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#also my thoughts are Long and my hand is Tired (read: i have carpal tunnel)
criminalskies · 4 months
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Photo credit via Google.
Pictured above, Rome and I as those cringe novelty mugs.
Now, Aaron HC's centered around a Stressed, Overwhelmed, Needing some Care reader.
If the reader is going to a place that is going to be loud or crowded, Aaron always keeps a pair of noise-canceling headphones in his glove box and always offers them to the reader to take inside. He always keeps them charged for you.
On long rides (planes/trains/car), Aaron brings a sleep mask in his work bag for you to use to help calm down and rest a bit. He'd sit next to you and make sure no one bothers you.
When you are stressed or overwhelmed at night, Aaron will play some white noise for you. Whatever will help calm your mind, he'll put it on. He doesn't say it, but he enjoys it too.
If you are having eye strain from reading or looking at your computer too much, he will remind you to do some eye-relaxing techniques. And if he's not there in person, he'll text you to remind you. And in the evening, he'll get a cool cloth and place it over your closed, tired eyes.
If you are waiting for a doctor's appointment, or are in the Emergency Room, and are in pain, or are stressed, Aaron will fill out the forms for you and just let you sign everything.
When you are very stressed because of work or life, Aaron makes sure you don't drink too much coffee. He gives you some tea or just cool water to not up your body's stress levels.
Aaron will always let you sleep if it's appropriate and safe. At the apartment, he'd do anything for you while you rest. He's shopped, cleaned, meal prepped, and taken out the trash just so you woke up to a cleaner space. So your mind can feel a bit clearer when you wake.
(if you are a writer [of any kind]) Aaron keeps a pair of wrist and hand compression gloves for when your joints get worn out or if you have carpal tunnel.
To help you destress your body and mind, Aaron will give you a slow and gentle massage to relieve any pressure in your body to help your mind decompress.
I hope you enjoyed! Love you - ❤️
hi sweetheart! I wanted to take some time to mull these over because they are just so so beautiful to me, and the fact that you wrote them for me 🥺 makes it all even more special. I am very stressed!overwhelmed!needing-care!reader as of late. so here goes;
1. this would be so special to me, even if it isn’t often you’re overwhelmed to the point of needing complete silence and comfort, Aaron packs them anyway. and the thoughtfulness to charge them too bc my forgetful ass can never just keep things chaaaaarged. he is so considerate.
2. I was gonna say I personally would find it so hard to sleep blindfolded in any place with other people around but the addition that he’s right there by you for pillow duties and also to keep an eye on you and your belongings while you get your muuuuuch needed shuteye? gosh he is just so kind. this would mean the world to me.
3. I feel like this is one he would even try to disguise as something ~he~ wants, because he knows you’ll never ask him to put it on. he just sees that you could use some background noise to drown things out and asks if you’re okay with him needing it on right now.
4. he knows that you care about yourself enough to do what’s good for you but it just slips your mind or falls to the bottom of your list of priorities so on days when he’s off work and you’re both just mulling about at home, he’ll see how busy you are and make sure you eat, stay hydrated and keep your body from aching. stretching out your legs, arms, hands and eyes every time he decides enough is enough. he wants you to live to be an old yoga master not a 40 year old in need of a bilateral knee replacement.
5. I can see him doing this almost before the two of you are even together. if you work together, his attentive nature and feelings towards you would mean he of course has already begun learning all your little ins and outs so he can at LEAST fill out the 70% of the form that’s just crap, the insurance numbers and stuff he does have to get you to help him with (at first) but he’s already easing your load.
6. he knows how horrible your body can feel when the cups of coffee start outnumbering the hours of sleep you got last night. he knows that more coffee and fewer meals makes him feel sick and empty and hollow and he REFUSES to let you be this way. you might even find it annoying when he begins to insist you switch to decaf or tea or even a carbonated drink that’s still no good for you. he just wants you to get something else into your system and stop reaching for the coffee pot all day.
7. this one is actually just so kind I could cry. I hate when my life starts to stress me out and then my spaces become stressful because I don’t have time to clean and it isn’t clean enough for me to work well or be relieved. It’s just so hard keeping up with the little tasks. He can see the weight on your shoulders of all the little things around your space that need doing and he’ll use his time to help you in any way he’s physically capable. I would cRY.
8. awww yes if you get any little everyday aches and pains that you just always push through, he’s quick to be researching ways to soothe you or ameliorate the pain. he just wants to take it all from you but he can’t. he will sure as hell try, though.
9. I can picture this so well, he knows you’re too stressed to want anything too exciting happening in bed so when he gets the lotion and asks you to lay down shirtless in your front, you’re more than confused. but he explains he wants to give you a massage and your heart just melts. the closeness of it all, the care, the tender touches of his large hands over your tight muscles in your back and neck and shoulders just pushing all the tension away. you can feel it melt under his fingertips while the weight of his body over yours just pulls you towards sleep. he notices just how peacefully you sleep all relaxed like this and he vows to never forget the value of an amateur massage. it becomes a thing between the two of you. if you don’t want anything ✨spicy✨ in the bedroom, this is every bit as intimate and even more relaxing. you learn how to work his muscles in the same way to reciprocate because let’s be honest he could use a little decompression.
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welcomingdisaster · 7 months
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??? sentence, yes sunday!!
catching up on my tag games! i was tagged by @searchingforserendipity25 and @thelordofgifs to share something from a wip!
here is me playing around in @polutrope's sandbox. i read their fic, Seen, which is excellent and very funny and deserving of a lot more comments than it has, and got the irresistible urge to play around in that setting (with their permission!). in the fic, maglor has made it to the modern day and is a music school teacher. here is... a whole scene. i have no self control.
It was six-forty-eight and already dark. Outside the wind howled and post-work traffic rumbled as great waves, interrupted occasionally by sudden cacophonies of car horns, dulled by the walls of the little studio into whale-song.  Pinel plucked at her harp, picking away at the last notes of Blue Wizard’s Return. Her eyes were tired and her wrist ached.  “You need to relax your hand,” Mr. Goldsmith said, “close your fingers and thumb into your palm between the notes. It’ll prevent a lot of carpal tunnel down the line.”  He held out his own hand to show her, though she knew. Her eyes caught instead on his fingerless gloves, fine black lace in the shape of pretty flowers and spiky leaves. His long pale fingers were scarred, raised and puckered red along the the fingertips, paper-rough white on the edges of his fingers. That was why he couldn’t play for long, he said.  That and how his hands shook.  “Yeah,” she said, shaking out her hand, “sorry.”  Mr. Goldsmith’s face softened, his faded grey eyes flicking back to her, losing their focus on the craft. He had a funny face, Mr. Goldsmith, all sharp angles, something kinda mean and kinda pretty to him at the same time, though oftentimes it went away when he smiled. Pinel always thought he looked a little bit elfin, though he said he wasn’t. He wouldn’t tell her how old he was, though. When they lived in Minas Tirith her old harp teacher was a college student and she thought he was older than that, though maybe just because didn’t have any zits.  “What are you sorry to me for?” he asked. “They’re your hands.”  She almost said sorry again, but didn’t.  Mr. Goldsmith glanced at his watch and the corner of his mouth twitched downwards, just a little. “Would you like to take it from the top again, kid?”  She didn’t really. “Mom’s gonna be here soon,” she said. Mom was supposed to be here eighteen minutes ago at six-thirty. “And I’m really tired.”  “You can hang out while I clean up, then,” Mr. Goldsmith said, standing, “would you like to sit in my spinny chair?”  She did. She sat in his spinny chair, which also had wheels that slid a little bit too much on the linoleum floors on the studio, and watched as he wiped down the blackboards and took out the trash and vacuumed the front rug. It was six fifty-seven by the time he was done, which meant it only took him nine minutes.  “In three months I’ll be ten and then I can ride the bus on my own,” she said, “to get home.”  Mr. Goldsmith turned on his coffeemaker, which lived on the back counter away from the instruments, and waved her off. “Hot chocolate?”  “Yes please.”  Mr. Goldsmith never turned on the overhead lights of the studio, and now even with the warm yellow lamps it looked dim. She watched him run the hot water through the coffeemaker and mix hot cocoa mix with a plastic straw. Then he popped in a pod of coffee for himself, shifting from foot to foot while it brewed, and dumped another packet of cocoa into that, too.  Then he gave her the cup to hold and sat down on his desk, legs crossed under him. Sheet music fell down on the linoleum floor.  “Mr. Goldsmith?” she asked, “how did you hurt your hands?”   “Oh,” Mr. Goldsmith said, smoothly and easily as though he had expected the question, “fell down in a vat of industrial chemicals. Horrible mess.”  That wasn't true. “Nuh-uh!”  “Uh-huh. They were green and glowed.”  Pinel mulled that over for a bit, trying her drink to see if it was too hot. Okay. “Who pushed you?”  Mr. Goldmith laughed. He had a very musical laugh, like those bells they hung outside of coffee shops for All King’s Day.  “My brother, I suppose,” he said, “if anyone did. He didn’t really mean to.”  For a little bit they sat and drank their drinks and watched the cars outside. Pinel was tired enough she didn’t really want to do anything else, and her cocoa was sweet.  “Were there really chemicals?” she asked.  But the bell on the door rang, and Mom was here. 
gonna tag @polutrope @eilinelsghost @outofangband @starvels @meadowlarkx @jouissants @mirkwood-hr-department @melestasflight & @grey-gazania & anyone else who wants to share something! no pressure either way
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raphlecia · 3 months
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airflow and ventilation.
do you ever not do something you love for so long that the desire and longing begins to consume you, but every time you try to make time for it something else takes it away from your attention and you're left with this odd feeling... like, when you've finally taken a warm shower and drank hot chocolate after a long, tiring day, then you accidentally touch a stainless steel surface and the chill lingers in your fingertips, spreading to the rest of your body, rendering you in a state of physical tension, the exhaustion setting in you as you realize you have to start the process of getting comfortable all over again?
haven't finished the book i started reading in october because chores have torn me away from being able to sit down and do nothing long enough — mansfield park, beautiful hard copy with gilded edges, got it from this annual book sale, it was the last one. haven't continued writing any of my stories for nearly a year and to compensate for it i jot down every little thought and idea i have about them in a notebook i began keeping specifically for my writing: chapter summaries, characterizations, plot threads, thematic details, lists of potential names and titles (i hate coming up with names and titles because i place so much significance in them), dialogue-heavy scenes formatted like a screenplay. haven't knitted in a month because i just moved to a new apartment and am too busy unpacking and setting up the place to feel like a home to watch murder, she wrote and finish my projects: an unfinished scarf, three headbands with unwoven seams, and a sling bag i may or may not unravel because i no longer like the design/pattern i went for.
it must be some big cosmic joke that i, who has carpal tunnel syndrome, hate for my hands to be so creatively idle that i inadvertently resume another hobby i had set aside for several years due to a creative block with renewed drive and inspiration. maybe what i really need is a fidget toy.
our former apartment was never properly ventilated. if we fried food opening a window wasn't enough to let the smoke out because it also didn't get proper airflow. i'd have to splash water in my face or stick my head in the freezer for a few seconds for some sense of relief, for my eyes would water so terribly that it would force them shut. this is how my mind feels when it has been long too idle. today it was unendurable; i decided to reread the first few chapters of daphne du maurier's rebecca.
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deadmomjokes · 3 years
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First time Stormlight Archives Read-thru: The Way of Kings Part One
Since I actually somehow made it through the library’s waitlist to get my Icarusian hands on a copy of this thing, and because I am a completionist who cannot leave character arcs unfinished, I’m dragging y’all with me on this adventure that I guarantee you doesn’t need to be this long.
Yes I’m salty about it and it’s gonna take some serious literary magic to make me NOT salty about it because trying to hold this book at a decent angle activated my carpal tunnel issues and now I can’t feel my pinky finger and my thumb is tingling. So yeah. It better be worth it.
Anyway, we just finished Part One. Wait, “we” you ask? Oh yeah, my husband loves worldbuilding and hard magic systems, so we’re taking turns reading chapters aloud so that we don’t have to hold onto the book twice as long so we can both read it, and we can keep reminding each other of what’s what.
ANYWAY, we just finished Part One, so have my thoughts, positives, negatives, and overall impressions. Then get your road trip snacks because like I said, I don’t do things halfway and I already started this journey so here we mcfreakin go I guess.
The Good Stuff
There’s some pretty good lines so far.
B. Sandy actually appears to know what he’s talking about with drawing and sewing? Wild.
I’m digging how the currency system is, like, also functional. The pieces of currency act as lights and power sources and stuff. Neat.
The two main characters from this section are: depressed mom friend and his Conscience, and a snarky nerd with delusions of criminal grandeur, and between them they have exactly 0.84 brain cells. These all belong to Jiminy Cricket the literal airhead the Conscience.
Depressed softboy who just wants to be a good big brother? Well darn it, you found my weakness. I’ll pull up my “adoption papers” folder.
Each chapter from a new POV has a unique voice. Rather hard to pull off in writing, but very clearly and expertly done here.
I have some questions moving forward, which is always a plus. However...
The Bad Stuff
I really, REALLY don’t like feeling like I’m the dumbest person in the room. While he did manage to avoid infodumping, Mr. Sanderson also managed to make me feel like I’m missing vital information at basically every turn. And not in the “ooh, what a mystery” kind of way-- in the “what the freak am looking at, I have zero idea what you’re describing because you’re using in-universe jargon.” This piecemeal revelation thing works for the characters’ stories and plots; I’m all for that! I’m intrigued at what’s up with Ms. Davar, and exactly how Kal ended up where he is, what’s up with the war, etc. The problem is with handling the worldbuilding this way when you’re trying to situate these mystery plots in said world. It is not immersive for me; it is distracting, frustrating, and makes it hard for me to focus on the story. A few points handled this way would have been fine, but I lost track of how many times I had to stop and groan because yet another new term was getting lobbed at me and my comprehension of the situation depended on having an understanding of the world which he just hadn’t given us yet. I’m really over it.
I get that we were trying to establish her character, but I could have done without these lead-up chapters with Shallan. I wasn’t at all as interested in her as I was with Kaladin. We could have learned all that we needed-- her family situation, her big plan, her big mouth, her skills, her mysterious past and the weird stuff about her father that we still haven’t learned fully yet-- in media res when she’s already Jasnah’s ward. It felt kind of tire-spinny, though I admit it was fun at times.
The sentences and wording get sticky at times. Especially with reading it out loud, there are quite a few places that make my brain stumble because the words sound wrong next to each other, or the same word appears in the sentence too many times, and so on.
There’s a lot going on that just isn’t important. This ties back in to the first point, but we’re getting so much information about this world that it becomes tiring and tiresome to keep track of all the different things we’re learning about-- cultural rules around slaves, ‘safehands’, eye color, and so on; ‘fabrials’; the currency denominations; a whole religious system, some of which appears to be important but also has a bunch of tiddly little details that don’t; a caste system; a military structure; however the freak the ecosystem works and all the different animals and plants; the weather systems; etc ad nauseum. How much of this is important to know? I don’t know! That’s what’s frustrating about it! So much of it seems like by-the-way kind of stuff, but some of it could end up being important, so here I am wondering what’s gonna be on the quiz and what’s just for fun.
Impressions and Thoughts
Why must carcinization haunt me even in escapist fantasy?
Am not a fan of the phrase “skyeels” and “poisonous skyeels.” Don’t like that one bit.
Dudes are religiously required to be himbos, and girls are religiously expected to be scholars and nerds. Am love.
I’m getting increasingly concerned by the death-blood-collection ominous mystery quotes at the beginning of each chapter.
I’ve only known Sylphrena for a day and a half but if anything happens to her I would.... Not.... Not harm anyone or myself because she would be sad. 😭
I was warned about “suicidal ideation” being a thing, but I’m going to put a little brighter of a warning label on that and say that if anyone is about to read this and gets upset or triggered by suicidal ideation, plans, and attempts, be very careful and know that’s kind of all a thing. Not sure how much a thing it’ll be moving forward, I’m hoping “not”, but, yeah. That was an attempt, not just ideation, tho I’m grateful for the person who warned me because if it had come out of nowhere instead of just being a step further than what I expected, I’d be really, really not okay.
Yalb is the real MVP.
Verdict Thus Far
On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is “I will actually find strength to abandon this book because I’m so done” and 10 is “I’m willing to give up sleep to read more,” I’m sitting at a 6.5 right now. Good, and I’m looking forward to continuing, but I have a little ways to go before I’m hooked. But thumbs up, thanks for convincing me! (from everyone except my tingling numb fingers, I should have tried the ebook instead -_-)
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sage-nebula · 3 years
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Game Review — Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity
Well, it’s that time. While some might already know at least a good chunk of my feelings due to one or two posts I’ve made while playing, I’ve now beaten the newest Hyrule Warriors game (at least in terms of the main story + secret ending) and I think it’s time for me to write up a review. 
