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#also look at my completely unrelated title just because my brain couldn’t come up with one ahhshs
veryholland · 3 years
Note
prompt #20 from the list! “bandaging/stitching up an injury” maybe with frat!tom getting into a fight or punching a guy from getting too close to the reader at a party? 🤍
sorry i’m spamming ur inbox lol ;p
PEACHY
pairing: frat!tom x reader | word count: 992 | warnings: mild injuries | touch prompts
a/n: liv! thank you so much for requesting this. i planned on writing requests in the order they were submitted but i really couldn't put off yours any longer. more or less by coincidence, this includes @spidey-sophie's request (17: holding the other's chin up) as well, so i hope you don't mind that i combined those! enjoy reading! x
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“What the hell, Tom? Do you want everyone to know?”
With a heavy thud, the door of the upstairs bathroom slams shut behind you. The bass of the music can still be heard through the wooden surface but it might as well be the sound of your heart thumping against your ribcage. Inside, the air smells clean. Gone is the unpleasant smell of sweaty bodies grinding against each other and spilt beer. Drawing in a calming breath through your parted lips, you turn around, finally facing him.
You never intended to get involved with a frat boy. In fact, just a year ago you would’ve laughed straight into anyone’s face who even suggested diving into a relationship with a member of the frat – that was until Tom happened.
Whatever it was that the both of you shared, it was hidden away from plain sight. Concealed behind closed doors and treasured beneath sheets.
In the beginning, it was all fun and games. The exhilarating buzz of hiding your infatuation with each other – sneaking into the frat house after curfew to spend just a few treasured hours together, exchanging texts during class when none of your friends were looking and holding back when all you wanted to do was smile at him across the hallway.
All fun and games – until it wasn’t anymore. Looking at his battered and bruised face, you now realise it only led to trouble.
A frown is holding tight over his features, his muscular chest rising and falling with rapid breaths and his grey shirt is rumpled. A few curls are sticking out from beneath his cap, the frat logo woven into its dark blue fabric now almost taunting you. But what draws in your gaze the most, is the nasty cut on his cheek and another one tearing right through his rosy and plump bottom lip.
“Sit down, I can’t look at this,” you say, not even trying to downplay the sharp timbre of your voice. After gathering your hair up into a messy but nowhere near decent bun, you turn to the cabinet, rummaging through drawers in search of a first aid kit.
“No need to fuss, I told you, I’m fucking fine.”
Frustration is clearly layering his words but they are closely followed by a defeated sigh as he slumps down onto the bathtub’s edge.
Pushing around a few toiletries, you finally spot a small bottle of disinfectant and take it out with a short but triumphant hum, before putting it next to the gauze pads you found just a couple of drawers below. After gathering it all in your hold, you close the drawer with a kick of your foot and turn back around just to be met with a sight that pulls heavy at your chest.
His head hung low, Tom is cradling the already peachy and bruised knuckles of his right hand in his left palm, shoulders slumped, gaze fixed onto the ground.
“You would be fine if you hadn’t punched him.” Your voice was now remarkably softer compared to how all of this started out, but you still couldn’t drop the bitter connotation.
Charged silence wraps itself around you as you step closer. For a moment you put the bottle of disinfectant onto the bathtub’s edge, using your free hand to remove his baseball cap, allowing you to get a proper look at his cuts. Your gentle touch is a prominent contrast to your clear irritation as your fingers find his chin, tilting it up slightly.
Once your eyes meet his honeycomb ones – the dark brown colour laced with something unrecognisable – his legs subconsciously part, allowing you to step closer in order to fittingly tend to his wounds.
“This is gonna hurt,” you warn softly, waiting for his nod of confirmation before continuing. Your hand is still cradling his chin as you use the other to dab the gauze pad over the peachy skin around the bruise that now finally stopped bleeding. His eyes flutter shut and a hiss flies past his lips, but he doesn’t flinch away from your touch.
You feel his eyes on you as you work around his face in silence and although you’re still mad, you can’t help but calmly smooth the pad of your thumb over his skin whenever the stinging sensation makes him draw in a sharp breath.
The tip of your tongue pushes past your parted lips in concentration as you dab along the curve of his lip with the last bit of sterile gauze. You turn around to pick up a new pad but his fingers curl around your wrist, effectively stilling your movements.
“I do,” he says, filling the silence, his voice soft and unsure, barely audible. Eyebrows drawn together in confusion, you look down at him.
“I do,” he repeats, voice now layered with more tenacity. “I want everyone to know.”
He stands up, completely ignoring your protests, but you fall silent when his uninjured hand comes up to twist a strand of your hair around his finger and his eyes connect with yours once more, fueling the churning attraction in your belly.
“I want everyone to know that this is about more than just a stupid brawl between frat bros.” He takes a step forward.
“I want everyone to know that when you return to the dorms past curfew, it’s because we couldn’t stop watching love island episodes on my laptop.” Another step.
“I want everyone to know that the hickeys you get asked about by your friends are the marks I put onto your skin.”
„I want everyone to know about you and me.“
He’s been slowly backing you up against the door, hands now braced on either side of your head as your heart picks up speed with every single one of his passing words. Tom pauses, drawing in a deep breath before speaking up again, the timbre of his voice now remarkably soft and airy.
“I want everyone to know that I am in love with you, y/n.”
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okay so, here’s that :D getting back into writing really is an unmatchable feeling and i had so much fun writing this. i’m slowly finding my way back into the flow but yeah, let me know if you liked it! tips are always welcome! sending lots of hugs x
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shadowed-dancer · 3 years
Text
My Thoughts on the New MHA Opening and Ending
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I have thoughts, and I will share them because oh boy if I don’t get this out I’m gonna explode
Vague Spoilers for the manga (up to chapter 258 and vigilantes) because I discuss the upcoming arcs, but I don’t discuss any major plot points in detail. Still, proceed with caution if you’re anime only
Keep in mind, this OP and ED will cover the Endeavour Agency Arc and the MVA Arc, so I will be judging them accordingly.
First, the OP
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This is a good OP... in theory (that’s going to become my catchphrase for this post). It’s nice to look at and flows pretty well, but my biggest problem is that it doesn’t do it’s job. An OP is supposed to be a sort of... summary (?) of the Cour it plays for. That means any cool plot points, emotional beats, and important characters should be featured in some way, shape, or form. We’ll talk about that more later, but first let’s discuss the music.
The song is really good. I have a feeling it will continue to grow on me as I listen to it more often, but yeah my first impression is that the song sounds great. My only complaint about the music itself is that it ends kind of abruptly (I noticed this is the JT opening too). The previous openings used to have a bit of instrumental to “play us out” and lead us to the end card, but this one feels like it ends very suddenly and unnaturally.
As for the visuals...
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Yeah alright I’ll admit, the visuals are stunning... in theory. I appreciate the variety in backgrounds and colours, it makes the OP really interesting to look at. This was actually one of my biggest problems with the JT Opening, it all took place on the training grounds, so there was no variety (everything was metal tubes with a blue sky, with only 3 shots set somewhere different). I appreciate the style of this OP.
But like I said, that’s only in theory, as in, through screenshots these are all pleasing to look at. The pacing of this OP is wild, and I truly don’t know who to blame for this.
That sunset shot above? It lasts approximately 12 seconds, zooming in every few to make it seem like something is happening (when in reality it’s still the same poses, angles, etc). While there’s nothing wrong with a nice, drawn out shot, it becomes irritating when compared to the pacing of the rest of this op.
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At the 41 second mark, we are given the shot above. It has flowed directly from the previous sunset scene. We still have not moved away from the image of the trio (aside from the opening shot and the title card) yet we’re approaching the halfway mark of the OP.
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The next shot is the MLA, which lasts about 5 seconds. Ok, perfect. Not too long, but also not short enough to be confusing. It cuts away a little fast once the dude on the far left appears, but does anyone actually know who that is? No, seriously, I’m asking. I don’t remember his name and he’s not on the wiki, so I can only assume he’s not important. Therefore, it’s not all that bad if the shot cuts away shortly after he comes into frame. The audience is able to take in the scene without having to pause...
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... And then the problems start
While this shot is fine in theory, it pans up fast and  cuts away quickly. You know how hard it was for me to get this screenshot? Really hard. You want to know why I struggled so much? Because, due to the timing of the cut and the way it pans upwards, it’s almost impossible to pause on Dabi’s face. I literally had to go frame by frame to get it, because he’s in shot for so little time that naturally pausing is guaranteed to miss him.
When watching this in real time (without pausing) the cut away makes you feel as if you missed something because “something was there, I just couldn’t register what because now it’s gone”. Unlike Compress, who wears a very colourful coat you can recognize the entire time, Dabi’s pants are more blended into the background.
It also doesn’t help that this shot is literally composed to draw your attention away from Dabi until the last possible second. Due to framing, your eye is naturally drawn to the brightly coloured Toga in the foreground, making it super easy to miss Dabi in the back (until, of course, his bright face appears and contrasts against the background, drawing your eye just in time for the scene to change, leaving you to wonder who or what you missed).
I know this sounds like nitpicking, but this shot is the only group shot we get of the League, and is also the start of a seriously weird trend for the villains in this OP getting the short end of the stick.
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Anyways, then we get what I’ll call “The Carousel Shot” in which every Class 1A kid shows up and poses dramatically, as if they were on a carousel. It’s a lovely sequence and I really enjoy watching it but... why is it in this OP?
Seriously, this is a genuine question. Class 1A barely shows up in the Endeavour Agency Arc, and NONE of the students are in MVA. This sequence (not counting the three boys at the end) lasts 8 seconds. Why is this much time dedicated to characters who are barely in the arc? (Unless Studio Bones extends their work studies into fuller plot lines which oh my gosh please don’t do that, or if they do, do it quick).
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We then get what I call the “Oh God I Blinked And Missed Everything” sequence, which lasts 3 seconds (not including the longer, moving shot of Shigaraki at the end) and features NINE INDIVIDUAL IMAGES, none of which are related to each other. Not only is this 3 images per second, but the fact that they are all unrelated means you can’t even use previous information to fill in the blanks.
What do I mean by that? Well, imagine if I show you 9 images of various pro heroes posing. If I play that in 3 seconds you’ll absolutely miss some of them, but as long as you catch some you’ll still get an idea of what I’m trying to show to you. Your brain is able to fill in the gaps that “I recognized 4 pro heroes, therefore the rest must have also been pros” even if you didn’t register every single frame.
That doesn’t work if every frame features a completely different subject. The shots in this sequence vary so widely that it’s impossible to find a through line. Some feature multiple characters, some feature one, some are closeups, some are super far away, some are character’s we know, others are characters we don’t. It’s impossible to get a solid read on what you’re being shown.
Now, again, there’s nothing wrong with these super quick shots... in theory. The problem comes from the fact that these shots are the only indicators for some of the major themes that will be explored during this Cour (like Twice’s growth and young Shigaraki).
That being said, let’s move away from criticism and talk about speculation, because hidden amongst this sequence are two... interesting images.
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This All Might one is very reminiscent of the shot in Chapter 257, where Aizawa and All Might have a conversation while staring up at the stars. However, this is technically the start of the “War Arc” (or the “prologue”, if that’s what you want to call it), so this might indicate that we’re going to get farther into the series than a lot of us guessed.
(Many people suspected we’d get to that cliffhanger at the start of the season (if you read the manga you know the one), but after seeing the pacing for JT a lot of us assumed we’d be lucky to even finish Endeavour Agency. It seems we’re back to the cliffhanger now though lol). 
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This is another really interesting shot because it’s indicative of Shirakumo, meaning we might get to see Aizawa and Mic confront him some time this Cour (this also makes sense, since this confrontation technically happens before that All Might scene I mentioned in the previous paragraph).
But the cat specifically is a really strange addition. That cat is named Sushi and, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think Sushi is ever mentioned in the main series. I think he’s only in Vigilantes.
This might just be a little Easter Egg for Vigilante readers, but I’m personally hoping that they’ll add at least a few Vigilante shots in there to really tug at the heart strings. I’d say I want a whole Vigilante episode but I don’t think they have the time (unless they really cram MVA, which I do NOT want).
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I don’t have much to say about the last bit of the OP. The action shot between the 3 boys was nice, and it follows the sort of narrative through line they established from the early shot of them sitting at the sunset. I also like the shot of Endeavour fading in to replace All Might, even if it’s very simple.
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But I want to talk about an overarching problem I touched upon earlier in that villain shot: the way the villains are handled in this OP.
This is a good OP... in theory. The problem is, it doesn’t represent half the arcs in the cour! Every shot of the League is so rushed that you can barely register that they were on screen before they’re gone.
I have no idea how many Episodes Endeavour Agency will take, but I’d assume 3 (4 if you count the Christmas episode). 12 episodes for this Cour minus 3 for Endeavour Agency = 9 episodes left. If we truly do get the prologue for the War Arc (and if we assume it’s only 1 episode) that leaves us with 8 villains episodes.
8/12 episodes (aka two thirds of the Cour) will likely be about the villains. And yet they’re pushed to the background so hard in this OP.
I want to dream, and I want to believe that this OP is going to magically change when MVA starts. The song fits super well, and I can imagine like an inversion of the OP but from the Villain side! Wouldn’t that be neat? Imagine right after the “it’s alright” part Shigaraki just freaking decays the title card... oh man that would be so cool. But, alas, I highly doubt they’d do that.
Side rant, but you know what was so fun about MVA in the manga? It’s that, for 21 chapters, we leave the kids behind and the villains become our protagonists. Suddenly Shigaraki is the one we’re rooting for, suddenly we’re learning backstories for everyone, and suddenly we find ourselves just as attached to the villains as we are to the kids. It’s an inversion that’s SO RARE to find, and I think many people (myself included) were hoping it would be reflected in the OP.
A big part of being the protagonist means featuring heavily in the OP, and a lot of us just wanted the villains to get that honour, even if only once. As is, the OP still treats them as the antagonists when... really they aren’t. Not right now, at least.
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So yeah, final thoughts on the OP are that it’s good, it’s just not very representative of the arcs it’s supposed to cover. If this was just for Endeavour Agency, I’d say it’s actually really cool, but if we assume that this is what will play for the Villain Arc, then it simply doesn’t do it’s job. And it makes me sad to say that because, again, this OP is really well done.
If I had to rate it? Hmmm
If Studio Bones actually grants my wish and creates a different visual for the Villain Arc (while using the same song) and then this version only plays for the Endeavour Agency Arc and the War Prologue? I’d give it an 8/10. It’s really good, but it could use a few more elements that are clearly derived from the Agency Arc (ahem, Todoroki siblings).
But if this is the OP that will play for the entire Cour? a 6.5/10. It’s nice, but it’s not representative of one of the arcs it’s going to cover. And, unlike other arcs like Pro Hero or Summer Exams, the villain Arc is so important and takes up so much time that it honestly feels like a bit of a disservice.
Now for the Ending
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I want to say that I appreciate how soft this ending starts. This cour will likely feature a lot of episodes that end on... heavier themes, and I think the sight of peaceful, falling raindrops is the perfect way to let the audience process their emotions before starting the ending in earnest.
The song itself is very nice, and I like that it’s a bit slower than the more recent endings.
(Side note, but the FUNNIEST moment in the entire series is when Sir Nighteye dies because it’s so emotional and everyone is standing around his bed in his heartwrentching silence, only for the ending to come BLARING IN out of no where. If you forgot how jarringly hilarious it was, go listen to the Eri ending and tell me that’s not the funniest thing this series ever did. Anyways yeah I’m glad that’s not gonna happen this Cour).
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This ending is a bit all over the place in terms of it’s visuals, but honestly I think it works. Most endings usually have a theme tying them together (all the Class 1A girls, a fantasy AU, old photographs, planning a party, etc) but this ending’s theme is a bit harder to identify.
That being said, I think it’s just supposed to show everyone going about their day. It’s calm, it’s peaceful, and it’s just very sweet to think about
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I like this shot. Actually, scratch that, I like this whole sequence. I enjoy anything that allows Class 1A to chill and have fun.
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Hawks is featured quite heavily in this ending which, fair. He’s pretty important in this arc.
I really love the shot where Endeavour immediately switches to Hawks, I thought that was a lot of fun, and very good symbolism on how Hawks wants to be like Endeavour. I also love all the shots of Baby Hawks, because it’s adorable.
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Something about this shot is just so cute. It’s the little domestic things like waiting for a bus that make this ending feel... idk the word, real? It shows a side of the characters that we’ll never see in the episodes, but we know have to exist.
Like yes, of course the kids have to wait for the bus. We never see it, but of course there are those moments of quiet. Agh, I love it.
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The villains also make an appearance and I’m very happy about that (I’d love to see more of the villains just chilling around, I think they deserve it). I kind of wish they weren’t sitting in a dark room for the sake of being edgy, since I think it would be nice to see the villains just... sort of existing, but honestly it’s still a nice shot. I also like how this shot sort of mirrors the first one with Class 1A (someone coming in while everyone else is sitting and waiting for them).
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That being said, as much as I love looking at Dabi and his stupid face (affectionate)... why is Dabi the one getting the closeup?
Mind you, endings don’t need to be connected to their Cours (they can be, like the Eri one, but they don’t have to be). But this ending does seem to be connected to the arcs it intends to cover, given all the Hawks appearances, the boys wearing their work study scarves, etc.
So, I ask again, why Dabi? Out of the six League members, we learn the backstory for four of them in this arc (Shigaraki, Toga, Twice, and we very briefly learn about Spinner). The only two left out are Dabi and Compress.
I can only assume they chose Dabi because he’s constantly in contact with Hawks, and therefore that makes him important? If the OP told us anything, it’s that Bones values the Endeavour Agency Arc over the Villain Arc lol...
... Oh my gosh please tell me that’s not actually the reason Dabi is focused on here BONES WAI-
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Anyways, the ending comes to a close with Hawks watching over the kids and Endeavour. The relaxing time is done, it’s time for work studies.
Overall impression? It’s great. It’s hard to screw up an ending, so as long as you have something pretty on screen, it’s wonderful.
I’ll give this a 9/10
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sofwrites · 3 years
Note
for the prompt thing; polin + 41
41: sitting close and knees touching | Also my entry for Polin Week Day 3: Modern AU
A modern twist on Penelope finding out about Colin's journals
Themes: angst, yearning, teasing | Length: 2.3k
Read on ao3 or under the cut | masterlist
Thank you for requesting! xx
He hadn’t planned on telling anyone. He really hadn’t planned on anyone seeing them. And he really really hadn’t planned on anyone ever reading them.
The only reason Colin had even started keeping a journal was to remind himself that he was a real person on his travels- that he had the power to leave something permanent on earth. That he wasn’t completely wasting his time flitting from country to country- desperately trying to find some sort of purpose in his life.
Again, he hadn’t planned on anyone seeing them.
But one day he was painstakingly hiding his journals in a deep, hidden corner of his laptop, and the next, Penelope Featherington had found one. She’d found one then read. And somehow, she thought they were good. Actually good. Not I’m-only-saying-this-to-be-nice good.
