#also I haven’t gotten my proper period since like February

[forgive-the-sea]

.

#me wears a shirt 3x my size: oh I’m so cute! I’m so tiny! ☺️ #completely ignoring the fact that I’m super bloated and that if I were to take off the shirt I’d look pregnant #10/10 absolutely horrible #also I haven’t gotten my proper period since like February????? and I’m kinda concerned haha :)))) #dw I’m not pregnant but like...it is concerning... #shut up rina #delete later #tw pregnancy #tw periods

[loliwrites]

Honestly Loli with the pandemic and all of the shit going on at the moment with covid and not being able to see anyone, it’s made me so touch staved that I’m struggling to cope. Touch was a huge thing for me before lockdown because I didn’t have a lot of physical affection from my parents and I relied on friends! I haven’t had proper physical affection since February 2020 :( would you mind writing a lil something about cuddling with Alex? You can decide the context etc I don’t mind! You’re writing keeps me sane honey! - 🐙

Awh Squid, I feel you. As someone who didn’t start this pandemic off incredibly touch-based, it’s even been trying for me. I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you and others who rely so heavily on touch. I hope you’re able to hang in there a little while longer as we collectively get closer and closer to widespread vaccinations. I dunno where you live and what the covid situation is like there, but in CA, everyone 16+ is eligible to get a vaccine starting yesterday and it has honestly been a great relief knowing that’s somewhere in the not-so-distant future. And even though it won’t make up for everything, if you have a pet to hang onto and cuddle, give it a hug... squeeze it to your heart’s content. Try to get your cuddles of another warm-blooded mammal anywhere you can get it.

But of course I can conjure up a little something about cuddling with Alex. Anything to take the edge off.

I honestly HC that Addi wasn't much of a touch person before Alex. In fact, I think that side really only came out of her when she was drunk, and that's when her friends would notice that she got all touchy-feely and super lovey-dovey with them. To that extent, when she and Alex became friends even, she realized that he was so grounded in touch; that with close people, there were always varying degrees of touch. In relying on him, she became someone he relied on, and knowing that, she made the conscious effort for more platonic touch. So by the time they started dating, physical touch was something so engrained in their relationship that the only thing that changed was kissing on the lips and touching each other while naked.

And he knows that touch isn't her love language, but he's also seen how much she's grown and how much more comfortable and confident she's gotten with it. Where at one point it would've been like pulling teeth to even get her to cuddle for an extended period of time, now she actively seeks it out. The best sorts of days for that are the ones where, by a stroke of fate, neither one of them is working. It's not always like their weekends match up with each other.

They work so hard during the week that by the time the weekend rolls around, Addi doesn’t want to do anything but lounge. She wants to turn off her brain and let her body and mind recuperate before she puts them through the wringer again during the upcoming week. Alex is a little different. He’ll relax to an extent, but he’s still going to get a couple intense workouts in. That’s the stuff Addi doesn’t care for all the time. She wants “Alex Time” and she can’t get that if he’s at the gym. By the time he comes home, she’s torn between wanting him immediately and finding the stench of copious amounts of sweat completely overwhelming. The only thing to do is let him take a shower before she goes begging for cuddles.

Alex walks out of the bathroom with a pair of boxer briefs hung low on his hips, showing off the glorious V of his hips, and runs his hands over his wet hair to smooth it out. And Addi is just awestruck. She can't take her eyes off of him. This man she loves so deeply. From her spot on the couch with an enormous fleece blanket over her, she grins sheepishly and taps the space right in front of her. Alex gives her a suspicious glance and takes a step closer.

Another pat, pat, pat on the couch. "Cuddle," she pouts, emphasizing both syllables of the word.

He scratches his chest and points his thumb back towards his office, "I have to run lines." It's a double edged sword for him too because as much as he wants to cuddle up with her, he also knows those sorts of things have a sneaky way of becoming an all day thing.

But another pat, pat, pat on the couch cushion and he's a weak man. At the moment she sees him actually coming to cuddle with her, she lifts the fleece blanket to make a spot for him beneath it. Couch cuddles are occasionally hard for them just because of Alex's size. On this day however, he simply wraps his arms around her and hitches his leg over hers to keep her close, but mostly keep himself from falling on the floor.

Cocooned up to his chest, Addi lifts her hand and drags her fingertip down the bridge of his nose delicately. Alex shuts his eyes by the time she reaches the tip of his nose, quickly feeling her move the same fingertip to brush over his lips. He pecks the soft pad of her finger in rapid procession, earning himself some airy giggles.

"Alex," she whispers as he repositions his lips to her forehead.

"Hm?"

She leans back just far enough to face him and notices his eyes are shut, relaxed. In that moment, she hesitates, but because of her hesitation, he opens his eyes and stares at her.

"Nevermind," she coyly retreats and lifts her hand to brush it back through his hair.

He squints, "what?

"Nothing," she curls in tighter and tucks her head against his chest. "I just like cuddling you. You feel good against me,"

He nods, unconvinced, but kisses the top of her head and lets his fingers trail up and down the curve of her spine in a slow rhythm. "I like cuddling you too, kid,"

His fingers set her skin on fire. Electricity coursing over every nerve ending. At this point, she can't imagine what life would look like if he wasn't in it... if he wasn't a consideration, and frankly, probably her largest consideration. Addi presses her lips to his chest, lingering as she takes in his clean, fresh scent.

"You're my person," she mumbles against his skin. Although he doesn't respond right away, she's not worrying. She feels his lips readjust in order to kiss her forehead and she relaxes even more into his frame, pushing one of her legs in between his. "What do you have to say about that, Skarsgård?" She mews and squeezes her arms around him as tightly as she can.

"I have to say I'm pretty relieved, because you're my person too and that would've been sort of awkward if I wasn't yours," he leans back to look down at her -- her cheeks already pink and flushed. "We're pretty good together, aren't we?"

She nods, hiding her face in the hollow of his neck. Maybe no words are needed for validation -- the weight of their bodies against each other's says more than enough.

#alexander skarsgard imagine #alexander skarsgard drabble #asked #anonymous #🐙 #good boy al #alexander skarsgard #alex skarsgard #more alex and addi #touch starved

[logicheartsoul]

Just coz of the nature of some of the stuff, I’m gonna put it under the cut, and it might get long so I don’t wanna spam your dashes with length

There have been new people who’ve followed my blog recently, so probably don’t know this, but for awhile I’ve gotten back to living with my folks. And usually that’s not a bad thing, except in February, my parents went overseas to be with family and friends (like my mom for example had a planned high school reunion and I actually helped with a t-shirt design for it), and since they’re both retired and staying with family, they stay a long time. Like, normally, they would come back in the summer, and things would be fine.

Except, back in mid-February, I got the news that my grandma died. I haven’t really talked about her here much but she raised me and also was someone I was very very close to. It took a lot out of me. I’m still kinda coping with her loss, better than before, but I’m grateful my mom was able to actually have a proper funeral with her siblings because if she died during the pandemic, I’d be more wrought to be honest. I was really upset that my passport expired and I couldn’t fly back to see her (even though my aunt managed that and somehow came back in march just a couple of days before the shutdown, talk about luck). (The hooplah with all of that was a mess but I do have a new valid passport.)

The last time I saw any of my friends, or family really, was back in late Feb/early March. The amount of actual time in the year 2020 I saw any of my family or friends is basically a total of 2.5 months.

My dad called and told me that their flights won’t be until November, so I basically have been alone for over 9 months (or will be). I barely have seen my sister during most of these times because she is an essential worker and so when the rates get higher, she doesn’t go to see me in order to protect me. My other remaining family members who are around are mostly in high risk situations so also one of those ‘staying out for safety’ thing and it just.

I’m really surprised my mental health hasn’t gotten as fucked up as it was. I mean, I know I went through a period, just trying to deal with staying shut in like a recluse due to the mandated shutdown, plus dealing with grief, plus literally not having any social interaction, and it wasn’t until my friend chanced a potentially safe hang out last week that I actually started to feel better (my friend works but her brother, who she lives with, is an amazon warehouse worker...and we all know how they treat employees so at any time there’s a chance he could catch it, which is why we’ve only been messaging a lot and not seeing each other in person) for my mental health that I actually could get up to do things.

The only things that kept me going in the 7 months of not seeing people and not having many people visit or getting real platonic physical affection from people, is basically my online friends and fandom, but still.

Oh, it also doesn’t help plenty of my family members who I’m close to are nurses and doctors. So uh. Yeah.

I guess it’s a miracle I can actually get out of bed and do basic stuff like making food and sleeping and checking the mail and taking out trash. Some days it’s even hard to do that. And my parents told me originally they were gonna be back next week over a month ago and now I have to withstand yet again being alone for awhile more.

I’d go out of my house to walk in the neighborhood except lots of people are always out and SO MANY OF THEM do not wear masks and there’s no WAY of being able to get out of the way coz the sidewalks are too small and there’s people driving on the roads. Not fun. (That and heat, who wants to deal with Texas heat? Not me.)

I’m just tired. I’m surprised I haven’t had more breakdowns (coz I did have a few these last few months). Pretty sure I lost weight just by stress (even though I make sure to eat 3 meals a day and try to sleep at least 7 hours a night). And any kind of inspired writing or gifsets is just like the basic rush of serotonin keeping my brain from not going down a bad spiral and I never know when that ever hits.