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Overall Score: 5.5/10
I know there are probably at least a few Legend of Zelda fans out there who want to tear me apart right now, but I urge them to actually read everything I have to say before they do. I’ve been a fan of this series since I was nine years old (I started with Ocarina of Time and Link’s Awakening simultaneously), and while my favorite Zelda game was Majora’s Mask for a very long time, Breath of the Wild unseated it and also took the spot as my favorite video game of all time, period. Thus, my expectations for this game were already pretty high, and the fact that Nintendo lied in the marketing . . . well, we’ll get to that. But overall the point that I’m trying to make is that I am a diehard Legend of Zelda fan, and I did like the original Hyrule Warriors as well, so this isn’t a case of “she just doesn’t like Zelda” or “she just doesn’t like Hyrule Warriors.” I promise my opinions are more educated than that. So with that said, let’s get to it (under a cut / on my blog for formatting reasons).
The Pros:
The little touches to make sure that Age of Calamity felt like it belonged in the same realm as Breath of the Wild made my heart sing the moment I first played the demo. Hearing the same menu sounds, seeing the same UI — all of that made me feel like I was returning home, and I really hadn’t realized just how much I missed the world of Breath of the Wild until that moment. While it is a Hyrule Warriors game for sure, it’s clear that they didn’t want to make it “Hyrule Warriors 2″ as much as they wanted to make it a Zelda game befitting Breath of the Wild, and I really appreciated the respect that went into that.
Overall, the voice acting was pretty top notch. Zelda’s voice still bothers me—there are times when she sounds okay, but I still wish they’d chosen a different actress to voice her—and Riju’s voice was a little weird, but overall the voice acting was just as good as it was in Breath of the Wild and I was happy to see every single cutscene voiced.
They put a lot of effort into giving everyone distinctive playstyles, even when it came to two characters of the same race who use the same weapons (e.g. Revali and Teba). The Neo Champions weren’t just clones of the previous Champions; rather, they stood out in their playstyle so that while you might like playing as one, perhaps you don’t like the other as much. (For instance, I hated playing as Revali, but Teba was very fun to play as.) And while I did stick with Link most of the time, there were enough characters that I really enjoyed playing as that it was no problem at all to me when I needed to switch characters mid-battle. In particular, I really loved playing as Impa and Urbosa aside from Link, with Riju, Zelda, and Teba as backups.
The music was incredible, but that’s to be expected from a Zelda game, let’s be honest. Of particular note is this track, which filled my heart with awe every time I heard it due to the inclusion of the Song of the Hero (seriously, when that choir kicks in at about 1:45 . . . [chef’s kiss]). But really, the entire soundtrack was incredible. I don’t think there was a single bad song. Which, again, is typical of a Zelda game, but I still feel it bears note.
Being able to pilot the Divine Beasts was AWESOME, no doubt about it. The best one (in my opinion) was Vah Naboris, followed by Vah Medoh. Vah Medoh was the easiest to use, but Vah Naboris was the most fun. After that comes Vah Ruta, which seemed always on the verge of dying, and then Vah Rudania. I just didn’t have as much fun with those two.
As far as I can tell, there aren’t any Points of No Return as far as the overworld quests go. While this does offer a gameplay and story segregation break (e.g. you can still face the Yiga as enemies even after they join you), at the same time I like it because you have to complete all the quests to get 100% completion, and it’d be rather awful if quests were deleted / cut off after a certain story point without warning.
Similarly, you can replay even main story quests at any time, which is useful for gathering materials you might need for other quests (or gathering apples which you need for healing and which, for some reason—I’ll save this for a later section).
The Neutrals:
Terrako. I just . . . okay. On the one hand, I hate Terrako because it is the catalyst for all the bullshit that happens in the plot, and the fact that Terrako was actually the most important one all along is annoying af. (Who will be key in defeating Calamity Ganon: The Hero & Princess of prophecy, or one eggy boi? The answer may surprise you!) But on the other hand, Terrako actually has a personality and is kind of cute as hell, and it was really sad when he succumbed to the brainwashing and you had to murder him. The memories Zelda has of King Rhoam taking Terrako away when she was a child as she sobbed and screamed for him to stop were also painful. So it’s like, I would like Terrako if, say, he’d been introduced in Breath of the Wild 2 as a tiny Guardian that Zelda built after the events of Breath of the Wild as like, a little companion / pet of sorts. In theory I like him as Zelda and Link’s child. On the other, I hate its role in this game, so I have really complicated feelings on Terrako over all. (I also apparently can’t decide which pronouns to use, but somehow I get the feeling that Terrako doesn’t even know what pronouns are and thus probably wouldn’t care.)
While the missions themselves were usually fun, the gameplay really isn’t friendly to anyone with any sort of carpal tunnel or anything similar. That is to say, a little bit of button mashing like this game’s gameplay requires made my thumb and wrist ache something awful. As a result, while I did have fun playing, I also experienced pain playing, and so I can’t really decide if this is good or bad, especially since there at least was some strategy involved depending on who you chose to play as (yet I feel it was less finessed than in Breath of the Wild, but since it’s a Warriors game that’s not too surprising to me).
The missions were fun, but they followed a similar format to the first Hyrule Warriors where you were going to be doing the same tasks over and over and over in different missions (e.g. capture the outposts, etc). The one plus is that I feel there was a bit more variety here in that there were escort missions and the like too, but again, that wasn’t too much and so it could get a little tiring after a bit. 
It was nice being able to see a lot of characters from Breath of the Wild that I loved again, but honestly? I feel like it was mostly a wasted opportunity because none of them (at least no one in the main group) received any more development or fleshing out that we didn’t already see in Breath of the Wild. In fact, arguably they were flattened. Revali was an arrogant, argumentative jerk from start to finish, with none of the respect he had for Zelda or any softer sides showing through. We saw that Mipha had a crush on Link and that she was protective over Sidon, but we already saw that in the original game + Champion’s Ballad. We saw that Urbosa was caring, but again, we’d already seen that . . . and so on. This was an opportunity to delve into each of them deeper, but the game just rehashed what we already knew of them from the previous game rather than going into it in any more depth. Arguably the only ones we got to see more sides of were, of all characters, Kohga and Rhoam, and even that wasn’t much. So while it was nice to see these characters again and spend more time with them, I also feel that there was a major wasted opportunity in terms of writing and characterization, particularly since we never saw any major bonding moments with them unlike what we saw in the Champion’s Ballad on photo day.
I LOVED Purah, but I was insanely disappointed that she wasn’t a playable character. At first I thought it might be because they didn’t want to give us two Sheikah, but they were fine giving us two Rito, two Zora, etc, so I don’t see why Purah couldn’t have been playable. Yeah, she’s a scientist, but she’s also a freaking ninja. You can’t tell me she wouldn’t be able to defend herself. So while I’m happy that she had such a big role in the plot (bigger than Robbie, arguably), it disappoints me that we weren’t able to play as her.
Astor is a fascinating character, and I feel it’s at least heavily implied that he was the oracle who foretold Calamity Ganon’s return in the actual timeline. But that’s not specified and we really don’t learn anything about him other than Ganon apparently chose Astor himself, and wanted to use him as his right-hand, so that was a bit of a letdown all things considered. If he was the prophet, why didn’t Rhoam say anything? And how could Calamity Ganon choose Astor from the Dark World, or wherever he was sealed this time? Before playing my original thought was that Astor was basically like Agahnim — that is, a manifestation of Ganon that he uses to act while he’s still sealed in the Dark World, rather than an actual person who exists. But that doesn’t seem to have been the case, so . . . who knows.
Some of the maps could be really frustrating, in that the path to take either wasn’t clear enough or there were gates closed with no clear clues on how to open them, blocking off an outpost you needed to get it. My method of getting around this was usually to tell one of the A.I. characters to go there and then follow them (or switch to another character and tell the character I had been playing with to go there and trust the A.I. to accomplish it, etc) but it was still pretty annoying. That said, at least there were ways around it, and the maps themselves tended to be pretty big and well detailed, so I don’t hate the map design too terribly.
Did Sooga die? I honestly could not tell. On the one hand, it sure seemed like he died considering he was never again shown in a cutscene after Astor betrayed the Yiga Clan. On the other, I seem to vaguely remember seeing him on the battlefield sometimes and I find it very strange that Kohga wouldn’t mention wanting to avenge Sooga in particular if he was dead. But I honestly couldn’t figure out whether Sooga was dead or alive, so this goes in the neutral category for now because I don’t know whether to be mad about it or not.
The Cons:
NINTENDO. FUCKING. LIED. ABOUT WHAT. THIS GAME. WAS SUPPOSED. TO BE. Yes, that needed to be bolded, and yes, it needed to be in all caps. Nintendo advertised Age of Calamity as a canon prequel to Breath of the Wild. They did it over, and over, and over again. And do you know what? They lied! Because Age of Calamity is not, and could never be, a canon prequel to Breath of the Wild. It can’t be, because it’s an Everybody Lives AU that negates Breath of the Wild in its entirety. And as someone who downloaded the demo thinking that this was going to be a canon prequel—as someone who tried to hold out hope for that even with the warning signs in the demo—that made me really angry, upset, and concerned about the canon sequel. Because you see, Breath of the Wild merged the original three timelines so that we wouldn’t have to deal with split timeline nonsense anymore. But now Nintendo, for some incomprehensible reason given that Aonuma himself was allegedly the one who didn’t want to have to deal with split timelines anymore, went ahead and created a new one. And my concern is whether any of the bullshit that happened in Age of Calamity will affect Breath of the Wild 2 or not. Realistically it shouldn’t, given that Age of Calamity can’t lead into Breath of the Wild at all. But with the Neo Champions having gone to Age of Calamity to help them, I have concerns. Major concerns. If Age of Calamity affects Breath of the Wild 2 in any way, I’m going to be livid. And before I continue, let me just take a moment to say this: It’s not that I wanted to see the Champions be murdered, per se. I love all four of the Champions and I think that their deaths were absolutely tragic. But at the same time, that was kind of the entire point, or at least part of it. The fall of Hyrule and the death of the Champions were traumatic scars on the land. Countless people died that day, on top of the Champions being murdered in their Divine Beasts. Link himself technically died, or at least very nearly did. Entire villages were wiped out. You can still see those ruins on the landscape, untouched, crawling with monsters. But despite that, over the past 100 years, Hyrule has rebuilt. People are still alive, and are still thriving in different villages across the landscape. Many have not forgotten the past, especially those who had sent Champions to defend Hyrule 100 years ago. But they’ve still continued living, and in that, have refused to let Calamity Ganon defeat them. Moreover, the battle from 100 years ago is not finished yet. Zelda has trapped Ganon in the castle with her and waits for Link to come help her finish things, which they do. The Champions died, but Hyrule did not lose. Hyrule put the battle on pause until they could win, which they did. Breath of the Wild, through having a massive tragedy take place in its backstory, gives us a tale about how victory can be grasped from the ashes, about how you can be broken, but not beaten, and how you can still push yourself up and win no matter how long it takes. That is a beautiful, a powerful story, and taking the Everybody Lives route completely demolishes that.  So suffice it to say, I thought the story presented in Age of Calamity was complete garbage.
But honestly, it isn’t just the story completely demolishing and trashing all over the themes of Breath of the Wild that makes it bad, but it’s also what was done with the characters. There were so many pointless retcons of established story and character elements that were thrown completely out the window that a.) destroyed character relationships and b.) flattened characters and took away what made them well-written in the first place. As just a few examples: — It is established in Creating a Champion (the Breath of the Wild compendium) that Link pulled the Master Sword from its pedestal when he was around 11 or 12 years old, and thus was known to be the Hero from that point forward. Note that he had already been in the knights at this point; we know from Mipha’s diary in the original game that he visited Zora’s Domain as a small child and was already sparring with adult knights at that time (which seems crazy, but he is the Hero, so). Nevertheless, being the Hero made Link realize just how much was riding on him, and how everyone in the kingdom was now looking to him as the Hero who would save them, personally. This caused Link to completely shut down his emotions out of anxiety of letting the people down or disappointing them in any way. He also stopped talking for the most part, again afraid that he would say the wrong thing and disappoint everyone. But in Age of Calamity, this is thrown out the window. From a gameplay perspective I get that perhaps they didn’t want you to have the Master Sword at the start, but since you can keep strengthening the Master Sword anyway there’s no reason why they couldn’t have just started it off as a kind of weak weapon that you power up over time. More importantly though is that Link has the same exact personality that he had in the memories in Breath of the Wild, even though he is not the Hero at the start of the game. I mean, he is, but no one knows that yet, and as such he has no reason to be stoic and silent, because his reason for being that way in Breath of the Wild’s backstory is completely gone. We could have gotten to see a goofier, more personable Link (even if they still wanted to keep him mostly silent), but instead we got a stoic, silent Link for literally no reason. It makes absolutely no sense.  — As an added contradiction to the above, Mipha tells Link in Age of Calamity that he “hasn’t changed a bit” when they meet again in Zora’s Domain. This is in direct contrast to her diary, wherein she notes that the wild boy she met when they were both children has changed completely when they meet again as teenagers into someone stolid, though she’s not aware of the reason why. So once again, they doubled down on removing backstory that made Link into a more complex, well-written character. — To that end, Link and Zelda’s relationship is also rewritten entirely (and by rewritten, I mean “had all complexity stripped from it and with it any meaningful development). Since Link is appointed Zelda’s personal knight because he fights well instead of because he’s the Hero, Zelda has absolutely no reason to resent him being appointed her knight here like she did in the original history. You see, in the original history, Zelda resented Link for seemingly stepping into his destiny with zero effort given, and also thought (because of her own insecurities and the rumors that Rhoam told her to her face were being circulated about her being “heir to a throne of nothing”) that he looked down on her for not being able to awaken her powers and step into hers. For this reason, she spent most of her time either avoiding him or yelling at him, though she notes in her diary that she feels bad for doing so because she knows that it’s not fair of her to treat him badly when he’s technically just trying to do his job. It’s not until he saves her from Yiga assassins that she starts to do a hard reassessment of her treatment of him, and starts to try to get to know him better . . . which results in her getting him to open up to her, and her being able to open up to him in turn, and both of them becoming each other’s confidant. This in turn makes it understandable when it’s Link’s near death which finally allows Zelda to come into her powers; on top of having lost everyone and seemingly everything else, Zelda saw the one person she could be vulnerable in front of about to die protecting her. Link was so important to her by that point, regardless of whether you see her feelings for him as romantic or not, because he supported her emotionally on top of being there for her in physical defense. That is why her powers awakened when they did, why he was the final trigger. But in Age of Calamity, none of that happens. Zelda doesn’t resent Link because he’s not the Hero at the time he’s appointed her personal knight. Even when he gets the Master Sword later, Zelda is just sad about it rather than holding any sort of resentment or anger toward him. We never see them bond or become close; unlike in Breath of the Wild, where we have memories of Zelda trying to feed him a frog, opening a conversation about fate and destiny and whether one could make a choice in opposition to those things, or scolding him while patching up his wounds, all we get here are repeated scenes of Link defending Zelda from attacks. That’s it. We never see her have any sort of actual conversation with him, we never see them bond or have any non-battle related moments together. We certainly never get an indication that Link opens up to her either, which means that each time he protects her here it’s less “I’m protecting the one person who I’ve been able to open up to about who I really am” and more “it’s all about my paycheck.” Link and Zelda’s relationship, whether you saw it as romantic or not, was the core relationship in Breath of the Wild. And yet, in an alleged prequel (that wasn’t really a prequel after all!), it’s pretty much nonexistent.  — Moreover, Zelda’s character gets flattened, too. Here’s the thing about Zelda in Breath of the Wild: She’s written like a real person. She has many good qualities (selfless, devoted, intelligent), but also many flaws (stubborn, short-tempered, quick to judgement). The way Zelda decided she knew all she needed to know about Link right away and reacted accordingly (and by “reacted accordingly” I mean “treated him badly”) was a result of her flaws. But Zelda realizing that what she was doing was wrong and endeavoring to make things right was a direct result of her good qualities. Breath of the Wild’s Zelda is not a perfect person, not because she has a difficult time unlocking her powers (pretty much anyone would in her position, she was dealt the shittiest hand in the world), but because she’s a realistic person who has flaws and makes mistakes and is just doing her best in a world that is determined to knock her down at any opportunity. As a result, we see a lot of emotional range from Zelda throughout the memories in Breath of the Wild. We see her curious and inquisitive, we see her frustrated, we see her sad, anxious, angry, playful, determined, loving, impatient, brave. She’s a compelling character because she is a character, rather than the Deus Ex Machina perfect princess who exists only to either be rescued or be a holy figure who seals away the evil at the end. (Which I mean, she does seal away the evil at the end, but that’s far and away not the only thing she does.)  But in Age of Calamity we see . . . basically none of that. There are very brief moments where Zelda is curious about technology, or where she daintily laughs at something Terrako does. She does get determination and her anxieties wiped away after she awakens her power near the end. But for 90% of the game all we see from her is her being anxious or sad about her power. We don’t see her get irrationally resentful of or angry toward Link. We don’t see her getting impatient, making hasty judgments about people or animals (remember, she also judged her horse as unworthy of the royal bridle before Link helped her learn how to bond with her horse properly), or doing mischievous things like trying to make her personal knight eat a frog for Science. I’m going to be perfectly honest with you: While I deeply felt for Zelda in the flashbacks of Breath of the Wild, I got tired of her constant “:( I’m useless :(” angst in Age of Calamity. It got old pretty quickly. And most of all, I was so disappointed to see that the character I loved was now just here to be a woobie, rescued by Link half a dozen times and sad for most of the story. Breath of the Wild’s Zelda is my favorite Zelda, and she was done such an injustice in this game. It was immensely disappointing.  — Link and Zelda were not the only issues here, though. The way the Yiga Clan also needs to be talked about, and in order to discuss them, I have to first remind everyone of their history. So. 10,000 years ago. Civilization was thriving thanks to Sheikah scientists and innovators, who created things such as the Sheikah Slate, the Guardians, and the Divine Beasts. It was this technology that allowed Hyrule to triumph over Calamity Ganon the first time he came around to play (or at least that time that he came around to play), and they won pretty handily at that. However, the Hyrulean King at the time quickly grew suspicious and fearful of the Sheikah. Although the Sheikah had faithfully served the Hyrulean Royal Family for milennia due to their goddess-given oaths, the King of Hyrule felt that the Sheikah not only could, but would use their technology to rebel against Hyrule and dismantle the Royal Family. As a result, he: - Exiled the Sheikah from Central Hyrule, as well as any villages or towns where Hylians lived. - Criminalized Sheikah technology, which included imprisoning (or even executing) any Sheikah known to be conducting scientific research, as well as destroying Sheikah technology (or burying what could not be destroyed, such as the Divine Beasts and Guardians).  - Essentially legalized Sheikah oppression. The people of Hyrule backed the king in his decree, for the most part, buying into the bigotry and prejudice that spurred it on. The Sheikah had everything taken from them and destroyed: their homes, their research, their artifacts, everything. And while some Sheikah remained loyal to the oaths they swore to the goddesses and decided to keep peacefully in a newly formed, yet secret out of fear of retaliation, village (Kakariko), another group of Sheikah were rightfully fucking pissed at being oppressed and subjugated for no good reason, especially right after they helped save the world. Their opinion on the matter was “fuck that guy, AND his entire family.” These Sheikah became known as the Yiga Clan. Now, why they felt it was a good idea to side with Calamity Ganon is not entirely clear, given that destroying the world would also mean destroying them. But I think that on top of being furious with the Royal Family for this betrayal, they were also furious with the goddesses, because not a single goddess stepped in to defend them when they were being betrayed and oppressed. The Sheikah had kept loyal to their oaths for millennia, and yet this was how they were repaid. If you think about it like that, then the Yiga siding with the one who would destroy everything and everyone the goddesses had ever created makes a twisted kind of sense, even though it assures their own destruction right along with it. And now that we’ve refreshed that backstory . . . let us visit what happens with the Yiga in Age of Calamity. So. First, we see that Astor is the one who has convinced Kohga to go along with reviving Calamity Ganon, even though that doesn’t really make sense since serving Calamity Ganon has kind of been the Yiga’s thing from the get-go, and that they didn’t hate Zelda and Link because Astor told them to, but rather because Zelda was a member of the Royal Family (a.k.a. the people the Yiga have held a grudge against for 10,000 years), and Link is the knight defending her / the Hero. Next, we see that they’re completely aimless without instructions from Astor, which again, doesn’t really make sense considering their goals have always been pretty clear and they’ve been a tightly-run organization from the beginning no matter how bumbling Kohga is. Finally, Age of Calamity has them join the Royal Family and heroes despite this being the antithesis of what they’ve been devoted to for, again, 10,000 years.  And here’s the problem with that: In Age of Calamity, Kohga’s alleged reasoning for wanting to join with Zelda (and bowing to her, what the fuck) is because Astor used Yiga Clan foot soldiers (and I think Sooga? It was unclear) to fuel Evil Terrako to resurrect Calamity Ganon. Kohga felt betrayed by this and thus decided to take Astor down. Given that the Yiga Clan have been established to hold grudges over betrayal for millennia, Kohga turning on Astor makes sense. However, it was also already established that the Yiga wanted to revive Calamity Ganon to destroy the entire damn world even though it would mean their deaths as well, because they hated the Royal Family and goddesses just that much. So Kohga deciding to join the Royal Family, and actually bowing to Zelda, makes absolutely zero sense and cannot be excused just because they gave him a line about gagging at the fact that he joined up with Zelda. It’s a complete dismissal of and slap in the face to the legitimate reasons that the Yiga Clan had for defecting from the Sheikah, and does absolutely nothing to address the oppression the Sheikah people suffered as a direct result of the Hyrulean Royal Family’s laws. And yes, that was 10,000 years ago and Zelda herself had nothing to do with it, but we also have little evidence that the current Royal Family has done anything to change it, at least for reasons other than their own benefit. It’s stated in Creating a Champion that King Rhoam was the first king since then to reach out to the Sheikah to try to repair that relationship, and that he only did so when the prophecy about Calamity Ganon rising again was made. Moreover, he made sure to keep a very tight watch on the Sheikah scientists, indicating that he still may not trust them. So whiel the actual betrayal was 10,000 years ago, it’s clear that the Royal Family has not once in 10,000 years attempted to genuinely make up for the oppression that was forced upon the Sheikah, and so the Yiga Clan have every right to still be absolutely fucking furious about it. I can’t blame them for that at all, and I hated seeing Kohga bow to Zelda like that for that reason. (All of this said, no, it doesn’t excuse their other bastardry, such as stealing the Thunder Helm, or murdering the wife of someone who tried to peacefully defect and then threatening to also murder his young children if he didn’t continue to do Yiga missions. The Yiga do some truly fucked up things and that bastardry is not excused by their sad history. However, when it comes to the Royal Family their resentment and fury makes sense, and I hate that this wasn’t addressed in a game that wanted you to team up with the Yiga. They’re not the haha funny bad guys, they’re people who had a legitimate reason to be furious, and the Sheikah as a whole were never given anything remotely close to reparations by the Hyrulean Royal Family. This is something I hope is addressed in Breath of the Wild 2, although my expectations for that are pretty low.) — Finally, while a much lesser note than all of the above, I also found Riju’s characterization to be questionable. I might be misremembering her small part in Breath of the Wild, but while we learn from her diary that she does have some doubts about her ability to lead the Gerudo at her age (particularly given that the Thunder Helm was stolen from her), I don’t remember her having such low confidence, or being so meek so that she would constantly need Urbosa supporting her. I feel like they may have characterized her that way because she’s a child, which I mean, I guess I understand, but it just felt like an alteration of her character to me. I could be wrong since it’s been a while since I played through that part of Breath of the Wild, but that aspect of her character just felt off to me.
Moving on from the story and the characters, I also have to say that the amount of graphical inconsistencies in this game were really just . . . impressive in number. I’m talking specifically about Link’s different outfits, and whether he would actually be wearing them in cutscenes or not, because honestly? You could never know if he was going to be in the outfit you put him in, or if he was going to be in the Default Outfit for any given cutscene. I get the feeling that the difference lies somewhere in-between whether something was a pre-rendered cutscene or like, a quick time event one, but nonetheless it just felt incredibly sloppy and kind of defeated the purpose, at times, of being able to dress Link how you wanted him.
I had issues with the gameplay at times as well, apart from what I already mentioned before. Namely, I found it incredibly frustrating how sometimes, despite being locked on to an enemy, the Sheikah Slate apps wouldn’t actually target that enemy (e.g. Stasis activating on a bokoblin instead of the targeted attacking Lynel). Similarly, I wasn’t a fan of how A.I. characters couldn’t be easily pointed around the map at times, refusing to go to certain locations until you swtiched to them and forced them to go there (e.g. when you had to manually make them jump down to the field during the Akkala Citadel battle).
Why in the actual hell can you not a.) eat ingredients other than apples during battle to heal, and b.) BUY APPLES LIKE ANY OTHER INGREDIENT? Holy fuck it was so goddamn annoying having to go into random battles to try and scrounge up apples from crates and boxes, and only really being able to do it from lower level battles because higher level battles wouldn’t give them as readily to "increase difficulty” (more like to increase frustration). I see no reason why you couldn’t purchase apples from shops, or eat other food items like berries or fish like you could in Breath of the Wild. Apples didn’t even heal that much health, so you had to mash several of them at once late game, and you could only hold a small number and couldn’t buy more . . . frustrating. Just absolutely frustrating for no good reason. (Like if it was a harder difficulty restriction I’d understand, but for normal difficulty? Jeez.)
All in all, if Nintendo had just been upfront and honest about this being an alternate universe game from the very start, I probably wouldn’t have been as furious as the story as I was. I would have still been disappointed, but the anger wouldn’t have been there at the very least. But the weren’t honest—they lied in order to get people to buy the game, and so that dragged the score down along with everything else. While I did like some aspects of this game, overall I feel that it could have been so much better, and all I can hope is that none of it affects Breath of the Wild 2 in any way, shape, or form.
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princecupcakee · 4 years
Text
Park Bench | Reddie
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Read on AO3
Rating: E
Pairing: Richie Tozier/Eddie Kaspbrak
Word Count: 3,320
Chapter: 2/8
Past Chapters: Chapter 1 (AO3)
Next Chapters: Chapter 3 (AO3), Chapter 4 (AO3)
Summary: Recently divorced and ‘incapable of love’, Eddie Kaspbrak moves to Los Angeles for work and a small, small hope of a fresh start. Broken up and never dated again, Richie Tozier tries to get back into love with help from his love of music. Quickly meeting eyes and one concert later, they think that maybe love isn’t that bad. So they try it one more time.
Chapter 2: What If Eddie Kaspbrak Was?, What If Richie Tozier Wasn’t? & Richie Tozier And Eddie Kaspbrak Have Breakfast 
Tags/Warnings: Angst / Unhappy Ending / theres only one sex scene but this is explicit anyway / Bisexual Richie Tozier / Gay Eddie Kaspbrak / Post-Divorce / Implied/Referenced Cheating / Inspired By Remembering Sunday (All Time Low) / Inspired by The Book Ninja by Ali Berg / Implied/Referenced Child Abuse / Implied/Referenced Abuse / Implied/Referenced Manipulation
Tag-list: @richietoaster​, @s-s-georgie​, @mikeuris​, @gazebobullshit​, @that-weird-girls-blog​, @tozierking​​​, @thoughtfullyyoungduck​, @s-onora​, @bellarosewrites​, @lermanslogan​, @ambitiousskychild​, @ghostnebula​, @vanillaredvelvet​,
(Ask if you wanna be on the tag-list!!)
Chapter 2
What If Eddie Kaspbrak Was?
He loves Beverly, he really does, but right now, in this gigantic crowd of people, he hates her. Really, really hates her. He thinks that everything and everyone (mildly excluding Ben, Beverly, Bill, Mike, and Mr. cute-Hawaiian-shirt guy-with-huge glasses-who’s-name-is-apparently-Richie) is out to kill him. Two groups of teenagers tried to sell him drugs, or something —he wouldn’t know. He ran away before they could say anything.
It was loud, and hot, and made Eddie, really, really uncomfortable. As much as he tried to avoid the touches of every person jumping around to whatever incomprehensible song was being shouted —yes, he meant shouted — it was too cramped. “You okay there?” Eddie heard a voice behind him ask, loudly. As he looked in that direction, Eddie decided that speaking would be useless, so he simply shook his head. He let Mr. cute-Hawaiian-shirt guy-with-huge glasses-who’s-name-is-apparently-Richie or, simply, Richie, take his hand and lead him out. “You looked really uncomfortable,” Richie smiled, laughing a bit.
“Uh, yeah, don’t do that well with big crowds and everything,” Eddie shrugged, attempting to look ‘cool.’
Richie laughed, “Lets go.”
“But, the concert?”
“I’ve seen ‘em before,” Richie shook his head, “I’ll take you back home, its pretty late anyway.”
“Thanks,” Eddie smiled as he took Richie’s outstretched hand.
“Where is your place?” Richie asked him, crossing the pedestrian.
“I uh, live with Ben and Bev.”
“That mansion? Well, I guess when the husband is an architect and the wife is a designer you get the Buckingham fucking Palace.” Eddie laughed at that (as much as he tried to hide it.)
“But, yeah, I’m staying at Ben and Bev’s while I’m here.”
“While you’re here?” Richie nods
“I don’t live in LA, I’m from New York,” Eddie replied.
“I didn’t think you were from here,” Richie smiled, walking backward to face Eddie.
“That’s dangerous.”
“And thats,” Richie points at Eddie “no fun.”
Eddie rolled his eyes, moving away from the topic, “Its like you guys have your own planet here,” he says, scanning the scenery.
“Says the New Yorker,” Richie said sarcastically.
Eddie gave him a questioning look, trying to hide a smile. “You know, all the big pretty buildings and broadway, and all the big movies,” Richie jokes in a horrible Brooklyn accent.
“Don’t-don’t do that,” Eddie shakes his head.
“Thats my career.” Richie grinned walking into the subway.
Eddie ignored that, “I thought LA was all cars?” He asked.
“It is. I’m doing a kind of project thing though,” Richie smiles talking Eddie’s hand. That slightly throwing Eddie off. “See?” Richie points to a vinyl (yes, Eddie learned the word) with their intertwined fingers.
“I don’t think I understand,” Eddie says looking at Richie.
“I don’t think you need to,” Richie winks, seating Eddie further from the vinyl.
“For a comedian, you’re not funny.”
“Come to one of my shows then. Got one tomorrow night.” Richie winks.
“Sure.”
Richie stops himself before he says ‘its a date.’
“Where did you go?” Beverly asked Eddie as he walked into the kitchen where the rest of the group was standing.
“I went back here,” Eddie says, avoiding eye contact with anyone in the room as he holds back a ‘and kind of got a date. Kind of. Well, no it isn’t a date. I’m just gonna watch his show-’
“Richie ‘went back here,’ too?”
“Oh- no, he just… it was really late and he-he walked and rode the train with me back here.” Eddie replied. Ben, Beverly, Bill, and Mike all exchanged looks while he wasn’t looking. “I uh- speaking of Richie though, what does he even do?” He asked, trying to be subtle. Keyword: trying.
Ben tried to hide a laugh, “Besides working at the shop he does some comedy, I thought we told you already?”
“Yeah, yeah, uh anyway, does he even have shows?”
Deciding that he didn’t want this conversation to last too long since Eddie would never bring up what he really wants to say, “He’s got a show tomorrow n-night, I think,” Bill says looking at Ben and Beverly, “Think we can watch it?”
“Totally, its at a bar not too far from here,” Ben smiles.
“Yeah, sure, why not,” Eddie says quickly, thankful that his friends ‘didn’t’ notice how much he wanted to go.
~~~
Eddie was alone on Sunday morning, tired after the concert the night before, —despite not being there for half of it—and he woke up at around 10. His four other momentary housemates were out for the day on whatever they were planning on doing on a Sunday morning in Los Angeles —he wondered what there is to do. Which made Eddie feel painfully single, but also made him feel a little better. An abnormal creek came from downstairs he shut the door to his bedroom, ‘I must’ve just imagined it, I need coffee.’
A loud crash sound rang inside the house and followed Eddie to the first floor. He ran into the kitchen, grabbed the first thing he could find, and rushed toward the direction of the sound, prepared to hit. “Holy fuck, please no!” Richie shouted, hands above his head, dropping the coat rack he was trying to put straight back up. Eddie dropped the pan in his hands and sighed, relieved. “What the fuck is this? Tangled?” Richie laughed, breathlessly.
“Asshole. I thought there was some, I don’t know, a psychopathic- killer- clown that broke into the house out to kill me.”
“I- I’m not even gonna fucking ask.”
Eddie sighs and rolls his eyes, ”why are you here anyway?”
“Just picking up something, what are you doing here?” Richie asked, ‘well shit. Now I look like an idiot.’
“Told you. I’m staying here.” Eddie answered returning the pan to the kitchen.
“Uh, right,” Richie awkwardly said, wanting to fill the silence. As much as he wanted to ask, ‘are you coming to my show tonight?’ He didn’t and instead, “so, how’s your mom doing? She okay after last night?”
“Ew. That’s disgusting,” Eddie said his face scrunching up, “I, uh, I’m going.”
As if he read Richie’s mind he clarified, “I’m going to your show.”
“Neat.” Richie smiled widely, “uh no. Not neat. No! Not that is it’s ‘not neat’ for you to come to my show, I mean not neat. Like, not the word ‘neat’. Jeez. Uh—“
“Yeah, neat.” Eddie laughed, “weren’t you going to get something?” He knew he was winning this.
