#also i used to have really bad mood swings a few years ago and like i never realised how abusive it was until like much later and i hate

[sonicslushie]

Slipped My Mind ~ P.P.

Summary: You’re the person who designs Spiderman’s suits, but you never actually met the man- or boy- behind the mask. 

A/N: terrible summary & first fic, originally this was going to be based on the conan gray song “yours” but it took an odd turn in there so it's not lmao. But if you wanna read that let me know i’m dying to write more for petey boy. This is also like a little fluff thing that i threw together in a few hours so it’s not the best (my b) 

a playlist for u to listen to as u read<3

Pairing: Peter Parker x Stark Intern!Reader 

TW: kinda a clueless reader, mentions of blood and open wounds, 

Wordcount: 3.6k

Ice cream was all you wanted. It was your lunch break from Stark Industries, the place you interned at because of your impressive resume, and partly because your dad just so happened to be the owner of Tony Stark’s favorite burger place. You had been a pretty smart kid, finished highschool early and graduated MIT with a degree in engineering and all you wanted was to build supersuits. That was the dream, wasn’t it? Helping the world’s mightiest heroes by being the one who created their high tech suits and accessories, actually making a difference for those who saved billions of lives? Yeah, no. 

You started out three years ago as Ms. Potts' personal assistant at the ripe age of 16. You spent 2.5 years of that assisting just doing the basic intern stuff; grabbing coffee and burgers, attending meetings to take notes, scheduling and yatta yatta, the occasional fake laugh at a dad joke that Mr. Stark made. It wasn’t until you joined Ms. Potts in Mr. Stark’s lab to give him his burger, and you corrected his formulas on some project and you thought it was OVER. He looked surprised that you even spoke to him, oh fuck, you messed up. Or so you had thought. He actually told you that you were right?? Then, I swear to god, he asked what you would do to improve the project he was working on. (It was a super suit for the newest hero, Spiderman.) He liked your idea to add what you called the “training wheels” protocol. Mr. Stark decided to give you a chance and he had you help him create the rest of the suit, and now 6 months later, you were in charge of all things Spiderman. 

But that’s not the point of the story right now, right now, you wanted ice cream. 

And you had just bought two big scoops in a freshly made waffle cone. Honestly the best use of 5 bucks, or so you thought. Just as you were about to take the first lick, a red and blue streak sprinted past- no into you. It was like a movie, all you saw was your delicious creamy dessert flying up in the air in slow motion, then- SLAT! Both you and the ice cream were on the ground, a familiar looking super suit standing above you, stammering about how he was “so sorry” and “chasing a bad guy” in a very peppy voice. 

“You’re Spiderman, why weren’t you swinging from building to building?” You asked, furious you were now going to have to buy another one. You just wanted one thing, could you not just have it without dealing with this bozo? 

“Forgot to put in new web fluid. I’m sorry about your ice cream but I’ve really gotta- I don’t see him anymore. Shoot.” He says, shaking his head. “You know what, let me make this up to you. I’ll buy you another one.” 

Well that seemed fair and it slightly cooled off your now bad mood. You agree and wait in line with the dude who you create super suits for. The funny thing is, this was actually the first time you ever met the one and only Spiderman- or Spiderling as Mr. Stark calls him. You don’t even know who the person is under the mask, but at this point you really didn’t care about it, you just wanted your ice cream. 

After waiting in line for what felt like forever and making meaningless small talk with the masked hero, you make it to the front of the line. 

“Two scoops of strawberry, please. Waffle cone.” You smile at the worker, then turn to Spiderboy. You say at the same time as the employee, “5 bucks.” 

The Spiderdude pats his sides as if feeling for a wallet, then looks at you with that expressionless mask- god you had to work on that- and says, “I don't have my wallet.” 

You could almost smack him in the back of the head, but you just take your wallet out and give the worker a 5 dollar bill. Taking the new ice cream, you turn to the hero, “Well now you owe me two, Spidey.” 

“I-I’ll make it up to you, do you have Venmo?” He asks, panic rising in his voice. He sounded young, maybe around your age. If you were honest, he piqued your interest. So instead of rolling your eyes and walking away, you pulled your phone out. 

“Here,” you say, ready to just get back to the lab. He takes a picture of it and gives you a thumbs up. 

“I’ll have to make a new venmo so you can’t figure out my identity, but I gotta run.” He says, and literally runs off. You stand there, looking at the hero you basically manage but just met, then your ice cream. What a day, huh? You shrug it off and begin to eat your ice cream as you head back to the office. 

The ice cream had been off your mind ever since you finished the yummy dessert, and went back to designing your own web fluid. Sure the dude had his own way of making it (you weren’t really sure if it had been coming out of him or not until today, you never really had the chance to ask anyone), but you knew you could do it better. Everyone at Stark Industries called you ‘Junior’ for a reason, and it wasn’t just because of your crazy intelligence. It might have also been the slight egotistical self assurance and the stubbornness you possessed. 

As you worked you listened to music and snacked on the various foods you hid in the lab unbeknownst to Mr. Stark. Here and there you would test the web fluid with some of the new web shooter prototypes you had made, at this point you could swing around New York from how often you used these things. You often thought of it and giggled at the thought; ridiculous, these silly little dreams you possessed. 

You had been giggling about it to yourself when the one and only Mr. Stark walked in- with a kid who was talking so fast and in such a familiar peppy tone that you couldn’t help but look up. 

“-and then I looked up dodo birds and did you know they’re basically just big pigeons?” He finished, looking up at Mr. Stark with big brown doe eyes that sparkled in the light. Sparkle in the light? Oh come on, y/n. You caught yourself ogling at the new kid, still trying to figure out where you heard that voice before. Little miss genius might be able to create the highest tech super suits in the world, but boy oh boy did you have a hard time connecting dots. 

“Right, big pigeons. Anyway, Peter, this is y/n y/l/n. Junior, this is Peter Parker.” Mr. Stark says, looking at you as if you could take the excitable kid off of his hands. 

Now, Mr. Stark is a lot of things, and busy is one of them. This just so happens to affect his memory, and in this case, he completely forgot that he never introduced Spiderling- Peter Parker- to his favorite intern. It slipped his mind, I mean when you’re a billionaire CEO and a superhero, the little things tend to slip the mind. It’s not like he meant to never introduce you two, he really did mean to. But every time Peter’s been at the tower, Junior was always gone either for the weekend or for her lunch break. Plus, Mr. Stark had things to do. Like right now; get out of this boring conversation and get burgers from his favorite burger place with Happy. 

“Oh it’s nice to meet you, Peter.” You say, not knowing that you met Peter earlier that day as Spiderman. But Peter knew, and he also forgot that he had to venmo you for that ice cream from earlier. Caught off guard, his eyes just go wide and he awkwardly smiles and waves at you like an idiot. 

“Um okay. Anyway, Mr. Stark, I was about to head out, but I got the new web fluid made and finished up the new prototypes for web shooters. I also started up blueprints for a new suit. I forgot to mention I saw Spiderboy today and I gotta say, that suit does nothing for his ass.” You say, going back to the blueprints in front of you, making sure everything is perfect for tomorrow morning. Mr. Stark takes a peek over your shoulder, nodding in approval, then says, “Well I’ve got to hit the road, I’ve got… an important meeting to attend. Yeah. See ya tomorrow, Junior, same to you Pete.” 

You and Peter tell Mr. Stark bye in various fashions, being left in an awkward silence, neither of you really knowing how to proceed from there. Mr. Stark never told you that you would be meeting with Spiderdude to discuss your progress on the new ideas you had come up with but if he didn't show up before 5 you weren't staying, you'd didn't get paid enough. Peter wasn’t told he would be seeing the girl he literally ran into and owe her ice cream money. Seems like it just slipped Mr. Stark’s mind again. 

“So um, whatcha doing here Peter?” You say, begin to clean up your workstation to go home. Peter was just standing awkwardly behind you, trying to figure out what to say. He was also unaware that you didn’t know that he was Spiderman, he had figured Mr. Stark would have told you if you were the one working on his suits all this time. 

“Oh I was um- just leaving actually. Looks like you’re ready to go home, so I- Yeah I’m just gonna go.” He says quickly, turning on his heel to leave. At this point you were just ready to go home, so you shrug it off and say, “Nice meeting you, Peter. See ya.” 

He doesn’t say anything as he leaves. If he was being honest, he’s never been good at talking to pretty girls. Not to mention super awesome pretty intern girls who have been providing him his super awesome super suit. Probably too many “supers” but he didn’t care, he could barely even function in the same room as you. Not to mention he made a fool of himself earlier, but honestly you didn’t even seem to remember, which threw him off even more. And when you said “nice to meet you” it confused him, you two had met earlier that day. God, he had to get some fresh air. 

Peter made it outside and was cooling down from that super awkward and weird encounter, when he saw you pulling out of the car park in your car, singing along loudly to some Miley Cyrus song. He turns away, trying not to make it obvious that he was avoiding you. But you turned your head as you were looking for oncoming traffic, and you saw him. 

You don’t know why you did it, but you rolled your window down and yelled above the loud ass music, “Hey Peter! You waiting on a ride?” 

He was too caught off guard to lie, and to be fair he didn’t even like lying, so he shook his head and before he knew it, he was getting in your car. 

“Where are you heading?” You asked, turning the music down. He tries not to be as awkward as before as he says, “Queens, but it’s a far drive you really don’t have to-” 

“Oh I live there too! Don’t even worry about it,” you say, happy you could do something for the odd kid. He was a bit awkward, but in a cute sort of way. It almost made your stomach get butterflies at the thought of you of all people making him nervous. 

“Oh okay, thanks so much. I really appreciate it,” he says, then after a beat of intense silence with Miley wailing in the background, he decides to try and make conversation. “So how long have you been working for Mr. Stark?” 

“Since I was 16, so like 3 years. Most of it was being Ms. Potts’ assistant though,” you say, tapping your fingers to the beat. 

“Woah, wait so did you like graduate early?” He asks, now immensely intrigued. You give him the rundown of the past 6 years of your life, to which he’s very impressed and totally not thinking about how pretty you look in the dying sunlight. Totally would never do that. 