Anyway, I guess that’s the summarized catching up of ‘what’s been happening in A-Chan’s life since February’. Coz god I am so tired of just. Worrying about my family even if they take as many precautions as possible. I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of not being able to see my friends, I’m just sick of it. And like, I know I feel like most days I’m not grieving so hard about my grandma anymore until from February to like...June but only because maybe this damn pandemic has forced me to push it aside for all the other crappy things happening around right now.

I guess it’s not surprising that now after 7 months I feel at least a little bit of a human only if because 1) I got out of my neighborhood for the first time in literal months and 2) I hung out with my friend for 4 hours doing something we normally usually did before the pandemic at least twice or more a month, and thus made my mental health better. I wish I felt this better sooner.

I guess better late than never.

#personal #negativity #mental health #death mention #reading this it's not wonder my mental health went into a shitfest spiral and that i didn't get out of it sooner #and yes technically my sister was like 'you need to get out more' except for the fact she's busy dealing with shit in her OWN life and has #to work to survive and therefore it's not her responsibility to check in on me because i'm a grown adult and i accept that i do not blame #her but damn none of my other relatives want to see me either and that hurts like shit #anyways i'm gonna stop rambling or i'll probably cry again #at least we won't have to enact on the plans on 'how to celebrate the holidays without our parents' plan we discussed back in july #there's so much more here i probably didn't get into but it's for the best

[itchyboogers]

hello comrades

my name is grace. i'm gonna be honest right now, not sure exactly what this post is. just because i can't function without order, i'm gonna make a list of reasons why i'm sharing my story:

to spread awareness

because i need an outlet

many of my friends suggested i share this

simply to entertain whoever might take a look at it

just in case, because of my paranoia, i’m saying right now i don’t want any witch hunt. i feel like saying this is really reaching in terms of how many people are gonna read this, but my concern insists. this is gonna be a long article, so i’m putting the little “read more” thingamabob right here. 

trigger warning, for like, everything

about me; prologue?

as you saw above, my name is grace. i’m 19, and this is a very personal experience that i’ve gone through. first, let me introduce everything that’s wrong with me. i have high-functioning autism, and throughout my life my autism has been the root of my downfall. ever since 2nd grade i’ve gotten the short end of the stick. you always hear about prodigy kids whose grades and social lives falter as the years pass, i am 100% one of them. this story isn’t necessarily about me, but i’ve been through some shit, son. 

i have a family that is more supportive than i could ever ask for, i’m not gonna lie and say that my at-home life was miserable - because home was my safe place, and public school was where i fought my battles. i was a very eccentric kid and while my autism has limited me, it has also given me the ability to think outside of the box, blah blah blah so i’m grateful for it as well. 

by the time i got to 6th grade, things went way more south than i thought they could go. i was a bit of an edgelord back then so i was skipping 4th period with my friend in the locker room. we’re dicking around, looking in lockers, climbing the stalls, being stupid kids. somewhere along the line we jump into the topic of sexuality, and she tells me she thinks she might be bi. i said that wouldn’t change anything about us, and that i might not like boys at all. 

she told me about her parents not agreeing with the whole gay thing and she wasn’t even close to thinking of coming out of the closet because her parents would disown her. real fucked up, but it happened back then still quite frequently. i promised her i wouldn’t tell anybody and that i wouldn’t even think about outing her to anyone, and we gave each other a cute little friend hug, it was cute.

about 3 days later on the weekend, we’re texting and a small argument boils between us and another friend in a group chat. it starts to become a bigger argument, because kids are stupid and dramatic, and i definitely was. she ended up kicking me out of the group chat and i cried myself to sleep (i know lmao). i went to school on monday and i immediately get called into the principal’s office, regarding sexual assault claims. she lied and told the school faculty that i tried to touch her inappropriately during that time we skipped class in the locker room. she also got her friends to tell everybody.

long story short i became severely depressed, gained weight, got my head shoved in a toilet filled with piss by some 8th graders friends with that girl’s older sister, and started self-harming to suppress my urge to hurt other people. my meds got switched around (it’s why i gained weight) and i ended up switching schools because a public school had an IEP i think it was called? anyway

blah blah blah countless school stories and misfortunes blah blah blah crohn’s disease blah blah blah ambulance sent to the school all that jazz. it’s gonna hurt too much if i talk about PRLC, but basically there was a low-funded school for kids who wanted a second chance due to disability, drugs, ect. it was out at a wildlife preservation park with all sorts of animals, i met my best friends there, became the person i am today, ect. but staff changes ended up changing the school for the worse and eventually i got dismissed.

very long depression period, i got kicked out from the school i used to call a second home back in 2018 and this cycle hasn’t ended yet, to this day. i’m hoping writing this will give me some closure or something, because writing about my misfortunes online has sent me opportunities in the past. i am not a perfect person, i never have been, and i can still name many things about my psyche and outlook on life that i’d like to someday change.

the main course

this is where i start talking about somebody that i won’t mention by name, but i’ll call him music boy for convenience. in december of last year i got to see my favorite band live for the second time, the first being april of 2018. i love this band with all my heart, and i’m not going to mention them by name. but after the concert i was going through some heavy post-concert sadness, and i wanted to share my love and appreciation so i find a semi-active discord server dedicated to said band, and i join. i make some friends and acquaintances over a span of 2-3 months.

marijuana got legalized in my state this year, something i had been anticipating for a long time, ergo from january 2020 to the beginning of april 2020, i was in a constant state of stoned off my ass. nobody saw sober grace until the late days of april. i was not in any way able to make proper decisions regarding, say, a relationship. and it was really obvious that i was high, nobody would have thought otherwise.

after i get home from a birthday vacation to arizona on february 2nd, i start going in the voice chats for the server. i would say in the general chat something along the lines of “sick, i’m super baked i’m gonna go bother the voice chat” and i end up in a group chat consisting of most of the server members that are “of age” (so not too many). at this point i’m barely aware i’m making friends, but one person in the group i really happened to resonate with. her name is Christina, and she’s to this day my number 1 mom friend and goblin sibling. <3

i meet a handful of more people in the group chat (we called it the “after hours”) and we have a lot of fun doing different activities over discord. for example we all decided to sign up for club penguin online (which is now proven to be run by a predator, i believe) and we all battled each other in card-jitsu. or i would share my screen as i went on Omegle and did goofy high shit on there and met people under the “memes” or “weed” tags. 

in this after hours group chat, one of the active members was music boy. he was the owner of the server dedicated to the band i love. why music boy? because he wants desperately to become a famous musician. there’s something about music boy that’s... ‘different’. i don’t know if anyone knows what i mean when i say, his energy was awry. the best way to describe music boy is kind of mean, but it’s the only way i’m able to express how this guy is as a person. i can best describe him by saying he expects his life to play out as a WattPad fanfiction, him being the main character. 

just so you get the main point, this one time i was on Omegle dicking around ha ha funny random people, but music boy was silent. he then typed in the chat that he was gonna go on Omegle himself and do something painfully unfunny, he said he was gonna get his guitar and use that as a prop to “vibe check” people on the website. it wasn’t funny but everybody (me included) was sort of brainwashed into thinking he could do no wrong. don’t know how he got me to laugh at that, especially with his delivery of the joke. 

yet, he didn’t want to “vibe check” people, i know that now - he just couldn’t stand when he wasn’t the center of attention. so he left and told a mod, who was also in the group chat, to join the server voice chat with him. and he announced that he was streaming himself vibe checking people on Omegle. the iffy part about that is that the entire reason he made the after hours chat was to keep NSFW stuff off the server, and it was basically prompted by me streaming myself messing around on Omegle and seeing a lot of (pretty expected) male genitalia. i’m not gonna explain that any further because anybody with a brain can understand why that was a confusing move on his part.

eventually february 14th came by, and i, being as high as i was, decided to send music boy a bunch of goofy valentine’s day cards, like the ones that were popular in 2013. i kept sending them because at the time i thought it was so funny, and i’m a natural flirt when i’m stoned. keep in mind everybody knew they hadn’t seen me sober yet, the joke in the server was basically 'when is grace not high?’ so it was evident that my decision-making process was impaired.

for some reason music boy wanted us to all play DnD, even though half of us didn’t know or give a rat’s ass how to play. i would make stupid jokes, and everybody would laugh, but music boy would exaggerate, he would go ‘oh thats how it is? is that how this is going to be’ or some unfunny shit like that because he thought every single joke or reference that anyone made had something to do with him, because, you know, he is the main character, after all. he eventually made a really embarrassing big deal about him ‘accepting my valentine proposal’ and then he went to bed i guess.

the next day or two is a blur to me, all i remember and know is that Christina knew that he was taking advantage of me always being super high, but she didn’t want to assume anything. like she had always seen me make a joke and then would see music boy turn that joke sexual, even when it was nearly impossible to make a suggestive joke out of what i originally joked about, which to be honest was probably my flawless Sméagol impression. but he would repeat the Gollum voice and say something unfunny that we all laughed at.

basically, if you haven’t caught on, music boy is a major egotistical narcissist that cannot stand having somebody that isn’t him being paid attention to. he told me his “dream” (that's TOTALLY gonna come true, by the way) was to go to a concert of the band the server was dedicated to, but he would show up in a custom made shirt that said “[lead singer of band] IS A THOT” and then the band’s guitarist would point it out and laugh because it’s SO funny and then get the lead singer’s attention, who would pull music boy on stage and challenge him to pehen he would start serenading the crowd and all the girls’ panties would instantly get soaked, all the tabloids would hear about it, and the band would jizz their pants, and he would become an overnight sensation.

here’s where stuff gets dodgy. i’m not claiming this is abuse, because i don’t have experience with abusive relationships, and i’m not in any place to assume that i understand what it’s like to be in one, but my friends have told me that he mentally abused me and took advantage of the state i was in. somewhere along the line he would, in the group call, tell his sob story about how all his friends ghosted him and tried to cancel him because of some sort of misconduct accusation in a previous server, and how i was his savior for putting my trust in him and believing his side of the story and he said some things about becoming a happier person because he met me, and it was all very unnecessarily dramatic and extremely manipulative disregarding if he noticed he was doing it or not.