“Oh right, uh,” The man in glasses began to walk towards the library —it wasn’t actually a library just an extra room Ben and Beverly filled with books and music things (Eddie honestly didn't know what they were). Again, their house is fucking like a mansion— and Richie came out with vinyl in his hands, “they borrowed it,” He said shaking it.
“Have you heard it before?”
“I don’t think so,” Eddie says walking closer.
“Lets go then,” Richie smirks going back into the room, putting in the vinyl. ‘Sittin' in the kitchen, a house in Macon’ rang the player, ‘Loretta's singing on the radio’
"Smell of coffee, eggs, and bacon” Richie sung.
“What is that?” Eddie asked.
“‘Car Wheels On A Gravel Road’, Lucinda Williams,” Richie replied just as the same line played.
“What kind of song even is that? Its all guitar but not-”
“First, its country and rock. Alt-Country. Second, not all songs with guitars have to sound like ‘The Carpal Tunnel Of Love’ or something,”
“I don’t even wanna what that is,” Eddie rolled his eyes, looking at the player —he didn’t actually know what it was called.
“You live under a rock. Not even a single rock— you-you live in a fucking cave.”
“Half the people I know don’t know what that is.” But Richie was already picking up a new vinyl — ‘is that a fucking sheep?’ Eddie wondered once he saw the cover.
Richie set the —‘what the fuck is that’ Eddie thought— on a place over the vinyl. “We take sour sips from life's lush lips” Richie sung, smiling at Eddie.
“Its so loud. What the fuck is that?” Richie just kept on singing.
“Whoa-oh, we're so miserable and stunning,” Richie sang. As, much as Eddie didn’t want to admit it, he sounded amazing.
“This is so loud. I’m not doing this,” Eddie said walking out of the room. The song being loud was the reason, he promised. It wasn’t because he knew he would lose it if he kept going, it was just loud.
“Hey, what? Eddie, wait!” Richie said stopping the music and tripping over himself to get to the door. “Have you been walking through life with earplugs on? Jeez,” Richie checked his watch, “shit, I’m gonna head back to the store. I’ll see you tonight?”
Eddie thought his heart stopped for a moment, and then he remembered he was going to Richie’s show. Nothing more. Because it shouldn’t be anything more. “Yeah,” Eddie said, watching as Richie walked out the door.
~~~
Eddie was alone in his room Sunday night, (or Monday morning? He couldn’t tell) tired of laughing, tired of being so far away from Richie. His set was amazing (not that Eddie would tell him that.) So maybe he was feeling something. Maybe he was feeling a lot. That doesn’t mean he must fall into Richie's arms. Or should fall into his arms —he thinks that Richie definitely can his hands and shoulders and just his arms are so big. He knows he shouldn’t fall in love again. The last time didn’t do well for him, and he had known her for years before they even started dating. And much longer before they got married. He shouldn’t be feeling this. But what if he was?
What If Richie Tozier Wasn’t?
As he walked out of the door from the Marsh’s house, he headed for the trains once again. Something in his head was pulling him away, not wanting him to continue the project, but what if its what’s good for him? What if Eddie didn’t like him the same way? This might continue to be like Connor. I mean, they saw each other in the store and started talking after ditching a concert? Is that how love was supposed to go? How is love supposed to go? On the other hand, Ben and Bev seem to like him. He trusts Ben and Bev. He trusts Eddie. But what if Eddie shouldn’t be trusted? This was something all too fragile.
Richie walked into the train, looking down on the vinyl he played Eddie. He took out the Sharpie from his pocket prepared to write on ‘Car Wheels On A Gravel Road’ but then his phone let out a ‘ping’ He opened his phone to a group chat with Stan, Patty, Ben, and Bev called: ‘The Four Hets Who Help With The Vinyl Project Thing’ —Richie was also surprised that it fits there.
Patty: Good luck on your date today!!! Stan: Yeah, have fun, rich. Ben: Tell us everything once its done :) Ben: By the way, Stan and Patty, we’re almost there. Stan: See you guys. Bev: Thats great and I absolutely love that for you. But I thought you were with [redacted] [Bev Deleted a Message.]
Richie didn’t catch what Beverly had written, but if it was deleted it probably wasn’t important. Richie opened the mail app on his phone to see the email that got him this date again. He had gotten it the day after he left Hot Fuss on the train, and he, Patty, and Stan had eaten out that night.
Subject: I found your vinyl From: Adam Wilson <@AdAmWIlsOn> To: Richie Toz <@Remembering_Records> 
  ‘Hey, Richie. My name’s Adam. I found the Hot Fuss album you left on the train a few weeks ago. I used to love listening to The Killers but work took so much of my time that I didn’t get to listen to them much anymore, but when I listened to your album, I felt like I finally relaxed, you know? I absolutely love Mr. Brightside but Somebody Told Me is still running through my head (Smile Like You Mean it doesn’t even need to be said. Its perfect. Oh man but then there’s also All These Things That I’ve Done. The Killers are just perfect.)
I should probably tell you somethings about me. I’m a doctor. I moved here from Manchester, UK, around a week ago to start a new job. I also volunteer at animal shelters in my spare time.
If I don’t sound like a serial killer and you’re interested, I really would love a date.
P.S. Mr. Brightside or Miss Atomic Bomb?
Richie had replied to him simply and fairly quickly (he chose Mr. Brightside.) He was heading there now, over to a restaurant downtown. He looked back down at the vinyl in his hands, just as he remembered Eddie smile and laugh awkwardly when he didn’t know what was going on. There was something about Eddie. Richie had no clue what it was, or what it made him feel, but there was definitely something there. He’s never felt this way before. Not with his friends, not with his hookups, not with Connor. It isn’t that he didn’t like it. He just had to be careful with it.
On second thought, maybe he shouldn’t leave them in the subway. He has time to bring them home first, right?
~~~
Richie walked into the restaurant, almost an hour late. By the time he had gotten home, he and Adam were already supposed to be meeting up, since the train he was previously on was going in the opposite direction. He then decided that riding his car would be faster than taking the trains, but the traffic was unbearable. He had taken a few wrong turns heading to the restaurant, too. Not that he didn’t know the place, there was a concert a few streets away that blocked some of the streets. So, exactly 53 minutes and 20 seconds late for his date, he stood there. As expected, Adam wasn’t there anymore.
Richie walked into the backseat of his car, kicking the chair in front of him. Of course, he messed up his first date in years. Fucking years. The one guy was interested in him, now gone, because he- what was he even doing? If he just dropped the two pieces of vinyl, he could’ve gotten this date and would’ve had two or more possible other ones. He wouldn’t blame Eddie for this failed date. He couldn’t. That was all on him.
At least he picked a restaurant close to the bar he was doing his show at. Richie wiped at his tears and climbed into the front of the car. Driving down a few streets, he walked up to the ‘Golden Rookie’ sign at the front of his favourite bar. Taking a deep breath, and willing himself not to puke, he jogged backstage to see Riley rolling her eyes at him.
“Failed date,” Richie smiled jogging on to the stage.
“Hello and goodnight, everybody!” he began, earning applause from a few of the regulars. "So, I checked Twitter this morning and..." he began slightly walking around the stage. He scanned the room, and there, far at the back was Eddie Kaspbrak, slightly smiling at the stage. Eddie was still in his work clothes, a suit and tie. His grin somehow both left and widened the moment they caught eyes.
When Richie got home that night, he thought that his set was the best one he’s done in a while. He wondered why.
Richie Tozier And Eddie Kaspbrak Have Breakfast Eddie wondered what that sound was. It was loud, he didn’t think it was loud for anyone else. It sounded- it sounded like if a pebble hit glass without breaking it. Weird. Eddie looked around the room, the continuous clattering waking him up. “What the fuck is that?” He muttered, walking over to the window. Richie Tozier was standing outside his window, waving at him like a maniac. “What the fuck are you doing here? Its the middle of the night, Richie!” Eddie whispered loudly (he wondered how that worked) once he opened his window.
“Its actually Tuesday morning,” Richie smiled, “C’ mere!”
Eddie rolled his eyes, “go to the front fucking door.”
He changed clothes quickly, trying not to look like he fixed up before seeing Richie. What was he doing? Its the middle of the- its Monday morning, and he's going to go with a stranger to who knows where. He's probably going insane. This was probably a dream, why would this happen if he were awake? Though, a part of him wished it wasn't a dream.
Down the stairs and out the door on to the porch, “What the fuck Richie? Its,” he looked at his phone, “its five in the morning.” He saw a guitar around Richie’s shoulders, (huge shoulders) deciding not to ask.
Richie hummed in agreement. “Yeah, we’re getting breakfast,” Richie said as he locks fingers with Eddie.
“Its five in the morning,” Eddie repeated.
“We’re getting breakfast.”
“At… five in the fucking morning?”
“Yup. There’s a nice diner somewhere here, we can walk.”
“I hope you know I think you’re crazy. The sun isn’t even up.” Richie just nodded.
The two walked to the diner together in silence. Eddie wasn’t uncomfortable, just, surprised. There was a ‘comfortable’ silence between the two, Eddie never really had that before. He was always used to the controlling words, and reminders and the arguing with Myra. He didn’t see his friends much because of work, so when they would meet up, there was never silence. And now there’s Richie, who he barely knows anything about, holding his hand at a time too early, as they walk towards a diner in a city Eddie doesn’t even live in. ‘Its nice’ he thinks, as they walk into the diner. It surprises Eddie, how much it looks like the diners in movies. But everything (and everyone- some more than others) in Los Angeles surprise him. ‘Most things surprise me’, he guesses, ‘I don’t go out much.’ But he knew better than that.
The two took their orders hands still intertwined under the table. “Why are we here?” Eddie asked, now sitting across from Richie.
“Ask that again in,” Richie looked down at his watch, “In 32 minutes, and 19 seconds.”
“Thats weird, but you aren’t going to tell me anything about that until then.”
“Right. So, lets talk about something else. How’d you like my show?”
“You like your praise. Its not that bad.”
“Just ‘not that bad’?”
“Yup, just ‘not that bad.’”
“I had a clear view of you from the stage. I didn’t know you could smile, Eds.”
“Don’t call me ‘Eds.’ Not my name.”
“Whatever you say, Spaghetti,” Richie said as Eddie rolled his eyes, “Do you have work today?”
“Actually, no. Bill and Mike are doing all I need today since I covered them a few days ago. Why?”
“Mind if I borrowed you for the rest of the day?” Richie smirked. (Eddie wanted to hate that smirk, he really did, he just couldn’t.)
“Yes. I do mind. I need a break.”
“Exactly, I’m giving you the world’s best break.”
Eddie sighed, “Please don’t. I’m scared.”
“Come on, I know you missed me.”
“I didn’t. I really didn’t.” He did. “You know what, whatever. Just- why am I here?”
“Look out the window,” Richie nodded.
“Look out the- what?” Eddie said, confused. He turned his head and, "Woah."
Eddie saw, through the trees and the buildings on the horizon, a soft sunrise. Whoever painted the sky in the early mornings, Eddie praised them. “Its pretty, right?”
“Yeah,” Eddie stuttered, looking over at Richie, who was grinning widely.
“You should see the sunset after it rains. Its beautiful,” Richie held back, ‘kinda like you’.
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kingoftherookery · 5 years
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Brat (new fic!)
i finished it finally!!!!
tagging @pumpkin-demon since i promised
Sitting at his desk in his office, Dark sighed and stretched. He'd been hard at work since this morning, not allowing himself time for a break. Now his body was protesting his decision. The bones in his arms, fingers, and legs popped and protested from being in the same position for too long. He stretched his arms above his head, relishing in the feeling, and he carefully stretched his fingers to avoid carpal tunnel. Then it was back to work.
But not for long. The peace and quiet never lasts for long.
Anti poked his head through the door, giggling. He had a tendency to glitch halfway through things, mainly to just annoy Dark. Dark ignored him as the glitch pulled himself through the door.
“Oh, Darkipoo~,” he sang, creeping over to Dark's desk. Dark continued to ignore him, focusing on his paperwork. Anti pouted. “Darkipoo! Don't ignore me!” Anti leaned forward on Dark's desk, trying to get into Dark's line of vision.
Dark gritted his teeth. He hated the nickname Anti gave him. He also hated it when Anti needed attention.
Anti leaned on the desk with his elbows, putting his pouting face in front of Dark's face. Dark flipped up a stack of papers and set them on Anti's forehead, blocking his face. Anti huffed and sat back up.
“Dark!” he whined. “Pay attention to me!”
“Go away, Anti,” Dark said, his eyes not leaving the papers. “I'm busy.” Then with a flick of his hand, he swept Anti's feet from underneath him, causing the other to fall flat on his face on the floor.
Anti sat up on the floor, still pouting. Dark was always busy. No matter when Anti came in it was always the same thing: “Go away, Anti, I'm busy.” Anti was tired of Dark always being busy. He never had time for his boyfriend anymore.
Anti laid back on the floor and glared at the ceiling. There had to be a way for him to get Dark's attention.
The metaphorical light bulb went off in Anti's head. He grinned. What a wonderful idea!
He got up and walked behind Dark's chair, avoiding Dark's curious gaze. He set his arms over the back of the chair and onto Dark's shoulders. His hands massaged Dark's neck and shoulders with a steady rhythm.
“Anti, what are you doing?” Dark asked, his eyes not leaving the paper and his pen not stopping.
“Oh, I thought I'd just give you a little massage, Darkipoo,” Anti replied. “I know how stressed you get.”
Dark grunted. “What are you doing in here?”
“Oh, nothing,” Anti said, nonchalant. “Just thinking.”
“About what?” Anti could practically hear Dark's raised eyebrow in his tone.
Anti smirked and leaned to whisper into Dark's ear. “About your big, thick cock in my ass.”
The pen faltered a little bit, but kept going. “Oh?”
Anti hummed. “And your big, strong hands all over my body, easily pinning me down and making marks.”
The pen quavered again, stopping momentarily, only to continue again. “Is that so?”
“Mmhm,” Anti hummed. “I can't stop thinking about you making me beg to cum. Making me have to wait, and wait, and wait….”
There was a flurry of papers and the sound of a pen hitting the table or the floor. Then Dark turned his chair around so he could grab Anti by the hips and force him down into his lap. Anti could feel the growing bulge in Dark's pants, and he rocked his hips a little, to tease Dark more. Dark growled in warning, causing Anti to shiver. He leaned up and bit Anti's earlobe.
“You just love teasing me, don't you?” he growled.
Anti bit his lips to keep from moaning. Dark didn't know just what his voice did to him.
“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?”
Anti grinned cheekily and nipped at Dark’s ear. “I'm not sorry?”
Dark growled again. “Is that so?”
Anti yelped as Dark swung the chair around so Anti was propped up against the desk. Dark glared at him, his eyes burning, and he ripped off his tie. “Clothes off. Now.”
Anti couldn't suppress his giggle as he took off his shirt. “Yes, sir. Right away, sir.”
Dark growled again in warning, glaring into Anti’s eyes. “I'm being serious. Do as I say or you will be punished. Do you understand?”
Anti shivered from the commanding tone in Dark’s voice. “Yes, sir.”
“Good,” he snarled again.
continue reading on ao3 for more!
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Survey #245
“i fell asleep at the wheel again, crashed my car just to feel again.”
