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caffiine · 3 years

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A BRIEF PAUSE

From my regularly scheduled content. I’ve got some shit to say, y’all (forewarning for spicy language and spoilers)

I thought about making this post on my fandom subblog but this show and this relationship have been TOO important to me for the past 8 years to not give it its proper place in my life. strap in bc im not sure how long this mf is about to be.

When i started this DUMB show at age 19 tortured soul “empath” dark academia me thought sam winchester was going to be my favourite character. and don’t @ me, i love sam now in his own right (and we deserve some SAILEEN PEOPLE). but after literally less than 5 episodes i KNEW dean’s character and his arc were going to be amazing and beautiful and he immediately became my favourite brother. The nuances of his character i.e. his shell vs his true self were so evident to me even in the first couple seasons. in my humble opinion, he had the most growth of the two brothers.

They all deserve to be happy, but for whatever FUCKING reason dean has the HARDEST TIME OF ANYONE being happy in this show. I know it’s his character. I know it was written that way. But FFS. I kept wondering when they were going to wrap up his emotional arc and stop torturing the poor dude.

then in season 4 they introduced castiel and 1) I thought the new concept of angels as assholes was super cool and 2) I hardcore SIMPED over misha collins (still do). I watched benignly as cas and dean began to form this relationship that seemed pretty special. I started watching the show when it was in its eighth season and I binged the shit out of it for two weeks until I was caught up. By the time I was caught up I was CERTAIN there were some feelings between them and I LOVED it. I am bisexual and I was ECSTATIC for a potential queer relationship between two masculine-portrayed dudes. I went on tumblr to express my newfound theory, only to find out that this was a real THING. “Destiel” was already an idea that had absolutely and intensely BLOSSOMED in the fandom for several seasons already. So many others saw what I saw and saw the potential of emotionally tortured/constipated “daddy’s blunt instrument” dean and the unfeeling daddy’s boy cas “crack in his chassis” Winchester being allowed to be happy together. I felt validated and hopeful. For a while.

Then it was season after season of hopefulness for them to be finally happy with each other while still fighting the ills of their world with sam and the other new members of their family that were added along the way, only to constantly have that hope seemingly teased away at the end every single time. By season 11 and the introduction of amara (not bashing, eventually loved her character and her development too) I gave up. I lost hope. I stopped watching the show. I didn’t want to keep watching my two favourite characters continuously abused by the story they were thrown into.

I know not everyone likes destiel, not everyone thought it was real. That’s chill, idc. Stories are so often meant to be (and sometimes inadvertently) left up to interpretation by the person experiencing and consuming them. It’s what’s so amazing about books and shows and movies that are able to make us feel so intensely about them and their characters. And I felt SO strongly about dean and cas. It was honestly really upsetting to me, the way the show was going with their relationship.

A while later season 13 had been going on and I started seeing some things pop up on my dash. Hopeful things. I did a bit of research and accidentally saw THE SCENE from season 12 and I couldn’t help myself. I restarted it. I watched the whole thing from the beginning again AND introduced it to my boyfriend I think partially as a way to ensure I wasn’t imagining shit (it took him awhile and a lot of me internally screaming during many scenes but by season 9 he was like “uh are they in gay love”). Fast forward to me finally catching up as season 14 was starting. I was still hopeful, somehow. And it happened AGAIN. Season 14 and the beginnings of 15 made me so sad. I HATED what they did with their relationship. I HATED the way it ended. I HATED the way dean treated cas and everyone around him. It felt like the show was taking his whole character arc back to day 1. I didn’t understand. I kept watching for a couple episodes after the big argument and cas left but the luster was gone and eventually I just stopped.

I love this show. It has meant so much to me as a story. So many of the characters are/were very dear to me. I know it’s a running joke with this show about character deaths and homophobia but the strength of the bond I felt was between cas and dean gave me a lot of hope. But it wasn’t enough. I felt betrayed one too many times. And for those of you who kept watching, for whatever reason, I don’t hold it against you. It’s still a beautiful and interesting story without cas and dean’s relationship. But I just personally couldn’t do it anymore.

I hadn’t planned on watching the rest of season 15 when it came back after pandemic hiatus, at least not for awhile. So imagine my FUCKING surprise when I was doom scrolling through twitter during election week on Thursday and I see supernatural trending right along with election shit.

What.