“But yeah, that’s me. What about you, how did you get involved with Mr. Stark?” You ask, glancing over at him slightly. You must say for a dork, he had some very nice features. 

“Very long story that includes him hitting on my aunt. Ugh,” he shivers at the memory, “And a trip to Germany.” 

That rings some bells in your head, but to be fair Mr. Stark is in Germany a lot so you don’t really question it. Like I said, you don’t connect dots very well unless it’s in the form of equations. 

You guys talk all the way to Peter’s apartment, you even give him your phone number if he ever needs a ride to the office. As Peter walks off, you both can’t help but wonder how weird the day has been. But as you drive off and turn up the radio, you put it out of your mind. Time to go home and relax. 

Only when you got home, you didn’t relax. Almost as soon as you step into your apartment, your phone lets out a little “cha-ching” noise, notifying you that someone just venmoed you. You completely forgot about Spidey owing you for your ice cream until you saw the little notification: Spidey paid you $10 with an ice cream emoji underneath. You smirk, then go back to fully entering your apartment. Only to hear your phone go off a few seconds later, another venmo notification, this time a comment left under the money he just paid you. 

I feel really bad about earlier. I figured I’d pay for both. 

You raise an eyebrow at your phone, smiling a little to yourself. He seems sweet. Sweeter than most guys you’ve run into in the middle of New York. And trust me, it’s happened more often than you’d like to admit. 

You type back. 

I really appreciate that Spiderdude. Love the profile pic;)

His profile picture was that one Spiderman meme with the three Spidermans pointing at each other. It made you giggle, at least he had a sense of humor. Most superheroes (*cough* Steve Rogers *cough*) didn’t. A few seconds later he sends another message. 

Next time I’ll get you three scoops:)

You smiled and decided that was a pretty good deal, three free ice creams? Sounds like a scam but you weren’t going to question it. You just put your phone down and decided it was time to have a nice warm bath and rock out to Taylor Swift. 

It was a while before you heard from both Peter or Spiderman, and you were still clueless to the fact that they were the same person. After a few weeks of that whole situation being off your mind, you were going into work on a late night call from Mr. Stark said that something urgent came up with the Spiderling and he wasn’t in town to take care of it. So, you jumped out of bed and rushed out still in your pajamas to the Stark Tower. 

You sped all the way there, the stars oddly bright for the city. You made note to go to the rooftop of your apartment whenever you were able to make it back. You always had a thing for the stars, having not grown up in New York. The city was beautiful, but you could truly say that you hated the nights there. No stars glittering overhead, cars and people being loud at all hours of the night. The only good thing you could say about the night in New York was all the food places that were open 24/7. (You tend to have a craving for Thai food at odd hours of the night.) 

Upon arriving at the Stark Tower, you ask F.R.I.D.A.Y what’s going on, and she directs you to your lab. You make your way up there, wondering what in the world this kid could be needing that’s so urgent. If it’s something stupid, dear god, help him. You would molly whop him into the next dimension. 

The lab doors upon a very beat up Spiderboy, who’s laid across your desk. Laying in a pile of blood. Okay, good enough reason, you supposed, immediately dropping all idea’s of punching the poor kid in the head. 

You rush up to him, taking in his half dead state of being. A giant would- no a hole would be a better way of putting it. Just a big hole in his side, with a lot of blood seeping out of it. You poke him, making sure he’s still breathing. He groans in response, it’s enough to get you moving. You had planned on this a long time ago, you created a device to regrow skin just for this occasion. You found it and within seconds, his wound began healing, though it might take a while for him to create enough blood to be able to even be able to sit up again. At that thought, you ordered F.R.I.D.A.Y. to get the building’s onsite medical team to get the kid. 

Once you were finished fixing his gaping hole, you poked him again, praying he was still alive. There was so much blood everywhere, but you tried to keep your Thai food down as you begged for him to wake up. 

“Come on kid, you can’t die on me. Mr. Stark would kill us both,” you say, starting to shake him now. You could see his chest moving up and down slightly, but he wasn’t waking up. You pleaded in your head for the med team to get there quickly, you didn’t know why you were so upset by this. Sure, it would be sad if the kid died, but you didn’t know him like that. You didn’t know him well enough to be crying over his dying body, begging him to just open his eyes or say something. Not that you could see them through the mask-

The mask. 

Your trembling hand goes to take it off, but the medical team rushes in just as you begin peeling it off, only exposing his neck. 

You step back as the med team begins working on him, you let them know that you healed him, but he needed blood. That was all you could say before they moved him onto the gurney and began taking him away, you called after, “Just wake up, Spidey, please!” 

That was the first thing that Peter remembers hearing, your voice. Lights were flashing overhead as he heard people saying things above him, though he couldn’t comprehend any of it. God, he was so dizzy. And why wasn’t his side hurting anymore? He started grabbing for his side, but the people around him stopped him from doing so. What was going on?

“You were bleeding out,” one of them says from above him, he’s starting to hear them more clearly now. Maybe his superhealing had finally set in. “No, Ms. y/l/n just saved your life. Now calm down, you’re going to be okay.” 

Peter didn’t realize he was just speaking his thoughts as they came to him, he also didn’t realize that you had decided to follow the medical team just to make sure he ended up okay. It’s not that you didn’t trust them, you just wanted to be sure. So much for looking at the stars, huh? 

Peter kept babbling as the medical team got him to their facility a few floors down, starting to connect tubes to give him more blood. One of them goes to take his mask off to check for any head wounds, but he stops them. He’s conscious enough to know that he knows none of these people, and none of these people need to know that he’s Peter Parker. 

“You’re Peter Parker?” You say, total confusion in your voice. Damn it, did he say that out loud? “Yes, you did, you idiot.” 

You get as close as you can without getting in the way of the people trying to help him. Once they were all done and he was getting the blood that he needed, you asked them to leave so you could talk to Peter. How did you not realize? He has a very distinctive voice, and obviously that’s why Mr. Stark brought him into your lab a few weeks ago. Seriously, not your best moment. 

“So you’re the infamous Spiderman?” You say, sitting on the edge of his cot. He peels his mask off and takes a breath of fresh air. 

“Wait,” it hits him that you didn’t know, what is going on? “You didn’t know?” 

“Nope,” you laugh, “I’m not really sure how I didn’t, especially after Mr. Stark brought you in there. I’m also not sure how he never mentioned that you were there person I’ve been making all this superhero stuff for. Must have slipped his mind.” Understatement of the century. 

“I thought you knew, that’s why I never really mentioned it. Also,” he smiles a little to himself, “I promised to get you ice cream next time I saw you. How about it?” 

You raise your eyebrow at him, “You’re in a cot getting blood poured into you.” 

“When I’m better?” 

“Sounds like a date.”

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #peter parker fluff #peter parker imagine #mcu peter parker #peter parker fanfiction #spiderman x you #spiderman x reader #spiderman fanfiction #spiderman fanfic

[loveywon]

♡𓂃 BREAK MY HEART AGAIN !

part 2 here!

pairing: jungwon x (gn) reader x niki

wc: 3.3k+

synopsis: you cant help but let jungwon break your heart. again. (inspired by let you break my heart again by laufey!)

warnings: ANGST, high school au, cursing i think i cant remember, sullyoon (nmixx) mentioned, not proofread, ANGST AGAIN BIG WARNING SRSLY, niki loves reader so bad, jungwon is kinda mean but not intentionally, reader needs to open their eyes srsly

a/n: everyone say thank u laufey for putting out one of the best songs ever!!! also this fic did NOT turn out the way i planned it.. niki wasnt even supposed to be in here😭 and the ending was also not planned PLS

“I’m sorry, Y/n, I can’t date you right now…” Jungwon says awkwardly, his hand rubbing the nape of his neck as he avoids eye contact with you. You should have expected this, really. The evidence was all right in front of you, but you chose to ignore it. 

“That’s fine! I know that you can’t…I just wanted to let you know,” you smiled up at him, despite his avoidant eyes. Jungwon nods at you, his kind and soft eyes meeting yours. He knows you, and he knows that your smile doesn’t reach your eyes like they normally do whenever he would crack a lame joke or when he would do something affectionate towards you. 

His lips curve into a slight smile, although the corner of his eyes don’t crinkle up. “Maybe in a few years, yeah? We’ll still be friends, Y/n. I could never leave you.” He promises, he promised. So why, three years later, you’re standing in the hallway while you see Jungwon mess with some girl’s hair that’s not your own? 

Niki jogs up to you, not reading the full situation since he arrived at school late (again). “Y/n! Did you see the fight out..side…” his eyes follow where your own are staring at, and he frowns. He doesn’t say anything, but instead he decides to direct your attention to something else. “Y/n! We’re gonna be late to history, c’mon!” He ushers, though he could care less about being late to history.

You met Niki a year after Jungwon rejected you, and you immediately introduced him to your friend group after. You never told him about your feelings for Jungwon, although you didn’t need to. Niki knew – after all, it was quite obvious with the way you swooned and giggled whenever Jungwon would do literally anything. 

Niki tugs on your arm like a little kid until you get annoyed, finally tearing your gaze away from Jungwon and the other girl talking. He smiles at you, but you don’t return it. You keep your head down, walking side by side with your friend as you look over your shoulder, still wishing that it was you with Jungwon instead of her. 

You weren’t the one three years ago, and you’re not the one now. 

Your hands ball into a fist after you were too far down the hall to see Jungwon clearly, and Niki is still rambling about something mindlessly while you’re buried in your own thoughts. You almost bump into another student and Niki has to drag your arm closer to him so you don’t crash into someone. 

“Y/n,” he whines out in a drag, wanting you to pay attention to him. You reply with a hum, not in the mood to say much after seeing Jungwon with someone else that isn’t you. 

The frown finds its way back onto his features, swinging your arm with his hand that’s gripped onto your forearm. “Wanna come over tonight? My mom let me buy this new game after saving up and I wanna show you!” He replaces the frown with a smile when you finally look at him. You give him a slight grin which makes him beam, but your following words cause his eyes to drop.

