#also i didn’t tell any of u this but for my nursing interview i got offered SEVEN POSITIONS IN ONE DAY!!!!

[dastardlydandelion]

my thoughts on fear street 1666 now that i finished scrubbing all the toilets, got to go home and watch it

holy shit. that movie. wow. 

it wasn’t as fun as the other two. didn’t employ the same campy tropes. didn’t present itself in a flourish of period typical style. while i enjoyed the first two films paying homage to classic horror tropes and making the most of the stylish side of their respective environments, i am v grateful and relieved that 1666 *wasn’t* as fun as the other two and actually presented the horror of puritan fanaticism and witch accusations more srsly. imo it portrayed that grave, twisting dread that the subject matter calls for. i appreciate that bc i think i would’ve been uncomfortable if they attempted to do smth more campy with the time period given what we already knew abt the circumstances of sarah’s death even before the film. 

more of me blathering on and on abt fear street 1666 under the cut: 

the twist actually worked on me this time. they actually got me on this one, u guys. i rly watched this franchise believing sarah fier was possessing ppl and wreaking her vengeance on the town, but this whole time it was the fuckin’ goodes. nick, i never liked u, i think ur more interesting than i did before before when u were a generic as generic gets asshole, so now ur somewhat more interesting but even bigger of an asshole than i gave u credit for. ur literally the worst asshole of assholes, ur a walking infected hemorrhoidal rectum of a human being. 

don’t get me wrong, i always thought sarah was going to be portrayed sympathetically. i never doubted that. my theory was that sarah was going to be a sympathetic villain. i thought 1666 would’ve revealed why she cursed shadyside. i figured she would’ve cursed her townsfolk for turning their backs on her, maybe, or hurting/killing hannah, or using her for her witchcraft and then getting angry if it backfired on them, or smth like that. i thought we were going to watch a story abt sarah’s descent into darkness and while she’d defo be a tragic villain, she rly would be the person behind the possessions...but it wasn’t even her. she and hannah were just vulnerable to the town’s suspicion and persecution bc they were queer women who didn’t behave the way society wanted them to behave. and they were blamed for evil actually wrought by heterosexual men in power, and when sarah realized there was no way out of it, she took the blame upon herself so hannah was spared and she cursed only the goode family?? 

THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER. FUCK. THAT IS SUCH A BETTER STORY. kudos to this trilogy for being more intelligent than it ever had to be, when it could’ve just skated on the notoriety of the fear street series, the style, and billing notable cast members. 

so yeh, i defo 100% appreciated the goode men from wealthy sunnyvale being revealed as the true villains. i actually got my wish of nick getting killed in the face. i love that sarah possessed deena to do it herself!!! and deena!! oh man, i love deena so much. she was wearing a homebrew vest to protect herself made of fear street novels + duct tape, u gotta love it. ig she wanted to prepare herself since sam stabbed her at the end of 1994. on that note, she’s v active in this film for someone who has a fresh abdominal stab wound and i mean, the situation defo calls for it, but i hope she remembered to properly dress it and take a couple ibuprofen or smth. shit, i’m gettin distracted again. okay!! 

i loved errything that went down in the mall. i adore that josh and adult ziggy got more time to shine. i was so! so! happy at martin’s inclusion on the action. he deserved that after the way nick treated him in 1994. our occupations are also p similar so i defo relate to martin on that front. i loved it all the neon and blacklight stuff at the mall. that part was v stylish, that was p cool. spraying the killers with the blood so they kill each other!! yes! that was perfect!! it was incredibly practical and enjoyable for me, as a gore fan, to watch. 

i liked the sticky note on the wall at the end from deena and josh’s dad, that he had a job interview. i wonder if this is bc the curse of shadyside has been lifted with the end of the goodes?? 

yk, i feel like now knowing what we know abt the actual evil, i gotta wonder how much re-watch value there is to be gleaned from this trilogy. for example, in 1978, nick liked ziggy and didn’t want her to die. he performed cpr on her even tho she’d been stabbed a fuck ton of times and tbvh, the chances of success of resuscitation depending on what exactly it is was ziggy succumbed to seem v slim. at first i attributed this to a suspension of disbelief bc this is fiction (and to be fair crazy do happen sometimes irl, ykw, sometimes reality can surprise u) BUT now i’m sittin here like...was the cpr successful bc nick’s deal with the devil gave him the power to do that?? did his bargaining of others’ souls and offering them up for possession grant him the ability to have some control in that situation somehow? at least more than a normal human being should?? idk. it’s a thought. 

what else, what else? 

i feel like outta the three, 1666 had the most tension overall. i was p gosh darn emo abt the relationships. deena and sam’s relationship i’ve cared abt since the beginning but the contrast of them getting the opportunity to have it and be together, in parallel to the way sarah and hannah’s ended just moves u. or, it moved me at least. sarah tells hannah they’ll go somewhere and kiss in broad daylight before kissing her in almost total darkness, and then the film ends on deena and sam kissing in the sun. i was also glad deena and josh’s sibling relationship got touched on a lil bit more. thought it was cute that she tried to cook for him and produced smth that just dead ass looks inedible. i also thought it was sweet that ziggy reunited with nurse lane. she can do that now, she can leave her house without fearing the return of the curse, and she deserves it. <3

i’m impressed with the trilogy overall. each movie easily could’ve been an r-rated goosebumps episode and imo all were certainly better than that. i feel like each film was better than the previous, but personally enjoyed each one. some things were p predictable but i think much of that is intentional. 1994 and 1978 were clearly paying homage to classic slashers and familiar horror tropes. i personally didn’t find the predictability off-putting bc i recognized what they were trying to do, and felt the quality in the other elements made up for it. i was genuinely shocked by the actual villain reveal, i personally didn’t predict that. again, i always thought sarah was going to be sympathetic and i never liked nick at all, but i didn’t suspect sarah was just. dead ass *not* going to be a villain or that he was going to be the big bad. 

really dug the style of these films. loved that we got an interracial lesbian couple who made it thru the trilogy without either the predatory lesbian trope or the byg trope happening. i liked most of the characters we got to know and the only character who *rly* grated on my nerves was the villain who got stabbed in the eye. 

gosh, i want more fear street movies!! if i had to pick one outta any of the slashers featured, i’d want to see ruby lane’s story. i would like to see this production team milking the most outta the environment in the 50s, the style of the 50s, music, and whatnot. i enjoyed nurse lane even tho she was super bad at murder, so it’d be cool to see her again and who she was before her daughter got possessed and killed 7 ppl. also, ruby sings when she kills?? 

that’s weird and creepy and neat. totally down for it. 

#fear street spoilers #fear street 1666 #fear street #sarah fier #deena johnson #nick goode #sam fraser #josh johnson #ziggy berman #ruby lane #nurse lane #martin p franklin #gosh u guys #i rly dug this movie #i rly dug the trilogy as a whole #i was hype to begin with but it exceeded by expectations #i want more

[sailor-manga]

A/N: I’m so sorry this took so long, and I’m really sorry if this isn’t the greatest. I just know quite a few of you have been waiting for it so I tried to finish it with little motivation I had left. ;u; I love you guys, hope you enjoy. Also, I know there is mention of a party in this fic, and it was just getting long already so if you guys want a part two where they go on their first.. official date [I guess?] Just let me know. 

This fic is meant for readers +18, if you are not +18, please go elsewhere.

Warnings: Smut, Swearing. 

Word Count: 5,397 words.

You hurt, you didn’t know what went wrong.. One second you were simply walking home from a friends house, next thing- You found yourself in a pile of rubble, trapping your leg and leaving you helpless. Letting out a loud cry, you would hear more smashing in the distance, as well as yelling- There was a fight breaking out and you were in the middle of it. You could see a flash of red, it was Red Riot, pinning down a hybrid looking human. Your eyes practically lit up! Red Riot was your favorite Pro Hero and you found yourself constantly swooning over the male on TV or on the internet. 

You were so giddy that he was here, you ALMOST forgot the fact that you leg was being crushed by a fucking piece of building, begging to be let out. You could feel blood dripping, and it did hurt- a lot, but thankfully nothing felt broken, the pain would be ten times worse. 

Glancing back down at your trapped limb, you would try to pull it out, only to get out a strained cry.. You were really in there. You never thought you’d see yourself in this type of situation, you always saw yourself as careful and aware of your surroundings, but this happened out of nowhere! 

You were quickly snapped from your thoughts when some landed next to you loudly. Flushing slightly you would turn your head, expecting to see Red Riot himself ready to save you- But instead you were met with angry looking eyes and spikey blonde hair. Furrowing a brow, you would look past the male to see if you could find Red Riot “Are you fucking blind?” he grunted annoyingly, which made you huff “W-Where is Red Riot?” you asked in a shaky tone, your body shifting uncomfortably on the pile of rocks “Listen you ungrateful bitch, I’m the one here to get you out of the stupid mess you stumbled into like a fucking idiot! Now hold still so I can blow these rocks off of you” he barked at her, vile coating every word. 

This was why you didn’t like Bakugou, he was rude, arrogant, and vulgar with a horribly explosive temper.. Every interview you saw with the Pro Hero, there was always some kind of situation. He put a bad taste in your mouth and now that you were formally meeting him, you knew exactly why. Feeling small against his words you would quiet down and he would quickly put his hand on the rock and with one swift CRACK, the large piece of stone would crumble, freeing your leg and allowing it to breathe. 

Looking at your leg now, you would visibly cringe hard . Your leg was peppered with cuts and already bruises as black as night. Reaching over, you would prod at one of the cuts which immediately began to ooze crimson. Before you could really collect yourself, you would feel a hand grip at your forearm and yank you to stand. Letting out a loud cry, you would fall into Bakugou, who would quickly catch you, holding your weight up effortlessly “What are you doing, dumb ass?” he yelled, which caused you to shoot a glare up at him “M-My leg, you fucking jerk!” you snapped back at him. 

Only for a second, would his face soften to a look of concern before letting out an annoyed grunt “I should have left you under there, now I have to fucking take you to the hospital” he growled. “I don’t want to go anywhere with you! I can take myself there, I just.. Need a moment to recoup” you’d mutter out with a frown. “Listen little girl, you’re talking to a God- and I don’t wanna hear your drama” he spat, quickly cupping your cheek and letting out a ‘tch’ sound “You busted your head too, that’s probably why you don’t realize that I just saved your fuckin’ ass” he grumbled before picking you up bridal style, causing you to cry out a little. 

“Fuck! You’re hurting me” you spat before the male would shoot you another death glare, making you shrink into his chest “Just shut the hell up and let me help you, dumb ass” he spat. Swallowing hard, you knew that you wouldn’t actually be able to make it to the hospital yourself. Wrapping one of your arms around his neck, the other would lift to inspect the gash that was on your head and oh boy.. There was definitely one there. You could feel a jagged cut that started from your hairline to your brow. 

“Don’t fucking touch it, idiot- It’s already filthy from the dirt” he barked, which caused you to jump a little “Can you just.. Shut up or be nice!” you yelled out, your face growing lightly rose from frustration. Bakugou would smirk and shrug his broad shoulders “Sorry babygirl.. Kindness isn’t my brand” he replied in a cocky tone, which caused you to huff and glance away from him. The hospital wasn’t that far, but you still didn’t know why the male was walking you there rather than calling the ambulance or even taking a taxi if he really wanted to do it himself. 

As he carried you though, you would idly drop your head onto his shoulder, which made him growl out a little bit “Hey, dumb ass” he said in a soft tone, his arms shaking you lightly “You need to stay awake, who knows if you got a concussion or not, idiot” he scoffed. Staring up at him through your lashes, you would frown some “I-..just hurt” you muttered out, which caused concern to fill his eyes “We’re almost there, okay? Talk to me or whatever.. Just don’t fucking pass out on me” he snapped quietly. 

Licking your lips, you would let out a soft sigh, which caused him to shake you a little again “Tell me why you were looking for my friend” he asked, his eyes glancing elsewhere. Feeling the lump in your throat, your cheeks would vividly ignite “I-.. I’ve always wanted to meet him, he seems so nice and gentle.. I’m a fan, to put it short..” you’d mutter out in a skittish tone. The male would roll his eyes “Of course you are, there’s nothing that great about shitty hair.. He wasn’t even the one who saved you” he grumbled, which caused you to frown even deeper. 

“It doesn’t matter! At least if he was the one who saved me- We’d be at the hospital by and and he’d be a hell of a lot nicer to me” you barked out softly, which didn’t get an answer from him. Looking down to avoid any sudden glare, you would feel a little guilty.. Yes, he was a fucking jerk- but he saved you.. You knew you should thank him, but for some reason, something was stopping you. 

Before you could really get up the courage to talk again, you could hear doors opening- You two were already there? You must have zoned out, lost in your impending thoughts. Bakugou would carefully set you in a wheelchair before telling some of the staff what happened, his hero costume sticking out like a sore thumb and causing bystanders to snap his photo and take little videos of him. 

“W-Wait, Bakugou” you said quickly, but the male waved his hand at you dismissively. Biting onto your lip, you were spun around in the chair by a nurse and quickly carried off to a room so you could get further examined. Now that all the excitement was away from you, and you didn’t have that stupid jerk barking at you every five seconds, the pain was really starting to kick in and a wave of exhaustion washed over you. You were in and out as the Doctor examined your battered leg. Luckily the rubble had only created some flesh wounds. The Doctor talked about simply cleaning the wounds, and putting some ice on it. 

When it came to your head though, you needed stitches.. Luckily there was no concussion, but the cut was pretty deep, it probably happened when you initially fell. Unfortunately you weren’t able to sleep through that, the stinging feeling as the male sewed the cut shut. 

Once he finished, you would let out a whimper.. Why.. did you miss that fucking jerk? Maybe it was guilt that you didn’t get to thank him or apologize, because he was right in calling you out on being ungrateful. “Alright [First and last name], we just wanna keep you overnight to make sure that head injury is okay. Is that alright with you?” the Doctor asked with a soothing smile. 

With a small nod, he would return it and collect his tools “Get some rest, you had a hard day” the male claimed quietly before exiting the room. 

That was the last thing on your mind though. Regardless of your body feeling absolutely exhausted, your mind was going insane.. You hurt so bad, you probably would have been there longer if Bakugou hadn't seen you. Growling out to yourself, you would cover your face with your hands and shift in bed, wincing out.. Broken bones or not- Those fucking bruises felt like little needles gutting into your beaten leg. 

Sooner or later, you had drifted off- well, barely.. You couldn’t get the explosive male out of her head. That had been the whole night, occasionally waking up from both the pain and him on your mind. It wasn’t until the sun started to shine through the window of the hospital room, and you would feel a hand on yours. “B-Bakugou?” you’d mutter out quickly, your eyes fluttering open to see not Bakugou- But Red Riot himself standing sitting there next to the bed. Your eyes would widen as he smiled cheerfully at you “Hey! Sorry.. Not Bakugou- But I heard you wanted to meet me” he mused, patting your hand, 

Your guilt immediately grew, you knew that Bakugou had told him, and the whole reason he was here was because of the blonde. 

Staring at the Pro Hero, wearing his sexy costume.. You weren’t enjoying the meeting as much now that you knew why he was here. Biting your lip, you would immediately let out a whimper and hang your head down your body tensing out as you felt a few tears start to stream down your cheeks. 

The red head immediately stood and placed his hands gently on your shoulders “H-Hey, are you okay? Hurting?” he asked quickly, his voice oozing with worry. Shaking your head, you would quickly wipe at your eyes “I-I’ve wanted to meet you for so long, and now you’re finally here.. And I can’t help but feel terrible because I was mean to Bakugou and didn’t thank him or apologize for saving me and being a bitch.. And he- he did this!” you’d claim out, trying to explain only further urging the tears out. 

Kirishima’s face would fall a little, into a frown “Hey now.. I’m sure he didn’t take it heart- I mean, he got me here didn’t he?” he said in a soothing tone. Your ears weren’t completely hearing his words though, looking up at him, he would offer a comforting smile before using his thumb to wipe away a few stray tears “You want to talk to him again, don’t you..” he asked quietly.

Eyeing the male you would hiccup quietly and nod “I-I’m so happy to meet you, but.. I need to do the right thing” you’d mutter out, which caused him to chuckle “Damn, here Bakugou said he found me a cute girl, but it seems she’s already grown a crush on someone else” he purred out before patting your shoulder “When are you discharged? I’ll take you to the hot head.. And you can fix things” he assured. 

You were still taken back by the male assuming you had a crush on that jerk, that wasn’t it- Was it? No! It couldn’t be.. You simply felt bad.. And well, kind of missed his smell.. His warmth. Shaking your head quickly, you would glance up at him “I-I would really like that, but don’t get the wrong idea! I’m not crushing on him” you’d say quickly before biting your lip “Also.. I should be able to leave today, the Doctor just wanted to make sure my stitches settled alright” you claimed quietly. 

You were so incredibly grateful to meet Kirishima, he was so nice and so willing to help. After about another hour, the nurses came in and gave her clothes back, allowing her to change and leave. 

Kirishima was a gentleman and left her alone to change into her battered clothing, it wasn’t exactly the outfit you wanted to wear around Bak-... Wait, what were you saying?! You didn’t care what he would think! Shaking your head, you would open the door and head down, immediately greeted by Red Riot once again “Ready? Come on” he said, placing a hand on her upper back and urging her forward “You know, if you really wanna get to know Bakugou- there is a party tonight that he and I are going too. You should come” he suggested with a gleaming smile.

Swallowing hard, you would fiddle with a rip in your shorts “I-.. er I don’t know” you’d mutter out “I just want to say thank you is all” you’d press, which only caused the red head to roll his eyes “Fat chance, cutie! It’s all over your face~ Come on, just come for a few hours and if you aren’t feeling it- I’ll personally drive you home” he said patting your back. 

Letting out a soft sigh, you would nod your head in defeat- How could you say no to someone doing so much for you? Not to mention.. He was your favorite Pro Hero after all. 

The male would lead you to his car, opening the door for you to slide in. Doing so, your eyes would watch as he made his way around to the drivers side, plopping it with a sigh “Are you nervous?” he asked. Turning your head to him, you would look a little confused “N-Nervous? Why?” you’d ask sheepishly before he let out a snort “Well, I am bringing you back to our house” he stated quietly before looking at you.

You would stare at him with wide eyes, you didn’t think he’d make a move like that- You thought maybe you’d be meeting a cafe or something “A-Are you sure? You’re okay with me knowing where you live?” you’d ask in a shaky tone, red faced as could be. 

Kirishima shrugged “I mean, no offense.. But what are you going to do? Do you have a hidden quirk or something?” he asked with a chuckle. Sinking in your seat, you would shake your head “No.. I don’t” you pouted, which caused him to snort once again before starting the car and driving off. 

The car ride was nice, it was mainly him talking- Tell you stories about how he and Bakugou met, shit that the two had gotten into together. They honestly sounded like super close friends, it made your heart warm just thinking about it “It doesn’t ever bug you? His attitude?” you asked curiously, causing the red head to shrug “I mean, yeah he’s got a temper.. But he also has a good heart. He cares about people in his own hot headed way” he said with a bright smile.

Looking down some, you’d sigh.. You were the jerk, not Bakugou. 

It didn’t take super long before the male would finally pull over, parking in front of a rather fancy looking apartment. Biting your lip, you’d lean forward to gaze up at it. “Come on then, don’t just stare” he chuckled before getting out of the car. 

Letting yourself out, you would wince some.. Your leg still hurt pretty bad, but at least you could walk. Slightly limping your way around the car, Kirishima would once again place a hand on your back, leading you up the stairs carefully, ready to catch you if you were to lose your balance.  

Going up to one of the upper floors, Kirishima would unlock the door and immediately you would hear Bakugou from the other room “Back already, shitty hair? I thought I fucking told you to make it meaningful- And did  you get my text?” he barked loudly, causing Kirishima to roll his eyes with a smile. 

Quickly taking your hand, he would lead you down the hall “I think I did one better” he called out as they turned the corner into the living room area. 

Bakugou sat there lazily, feet propped up on the table- Shirtless and only sporting a pair of loose sweatpants. Swallowing hard you would tense as he turned his head to more than likely yell at his friend, but those deep crimson hues landed on you. Immediately, his cheeks would light up before quickly standing up and turning his attention to Kirishima who was taking his head gear off “Yo, shitty hair! This wasn’t the deal” he spat. 

Kirishima would look at him with a small smirk on his face “Hey, I didn’t intend on doing this- But this cutie here wanted to talk to you, and I invited her to the party tonight” he said flashing a grin and disappearing around the corner once again, probably to get into some more comfortable clothing. 

The blonde quickly stepped forward to stop him, but was cut short with the quick exit. Soon those eyes turned to you in a harsh glare “What do you want? You got what you wanted” he spat, flopping back on the couch with a huff. 

Building up your courage, you would step forward and awkwardly sit on the edge of the sofa, folding your hands over your lap “I’m sorry..” you muttered, causing the blonde to tense a little “What?” he grunted. 

Biting your lip, you would keep your eyes on your fidgeting hands “I-I was a jerk to you, you were totally right to call me an ungrateful bitch.. You saved me, and made sure I got into care. So thank you, Bakugou, and I’m sorry for the way I acted” you whimpered, barely able to make out the words as the male stared at you in a bit of surprise. 

“You.. came all the way here just to say that?” he asked, his voice seeming slightly softer. It didn’t last long though “D-Dumbass, you could have just told Kiri to relay the message” he huffed, crossing his arms, but never once taking his gaze from you. Finally looking up, you’d meet his stare once again. You could feel a blush start to surface which made him flush in return “Y-You sent Kirishima to me as well.. Even after I was rude to you” you muttered out.

Bakugou would quietly lean forward, his fingers just barely grazing the bandages on your head “So what.. You wouldn’t shut up about it” he grunted, his eyes now trailing down to your leg injuries “Are you.. In pain?” he asked, quickly changing the subject. 

Giving off a slight shrug, you would bite your lip “Y-Yeah.. It hurts, but I’ll manage. Luckily, nothing was broken” you said softly. 

His hand never left your head as he scooted closer “It would be better for me to have a look anyways” he grunted, sitting directly next to you and leaning forward to prod at the bandages, he didn’t want to take them off, obviously- But he still tried to see, a clever way of getting close to you. 

