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bhrarchinerd · 4 years

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By Kate Wagner February 8, 2020

On February 4, 2020 the Architectural Record reported that it had obtained a draft copy of a proposed executive order titled “Making Federal Buildings Beautiful Again.” The order would, essentially, force a re-write of the 1962 Guiding Principles for Federal Architecture which mandated that “an official [architectural] style must be avoided” for Federal buildings and that new buildings should be exemplary of the time in which they are built. The proposition put forth by this new executive order—which is spearheaded by the National Civic Art Society, a conservative non-profit—would essentially scrap the old guidelines in favor of a mandate that establishes a “classical style” inspired by Greek and Roman architecture as the default.

The American Institute of Architects (AIA)—along with several other institutions, architecture critics, and publications—swiftly published vehement denunciations to this plan, on the grounds that it would stifle architecture and violate the free thought and artistic expression that are essential to a democracy. Comparisons have already been made to Mussolini, Hitler, and Stalin. Everyone is very mad online, except for Ross Douthat, who loves the idea.

The abrupt aesthetic reversal heralded by this executive order has some obvious underpinnings, beginning with the fact that the reversion to a mandatory classical style reflects the architectural philosophies of online white supremacists online, as well as the doings of a developer-president and a right-wing thinktank making what is explicitly a political move. But this is also the inevitable result of an architectural faux-populism that has been sown in the conscience of American architecture since Postmodernism.

The effort to stifle aesthetic expression in public architecture by instating a mandatory style is wrong for all the reasons the AIA and the Chicago Sun Times editorial board lay out in opposition. The proposal would allow Trump to create a “President’s Committee for the Re-Beautification of Federal Architecture” which would enforce this design mandate, and this panel would exclude “artists, architects, engineers, art or architecture critics, members of the building industry or any other members of the public that are affiliated with any interest group or organization” involved in architecture. Speaking as an architecture critic, this is insane and borderline-totalitarian. But as with all the insane and borderline-totalitarian things Trump does, it can be partially explained by the man himself.

Whether we like to admit it or not, Trump is an architectural president—in his professional life as a (failing) developer, he has had his grubby, tiny hands in myriad buildings across the country. Like all building-peddlers, Trump is subjected to the gaze of architecture critics, who have on occasion praised his work, but have most often panned it. Though Trump has put up buildings ranging from 19th-century retrofits to late-modern skyscrapers, Trump’s personal style is a combination of 2000s bling and Louis XIV—nothing in his penthouse Trump Tower apartment is spared a metallic coating. His choice of modernism for the style of the Trump Towers in Chicago and New York can simply be explained away by the fact that Modern, all-glass buildings are the hegemonic aesthetic signature of corporate capitalism; it is the style of big business.

Trump has found a kindred soul in the right-wing Federalist Society clod Justin Shubow, who is the president of the National Civic Art Society (NCAS). NCAS is an unhinged conservative think tank founded by Catesby Leigh (who authored an infamous editorial on this topic in the conservative publication City Journal last year) hell bent on forcing neo-classical architecture on the entire country. Trump already appointed Shubow to the U.S. Commission of Fine Arts in 2018 (as well as both another NCAS member and an architect practicing in the classical style in 2019) and it’s no coincidence that the proposed Committee for the Re-Beautification of Federal Architecture bars architecture critics but allows at least one member of the Commission of Fine Arts.

Shubow is already infamous in DC architecture circles for his very public hatred of Frank Gehry’s Eisenhower Memorial, proposed in 2012 and wrapping up construction this year. An inside source who interviewed Shubow at the time told me that he is obsessed with Gehry and has reportedly called Gehry’s children and relatives of other Commission of Fine Arts staffers to see if he can get them to stop the memorial. He considers Gehry to be a Nietzschean, a fascist sympathizer, and a nihilist. He also has come to believe that the magician Aleister Crowley has an immense influence on the modern movement. (The Los Angeles Times’s Christopher Knight wrote extensively in 2012 about the nutjob-filled world in which Shubow and his organization reside.) As for NCAS, the central tenant of their belief system is that modern architecture is a degenerate art form, bringing about the downfall of Western Society. If this sounds familiar, it’s because Hitler and his chief architect, Albert Speer, believed the same thing; and because crypto-fascist Twitter accounts have been spewing garbage about the inherent beauty and superiority of Western European cities and classical architecture for many years.