I.E.

“and... then I met this girl... this really weird girl! then i saw her face, and i thought i loved her, but i found out she only liked girls and i lost all hope but then out of nowhere she sends me valentines cards! and now shes my valentine”

or some really really stupid gay shit like that, it’s the best i can imitate him without gagging or getting sick. then eventually (eventually being equal to ‘within the first week of meeting me’) he hEsiTaNtLy asks me to, like, idk be his e-girlfriend. he knew i was baked to oblivion and wasn’t in a proper state to make up my mind on anything serious but then again am i the main character? 

no. 

music boy is the main character.

if i’m being gut-wrenchingly honest here, i only genuinely liked the idea of being in an e-relationship with music boy for a day or a day and a half. the entire time i was just stoned out of my mind and not thinking as i normally do, i was nonchalant until april fools day when all hell broke loose in the server. on a live stream, the lead singer of the band made a suggestion that he was in the server that music boy made. and dear God, you would have thought it was the second coming of Christ by the way music boy reacted to it. 

he was being unbelievably hyper, even for someone with ADHD. he was hauling his uncanny-valley looking forcibly ripped body around his room like a genetically mutated spider monkey, banging his head against his bed, stopping mid-sentence to play a quirky chord on his handy dandy acoustic guitar while he looked in the webcam and made a quirky blank face. it was like watching a six y/o meet Iron Man, even though there was nothing really to be too elated about. 

he made an emoji for it and everything, he even posted on the “Official [band name] Discord Server”’s instagram account, but it was just a video of him, and the thumbnail was his goofy ass face, the whole video was just music boy saying unfunny shit trying to lowkey promote the server while flexing at the same time, something like [lead singer] we know you’re here!! you are welcome here my lord idk lmfaooo

but at this point i was becoming too sober to stand by silently and watch this moron suck his own toes, i wasn’t gonna act like his music was good and i wasn’t gonna act like he was gonna become a superstar without question. the breaking point was mostly when he almost came his pants and cried when the lead singer allegedly joined his server, but i came close to breaking when i started casually humming in the group call and hes like 

Hold Up 👁️👄👁️ wait you’re so good... why are you so good? you’re like really good and i mean it!! you’re like, almost as good as me! but you know i have YEARS of practice you know haha but you’re like super good!

and then I decided to humor myself by showing him a cover i recorded and the first thing he said after listening to it halfway was “this scares me”, so that was a pretty big warning sign.

blah blah blah i cried for an hour after that then called him again just to break up with him because of my own mental health and he did handle this very well, not bashing him for that. i basically told him no we aren’t taking a break this shindig will no longer continue, like at all, ever and hes like okay cool yknow it hurts but ill get over it, and i really didnt expect that. because, he basically implied that if i left him he would k*ll himself.

i tried to keep the friendship going because i dont like abandoning people, but he slowly started getting distant from me, and the entire server kind of distanced themselves from me too, but at the time i only noticed music boy getting apprehensive with me. keep in mind (i keep saying that, don’t i?) i thought everybody in the server was cool with me making offensive-ish jokes because they had no problem with it during the time i was “with” music boy. then one day i get called out for talking about - i’m not joking - weed. i started ranting about how weed is my medicine and it was kinda silly to get so pissy over the devil’s lettuce but i dont think i made too big of a deal out of what i could have made.

couple days later im talking in the server again. i’m a very blunt person, my humor is very dry and it can tend to go over some people’s heads if they don’t have enough brain cells. i made a joke that i’d already made in the server before about me being r-word because autism and haha funny joke. 

i get kicked out of the server.

at the time i was confused because i had no idea that i even said anything wrong. i messaged music boy a bit passive-aggressively because despite my confusion i still had a vague idea of what was happening. i said something like "was i too edgy" and like 3 minutes later he responds "you were making a lot of dudes uncomfortable”

mcscuse me bietch?

NOBODYYYYY in the general chat had told me that i was making them feel uncomfy whatsoever, and i dont think anything could have implied that anyone was in any way uncomfortable, and with these social situations i’ve explained to everyone in the after hours chat that sometimes i don’t get social cues. i’m autistic!!! it’s a very rare occurrence when i’m able to ‘read the room’. i thought they knew that but they decided to have a private staff meeting and they all agreed it was best to BAN ME from the server. 

the thing is if i had been messaged, if i was let known that people were bitching about me calling myself r******d then i would have definitely complied. i can understand people feeling a bit weird when i make fun of myself using no-no words, and i’m definitely willing to stop saying a certain thing if it genuinely makes somebody feel uneasy. but nobody said anything about it to me. not a single word.

considering the server has gone to a snowflake kingdom since my exit, i’m not too upset about being kicked out. what i am upset about regards him knowing i wasn’t in a proper state to make any decisions. decisions including NSFW decisions that he hinted at for about 5 minutes before i stopped saying ‘ehhh i don’t know if i’m comfortable with this’ and he didn’t have to beg for coochie anymore. i’m honestly lucky because i can’t remember most of what he coaxed me to do, because if i think about it too much it gets traumatic and i start feeling nauseous.

Christina has been in the server just to tell me what new bullshit has been going on in the rules, and the ever-expanding list of things that you aren’t allowed to talk about in the server, we have a good chuckle at it. i got high again about a week ago, and told my friends the audacity of what music boy actually had done to me and we all agreed to go under a vpn and raid the server, because why not, its funny haha goofy joke. we were having the best time and i was about to piss myself laughing when one of my friends name-drops me and the whoooole gig is over. we get kicked out and Christina pretends to act like she had no clue what was going on, so she could stay in and screenshot this:

she didn’t know how badly that term in itself would send me down a long overdue psychotic episode because about a year or two ago, i was getting concerned that i might have anti-social personality disorder, the ‘proper’ term for a diagnosed psychopath. it ended up nonconclusive, so i don’t necessarily believe i have it, but for some reason him calling me that word really fucked me up. but here’s a pretty funny and cringy sequence of things he typed in to get his cult of teenagers to feel bad for him.

don’t go looking for this person, don’t go looking for the band, i’m just sharing my story because maybe somebody could benefit from my experience being told. i’m trying to jump over this long ass hurdle that’s kept me in one place for wayyy too long, i’m hoping that sharing this endeavor could help my psyche, and perhaps push me forward and lead me towards gathering up the courage i’m missing to finally study for and take the GED test, graduate, and put public school and it’s challenges behind me.

if you read this long and want to talk to me about it, by all means, ask questions, make jokes, ask for more goofy ass screenshots of how i’ve made fun of him, more drama queen music boy tales, because we have a handful, trust me. 

i don’t expect anyone to read this or necessarily care about this, but if you’ve come this far, from the bottom of my heart, do not date a musician. and, of course, thank you for reading. but still, don’t date a musician. especially if it’s a man. mega especially x2 if you’ve only known them for less than a week.

add me on roblox i’m user xulue i’m a funny gal and im a pro gamer

stay safe out there, be kind, and for the love of God don’t bring your guitar to the voice channel <3

#xulue #tw: manipulation #tw: self harm #tw: drugs #tw: slurs #narcissist #npd #mental manipulation #mine #taken advantage of #autism #impaired judgement #my ex #discord #discord server #personal

[medschoolash]

Do you mind sharing more your road to medical school? Only if you’re comfortable of course?

yeah sure anon! I’ve actually never written my full story on here or anywhere so I’m glad I get the chance to do it now and hopefully this encourages someone else to keep pursuing their goals or dreams. 

Warning this is a long story . 

so I graduated with a degree is biology back in 2012, it took me 5 years to finish that degree. I was initially a biochemistry major and I changed halfway thru, which put me behind a semester. The semester I was supposed to graduate my depression, something I had struggled with since childhood but never quite acknowledged, had worsened to the point that I could barely function as a student, so I ended up failing every class I took that semester which meant I had to comeback for another semester. 

My final semester in undergrad I prayed everyday for just Cs, that’s what I needed to graduate and that’s all I really wanted because I had zero energy to invest anymore. God heard my prayers and I finished the semester with straight Cs. 

this is the face of a depressed girl who had finished an academic journey well below where she’s used to being but who is grateful she even got to finish at all.