“I can’t, me and Jungwon are studying for bio tonight at my place. Maybe tomorrow? And we can go to that cafe you wanted to bring me last week too,” you offer with a tilt of your head.

It’s always like this. It’s always Jungwon first to you. At this point, Niki’s used to it and he almost expects you to hang out with him the next day. He supposes that next time, he’ll just have to ask you earlier before Jungwon does. 

Niki nods, giving a smaller smile this time before the both of you walk into your class. 

“Jungwon, hey!” You wave excitedly down the hall where Jungwon awaits by his locker for you. He leans off his locker, his head looking up from his phone as he spots you. He waves back at you, a smile gracing his features. Niki is following close behind you, but he’s too busy on his phone and doesn’t give Jungwon a form of greeting before he’s actually face to face with him.

“Okay, I’m gonna go, see you tomorrow, Y/n,” Niki says goodbye to you and gives Jungwon a nod before leaving.

“Ready to spend five hours reading a textbook?” You try to joke, nudging Jungwon lightly with your elbow, but instead of giving a lighthearted laugh and returning your joke, he’s glancing at his phone and smiles down at the screen.

You look away, your bottom lip in between your teeth. This was so awkward. After Jungwon rejected you, he actually never did get with anyone else, but he has been talking to a few people here and there throughout your high school career, so you were used to this routine. But he’s never smiled at a text before. 

“Huh? Sorry, what did you say?” Jungwon asked after putting his phone in his back pocket. You know he doesn’t do this on purpose – there is no mean bone in Jungwon for him to ever do something like this to purposely and intentionally hurt you. It’s one of the many reasons why you love him, you suppose. 

“Oh, nothing,” you mumble as you look away, the two of you walking down the sidewalk. You don’t notice this, but you always have to match his pace to walk side by side as his legs naturally walk fast because of his busy schedule, being in multiple sports and clubs. “Are you prepared for this week’s test?”

“What? We have a test this week?!” Jungwon panics, almost halting in his steps to look at you as you struggle to catch up with him. “Yeah! It’s on Friday…it’s literally in three days. You didn’t know?” You ask. This is the first. Normally Jungwon is the one to remind you of a test in your one shared class together.

“Shit,” he curses, running a hand through his hair. You two continue walking to your house and you laugh a little to ease up his sudden stressed mood. “It’s okay! That’s why we’re studying today, right? I’ll help you,” you smile, giving him a reassuring thumbs up, “but this is the first time you don’t know of a test, are you feeling okay?” You chuckle in a joking manner, turning the lock on the door and letting him enter first inside your home.

“Yeah…guess I got distracted,” he muttered. He makes his way straight to your room, knowing where it is as he’s been over more than enough times. You follow behind him, closing your door as you drop your backpack onto the floor.

“Distracted? From what?” You expect his answer to be something like ‘Oh, just sports’, so his answer knocks the wind out of you.

“I’m planning to ask out Sullyoon…” he trails off, not wanting to meet your eyes. He didn’t want to hide anything from you, you were his best friend! But when he takes a slight peek at you, and notices that your jaw is agape and your eyes no longer twinkling like they normally do whenever you look at him, why does he feel guilty? Was that even the right word to describe the ache in his heart when he sees your smile falter, eyes gazing down at your hands? Look at me, please, he thinks to himself, but he’s not sure if he really wants to see your sad eyes look at him like he was the worst thing that has ever happened to you.

You think, in a way, he is. But you know yourself well enough to know that you’d let Jungwon in your heart no matter how many times he breaks it.

He wants to change the subject, maybe back to biology because he actually wants to get a good score, but his first priority will always be you, and he doesn’t want to belittle your feelings just because of a silly little test grade that will barely affect his overall percentage, anyway. 

“Is…is that okay?” He asks after some silence, unsure on how to approach this. You blink, eyes still staring at the ground, but you quickly look at him after he speaks.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” You say, which catches him off-guard. “Jungwon…you can date whoever you want. Why are you asking me as if you’re asking permission or something,” you laugh it off, but you feel like you’re really more fighting your inner demons rather than seeing it as no big deal.

You’re too nice, Jungwon thinks. He doesn’t deserve you, he really doesn’t. A smile appears on his face, dimples and all showing on his cheeks. “Really?” He says excitedly, and it hurts you even more to see that he’s so excited to ask out Sullyoon. “So, you’ll help me ask her out? Cause I don’t really know what to do, honestly.” He asks, and you feel like you’ve been stabbed in the heart a million times.

You can’t say no. Not to Jungwon. And you hate him for that. 

“Sure.” You smile. 

The following day, you keep your promise to Niki and go to the café he wanted to show you and to see his new game. Although your mood is obviously deflated after last night’s study session with Jungwon, Niki decides to make it his life mission to make you smile and laugh. 

“Oh my gosh, this strawberry croissant looks so good,” you gasp, bending down slightly as you look through the clear glass that showcases many different pastries. 

“I know! When I came here a few weeks ago, I knew you would like it. We can get it and share, if you want!” Niki offers, giving a smile as you point and admire every pastry. 

“Really??” You look up at him, toothy smile and all, and he nods in response. He pays, because he would buy the moon for you if it meant seeing you smile. He thinks Jungwon wouldn’t do the same for you. 

You two enjoy the pastry, giggling about whatever happened at school that day or complaining about the overwhelming amount of homework your teachers assigned before walking to his home to check out his game. 

Niki thinks he successfully distracted you from whatever was bugging you since last night (he already has a hunch that it’s because of Jungwon), but you’re walking slower than you usually do and your head is slightly lowered. It’s probably not obvious to others that you’re in a sour mood, but it’s definitely obvious to Niki. 

“Y/n,” he starts, but you cut him off before he says anything else. 

“Jungwon wants to ask Sullyoon out,” you blurt, looking up at him with your bottom lip jutted out like you’re about to cry, and you feel like you are. Niki thinks he’s never felt his emotions affected by someone before. 

“Oh,” is all he says, because what exactly can he say? He’s mad, yes. He’s mad at Jungwon, because he can’t seem to understand why Jungwon would ever choose anyone over you. 

“And I’m helping him by asking her,” you breathe out, like it's the hardest thing you’ve ever said in your entire life. Scratch that — confessing to Jungwon was the hardest thing. 

“Oh.” Niki’s not good at comforting, but he wants to, so bad, for you, he would learn every language in the world. 

“He’s never…Jungwon’s never liked someone enough to ask them out. But I—“ your voice breaks and Niki swears a part of him breaks as well. You guys finally reach his house, and he gestures for you to enter first with a tilt of his head. You enter, walking straight to his room because you know his house like the back of his hand. 

You then realize; Jungwon’s always over at yours, but you’ve been in his house once and it was only to drop off homework from when he was feeling sick and you didn’t even go in. You have no idea what his house looks like, but you know every knick knack about Niki’s. 

As you two enter his room, he sits on the edge of his bed and pats the spot next to him. He may not be good at words, but he can offer a comforting shoulder. You give a slight, but weak, smile in appreciation and you sit next to him and instantly lean your head on his shoulder like it’s nature. 

This isn’t the first time, and Niki knows this won’t be the last time that you use him as comfort whenever Jungwon talks to someone new. He’s okay with that. He’ll wait for you like you wait for Jungwon. 

“Niki,” you say his name for the first time the entire day. You’re not crying, you already wasted enough tears on Jungwon. 

“Hm?” Niki hums, his fingers playing with your own, and it’s a little too intimate for Niki’s usual liking, but he’s willing to step out of his boundaries for you. 

“Thank you,” you whisper, and even though you don’t clarify what you’re thanking him for, Niki knows. He knows that you’re thanking him for being with you for two years, pining after Jungwon and using Niki as a shoulder to cry on. 

His eyes droop down, and he’s upset that he met you. He’s upset he met you in this universe, where you’re hung up on your crush on Jungwon, and not another where you two can live happily ever after, without Jungwon plaguing your mind. 

Niki vividly remembers the time you two met. It was in ceramics class, and you were there because you genuinely liked pottery and he was there because he just had to fulfill his visual arts credit. He struggled on the wheel, the clay always never staying up because he made it too thin every time. You noticed him struggling after observing for a week straight, and decided to finally lend a helping hand. 

After that, he followed you around school and walked with you to your classes (with Jungwon, of course, he’s always with you), and now you’re just used to his presence and he’s used to yours. What started off as a mere friendship, he’s now attached to you, despite knowing that you will never see him the same way you see Jungwon. 

A week later after helping Jungwon with a plan to ask Sullyoon out, it was unfolding right in front of you. With Jungwon’s back facing you, and seeing Sullyoon’s face beam with light when Jungwon asked her if she wanted to be his girlfriend, you visibly cringe. 

You just didn’t understand. What did she have that you didn’t, and why did Jungwon want her, and not you, who has been by his side ever since fifth grade? It’s been three years since you’ve confessed – you thought you’d get over it by now, but seeing them hug affectionately in front of you, made your eyes drop to the ground, hands balled up into a fist as you fight against any bitter emotions bubbling in your chest. 

You don’t notice that Niki is watching from afar. He had just gotten out of detention, and didn’t expect to see you in the school halls an hour after school had ended. He almost got excited, perhaps you were waiting for him to get out of detention so you could go to the cafe together again, or maybe you wanted to see his video game that you didn’t see last week!

But then, he sees Jungwon and Sullyoon hugging and your still figure watching them. He frowns deeply. Why do you still stick around? He supposes he should know the answer. He sticks around for you, so there’s no difference between you and him, really. 

You turn on your heel and leave the school, not saying goodbye to Jungwon or Sullyoon. You think if you see Jungwon turning to you with a bright smile that you know is not from you, you’ll start crying. 

Niki follows behind silently, not wanting Jungwon to notice him as he follows you out of the school. He catches up to you, despite your rushed pace because you want to get far away from where the love of your life and his now girlfriend is. 

“Y/n! Hey…” He says, jogging up to you and matching your pace when he’s side by side with you. 

You looked up at him, shocked. You forgot he had detention, so he must’ve gotten out right when Jungwon had asked Sullyoon out. You turn away, hair falling forward to cover your eyes. “Hi.”

