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#also i don't consider what i post on this blog breakdowns anyway
gunsatthaphan · 3 months
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✌🏻✨ ~ 2023 wrap-up ~ ✨✌🏻
another year gone, another post no one asked for djkghdf
I normally don't talk about personal stuff on here but like in the previous year I wanted do a little recap and give shoutouts to some lovely people 🧡
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It hasn't been an easy year for me, I started a new job which has been stressful and annihilated my work-life balance which resulted in me being sick a lot & just being stressed for most of the year lol. I barely found time to maintain this blog which may not seem like it on the outside since I somehow managed to frequently post but it's been difficult. I know I don't have to be online 24/7 but the fear of slipping into irrelevancy due to lack of content remains. I didn't have much time to watch bls & asian shows in general which I still consider my safe space and escapism so I'm resentful that I didn't get to fully take in and enjoy the things I'm passionate about and make content about them like I did in the previous years. That being said thank god for all the weekend shows that I did manage to watch and fully focus on like Only Friends and now Cooking Crush and Cherry Magic. Those have been life savers lol and also thank god for all the talented creators who gave us tons of content; I will mention some of them below.
But aside from my personal schedule and despite not watching a lot of stuff, I still tried to keep an eye on what's going on in the BL world for my monthly breakdowns, which I still enjoy making and I will likely continue them in 2024. I also came to the conclusion that 2023 ended up being another rendition of quantity > quality in the BL-verse so not much has changed lol - not that I expected it to. We got a wild and extended mix of different genres and subgenres this year which was nice to see. We saw companies & actors experimenting a lot (with varying results), we got new ships, new fandoms and new enemies, as well as a variety of comebacks and retirements. My watchlist this year was limited to Thai BLs and my blog mostly consisted of gmmtv related content and like I said, if I had had more time I probably would have explored more different shows - but I eventually resorted to what's familiar. I guess I needed an anchor in midst of all my personal chaos lol.
But despite my short list, there were a few gems that I enjoyed. The big ones like Only Friends, Moonlight Chicken, Be My Favorite, etc., and the small, less popular ones like Be Mine Superstar, Mission Fan Possible and a few more. I enjoyed talking to friends & making content about them in the limited timeframes I had. My opinions mostly matched those of the general public but unfortunately there were a few disappointments that were bathing in a success that I could not wrap my head around - Dangerous Romance and A Boss and a Babe being at the top of that list, followed by La Pluie and also a few of the lakorns I watched. But anyway.
Anyone who knows me knows my blog has been 83% FirstKhao this year lmao, they're my favorite people in this industry and watching them act, interact & making content about them has been one of my highlights. I'm excited to see what 2024 brings for them and even if it's not a series, I'm looking forward to seeing what else they will be up to 🥺 🐈‍⬛ 🐈
I'm going into 2024 with mixed feelings but above all I hope I will get the chance to expand my watchlist a little. I will post a personal top10 of the shows I watched this year shortly; until then I want to talk a bit about some lovely people this year - I’m not good with words lmao but thank you for being you and making this hellsite a better place 🥹 lol.
@leonpob - bestie!!! 🧡 our BL opinions have drifted apart this year lmao but who's to say friendships are solely based on mutual opinions. You're the best, stay the way you are and here's to another year of sharing thoughts and hopefully finding more shows to watch together (no matter if trash or not lol) 😉😘  @mayalunas - ahhhh I loved talking to you sooo so much this year, we agree on so many things that I'm convinced we share the same BL braincells lmao. You're one of my favorite people on this website, thank you for being such a good listener and a positive & supportive person to talk to 🥺 I hope you have the best 2024!!! ily!!! 🧡 @khunvegas - GURL idk where you went this year or if you still exist sdjkds but just know I haven't forgotten about you and I miss our talks 🥺 come back pls thank. @my-wandering-rabbit - I love our random out-of-context talks once a month lmao, I appreciate you and I hope we will continue our ritual of me watching shows and you asking me questions without watching them kjsdhg @bl-recs-and-reviews - Bestie!!! I love our catch-ups on Discord, you were one of the first people I ever talked to like 4 years ago? crazy. look at us. I still love you, you're the sweetest and I love talking to you 🧡🥺 @dreamedofyou - ahh I absolutely love your blog!!! I noticed you a lot in my notifications this year so I wanted to say thank you so much for interacting with my unhinged content (mostly FK related lmao) - We haven't talked a ton but I think of you as a very nice person and I hope we can talk more next year 🥹🫶🏻
and then of course some more shoutouts go out to all the wonderful and talented creators out there; I will never be able to tag all of you so sorry in advance but here are a few that I appreciate, some of which have also mentioned me in their wrap-up posts so thank you for that!!!
@taeminie @seatawinan @loveisactivated @forcebook @jimmysea @guzhu-furen @daymork @itsallaboutbl @seatawinans @blneobin @blmpfff @wanderlust-in-my-soul @pranpat @milkpansa @raypakorn @ahxu-laowen @forcebookish @forcebookcorner @morkofday @chinzillas @seajimmy @dimpledpran @i-got-the-feels @bengiyo @benkaaoi @25shadesoffebruary @moonkhao @smittenskitten @respectthepetty @earthfluuke @pharawee @khaotunq @khaotunqs @pranink @gabrielokun @piningintrovert @zhaozi @markpakin @firstkanaphans @firstforkhao @khaotungsfirst @wen-kexing-apologist @firstkpp @firstmix @bunnakit @khaothanawat @alienwlw @ffirstkhao (I can't tag the last 4 for some reason..)
have the best 2024!!!
🧡🧡🧡
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erinabear · 5 months
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I think
I'm going to get back into blogging. It feels like the right thing to do.
If you had told me when I was 15 that in 15 years I'd be back on tumblr posting about my life at 3 a.m., I'd have called you a fucking liar.
I honestly don't even remember who follows me on here. So, quick life update, I guess?
I now have two cats. I went vegan for four years and now I'm back to an omnivorous diet (Kerrygold Irish butter is the greatest luxury in my life). I've been on strike from my job for over a year now. I dropped out of social work grad school in February and I don't know if I'm going back. I got a part-time job at a bakery in the spring and promptly was fired from that. I have dealt with more emotional chaos in my personal life in the past two years than maybe for all of the rest of my twenties combined.
Now, there are good things. My cats are still the best, I've never liked myself more, I'm a better friend, I have found myself the loveliest little community in my city, I'm out as bisexual and dating women for the first time, I live alone in a huge apartment, I wore a string bikini for the first time this summer, I just bought a ukulele, and I started getting back into learning embroidery. I haven't had a bipolar episode since summer 2022.
All things considered, I kind of constantly feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown, and I've been self-medicating with weed and alcohol. It feels like it's time for a change and to dig myself out of the mental mess I've gotten myself into.
I'm posting here as accountability, partly, and also because I miss just writing for writing's sake. I'm trying to start small -- moving my mental energy from Instagram (which is so bad for my body dysmorphia, holy shit) to this website and making daily and weekly chore lists to (mostly) follow so I can be a little bit less of a slob in my day to day life.