And, sure, it had all happened by accident, but after some time, Colin was so incredibly thankful that it did.
He’d been hiding out in Eloise’s flat (Anthony had texted about wanting to meet that afternoon because- well, it didn’t matter really. The fact of the matter was that Colin had no desire to do so) when the buzzer rang.
He ignored it and continued to flip through the book in his hand.
But then it rang again. And again.
And on the fourth ring, Colin finally groaned and forced himself off of the sofa.
It was barely a second after his finger had reached the speaker that a loud, rather familiar-sounding shriek rang out. “Eloise!! Eloise! Please tell me you’re there!”
With a snort, Colin cut the voice off and buzzed them in. And in roughly a minute (an impressive feat considering that Eloise lived on the fifth floor), he saw a bouncing bit of red hair through the peephole and opened the door.
“Thank God, I really need-” Penelope froze mid-step in the frame as her eyes traveled up to reach Colin’s face. For a moment, she just stared, her mouth parted open. And then she swallowed and gave a quick shake of the head.
With a slightly forced smile, she nodded and swept past him, looking around as she went towards the sitting room. “Is Eloise in?”
“She’s not,” Colin answered flatly as he casually leaned against the closed door. He kept an impressively blank expression as Penelope haphazardly rifled through Eloise’s desk, roughly blowing a few loose curls out of her face. “Looking for something?”
Penelope either missed or simply ignored the teasing tone as she frantically moved her search to the sofa cushions. “Did she leave her laptop here?”
“Don’t think so. Though I’m not entirely sure- all she told me was to try not to empty her entire fridge.”
Normally, that would have elicited Colin a laugh or an amused smile, but all Penelope did was let out a groan. A groan that bizarrely caused his stomach to flip. He glanced away from her, clearing his throat. ”Erm- but if you need a laptop, I do have mine.”
Penelope looked up at him with such sharpness that it caught him a bit off guard. “You do? Can I borrow it?”
He blinked at her for a moment, but quickly nodded and motioned to his bag near her feet. He’d barely muttered a “Course” before she’d already retrieved and set it on the table.
“Oh, password’s-” Colin balked for a second, his mouth still open. He’d never told anyone his password before, and it felt… Odd. Unnerving to give away such a private piece of information. But Penelope was looking up at him again, eyes huge and slightly feral, antsy fingers hovering over the keys. He rubbed the back of his neck before mumbling, “GregorySux. With an x.”
The tips of Penelope’s fingers froze as the corner of her mouth twitched, but she bit her lip as she looked down to type.
“He kept hacking into it,” Colin said in an attempt to justify himself.
She seemed so focused on the screen that he thought she hadn’t heard him, but, almost absentmindedly, Penelope said, “Don’t think it’s hacking if your password is literally Password.”
He gaped at her. “I can’t believe Eloise told you!”
This time, Penelope just shrugged in response, her attention completely taken away. The only sounds that filled the room were those of her lightning-quick typing.
He stood there for a moment, feeling uncharacteristically awkward as he watched her fingers work. And then he cracked his neck before nodding. “Right, I’ll give you a minute…”
And as he reached Eloise’s toilet, it occurred to Colin he’d never before been alone with Penelope- not really. He’d known the girl for over a decade, but they’d never really been friends. They were friendly and had spent a decent amount of time together, but there’d never been a real closeness, definitely not one where they could spend a casual afternoon hanging out.
But Colin had never had trouble with finding the right words to say, so it shouldn’t be different with Penelope, right?
He’d asked her about work- that was safe. And maybe how her recent trip with Eloise and Frannie had been- also another safe topic. After that, it’d be no trouble.
But when he reentered the hallway, Colin immediately noticed how quiet it had suddenly gotten- the air completely absent of any hasty typing. Silently, he peered inside the sitting room.
Penelope was still hunched over his laptop, her mouth parted slightly as she stared at the screen. The only movement of her hands was to scroll, but her eyes were running across the screen at an inhuman speed. He watched her for a moment, the corner of his mouth rising unconsciously as her lips mouthed a few words.
He felt intrigued.
Not intrigued by her- of course. But rather intrigued by what had entranced her so much that she couldn’t dare peel her eyes from the computer.
She didn’t react as he crept behind her, looking over her shoulder to see the screen. The brightness was a bit lowered, but he could see a Word document. He leaned a bit closer, eyes squinting as he read a random line.
Imagine you’re at a party, feeling weightless and invincible-
Wait- he recognized those words.
Colin’s eyes flew to the title of the page, which very clearly read, Italy, 09/03/19.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Penelope yelped at the sudden noise, turning her head so quickly that her forehead made contact with Colin’s nose.
“OW!”
And that was how it had all started. A frantic Penelope, a trip to the toilet, an accidentally minimized Word document, and a (luckily) not broken nose.
He’d been angry at first… Well, really, he’d been fairly livid about the entire thing. Not because he was necessarily mad at Penelope, who had accidentally opened the tab initially, but rather because he felt… Embarrassed. It was embarrassing having one’s little sister’s best friend accidentally come across their greatest secret.
But even though he wanted to forget and pretend it all had never happened, Penelope had been unrelenting. After an assurance that what she read had been good, she’d practically demanded that he let her read through the rest of his work.
And now, weeks later, here they were sitting next to each other at his kitchen table, two cups of tea and a printed-out version of his journal laid out in front of them.
“What was it you were trying to say here?” Penelope asked, her eyes rolling over a highlighted section of an Australia entry.
He looked down at the page, following where her finger rested. Instantly, he felt himself flush a bit. She was pointing out a particularly convoluted metaphor he’d written, one likening the magnificent sunset to the familiarity of reading one’s favorite childhood book for the first time as an adult.
“Erm…” He cringed, unable to say anything else.
It was still so odd- the not knowing what to say. Colin Bridgerton wasn’t someone who ever had trouble figuring out his words, and yet… And yet having Penelope had that effect on him. Or, more likely, having Penelope inspect his work, dissecting every word that had ever come out of his brain, make him feel insecure in a way he never was.
It wasn’t so much that it was Penelope, of course. She was his sister’s best friend, a woman he’d known since they were barely grown. It would have been like that if anyone else had seen his work, he was sure of it.
But even still- he found himself staring at a rogue curl on her cheek, his hand twitching to reach up and tuck it away.
“Colin?” Penelope interrupted his roaming thoughts, abruptly looking up at him. Her lips pinched together once she saw his expression, pulling themselves down into a small frown. “Colin,” she repeated in a softer voice. “I wasn’t lying when I said you were a fantastic writer. It’s just that everyone needs a little editing- even the best of us.”
His head tilted slightly as he looked at her, suddenly caught on her use of the word, us. “Do you write a lot then?”
Penelope’s lips slowly formed a smile as she looked at him, a hint of hesitation on her face. She sighed, taking a moment. “Well, actually-” But then she cut herself off, suddenly resembling the same shy Penelope he hadn’t seen in years.
Colin found himself leaning in, putting both arms on the table in front of them, desperate to hear the end of whatever she’d wanted to say. He could feel his knee bumping into hers, but neither of them moved. “What?” he prompted, surprised to hear how faint his voice was. There was something about the moment that was making it rather difficult to breathe.
Penelope was looking back at him with an intensity, mouth slightly parted as she licked her lips reflexively. There was nothing inherently seductive about the movement, but- But something about the way her tongue flicked out made Colin’s stomach clench uncomfortably.
“Uhm,” she whispered, only hearing the loud beating of her heart. No one knew about her secret, other than her editor. And it would surely be a disaster if anyone ever found out …
But she had found out about Colin’s secret, albeit by accident. It felt only right that he should know hers as well…
But if she were being truly honest, she didn’t care very much about her secret at that present moment. Not when the two green eyes she had spent her entire adolescence (and much of her early adulthood) pining over were staring directly at her, looking as though they could see through her entire soul.
Every breath was an effort, every movement was the most difficult task in history. The spot where their knees were still gently pressed against each other felt like it was on fire, spreading itself across her body. She’d been in so much shock when the contact had happened that she hadn’t moved away. And then she’d been astonished when he hadn’t either.
Penelope couldn’t even remember what they’d been talking about, and it almost appeared that Colin… That Colin shared the same sentiment.
It felt like she was dreaming. Somehow, he was staring at her with just as much intensity as she was to him. She wasn’t sure if anyone had… She was quite certain that no one had ever looked at her like that.
Colin swallowed as he stared at her, taking in every freckle spread across her nose and every loose curl surrounding her face. He could see her eyes clearly for perhaps the first time in his life- a beautiful shade of warm brown with golden flecks throughout the iris. And then his eyes unwillingly moved, flickering to her lips as she licked them again, causing his gut to wrench painfully.
And then he realized that his hands on the table were so close to her own, the one still resting on his forgotten journal excerpt.
Almost without meaning to, his pinky twitched, moving just enough to meet hers. His breath hitched as he looked back up to meet her gaze.
Neither of them moved, as if moving would break something fragile. As if moving would forcibly tear them from the moment they were.
But then- he wasn’t sure how long- Penelope’s soft eyes left his, darting down to rest on their touching fingers. And then her eyes widened, and her entire body jerked backward, and suddenly Colin’s knee was incredibly cold.
Her chair made a loud scraping noise against the floor as she jumped up, startling him out of the hold he’d been under. “Pen-?”
“It’s getting a bit late,” Penelope muttered through a quick breath, quickly stashing away her belongings. “I’ll finish this at home, and we can meet another time to discuss it. Maybe coffee- next week.”
Colin frowned, getting out of his seat, and taking a few steps towards her. Quietly, he said, “Or you could stay here?”
Penelope froze for a moment before slowly retrieving her keys, gaze firmly locked onto the ground. All he could see were her eyelashes as she blinked.
He bent down slightly and reached out to lift her chin. “Or you could stay here,” he repeated with a bit more reverence in his voice. “We could get some dinner and- talk.”
Penelope swallowed as her eyes rested on his face for a fraction of a moment, but soon enough, she pulled away again. Her fingers trembled as she draped the bag over her shoulder, shaking her head as she looked towards the door. “Erm, no, sorry. I really- really need to go, Colin.”
And then she all but sprinted from the flat, leaving a speechless Colin Bridgerton behind.
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tommysparker · 4 years
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Movie Night: Hush (Baby Boy)
Tom Holland x Reader
A/N: So because everyone seemed to enjoy Movie Night so much, I decided to make a little series of unrelated events that happen during movie night in the Holland and Co. Household. Shoutout to @greenorangevioletgrass who was the BIGGEST help while writing this. Next week I’ll be posting the Peter Parker angsty fic titled Good For You, based on that song from Dear Evan Hansen, and after that is Black & White Ch. 2 so stay tuned! Also, this is the longest fic I’ve written so far so enjoy :)
Warnings: Smut (ish), handjob under a blanket, ‘scawy’ movie, couple no-no words, ruined orgasm and a bit of overstim, first time writing smut so I apologize if I did it wrong 
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It was a typical movie night. 
You snuggled into Tom under the warm throw-blanket, Harrison on the other side of the couch, Harry curled up on the sofa-chair and Tuwaine chilling on the floor. 
The choice of film that night was “Hush”, which is more thriller than a horror movie (Tom and Harrison disagreed). So after some arguing, and maybe a broken phone, everyone finally settled down in their designated seats and watched the film 
Well, almost everyone. 
You couldn’t help but let your eyes linger on Tom’s face, specifically his lips. Every so often his tongue would poke out and you couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel against your--
A sudden yelp pulled you out of your thoughts, Tom’s hand gripping your thigh as his whole body jumped, the music shrilling through the speakers. Oh for fuck’s sake. 
In your defense, it had been a while since you and Tom had gotten together. Being stuck with three other divs in the house didn’t exactly leave room for much personal time. You were lucky enough to hook-up in the shower but never had enough time for it to go further. 
Suddenly, an idea came to mind. 
Slowly, you shifted your hand closer to Tom’s thigh, rubbing it slowly to make it seem like a comforting move. The brown-haired boy smiled, curling up closer and wrapping his arm around your shoulder so he could hold you against his chest. Big mistake buddy. 
You had your legs on top of his so you were basically sitting in his lap, but not quite. Honestly, it was an awkward position but it was comfortable so neither of you was complaining. At least now your movements were less obvious. You let your hand rest near his knee for a while, before slowly sliding it upwards. 
At first, Tom didn’t think anything of it and let you do whatever you were doing until the moment came when he felt a bit of pressure between his legs and his blood rush south. He tore his gaze from the television, only to meet your smug gaze as you ever-so-subtly moved your palm in agonizingly slow circles. 
“W-what are you doing?” He whispered as to not alert the other boys. He reached to grab your hand but froze when you tighten your grip on his groin, biting down on his lip to hold back a groan. 
You tucked your nose into his neck, speaking softly so only he could hear, “Just relax baby, enjoy the movie.” Your hand starting rubbing him through the material of his sweatpants, smirking against his skin when you felt his cock twitch under your touch. 
Tom mentally cursed himself for not wearing underwear, but in all fairness, he never expected to be biting his tongue so he doesn’t make any suggestive sounds while watching a horror movie with his roommates. 
After another ten minutes of painful teasing, Tom was fully hard, either from your consistent and steady rubbing, or the thrill of maybe getting caught (even though it would lead to a lifetime of embarrassment), he didn’t know. However, Tom would be lying if he said the thought of you getting him off while he was forced to suppress any noise trying to escape from the back of his throat didn’t drive him crazy. On top of all that, he was praying no one noticed how flush he’s become, and his prayers were answered surprisingly, for the most part. The boys seemed really into the film, however, you were enjoying an alternate source of entertainment.  
Seeing your boyfriend with his knuckles in his mouth and squirming ever so slightly every time you gently squeezes his hard-on was the best thing you could ever lay eyes on. Tiring from the pre-show, you decided it was time to progress the main plot. Slowly, you let your fingers dip under the waistband, planting a few kisses on the brown-eyed boy’s collarbone before reaching in and wrapping your fingers around his aching dick. 
Tom breathed deeply when he felt your skin touch his, and almost let out a whimper when you carefully pulled his member out so it stood hard against his lower stomach. His eyes fluttered closed at the feel of your thumb rubbing against the tip of his cock. And when you start to stroke up and down his length, he threw his head back and--
“FUCK!” Harry cursed out loud at a jumpscare.
It was a jumpscare alright because Tom practically jumped out of his seat and nearly blew the cover off. But you quickly held the blanket in place and ran a soothing hand on his chest, signaling that it’s all okay. 
You could hear his heart beating rapidly in his chest, and wondered if it was from the scare or your little scandal. Probably both, you decided. 
Waiting ‘till everyone calmed down, you resumed your earlier movements, grinning inwardly when you felt your boyfriend tense beneath you. You lightly ran your hand over his cock, the pads of your fingers brushing against the head which made him shift.  
A few more minutes go by before you start jerking him off, slowly as to not surprise him, knowing full-well how prone he is to moaning out loud at any sudden contact. The pre-cum dribbled down his cock acting as a lube while you slid your palm up and down, twisting your wrist the way he loves. 
Tom was really struggling to stay quiet, to the point he had to stuff a pillow in his face, making excuses like “It’s too scary, man!” or “Oh god I can’t watch,” the Oh god being dragged out a little too long, not that anyone really paid attention. The short little dialogue you were whispering in his ear was not any help. 
“Gotta stay quiet baby boy, don’t want the lads to find out about our little secret, do you?”
“God, Tommy, you should see yourself right now. All red and flustered...can’t wait to see how you look from a lower angle.”
“You’re moving too much, my love. Be good and stay still for me will you?...yes that’s much better. Now I can go harder, and faster, and no one is gonna know.”
You knew your words were driving him crazy, could see it in the way he clenched his jaw and tightened his hold on the pillow. He was getting close. 
Unfortunately, just as he was about to cum, the sudden intense yelling coming from the others caused you to flinch, retracting your hand and curling up, all the while Tom used almost every bit of self-control he had left in order to not whimper aloud. 
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MAN?!”
“She’s deaf why the fuck is he knocking?!”
“BITCH HE’S GONNA KILL YOU RUN!”
He jumps slightly in shock, and what little control he's trying to grapple goes out the . The adrenaline still pumping through his body proving to be his undoing as small spurts of cum ran down his cock, orgasm completely ruined. His head lolled to the side a bit, brain fogged with unsatisfied lust yet the energy spent taking a physical toll on his fatigued figure.  
You watched him closely, saw his bottom lip get caught between his teeth and the quiet pants that felt a lot louder in your ears. At that moment, you thought he had never looked so hot, and all you could think about was wanting more. So after giving him a few seconds to catch his breath, you waited for the next jumpscare, before taking action and resuming your previous antics, much to Tom’s surprise as a startled moan was ripped from this throat, but thankfully drowned out by the shouts of his roommates.
Tom looked at you with wide eyes, mouth slightly agape, to which you returned with an innocent smile and a gentle squeeze to his tip, causing him to squirm and bite back the groan that desperately wanted to escape. “W-what are y-you doing?” He whispered, hiding his face in your neck. To the naked eye, it would seem like an ordinary couple move, however, in this scenario, he was trying hopelessly to muffle any sounds he wanted to make. 
You kissed his cheek, mumbling back “Your last orgasm was ruined, pretty boy. Only fair I give you a proper one.” With that said, your hand sped up, fisting his cock with ease and massaging the sensitive head. 
The actor knew you well enough to know you weren’t gonna stop until you got what you wanted, but that didn’t make the unexpected overstimulation any easier to handle. 
As the movie progressed, it felt as if your hand moved in rhythm with the score that played. Tom was truly trying his best to stay still for you, however you were relentless and the poor Brit was trapped in confusion of whether he wanted to buck into your hand, or shy away from the burning feeling his cock was endearing.  
Harrison, sitting opposite to the couple couldn’t help but see from the corner of his eye how much Tom was moving around. “Tom, mate you alright? If you need to wiz we can pause.”  
Tom really thought you were going to stop, but when you didn’t he had no choice but to power through the pleasure, or pain, he was still deciding. “N-No m’aright sunshine, j-just a-ah oh god…” his eyes slipped shut as his head fell forward into your neck. 
“He’s just being a scaredy-cat, aren’t you, baby boy?” You cooed playfully, but under the blanket giving his balls a harsh squeeze, emitting a small whimper-mixed-groan that was quiet enough that only you could hear. Tom could only nod along to your excuse. 
The blue-eyed boy didn’t seem convinced, but let it slide. Little did he know, his observation would send his best friend into a world of euphoria. 
The idea of you actually getting caught only spurred you on, pumping his cock vigorously and Tom was about to lose it. Sensitivity aside, he could feel another knot building in his lower abdomen and he wanted nothing more than to feel your walls hug his throbbing dick. He kissed your neck, slurring his words as he miserably tried to compromise. “D-darling, why don’t we finish this in our bedroom?” His voice was airy, like every time he opened his mouth he was gasping for oxygen. 
You adored the effect you had on this man, almost as much as you loved the effect he had on you. “Don’t be silly, Tommy. The movie is almost over… let’s see if you can cum before it does, shall we?” 