What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Ketchup. What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone? Obsess over the appropriate amount of eye contact I make. What color is your mp3? Hot pink. Have you ever laid in a hammock? Yeup. Is there a song or lyrics currently super-glued in your head? "Popular Monster" by Falling In Reverse FUCK What can you go a day without doing? Uhhh a lot? I dunno... oh, drink water because I suck at that gah. I've gotten a lot better than I used to be tho. What can’t you go a day without doing? Touching some form of technology. Who do you spend most of your time with? Myself. Do you have a favorite classical composer? No. What type of quality is a must-have in a friend? Treat others with kindness. Are you any good at reading someone's body language? I definitely think so. What type of art would you hang up in your room? Lol I have some of my own... but let's say it was a clean slate again. I'd put some macabre/gothic art of some sort up, probably. Of COURSE with meerkats making an appearance. What fruit is too sweet to you? Hm, I'm blanking. What was the last contest you have ever won: Uhhhh... I think the giveaway of two Silent Hill: Revelation things? That was forever ago. What was the worst hair cut you have ever had in your entire life: Looking back, the haircut I had before this one (short on the left, faded into still rather long on the right) I don't really like anymore. Looks fine in some pictures, but not most. What was the worst thing you have ever worn in your life: Oh I don't know. Probably some dance costume. Do you like any sort of animes: Yeah, a handful. I'd honestly like to watch more. Have you ever used someone for your own benefits: I don't think so. What is the worst cartoon you have ever seen: Oh boy, idk. There's some dumb ones, a lot that I've only seen peeks of. Do you like to type or write more: TYPE. Writing physically can easily make my carpal tunnel act up. I hated having to hand-write a few essays last semester... I had to stop frequently to roll my wrists and cringe and stuff. What color would you have your skin if you could change it: I'd like pale skin like I have, but I wish it was more flawless/porcelain-ish. SOOOOOO pretty ahahhhhhhhhahhhhhh Do you usually cook your own meals, or does someone cook for you: I usually have to throw something together in the microwave because Mom's barely home, but when she is home, she cooks. If someone cooks for you, do you always thank them for it: YES. YES. NOT SAYING ANYTHING IS SO FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL. What do you do during the day: Almost without question, SOMEthing on technology/usually computer. As for what I do on technology, boy, a lot a lot. I don't even feel like listing it all. When you are online what do you normally find yourself doing: ... Oh, lmao. Uhhh binging YouTube, writing on or just checking up on KM, dA browsing/cleaning my drowning inbox, Facebook, "working" at the SH and SotC wikis, playing games, roaming Tumblr, check my emails, uhhhhhhh,,,, What is the most hated item you own: I wouldn't... keep it if I hated it? Uhhhh yeah, I honestly don't know. What is your favorite item you own out of all the items you have: My iPod, really. I have over 1k songs on this old-ass nano that I've had since middle school. I guess my laptop is kinda tied, but idk. Like, I don't love this laptop itself, just that it allows me to go online at a decent speed lmao. I guess they're my favorites in different ways. So, do you think that you will get where you want in life currently: Not stopping pushing for it 'til I get it. Why is that so. May I ask: I'm "too" determined. It's been a struggle getting to even where I am, but FUCK, I'm getting there. Do you like Halloween: I can't fwu if you don't. Has a teacher ever flirted with you? Not to my recollection. Is it okay for friends to kiss each other, as friends? Personally, I think a simple peck is fine IF that's your thing and it's mutually understood that it's platonic. Ex., I know greeting kisses are normal in some cultures, and I see no reason to shame it so long you're not like making out. Is it okay for girls to hit boys? Fuck no. Unless you're like fighting off an assailant/defending yourself, NO gender hits ANYONE. Do you know a lot of attractive boys personally? I've never thought about it? I'm not gonna dig through all the people I know rn... What happens if you realized you had a crush on somebody? More than anything, I'd be scared of being hurt again, particularly if it's a guy. So I definitely wouldn't make the first move. Do you think you are attractive? No. Which two of your friends would have the cutest baby together? I don't know. How do you feel about your naked body? DON'T COME AT ME WITH THIS QUESTION GO AWAY Have you ever been called obnoxious? No. At least, not to my memory. Do you wish you had a bigger family? No, but a more close-knit one. Which friend would you kiss full on the mouth, no questions asked? Sara. If somebody smacks your butt, you automatically say: I wouldn't say shit, I'd turn around and smack them across the face. How often does your family life conflict with your social life? Pretty much never. Have you ever been emotionally abused? No, thankfully. Do small children like you? They seem to, I guess. If karma is really true, should you be worried? Not very. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis? None. Do you have anything hidden in your room? Yeah, some saved money. What do you wish you were doing right now instead of this? It'd be great to talk to Sara. If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital? Oh I'm going to the fucking hospital for that epidural fren. If I even wanted kids. What was the last thing you ordered online? Uhhh good question. Have you ever had a bad experience with anti-depressants? If so, what? Well, actually the entire time I was ON anti-depressants. Because I'm bipolar, anti-depressants actually ramp up the aggression of bipolarity symptoms. How, I don't recall the science of, but I trust every word that comes out of my psychiatrist's mouth for many reasons. That definitely happened. One also made me gain weight, and the worst instance was in middle school when I was briefly on one that made me SO fucking hyper and happy in the morning but I crashed into an absolute bitchy monster by mid-afternoon. Now a combination of mood stabilizers helps both my bipolarity and depression immensely and are the main reason I'm alive. Are you allergic to any plants? I mean, I'm allergic to pollen. Are you an outdoors person? If the weather is cool, I love it. Does your past bother you? Some parts of it. Do you take risks or play it safe? I tend to play it safe. What forms of art do you like the best? This is an absolutely impossible question. "Art" has such an incredible range of forms, and I enjoy like... all. I guess the one thing I don't particularly care for is abstract art. What forms of art do you want to try? HYPERREALISM IN DRAWING. I REALLY wanna be able to draw/paint/whatever and make it look so true to life, BUT I'd like to add fantasy aspects to what I'm making (for example, my characters). I'd love to do portraits, too. This isn't really a "type" of art, but one thing I desperately want in art is to actually develop my own recognizable style that isn't just a wobbly attempt at realism with shitty proportions. What’s your favorite planet? Saturn's dope. Has a medication ever made you itch? No. What’s your favorite rainy day activity? Cuddle with snacks and like binge a good TV show/YT videos, etc. BUT considering I'm single I'ma just take a nap if I'm actually tired and you can hear the rain on the window. Do you put creamer in your tea? I wonder how many times I'll tell surveys I hate tea lmao by the end of my life lmao. What do you think are some good names for twins? I don't care enough to think about this. What are three things that fascinate you? Animal behavior (particularly social), the paranormal, and genetics. Would you say you live more in the past, present, or future? Present, I think. Have you ever been a victim of a crime? Not me personally, no, but my family. We had our basketball hoop stolen from our front yard and I was mega tilted yo. Does injustice make you angry? More like it infuriates me. Do you have the bad habit of procrastinating? Very badly. Are you afraid of running into a certain person in public? I both am and am not afraid of running into Jason. I have a very strong feeling I'd start having a PTSD episode (by that I mean hyperventilating, crying a bit, and shaking at the very least), but simultaneously I just want him to know I'm sorry. Do you have anyone you avoid? No. Do you have the same dreams now that you did as a kid? No. Who’s your crush? I don't really know if I have one right now. My old friend Ian and I started talking, and he's a fucking hilarious dude with similar ethics to mine with great compassion, but I still don't know him well enough to say I like-like him. I'm honestly just happy to have an irl friend again that actually talks to me regularly. Do you trust the government? I believe in WAY too many conspiracy theories to even try to convince anyone I trust the government lmao. Who do you want to meet in Heaven? I don't know exactly what sort of afterlife I believe in (it's not the traditional Heaven though), but I do believe that souls can reunite. The first thing I want to see again is Teddy. Does your school take sports too seriously? Considering we're well-respected in the sports field to the degree we draw in a huge number of foreign athletes, guess you could say yes lmao. Most of the people I even slightly know here came for sports. If there are bruises on your body, how did you get them? There aren’t. Would you ever go back in time to do something over again, but differently? Yes. Where did you kiss the last person you kissed? The airport. Have you thought about your wedding in detail? Not great detail, no. Do you think you could ever really kill someone? In self-defense, I know I could. Do you like Papa John’s pizza? I couldn't even guess the last time I had it. I don't remember. Do you attend school? Yeah. Do you call it a crush, or do you just say you like someone? The latter. Where were you when the ball dropped? In my bed asleep lmao. Where are your siblings? Probably all at work. Waffles, pancakes, or french toast? French toast. Do you ever judge people based on if they believe in God or not? Not really, but I WILL wonder to myself if you believe in some of the bullshit just about every religion has somewhere. Are you sometimes scared to express your opinions in fear of what others might think? YUP YUP YUP! Mainly irl tho. Have you ever painted your nails on only one hand, forgetting about the other one or getting side-tracked? No. Have you ever gone to one of those parties where everyone is falling around drunk everywhere? No. Been to one where everyone was high, though. Are you “the good guy”, or “the bad guy”, or somewhere in between? I'd hope the good guy. Do you ever erase the numbers off of surveys just because they annoy you? Ha ha yeah. Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now? Yes. Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? Yes, all but one. What do you hear right now? "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Proud as fuck because this song was a MASSIVE PTSD trigger at first and even made me cry, but despite it still making me kinda uncomfortable, I can listen to and enjoy it now. If an ex said they hated you, what would you say? The only three people whose opinions would matter there would be Sara, Girt, and Jason. Sara and Jason would fucking break me, while I think Girt would of course make me cry, but I just. Wouldn't be surprised to lose another irl friend. I'd be so fucking hurt by any. OH YEAH, what would I say? I think Sara would have me speechless. I'd probably just choke out, "I don't blame you," to Jason. Girt, my first instinct pondering this was "are you serious?" because he's such a joker while my stomach dropped. What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? I'd be happy for her, but still feel kinda sad that it wasn't me. What do you think when someone kisses you on your forehead? If I like the person, I feel very comforted. It like... makes me feel small, safe, and permitted to just let my emotions loose, ex. be "allowed" to cry. What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check my phone to see the time. Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss? I don't want to answer this. Do the math. Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No. Do you brush your teeth right away when you wake up? No. Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying? Yeah. Would you date someone three years older than you? Yeah. Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? Actually as of recently, the morning. It's a nice way to start the day clean and energized. Could you handle living with the last person you texted? I'd love to live with her. Was the last book you read for fun, or was it for some type of assignment? It was assigned, but I loved it. Have you accomplished any goals you set for yourself this year so far? Not really? Well no, I think I'm being a less procrastinating student and also not fleeing so quickly from situations that invoke my anxiety. Are there still movie rental stores where you live or have they all gone out of business? SOBS Blockbuster come BACK we NEED u. What was the last thing to annoy you or make you upset? Eh, it was stupid and something that realistically isn't worth being annoyed by. I was SUPER bored and tired yesterday waiting for Mom to finish her field work while I waited in the library after classes, and I was so ready to go home, but she stayed longer than she thought she would. Do you think you would be a good match for your celebrity crush/es assuming you have one? Why? If you don’t have one, who was the last person you saw that you found attractive? Actually, not really. He's way too motivated and drawn to people who push forward and get shit done, and just in general at least from how I "know" him as a fan I could only realistically see us as friends. But a fangirl can dream ok just let me dream. When looking for something to watch on TV do you tend to pick shows you know you like, or try new shows that look interesting even though you’ve never heard of them before? I'll answer hypothetically if I watched TV: probably something I know I like. Might get adventurous every now and again and try something new, though, especially if it's on a channel I like. How old were you when you had your wisdom teeth removed? I haven't had to. I juuuuust slightly have enough room where I DID have them grow in. Where was the last job application you filled out sent to? Uhhh probably the deli, which I got and lasted for two hours my first work day lmao. Have you ever been fired from a job? No. What do people tell you your voice sounds like? I dunno, kinda deep for a girl and lacking an accent most of the time. What financial class are you? Lower. What poster is hanging closest to you? A huge Nightmare Before Christmas one. Are you more comfortable with men or women? Women. Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked? Maybe if Ian did? Idk. It'd be a nice way to get to know more about each other, but I'd only agree to it after we talked a bit longer. Does your family keep tons of leftovers in the fridge? Not "a ton." Things we'll eat again though, yes. Favorite FRIENDS character? That is, if you like it. I haven't watched it. Are you thinking of getting another piercing? Where? Hell yes. Pretty sure next is collarbones if I could just lose a little bit more weight so they're more visible. Do you love when people remember little things about you? YES OMG!!!!!!!!!! Do you ‘bless’ strangers when they sneeze? Yes, I just think it's common good manner. Even though the reasoning behind it is whatever, it's a societal thing that I just go along with. How many phones have you gone through? Idk, not too many. Have you always lived in the house you currently reside in? No.
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Time just slips away...
TRIGGER WARNING
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TW Suicide
I’m just not really sure sometimes. Some days I feel okay, and the others I get sad again. My memory loss has affected me greatly. 
I will find a note on my phone or something on a piece of paper that I had deemed important, maybe a moment of inspiration or a message to Ronnie and I no longer have any idea what I am talking about. I found some lovely story notes yesterday that I had written a couple of years ago. I only know the time frame because I like to send myself messages on Facebook so I don’t forget things and happily I stumbled across messages where the names matched up to some of the notes in the notebook. I had been fretting because at the time I wrote the stuff down I had used abbreviations instead of names at times. One I saw repeatedly was MC, which I assumed stood for main character. A logical assumption, right? Yet another I couldn’t figure out. Repeatedly I saw a ™ referenced. Docs keeps correcting this to a trademark symbol (facepalm). 
It has been bothering me a lot. I had done a lot of work and I obviously cared about this character, but couldn’t glean from the notebook what it stood for. I hate writing things by hand, and evidently thought it wasn’t necessary to fully write it out. If I focus really hard I can vaguely recall the inspiration. It is of course mine, there are usually recurring themes in stories that I plan to write. But what did it mean?
Then today in messenger I had typed it out. Swype keyboards are so much faster than writing in pencil, thank god!  Taxi Man. How did I forget that? You obviously don’t know what Taxi Man means, so let me explain it to you, as best my memory can allow. 
My childhood was kind of rough. 
My family was quite poor and my parents didn’t have what you would call a happy marriage. My Father was abusive to everyone in the household. Both mentally and physically. When he was home sometimes it felt like being in a literal nightmare. You know that prickle of terror you feel on the back of your neck in a nightmare sometimes? Or those moments where you were so terrified that when you tried to scream no sound could escape your lips? It was like that sometimes. My Father was prone to mood swings, drank, and abused drugs. He had a myriad of problems, and refused to work. Just to give you some background on my state of mind when I first encountered the Taxi Man. 
So, to say I suffered from depression would be too simple. I was 14 years old and also dealing with normal hormonal changes. Ah..puberty. It will wreck you emotionally. Compound that with irregular periods and you have a recipe for disaster. 
I often thought of suicide. I didn’t really want to die, but I wanted my life as it was currently to end. I was tired of my life. Tired of the abuse. Tired of feeling alone. I cried constantly and did anything I could to avoid going home. My Father and I butted heads frequently. I was the only one in the house who dared stand up to him. 
This wasn’t what you think normal teenage drama is like. I was not rebelling because I wanted a late curfew, this was literally, “How fucking dare you put your hands on my Mother!” I had been terrified of him as a child, but there are only so many times that you can be hurt and pain still work as a fear tactic or parental deterrent. It wasn’t always in defense of my Mother either. Sometimes it was for my little sisters’ sake. 
My Father had quit working when I was about six and a half years old. He was trying to get disability for carpal tunnel, so my Mother got a job full time. My sisters were 2 years and 6 months old, respectively. If you thought my Father was going to change diapers or maintain the house while my Mother worked you’d sadly be mistaken. 
I am not complaining. I was never resentful. I had always been what my Mom called a Mother Hen. I loved my little sisters. So, I changed diapers, gave baths, brushed their hair. I dressed them, tucked them in, and tried to teach them stuff. How many times did I work on ABCs or counting? The situation was a bit confusing for them though. My youngest sister called my Mom frequently, and even the other made that mistake at times. I know it broke my Mother’s heart. She had missed out on the most important time for development in my youngest sister’s life, but there wasn’t anything to do about it. She had no family close by and I think was still trying to maintain appearances about her relationship with my Father. 
My Mother broke my heart. To me she was the most magnificent woman. I knew that I had the prettiest Mom. She had a beautiful singing voice. She was smart. Well read. But so painfully shy. She was that kind of person who couldn’t ever speak up for themselves. I remember being frustrated going to stores with her when I was young because she was too shy to ask an employee for help if she couldn’t find something. We would instead wander for what felt like hours until she managed to find the item she was looking for, or something that would just have to do. I am a protective person, it is just my nature, hence why Mom called me Mother Hen. So eventually I would stop a store employee and ask for her. She never would have asked me to do such a thing, and maybe this embarrassed her at times too. But to watch your parent struggle over such a simple task is heartbreaking. I couldn’t fathom why she had such difficulty speaking. 
But I loved my Mother and would do anything for her, so I decided to be her voice. I was always a rather take charge kind of person. 
So, of course I argued for her sake. I argued for the sisters that I loved in a deeper motherly way. I couldn’t stand how he treated them. It is one thing to pick on someone who can defend themselves, but my Mother and little sisters could not. That was our life. I could go on and on, but it is enough to give you an idea of why I had suicidal ideation. 
So, let me tell you how I met the Taxi Man. It was in a dream. The dream started with me sitting in the front passenger seat of an old fashioned Taxi. From the 1940’s, with pronounced fender flares. 
It was nighttime and we were traveling down a winding road with open fields for as far as the eye could see on either side towards a forest. In the driver seat sat an ancient man wearing a top hat. His shoulder length wispy grey hair was disheveled. A tag hung from the band of his hat, though I don’t know if it said anything at all. It was probably too old to have anything legible on it. His suit was tweed with patches on the elbows. He had a dingy white cravat that I imagine would have fluttered hauntingly if the windows had been cracked. Definitely someone interesting that you would have tried to absorb every detail of, but I was beginning to panic at not knowing how I got there.
“Where are we?” I asked, panic rising in my throat.
That is when he turned and reached towards me. That is when I saw it.
He had no eyeballs. 