Neo-classical architecture isn’t always a right-wing dogwhistle. Most architects are required to learn about it in their architectural history classes and many architects train at architecture schools (most notably The University of Notre Dame) that specialize in traditional Western architectural language. These architects sometimes go on to work on new buildings, but many ply their trade on restorations, renovations, and additions to existing traditional buildings. There is beauty and nuance in classical architecture, and it is worth studying—if more people studied how a traditional building comes together, we would end up with a lot fewer McMansions.

The issue of establishing a national style for federal buildings, while also the domain of infamous dictators, also has its place in American architectural history. It can be found in the Colonial and Federal style buildings constructed during the very founding of the country; the Beaux Arts style’s domination of federal buildings in DC in the 19th and 20th century; and the widespread uniformity of buildings built during the New Deal under the Works Progress Administration—though it is worth clarifying that these were not officially encoded in any kind of law or shoehorned through an executive order drafted by nincompoops.

While there have always been classical revivals in architecture, the most recent iteration of this was the Postmodern movement beginning in the late 1970s, and ending, for the most part, around the 1990s. A sub-style of Postmodernism, called Postmodern classicism, was practiced in the 1980s by architects such as Robert AM Stern, Leon Krier, and Michael Graves. These buildings used classical elements but distorted them in some way, such as compiling ornaments in collage-like assemblages, and contrasting classical motifs with the use of modern materials and cotton candy pastels. The establishment of movements like New Urbanism, which demonized both modern architecture and American urban planning (whether sprawl or urban renewal), further concentrated the ideological zeal towards Old Stuff.

During the Postmodern period, a faux-populist narrative emerged. Modernism was a failure; it destroyed the fabric of cities under the auspices of urban renewal, it forced an acetic style onto the American people who, in their homes and places of commerce, were devoted to a sprawl that tended aesthetically towards the traditional, much to the chagrin of Architecture writ large. This was best articulated by Robert Venturi and Denise Scott Brown, who wrote the influential book Learning from Las Vegas, in which the authors say that “main street is almost alright” and urge their fellow architects to pay more mind to “ugly and ordinary architecture.”

Learning from Las Vegas is a nuanced (and very funny) book, but its message was quickly flattened into “Modernism is a failure and ordinary people hate modernism and like red barns and gables.” This populism, which is ultimately centered on what buildings people consume (McDonalds’ restaurants and ticky-tacky suburban fare) rather than the flourishing and nuanced aesthetic tastes of millions of Americans, has reared its ugly head time and time again, across all kinds of ideologies—from the desks of Nathan J Robinson, the publisher of the socialist magazine Current Affairs, to Marion Smith, the chairman of NCAS. Smith, who said in a text message to The New York Times responding to the proposed executive order: “For too long architectural elites and bureaucrats have derided the idea of beauty, blatantly ignored public opinions on style, and have quietly spent taxpayer money constructing ugly, expensive, and inefficient buildings…This executive order gives voice to the 99 percent—the ordinary American people who do not like what our government has been building.”

The “architecture of the people”—the architecture that the people really want—fuels both ads for new suburban developments and the architectural ideologies of the Nazis. Claiming to speak for the aesthetic tastes of the Everyman is a trick tucked up the sleeve of both Don Draper and Albert Speer; it’s so cheap that it’s hard to ascribe any real morality to it. Most people aren’t really thinking about the architecture of McDonalds when they go to the drive-through, and while people love taking pictures on the steps of the Capitol building, they also enjoy taking selfies in front of the National Museum of African American History and Culture.

Simply put, people love good buildings, modern and traditional. More to the point, architecture is imbued with all manner of personal meaning to the people who experience it, regardless of how good it is. After all, the houses most of us grow up in are not architectural masterpieces. However, only a specific kind of person looks at architecture and feels the need to talk about the Grecian ideal or the backbone of Western Society. That person is usually either a white supremacist, a stuck-up nitwit trapped in the 1980s, or, in the case of Trump himself, both.

Kate Wagner is an architectural critic. In 2016, she founded McMansionHell, a blog that roasts the world’s ugliest houses. Her writing has appeared in the Atlantic and the Baffler.

@mcmansionhell

#mcmansion hell #architecture #classical architecture #modernist architecture

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missrosienorris · 4 years

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The Election that is Bad, Part 3

CW: lots of politics, mentions of ableism, a hint of racism and abusive behaviour, also a little corona at the end

Statement of potential privileges and biases: Translucently white. Finnish, and thus less directly affected by US elections, although I’d argue the whole world should be concerned about them. AFAB enby. Probably a gray ace with no gender preference, but frankly I’m not quite sure wtf I am. Rather far left but haven’t found an appropriate ideological label. University educated. Middle class. Young-ish (is 30 still young?) My mental health is ass.