Maybe I'm projecting because of what I'm doing here, but it feels like social media is kind of collapsing alongside the rest of society, and I have this hope that remnants of the old internet will return -- people splintering off into their own niche interest groups and forming communities that way.
Anyway, all of this is to say: I'm 30 years old and I've completely lost the plot. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing anymore. I don't think I ever really did. And yes, I'm gonna get all astrological in this space -- it's not lost on me that I'm in the middle of my Saturn return. Transformation, big life changes, sometimes chaos and struggle, becoming who you're meant to be. Things won't be like this forever. I hope.
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天涯海角; Worlds Away
This summer, I'm going to Taiwan for 10 weeks (or just over that) to learn Chinese. It's the first time in my life I'm studying abroad, and so I'm going to keep a blog (another first!)
I want to remember how I felt during the trip, good and bad--hopefully mostly good! To be honest, I'm nervous; ten weeks is a long time, especially when my language skills are only a few lessons past "hello, how are you, the weather in California is better than in New York." But I guess that's why I'm going anyways. There were all these concerns I had before (and after) I decided to do it. (One: I'm not really doing any professional development. What if this ruins my career? Two: What if one week in I totally hate it? Three: What if one week in everyone else hates me? etc. etc. ad infinitum) But I have to remember: this is going to be fun. No matter what it will be an amazing experience. And even if it's miserable, what I always say: one day, this will make for a great chapter in the memoir.
(Or now: a great post on the blog. Doesn't have the same feeling to it though, does it?)
I'm also going to bring my 35mm camera along with me (it's just a little Kodak M35, but I do love that little guy). I hope I can take some great pics! There's already so many things I want to see and do. I have to get more rolls of film, though, and it's pretty pricy. Oh well--I'm trying to get over my hang-ups on spending any amount of money on my hobby.
There's still a lot of work left before I take off--I still have to write all of my final papers. :') Those warrant their own anxious breakdowns, but I'll spare you (aka future me) from reading them. Remember: just have to finish it, and then I should clear my head of everything but bubble tea and beef noodle soup (oh, and learning the language, I guess). And who knows, looking back maybe I'll really learn something cool, do something I'm proud of. Or even if I don't that's okay. I should be a little more tender, a little more gentle with myself.
(Because I know: this intensive Chinese class will be ego-obliterating enough as it is.)
Alright, enough for now--it's still more than a month before my (long, long, long) flight. I'll end with a 成語 (chéngyǔ) -- a four character idiom. (Maybe this would be a cool way to end all the posts? Hm.) Here's one that seems apropo, considering:
天涯海角 (tiān yá hǎi jiǎo) - the ends of the earth, worlds away
See you on the other end of the earth, future me.
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roci-wolf · 1 year
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∘°∘♡∘°∘
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I've figured it would be nice to say some things about myself just to give an overall idea of who's messing around on this blog.
First of all, I don't have that much to say about myself. Hah.
The end.
Joking.
I'm 20 and I have severe anxiety, so I've lived most of my teen years in survival mode, wasting precious time instead of trying to discover who is the crazy individual that's maneuvering the strings in my brain. So let's say my journey started only just recently.
・❥・call me Roci or Sana! both nicknames are derived from my real name
・❥・  she\her
・❥・  scorpio ♏️
・❥・ november baby 🍁
・❥・  MBTI is INFP
・❥・ no, I'm not a crybaby.
・❥・  guess which one of these ^ is the lie
・❥・  i used to watch a lot of animes but not that much lately
・❥・  i love cats. my cat and my besties are the most treasured beings for me in my life
・❥・  i consider myself a multistan! skz and enha are my ult groups, and i also follow txt here and there. minho is my ult bias! chan and jisung are part of my skz bias line and jake, heeseung and sunghoon in enha :) i can't choose a bias in txt 😭 IT’S SO HARD. 
・❥・  i listen to a lot of other kpop groups, especially 4th gen, but i don't follow them that closely
I'm an English literature and linguistics major and I have Spanish as my minor so yeah, I have a lot to do in uni so that's why I'm not present that much in here. That, and I have a little demon on my left shoulder screaming "THAT PERSON THINKS YOU'RE A DUMBASS", each time I'm reblogging a fic I love or I just... comment on posts. But it's ok, I started to flick his head every time he does that. I discovered that he can, in fact, be tamed.
I love art. Everything about art. Sculptures, paintings, writing, even the pretty moodboards on tumblr, I love everything created from pure passion. I also love to overthink and analyse the person behind the work based on what I'm seeing. It may seem odd, ik, but I love to see how someone's soul is somehow presented in their creation. Yes, even in smut, even that can say something about a person.
I also paint traditionally. I used to do it a lot when I was younger, then I gave up and I started doing it again recently. It helps when you have a mental breakdown because of uni haha. I also had a phase when I was making a looot of origamis, mostly made with origami pieces, if you know what I mean? Anyway, I gave up on that too, the origamis on my mom's shelves started to pile up lol now they catch a lot of dust and it's troublesome to clean with them there.
I love the universe. I don't know as much as I wish I would about it because I still struggle with everyday life and I don't have the energy to learn about something different than my major now, but sometimes I search random facts about the universe. I love to be reminded that I'm just a little and irrelevant ant in a big and vast Cosmos. 
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rachelspriv · 3 years
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denormalise liveblogging your breakdown. in case you go “isn’t that what this blog is for?” let me explain. don’t liveblog on a blog where people actually KNOW you. this blog, no one knows me. no one even follows me. if i do get a following of people who actually consistently interact with my posts, and i can identify who are those followers who are consistently interacting with me, and it begins to feel like there’s some sort of connection, i’m deleting. it’s unhealthy to liveblog your breakdown to people who’ll actually see it. it’s unhealthy for you because you don’t get to deal with this in private, and it’s unfair to other people if they feel like they have to help you so you don’t think nobody cares about you. it’s unfair to other people to force your followers to witness your breakdown. if you’re having a breakdown, do not liveblog it to your followers. if you need to talk about it, keep a diary (what this blog essentially is). ask a friend if they are willing to listen to it, and make it clear that they’re allowed to say no (going “hey can i vent�� and waiting for a response is a good way to do this). and if they do give you advice, consider it! even if you don’t like it! sometimes you need to do things you don’t like! and if they go “i can’t help you out any further”, let them stop! your mental health is your responsibility, not theirs.
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cappymightwrite · 2 years
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Loved you breakdown of Sansa’s future. I also think that both Bran and Sansa can’t be childless. That’s just way too much instability in a realm with multiple succession crisis leading up to this point. The lords will want/demand, some kind of stable plan for the future after everything.
(post being referenced)
Thanks! 😍
I suppose I just think the promise of a new generation, of life continuing in spite of the death that preceded it, fits in well with what I understand 'a dream of spring' to be. So, certainly, for me, Sansa is very much intrinsic to that. Though, of course, I completely understand the uncomfortableness around that discussion, but it's important to consider that what we prefer and what might happen aren't necessarily going to be one in the same... and pointing out the foreshadowing for the latter, however enthusiastically, does not always equate to the former. But when in doubt, politely asking for clarification on someone's opinion is always a good practice, I'd say.