I couldn’t stop myself, I looked and literally SCREAMED and made my boyfriend spill his wine all over our couch. I didn’t know exactly what happened as I hadn’t seen the episode but APPARENTLY all my emotions and feelings had been at least partially vindicated. So I BOUGHT season 15 so I could finish watching where I had left off. I watched 8 episodes in less than 24hrs (don’t judge me there’s a quarantine) and I LIKED them. And it might’ve been bc I knew what was about to happen in 15 x18 but I really felt like the show was getting STRONGER as it neared its finish.

I was so excited for 15x19. I read so many posts from fellow fans, destiel and antis alike. There really weren’t a lot of bad emotions running around. Everyone seemed hopeful and excited like me.

I probably don’t need to go over 15x19 emotions but im going to anyway. I was disappointed. I was confused. I was angry. we are in season 15. The last season ever for this show that has had a HUGE following of fans who have loved it, sometimes unconditionally, sometimes even though it wasn’t the best (and sometimes less than good). A season and show that had just announced YES. CAS LOVES DEAN. ITS REAL. And I shouldn’t have to go over the nuances of why we would expect more after this, with two episodes to go before the show is done forever.

But I will bc im mad af.

Like I said in the beginning. Dean’s character arc has been incredible. His emotional growth – as subtle as it might’ve seemed – has been amazing. And dean has always been an emotional, loving person. he just felt like he wasn’t because the world made him feel that way. And that’s sad, y’all. Dean deserves to realize he DESERVES happiness. And in 15x18, we were finally heading basically directly there. With destiel, yes, but even if you’re anti, what cas said to dean about who he is and why he loves him obviously struck a fucking chord with dean. It obviously changed the way he viewed himself (RE: “that’s not who I am, that’s not who we are”).

But for WHATEVER reason that’s ALL we got in 15x19. One fucking SENTENCE about dean realizing maybe he’s not just built to kill people. And then jack leaves without a single mention of Eileen or cas or Charlie or literally anyone they ever cared about and dean rode off into the sunset alone with his brother while we watched a fucking FIVE MINUTE MONTAGE that made me want to hurl my own body into the sun they were driving toward. And cas is STILL DEAD.

BUT THERE’S STILL ONE EPISODE LEFT AND FUCK ME IF I HAVENT BEEN PAINTING ON MY CLOWN MAKEUP ALL WEEK. SO WHAT DO I WANT????

ONE: DEAN DESERVES HAPPINESS. REAL HAPPINESS. What the FUCK supernatural??? Wasn’t this the whole point of his arc??? And don’t get me wrong I REALLY want that happiness to come from Cas and a real spoken relationship of some sort between them bc it also ties in with my second point but tbh just PLEASE let dean be happy. Dean is a loving person and does everything for love as we JUST FOUND OUT. Dean would NOT be happy with everyone he’s ever loved gone for the rest of his life. I just don’t believe that’s fucking true. h elp him pls.

TWO: CAS DESERVES HAPPINESS. I know we got this whole speech about “happiness isn’t in the having it’s simply in being” but like. Really. Castiel was supposed to be a throwaway character no one was supposed to care about. But we all cared SO MUCH that he lasted 11 SEASONS longer than intended and became a main character and an integral part of the story. Cas has arguably sacrificed more than anyone on this show. His last act was to sacrifice his life to save the man he loved. He knew where he was going. He knew he was finally going to be able to tell dean he loved him and then immediately be taken by the empty where we know now thanks to season 15 that everyone in there just gets to dream forever about their regrets and sadness. HOW IS THAT FAIR. HOW IS THAT A GOOD ENDING FOR CAS. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE – CHARACTERS AND FANS ALIKE –TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. Its messed up, supernatural. Y’all KNOW it is and I hope to HIGH HEAVENS this is going to be corrected in 15x20.

THREE: give sam Eileen back.

Well that’s all I’ve got in me, folks. I’m absolutely and intensely dreading Thursday. Im scared and nervous and obviously still angry that this is absolutely going to be the opposite of what they promised – another “game of thrones” ending. Some of y’all are giving me hope with your posts about maybe they’re trying to keep the ending a surprise and maybe cas is coming back and how can they not and why else would they have done the second to last episode like that and I hope yall are right.

Either way, im glad I am not alone with my feelings. Thanks yall for the experience of this fandom and show. Let’s stick together on Thursday, no matter our differences.

PS stop calling jensen ackles a homophobe or ill hex you.

