, too. It washed over Nikodem’s stress and worries and Mara’s long, pretty dress. And they danced in it, laughed and kissed.
“You’re turning eighteen this year, we should throw you a party!” she said once they were inside, in dry clothes, drinking hot tea.
“It’s still a few months.”
“So? Isn't any reason to party good?”
“But it’s a birthday. We should celebrate it when it comes.”
Mara pouted. She looked so cute, with her nose and cheeks still reddened, wrapped in a blanket from head to toes. He loved her so much.
“Look at you, what made you smile like a dumbass? That’s a rare sight.” Embarrassed, Nikodem turned his face away. Mara laughed and clung to his side. “I like it, you have a funny smile. You should do it more!”
He decided to try his hardest.
.
Blood.
Everything around him was red and it was his fault.
They were so close to getting enough money for Mara that Nikodem got impatient. He wanted to gather enough as fast as possible and he came out with the idea of that raid. It was going to be the hardest one till now, but they had a good plan. They planned it for a month. And it worked out! But then the heroes found their hideout.
“Those are children! I had no idea those were children, I couldn’t know!” lamented one of the heroes, the one that came in first. Under his quirk the roof of the old factory collapsed, something caught fire and the tanks they had stored exploded. Most of Nikodem’s gang was outside, thankfully, but they also got hurt.
They still had masks on when other heroes arrived. They fought. Nikodem got crushed under the part of the factory and couldn’t get out on time to help them. He had to watch how his friends, his only family, fought for their lives and lost. Blood spilled all around him and he couldn’t do anything.
When he finally got out the heroes were searching for survivors. But no one could survive this. They were either crushed under the factory or fought till death. And Nikodem stood in the puddle of their blood.
It hurted to move, it even hurted to breathe but he had to find Mara. He had to make sure she was alive and help her, and anyone else that still could be alive, escape. He was their leader, he came up with that raid, it was all his fault.
Stepping over the body of his friend, someone he ate breakfast with this morning, he went forward. The heroes were arguing, Nikodem could hear his voices, but didn’t pay attention to them. He took off his mask and threw it away, searching for a different one, one that he knew Mara was still wearing.
He found her, laying right by a part of the factory that miraculously didn’t fall on her. There was still a hole in her stomach that Nikodem immediately jumped to, to cover the bleeding. Mara trembled and huffed something that Nikodem didn’t understand. Holding his shirt against her abdomen with one hand he took off her mask.
Her lips were covered in blood but she was smiling. She kept looking at him and Nikodem was glad she was awake.
“That went to shit, eh?” she rasped.
“Don’t joke now, please.” Nikodem couldn’t hold back his tears. It was slowly hitting him, what exactly happened.
“I want to tell you something.”
“You shouldn’t talk, you’ll tell me once you get better but now you have to save your energy.”
She smiled at him and her smiles were never that sad.
“I knew this was going to happen.” Nikodem only shook his head. “Yeah. I did the math when everyone’s numbers started going down. I never thought they could change before.”
“It’s all my fault.”
“No, it’s not.” Mara coughed and spit some blood. “If anyone’s then it’s mine. I should have told you to stop with the raids but I knew no one would listen. And it made me happy to know you all are doing this for me. Selfish.”
“You weren’t selfish!” sobbed Nikodem. “I was, I wanted to spend more time with you and I took your time away!”
“That’s not true.” She managed to laugh a little. “You actually let me live. Everyone else too, but you especially. Thank you.” Nikodem shook his head again. He could feel blood sipping through the material of his shirt. “Can I have one more selfish request?”
“I’ll do anything for you.”
“Live.” Mara lifted her hand and touched Nikodem’s forehead. He grabbed it and helped her keep the arm up, snuggling into it. It was too cold but he didn’t mind. “Your minutes are tickling down but I don’t want you to die because of me. Please, promise me that you won’t die.”
“I don’t want to. How am I supposed to, when everyone is dead? I can’t live without you.”
“You can.” Her fingers brushed just slightly against Nikodem’s forehead. “Please. Do anything you could. Don’t fight these heroes, surrender, do anything you can.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to die knowing everyone I ever loved died because of me.” She was speaking more and more silently. “At least you. Especially you, Niko.”
For a moment Nikodem tried to hold back his tears. But they didn’t. They started flowing harder.
“I promise,” he whimpered. “I’ll do anything. I swear.”