He would mumble some profanities to himself before looking down at you, the way you were staring up at him was almost.. Longingly? Swallowing roughly he would break the gaze for a moment before taking the risk and leaning in, pressing his lips roughly to yours. You would let out a small whimper but seem to lean forward, attempting to melt into his chest. This only further caused an arm to wrap around your waist as parted his own lips to take yours in his teeth, tugging on it roughly and causing you to moan out.

“What the fuck are you doing to me, idiot..” he growled out, his weight pushing forward to make you lay back on the couch. You would oblige and shake your head some, you also questioned this.. You were never the type to just dive into something like this, so what about Bakugo was different? 

Before you could really answer him, his mouth was roaming your neck, careful not to bump any of your injuries “W-Who said I wanted to do this to you” you retorted out, blinded by a hazy fog and unable to make proper words “You did.. Staring at me like that, pain in the fucking ass..” he growled, lifting his head slightly to meet your gaze “Do you want me or not, dumb ass” he hissed out, taking you into consideration. 

Blinking up at him, your face would soften.. Like you said, you never expected it to go this far, but now that it has you felt butterflies start to rise in your stomach “I do” you’d say sheepishly before biting your lip, causing Bakugo to slowly start trailing kisses along your jawline, his strong calloused hands gripping at your waist. 

Resting your head against the arm of the couch, you would blush and let out a small sigh as he explored your body. 

Your eyes would slip closed as those strong hands moved to the bountiful mounds on your chest, giving them a firm squeeze before suddenly mashing his lips up against yours again, his tongue shoving past your lips and immediately pinning yours down in dominance. You would moan into his mouth and wrap your arms around his neck as those devious hands went to the end of your shirt and started to peel it off of you.

The kiss broke for only a second so the shirt could go past your head, but as soon as the pesky piece of clothing was rid, he was back to exploring your cavern, growling into your mouth. You two would go from tongue dancing to just sloppily making out, noises rising from both of you. Breaking the kiss, he would sit down on the couch, smirking at you deviously “Come on dumb ass- hop on my lap” he ordered, taking your hand to help you stand. 

At first you seemed a little shy about it, but Bakugo was quick to grab your hips and make you straddle him, his hand going to your neck and pulling you down for another messy lip lock. Your hands would quickly grab at his shoulders, slowly moving into an embrace as you groaned quietly into the gesture. 

Before you could realize, your bra felt loose and his hands were eager to pull it off of you. Moving your arms and breaking the lock he would toss it and stare down at your breasts, his face looking surprised for a moment before a sinful smirk painted his expression. “What are you looking at” you muttered out, covering your breasts with your hands. He was quick to pry those hands off “Ah, ah.. I don’t think so princess.. Let me look at those sexy fucking tits” he growled, leaning forward and taking one of your nipples into his mouth. Letting out a loud gasp, you would let your head fall forward, nestling against his blonde tresses as his tongue skillfully circled around that sensitive bud “B-Bak-” you were cut off by him suddenly releasing your tit and glaring up at you “Katsuki” he corrected with a glare before starting to palm your mounds with his hands “If I hear you call me Bakugo one more time, I don’t care if you’re injured, you’re getting a punishment, dumb ass” he grunted before letting off a devilish smirk, his hands trailing down to your shorts to pop them open “Stand up and take those off, and make it fucking sexy” he demanded, letting go of you altogether. 

Slowly getting off of him, you would blush and stand there for a minute “I can try..” you’d mutter before hooking your thumbs through the belt loop of your jeans and shimmying them down, making sure to be a little extra with those hips of yours. It seemed that it was working, because Katsuki’s hues were glued to you the whole time “That’s right princess.. Even with a battered leg you still managed to get me hard” he teased. 

Scoffing quietly, you would cover your naked pussy and roll your eyes “W-Why do you have talk like..” you trailed off as he shrugged down his sweats, revealing that he was definitely telling the truth that her little shake had gotten him hard, because his cock was standing at full attention. “You like what you see?” he said with a smirk before offering his hand. Without word, you would take it and the male would lead you to straddle him once again, which only caused you to wince a little with how your leg was bent “Fuck, does that hurt you?” he asked quietly before moving your weight so you were laying down rather than on top of him. 

“Y-You don’t have to do that, once I sit for a minute I’ll be nnghh…” you trailed off with a moan as he began to rub his shaft into your folds, his warm cock teasingly rubbing against your clit. “That’s right princess, just shut up.. Let me take care of you” he purred out, using the pad of his thumb to reach down and pay good attention to that swollen bud, making your back arch and toes curl. 

You hadn’t experienced something like this before, yeah you’ve been with other guys.. But Katsuki managed to be so gentle with you, yet so.. Rough at the same time. Making his movements very prominent so you could feel just about everything he was doing to you, being oddly attentive to making you feel good. Your thoughts were finally cut off by his body looming over you, and his mouth finding your neck to sink his canines into, making you moan out loudly “F-Fuck.. Katsuki, you’re.. Being rude, just.. Put it in already” you’d groan.

“Mmh? Put what in princess.. I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about” he scoffed against your neck, you could practically feel the smug smirk on his features. “Y-Your cock, Katsuki, I want your cock” you’d mutter out helplessly. Those pathetic, whimpering words were all that Katsuki needed. Reaching down he would line his cock up with your hole and roughly start to inch it in, your slick making great use as a natural lube. 

Your arms would immediately grip onto his shoulders as your tight little cunt attempted desperately to stretch to his size “Ka.. suki.. Please” you’d mutter out with a gasp, only to be silenced by a rough kiss “Calm down dumb ass.. It hurts because you’re clenching on me.. Relax, princess.. I’m going to make you feel good” he grunted, though it was much softer than the others.

Taking a deep breath, you would try to relax your body and he would slowly do small thrusts, trying to get you warmed up “See?” he muttered in a shaky tone, all you could do was nod. 

He took that as permission to keep going, rearing his hips back he would thrust into your clenching cunt, causing you to moan out loudly, Your good leg would spread further for him to nestle in between and his hips would work fluently, the sounds of soft smacking filling the room “Y-You can go.. Harder” you’d pant out, looking up at him with an awkward, embarrassed smile. Katsuki would smirk and lean down, pressing his lips against your cheek “Oh, I planned on it, Princess.. Just getting you used to my fat cock” he purred.

It was after that when he reared back again and started to thrust at a fairly rough, rhythmic pace, causing your fast to twist in a pleasure you had never felt before. It was like his cock was perfectly made for your dripping sex. Long strings of mewls would escape you as the male laid claim to your pussy, his grunts and growls filling the room. At this point, you didn’t even care if Kirishima walked in on you two, you just wanted him to keep going, to fill you to the brim with his hot and sticky cum.

“You’re fucking mine now, do you hear me?.. Fuck I’m never giving up this tigh tlittle pussy to anyone” he growled, his hand wrapping lightly around your neck. Your breathing would hitch and you would stare up at him with wide eyes, the pleasure fogging any logical thought you had “Ye..s.. I’m yours, Katsuki..” you’d moan out, which caused his cock inside of you to twitch violently “That’s right, Princess.. You know who your man is now.. No more thinking about Red fucking Riot.. You’re all mine”he hummed, leaning down to bite onto your neck, which caused your walls to squeeze the life out of his cock. 

Letting your head fall to the side, you would let him mark you up as he pounded that G-Spot with incredible force. releasing your flesh he would lick up your neck slowly and let out a grunt “You better tell me now, Princess.. Can I fill up that slutty little pussy or do you want me to pull out” he huffed, slowing his thrusts only slightly “N-No! .. Don’t pull out.. I want you to fill me up, Katsuki..” you moaned out quietly. 

It must have been what he wanted to hear because his thrusts became rough again, no specific pattern or rhythm, he was all over the place and it was fucking amazing. “Get ready, Princess.. I want you to feel how badly I’ve been thinking about you, and I want to feel that cunt cum all over my cock” he growled, sitting up a bit and letting his head fall back. 

All it took was three more hard thrusts and his load was pooling out inside of your needy hole, coating the walls and making you feel warm. That was what did it for you, as you milked him, your hole would clench around him and an orgasm would rip through your body, sending jolts of white hot pleasure from head to toe. 

He would be careful of your leg, but his body was soon pressed against yours as he attempted to catch his breath “The.. party, you’re going as my date” he gruffed, which caused you to blush. As you slowly came down from your high, you would glance at the male who was staring you dead in the eye “I mean it, Y/N.. I want to take you as my date, show you off as my woman” he breathed, moving some strands of hair from your face.

At first you couldn’t answer, there was a pit in your throat stopping you to do so. Idly nodding, he would press a kiss to your cheek “I promise I’ll make it fun, after all you owned up to being a bitch so consider it a thanks for that” he snorted before pushing himself off of you and pulling up his hands. 

Carefully helping you up, he would make sure to carefully put your clothes back on for you so you didn’t hurt your leg.

“I’m taking you back to your house to get dressed and showered, okay?” he said grabbing a tank that was hanging off of his couch.

“If you’re going to a party with me, we gotta make sure you’re the sexiest thing there” he said with a dark smirk. 

You had no idea how it escalated this far, and you know you should run now .. But the man you thought you hated was slowly becoming your favorite person, he was different behind closed doors and you were more than glad that you gave it another shot. 

[[WIll do a Part Two if you guys wanna see the party part ;P ]

taglist: @hipster-merchant-of-death​ @nighthoodhawk​

Credit to my picture: Made by my lovely waifu @queensynderella​

#mha #mha katsuki x reader #mha katsuki #mha bakugo x reader #mha bakugou katsuki #mha katsuki bakugou #mha smut #my hero fanfiction #boku no hero fanfic #bnha katsuki bakugou #bnha katsuki #bnha bakugou #bnha bakugo x reader #bnha katsuki x reader #bnha smut

[mymymadeline]

•Friendly Dark

gif by: @chrishemsworht​​

pairing: Hallmark Christmas Movie Au! Poe Dameron x Reader 

word count: 6.9k+ words 

summary: 

warnings: alcohol cw

Adore You series: 01, 02, 03, 04, ... - AO3

Even though you’re on vacation, you are far from exempt from your work. And nothing is proving that more than the headache you nurse as you continue pouring over document after document on your tablet. Numbers and figures, charts and graphs, blueprints and sketches, even interviews and gossip articles – they’re all blending together after staring at the screen for what’s likely been hours. 

Snoke’s call the night before was not a social one – they never are. He was going on about some acquisition Kylo’s been trying to make for the past few months, and apparently, he was missing something crucial, which is where you usually come in. The two of you have always been a team for a reason. He was more of the passion and ideas, whereas you were better with relations and logistics. 

Snoke had immediately sent over hundreds of digital files for you to go through and find… well something. Most likely some kind of professional blackmail. Some kind of small violation or incident that would really be such a shame if it came to the media's attention. You know, the usual. 

So far, everything they’ve done is up to code, as far as you can tell. But Snoke won’t take no for an answer. He’d have your head for it. So you continue looking through page after page, searching for some dirt, searching for any kind of upper hand on the competition. 

After coming back in that night while on the phone with Snoke, you blew past your parents and went straight up to your room, where you’ve been for almost the entirety of this Sunday. You couldn’t even face them after that absolute embarrassment of an evening. And though this morning you did stalk around the house if only to get a thing or two to eat, you pointedly ignored your mother, only giving your father a small silent nod of acknowledgment. 

Stealing away to your room for a full day of silent, frustrating work was not exactly your idea of a fun vacation back home, but neither was last night. Just the thought of running into Poe again makes you squeeze your eyes shut in embarrassment and stress. He probably thinks you’re an idiot now. Probably never wants to see you again. And who could blame him if he did? 

If you were a different woman, you’d probably have shed a few embarrassed tears in the solitude of your room, but that wasn’t you. Not anymore. So you rub your eyes once again, and get back to work.

You’re back to staring at a tax filing by the company’s CEO from seventeen years ago when a notification pops up at the top of your screen.

Unknown Number

hey! its rose! i got ur number from when you called the shop lol hope thats not creepy

i was wondering if ur busy tonight? i was thinking of getting drinks w/ some friends at Kanata’s! wanna come? i can pick u up since ur ride is chopped ;)

You blink back at the notification. Drinks? At Kanata’s? 

You can’t remember the last time you actually went out with a group of friends, especially for fun. Taking clients you and Kylo were wooing out to dinner was a common occurrence. But fun? They were never.

Another wave of anxiety washes over you. Friends? Who were these friends? Would they like you? Did you know them? Maybe it would be better to just stay and finish your work. Nothing could go wrong if you did that.

You open the message, absolutely ready to type an excuse why you can’t come, when there’s a gentle knock at your door. You already recognize it as your mother by the way she knocks even before she calls out gently. 

“Love? You in there?”

“I’m here.” You leave your voice flat and emotionless. You need her to know you’re still mad.

“Can… Can I come in?” 

‘No’ dances on the tip of your tongue for a strong moment, but the uncertainty in her soft voice gives you pause. 

“...Okay.”

The door clicks open slowly and your mother pokes her head in, a small, nervous smile affecting her features. You only look at her blankly from your nest of blankets and pillows that have been on your bed since high school.

She steps more fully into the room, closing the door behind her most of the way. She leaves it open just a little, giving the both of you some air to breathe, but also, in a way, making sure not to lock herself in a cage with a wounded animal. 

And she approaches you like one–cautious, hands visible and apologetic. You huff, curled up in the corner of your bed, and try to look anywhere but at her. But she’s hard to avoid as she sits gently on the far edge of your bed and pulls her hands into her lap, looking down and rolling them over one another contemplatively. You two sit like this for a moment, simmering in the uncomfortable tension, but like hell you’re the one with anything to apologize for. 

She lets out a deep sigh. “I’m… so, so sorry… about my behavior last night. I suppose I just… wasn’t handling your absence as well as I thought I was.”

Despite the small sorrow your heart finds at her small and broken tone, the anger–rage even– that has been boiling since the night before claws desperately to be let out. You breathe deeply, and do your best to keep it still in its place. But that doesn’t exclude the fury that seeps into your quiet voice, as you level your gaze with hers.

“Mom, that was the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me in my entire professional career. I need you to know this.”

She nods understandingly and looks back to her fiddling hands. “Yes. I know. And I couldn’t be sorry enough. I realized...I– I don’t know how to be your mother anymore.” You blink at this. A terrible lurch in your gut crawls into your throat at the sight of the tears silently beginning their descent down her cheeks. “I don’t know what to do for you when you're a grown woman who’s accomplished so much on her own without me. I miss you, but I’m not really sure I know you anymore.”

She looks up suddenly at you, her face twisted with grief and regret.

“I didn’t mean it like that… I-”

You stop her, shaking your head, swallowing the lump in your throat, willing the sudden strange wetness in your eyes away. Your voice comes out more choked up than you wish. But whatever wall was up is quickly crumbling away.

“No… Mom, I think I understand.” You look down at your own hands now, picking at your nails nervously, silently discovering the lineage of this habit of yours. You smile sadly at the thought. “I feel that way too sometimes… about myself.”

“Oh, love.” Your mother reaches out, placing her hand on your foot, the only part of you she can reach, and squeezes it gently. She smiles sweetly, her eyes and cheeks still wet, though she’s wiped away the tears.

“You’re not my little girl anymore… but you’re still my daughter, and I’ll love you no matter what.”

You nod, suppressing a sniff as you rub at your nose. She squeezes your foot one more time before standing up and making her way back to the door. She reaches for the handle when you call out. 

“I love you, Mom.”

The smile she sends you is genuine, heartfelt, and warming to your core. It makes you realize how much you truly missed your mother, even if she had her difficulties. “I love you too, girlie.”

With that, she closes the door, leaving you alone with your tablet and the unanswered message. But you know your response now. 

Me

Sounds fun! Let me know what time. I’d love to come, if you’ll have me.

You begin entering Rose’s information into your contacts and her response is almost immediate.

Rose Tico

duuuh! ill get u at like 8ish? and we’ll meet them there! cant wait!

You look down at the message and can’t help but feel a little more at home. 

______________

 You run a hand through your hair, adjusting your outfit for the hundredth time. You’ve opted for something more casual tonight. Something a little more friendly, approachable. You suddenly frown at your reflection. You don’t need these people’s approval. Well, no. But it wouldn’t be so bad to be friendly for once would it?

The two voices in your head continue to battle it out, leaving you frozen in the mirror, desperately trying to understand how you feel in this moment. Anxious? Perhaps. Regretful of accepting this invitation? Maybe. 

Your phone chirps, lighting up on your desk. Glancing over, you see it’s Rose. You don’t need to read it to know it’s just her announcing her arrival, but you pick it up anyway, settling down on your bed and slipping on your shoes as you open the message.

Rose Tico

here!!! right in front lol

Me

One moment!

You lace up your boots quickly, practically sprinting out of your room and down the stairs, snatching up your long coat on the way. 

“I’m headed out, I won’t be back until you guys are already in bed. So, goodnight.”

You call out to the living room as you pull on the coat, your parents turning from their seats on the couch, eyeing you with interest.

“And where are you going this late, young lady?” Your father questions sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.

“Out with friends,” you rush, already halfway out the door, spotting Rose in her car and giving a small wave. “Love you, bye!”

Half-jogging down the steps, you cross quickly but cautiously through the snow-laden yard, careful not to slip. As you close the gate behind you, Rose is already opening the passenger door from the inside, beckoning you in.

“Get inside, it’s freezing!”

You allow yourself a small laugh and slide into the seat next to her. Pulling the door closed, you look around, taking in the space of the car, as she starts it back up and pulls away from the curb. 

Like most things in The Base, it’s worn and old, peeling and chafed, likely held together with duct tape and love. But despite all of its imperfections, it’s not only comfortable, it’s cozy. It’s warm and personal, every dent containing a story, every mile meaningful. 

You can’t help but think back to the chill rigid efficiency of your TIE. Sure, it gets the job done, and is mighty stylish while it does so, but you’ve never felt like it was yours. Never felt anything but cool indifference for its sleek lines and dark exterior. 

“So, you’re looking snazzy tonight.” Rose pulls you out of your thoughts with her cheery tone. 

You look down at your outfit, once again tugging at its hems. 

“Am I? I was actually trying to dress down.”

She laughs at that. “You think that’s dressing down? No way, this is dressing down.” She takes one hand off the wheel, gesturing at her own attire: A brown button-up with a sewn name tag and a pair of dark cargo pants. Likely the uniform she wore to work today. Her cool attitude and smooth voice put you at ease, and you can feel your guard begin to lower. 

“I like this on you,” you quietly praise. You pick at your nails, continuing, “Don’t take this the wrong way, please, but… I admire that you can wear clothes like that and feel comfortable. I feel like I have to dress up all the time, no matter what. I don’t know… I- Nevermind.”

You look up at Rose and she pulls her eyes away from the road for a moment to give you a meaningful look. She nods sympathetically, her previous lightness replaced by understanding. She realizes the weight of this seemingly minor admission.

“I get it, I do.” She gives you a soothing smile. “I just hope you can feel comfortable here… with us. We like having you back, even if just for a moment.”

Still smiling, she turns back to the wheel with a light shrug. “Plus, this isn’t Canto Bight. You’ll look great no matter what.”

You groan, half sardonic, half-serious. “Oh, please don’t remind me. You know, I thought I was a vulture, but those people,” you give an audible shiver. “They’re something else.”

Rose laughs melodically. “Oh, do tell.”

______________

 The ride to the bar is short, the car only really needed for warmth, but the company is appreciated. Rose laughs along to your story of once attempting to cover for Kylo’s drunken rage in front of investors, and while it was a very unamusing situation at the time, you find yourself chuckling with her. 

“Well, that’s why we don’t let him have Bespin Fizzes anymore.”

Rose giggles at that, before piping up in her seat a little. “There it is!”

The bar comes into view just ahead, a familiar neon sign reading Kanata’s hanging overhead a small brick building. The parking lot is compact, but practically full, reminding you just how small the town is, as Kanata’s is the only real bar in the whole Base, and as such, is the town’s favorite happy hour hangout. 

She leans up the dashboard, pointing to an old, grey, junky Corellian that’s as familiar to the town as the bar. 

“There’s the Falcon,” she points out with a smile, though you don’t need her to tell which car it is. “They’re here.”

You nod, smiling at the old hunk of junk fondly, before suddenly realizing what the Falcon’s presence implies. She pulls up to the spot next to it as you turn to her.

“Wait, we’re getting drinks with Han? ” You try not to sound upset, only curious, but Rose reads your panic easily. 

“No, silly,” she giggles, and seems to dodge the question, stepping out of the car. You quickly follow behind, stepping out into the chill night air. Closing the doors, Rose rounds the car and you trail next to her, past the Falcon and towards the bar's entrance. She continues her explanation without you having to ask. 

“About five years ago, Han gave the Falcon away.”

“He gave it away? Why would he do that? To who?” 

She pushes open the door, leading you into the dimly lit bar, which you only now realize with its unfamiliar interior, that you never stuck around to be old enough to actually enter it. The lights are low, yellow and red, but not unwelcoming, in fact creating a warm atmosphere. It’s brightest around the bar itself, with neon and string lights, as patrons sit on the stools, chatting over the low playing jukebox on the far side of the room. Near it are a couple of pool tables, busy with players in the middle of games. A few locals drink in booths against the walls, however Rose leads you towards the high tables and stools in the middle of the room. You’re scanning the bar for anyone you recognize when you finally see where she’s leading you– to the only couple occupying the tables, and your heart drops into your stomach as your fight or flight instinct kicks in. 

“To them!” Rose points but once again you don’t need her helpful hand to see what you need to.

At the table is a girl you don’t recognize with a sweet face and dark hair, but it’s the familiar face next to her that makes you want to run.

Finn, your old classmate, but more importantly your old employee, sits smiling and laughing, casual as anything. You knew Finn left First Order – on very bad terms, one would be remiss to forget – after a fateful trip home for somewhere less cutthroat and competitive, but you thought that meant somewhere like Alderaan. You didn’t think he’d come back, and you certainly didn’t think you’d actually see him here.  

Rose doesn’t notice your hesitation, continuing to pull you forward and calling out to her friends. She catches their attention, waving, and you brace for the moment of impact. 

Finn is going to be mad that you’re here. He’s going to be furious. He’s going to stand up and yell at Rose about how awful of a person you are and make sure nobody in this town will even so much as smile at you ever again. He’s going to laugh in your face and tell you to go back to Coruscant and you’ll do it because you’re so deeply embarrassed.