And he did, the pressure building up inside exploding as the girl in the movie stumbled out of the house covered in blood. Hey, everyone has their kinks. 
Tom moaned into your shoulder, cum flying out of his head and all over your hand, bits landing on his upper torso, but most of it getting caught on the underside of the blanket. 
Thinking quickly, you picked up your drink and “accidently” spilled it all over the cover, cursing loudly to drown out your boyfriend’s whimpers. “Ah, fuck shit! Fan-fucking-tastic. Ugh.” 
All heads turned to you, as you mock-complained while simultaneously riding out Tom’s climax. He panted heavily, eyes hooded as he buried his face into the crook of your neck. 
“I’ll put it in the wash. Tommy, do you mind helping me?” You looked down at the boy, face flushed and chest heaving. 
“O-Okay…” He knew there was no point in arguing. Like he said, if you want something, you’ll get it. And he wouldn’t have it any other way. 
Tom quickly tucked his flaccid dick back into his sweats, using the blanket to wipe his chest subtly while he got up. 
“You boys have fun cleaning up,” You smiled before dragging your boyfriend to the laundry room. 
“....They’re gonna fuck, aren’t they?" “Oh definitely.” 
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Before anyone says anything, it’s canon Tom has called Haz “sunshine” before so that’s why I added at that in there definitely not because I ship them or anything
All: @greenorangevioletgrass @allegra-writes @soraitmnt @worldoftom @farfromparker @angel-spidey @parkerpeter24 @god-knows-what-am-i-doing​ @the-panwitch @rebekkah4766 @hollandsamor @theactualprincessofeverything
Tom Holland: @rubberducky-jrr
321 notes · View notes
elyvorg · 4 years
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Kaito Momota: How ADHD Can Be
It’s about time I properly shared a take of mine that I never really talk about in my usual analysis posts, which is my very firm headcanon that Kaito has ADHD. While this is partly thanks to me having ADHD myself, self-indulgence is far from the only thing making me think this. There are so many reasons why this makes every single bit of sense, and this post is going to talk about all of them.
And, see, I don’t want to alienate anyone by having them think I’m about to present an interpretation of Kaito that looks nothing like the Kaito we know, because that’s not it at all. I’m here to talk about how so many of the things that were already abundantly true about him also happen to fit perfectly with ADHD. Really, you could think of it more as me talking about how ADHD actually looks a lot more like Kaito than most people might have realised.
After all, ADHD is a frustratingly misrepresented disorder that’s way more complex and interesting than most people are aware. So not only does it make a huge amount of sense to see Kaito as ADHD, it’s also just genuinely fascinating to think that this could be influencing how his mind works and the way he reacts to things throughout the story. Imagining that Kaito has ADHD could never make him any less Kaito, but I do think it makes him yet another layer of interesting on top of everything else he already has going on.
So even if you don’t have any personal investment in ADHD yourself, I hope you can follow along with me for this. There’s a lot of fun stuff to talk about here.
(Since ADHD is so horribly misrepresented that I can’t expect the average person to know what it really involves, this post is also going to include something of a whirlwind explanation of ADHD itself, in order to help people better appreciate why all these things about Kaito are potentially ADHD things. With that said, obvious disclaimer: I am not remotely a mental health professional, just someone with self-diagnosed ADHD who’s read up a lot about it. Some of this will be from things I’ve read, and some of this will be from my own experiences that I’m now pretty sure are an ADHD thing. My descriptions of these symptoms are likely to be somewhat oversimplified because I’m focusing on explaining this headcanon rather than explaining ADHD itself, so please don’t take this as a definitely-100%-accurate ADHD resource. I’m happy if this can raise awareness of what ADHD is really like, but you should look elsewhere to learn more.) 
Hyperfixations
One major thing that ought to be more commonly known about ADHD is that it’s really not a lack of attention; it’s an inability to properly control where our attention goes. It’s been described as an “interest-based nervous system” – we’ll involuntarily focus on whatever seems most interesting to us in any given moment, regardless of its objective importance.
This plus a reduced amount of dopamine receptors means that when we manage to find something that gives us a lot of dopamine, ie, is fun and engaging to think about, we cannot stop thinking about it even if we wanted to. Our entire lives will begin to revolve around this Thing that we enjoy, thinking about it, doing things related to it and consuming more information on it to get as much of that sweet dopamine as possible. This can often be to the detriment of everything else, including more objectively important matters, because who cares about that stuff when Thing is the best thing ever!?
As an example: as you might imagine, I have been hyperfixated on DRV3 and especially on Kaito for over two years now. I have not been able to stop thinking about Kaito even when I’m supposed to be doing other things, and there’s literally nothing that’s more fun for me right now than sharing all these thoughts of mine with other people. We also love to infodump about our hyperfixations to anyone who’ll listen, after all. That’s precisely why this post exists, along with many more like it on both my blogs.
SPACE 
So, this is perhaps one of the most easy-to-spot signs that Kaito might be ADHD. Because, man, he really loves space. Sure, any astronaut would have at least some level of interest in it, but Kaito is so obsessed with space that he introduces himself with a grandiose space-themed title, wears a galaxy print on his slippers and the inside of his jacket, and simply couldn’t wait for a college degree and had to make sure he got up there as fast as possible.
Granted, it’s not like Kaito talks about space 100% of the time. He is stuck in a killing game, after all, which is also kind of important to pay attention to. But, still, no matter what more-objectively-important things they can push themselves to focus on when necessary, there’s always a part of an ADHDer’s brain that’s near-constantly thinking about their hyperfixation anyway and will take any opportunity to bring it up and make things about that if they possibly can. And, well, Kaito still talks about space quite a lot considering that he’s in a life-or-death situation that doesn’t have anything to do with space at all (at least, as far as he knows for most of the story).
There’s one delightful bit of white noise I absolutely love in a debate in trial 4 where Gonta is suggesting a vehicle could have crossed the river. Someone responds to this with “Like a rocket?”, despite the fact that, A, there were obviously none of those in the Virtual World, and B, you don’t use those to cross rivers. Kaito, you dork, now is not the time. But of course now’s the time, there is always time to be thinking about space-related things, no matter how impractical and irrelevant it might be. Someone has been murdered, everyone else’s lives are on the line – not to mention his illness and the huge pile of inferiority issues he’s struggling with at this point in the story – yet amongst all that, Kaito’s brain still found time to go, “hey, speaking of vehicles, aren’t rockets the coolest!?” And… yeah, that’s genuinely what hyperfixations are like.
Then there’s the time Kaito asked Maki what her favourite spaceship was, like this is just an obvious go-to conversation starter in his mind, because of course he has a favourite spaceship. He has thought a lot about his favourite spaceship (or spaceships; let’s be real, there’s probably several that he thinks are SO COOL and might call his favourite depending on the circumstances) and could fill ages talking about nothing but that. Even though he knows this conversation ought to be making its way towards helping Maki open up about her past – this is one of his training sessions, after all! – there is still a part of Kaito that really just wants to talk about space, because a part of him always wants to talk about space.
We can see this as well in multiple FTE invitation dialogues (those brief lines describing how they hung out before the actual event starts) in which Kaito apparently spends it talking to Kaede or Shuichi about space, just because he can. There’s also several of his hangouts in the Salmon Team bonus mode where Shuichi’s suggestion of what to do doesn’t really have anything to do with space, but Kaito finds a way to make it about space anyway. ADHD minds are hyper-associative and make connections between concepts very easily – and, naturally, they’re particularly liable to make connections to the thing that the mind is already spending the majority of its time thinking about. So it’s really not so surprising or remarkable at all that Kaito can find ways to make even seemingly-totally-unrelated topics about space somehow, not if he’s ADHD.
(…To be fair, a particular fixation on a certain topic to the point of repeatedly bringing it up when it’s not called for isn’t necessarily that uncommon among Danganronpa characters, what with their talents. But hey, that doesn’t have to make Kaito any less likely to be ADHD. Rather, it would actually make sense for Ultimate students to have a higher than average proportion of ADHDers among them, since an ADHD-fuelled level of intense interest in a thing is more likely to make someone become hugely talented at it out of accumulated knowledge and practice. I’ve been increasingly thinking that Kaede could perhaps be ADHD, too, for example. But that’s not for this post; we’re talking about Kaito here.)
The longevity of space
ADHDers will generally go through many different hyperfixations throughout their life, sometimes one at a time, sometimes somehow managing to juggle more than one. An individual hyperfixation tends to last anywhere between a few weeks to a few years depending on its intensity and the longevity of the topic, but it’s rare for it to be more than that. Usually, sooner or later, the overwhelming passion for the thing will wear itself out.
And admittedly, Kaito’s passion for space has been there since he was a kid and never faded – and never will, of course! – which is far more persistent than most hyperfixations tend to be. But then again, there’s so many different things related to space for him to get excited about! Hyperfixations fade either when something else comes along that’s more exciting because it’s new and fresh, or when you’ve squeezed every last possible drop of dopamine out of it such that it no longer holds quite the same thrill. But with a topic as vast as space, there’s always more to learn to keep the excitement fresh, especially now that Kaito’s an astronaut trainee and is really on the front line of new space knowledge and technologies and is actually going to get there himself one day!
Besides, it’s not like ADHDers’ hyperfixations are completely outside of their control. My own hyperfixation on V3 and Kaito would probably have faded ages ago if I hadn’t kept it going by constantly making more content about it such as this. And similarly, there’s no way Kaito would have wanted to let go of his passion for space, not if he had any say in it himself, so he’d have done whatever he could to keep it burning during the times when the spark maybe wasn’t quite there as much. I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable that Kaito could have remained hyperfixated on space for so unusually long and still be showing no signs of stopping. We all know how stubborn he is.
(House plants)
Kaito has probably had a few other, lesser hyperfixations alongside his lifelong passion for space. For example, I like to think that his fondness for house plants, according to his report card, is to such an extent that he was once hyperfixated on them. (This would have been for reasons that totally don’t bear a suspicious resemblance to other things he cares about.) I doubt he’s currently hyperfixating on them at the moment – at no point does he ever try to shift the conversation to being about house plants unprompted – but that wouldn’t stop him from still being generally fond of them and retaining all of the “useless” information he learned about them back when he was obsessed. One very rarely ever stops caring about a hyperfixation topic entirely; rather, the fixation just fades and the topic becomes no longer constantly on someone’s mind. I’m sure Kaito still could and would talk your ear off about house plants just as much as he would about space if you happened to get him started.
People
More importantly, though, I think that another of Kaito’s less obvious and intense hyperfixations – but still a very long-lasting one that’s active right now – could be, simply, people. Just, people in general: their flaws and complexities and differences, all the many ways in which they can communicate and work together, and the amazing potential they have to achieve great things if they do so. Kaito is so passionate about this stuff and has so many fully-formed opinions on things of this nature that make it seem like he’s spent a lot of his free time thinking about this, just because he can. Maybe he began to get interested in it after realising that communication and teamwork is important for an astronaut – but it also reads to me like Kaito is into this kind of stuff not because he needs to be for the sake of getting into space, but simply because he finds it genuinely fascinating and couldn’t stop thinking about it even if he had to. (Which would also help keep him interested in space, because it’s intrinsically linked to this other topic that Kaito finds fascinating!)
And within this, Kaito definitely hyperfixates in particular on his sidekicks. Once he’s made someone into his sidekick, which functionally means that he’s going to devote himself to supporting them through their issues and helping them reach their potential, he really devotes himself. It’s his hyperfixation on people in general, but concentrated on a specific person(s) that he can have a direct and tangible impact on, which means even more to him than just his feelings about how awesome and fascinating humanity is as a whole.
Kaito is really, really good at supporting his sidekicks, after all. He spends so much time, even when he’s not around them, thinking about what their problems are and the best ways he can help them. He was clearly eyeing up both Shuichi and Maki as potential sidekicks at least a day or two before actually acting on it and inviting them to training, as if he was trying to gauge exactly what their struggles were and how best to help before jumping right in. He approaches helping each of them in very different ways, making it clear that he’s specifically thought about who they are and the best tactics to help them individually instead of just carelessly using the same old script each time. On more than one occasion, he drops something on them one morning – the nickname “Maki Roll”, and the “bonus” training that becomes the katana scene – that he hadn’t mentioned at all the previous night, meaning that he’d been thinking further about how to keep helping them while on his own overnight.
So it seems to me like maybe it’s not just his selflessness, or his somewhat unhealthy co-dependency (more on that later, actually) that makes Kaito so good at this. I don’t think he could even stop thinking about helping his sidekicks if he tried. Figuring out how to help another human being grow and change and reach their full potential is so fascinating and engaging and rewarding to him that how could he ever not be compelled to do that as much as he possibly can?
The price of caring
This does, however, come with a downside. Because Kaito is fixating so strongly and uncontrollably on supporting his sidekicks, because doing that matters so much to him, it’s only going to hurt him more when he begins to feel like he’s failing at it. He can’t just brush something like that off as not really a big deal, because of course it’s a big deal. It’s everything to him, and it’s literally not possible for him to make himself feel like it isn’t.
It’s just as bad as if space suddenly twisted and became painful to think about somehow. Which… I guess that actually kind of happens too, when Kaito starts to realise that he’s never going to make it up there. And he can’t deal with that by trying to tell himself it was never that important, either, because space is always important to him. Even if he wanted to switch that part of his brain off or ignore it to help himself cope, he just couldn’t.
Caring so intensely about things feels amazing and makes a person wonderfully passionate, but it can also be a double-edged sword.
(Executive dysfunction?)
One big negative side to ADHD is that it tends to cause executive dysfunction, which, to massively oversimplify it, more or less means the profound inability to get yourself to do things that you know you’re supposed to be perfectly able to do. That interest-based nervous system does not do well with motivating us to do tasks that are objectively important but aren’t interesting or fun to actually carry out, resulting in a mental block that can appear to the outside observer like wilful laziness, even though it really, really isn’t.
This appears to be one part of ADHD that Kaito manages to avoid having to deal with. (He may superficially seem “lazy” during training, but that has nothing to do with his brain and everything to do with his body and the fact that he’s sick and doesn’t want anyone to know.) But I think that’s mostly because none of the reasons that ADHD causes executive dysfunction actually apply in the killing game.
One of the few things other than interest that motivates an ADHD brain is urgency – suddenly they can do that boring essay they’ve been putting off when the deadline is tonight, showing remarkable speed and focus in a fit of nervous anxiety over the potential consequences of turning it in late. And there’s plenty of literal do-or-die urgency to motivate Kaito during the killing game, so there’s no way he’d ever not be motivated to do what he feels he needs to do to help everyone there. Plus, the things he’s trying to do involve helping people, something he inherently finds interesting, so he’d be motivated for those reasons anyway even if it wasn’t quite so life-threateningly vital that he does so.
(Kaito is a bit flakier and liable to miss important details during the investigations and trials, mind you. This might be because, while the urgency of “if we don’t solve the case we die” is looming over him, the actual details of the case aren’t something that instinctively feels urgent or that he inherently finds interesting, so it’s harder for him to pay proper attention and take it all in even when he’s trying to. Kaito has plenty of intelligence in a lot of ways, but his brain is evidently not wired for investigations and deductions like Shuichi’s is – he’s perfectly capable of following Shuichi’s logic and understanding it, but not of figuring any of that stuff out himself in the first place. This could partly be down to Kaito having ADHD and just not being interested enough in these particular kinds of mental exercises to be able to get his brain to focus on them as much as he’d need to in order to solve them.)
I also don’t think executive dysfunction would have got in Kaito’s way much during his regular life before the killing game. (You know, if he’d actually had one, but let’s pretend for now that he did.) Motivation issues can be helped a lot by an externally-imposed structure telling you what you need to do and when, which is why a lot of ADHD people don’t even notice any problems while they’re in a school system and only fall apart once they’re adults and are suddenly expected to structure their own life. Kaito’s astronaut training would definitely give him plenty of structure to work from so that he always knew what he needed to do and never had this issue. It’s also really challenging, which is another thing that helps keep ADHD people interested and motivated. And while the actual end goal of getting to space is far-off enough that it wouldn’t be able to work as a direct motivator to an ADHD brain (we are bad at things with delayed gratification), everything Kaito’s learning would still be related to space and communication and teamwork, so he’d be interested in learning all of it simply for its own sake.
Emotional hyperarousal
Another big defining feature of ADHD that isn’t nearly as well-known as it ought to be is that it amplifies emotions to a far greater intensity than those of neurotypical people. ADHDers’ feelings and reactions are naturally bigger and louder and just more than most people’s – which sounds a lot like Kaito, doesn’t it? He’s always larger than life, energetic and passionate about everything, not just his specific hyperfixations. Look at how excited he gets about just seeing snow! And he has so much enthusiasm for so much else, too – as he puts it: “there’s nothing unnecessary in this world!” When Kaito feels things, he feels them full-throttle, with no half-measures, which is just how Kaito would always want things to be!
…But, whether he likes it or not, that also applies to the painful feelings just as much as the good ones.
Emotional dysregulation
Kaito can often be very reactionary and get unnecessarily riled up over minor things that don’t really warrant such a dramatic response. If you think about it, this isn’t really something he’d want to do, because he’s always trying to stay positive and keep people on his side. So apparently it’s something he simply can’t help, as if his brain is just wired to make him more liable to do that.
If even minor slights can cause an overreaction like that from an ADHD brain, then imagine how much worse it is when the stimulus is something genuinely worth being upset over. That already-painful emotion gets amplified to even greater levels, to the point that it can be almost unbearable. People with ADHD can often have a more difficult time dealing with things, not necessarily because they’re emotionally weaker, but because they simply feel things harder than most other people do.
Kaito goes through a lot of emotional pain throughout the story – and he’s really pretty bad at dealing with it all. He basically has only two not-very-healthy methods for doing so. One is to try to ignore it entirely by focusing on something more positive, which on its own could be put down to his desire to come across as an invincible hero who can inspire people. So this particular unhealthy tactic doesn’t necessarily mean that he wouldn’t be able to properly deal with these emotions if he actually stopped being an idiot and tried to.
However, Kaito’s second unhealthy coping mechanism is to turn the pain into anger – sometimes to the point of lashing out in ways he doesn’t mean to. Punching Shuichi at the end of the first trial is very much caused by Kaito being unable to contain his pain over Kaede’s death rather than any controlled attempt to push Shuichi forward, since he regrets it and apologises for it the next morning. And then the agonising truth that Gonta killed someone is even harder for Kaito to bear, leading to him lashing out at Shuichi again in what was very much desperate pain-fuelled anger with no rational basis for it. Unlike with simply hiding his pain, lashing out like this is not something Kaito would ever want to do; it’s not exactly very heroic of him, after all. So this suggests that there’s more to Kaito’s bad coping mechanisms than just him trying to appear strong and not worry people – that sometimes the pain gets so unbearably intense that ignoring it isn’t possible and he just can’t deal with it and loses control of himself.