#supernatural #destiel #deancas #oh and #saileen #just to make sure theyre not forgotten #dean winchester #castiel #Misha Collins #jensen ackles #15x18 #15x20 #15x19 #i fucking guess #dean x castiel #casdean #castiel x dean #supernatural season 15

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lhassinu · 7 years

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I got tagged by @brewka like eons ago and for once this is not a meme that just got buried in my likes but i..i honestly had such a hard time choosing?? and im still not completely happy with it but oh well it was so interesting to think about it and so much fun to do tho! thank you very much for taggin me!!!! <333

Me in 3 characters:

Todd Chavez (Bojack Horseman) aka of fuckin course

Miyako Inoue (Digimon Adventure 02) aka ‘are you still relating to frikin digimon from your childhood?!’ no! ..maybe.. ......yes....... yes i am.

Yvan (L’Art) aka the one for which holioc severs all ties with me because she shares one of the masterpieces of the French drama with me and i make it into a meme.......................... imsorry pls dont leave me

some explanation and honorable mentions under the cut cuz this is just ShameTM but before that i tag @ghostspies @holioc @imaginesharks @mouthface @serpuns-a-lot @trinuska @nomadicplanets @vanishshi @velvetbaguette @aseriesofgayevents and anyone who wants to! (((im sorry for tagging so many people you dont have to read/like my shitty post i just really love this meme and wanna see what people do with it! and make it more or less fandomy thrash as you feel it!!! you dont have to do it if ya dont want to obviously!)))

okay so lets get this trainwreck rolling! everyone managed to explain it in few lines, not me, i just want to share personal info with strangers on the internet! :D

>>>Todd oh my god Todd, this goofball was the first one i came up with and the only one who actually stayed there until the end. i didnt relate to him THAT much in the first two seasons, i mean i did but im Very against drugs so i didnt really think about it but the 3rd one oh myyy it all just clicked...

ok so almost the same age and obviously the childish side, that goes without sayin -_-

i try my best to be upbeat and excited (i have way too much love in my heart and i just cant contain it like a frikin 5 year old gddamnt)

pretty friendly too? and tryin to avoid conflict so much im unable to decide anything

WELL MEANING but fuckin up in the end ah ha ha.. yea..

lazy slacker too (though not yet to the point of living on a stranger’s couch for 5+ years welp we never know what future brings right) and im more than able to fuck up all my progress just cuz i got addicted to tumblr a videogame haha another thing that totally didnt happen to me right

and!!! the asexual part!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’ve binge watched the last two BH seasons and i planned to do the same for the 3rd one.. and then todd acted like he did and it was just hitting so close to home (lmao bonus points for sad irl stuff happening that got me waaaay more sensitive to ace stuff n generally realizing im ace) and i just Related so much but at the same time?? why would he be actually ace lol kao dont be stupid they would either play it off for laughs or just forget to deal with it.. I literally had to stop watching for a few weeks because i was just so sure he wont be ace but i didnt want to be heartbroken by one of my fav shows. AND THEN THEY DIDNT FORGET AND PUT THAT BEAUTIFUL DIALOGUE IN THE *FINALE* ALL RESPECTFUL AND NOT AT ALL JUST A JOKE just.. validation ;u;

>>>welp that got emo although i tried not to, lets focus on not spilling every detail about my personal life in the next one~ Miyako!

she is so!!!! Excite!!!!! :D and always ready to cheer up her friends (tho she cant actually deal with anything worse than “im feeling a little unmotivated today :c”)

she cant hide her emotions AT ALL!! and so expressive!! is she sad? you bet your ass she will complain! but also she is always okay with the others doing the same although she is pretty jealous of people who CAN pretend everything is okay (at this point i could start using the ‘I’ pronoun instead of she/her lmao)

all these random english catchphrases lmaooo i’ve managed to chill now but i still use some french/english ones in the irl talk you can pry ‘bref’ from my dead cold hands

not the Worst Fashion Disaster but close.. especially when left to her own devices in the digital world................. oh and glasses!

when stressed she tends to overreact and do the opposite of what she should be doing

her ideal future was eating lotta cake, if this isnt relatable! (okay there was some deeper meaning but shoosh)

crushes...on everyone.... so easily..... also Painfully obvious :’’’D

my digisona is also this Intense girl with a serious digimon keeping her outta trouble

>>> and Yvan! again im so sorry to every French person (see? i used a capital F that shows i mean it!) reading this cuz im probably just horribly disrespecting everything about this play...

but just the way he introduced himself i was like “if this isnt me” from the start! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

stressed desperately lookin for somethin he JUST HAD A SECOND AGO and “je suis un garçon.....uhmmmmmmm...sympatique?”