Mara opened her eyes wider and, after a moment, smiled wide. Her thumb brushed against Nikodem’s forehead and then her hand went limp.
“I’ll ask them, I’ll beg them to help you. They’re heroes, maybe they have a healing quirk, you’ll be fine too!” Nikodem made a crooked smile, one that was meant for comfort but he knew Mara would laugh at it. “I could even pay them, the money should be fine in the safe. We’ll be okay.” Mara didn’t answer. Her eyes kept looking at him and her smile didn’t vanish but she wasn’t reacting at all. Nikodem felt his heart sink. “Mara? Mara, don’t joke, please. Dagmara!”
When the heroes found him Nikodem was still sitting by Mara’s body. He didn’t fight, he surrendered and let them handcuff him. He lost everything but he made a promise. And that promise would keep him alive.
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star-spangledstud · 4 years
Text
SAVE THE DAY
Pairing: Peter Parker x reader
Summary:  Peter wants to quit being Spider-Man, but the reader needs saving.
Word Count: 3600-ish.
Warnings: mentions of violence/alcoholism and abuse/hostage situation. Angst with fluffy ending.
A/N: Let’s just pretend Peter didn’t turn into dust during IW. Also, this has a dark theme? I wrote this a while ago and figured I’d post it. It’s pretty bad, sorry. 
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Peter Parker is sick and tired of being Spider-Man. 
Between hardly getting any sleep and his grades faltering miserably because of his nightly escapades, the fact that half of his friends died just three weeks ago doesn’t exactly help his case. He’s tired of putting on the suit, tired of scouring the streets in the dark of night, tired of waiting for crimes to happen when he really should be studying. 
Peter lost some of the people he looked up to the most, and ever since he returned home, he hasn’t been able to stop feeling horrendously guilty over the fact that he wasn’t able to save them. He misses his friends, but mostly, he misses his coworkers, half of whom had disappeared into dust. What’s the point of being Spider-Man when you can’t even save the ones you hold dear to your heart?
Peter is seated behind his desk, black ink pen tightly gripped between his clammy fingers. His left palm is stuck under his chin, and his eyes, droopy and fluttery, shift between the clock hanging above the door towards the back of the classroom. His hazel orbs scan everything from the green linoleum floors to the yellow-stained ceiling with its flickering lights. Empty seats line the back walls, desks and chairs stacked on top of each other in a sick manner.
Desks that were once filled with students now sat empty to collect dust and termites. Most of the kids that vanished didn’t even know who Thanos was or what his intentions were. It isn’t fair, Peter thinks as he grips his pen and clenches his jaw. They didn’t deserve to die. 
Several of Peter’s classes have been postponed until further notice due to the sudden lack of staff and student body. Of course, Mr. Brown hadn’t vanished, and so, Peter is sitting in his Tuesday morning math class with barely over a dozen other kids. Each one of them looks just as sad, confused and most of all defeated as Peter does, because most of them have lost multiple family members and friends in the blink of an eye without any hope of bringing them back. 
James from physics has lost both his parents. Samantha from biology lost only one, but her grandparents as well. Francis from literature didn’t have parents even before the Snap, but lived with her aunt and uncle who both disappeared. The gist of it is clear; grief, hurt and anger surrounds the school like a thick, impenetrable blanket of fire from which nobody can escape and for a moment, Peter doesn’t know on which side of the Snap he’d rather be. 
The seconds on the clock tick by agonizingly slowly. Mr. Brown knows nobody in his class gives a shit about potentially solving mathematical problems anymore, but life must go at the end of the day and until anyone has any better ideas, the only thing the school board knows to do is to keep teaching classes to whoever decides to show up. To be fair, even though it’s nothing like how it used to be, school remains the only constant in most of these kids’ lives. 
Doubt continues to plague Peter’s cloudy mind as the day progresses. He’s already stuffed his suit in Ned’s locker - he wouldn’t be needing the space anymore anyway. The mere thought of his best friend vanishing into thin air made his fist curl and his eyebrows twitch in anger and every waking moment of his existence he hates himself for not being able to help him make it through the Snap. Then again, maybe it was for the best. 
Being alive suddenly didn’t seem like such a great thing anymore with the world in complete shambles. 