It’s safe to sat that after my terrible academic performance my medical school chances were shot to hell and my confidence in my ability to actually be a doctor what almost zero. I was an amazing student in HS, won every award imaginable, was student of the year, etc but undergrad just didn’t go that way for me. I started off strong and gradually declined as my mental health problems became worse and worse. So to finish the next part of my academic journey at such a low place academically was a blow to me. After graduation I had to make a decision about what I would do next. I thought about doing a post bac program but I couldn’t mentally handle more school and I had zero desire to get a masters in biology when I was so miserable as a biology major.

I ended up deciding to take a year off after graduation. I have amazing parents who support me so they were okay with my decision. I didn’t work or attend school and at times I felt like I was just wasting my life but I did do a lot of soul searching and I discovered what I was really passionate about it life. That time off gave me a chance to mentally rest and recover from a very hard phase of my life. It gave me the freedom to get to know myself better without the pressures and responsibilities of life. I was always aware that this was a privilege that a lot of people don’t get which made me extremely grateful for it. During this time period I was introduced to the field of public health. My best friend had left some months before to pursue a Masters degree in public health and she mentioned she felt I would like it. During my break I looked into it and I learned that it was the perfect combination of all that things I was passionate about at that time: medicine, community, service, and advocacy. The more I explored the field and myself the more I became sure that this was the next step in my path, that this would be the place that I could fine fulfillment while also doing something that could potentially made me a better medical school candidate. while I researched school I started a community health initiative through my church, volunteered in my community, and did small things that made me feel like I had purpose and was making some sort of difference in the world. 

One night when I was up at 3am binge watching the early seasons of game of thrones I saw an email about a school in California that offered a Masters of Public Health degree via their School of Community and Global health. I had always wanted to live in California and the school was perfect for what I was looking for so despite knowing that my grades technically weren’t what they needed to be for a graduate program (yes my undergrad GPA that THAT low) I applied to the school. I even took a huge risk and applied to ONLY that school because that’s how much faith I had about this being the next step for me. It was stressful waiting to hear back from the school and I had many moments of doubting if it was the right decision. I applied to the school in early 2013. The end of July early august approaches and I still haven’t heard anything back even though school starts the first week of September. All of my friends and family knew I would get in but I was seriously doubting. They believed in me so strongly they even gave me a surprise going away party before I even got accepted. 

My dad later encourages me to call the school so I call, fully expecting to hear that I was rejected. At the end of that phone call I learn that I had gotten into the school but I never received my acceptance letter because there was a mix up in their office with the reporting of my GRE scores. I cried as soon as I was told I was granted a conditional acceptance so I barely even processed that it was conditional and not full right away. Either way I was just happy that my faith had paid off, I was going to be attending a school in my dream area and studying something I was passionate about. 

I had less than 1 month to move halfway across the country which was hectic but my family was amazing and made the quick transition a breeze. In August 2013 I moved and once  I got there I now had to finally force myself to deal with the fact that I had a conditional acceptance looming over my head and if I didn’t perform up to par I would be dismissed.  This was also a very  expensive private school that is a part of a very prestigious consortium of colleges that based on stats I shouldn’t have even been accepted into. So  I couldn’t afford to fail at this.  This was stressful at first because my confidence in myself academically still wasn’t great after my experience in undergrad. Long story short tho, I needed to maintain at-least a 3.3 my first semester in order to be granted full acceptance and continue in the program…. I ended up with a 4.0 that first semester. I shocked myself with my performance and doing that well really gave me a much needed boost of confidence. After this first semester I slowly started to allow myself to really dream of medical school again and believe it was possible.

My Graduate experience ended up being exactly what I needed. I met amazing people while in my program, got to experience an amazing city like Los Angeles, and I started to really understand what kind of physician I wanted to be going forward. It was during this program that I realized that there was more to medicine than the science and that It should take more than just perfect grades to call yourself an MD.  I learned that I needed to be a doctor that their patients could trust, that could see the bigger picture outside of just their disease, that could advocate for them, that could treat them with respect and understand everything that affects their quality of life like income status, race, educational background, access to affordable transportation, food and healthcare, and health policy. This is where I decided that I wanted to be a primary care provider instead of a neurologist, where I finally found what my purpose truly was. It wasn’t to just be a doctor for the sake of being a doctor, it was to be a true servant of the people on a community level and global level. 

Despite all this amazing growth and the amazing experience, during my final year my depression and anxiety started to rear it’s ugly head again. It was even more dejecting this time around because I was so happy, so content, living such an amazing life but no matter what I seemed like I couldn’t escape. At the end of 2014 I had health issues that made my mother fly out to California for a week to take care of me and I had huge mental breakdown in February of 2015 (I wrote about it on here before). I remember crying to my friend in the UK about how I was tired of the up and down and how I felt like it was just hopeless for me at this point. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t leave my house, couldn’t make myself eat. Even a small task like combing my hair, brushing my teeth, or putting on proper clothes felt like a chore that I couldn’t do. It was the worst I had ever been.

Once again my academic performance started to suffer again. The only thing that really saved me was the fact that I was pretty much done in the classroom at this point.  I was mostly working on my internship with the exception of one elective class . That’s the only reason my GPA didn’t take a huge hit but my internship was threatened every week. I worked for an amazing organization in LA county that was dedicated to serving the health needs of the incarcerated population. My preceptor was so flexible and amazing that when I told him I had issues with anxiety that were preventing me from coming to the office he helped me arrange working from home. He did all he could to help me finish even when I missed deadlines, appointments, etc because I couldn’t leave my house. More than once he had to be firm and tell my that If I didn’t do better I wouldn’t be able to continue but he always managed to find some grace to extend to me. His final act of grace was granting me an extension on my internship year. 

Basically what happened was by the time the beginning of May 2015 rolled around I did not have the hours to complete my internship. This was okay from a school perspective because it meant that I could still walk, but from an internship perspective I was very behind, well behind my initial contract and they didn’t have to extend it to allow me to finish. My preceptor sat me down and wrote out a plan that would require me to put in very strict hours until October of that year and if I finished by that deadline then they would sign my paperwork that would allow my degree to officially be conferred by the university. I was so grateful for the grace that I cried in his office.

I walked for graduation in the May 2015 ceremony got the summer off, then returned to california to complete my internship and my capstone. 

this was me on graduation day, 3 months after a major mental breakdown

Nothing but the grace of God got me through those months after my breakdown and the next few months. I mustered up every piece of energy and courage I could find and finished my Internship by my deadline in October and my preceptor signed off. My final project was designing an in custody Hepatitis eduction program to add on to their existing HIV education program, something that I am extremely proud of doing since LA county has one of the largest prison populations in the entire world and the vast majority of those incarcerated are black people. 

Immediately after my internship was done I went through a very trying family issue that once again sent me into a spiral. I had initially planned on staying in LA to work in public health until I decided to apply to medical school but after talking to my family I ended up deciding that moving back home near my family would be the better option so I left a city I loved and returned to my parents house. While home I decided that I was tired of not getting help for my mental health issues so I made the decision of finally get into therapy. I made the decision because I knew I could never be a doctor unless I got help. I also made the decision because I was tired of being held back in life because of it, because I was tired of having every good moment tainted my illness, because I knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was living. 

The beginning of 2016 was so hard because therapy, though helpful, opened up so many old wounds. I was often drained after my session (I would walk around whole foods for an hour buying random stuff after each session just to get some of the weight off my shoulders before returning home) but the experience was so freeing that I kept going and I could see the improvement. I learned so much about myself and why certain things have repeated itself at every stage of my life. I learned so many valuable skills and unlearned so many harmful thought processes and behaviors.For the first time since I was a child I finally felt like a free person, not like a walking pit of achievements and expectations, not like a sick person, not like a person just going thru the motions. This helped me finally decide that I was ready to purse medicine again.

My initial plan was to apply to medical school while I was in my graduate program so that I could stark right after graduation but I was so paralyzed with depression and anxiety I would stare at my MCAT book and just cry for hours because I didn’t feel good enough, I didn’t feel smart enough, I didn’t feel worthy enough, and I didn’t feel strong enough to even take that exam let alone actually be a real doctor. So I put it off. I remember being in my therapist office crying because I wanted to be a doctor so badly but It felt out of reach with my grades and history. The day I finally found the courage to schedule my MCAT exam I actually cried as I pressed the process button. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office crying as she smiled and encouraged my for having the bravery to face something that brings me so much anxiety and for having the courage to keep going forward despite the uncertainty. 

If this was a Disney movie I would have scored super high on my MCAT and then been accepted into my first choice school but life isn’t a Disney movie. 

I was scored barely high enough to be competitive but not high enough to offset my academic history so I was rejected in my first round of medical school applications. Prior to therapy I would have completely crumbled and given up, but because I was so much better at that point, so much stronger and braver I cried my initial tears and sat down to restudy for the MCAT again two days later. I was determined to do better, to cope better, and manage my life better. I started yoga, kept going to therapy, and spent time with myself and my friends and family and really finally healed and grew as a person

During this time I prepared my second round of applications for medical school, I applied to over 16 schools with the full knowledge that my application wasn’t as competitive as it needed to be but knowing I had what it took to be a good doctor and somehow it would work out for me. I retook the MCAT and got literally the exact same score as before lol I took that as a sign that I didn’t need to put my faith in an arbitrary measure of intelligence that actually had no bearing on whether or not I would actually make a good doctor or do well on the boards (research backs this up) and instead that needed to put my faith in myself and In God. 