Uncontrollable bouts of rage can be a common problem that comes with ADHD because of the amplified emotions and difficulty properly regulating them – and it’s definitely a problem Kaito suffers from, too. That part of Kaito that lets him get so wonderfully passionate in helping everyone around him might well be exactly the same part of him that simply cannot handle it when he realises Gonta murdered someone and leads to him lashing out at his best friend.
Moping (…not a technical term)
…Okay, I just said Kaito has only two unhealthy coping mechanisms for painful emotions, but maybe there’s also kind of a third: unconstructively moping about it. This doesn’t sound like Kaito at all – he frequently gives others advice about not doing exactly that – but he can actually be seen falling into doing so a couple of times if you look closely.
In chapter 2, when Ryoma’s behaviour bothers him for all the wrong reasons and he has no intent of actually doing something about it, Kaito really should be just trying not to think about it at all and focusing on something more constructive like helping Shuichi. However, the places he hangs out in for his chapter 2 FTEs and his invitation dialogues indicate that he spends a whole three FTE slots just brooding unhelpfully about the state Ryoma’s in. This is definitely not something he wants to be doing, since he hastily changes the subject if Shuichi hangs out with him.
And in case 4’s investigation, after Shuichi’s cell phone experiment makes Kaito feel useless and unneeded (he thought Shuichi needed his help! – but, no, turns out he actually really didn’t), the pain of that feeling noticeably lingers with him for most of the rest of the investigation. He’s in enough of a bad mood about it afterwards that Maki notices it through his less-expressive virtual avatar, and he doesn’t even come with her to call Shuichi back from the rooftop and just logs out on his own in a sulk. Then he also ends up explicitly unaware in the trial of some of the information Monotaro shared with the whole group once they’d logged out, meaning he was apparently still too wrapped up in feeling useless to be paying proper attention.
(And these are the two examples of Kaito doing this that are noticeable thanks to subtle clues in his behaviour – but since Kaito would obviously never draw attention to it, maybe he actually does this a lot more than those two times and we just can’t normally see it.)
See, another thing about emotional dysregulation – plus the difficulty in controlling the focus of your attention that comes with ADHD – is that it can be hard to stop yourself from thinking endlessly about painful things, even when you very much don’t want to be thinking about them. I once saw a tumblr post describing ADHD as Chronic Cannot Leave It Alone Disorder, and I can confirm that, yes, this is very frustratingly accurate, for the bad things as well as the good. It’s possible that Kaito’s advice about not moping when you could be doing something to make a difference might have originated for himself, to try and mitigate his brain’s tendency to do this. But while I imagine this helped quite a bit in letting him control his thoughts and stay focused on the positives, it appears that, despite his best efforts, it still doesn’t always work.
Impulsiveness
The Primarily-Hyperactive subtype of ADHD (aka the one that’s definitely the subtype Kaito has, for obvious reasons) is sometimes called Hyperactive-Impulsive type, because impulsiveness tends to be a big part of it, too. I think this is kind of a combination of emotional hyperarousal and inability to control attention – the impulse to Do A Thing gets amplified to the point that it floods the entire brain, and it becomes nigh-impossible to ignore it and consider the potential negative consequences before acting on it. It’s like that Chronic Cannot Leave It Alone Disorder gets concentrated into a single instant of frequently-terrible decision-making.
It’s no secret that Kaito is impulsively reckless – and if you think about it, it’s to an extent that’s honestly kind of pathological. Cheating his way into the astronaut exam early, for example, could very well have permanently ruined his chances of ever being allowed in and making it to space. He should never have considered that a risk worth taking. So apparently he just wasn’t properly considering the risk at all – not even for the most important decision of his life.
A lot of the time, these kinds of bad decisions can be fuelled by those amplified painful emotions that get turned into anger like I talked about before. The stress of the killing game causes Kaito to very nearly get himself killed on two occasions early in chapter 1, almost lashing out in a way that would have broken school regulations. Kaito is perfectly aware of the consequences for doing that – but in the heat of the moment, it just doesn’t matter to him. His overwhelming desire to express his pain-fuelled rage simply blocks out everything else from his mind. A similar thing happens in chapter 5 when Kaito’s attempt to punch Kokichi after the supposed mastermind reveal only results in him getting knocked out and captured by the Exisals that were very obviously there and under Kokichi’s control. It’s summed up pretty well by the fact that Kokichi outright tells Kaito that punching him won’t fix any of the things he’s angry about, and Kaito’s response is, “Even if that is the case… I can’t get over it if I don’t punch you!” To Kaito, in these moments, it’s never about the consequences; it’s about needing to let out his too-strong emotions right now and to hell with everything else, even if that “everything else” literally might include his life.
Then there’s everything that happens with Kaito at the casino. The consequences for him here aren’t exactly dire, since all he loses out on is the chance to buy a prize, but still – that uncontrollable fixation on the anticipated thrill of winning and the inability to consider the really-very-high possibility that he’ll lose is exactly the type of reckless thrill-seeking that people with this type of ADHD often have.
In fact, the bonus scene at the casino is literally titled “Kaito’s Gambling Problem” – and as you might imagine, impulsive-type ADHDers are at a higher risk of developing harmful addictions to things such as gambling. While this isn’t an actual gambling problem here because no real money is involved and it does seem that he never gets tempted by the casino again after the second time, the scene’s title apparently wants us to consider that Kaito has the potential to develop a legitimate gambling problem should he ever get old enough to legally gamble in the real world. Which is a weirdly specific thing for the writers to make a point of when it has no bearing on the plot… so it makes me wonder if they could have actually been trying to tell us something here.
This kind of impulsiveness can also cause people to blurt out their thoughts without thinking about the consequences, potentially resulting in upsetting someone or embarrassing themselves. At first glance, considering that he has a lot of thoughts he’s determined to hide from the surface, Kaito doesn’t seem to have too much of a problem with this kind of impulsiveness. If he did, you’d think he’d find himself muttering stuff like “I feel like crap”, or “I hate this place” all the time and then having to hastily paper over it and insist that no that’s definitely not how he’s really feeling at all. So apparently, he’s fairly good at thinking before he speaks when it matters to him?
Except, when he’s in the Virtual World, Kaito makes multiple unthinking comments to the effect of “I like this avatar body”, which he has to awkwardly brush off when Shuichi questions him, since it rather hints that something’s up with his real body. He’s suddenly really bad at this, even though he was pretty good at it the rest of the time.
So maybe what’s going on is this: in an effort to stay positive at all times because he’s Kaito, Kaito trained himself to have a constant, unshakeable mental filter that prevents himself from impulsively blurting out how he’s feeling if it’s something negative. However, he can’t stop himself from still randomly blurting out whatever positive things are on his mind. This usually isn’t a problem, but it can sometimes include things – it feels so great to not be dying for once! – that he really doesn’t want to be voicing either, if he only gave it a moment more thought.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria
Often shortened to RSD, rejection sensitive dysphoria is a specific and especially nasty kind of emotional hyperarousal / dysregulation that almost all ADHDers suffer from. (At least, I feel like it should probably be classified as a subtype of that, though I’m not sure if that’s the official take, so don’t quote me on this.) The ADHD researcher who coined the term defines it as: “extreme emotional pain triggered by the perception – not necessarily the reality – that a person has been rejected or criticised by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short and failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.” That second sentence is important and frequently overlooked, because it indicates that, despite the name, this isn’t only about perceived rejection by others; it can also be about an entirely personal sense of failure.
I first read about this concept while I happened to be hyperfixating on Kaito’s mindset specifically in early chapter 5, aka that time he avoids Shuichi out of shame over feeling like he failed him in the previous trial, due to his own unreasonably high standards for being a “hero”. (If you didn’t realise that this is what’s going on with Kaito in early chapter 5, go read this other post of mine and get caught up, because you’re going to need to be for the rest of this section.) And, naturally, though I was supposed to be reading that article about RSD to help me figure out if I had ADHD, my brain made some connections. That was the moment I began to have this headcanon; everything else in this post blossomed from that as I thought about it more and realised a lot of other things about Kaito also fit this incredibly well.
The null hypothesis
So, let’s consider early chapter 5. In fact, let’s assume for a moment that Kaito doesn’t have ADHD and his emotions function like a regular person’s. He would still, of course, feel like he’s utterly failed Shuichi by showing himself to be weaker than him and doing the opposite of supporting him during trial 4. That part’s not specifically based in anything ADHD and is just a product of Kaito’s psychological issues about heroes, which I’ve already talked about plenty in that post I just linked. (I don’t want anyone to think that my ADHD headcanon is getting in the way of or diminishing any of that; this is just another layer on top of it.)
Kaito really wants to make things right and apologise for his mistakes in the trial (and for his really-not-actually-mistakes too, for that matter). He really wants to fix the rift between him and Shuichi and not leave the two of them painfully torn apart like this. He knows the responsibility to do so is on him and not Shuichi. But… he doesn’t do it. Why not?
The only possible reason would be that he’s just being a coward and running away from the guilt and shame he’s feeling rather than facing up to it. Except… Kaito’s not a coward. He may arguably seem like one in some ways given how he refuses to acknowledge his weaknesses to his sidekicks – but that’s not to protect himself and his own emotions; it’s because he’s idiotically convinced that it’s better for them that way. Here, now that he believes he’s already failed Shuichi as badly as he ever could, he should feel like he has nothing more to lose on that front (and Shuichi never even needed him anyway, right?), so there should be no harm in owning up to it and at least apologising for what he’s done wrong.
Granted, Kaito is busy trying to make up for his failure through his totally-great escape plan – but that’s still no reason why he can’t also apologise first and then keep trying to make up for things with the plan anyway. And it’s not at all like it was in the trial itself, when he was too wound-up in the heat of the moment to be thinking clearly. He’s had plenty of time to process what happened and regain control of himself and become consciously aware of what he knows is the right thing to do here.
The guilt and shame Kaito would be feeling from his belief that he’s failed Shuichi would still hurt pretty bad, sure – but I don’t think, if it really is a proportionate emotional response to what he feels like he’s done, that it’d be something he couldn’t face up to. He’s incredibly resilient and knows that sometimes you’ve just gotta face painful things head-on, and he should be more than willing to do so for the sake of making things at least slightly better between him and Shuichi.
So, I argue this: Kaito avoiding Shuichi the way he does in early chapter 5 doesn’t quite make sense unless he has ADHD. (Or perhaps some other neurological disorder that would have a similar effect on his emotions, but I’m not knowledgeable enough to be sure what other possibilities could fit.)
Too much pain
I can confirm from experience: RSD freaking sucks. Any feeling of “I should be able to do this, but I messed it up”, or any seemingly innocuous comment from someone you care about where they either point out a mistake you made or that could possibly be interpreted to mean they don’t really care about you that much – these things can hurt like hell, so much more than they have any right to. It’s as if that insignificant twinge of disappointment that most people would feel just gets multiplied by like a thousand until it practically feels like you’ve been stabbed in the chest. And I should note: the rejection version tends to be triggered by people important to you, but I find it’s especially bad if it’s someone I not only care about but also look up to. You know, like Kaito very definitely does to Shuichi.
Case 4 has plenty of things that would trigger RSD for Kaito before even getting into the worst parts of the trial. That cell phone incident in the investigation I mentioned earlier, where Kaito thought Shuichi needed his help for a second and then ended up feeling like he really never did at all? And all the times Shuichi shoots down one of Kaito’s arguments in the trial and tells him he’s wrong (which happens seven times, by the way)? Every single one of those seemingly-minor moments would have hurt Kaito not just a little, but one hell of a lot. It’s honestly really impressive and a testament to Kaito’s resilience that he managed to keep himself together and show barely any signs of how he was feeling for as long as he did.
It’s also very relevant that RSD is known to potentially trigger an externalised response of instantaneous rage, exactly like the outbursts of anger I mentioned in the previous section. I’ve already talked plenty elsewhere about how a lot of the pain that’s causing Kaito to lash out in trial 4 isn’t just over Gonta’s guilt but is also over how he’s being made to feel like a horribly inferior failure compared to Shuichi – and, yep, that’s still a perfect match to Kaito having ADHD.
By the end of the trial, Kaito’s issues and irrationalities have rendered him convinced that he’s utterly failed to be the hero he’s supposed to be, and that Shuichi obviously doesn’t need him or care about him any more (if he ever even did in the first place). That’s giving Kaito plenty of genuine conscious reason to be hurting pretty damn hard to begin with, before his ADHD brain-wiring even sinks its claws into it. Now try to imagine that pain getting disproportionately multiplied by like a thousand – fucking ouch, and then some. Nobody, not even someone as brave and resilient as Kaito, should ever be expected to be able to face up to that, to actively make it even worse by talking about it and bringing those feelings to the forefront, especially not when doing so would just be showing even more weakness to the person it hurts so much to show weakness to. I don’t believe it’d be fair to call anyone a coward for that.
Kaito’s not a coward; he avoids Shuichi in early chapter 5 because he is genuinely in too much pain to bear. The only way he can deal with it at all (now that he’s not in the heat of trial 4 and is very determined to at least not make things even worse by lashing out in anger again) is by simply trying to pretend the problem doesn’t exist. If he manages to prove himself as a hero, maybe it’ll stop hurting quite as much and he’ll be able to face up to it, but until then, avoiding the pain is all he can do.
(Obligatory Harmonious Heart mention)
Since I relish the opportunity to bring this scene up whenever I can, I might as well add that Kaito’s Harmonious Heart event is another instance in which he’d be feeling some pretty rough RSD – at least, in every outcome except the best one in which Shuichi reassures him that they’re friends and it’s okay to open up to your friend. It’d be especially bad in the worst outcome where Kaito realises Shuichi has seen his “weakness” and feels like he’s failed him. Probably not quite as bad as in canon, but still, ouch.
In fact, an interesting thing about that worst outcome is that Kaito specifically says he feels “so embarrassed”, which, when you think about it, doesn’t really sound like the kind of thing anyone would expect Kaito to ever describe himself as feeling, even at a time like this. However, I know from my own experience that “embarrassment” is in fact something that it’s easy to mistake RSD for when you don’t know what it is – just an embarrassment that’s somehow agonisingly painful, because that’s totally how embarrassment usually works for most people, right. So, A, this fits perfectly yet again, and B, since you’d usually not think to have Kaito ever use that word… it makes me wonder if the writer for this scene knew.
Coping methods (and why Kaito doesn’t have them)
Of course, it’s not like there aren’t methods to try to combat and mitigate the incredible pain that RSD can bring. One that I’ve found works really well (thanks to Kaito himself!) is exercising. It really helps to burn off that excessive emotional energy – and not necessarily just RSD, but any of the disproportionately painful emotions ADHD brings – by translating it into physical energy. “Let your sweat wash away all your sadness, fear, worry and hardships; just start moving your body and your pain will become memories before you know it,” actually sums up how this feels pretty well! It’s quite possible that this advice – heck, maybe his entire exercise-to-help-the-mind thing in general – is something else that Kaito first came up with for himself, after he found that it helped him calm down and feel better whenever he’d get too upset about something.
…So it’s really rather cruel that Kaito’s worsening illness also happens to lock him out of one of his only genuinely-healthy coping mechanisms for what he’s going through emotionally in chapters 4 and 5, isn’t it.
Another thing that’s really helped me in dealing with my own RSD is simply understanding it. When you know that it’s a disproportionate emotional response, you can remind yourself that things aren’t truly as bad as the pain is making them feel like they are, which makes it easier to take steps to stop it hurting, such as talking to the friend who unintentionally triggered it and having them reassure you that of course they care about you. Without that understanding of it, it’s all too easy to think, “if it hurts this much, I must deserve to be hurting this much,” which, yeah, that’s a bad path to go down.
One pretty important part of my headcanon that Kaito has ADHD, then, is that he definitely has no idea he has it. If he’d been diagnosed with it at some point in his life, he’d understand these problems of his better. Even if the doctors never told him all these things I’ve been mentioning here about how ADHD actually works (which is way too disappointingly common, so I gather), Kaito would have researched this stuff himself at some point, in order to better understand himself and know his limits so that he can work around them to be the best person he can be. He wouldn’t want to let anything get in the way of him helping others as much as he can and achieving his dream of going to space, not even the idiosyncrasies of his own brain. And, heck, he’d probably find it interesting if only he had a reason to look into it in the first place! Many ADHDers hyperfixate on ADHD, and Kaito definitely seems like someone who would have if he’d known.
So, if Kaito was aware of his ADHD, he’d be able to recognise what he’s going through in early chapter 5 as RSD and handle it better. He’d know that, no matter how much it hurts, things aren’t actually quite as bad as it feels like, and that apologising to Shuichi sooner rather than later is almost certainly the best way forward even if the prospect of doing so seems terrifying as all hell. For that matter, if Kaito knew about his ADHD and what it really involved, he’d almost certainly have trained himself to be able to deal with a lot of his more troublesome symptoms better than he ever does in canon.
Friendship difficulties
Because of their differently-wired brains, ADHDers can often struggle to connect with the rest of the world that doesn’t think the same way as them. And here’s a fun subtle thing about Kaito that ought to get talked about more: he’s not actually very skilled or experienced at making friends. Having sidekicks that he can inspire and support, and being a general encouraging influence on a wider group of people to keep them working together – sure, that stuff comes naturally to him. But regular, everyday friendship? Not so much.
This isn’t that easy to spot, because most of the time we see Kaito, he’s deliberately focusing on motivating people, which he’s great at. But there are a few instances here and there where Kaito interacts with people in a not-specifically-motivational way: his attempts to befriend Kaede (who doesn’t need his support), his earlier FTEs with Shuichi (which should be happening before training starts), and the conversation with Shuichi and Maki in chapter 4’s second training scene (before Maki begins talking about her past).
In all of these, Kaito turns out to actually be a huge awkward goof who doesn’t seem to have the first clue how to do regular interpersonal interactions. And basically everything about him being this way can potentially be explained by ADHD.
Too many thoughts
It’s never quiet and organised in an ADHD brain; whenever we’re not hyperfocusing on one specific thing, our minds always have like five different thoughts rattling around in them at once. So, consider the conversation with Shuichi and Maki, which Kaito was attempting to treat like a Regular Conversation (rather than the chance to help Maki open up that it definitely actually was in his head). Perhaps, in his efforts to do small talk, not one but several different possible small talk questions popped into his head at once and clamoured for his attention, such that a couple of them – “what blood type are you?” and “what [something] do you like?” – got accidentally merged together when he opened his mouth to speak. That plus his impulsive lack-of-filter meant that out came “What blood type do you like?” and Kaito sounding like a doofus.
(When Maki points out that this is a strange question, Kaito awkwardly laughs it off. It almost seems like he’s used to accidentally saying things people consider weird during his attempts at normal conversation and has learned to try and act like it’s nothing so he doesn’t push anyone away.)