He frowns again. “You want my shoulder?” He offers.

You smile slightly, it’s such a weak smile, and Niki knows that, but he appreciates your efforts. “If that’s okay with you.” 

You find yourself in your living room with Niki, head buried into his shoulder as you cry, because you just can’t wrap your head around the fact that Jungwon said he’d date you in a few years. He promised! He never broke promises. He promised in fifth grade when you two met that he’d never leave your side and that you’d always be first to him. You suppose he broke two promises now. 

Niki’s softly playing with your hair, not looking at you. He can’t look at you in this state, because when you cry, he wants to cry too. He wishes you could see that he’s been here, and maybe not as long as Jungwon, but he thinks that he knows you more than Jungwon does. 

You know that you’ll let Jungwon break your heart again. 

You think that one day, you’ll find someone who will like you like you like Jungwon.

Niki thinks that one day, you’ll realize that he sees you more than a friend and a shoulder to cry on.

Someday, one day, you’ll let Jungwon stop breaking your heart, but Niki knows that he’ll follow closely behind you, picking up every small piece and treasure it like his life depends on it. 

You end up falling asleep on Niki’s shoulder after crying on it for what feels like hours. Niki knows his shirt is slightly damp, but he doesn’t mind. You’re softly snoring, your body leaned against him. He knows you must’ve been exhausted. He knows you helped Jungwon the best you could, despite the fact that you’re hopelessly in love with him, and he hates that you did that, but he also loves you for it.

Jungwon is excitedly opening your front door, because he knows he’s welcomed into your home any time he pleases, but as he’s going towards your room, he finds Niki on your couch. He’s confused, but he doesn’t question until he spots pieces of your hair from over the couch. 

Niki doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to wake you, but he looks at Jungwon with a pointed expression, and Jungwon knows immediately what Niki was trying to express. He frowns, not at Niki, but at himself. He didn’t realize that he affected you this much, he had a feeling that you didn’t move on from him but he also didn’t think that you were still this caught up on him.

He feels terrible, he feels like absolute shit, because he also realizes that he broke two of his promises. Then, something else swirls in his gut as you shift in your sleep, head burying into Niki’s neck. He doesn’t understand this feeling, and a part of him doesn’t want to. 

He’s with Sullyoon now, isn’t he? So why, is he standing in the middle of your home, with jealousy stirring in his chest? 

part 2 is here!

taglist!: @hafsa-hoofsa-heefs

#enhypen #enhypen x reader #enhypen drabbles #enhypen fanfiction #enhypen imagines #jungwon x reader #jungwon drabbles #jungwon fanfic #niki x reader #niki drabbles #niki fanfic #enhypen x y/n #enhypen oneshots #jungwon x y/n #jungwon oneshots #enhypen scenarios #jungwon angst #niki angst #niki x y/n #niki oneshots #Spotify #enhypenfanfic #loveywonenha

[doberbutts]

I have to tell you I adore you and all your fabulous fur babies!

I would like to ask if you can talk about your experience being on t, specifically the mental and emotional aspects of the hrt process. I have read a lot about the physical changes that happen, but I don't see anyone talking about how your personality, mood, energy, etc. change.

Thanks!

Hey thanks!

Honestly while there is a lot of misinformation regarding what testosterone does to your emotions, I feel lucky that my endocrinologist never really said anything except that I may feel wild mood swings or have trouble controlling my anger in the first few months as my body and mind adjusted to the new swing in hormones.

This is pretty normal for any hormone you take- when you first start, you may find yourself experiencing mood swings and feeling emotions more intensely. That's why kids deep into puberty tend to be, um, a bit out of control with their emotions. It's also why this happens again as you age into your twilight years, when your body once again changes its hormone output and can set things a bit out of whack. Or if you get pregnant. Or if you start hormonal birth control. Or if you take a steroid for something not even sex hormone related. Messing with your hormones can seriously throw off your grasp on your feelings and moods.

But the good news is, it's not permenant. By the time you're 5 months in, you should start feeling more like "you" again, unless your dose changes for whatever reason. And, even better, the "you" you feel like? Usually is a much more mentally happy person.

On a personal level, I didn't have random fits of anger. Which is interesting, because I have a documented anger problem that I have taken anger management for because I have had black-out rages [usually inspired by one of my sisters deliberately hurting one of my pets] [for instance she swung one of my pet rats at the wall by the tail like she was going to kill him and the next thing I know our mother is pulling me off of her as I'm pummelling her face with my fists on the ground and I do not remember the in-between] [I'm not sorry, fuck around and find out, don't hurt my animals and I won't hurt you] [also this sister sent me to the ER in a previous fight where she'd bodily picked me up and thrown me through a window so like. Don't feel too bad for her that I finally snapped and gave her a taste of what she constantly did to me]

In fact, I've had *multiple* people who know the "before" and "after" tell me that I'm much calmer and more emotionally steady than I've ever been. And that I'm happier too. I also used to anger-cry a *lot*, pretty much any time I got angry I'd also cry, but that also stopped happening so now I don't really get angry and when I do I don't cry about it.

I would say anxiety's probably about the same but depression is much better. Compared to who I was before leaving my hometown vs now, I can confidently say that I no longer consider the odds of whether my shower curtain rod can hold me for long enough. I'm much better at recognizing when my mental health is getting bad and when I need to take a step back. I get stressed and I can go "okay, I need to break away from this before I completely lose it" well in advance. Which is great! Mental stability and joy and security for the win!

I will say I don't really cry anymore. It does occasionally feel like I'm not really able to. One of Creed's songs came on and I teared up and my throat got all fuzzy but I think only one of two tears actually came out, vs losing him pre-T we're talking ugly cry scream-sobbing in my [now-ex]'s arms. Which, yes, some of it is just distance from the grief since it was two years ago. But also I've never been so in control that I only cried a literal couple tears' worth. Usually the waterworks start and then take a long time to end.

[pillow-anime-talk]

16. “I haven’t been feeling well for the past few days...” -ramuda🍭

# tags: scenario; friends/lovers; soulmates!au; light angst; mostly fluff; mention of insomnia and other problems; sfw

includes: female reader ft. ramuda amemura {hypmic}

author’s note: i wrote very little about soulmate trope so... :)

16. “I haven’t been feeling well for the past few days…”

Having a soulmate sucks.

Or at least that’s your personal experience, ‘cause while your siblings seem really delighted, and all your older cousins are in the process of planning weddings with their other halves, you have been struggling with insomnia, skin problems and a constant sense of stress and anxiety for several years. Your soulmate sleeps horribly, eats poorly, and is probably a workaholic. You feel constant pressure on yourself, and you are exhausted every day.

That day you were at your friend’s and you were wondering about your future and when you would finally meet your soulmate. Long time ago Dice found his who turned out to be a croupier at his favorite casino. He was happy, proud, in love, and above all, rested. His complexion was literally beautiful, his hair shiny, and his smile was full of life. He was your perfect opposite.

“Hey... Are you okay, Y/N-chan?” The young man looked at you with a slight concern in his eyes, and you just nodded. You gripped the warm mug tighter between your hands, then looked at him.

“I haven’t been feeling well for the past few days…” You whispered, almost falling asleep. “My soulmate has been awake for almost a day.” You added, slowly placing the mug on the glass table. “I should go home, I don’t want to cause trouble. I’m sure you have plans with your girl.” You added with a slight smile, getting up slowly.

“W-Wait. You know, Y/N-chan. My bandmate has been feeling bad lately because of his soulmate. Maybe I should call him? Maybe he could help you overcome the worst moments?” He said it, though it sounded like a monologue to himself. Tired, you only replied with a another nod.

{ ･ﾟ✧ }

Your friend’s friend showed up at his place within the next thirty minutes. He looked like a contented guy who definitely had no health problems because of his soulmate, his future partner. Again – unlike you. In fact, the rapper struggled with daily mood swings and sleepy thoughts. He also often felt that his soulmate was simply sad and unproductive at work.

There are three ways to know your soulmate: The first is touch. It is the best solution for the blind people, but also for those who communicate by touch. The second way is to look someone in the eye and be sure that the person in front of us is our eternal partner. The last and rarest way is the immediate improvement of the mood and the disappearance of all undesirable effects in our body and on our psyche. It’s a burst of adrenaline and endorphins in the brains of both sides.

When you and Ramuda looked at each other, everything was just ‘okay and as always’. However, as you introduced yourself, you involuntarily felt a... surge of energy. Your face lit up and you felt like you had taken a twelve-hour nap in the world’s softest and largest bed. You then looked at the man with the lollipop in his mouth, who seemed to be seriously surprised, and then at your best friend.

“...Couldn’t you have introduce us to each other sooner, Dice? I’ve been suffering from insomnia for almost four years!”

#—🎉 #quote prompts #prompts challenge #4k followers #4k special #prompt 2 #hypnosis mic #hypnosis mic scenarios #hypnosis mic scenario #hypnosis mic imagines #hypnosis mic imagine #hypnosis mic x reader #hypnosis mic x you #hypnosis mic x y/n #hypmic #hypmic scenarios #hypmic imagines #hypmic x reader #hypmic x you #ramuda amemura #ramuda amemura scenarios #ramuda amemura imagines #ramuda amemura x reader

[waterlilyrose]

Prompt of Anthony beginning to struggle keeping up with Kate's increased sex drive during second trimester of pregnancy?

A03 link to fic here

Anthony was faced with a terrible realisation - he wasn't quite as young as he used to be. He wasn't old by any means - he was thirty years old and considered in his prime for a gentleman of society. But certain things were becoming more apparent now than when he was a Rake in his twenties who frequently had many mistresses and drank enough port on a night out to kill a horse.

First of all, he sometimes experienced pain in his lower back and knees for absolutely no reason, he found a grey hair on his temple the other day and if he had a few glasses of wine, he was beginning to feel really rather rotten the next day.

But the main thing he had been forced to accept was that sleep was becoming a bit more important to him. Anthony had been a notoriously bad sleeper since he had become Viscount so he was accustomed to surviving on only a few hours. But now he was beginning to need six to seven hours of slumber to truly face the day and be at his best. Since his marriage he had been able to rest with the smell of lilies on his pillow and Kate's warmth beside him and now he couldn't go back.