So, I’ve already made a few posts about the US presidential election and the shit it’s stirring up, which is why I’m now giving the series a name. In this post I’m going to lengthily bitch about some arguments between Biden and Sanders supporters that I’m currently seeing a lot, and I’m already planning another post that’ll be a more personal rant about how I’ve had to make a purge in my parasocial relationships because so so so many of the people I follow have morphed into dicks during this election season (or perhaps revealed themselves to be dicks, I can’t assess which one from afar).

In this post I won’t be discussing Biden or Sanders themselves or their policies all that much, but I will summarize where my allegiances lie here for the record, not that my opinion is likely to surprise anyone who’s read any of my stuff before:

I think Biden’s policies suck, albeit not as much as Trump’s but that’s a low bar to clear. I think he’s a neoliberal and a sleazeball, I don’t like his incoherent speaking style or his proneness to temper tantrums and were I American, I’m not sure I could bring myself to vote for him in the general even for harm reduction purposes (but to make it crystal clear, I would never vote Trump either, it would be third party or blank in that case). I think he will lose to Trump if he is the nominee.

I have a soft spot for Sanders despite being way to the left of him, he’s a socdem at best and I’ve never voted for a socdem in my life. However, in a US context, he would be a major step to the left, his policies are alright, and he’s way more coherent than Biden. Some people on the left flanks say he’s too nice and that’s probably true, socdems tend to be like that, but my lizard brain finds the niceness endearing even though I think it’s politically not ideal. I would vote for him in a heartbeat and I have given him money (funneled through a clothing vendor, so yeah I’m a foreign interference Russian bot). I think his chances to beat Trump would be better than Biden’s. Not great, mind you, Trump has quite an advantage going into the general and I’m not sure he’s beatable, although I sure hope he is.

Alright, now then, onto my long-ass rant about bad political arguments.

So, at the time I’m writing this, it sure looks like Biden will be the Democratic nominee, the race isn’t called yet but it’s looking pretty hopeless for the Sanders campaign. Consequently, the Bidenists are looking for everyone to rally around Biden and the Berners are pissed and/or discouraged and many of them are considering not voting or voting third party (and I guess some are considering voting Trump, but I genuinely think that group is real small and I’m ignoring them because fuck anyone who would do that).

Now, there are arguments for both of these stances that I find understandable. Like, I get the Bidenist argument that Trump is worse and therefore a vote for Biden is harm reduction, and I get the concern for the supreme court. I’m not convinced by these arguments, but I get them. On the flip side, I'm very sympathetic to the arguments that Biden is corrupt and awful, and that while Trump may be worse in the short term, voting for Biden will tell the Democratic party that they can keep putting up shitty status quo nominees and progressives will just take it, and thus the party won’t change and more people will be hurt by that in the long run. This is probably the position I’d take if I were in the US, as stated above.

Either way, these types of arguments from either side are pretty reasonable, but they’re not really the ones I’m hearing the most, at least not on the ol’ internet. What I’m hearing is a lot of crap, and I’m now going to list said crap and bitch about it.

1. Biden has dementia and keeping him in the race is elder abuse.

I want to get this real oof one out of the way first, because I drag Biden a bunch and will continue to do so, but this I don’t like. Yeah, the guy is incoherent when he speaks and lashes out a lot, but we shouldn’t be armchair diagnosing him or accusing anyone of abuse without proper evidence of that. I think it’s fair to criticize him for the way he behaves and to point out that Trump will definitely use that against him, but leave health assessments to professionals. Also, I get that a presidential candidate must be scrutinized more than the general public, but some of the stuff y'all are writing about people with cognitive disabilities is like super ableist and not cool. Don’t call people soup brains, for example, that’s trash behaviour.

2. Not voting in the general/voting third party is a vote for Trump.

Hey fuck off, no it’s fucking not. A vote for Trump is a vote for Trump. I get voting strategically, I really do, but the people who choose not to vote strategically are not voting for Trump. Doesn’t matter what the reason is, if you don’t vote for Trump you don’t vote for Trump and are not to blame for Trump. It’s unbelievably shitty to accuse people of being equal to Trump supporters if they don’t line up behind a particular other candidate.