During my previous round of applications I heard about IMG medical schools and I started an application for one school but never finished it because I remembered the stereotypes about IMG students and how they weren’t respected in the states or didn’t make it. During my second round of applications I ended up talking to an associate that was at a small Caribbean school. She told me about her experience and really made me open minded about pursing this alternative path. After doing lots of research I learned that the school I almost applied to at first is one of the most respected IMG schools out there and has given thousands of students the chance to be physicians. 

I decided to apply just before my US medical school rejection letters started coming it. There were a few times that I started to feel like I would never get in or if I did I would be making a huge mistake by going. shortly after sending my application I started a job in a hospital emergency department and while there I learned that 2 of our main ED doctors were actually IMG graduates. I also learned that the hospital had two residents from the school I applied to. This was so encouraging to me because it showed my that I wasn’t wrong. IMG grads can make it, and they aren’t any different from any other grad. They have MD behind their names and perform their jobs just as well as anyone else. The IMG docs were getting the same respect and salary as the Stanford grad on staff. None of that truly mattered, what mattered was can you do your job and do it well. 

What a lot of people don’t tell you about IMG schools is that yes a lot of people attend because they have a rocky academic history, but many attend because they were excellent students but US schools just didn’t have the space for them (google how much of a physical shortage US hospitals have because US schools can’t meet the demand with their low acceptance rates). Many attend because they decided to be doctors later in life and had huge gaps between degrees that US schools found unattractive. Many of them are good enough to be excellent doctors, they just needed the opportunity to do so, I was one of those students. 

After getting rejected by all 16 schools I applied to I ended getting into my current medical program BUT it once again it wasn’t a complete acceptance. I was granted conditional acceptance into the school of medicine, the condition being I had to pass a strenuous hard sciences program with a 3.5 GPA (well above the GPA requirement actual first year medical students need to pass into the next term) AND I had to pass a comprehensive exam at the end of the program with at least a 75. This brought on so much anxiety because if I failed to meet this high standard I would not be allowed to continue and my medical journey would truly be over. Most of the students who get placed in this program don’t pass because it’s that hard. I had 6 different classes, the most credit hours I have ever taken at one time in my life, each with their own exams and class requirements. This was truly the test that would show how much I had grown because this was the most pressure I had ever faced. I was walking into a program thousands of miles away from my family and friends on a secluded island and being placed into a situation that could trigger every single one of my issues. Instead of quitting before I even started I decided I was going to do it, I was going to mass no matter what, I wasn’t gonna let anything stand in my way. I felt like this was what all my suffering had prepared me for, this was what all the delays was for. It was to get to a place where I felt strong enough to give this my all and perform as well as I knew I could. 

My time in the first program was hard. I missed my family, I never felt like I could take breaks, I cried so many times because there was so much doubt and pressure at times. I cried before my first round of exams in the program thinking I would do terribly and I ended up getting As on every exam except one. This helped my confidence tremendously and I finally started to believe deep down inside that I could do this. By the time my program had ended I had lost friends because grades made them withdraw or because of petty reasons and I had a relapse with anxiety that sent me to the department of psychological services once a week for 2 months. But through it all I made it though a program where 150 people started, only 90 made it to finals, and only 50 of those 90 passed (many on appeals) with All As and 1 B and an A on the comprehensive exam. 

I did that, I worked my ass off in a foreign place and I performed at a level that I didn’t think I was even capable of for a long time. I passed with flying colors, I passed with no doubt that I was capable, that I was strong enough to endure this process, that I could achieve every dream that felt our of reach for so long. 

This is the face of a person who worked so hard for so long, who battled so much and finally got to wear the coat that she felt so unworthy of for a long time. This is the face of someone who earned her place at the table that no one can ever take from her. 

and this is the face of the girl who based on undergraduate grades and probably every statistic out there shouldn’t have gotten into medical school but who just finished her first official term as a medical student with an A average and  in the top 10% of her class. This is the face of a person who is as happy as she’s ever been and as whole as she’s ever been. 

#answered #about me #black girl white coat #black women in medicine #IMG med #Anonymous

[h-styles-babes]

Can you do 91 on the prompts

Since I’m having a difficult time coming up with material for my multi-chaptered fics, here’s a little blurb that was requested. Hopefully, filling a few of these requests will help get me out of my writer’s block and my overall funk in general.

Thanks for the request, lovie, and I hope you enjoy. Let me know what you all think! My asks are always open xx

91. “Tell me you need me.”

Harry and Y/N were the best of mates. They really were. Before the whole One Direction thing happened, and then the whole film role and solo career happened, there was Y/N and Harry. They’d known each other since primary, and while they’d been good enough friends then, it wasn’t until secondary that they got really close. They would spend most of their free time at each other’s houses, so much so that they pretty much lived with each other. They couldn’t remember a day when they hadn’t been together, except for when one family went on holiday or some such thing.

As they got older and Harry became the world famous musician that he was now, they still retained their friendship. Y/N had even made a move out to London when she’d graduated uni to pursue a career opportunity that just so happened to put her in nearly the same neighbourhood as her best friend. Harry had been over the moon when Y/N had told him that they were going to be in the same city again and they wouldn’t have to relegate their visits to holidays and the odd birthday. He’d been there to help her move in and get settled, and he’d even spent the night the day before her first day at her new job so he could be there in the morning to see her off. When Harry had to be out of town for extended periods of time, Y/N was sure to check in on his house for him, make sure all his mail was gathered and his plants got watered and whatnot. They had a solid, steady friendship that they both cherished.

In all their years together, though, it couldn’t be said that things never got…strange between them. When they were younger, Y/N’s older brother was part of the crowd that regularly had their hands on weed, unbeknownst to their parents. Because of this, and despite her brother’s insistence that he didn’t want his little sister (she was only two years younger) getting into a habit, Harry and Y/N often spent their weekends getting high in Harry’s back garden where they were sufficiently hidden from any onlookers or passerby, including Harry’s family.

While they both were mellow when they smoked, sometimes their teenage hormones got the best of them, and since their inhibitions were lowered in such a state, they acted on those feelings. The first time they’d had sex together was the first time either of them had had sex at all. They were fifteen and Harry laid Y/N out on the blanket they always brought along to protect them from the grass and undressed her and they’d had it out. It obviously wasn’t the most spectacular thing in the world for Y/N, being Harry was just as clumsy and a bit clueless as she was, but it was definitely not something she regretted.

From then on, it was just sort of an unspoken agreement that their sex life would in no way affect their friendship. And it never did. Sure, it got a bit awkward for them when they would catch the other flirting with someone they fancied or when they had to call it off completely when they had a significant other, but other than that, it was as if nothing happened. No one was the wiser, either. Not their parents, not their friends, and not their siblings. Everyone knew them as just Y/N and Harry: absolute best mates.

As it were currently, Harry and Y/N hadn’t slept together in nearly three years. First, Y/N got a boyfriend, and that relationship lasted two years. Harry wasn’t exactly floundering for sexual company, but it was quite annoying to him that he couldn’t have sex with the best. Sex between the two was the best sex either of them ever had, and it was hard to ignore that when they got into relationships where it as just lackluster.

After Y/N finally got out of that relationship when she found out the wanker was cheating on her (good riddance), Harry had actually found himself a bird. A very fit bird, if Y/N was being completely honest. She was a blonde model (shocking) and she was exactly Harry’s type. While Y/N thought it was strange that Harry got himself into a relationship as he was embarking on a world tour, she brushed it off since he seemed pretty happy. To each their own, she supposed.

However, pretty much as soon as he returned from tour, that arrangement came to its end, and Harry and Y/N were both free agents once again. However, the topic of going back to their previous arrangement never came up. It had been years since they’d fallen into their ways together, and neither party was sure if striking up that arrangement was appropriate.

The first week that Harry was back, though, he showed up at Y/N’s door, bearing some gifts from his travels. Most of it was normal things like chocolates and snacks that weren’t sold in the UK and a particular scent of candle that was only available in France. What was also part of his gift package, though, was a few joints from this cannabis company he’d decided to promote and invest in in America. Y/N noticed them in this fancy little metal tin that people used to regularly keep their cigarettes in back in the day, with the company’s logo printed across it.

She made no comment on it as she welcomed Harry in, though.

“So good to have yeh back in the UK,” she muttered into his chest as he cuddled her into his arms in her entryway. He smelled like he always did of his fancy Tom Ford cologne and mint that was on his breath from his persistent gum chewing.

“It’s good to be back,” he returned. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and scooted her over to her couch while she was still in his arms. “I obviously have gifts, but I wanna get high first.”

And that’s how they ended up on her couch, slouched next to each other, handing a joint back and forth as they let the warm, relaxed feeling run over them from their deep inhales. It’d been awhile since Y/N had gotten high, on account of Harry being away for months at a time. He was the only person she ever got high with because she felt comfortable and safe with him. She relished the feeling that veiled her senses, making all her previous worries seem less important and the moment they were living in was the most pressing matter of her life. It was wonderful.