His eye sockets were empty aside from small flames. You know that prickle feeling I mentioned earlier? It was happening now. He did not answer me, nor did he touch me. He instead reached past me, opened the glove compartment, and returned his hand to the wheel. I turn from him and look inside and am surprised to see a small television screen. 
It clicks on, and I am unable to look away, for I see myself in my own bedroom. I am sitting on the floor with letters scattered all around me. Mascara courses down my cheeks as I sob uncontrollably. I am unsure. I don’t remember this ever happening. Then the screen darkens again. That is when the Taxi Man spoke. 
“You killed yourself. That is why you are here.”
I quickly glance around and see that we don’t seem to be any closer to the forest, though the car has never stopped moving. The small television blinks back on and I see a funeral. There is a church, my family, and even classmates standing in groups talking quietly. My Mother stands by my casket crying into a scarf. She looks devastated and broken. My sisters are holding her hands, but their heads hang down. They do not lift their gaze even when someone stops to offer condolences. 
Then I see my ex-boyfriend walk in by himself, carrying a white rose. He pauses at the back of the room, the prospect of my casket seeming too much for him to handle. 
“It has not been decided yet.”
“What hasn’t?” I gasped. 
“Where you are going. You’ve killed yourself. I cannot take you to Heaven. So you will have to wait while it is decided. It is going to feel like an eternity.”
Again I noted that the car was not any closer to the forest, though the car kept a steady place. It suddenly made sense.
“Is this purgatory?”
The Taxi Man just nodded, his lips curving slightly. Was it an attempt to smile? I didn’t sense any malice from him. Just eternalness, and maybe… Maybe this was his way of trying to comfort me. The thought of an eternal wait, with your very soul hanging in the balance is quite frightening. 
It was an important dream to me. It felt so real. Like I had been given a warning. I thought of the Taxi Man frequently throughout the years, even sketched him a couple times. I just cannot forget him. I even dreamt of him more recently, though the interaction was not always pleasant. So, how did I not realize what ™ stood for in my notes? It is a frustrating thing. Though I never stay sad for too long. I always forget and move on to some other train of thought. Thanks for listening.
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Hand Gesture (손짓) Halloween One Shot
Also posted in AFF
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Photos not mine. All found in Google. But I created the moodboard
Author: @loeyeolty AU: Canon Genre: Crack with a little Hurt/Comfort Pairing: Multiple EXO members x Multiple OCs Trigger Warning: None Word Count: 2,325
Plot: After Jongdae ends up things with Iseul, the good-looking man with the white mask and black tux didn't seem so bad...
This Oneshot follows the ‘Tear You Apart’ Universe but it’s not necessarily a sequel. It can be read as a standalone. 
"Is this..your autograph?"
"Yes, by now, you could guess who I am."
I squint at the signature on my cast, I rack my brains to recall but "I'm sorry, I don't recognize.."
"Okay, let's make a deal, you can ask questions about me, and I can ask questions about you and Jongdae's breakup."
Mr. Phantom pitches a proposal I can't resist because, with the length of our conversation, I am just dying out of curiosity to know who he is.
"But how do you know that Jongdae and I?"
"Oppa knows everything."
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Chohee POV
"Can you tone it down? Iseul is.."
Iseul is a fucking mess. I could barely mouth those words, staring at the disheveled girl shoving avocado ice cream down her throat and covered in snot.
"I just got our costumes from the mail, Iseul will be Regina George, Chohee you be Karen, while I'll be Gretchen because my hair is so big it's full of secrets.."
I made a hand gesture, slitting my hand against my throat towards Hyoeun, hoping that through my telepathic signals, she would shut up.
"You're Karen eonni because your boobs can tell the weather.." she didn't get the message.
"While Jongdae can be Aaron Samuels.." oh fuck Hyoeun said the worst word in this situation.
"JONGDAEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Iseul wailed in the same manner as Jongdae's perilous 'ah wae'.
"Why, what's wrong?" Hyo approached the crying heartbroken girl and patted her in reassuring strokes.
"Shit Iseul, I didn't know.."
"That's because you rarely come home here. You practically live in Chanyeol's apartment!" Iseul hissed.
"What! No, I'm just..busy with..work.. you know.." she stuttered. "overtime is a killer."
I do not know how to break this down gently but, I butted in
"Jongdae wrote a song for their next album, about.." I cleared the lump in my throat, "Handjobs."
"You see, this," Iseul stretched out her right hand, in a tiny bandage.
"Ever since I started my new writing job, my carpal tunnel has gotten worse. The doctor explicitly told me to 'avoid all jobs involving your hands.’ "
Hyoeun smirked, seemingly understanding what the doctor meant.
"Doctor also told me to rest my left hand, as it was starting to show symptoms of carpal as well."
Hyo makes a joke, trying to lighten the situation, but failed. "Hmm.. the carpal tunnel of love."
"Iseul has been taking care of her hands for the past 6 months.." I grabbed a scoop of Iseul's ice cream, but she refused to share.
"This has been going on for 6 months? and I was not informed?" How irrational of Hyo.
"Little did I know that while I was taking care of my hands, someone else’s hands were taking care of Jongdae's.." Iseul bawls out again.
"Jongdae showed me the prototype lyrics of 'Sonjit', then I apologized for being a bad girlfriend for the past six months," due to a shortage of tissues,  Iseul found purchase on the next best thing to wipe her runny nose, Hyo's baggy sweater.
"Then he said..he was the one who should apologize because he has needs, and he has sourced out his needs elsewhere.."
"Jongdae's a fucking asshole. Where is he?" Hyo tightens her fist into a ball, ready to run out of the door.
"It's okay Hyo," Iseul pulls Hyo back, pinching her sweater, now covered with snot at the backside. "You haven't heard the worst yet."
"I screamed at him, I wanted to break up. The bitch had the fucking nerve to beg. He told me not to throw away the 4 years we were together, that I overlook this instance of his cheating.."
Iseul's breathing was gradually replaced by rapid pants, and more blows to Hyo's clothing, much to her annoyance.
"I just blacked out, and before I knew it, I had injured my left hand by slamming his door all too hastily and forcefully..hence the new bandage on my left hand."
"Oh Iseul honey, at this rate the only Halloween costume fitting for you would be Samurai X's Shishio Makoto.." Iseul buries herself in Hyo's comforting arms.
"Chanyeol and I are planning a Halloween after party at his place, we should all go, dance, drink, have fun and forget that shit of an asshole Jongdae."
"Chanyeol and you?" I raised my brow at the thought.
"I meant Chanyeol, I'm not involved in the planning whatsoever."
"You're so defensive," I quipped and rummaged through Hyo's Halloween costumes. "They're all pink."
"What if Jongdae's there?" Iseul sniffled.
"I'll make sure he isn't on the guest list." Hyo confidently surmised, wiping off the snot off her hoodie.
"You're in charge of the guest list? So I guess you and Chanyeol are really the hosts?" it's been a year since we caught them and honestly everyone is fucking tired of their secret rendezvous. "Just fucking admit it Hyo, everyone already knows."
Hyo rolls her eyes at me, ignoring my comment. Iseul changes the topic.
"But what about me? I will look like shit in any costume, I'm handicapped as fuck."
"We can fix that." Hyo beamed.
~~~~~
Iseul POV
A Baekhyun dressed in cony pajamas and eye mask greets us and hands us various drinks.
"Chohee!" He squealed. Wherever we go, Hyoeun and I disappear in Baekhyun's eyes, all he sees is Chohee Chohee Chohee.
"You are all dressed in pink, you look pretty tonight!" Baekhyun chugs down a pink-tinged drink, the bitter aftertaste reaches his throat, evident from the sour face he made.
"Thanks, I'm Gretchen Weiners, Chohee is Karen.." Hyo proudly shows off our pink tops and pink micro skirts then whisper something close to Baekhyun. The latter's face lights up, much to the suspense of Chohee and I.
"And you are?" Baekhyun turns to me.
"She's Regina George after she got hit by a bus.." Hyo I am going to fucking kill you.
Hyo deliberately dressed me up with a metal neck and body braces, with both of my hands bandaged.
"oh yeah, I recall she got hit by the bus.." Baekhyun giggled. Despite how embarrassing I looked, at least people recognized me as Regina George.
"Chohee," Baekhyun shoves me and Hyo away, making his way to Chohee. "So I heard your breasts can tell the weather?"
~~~~~
Let's all go to Chanyeol's Halloween Party. It would be fun they said. We'll never leave you alone they said. Of course, they're having fun. Hyo has run off with her iron man, Baekhyun remains captivated by Chohee's weather-predicting breasts. and I’m here stuck in a corner with my handicapped hands.
"I've never seen anyone with much dedication to their costume, even binding their hands in a cast," a guy, clad in a tux with a cape, but his face covered with a mask sits on the bar beside me.
"Oh they're real," I push myself to make conversation. Usually, I'm an introvert, having a boyfriend like Jongdae, you never had a shortage of people around you, but now I'm on my own.
"What? What happened to you Ms. Regina-George -after -the -bus -hit- her?" Mr. Phantom of the Opera grabs my wrists gently and examines them on the bar table.
"How did you know I was Regina George?" I was surprised.
"Someone stuck a sticker on your back, reading those exact words. You have good friends." He chuckled
Hyo..I will get my revenge on you..today..or someday. You'll see. My eyes narrowed involuntarily.
"Don't be so mad over Hyo. Or we can plot revenge over her. One blowjob please," he motions to the bartender.
"Are you a mind reader? who are you?"
"You don't know me Iseul?"
His hand tried to pry off his mask, only to put it back again.
"I'm the Phantom of the Opera."
"It wouldn't be fun if I revealed myself so easily, Iseul." So I see, this guy is trying to play a game. He better be handsome behind that mask or else I'm suing.
"I don't like talking to people who won't even tell me their name, thank you." I wanted to walk away but I realized I could not push myself off the bar stool without external help.
"Are you...trying to ..escape?"
The man laughed at my futile efforts, tears forming beside my eyes.
"Yes, but my hands hurt. I have carpal tunnel due for surgery next week.."
I tried pushing myself down, but to no avail, hearing his gentle chuckles only added fuel to the fire.
"Please stop laughing at my efforts."
"I would say you're so darn cute and pretty right now, only if you weren't Jongdae's girlfriend." He watched me struggle all the more.
"Thanks but complements won't help me get off this chair.."
"No, pls stay Iseul-ssi, I have lots of wisdom to impart to you as the phantom of the opera.."
"We don't have anything in common, I don't even know your name, Mister."
"We both have carpal tunnel."
And at that moment, I stopped trying to escape. Like a pickup line, We both have carpal tunnel, was magic to my ears, gravitating me towards him.
I shimmied back to my seat, "you have my attention now,"
Mr. Phantom was very knowledgeable. He shared with me his knowledge and experience regarding our common illness...oh god is this what understanding feels like? Being with Jongdae for a long time, I have felt his gradual coldness towards me, especially since I started getting sick with my hands and all that.
When I told Jongdae before that my wrists needed rest, all I got in return was a simple "mmm." followed up by a rather disgusting question, "so can you do things with your feet?'
I do not know how my romantic relationship with Jongdae turned into sour and soulless just there for sex relationship. I feel so used.
"Iseul-ssi are you alright?" Mr. Phantom has released my hand back to me, after drunkenly examining it.
"Sorry, I just got trapped in my thoughts," I noticed a not-so-tiny scribble on my left hand.
"Is this..your autograph?"
"Yes, by now, you could guess who I am."
I squint at the signature on my cast, I rack my brains to recall but "I'm sorry, I don't recognize.."
"Okay, let's make a deal, you can ask questions about me, and I can ask questions about you and Jongdae's breakup."
Mr. Phantom pitches a proposal I can't resist because, with the length of our conversation, I am just dying out of curiosity to know who he is.
"But how do you know that Jongdae and I?"
"Oppa knows everything."
We were momentarily distracted when Chanyeol (minus his ironman headgear) takes the DJ stage and starts playing his own mixes, screaming "everybody stand, put your hands up!"
Mr. Phantom follows suit, as well as everyone, leaving me glued to my seat.
Looking at everyone having fun, screaming at the top of their lungs, and all I could think about was how fun it would be if Jongdae were here. But no, he was not the one who has his hands nor heartbroken.
It was then that I realized that Mr. Phantom was looking at me, with concerned eyes.
"I'm sorry, I forgot you could not dance right now."
"No, it's okay, I think I'm not fit to party right now. I think I should head home, You should enjoy the party."
"No, don't go home. You'll be left alone with your thoughts, thinking about your break up over and over."
"It's kinda eerie that you know me so well. I wanna make a wild guess Phantom-ssi... are you Shinee's Jonghyun?"
"I'm actually offended that you thought of me as that.." he scoffed.
"Then... Taemin?" I cocked my head to the side, I honestly have no clue who this man is.
"Grab your friends, grab your lover, grab your dates, today's Hallow's eve, as we countdown to October 31!" Chanyeol growled through his mic.
"Chanyeol's weird, I've never heard of Halloween countdowns before," our eyes met and both of us shrugged in unison.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Baekhyun grab in his arms my friend, Chohee. Hyo was rushing to go to Chanyeol's Dj booth, among other couples, holding onto each other.
"This is rather awkward," my seatmate breathed.
"...Do you want to step out?" He added.
"That's a better suggestion. I'm getting claustrophobic in this party." Mr. Phantom offers his hand, helping you go down the bar stool, and slowly leads you the way out.
"This is better," you find the perfect spot on the rooftop of Chanyeol's apartment. Your companion looks dashing under the moonlight, the autumn breeze blowing thru his cape. You secretly wished the wind would blow away his mask too.
Common sense dictated that it is wrong to share secrets with a stranger, but he didn't seem like one at all. Your blow by blow account of Jongdae's disregard for your health and eventual breakup did not seem to shock him at all.
"You don't seem shocked by what I am saying," you paused and looked at your friend who was drawing comforting circles with his palm across your cold back.
"Because I know everything, I know the girl he cheated on you with. I feel guilty that I had known before but because it was your relationship, the rest of the boys decided to stay mum."
Despite his warm hand on your back, you felt chills run down your spine.
"You're cold," Mr phantom drapes his cape over you.
"So... you're one of EXO?" You gasped. "And who is this girl?"
"Make a guess," a faint smile cracked under his mask.
"Xiumin? Are you Xiumin?"
"Wrong."
"Kyungsoo?"
"Get your thoughts together Iseul, Kyungsoo was staring at us a while ago. He was that grudge kid… Final hint: Iseul I’ve always had a crush on you and I hated the fact that you were Jongdae's girlfriend. You are an awesome girl and.."
"Junmyeon?" Come to think of it. Jongdae rarely took you out with Suho. All of his friends that you’ve known were Chanyeol and Baekhyun. Sometimes Sehun, sometimes Kai. But almost never Suho.
Mr phantom slowly takes off his mask, revealing his impeccable facial features coupled with the smirk on his face
Like gravity, he pulls you in and you lean in as he gives you a soft peck on your lips,
He was slow and gentle enough, measuring if you were ready for more
Junmyeon immediately draws out, but not far enough from you. Your foreheads touching as he pleads
"I'm sorry."
"I'm drunk.." indeed he tasted like sweet liquor.
"It's okay, I'm sober, Junmyeon."
"Can I kiss you Iseul?"
You pull him in closer, stifling your giggles "you just did!"
The first time was a wonder, the second time was deeper.
"I have always found you interesting too but right now, I'm so angry over what happened..." You glance at Junmyeon who looks more handsome without the mask.
"It wasn't your fault Iseul. I guess Jongdae, he was an asshole. He had been stringing Seulgi all along you were dating."
Junmyeon reassuringly places your bandaged hands on his lap.
"And I’m so sorry this happened to you."
"None of this is your fault Junmyeon, I am just glad someone listened to me tonight."
You tried to smile at Junmyeon despite your throbbing aching heart, and he reciprocated with a heartwarming smile too.
"Iseul I still can’t believe he blamed his lack of handjobs to your carpal.. when in fact he has been cheating all along..."
Junmyeon shakes his head. "I am not angry at my friend but I am so disappointed in him."
"Hey my hands may be injured right now but I can still do other things.."
---END---
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Y’ALL GIVE LOVE TO @loeyeolty for writing again after being slumped in life and work for months!!! 💖💖💖
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ghostofasecretary · 6 years
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so the pain feelings are probably the easiest and most grounded, let’s have those first 
it really, really annoys me that i have chronic pain. i mean, yes, chronic pain is annoying, but i am annoyed at the specifics of my chronic pain because fibromyalgia is a...complicated diagnosis at best, one i am not sure really exists at worst, and one i would rather throw myself into a fire than get slapped with again.