3. Sanders supporters who won’t vote for Biden in the general are making that choice out of pettiness and/or childishness.

This is some ad hominem bullshit and also kinda contrary to the whole “unite the party behind Biden” thing, you don’t typically woo voters by calling them pissbabies. Especially young people don’t tend to respond well to frumpy people condescendingly telling them to grow up. Also it’s usually not true. Most people I know of that aren’t voting for Biden have well rounded reasons why, typically that they think voting for Biden would make things worse in the end. And unless someone tells you why they’re not voting for Biden, you don’t really know their reasons, so assuming “petty and childish” reflects more on you than it does on them.

4. Anyone who WOULD vote for Biden in the general is either a not a real progressive or a “low information” voter.

Shut up about that. Trump is a nightmare and many feel that four more years of him would be so disastrous that they’d rather take four years of Biden as the lesser of two evils. Being super scared of Trump and going the harm reduction route is not a sign that you’re uninformed or not progressive enough, I may disagree with it but not for that reason. The “low information” thing also seems to be directed at minorities a lot, which is kinda gross. Talk about voter suppression and try to reach out to people, absolutely, but sort of implying that minorities are ignorant is not a good look to have.

5. I was for Warren and now I’m for Biden because Sanders supporters are abusive.

I don’t have as strong an opinion on this one as the other ones, I just feel like it’s a super weird take to jump from supporting (relatively) progressive policies to supporting whatever it is Biden’s got going on because some of the Bernie crowd are kinda dicks (which I’m not denying by the way, I’ve seen them, I just feel like policy is more important). As I stated above, I’m not about to start accusing anyone of being a fake progressive or whatever, I’m just saying it’s a little weird and if there are any Warrenites out there who would like to explain it to me that would be swell. Preferably explain it civilly, since many of the #WarrenToBiden types I’ve seen have been surprisingly abusive themselves considering their stance on the whole Bernie bro thing.

6. Not voting for Biden in the general is a sign that you’re privileged and aren’t that affected by the vote, and that you don’t really care if minorities suffer another four years of Trump. Or the converse, voting for Biden in the general is a sign that you’re privileged and aren’t that affected by a continuation of the status quo, and that you don’t care if minorities suffer in the long run.

This argument can just fuck off whatever side it comes from. It’s another ad hominem attack and super reductive, both the people rallying behind Biden and the #NeverBiden people are a diverse bunch. Some are privileged, some are not, and this generalization helps no one. Especially cringe is when someone who is decidedly not part of a minority of any kind makes this argument, which I’m seeing A LOT of. I’m all for identity politics, but this ain’t it.

7. Sanders has said he will support Biden if Biden is the nominee, so you should too.

Why? Sanders isn’t flippin’ Jesus, it’s completely possible to support him and still disagree with him on occasion. I’m not quite satisfied with his explanations considering his record on guns, for example, nor do I think he should co-opt the term “democratic socialist” when he’s really just a socdem (although it is admittedly very funny to see conservative Americans freaking out over the mention of socialism). It’s not weird to not be a sycophant, personality cults are not a good thing.

You know, I’ll probably come up with like 100 more bad arguments I’ve seen floating around once i press the “Post” button, but it’s 3 AM and this post is already dragging even by my standards so maybe I’ll release another one of these at a later date. Until then, please wash your hands, stay safe if you belong to a risk group, and if you don’t belong to a risk group, don’t be a fuckface and hoard the supplies they need or endanger them by not following recommendations to limit the spread. I’ve had a probably-just-a-cold this week and you bet your ass I haven’t left my apartment even once just in case it wasn’t just a cold and I ended up murdering a grandma. Just don’t be pricks.

#politics #democratic primaries #Joe Biden #bernie sanders #rant

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ecotone99 · 5 years

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[HM] Beating Around the Bush with Alderthorpe and Monteliemar (In honour of the POTUS's recent visit to Merrie Olde England)

Reader Alert: contains profanity

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'I say Alderthorpe my good man, I was wondering... would you mind terribly if I were to ask you a bit of a personal question?'

'I say steady on Monteliemar! A personal question? Rather a tad out of the ordinary, wouldn’t you agree?'

'Well of course you are right there, aren’t you?'

'I should say so. Whatever were you thinking, old son?'

'Fact is Alderthorpe, we've known each other for simply ages and ages haven’t we? Eton with Quayle and le Carré and Oxford... The wars, North Africa... ah yes, hunting down wogs on horseback at the crack of dawn... we have had a time of it haven’t we?'