This disorganisation in ADHD minds also tends to make them get too caught up on unnecessary details they find interesting and wander off down random mental tangents rather than whatever they’re supposed to be talking or thinking about. I once saw a tumblr post that said ADHDers are likely to tell “stories that start sooner than they need to and end somewhere other than the point” – and this happens to be a literally perfect description of the story Kaito tells Shuichi in his second and third FTEs. He was supposed to be telling Shuichi how he became interested in space. He began by talking about finding a treasure map and conquering the seas, and he finished with how he was busy conquering the land when his summer vacation ended. At no point did he mention space; he’d got so wrapped up in the story itself that he’d completely forgotten that was meant to be the point.
Kaito also has a bit of a tendency to make strange statements that appear to make perfect sense to him even though they kind of don’t to anybody else. He wants to learn to play the piano for when he goes to space? Well, of course; he might meet an alien! You can’t ever know how malicious other people’s secrets are? Sure, but that’s why you just gotta believe in… yourself! These really do make perfect sense in Kaito’s head (the first is about communication; the second is about people-reading skills). But it seems, perhaps, that his overly-active mind made connections too fast and jumped several tracks at once, to the point that he didn’t realise he was skipping a few steps of his explanation and that it wouldn’t make so much sense to the people listening. Which is also a thing that ADHD people are liable to do.
Too loud and excitable
A less immediately obvious thing that’s strange about Kaito’s behaviour in the chapter 4 training chat is that, when Shuichi essentially just straight-up asks Maki to start talking about her issues, Kaito admonishes him for being too direct and claims he can’t just do that. This seems odd coming from Kaito, who’s usually nothing but direct in his approaches to encouraging people, and who definitely also intended to prompt Maki into talking about her issues here.
But, apparently because he’s trying to present this as a Regular Normal Friend Conversation, Kaito didn’t think he was meant to be so direct in this context. Which suggests he’s learned through experience that his usual kind of directness that works great for encouragement apparently just kind of puts people off when it’s used in a regular conversation. So instead, he was trying to work his way towards hopefully maybe getting Maki to open up through awkward small talk that he must know he’s terrible at – no wonder he was miffed when Shuichi casually went and committed the exact social “faux-pas” he’d been trying to avoid, with complete confidence that it’d actually be fine, and it turned out it was. (Whoops, there goes Shuichi effortlessly being better than him at everything Kaito finds difficult, like always.)
Nonetheless, Kaito probably has good reason to be worried about coming across as too direct (outside of sidekick contexts, where that’s just the best way to get through to someone and help). Because, when he’s not actively trying to avoid it, he does have a tendency to get a bit carried away with things and put people off as a result. Remember the time he asked Kaede for a hug? There’s absolutely no reason to assume this was romantic or sexual in nature, because it already makes more than enough sense to think that Kaito was just so excited at meeting someone so similar to him and thought she was Super Cool and just really wanted to be her friend!!! So he impulsively expressed that sentiment in a rather-too-forward way that he was too caught up in his excitement to realise was going to come across as rather inappropriate.
Not that being too overly excitable and direct about things necessarily has to lead to behaviour that’s outright inappropriate in order to cause problems. (Though please never forget that Kaito asked for the hug and respected Kaede’s boundaries when she said no.) Even if he’s not doing anything wrong, Kaito being his usual larger-than-life self all the time might just come across as a bit Much and be kind of weird and off-putting for a lot of people. It’s that emotional hyperarousal again, which I mostly talked about the negative side of in the earlier section – but the positive side of it, amplifying the good emotions to make someone more enthusiastic and passionate, can still (completely undeservedly) be a negative thing in a social context with others who just aren’t wired the same way.
In Kaito’s second FTE, wrapped up among his ridiculous overblown childish fiction, he appears to potentially be talking about an actual playmate he had at the time who joined in his game of pretending to be a sea captain. Then they had a fight and Kaito never saw him again – and he presents that like it was just part of his game, too, but this can likely be taken to mean that they had a falling out that never got resolved and stopped being friends. If so, I can’t help but assume that this was probably because tiny Kaito was a little bit too boisterous and excessive in his playing – while still not necessarily doing anything wrong – that it overwhelmed this other kid to the point that he didn’t really want to join in any more.
There’s also one bit of FTE invitation dialogue where Kaito claims he’s about to teach Kaede how to have peace of mind… and then he tells stories that make her question his definition of that. Which makes a lot of sense considering that ADHD minds, particularly hyperactive-type ones, are never relaxed for even a moment. Kaito doesn’t know how not to be energetic and over-the-top even when the people he’s with just want to wind down and relax, which also wouldn’t really do him any favours in terms of making friends.
But none of that is Kaito’s fault; he’s not trying to be selfish or drive these people away. It’s simply the way his mind is, always going full-throttle when most other people’s usually aren’t. He just gets so excited about so many things and has a hard time toning that down. Besides, why would Kaito even want to tone it down and be boringly down-to-earth when his mind could be up in space instead!? That’s much better! …except that most other people don’t see it that way.
Too much infodumping
In the training chat, after embarrassing himself with a bungled small talk question and being shown up by Shuichi making it look like it’s actually somehow not a problem to be too direct after all, Kaito attempts to bring things back around to small talk with the, uh, “safe” option of asking Maki what her favourite spaceship is. Which isn’t really small talk at all, of course – but then, actual small talk is hard for ADHD people, because it’s not interesting enough to care about paying proper attention to. They’d much rather be acting on that constant desire to talk about something they’re interested in, such as one of their hyperfixations, which is not always the best way to connect with others who don’t happen to be interested in the same thing.
(Fortunately, since another of his hyperfixations is Maki and her issues, Kaito is perfectly happy to listen once she starts talking about her past, and the conversation shifts back to a comfortable hero-and-sidekick situation again rather than an awkward and confusing how-do-I-friends???)
There’s another of those FTE invitation dialogues in chapter 1 where Kaito tells Kaede he’s a good listener… and then apparently Kaede spends the entire time listening to him instead. Except, obviously Kaito really is a good listener when it’s in his hero-and-sidekick context and he’s helping someone with their problems, because he’s invested in supporting them and so it’d be easy for him to pay attention. But perhaps, when it’s in a regular friendship context and the person he’s talking to doesn’t need his help (like Kaede doesn’t), Kaito’s not quite so good at listening because he’s not necessarily as interested in what they have to say. So he might be liable to just impulsively act on the desire to talk about the things he wants to (such as SPACE; there is always time for space) and then get so focused on it that he overlooks the other person’s feelings and genuinely doesn’t realise he’s coming across as kind of brash and self-absorbed.
Kaito’s second and third FTEs with Shuichi are an even better illustration of this. Upon Shuichi choosing to hang out with him for a second time, Kaito apparently realises Shuichi is interested enough in him to possibly want to be his friend. So he responds to this by… launching into a huge ridiculous story about his (completely make-believe) heroic adventures as a kid. This kind of one-sided conversation and bizarre topic choice is not, in fact, a great way to make friends with someone, but Kaito doesn’t seem to realise this. He finds his story so cool and exciting that he impulsively assumes Shuichi would too and jumps into it without actually confirming whether Shuichi wants to hear it or not. And, honestly, it seems like Shuichi doesn’t, at least not particularly, and is only listening out of politeness and an inability to get a word in edgeways. His less-than-enthusiastic response to Kaito’s story suggests that these FTEs are canonically meant to happen before training begins and Shuichi comes to properly consider Kaito a friend – and therefore that Kaito’s not really doing the best job here of making Shuichi begin to consider him a friend.
Still himself despite it all!
All of these potentially-ADHD-fuelled idiosyncrasies of Kaito’s make it a lot harder for him to make friends in the normal way – and he seems to be somewhat aware of this. Some of the things from the chapter 4 chat hint that he’s slightly insecure and afraid he’s going to put Shuichi and Maki off by being so dorkily himself. There’s also a little more of this in the Salmon Team bonus mode, in which friendship is the entire point, and yet a few lines when he’s inviting Shuichi to hang out hint that Kaito isn’t completely convinced that Shuichi would want to hang out with him as a friend rather than as a sidekick who needs his advice and support. If he was more used to having friends, he probably wouldn’t still be so insecure about this – so this honestly kind of suggests that Shuichi and Maki could be the first real friends Kaito’s ever managed to make.
Because of these kinds of issues in connecting with people, a lot of ADHD kids grow up unconsciously learning to suppress their true selves, hiding their boundless enthusiasm and unusual interests to seem more “normal” so that they can fit in. I know this because I was one such kid, and I’m still struggling to unlearn this as an adult. So I have huge admiration for Kaito having managed to not do this, refusing to let anything stop him from being himself at all times. His convictions about staying true to himself are even more impressive when you realise that he would have felt so pressured to break them and pretend to be someone he’s not in order to more easily make friends.
As strong-willed as Kaito is, I doubt he’d have been able to do this as a kid without help. His parents and grandparents must have been really, really good in validating his passion and energy and never making him feel ashamed for being the way he is, assuring him that if other kids can’t see how great he is then that’s their problem and not because he’s doing anything wrong. He wants to go to space more than anything else in the world? Awesome; he should chase that dream with everything he has and not care how ridiculous and childish and impossible everyone else seems to think it is! Not all parents would do that.
After all, there are a lot of occasions in which Kaito does just brazenly present his larger-than-life self to someone in a clumsily overbearing attempt to make friends, without showing even the subtlest sign of being worried it might put them off. For that matter, Kaito is generally very willing to just throw himself into things he’s unfamiliar with and possibly end up failing spectacularly and making a fool of himself – something that’s likely to be pretty painful for him, given how RSD is. While some of this is probably down to his impulsiveness and not even considering that he might fail, I’m sure sometimes he’s got to be aware of it, and if so, that’s some impressive resilience and determination. People with ADHD can become unconsciously inclined to never try at anything out of a fear of that painful failure, but of course Kaito would refuse to let that happen to him – which is really quite admirable.
Interestingly, all of the times Kaito is subtly insecure about his social skills – the chapter 4 scene, the Salmon Team bits, and maybe that time with the former friend in his FTE if you assume that him wrapping it up in a fiction means he’s still uncomfortable about what happened – involve someone he’s already friends with.  After all, it’s probably easier for him to fearlessly dive in with someone new, because it’s less of a blow if he messes up in that context – not everyone’s going to click with him and that’s just how things go. But once Kaito’s already built a strong connection with someone, he becomes more afraid of messing up, because being rejected by someone important to him would be agonising. You might think that he ought to feel more comfortable around people he’s already friends with because he should trust them and know they’re not going anywhere no matter how much of a dork he is – but when RSD is a factor, it makes perfect sense for it to be the opposite.
Sidekicks can be friends, too!
Perhaps part of why Kaito is able to remain so confident in himself most of the time is because he nonetheless hasn’t grown up alone and lacking meaningful connections to other people. Despite his difficulty in making regular friends, he’s compensated for this by having sidekicks, which are a very different matter that his eccentricities conversely make him very good with. Being enthusiastic and energetic and over-the-top like Kaito can never not be is helpful when he’s being an inspiring hero, not weird or off-putting at all!
Still, while Kaito has a far easier time forging that initial connection with someone through the sidekick approach rather than the friend approach, that doesn’t make him worse at actually being someone’s friend (and not just their “hero”) once he’s got his foot in the door. If Kaito had told the story from his FTEs to Shuichi after they’d started training and properly bonded, Shuichi’s reaction would have been completely different: still probably exasperated, but in an affectionate kind of way, because he knows that’s just part of what makes Kaito who he is, and it’s actually pretty fun to be around. He has a lot of this sort of response to Kaito once they’re friends, and it’s adorable. It’s the same in the chapter 4 training chat – neither Maki nor Shuichi are at all put off by Kaito’s awkwardness, partly because they’re not exactly great at social skills themselves, but also because they know how much Kaito cares about them, and no amount of arbitrary social missteps could ever change that.
When someone becomes Kaito’s sidekick, meaning they’ve accepted his support and understand how much he wants to help them, they can see everything else about him that they might have found weird before in a new light. They learn that his eccentric behaviour isn’t him being deliberately rude or self-absorbed at all. It’s just genuinely how he is, and it’s part of how he can support them so well like he does, but that’s not all it’s good for. They come to appreciate Kaito not just for his incredible supportiveness, but for everything else about him, too. He’s not just their hero, but also their friend.
However… Kaito apparently can’t see that. Since he’s never been that good at forming regular friendships with people who don’t explicitly need him, he’s all too liable to assume that the people who do need him are only sticking around because of that, and no other reason. That co-dependency of Kaito’s I mentioned earlier, aka his rather unhealthy need to be needed? While the stressful context of the killing game definitely made it way worse throughout the story, it seems it was already slightly a thing in the first place – and if so, Kaito having ADHD could very well be the root cause.
Kaito is Good
Being realistic about how sadly uncommon well-represented neurodivergency is in fiction (and how misunderstood ADHD tends to be), I don’t know if I should try to assert that Kaito being ADHD was definitely the writers’ intent. However, almost every major facet of his character and personality fits with it so damn well that I want to think it’s at least possible that someone on the writing team could have had it in mind. Especially with the couple of bits I mentioned that seem like they could have been deliberately included by someone who Knows.
Still, even if it wasn’t intended, it’s amazing how good of a fit this is. Maybe it’s just that, in creating a character as intensely passionate as Kaito, the writers naturally wrote into him all the downsides of being that way as well, without even realising they were near-perfectly modelling the highs and lows of ADHD. After all, the human mind’s ability to simulate other human minds even when they’re not real is freaking magical. Kaito is such an incredibly well-written character with so much thought put into him whether or not he was meant to be as extremely ADHD-coded as he is.
I’ve always believed that Kaito is a fantastic example of how the best way to write realistic and interesting flaws into a character is to have them organically draw from traits that, in other situations, can be that character’s greatest strengths. And in my opinion, this is also kind of true about ADHD. When I figured out I had it and what it really meant, it was hugely validating for me, because I learned that almost everything I’d been struggling with was basically just the logically-inevitable downside of some of the things I’d always liked about myself, such as my ability to get so ridiculously analytical about stories I love like this. I wouldn’t trade those parts of myself away for anything – and I can’t imagine Kaito would, either.
I’ve seen a few posts and articles focusing on the bright side of having ADHD by listing some of the positive traits ADHDers often have because of it, and, delightfully, so many of them – fun to be around! compassionate! persistent! to name just a few – are things that Kaito has in spades. So, well, if ADHD can look so much like Kaito… then surely it can’t be all bad.
-----
(P.S.: High-five to anyone who headcanons Kaito as autistic! There’s a lot of overlap between that and ADHD. Many of the symptoms I’ve talked about here can also be symptoms of autism, and even with the non-overlapping bits, a lot of Kaito’s idiosyncrasies that I linked to ADHD could be interpreted slightly differently to link them to autism instead. I believe ADHD fits him somewhat better than autism does, but then I’m more knowledgeable about ADHD so my data is skewed, plus I’m pretty obviously biased since I’m personally invested in the idea of Kaito being like me. Taking a step back from my more specific headcanon here, though, there’s still every reason to assume that Kaito is at least some flavour of neurodivergent, and I think that’s pretty awesome.)
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the-kaedageist · 5 years
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I just found a Rivals extra prompted by @ariadne-mouse almost a month ago on my computer! 
This takes place during chapter 5 of the fic, when Cisco and Harry are on the local talk show being ridiculous at each other. Ariadne was like “can you imagine the gifs on Earth-2 tumblr after that?” and this was what came out of my brain.
Getting off the phone with yet another member of his board of directors, Cisco was exhausted and it wasn’t even noon yet. Before yet another person called him to complain about him “coming out” as a metahuman (and Cisco rolled his eyes, because this was not nearly as bad as coming out as bi had been with his parents, but this world didn’t even have that trauma unless you were like a fundamentalist in the middle of nowhere), Cisco jumped on the internet to read up on the reactions to his revelation.
There were a lot of articles with titles like “Ramon is a Metahuman! What is the future of Ramon Industries?” or clickbait like “Cisco Ramon reveals his darkest secret!”. Being an Elon Musk-equivalent was kind of weird and invasive; Cisco didn’t know why he’d craved fame so badly before. Unsurprisingly, most of the articles focused on Cisco’s reveal and completely ignored Harry, which was fine by Cisco, who still felt his stomach flip when he thought about how Harry had looked at him with those wide blue eyes as they’d left each other in the parking lot.
Harry. Cisco closed his eyes and took a deep breath, using thoughts of Harry’s calm steadiness, his hand on his shoulder, his unrelenting support to calm himself. No matter what the fallout from his decision ended up being, it was a relief to know that Harry would be there beside him. Sometimes it still blew his mind that the doppelganger of his boss, of Harrison Wells, was quickly become one of the great loves of his life.
Feeling more grounded, Cisco turned back to the internet once more, ignoring yet another call from an unlisted number (most likely another reporter). From being a nerd himself, he knew that he had a rather passionate fanbase on Jumblr, Earth-2’s version of Tumblr. Jumblr had better mechanics to the site and was more user friendly, but otherwise it was pretty similar overall, and Cisco occasionally found himself scrolling through it trying to learn about Earth-2 pop culture. There was also that one particularly pathetic time when he’d searched the ‘harrison wells’ tag and found Harry’s GQ spread – that had been a Lot.
Opening Jumblr, Cisco searched the ‘cisco ramon’ tag and blinked in surprise at the posts that came up. There were a handful of posts talking about how brave he had been to come out as metahuman, a few “Cisco Ramon is cancelled” posts that made him feel sad, and then the third most popular subject was…people posting gifs of him and Harry staring at one another? They even apparently now had a ship name, “Ramells”. (Seriously, there had to be a better smushname than that – Earth-1 Tumblr would totally have come up with something better.)
The ‘ramells’ tag was filled with post after post of gifs and commentary. ‘Look at how Ramon glances at Wells and licks his lips,’ one post read. ‘And Wells’s eyes catch on his mouth. They’re totally boning.’
‘It’s gross to speculate about the fictional relationship between two real people!’ another post proclaimed. Another person had replied to that with Cisco Ramon/Reader fanfiction, which Cisco carefully scrolled past without reading.
Then he found a gif set of the aforementioned mouth licking, and, oh, the internet was 100% right on the money. The gif-maker had slowed down the footage to really accentuate the look that Cisco tossed at Harry under his eyelashes, licking his mouth as their eyes caught. A second gif showed Harry’s eyes slowly dipping to watch Cisco’s mouth, biting his own lower lip between his teeth. The evidence was pretty damning.
Cisco didn’t know how he felt about it. Sure, he’d wanted to climb Harry like a tree for nearly a month, and he’d known for awhile that Harry felt the same way and was giving him space for some reason, but he wasn’t sure he liked it being broadcast to the world for everyone to see. It felt like something private, that belonged to just them.
Beneath the mouth-licking gifset, someone had written fanfic of him and Harry. Cisco scrolled past originally until curiosity got the better of him; he scrolled back up. This person had imagined them catching one another backstage, and Cisco couldn’t help himself and started reading.
Wells caught up with Ramon, catching him by the wrist and tugging him around to face him. “Ramon,” he said. “Wait. I—“
“If you’re going to judge me for being a metahuman, I don’t want to talk about it,” Ramon said hotly.