And therein lay the problem: Anthony sometimes felt a bit tired and Kate, five months pregnant with their first child, certainly was not. She had more energy than ever and, as Anthony had begged her on his knees to reduce her morning rides a little, she was riding something else - him.

And he was exhausted.

When Kate had her pregnancy confirmed a few months before, he had been so excited he told anyone who would listen - he nearly gave Whistledown a run for her money with how many people he announced it to. Everyone gave their congratulations and some even seemed quite touched by his boyish joy. He got many slaps on the back at Will Mordrich's club.

"Nicely done, Bridgerton." Fife chortled.

"Hopefully a son and heir for you on the first try." Cho agreed with a toast of his glass.

In truth, Anthony hadn't thought too much about the child's gender. He knew that it was his duty to beget a son for the family line to continue but if Kate produced a daughter he suspected he'd be totally besotted on sight. Imagining a little girl who looked like a little Kate made his heart swell. She'd be spoiled rotten by him, he had little doubt.

Will Mondrich gave him a friendly handshake and had an air of sincerity in wishing Anthony joy. Anthony could understand why - Mondrich's marriage to Alice was reportedly very happy and they had three lovely children to show for it. It provoked Anthony to ask Will when his old acquaintances had gone back to their cards:

"You are a father. Is there anything I must know?"

Mordrich shrugged."Oh I'm sure the doctors have been very forthcoming about what to expect-"

"I'm not a doctor and I don't like them anyway." Anthony insisted. He was grateful that the doctor who delivered Hyacinth was approaching his dotage because Anthony didn't have to make excuses for why he didn’t want him in the house.

Mondrich raised his eyebrows a little (probably remembering a time not very long ago when Anthony was proclaiming to anyone who would listen that his marriage would be a business arrangement and nothing more) before acquiescing and thinking of things to advise.

“Well, patience is going to be a must. She might act in ways you don’t understand sometimes and be a bit unreasonable. Just remember - she’s growing a human inside her. A human you put there so accept the mood swings with good grace or you might rue the day. Also she will probably want to eat odd things. Alice had a terrible craving for shortbread biscuits when she was carrying Nicky - she doesn’t even like shortbread.”

Anthony nodded eagerly. He didn’t get this talk off his mother so this was interesting. “Anything else?”

“A foot rub often goes down well. Don’t stop her living her life too much. And um…” Mondrich trailed off looking a bit embarrassed.

“What?” Anthony demanded, eager to know.

“When she starts showing, maybe four, five, six months, she might get a bit more… amorous.”

Anthony blinked. “You mean-"

“I’m sure you understand.” Mondrich said pointedly.

Anthony couldn’t help a little spark of excitement. Oh this was interesting… “What should I do about… that?”

“You’re a gentleman and she’s your wife. I’m sure you’ll do what you can to help.” Mondrich replied drily. “I had a similar conversation with Hastings when Augie was coming and I was proved quite right-"

“Yes, yes, understood!” Anthony cut in quickly. A wonderful way to curb his excitement was imagining the perks of a heightened libido had on his sister and good friend! “I’d better… head home then.” Anthony finished his drink in one gulp and headed for the door.

“Best wishes, Bridgerton. And good luck.”

Good luck - oh he’d needed it even if he hadn’t realised it at the time. Anthony knew he could be a bit arrogant at times and he thought quite cockily he could handle more sex quite happily. Kate and him were passionate people - their honeymoon had been a haze of new places to visit and new positions to try in the suite. More of that seemed nothing short of delightful.

And it was. That was the worst thing about it - Anthony’s heaven was fantastic but please… he needed to rest!

It hadn’t really kicked in until Kate was about four months pregnant. They had still been making love regularly and with evident delight but soon Kate started to get more wanton. She had started to wake him with kisses on his mouth and…other places. She’d march into his study, lock the door and pull him bodily out of his chair while settling herself on the desk, hiking up her dress and whispering "Fuck me Viscount. Hard and fast." She would attend balls looking ravishing and demure whilst whispering in his ear during their dances exactly what she was thinking about him doing to her until they had to disappear into an empty room, a dark part of the garden or sometimes just a broom closet to get some frantic relief.

He'd once whispered to Kate: 'Do you even know the ways a lady can be seduced? The things I could teach you…' Well, she had learnt beautifully and now was confident in her abilities of seduction. And Anthony was starting to look as worn out as he had in the days before his marriage.

The worst thing was that, if Anthony said gently to Kate that they couldn't make love that particular night, she would leave him alone at once. But the idea of the look of confusion on Kate's face at his rejection and then the desperate embarrassment that would overcome her made him stamp that idea down everytime. It had taken him a long time to convince Kate that she could be selfish and that was perfectly fine - quite difficult because it required him to stop clinging to the idea of duty too. The idea of her holding back from him when she was literally carrying his baby was an appalling thought.

And also, mentally at least, Anthony didn't want to stop. Kate was getting more beautiful than ever as the pregnancy began to show. The baby had started to quicken and had even began to kick a little. He sometimes pulled her nightdress off and just looked at her naked body in awe - she was perfection and sometimes the sight of her made him want to weep.

But sometimes a man needs a chance to reload and damn it all, he just wanted to sleep. They were going to lose sleep when the baby was born - surely he should rest as much as he could now?

Best get used to it, Bridgerton - parenthood is meant to be a challenge.

Xxxxxxxxxx

"...it is important that the Commons vote today for a change in the harvest report. The autumn is fast approaching and the farmers are about to -"

The tirade of the House Speaker was interrupted in the House of Parliament by a sudden, and quite loud, snore. The gentleman on the benches looked around towards the noise and some looked astonished while others tried not to guffaw at the sight that met them - Viscount Bridgerton had made himself a bit too comfortable and had fallen fast asleep on the benches of Parliament. His snoring indicated that it wasn't a light nap either - he was out for the count.

Hastings, who had accompanied his very tired brother-in-law to hear the new propositions, smiled in an apologetic way but didn't shake Anthony awake. He felt his old friend had earned a bit of a rest and also he had a feeling he would be using this little story to his advantage for many years.

#waterlilyrose #bridgerton #kanthony #kathony #fanfic #fanfiction #anthony bridgerton #kate sharma #kate and anthony #tumblr drabbles #fluff and smut

[engagedtobefree]

I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own. 

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun. 

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever. 

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship. 

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right. 

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it. 

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha. 

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason. 

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

#here's the novel no one asked for #personal #chris #idk what else to tag #i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol #my overthinking strikes again #even in the tags #whomp whomp

[mybrainismelted]

A.U.gust 2023 - Day 25, Vampire

@gallavichthings

It turns out that despite his promises otherwise, letting your drunk of an uncle/father turn you into a vampire does not actually cure bipolar.  

Sure, it makes the stretches of good days longer, but that means it also makes the bad ones longer too.  And guess what?  Vampires can't absorb mood-regulating drugs by swallowing them.

At the time, it seemed like a good idea - after all, this would let us fulfill our promise to be together forever.  And the first 50 years were amazing.  We were together, we were happy, we were in love.  That's about when we realized that I wasn't actually cured.  And a manic vampire is not a pretty sight.  I'm ashamed now to admit the amount of chaos I caused.  He stayed by me though, tried to keep some of my worst impulses under control.  And it only lasted about 2 years that time.  

Then of course the inevitable downswing.  Depression is a real bitch for a vampire.  Staying in your coffin (yes, it's cliche, but Mickey likes the symbolism of it) for a year is kinda gross.  But still, he stood by my side, forced me to drink some blood he brought home whenever he could, and stayed in our coffin with me every day.  Because he loved me.

But that was a long time ago.  My swings started happening more often, and lasting for longer.  When I was in between them, I could see the frustration and despair building in his eyes.  And this time.... this time by the time the downswing came, he was gone.

I'm not sure how many years I've been lying here now.... not able to move, not able to feed myself... I'm sure I am wasted to nothing, but I can't even get up and step into the sun to end my pain.  I think that maybe this time I will lie here forever.  Alone, unwanted, and unable to move.

                                   ***********************************

It's been so long since I've seen him.  I miss him every single day.  But those last few years of his mania, he didn't seem to notice if I was there or not.  It broke my heart, but I had to leave.  I had to figure out a way to keep living.   I don't know what his mental state is now.  Is he still manic?  Is he depressed and alone?  Maybe he is finally himself again and we can talk.  I dread what I will find, but still my feet carry me forward to the home we have shared for so many years.  Is he even still here?

"Ian?"  I call out, hoping desperately for an answer.  I move slowly through the rooms, noticing that everything is dusty and looks like it hasn't been disturbed for years.  My heart breaking, I head to the lowest level, knowing the chances are slim that I will find him there.

When I see our double-size coffin still in it's place, my heart flutters - alternating between hope and despair.  I moved forward, slowly lifting the lid, and fell to my knees when I saw the horrible sight within.

He is so thin.  Just skin and bones at this point.  Leathery and pale, his glorious red hair fragile and matted. He's not moving, doesn't seem to realize I'm here.  I'm not even sure if he's alive.

"Ian?"  I whisper, reaching out to stroke his hair.  At my touch, his eyes slowly fluttered open.  He looked at me like his eyes wouldn't focus, and then suddenly they snapped to my face, and a low "Mick?"  was mumbled. "I'm here my love.  You should know by now that I will always come back to you." I admitted.  "I'm sorry I was gone so long, I was trying to find you help." I reach in and slowly help him to sit, and pull a bottle of blood from my backpack where it's been kept warm.  "This will help, and when you are stronger I can tell you what I found."  Slowly I help him drink, seeing the slightest bit of colour return to his face.  He is still so weak, but I'm here now, and everything will be ok - I finally have the answer and know how to cure him.  We really can be together forever, and be happy.