After class is over, most of the students slowly drag their feet towards the library or the cafeteria. With so many postponed classes, study hours are given left and right until the board has time to conjure a new schedule. Peter slings his backpack over his shoulder and, while dragging his feet to the library, absentmindedly reaches his phone from his back pocket. The latest iPhone he was given by Tony now feels alien in his hand, especially since half of his contacts don’t exist anymore. The Snap chat streak he used to have with Ned died weeks ago, and the last message Peter sent him still sits in Ned’s inbox marked as ‘unread’. Peter grips the device and bites his lip. He has to stop himself from throwing it out of the window all together. Looking at it has become unbearable. 
Just as he’s about to shove it back deep inside his pocket, it vibrates. He thinks it’s just his imagination at first, but when his hand shakes for the second time, he lifts up the phone with the thumping of his heart. 
It’s you, your name displayed as the caller ID across the screen, followed by blue and red heart emojis. You picked those out yourself. 
“What’s up?” he asks after picking up, “where are you? You have no idea how boring math is without you.” 
When the line momentarily remains silent on your end, Peter shrugs. You’ve pocket-dialed him before so it doesn’t immediately strike him as odd, and when he calls your name and doesn’t receive a response, he hangs up, finally able to place the phone in his pocket where he hopes it will remain forever. 
But it doesn’t remain there forever, because less than a minute later, it rings again, once more flashing your name across the screen for his eyes to see. His groans, but picks up anyway as he stands in front of the library entrance. 
“Y/N?” He asks, holding the device tightly to his ear just in case he can hear you in the distance. 
“No,” you whisper finally, “he’s going to kill a bunch of people, P.” 
Peter’s blood runs cold when the call is ended once again. He wastes no time sprinting towards Ned’s old locker and holds his breath when he dashes through the empty hallways. Before he gets there, he calls you back. You don’t answer. 
Peter sneaks the costume into his backpack and changes into it in the empty bathroom near the physics lab. He stuffs his backpack inside the air vent and dials your number again. With his phone stuck tightly against his ear, he jumps out of the window.
You are one of the only people Peter still has left and vice versa. The two of you have been friends for ages, sharing nearly every class and you, him and Ned always sit together for lunch. The three of you would hang out together after school as well; you saw movies together and played video games on the weekends. You texted each other constantly. 
The Snap wiped out nearly your entire family. Your mother, little brother and both of your grandparents and your aunt and uncle on both sides. You were left with nobody but your step-father.
Peter knows the two of you don’t get along. The man drinks too much, stays out too late even during the week and sometimes, he doesn’t even come home for days. Your mother always welcomed him back with open arms and chose to ignore the empty bottles of vodka and whiskey in the trash. She ignored the perfume on his clothes and his behavior towards you and stayed with him, a man so unstable he couldn’t hold jobs longer than a few months at a time. Her blindness to his shenanigans always angered Peter, because the relationship between your mother and step-father affected you in more ways than you cared to admit.
He knows you wish it was him who died instead of your mom and frankly, Peter wishes the same. He never liked the guy.  
Peter is extremely worried about you, because he knows the drinking has doubled since your mom died. You’ve been skipping school to take care of the household and you know very well how Peter feels about your step-father’s lack of participation in and around the home. He started taking you away from your house whenever he could find the time and you’d even met Tony Stark the first time Peter took you to the tower. It surprised Peter to see how well the two of you got along, but then again, computer science is your favorite subject in school so it’s something the two of you could bond over. Well, it used to be anyway, because the class got dropped after the teacher and eight of his students got lost in the Snap. 
Peter’s heart rams against his rib cage when you finally answer the phone. In the background, he can hear people screaming and shouting. 
“Y/N? Where the hell are you?” He asks, using his webs to sling himself from building to building to avoid being seen in broad daylight. 
“Central bank,” you whisper under shaky breaths, “gun. Can’t talk.” 
The line goes dead once again, and Peter immediately changes direction. 
You knew something was wrong when Hank offered to drive you to school this morning, because he’d never volunteered to take you anywhere before and you doubted he would start now. The red rims around his dull, yellow eyes made you decline his proposal at first but he insisted, and in fear of getting hurt by a man nearly twice your size, you finally agreed to have him drive you to school. You weren’t in any kind of mood to argue with him, and you sure as hell didn’t want to provoke him. Besides, the drive would only take ten minutes, while walking took you nearly half an hour, so you couldn’t exactly complain. 