“How’ve yeh been since I’ve been in America?” Harry asked on on exhale, handing the burning bud to her. He had a feeling they’d have to go through another one in order to feel any sort of considerable high that night. He didn’t have a problem with that.

“Good, just workin’ and all that,” she told him. She took a long drag and held it in her lungs for a few moments.

“Yeah? Any men I need to know about? Haven’t had a boyfriend in awhile.”

Y/N shrugged with her exhale. “There hasn’t been anyone. Haven’t even been on a date in a few months.”

Harry shook his head as he reached for another one of the blunts he’d brought. It took a few tries to get the lighter to hold a flame, but once it did, he quickly lit the end. “Shame. Deserve to be taken out and treated like a princess.”

Y/N scoffed. “Tell that to all the guys who shout at me in the streets that they like my arse. Don’t think they’re lookin’ to treat me like royalty.”

“Don’t need one of them,” Harry denied, passing it back to her. “Need a proper gentleman. Someone who will treat yeh right and worship the ground yeh walk on.”

“The problem with that is that the men that wanna treat me like a princess is that they won’t fuck me properly when it comes time for that. Wanna be treated like a princess and fucked like a slut. Is that so hard to understand?”

Y/N was properly feeling it now. There was a certain fuzziness that clouded her being and she was honestly loving it. This was what she had been missing. She loved this ease and sense of comfort that came with being intoxicated with Harry. She was also at the point where her filter was absolutely nonexistent. It was usually minimal around Harry anyway because they knew each other so well, but it was even more transparent now.

“Haven’t been fucked properly lately?” Harry asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Haven’t been fucked at all in literal months.” There’d been a one night stand back in February when she’d gotten a little tipsy at a bar with her mate, and this one guy looked particularly good. What seemed like a good idea at half one in the morning was definitely not a good idea when she woke up later. Not only had the sex been subpar at best, the man hadn’t turned out to be that good looking in her sobriety. Bad decision altogether that she’d rather just forget.

“Shame. Neither have I,” Harry admitted.

“Yeh were with that girl, though,” Y/N argued.

“Didn’t see her for months before we broke up,” Harry told her. He shrugged. “Not a big deal, but I’ve been in a mood lately.”

“Yeh’re not exactly hurtin’ for company,” Y/N reminded him.  

“Doesn’t mean I’ve been sleepin’ with anyone.”

“If you’re not gonna use you’re fame to sleep with anyone yeh want, what’s even the point?” Y/N joked, blowing a little bit of smoke in his face.

“I only wanna sleep with one person, and she hasn’t been available to me until recently.”

The tone of Harry’s voice was very suggestive, and Y/N knew where he was going immediately. He didn’t break eye contact with her as he took a hit off the blunt which they’d already worked their way through. He stubbed it out on a bowl Y/N kept on her coffee table, holding his breath. When he turned back to face her, he beckoned her closer with a flick of his fingers. She scooted closer to him on the couch, their thighs touching. The haziness in her head turned into a pleasant buzzing in anticipation of what was to come.

Harry didn’t think she was close enough, so he hauled her into his lap, her thighs straddling his waist. He gently gripped the back of her neck with his hand and pulled her face to his. Y/N caught on to what it was he wanted and pressed her lips to his, allowing him to guide them open. She breathed in as he blew the held smoke into her mouth. He didn’t remove his mouth from hers as she released the smoke through her nose.

Instead, he began to properly kiss her, the grip on the back of her neck trailing up into her hair to grip lightly. Y/N whimpered into his mouth at the increased pressure. It’d been quite a while since she’d been handled like she wanted to be, and she knew Harry was going to give it to her properly. She could already feel herself getting wet.

Y/N trailed her hands up under his shirt, smoothing her palms against the warm skin of his stomach and chest. Her thumbs brushed over his nipples, and she felt his muscles contract with the stimulation. She’d missed feeling his skin against hers, and Harry must have been thinking the same thing, because he broke their kiss to haul his shirt over his head. Y/N took the opportunity to run her hands over his shoulders and up into his hair before pressing their lips back together.

Without prompting, her hips started to rock into his, her body seeking some sort of stimulation. Harry groaned as she pressed herself into his growing erection, and his grip on her hips tightened, spurring her on further.

“Bedroom,” she whispered into his mouth. Harry didn’t need to be told twice, so he pushed the both of them up from the couch, Y/N still in his arms, and he blindly made his way to her bedroom. He’d been there enough times to be able to make the trek blindfolded, but Y/N was making it more difficult by distracting him with her hands tugging at his hair, her teeth nipping at the skin of his jaw, and her breasts pressed up against his chest.

Eventually, they made it to the bedroom, and Harry set her on the bed, crawling on his knees between her legs. He drew his hands up under the vest she was wearing and lifted it from her body. She hadn’t been wearing a bra, and he took a moment to admire seeing her topless for the first time in three years. He loved her body, and it was a shame that he’d gone so long without being able to see it this intimately. He quickly went about rectifying that, laving his tongue first over her collarbones and then down to her breasts, taking her perked nipples between his teeth.

Y/N hissed at the bite, but sighed as he soothed the nips with his tongue. Her hands found their way to his hair, gently tugging at the roots and causing him to groan. He looked up at her through his lashes as he trailed his mouth down to the waistband of her shorts, licking along the skin he knew was sensitive. He smirked when her muscles recoiled at the sensation, and Y/N gave a quick warning tug to his hair that she still had her fingers wound around.

“Shut it,” she warned. “’s been a while.”

“Jus’ like workin’ yeh up, love,” Harry told her, biting lightly at the jut of her hip.

“I’m plenty worked up, Styles. Never takes much with you.” The tone of her voice took on a shy quality that had Harry trailing back up her body so they were face to face. He supported himself with his forearms at either side of her head, the fringe at his forehead nearly brushing her own.

Harry pet her hair back from her face, and Y/n could sense the shift in energy as his eyes wandered over her features leisurely, like he was perusing with no real sense of urgency. There was a look on his face that she’d seen a million times before, but she’d never been able to identify or put a name to. It usually took over his features in quiet moments between them and sometimes when they were being intimate, though sometimes their carnal needs were of more importance than the closeness they shared at those moments.

Y/N felt the air leave her lungs as he leaned forward just enough to graze his lips against hers in the softest kiss that lingered deliciously against her charged skin. He made the pass a few times before whispering, “Tell me you need me.”

There wasn’t even a split second delay before she was whispering back, “I need you, Harry. Need yeh like I need air.”

His eyes flashed to hers, some sort of chaos residing in his, before he pressed himself to her in a searing kiss that was no less meaningful than the ones they’d been sharing just the moment before.

They worked together to remove the remainder of their clothing, and when Harry finally slipped himself inside of her, she swore it had never been better. This coupling was like nothing they’d ever shared before. They’d been cautious and caring their first time together, and the times subsequent to that had been full exploration and a love that was shared between best friends. They’d had their fair share of hungry, passionate nights filled with talk so filthy, they’d both blush if they heard it from anyone else, leaving scratches and bruises over each others’ bodies for days to come. They’d shared the playful romp, having to take breaks because they were both giggling to much to get the job done, but getting there in the end.

This was something entirely different, though.

Harry had never held her so close, never touched her body with such reverence or looked into her eyes with such awe. She had never pet over the features of his face as if to remember every hill and valley, and she’d never begged him with her eyes for something that wasn’t physical. She’d never heard the sorts of words uttered from his lips, words of tenderness and worship. Despite the calm incited by their earlier imbibing, neither of them had ever felt so alive and electrified.

This was different. But different didn’t always mean better.

When Y/N woke up the next morning, she was naked and alone in her bed. There was no sound of Harry in the flat, and when she opened her phone, she had one lone message from the person she was expecting to wake up to.

Had to pop out. Talk when I can.

Y/N had gotten those messages before. There’d be no word from him for months.

#Harry Styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles oneshot #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfic #harry styles angst #harry styles blurb #harry styles imagine #harry styles red #harry styles smut #harry styles writing #Smutty smut smut

[subjectragnar]

Meeting Quin

► Name ➔   “Quin, or Q, or if you’re my Madly, Mousey.

► Are you single ➔ “I have found the chaos to my order.”

► Are you happy ➔  “Delightfully.”

► Are you angry? ➔  “Anger is a proper motivator in my life. So, while I am happy, I am also angry with something, somewhere.”

► Are your parents still married ➔   “My biological mother died giving birth to me. My biological father is remarried. My adopted father was never married to my adopted mother.”

NINE FACTS

► Birth Place ➔ “From what my half brother is able to tell me. I was born in the Cunningham Home during a ritual that went... poorly.”

► Hair Color ➔ “Black, but I feel I will be seeing grays soon.”

► Eye Color ➔ “Also black... I am not very interesting with my coloring.”

► Birthday ➔ “I found out recently that my birthday was July 14th, but I was adopted by Anthion on February 10th, These days I am celebrating both days.”

► Mood ➔ “Amused. This are.... very interesting right now.”

► Gender ➔ “I am quite Male.”

► Summer or winter ➔ “I love cold winters, ones where I can build the fire high in the hearth and pull Madly under the thick covers with me.”