'Those were the days weren't they Monty old son?'

'Oh indeed they were. You having it off with half the whores in Hamburg and me rogering the other half once the dust had settled? Bit of a tag-team, weren't we? Splendid times they were.'

'Showed those Hun tarts the meaning of defeat.'

'We most certainly did.'

'For King and Empire! Makes the blood boil just thinking about it. Nothing like a good rogering I always say.'

'Oh rather old boy, nothing quite like it.'

'So what's all this nonsense about personal questions then? Never came up between us before.'

'No, you're quite right, it hasn’t, has it? But you see Alderthorpe, I thought as unseemly as it may sound, if there were anyone of whom I could ever ask a personal question that would be yourself. I mean we have had a time of it together haven’t we, the two of us?'

'Yes, I suppose we have. What about the vicar, he strikes me as more the type for that sort of thing. Perhaps you should ask him?'

'Bit of an indecorous inquiry to put before the vicar actually. Shouldn’t think he'd be able to give me the answer I'm looking for either I'm afraid.'

'Well you could always ask old Dr Sacklouse then couldn’t you? I wouldn’t think there's anything one daren’t ask him, I've no doubt the man has heard most everything at one time or another, in the course of his career so to speak. I do believe I saw him come in to the club earlier actually. Shall I ask the boy if he's still here?'

'This is a somewhat indelicate matter, even for the likes of our good doctor. And though I couldn’t agree with you more that he would have heard most of what there is to hear, at his age, I question his ability to hear much of anything. The fellow is on the downhill portion of his ninety-sixth year after all.'

'Yes, perhaps you are right there Monteliemar, seems to take a bit of a shouting to get through to him of late. But you're certainly spot-on about the indelicacy aspect of it, old chap. Hit the nail square on the head there I should say.'

'Yes quite. But if one is to go about hitting nails I should think one may as well do one's utmost to hit them on their heads, don't you think Alderthorpe?'

'I say Monteliemar, you're not considering taking-up carpentry are you?'

'Carpentry!!? Good Lord man, wherever did you get that idea!!? That piece of Jerry shrapnel in your head causing you to hear the voices again?'

'Well this incessant rain does tend to make it act-up, but so far this Fall it hasn’t progressed much further than a constant dull throb. Though I did think the voices had started-up again the other day. Wasn’t the case though. Turned out cook had left the wireless on in the kitchen, some sort of silly evangelical prattle of a station. Silly old cow, gave me half a fright at first. But I'm so pleased to hear that carpentry isn’t on your agenda. Bit of a plebeian pastime that. Not your sort of diversion I should think.'

'I should say not dear boy. We do have a man to take care of that sort of thing. Seems to be quite proficient at it too. Of course those people usually are, I mean what else is there for them to do?'

'Yes, quite.'

'So Alderthorpe, speaking of incessant, I do so hate to be a bother with all this personal question business, it is rather a bit distasteful actually, as much for me as it must be for you I should think.'

'Well my dear fellow, asking personal questions of each other isn’t exactly like sharing a trifle, is it then? Or a whimsy in Hamburg.'

'No, indeed it isn’t. By the way, your cook still make that marvellous trifle she served at the "à l'air" you held in the summer? Quite splendid that.'

'I should certainly hope it was. Used three bottles of my very best brandy for that, the stupid wench.'

'I should think that that’s what made it so delightful, what?'

'Yes, I suppose you have a point there. Though I'm beginning to suspect she does that sort of thing just to spite me, miserable woman that she is. I nearly had her flogged when I found out what she'd done.'

'Did you?'

'Oh indeed I did. I was absolutely livid with her. Doesn't know her place, that one.'

'All too few of them do, do they? So what stopped you then?'

'My wife.'

'Your wife?'

'Yes, Lady Alderthorpe informed me that that sort of thing isn’t on anymore.'

'It's not!!? How very odd.'

'Quite. But apparently not. Seems there's some sort of ridiculous law against it now.'

'How utterly absurd. What is one to do to discipline the servants then?'

'Well one can certainly no longer flog one of them in front of the others. Though that does tend to diminish the value of the exercise.'

'Yes well, it would rather, wouldn’t it then? I mean the fear of the lash is almost more effective than its application.'

'So it would seem.'

'It is ever so trying keeping up with all these frightful socialist changes isn’t it? One shudders to imagine what may come next.'