But anyway, yes, I agree with you on Sansa and the fate of the North, and my preference would be that occuring in an epilogue and/or when she's an adult. With regards to Bran, however... the thing with Bran is presumably he's going to be elected king, which raises a few questions. So, with that in mind, it might be that the person who follows Bran is likewise elected to kingship/queenship. @agentrouka-blog has talked about the possibility of a Great Council at Harrenhal, and building on that it could be interesting if we get a council of nobles that somewhat mirrors the Anglo-Saxon 'Witan.'
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(A King with his Witan, Old English Hexateuch, 11th century)
The Witan, which literally translates to 'wise men,' was composed of leading magnates, both ecclesiastic (senior clergy) and secular (noblemen, e.g. ealdormen + thegns). It had the primary function of advising the king on subjects such as:
Promulgation of laws
Judicial judgments
Approval of charters transferring land
Settlement of disputes
Election of archbishops and bishops
Other matters of major national importance
Now, you could say this is comparable to what we already find in Westeros with the small council. However, the key difference is that the Witan also had the authority to elect and approve the appointment of a new king. An example of this is the acension of King Alfred to the throne of Wessex, which he inherited from his brother, Æthelred. Alfred succeeded as the only adult contender, setting aside Æthelred´s infant sons. It´s still keeping things in the family, I'll admit, yet it still nonetheless highlights the administrative power of the Witan to set aside direct heirs in favour of someone else.
If we apply that to whoever might succeed Bran, it could be that his ´Witan´ goes with a relative, either a child of Bran´s (though the show eliminated that possibility) or a niece/nephew... or this new institution could be even more radical and choose a successor based on merit, bringing things closer to a democracy. Maybe that does make things less stable than simply following a patrilineal succession... but then again, the old way of things had it problems too. So, I don't think Bran has to have children, because the fundamental question still kind of remains... why Bran? If we're keeping things patrilineal, why not a legitimised Baratheon, such as Edric Storm? Why elect someone, from a family unconnected to the previous royal dynasties, only to then revert back to the old way of doing things? That's my sticking point... the election of a king, specifically Bran, feels like a radical, fairly democratic act, and I think it should have some impact on the institution of kingship in Westeros (or whatever combo of kingdoms he governs) moving forward.
Thanks for the ask! 😄
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grimmradiance · 2 years
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(Editing mod here: this post wandered off into chatter about deities in the Fire Emblem series and an irl goddess who got treatment that rings like Radi to me. It's not super duper relevant unless you're hella interested, so I've marked it off with asterisks so you can skip it if you like.)
You know I never actually explained how I think Grimm and Radi relate to each other. I know two popular interpretations are sibling-deities or dual dream deities that had a fight and Grimm got evicted for being Grimm. Mine is sort of...both? And neither.
*
Lemme just explain it by comparing it to a canonical example of the same thing (which probably maybe two people who follow this blog will recognize lol): the deity Ashunera from the two games in the Radiance part of Fire Emblem. (It's got several very loosely related worlds across the series; the two Radiance games are standalone from everything else. They're the ones with Ike if you know Smash Bros.)
ANYWAYS the point I'm trying to make here is that In The Beginning™™™ there was Ashunera, the mother goddess, who gave shape to the world and gave it life and light and all that. Upon seeing that her children had invented war and were murdering each other, she had a mental breakdown and nearly flooded the entire world. (Yes, it's very Genesis.)
She, being possessed of a love of order and peace, decided the best way to keep this from happening again was to ball up all her emotions and instincts into a seperate deity, seal the resultant chaos entity Yune away and fuck off to take a nap for a thousand years, essentially saying "don't you DARE wake me up by fighting a war." That gives us Ashera, a fundamentally neutral deity of order who hates war, and accidentally and/or vengefully fucks over most of the population of the world when she's woken up early by a massive war.
If you play this off with the fact that the name Ashera(h) is thought to (at least in Hebrew) refer to a female counterpart to Yahweh, who was systematically erased from the record by sociopolitical movements deeming polytheism heresy, translating the Hebrew Asherah to "tree" or similar, and Christianity Being Historically Like That...well, for me, the parallels write themselves. I already associate the anthropological evidence for Asherah with the Radiance anyways, because Asherah is considered to be at least loosely syncretic with several other goddesses, much like Radi seems to appear in the religions of other cultures aside from moths.
*
Anyways, this got rambly, but. In my head, Radiance and Grimm were once the same deity. One of light, warmth, imagination, time, and spirituality, in my head. At some point, something happened, said deity had a Moment, and yeeted their emotions and impulsive nature into a seperate moth. This leaves us with the deities we have now. Radiance, the Light, all-consuming like the sun, deity of branching paths returning to a central home and things that last forever. Grimm, the Flame, subtle and pernicious and transient, deity of things coming to their rightful ends, of breaking rules and blazing paths anew and self-determination. The fact that Grimm got syncretized with nightmares is a later addition, partially due to the distinct seperation between his dreaming and waking selves, and partially due to moths seeming to have a collectivist culture, where too much individualism can be scary and dangerous because it puts everyone at risk.
(Bonus: theory crafting of what that deity was called? The word "radiance" has dubious origins; you can follow the etymology back as far as "radius" being used as a noun to refer to wheelspokes and walking sticks and things like that. The word "grim" actually traces back to a Proto-Indo-European word referring to anger or thunderous noises--which, if I'm interpreting this etymology article correctly, means that comparing Grimm to a ridiculous number of mythological figures scans. Which means that they also scan seperately as light and dark deities by etymological roots!
And apparently "dream" referred to merriment or imagination and to things that happen when one sleeps by completely seperate paths. Huh.
Anyways, attempting to keep with the moth deities having dignified names that are still single common words, a few ideas for the pre-split deity..... I'm thinking either Somnolence or Effulgence.)
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Hi! I found your Dragon Age fanfictions on Ao3 and love them and sometimes check your blog too but don't have tumblr. What is this whole controversy about being 30 and liking Cullen being wrong? I feel like I'm missing something. Anyway, I'm 32, married, expecting twins and never felt too old for Bioware games. WTF
Hi there, thank you for the support, it means a lot! And congrats! :D
Well, to make a long story somewhat short, recently a video circulated on tumblr from TikTok, one of those “what your favorite X says about you” videos that’s pretty common on the platform, if a bit overdone. This one was a “What your Favorite Dragon Age romance says about you.” Some jokes I’ll admit I found somewhat funny, others just made no sense. (Someone explain how liking Isabela gives you “mommy issues,” I still don’t get that.)
However, what was most egregious to many, myself included, was what this person said about Cullen romancers. According to this person, all Cullen fans are “thirty year old white moms” who are “creepy,” and “Cullen won’t save our failing marriage,” and we need to “go back to making our kids chicken nuggets.”
So, various bloggers broke down what was wrong with this, other than the fact that’s it’s just plain not correct about Cullen fans (Hi there everyone, in case you didn’t know, I’m very Polynesian and a huge Cullen fan, also not a mom yet, though I would like to be one someday. :) )But the breakdown of why these statements are problematic is as follows (under the cut for length):
1. The comments were ageist. The TikToker wielded “thirty year old white mom” like it’s some sort of insult.  There is literally nothing wrong with enjoying a game at thirty, literally nothing wrong with being a mom and enjoying a game. I have news for everyone: when you have kids your life or personality outside of being a Mom doesn’t end. To this end, the comments came across as gatekeep-y.