► Morning or afternoon ➔ "I’ve been a morning person all of my life. No point in changing it now.”

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔ “Madly for my Madly.”

► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “No. I do believe in a slow dance people get as they slowly come together and become one though.”

► Who ended your last relationship ➔ “I did. I told her we weren’t made for each other... and now, I actually believe that. Back then I was trying to save her from being a casualty with the war against my father. Now.. I know I have found the one who makes me, me.”

► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔  "Yes. Many times. Before recent days I’ve been known to sleep with someone and easily walk away. That does break hearts.”

► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ “I was, for a short period of time as I was unsure if I’d find someone who could, fit me well. But when you find someone who does, it’s not commitment, it’s just second nature happens... For my Madly, dear, No. I will never be afraid of commitment with you.”

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ “Hugs are a normal touch, like a handshake between Madly and myself.”

► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ “Once, he was a budding mage and when I touched him the first time he became frightened and that ended the little love letters i had gotten.”

► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ “Thankfully no.”

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔ “I will take love now. Lust was just a filler for my heart.”

► Cats or Dogs ➔ “I’m fond of both, but dogs are good attack animals if trained well. They can go from being the best nanny for children to a fearless defender of the home. If...” He stops suddenly aware of how likely he could have children on day. “If I have children I will get them a nanny dog for extra security.”

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ "Close friends, always. The rest are liabilities.”

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ "I am a romantic by nature, I will always choose a ‘romantic night in’ though that will have a different meaning to me than the general masses...” ((Murder and sex, that’s his kind of night in))

► Day or night ➔ "Night. That stillness is soothing after a long day of work.”

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔ “No, I wasn’t caught. I happened to be a very quiet child and would always go missing. But they wouldn’t find me until I let them.”

► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔ “No, I haven’t... That, actually surprises me.”

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ “Yes. More than you can imagine.”

► Wanted to disappear ➔ “I have disappeared from many of those who once knew me. Anthion still believes me dead. Which I will be thankful for.”

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔ “Mm, Eyes, I want someone looking me in the eye when they confess things to me. It’s how I can tell if they’re truthful or not. It’s why I plan on never blindfolding my Madly... she has the greatest expressions in her eyes.”

► Shorter or Taller ➔ “I don’t have a preference. But I am loving the fact I don’t have to look down at my mate.”

► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ “A wise philosopher once said ‘A beautiful woman with out a mind leaves her lover with no recourse after he has sampled her charms.’ This can go for both sexes.”

► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ “I have done both. But my current relationship is one I savor gratefully.”

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔ “No. And yes. I did blow up my father’s home. My adopted mother is closer to me now... I know where my biological father is. But I don’t know if I should approach him or not. I have been growing a relationship with my half brother.”

► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ “I feel I have done well with he life that has been given to me. It’s not the best, but I could be in far worse places. The blessings that i have been given since my freedom is now the building blocks in which I want to make my life better.”

► Have you ever ran away from home ➔ "Is it running away if you leave to go on an quest but never returned?”

► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ “Yes. My biological father threw out his infant son. I don't remember it, but I know it happened.”

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ “I don’t hate people I call friend. Though. I rarely call people friends. If I do so, know I do not hate you. If I call you anything else, it is a questionable line that you can think on.”

► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ “Considering I keep maybe, three friends, one of them my mate. I don’t think I have room for not good friends.”

► Who is your best friend ➔ “My Madly, because your mate should always be your best friend.”

► Who knows everything about you ➔ “I am trying to catch the one I wish to spend my life with about everything. But that will take a life time to do that. A worthy mission if I must say.”

Tagged by: @alas-ward

Tagging: Go forth and try this out!

[findmyhouse]

An interview with Dani Lee Pearce

In 1992, when Frank Zappa was described by Nicolas Slonimsky as “the pioneer of the future millennium of music” because of his ground-breaking work with the Synclavier, one of the world's earliest digital audio workstations, Zappa immediately disavowed that title, convinced as he was that this technology would never catch on and would eventually go lost. Today, 25 years later, this way of composing and producing music is utilized by countless talented artists across the world, armed with nothing but a computer. One of the most exciting underground musicians who uses the technology that Zappa once helped popularize is Dani Lee Pearce. Since she started releasing music under her current name in January 2015, she has completed six albums covering a wide variety of genres, and is currently working on a seventh album. Her original album trilogy, consisting of the instrumental albums Dani Lee Pearce, Dépayse and Kelvin, was released in the first half of 2015 and combined elements of chiptune, progressive rock and experimental music. From then on, she has released a number of vocal albums that draw more inspiration from pop and folk music, starting with Notes Of A Nervous Little Pixie in March 2016 and following it up with Petrichor, which was released exactly one year ago today. Her most recent album, Dandilionheart, was originally released in February of this year and was later remastered and re-released in July. As a fan of her work, I was honored to have a chance to speak with Dani about her oeuvre and her plans for the future. 

Let's start with a somewhat clichéd question: Which musical artists do you feel your latest three albums have been most influenced by? It's quite difficult to narrow it down to just individual artists in a lot of respects. Music itself, in all the nuances and idioms it contains, tends to influence my work in at least one way or another. A lot of times I suggest or hint towards things that people probably wouldn't expect. Individual artists are there in some places, but I actually find it a lot more fun to have people try to guess what my music could be influenced from. Whatever gets guessed for a particular song is usually correct.

Can I make a guess? Go ahead.

The continuous driving rhythm, slightly droney nature and stream-of-consciousness style vocals on the track "Dandilionheart" (or at least the first part of it) reminded me of Talking Heads. Am I far off? Nope. Pretty much if you say "this reminds me of this" I will go "Yes" every time. I listen to music all the time of all genres and all of it gets worked into my psyche and inevitably comes out into the music somehow when I'm writing it. I may subconsciously be working in things I don't intend at any given time during the process.

From 2016’s Notes Of A Nervous Little Pixie onward, all of your albums have contained vocals. Is making vocal music something you had wanted to do ever since you started releasing music under the Dani Lee Pearce moniker, or did this desire come later? Earlier than that, like, 2013 at least, back when I made music under the name Kansas City 7up. My earliest recorded attempt was a song I never finished called "The Midnight Seer" from 2014, but ultimately shyness and a lack of the right equipment prevented this from happening sooner. After Kelvin I made a solid pledge to myself that my next album would have me singing because it would add an important and essential element to my music, and any new music I made would be saved until I could get that to happen. That's part of why the gap of time between Kelvin and Nervous Little Pixie was as long as it was.

Which do you usually write first: a composition or lyrics? That depends on what I think of first, although generally these days the words come first, in a rough form, since I will usually come up with things I want to say but not yet in any particular order how I want to say them. The music then helps me to establish a metric and pattern for how I will fit my vocals into the song in a way that works, which will in turn help me to revise the song and add things to it to make it gel. I try to work on each element independently because I like the challenge of creating music that surprises me in regards to the words I'm writing it for. Some of the things I've been working on recently are like that. It very much helps to keep my music fresh and unique to me. By contrast, all of my current albums were mostly music first, words second. Some songs took years to write proper words to, like "Tell Me I'm Cute Again Cause I Forgot", which previously existed with 3 different sets of lyrics before I finally settled on the current set. It's a more difficult way of working now but I will occasionally still try making a song that way for fun, since it enables some great creativity.

I'd like to talk about your album Petrichor, which is approaching its first birthday at the time of this interview: When you created the album, did you set out to make a concept album from the start, or was it an idea that came into play while you were working on it? The album came in many embryonic forms when I was first developing it. At first it was going to be an album called The Many Lives of Maypole, and it was going to document the life of a young girl with queer parents and her friendship with a child who later comes out as trans who has much more angry conservative parents. I was going to write a book in addition to an album of music to go along with it, and while only one song ever came out of this incarnation, the idea of an album + accompanying book stayed, and I later wrote "🌙🌙🌙", which I haven't gotten to publishing yet, to go along with Petrichor, containing poetry that elaborated upon the concepts of that album.

After Maypole it was then called The Giving Of Violets, an album which would have been about a capitalism-induced apocalypse that forces society to start over on a much better path, this time fully embracing LGBT rights among other things, as people are now more free to explore their identities gender and sex wise. The title is derived from a lesbian custom in the 50s where women would give each other violets to declare their love for one another, which in the story would be readopted as a gesture of affection. A good chunk of what would eventually be the finished album was written during this time, with early versions of "From Young Unknowing Eyes" "I Hope It Doesn't Rain" "Silver Tree’s Mixtress", "Twig Parade" and "Lute-Bird Calls" being put down in a test sequence, along with "Down In Evergreene", which was already done, and what eventually became "Give You My Earth" on Dandilionheart.

Some time later I had an anxiety-induced epiphany and spent a period of time very withdrawn in a quiet space only listening to quiet music, and I thought of an idea for an album of "whispersongs", very quiet music with whispered spoken word of very simple poems accompanying it. The project would have been called Rest Easy Love, and that's where I came up with "This Tree". This was the beginning of me writing poetry for a period of time, which eventually led to the writing of "Over My Wall" and "The Hill of Mist" as well. The Giving of Violets was dropped since I felt I could make the concept stronger, and later an album called The Scarlet Sky With Anais was developed but never fully finished. The song that eventually became "Monsters and Rainclouds" was listed as the final song of an album that also contained songs that would later become "Periwinkle Death", "Tell Me I'm Cute Again Cause I Forgot" and "Burning Pearls". "Down in Evergreene" was listed again also.