(possibly do not read this if you are diagnosed with fibro, i think your pain exists and effects your life but i don’t quite think mine is and have Feelings about fibro as a diagnosis that i can’t assess and in this post i make some statements that may be distressing. if you’re sensitive to people dismissing pain, even if it’s their own pain, uh, maybe just skip this one)
i think the pain of other people i real and my own is not, sometimes, which is really stupid and i don’t agree with it, but there the thought is, being a thought.
legitimate vs illegitimate pain is one that is often framed through the lens of sexism and while that is probably reasonable, it also makes me curl into a little ball of dysphoria. i don’t want to think i was effected by sexism while i ran the medical gauntlet, and even if i was i don’t...ugh. sorry. no. i don’t want to.
fibro is basically the diagnosis for “we don’t know what’s wrong with you and you’re probably crazy and/or whiny and/or Don’t Real.” i’m not even sure it’s better than no diagnosis. also i am crazy, it’s on my chart, i don’t...i don’t want another thing that makes me more likely to be dismissed.
in my junior year of high school (well, from August to...April? stuff tapered off around the end of February) i had headaches that ranged from irritating to extremely distracting and mildly painful every single day. i say “mildly“ painful because i have had several severe migraines in my life, and while the aggregate suffering of daily aura and varying forms of pain in my temples may have been equal to the multiple days where i would have to be lying down in a dark room that was quiet as we could possibly make it, but even that didn’t quite help because my heartbeat was too loud, the daily experience was...not that bad. i also had some other symptoms that sucked!
these may have made the aggregate That Bad, idk. i was also pretty suicidal at this point, which kind of clouds my memories.
i was really nauseous pretty much constantly. i had aura pretty much constantly. i got diagnosed with chronic daily migraines, although they were atypical.
my hips and knees hurt a lot. my back hurt, my neck hurt, my shoulders hurt. sometimes i didn’t feel like i could walk well at all and i limped. i sat down often. my hands hurt and writing got painful for the first time. i was very tired.
i did some really stressful things in junior year that were made a lot worse by having headaches constantly and being tired and in miscellaneous pain and feeling like i was going to throw up. i had a really bad night one time where everything in my body was pounding and i ached and cramped and felt like i was on fire and also had a migraine i would class as a Real Migraine, complete with high-key pain and horribly present nausea and blackouts and floating dots. it was really hard.
i had a bunch of tests done re: headaches, including an EEG and an MRI. i asked for a full panel of bloodwork because i did not know what was happening and whether there was a cause. (fibro does not have a known cause, although it is sometimes speculated to be “stress” or “mental illness.” thanks, medicine.) there was no detectable underlying cause, but i did get some helpful medication after a lot of trial and error and several months of waiting. by several months i mean about half a year, but, well. what can you do.
(also, i had SO MUCH ANXIETY about diagnosis and i both was terrified of having RA or lupus or cancer or something identifiable and i desperately wanted something fixable. i also had FUN FUN FUN ANXIETY about being a Bad Patient, about whether asking for bloodwork and being upset over not having an underlying cause made me look like a hypochondriac, about whether the fact that i didn’t exercise as much meant i was Destroying My Health even though exercise hurt like a motherfucker and made every part of daily life difficult, etc, etc)
senior year was much less bad, pain wise.
headache meds really helped my other symptoms! yay! it’s also possible i developed a better pain tolerance*? i did have noticeable and distracting pain while typing during senior year but a carpal tunnel diagnosis is not terribly useful and trying to get diagnosed and not getting anything would probably have crushed me.
going to a chiropractor was moderately helpful but also painful, so...eh?
exercise was really, really not. it’s supposed to be, although the studies used to support that are kind of sketchy, but it was not helpful. it might be helpful now but i would not bet on it.
(one time in junior year i tried to stand up and pace around for an hour, to see if i could do it. i wound up having to lie down in bed for four hours. lying down because of Pain sucks and it feels so stupid and shitty and boring, and i knew i probably shouldn’t have stood for that long while it was so uncomfortable but i wanted to see if i could. i could, barely, but it was not worth it. and it’s so stupid, i feel so petty, i stand up for seven hours every day now and i don’t hurt that much, why did i...? surely it couldn’t have been that bad, surely i was making it up.)
sleeping more did help a little.
* i don’t feel like i developed a better pain tolerance but it might be worth noting two things.
one, after a while i got incredibly fed up with noticing my pain and all the stuff on the net about fibro being psychosomatic and not having any reason to feel bad aside from my headaches which also didn’t have a Real ReasonTM, i decided to ignore pain. pain? what’s that? i don’t have that. banging my elbow makes me ache for days? lol, no it doesn’t. it...i mean, i think it helped. not thinking about my pain All The Time defnitely helped, although the Denial might be less than great.
two, even though i really do feel like i have a shit pain tolerance my feet were literally bleeding because of my shoes in DC and i did not take any action about this until K and R told me to. it hurt, but not, like, a lot.
possibly i have a better pain tolerance.
...
anyway. recently during my work as a barista, my hands and wrists and forearms have been quite annoying. my wrists keep sparking when i pick up milk cartons or shake whip cream and i have to do those things many times during the course of a day. it hurts to close my hands and they’re usually very stiff but probably not clinically stiff. my tendons seem...unhappy...but fuck if i know. i sleep in wrists braces every night and have for years, i ice my hands and wrists at least once a week, typing is still hella painful and i don’t draw or sew very much anymore and i cannot shake the conviction that there is Nothing To Be Done and also that i am feeling my nerves dying every day. which. uh. not great.
(and also - my ankles hurt all the time, i stand up for seven hours a day, what do you expect? my back hurts, so what, everyone’s back hurts. sometimes my knee wrenches but idk, man, it does that.)
i can’t tell what’s a reasonable, measured reaction, what’s abject denial, and what’s overwhelming anxiety and desperation to have anything that isn’t The Fake Special Snowflake Disease For Special Snowflake People.
according to the Mayo Clinic, “See your doctor if you have persistent signs and symptoms suggestive of carpal tunnel syndrome that interfere with your normal activities and sleep patterns. Permanent nerve and muscle damage can occur without treatment.” uhhhhhhhh
tingling and numbness have occurred for the past two and a half years, although they’ve gotten much worse recently. i haven’t been woken up because of it, but, like. if i woke up every time i was in pain i would be awake a lot. weakness hasn’t really happened yet. pain is, y’know, kind of a thing.
i’m vaguely worried that i could have more things ala tendinitis but no way am i going to think about that too hard.
options:
continue ignoring everything. this one looks very stupid but i am tempted. if i think i need carpal release surgery i could try to get it then, otherwise i’m pretty much doing okay on prevention and am doing decently at ergonomic support. if i get told to ice my wrists or something i will scream
go to a doctor. a diagnosis would probably make me feel better but also what if i don’t get one, and there isn’t much to be done anyway unless i need surgery which i do not think i do. if i have tendinitis i might get a steroid shot, but really, i don’t think i do? i don’t want to think about it, i am so tired of thinking about my shit body, i don’t want to
go to the chiropractor. this looks like a nice middle balance and i could ask about carpal tunnel in a less serious environment and it might help, but uggggh, why can’t i just...continue ignoring everything. “permanent nerve and muscle damage” sounds serious but not being able to stand without being in a fuckload of pain sounded serious to me in junior year and here we are, with awesome headache meds and a dubiously effective pain tolerance.
at what point does pain interfere with my life? when i notice it? when i start dropping things? when i can’t hold a pencil? idk, man. i d fucking k
oh, yeah, and another thing, my headaches have been..sort of a thing lately. at this point i’m going to have to get a freakin anti-headache earring like it’s a sigil to ward off a demon and/or i will have to get botox shots every three months like a soccer mom desperately sneaking in to the doctor’s office to make herself feel just a tiny bit better about her miserable life and wrinkles, because obviously a 40 year old showing signs of age is A Sin Against Beauty And An Affront To Nature
(note the increasingly bitter and jaded tone of this post. do i sound hysterical yet)
pain is very stupid and i am SO ANNOYED
....probably i should schedule a chiropractor appointment. i shall pester my mom about that now
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seraphichan · 7 years
Text
Protean/Indigenous
(also on ao3)
~~~~~
It was one of those small, backwater towns where if you weren’t born there you stood out like a sore thumb.
Levi tended to stand out like a sore thumb anyway, so he was doubly damned as he drove through the square in his black hybrid, designer sunglasses on his face, Vivaldi blasting out of his speakers.
He probably could have done a better job of blending in - picked up a Garth Brooks album, wore camo, learned to spit, practiced saying the word “y’all” - but he refused to swap his pretty and posh style for poor and podunk just so he could blend in for the short time he would be there.
Levi parked his car in front of a squat brick building that was squeezed between the general store and the barber shop. The sign out front simply read Smith’s in large, golden letters, but there was other writing embossed on the windows detailing the business. It was a combination notary, attorney office, and - Levi squinted to make sure he was reading it right - home of the Arsene County Knitting Club.
That was...interesting.
Levi ran his hand through his hair and adjusted the knot of his scarf before he got out of his car and wandered inside. There was no one around when he entered, but the bell that rang above his head was sure to bring them eventually, so Levi passed the time inspecting one of the very intricate quilts that hung framed on the wall.
“Hello,” said a voice and Levi turned.
To find a fucking giant.
“I’m Erwin,” he said, holding out his hand. “You must be Levi.”
“Is it that obvious?” Levi asked after a moment, taking the man’s hand and shaking it, trying not to stare at his eyebrows.
“We don’t get much variety here, so I just assumed.”
“Well, you assumed right.”
Erwin smiled.
“My apologies for the wait. I was organizing some files in the back. I’ve been meaning to do it for ages,” he chuckled. “Anyway, I have your paperwork ready for review if you’d like to have a seat.”
He gestured to a plush chair in front of one of the desks. Levi sat and Erwin did the same on the other side, pulled a folder from a drawer, and opened it up.
“You were related to the late Mr. Ackerman through your mother?”
“Yeah.”
In fact his mother was the only reason he was here. Levi didn’t have many mementos of her, only a few photos and an embroidered handkerchief. Levi was hoping that Kenny might have something more - the man may have been a royal asshole, but he loved his sister - and decided he would take some time off to dig through Kenny’s things before putting it all up for auction.
“He was her brother. My uncle.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
Levi nodded and shrugged, not really sure how to respond. Erwin seemed to pick up on this, dipping his head in apology and clearing his throat before delving into the rest of the information before him.
After what seemed like the longest hour of Levi’s life, and the beginning of carpal tunnel from all the papers he had to sign, they were finished. Erwin took a few moments to collect everything back into the folder before sliding it back into the desk.
“And that is that,” he sighed. “Now that we’ve gotten all the technical stuff out of the way, we can visit the house.”
We?
“It’s fine, I can go myself. I have the address.”
Erwin’s gaze flicked outside briefly to look at Levi’s car. “As capable as I’m sure your mode of transportation is, I would advise against using it. The road’s a bit...rough.”
Understatement of the fucking century.
Levi would have bottomed out his car in the very first pothole. Erwin’s truck sat higher and was much better suited for traversing this shit fest that he called a road. Still, Levi had to hold onto the door with one hand and the seat with the other to keep himself from rocking back and forth too violently and cracking his head open on the window. He also had to keep himself from accidentally biting his tongue off because Erwin insisted on making small talk as they plodded along.
“What do you do for work, Levi?”
“I’m a broker.”
“Oh? Do you like it?”
“It’s boring, but it pays.”
Erwin hummed. There was a short stretch of silence and then he asked
“How long do you plan on staying?”
“Two weeks. At most.”
“That’s a shame...Ah, here we are.”
They rounded a bend in the road, the house coming into view, and Levi grimaced.
It looked like a steaming pile of shit. The flowerbeds were overgrown, the roof desperately needed patched, all of the windows of the second floor were broken and boarded up, and the greenhouse - which would have been a redeeming addition to the property - was being used as a storage shed.
Of course, Levi imagined it was actually much nicer on the inside. Kenny was the kind of guy that would keep his house in ruins on the outside to throw people off. No one was going to attempt to rob an old man that lived in a dilapidated shack.
Erwin climbed the front porch stairs, Levi lingering back in case the creaking wood couldn’t hold both their weight at the same time, and opened the screen door.
Which promptly fell off of the frame leaving Erwin to stand there and awkwardly hold it upright by the handle.
“It seems,” he said as he propped it against the house, “that the hinges have rusted.”
Levi snorted. Another thing that Kenny most likely did on purpose. The back door would probably be a better entry point. Levi was about to suggest they try it when he heard a rustle and turned his head in time to watch a man taller than Erwin - were all people born in the sticks this huge? - emerge from the woods.
“Who the fuck?” Levi blurted.
At Levi’s question Erwin turned from his inspection of the door and made a noise of recognition.
“Mike? What brings you here?”
“Tracking that coon that’s been in our bins.”
“Any luck?”
Mike held up a burlap sack and grinned. “Yup.”
Oh my god.
Erwin smiled at him and came down the porch, Mike meeting him halfway and giving him a kiss. Levi’s eyebrows shot up. Maybe this town wasn’t as behind the times as he thought it was going to be, not that it erased the awkwardness of watching two people he didn’t know smooch a mere two feet away from him.
Mike nodded at Levi when they parted. “Who’s this?”
“Oh! Mike, Levi. Levi, Mike,” Erwin said, pointing between the two in way of introduction. “This is the person I mentioned the other night.”
“The only living relative you could find to take over that Kenny guy’s estate?”
“The very same.”
Mike gave Levi a quick once-over. “Nice scarf.”
Levi narrowed his eyes at Mike. Was this fucker making fun of him?
“I can’t pull one off.”
“They make him look like Freddy from Scooby-Doo,” Erwin added jovially.
Mike nudged him in the leg with the dead raccoon. “Looks good on you, though,” he said to Levi.
“It does,” Erwin agreed.
“Thanks?”
Levi’s mind was reeling. This was all so fucking weird. If it wasn’t for the still steady throbbing of his wrist he would swear he was having an out-of-body experience.
“Should we get back to looking at the house?” Erwin asked.
“Actually,” Levi began, “I’m kind of tired. From the drive.” And the headache that was developing from this entire situation. “Is there a place I can stay?”
Levi had looked for lodging beforehand. The closest place was thirty minutes out of town, some motel that probably should have been demolished in the 80s. He was hoping that there was something else, though, a local secret of sorts, not listed on the internet.
“We don’t have anything in town,” Mike said.
Fucking great.
“There’s that motel down the road,” Erwin chimed in, “but it’s a half an hour drive one way. To make that trip in the morning and then back at night after all the days of hard work you’ll be doing…”
Levi shrugged. “It is what it is.”
“Nonsense.” He paused for a moment. “I know. Why don’t you stay with us?”
That caught Levi off-guard. “Uh,” he articulated.
“What do you think?” Erwin asked Mike.
“Sure. We’ve got the spare room.”
“Wonderful.” Erwin clapped his hands together, effectively ending the short, very one-sided conversation. “So what would you like for dinner?”
They both looked at Levi expectantly.
“Uh,” he repeated.
“What about this?” Mike asked, holding up the sack.
“There’s an idea. I haven’t had coon in a while,” Erwin said.
Wait, were they serious? How did you even eat a raccoon? Could you even eat one? Levi was beginning to feel sick just thinking about it.
“Soup or saute?” Mike asked.
“It’s still fairly early. I think there’s time for it to stew.”
Levi was in a daze as he followed them back to Erwin’s truck. They all climbed in, sandwiching Levi in the middle with the dead raccoon, and then they were bumping back down the road, Levi wondering what sort of fucked up Twilight Zone shit he had just gotten himself into.
8 notes · View notes
bookthievery · 3 years
Text
somewhere along the way i learned that journaling doesn’t count unless you use actual pen and paper and that robbed me of many, many years’ worth of documented thoughts + events because it Wasn’t Allowed for me to use a word processor as a journal. 
no, seriously, i didn’t realize this was an option until ~2019-2020 when someone i follow released a memoir and recounted how he combed through his journals + electronic diary files in writing said memoir and my mind was frikkin blown. 
anyway. something something intrinsically ableist something something rules are stupid something something and if a rule or aesthetic is actively preventing you from doing something you wish you could do...break the rule. seriously. it’s your life. 
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chronicallypainful · 7 years
Note
What's your story? Sorry if this is too intrusive I saw you say something about curling into a ball and crying about how you have no future and then getting better?? And I'm in the same position right now so I guess I'm looking for hope
My story. I'm not sure my life (or human lives in general) fits into a neat story structure. The story of how I got the diagnosis is long and complicated, with plenty of dead ends along the way. The story of how I learned to cope is even longer. But let me try to give a summary.
I first had persistent pain as a junior in high school. I was attending a boarding school, which emphasized an academically rigorous curriculum. It was a supportive environment, where I felt strong ties to both my peers and my instructors, but the pain was still terrifying.
It started in my wrists, and I firmly believe that I had and overuse injury, probably carpal tunnel or similar. I read everything I could about those sorts of injuries, while also applying my perfectionism to ergonomics.
As the pain didn't go away and started to migrate into my elbows, I found myself in a place of conflict. On one hand, everything I was reading about overuse injuries told me to stop. Stop typing. Stop using the computer. Don't aggravate the condition. On the other hand, I was a student, and a perfectionistic one at that. I felt that I had to use the computer. I had school work to do.