2. The comments were also misogynistic. A woman in the kitchen joke… in 2020. Not only that, but related to the above, it implies that women can’t have hobbies outside of being a mom when they turn a certain age, and do you see the same thing being said about men and their sports teams, or fantasy football? I don’t know why it’s viewed as cringey to be a part of fandom when you’re an adult woman but dudes can still collect their Star Wars memorabilia into their thirties and beyond. Especially when:
3. Dragon Age is rated mature, and it’s always had the M rating even when it was just Origins. This is a game for adult audiences. If you’re engaging with the media online, I am going to assume you’re an adult. Not only that, this is an eleven year old franchise. People who played the games in 2009 can still enjoy them even if some of them have had kids during this eleven year period.
4. Related to that: most, if not all the developers, I’d imagine, are probably over 30. Should they stop making the games for us and make their kids chicken nuggets instead? Is this why we don’t have DA4?!
5. Cullen’s exact age is unclear from canon, he was probably around 18 in Origins, but there’s no way he’s not under thirty come Inquisition. A thirty-year-old crushing on another thirty year old is creepy because…?
6. I haven’t seen others mention this, but it’s something I gathered. To me, the video subtly implied the TikToker’s view that women need to settle down by the time their thirty with kids, which is pretty heteronormative IMO. I’m just not here for that you’re thirty you need settle down BS. I’m 26 and I get crap for being single, which is a whole other pile of BS I won’t get into here. I would like to someday, but there is nothing wrong with being 30 or above and single with no kids. No one has to “settle down” if they don’t want to, there’s no age where you have to “grow up” and stop engaging with things you enjoy.
Being involved in a few different fandoms I don’t see all the discourse but I did happen to see this, and as I said earlier I do not think the person who made the video meant any real harm. I understand the intent was to joke, but people can harm others under the guise of “jokes” all the time. I can tell you in my life, people have “joked” with me about needing to put on a grass skirt and dance the hula, and not understood why I’ve been offended because they just meant to be funny. Casual racism isn’t funny and neither is casual misogyny or ageism.
It was also discouraging to see people on the tik toker’s video laughing at the Cullen joke for being true, as apparently we need to “find a better romance.” And this lead me to say something in a post which I’ll repeat here, as this video managed to trudge up the same old discourse I’ve seen periodically on tumblr about Cullen since I’ve been here in 2017, and mind you, I started writing/tumblr THREE YEARS after Inquisition’s release: that all his fans are boring, basic, idiot women who just like him because he’s traditionally handsome and we just ignore his flaws in favor of his looks, and also he’s just the basic white guy in a slew of “more interesting” romances. Heck, early in this blog’s creation, I could see discourse within Cullen fandom about the “right” way to portray him. (I won’t get into this right now though, it’s a whole other kettle of fish, and this is a pretty nuanced topic in an already nuanced topic.) Speaking for myself, I actually don’t gravitate towards pretty boys. Cullen won me over with his mature romance route. And I like his arc in Inquisition and think it’s a good redemption-esque arc considering this franchise has a lot of characters to develop— but that’s another story as well.
Anyway, I digress. To me the post was less about Cullen and more about “older women” in fandom and how to some find older women here creepy. (and I’m sorry but if you think 30 is “old” I have to laugh.) Also, I have a secret for you: “older” women built fandom spaces as we know it, and we owe a lot of debt to those who paved the way for us to enjoy content, from the early days of the Star Trek fandom, and even before with fan zines.
Fandom is for everyone, and can we stop trying to box people who like A, B or C into certain categories, because your choices in a fictional game don’t speak for who you are in real life.
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deathlybetrayal-vt · 4 years
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We're only warning your girlfriend and the "little friends you have left" (if you even have any lol) about the things you are capable of. You labeled someone you considered an idol a child abuser. You manipulated People. You abused people. you made people uncomfortable. You harrassed people and you also talked shit behind everyone's backs! And don't blame us that we "took away your girlfriend and your only friends left" because it'll be your fault in the end. Stop crying. Grow up. And fuck off.
"Warning my girlfriend and friends because of the things IM CAPABLE OF?"
Listen. Yes I did bad stuff... BUT IT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HARRASS THEM AND MAKE THEM WORRY ABOUT ME. IT DOESN'T PERIOD. And to be honest. It doesn't Excuse my behavior and I admit full responsibility for what I've done . But I know my intentions the entire time wasn't to be malicious and ruin someone's reputation. (To those who I hurt. Please read this. Please understand I never meant to hurt you but please please let me tell you everything and please just listen.)
I know I manipulated,guilt-tripped,abused and... Made People uncomfortable but did I know I was doing that? I actually didn't know I was. I really didn't. In the beginning. I was friends with Channy, her and I used to RP and like we used to talk all the time sometimes and then it suddenly stopped a bit and I was worried. Did I do something wrong? I even told her before when I became friends with her. To tell me if I'm doing something wrong or making her uncomfortable. She didn't tell me anything and whenever I had a breakdown. I wanted to kill myself and I didn't mean to guilt trip her. I wanted to kill myself because of her, and I said that but... I also said that to others. But really I didn't mean it. I should've said it, but it was because I have so many issues of.... Family abuse and neglection I was clingy to not just her but others I talked to. I was just...very upset. It doesn't Excuse my behavior but at least it explains it. BUT. It wasn't okay of me to do. But also even before I did that shit. once she started to stop talking to me all together and only talk to me once in a blue moon. I was starting to worry. Not about me just y'know making her feel uncomfortable and bad but also I was genuinely worried. I tried talking to her because I wanted to not only fix the friendship. But also be on good and okay terms with her but also because I actually cared about her. I was stupid back then. And I know the many chances or..."chances" I got—Didn't really feel like it. But it led me to actually feeling like I didn't really fix shit at all. It's why I'm so desperate then and even now to actually finally fix shit. I tried so many times. So that maybe I could be close again but not have problems. But also I was impatient but also I felt like I was being left out sometimes. Even when I tried to stick to asks and just posting gifts for her. I felt like I was being ignored. And I started to talk to other people who were friends with her that I also was friends with or became friends with, to get her to talk to me about it and finally sort things out. But I also didn't know I was making people uncomfortable. I kept wondering did I deserve not.to...have the chance to finally sort things out? I even kept asking people. I even kept asking them to tell her I sent her asks and even I made her gifts and posted it on my blog..but I actually really didn't know I was making those people uncomfortable and I didn't know I was being manipulative, abusive, guilt-tripping or even turning people against Channy and I didn't know I was making Channy out to be a child abuser who abused me.