The actual concept began to develop around this time when I met three very important people: The first was a musician named Izzy Unger Weiss who met me for the first time at a birthday picnic, and the first thing we ever did together was sit down and play guitar. They introduced me to more worldly sensibilities both in their music and aesthetic, which began in me a more forthright interest in what I like to call "personal occult", which is essentially like a redefining of monsters, demons, spirituality, magic, the construction of the universe, etc. all on one's own terms, either casually or otherwise. Izzy did that to an extent, at least I could sense it, I'm not entirely sure if she would say the same but that's largely what my brain tends to produce for answers regarding it. Izzy was also overall a big musical influence at the time and made me more interested in learning guitar and writing guitar-based music. I'd later design a couple of album covers for her own music and eventually we may even collaborate on something.

The second person I met was Never Angel North, an agender independent author who was and still is writing an anthology of fiction collectively titled Sea-Witch. At that time the first volume was written but not yet released. Never's writing is unlike anything that's really been written in regards to fiction or poetry, especially in a queer/trans context, as it constructs an entire world inside of a living, breathing, feeling sea monster and the inhabitants who worship a meteor to whom they pray "may she lay us waste". The writing is at once emotional, intimate, sexual, terrifying, harrowing, ecstatic, decadent and mordant, but in all respects is absolutely brilliant and it completely redefines ones view of the world, of life, of gender, of quite possibly everything. It was being introduced to Never's writing and Never hirself that I became more open to the idea of constructing a world of my own in a similar fashion.

The third person, Jade Eklund, I met through Never, and she showed me through her own art how I could make this possible. Here was someone who practically lived and breathed their art which largely revolved around spiders and a recurring central character known as the Spider Queen. You'd enter her room and the walls would be covered in drawings ranging from spiders to seeing eyes to otherworldly presences, and she had filled out several notebooks of things that she had written stream-of-consciousness, and continued to build upon her mythology by doing the same on Facebook. We traded notebooks the first couple times we saw each other to get to know each other a bit, and she would draw/write surreal things in my notebook that inevitably influenced Petrichor's content, specifically the character of YESSAND the Masquerader King. I began writing poetry and concepts stream-of-consciousness in my own right, making up my own mythology taking inspiration from all three of these people and making frequent references to them in the process as I did so. This carried over into the eventual songwriting of Petrichor, and the creation and completion of the remaining songs.

"Monsters and Rainclouds" was at one point a song written specifically for Never, referencing a lot of elements of hir writing, and snippets of things Jade wrote in my notebook, which contained unfinished lyrics for Petrichor's songs, found their way into "Masqueraders" and the background voices of "Lute-Bird Calls".

Well damn, I was planning to ask some more follow-up questions about the story, the role of Jade Eklund (whom you credited in the album's description on Bandcamp) and even the voice samples on "Lute-Bird Calls", but you've already answered everything I could ask about the album. I'll be sure to look into the works of the other artists you mentioned just now.

I’d like to talk about your latest album now: Dandilionheart. In contrast to Petrichor, which is an epic, prog-like concept album, Dandilionheart is a collection of avant-garde pop songs that seem to be only loosely connected thematically, much like Notes Of A Nervous Little Pixie. Was it a relief to be able to write self-contained songs again or is it actually easier for you to write music when you have an overarching concept to work within? Concepts are actually quite difficult because you become restrained within one world of thought, and if you want to make it work you can't stray too far from it. Petrichor is a satisfying work but it was stressful to have to write about one thing for 8 months. Some of Dandilionheart's songs I actually began writing in tandem with that album, just to give me another outlet for other ideas at the time. So I would say that yes, I actually have more fun with individual songs than anything else, and I will probably continue writing in that context. I'm someone whose mind always wanders to different places at different times, so it's important for me to have a variety of ideas going because it feels more free to me. In that respect Dandilionheart was quite nice to make.

There’s another difference I’ve noticed between the two albums: On Petrichor, the vocals are quiet and dreamlike throughout, whereas on Dandilionheart they have a more prominent and more powerful presence. Is this the result of a conscious decision or simply a natural consequence of you becoming more confident about using your voice and getting more familiar with the recording process, et cetera? I was very confident with my voice when it came around to Dandilionheart and in a lot of places I get really into the song and just let loose, try things with it that I hadn't tried before. "Let Me Remind You" is currently home to the highest note I've ever sung for example. In some ways it is conscious as well because I always try to make albums independent from each other, like making films without visuals. I largely let the music decide what my voice will do though, and the music was definitely a departure. The fact that I actually sing loud is another indicator, I had never really done that before this album.

Let’s go back once more to the 13-minute title track of Dandilionheart. As you can probably tell I'm intrigued by the process by which specific music gets developed, and if I’m correct, “Dandilionheart” (the song) is the longest track out of your latest musical trilogy. Did you set out to create a track of such length before writing it, or did it naturally evolve into what it ended up being? The project file name for the song is "something maybe", which indicates that when I started this I didn't even know if it was going to turn into anything substantial. I was largely at the time playing around with the sample from what became the end of "Galaxy Owl" just to see for fun if I could take it anywhere and the more I developed the piece the more it kind of took on a life of its own. Specifically the section right before the lyrics was when I got the first inkling that the song would become what it ended up becoming. I realized three minutes in that it sounded thematically linked to a composition I had written in 2013, so I ended up stringing that (the "let all the rain come down" section) together along with another composition I had written in Sept. 2016 (the "goddexx bless" section) on the basis that they all shared a similar drive and tempo. When I got them all together and listened to it back I was dumbfounded at how perfect all the pieces sounded together, and then I had my song. I knew it was special and I knew I had to make it the title track from then on, and the lyrics were later written to fit the best I could with the sound.

Do most of your songs come into existence through something along the lines of what you just described? Sometimes, yes. "Masqueraders" happened the same way only with one additional section. I don't think I've quite written anything else in exactly this way, but I do still find uses for old unused compositions I have lying around.

What is the biggest challenge you encounter when composing music? I don't really face any incredibly big challenges in the composing bit itself except for sometimes finding uses for a composition, because sometimes I will write something but not have any particular idea what to do with it yet. I think my biggest challenges actually come in producing/mixing a track properly, which I am always very persnickety about.

I think also, at least today, it's trying to figure out how I want to do a song that I have lyrics written for. The number of approaches I could take is very broad and it's hard to find a direction that I think fits my words the best. I'm dealing with that situation presently for one song.

I think you've told me in 2015 that your first three albums were made primarily using FL Studio. Do you still use this or have you switched to a different workstation in the mean time? Dani Lee Pearce was actually also partially made with Ableton Pro when I was in college ("You For You Four Ich", "Every Clock Is 3 Minutes Behind"), and with a Casio Keyboard ("Animated Tattoo"). Otherwise yes, FL Studio is still my weapon of choice. At this point I visualize my songs as project files within that DAW and can make an instrumental up in under an hour at times. I don't anticipate that I'll change from it at any time soon since I'm so familiar with it and can work with it so efficiently.

Like you said, in your original album trilogy from 2015, there were a few tracks that were played on a keyboard, and “Moth Girl” was originally recorded on acoustic guitar but was later rerecorded using a DAW when you reissued your latest album. Do you still use any physical instruments in your recordings, and/or do you plan on using physical instruments in the future? Of my yet-to-be-released work I have one song that does in fact have me playing guitar, and another song in which I have had someone record guitar for me. One of my girlfriends is also going to be contributing guitar to my music eventually, and at some point I plan to record myself playing clarinet for some songs, as that is the one instrument I have proficiency at.

Is there anything else you’re willing to disclose about what we can expect from you in the future? More surprises. And more ways to convey them.

I can’t wait.

I’m nearing the end of my question list now. Can you recommend to anyone who reads this interview two artists who deserve far more attention than they’re getting right now? Rumor Milk is a very good musician friend of mine from Canada who gets very little attention for her work but she has a voice that has made me well up in tears multiple times. She is very talented and it would mean the world to her if more folks would check out and support her music. Chase Milo Reid is one of the first trans musicians I ever met when I came to Portland homeless and I've watched him perform live and develop as a talent in amazing ways. He's another who I think is worth people's attention and he would also very much appreciate additional support.

Finally, if you’ll allow me to ask one more clichéd question: what advice would you give to other aspiring musicians? Don't listen to advice intended for aspiring musicians given by musicians who are no longer aspiring. Let your soul do the talking. Let it dig into itself and find what makes it you, and turn that into art. Allow yourself to be raw and wild. Change it however you wish. Don't change it at all. However you do it, just make something, anything. And most importantly, make a fucking shitload of it.

Thanks immensely for your time; I've thoroughly enjoyed this interview. I'll be sure to check out all the artists you brought up and I'll be sure to use the word "persnickety" as much as possible now that I've been introduced to it. I've very much enjoyed doing this! Thank you very much for your interest in me, it helps me to remember that I'm doing something that reaches people.

_____

Dani’s music can be found here and here. You can read my review of Petrichor here.

#Dani Lee Pearce