The girl turns first, smiling and waving back at Rose. She grins brightly at you as well, obviously unfamiliar but still friendly. Finn turns second with an easy expression, glancing at you briefly before doing a double-take. His face falls, but not into anger like you expect. It drops to confusion, like he’s making sure it’s you, which then turns into half-smug disbelief, a bewildered smile taking over his features. 

Finn speaks first. “No-freaking-way.”

Tension still wracks your body as he steps off the stool, meeting you and Rose in front of the table. Rose looks between the two of you before dropping your hand and covering her eyes.

“Oh my God, I totally forgot about the whole…” She looks to you apologetically, not towards Finn, which confuses you. “I’m so sorry I forgot to say.”

“No, I- it’s okay. I just hope I’m not intruding.” It seems that this town just loves to leave you at a loss for words.

Finn laughs, seemingly completely at ease. “Not unless you’re here to talk about work. Or to try to win me back.”

“God, no. Not that we wouldn’t love to have you back but,” you glance quickly at the friendly girl still sitting at the table, obviously confused. “I understand that you’re much happier here.”

“That I am.”

“Then that’s all I care about.”

Rose absolutely buzzes with energy at the exchange. “Yay! So we’re all still friends and everything?” Her hands are clasped and her hopeful eyes flicker back and forth between the two of you. 

You turn your gaze back to Finn, hoping that you look as genuine as he does. “I hope so.”

“I don’t see any reason why not,” He smiles warmly at you, offering his hand. “Besides, you weren’t exactly the one that left me with a bad taste in my mouth.”

You take his hand easily, and just barely manage to quell your surprise when he uses it to tug you into a warm hug. The recent bombardment of hugs you’ve received in the past few days is the only thing that gets your arms moving properly, wrapping loosely around Finn for a moment before you part. 

As you pull back, an awkwardness comes to hang in the air as a silence settles between the four of you. You suddenly remember the girl at the table seemingly the same moment that Finn does. He pipes up, turning towards her and half leading you to the table where they were sitting. 

“Right, uh, Rey, I’d like you to meet an old friend of mine.” 

You extend a hand and introduce yourself to the woman, Rey, and she lets out an awkward laugh as she takes it. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I was a bit, erm, hesitant to intrude on the moment. Seems like there’s a lot of history going on here.”

“Oh, you have no idea,” Finn laughs before his nose scrunches up in thought. “Actually, you might have some idea. You know the place I used to work before we met?”

Rey’s face twists in disgust. “You mean that awful tech company? God, you couldn’t stop talking about how awful it was for almost a year. Must’ve been terrible. Did you work there too?” 

She looks to you as your cheeks heat up and you can't help the grimace that creeps into your expression. “I actually still do.” 

Finn opens his mouth but Rey beats him to it. “Oh no, that must be awful. What do you do? Get yelled at all day by some tall blonde woman like Finn did?” She chuckles at her own joke, but she’s the only one. Finn and Rose look like they’d rather be anywhere else. Probably at the bar. With strong drinks. Yet, you feel a chill indifference wash over you. The one you feel whenever you walk through the doors of the First Order offices and meetings. 

“Actually I’m the COO.”

Rey’s jaw slackens with the shock, mouth starting and stopping any words she attempts to get out. “I… I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.” Finn has his head fully in his hands and Rose looks like she might die. But you smile softly.

“It’s okay. I’ve heard far worse before. From people whose opinions were far more important.”

The urge to storm out tugs at your gut but your feet stay planted. It’s strange. You’re not quite sure what emotion it is that you’re feeling exactly. There’s anger, but it’s the blow to your pride that fuels it. There’s certainly embarrassment. Mostly, you realize it’s guilt. Guilt that the company you worked so hard to build has hurt people - people that you care about. You knew it happened, probably every day, probably right at this moment, but being faced with the conversations that people must be having behind your back… It hurts. It hurts in many directions. 

“Drinks!” Rose chirps loudly, desperate to break the tension. “I’ll go get us some drinks!”

She spins on a dime and immediately heads towards the bar. Looking between you and Rey, Finn gulps. “She’ll probably need some… help with those…” He’s immediately out of his chair and trailing behind Rose. 

Rey sits quietly, a thoughtful look on her face as you finally take a seat on the stool across from her. The silence hangs for a moment as the jukebox croons quietly in the background. 

“I really didn’t mean it that way,” Rey starts quietly. “It’s just…” She leans towards you, elbows resting in front of her on the table. Her eyes are earnest, kindness pouring forth. “Finn was miserable when we met in Jakku. Work was stressing him out to no end, but mostly… he felt like he was hurting people. He had a stable and successful job but… what did it cost him? All he ever wanted to do was help people.” She sighs, and a small smile tugs at her lips. “I like to think I helped him, but really, he knew all along what he had to do. I’m so grateful that we’re both here now, working with the kids, helping people where it feels like it really matters. I can’t speak for you, but it sounds like you’re proud of your company, and I’m glad but… It just wasn’t right for Finn. I hope I haven’t offended you.”

You’re momentarily stunned by her small speech. Not just the words but her honesty. You can tell from the tone of her voice just how much she cares for Finn and how much she believes in their cause. You find a small stain on the table, gazing at it intensely in thought. You’ve just wanted to help people too, all your life, but making something of yourself always came first it seemed. You told yourself you were helping people, creating new things that made so many people’s lives easier, donating intensely to charities, but how many people were you hurting on the way? How many times can you tell yourself that some eggs must be cracked to make an omelette? How many people have you screwed over, blackmailed, and outright stolen from? How many shady people have you bought from or sold to? How many things have you ignored or swept under the carpet just to keep business running as usual?

“If it helps… Finn always spoke highly of you.” 

You look up as Rey draws you out of your thoughts, something she obviously picks up on going by her smile. 

“Well… He’s a good man. A good friend before he was an employee… I didn’t mean what I said either - about your opinion not mattering. That’s not true, I just…” You trail off, but look up to find comfort and forgiveness in her warm expression. You give her a small genuine smile of your own. “Maybe we should just start over.”

You extend a hand, introducing yourself and she does the same, laughing lightly as she does so. At that moment, Rose and Finn come shuffling over, each balancing a tray with a few colorful drinks and rounds of shots. Placing the trays on the table, Finn eyes your smiles and parting hands. 

“Are you guys… Is everything good now?”

You nod, laughing. “Yes, I think we just got off on the wrong foot.”

“And we’re just here to have a good time and hang out - no work talk.” Rey winks at Finn. He lets out a hearty laugh, clapping you two on the back. 

“Oh, you two are good.”

“Actually, there’s one more thing,” Rose cuts in. She looks absolutely tickled pink, poorly suppressing her roguish grin. Finn and Rey raise an eyebrow in unison, seemingly used to this behavior. 

Rose giggles, “I invited Poe!” 

You instantly feel your heart rate pick up and a gentle heat rise in your cheeks, but it seems your the only one excited about this development. Rey only sighs with an unamused laugh. Rolling his eyes, Finn shakes his head, “That’s not exactly a surprise.” He turns to you. “She invites him out every time. And every time he says no. ‘Too busy.’”

“He never just relaxes,” Rey chimes in. “We’re constantly inviting him out, even inviting ourselves into the shop occasionally, but he’s just so dedicated to his work. It’d be admirable if it wasn’t so annoying.”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” Rose waves her hands around, as if attempting to dispel the negative comments in the air before they reach you. “BUT… I told him a certain special someone was gonna be here!” 

Finn and Rey both turn to you, Rey holding an expression of curiosity and Finn looking at you with new eyes, the gears turning almost visibly in his head. Did she mean you? Everyone seems to be looking at you expectantly so… she must be. Sure, Poe seems to like you well enough but… This is behavior that seems to have been going on for years. How could your presence possibly change that?

“Wh- Me?” You ask, turning to Rose at a sudden loss for words. “Why- What makes me special?”

Rose rolls her eyes so hard her head can’t help but follow. “You are so oblivious. And so special.”

Finn nods, with a grin you can only describe as ‘shit-eating.’ 

“Of course.” He bites his lip deviously. “This is gonna be so fun.”

“Really wha-”

You’re cut off by the sound of the blowing snow and wind as the door creaks open behind you. As if on cue, each of your heads swivel to the entrance to see the door swinging shut behind Poe shaking the snowflakes out of his hair, cheeks ruddy from the outside cold. He looks up from tugging his gloves off to see the four of you gawking at him. If he can tell he just walked in on a discussion of himself, he doesn’t show it. He practically beams at the four of you, but lets his eyes settle on yours.

“Hey guys.”

“This is gonna be so fun,” You hear Finn whisper behind you. 

You fail miserably at trying to hide your smile, but you know it’s for the best. 

______________

 “God, I know it’s embarrassing but... that’s so funny.” Rey chuckles with red cheeks, thoroughly amused.

“But it’s so embarrassing,” You exclaim, a little louder than you’re usually comfortable with but the drinks you’ve been slowly consuming for the past two hours have loosened your tongue just a bit. 

Finn continues to shake his head in laughter. “I do love your mom, though. I wanna thank her for that one. A proper Base welcome.”

“C’mon, it really wasn’t so bad,” Poe laughs. 

Once he’d arrived, everyone made quick work of getting him a drink and dragging over a stool, planting him firmly and snuggly between you and Rose. Small pleasantries and catching up eventually turned into you and Poe recounting the previous night's dinner and conversation at the strong behest of the rest of the group. It mostly consisted of you complaining and apologizing to Poe and him simply laughing it off, attempting to placate your worries. Finn, Rey, and Rose simply watched in entertainment, soaking up every juicy detail. 

“Really, you have to stop beating yourself up about it. You’ll drive yourself insane.” Poe places a hand on your shoulder, sending a little shiver of electricity through your body that you desperately try to curb. You look down at his hand on your shoulder and are struck with the desire to see it as often as possible. Meeting his eyes, they are warm and kind and cause you to immediately lose whatever it was you were going to just say. You are now very aware of just how buzzed you are. 

“I’ll… I’ll try.” You give him a small smile and he accepts it readily, his own smile growing. Over your shoulder, Finn must catch his eye because he swiftly turns his head back to his drink on the table and clears his throat. His hand gives you a small pat and quickly retreats back to his lap. His hand makes a loose fist and you miss its warmth. 

“Well,” Rose starts. “It’s getting late and I am so beat. I should get going.” 

Rose gives a meaningful glance at Finn and Rey, “Isn’t it a school night? You guys should get going too. Don’t want to have to show a video tomorrow.”

Finn’s eyes widen a bit and Rey nods fervently. 

“Yes, absolutely. You’re so right, Rose.” Finn begins standing up from his stool. “C’mon, Rey, we should be off.”

Those fucking conspirators. You know you should be grateful - they’re trying very hard to set you up with your high school crush - but all you can feel is panic. You’re an expert at talking to people, from brokering deals to conducting yourself in interviews and even giving presentations, you’ve trained and practiced in the art of discussion. But for some reason, just being in the same room as Poe makes your brain short circuit. Your mind constantly pulls back and forth whether to close off and shut him out or loosen up and actually let him in. It’s barely been three days but it feels like so much longer. And that’s terrifying.

“Uh-Wh- Are you guys okay to drive?” You sputter.

Finn sends you a reassuring smile as he grabs Rey by the shoulders, “Rey might not be in any state to drive, but I’m totally fine. I’ve had maybe two drinks in the past couple hours. Don’t worry.” 

Rose is off her stool too, gathering her coat. “Could you maybe drop me off too? I’d just walk but it’s so damn cold.”

“No problem, Rose.”

“What about me? I’m supposed to walk then?” You interject, flustered. “Rose, you drove me here.”

Rose gives an exaggerated look of cluelessness, giving you a shrug before looking over at Poe.

Breaking his momentary silence, Poe gives you a nod. “Yeah, I can give you a ride if you want.” 

You can only nod along. “Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you.”

Rose lets out a little squeal, scrambling over to give you a kiss on the cheek and skip out the door, calling out goodbyes over her shoulder. You can’t help but roll your eyes and laugh along with Finn and Rey, both of them giving you and Poe sidehugs before taking their exit as well. 

As the doors swing shut and the silence between you settles, you glance around at the bar. There are about half as many people as there were a few hours ago but the place doesn’t feel empty by any means. The few patrons still mill about, some playing pool, some chatting at the bar. You sigh contently at the sight, something Poe catches as he watches you.

“Good to be home?”

You look over, momentarily studying his handsome features in the warm lights as you try to figure out how to answer his question. 

“I don’t know. Like I said before, it’s not really home. And yet it is.”

He nods, thinking for a second. “But are you happy to be here?”

You eye him, a small smile tugging at your lips. “I’m starting to be.”

“Well, I’ll drink to that.” He grins, holding up his bottle. You meet his with your own, both taking a swig with a smile.

As you settle your drinks back on the table, Poe leans over with a lowered voice. Your pulse thrums in your veins. “You know, I actually had a great time last night, so there’s nothing to worry about.”

You sigh with chagrin, momentarily closing your eyes to rub at the spot between your brows. 

“Well, I’m glad you had so much fun at my expense.” 

Poe leans away, shutting his eyes in his own embarrassment. 

“That’s not what I meant, I’m sorry.”

You chuckle lightly, a sound that gets Poe to open one eye before breaking into a smile, laughing with you. He leans in again, still smiling but a serious tone overtakes him.

“I really understand if you don’t want to talk about it but… What was your mother talking about… with Ben?”

You feel like a bucket of water has been dumped on you, ruining the easy-going mood you’d let slowly wash over you for the past few hours, but when you look at him, you can’t help but want to tell him everything.

“I just… I’ve only heard bits and pieces about what happened after you graduated. You really… disappeared.”

“Not disappeared,” you say quietly, with grit in your voice. “They just started paying attention to me somewhere else.”

“I paid attention to you,” Poe murmurs. When you catch his eye, he corrects himself. “I mean, we all did.”

You smile sadly, “Yeah, this is different.”

Poe gently knocks your shoulder with his, making you let out a snicker. Glancing over, Poe levels you with a genuine look, with soft eyes and a smile. “I get the feeling you don’t talk about your life often. So, tell me about it.”

He’s right. You never talk about your life, you certainly never regale your story to whoever asks. Doing that requires you to be vulnerable, it requires self-reflection and introspection. It requires you to think about things that you’ve long locked away inside. But… 

“Well, I’m not sure how well you remember, or if you ever noticed but… no one ever really talked to me. Then one day, Ben did. No one ever really talked to him either, so we made a fast pair. He was odd... but he was a real friend to me. I wouldn’t have traded that for anything.”

Poe nods understandably, encouraging you to keep going. 

“We decided to stick together. We got into Imperial University together and got out as quickly as we could. Neither of us… We couldn’t stay here, not with what we planned on doing with our lives. This town… it just wasn’t for us.”

“Yeah, I hear that a lot. I get that, too.” Poe takes a drink.

“You do?”

He laughs softly. “Yeah, but that’s a story for another time. Keep going.”

“We learned at school that we worked really well together. Our mentor Snoke realized that, too. He led us, taught us, molded us. He helped us build our company, First Order Tech. He was our first investor, he still sits on the board of directors. Kylo… Ben may be the CEO, but Snoke is still in charge of both of us to this day. It’s our company, we created it from the ground up but… We still bow to him.”

You shake your head. Time for the hard part. Might as well get it out quick and easy.

“Somewhere along the way… I don’t know if it was love. It wasn’t love how it should be - I can tell you that. But, Ben and I… were together. And then he proposed. I don’t think it was because he wanted to. I think he just thought… he was supposed to. Just the natural progression of our lives, I guess.”

You don’t realize you’re crying until the teardrops reach your chin, where they hang heavily before dropping onto your lap. You quickly wipe them away, as Poe once again places a hand on your back, but this time it stays there, his thumb rubbing comfortably back and forth.

“You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to. It’s okay.”

“I just,” You sniffle, wiping your nose. Way to break down just as he was warming up to you, kiddo. “I’ve never talked about this before, not really. I don’t even think I’ve ever cried over this before.”

“Anyway, I somehow became lucid enough to call it off a few months before the wedding.” 

You sniff wetly and press the backs of your hands to your eyes, your makeup no doubt ruined by now. Poe’s thumb keeps its motion.

“I just wanted it so bad,” Your voice cracks. The lump that had been caught in your throat breaks free in the form of a sob. “I let myself be blind because I…”

Your hands are shaking and tears run freely down your face.

“I wanted to be loved. And I thought that’s how I would get it. But I woke up.” 

You drop your hands onto the table, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. You clench your fists and your voice no longer trembles.

“And I’m glad I did. We’re both better people for it.”

Only now do you chance a look at Poe. You had kept your gaze down, too scared to find what his expression might be, too scared to read his thoughts on his face. But his hand had stayed planted, comforting you. That had to mean something, right?

Looking up, you see only his warm gaze that had assured you deeply enough to get you talking in the first place. It carries a sadness, a kind of worry in the crease between his slightly upturned brows. But you find no disgust. No pity. 

“I wish I knew what to say.”

You chuckle wetly, “You don’t have to say anything. I understand that it’s a lot.”

His hand makes a broad stroke across your back as he leans in once again. 

“There’s actually a lot of things I want to say, but I’m sure you’d hate all of them considering they all sound like condescending things your mom has probably said to you over the years.”

A genuine laugh bubbles out of you at this, a bright smile pulling up your wet mascara stained cheeks. Seeing this, Poe can’t help a smile of his own.

“Things like ‘you’re so brave’ and ‘you poor thing’?” You giggle.

He chuckles, “Yeah something like that, the usuals.”

“Well thank you for sparing me.”

“No problem.” He pauses for a moment. “But really, thank you for telling me.”

He sounds like he means it.

“Thank you for listening, Poe.”

And so do you.

You sit like that just for a moment, gazing at each other. You take in the small details, admiring the creases around his eyes, the shape of his jaw, the curls in his hair. He seems to be taking you in as well, his eyes flickering across your features. You see them linger on the stains of your cheeks, turning your head away subconsciously. 

“Ready to go?” He asks softly. 

You smile and nod, wiping at your nose with your sleeve. “Yeah, I think I’m ready.”

You wobble just a bit as you get up from your seat, but Poe’s hand is still there to steady you. It stays there as you walk to the door. Stepping out into the cold, you instinctively huddle against him, a move he readily accepts as you walk.

“I’m not always a sad drunk, I promise.”

You feel the rumble of his chest as he laughs gently at your small joke.

“Don’t worry. I believe you.”

The ride is comfortably silent, except for the low hum of the radio as you drive. Pulling up to your house, you want to say something, do something, to thank him for what he did tonight. For driving you home, for listening to you and comforting you as you practically sobbed in his arms, for coming to the bar at all, supposedly just because you were there. 

But you don’t do anything.

“I’ll see you around,” is all you say. 

You hear him swallow as he nods. “Yeah, I’ll… I’ll see you.”

When you finally slink upstairs and collapse in your bed, you still feel the phantom touch of Poe’s hand across your back. 

-

notes: Whew! Thank you SO much for reading and thanks to all the people who stuck around! It’s been such a long and hard year and I hope everyone is doing okay. I’m determined to make this year great and I hope you all will join me!

I understand it’s been forever so if you’re on the taglist and would like to taken off it, hit me up and I’ll totally understand - and if you’re not on the taglist and would like to be leave a reply or send me a message! love you all <3

taglist: @ikbenplant @jamesdeerest​​ @fortheloveoflamp @operation-spot @asianravenpuff @whovianayesha @ultrunning @nowheredreamer @honestlyjustwow​ @badwolf-212 (for some reason i can never tag you properly :( ) 

#fic: Adore You #poe dameron #poe dameron x reader #poe dameron imagine #reader insert #star wars #mads fics #hallmark au #oscar isaac

[embeanwrites]

Finding Home Gavin Reed x Reader

Chapter 23

Masterlist

It took Gavin and me a total of 30 minutes to get dressed and head to the hospital my dad was at. I tried calling Connor in the car, but he didn’t answer, which caused me to worry even more.

Gavin was driving and he had one hand firmly on my leg that kept bouncing up and down. How did this happen? I kept asking myself as I stared out the window. I thought he was taking care of himself more. Why did this have to happen now? Right when things were getting better between us. Gavin pulled up to the hospital and stopped the car at the emergency room front doors.  

“Go find Connor. I’ll park and catch up.” I nodded and jumped out of the car, practically running into the hospital. I followed the signs for the surgery waiting room. I looked through the door window and saw Connor sitting in a chair with his eyes forward. When I pushed the door open he quickly looked over and got up. I ran to him and hugged him tightly, trying not to cry. He held me equally as tight.  

“What happened?” My voice was raspy, while my mind was racing the rest of my body was still trying to wake up.

“He got up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and I heard the glass drop from my room. I called the ambulance right away. They’re performing an atherectomy right now.” He pulled out of the hug and I reluctantly let go of him.

“Have…” I paused trying to stop myself from crying. “Have the doctors given you any updates?” I heard the door open again and in a second Gavin’s arms were around me. I grabbed his hands and held them tightly, welcoming the warmth and comfort. I noticed my hands were shaking, so I gripped his hands tighter in an attempt to steady them.  

“No, nothing yet. I have only been here for an hour. The surgery takes about two and recovery is about three hours, but that’s according to averages. I don’t know if it will be shorter or longer.” I nodded. “I didn’t mean to make you rush here. Humans need sleep, (Y/n). You can go home and I can call you the moment I get any update.” Connor said softly, I quickly shook my head.

“No, I’m staying here with you.” He started to argue. “Connor, I’m not budging on this.” I untangled myself from Gavin and turned to look at him. I gently took my hands and cupped his cheeks, running my thumbs across his stubble. “Gavin, you have work in a couple of hours, you should go home and get some rest.”

“I’m staying with you for as long as I can. I’ve run on less sleep before.” He put his hands over mine and gently pulled them down. He squeezed my hands and I nodded, grateful he was willing to stay. Connor sat back down and I sat next to him. I grabbed both of their hands and held them.

I woke up still in the waiting room. I must have fallen asleep at some point. Groaning, I sat up and wiped my mouth. I looked over at Connor.

“Oh my god, Connor. I’m so sorry I drooled on you. You should’ve woken me up.” I looked over to my left where Gavin had been.

“He had to get to the precinct. We both decided it would be best not to wake you.” I nodded and yawned. “There have been no updates, but I expect we will hear something soon.” I laid my head back on Connor’s shoulder.

“Are you scared?” I asked softly.