'I don't even wish to think about it, its altogether too disturbing to consider.'

'Oh well, perhaps its merely a passing fad.'

'One can only hope. I'm beginning to think Mosley wasn’t all that far off-target actually.'

'Yes well at least he endeavoured to maintain a degree of balance, to say nothing of standards. How is one expected to maintain any sort of standards these days?'

'Bit of a dilemma that.'

'Isn't it just?'

'So tell me old man, whatever are you on about with all this personal question twaddle then? Strikes me as being rather indiscreet, wouldn’t you agree?'

'Well it is that, isn’t it? However, you being the stand-up chap you are I should think you could allow the depth of our friendship to indulge me in this minor little indiscretion.'

'A bit irregular though, don't you think Monteliemar? I mean we're not bloody Frogs, are we?'

'No we're not. And thank God for that. You are quite right though Alderthorpe, it definitely is rather irregular, there's no denying that. The fact of the matter is, there is a certain element of irregularity to the subject of the question itself, old boy.'

'Is there? Well, we have been through the thick of it together then, haven’t we Monteliemar? I dare say, were it not for you, I should not be here enjoying this fine single-malt at this very moment. I am eternally grateful to you for bayoneting that young Jerry bastard in the nick of time, you know.'

'Stuck him in the kidney actually, not in the nick, but certainly in time.'

'I dare say your wit is still as sharp as that bayonet, old boy. I suppose you are right though, in view of that gesture alone on your part, I should well be able to permit you a minor indiscretion, even one as indelicate as your asking a personal question of me.'

'You are, as always, most gracious Alderthorpe.'

'Yes, I am rather, aren’t I? Fire away then old friend, what was it you wanted to ask me?'

'Well Alderthorpe, I do trust you will understand just how difficult it is for me to put such a delicate question to you.'

'But of course my good man, we are the oldest of friends after all, are we not?

'And the best of friends, I should add. So you're alright with my asking you then?'

'Well I shouldn’t go so far as to put it in quite that way, but one must make sacrifices for one's friends, mustn’t one?'

'Indeed one must. And I do appreciate your making such a sacrifice, I just want you to know.'

'Oh tosh, think nothing of it Monteliemar. You'd do the same for me.'

'Yes, I would actually. Wouldn’t think twice about it.'

'Right then, ask away. I've prepared myself.'

'Are you rogering my wife?'

'Good Heavens man, what a dreadfully common way of putting it! Most astonishing if I do say so.'

'Well yes, it is rather, isn’t it?'

'Indeed it is Monteliemar. Most astonishing.'

'Be that as it may old friend, are you or are you not?'

'Am I or am I not what?'

'Rogering my wife Alderthorpe, it was a fairly straightforward question I should think.'

'And more than a little inculpatory, wouldn’t you say?'

'Yes, perhaps it was. Do forgive me. So you're not?'

'Not what?'

'Rogering my wife.'

'Well yes actually, I am. Not at the moment though. Obviously.'

'No, no, quite. Rather a fine whiskey this, isn’t it?'

'I should say it is.'

'So you are in fact rogering my wife then?'

'You’ve already posed that question Monteliemar my lad and, if you stoke the embers of your memory, answer it I did.'

'Yes Alderthorpe, quite right, I did. As did you now you mention it. Do pardon my repetitiveness won't you?’

'Think nothing of it old friend, think nothing of it.'

'How could you?'

'How could I what, dear boy?'

'Swive my wife.'

'To tell you the truth, at my age I do wonder about that myself on occasion.'

'Yes, I know what you mean, the old Sergeant Major isn’t as quick to spring to attention as he once was, is he?'

'Unfortunately not. One can only be thankful for all those years of rigorous training and an extraordinary degree of discipline that the old fellow can still snap to it at all anymore.'

'Yes, quite. At the risk of sounding overly tedious, and I trust you will overlook that if that is the case, I really must ask you again, how could you?'

'Have a go at your wife you mean?'

'Exactly.'

'Well there is a certain degree of acquiescence involved.'

'Is there?'

'Indeed there is. I mean to say we are speaking in reference to Lady Monteliemar, aren’t we? Not some tawdry bit of Hamburg fluff dropping her knickers for a crust of bread or half a tin of Navy Cuts after all.'

'Yes, I suppose you're right.'

'Well I expect I am old boy.'

'To what precisely are you referring when you say, acquiescence?'

'Well, it is somewhat of a reciprocal arrangement dear boy.'