“I wasn’t going to judge you, I think you’re incredibly brave. I just.” Wells broke off, cursing. “I just wanted to do this.” He tugged Ramon in closer and leaned down to capture his mouth in a brutal, searing kiss. Ramon was stunned – Harrison Wells was kissing him!! – but kissed him back fervently—
Cisco scrolled past it again, rolling his eyes. He’d thought the interview had made it clear that Harry already knew he was a metahuman. Some people had no listening comprehension.
There was another gifset with all the moments highlighted in yellow during the interview where he’d called Harry ‘Harry’. ‘They have nicknames for each other!’ the post proclaimed. ‘Cisco calls Harrison Wells ‘Harry!’’
Several of the gifsets had also been reblogged by a popular tabloid, which was not something that tended to happen on Earth-1 tumblr. Earth-2 was weird about their celebrity shipping culture.
Cisco read the posts with a mixture of amusement, chagrin, and embarrassment – god, he and Harry really were ridiculous for each other. He finally selected one of the gif sets that involved mouth-licking and staring and copied the link for it, pasting it into a message to Harry. “The internet loves us,” he said, sending it before he could regret it.
During the five minutes it took Harry to respond, Cisco managed to second guess himself and regret his message. What if Harry found it weird and invasive? What if he didn’t understand how Jumblr worked?
Finally, Harry replied. “What on earth is this?”
Cisco had a good chuckle imagining Harry’s horrified face. “Jumblr has decided we’re in love,” he replied.
To Cisco’s astonishment, the response from Harry was not nearly as angry and horrified as he expected. Instead, he got back the shrug emoji with, “if the shoe fits.”
He stared at the message for a long time, feeling warm all over. Was Harry saying…did he…?
“I guess it does,” he cautiously typed in response, his head swimming.
“It does for me,” Harry replied. “I’ll meet you at 4 in the parking lot at Rathaway Industries?”
Cisco’s heart flip-flopped in his chest. Who was Harry? How was he so different from Dr. Wells? What had Cisco done in his short life to deserve this incredible, ravenous desire that unfurled between them every time they were in each other’s presence?
And how was Cisco ever going to leave Harry when he finally found a way back to Earth-1?
He’d deal with that problem when he had to. “It’s a date,” he replied with a cheeky grin. “See you at 4.”
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tisfan · 6 years
Text
Ex Nihilo Fihil Fit
Title Ex Nihilo Fihil Fit (From Nothing comes Nothing) Link A03 Square Filled O4 Ship Brock Rumlow/Bucky Barnes (WinterBones) Rating Explicit Major Tags smoking, aftermath of injuries, Steve has guilt, Bucky has issues, hand job, continued enthusiastic dubcon, shotgunning, drug use Summary In the aftermath of the helicarrier battle, Rumlow is desperately injured and calls to the one person who might help him. The Winter Soldier. Who still has a mission to complete. Word Count 3,071 Created for @mcukinkbingo 
For @shi-toyu -- a sequel to Quid Pro Quo
A/n: Bucky’s consent in here is still both enthusiastic and dubious, as he’s still brainwashed. Rumlow’s consent is also a little dubious, because he’s injured and high as a kite on morphine. You know your own state of mind.
The Asset dragged the man (Steve, that’s Steve, that’s Steve) to the shore. The man coughed up an obscene amount of water from the river and started breathing, ragged. The Asset looked down at the man. (Steve! Steve you fucking idiot, that’s--)
“-- james?”
The com unit fritzed in his ear. A crackle of static and then a soft, pained voice. The Asset was already fighting the… the other (Bucky!) in his head, conflicted between his need to finish the mission and his need to save the man (Steve!). The tug of war was so great, the Asset could almost feel his brain being ripped apart.
Which meant that James -- that third and most elusive of the shades that haunted the Asset -- had a target of opportunity and he took it with sly vengeance, shoving both Bucky and the Asset aside.
The Asset didn’t fight.
He never fought the shadows of his past; that was for handlers and words and cryo. It wasn’t his job to keep his fractured brain together.
“... james i need an extraction…”
The Asset retreated with one last look at the man (Steve!) on the side of the water, bleeding and breathing.
“Brock, give me your position,” James said into the com. “I’m on my way. Mission failure, the target is still alive.”
“...abort mission…” crackle, pop, hiss… “... ambulance, west on 66. GW hospital. James… I’m… dy--”
No. No.
James wasn’t going to lose him. He settled his gear, got his bearings, and started to run.
Everything hurt, everything. His fucking arm was broken and was going to need to be rebroken to set the bone correctly.
At his best, James could run upwards of sixty miles an hour, for about three hours before he’d collapse. Today… not his best day. He barely made it to the hospital ahead of the ambulance. He waited until the driver got out of the vehicle before he hijacked it. Restrained, he pointed his gun at the medical team. “Get out.” They bailed, and James drove.
“Drive it like you stole it, hotshot,” Brock said from the back of the ambulance. His face was covered with a breathing mask; his body was broken and bloody, but he was awake, and those warm brown eyes of his were watching everything with the diligence of a predator.
“I did steal it,” James said, and then he laughed, a short bark of a sound, choppy and ugly. “What happened?”
“Building came down,” Brock told him. “Fucking helicarrier crashed into it.”
James swallowed hard. “My fault--”
Brock waved it away. “Drive first, blame later.”
James drove.
(more below the cut or at A03)
There wasn’t pain, and Rumlow wasn’t sure if that was a bad sign or not. He’d been crushed under the building, he’d been burned, he’d been-- why wasn’t there pain?
There was darkness, black and unrelenting. He couldn’t feel anything, it was like he was a series of muddled and confused thoughts with no body attached. Had he died, was he dead.
He forced his tongue to work, tried to work up enough spit to open his mouth. Managed to poke his tongue between his lips; they rasped, dry and chapped, and that was something, at least. He made a sound.
“Shhh.” A voice. “I’m here.” Something cold touched his mouth, a trickle of water, and Rumlow opened his mouth, greedy. Warm fingers, tasting like gun oil, shoved a piece of ice in his mouth.
“Sitrep?”
“Safehouse,” James told him. “You’re in bad shape. Burned. Crushed. Hydra’s fallen. SHIELD, too. Captain America is in the hospital. He’s not dead.” There was the sound of a gun slide being reassembled. The unspoken yet. “Can you finish a mission, now?” Rumlow asked. He didn’t want to doubt, but he’d watched as Bucky, that fucking little puppy, drop-kicked Brooklyn boy, bubbled to the surface. Watched as Pierce tried to slap it out of him, and failed. Bucky, so damn close to the surface and damn Pierce for putting the Asset out there in the first place. Hadn’t the man done his fucking research? Didn’t he know the few times they’d almost lost the Asset before had been because he’d come across something that reminded him of Captain fucking America? (“Let’s hear it for Captain America!” It was on the fucking film, for shit’s sake?)
“Ain’t a mission,” James told him.
“Then what is it?”
“It’s personal,” James said. There was a puff of air, then James’s mouth touched his cheek. “Don’t worry. I’m gonna take care of you. Few days, til you’re stable. Then I’ll get him. I’ll fucking kill him.”
For you. That went unspoken, too.
Steve tried to tell himself it was a dream, because none of the rest of it made any goddamn sense at all.
He’d woken up a few times, with Sam sitting next to him. Once with Nat. Fury had been there for about ninety seconds at one point, disguised as a janitor. It wasn’t a look that suited him.
But Steve woke up one night, dark as hell.
Wasn’t even aware that there was another person in the room for a few minutes, then--
“Bucky?”
A shadow detached itself from the wall, stepped forward. It wasn’t the Winter Soldier in his black tactical gear. It wasn’t that ice cold, emotionless face, that killer stride. It wasn’t even the wide eyed terror of a trapped animal that Steve had seen on the helicarrier.
Just a man. In a green coat with a sweatshirt underneath and his hair tucked up under a ballcap. Just a man with healing bruises. He didn’t look lots better than Steve did, probably should have been in a hospital himself.
“No,” Bucky said. “I ain’t your Bucky.”
He did have a gun, and Steve would have worried more about that if he cared. He didn’t care. He was so tired, he was still in pain, and his chest ached with the strain of not bolting out of the bed to throw his arms around the man who stood there, not quite hostile, in the middle of his hospital room.
“You know me…”
“I don’t belong to you,” Bucky said. He raised the gun, lowered it again. Took a step closer. There was pain, anger, confusion in those blue eyes.
“You never did,” Steve said, and that much was true. More like Steve had belonged to Bucky. Body, soul, and heart. Everything. He would have done anything for Bucky. “Are you okay, pal?”
“I ain’t your pal, neither,” Bucky said. The gun moved again, threatening.
“Doesn’t matter,” Steve said. “Doesn’t matter if you know me, doesn’t matter if you care about me, none of that matters. I know you. I care about you.”
Bucky shook his head. “You don’t know me,” he said. The gun shifted a third time, and Steve tracked its movements.
“Are you here to finish your mission?”
“No missions,” Bucky said. “Hydra’s gone. Pierce is dead. There’s no missions. Just revenge.”
“For what?” Steve was in shock, what the hell had he done to Bucky that Bucky would want revenge?
“You hurt Brock,” Bucky said. He tapped the gun against his thigh a few times.
Steve blinked. Of course he’d hurt Rumlow, Rumlow’d tried to arrest him, succeeded in taking them captive for a while. Rumlow had hurt Sam. Rumlow was fucking Hydra, of-- Steve bit his lip and did the only smart thing he could do. Didn’t say anything.
It was harder than it should have been, not to justify, not to explain. Not to point blame at Sam, or at Bucky himself, or even a Rumlow, who started the whole goddamn thing by being a treacherous snake in the first place.
The silence stretched between them.
Then, finally, Steve couldn’t take it anymore. “It was an accident,” he said. “The helicarrier crashed into the Triskelion. You were there. A lot of people got hurt. I… wish it hadn’t had to be that way.” The price of freedom is high… that’s what he’d said. He was willing to pay it, and yet Steve never was the one who bore that burden. Other people, hundreds of people, had died in the battle. But not Steve.
Bucky’s hand was shaking. “You tried to-- tried to take everything from me,” he snapped. The gun came back up, pointed directly at Steve’s heart.
“Bucky,” Steve burst out, not able to help himself. “What the hell is Rumlow to you?”
Steve shouldn’t have said that, because the pieces of Bucky’s expression fell apart. He was grieving, anguished. In agony. What the hell had Hydra done to him, Bucky’d never looked like that, ever. Not…
“Shut up! He’s not your Bucky. There’s no Bucky here. Bucky’s dead, he’s dead, and we killed him, Hydra killed him. He had nothing. Nothing to hold on to.” He brandished the gun at Steve, and there wasn’t any fear in that room, not from Steve’s side, but Bucky was wild, and there didn’t seem to be anything Steve could do to calm him. It wasn’t like the first few fights, where Winter Soldier was calm, icy. Almost inhuman. “Brock… Brock helps me. He helps me, he takes care of me, he loves me, and you can’t have him! He’s mine, he’s mine, and you’re nothing! You’re nothing to me, and why can’t I kill you?” The Winter Soldier was breathing harder, sweating, face wild and yet somehow soft at the same time.
Oh. Oh, my god. Everything south of Steve’s neck went numb with shock and horror. “He’s your lover,” Steve said.
Winter Soldier -- or Bucky, or whoever he was -- actually nodded. Lowered the gun a little.
Right. Steve was going to throw up. He knew a little about brainwashing, about conditioning. Just the things that Natasha had confided in him, but her matter-of-fact retelling of her own trauma, of the things they had done to prepare her for what she became… if they’d even done a fraction of those things to Bucky, it was no wonder he was divorcing himself from the man he’d once been. The man that those things had happened to. “Christ, Buc-- what should I call you? What… what can I do?”
He’d meant what can I do to help you.
Instead, the Winter Soldier took it as license to raid Steve’s supplies. Pain pills that Steve didn’t take because they didn’t affect him. The damn IV and the spare bag. He searched the cabinet, took the doctor’s draw kit and a bag full of bandages.
“He’s not dead--” Jesus. Bucky’s captor and handler and liar and probably rapist was still alive and Bucky was going to go help him?
“Not if I can do anything about it,” the Winter Soldier told him. “Get more. I don’t care how you do it. A debriding kit. Pain medication. Antibiotics. You get them for me.”
“I’ll need time,” Steve said and that was nothing but true.
“Put together a package. Get your bird-friend to put it on the roof for me. No traps, no tricks, or you won’t be the first one to die,” Bucky said. It wasn’t even a threat, just a fact. A cold, ugly fact.
“I’ll do what I can.” Jesus. Even help Rumlow, if it would keep Bucky on a short tether until they could figure out what to do, how to help him, break him out of this.
“You didn’t kill him,” Rumlow said. James had washed him down, slow, with a damp cloth. Gave him two pills and an injection -- explained how he’d bugged the man’s room, to keep an eye on things. James couldn’t -- or wouldn’t -- say if he’d hoped the target tried to cheat him, thus earning a quick death, or didn’t, thus helping. In either case, James had tasted and tested everything they’d put in the bag. It would do, for the time being.
James shrugged one shoulder. “He’s useful, for now. We’ll get you patched up, an’ then get the fuck out of here. He’s tryin’ to keep me close. I don’t trust him.” There was just enough puzzlement in his face that Rumlow knew James was fighting his programming. Knew that it was going to be over soon. Cap’s pal, Bucky, was fighting his way to the surface.
“Yeah, stubborn as fuck, that one,” Rumlow said. “I’m just gonna slow you down--”
“I’m not leaving you,” James said. “I got you a present.”
Rumlow raised an eyebrow, then grimaced as it pulled at the damaged skin of his face. “Better than a hospital grade morphine drip an’ chocolate pudding?” Even through the morphine, that hurt. James hadn’t let him near a mirror; Rumlow couldn’t tell if that was just a coincidence, or deliberate, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what he looked like. He’d been in pain before, but getting a building dropped on you would slow down just about anyone.
James held up a pack of cigarettes, brown wrapped. Nat-Shermans. The ones Rumlow smoked when he was celebrating.
“What the fuck are we celebrating?”
“We’re alive,” James said. He put one hand down on Rumlow’s elbow, one of the few places that didn’t hurt, ache, burn, or twinge. The small patch of relatively unharmed skin was unduly sensitive and James traced his fingers gently over it, sweeping circles along the tender inner skin of Rumlow’s arm. “We’re together.”
Rumlow made another face; his lungs ached with need. James was right; they were celebrating. They were alive. They were free, for the moment. James would take care of him. “I don’t think I can smoke,” Rumlow said, and that hurt, both in the actual pain meaning of the word, and the meaning behind it. He was too weak, too dependent.
James shrugged again. He tore off the cellophane wrapper, tapped the box to pack the tobacco down. He opened the pack, held the dark cigarette between his lips and lit it. Like a pro. Like it was something that he’d done so often the movements were muscle memory. Or something more than muscle memory. The Asset didn’t smoke. Hydra had no reason to allow it, or even offer it. Which must mean Bucky had smoked.
Fuck. Rumlow was going to lose him, lose him to those memories of who he used to be, and-- his chest squeezed again, agony, ripped and tearing, shaking, shattered. Something in his chest broke open, bleeding.
James inhaled, and leaned in close. Before Rumlow could even figure out what he was doing, those plush lips were on his and James was blowing, softly. The taste of tobacco in his mouth. Rumlow inhaled, slow and shallow, drawing the smoke into his lungs as James filtered it for him, made it thin and mild.
Even second hand, shotgunning the cigarette, it burned in his chest, made him light-headed and swimmy. Or maybe that was just James’ mouth, tasting him and the way his tongue moved, delicate and subtle, across Rumlow’s lips.
Rumlow let the smoke back out, curling from his mouth.
Rumlow wasn’t certain when sharing the cigarette became more than that, became apparent that James was seducing him. Somewhere in the nicotine haze and the deeper, darker pool of morphine, there was want. Even as his blood heated and raced, Rumlow’s brain was sharp. Cold. Calculating. James was teasing at him, of his own will, in his own mind.
Can I keep you?
Will you stay?
If Rumlow made James his, some primitive brand, some possessive need, James would stay, would stay with him. Always.
“You want another?” James asked, hand still moving over the few patches of Rumlow where his body wasn’t destroyed.
“Yeah.” And even in the roughness of his voice, smoke-thick and aching, Rumlow knew he was asking for more.
James drew more smoke, gave it to Rumlow like the most precious drop of water in the desert. Licked at the cracked and aching mouth. Nudged until Rumlow was forced to loll his head back, displaying his throat.
And then James had no choice, it seemed, except to make love to Rumlow’s neck.
He kissed, thoroughly, sparing no inch of skin in a sensual onslaught against Rumlow’s shattered, scattered nerves. Moved up the line of his jaw, nuzzled softly at the skin just behind his ear. It hurt, damn it hurt, every bit of Rumlow’s body had been battered and bruised, but he didn’t know how to tell James to stop.
Didn’t want him to stop.
A dark current of fear ran under the wanting, but it was swallowed up, discovered and chased away by how excruciatingly gentle James was. Even getting hard hurt; god only knew what his dick looked like, but at least it was still there. Intact enough to get hard.
Rumlow turned his head, met James’s mouth with his own. Tasted smoke and the salt-sweat of the man’s skin.
“I’ve got you, Brock,” James promised him. His hand slid beneath the blankets. Ever so soft, gentle. He stroked Rumlow’s dick. Took another draw of smoke and gave it to him, kissed him while the nicotine passed back and forth between them. Fucked his tongue into Rumlow’s mouth with easy urgency.
It was barely enough pressure, like a sustained tease, but it would have to do. Everything else just hurt too fucking much.
More smoke. More touch. More sweet, stubborn kisses. It was the slowest, most agonizing handjob he’d ever gotten. Minutes rolled by and sweat shivered down his neck as James touched him, stroked him. Breathed for him. Moved with him.
By the time Rumlow tipped over the edge, half the pack of smokes was gone. They both tasted of ash and blood, and Rumlow was sobbing aloud with racking, racing need.
“I’ve got you. I won’t let anything happen to you. Be so good to you. I’m yours, everything, anything, you ever want.”
Rumlow managed to get a hand on the back of James’s neck, pulled the man in and rested his forehead against James’s neck. “Love you.” He stiffened, muscles aching, and then--
There was no pleasure so sweet, so exquisite, as relief from pain.
Coming wasn’t the normal jolt of heat and rush, but a tender quiver. Like pulling the blankets up on a cold night and snuggling in.
Only a few moments of blissful, pain-free rapture. Rumlow was holding on, as tight as he could, knowing that the pain was going to seep back in and drown him. But for this moment… James was holding him up.
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spnrelatedurl · 7 years
Text
Stay Beautiful - Chapter 1
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A/N: I’m doing a complete re-do of Stay Beautiful. I’ll keep the original first chapter up, but I won’t be updating that anymore. Sorry. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. It’s a little bit different, but still a Jared daughter story. It’s based heavily on a book I once read titled ‘Girl, Missing’ which you should check out if you can. Anyways, as I said, ENJOY!! :D
Trigger Warnings: Kidnap, missing child, fake adoption (if that’s one)
Word count: 2080
Tag List:  @winchesters-favorite-girl @winchester-writes @storyofawinchester @rosie-winchester @bea789 @straightasdeanwinchester (More room for anyone who wants to be added.)