It saddened you to see him like this. The two of you never really got along, but at least a small part of you hoped that the shared loss of your mom and little brother would bring you some type of twisted companionship, something dark to bond over. You wanted to ask him if Peter could stay over for dinner, but the dark sweat stains on his creme t-shirt and his iron grip on the wheel made you stay quiet. 
Hank never liked talking when he had a hangover. Talking too much always made him angry, and you don’t like seeing him pissed off. Granted, the only times he’d physically hurt you were when he was so drunk he couldn’t even tell you his own name, but you still fear him even now, afraid that one day he might actually do something he can never take back. With this knowledge, you typically stick to avoiding him on mornings after he’s had too much to drink. Nowadays though, it’s all he does. 
Even when he deviates from the usual route to your school, you bite your tongue in fear of pissing him off. Perhaps, you think, he’s forgotten the location of your school or maybe he’s too hungover to think straight and the entire time, you expect him to turn around. He doesn’t, but wen he finally does stop, he does so in front of Central Bank. 
You finally dare to speak up, asking him quietly what the two of you are doing there and fully expect him to sneer at you, to spit out that he’s only going to withdrawal money from your mother’s account again so he can support his bad habits, but instead of answering, he leaves you in the car and reaches for the trunk. 
“What are you doing?!” You ask fearfully when he rips open your door and grabs a fistful of your hair. 
“Shut up and don’t make a sound, got it?” 
He pulls your head towards the ground when he walks, so the only thing you can see is the beat up sneakers on his feet and the terrifying barrel of a semi-automatic weapon. There’s no security guard near the entrance, but you don’t have enough time to wonder where he might be, because Hank’s already crossed the threshold and he’s shouting like mad when you realize what the hell is going on.  
"Everybody sit the fuck down on the ground or I'll kill every last of one you!" 
Screams erupt from every corner, and as Hank angrily waves the gun around in an attempt to scare the customers and bank personnel, people left and right begin to duck behind chairs, desks and in booths. You can hear a baby crying somewhere nearby, and your palms are sweating and shaky when you curl them into fists. You’ve always known he’s crazy, but even for him, this is fucking insane.
"Hank, what the fuck are you doing?" You scream, feeling the pressure of his grip on your neck sting like a hot iron.
"Shut up, before I shut you up myself. Don't make a god damn sound, you hear me? That goes for all of you!" 
The next hour is a complete blur. Shots are fired into cream-colored walls, demands are made on stolen cellphones and most of all, you and everybody else inside is scared shitless. Hank forces you to sit in of the empty chair behind counter three, the one where people come to apply for loans. He continues to keep the gun pointed mostly at you - the hostage he uses to negotiate his demands. You called Peter when his back was turned to you, but couldn’t speak at first out of pure terror of being seen or heard. 
Outside, flashing red and blue lights draw near, and the sound of multiple helicopters rounding the perimeter nearly drowns out the sound of Hank’s screeching voice when one of the clerks makes an unexpected move. You’ve never seen him this angry and doubt you’ll ever see it again. Practically all bank transfers are conducted digitally nowadays, most banks using shares on the stock market to finance their customer’s savings accounts. Sure, there’s physical money inside, but none of the desk clerks have access to the vault where they keep the big bucks. How Hank didn’t realize this is a mystery to you. 
You’re starting to realize time is running out when SWAT arrives with a hostage negotiator. Peter can feel his heart nearly exploding inside his chest when he thinks of you as he slings his way across the city. He’s never run faster across rooftops, but he doesn’t take a moment to breathe until he makes it there. 
It doesn’t take him very long to sneak inside through one of the top floor’s open windows. Peter ignores the news camera’ that zoom in on him while he climbs inside, swallowing thickly at the knowledge that Tony’ll probably be pissed off later. 
He jumps down the staircase, swinging from left to right and balancing on the barricades until he reaches the first floor of the old building. Directly beneath him, he can hear the commotion and when he finally finds an air vent in one of the break rooms, he uses his webs to fling himself up and inside. His phone vibrates again when he’s slowly crawling his way through the dusty vents, but he doesn’t answer, because he can see you sitting in your chair shaking like a leaf when he finally reaches one of the vents that lead to the main entrance. 
He notices your step-father walking anxiously in circles, his eyes wildly darting across the entire ground floor to make sure nobody tried to take him down. He needs money now that his source of income has died and the amount of debt he finds himself in leads him to believe this is the only way to do it. 