'Is it?'

'Yes, as a matter of fact it is. She does push back, as it were, and rather vigorously too I might add.'

'Pushing back!? And vigorously so!?'

'Indeed. She doesn't just lay there with her knickers around her ankles and let me boff her.'

'She doesn't?'

'No, she doesn't. Lady Monteliemar is quite the reciprocatory sort. You must have noticed so yourself.'

'Not recently, I'm afraid.'

'Well you can rest assured that she is not only most accommodating, but in fact rather energetically inclined in her response.'

'How very odd!'

'Odd? In what way?'

'It’s all she ever does for me of late.'

'All she ever does for you of late?'

'Yes, lays there and lets me shtup her. Nothing reciprocal about it, I'm afraid.'

'Oh I say, how awful for you.'

'Yes, rather.'

'Not much fun in that, is there old boy?'

'I should say not. But then younger women do tend toward whimsicality, don't they?'

'Yes, they rather do, don't they? Speaking of whimsy and the like, how are you and Lady Alderthorpe getting on then?'

'Not as well as we were during the summer, I dare say. She seems to have developed quite an interest in the new gardener we've taken on.'

'Has she indeed? Well she always was a bit of a wanderer, that one. Always had a bit of a taste for the outdoorsy types.'

'I expect she'll tire of calloused hands and filthy fingernails in due time.'

'Yes, I expect she will. Has a bit of difficulty in maintaining her attentions on any one thing all too long, I should say.'

'An afternoon at Harrods always seems to bring them round.'

'Does, doesn't it? Bit of lucre well applied that. Well then, I'm certainly pleased we got that issue cleared from the agenda.'

'As am I old chap, as am I. Been on my mind for simply ages.'

'Well, I'm pleased you're pleased. Getting a bit peckish, how about yourself then Monteliemar, do with a little nibble soon could you? I understand beef is Argentinean this week, frightfully good I'm told. Not much in military matters those chaps, but they seem to do a spiffing job with cattle.'

'Yes, I suppose they do. I was getting the odd growl in the tummy as we were talking just now actually. I could definitely do with a bit of a nosh soon. Wouldn’t mind another drink first though.'

'Shall we have another whiskey before dinner then? It is an excellent batch they’ve brought on this year. I do believe there's time.'

'Jolly good suggestion old chap. Yes, lets do.'

'I say boy, bring us another couple of whiskeys with a splash, would you? There's a good lad.'

submitted by /u/PopeyeLePew [link] [comments] via Blogger http://bit.ly/2IEPDxS

#Blogger #Story

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kindabraveandlittlestupid · 6 years

Photo

While I am not a big fan of putting labels on anyone because of the ‘one-dimensional’ qualities to labels. I do, however, believe with a plethora of labels you might be about start to establishing some of the representation of the human condition. Below you will find labels that give you some insight into me.

Sapioromantic/Sapiosexual - The love or attraction towards intelligence has always been a thing for me. I am sure there are people on the web who might argue I am not true sapiosexual because I still have various physical attractions that draw me to a partner but I am inclined to disagree. The desire for an intelligent partner is the primary driving force of all my long-term desires as most physical draws are either temporary or circumstantial of being effective, so long as they can display their sapio qualities they will hold my interest. In other words, you can be a stunning 11 out of 10 supermodel but without a brain to backup beauty, any interest will be short-lived.

Pogonotrophy - Cultivation of facial hair into a glorious beard. I have more than most men and less than some. I tend to have a beard about 10 months out of the year ranging from scruffy to hipster bartender. The oils, the combs, the conditioners and waxes can be found in my bathroom. When I decide to grow one out, it's always a serious endeavor.

Pictophilia - A collector of sexual images is nothing new to the male condition, when our fathers did it they had boxes of playboys tucked under their beds. We live in a marvelous time where community spaces like Tumblr and Pinterest allow us to house these collections and cultivate them. Naturally, I plan to share some on this account with you but I also want them to be tasteful. Porn that shows passion and mutual pleasure. Those sort of short looped black and white gifs that are tastefully done which is more intoxicating then what you might see on Brazzers and the like.

Cynophilist - Simply put a lover of dogs of all shapes and sizes (that is not true I fucking hate dislike Chihuahuas). I had a few canines over my life and I always treated them with unconditional love. My pouches always rode chewie (shotgun) in my car, slept on the bed, jumped on the couch and got unsalted burger paddies from In and Out Burger. Point is I am dog person and while cats are alright they never showed the affection that canines do. Sorry feline lovers.