I didn't mean to talk shit about Channy behind her back at all. All I wanted to do was just talk and finally sort things out and I just want to follow her but also her friend's blogs again at least. That's what I want now and still will want. I just felt like I was being unfairly treated. I felt like I was being mistreated. But I NEVER wanted to make people think she was a child abuser. I just wanted to talk. I really did. But the way I behaved...and everything doesn't excuse what I did. But it explained why I behaved that way but it wasn't okay. But all I want now is just a REAL CHANCE
To start over and just be on good terms with them again. I really do. And I wish I can just talk to them privately without getting blocked or even without having people talk to them for me because I WANT to talk to them but how can I if I'm blocked? How can I even? EVEN if I were to make a different account and talk to them like they say I could do but just block me anyway and not allow me to talk? I just want to finally sort things out and follow them all again so that not only me but they can stop getting more backlash from anons because of this drama. This drama I started that I didn't mean to start at all but did it anyway. I didn't mean to start this entire drama. I admit full responsibility for starting it but I just want you all to know it was never my intention to start the drama and it was never my intention to come off the way I did to them. I was just really desperate in wanting to actually talk things out and I still do. I am very sorry for what I've done. I really am. I want forgiveness and another chance. Please. I really want to be forgiven and have another chance because not only do they mean a lot to me but I also want to move on from this drama by resolving and being good with them again.
And I want you guys to read the doc I made that also explains my part of the story even though it may sound like I'm a victim in what I say in the doc. It doesn't mean at all to me about being a victim in this situation. I'm not the victim. I never was. And never will be in this situation. I'm sorry for what I have done but I do want to be forgiven and have another chance. I really do. So please forgive me and give me that chance. I will make sure not to fuck up. I won't. And I promise I won't. The doc will be linked below but. Please know that at least it explains my side of the story but please don't say I'm a victim. Because I'm not. And I have to "grow up" by admitting what I have done.
Document link
But also the things if you guys are confused about me admitting truth to I explain that here also, if you're thinking I was Smolra D. Yes. But I wasn't the REAL Smolra D. I was forced to send mean Anon asks. And that part was actually true. I was actually forced to make an account and act like them. I didn't want to but they had threatened my personal information and had threatened to show explicit stuff about me to the ones I hurt. And. I'm sorry for doing what that scumbag wanted me to do. I am very sorry.
I am very very sorry and I mean it.
I really want to prove to you all that I changed myself for them but also for myself and I want to prove that I have changed and improved. I want another chance and I want forgiveness. If you guys who I hurt are reading this. Please let me prove to you that I actually have changed and then if you really think I have changed then please give me another chance and forgive me. Because that's all I want. I really want another chance and forgiveness from you all and I want to start over and be good with each other.
Please. All of you even the ones I want to fix things with, please forgive me and give me another chance to start over with all of you.
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Just a heads up, if you're having surgery soon, please don't read this post. Think about happier things, they'll do a lot more for you. I'll try to take my own advice. But seriously, this is a trigger warning if you have any kind of surgery coming up, please be careful and respectful of your mental health.
So I’ve been feeling really uneasy with the steadily growing approach of my surgery and I thought I might as well talk a little on here about it since my therapist fucked up and mis-scheduled (why is that not a word?? It should be) our appointment… so instead of both Mondays before my surgery, I only get one and that is Not enough. All of my previous surgeries have taken place while I was too young to even remember, so going in for a surgery is a new experience for me. Honestly, it would be much easier for me to handle if I weren’t feeling as decent as I am physically. Not really right now however, my stomach is hurting a bit but that’s a different explanation for a different time… Anyways, let’s get into what I’m terrified of about this surgery. I’m going to be willingly given drugs that basically shut my body off to the point where I can’t even breathe on my own, and go into a procedure where something could easily go different or wrong and I won’t even know anything until likely hours after I wake up, if I wake up. If that doesn’t sound horrifying enough, keep reading, there’s more! I’m also willingly allowing myself to start back basically at square one with recovery, and go through who knows how many days or weeks or maybe even months of pain that can only be fixed with more drugs that don’t work too well on me since I was on them practically every day for pain for months because the doctors were fucking idiots and waited that long before we went to a different hospital to actually get help. This is my last week and a half to do what I can while I still can, and that’s been so hard for me to deal with considering I want to do absolutely everything. I hate being dependent on other people now, I would rather do most things myself, so the fact that I’m going to go back to depending on people to help me stand up and sit down and take a shower and get dressed… just kill me now. And I’m going to have another scar! Perfect, just what I need! Would this be the 4th in my stomach? I believe so. It’s hard to tell, two are either very close together or they’re the same scar, I don’t know. I’m going to be subjected to spending hours alone with my parents with no escape… should be fun… Can’t wait… I’m never coherent to the fact that I’m at the hospital and I’m going to be put under anesthesia (I’ve been under anesthesia before, but the other times were for minor things), and it always hits me at the worst time while I’m there, and then everything goes too fast for me to comprehend correctly… So that’s probably going to happen for this, and it might be an even bigger mental breakdown once I wake up from my trance and realize all the stuff I’ve previously stated in this post. The thing that scares me the most though is the fact that once I get that anesthesia, I’m in complete control of the doctors and my parents’ decision if something goes wrong or they find something they weren’t expecting… that’s just terrifying. My parents and the doctors could make decisions for me that affect the rest of my life and I won’t know or understand until I’m stable enough to… I’m sure that would terrify anyone. There’s definitely more, but I’ve already been writing for 40 minutes, I need to stop. I just wanted to get this stuff out because I couldn’t say it at my therapy appointment I didn’t have yesterday. I would rather be someone else right now, or for time to just stop for another month. It’s all moving too fast and I don’t have time to do enough things… I’m sorry this post was so dark compared to my other ones, but please understand that I’ve been repressing these thoughts for too long and it’s unhealthy, so I had to get them out. This blog is to make others feel not so alone, so maybe it’ll help someone to see that someone else has these same thoughts. I know it’s going to be okay, I’m going to be okay, and these thoughts are just in the way of letting me enjoy my last week of “freedom” for a bit. That’s why I’m acknowledging them on here. Hopefully I can try to put them aside now. Thanks for reading. Stay safe
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seyaryminamoto · 7 years
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While I agree that I would've loved to see Zuko and Azula get along more, and I still do want that, but honestly, I don't think that anyone will disagree that Azula's behavior was far worse when she got older. This isn't me ripping on her, because I really do love her, but Ozai corrupted almost any good that she had in her. At that point in time, I agreed with Iroh. She needed to go down. I still have some hope for her redemption, but she was a danger, and needed to be stopped at that time.
PSA: THIS IS A RANT THAT CRITICIZES FANDOM BELOVED CHARACTERS. NOT BECAUSE I’M RANTING ABOUT IT DOES IT MEAN YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO LOVE THEM. THIS IS NOT A BLOG FOR PROMOTION OF NON-PROBLEMATIC CONTENT, NEVER HAS BEEN NEVER WILL BE. I AM NOT PRETENDING MY FAVES ARE BETTER HUMAN BEINGS THAN YOURS. OKAY? OKAY. CARRY ON.