“The surgery has a high survival rate and the ambulance got to the house in under five minutes. Despite those reassuring facts, I still find myself worried.” Connor whispered. I noticed his LED for the first time since arriving. It was red.

“He’s strong, survived a lot. This won’t be any different.” I tried to reassure him, but I knew he could tell I was equally worried.

Another half-hour passed before a doctor finally came to talk to us. Both us stood up and met him halfway. I had my arm wrapped around Connor’s to keep myself from shaking too much.

“Ma’am, are you a part of the Anderson family?”

“Yes, we’re both his kids,” I answered quickly, the doctor gave Connor’s LED a quick glance, but decided not to say anything.

“He got here just in time. The surgery took longer than expected, but there were no major complications. He’s in recovery now.”

“Can we see him?” I asked.

“He’s resting right now. He’ll be in recovery for a couple of hours and then he’ll be moved to an inpatient room. I can have one of the nurses come to get you when he’s been moved.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Connor said. He gave us a tightlipped smile and walked away. We both sat back down. I felt exhausted but relieved. “Maybe you should go home and get some rest.” I shook my head and pulled out my phone.

“No, I’m not leaving.” I went to my email and sent my students an email.

Hi everyone,

Due to a family emergency, we will not be meeting in person on Tuesday. Instead, I am going to post a movie, and then on Thursday, we will discuss how the themes of the movie apply to what we are learning. Don’t worry, the film’s target audience was kids so we should have no problem discussing it. If you’d like to get ahead the film is “The Iron Giant.”

I will see you all on Thursday,

Dr. (L/n)

I decided to send Gavin an update text while I was on my phone.

Dad’s in recovery, the surgery went well. We’ll be able to see him in a couple of hours.

thats good. how r u feeling

Tired and worried. I canceled my class on Tuesday.

im going to talk to fowler, see if i can get time off

You don’t have to.

i know

on a case, ill stop by on my lunch break text me the rm #

Okay, stay safe

I took a deep breath and looked at Connor, his LED was still red.

“Have you told Fowler?” Connor remained to look forward.

“Yes, I alerted him last night. He put us both on leave so I can stay with Hank while he recovers. Nines has also offered to help cover our cases.” I nodded.

“I'll be there for him too, you don’t have to do this alone. My class is only two days a week and I can do my research from home.”

“I appreciate that, (Y/n).” Connor gently reached over and held my hand, I gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand, hoping to show him that he’s truly not alone in this.

We both sat in silence waiting for the nurse to come get us. After what felt like 10 hours she finally came over and led us to his room.

It was weird seeing dad in a hospital bed. It reminded me of my mom. When she was sick I got so desensitized to hospitals. We were in and out so often that it almost became a second home, a lot of the nurses even knew my name and kept up with my life. However, being here now makes it feel like the first time all over again. I hadn’t realized I had still been holding Connor’s hand until he gave me a light squeeze. Dad looked to be waking up.

“Hey Dad,” I said softly, letting go of Connor’s hand to sit in one of the chairs near him. I reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Hey kids,” Dad said hoarsely. “Sorry for scaring you two.” I shook my head back and forth quickly, afraid if I tried talking I would start crying again. I looked up at Connor who took the seat across from me.

“We’re just glad you’re okay, Hank,” Connor said softly.

“Connor, I think we’re pass you calling me Hank.”

“We’re just glad you’re okay...dad.” The three of us smiled and my dad gave a light chuckle.

I’ve been staying at the house for about two weeks now. I had only seen Gavin briefly on Tuesdays and Thursdays when he would stop by my office on his lunch break to check in on me. I can tell that everyone around me was walking on eggshells, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I felt as if I was coasting and I couldn’t seem to break out. Gavin was being extremely understanding of this whole situation. He’d even sent flowers to my office and some flowers to my dad. He also sent a bottle of whiskey that Connor immediately confiscated.

Connor ended up giving up his “room” so I could sleep there while I was helping him with dad. I tried to talk him out of it, but all he really used it for was to store clothes since he didn’t need sleep. He didn’t mind going into stasis on the couch. Connor seemed grateful that I stayed around to relieve some of the burden, besides it was nice being able to spend time with just Connor. I also think dad appreciated me being here to stop Connor from going crazy about his health and what he was eating. I did agree to an extent, but blanched chicken breast with no seasoning, not even a little bit of salt, is crazy.  

Connor and I were sitting on the couch watching some forensics show, that Connor enjoyed picking apart, while dad was resting in the other room. He seemed to be doing a lot better, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back to my apartment except to get clean clothes.

do u wanna come over tonight? connor can handle taking care of ur dad for one night

I don’t know, I have a phone interview tomorrow for my research.

tomorrows saturday

I know, but I’m interviewing Chris and that’s his day off.

u can do a phone interview from my house tho

i know u dont want to leave him yet but its one night and u need a break

ask connor he agrees with me

I bit my lip and looked up at Connor. His brows were furrowed as he rolled his eyes at something the “detective” said on tv. I kicked him softly with my foot to get his attention.

“Do you want me to leave?” I asked tentatively. Connor gave me a gentle look and a small smile. He turned towards me and folded his hands in his lap.

“I think a break is healthy, (Y/n). You only leave the house to go to your class and office hours. I can handle things here. Plus I’m sure you miss Gavin and he misses you.” He said softly. I groaned.

“I don’t like you and Gavin planning things behind my back.” He smiled.

“It’s for your own good. Just go out for one night and come back tomorrow, even if you two decide to just hang out at Gavin’s home. You need to take a break.”

“Just one night,” I whispered looking at my phone.

Pick me up in 30 minutes?

got it pipsqueak. nines is coming over too, something about not wanting to stay at the precinct all night again. is that ok?

Of course!

Some part of me did agree with Connor and Gavin. I was antsy in the house, but I was still worried about not being there when I’m needed. What if something else happened to dad while I was gone? What if Connor needed help and I wasn’t able to get back in time?

“You’re biting your thumb, (Y/n).” Connor’s voice broke through my thoughts and I moved my hand away from my mouth. Connor had begun calling me out whenever I was becoming overly anxious, which was both sweet and annoying.

“Sorry, nerves.” I gave him a wobbly smile.

“He will be fine. I know you’re worried, but I promise I will contact you the moment I fear something may be wrong. He’s been doing really well, it won’t be long until he’s cleared to return to work for desk duty.” Connor put his hand on my shoulder and I nodded.

“I know you’re right. It’s just hard sometimes to turn off that part of my brain.” I gave a nervous chuckle and he nodded his head.

“You should pack a bag, I’m assuming Gavin will be here soon?” I laughed.

“Wow, you sure are in a rush to get rid of me!” Connor rolled his eyes and shook his head. I stood up and stretched.

“Self-care is important, (Y/n).” I waved him off as I headed towards Connor’s room. Grabbing my backpack I filled it with some clothes, a laptop, and my phone charger. I sat down on the bed and fiddled with my bag. The room was just as bare as last time. Once dad was better I wanted to take Connor shopping so he could make the room more his. It would be interesting to see what he would pick out.

Snapping out of my thoughts I put on my backpack and walked back to where Connor was watching tv. I knelt down and started petting Sumo. He was lazing on top of Connor’s feet. I looked up at Connor, he was still entranced by the tv.

“Hey, Con?” I heard him hum. “Once things calm down do you want to go shopping for some decorations for your room? To make it more...you.” He glanced down at me with a small smile.

“I think that could be fun.” I smiled back at him. Things between us felt so natural as a brother and sister duo. Sometimes it felt like we grew up together, I guess for Connor’s case that wasn’t too far apart since he’s only been around for about a year.

“What kind of things do you like? Like what would you want in your room?” His brows furrowed for a moment, but it quickly turned into a smile.

“I would like a lava lamp.” I laughed abruptly, causing Sumo to jump a bit.

“A lava lamp? Connor why?” I said in between laughs, where had he even seen a lava lamp? His face flushed a light blue.

“They look cool. One of the characters in this show has one.” He responded sheepishly. I shook my head and let out another laugh.

“You are the biggest dork I’ve ever met.”

“You’re the one showing her students old movies because she thinks they’re underappreciated.” He teased back.

“Wow, look at you! You’re learning how not to be so uptight all the time.” He frowned.

“I’m better than Nines!” Connor crossed his arms across his chest and huffed in defiance.

“Well, you have had more time as a deviant than him. I’m sure he’ll pass you at some point.” Before Connor could respond my phone went off. “Ah, Gavin’s here. Are you sure you’ll be okay for the night? It’s not too late for me to cancel.” Connor’s expressions soften.

“Everything will be fine. I promise” I nodded and got up.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, text me updates?” I nervously fidgeted with the front door handle.

“Of course, (Y/n).” He gave me a reassuring smile. I took a deep breath and walked to Gavin’s car. Nines was already moving to the backseat, I briefly wondered if he had decided to do that on his own or if Gavin had asked him. Gavin smiled and waved at me. It really had been a while since we’ve relaxed together. I smiled back and got into the car.

“Hey, pipsqueak.” Gavin greeted me, leaning over to give me a kiss on the check.

“Hi Gavin, hi Nines.”

“Hello (Y/n). Thank you for letting me spend some time with you two. I appreciate the break from the precinct.” I nodded, as Gavin started driving.

“Do you always stay at the precinct?” I asked, turning around to look at him. He was sitting up straight with his hands in his lap. As always he looked overly formal.

“Yes, there has been an android apartment complex go up and I have been thinking about getting an apartment there, but as of right now I am perfectly content at the precinct.”

“Except tonight.” I teased, for a brief second his LED flashed yellow and then back to a calm blue.

“If I’m honest I also wanted to check up on you and make sure you’ve been taking care of yourself.” I groaned and closed my eyes.

“Great now I have two overbearing androids worrying about me.” Gavin let out a small chuckle.

“Would you really want it any other way?” Gavin asked. I could hear the smirk in his voice.

“No, I wouldn’t,” I responded softly.

#gavin reed x reader #gavin reed #detroit become human #dbh #rk800connor #Connor dbh #hank anderson #x reader

[omegastryker]

How a Fan Helped a Sick Stars Player

Seattle, WA

5pm

The city in which the newest NHL will take place on 2021. A Stars fan has been wanting for this to come. Watching live stream of his team + interviews of the players and Tyler.

6pm

Tyler is having dinner with his friends and is having the time of his life. Just enjoying their company. Finishing cooking. His friend Jordan continues where he left off.

T-Tyler?

Yeah?

6:25

His friend finishes cooking and turns off the stove. Then suddenly...right there and then as he drinks BioSteel Red

I knew it! He's unresponsive. - Jordan

---

His other friend (Klott) alerts James via I.G

So for the remainder. James and his Mom was given a free ticket via the Stars. "Please James, your the only one." said Benn

Jetting from Seattle to DFW via the Southwest Air. They touchdown at the airport in 10p. There, they meet the coach. He tells them the situation.

Prior to this, James got a notice during work that he will be temporarily relocated to the Albertsons branch in Dallas

---

The girl who has been following Tyler is nowhere to be seen for the first time. Rather, in one of the days where James didn't have any work. He'd visit his friend and work with Stars.

Always on her phone, when there were times when he proposed a no media. So that he could spend time with his friends and "so-called" friend. But she wouldn't comply. But what made him sick?

Was it due to the BioSteel drink that if allowed to see James, a Stars fan from Seattle. That she'd spike his drink? Or due to a hot temp? James, along with Jordan questioned what happened.

James checked his drink. So the hot temp was out of the question. Being like a swat cop. That's odd...is that girl still here?!

Klott goes to catch that girl who was on her way out.

Not so fast. Klott cuffs her. James went out to question her. "Did u do something to his BioSteel drink? Don't act like a princess. I want answers, and I want them now.

What did u do during that time his friends were outside?

K, I admit it. I spiked the drink.

So it is true. U just made him sick. James, why don't u go to see him. I'll take her down to the DFW court *damn, and I had to miss my flight. Due to this - he said in his mind* - Jordan.

James took his motocross bike made for the streets to see #91.

As he parked his bike in a free from pay zone parking spot in the garage, turned off his bike. Grabbed his keys and headed inside. Asked at the receptionist if there was a Seguin. And it checked out. The doctors led him to #91's room. How did u know about 91 - some would say.

He watched games upon games of the Stars, but couldn't get the chance to see them live in person.

Well, until now. - Tyler said with a smile

Are u sure you're supposed to be up and about sir? U just woke up. - said a doctor.

Yeah, I'll be ok. More importantly that it's really cool that u guys made the long haul trip work here. - said a nurse

How did u know? - Tyler

Oh, his friend got (who is a boss in Albertsons) got in contact with me. Making it so that he can work on days that the Stars doesn't have any home game - said a nurse

James told his buddy what happened...

Yeah, I figured as much. She never did set her eyes on me. Despite her hovering over me or being next to me to see what I was doing. It never seemed to work. And u can guess why she was on a blocking people spree. Never wanted people, heck even the Stars community know what she was up to. Making them like "media blind".

But to worry about me too along with the Stars. It's like you found a new brother.

The DFW doctor also comes in."How's our Stars player?" - he said

Much better. - said Tyler

I requested someone to take your car home. Why don't u spend the day with him?

Thanks. It's just what I wanted. - Tyler

Riding with his buddy James on James' motocross bike for the first time. Tyler got to show his buddy places that he hasn't been to while he was in Dallas. Like the Dallas Arboretum and Botanical Garden, the Dallas eye, Dallas Museum etc... turning a sour day in to a brighter day. While taking either a hilarious selfie or a photobomb. Of which Tyler did, at the end of their journey (which included a private practice into the practice arena). Both cracked up as did the team, with Tyler's shenanigans.

Oh man, I needed that - said Tyler

How're u feeling? - James

Much better, thanks to u and the doctors. And thnaks, for reminding that it's not just about me. But first and foremost about the fans - Tyler

Anytime bud.

---

Thus, the girl who was with Tyler really didn't like the idea of fans wanted to see Tyler. So instead, she planed on having a whole day with him. For her, that didn't happen. Due to him getting sick.

#James Tan #Tyler Seguin #dallas stars fan #dallas stars player

[amanda-fior]

I shared my personal mental health story with my vet class

I shared my very personal story with my classmates for R U OK day in our private facebook group and I received so much love and support. This is a copy of my post:

Today was R U OK day. I thought I would take this opportunity to talk about my recent experience with mental health and trying to find help. Sorry in advance for rambling. Also, just a warning that this is a pretty full on post. I just want to share it because mental health is something that most vets and vet students will struggle with at some point. It is important to know that you’re not alone and to speak up if you think it might help someone.

A few months ago, I had suicide ideations. I knew I had to go to the hospital to remain safe. Starting that conversation with my mum was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I have attempted suicide in the past and my partner at the time convinced me to tell my mum, who reacted very badly. She didn’t understand depression or anything like that at the time and her mind went straight to my brother who died when I was younger. He had been in a car accident and spent his 19th birthday on life support before it was switched off. My suicide attempt brought all that back for my mum and she yelled, “How DARE you?! Your brother fought as hard as he could for his life and you just want to throw yours away?!”

The second reason I was scared to get help, was the way the mental health nurse in Armidale treated me last time. She did not appear to care at all and clearly didn’t believe me when she asked if I had been sexually assaulted as a child. She asked me that same question several times and then made a face when she finally wrote my answer (”no”) on her clipboard.

Thankfully, this time my mum and the hospital staff were much more supportive.

I was admitted to the low care mental health unit, which is a locked ward. It is a secure and safe place but it did nothing to actually help me mentally.

The first thing that I was required to do, was very confronting. The mental health nurse that I was assigned to, along with a student nurse, led me into a conference room to meet with the psychiatrist. There was also a psychiatrist registrar and 2 other students in the room. 6 strangers. We sat in a semi circle and everyone looked at me. I couldn’t make eye contact but I knew some people had their hands posed, ready to write or type. The psychiatrist asked me why I was there. I thought it was pretty damn obvious why I was there. I had already been interviewed by about 5 nurses who kept repeating the same questions. Surely someone had passed along the message. I mumbled that I wanted to hurt myself.

“Yes. And when you say you want to hurt yourself, what do you mean exactly?”

I told them that I wanted to end my life. He still wasn’t satisfied. He wanted to know all of the details. How. With what. When. How far into my plan had I got? So I tried my best to answer his questions while my answers got scribbled and typed down.

After that, I assumed I would be bombarded with help. Pamphlets for programs, mental health workers, counsellors, support programs, group therapy, art therapy.... but there was none of that.

The psychiatrist told me he would increase the dose of my anti-depressants to see if it made a difference. My nurse and the student nurse took me to my room. I had been scanned by a metal detector and had my phone taken away when I arrived. Everything was secured into place to prevent us from hurting ourselves. No electrical items were allowed inside. No shoelaces. No belts. No aerosols. We weren’t even allowed to keep shampoo in our rooms. There was hot water for de-caffinated tea. A sandwich press was brought out at breakfast for making toast and then locked away again.

My nurse asked if I was anxious (lol) and gave me some pills. I didn’t ask what they were. I went to sleep until someone woke me for dinner. I had a new nurse. Another consumer (that’s what they call patients in the ward, consumers) gave me a whirl-wind tour of the facility, not that I can even remember what her voice sounded like, I was too out of it. But I did learn that there is a whiteboard in the nurses station that has our room number, name and our nurses name on it. There were about 4 nurses on at a time and we had to go to them for every little thing. But they changed shift regularly, so if you had to arrange something like a CSU medical certificate, it was hard because once you got somewhere with the last nurse, you had to explain the whole thing over again to the new nurse.

They checked on us every hour. All through the night. It wasn’t very dark in my room but each hour a blast of fluorescent light invaded for a few moments, disrupting whatever sleep I had managed to find. The night staff started at 10pm and from then on, you could get sleeping pills. They helped a little.

I was woken early the next morning by a nurse who seemed to be running behind schedule. She didn’t wait for my eyes to adjust to the light, let alone for my brain to remember where I was before rolling down my sleeve.

“Just taking some blood,” she explained hastily.

“Oh, I had bloods taken yesterday.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” she replied, ripping the tiny, circular band-aid off.

Each morning, we were woken at 7 for breakfast, medication and we had our temperature and blood pressure measured. I don’t know what their obsession was with blood pressure but mine was measured several times each day. After breakfast, there was nothing to do. We could watch TV, colour-in (if we asked our nurse to get us the pencils etc) or we could pace the hallway. I just went back to bed and reassured the nurses each hour that I wasn’t dead. Eventually, it would be time for me to see my psychiatrist registrar. This was the only mental health care we received. He would ask how I was feeling, enquire about my appetite (nil), sleep (disrupted) and asked if I felt safe in the ward (I still don’t know if he meant safe from myself or from the other consumers but I just said yes each time).

On my first morning, my nurse brought me a bunch of paperwork to sign. She explained that I was an involuntary patient. Two days later, I told my brother that I still had no idea what I was supposed to DO in the ward. There was no stimulation whatsoever. It was just me and my own mind. And the nurses kept asking if I was hearing voices so many times that I actually started to question myself. My brother, who had been visiting me daily, asked my nurse how long I was going to be there. She explained that my psychiatrist would review me in a week. A week!!! A different psychiatrist comes each weekday (from Sydney or Melbourne) and the psychiatrist registrars communicate with them throughout the week. The registrar can grant leave for an hour each day but only once you’re a voluntary patient. Only the registered psychiatrist can formally discharge consumers.

The days dragged on after that. I was made a voluntary patient a few days later and the nurse brought me my new paperwork to sign. It turned out that the only real difference between voluntary and involuntary was that they could no longer give me ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) without my consent. So that was a plus. And yeah, they still do that. But it’s now done under anaesthetic. My ex used to complain about all the old people who get it done because their heart rates would suddenly shoot up dangerously high and sometimes it caused strokes.

The psychiatrist registrar asked how I felt about the prospect of returning home. I told him that I didn’t really care where I was but my family wanted me to have a plan and ongoing support. I also wanted to be connected with a counsellor or psychologist before I went home. The registrar and the nurses told me all of that would be arranged before I left.

But it wasn’t. I was discharged the day before my psych was due to see me and it all happened really quickly. I suspect it had more to do with the number of beds rather than an actual improvement in my mental health. Nothing had actually been done in the week I was there except for an increase in my anti-depressant dose. But I was so overwhelmed at the thought of being able to walk more than 10m without turning around and getting to see my animals that I didn’t think to ask about the support I had been promised.

They did put me in contact with a community health worker. I saw her once a week and she asked how I was sleeping, appetite, whether I had self-harmed etc. I told her that I wanted to see a psychologist and she said that was a great idea. She didn’t offer any further assistance. When I questioned her about it at our next meeting, she said that I needed to talk to my GP about getting a mental health plan. Her tone sounded impatient, as if I should have known that already. I started to get angry with the whole system. It had been three weeks since I had walked into the hospital and told them I wanted to kill myself and it still seemed so hard to access any help.

Two days later, I attempted suicide.

This time, I actually tried the method Leigh Ladd mentioned in class the other day - diazepam and alcohol. I had planned to get into the backyard swimming pool for good measure, but I didn’t make it that far. I actually felt validated for the first time when Leigh Ladd talked about this in class. Until then, all of the medical professionals had scoffed at my method and made remarks like, “Ha, that was never going to work. You could take 2000mg of valium and all you’d do is fall asleep.”

Maybe they were ignoring the fact that mixing it with a lot of alcohol depresses your respiratory system, maybe they didn’t hear the part about the swimming pool or maybe they were just trying to talk me out of trying it again, but it just made me feel like a complete idiot.

I woke up in the emergency room, crying and hugging my sister. My memory is very patchy due to the benzodiazepine-induced retrograde amnesia. I had a big bandage on my wrist from where I had self harmed. I don’t remember doing that but I think it was to distract myself from the mental pain during my attempt. My sister later told me that her and my mum had to leave the room when the doctor sutured my arm. Apparently, they didn’t give me any local before suturing it and I was screaming in pain for them to stop. I’m glad I don’t remember that at all.

I was taken back to the low dependency unit and back talking to a psychiatrist. This time, it was a woman. I expected to be spending another week in the unit but one of the first things this psych asked me was about going home. Apparently they didn’t want to “institutionalise” me. I spent just 2 days in the ward.

My family were looking into any and all kinds of programs for me to get help. I asked the registrar psychiatrist about any recommendations. He said there were programs but they were expensive if you don’t have private health insurance. He didn’t elaborate. A nurse signed my family up for some carers help program. They also referred me to a program called Wellways, which is about suicide prevention. Turns out that the only people who can be referred are those who have actually attempted suicide, not just thought about it, which is why I hadn’t been eligible before.