Who Am I?
I stared at the cursor blinking on the screen as I thought of the answer to the very same question that’s haunted me since I first started gaining self-awareness. If this were a few years ago, I’d be able to answer this in no time at all. It was all so simple back then. My name’s Kendra Ryan Wood. I have brown hair, green eyes, and I am tall for my age. Like, no joke. That’s actually what I wrote in the first class of year 4. That was ages ago. But now they don’t care about any of that. They want to know who you are when you’re angry, or sad, or happy, or excited. They want to know who you are inside.
I was feeling quite burnt out at the moment to be honest. I needed a break. I decided to text my best friend, Morgan.
How are you doing with the stupid Who Am I thing – Kendra
We regret to inform you that Morgana ‘Morgan’ Caldwell died from boredom whilst attempting her homework last night – Morgan
I’ve got to hand it to her, Morgan never fails to crack me up when I’m at my lowest. We’ve been friends since primary school.
Who Am I?
I groaned and rested my head in my hand. For these stupid essays, you have to know where you come from. And I have no idea where I come from. I was adopted as a baby.
A minute later, mum was calling me from downstairs.
“Kendra, dinner’s ready.”
“Coming!”
I rushed downstairs, glad to get away from the stupid essay. And it really was a stupid essay. It was my last year of school. How did they not know who I was already?
I sat down at the table ready for dinner, kind of nervous about what I was going to ask. Mum came in, skinny and thin lipped as usual. I looked the complete opposite of her. She started ladling up the soup, and fair to say I wasn’t all too hungry. Not only was I nervous, but mum’s not exactly a tungsten chef and she knows it.
“How’s the homework going?” She asked, putting some soup in my dad’s bowl.
“Mmmn.” I mumbled.
“For gods’ sake, Kendra. Why can’t you speak properly?” She asked, setting her own meal on the table. I inhaled, gathering up the courage to ask her. Very clearly, and very slowly, I began to speak.
“Who’s my real mother?” I asked.
She froze for a second, seemingly terrified. Then she turned into stone. No movement. No emotion.
“I am, silly.” She said. “What do you mean?”
I looked away.
“Nothing. Forget I said anything.” I said, even though I knew she wouldn’t.
“I thought you didn’t care about knowing?”
“I don’t.”
“And anyway, I couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to. It was a closed adoption which means…”
“…which means neither side knows about the other. I know.” I said. My dad came in towards the end of the conversation. He looked somewhat worried.
“Is someone saying things at school?” He asked.
“No.”
Trust my parents to think someone else was putting ideas in my head. God forbid I should think for myself. Just then, my younger brother ran in. He is incredibly immature. Like, annoyingly so.
“Mum, what’s for dinner?” Jack asked. Jack’s thirteen and the spitting-image of my dad, and my mum calls him her little test-tube miracle. If we ever needed living proof we shouldn’t play god, he would be it. “Oh god. This soup stinks!”
“Not as much as you.”
He then hit me with his spoon.
“Mum, Jack’s hitting me again!”
Mum glared at us both, but I could tell she was favouring Jack even though she knows he was in the wrong. Could it be bias? That I’m not her real child? Or maybe it’s sexism. She always says boys are easier to look after than girls. So why get me, a girl, in the first place?
She used to say things that made me feel special. Like her and dad picked me out of every child in the world, which is a) completely false because some kids don’t need adopting, and b) kind of insulting to all the other kids. But now it makes me feel like I was a load of hassle and I wasn’t worth it. They should’ve picked someone else, honestly.
“This soup looks like Kendra threw up.” He said. I rolled my eyes. Sometimes I really, really hate him.
A while later I went back upstairs and got back to staring at my homework. Ugh.
Who Am I?
I typed adopted and lost in the search engine. I’d been thinking about this so much recently. Hell, if you saw me a week ago you’d probably crack up with laughter. I was so nervous, but what was I even expecting? A website by the name of kendrathisisalltheinformationaboutyouradoption.com? That would be even more ridiculous. Still, I hit search.
I flicked through page after page of hopeful stories. Rather boring and unrealistic to me in all honesty. I was ready to close the page until I found a site for missing children.
How does someone lose a child? I can understand losing them for five minutes or so, maybe even an hour then you find them hiding in the kitchen cupboard covered in flour. And also psychos kidnapping or murdering kids, but you only hear about that once or twice a year. Still, out of curiosity I clicked on the link.
I was astounded. There were so many faces. Did all of these belong to missing children? I didn’t even know what I was doing, just mucking about. But I decided to search my name. Kendra.
3 results.
One was a black 5-year-old that went missing two years ago.
Another was a white blonde toddler that went missing 5 months ago.
And then there was another one.
Chloe Kendra Padalecki
Case type: Lost, Missing
Date of birth: 31st August 1999
Age now: 18
Birth place: San Antonio, Texas, USA
Hair: Brown Eyes: Green
 The only picture was of a baby girl wrapped in a blanket in the hospital just after she was born. That’s it – because she was snatched at the hospital. Or at least that’s what everyone assumes. It was my birthday though. Exactly. And the same date I was adopted. But it was impossible. I’m British. This baby was born in America. That couldn’t be me, surely.
There was a knock at my door so I locked the computer.
“Yeah?” I asked, my heart still seemingly beating in my throat.
“It’s Morgan.” She said, coming in. I leaped off my bed, practically pulled her inside and closed my door.
“Okay, when I tell you what I’m about to tell you please don’t freak out. I mean, it’s probably nothing anyway, I just don’t want you to tell me to beam back to whatever bizarro planet I came from.” I told her.
“Oh my god! Please don’t tell me you’re pregnant!” She exclaimed.
“What? No. How would that even be possible?” I asked. She shrugged. “Look, you know how I’m adopted and everything?” I asked.
“How could I ever forget? That’s all you’ve been going on about for the past month.”
“Shut up! It’s not. Really, it’s not. It’s just. Well I was getting carried away with this stupid essay and I came across this stupid website with this stupid information about some stupid missing baby…” I began.
“Please stop saying stupid?”
“Right. Anyway, I found this;” I typed in my password and the website came up again, good as new.
She looked at the picture for a bit and studied the information.
“You don’t think that’s you, do you?” She asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Oh my god. You do, don’t you?”
“A little bit.” I confessed.
“Plus, have you ever watched Supernatural?” She asked. I rolled my eyes at her.
“Of course I have. It’s my favourite show in the whole world. You know that.” I said.
“Then you’d know Jared’s last name is…”
“Padalecki, I know. But that doesn’t mean it’s his. Could be his brother, a cousin, maybe even a completely unrelated family.”
“Yes, because Padalecki is a very common name in Texas.” She sarcastically said. “That being said, I mean… who else could it be? She does have your eyes. And remember when we were going through your family photo album a few months ago?”
“Oh god!” I groaned.
“Do you wanna call the number?” She asked.
“What, are you crazy? Of course not.” I answered, snatching the laptop back from her. She just shrugged.
“Just as well.” She said, flopping down on my bed.
“What do you mean?” I asked, getting really freaked out right now.
“Look, she’s kidnapped.”
“Yeah… and?”
“Well,” Morgan hesitated. “if that Chloe Kendra girl really is you, and I’m not saying she is – but if she is, how do you think all this happened?” She asked.
“Huh?” I asked, confused as always.
“I mean, how did baby you get from Texas to London straight away?”
I shook my head. This was all far too much. I could hardly stand it. Besides, trust Morgan to think of all the practical and logical questions. It didn’t ever cross my mind that there was a possibility I could be a completely different person.
“Think about it, Ken.” She smiled weakly. “Kids don’t just disappear without a reason. If this is you, you must’ve been taken deliberately.”
I shook my head again.
“What’s that got to do with my mum and dad?” I asked, dreading her answer.
“If you were taken, we have to consider the possibility that your parents were somehow involved.” She answered.
No. No. there’s no way. Not my mum and dad. And yet, what other explanation was there?
A week went past with the idea implanted in my brain. It’s not like I thought it was possible, but still. Once an idea is in your head, it gets stuck there. You can’t un-think it. It was another usual week besides that day, and I didn’t think anything could come of it to be honest.
It was later at night, which meant I was doing more homework on the sofa in the living room as my dad read the paper, sitting on his armchair. It was Jack’s bedtime, and as per usual, he came downstairs asking for a snack.
“Okay, fine. Here’s an apple my sweet, I can’t let you go to bed hungry. Now go.” She shushed him out the door. Trust my mum to give special treatment to Jack. Mum went back to the kitchen and dad looked like he was desperately trying to figure out how to say something. But what could it be?
“Listen, I know how you’ve been asking about your adoption recently – and I feel as though if you’re old enough to ask…” He began. But then mum came in, knowing what dad was talking about just by looking at him.
“Old enough to ask what?” She asked. My dad froze, shook his head, grumbled, and then went back to reading his paper as if nothing happened. Mum sighed and put her left hand on her hip. “Dave, we’ve talked about this.” She said with an angry tone.
“Oh, nice to know you guys have been talking about me behind my back.” I said sarcastically. Alright, it was somewhat childish, but I’m kind of fed up of being the only person unaware of my past.
“It’s not like that, Kendra.” Mum sighed.
“Yes, it is. I’m so sick of not even being part of the family I’ve always supposed to have been part of.” I yelled before storming upstairs.
I slammed my door from the outside – a little trick I learned when I was younger – so I could eavesdrop on what they were going to argue about.
“Why did you bring that up?” Mum screamed.
“She’s 18 for Christ sake. If not now, when should we tell her? We said at 16, then 18, but you decided against it.” Dad argued. He then mumbled something completely incoherent.
“I know. Just not now okay? Maybe next birthday.” Mum suggested.
How could they tell me something about my closed adoption? Clearly it’s not as closed as they’re letting on. So what is it they’re not telling me? Could I really be Chloe Kendra Padalecki?
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bleedingcoffee42 · 7 years
Text
Absent- Part 31
Previous Parts/Tracking tag
I just keep writing, I am sorry.
xxxxx
Roy refused to leave the infirmary after telling the doctors what she was most likely suffering from.  The doctors were skeptical but he was rather persuasive and somewhat threatening.  Alchemy could manipulate sleep patterns and brain chemicals to put a patient to sleep, and Roy made them all believers in the process of scaring them even more.   Unfortunately he was not happy when they confessed that sleep studies were not part of their expertise and he would require a specialist for that.   The medical staff was sure to give her a through checkup while Roy commandeered their phone, happy to have something to do that was not involved with Colonel Mustang.  
She focused on Roy, listening intently to his angry words barked at some innocent individual on the other end of a phone line.  He called to verify that Henry was in lockup, and ordered he not be interrogated by anyone other than him or Maes Hughes.   That..worried her.   However his next call was to Hughes and she heard the stress in his voice as his best friend reacted to the news, and her heart ached a little.   That ache that made her feel loved but also sad that she was causing him grief.  
“Hughes, just get on the next train or get in a car and be here as soon as you can.   I'll hopefully have answers then, but you don't have time to waste asking questions.”
It was a subtle crack in his voice that betrayed him as he said 'Hughes'.   He was asking his best friend to come help him, not the head of Military Investigations.  He was asking Maes to give him support and be there to stop him from doing something wrong.  
“She's....Ok.”
It was the uncertainty, the hesitation...the quiet words spoken somewhere beyond the curtain pulled shut around her bed.   He was worried and it was tearing him apart that he had to sit at the desk and be the asshole Colonel instead of by her bedside.   These were the moments that it truly hurt to be them; when the slightest touch of reassurance would mean the world but it would also cause their world to come crashing down around them.  
“You won't be if you don't get off the damned phone and get your ass out here!”
There it was, the recovery from the break in his carefully maintained resolve.   She knew the infirmary staff was listening, trying to avoid eye contact, trying to avoid his wrath.   They were also looking for something to confirm rumors everyone had heard.   As the phone slammed down into it's cradle, she heard some shuffling as everyone went back to work. He was lashing out as a defense mechanism but also in the best way possible to avoid anyone scrutinizing them too much because they were too afraid to even be in a room with him.  
The doctor on call made sure to duck back into her enclosure to avoid being in the path of the Colonel's unrelenting questions.  “So, let's check your vitals again, shall we?”
She nodded and sat up and felt the stethoscope touch her skin.  They would release her because they simply had no answers to give him and they just wanted him gone.   That suited her just fine, however once they got back to the office she was going to have to tell him what happened and she wasn't sure how to go about doing that.   So much was too personal to be spoken aloud at work, too personal to even be spoken in private before she really had time to come to terms with all of it.   It wasn't tell a story about some crazy dream she had, it was tell the story of her life, her fears and unrealized feelings.  
“Deep breath.”
She did as requested and it made her reflect on her final transmutation that enabled her to escape her dream.   If she increased the oxygen concentration around her body....how was Roy holding her like he was and unaffected?  
“Again.”
She took in another lungful of air and contemplated that answer.   If she had indeed succeeded in performing alchemy, than Roy would have been affected being that close to her.  She felt a little shred of disappointment...it had been just her imagination.   Just her belief in the dream that she could conquer this elusive art that had surrounded her her entire life and always been just out of reach.   She suddenly felt like a fool, playing a trick on her own body and mind and somehow forgetting it was all...just a dream. The stethoscope moved to her heart and the doctor seemed pleased with the results.  Now she wasn't sure she wanted to share the details of her adventure, somewhat embarrassed by it all.
“Well I don't see anything that concerns me....”  The Doctor hesitated when he heard boots squeak on the linoleum and knew that Colonel Mustang was waiting to ambush him as soon as he materialized on the other side of the curtain.  He made it clear that he wanted to debrief his Lieutenant immediately following a clear health exam.   “I think we can safely release you back to work however I want you to come back immediately if you are experiencing any irregularities.  Your blood work will take time to come back from the lab and we are checking the register for specialists in this...unique area.”
She smiled at him. “Thank you, Doctor Phillips.”
The doctor vanished and she was left to get changed behind the curtain, the entire time she could feel his presence hovering beside the cotton shield just waiting for her to push it back and reappear.   It was already such a long day and there was no end in sight, she just wanted to sit down on the couch and lay in his arms and tell him this story.  Only then could she maybe start to make sense of it herself, when he could lend her his perspective and point out fallacies in her thinking.  Instead they would carry on as usual, Colonel and Lieutenant and file the reports and do the interviews and go home to separate apartments because it was too risky to be together now.  
So as she finished dressing she drew back the curtain and looked at him as he stood there with a forced expression of annoyance, and gave him a smile that nobody else could possibly see.  A smile to tell him she was fine, that she was so damned glad to see him and that she was going to be up for the task that lay ahead.   He gave her a nod and walked to the door, holding it open for her.
“Alright Lieutenant, let's get the necessary paperwork started.  I want to be fully briefed before I interrogate Mr. Henry.”
She nodded and signed her name on the medical documents that the nurse provided for her on a clipboard.   Seeing Dr. Phillips name made her think of something.  “You said Mister Henry...wasn't he a doctor?”
“Not anymore.” Roy said and waited for her to hand the clipboard back.   This was his fault.  They walked into the hallway and the infirmary door closed behind them, then he continued. “I was quick to call the psychiatric hospital and express my concerns after he submitted his research for consideration at the certification meeting.   They had his license suspended while a full investigation was conducted on his work at the psychiatric hospital.   That man was not a doctor and I was not going to address him by that title when he clearly abused his privileges and abandoned his principals to pursue a new career as a State Alchemist.”
She heard the guilt through the professional statement, the resounding 'This was my fault...'.  “You were clearly right to do so.”
He couldn't say anything.   He almost lost her because he once again tried to do the right thing.  He didn't have to be the arrogant dick about it, he could have handled the situation better.   Maybe then Henry would have....
“If you didn't do what you did he would have gone back to work and continued his research on those patients.”  Riza said knowing he was mentally flogging himself for creating this situation.    She remembered what Kimblee had said, about those 'types' of people.   “He clearly is a man who does not see the wrongs in his actions.   He would have either taken it out on those patients or you, never once thinking that his thinking was what was flawed.   You saved a lot of people Colonel.”
“That's always the problem, in saving a lot of people the sacrifices that have to be made....”  Roy reached the door and held it open for her as he tried to complete his thoughts.   “It's never equivalent exchange.”
“In his eyes it was a career for a career.”  She said and waited until he looked her in the eye.  “If it was about his alchemy he could have found another way to demonstrate it's ability, but this was about revenge and the satisfaction of inflicting damage on you for taking away his work and his chance to be powerful.   You saved patients and you saved countless others from this horrible weapon that never needed to be in the hands of anyone.”
He stood there and stared into her eyes and saw the unwavering look of pride in them. She was always so proud of him, even when she was the first person he always failed by doing what he thought was right.   Her words though, seemed like they resonated some other meaning that only happened to apply to this situation.   He would wait to ask her about that later, for now they had to get back to the office and he had to hear the entire story before Hughes got here.  
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dentalrecordsmusic · 4 years
Text
Album Review: Origami Angel - “Somewhere City”
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Words by Ari Jindracek
I’m going to be clear: I didn’t find out about Origami Angel until after they were teasing their newest album with an online ARG I’m not bright enough to figure out. Once I did go check out the Somewhere City teaser material, though--sometime shortly after “Doctor Whomst” -- I was pre-hooked on the album. I’m a sucker for music with narratives, and if all those blog posts about aliens were indicative of anything, it was an intriguing narrative. I don’t think I got aliens while listening to Somewhere City necessarily, though. What I heard when I pushed play for the first time was grounded in several realities: in running away and missing people, watching cartoons and going to amusement parks, being bullied and left behind, and wanting to love and be loved. It feels somewhat larger than the two-piece that created it (Pat Doherty on drums and Ryland Heagy on pretty much everything else) in its universality. The city is everywhere, it seems.