… Actually, I think literally everyone I know disagrees? o_O
I mean, it’s 11-year-old Azula who celebrates Zuko getting burned (for whatever her reasons, it’s very debated, as you might know). 14-year-old Azula doesn’t thrive in Zuko’s pain until her breakdown, which I THINK everyone acknowledges as her not-normal status, where she basically wants revenge for Zuko “stealing” everything she thought was rightfully hers. So, in regards of “basking in suffering”? There’s literally no solid evidence for it when she’s older, which is why everyone uses the Agni Kai as evidence to call her a sadist and then have no other examples for it. Azula has lots of chances to put people through worlds of pain if she feels like it, but she never takes them. Even after taking Zuko captive in the Crossroads of Destiny, she inflicts ZERO damage on him. So? Is she really worse at 14 than she was at 11?
Throughout Book 2 she tries to capture Zuko and Iroh, never kill them. Back when she was 9, she was amused by the idea of Zuko getting adopted by an Earth Kingdom family while at 14 she’s offering him the chance to come home. I’d think there’s a difference, and not quite a negative one. Even if “the redemption she offered was not for him”, it’s still Azula giving Zuko a chance to return to his family and homeland, as fucked-up a family as it may be, instead of thinking it’s hella fun for Zuko to live like a peasant and be cut off from his family and everything he knows. Again, I don’t see how she’s worse at 14.
Though I’ll say, just in case, that if you’re one of those people who think she could see the future and somehow predicted that Aang wouldn’t die because Katara had magic water (for the billionth time, she had no realistic way of knowing this, and this is the only reason why she could have suspected Aang would survive because it’s the only reason why Zuko suspected it in the first place), if you think that she planned everything ahead long before the turtle-duck pond scene, then I don’t think we’ll see eye to eye in many regards, if any at all…
If you’re also thinking about how she burns Iroh in The Chase, as most her actions in Books 2 and 3, she was doing it for a purpose. She needed to escape, Iroh’s the one that got distracted. If anyone else had been distracted instead, she would have gone for them instead, I’m sure of it.
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, BECAUSE I JUST KNOW IT WENT FORGOTTEN:
Iroh escaped violently too back in Book 1 from a group of Earth Kingdom soldiers who had rightfully taken him prisoner when he had his guard down. I don’t see the difference between either situation. If Iroh and Zuko get to team up, burn and crush five Earth Kingdom men (who may just have had good reasons to despise Iroh for his siege to Ba Sing Se, just like Iroh and Zuko had good reasons to run away from Azula), why the heck is it such a horrible crime when Azula did it? Is it because she did it to a named, beloved character but when Iroh did it, it was to a random Earth Kingdom soldier?
Just to remind you, since this is an old episode people tend to forget, at one point Iroh even set up a trap so a soldier would “tighten his shackles”, overheated his left shackle and burned the guy’s hand, AND KEPT HIS HAND PRESSED TO THE SHACKLE, BTW, to make sure he got burned! Afterwards, shoots a lot of fire at an ostrich horse so he can cause a distraction and escape, but he fails anyways and that’s when the soldiers decide he’s too dangerous as he is. Now, how is his course of action any different from what Azula did to him and to the Gaang? How aren’t we having discussions on how awful Iroh’s actions are, but this is ALWAYS an argument people bring up to say Azula is awful…?
My opinion? We should start measuring characters with the same scale, same measure tape. If this is something we forgive of Iroh’s, then it makes no sense for it to be something we can’t forgive of Azula’s. All it really means is people are less willing to forgive her than they are to forgive him.
After all this evidence, I don’t think she got any worse with age, nor do I think that at 14 she’s a worse person than a lot of people the Gaang met. I mean, I really don’t know where you’re getting that idea about her being worse when she’s older… I mean, what, she’s better at manipulation? She’s more efficient about the things she does? She’s more goal-oriented? 9yo Azula literally talks about her grandfather and uncle dying as casually as can be, I see no such behavior in 14yo Azula until her breakdown, which is the only point where she starts wanting Zuko dead (given how frustrated Zuko is when Azula doesn’t plummet to death, though, I don’t think she’s the only one who wanted to be an only child).
Long story short, Anon, I see no excuse for Iroh’s comment. Especially when you see him dismissing and treating Azula as less important than Zuko from as early as in picking out presents for his niece and nephew. I see no excuse for Iroh trying to spare his own potentially conflicted feelings when it comes to fighting his own brother, who is WORSE than Azula, while having groomed Zuko perfectly into being ready to fight his sister 24/7. 
She was a hazard and needs to be stopped is an argument I’ve seen used countless times to justify Iroh and Zuko being merciless towards her, btw. May I remind you, though… both Zuko and Iroh end up as her prisoners at different points in time. Then she takes them home, mission accomplished. That’s it. That’s what she did to them at the time. That’s what her threat amounted to. Zuko goes unharmed altogether. Iroh gets treated worse by the creep-ass Warden than he does by Azula. So, she was a hazard? She was a problem? She needed to be stopped? Uh, let me translate that: she was their foil, she was on a mission that they needed to keep her from fulfilling. Just as Azula was a danger to them, Zuko was a danger to Aang in Book 1 (and still part of Book 2). Why doesn’t anyone ever claim he needs to be stopped, that he’s a menace, that he’s a terrible person for all that? It doesn’t happen in-story, ever. When Katara is being super distrustful of him in Book 3, she’s framed as in the wrong about him and takes aaaaaaaaaaall of it back before long. So, why the double standard? Is it because Zuko’s not as effective as his sister? Because his persistence is apparently a good trait, but in Azula it’s the mark of evil?
Really, stop to look at Azula’s POV for a while. Watch the show from where she’s standing. Literally, her every action from Book 2 to 3 (until her breakdown) has a reason, she doesn’t do anything for free. Even her threat to Ty Lee, horrible as it was, came from her deciding to change her tactics and settling on Ty Lee and Mai as her new companions. It proves she’s not going to stop at anything, yes, but she had a purpose. Ty Lee would have stayed happy, unthreatened, in her circus, if only Ozai didn’t tell Azula to find and bring Iroh and Zuko home. It’s because of her mission that Azula drags her out of there. EVERYTHING she does is because of the mission in Book 2. By Book 3, it’s about keeping the Fire Nation on top, and about defeating the threats against it. She literally lets the Gaang get away when she could have chased after them on that blimp she was on at the end of the episode, maybe attacked them from it (especially since Appa was carrying too many people and wouldn’t fly too far like that). She chooses not to, because the battle is over. She won. Why would she need to do anything else? 
Also, literally none of the adults who were taken prisoners look harmed, so the Fire Nation didn’t treat them poorly. Hell, Hakoda is HEALED from his injury when we see him again in the Boiling Rock. Sooooo, how damn horrible it is to lose against Azula, isn’t it? Who has EVER seen a more dangerous villain?!?!?! I mean, ffs, let’s be objective here, shall we? Zhao was way worse to Zuko and to his prisoners than Azula was. Long Feng was a literal brainwasher. By violence measurements and cruelty, she’s a n00b compared to them.
Long story short, if the problem is Azula is too effective a villain without that much violence, and that’s why she has to stop, well, it ain’t her fault her enemies aren’t as competent as she is. I don’t see how she’s morally worse than anyone else they fought, tbh she’s not, because she does offer Zuko kindness plenty of times. Yet she gets treated like the biggest problem ever by the characters and fandom alike.