I was eligible for help from Wellways for 3 months. They could refer me to further help if I needed financial counselling, emergency accommodation and things like that. But not counselling or anything.The lady who I dealt with only worked 2-3 days a week and I didn’t find the program helpful at all.

My family were disgusted with the lack of help I got. My sister talked to some people at her work (in community health) and gave me the names of 2 private psychiatrists. I saw my GP and arranged referrals but they were booked out for months. One of them was finally able to fit me in earlier after I pleaded with the receptionist. It cost $800 for the appointment (I could reclaim some of that on medicare but I’m forever grateful that my family were able to lend me money). I wasn’t impressed with what I got for my $800. He asked why I was there. I told him my story and he asked why I had attempted suicide. I told him that I didn’t want to live anymore (it rolls off the tongue more easily the more you say it) but again, he asked why. Every answer I gave him, he said, “But why?”

I left with a script for a new medication that was supposed to help me sleep but has actually given me nightmares and made my sleep pattern worse. It’s also not on the PBS and costs a lot of money so I’m weaning myself back off it. When I told the community health worker about seeing the psychiatrist, she seemed annoyed that I had gone behind her back to get help and told me that there were community health psychiatrists who are very good at what they do. She asked me to get the private psych to forward her his notes. I would have gladly seen a free or cheaper psychiatrist but that was the first (and last) that she mentioned their existence. I again told her that I wanted to be connected with a psychologist and she basically told me to keep her in the loop if I make any more appointments.

I went back to my GP and asked for a referral to a psychologist. But when I rang to book an appointment with the one he recommended, the receptionist told me they no longer work there. They booked me in to see someone else. I was just happy that I was finally going to see someone who might actually help. I have seen her 3 times now and she is really lovely. I complained to her about my GP (I left those details out of this post because it’s already too long!!) and she gave me the name of another doctor that I have started to see. This new doctor is much more understanding and has been doing further tests to see if I have any underlying health problems. I’m now getting cosmetic injections to improve the appearance of the scars on my wrist, I’m getting an iron infusion for my anaemia and she is helping me combat my anxiety as well.

This is the first time in months that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m finally working with a psychologist and I’m willing to try anything. Over the summer, I’m hoping to do an 8 week recovery program. I’m also hoping to do some equine therapy in the future. The most important thing for me, is that people are finally listening.

I’m sorry that this is so long (and a bit confronting) but I didn’t want to censor it. I want people to know how hard it can be to get help. There are so many ads on the TV etc about getting help for depression but I swear most of their money must go into advertising and paying admin because finding actual help was so much harder than I would have imagined. I want people to know how long this road is - because one day you will probably have to be there for a friend, family member or yourself - and it’s not just a matter of making one phone call or having one conversation. It’s an ongoing process and it’s difficult. Some people who work in mental health are complete dicks and they just don’t get it.

Don’t be scared about saying the wrong thing to a friend/family member. I don’t remember what my friends/family said to me - I just remember that they were there. That was the big thing, having my family supporting me and forcing me to keep seeking help even though I wanted to give up.

Please be there for your loved ones. And please feel free to come talk to me, even if we have never spoken before. Struggling with mental health isn’t something that I’m ashamed of (anymore). Hopefully sharing my story might help someone else, somehow.

I received so many private messages from people who shared their own stories and offered support. These were the comments left on my post:

I'm a shy person and did not expect that kind of response. It is amazing how many people really do care and are more than willing to offer support ❤❤❤

#support #mental health #personal #tw #cw #tw: suicide #tw: self harm #self harm #suicide #R U ok day

[angelicdemonx13-blog]

My n Nana’s story long version

Most of the things in my life I only explain ever once in a while, when i’m ready because in transitioning from young adult to adult we sometimes feel like we need to prove things or defend our choices or actions. When we don’t. There are very few ppl that are entitled to information or have your best interest at heart. The fact that they are trying t force information out of u, manipulating, n making u feel bad for nothing u did wrong, for information that is none of their business, shows that.

I’ve even had some doctors be insensitive, u know ppl u think know better, or would have more tact or care. ““I have a fur baby” “ehhh that’s not the same really”  

I came home from deployment n got a truck, my first rented home, n I went to get my dog oreo who had been boarded all deployment. I had paid throughout deployment, but even returning it’s a costly thing. I still owed 2,000$ I paid 1,000$ til I could pay the rest.

Soon after that I was invited to a family mountain trip camping, and I took oreo, n she did great n had a good time, I left early for a relatives wedding and to visit a bf/ old friend of mine n brought oreo home.

Soon after that, my rented home, was not fenced n sat on a 5 lane highway. It was middle of the night early morning, 12am -5am n she was out pottying, n got a wild hair up her butt n ran across the street, no traffic. I called her, n she was on her way back across, when a black truck hit her, I don’t know what happened after that. She didn’t come t my side. N I looked fir her for days, n talked to neighbors. I didn’t find her.

I was distraught, I had recently lost my biological mother, n it hit me hard, I barely had her back.

A military friend had a puppy that they couldn’t keep, asking 400$ for her, I gave them 300$ intending t pay the rest, but that friend has never faulted me for that 100$.

A pure bred shepherd months old puppy, whose mom was a prize winning show dog n dad was a police dog.

Nana came into my life when I needed her most. N that started our journey together taking her on walks at the park. We hadn’t gotten her vaccinated yet cuz we just hadn’t gotten to it yet. She got parvo.

Again I just lost my biological mom, that I don’t feel like I got enough time t get my shit together so I could spend more time with her, oreo was gone,n now my saving grace was about t b taken too. Dogs surviving parvo is slim.

But I cleaned n sanitized, figured out what it was, n one evening decided to take her to the emergency animal hospital, bleeding all over the back seat of my truck, sat for hours for them t tell me they were keeping her over night, n sending meds home, for maybe...n it would  cost 600$.

I didn’t have pet insurance, I paid the 600$, n went home n waited. I came t get her the next day. Brought her home with meds. N continued to clean n sanitize, n crush up her pills in water t get them down her throat with a syringe, n keep water in her with the syringe.

n she lived. She is such a fighter.

Potty n poop accidents, trying t train her t potty, her eating everything because she thinks she’s a goat, the fire mantel bottom bricking, the side of doors like cribbing, she ate my chair, like ppl had reapolstered it, n she ripped the back out n chewed on the old wood, the metal brackets, n there was even a sowing needle that fell out, thank goodness I got it before she tried t eat that, her being afraid of a feather, because she’s not ok with anything, until she can put it in her mouth. She has ruined, eaten, or broken cuz of her energy tons of special things t me, but that’s just stuff n she’s a living breathing, once ever thing that I only got a number of days with.

Soon after that, I lost my home. N that started me n her bouncing around from relatives n friends, areas I could keep her, trying t get on my feet. A pampered expensive dog went from nice surroundings to areas where it’s outside encloses that I come every couple of days to feed her n exercise her. N I know she thought she did something wrong, but I kept coming back. Long nights n hours in her crate bouncing around.

Her taring up other ppls stuff, that were helping us out. During my stay in transitional housing, in advocating for emotional support animals and educating, it’s a fight. My first peer support counselor, which is the person who is supposed to help u find housing prospects, n drive u there n help you navigate the rental interview process, did not want to back me up on my pet needs. He told me a story about his son having a shepherd n loving the dog n training it n they moved n had to shelter the dog, n tore his son up n decided they could keep it, but by the time they did, the dog had been homed.....so his story was that, it’s a nice breed it will go fast....sure she looks like a nice dog, but with her behavioral issues early, I knew ppl would not anticipate how much care she needs and she would bounce around n b in danger. With that in mind, here specific needs, the fact that I’ve invest money, time, n care into this animal, makes me the right care taker.

At a relatives house, I was trained her and taking long walks into downtown, taking her into post offices to teach her to sit quietly. N we had just come from a walk down town in my truck, I thought I had tired out n she usually did good with staying in a home yard but once in a while she’d get a wild hair up her butt, n run off, n she did that this night. She bolted off n I went after her calling her, n the same thing only in reverse. I heard her. I heard her get hit, I didn’t see it, and I found her. I picked her up a good size shepherd at 3-4 yrs. old. N carried her across a field as far as I could. N almost out of the field I put her down n told her ur gonna have t walk n she walked the rest of the way to the shed I was keeping her in. My cousin, a nurse, helped me get the bleeding t stop, n bandage her n give her meds. She does not like t stay down, it wasn’t long before she was back up n seemingly walking like normal, n I didn’t think anything was wrong.

We wouldn’t take quit as long walks and at her pace.

After this, when Nana n I were living in the trailer, before transitional housing, I noticed after our long walks, that here leg would be tender n ginger. She started getting red hairless areas that she chewed that no matter what I did,changing her food, put on it, I didn’t know what it was or what t do. But we were getting whatever food we could at that time too. It was during this time, a really low point, that anything I did was for her. I got up n dud stuff for her, I stayed positive fir her, I went t work no matter what was going on to provide for her, I stayed healthy n fit with n for her. I was in this position b/c any affordable housing option in this area either didn’t allow dogs, or didn’t allow her breed. N I, have no children, I’m a adult can fend fir myself. She’s a responsibility that I said yes to. I would rather live in a tent with my dog than not with her. Whatever food I had, she’s getting some. If we had McDonald’s, she’s either getting half of burger or she’s getting nuggets n water. No electricity, some running water but no hot water, we had heat, n food. N I could go t a near friends house to shower, wash clothes n bring back water n food for her. I worked a lot n she would b coupled up in the trailer fir 8 hrs at a time not using bathroom n no safe large area fir her t play n run. I would come let her out fir a bit n put right back, or I worked 7pm -closing shift n I’d bring her in my truck, windows down, dark evening, with water in a bowl n her food or treats for the evening. So after work, I could take her t a near by park which was still across town, to let her run n exercise, b/c no safe area at our trailer park. Before going home, eating something, washing up, n bed. N us sleeping, letting her out real quick, n after work was all the time we got together.

Soon after this, I decided to do something to get in a better position to care for both me n her. I put her in Guardian Angels for soldiers pets, so I could come to Charlotte n get on my feet. Everything that I did staying focused, completing it as quickly as I did, was motivated by wanting to get situated to get her back. It was in this n her intake vet exam that I found out the red spots were her being allergic t gluten, I also found out that her leg had grown it was a bit dislocated, n some muscle had grown between to pinch, but there wasn’t much to do about it at this point. She runs n does like normal but it needs t b rested some, n t watch her. 

All these factors, along with I don’t like to be away from her for extended amounts of time, anything is better if she can be there. I do pay attention to her, I take information about her seriously. She is a investment, she is a support system that is always here. She isn’t 9-5. She makes me smile even recently when I’m crying, she laid in the cold with me at my lowest point heating me. She is not optional. This is why I fight for animals, for animal support. I get it if your not as committed as I am, it takes a certain type of person to advocate constantly. But my dog is worth it. 

[megatraven]

♚ for chlolyanette (hey meggi ily how are you (my discord is down :( ))

♚: Soulmates have birthmarks that signify where their soulmate will first touch them

This is old now, I’m so sorry :’) Hi Lib i love u sm im ok how’re you? also this got longer than I thought it would sorry frgtrffdg

AO3

Chloe Bourgeois did not like Marinette Dupain-Cheng, not from the moment she laid eyes on her. Or maybe she did like her, but feelings were complicated and Chloe was jealous over how well-liked Marinette was.

Maybe that’s why she ignored Marinette’s gasp when the first thing Chloe did was get up in her face, pointing at her so intensely that her finger touched the very tip of Marinette’s nose. Maybe that’s why she refused to acknowledge the birthmark sitting on her finger, or the one that balanced on Marinette’s nose.

No, instead of stopping and staring because, at the great age of 10, she had met her soulmate, she instead chose to tell Marinette to stay away from her and stomped away.

She was too young to know what she had done would hurt.

But in the following years, she learned of that pain and heartache.

When she and Marinette were 14, Alya Cesaire joined their class. Chloe being Chloe, she didn’t pay any mind to the new girl. In fact, she didn’t even bat an eyelash at seeing her enter the room. The only thing that caught her attention was the large birthmark on her wrist, which Chloe instantly grabbed onto when Alya had tried sitting next to her.

She glared and shook her head at the new girl, whose brows were drawn together in confusion until Sabrina came in and sat where she had tried to.

“Oh. Didn’t know you were saving the seat, sorry.”

“Whatever. Just sit somewhere else,” Chloe muttered, letting go of Alya’s wrist before returning her attention to her phone.

She didn’t look back up until Alya walked away to sit in the front row, the birthmark on her palm tingling.

She almost missed it, when she laughed over Marinette tripping down the stairs. But it was unmistakable- Alya, who had a second birthmark on the hand opposite the wrist Chloe had touched, grabbed Marinette’s arm, below the sleeve, and helped her to her feet.

Both stared at one another for a long moment before breaking into smiles and introductions.

Chloe hid her disappointment and ignored the sadness in her heart by focusing on Adrien, who hadn’t yet come to class like he was supposed to.

And, when he didn’t show up at all, she promised herself that that was the only reason she started to tear up.

Alya sided with Marinette over her.

After her first encounter with Ladybug, and following their many encounters after that one, Chloe often searched herself for a third birthmark on her back.

She’d checked mirrors after mirrors, had taken pictures with her phone and a selfie stick, and even told her butler to check again. And again. And again.

But, there was no birthmark on her back, where Ladybug first held her when Stoneheart had thrown her to her from the Eiffel Tower.

“Check again, Jean Baptiste,” she commanded, crossing her arms and turning around for him.

With a sigh, her butler did as she told, and repeated what he’d already told her a hundred timed. “There is nothing there, mademoiselle.”

Chloe squared her shoulders and bit her lip, refusing to let the tears in her eyes fall.

“Check. Again,” she whispered, voice shaking.

He did.

But nothing was there.

Getting her miraculous was the best thing to happen to Chloe since meeting Adrien when she was a little kid.

Not only did she get to work alongside Ladybug, who was amazing and kind and an inspiration, despite not being Chloe’s soulmate, but she also gained a chance to get closer to Marinette and Alya both.

Her first opportunity to do so came when she was just quick enough to whisk Marinette out of an akuma’s path. She zigged and zagged around buildings until she was sure she’d lost the akuma before setting Marinette down.

“You alright there?” she asked, nervous but not backing down.

“Thanks to you, I am! I really appreciate it,” Marinette answered with a smile.

“Um, right, o-of course! Anytime you need saving, I’ll totally be here!” Queen Bee exclaimed, wincing at how she sounded. But then Marinette laughed, just a bit, and suddenly she didn’t care so much. “Well, stay out of trouble! I gotta buzz!”

Not waiting for a response, she stepped away and flew off, back towards the akuma with her heart hammering in her chest for reasons unrelated to the monster that nearly swatted her down when she arrived back on the scene.

The next opportunity came when Alya approached her for an interview.

She was far less nervous talking to Alya than she had been talking with Marinette- maybe because her history with Marinette went further back, and wasn’t any better.

“Oh, man, thank you so much for agreeing to do this! You’ve been around for like, a month and I’ve barely gotten any good pictures because you’re always flying too fast- speaking of which, that’s so cool that you can fly!” Alya exclaimed, bouncing in place just a little.

“You’re right, it is pretty cool,” Queen Bee said, sitting up straighter and puffing her chest out proudly. “Not even Ladybug can fly yet.”

“I bet it really comes in handy, right? What’s been your best use of it so far?”

Chloe thought about it for a moment and tapped her fingers to her chin.

“Well… I think it’ll have to be that I saved one of my soulmates from an akuma.”

“Really? Can I ask how you know they’re your soulmate? How do birthmarks work around the magic of a miraculous?”

“I know because I’ve met them before, out of the suit. And I don’t know. That’s more a question you should be asking Ladybug or Chat Noir, not the newbee,” she said with a laugh.

“That’s fair.” Alya nodded to herself and wrote something down on a notepad. Queen Bee watched her ever move, knowing this wasn’t something she could do as Chloe.

“Alright then, so…”

A few weeks later, Ladybug answered the question Alya had asked Queen Bee first.

“The magic masks all traces of birthmarks to ensure our secret identities. For example: I’ve got one neck-up, but you can’t tell where or how big.”

Chloe reached for her laptop’s screen-

“And yes, I’ve already met my-”

-and slapped it down against the keyboard, cutting Ladybug’s words off.

She didn’t really want to hear them.

Eventually, when Hawk Moth was defeated and Le Paon rose to be top villain, the miraculous team of three became a team of four, Rena Rouge being added into the mix.

Chloe wasn’t a fan, at first, but slowly their friendship grew, just like it had between Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Queen Bee.

All four of them would crack jokes together, and they would double up on patrols where games of tag and i-spy would take place until it was time to go home. But even then, sometimes they would stay out later than they had to, just to talk and share little details of their lives.

On rarer occassions, Chloe would leave her room, on nights she didn’t have patrol, and just fly above the city awhile.

The wind in her face, the freedom from all the shackles she had placed on herself, the feeling of falling mixed with trust that she would never crash and burn.

It was everything she needed to feel better.

Sometimes, she would see Marinette and Alya having their sleepovers, and would wish on every light in the city that she could join them.

Chloe’s school life had turned around awhile after becoming Queen Bee.

It hadn’t happened over night, and it’d taken a lot of work, but she made herself a better person, one people would be proud to call friend, and one that people would accept if they figured out who she was.

But most importantly, she became the kind of person who could apologize, and see her mistakes for what they were.

She was a better person, no doubt about it.

“But I can still be more,” Chloe would preach to her reflection in the mornings.

With a determined nod, she would finish putting on her lipstick and head to school.

A scream ripped from her lungs when Ladybug jumped into Le Paon’s path.

Queen Bee had already been prepared to take the hit, to protect Alya who’d gotten caught up in it all.

But no, Ladybug stepped in and saved them both, bought Queen Bee enough time to fly Alya away even as she was blinded by her own tears. When Alya was safe, she didn’t stick around for silly banter like normal.

No, as soon as Alya’s feet touched the ground, Queen Bee was gone, rushing back to the fight and freezing when she saw Chat Noir, crouched over an unmoving Ladybug, the only thing between her and Le Paon.

She saw red- blood, dripping from the cuts across Ladybug’s torso and down her; Ladybug’s suit, torn; Le Paon’s wicked gaze, the eyes of her suit staring into their souls; Rena Rouge, arriving late and freezing just as she had.

She saw red, and suddenly everything was a blur.

Paris celebrated the fall of Le Paon that night.

Chloe, Alya, and Adrien were in the hospital, waiting to hear about Marinette.

“You did really great, you know,” Marinette coughed out when she finally woke up. “Always knew you’d bee the best.”

A smile tugged at the corners of Chloe’s lips at that. “Stop being silly. You need to rest up and get better. School is dreadfully boring without you around.”

“We don’t have any classes together.”

“So?”

“You make a great argument.”

“Of course I do, I’ve been arguing since I was in diapers.”

“That sounds about right,” Marinette laughed, wincing at the pain it caused.

“Oh! Here, let’s call the nurse. And I’ll call Alya and Adrien and your parents so they can come see you.”

“Thanks, Chloe.”

“I get to go home in two days!” Marinette announced when Chloe, the last one to arrive, walked through the door.

“Wait, seriously? You’re not joking?” Alya asked, excitement creeping into her voice.

“If you think my joking’s that bad then I’m offended,” she teased, laughing when Alya practically launched herself into Marinette’s waiting arms.

Adrien smiled brightly at the scene and sat on the edge of the bed. “So you’re all good, health-wise?” he asked.

Voice muffled by Alya’s shoulder, she answered, “Yep! They’re just keeping me over for observation now, and if no more problems come up, I’m home free.”

“That’s great to hear!”

“Yeah, you must be really excited to get out of this drab place,” Chloe commented, holding her head high.

“Oh, totally. Everything here is white, white, white. I miss my pink walls, pink bed, pink curtains, pink-”

“We get it, you like pink,” she deadpanned.

Alya snorted as she finally pulled away.

“Don’t be like that, Chlo. Pink is the perfect color for our girl right here, and you know it.”

“I didn’t say it wasn’t, but- did you say our?” Chloe asked, catching the way Alya had said the word as if it was meant for her.

Marinette and Alya exchanged a subtle glance, and had Chloe not been looking between them she would’ve missed it.

“Adrien, would you be a dear and go get us something to eat? Sneak Mari up something too.”

“You got it,” he replied, patting Chloe’s shoulder on his way out.

As soon as he left, the tension in the room grew twofold, only breaking when Chloe finally spoke.

“Really?“ she whispered, staring at them and just daring to hope.

“I’ve been waiting for you to come around since I gave you your miraculous,” Marinette admitted.

“And I thought you’d at least say something when you started being nicer to everyone.”

“I thought-” she swallowed down the lump in her throat- “I thought I’d lost my chances.”

“If you thought that,” Alya started.

“Then let us offer you a new one,” Marinette finished.

Both held out a hand to her, and unable to spend a second more apart from them, Chloe leaped forward and pulled them into a hug, ignoring the makeup that ran down her cheeks as she cried, sobbing into the shoulders of her soulmates.

A few days later, and after multiple talks with the school principal and her counselor, Chloe walked into class and sat down right between Alya and Marinette.

After all, she had a lot of catching up to do.

#miraculous ladybug #chlolyanette #chloe bourgeois #marinette dupain-cheng #alya césaire #queen b #ladybug #rena rouge #my fic #sadwefrgfed idk how i Feel about this but that's ok

[chanzicoup]

A/N: I’ll probably get a request to do Ravi as well so I’ll just make one for both him and N. totally not because i am a total piece of garbage for daddy!vixx I got this template from tenseoyong and I could not find the original creator to give proper credit to.

A = Announcement.- How do you tell him and the world that you’re expecting?

You had been feeling a bit under the weather lately and N would be concerned and make you take time off of work to get rest. When you started vomiting every morning his worries over came him and he took you to a doctor. That was where you found out you and him were 2 months pregnant! He'd be in shock but he's still very proud. He'd keep things simple and tell Starlights over social media or through an interview, but for people close to him and you he'd prefer to tell them in person.

B = Books.- Did he read the books?

Since N is pretty good at taking care of VIXX and of his many nieces and nephews he probably wouldn't need the books.