Peter quickly and quietly unscrews the roster that allows fresh air to distribute throughout the ground floor and silently moves it to the side. 
Look up. 
He quickly texts you, but doesn’t realize your phone might make a sound until he’s already pressed send. He releases a deep breath when you check the message, and begin to search around the ceiling with a worried frown on your face until your finally eyes land on him halfway hidden in the darkness. 
You sigh inaudibly but tremble when the gun goes off three times and Hank begins to shout at a mother and her crying baby. 
“I'm going to get you out," Peter mouths at you after pushing up his mask you you can see his lips. 
He has to get the gun away from Hank, who is now pacing back and forth on the other side of the wall. With one swift motion, Peter drops down from the vent with his finger pushed against his mask to let the people know to keep quiet. He slides behind your chair and gives your hand a tight squeeze before disappearing just in time to see the barrel of the gun followed by Hank. 
Sweat drips down the man’s face and back, veins popping angrily in his neck protruding from his temples. Outside, the hostage negotiator uses a megaphone to shout at him, but it’s as if nobody is paying attention to what he’s saying. You only have eyes for Peter, who’s crouched under one of the desks, his arms stretched out in front of him so he can get a good angle on Hank. 
Before you get a chance to do as much as blink, silvery webs shoot out from Peter's wrists. They latch onto the cold metal of the firearm and begin to quickly retreat, pulling the weapon out of Hank's sweaty palms. He accidentally pulls the trigger when he struggles to hold on to the only thing that’s currently keeping him alive, firing four shots into the wall before the gun clashes to the ground and drags away from him.
His eyes bulge out of his head when he sees Spider Man, now standing on top of the desk. Peter yanks his arms back, flinging the weapon towards the security guard, who was sitting near the water cooler next to the staff room. The man doesn’t hesitate to pick it up and disarm it, emptying the magazine onto the ground until every last bullet falls to the ground with a clang. They bounce across the floor and roll under desks and at people's feet, away from the man who threatened to kill with them. 
Within minutes, the entire place is surrounded by SWAT and cops, their guns aimed at the man who was willing to kill innocent people for his own benefit. 
You can hardly get up from your chair when you feel something warm and smooth pressed up against your body. You instantly feel your knees buckling under you, but Peter uses his strength to keep you from falling. Reporters outside try their hardest to catch a glimpse of what’s going on inside the bank, but police officers hold them back as best they can, cutting off their view with all their might while the two of you hug. 
Your entire body trembles and your heart feels like it was going to explode as you shivered in Peter's arms, holding onto the boy for what felt like dear life. 
"Shh," he whispers in your ear, "It's okay. I got you."
You try to speak, to thank him for coming as quickly as he did, but nothing comes out except throaty stutters and shaky breaths. You’re hurting, even a blind man can see it.
“You came,” you manage, “he just lost it.” 
“Of course I did silly,” he replies, “I couldn’t let you get hurt, could I?”
People all around you gasp audibly when Peter pulls off his mask, synapses doing jumping jacks when you come face to face with him in public. He’s never taken off the mask in front of people before, especially not in front of reporters, and out of all of the Avengers, his identity is the only one that up until now remained a secret. Peter isn’t thinking about what Tony might say or what Steve might think. He’s not concerned with the gaping expressions of journalists and cops alike, or with the newspapers that will have his face plastered on the front page tomorrow. He doesn’t care because grown attached to you. 
The feeling had crept up on him slowly, and he hadn’t realized it until now, when the possibility of losing you for the second time in such a short amount of time finally managed to get it through his head.
“What are you doing?” You ask, eyes wide and pupils blown out. 
“I want you to see me,” he says, “not the mask.”
“But-” you stammer, “your identity. They’ll know. Everyone will know.” 
“I don’t care anymore,” Peter uses his thumb to caress your cheek, “let ‘em know that spider man’s just a kid from Queens. I’m sick of hiding.”
The small smile that plays on your rosy lips makes his heart skip a beat. He’s in love with you, has been for a while now, and Peter’s pretty sure the adrenaline surging in his veins is the reason for the sudden realization. He opens his mouth to speak and the words dangle on the tip of his tongue, but he remains silent when a police officer drapes a blanket over your shoulders and asks you if you require medical attention.
He’ll tell you, he reckons. When the time is right.
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