And really, I think we both got extremely sidetracked from the point of the post that caused you to send this ask. Point is, Iroh doesn’t want Zuko and Azula getting along. Iroh doesn’t ever consider that maybe he can guide Azula into a better path if it was possible with Zuko. Iroh doesn’t ever think that maybe he can help her get out of Ozai’s influence. To him, she’s a lost case, and worse than that, she’s barely family (NEVER does he refer to her as such). To him, she’s the biggest rival he ever faces in the show because, as the show proved, Azula can make Zuko drift away from him. So, Mr. Nice Wise Guy never tried to get along with his niece and basically marked her as unforgivable for as long as she was a threat to his influence on Zuko. Ursa was a nasty mother to Azula and we literally have no proof of her loving Azula, but she didn’t want her children to be enemies. Ozai and Iroh literally turn Azula and Zuko against each other. Can we just accept that Iroh isn’t all that blameless? Why do we need to excuse him and pretend he had every right to behave like this 14yo girl was Vaatu incarnate when the show itself proves she’s NOT?
Seriously though. Iroh is not perfect. What’s so hard about admitting this? Why can’t we accept that he’s not all wisdom? That he never tried to help Azula? That he never wanted Zuko and Azula to get along? That he literally was counting on breaking Zuko away from his other relatives so he’d come to him, and him alone? I’m not saying that Azula and Ozai were good influences on Zuko, because they weren’t, but Zuko used to care about his father. He used to think he should get along with his sister. 
Wouldn’t it be EXTRA meaningful if Zuko had still felt that it was somehow wrong to fight his family, even though he knew it was the only thing he could do, instead of being murder-happy towards Aang while telling him his father HAD TO DIE? Wouldn’t it be better if Iroh had actually tried to reach Azula, but she just swatted him off because she’s not interested in what he’s selling? Wouldn’t it mean something huge for his character if Zuko’s attempt to reconnect with the good in his family had actually meant reconnecting his family to GOODNESS, instead of just worrying about his personal needs during The Search, WHICH IS ALL HE DID???
No. Instead, we get both Zuko and Iroh concluding that their respective siblings need to be ended. If you find nothing worth complaining about in those regards, that’s your problem, but I don’t have to like it. And I don’t have to think they’re heroic or right to think the way they do. Azula is no angel, neither are they. Zuko would be a far more moving character for me if he actually had shown he gave a damn about his sister, but he NEVER DID. 
Because really, every single time you see those asks going around? It’s “Do you guys REALLY think Azula cared about Zuko?” Ask yourself if Big Brother Zuzu cared about Azula instead, for a change. And FYI, if you conclude that he didn’t love her at all, that doesn’t mean you can’t love him. You can. Just, be aware of the fact that he’s no beacon of perfect goodness, that he’s got a lot of areas to improve on, and just like him, Iroh does. I find it beyond unfair that a man who literally redeemed himself at well past 50 years of age decided that his teenage niece is beyond saving. 
So, anon, be objective, don’t look at things from Iroh’s POV but from a neutral one, by understanding everyone’s motivations, and tell me that Iroh wouldn’t look like a way better human being if he just gave a shit about the family members he’s estranged from, while they don’t care about him at all. Literally, it’d be the perfect way to show why Iroh is the morally correct one. You want me to tell you the hard truth as to why this is so hard to accept for most fans? It’s only because of how morally incorrect his behavior is that people keep refusing to admit Iroh was wrong in how he handled Azula and her relationship with Zuko.
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frecklyrobert · 7 years
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Hi, I was curious (Ik it's not really my business or related to anything in you blog, and you don't have to answer me. Honestly I won't mind) but I was wondering what exams you've been taking. I assume they're A-levels and I've seen you posting about law. I'm just currently sitting my GCSEs (I've had over 20 of them ugh) and I was considering doing law A-level and just wanted to know if you enjoy/ would recommend it at college?
of course i don’t mind! ask away!
at a level i do:  english literature and language, geography, history and law (because i hate myself)
i won’t lie, law alevel is so hard, theres a lot of dates/facts/case law you have to learn in a lot of different modules so the work load can be quite a lot to deal with, especially if you’re an idiot like me and don’t drop one of your subjects like you’re supposed to in the second year.
but it’s so interesting! sure, there are the odd bits that actually made me fall asleep in class (pure economic loss can die a painful death) but it’s so cool to learn about. my eyes have been opened so much in the past two years and you can get a real look into how society is structured, especially in year 13 where you can be much more critical of the law. i don’t know what units your college would do, but i think the majority do criminal law and it’s the most fun.
i had a breakdown in between my first and second year, right where my exams fell, so i did horrific on my papers, but the second year is much more fun anyway. 
basically, it’s one of my favourite subjects and some of the case law is fantastic (gay sadomasochistic orgies and freeze-dried foetus earrings come to mind) and people in my class who thought they’d hate it have fallen in love with it too!
also, i had 25 GCSE exams in total, i feel your pain (i can’t believe that was two years ago omg i’m so old)
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boofrp · 7 years
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1 (more coming) I'm a little confused about your situation. I understand that you don't feel comfortable disclosing all the details with people online, although I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you're asking for donations. I realize mental health plays a big part in the reason why you're unwilling to get a job, but... If I were in your shoes, and I was stuck in a toxic environment, I would be doing whatever I could to ensure I was out of that situation.
[CONTINUED] Sure, offering resources for small fees can be helpful, but there are people out there giving them away for free - so how far can that really get you? Eventually, you’re either going to have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation and do what’s best for you, so you can escape the toxicity, or you’re going to be stuck there forever. Personally, I think it’s time to grow up and realize you’re not going to make a living off of selling resources. I just think it’s very unfair to those of us who are working for our own money, and I believe you’re completely capable of going out and seeking employment. Yes, you have issues - but so does everyone else. There are people who are way worse off than you are, I’m sure. I’m not trying to be rude, but I’ll admit I’m a tad bit suspicious. A piece of me believes you’re just trying to get whatever you can out of the community, as if they owe you something. You’ve been known to lie before, therefore I just can’t trust your story and accusations. Sorry.
   i actually wrote a long ass reply to this but because my computer crashed right before i was about to post it, i lost everything and need to start again lmao. ANYWAY. i never once thought that in a community that is branded to be a “safe haven” and an “escape from life” that i would be thrown some bullshit like this at my feet, making me feel anything but safe or comfortable. honestly there are few messages i have received during my time on this account that made my stomach drop to my feet. this includes messages coming straight out and telling me to kill myself - that i can handle.
 but something like this, honestly made my stomach drop and i hope you’re happy because when i first read this last night i began gagging/feel nauseous and then had a full blown anxiety attack and breakdown. now i’ve had some sleep and i’m not reacting as badly as i did at first to this message but i’m still shaking and feeling incredibly sick because: fuck you. now i really hate explaining myself and trying to “prove” myself to people that really do not deserve the time of day from me, but i guess i should have expected this because there are some really fucking toxic people in this community. lets get to the fun part, my actual replies to the points made in these horrible messages !!