C = Cuddles.- Who cuddles the baby more?

N would hog the baby 24/7. Even when he's at work and you visited to drop something off he'd kiss your cheek and the baby is in his arms??? Even if it's for a minute he'd be happy.

D = Daddy.- His reaction to being called Daddy and it setting in.

When he told the fans about you and him becoming parents he was afraid they'd be upset you didn't tell them at the beginning even though you guys found out later on as well, but when he got good reactions and encouragement he would feel relieved and would make every VIXX TV somehow related to the baby that was soon to come.

E = Empty.- Who goes to the store when you guys run out of supplies?

Both you and him are busy so most likely neither of you would have the time to go to the store so N would probably make Leo do it, since he is the Vixx Uncle who is the most soft for the baby. Like if Leo was originally going to say no N would guilt him into doing it because the baby needs his Uncle Leo.

F = Feeding time- Who does feeding time?

N would encourage hard foods too early and give hot milk to the baby by mistake so you'd probably have to do it most of the time.

G = Grumpy baby. - Who is better at dealing with a grumpy baby?

N can't seem to get a break because after all day being teased by his band members his grumpy baby only gets worse when he tries making faces and silly noises. When you come in with the baby's favorite toy and blanket they stop crying and are back to normal. N isn't salty at all.

H = How?- how many kids does he want?

He comes from a big family with not only his older siblings but their children as well so N would want quite a few of his own as well. To my knowledge most of his siblings have sat least 2 children so N would want four or five to have a full house. But he'd want to wait a few years in between so that the older kids can help out with the younger ones.

Jokes.- best dad joke?

"I would tell a joke about Pizza but it's a bit cheesy."

K = Kisses.- His favorite place to kiss the baby.

He's really affectionate and while N would be the one to not have one spot that he kisses he'd probably kiss the baby's face more because it's always out there and not covered by anything.

L = Little.- How he feels when he holds the baby for the first time.

N would literally be bouncing in his spot from enthusiasm. After months and months of waiting the baby was finally here! You'd be in the hospital bed still and N would be roaming around the room flying the baby like an airplane.

"Honey slow down! They were just born!"

"But we're having fun!"

M = Mommy.- what does he call you?

When in the presence or the baby he and you will some how start talking in the third person but when there are the few moments you two have together he'll be cringy and call you "sweetheart" or something.

N = Nappies.- who deals with the really bad diapers?

He'd have the most experience with babies and if you're the one doing feeding time he's doing diapers.

O = Onesies- Who likes to dress the baby in ridiculous outfits?

N has a pretty keen sense of style but when he tries to put your son or daughter in a jean jacket during the summer time you'll have to draw the line.

P = Pet names- names he calls the baby.

He'd probably call them their name tbh. It will be the VIXX members who are the ones that have their own unique nicknames for their leader's kid.

Q = Questions.- How many questions does he ask the nurse?

He wouldn't need to ask any really. If there's something that pops into his head that goes off of what the nurse said then he'll ask but honestly he kind of knew the answer but just wanted to be sure.

R = Rely- what is the biggest thing you rely on each other for?

You guys share the hardships of parenthood and all of the tasks that go along with it but every so often you both need a break. You'd two rely on each other to take care of the baby when you take a "mental health day" because those do exist @schoolsandparents

S = Sleep duty. - who gets up when it’s really late at night?

N is super caring and would put your health before his own any day so he'll do most of the night time feedings and diaper checks. You'll have to make him lay back down when he's already gotten up about five or six times.

T = Trepidation.- fears as a new parent.

He'd be scared he wouldn't be able to handle being both an idol and a father. As much as he wants to be involved he knows that one day he'll have a big concert on the same day as an event your child is participating in. He just doesn't want to miss anything his child does especially if it's something they worked hard on.

U = Ultra sounds.- His reactions to the ultrasounds.

You guys got an ultrasound at three months into the pregnancy and since you found out about the baby at two months it would be so quick to N, like is this how it'll be at the next two ultrasounds? Will time just fly by so quickly neither of you can enjoy it? None the less he'll like going to these appointment for support and to check in on the baby but he'll probably put all of the pictures in a scrapbook so you two can enjoy it again in the future.

V = Values.- what is the most important value he wants to teach your child.

He'd want his child to know that they can't let people who will talk them down get in their way of doing great things. N's son or daughter may inherit his dark skin and shortish height (they are both gorgeous qualities about N fight me) but he wants their child to remember that whatever is on the inside is what is most important.

W = Water.- Who gives the babe the baths?

N would want the both of you to do it because play time can be brought into bath time. Also N would like the extra airs of eyes watching the baby when he turns his back to grab a towel.

X = X-mas- what do you guys plan for the holidays?

You know how Jellyfish Ent. does those Christmas videos? Yeah well aside from spending time with family N would want you, the baby, and him to do one of those photo shoot videos too. You get pictures done and a video for the fans, win-win!

Y = Yelling.- How many fights do the two of you get in?

Since N nags a lot i could see you guys getting into fights pretty often but they are never too serious. Literally five minutes after one of you storm off you act like nothing has even happened and the whole argument was forgotten.

Z = Zoo- How crazy is the house after the birth?

He is good at housekeeping so I can tell that the house is normally clean, at least the parts that guests would see like the living room, bathroom, and kitchen. But the other parts of the houses i.e bedrooms and closets are atrocious.

~Blake

#vixx #kpop #vixx imagine #kpop imagine #vixx reaction #kpop reaction #vixx scenario #kpop scenario

[swearronchanel]

continuing the hiatus with 4.05

Well I'm here avoiding responsibilities as usual, pretending that I don't have class in the morning or any laundry to do but like I said I've been watching shameless and I need a little wholesome ctm to balance it out lol & @ilovemushystuff recommended I watch 4.05 *thank u 😌*but let us go on this journey together 🙃...

the clothes lines remind me of home bc we don't have a dryer in our apartment haha & when it's cold out my mom hangs everything up around the house it's a hilarious nyc struggle lol

my bby shelagh!! 💕 so precious pushing the pram! omg we get to see this again next series *hopefully* with unnamed baby turner 😭!!

aw I miss summer!! I love being out in the summer *plus my birthday is in August*🙃

Ahh aren't we glad Shelagh got new dresses, cause I'm not feeling this one lol

Jenny Agutter's smile w/ her eyebrows raised >>, am I right

Wait this is the osteogenesis imperfecta case right ??

Laura looking angelic but that is not at all new, I just have to always mention it

Now all I can do is stare at her hair bc of this debate earlier 😂 what color?? 

but damn I don't like this dress either I forgot how disrespectful the costume designers were in series 4😂😂

Patrick grabbing her hand saying thank you ugh so pure 😭😢

"Two weeks in Lyme Regis does sound nice" ugh Shelagh's so adorable but LETS HERE IT FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT™ BC SHE DIDN'T EVEN REALLY ASK TO GO ON  HOLIDAY EVEN THOUGH SHE OBVIOUSLY WANTED TO & IN THE NEXT SERIES SHE PLANNED THE WHOLE DAMN TRIP WITHOUT TELLING HIM👏🏼 LOVE IT lol even though camping was a disaster

It's been 3 fucking mins and look at all the shit I've said wow I hate me

Pats and Trix!! I miss their friendship

Haha omg this is right after Trixie and Tom broke up #awkward

"Wild peach, isn't it glorious?" I love my other bby trixie. We are so similar but she's better 💕

PHYLLIS OUT HERE YES

"Roasted like a Sunday dinner" LMAO

aw this is the episode with the Sylheti mum, here's some quality early Babs

SISTER E 😭😭😭 I miss her aww

Omg &Sister Mary Cynthia! she just became a nun aw I miss her being so happy 💔 I hope she's in the Christmas special or Series 7 Premiere

"Ready?" ugh I just think of all the times we're heard that, like Trixie asking Shelagh when she was about to get married *hello my two favs interacting its iconic for me* or when Trixie told Sister MC off she wanted to ask her if she was ready when she went to become a postulant like if she was getting married,  my heart 😭 UPDATE: I made a post about it

speaking of my gal Beatrix here she is again

I want to be that platinum blonde tbh

Sister Julienne saying "little man" yes I'm here for this such thing

little Raymond like ST Raymond or the baby that was left on the steps .. wait what happened to him? I forgot lol it's been a while

I do not like Sister Mj's absence

but yes her nephew! Did he just like stop picking her up??

Aw Trixie wanted to hug sister MC I can tell, nuns can hug though why didn't she?

we were robbed of a cute sister MC & sister W young- nun dynamic duo

but I like sister Winifred so much more now she's lowkey golden

Diphtheria yikes

LMAO FRED HAS A DU RAG ON ??

I forgot that the old nurses uniforms were so washed out looking

sweetie, if a ANGLICAN NUN is telling you the baby needs more than prayer wouldn't you believe it ??

like wtf is Christian scientist anyway, yo no se

lol calm down Barbara that's a lot to translate

woah Pat's looks hella good with her hair like that 😍

my bby Trixie serving looks but is heartbroken 😍😢💔

THE PICTURE OF HER AND CYNTHIA!! THAT IS NOW ON HER VANITY MIRROR !! MY H E A R T

*twerks to the bicycle song*

"She says where he goes, we go - even the moon" ahh again my heart!! & it's so similar to what shelagh said in the last Christmas special 😭💕 *i think it was a bible reference but I can't remember bc my memory is fuzzy from being a reckless heathen* jk jk😂

How does a faja type belt help her?

I initially really liked Trixie and Tom but I'm so glad they found better matches

yo I'd be shook though if my baby's bones kept breaking and I didn't know why omg

The nurses being cute eating popsicles outside lol

aw wait Fred and Violet weren't together yet here, they're so cute haha

again so wild, like imagine no one knowing what your baby is hurt and no one believing that you didn't abuse your child?! I cNt

so scary

Ameerah is so pretty & how sweet omg she brought Babs a dish. She misses having girl friends omg!

The Poor Pentergasts

I feel you Mrs ^, I scream into my hands at least 3x a day *for obvs diff reasons*

Baby Angela💕💕 so precious

aw Patrick & Shelagh😭 but now that shelagh's been on her nightie game this blue nightgown should finally go #hereforthebrinylon™

Shit now Patrick is going to realize and blame himself

let Patrick not feel guilty for anything in series 7, cut this guy a break pls

osteogenesis imperfecta yup I remembered ✔️ well I remember watching this with my mom & her calling if before they knew it and I was annoyed bc She can't just watch she always has to be a nurse & put her opinion out there😂 like we watched the finale yesterday and I thought there'd be some suspense but nah she knew the pill gave her a deadly blood clot😒she was surprised they killed the first women described it to though

Shelagh's face while Patrick gets in the ambulance 😭💔

I miss the nuns singing !! mainly miss Laura singing but still!! it's very peaceful you feel?? let me hear some hymns

I feel you Patrick, you smoke that cig

Alright damn Mr Pentergast, I feel your anger but wtf were they supposed to think??

I get anxious watching Patrick be anxious tbh omg xzjkalsfo

the way he fidgets the pen so relatable

Shelagh kissing him on the forehead and the cheek 😢😭💔💕melts my cold little heart

"I don't want my Geraldine being seen by the receptionist" fuck u lady she's the best damn nurse out here Lmaoo

But seriously did everyone just forget she was a nurse/midwife when she was a nun? it has only been like a year since she left and got married so I wouldn’t think people would forget just yet but maybe? wtf lol. I feel like their story was such gossip that it'd be unforgettable? that's just me Lmaoo

Go get that uniform Shelagh!!!

she's so patient, dios te bendiga. She’s too good.

my angry self would've been like "do 👏🏼 ya👏🏼not👏🏼get👏🏼that👏🏼I 👏🏼was👏🏼 a nurse 👏🏼and 👏🏼delivered 👏🏼like 👏🏼half 👏🏼of 👏🏼your👏🏼 gremlin 👏🏼 children?!" Or "you don't want me to help? Okay there's the door, don't let it hit you on the way out"!

SHE'S GETTING THE UNIFORM PEOPLE

okay I don't think I've ever thought about it until now but Shelagh talks about Patrick's war neurosis with Sister Julienne like she already knew?? I bet Shelagh went to her after the adoption interview 😭

ugh I love their friendship/relationship it's so pure

This whole show is so pure! how can it remind you of the darkness in the world while still giving you faith in humanity??  There's nothing like it

I told you I caught my mom up with series 6 & she was just like "I can't believe we have to wait so long. Why can't America make a show as great as this?"

I then said "I know I have like no reason to live until Christmas" but she said i was being dramatic oops

*cue in the mirror*✨

SHE'S PUTTING ON THE UNIFORM PEOPLE THIS IS NOT A DRILL

you guys don't get how happy this made me when I first saw it omg, I was so tired of seeing her sad/upset and lost and distressed and everything but happy but THEN SHE PUT THE UNIFORM ON AND THE LITTLE HAT AND LOOKED IN THE DAMN MIRROR WITH HER MILLON DOLLAR SMILE AND I WANTED TO COMBUST I WAS SO HAPPY I WAS IN TEARS😭😭💖💖

SHELAGH TURNER DESERVES THE WORLD AND MORE, I WILL ALLOW NO ONE TO DISAGREE

AND IF U DO WE CAN FIGHT RN

I'm so proud of how far my bby has come ugh I can't deal

It's 1am why am I being a little emotional bitch™ ?? Ugh I just love this character

I'd fight for Shealgh or Trixie/ Laura and Helen in real life. They are gifts we don't deserve

BUT ALSO, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME ALL THESE PEOPLE DIDNT BELIEVE SHE WAS A NURSE & THEN SAW HER IN A NURSE UNIFORM THE NEXT TIME AND QUESTIONED NOTHING???

Like I know it wasn't the same people but still word gets around?

Shelagh and Tim's hug aww

Can we pls see a cute moment between them? We were played with that hospital scene in 6.4 bc it was like 2 seconds long

Patrick's pyjamas though >

the flat filled with things from patients is so sweet aww

How did no one else in Ameera's house get sick though?

Angela looking so adorable wow what a pretty baby

the real million $ question is, will we ever see Mrs B? Probs not Lmaoo

Still waiting for the day Timothy Turner has an angsty teen moment bc his unrealistic perfect child-ness has been going on too long

Disregarding that time he was mean to Shelagh in series 3, I won't forget it bc I wanted to smack him 😂👋🏼

*shelagh voice* Dr Turner's back to save poplar from ill health and disease

THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SHELAGH WHEN HE REALIZES IT WAS HER IN THE NURSES UNIFORM

ALSO I'm sure he realized a kink he didn't know he had lol 😭😂

tracheotomy 😬 how do they make it look so real ahhh!? wild

"..Because I have you" BYEEEE 😭😭💖💔💔💔 my heart melted into a puddle & I can no longer live

the first kiss that you can't even see !! But still it took a season & a half for the married couple to kiss!😂

Ok shh Vanessa is gonna say something profound I must hear

Who tf am i talking to? I'm losing my damn marbles

And yes that's a Hook reference

"Humanity is fragile and all the sunshine in the world can't save the frail or make the delicate invincible but love has the power to strengthen and protect and guide us to a place where we feel sheltered and fulfilled. Where it doesn't matter if it rains for we are home and dry"

UGH SUCH GOLD!!!

And Shelagh holding Angela next to Ameerah and her new baby, my heart!!

such an amazing show

The End.. until next time..

#my commentaries™ #call the midwife #the hiatus struggle #who lets me do these lol

[little-writings]

Hello! I was wondering if you can make a alternate/happy ending of the interview (if you don't mind.) That story has been stuck in my head and I'd love to read another version of it. :)

Oh, I’d love to! I did like the idea then, and the format I was trying to reflect based off the film I was inspired by. (Its name is Jackie, I thought the film was rather good, here’s a link to the trailer if you’re interested!)

Also if anyone else hasn’t read the original version of Interview, I suggest you read that first.

Thank you and have an incredible day!

—————————————————————————————————-

You sat beside the hospital bed, a hand wound about your husband. 

However, for once, there was no comforting thumb rubbing your knuckles, or gentle smile on his face.

Because he was asleep.

A coma, specifically. 

He’d been this way for weeks. 

But he’d been becoming responsive. 

It had even been recorded by medical staff.

A small squeeze of your hand when you cried.

A few murmured words when you spoke.

He was getting better.

He had to be. 

Your thoughts were interrupted, by a nurse, her voice soft.

“Mrs. Han? There’s a reporter here to see you.” 

“I thought…I thought I asked for no reporters.” You hummed, rubbing at your tired eyes.

You had hardly gotten a wink of sleep.

“Yes well…he was sent by your father in law. Mr. Han wanted some sort of update while he’s away and Mr. Jung was the closest in the area.” 

“Is that verified?” You asked, hesitance apparent in your words. 

“Yes, Mr. Han called us this morning to let us know.” She sighed. “He also believed…it may help you.” 

You scrunched up your nose, sitting up awkwardly. “N-No more than a few questions.” 

“Of course.” 

There was a period of silence before the journalist arrived that you couldn’t help but feel another wave of exhaustion crash over you, your body weak.

It wasn’t the type of exhaustion caused when you didn’t sleep, though.

It was the kind from when you felt drained. 

You had cried until your face seemed engraved with permanent tear stains. 

Your body was seemingly weighed down with cinder blocks, each step heavier than the next. 

Your grief swelled inside of you as though you may burst, your hope muddling with weary aches. 

“Mrs. Han?” An oddly bright voice chimed in your ears. 

You turned to see a young man, his hair disheveled and wrapped into a loose bun with strands slipping over his muddy eyes. 

You didn’t know entirely how to react when his lips stretched into a smile. 

A smile was refreshing, most of the time.

But not now. 

He understood immediately, anxiously clearing his throat as he approached you, reaching out a hand. 

“I’m sure the nurse already told you about me but I’m Jung Byeon.” 

You slowly took it, dipping your head lightly. “MC.” 

He pulled up a seat, sitting down beside you, tapping his notepad as though he was excited. 

That wasn’t appreciated by you. 

“So, what…exactly happened?” 

You narrowed your eyes, raising a perplexed brow. “What…? I-Isn’t it a-already all over the n-news?” 

“Well, a version of it. Mr. Han specifically requested to hear it from your point of view. Knowing that you were closest to your husband at the time.” 

“…Oh.” 

The memories had sat in your mind, hints and reminders haunting you every moment it could.

You knew it better than you knew yourself. 

“I-It…It might give you some…closure as well to talk about it.” He remarked. “Think of me as like a friend, I’m just here to help.” 

You took a deep breath, soaking in his words. 

“Alright…”

“So, would you be able to describe to me what happened?” 

You had been standing beside your husband, the two of you happily talking in the early morning before he had to attend one of his meetings. 

Your hands were entwined, you yourself pressing close against him, a dazed expression painting your face. 

“We were together early in the morning.” You felt a faint grin appear as you thought of him. “We’re almost always together. It’s nice to always have someone by your side. I-I hadn’t even thought that anything was off.”

You were too preoccupied to notice the figures upon the roof. 

Your frown quickly reemerged. 

“Do you have any idea as to why the perpetrator was after him?” 

“N-no, he’s the kindest, most considerate person I know!” You insisted. “I-I mean he can be cold b-but…he’s never needlessly aggressive. He’s polite with clients and coworkers. I-I can’t imagine anyone truly wanting him dead.” 

“They’ve stated it had to do with his business as a whole. Moreso what he represented than who he was. And what he represented was wealth and power, something many people want” 

“He didn’t deserve that.” You replied sharply. “H-He didn't’ deserve any of this. He didn’t choose to be born into the life he has! None of us get to choose for the environments we were raised in, so why do so many act as though he wanted any of this?” 

“I don’t know,” Jung mumbled. “I’m sorry.” 

You felt anger pour from your fingertips, drawing about you as though you were paper. 

“T-That bullet sounded like a train.” You said, your tone trembling. “The whole s-situation was like watching someone be pushed in front of a train.” 

“How so?” 

“I-It all goes by too fast for you to process at first. All you hear is a w-wailing, a-and s-screeching until it all comes to this horrible realization.” 

You had just assumed it was a car or something of the sort. 

Until you heard the breath be snatched from Jumin, a short, desperate gasp erupting from him before his body collapsed against you, sloppily pushing you behind him. 

“H-Honey?” You had switched your head back, a horror smashing into you as you found his eyes wider than dinner plates with surprise as blood dribbled from his mouth.

And as well, from the side of his head. 

His grip had tightened on you suddenly, as though some sort of attempt to shield you, or hide you away. 

He opened his mouth to speak, barely coherent words rasping from him. 

You could hardly believe what he was telling you. 

“And what did he say?” 

“Are you okay?” He asked as you drew him down to the ground, his strength dispersing from him in moments. 

You set his head in your lap, ignoring the security that raced about frantically. 

His blood was smearing against you.

His blood. 

He was bleeding. 

You threw off your jacket, covering the wound, refraining from breaking into furious sobs as you saw the bits of flesh dangling helplessly to his head. 

This shouldn’t be happening. 

Why was this happening?

“Are you okay, love?” He wheezed again, his eyes rolling towards you. 

“I-I’m fine!” You cried, tipping your head in the crook of his neck. “Y-You’re going to be fine too! I’ll make sure of it! O-Okay?” 

And you swore, after hearing you assure him, he grinned.

It was a small, feeble grin.

But one nonetheless.

“He held my hand, t-the entire time.” You felt the tears spill down your cheeks again, your chin quivering. “It’s l-like I was his lifeline.” You huffed. “And I’m not letting go until I see him awake! U-Until he’s okay!” 

“You care very much-” 

“I love him!” You snapped. “He’s everything to me!” 

“Well, what do you plan to do if he doesn’t wake up?” 

Your breath hitched. 

You were silent for a bit, before scowling.

“He’s going to wake up.” 

“There’s no guarantee.” 

“He’s been showing response signs! He’s expected to wake up-” 

“Expected doesn’t mean for sure-” 

“You need to leave.” You snarled. “Now.” 

“Ms. Han-” 

“Leave. Now. Please.” 

Jung opened his mouth to speak but clamped his mouth shut as he began to scramble to his feet. 

“Yes ma’am.” He returned. “T-Thank you.” 

You were silent. 

You didn’t dare move until you heard his steps fade away down the hall. 

You wiped at your face, turning back towards Jumin. 

You squeezed his hand, laying your head on the mattress. “I’m staying here. Don’t worry, I’m not leaving you.” 