The opening moments of Somewhere City, in “Welcome To…” are tranquil, woodsy--soft guitar, gently piercing vocals, and drums that feel somehow cinematic--until the quiet comes to a screeching halt, the metaphorical city limit. “You don’t have to do anything or be anyone, just follow the road / just come with me / you have to see / there’s something in the air out here” makes it eminently clear: this is going to be a concept album. If “this city never lets me down” isn’t about the artists’ hometown, it’s got to be the beginning of something more narrative. You don’t need to know about all the cryptic lead-up; you don’t need to solve Origami Angel’s puzzles. You just need to listen to the way the instrumentals vary between springy, rhythms to bounce on your toes to, and sweeping buildups like the swell of a wave, and think about how much fun it would be to scream the lyrics back to the band. “Welcome To…” stands for itself on its quality, but it can’t stand alone--obviously, obviously, there’s a lot more to follow. “24 Hr Drive-Thru,” the first single off the album, is the immediate follower to the intro sequence, and it has the pop-cultural references I have come to expect from Origami Angel after listening to them for a little bit, even if they’re on the vaguer side, just drive-thrus as a concept, Dr. Pepper filling free water cups, and the reference to a “mobile phone”, which slingshots me back into 2004 when people unironically used that language. “Kenilworth Avenue to 193” is more concrete--I don’t know what it references, really, but it’s very grounded. It’s a song to dance to more than a song to mosh to. The bouncy “Okay! Okay!” section in the middle is my favorite bit, just because the way the tightly-played guitars, the unrelenting drums, and the “bop bop bop” vocals balance each other out perfectly to create a sound of pure fun, which takes an easily-missed but incredibly-complicated guitar riff as an exit ramp. I didn’t have a lot of teenage experiences going out for fast food with friends on summer nights between years of high school, but this song sounds like something that should be playing if I did. The opening of “666 Flags” breakneck-speeds into a song that is both about roller coasters and sounds like a roller coaster. The lyrics almost blur together at some points and climb at others; there is a brief pause when what actually sounds like the wheels of a roller coaster car plays to cap off the metaphor. “It’s a long way from here to where I wanna be” feels like a disembarking from the ride, and here my theme park metaphor breaks down until the very end, when the guitars and drums shred themselves to pieces, replicating the feeling of terror I get when I even look at a steep, two-hundred-foot drop (I am not a roller coaster person). The softer middle section is stunning not as much for the way it catapults you around hairpin turns and into the stratosphere, but for the lyrics and sentiments of hope for the future, which is a theme I can always get behind. “All these microscopic moments make me feel like I’m not helpless / I’m okay” is stunning because it is painfully, ecstatically real. Listeners take that reality into the fantastical final stretch of their wild ride.
The second single, Tumblr-ishly named “Doctor Whomst”, goes on a brief nostalgia tour of pop culture, as the title reference implies, but also on a joyous rooftop-screaming self-esteem bender. I like the juxtaposition of “just how I used to feel / watching Danny Phantom, eating Happy Meals” with “I think I’m starting to like myself.” It puts the youthful innocence and hard-won adult self-love back to back--the same feeling, several long years apart, facing down the interval between. I can relate to the sentiment, while I jam to the blur of drums, the heavy bass, and the bridge’s intriguing whispery backing “vocals” that sound exactly like the noises I make at my cat to get her to look at me. The sample from some movie that I don’t know off the top of my head crawls into the slow introductory verse of “Say Less,” which is just as relatable: “maybe I would be just fine if I could just change everything that’s wrong with me / but it’s not that easy” could be something I said to my therapist. The realization of how hard change can be rockets the listener out of softness into thick bass and thundering, monolithic guitar hits. “Say Less” feels more like a part of the world you’re escaping from when you run away to Somewhere City, not a part of the world that has, so far, been portrayed as, essentially, a birthday party bouncy castle full of fond childhood memories that you can catapult around at will. This song, though, is about being insulted and getting into fights. If that’s what happens in Somewhere City, like it happens in every elementary school, where’s the escapism? Ironically, “Escape Rope” doesn’t get you there, although it’s definitely a getaway for some other, unnamed “you.” The narrator begs someone--a friend heading out of the house, or someone more desperately needed--to stay. The quick, bright guitar feels like a computer error, a glitch in how things are “supposed to be.” As the speaker pleads--“tell me all the things I already know” feels particularly desperate in its tone--you can tell that it’s having no effect. The friend is still leaving, for their parent’s house or college or another city or just anywhere else. It’s not the desired narrative, but it is still the narrative.
The cheekily named “The Title Track” provides the actual escape, the travel brochure to Somewhere City. As a bassist, I am amazed as to how the bass, drums, and guitar can go off so machine-gun fast that there are moments I can hardly parse as anything but a wall of sound. “The secret is it’s in your brain” is stunning in that it actually stunned me the first time it came up. As I type this, I’m still reeling from that a little bit. The image of “how the sun hits the water at six in the morning on every single day” is beautiful too, and it makes me want to see it, but I think, of all the lyrics I could pull meaning out of in the album so far, the concept of the ultimate escape, somewhere where I couldn’t be found but where I wouldn’t be alone or hiding, being within me is true in a way that somehow confuses me. “You won’t be the same” is right! The song as a whole packs quite a bit of musical odyssey into two and a half minutes.
“Skeleton Key” starts off soft, migrating from a blanket of soft, fuzzy guitar, to a heavier, harder wash of sound, to the boppy dance sound I’m coming to expect from Origami Angel. This song is less city-related and more a loving reply to the person from “Escape Rope,” a postcard-back wish-you-were-here song about missing someone beloved. It’s not wish you were here, though, it’s “I wanna be there with you.” The throat-rending desperation of the last “I hope you know” is indicative of how much love lies in the song. Short of being there, though, the speaker can only send their love. “Find Your Throne” is a distortion-charged song filled with a similar love, an awe of someone else, positioned as a genius, “the goddamn king of the universe.” It’s not self-love but love of others. It fits neatly into the escapist narrative, with the idea of a trip to somewhere, the “throne,” where the person will be among others, loved, recognized for their awe-inspiring contributions to the world. This person is absent, missed, however; they are not in the city, and they want the speaker to return. The lyrics sound like an exchange of letters, catching up. I am also struck by the impact that the simple “I love you”s have--I feel as though music usually takes a roundabout way of displaying love rather than just saying it outright. Sometimes, in the world of “show don’t tell,” telling is more effective. 
“The Air Up Here”, a final letter, wraps up the narrative with “I’m never gonna come back home”--the escape, started from the first moment city limits were crossed, is complete. Somewhere City is the narrator’s home now; the world they left is gone. The song reprises “Welcome To…,” “Skeleton Key,” and a mash of others I can hardly pry apart due to the tangled mass of drum, guitar, and vocals. It is the full experience of the city rolled into one tight ball, ending with a huge, choral “this city never lets me down.” Why go back to somewhere that does? I’ll admit, having seen narratives like this in the media before--and heard them from relatives who didn’t like me moving far away--I kind of expected the ending to the album to be an encouragement to return home. But Somewhere City has become home, at this point. As the album loops back around, perfectly, to the first song, and I start listening again, I think I can get behind the message, not just because I can relate to the whole “moving to a new city I love” thing, but because Somewhere City isn’t a place as much as a state of mind. 
I chopped this review up into a review of each song, but, obviously, the album should be listened to as a complete whole with no breaks. There’s a lot that I missed going song by song to make sure I could wring every drop of meaning out; the transitions between songs are flawless and the way the album paces out the slow and fast sections of songs. It was pieced together masterfully. Somewhere City is much bigger than the sum of its parts, and all of those parts individually are huge. I obviously play favorites--I’m a sucker for reprises and big meaning--but I’d be proud if I’d written even one of these songs. The album stands as a beautiful colossus, glittering in the sun, a paean of love for self and others, and a place you can go to find it, inside or outside of your head.
Listen to Somewhere City on Bandcamp here.
Ari Jindracek is looking up apartment prices in Somewhere City right now. If you find any good listings, you can find Ari on Twitter.
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First thoughts on BTS’ “Love yourself: answer”, pt. 1
Side Note: I might edit this post multiple times, but for now excuse any grammatical/spelling mistakes. English is not my first language.
This part is almost entirely dedicated to Jin’s ‘Epiphany’ and how it reshaped my expectations for the album and challenged me to think. In this part I am sharing my doubts, conclusions and reasoning regarding the meaning behind Epiphany, and I give a slight introduction to the album.
In the next part, I’ll talk about ‘Trivia’ songs in the album, probably something you already thought about, but I try to extrapolate it to the boys themselves and their lives and relationship, not with each other because there is no way for me to know about that, but with their fans.  I’ll mention other songs, specifically ‘IDOL’, ‘Answer: Love Myself’, and ‘Truth untold’ from the previous release, but I won’t go over them on full detail, that is the scope of a future analysis, perhaps a third part, maybe.
This is all my personal interpretation so don’t come at me or take it as fact.
If you’re interested, click bellow.
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*******WARNING******:
(because apparently only posts named ‘non-popular kpop opinions’ need no warnings, though even that is up for debate) 
All things I included here are part of my opinion, and I’m not trying to get people to agree. As the tittle says, this post is composed by my first conclusions. I haven’t spent time reading around, and as such, I’m completely oblivious to other people’s interpretation that might be more descriptive and have more insight on the topic. Please be aware of this before continuing.
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Important note: In this post I repeatedly use a metaphor, referring to a scale in staccato played in a piano. Staccato is when the note you play with your instrument is shortened, and the next one is only played after a very short pause, giving a feeling of detachment between the notes, as opposed to a scale played normally. My knowledge of this is a bit limited, so I apologize in advance if I misuse this term.
It is no surprise that half the people I follow on twitter have gone mad. BTS literally dropped a teaser for their title track, ‘IDOL’, and dropped the new album only two days after. Most ARMYs are having a hard time to recover (did I forget to mention the MV they happened to bless/attack us with?), while others, like me, are taking time to slowly but surely go through the new tracks, thinking about them and trying to begin the closure of the whole ‘Love Yourself’ series, which is finally coming to an end.
I’ve been a fan of BTS for a very short time in comparison to other fans, but I’ve tried my best to educate myself, learn about the boys, and most importantly, learn about their music, which is the one thing that made me stan them. I’ve been excited about their comeback (even though for me it seemed a bit rushed, not for the lack of time though), and I must say, my expectations for their new tracks were high. It’s not that I want to pressure the boys, it’s just that I wanted the last part of ‘Love Yourself’ to shine, bringing out the message that RM they have talked about repeatedly in beautiful and fitting lyrics, visuals, choreography, over-all atmosphere, much like other songs that were promoted in their respective era, Butterfly, RUN, Baepsae, Spring Day, and so on. I expected even more from songs that included the rap line, specially Suga, who’s seemed more tired as the year went on. I think I wanted the explosion of emotions as conclusion, the different albums to come together into a story, all the pieces to suddenly click together and shock the audience, making you realize this is exactly where it was heading and why things (the different songs) lead to this conclusion. I thought everything would form a scale, the slow slide of fingers on keys to create a smooth sound.
After watching, listening, analyzing and discussing Jin’s ‘Epiphany’, I came to realize that this album wouldn’t be what I expected it to be.
(Before assuming the worst of my words, please keep reading)
On Jin’s Epiphany
Let me clarify: I love the MV. I love the cinematography and the visuals (and oh my gosh the rain- It was beautiful), everything within in is nothing short of beautiful. Jin’s vocals are majestic in my opinion, and his voice suits the lyrics so incredibly well (just like Jimin’s was a perfect fit for Serendipity, Jungkook’s for Euphoria, Taehyung’s for Singularity), and to this day I still feel shivers when he sings ‘I’m the one I should love’. I also think that the song reflects maturity, self-awareness, coming to understand one’s reality takes a lot of thinking and growing up, a lot of determination, and if anything, of all the things I’ve read and learned about the boys, Jin seems to be the most grounded, calm and mature, and fits the song the best. I don’t think the younger ones (JM-TH-JK) would have been able to sing Epiphany in the same way, not because they haven’t grown, but because Jin gives the feel of experience, being older being an advantage. The maknae line would have taken a more serious transformation to reach that place, and a the series wouldn’t last enough for that. In my opinion, Jin brings into the equation that layer of 'understanding’ that makes you relate with the song: if the singer relates, the audience also does.
But I expected something different.
The lyrics are what threw me off a little. In my head, the approach would be subtle, much like the series has been for the most part, progressively building meaning within the song until, finally, the message unwraps in such a way that it would leave people breathless. I remember having felt that with other songs, even in the series, The Truth Untold is a good example (wasn’t that a journey for all), ...
It hadn’t crossed my mind the it would be so anticlimactic and direct, as evidenced in the blunt lyrics of the chorus, ‘I’m the one I should love in this world’ and ‘I finally realized now, so I love me’. I didn’t see it coming, that the series would come together as a scale in staccato instead of a smooth slide over the keys. 
I’ve spent a lot, and I mean, a whole lot of time time thinking about Epiphany before the LY:A came out, thinking about the many questions I want to make to them, their produces and writers and BigHit, and trying to provide possible answers myself. Asking a few of my friends, specially those who have been through hard emotional situations and had taken time off to heal, and others who never had, I came to a few conclusions:
1.-)  The most skeptical opinion I found was one I couldn’t completely refute. Since BTS has gained an overflowing amount of international fans over the years, and by statistics they have one of the largest demographics of fans. Many, and I mean many of them are young, including myself, though the younger, the more ‘immature‘, the harder it is to think because a person’s mind and personality is not entirely developed. Such is the case with teens and younger adults, myself included. A friend suggested that younger fans might find it easier to relate if the lyrics were presented in a way that everyone would understand, and concluded that this is why they didn’t use references to folklore/legends/etc. Quoting what he said, “I think they intend to be straight-forward to make the meaning of the song clear to anyone listening“. Now, I can’t deny that there’s absolutely no way to misunderstand the lyrics, the final message is crystal clear (Jin says it himself), which was not the case with The truth untold, Singularity, even Fake Love. They wanted to make the message come across immediately. So in a way, I can see where he’s coming from, but at the same time my brain didn’t want to accept that as explanation, that “I love myself, that’s it” didn’t feel like enough. It felt flat to be just that, and if there’s anything I’ve learned being a BTS fan, is that most times the songs are anything but flat. I couldn't find sense in it, so I investigated a bit and consulted more people.
2.-) The song is co-written by Jin. My online friend, who’s hobby is to compose and produce music, had said that I shouldn’t hold the same standards for members that haven’t written as many songs, and I came to understand that I was trying to put the lyrics into the same mold as others by different authors, one written by Suga, J-hope, RM, anyone else. I was blinded by previous experiences, I shouldn’t compare before completely understanding the song. As soon as I came to the realization, I listened several times, once again, in hopes to find more meaning.
3.-) Thankfully, the suggestion from above helped me clear my head, even if just a bit, to understand that perhaps this song is supposed to be this way. Talking to a few of my friends, I found a phrase that called my attention. My friend, who I met at university, had been through an emotional breakdown years ago due to an unstable and abusive childhood environment, and had to resort to several sessions with different therapists. She said it affected her everyday life and brought her into severe depression. When I interviewed her, she simply smiled and said ‘Actually, I understood that I needed to look after myself one day, watching cartoons‘.
It was such a simple, unrelated setting, and it finally dawned on me that the song Epiphany was made to portray exactly that, a realization that comes suddenly, possibly out of nowhere but a bit overdue, something that may change the perspective of a person drastically. Jin is straight-forward in the lyrics because he’s come to realize that something needed to change and was telling himself that. My friend said there was a period of time after her epiphany that brought reflection, occasional regression and denial before finally accepting the reality, and the lyrics seem to show slight traces of that:
Regression (though only in memories): 
So weird
I for sure loved you so much
I wanted to give you everything
I wanted to live my life for you
Reflection:
But as I keep doing that
I just couldn’t bear the storm inside my heart
I can’t see denial in the song, in the lyrics at least; perhaps he is already over that phase. I think denial was mostly evidenced by the end of ‘Love Yourself: Tear’, so they may have opted not to take that route again. The MV shows reluctance, though, since he keeps walking and repeating his actions until he finally comes back to take the diary with him (though it could also be that he’s remembering such times), an evidence that he’s ready to continue with the process. The will to accept oneself, that is clear in the lyrics, in the chorus and last part of the verse, and there’s the determination to change as well.
Acceptance (will to accept oneself)/Determination or desire to change:
I’ll reveal the real me behind the smiling mask
I’m the one I should love in this world
The shining me, my previous self 
I only now realize so I love me
There’s also a great importance in realizing what exactly one must do to attack the problem at hand. In Jin’s case, he understood that he’s not tied to other’s people opinion, he doesn’t need to meet other people’s standards nor change for them. Now, these are the lyrics that confuse and trouble me the most:
Conclusion/Moving on:
Though I’m not perfect, I’m beautiful              (a)
I’m the one I should love                                (b)
Initially, for me, it felt too soon to say (a). As a person that has been through a certain level of depression, I think reaching (a) phase takes a great deal of time and patience, and my friend whole-fully agrees. Not so much realizing you are perfect the way you are, but accepting it, as it seems Jin did. It feels too soon, so by this point I understood that this phrase is what threw me off most. I had assumed that Jin was in the middle of the process of ‘realization- regression-reflection-conclusion’, but could it be he was already over that process, well on his way into the phase of ‘change’, a new era for himself? Certainly, I don’t know how long it has been since Jin started to reflect, since it has been hypothesized that he is able to travel through time (inside the universe the whole story-line takes place in, I mean), but I’m not going to go into that, rather, I’ll try to keep analyzing it as it happened in the ‘real world’ (not counting the rain and Jin’s doubles in the MV, of course. I take that as highly metaphoric and I’ve chosen not to delve into that in this post).
Still, it felt like a great jump in comparison to the previous releases. There was not such a distinct pause or ‘detachment’ of notes between Euphoria and Serendipity and the songs surrounding them. The staccato became more noticeable when LY: Tear came around, but by Outro: Her before Singularity you could evidence contrariety, confusion, so it wasn’t as much as a shock. With the new tracks in LY: Answer, you can feel that the fingers playing the piano have pressed harder than intended, pressing longer on the next keys, and so the note becomes longer than the previous ones, it turns out different. Much like that, this album, at this point (only taking into account Epiphany) gave a different vibe. In our metaphoric piano, the melody has changed entirely.
Thinking about (a) and (b) and the lyrics before them for a while and trying to make sense of the sudden change between the ‘notes’, I started to see that perhaps this could mean that Jin doesn’t actually believe that yet, but that he wants to believe that and accept that. He says it as a way to convince himself, in other words:
(I can see now that) Though I’m not perfect, (I think) I’m beautiful            
(So) I’m the one I should love                                
If one interprets the song as Jin trying to convince himself, trying to get better, then the jump doesn’t feel as extreme, since we initially thought he was way ahead. The song wouldn’t be Jin saying ‘I love me’, but rather ‘I need to love me’, or ‘I’m working on loving me’, which I think feels less forced or rushed. It means that Jin has just finished the process we were talking about, he’s just begun to move on. I think that is what Epiphany is about, the beginning of the healing process.
I don’t think it makes the notes being played feel joined or that the scale is fixed with that. I think it just makes it seem less different of a sound, but this new perspective certainly helps smooth the doubts surrounding it. It helps me try to see Epiphany as it was thought it was supposed to be seen, as the bridge that connects Tear with Answer. It doesn’t completely ease the jump though, but it’s a start.
The new meaning I found put me at an unease peace, would ease my mind until the album came out. Epiphany changed my perspective on the album, made me understand that first and foremost, I needed to be open-minded and think outside the box. BTS is great in the way they manage with some of their songs to reach depths that you didn’t think were possible. I’m proud of Jin for this song, I think no one but him would be able to pull it off.
I thought I would be ready, for the album.
Only to see that, in fact, my insight on the matter was too limited to truly reach a conclusion.
(To be continued in part 2)
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