Conclusion: Yvan is relatable

tbh i feel v much like 80% his lines (”Si cela lui fait plaisiiiiiiiir” or “Calme-toi est la pire chose que tu puisses dire à quelqu’un qui a perdu son calme” hONESTLY)

and his self esteem and the way he talks about himself :’)

trying his best to stay neutral and help calm both sides, failing miserably

white lies are good for your health (spoilers: they are not and we never learn)

generally has no idea how to deal with bullshit (press A to run away press B to try more useless talking)

pls dont leave the decision on me pls i dont want to have an Opinion

he forgives every bad treatment in a span of going down the stairs

im worried ill relate to his professional situation :’D

oh and hypochondriac

OversharesTM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cries all the time which is abnormal for a boy of his age

Honorable mention goes to!!! some more digimons because apparently i mostly relate to stuff im currently being hyped about

Emil Nekola (YOI) because of his ~~Czech~~ nationality, fondness of hugs, positive friendly attitude and the fact that this boy has not a single clue whats going on my dude he has not a slightest idea my guy he is just confused 24/7 (and doesnt understand there is drama going on or drama in general)

Joe (Digimon Tri) lmao i wish, he is more like goals tbh but still, that dialogue with Mimi hit waaaaayyyy too close to home for comfort...

Gazimon (Digimon) because i, too, am a lazy furry who is hecka supportive of her friends and just wants to spend all her time sunbathing/ fucking on computer/eating

i had some more but i didnt write them down and forgot..

#about me #k #THIS IS EMBARRASSING SO EMBARRASSING AAAAA #i yell as i post it on the world wide web and tag several important friends of mine in it...#andmycrushcoughcough good impression? who needs that when you can make a fool of yourself 24/7 #but this is such a good meme i wanted to tag even more people but then everybody would know my Shame #so like dont have to read this but if you want to do this meme? :3c

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billpott-s · 6 years

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thoughts on the xmas special - DOCTOR WHO SPOILERS

before I read everyone else’s reactions I just want to get my “untainted” reaction down

first of all the MUSIC, goddamn every time they played the bad wolf/rose theme I was about to DIE (especially because I’ve just been rewatching s1/2 so) oh my god, how perfect and emotional though especially because I think I read somewhere that murray gold is also leaving which ????? how do they expect me to cope

not sure how I feel about the whole bill not being bill but still being bill thing? I mean, I accept it and it still was emotional but… still no closure for bill. also it doesn’t make sense but what else do I expect from a Moffat finale lol (like she would have to be dead to be in the system thing buuuuut she remembers heather rescuing her soooo her restoration isn’t from that death? idk (edit: just realised that im not confused by this any more because she doesn’t age because she’s made of water. obviously. so she could have died after living a long life and still look 20 something ok im good now lets move on)

although idk how this death technology thing really is supposed to work within this universe lol because how many characters have died and come back to life… like just take rory for one example. but it was cool plus the reference to new earth and the year 5 billion was pretty cool since I just rewatched new earth

but obviously I loved seeing her again and it is in a way, her, emotionally and I love her so much and she should have had so much more TIME

bill and the 9th doctor live together in my “I’m emotional about these characters not having more time on the show” headspace

speaking of which CLARA oh my god. I was sort of expecting it but then I forgot that I was expecting it and I was SHOOK ok, and I guess that means she does die in the end after her one second of eternity (I need to rewatch s9) which is ok I guess

but idk does it sort of ruin the emotional impact of hell bent now that the doctor does remember her? like didn’t they have the whole forgetting thing for a reason.. or is it ok because he’s not 12 anymore so they won’t have the hybrid but then again, the doctor would still love clara just as much

idk my sort of unrealistic prediction would be that clara would show up just as a cameo/side character within the story (like I thought maybe as a nurse because ww1 setting (and the obvious play on doctor/nurse) ), and the doctor wouldn’t recognise her but she would say goodbye to him and it would be super emotional for the audience without taking away the impact of s9 idk I feel a little conflicted about it

obviously I should be writing for this show

and nardole! remember before series 10 I was so eeeehh about his character but I teared up honestly, I did not expect to see him again. guess he’s also confirmed dead

can’t really remember the ending of s10 but does that mean the cybermen just destroyed the whole ship. honestly that episode had such potential its criminal that it was left unwrapped like that

ok thoughts on stuff thats not my babies coming back

the opening with the 60s footage was SO COOL even though we’ve already seen it it’s just SO COOL

shout out to rachel talalay for being a directing GENIUS how do we deserve her… @chibnall if you do anything right you won’t let her go

I haven’t seen any first doctor because I’m a fake fan who’s only seen like… 15ish classic doctor who stories - so I didn’t really have that much emotional attachment to him apart from what he means as a symbol to the show, and ofc an adventure in space and time which I do adore