And to your utter surprise. 

You got a response. 

It was dry, yet each word was laced with a tenderness that could only come from him.

“I’m not leaving either darling.” 

#Jumin #Jumin Han #Jumin Han x MC #MC x Jumin #Jumin x MC #Mystic Messenger #Mystic Messenger Jumin #Mystic Messenger Jumin Han #MC x Jumin Han #MM #MC #mysmes #mysme #Jumin Han x Reader #Jumin x Reader #Jumin x You #Jumin Han x You #Jumin Fanfiction #Jumin Han Fanfiction #Jumin Mystic Messenger #Jumin Han Mystic Messenger #You x Jumin #You x Jumin Han #Reader Insert #Angst??? #Angst but it's ok in the end

[ecotone99]

[MS] Confessions of an Officer's Wife, Part 3 of 3

Early Sunday morning, Carlos got a call from his Aunt Clara. She was crying and could barely speak. Someone had sent her an e-mail and some old recording and pictures relating to the Bay of Pigs. Both of us knew what the content was. Carlos's father, uncle and the much older brother of my ex-boyfriend were captured and then killed. The event was filmed and pictures were taken. A picture from Carlos's father fell out his pocket and this was a picture of my mother-in-law, Carlos's father, him and his 4 sisters. My mother in law had 5 children, Carlos being the youngest at age 5. This was taken a couple of months before his father died. Looked like your typical family picture.

I went down to Aunt Clara's home and she was having difficulty breathing. She had to be taken to the hospital. She has heart problems and other medical problems and being so upset like she could have cost her her life. Her blood pressure was 190/100 with a heart rate of 120. She was kept 2 days before her blood pressure finally came down.

My father managed to escape but this haunted him for the rest of his life. He didn't like to talk about it and rarely did. If those reading this don't know what the Bay of Pigs is, it was a military operation to rid Cuba of Castro. It was a fiasco to put it mildly. Most of those killed from the US were Cuban who were strongly opposed to Castro and his regime.

These pictures and video of course couldn't be used at trial of the celeb DJ as they had nothing to do with the car accident. The intent of causing pain and distress was the motive. Carlos tried to trace who sent this to his aunt but wasn't able to trace the person except that it had been sent in Russia which was very very weird. Could never prove that the celeb DJ was behind this but I know he was.

Carlos is generally an easy going person who rarely gets angry. I had never seen him so angry. He told me that he hoped that he wouldn't find the person or person who sent his aunt the pictures and the video. He told me he would be very tempted to do bodily harm to them.

Wasn't long before this was sent to random people in Miami Cove. The celeb DJ said that this stuff had been around a long time which was true. Carlos had seen the pictures when he was a teen. He didn't believe it when a class mate said that they were in the library in Miami. They went down there and found the pictures. Lourdes and I saw the pictures in the Miami library. Her father had also died at the Bay of Pigs and there were pictures but it was separate from the others. There was a film also in the library but Lourdes and I didn't view it for fear of being punished if people found out. Carlos on the other hand saw the film footage when he was a teen. I had never seen this and have never seen it as I know what happened.

That wasn't the end by any means. Now the question was who was in the video that had been found in the personal belongings of my ex-boyfriend. I was on that video and I had no idea it existed. The film was very grainy and you could see a woman crying but you couldn't ID the woman who was driving the car. A camera was put in the car that Joshua forced me to drive in. I don't remember begging for my life but apparently I did. He told me that I would die that night. I only remember what happened after I was in the living room of the house.

The murder was captured from a distance. All you can hear is Joshua yelling insults at the men , them yelling at him and then one of the men killed him. The men can be seen running in the distance and one yells, "Let's Get the Hell out of here." That I do remember hearing them say.

On the video you can't see me coming out of the house but you can't make out who I am nor can you make out who Carlos is. The audio is so low that you can barely hear us talk. They couldn't tell if we were talking in English or Spanish (we were talking in Spanish).

Several days later

"The Murder case of Joshua Mills has been opened up as this is new evidence. We would like to speak with this woman (unfortunately all we know is that this woman and man on this video are most likely of Cuban ancestry) as we are concerned about her safety. We don't know if she went with this man willingly. The man and woman on this video aren't suspects in Joshua's murder but they might have information about who killed him. The audio is so low that we can't tell if they are speaking in English or Spanish."

Even if someone knew any information, no one was going to help Joshua Mills who was a serial killer and whose victims were young women of Cuban ancestry. Joshua Mills had the eyes of the devil, I can tell you that and I've looked into the eyes of the devil and survived. Lourdes wasn't so lucky.

Carlos told me who he called and it was the Captain of the Narcotics unit. On his report, Captain Gomez to protect Carlos never put the name of the person who called in to report the murder. In the report it says anonymous caller.

Captain Johnson is very old, in a nursing home and has no memory of who called that night. This is what Carlos wrote in his report as he interviewed the Captain. This was true. The Captain barely remembered who Carlos was. He died about a year later.

We never found out who gave my ex the video recording. All I know is that it wasn't Carlos but who? I'm wondering if it was Captain Johnson but then how would he have gotten access to this. Captain Johnson was a devout Baptist and didn't know my ex-boyfriend.

I know that Carlos destroyed the tape in my presence. This was mostly to protect me as he didn't know and still doesn't know who killed Joshua. My guess is if these men are still around (because they were involved in dealing and trafficking of drugs), they have probably been in jail or prison. It's possible they might be dead as dealing drugs is risky business. They would be in their 60's.

Carlos believed that because Joshua Mills was so evil that he deserved what happened to him. Karma came around and bite him hard. I also believed that God spared me that night for a reason. Seems like I'm the sole survivor as no other women who went out there came out alive.

Many of those who worked narcotics were chain smokers. Once Carlos was no longer doing undercover work, I tried to get him to quit smoking and it was the death of a Sgt who was 41 years old that motivated him to quit. Sadly many of these individuals continued to smoke and it took its toll of them. Some of them sadly are no longer with us due to smoking.

Finally after two years, celeb DJ was put on trial. Carlos was surprised that neither one of us was called at the criminal trial as we would be more character witnesses that witnesses for the defense or prosecution. Celeb DJ made my ex-boyfriend look like a bad person. Of course the parent who was angry about her kid getting expelled for bad behavior testified. Another person that I had never met and who was proven never to have lived in Miami Cove said that my ex-boyfriend sexually harassed her. In Miami Cove, everyone pretty much knew every one else and I had never seen this woman before.

Celeb DJ didn't get away with his crime at first. He was found guilty, sentenced and then a higher court overturned the conviction and accused the jury of being biased against him.. One juror said that she didn't like the music that Celeb DJ played and this is why she voted guilty as charged. She probably had never actually heard the music but admitted to the court that she had a instant dislike of him when she saw him.

Five years for DUI homicide isn't a harsh sentence compared to the death sentence my ex-boyfriend got for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. If it hadn't come out about the juror being biased against celeb DJ, the case wouldn't have been thrown out of court but I doubt that he would have spent a day in jail.

My ex-boyfriend had no living family, as his parents were dead, his older brother was dead (the older brother who died at age 20 had no children) and no one family could be found. Celeb DJ never got sued by anyone. Karma has a way of coming back on you. For Celeb DJ it hasn't but I believe that if you don't make amends for what you have done in this life, you will have to in the afterlife and in the afterlife, high priced lawyers, fans and the court system will not protect you from judgement.

When my husband retired at age 60 he was given a party. We did some traveling in a camper and took a cross country trip in 2017. In mid 2019, Carlos became ill, very weak and tired. Turned out he had cancer. Less than a year later, Carlos died.

There were so many people who had wonderful things to say about my husband. I grieve for him but I also celebrate his life as well.

submitted by /u/baronesslucy [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2w6SSvJ

#Blogger #Story

[vixen-vangogh]

polyvore was being a pain in the ass no matter how many words i tried to censor so here’s the life update i meant to put in that set

- have been living in a somewhat stable housing environment for almost a year and four-ish months now which is WILD and a huge record break for me.

- kind of have a partner? we're def QPPs and have been nomadic vagabond companions since like 2015 and have been sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, making life plans together hardcore since then. when i try to explain our relationship to others i explain that we are like Bert and Ernie from sesame street. it's not romantic but it's definitely a very serious thing and there is nothing i could forsee that would face our future that would not be faced together as companions. i was kind of chatting with a buddy the other day who was asking abt stuff and i was mentioning how an aphobe asked, 'how is this different from a best friendship, why do you need to call it a queerplatonic relationship?' and my instinct was to be all, 'well idk i mean i think most best friends don't stick their tongues in each others mouths' but like that said, some best friends do that and its totally legit but the main difference is we call it this because it is more accurate to the intricacies of our relationship.

a best friendship implies different things and a QPR is what we have been calling ourselves for some time.

- have come across the term alterous attraction many many moons ago and have concluded that more or less, this has been the basis for all the experiences of 'attraction' i have thought i felt in other categories. turns out i just love being pro/miscuous and cuddly and affectionate with people and it doesn't necessarily have to have any of the other attractions present. it's just an expression of my alterous attraction. and idk it just seems to make way more sense. someone said it was a commonplace for pre-questioning lesbians to make up to themselves crushes on boys with calculations involved about why this person is attractive.

i think maybe i do experience other forms of attraction but they're seldom enough that it's more anecdotal. and i'm going to call them crushes anyway bc it doesn't matter what i say or do - people are going to be confused by me and who i am and i shouldn't have to sacrifice the nuances involved in who i am and how i live my life to try and get smaller minds to understand it.

and nobody has to understand either. i don't even understand. that's heckin ok bro

- i've been on them 'ro/ids (testosterone) on and off for three months in spring/summer 2016 (androderm) and then the injections for some amount of time this year and there's been a lot of body changes. but mainly i'm looking at nu/des of other people on hormones and realizing like... what if I'm actually inters/ex? it makes no sense for my di/ck to be bigger than people a year on hormones in half the time, does it? like what's up there? and my body is signif hairier in a way that is noticeable to me and my QPP.

last week when I got the inje/ctio/n the nurse (who is a really nice lady? like smiley very friendly maternal type) asked me "how did you know?" without other context or anything.

I didn't really know how to begin because honestly no one had ever asked me that before and it's the one question I needed somebody else to answer back when I was like, 15/recently 16 and needed help finding myself. I wished future me could visit past me and tell me like, "hey jsyk this is what you concluded, here's the answers, and here's all the stuff I've realized about our past experiences that were actually Signs that you're #genderqueer"

and I think, another thing, I wish I could have told the past me, that the laws were going to rapidly change in my lifetime, and also to avoid any cis person who suggests therapy "for hormone starts" because that's what led me to like, 2 years of rather unhelpful talk therapy that turned into lowkey conversion therapy.

No one should ever make you write a sob story about your past before they allow you the autonomy to make decisions about your body.

I gave a little backstory of timeline and told her how my mom kept saying things like, "why are you so offended at the idea of being a woman?" etc and how we don't speak anymore, how I came out in 2011 and every day for the longest time I had to explain to other trans people who the heck I was. how my nonbinaryness was seen more as a delusion despite the fact that I found the wikipedia pages and message boards and I knew there were other people like me out there. I didn't know of another #nonbinary person until 2013 and even then I only met them in passing at a panel they hosted. (we ended up roommates for a bit around 2016 but that's another story)

I stopped having to give #genderqueer 101s to the LGBT+ community around 2014.

And I feel like after that Laverne Cox paved a lot of way for us, and Facebook started putting other genders on there (which I'd signed petitions for years before and considered to be a hoop dream)

and there's been corrective r/a/pe I've gone through and so many tears I've cried and sui/cide attempted and hospital visits

and things are definitely still horrific and I can never afford groceries. I don't eat enough to sustain myself and live on welfare and am too medicated and disabled to work and have tachycardia and PTSD and other complications of my own forced resilience

but I'm on testosterone or whatever and I look at the changes that have gone on and I know that I was a part of that

but I'm never going to get credit for it and it pains me how much I'm suffering because I started advocating earlier than the majority of trans people out today.

if I had come out to my mom years later, would we be speaking?

it doesn't ultimately matter, because if we kept speaking I still would have ended up d/ead. coming out and having her react like that, topped with her steal/ing from me when I was homeless, years of sui/cide baiting, physical + emotional + etc a/buse my whole life, it's miraculous I ever made it out alive

it's so painful but I just have never had the privilege of choice.

- I've been thinking to go back to school maybe and that I need to actually go at it full force with passion because I think I have gotten way too down on myself for the results that have come from my own halfa/ssery of it all. And my own procrastination etc.

I wish I had access to medical care as a child or counselling or something more than I ever did have because maybe I would have excelled in school instead of suffered to try and keep my head above water. I mean, I graduated honours (equivalent).

there's too much about my life to be angsty about.

- also idk if i mentioned this but i got ar/rested for protecting indigenous folks at a thing and it was in the news and im not going to talk much more on it bc of privacy but i'm happy to dig up the video of the pol/ice dragging me away and the crowd shouting (and gendering me right ;u;) "LET THEM GO, LET THEM GO" and i was a pathetic mess thru the whole thing and just had the wrong emotions the whole time and like 3+ reporters tried to get a hold of me for interview but I forwarded them to the indigenous leaders of the ceremony instead

we prayed inside the arre/st tent and put down tobacc/o and held ceremony and the c/ops were horrible and took so much personal offence to everything we were and every reality that happened that they wanted to deny. they banned us from the public land we were arrested on and it was horrible.

it was in the news and justin tr*deau showed up for a photo op and the organizers weren't allowed in their own tipi. he wasn't invited.

those with the land claim to the area made an official statement welcoming us and condemning the go/vernme/nt for arrestin/g us.

nothing was ever done about that bit other than them releasing us and i went to the hospital the next day to get my wrist checked because i couldn't really use it and the handcuf/f bruises and the bruise on my knee was massive. it's been two months and it's only now faded.

twitter blocked the image of us in the a/rrest tent holding hands in prayer with the hand/cuffs on our wrists. they said it contained "sensitive content"

tumblr did the same, calling it "NSFW" (weird bc literally photographs of my actual na/ked body with links to where u can buy videos of me jerkin is not labelled NS/FW automatically lol?????)

i asked tumblr to review that and they still labelled it as such.

it's just so blatantly a genuine broach of free speech and freedom of religion. it was a crimi/nalized religious ceremony and i got between the co/ps and a woman praying.

- i saw Against Me! in march and the mosh pit was extreme and I fell down at some point and like seven people pulled me up and that and the getting arre/sted thing has really hecked up my knees ! i feel like they're mostly healed since but i've not even been kneeling on my mattress for even a second to make sure of this. otherwise it's just been sudden pain for months but as i said, i think they're a lot better now.

- i came forward abt a pr/edatory ex and a few others of their victims came to me to say that they had gone through the same and that they were even more pre/datory than had been with me. i lost quite a lot of friends in the matter bc what i accused them of was extremely serious and came across as vicious on my part.

i'm going to take it as alright though, because i know that i've put what i said out there, and if they have read it at all, they can at least have these ideas in their mind going forward and take precautions. this ex was confronted publically and directly on social media about it and there were several witnesses and screenshots i had to things they did and said. i'm hoping that serves as some kind of warning for them, about their actions that they have confessed to with several people, and how these things will come back for them. that they cannot evade accountability, that i am a force of nature and if you wrong me or do a wrong in my witness with no remorse on your part or apology, i'm not going to let you live it down.

i care and i am tired of hearing horrible stories about them from others. others who came to me saying that i had been painted as an abus/er. because i know ! people see me standing up for myself as threatening all the time. they worry they aren't allowed to make mistakes around me.

no matter how many times i say it or prove it, there's always those people who are too cowardly to admit when they do make mistakes and who go to great lengths to protect their pride and entitlement.

i know we are all growing. i seek environments of mutual support and growth. i am now in a phase of life where i am not giving the time to people who have no interest in these environments. anyone can be my friend, if they are ready for it. but i don't owe it to anybody and anything wrong i have done i am at a point where i feel like i am in touch with my own humility.

and if someone tries to milk it because they think my vulnerability isn't also strength and something that comes with at least some ferocity... well, that's not my problem.

- my rabbit Snicklefritz is doing fine. he's shedding like the dickens this season and mischievous as usual but hopefully one day I can afford to make him an enclosure again and I can let him out only when I can keep track of him.

he's ruined a lot of sketchbooks and a lapdesk my QPP got me for the winter holidays that we are both heartbroken about.

- I am trying to become less attached to material belongings and it has helped me a lot when it comes to coping with all the sentimental items left with my mother or in the various times I've been homeless or left exes etc over the years.

My memories are in my heart and not something that needs to be placed externally, in an item.

Have also trying to go zero waste (like, becoming someone who produces no garbage, just recycling and compost) and it's really been noticeable all these small differences. I buy way more bananas, lettuce, etc. And I've been making bread and spaghetti and whatnot and having windowsill gardens.

- I'm not cured of anything or whatever and I'm angsty 24/7 and broke as heckaroo but there's enough of The Little Things In Life (gardening, youtube videos, kisses, etc) to help me get by in the meantime.

- three days ago a friend (who I consider(ed) chosen family) I had purposefully cut out of my life a year ago showed up on my doorstep to tell me I was right about everything and to apologize for all the wrongs. That they reread conversations we had around then and that they have grown and grown into a better place. They were 18 then and 19 now. We were from the same hometown and they're still there but moving to my city in December. I missed them so much and they stayed with me a few days. I feel a bigger sense of home in this city knowing they're going to live here soon too.

- I've been Really Intensely looking thru my DNA and geneology stuff since last winter. For some reason Indian (like, South Asia) shows up in my DNA and some southern Europe/Northern Africa/Middle East kind of region. My father was adopted via a stepdad and I figure this comes from his bio dad. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't really know. My maternal haplotype is supposed to be one that's generally found in African populations which throws that whole theory. My mom and me also had to use hair picks (afro picks) when I was growing up because our hair was so naturally thick and the waves really tangled up. Every time we went to get my hair cut in that white rural town the hairdressers would comment how they'd never seen such thick hair before etc. I'm still struggling greatly to find answers because everybody's last name is phoenetically weird except for my dad's mom's line which has an extremely Cornwall last name and anyone with that name is definitely part of that family.

Doing research to find what I was told growing up (that I was Kanien'keha:ka via my maternal grandmother's grandmother) has been very difficult because I'm not sure which grandmother of hers it was, and one of them seemed to remarry several times and I cannot be sure of any of the surnames being a maiden name. It's also really hard to know what the spelling was supposed to be because it was written phoenetically. But I think that one's likely English anyway. The other one I haven't reached yet but my grandmother's father's father seemed to be from a Metis community outside a reserve where I remember being told we had ancestors. It seems we're descendants of some really famous anglo Metis folk. I've not figured out the specific links to lock the names all into place properly in my family tree but it's the surname and the small community that are an exact match and on the message boards.

It's a lot to think about. I've been struggling with my racial identity for a long time and regardless of nuances and ethnic identity I feel like I'm just doing this research to seem special or more interesting or to branch out my activism. DNA is not ever going to tell me who my ancestors were, just the locations a small handful of random specific ancestors lived. Family trees are going to help, but they're not going to help me too much as someone who doesn't actually have blood family I'm in contact with really.

I might see if I can get in touch with an older cousin I have on Pinterest because she seemed to be the only one (besides my younger cousin) who really ever sent me vaguely kind gestures after I came out. She was the only one who seemed to be supportive when I did my grandma's eulogy. (Aside from my sibling who went up with me. But I don't speak to my sibling for other reasons.)

I have a paternal cousin as well but we're more half-cousins as my dad's mom had a few different men in her life and I don't actually know if he does have full bio-siblings. I don't really know if it's worth it to reach out to her because with all the technicalities and separations and adoptions and half-relatives I don't know whether I can ask her to ask around, or if I can just ask her, or what.

Anyway whatever it's just easiest to explain my ethnicity as being Metis because talking with others and stuff it seems like maybe this is the best way to label myself, to explain my complicated history and acknowledge that my blood ties are not what makes me me, but rather my ethnic ties. I have traditions and beliefs and ancestors I'm reconnecting with and trying to find.

Not all my ancestors were great people. But it is interesting as heck to learn about them. (Especially seeing pictures and some of the weirder resemblances from like, 5th great grandparents.)

Also one of my greats of grandparents crossed the US-Canada border several times in his life and near the end of them the border agent wrote "seems odd" on the thing and I haven't found any explanation for why he was crossing the border either lol which is pretty dang interesting imo.

- anyway idk I think I'm good ?? have been getting a lot of new interests and hobbies lately which feels good, feels right

i'm getting muscles because of them hormones and probably eating healthier or whatever and drinking more water and just livin life as best i can

could use some more dollars however but what can u do when welfare doesn't go up to match minimum costs of living haha :)

[cohesionarts]

This just in from Cohesion Arts

New Post has been published on http://cohesionarts.com/2017/01/02/whered-paul-go/

Where'd Paul Go??

I can’t really know if anybody besides me has been asking that question, but if you’re one of the regulars around here (the numbers may not be legion, but I know they are sincere…) you may have been wondering why the frequency of posts to this site dropped off dramatically in the second half of last year (2016).

At least, I hope somebody noticed, and even if nobody did notice, I’m going to attempt to explain the absence.

So, where did Paul go?

He sorta went into hiding for awhile. His innate tendency to be reclusive and withdrawn when things “go all pear-shaped” got the better of him for several months.

Or, rather, maybe, he just had the wind kicked out of him, and he’s been trying to catch his breath.

Or maybe he’s been thrown into the middle of a lake and is treading water, trying to figure which shore to swim to.

Yeah, that’s it. Treading water.

Chalk it all up to disruption on a personally cosmic scale.

– – – – – – –

I remember exactly when the fabric of my universe started to tear: April 29, 2016.

Ann and I were in Portland, Oregon. She got back in the car and said,

“They want me to start August 1st.”

At that moment, the Big Bang Theory went into full reverse and my Universe started to implode….

We were in Portland to visit “the kids” – that would be Ann’s two sons, James and Robert (they are by no means “kids” – I can never remember their exact ages but it’s somewhere in the vicinity of 40 years old), her daughter-in-law – Robert’s wife, Melissa – and, more notably, Robert and Melissa’s baby daughter, Ann’s first – and quite possibly her only – grandchild, Juniper Rae.

Juniper Rae

We’d gone to Portland ostensibly for Juniper’s first birthday. She was born in May of 2015, and we’d both flown up to Portland for that; Ann had gotten there within hours of the baby’s arrival, I followed a week later. Photos here.