#a.u.gust 2023 #fanfic #gallavich

[necroangelz]

bored, so gunna do yur ask game... 💌 and/or 🫀 pwease.^⁠_⁠^^⁠_⁠^ hru today btw! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

help this has been in my inbox for a few days oops im so sorry... i drafted up the first half of this post last friday but i forgot to continue it and i had no energy... anyways

as of right now i havent been that great, my mood swings r going crazy and im stressed over a test tomorrow, although i did a lot of thrifting on friday and saturday and bought lots of nice stuff! i'll post my entire .. "thrifting haul" when i feel like it...

emoji answers below! i decided to answer both. my answer for the heart emoji is very... long.......... but what do uu expect from an infodump?

『 💌 』

a quote or song lyric

muse just realized on muses pinned post it says "song" instead of "song lyric" erm... it's supposed to be song lyric help anyway

“ Come then, and let us pass a leisure hour in storytelling, and our story shall be the education of our heroes. ” -Plato, Republic Book II

wow, look at the intellectual internet angel, quoting Plato /s the quote is also referenced in the secret history by Donna Tartt (hir latest obsession) at the very beginning of the book ^_^ shi doesn't really know what to say, shi just really really likes this quote! shi likes very grand lines like this—the way that a simple leisure story can become an influence to the next generation of great heroes... there's something so alluring about it.

『 🫀 』

a game i played + an infodump

the free visual novel cemetery mary by arcadekitten! i really love cemetery mary and i can go on about it for hours, which is why i'll keep this infodump short bc i might just be typing here for hours and i wont get any sleep.

it's about a girl named mary anta (design is based on a manta ray), whose parents had mysteriously vanished without a trace one day. there's rumors of a killer in her city, called the blackwood butcher, and she suspects that her parents disappeared because of the butcher. she also texts a 'mysterious number' that claims her parents are alive and well.

she may look scary in the title screen but don't be fooled! she's a sweet and soft girl who simply has darker interests (such as the concept of death and cemeteries, as the title suggests).

here's mary hanging out with the other characters—crowven, twyla, and reginald. the player can pursue a route with any of these characters where mary will hang out with them and get closer to them. each route has a vastly different story and even genre/theme, and they lead to their own good and bad endings. i feel like it's easy to get the bad endings at first though... and they can get veeerrryyy VERY fucked up. there is also a true ending which is very entertaining and mysterious but leads to a happy ending.

i have about 42 hours in the game. yeah i got very obsessed with it... i like visual novels a lot and despite the occasional fucked up moments i enjoy CM because it's very chill and the characters are written well. and there's just something about how the game is designed that scratches my brain.

i got introduced to the game by a friend 2-ish years ago. we don't talk anymore but i liked that friend a lot... i didn't start playing CM until a few months later though

also just look at mary rn. SHE'S SO SILLY AAAHH I LOVE HER how can one not adoooreee her?????/

anyway let me just speedrun describing the 3 route characters rn

too lazy to find a better photo of him rn—this is crowven corvuson, design is based on a crow, and he's mary's cousin. except they're not blood related but they see each other as family. i don't interact with the fandom but i can imagine the discourse they would have about crowven and mary.

crowven is emo, moody, smokes weed, and has anger issues. his parents are dead. he lives together with mary. he gets up to secret business.

AAAAAHHH EHHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHE this is twyla sophio, design based on an owl, this isn't her main "look" though, this is her outfit for a party. she's filthy rich, she's toxic, she's manipulative, and she's relentless to uncover the identity of the blackwood butcher. she also has some kind of rivalry with crowven (apparently it's accurate to nature where owls and crows have beef irl)

i am very very very in love with twyla in a normal way and i ship her and mary together

lastly, reginald tetra, design based on a pufferfish. this also isn't his main look, but he's so handsome here. i don't really like him that much but there's some certain scenes that make me like him...

he's your local average guy. he's so average. he's so normal. there's nothing wrong with him. i swear

he also has a littol tiny crush on mary :3 they develop a nice bond

ok thats it infodump over

#🎮﹕ press start 𝜗𝜚 ︵

[sunwarmed-ash]

Sinful Sunday: On deck- Figure You Out

okay so really the backstory of this whole fic was I got stoned and was starting to try to write and Figure You Out by VIOLA came on spotify. Less than 12 seconds into the song the angsty Steddiegrove story started forming in my brain.

Then I started thinking about how it would be cooler if Eddie performed this modified version of the song post breakup with Billy. and THEN I started thinking about who would be on tour with Corroded Coffin and because this is my fic and my obsessions I chose OG Panic! At The Disco :D

thus the steddiegrove, rydon, eddie/brendon 2000s band au fic was born

i also didn't expect to write more than the song fic haha so thats why theres only one chapter. Maybe if yall like it enough ill write more 👿

CHAPTER DROPPING THIS SUNDAY!!

in the meantime, here's a little teaser

Chicago: Punk Never Dies Tour 2005

Panic! At The Disco has just cleared the stage and their stage crew is busy setting up Corroded Coffins gear while the crowd demands a second encore. It's been a few days, since his break up with Billy, but it's still eating at Eddie. He hates that he's in such a bad mood. He loves the stage. He loves performing. But his personal life can’t get its fucking shit together and its bleeding all over his stage persona. Even two weeks later. 

He's far enough into his head he doesn't even notice there's someone in front of him until they make physical contact. 

“Eds? You good man?” 

It's Gareth. 15 years his band mate and he knows Eddie and his moods like the back of his hand. Eddie gives him a tight lipped smile. He's not. Not even a little.

“Yeah man, sorry. Didn't sleep great last night.”

Gareth smirks and rolls his eyes. 

“So I guess I should be blaming Billy then.” 

Any other day, Eddie would laugh it off. Maybe agree, flirt, or make an over the top sexual remark. But not today. Not after Billy yanked out his heart, crushed it with his boot and then pissed on it. 

“We’re done.” 

Gareth's playful face drops and he looks a little queasy. 

“S-Shit, man, I-I’m so sorry.”

“You didn't know,” Eddie says, shaking his head and slapping the back of his bandmates shoulder to indicate the end of that conversation. “Come on, gotta get warmed up.”

-

Billy is practically vibrating out of his skin. He looks like he's either going to pass out or throw up. 

“I don't wanna be here Steve,” he says for the 7th time since they arrived at the small venue, but based on the never ending mood swings and constant name dropping of his ex, it's more than obvious to Steve Billy does want to be here. Needs it actually. Steve knows Billy never should of broken up with Eddie. Even if the blonde convinces himself, poorly, he's better off without him. 

“Yes, you do. Come on, I’m right here. I’ll be right here, the whole time.”

-

The stage lights change and Eddie turns to face the crowd, still high off that last long. Evidently so are they, because the pit is still active and Eddie watches with glee as the security guards try and fail to stop it. He's arguably feeling a little bit better. Their first few songs have turned an already wild crowd feral. He makes a risky decision, and hopes it's the right one.  

“Okay so this next song is brand new. LIke, I wrote it a week ago new. And, well, it's drastically different than anything we've ever written or performed, but I don't know, what do you think guys? Think this is a good crowd for it?”

The crowd explodes and Eddie laughs, high off their approval. 

“Alright alright, ya convinced us,” he says before nodding to the band to start setting up for their new song. Gareth changes his black bass for an electric-red one, Jeff swaps his bass for the electric violin, and Mike starts up the simple, repetitive drumline with a bass boosted modification. Eddie switches his handheld microphone for a headset, eagerly waiting for his tour mate to return to the side stage.

The song starts off starts off slow, with a deep base undertone accentuated by an electric violin that Eddie thought feels so sexy once they get to the chorus. He's never performed it live before, only twice at practice before the concert tonight, but in his head it's going to be sexy. Mostly, he just had alot of feelings about one resident asshole Billy Hargrove that he needs to get out. The stage is where he healed.

#sinful sunday post #figure you out #steddiegrove #rydon #eddie munson #brendon urie #panic at the disco #ryan ross #billy hargrove #steve harrington #stranger things #find me on ao3 #sunwarmed ash #links in bio #i post new stuff every sunday #sinful sunday

[horizonspurple]

Oh nooo! I had the same problem with my nails breaking but they finally started growing out, tho I don't like having them too long anymore.

I've been dancing ballet for about 8 years now but I recently also got into swing, whuch if you don't know are a group of vintage dances originating from the 20s onwards. I absolutelly love it, they take you into a completely different world and the community is so nice. Definitelly very different from ballet, but I still love ballet, tho I've been slowly lessening the intensity at which I do it.

Your walks sound so cute:) Maybe I should take a page from your book and install pokemon go to motivate me hehe. I definitelly don't go out enough, oopsie. I'm not sure I would say running will become a habit, but I like that I'm proving to myself that I can do it and that it can be enjoyable. And it's so cool you liftt, I have had urges to start but I end up being a bit scared of the new situation.

Also for the question part of this ask: do you ever listen to music during sex? I remembered this one from the list of asks you rebloged. I haven't ever given it thought and then once I did I could not think of what would be something to listen while. Hopefully the ask isn't too invasive, I'm judt curious but of course don't feel like you have to answer it.

-your sleepy anon

Ohh forgot to say I hope you have a nice day:) And yesterday I had a tough day and it honestly made me smile when I saw your response.

Hmm that's fair, long nails can be tricky too

Oohh that is so cool! I always admired ballet dancers, it just looks so elegant Swing sounds fun as well! I'm glad you like the community 😊

Pokemon go for sure was a big motivator for me to go outside more It sounds silly, but a few months ago I went through a bad depressive episode and rarely left the house, but for some reason trying to find new pokemon, collect cute ones and looking for pokestops really helped with going outside more It also started with just tiny 10-15 minute walks, but now I can be gone for over an hour fighting in gyms and catching pokemons It still feels silly to explain to people a game made me walk more, but you know, if it's silly but it works, it's not really that silly I get that! It doesn't have to be or become a habit, but it's great that you have proved that to yourself, so proud of you :) Lifting was for sure scary in the beginning, just the gym, the people, the using weights and machines I still get nervous from time to time but I happen to train at a nice gym with superfriendly employees, I've even had the courage to ask for help a couple times and they were so nice about it

Oohh a question! I do yeah, not always but having music on while having sex or doing naughty things can be very nice or useful! I actually have a sex playlist lmao, although I do need to go through it sometime and remove some songs But it can be nice when you are not home alone to reduce the chance of other people hearing you, it can help set the mood if you have the right music or be useful when you are doing impact play Impact play can be quite loud so having some music can help muffle those sounds Also Daddy sometimes hits me to the beat of the music, which is very funny xD It wasn't an invasive ask at all! Don't worry 😊

Hihi it's okay! I hope you have a nice day as well Ahww really? 🥺 that makes me happyy :)

#sleepy anon #anon #questions #horizon posts #ask me anything

[mayalaen]

i’m sorry for pushing you guys away

My family has had A LOT of counseling over the years, but I’ve had very little because counselors don’t seem to know what to do with schizophrenics and they end up doing weird shit to me.