POINT A: “if i were in your shoes i would be doing anything to get out of your ~toxic~ situation” --- first of all, be fucking thankful you are not in my situation because it SUCKS. it really sucks and experiencing this level of pain on a daily basis whilst trying to remain positive is really fucking hard. and guess what? YOU’RE NOT IN MY SITUATION. therefore you have no right to sit back and play commentator on everything i have said and done. let’s get that straight. now i have fucking tried to get out of here. let me make you a nice fucking list because you probably won’t settle until you have all the information from me.
>>> i have applied for ten jobs in the space of two days, all of which i was qualified for or they offered training for if i wasn’t. all of the answers were the same: we have filled the spot or you’re not what we’re looking for. and i have to admit my resume is pretty fucking lit because of all the things i achieved before my mental health destroyed my life. >>> i have babysat for a woman who years ago traumatized the FUCK out of me one day and i don’t want to go into specifics but it was really hard to put aside the fact that she made me run home in tears to my mum when i was 12 for a stupid reason. >>> i have considered asking my sister if i could move in with her. get this, any other time i wouldn’t even think of it because: a) she lives in a small three bedroom house - by small i mean really fucking small. b) she has a 3 year old daughter and a 1 year old daughter as well as herself and her boyfriend so you can imagine how much space they have already taken up. OH and she’s having another baby so they would be struggling to even fine space for them. c) i know that if i live with her i will only be able to have a suitcase of my possessions and would have to sleep on the floor, yet i still consider it and am close to asking. d) i have practically lived with her for a month and had a complete breakdown at the end because i was treated like a babysitting machine instead of a human and being an introvert, when spending so much time with people i need time for myself to regenerate but because the house was so small and the children wouldn’t leave me alone - i broke down. >>> i have done things to get $5 that i do not want to talk about because i know that if i even told my family i would immediately be disowned and i am not proud at all about what i’ve done to EAT FOOD. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. >>> and lastly, i’m asking complete strangers for money - something that i have struggled with all my life is asking people for money, even asking my mother for $5 for school when i was younger invoked anxiety. but here i am.
POINT B: “sure you can offer resources for money but how far is that going to get you? people already make them for free” --- do you REALLY think i came into this thinking that selling resources was going to pay my rent? do you REALLY think i’m dumb enough to believe that i could actually live out on my own with just commissions from people online in exchange for pixels that will be meaningless in a few years? HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK I AM? you know what, $5 every now and again isn’t going to pay for my funeral insurance or my wedding in a few years, but $5 NOW is going to buy me a pretty decent fucking meal for once, it’s going to buy me a part of a ticket out of this small town. in the long run, $5 a week is going to add up and its going to HELP. also, there must be a reason more people are taking commissions each day - because there are actually people in this world who are fucking KIND and i like to believe in those people. paying commissions isn’t even buying my resources to me, because i know these people can get it anytime they want for free. no, it’s like a pat on the back or like paying someone a tip. IT’S JUST BEING FUCKING THANKFUL. if i had money i would be tipping my friends all the time. but i don’t.
POINT C: “it’s unfair for those of us who are working for our money” --- i’m,,, sorry. IS MY MENTAL ILLNESS A FUCKING INCONVENIENCE TO YOU? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY HALF OF Y O U R LIFE, MAKING IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO EVEN FUNCTION PROPERLY IN THE WORLD? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING FAMILY? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R FRIENDSHIPS? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS TURN Y O U R CHILDHOOD AND ADOLESCENTS INTO APPOINTMENTS WITH A PSYCHOLOGIST, ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND FINDING WAYS TO MAKE YOUR SCHOOL LIFE MORE COMFORTABLE SINCE YOU WERE LITERALLY TWO STEPS AWAY FROM KILLING YOURSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U WANT TO KILL YOURSELF MORE TIMES YOU CAN COUNT ON ONE HAND? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U ATTEMPT SUICIDE TWICE BEFORE YOU WERE EVEN SIXTEEN? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS EFFECT Y O U IN YOUR WORKPLACE TO THE POINT WHERE YOU WERE CLOSE TO GRABBING THE NEAREST PLASTIC BAG AT YOUR REGISTER AND PULLING IT OVER YOUR HEAD AND SUFFOCATING YOURSELF? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U BULIMIC AND ANOREXIC? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE IT HARD FOR Y O U TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR WITHOUT WANTING TO FUCKING DIE? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R BODY IMAGE? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.
POINT D: “you’re capable for going out and looking for employment” --- please refer to my next answer to another anon who is a fucking dick too.
POINT E: “you’re just trying to get shit out of the community cause you think it owes you something” --- again... FUCK YOU. what the fuck have i done to make you believe i’m that shitty of a person? and if i was trying to scam this community out of money or whatever the fuck you think i’m doing, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THREE FUCKING YEARS IN THE MAKING, BEFORE I EVEN KNEW I COULD MAKE A FEW CENTS USING ADF.LY LINKS. i have lied about things in the past, but things that i a) owned up to and b) were NEVER about my mental health or my living situation. i’mm fucking SURE that if you go through my blog you will find me talking about how fucked i am in life. this isn’t some story that i shit out yesterday for money, for fucks sake. if it seems like i suddenly have all these problems - i’m fucking great at pretending i don’t want to be alive and that i hate myself.
POINT F: “i’m not trying to be rude” --- YES YOU FUCKING ARE. IF YOU WERE NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SELF AWARE OF IT AND PUT YOURSELF ON ANONYMOUS, FOR FUCKS SAKE. IF YOU KNEW THAT THIS WASN’T RUDE, YOU WOULD HAVE COME OFF OFF OF ANONYMOUS, FOR FUCKS SAKE. but of course this isn’t fucking rude it’s just picking away at my life and trying to make it sound like i’m a fucking asshole because i am literally suffering in my own home :~)
     you know what? there is no way i can possibly come to a nice conclusion about this message in a sentence or to. so here is all i’m going to say: a) i’M NOT COMING TO YOUR DOORSTEP AND ASKING YOU SPECIFICALLY TO HAND ME OVER $2 SO I CAN BUY DRUGS OR WHATEVER THE FCUCK YOU’RE THINKING and b) YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING DESERVE AN EXPLANATION FROM ME BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. i don’t know what the fuck you want from me. my family is in $7k debt from my mum’s boyfriend’s mum’s funeral a month ago. do you want the fucking death certificate? do you want to see the flowers we got from her funeral insurance? DO YOU WANT A WHOLE FUCKING LIVESTREAM OF HER DEAD BODY BEING LOWERED INTO THE FUCKING GROUND? OH FUCKING HELL, DO YOU WANT TEXTS THAT GO BACK YEARS BETWEEN ME AND MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND FAMILY OF ME CONSTANTLY TELLING THEM I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD? DO YOU WANT ME TO RECORD WHAT I EAT IN A WEEK? DO YOU WANT ME TO RECORD MY MOTHER TELLING ME I’M BEING FAT AND TO STOP EATING? DO YOU WANT ME TO HANG MYSELF IN PUBLIC JUST SO YOU CAN FUCKING SEE HOW SERIOUS THIS IT? i don’t know what the fuck you want from me and what your great plan was when sending these messages, but i hope you’re fucking happy.
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