I enjoyed him, for the most part… I mean it was interesting to have the thematic parallel between them

I was worried about the whole “sexist jokes” we’d been hearing about before the episode and yeah they were kind of cringeworthy but also not as bad as I’d expected… could have been a lot worse but still totally unnecessary and unfunny in my opinion

at least Bill put him in his place what an icon

I liked that the episode was more character focused than plot… obviously it needed to be and the themes worked with the “plot” but I can’t help but be annoyed at plot holes

like if there was a giant database of every human ever in the year 5 billion then why does the doctor not know about it

hmmm

but a lot better than moffat’s other regeneration episode tbh like I never need to see the time of the doctor again in my entire life

the christmas armistice scene? I HAD CHILLS OH MY GOD it was so powerful and I had tears in my eyes

just beautiful and heartbreaking and touching. wow.

also shout out to mark gatiss for not being as terrible as I thought he would be because I was not excited to hear he would be a main in this episode but he played it really well

then for some reason out of alllll the threads of 12 and moffat era who the one they decided to bring back was rusty the dalek??? ok maybe not what I would have done

although in some way I guess if you remember that episode from three years ago and how it sort of foreshadowed the 12th doctor’s characterisation, “you would make a good dalek” and all that jazz it does fit thematically???

idk I thought… a weird choice but ok

low key wanted amy and rory to show up via the glass people of death (like not a realistic expectation at all since they never knew twelve but it is the end of the moffat era we’re celebrating here so maybe??? sadly not)

overall a beautiful farewell to the twelfth doctor. a perfect fit for a character based episode to end his story on this show. I’m going to miss him so much but he had a wonderful last episode that he deserved

probably the best regeneration story since parting of the ways? maybe even the best regeneration story from new who (i just have a very special emotional connection to 9) (and I haven’t seen any classic who regeneration stories please don’t hate me)

can’t believe its been four years since i was bawling my eyes out at matt smith’s regeneration. I did expect to cry a lot more but maybe I’m just better at my emotions now??? also even though I’ve probably come to love 12 more, 11 was my first doctor so there’s that

(wait til I rewatch doomsday though because the tears will be FLOODING. I’m up to army of ghosts/doomsday on my new who rewatch but wasn’t going to do that to myself today lol I don’t hate myself that much)

JODIE!

wait I forgot twelve’s last speech

IT WAS SO GOOD OMG

the bits from the other doctors… so beautiful

tbh I can’t really remember it because I am the worst but I’ll probably have more coherent thoughts when I rewatch this (WITH SUBTITLES) tomorrow

strong accents can ruin the emotional moments a little unfortunately

JODIE OMG

rachel talalay is a blessing ok THAT SCENE WAS FILMED SO WELL. the ring falling off her hand

their hand??? how do we refer to the doctor now idk i guess they both work

JODIE IS SO TINY IN PETER CAPALDI’S GIANT ASS COAT

i hope she is swamped in it for the whole first episode of s11 omg comedy gold

when she looks into the reflection and says “brilliant” IS THAT GONNA BE HER CATCHPHRASE

I feel like 10 said that a lot??? hmmm

I LOVE HER SO MUCH ALREADY SHE’S ONLY SAID ONE WORD

HOW CAN I WAIT UNTIL WHENEVER S11 STARTS

she FELL OUT of the TARDIS???? is she ok

commentary from my family - dad: why is the tardis rejecting her? brother: because she’s a woman now

IM SO EXCITED FOR SEASON 11 OK

overall? I really enjoyed it, I had a few quibbles (mostly my usual but that doesn’t make sense which maybe you have to leave aside when you’re watching this show), the character stuff was almost perfect and just, such a good story. will miss 12 greatly but out of all the new who doctors he’s probably had the most solid run from start to finish in terms of consistent quality and this was the perfect ending for him.

p.s. pls let chibnall be the type that likes nostalgic cameos because I don’t know if I can handle a clean cut between eras, this is my first time because I only started watching in 2012. but I’m so keen for season 11.

#doctor who #my posts #dw spoilers #twelve #bill potts #it's 10:20 pm now so I'm just going to be on the internet until midnight at least #at least i dont have school tomorrow like I did for all of s10 #shout out to my drunk neighbours for providing the backing soundtrack to my rambling thoughts #twice upon a time #godddd im emotional #im rewatching this tomorrow then rewatching army of ghosts/doomsday IM GOING TO BE A WRECK #Did I do the read more link right? ive never done this before lol #I thought I remembered typing a reaction to the doctor falls but I cant find it so I guess I never posted it #mine

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