Recently my brain has decided that the childhood experiences I thought weren’t a big deal were actually pretty traumatic, and my brain wouldn’t let me stuff it down anymore. Damn, but I was so good at stuffing that I didn’t even realize I had anger issues!

Apparently I have A SHIT-TON of anger issues 😲

However, in the process of going through counseling, my mom and I finally have a second label for the 4 bipolar people in my family who have caused me the most trauma.

They’re not JUST bipolar. They’re also Malignant Narcissists. Surprise! (Generations of abuse+substance use+mental issues breeds these fuckers if you didn’t know)

It’s kinda nice to have a label for them because now we can learn how better to deal with them, and the tips we’ve learned so far have worked GREAT!!

The BAD NEWS is that they’ve all carried a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder for years, so I assumed all the toxic manipulative shit was due to being bipolar. Because that’s what I was told! (I did think it was odd that most of their behavior wasn’t included on the symptoms of bipolar disorder lists on websites and in psych books)

Because of that, I’ve put distance between myself and bipolar people I start to become friends with as soon as I realize they’re bipolar or have mood issues.

The reason I’m posting about this here is because I’ve been pushing away some really great people who are simply bipolar, thinking they were just being nice to me until we got close and then they’d unleash the manipulative toxicity on me.

I can’t tell you how hurt and angry this it makes me that my family’s behavior fucked up my friendships, but I’m also thankful for the thick skin they’ve given me.

There’s a few people I could name, but I don’t want to out them if they haven’t told anyone else they’re bipolar, but if you see this and you’ve tried to be friends with me and you’re bipolar or even have the barest hints of mood swings, this is for you.

I AM SO SORRY 😭

I really liked being with you. You’re fun and easy to talk to. You’ve never actually hurt me, but I was protecting myself.

As you can imagine, this has been super upsetting, and it’s part of the reason I haven’t been around much.

I went through a grieving period for all the people I could’ve been friends with over the years and quite a number of fuckbuddies and even a couple relationships that could’ve been long-term.

It’s not completely my family’s fault -- counselors told us what they were and missed the malignant narcissism diagnosis -- but I’m in the anger stage of this whole process, and I’m really fucking mad and resentful. I haven’t even been able to look my father in the eye for months now.

Good thing he’s so narcissistic that he hasn’t noticed or cared otherwise I would’ve had to talk to him about it 🤣

One of the things I really enjoyed was watching movies online with friends, and something I’m really excited about is that I’ve created a Plex server with just over 2000 movies and almost 300 TV shows on it, closed captioning as well.

At my insistence, as a family we finally cut ties with cable TV and big ISP a few months ago, so we’re not spending ridiculous amounts of money with Cox. I put two months’ worth of Cox bills to good use with this server, and we’re all enjoying that and a few paid streaming apps.

Which means that I can easily set up and host movie nights for friends and share my libraries with friends 🥳

Of course with me being in the middle of selling the shop, I have no time to do this, but I have hope that I’ll be able to do this soon and play games again and try to rekindle friendships that I hopefully haven’t fucked up beyond repair.

If you’ve made it this far reading through all my rambling, thank you 💜

#i'm sorry #about me #real life #my family #mental issues #long post

[beach-boyzz]

i'd love to hear about tiramisù (your oc...!)

Hi omg this is like from 83929281919 months ago u dont have to answer but I finally feel like rambling about my ocs again teehee… :3

Tiramisu is 24 years old and he’s a vento aureo oc!! He works for la squadra and is a little bit goofy (he is actually insane)

He spent a lot of his childhood alone with not very many friends, and as he got older he ended up getting cheated on, and having a lot of the only few people he was very close to end up leaving him for other people (even if it wasn’t romantic) Even at home he didn’t really have peace because he was different and did not get social cues, which led to him being seen as weird and yelled at for being rude.

So he honestly grew up rather miserable and moody, very defensive, paranoid and with intense emotions/mood swings he did not know how to regulate. In his youth he also made a lot of bad decisions just so he could feel like there were people who would love him, or not to lose the few people he’d have. Which ended up making it even worse and even made him lose his sense of identity.

Years into the future, he started college, He ends up coming out to his parents. They weren’t supportive and it leads to this huge fight between Tira and his parents because he was dependent on them. Overwhelmed by the emotions, he decided to quit and not deal with them anymore, promising himself he’d find a way to pay what he owed the college on his own.

Due to the strong emotions he felt at the moment, everything hit him at once and awakened his stand, [WEST END GIRLS]. The stands ability is to transform the environment into an abstract world, and matches the emotion of the user. (Mad equals sharpness and glitches in the world, with colors usually associated with anger, and is usually more dangerous as an example) His stand is very draining and he can’t stop it/control it coming out very well, so he doesn’t try to use it often. (As well as the danger to others)

He soon joined Passione, to try and make up the money he owed quickly and also thinking he could use his ability as an advantage. (he was more naive then) When doing Polpo’s trial, Polpo believed the stands ability to bring the user and the target into a warped world could work great for a stealthy assassination so he was assigned to La Squadra. Though as Tira got used to his stand, He used it less and went on missions less (or did not use his stand) and instead helps more with important errands or paperwork.

As the events in Golden Wind happen though, Tira gets more and more stressed until his stand begins to warp his mind. He begins to get in arguments with the other members, distancing himself from everyone and engaging in reckless behaviors. Soon he even leaves.

When he finally sees his team again, He finds Risottos dead body. As well as Anguille, the leader of a team outside of Passione who used to work with the Capo. Overwhelmed with survivor’s guilt and a lack of caring for his own life, he blames Anguille for everything that has happened and attacks him. Anguille’s stand notices before Tiramisu can hurt him and grabs him away. (The stand is made out of large Morray eels, So his arm is crushed and completely bitten into, as well as getting a small bite on his face) Razze, The Capos younger brother then knocks him out with his electric stand, and they leave Tiramisu with Tonno to heal/watch him while they continue to investigate.

When Tiramisu wakes up, He is temporarily untied to be healed by the overly trusting Tonno and he takes this chance to run away and take some money with him. Tiramisu knows he has done too much to return back, and even if his team did survive he could not face them like he did.

#beach boyzz ocs #tiramisu #jjba oc #vento aureo

[chibiexorcist]

I want to cry. I really, really just want to cry.

I've gone almost 6 months without a job, because nobody is hiring without experience, or won't hire unless you can work past midnight (which I can't). And the only thing I've done- the only thing I've been allowed to do- is stay in the fucking kitchen.

I don't have work references either, which are preferred. Because I'm quiet and bad at making friends, so I never got anyone's contact info, let alone permission to use them as a reference.

I have 10 years of experience... at fucking McDonald's (9.5 years) and Panera Bread (half a year, before they fired me for being sick at the wrong time). Not like it matters.

My time on unemployment has almost run out, even though I didn't even start actually getting the payment until two months after I signed up. I won't be able to afford to pay rent or bills.

I can't sign up for even partial disability because even though I'd otherwise qualify, I'm 31 years old and not physically incapable of work, and therefore it's not even worth trying (info gained after looking it up on google).

I have only gotten three interviews, and none of them wanted me, even though it felt like it went well.

I feel absolutely worthless. To top it all off, because they've been screwing with my medications that used to work just fine, because mom brought up that my mood swings and depression were getting worse (while I was under a shitton of stress), my mental state is actually getting worse, not better.

I also suspect I may be autistic and/or have adhd- have suspected it for years actually. But I can only get diagnosed at one place around here, only recently had the opportunity to find and call them, and they're so backed up that it was going to take "2-3 weeks" (a month ago) for them to get back to me just to meet with someone and tell them in person why I think I might be (which they already asked on the phone anyway, in detail). Then it'll be a few weeks from that before I can get tested, if they deem it a possibility. And months after that for the results. So I won't actually know until probably the end of the year.

...anyway, that's not entirely related to anything but the mental health bit. Can't talk to a therapist either because the only local one I know of that takes my insurance and isn't super expensive is also a shitty place (from both my and others' experiences). But yeah. Overall?

I just....

Like, is life even worth it at this point?

I cannot afford to live, because I cannot fit into society like a normal person, and everyone has simultaneously high and low expectations of me, and I just..! I hate it. I hate it all. So much.

I can't even tell my friends, either, because I know that everyone else has it worse, so I'd feel bad just for, well, feeling bad. I have nowhere to turn right now, and I just... I want it to stop. I want everything to stop.

#stress posting #just venting i'm sorry #i... don't like doing this on tumblr. but i have nowhere else to go. and maintaining a journal has always been hard for me

[sidewalk-scrawls]

Mental health posting below the cut. Some (minor) talk about suicide ideation, so skip past this post if stuff like that upsets you (Also, I’m fine, I promise!! Please don’t read this if it’ll be triggering)

So a few weeks ago, I started to get the sense that I was on the cusp of another depressive episode, and I was hoping I was wrong because a lot of times I can push it back with the right decisions. But anyway, it turns out I wasn’t wrong, and I swear it feels like the world is actively *trying* to make it worse. (This isn’t true, I know it isn’t true, but like. Everything is so bad right now from like every angle. And like I haven’t been sleeping, and I’ve been stressed out for months, and every moment it feels like the world is crumbling.) Meanwhile every time I open the news I want to either throw up or burn down a building, there’s really nothing else. And like I need a break desperately, but I just *don’t* have time to relax and regroup, and it’s making everything so much worse. I’m so fucking stressed out that I’m always like 2.5 seconds away from anger which is. Umm. Not fun! I do not enjoy being angry! But I want to lash out *so* bad, like getting unbelievably strong urges to start fights and burn down some relationships.