In this time period, I did start investigating assistive technologies. I started using Dragon NaturallySpeaking for as much computer work as I could. (Dragon NaturallySpeaking is software that allows me to talk to my computer to write text and, to a limited degree, navigate the user interface.) However, the software did not work for mathematics and computer science. In those subjects, I was stuck with a keyboard.
I also investigated mouse alternatives and ergonomic keyboards. I tried several, including trackballs, large touchpads, and split keyboards. Some of them resulted in a slight reduction in pain, but they all still hurt.
I was willing to cause myself pain and, I thought, possibly physical harm in the name of academic work, but I could not justify that risk when it came to my hobbies. I completely stopped playing to musical instruments, playing video games, doing hobbyist computer programming, and knitting.
While all of this is going on, I am doing my best to consult medical professionals. The nurse practitioner who was my primary care physician at the time dismissed my concerns, saying I had tendinitis and telling me to take ibuprofen and ice the area daily. A few months later, I saw an orthopedist who, after ruling out any structural problems, sent me to physical therapy. In physical therapy, I did build strength, but it did not reduce my pain.
This general pattern continued for at least two years. I struggled through school, always managing to excel academically, but also always fearing that I was hurting myself with my computer use. I continued to use speech to text software to write papers where I could, but that software continued to be useless in mathematics and computer science. The pain continued to spread, affecting more and more of my body over time. I saw several more doctors, who continued to be useless.
When I went to college, I majored in mathematics. I thought about computer science, but my inability to type made that an unattainable goal. Nonetheless, I do love mathematics, and I do not regret that choice.
One other thing changed when I went to college; I registered with disability services. Overall, that office was not particularly helpful to me. But, I did now have documentation that I could take to my professors and explain that I could not write or type (much). Unlike in high school, I took the approach that I wasn't going to cause myself unnecessary pain by doing significant fine motor activities. The math department worked with me very well, and I took many oral exams and even submitted a fair bit of oral homework while an undergraduate student.
However, by my sophomore year, it was becoming clear just how much this condition was a disability when it came to my imagined future in mathematics. I could not write down my own mathematical ideas. I couldn't work out a critical computation on a chalkboard, and I also couldn't write a mathematics paper. It felt to me like all of my mathematical ideas were necessarily filtered through someone else. And that felt very confining. The best analogy I can give is that of a painter forced to "paint" only by telling an assistant what to do. She is never allowed to touch the paintbrush herself; only to give descriptions to the assistant.
There were a number of reasons why I now see that my thinking at that time was wrong, but, at that time, I felt hopeless. I have a very clear memory of myself sitting/lying on the rug in my dorm room and crying. I was in constant physical pain. I couldn't see how I had a future in mathematics, but I also couldn't see any other future for myself. I felt worthless, hopeless, and extremely angry. I rolled around on that rug, sobbing uncontrollably while also fighting the urge to punch things, to break things.
That was the point where I realized I needed help. Once I had calmed down from my hour or so of crying, the depth of my anger was a wake-up call for me. I called the counseling center at my college and set up an appointment.
And, slowly, pieces started to fall into place. I participated in group therapy, focused on cognitive behavioral therapy skill building. I learned to separate out thoughts, emotions, and actions. I learned to identify some of the thought patterns that had previously trapped me. I listened to my peers talk about their challenges, and I shared my own. I gave voice to my fears, and I no longer felt like I was facing the world alone. In short, I learned to cope.
About a year later, I finally got a diagnosis. (I'm omitting the long string of doctors and other medical professionals that led to that diagnosis. There is a list in one of my recent posts.) Central sensitization syndrome. Very similar to fibromyalgia or chronic myofascial pain syndrome. There is no cure, and there are very few effective treatments. But it did establish, once and for all, that this disease is not my fault. I didn't do this to myself by abusing my body at the keyboard; this disease is neurochemical.
About a year after my diagnosis, I found the tumblr spoonie community and started writing about my experiences. This community has meant a lot to me. It has helped me learn how to communicate, and reminded me that I'm not alone in this often confusing experience.
Over the next couple of years, I had a few more small victories. I found a good physical therapist, who I worked with for a little over a year, and we did manage to improve my pain somewhat. I finally made some progress on assistive technology for writing mathematics, and, for the first time in years, I was able to write part of my own paper. I graduated, with honors, from my college with a bachelors of science degree in mathematics. I was accepted into a well-respected graduate program, and I was granted financial support to study there.
My first semester graduate school tossed me some extra challenges in the form of extreme fatigue and sleepiness. I was falling asleep in lecture after lecture during my first semester. In February, I was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea and began treatment with CPAP. Over the past approximately one year, I have worked with my sleep doctor to control the residual sleepiness that remained even with CPAP. It's not perfect, but I am doing much better.
More recently, I passed a major set of exams for my graduate program, and I'm starting to identify potential research topics/advisors as I move forward in my program.
It's late, and I need to go to bed. I hope what I've written is at least semi-coherent. In addition to being tired, I wrote it with speech to text software, and I haven't proofread thoroughly.
I hope this is helpful. As I reflect on my experiences, what I see is the story of how I learned to live with illness and disability, how I adapted, and how I grew. It's not easy, and it took years. And I still have to work at some of it today. I still have to remind myself that it's okay to be disabled, to reassure myself that it's okay to ask for help, and to drag my brain out of catastrophizeing thought spirals. I still have bad days, both mentally and physically, and there are still days when I want nothing more than to take a deep breath and scream at the top of my lungs. But I am grateful. I am grateful for this life. I am grateful for this opportunity to live, to experience so many wonderful things, and to hopefully have a net positive impact on the lives of the people around me. And I'm hopeful about the future. Not so much about the idea that I might one day be cured (though that would be great!), but about all of the awesome things that I am going to do as a disabled person. I'm excited for the art I will make, the math I will do, the assistive technology that I will invent, the lives I will touch with kindness and compassion. I live with constant physical pain, but I have made it to a place where I am still so amazingly grateful to be alive. 
As far as I can tell, that’s reason to hope.  I wish you the best.
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fishermariawo · 6 years
Text
I Hope I Can Make This the Best Decade Yet
It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!
A lot of us work hard most of our life so that we can enjoy our retirement and do all the things we never had time to do when we were younger and worked long hours for little pay. The problem with that, however, is being old can pretty much suck especially with all the chronic disease that is so prevalent in Western society. Being overweight, poor digestion, fatigue and joint pain are symptoms that I am very familiar with and are just part of the aging process……or at least that’s what I used to think. They certainly create major impediments to living an active lifestyle and enjoying life.
I always loved competitive sports growing up especially baseball and football. Although good enough to make the high school teams, I was mediocre at best, but it was still a great experience which I will always treasure. It taught me many valuable lessons which proved critical to me later in life. I also spent 2-3 years of 5 days a week of “home” weight lifting in my basement and then best friend’s root cellar. We had no idea what we were doing but worked hard an hour or two most days and were very competitive. I became quite strong for a wimp weighing 142 pounds (benched 295) but never could put on any bulk. My friend on the other hand bulked up to about 180, left me in the dust, and continues to lift to this day.
So as an adult I took up tennis to get my competitive fix; thinking I could play the rest of my life. When I retired at 60 I was looking forward to playing tennis five days a week and working out at the gym; which I did for a couple years. Then I developed joint issues requiring surgery for De Quervain’s tenosynovitis and again for carpal tunnel syndrome. While preparing for surgery I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. After the surgeries I quit playing singles and focused on doubles as I was having too many cramping issues probably tied to the statin drugs I was taking for high cholesterol; as heart disease runs in my family. The thyroid medications probably didn’t help either.
In Nov 2013 my wife and I took a 30 day trip to Germany to visit our two daughters and grandkids for the holidays. Both of their husbands were in the Air Force, assigned to Ramstein AFB. I also had spent 5 years at Ramstein as a federal civilian; so we were also looking forward to the German brotchen and beer which we both loved. While in transit to Germany I was doing research on wild caught salmon as I decided I wanted to focus more on getting healthy and fit. The article I read came from MarksDailyApple and I became hooked. By the time I returned to the states in mid December I had spent hundreds of hours reading the blog.
I couldn’t wait to start my Primal journey on 1 Jan 2014; thinking it would be too difficult to begin right before Christmas. On 1 Jan 2014 I jumped into the Primal lifestyle and focused on high healthy fats like coconut oil, grass fed butter and avocados. Also lots of meat, fish, fresh vegetables and salads. Although the 80-20 strategy was pivotal to me believing this lifestyle was sustainable; I ended up with about 95-5 compliance. I still drink wine and/or beer almost every day in moderation of course.
A little more background on my body type, weight and the goals I hoped to achieve. I was never considered fat by my contemporaries. Although I wanted to lose some weight (15 pounds) my primary objective was to improve my fitness and quality of life. When I retired in 2006 my weight was 178 and my waist was around 37 inches.
Once I started playing lots of tennis I dropped 10 pounds and could wear 36 inch waist comfortably. I felt pretty good about myself but knew I still had a spare tire around my middle and had lots of muscle cramps and joint pain. On 1 Jan 2014 I started my journey and went from 168 pounds to 150 in 45 days. I was shocked at how fast the weight came off and how much better I felt. I quit all medications as well as over the counter pills like aspirin, tylenol, aleve, etc. Since I previously lost 10 pounds after retiring I thought I was done (28 pound loss) and wanted to see if I could maintain this weight over time.
I became even more focused (my wife would say fanatic) and started reading and listening to podcasts 3-4 hours every day on paleo/primal and functional medicine. I started playing singles again as well as going to the fitness center for 30 minutes 3 times a week for resistance training. I experimented on myself often, figuring I have little to lose and much to gain considering my age. A few of the more important hacks I utilize are Bulletproof coffee (3 cups per day/3-4 Tbsp of coconut oil and grassfed butter), taking potato starch, ACV daily, diatomaceous earth, bentonite clay, etc.
Intermittent fasting and keto have been the two most critical components of continued weight loss. I often only eat one meal per day in the late afternoon primarily because I am not very hungry even though I am pretty active. I do believe that most of us eat too much and that feeling a little hungry is important to a longer and healthier life. I have snacks like nuts and seeds, or a cup of bone broth, boiled eggs, sardines, etc. I average less than 45 carbs per day. My wife thinks I am too thin and I agree I looked better when I was heavier but I feel much better than I have in a very long time. I still have thyroid issues and some joint pain but hope to mitigate that over time. My current weight is 138 plus or minus 2 pounds contingent on my activities.
I will always be indebted to Mark Sisson and his Primal Blog which I continue to refer people to and read on a regular basis. The Primal Blueprint by Mark is a must read for anyone considering the ancestral health lifestyle.
From my perspective the most important impact this lifestyle has had on me is psychological, my outlook on life…….getting old but still looking forward. Growing old can be depressing at times especially if you have numerous health issues and take lots of medications. Living longer might be nice but is not the objective…….being healthy, having fun and enjoying family and friends for the time you do have is. For some strange reason my high school yearbook caption from 1964 was: “The Days of our Youth are the Days of our Glory.” I hope that I can turn that on it’s head and make this decade the best yet. Grok on!
Vital Statistics:
5’8” tall
138 pounds
31 inch waist
Total Cholesterol from 271 (Jan 2014) to 233 (Feb 2017) and don’t want it to get any lower
Triglycerides from 219 to 45
HDL from 34 to 66 BMI approx 20.6
Body Fat – by scale Est 12%
Age 71
0 notes
watsonrodriquezie · 6 years
Text
I Hope I Can Make This the Best Decade Yet
It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!
A lot of us work hard most of our life so that we can enjoy our retirement and do all the things we never had time to do when we were younger and worked long hours for little pay. The problem with that, however, is being old can pretty much suck especially with all the chronic disease that is so prevalent in Western society. Being overweight, poor digestion, fatigue and joint pain are symptoms that I am very familiar with and are just part of the aging process……or at least that’s what I used to think. They certainly create major impediments to living an active lifestyle and enjoying life.
I always loved competitive sports growing up especially baseball and football. Although good enough to make the high school teams, I was mediocre at best, but it was still a great experience which I will always treasure. It taught me many valuable lessons which proved critical to me later in life. I also spent 2-3 years of 5 days a week of “home” weight lifting in my basement and then best friend’s root cellar. We had no idea what we were doing but worked hard an hour or two most days and were very competitive. I became quite strong for a wimp weighing 142 pounds (benched 295) but never could put on any bulk. My friend on the other hand bulked up to about 180, left me in the dust, and continues to lift to this day.
So as an adult I took up tennis to get my competitive fix; thinking I could play the rest of my life. When I retired at 60 I was looking forward to playing tennis five days a week and working out at the gym; which I did for a couple years. Then I developed joint issues requiring surgery for De Quervain’s tenosynovitis and again for carpal tunnel syndrome. While preparing for surgery I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. After the surgeries I quit playing singles and focused on doubles as I was having too many cramping issues probably tied to the statin drugs I was taking for high cholesterol; as heart disease runs in my family. The thyroid medications probably didn’t help either.
In Nov 2013 my wife and I took a 30 day trip to Germany to visit our two daughters and grandkids for the holidays. Both of their husbands were in the Air Force, assigned to Ramstein AFB. I also had spent 5 years at Ramstein as a federal civilian; so we were also looking forward to the German brotchen and beer which we both loved. While in transit to Germany I was doing research on wild caught salmon as I decided I wanted to focus more on getting healthy and fit. The article I read came from MarksDailyApple and I became hooked. By the time I returned to the states in mid December I had spent hundreds of hours reading the blog.
I couldn’t wait to start my Primal journey on 1 Jan 2014; thinking it would be too difficult to begin right before Christmas. On 1 Jan 2014 I jumped into the Primal lifestyle and focused on high healthy fats like coconut oil, grass fed butter and avocados. Also lots of meat, fish, fresh vegetables and salads. Although the 80-20 strategy was pivotal to me believing this lifestyle was sustainable; I ended up with about 95-5 compliance. I still drink wine and/or beer almost every day in moderation of course.
A little more background on my body type, weight and the goals I hoped to achieve. I was never considered fat by my contemporaries. Although I wanted to lose some weight (15 pounds) my primary objective was to improve my fitness and quality of life. When I retired in 2006 my weight was 178 and my waist was around 37 inches.
Once I started playing lots of tennis I dropped 10 pounds and could wear 36 inch waist comfortably. I felt pretty good about myself but knew I still had a spare tire around my middle and had lots of muscle cramps and joint pain. On 1 Jan 2014 I started my journey and went from 168 pounds to 150 in 45 days. I was shocked at how fast the weight came off and how much better I felt. I quit all medications as well as over the counter pills like aspirin, tylenol, aleve, etc. Since I previously lost 10 pounds after retiring I thought I was done (28 pound loss) and wanted to see if I could maintain this weight over time.
I became even more focused (my wife would say fanatic) and started reading and listening to podcasts 3-4 hours every day on paleo/primal and functional medicine. I started playing singles again as well as going to the fitness center for 30 minutes 3 times a week for resistance training. I experimented on myself often, figuring I have little to lose and much to gain considering my age. A few of the more important hacks I utilize are Bulletproof coffee (3 cups per day/3-4 Tbsp of coconut oil and grassfed butter), taking potato starch, ACV daily, diatomaceous earth, bentonite clay, etc.
Intermittent fasting and keto have been the two most critical components of continued weight loss. I often only eat one meal per day in the late afternoon primarily because I am not very hungry even though I am pretty active. I do believe that most of us eat too much and that feeling a little hungry is important to a longer and healthier life. I have snacks like nuts and seeds, or a cup of bone broth, boiled eggs, sardines, etc. I average less than 45 carbs per day. My wife thinks I am too thin and I agree I looked better when I was heavier but I feel much better than I have in a very long time. I still have thyroid issues and some joint pain but hope to mitigate that over time. My current weight is 138 plus or minus 2 pounds contingent on my activities.
I will always be indebted to Mark Sisson and his Primal Blog which I continue to refer people to and read on a regular basis. The Primal Blueprint by Mark is a must read for anyone considering the ancestral health lifestyle.
From my perspective the most important impact this lifestyle has had on me is psychological, my outlook on life…….getting old but still looking forward. Growing old can be depressing at times especially if you have numerous health issues and take lots of medications. Living longer might be nice but is not the objective…….being healthy, having fun and enjoying family and friends for the time you do have is. For some strange reason my high school yearbook caption from 1964 was: “The Days of our Youth are the Days of our Glory.” I hope that I can turn that on it’s head and make this decade the best yet. Grok on!
Vital Statistics:
5’8” tall
138 pounds
31 inch waist
Total Cholesterol from 271 (Jan 2014) to 233 (Feb 2017) and don’t want it to get any lower
Triglycerides from 219 to 45
HDL from 34 to 66 BMI approx 20.6
Body Fat – by scale Est 12%
Age 71
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