Now we were back for the first birthday, and Major Changes were afoot. They’d started in earnest the previously fall, but really the fuse started burning toward an inexorable explosion as soon as Melissa’s pregnancy was announced back in the summer of 2014.

The fuse started burning with that announcement, but the first cherry bomb didn’t go off until a year later, when Ann let me know that sooner or later she was moving to Oregon. And that I could come… if I wanted. It was all about being a grandparent. Which concept I might not have been sufficiently enthusiastic about, owing in part perhaps to the fact that I’d never met the prerequisite of being an actual parent myself.

“I’m going to find a job and I might just pack up and move,” she said, back in November of 2015. “If you’d like to come with me that’s great. If you don’t, that’s fine, too.”

Juniper was about 6 months old when Ann threw down that gauntlet.

Now here we were in Portland roughly another six months later, and the prophecy was coming true.

Prior to flying out to Portland for Juni’s birthday, Ann had started making… arrangements. Ann is a nurse, and for the past nearly two decades she has worked for a multinational corporation, a health care company that has offices and clinics all over the country. Prior to our trip to Portland, she started scanning the company’s bulletin boards to see what sort of opportunities she could find in the Portland area.

Sure enough, there was a new clinic opening in a Portland suburb, and Ann arranged an interview.

We flew to Portland on Thursday, April 28. The next morning I dropped her off for her interview and went off to a Starbucks nearby. She sent me a text when the interview was over, I went back to pick her up, she got back in the car and said “they want me to start on August 1.”

Cue the Big Bang Theory, only set it in reverse….

*

I have lived in Nashville (OK, I’m technically in Pegram, in the next county over, but who’s counting?) since February, 1994. It’ll be 23 years I’ve lived here come next Valentines Day.

That’s more than twice as long as I’ve lived anywhere in my whole life. When I was a kid I lived in Rumson, New Jersey, from age 0 until I was almost 12, when my mother and (new) step father moved us to a suburb in New Jersey that was closer to his office in New York. I also lived in Hawaii from 1980 until 1994, though the last two years of that residency was spent mostly in Los Angeles, going back and forth to Maui.

(Insert obscure Pop Culture reference here:

They even brought a neon sign!

In Hawaii, I lived near a line in an Eagles song:

You can leave it all behind and sail to Lahaina Just like the missionaries did so many years ago They even brought a neon sign ‘Jesus is Coming’, Brought the white man’s burden down, brought the white man’s reign

Yeah, that’s what I did in 1980. And I drove by that neon sign almost every day.)

So by any calculus, I’ve lived here in Middle Tennessee longer than I’ve lived anywhere. When people ask me “where you from” I will make a big deal about being from ‘Springsteen Country – Monmouth County, New Jersey.” But then I will tell them, “but I’ve lived in Nashville longer than I’ve lived anywhere, so I’m from here now….”

At the time Ann was living in Austin.  We’d met at a music festival in Texas the previous spring, and we maintained a “long distance relationship” until January of 1998, when she pulled up stakes and moved to Tennessee – to be with me.

Her nursing career had begun only a couple of years before. She was divorced (twice, but we don’t have to go into the second one) from the father of her two sons, who were in their early 20s and living with her and doing to school in Austin. When she decided to move to Nashville, she set ‘the boys’ out on their own and put her house up for rent. Then she put everything she owned in a U-Haul and with a friend made the trek from Texas to Tennessee.

The apartment I was living in at the time was tiny, and mostly filled with the CDs for songs.com – the online music service I’d started two years earlier. So Ann got her own apartment in the same complex where I lived in Bellevue, and for the next 18 months or so, we “lived together in separate apartments…”

In the spring of 1999 we bought a house together. When I’d first come to Nashville in 1994 real estate was still quite affordable, but by the time we started looking around in 1999 prices within Nashville / Davidson County were already inflating out of reach (never mind how much farther they’ve gotten out of reach since).  So we found a charming little ‘ersatz Cape Cod’ on an acre of land on a quiet cul-de-sac in Pegram, one exit off I-40 west of the last exit in Davidson County.

We put both or our names on the deed, and moved in together in May of 1999.

I sold that Internet music business later that year. At the very peak of the Internet Bubble Gaylord Entertainment came knocking and offered us stupid money for a tiny business. My partners (Tom Kimmel and Michael Camp) and I pondered the proposition for about 15 seconds and said “OK.” We closed the deal in December ’99, and the first call I made after banking the proceeds was to the bank that held our mortgage, which I paid off.

Perhaps due to some family history (my father died when I was 7), I’ve never been one for making or pursuing goals in life. But the one dream/fantasy/goal I’d ever had as to live in a paid-for house. I notched that one at the end of 1999. By the time that happened, Ann and I had already been living there for about six months.

Ann and I got married in September, 2000. We went on a two-week honeymoon to England and Germany. We got rained on at Ludlow Castle in the Cotswolds, and went through crazy King Ludwig II’s Fantasyland Castle in Bavaria. Then we returned to hour shared house in Pegram and settled in “for the duration.”

Once again proving that “everything is permanent… for as long as it lasts.”

*

Here is where, in the first draft of this reminiscence, I started to go into some detail about how Ann and I had moved in to the house together and the considerable (and costly!) improvements we made over the years. How the deal with Gaylord Entertainment went south within a year, and how I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m going to do when I grow up ever since.

How I went into a form of hiding in the days and weeks after Ann departed.

But that’s all a lot more detail than I need to go into for the purposes of this testimonial. Maybe another time…

Instead, we return to Portland in April and May. Ann and I stayed there about a week. Juni had her first birthday party, attended by children and their parents from Rob and Melissa’s community of friends. I took pictures.

And the wheels started turning toward Ann’s departure. I say “Ann’s departure” because from the moment she got back in the car, it was obvious that she was moving to Portland… and I was not. At least, not yet….

We came back to Nashville, and almost immediately, Ann started pulling things together and packing things up. Over the ensuing several weeks, things that we had shared for years started disappearing. Things like the steak knives we’d used since 1999. She stopped feeding the birds in the backyard. It was always little things, but it was little things that added up to a big thing.

If you’ve read this far, I think you get the gist.

Ann packed up her Subaru SUV and drove off with her friend Evelyn (Thelma and Louise!!) and left for Portland on July 20.

http://cohesionarts.com/art/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/IMG_0805-1.m4v

  Amid all the other cosmic/global upheavals of the past 12 months, I have been going through my own fundamental disruption and realignment.

I have been to Portland three times in the 5-1/2 months since Ann moved there. She has yet to visit Nashville.

And I have been, for the most part, creatively inert. I haven’t written much, I haven’t taken any pictures, I haven’t played much guitar. I’ve posted only a few things to this blog, and there hasn’t been a “Weekly Digest” since the week before the election.   What little output I have made has been pretty much  confined to Facebook – which lends it self to short, quick, snarky diatribes that don’t require a whole lot of actual thought.

Maybe I’ve been quiet because it’s hard to keep creative energy flowing when all the energy you have is just going into riding the waves of an emotional roller coaster, when it takes all your strength to just hold yourself together when it feels like the world around you is falling apart. Like I told my therapist recently, “I’m exhausted.”

For as long as it has been – too long, really – since my business blew up in 2000, I have fully expected that I would find something to do that would spring from my own creative energy. First I wrote a book and got it published. Thinking I’d found my new calling as a “biographer of obscure 20th century scientists” I went on to write another. That turned into six years going down a rabbit hole in which there was no fucking rabbit.

After that, I turned my attention to photography, and even my therapist thought I was “on to something” when I first started creating the “Portals of Stone” from my trip to the UK in the spring of 2013. I started exhibiting at a gallery in the Arcade. I tried to own my identity as “an artist.” But mostly what I got was a first-hand education in how truly difficult that is.

Long and short of it, really nothing I’ve undertaken over the past 15 years has come to fruition anything like that company I started back in 1995. I’ve spent all that time as “an entrepreneur between startups” or “an author between books.” Or a photographer wandering among medieval ruins, looking for continuity in time and space…

But once I was living alone, I finally found a partial answer to the question I’ve been asking myself at 4:00AM every morning for the past 15 years, “what will I do when I grow up?”

I finally broke down and got a real “job.”

For the past four months, I have been working for Apple, at their store in the Green Hills Mall in Nashville, where I am a “product specialist.” It’s a glorified title for a retail salesperson, but I rather like the work and I seem well-suited for it.

I really have prided myself, over the course of my life generally, but of the past decade-and-half specifically, for never having worked for any giant corporations. The two previous exceptions where a brief stint as a securities peddler for the Maui branch of a Wall Street brokerage, and then my 10 months as an ‘executive’ for Gaylord Entertainment.

Neither of those situations was a particularly good fit. The Wall Street thing dissolved when I decided instead to go to Los Angeles and study music. At Gaylord, I was “the New York Jewish bull in Gaylord’s Southern Christian China shop.”

But as giant corporations go, Apple is a good one – at least from the perspective of a rank-and-file employee at one of their retail stores. The environment is stimulating and supportive; the hours are flexible and predicated as much on my own schedule  as theirs.  Since I get to spend the hours there talking about products that I use personally, that I know almost inside and out, it’s just the most natural fit I was ever going to find. And given what else was going on in my life when I applied for the job, I am grateful that they looked at my resume (…”What, you haven’t really had a job for 15 years?…) and said “OK.”

So for the past few months, I have been spending most of my waking hours seeking an unexpected refuge in the form of a conventional “day job” that I actually look forward to going to every day. As challenging as some of the customer interactions can be sometimes (“…Whaddya mean you don’t know your password…???”), it’s always a bit of a let down when it’s time to leave. And I really like the person I turn into when I go out on the floor.

So a lot of my time and energy over the past 4 months has gone into adapting to a very different reality from everything that went before.

– – – – –

Earlier today I opened WordPress for the first time in weeks (months?) and posted two items. And I’ve been writing this gem all day. It’s literally the first time I have spent a whole day in my own creative space in several months.

So maybe there is something to this “dawning of a new year” business, even if it does mean that Donald-Fucking-Trump is going to be President for the next four years (or until we nuclear-annihilate ourselves, which ever comes first).

It feels like the fog is lifting. That maybe there’s some light at the end of this tunnel, though I suspect there could be more tunnel before I actually get to the light.

This will do for now.

But that’s where Paul went.

[cohesionarts]

This just in from Cohesion Arts

New Post has been published on http://cohesionarts.com/2017/01/02/whered-paul-go/

Where'd Paul Go??

I can’t really know if anybody besides me has been asking that question, but if you’re one of the regulars around here (the numbers may not be legion, but the affection is sincere…) you may have been wondering why the frequency of posts to this site dropped off dramatically in the second half of last year (2016).

At least, I hope somebody noticed, and even if nobody did notice, I’m going to attempt to explain the absence.

So, where did Paul go?

He sorta went into hiding for awhile. His innate tendency to be reclusive and withdrawn when things “go all pear-shaped” got the better of him for several months.

Or, rather, maybe, he just had the wind kicked out of him, and he’s been trying to catch his breath.

Or maybe he’s been thrown into the middle of a lake and is treading water, trying to figure which shore to swim to.

Yeah, that’s it. Treading water.

Chalk it all up to disruption on a personally cosmic scale.

– – – – – – –

I remember exactly when the fabric of my universe started to tear: April 29, 2016.

Ann and I were in Portland, Oregon. She got back in the car and said,

“They want me to start August 1st.”

At that moment, the Big Bang Theory went into full reverse and my Universe started to implode….

We were in Portland to visit “the kids” – that would be Ann’s two sons, James and Robert (they are by no means “kids” – I can never remember their exact ages but it’s somewhere in the vicinity of 40 years old), her daughter-in-law – Robert’s wife, Melissa – and, more notably, Robert and Melissa’s baby daughter, Ann’s first – and quite possibly her only – grandchild, Juniper Rae.

Juniper Rae

We’d gone to Portland ostensibly for Juniper’s first birthday. She was born in May of 2015, and we’d both flown up to Portland for that; Ann had gotten there within hours of the baby’s arrival, I followed a week later.

Now we were back for the first birthday, and Major Changes were afoot. They’d started in earnest the previously fall, but really the fuse started burning toward an inexorable explosion as soon as Melissa’s pregnancy was announced back in the summer of 2014.

The fuse started burning with that announcement, but the first cherry bomb didn’t go off until a year later, when Ann let me know that sooner or later she was moving to Oregon. And that I could come… if I wanted. It was all about being a grandparent. Which concept I might have been insufficiently enthusiastic about, owing in part to never having met the prerequisite of being an actual parent myself.

“I’m going to find a job and I might just pack up and move,” she said, back in November of 2015. “If you’d like to come with me that’s great. If you don’t, that’s fine, too.”

Juniper was about 6 months old when Ann threw down that gauntlet.

Now here we were in Portland six months later, and the prophecy was coming true.

Prior to flying out to Portland for Juni’s birthday, Ann had started making… arrangements. Ann is a nurse, and for the past nearly two decades she has worked for a multinational health care company that has offices and clinics all over the country. Prior to our trip to Portland, she started scanning the company’s bulletin boards to see what sort of opportunities she could find in the Portland area.

Sure enough, there was a new clinic opening in a Portland suburb, and Ann arranged an interview.

We flew to Portland on Thursday, April 28. The next morning I dropped her off for her interview and went off to a Starbucks nearby. She sent me a text when the interview was over, I went back to pick her up, she got back in the car and said “they want me to start on August 1.”

Cue the Big Bang Theory, only set it in reverse….

*

I have lived in Nashville (OK, I’m technically in Pegram, in the next county over, but who’s counting?) since February, 1994. It’ll be 23 years I’ve lived here come next Valentines Day.

That’s more than twice as long as I’ve lived anywhere in my whole life. When I was a kid I lived in Rumson, New Jersey, from age 0 until I was almost 12, when my mother and (new) step father moved us to a suburb in New Jersey that was closer to his office in New York. I also lived in Hawaii from 1980 until 1994, though the last two years of that residency was spent mostly in Los Angeles, going back and forth to Maui.

(Insert obscure Pop Culture reference here:

They even brought a neon sign!

In Hawaii, I lived near a line in an Eagles song:

You can leave it all behind and sail to Lahaina Just like the missionaries did so many years ago They even brought a neon sign ‘Jesus is Coming’, Brought the white man’s burden down, brought the white man’s reign…

Yeah, that’s what I did in 1980. And I drove by that neon sign almost every day.)

So by any calculus, I’ve lived here in Middle Tennessee longer than I’ve lived anywhere. When people ask me “where are you from” I will make a big deal about being from ‘Springsteen Country – Monmouth County, New Jersey.” But then I will tell them, “but I’ve lived in Nashville longer than I’ve lived anywhere, so I’m from here now….”

At the time Ann was living in Austin.  We’d met at a music festival in Texas the previous spring, and we maintained a “long distance relationship” until January of 1998, when she pulled up stakes and moved to Tennessee – to be with me.

Her nursing career had begun only a couple of years before. She was divorced (twice, but we don’t have to go into the second one) from the father of her two sons, who were in their early 20s and living with her and going to school in Austin. When she decided to move to Nashville, she set ‘the boys’ out on their own and put her house up for rent. Then she put everything she owned in a U-Haul and with a friend made the trek from Texas to Tennessee.

The apartment I was living in at the time was tiny, and mostly filled with the CDs for songs.com – the online music service I’d started two years earlier. So Ann got her own apartment in the same complex where I lived in Bellevue, and for the next 18 months or so, we “lived together in separate apartments…”

In the spring of 1999 we bought a house together. When I’d first come to Nashville in 1994, real estate was still quite affordable, but by the time we started looking around in 1999 prices within Nashville / Davidson County were already inflating out of reach (never mind how much farther they’ve gotten out of reach since).  So we found a charming little ‘ersatz Cape Cod’ on an acre of land on a quiet cul-de-sac in Pegram, one exit off I-40, west of the last exit in Davidson County.

We put both or our names on the deed, and moved in together in May of 1999.

I sold that Internet music business later that year. At the very peak of the Internet Bubble Gaylord Entertainment came knocking and offered us stupid money for a tiny business. My partners (Tom Kimmel and Michael Camp) and I pondered the proposition for about 15 seconds and said “OK.” We closed the deal in December ’99, and the first call I made after banking the proceeds was to the bank that held our mortgage, which I paid off.

Perhaps due to some family history (my father died when I was 7), I’ve never been one for making or pursuing goals in life. But the one dream/fantasy/goal I’d ever had as to live in a paid-for house. I notched that one at the end of 1999. By the time that happened, Ann and I had already been living there for about six months.

I went to work as a mid-level executive for Gaylord, still running my old company but now leashed to the prerogatives of young and stupid Corporate Overlords.  I watched as the whole thing ground slowly into digital dust.

Ann and I  got married in September, 2000 and went on a two-week honeymoon to England and Germany. We got rained on at Ludlow Castle in the Cotswolds, and went through crazy King Ludwig II’s Fantasyland Castle in Bavaria. Then we returned to our shared house in Pegram and settled in “for the duration.”

Once again proving that “everything is permanent… for as long as it lasts.”

*

Here is where, in the first draft of this reminiscence, I started to go into some detail about how Ann and I had moved in to the house together and the considerable (and costly!) improvements we made over the years. How the deal with Gaylord Entertainment went off the rails the day after we returned from our honeymoon, and how I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m going to do when I grow up ever since.

But that’s all a lot more detail than I need to go into now. Maybe another time…

Instead, we return to Portland in April and May. Ann and I stayed there about a week. Juni had her first birthday party, attended by children and their parents from Rob and Melissa’s community of friends. I took pictures.

And the wheels started turning toward Ann’s departure. I say “Ann’s departure” because from the moment she got back in the car, it was obvious that she was moving to Portland… and I was not. At least, not yet….

We came back to Nashville, and almost immediately, Ann started pulling things together and packing things up. Over the ensuing several weeks, things that we had shared for years started disappearing. Things like the steak knives we’d used since 1999. She stopped feeding the birds in the backyard. It was always little things, but it was little things that added up to a Big Thing.

If you’ve read this far, I think you get the gist.

Ann packed up her Subaru SUV and drove off with her friend Evelyn (Thelma and Louise!!) and left for Portland on July 20.

http://cohesionarts.com/art/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/IMG_0805-1.m4v

  And so, amid all the other cosmic/global upheavals of the past 12 months, I have been going through my own fundamental disruption and realignment.

I have been to Portland three times in the 5-1/2 months since Ann moved there. She has yet to visit Nashville.

And I have been, for the most part, creatively inert. I haven’t written much, I haven’t taken any pictures, I haven’t played much guitar. I’ve posted only a few things to this blog, and there hasn’t been a “Weekly Digest” since the week before the election.   What little output I have made has been pretty much  confined to Facebook – which lends it self to short, quick, snarky diatribes that don’t require a whole lot of actual thought.

Maybe I’ve been quiet because it’s hard to keep creative energy flowing when all the energy you have is just going into riding the waves of an emotional roller coaster, when it takes all your strength to just hold yourself together when it feels like the world around you is falling apart. Like I told my therapist recently, “I’m exhausted.”

For as long as it has been – too long, really – since my business blew up in 2000, I have fully expected that I would find something to do that would spring from my own creative energy. First I wrote a book and got it published. Thinking I’d found my new calling as a “biographer of obscure 20th century scientists” I went on to write another. That turned into six years going down a rabbit hole in which there was no fucking rabbit.

After that, I turned my attention to photography, and even my therapist thought I was “on to something” when I first started creating the “Portals of Stone” from my trip to the UK in the spring of 2013. I started exhibiting at a gallery in the Arcade. I tried to own my identity as “an artist.” But mostly what I got was a first-hand education in how truly difficult that is.

Long and short of it, nothing I’ve undertaken over the past 15 years has come to fruition anything like that company I started back in 1995. I’ve spent all that time as “an entrepreneur between startups” or “an author between books.” Or a photographer wandering among medieval ruins, looking for continuity in time and space…

But once I was living alone, I finally found a partial answer to the question I’ve been asking myself at 4:00AM every morning for the past 15 years, ��what will I do when I grow up?”

I finally broke down and got a “real job.”

For the past four months, I have been working for Apple, at their store in the Green Hills Mall in Nashville, where I am a “product specialist.” It’s a glorified title for a retail salesperson, but I rather like the work and I seem well-suited for it.

I really have prided myself, over the course of my life generally, but of the past decade-and-half specifically, for never having worked for any giant corporations. The two previous exceptions where a brief stint as a securities peddler for the Maui branch of a Wall Street brokerage, and then my 10 months as an ‘executive’ for Gaylord Entertainment.

Neither of those situations was a particularly good fit. The Wall-Street-in-Hawaii thing dissolved when I decided instead to go to Los Angeles and study music. At Gaylord, I was “the New York Jewish bull in Gaylord’s Southern Christian China shop.”

But as giant corporations go, Apple is a good one – at least from the perspective of a rank-and-file employee at one of their retail stores. The environment is stimulating and supportive; the hours are flexible and predicated as much on my own schedule  as theirs.  Since I get to spend the hours there talking about products that I use personally, that I know almost inside and out, it’s just the most natural fit I was ever going to find. And given what else was going on in my life when I applied for the job, I am grateful that they looked at my resume (…”What, you haven’t really had a job for 15 years?…) and said “OK.”

So for the past few months, I have been spending most of my waking hours finding an unexpected refuge in the form of a conventional “day job” that I actually look forward to going to every day. As challenging as some of the customer interactions can be sometimes (“…Whaddya mean you don’t know your password…???”), it’s always a bit of a let down when it’s time to leave. And I really like the person I turn into when I go out on the floor.

So a lot of my time and energy over the past 4 months has gone into adapting to a very different reality from everything that went before.

*

Yesterday, I opened WordPress for the first time in weeks (months?) and posted two items. I spent the rest of the day writing this gem. It’s literally the first time I have spent a whole day in my own creative space in several months.

So maybe there is something to this “dawning of a new year” business, even if it does mean that Donald-Fucking-Trump is going to be President for the next four years (or until we nuclear-annihilate ourselves, which ever comes first).

It feels like the fog is lifting.  Like I’m finally starting to come out of a self-induced creative coma.

Maybe there’s some light at the end of this tunnel – though I suspect there could be more tunnel before I actually get to the light.

This will do for now.

Anyway, that’s where Paul went.