Which is cool and fun because this is an angle of my depression that pretty much went away when I went on antidepressants.  I used to have really, really bad mood swings (we’re talking swinging from a great mood to actively suicidal in the course of like 5 minutes), and I’m *not* anywhere near that bad right now. But the fact that they’re back now after like multiple years of antidepressants is honestly kind of terrifying? Like this is the worst round of depression I think I’ve had since starting antidepressants, and I was on them during the worst of covid.

I just really don’t want to do another round of this bullshit! The mood swings played a pretty active role in the worst round of depression I’ve ever had, in which I fucked up 90% of my closest relationships to the point that they never recovered, no matter what I tried to fix them. It was umm. A very, very, very bad 6 months or so. Like I was passively thinking about suicide probably 10-20 times a day.

So yeah, I don’t particularly love that my mood right now reminds me of that (except still much milder thankfully). I also don’t love that my passive suicide ideation is back since that *also* almost entirely disappeared when I went on antidepressants. But noooo we’ve gotta bring that back, too I guess. Fuck me. Anyway, my ice tray is getting a lot of use, shout out to my freezer and my ice tray for their service.

I mean, at least there’s some dark humor that I was so optimistic about turning 27 (it’s my favorite number! it should be a good year!) only to immediately have the worst depressive episode I’ve had in years. Woo.

(Again I am okay! This is a vent post! Will I take this down almost immediately after posting? Who can say. Certainly not me.)

#oops oversharing on the internet again #it is after midnight and i'm not done with my work that's due today (yesterday now i suppose) and i'm almost too miserable to care #literally fuck everything lol

[spikyshores]

ok, so this is my art blog, and several people followed me after i posted a few madness combat jokes, and i feel bad right now because madness was my special interest for like a year and a half and i feel like i very suddenly just stopped being able to get happiness out of it a few days ago. tl;dr my special interest is likely dying or at least i can't tolerate the feeling of obligation to draw it and i feel guilty for attracting people to this blog expecting that only for me to likely abruptly stop posting about it, so if anyone wants to unfollow over that i understand and won't be offended. sorry. also sorry to everyone who followed me from the start and has to deal with me making tons of fanart for stuff you don't care about whenever i get a new interest. i know it's not actually a big deal but it simply feels that way because i am autistic. thanks.

like i realized i was putting all this energy into caring and basically pathetically simping and getting emotional about missing the premier and then my body just rejected it. i was like why am i suffering so much, why am i doing this? and some part of me i guess got disgusted with myself and decided to just run away. obviously it's actually my mind that rejected it but i'm using the "body" language because that's the way it felt, like just an overwhelming reaction. and i'm actually pretty upset about it because i was pretty deeply emotionally attached and still am and yet my body is rejecting it because i used everything it had to give me up and/or feel trapped or something. really hard to explain. it's also about my feelings of throwing my life away not making good enough original art and not respecting myself enough as an artist to seek out original self expression etc.

i think maybe what happened overall was i committed myself to this one interest for a long time because i was attached and really didn't want to let go even though i should've let go before and then my brain suddenly forced me to stop and also i'm still attached and there's a chance i'll get re-interested but then this will just happen again and it will be a cycle of pain which coincides with the previously-unrelated-but-now-related mood swings i've been having for the past few months. another thing was that i worked hard to reclaim it as an interest over the course of this year because someone kind of involved it in abusing me (that wasn't the main factor, it just became involved because it was my special interest during the relationship and then was used to hurt me at one point) and i had to retrain myself to not associate it with that and this made me more attached as well.

i still haven't watched the live action trailer yet because i like felt pressure to be emotional about it and i'm like not up to making myself get emotional and/or failing to get emotional when i should. like i was excited about it and now it's been out for days and i haven't even watched it because it will hurt. i hope i get truly re-interested in a while, years or something, and then get to watch it and really enjoy it, but i'm scared that, since this happened, i will never be able to enjoy it again??

i hate that the nature of my brain is to love things really hard and then inevitably get tired of them and all that emotion is like... like it was never there and was always meaningless and just a dopamine factory. i know it wasn't meaningless but like i feel committed to things as if they were people and eventually i start to go crazy from feeling trapped due to doing this to myself but it's like i'm incapable of just having a bunch of casual interests and instead one has to become my whole personality for an extended time. god if you're out there i would recommend nerfing autism/ocd combo. awesome to be a person who by nature wants to do the same thing forever but also is extremely sensitive to feelings of being trapped and also can't stand the uncertainty of knowing if losing something will be permanent 😎 <- imagine that is the carter amelia davis version of that emoji

but yeah i really love madness but i like can't keep performing interest anymore or i will go insane. i need the amount of interest that exists naturally to be my only reason for caring and to feel safe with the possibility of that amount dwindling to nothing.

#like i'm not really sure what's going on because i still really like madness and my moods are so fleeting this could all be reversed in #like 2 days #but i feel like maybe i would like to enjoy it in private because the abstract feeling of people watching and expecting things of me is #like drilling a hole in my brain #and i know i don't owe anyone anything and people don't necessarily actually expect anything of me but the feeling is still there #sorry for talking for SO FUCKING LONG btw #no obligation to read it though #don't know if i want to post much art at all either for a while because the feeling of being watched and scrutinized damages my #original art process too #just hate performing in front of the world suddenly

[purplesurveys]

1773

When was the last time you had blood drawn?  I want to say 2020 when I had that very very very very horrible fever that went on for too long that I ultimately just got taken to a hospital for a blood sample and see what the hell was wrong with me.

Does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much? It bothered me in the past and it will most definitely bother me over and over again in this lifetime, lol. I'm horrified by needles and the idea of any sharp thing poking through my skin.

What show do you miss coming on television?  I don't like watching shows as they are ongoing because I don't enjoy the suspense and cliffhangers much. That's why most of my favorites are already-concluded series.

What color is your toothbrush?  It's white with blue accents.

Who would you say is your best friend at the moment?  Angela.

How long have you two been best friends? 2005.

What would you say is one word to describe your personality?  Uptight.

Do you have mood swings?  They were much worse when I was younger, but while I still have them now they happen a lot less frequently and the dips and highs are not as bad. Like, the worst that could happen is me going silent and losing my appetite because I got a work message or something.

When was the last time you cried?  A few days ago.

Are you an impatient person?  This is again one of the things I used to be bad with but I've softened up over the last few years.

Do you ever wish on 11:11 or do you think it’s a sham?  If I catch it then I would as just some kind of innocent/playful gesture I do for myself; but I don't actively wait for 11:11.

Are you the kind of person who has headaches a lot?  Yes, usually by the end of the day because I spent 8 hours straight looking into a screen and often on max brightness too.

What color are your nails painted right now, if any?  I never have my nails painted because I know I'd spend more time chipping it off.

Do you like dressing up for Halloween and other festivities?  It's fun when there are plans for Halloween but, like, I also don't get FOMO when I'm not invited to any Halloween parties. That said the last time I dressed up for it was a year ago – I had to miss out on all the stuff this year because I got Covid.

Has your cell phone ever rung in class?  It might have had, but very rarely. I always made sure it was on silent but I'm sure there were days where I simply forgot.

Do you sometimes think you aren’t as fortunate as others?  Not a day. Especially in the context of where I live I'm very aware of my privilege.

Do you think any of your friends are whores?  No.

Have you ever tried opening your eyes under water?  I don't try, it's just something I've always done; the only time I don't is if I'm swimming at the beach because that shit stings.

How much do you text on your phone, on average?  I wanna say it's an average of like 40-50 a week since I often have to text certain contacts for work-related reasons.

Do you think you have a good relationship with your parents? It's healthy, but I wouldn't call them confidantes or best friends.

Would you rather have a cat or a dog?  Dog.

Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?  Yes, but just once.

Are you better at grammar or math?  Grammar.

Are you a paranoid person?  A little bit, yeah. I'm a habitual overthinker.

Look out the nearest window. What do you see? The sky, a few trees, a couple of houses.

Has someone betrayed you lately?  It certainly felt that way, lol. My sister and I made plans to watch Seventeen together but then we weren't able to secure tickets during the sale, and then she suddenly sprung on me that she wasn't willing to try getting tickets from resellers anymore. I've been feeling pretty pissed with how fast she was willing to flake on me.

What would you say is your favorite type of flower?  Peonies.

Is there anyone who constantly compliments you?  Not really.

Are you good at expressing your feelings?  Yes I'm generally very honest when it comes to what I'm feeling.

Is there anything you wish you could be doing right now?  Not so much 'what I'm doing,' but I wish I can be in the middle of a long break and not have to worry about going to work soon.

What color are your bed sheets?  Blue.

What are you asking for, for Christmas this year? I would love to get a bunch of reed diffusers and a phone stand for my car this year, hahaha.

When was the last time you went out to eat?  We had lunch outside today.

Do you normally fall asleep fast or slow?  Fast, because I tend to turn in by watching stuff until I feel to sleepy to continue.

Does the majority of your wardrobe consist of jeans or sweatpants?  Jeans. I have like one pair of sweatpants and even that I got as a freebie from work; it's not something I get a lot of.

How many times a day do you brush your teeth?  Twice - start and end of the day.

Do you have a hint of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?  I definitely have a few tendencies. Like going up and down the stairs five times in a row to make sure all the lights downstairs are turned off and all the doors are locked, before going to bed.

Who do you text the most? Work contacts.

What exactly was the last text you sent?  It was thanking a media for joining us for our event yesterday.

Do you ever feel like just laying down and giving up?  Usually on the weekdays if I'm having a difficult time at work. 

Have you ever lied about your age?  LOL once when I was 17 and wanted to try a drink. Then they asked for my ID and couldn't keep up the lie so I ultimately did not get said drink. I don't really have reasons to lie about my age at this point.

Lied about your name? Yeah but it's always just for innocent situations, like wanting to be called a different name for my Starbucks order.