Bibliophile - Perhaps enhanced (or undermined) by my technophile tendencies, I consume a fair amount of books as part of my broad media diet. I am picky about which books I read so not everything makes its way into my hands and with limited room space, I have opted to have most books in digital format instead of paper. Am I betraying my fellow bibliophiles or am I taking it to the next level by carrying thousands of books on my EReader and listening to audiobooks at the gym? You tell me.

Technophile - Technology holds an ambiguous nature (as most of these definitions do) of being either very good or very bad for me. I am NOT the sort of guy to wait in line for the new iPhone but I do read on the new tech and where it can take us getting excited about the prospects of 3D printing and abilities of AI. Gadgets are meant to enhance our lives not become a crutch.

Nyctophile - I prefer the dark, nothing against the daytime but the night time is when I thrive most. I watch the things I want, go to the gym, take a late night run, do my writing and so on. This relationship with the dark or specifically night time has been a long lasting one despite many jobs forcing me to wake up at the crack of dawn (those mother fucking employers).

Pluviophile/Ceraunophile - Perhaps a little off definition but I take comfort, not in the rain and lightning specifically but the sound of rain and the thunder that comes with it. If there is a more appropriate term, by all means, let me know but I love the ambient sounds that come with these things. Much the same I love the hum of servers, trains on a track, the creek of a boat, and waves of the ocean.

Sophophilia - Perhaps connected with my bibliophile condition, the desire to learn something new is also laced into my character. I don't get ‘turned on’ when reading a science book but when someone embraces this part of their personality it taps into my stronger sapiosexual tendencies.

Fictophile - I suspect many of us are fictophiles if we know it or not. A strong draw to a fictional character as if they were almost real is pretty common. My favorites have almost always been comic book girls like Barbara Gordon and Soranik Natu. If only they were real.

Spectaphile - Hardly a physical trait of the normal nature but I do believe I am in love with girls in glasses. Far from mandatory but some bookish specs, hipster frames or rounded lenses all appeal to the geeky part of me. Doesn't hurt that I wear glasses which is perhaps a bias.

Egalitarian - I never been comfortable with “Down with the Patriarchy” it's inherently negative. “Rise of the Matriarchy” is a positive message for young girls. That being said I am Egalitarian in nature believing men and women should both have their say in power. This is equality in politics and a concept supported by Feminism.

Socialist - Hard not to believe in a concept that encourages everyone to pitch into the betterment of society and sharing wealth and success with one another. I do not believe in absolute socialism and the complete removal of capitalism but having socialist principals and beliefs motivate society would lead to better wellbeing for all people involved.

Progressive - Pushing forward and trying to live up to humanities full potential. No doubt in my mind being a progressive is far superior to the ideology of conservativism which wants to roll the world back... you know before unions, women's rights, civil rights or even back to slavery.

Feminist - I heard of Humanist and Equalist as alternative ideologies to feminism and so long as the end goal is equality I am ok with other people using them (so long as they aren't looking to berate the label of a feminist like many trolls). Feminism is about pushing down on the scale to make things equal and equitable. I am all for that.

I may add words to this list over time so don't be afraid to come back and visit.

Regards Michael California

#Words #Labels

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josephstoontown · 7 years

Text

Fox in the Henhouse

Word count: 7,289 – Character count: 41,874 Originally written: December 26th, 2016 Accidentally revised*: June 28th, 2017 Further revised: August 12th, 2017 (* I made a mistake while revising stories and accidentally did this one before I needed to. Oops.)

After a delightful morning breakfast, a discussion of relationships turns heavy and heated between friends.

Woody Woodpecker, Winnie Woodpecker, the Woody Woodpecker Show, and related characters and properties created by and © Walter Lantz Productions Lola Bunny, The Looney Tunes Show, and related characters and properties created by and © Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc.

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“So, what’s th’ story with that rabbit gal anyway?”

On a Sunday morning in August, a trio of friends – a fox and two woodpeckers – went out to have breakfast together. The male woodpecker had raised the question to the fox between bites of his cheese omelet.

“What do you mean?” replied the fox as he sipped his coffee. “Well, I notice she’s been comin’ over a lot more since Winnie ‘n I came back from our cruise to Acapulco… so, I kinda get th’ feelin’ that maybe somethin’ happened between you two while we were gone. Somethin’ good!” “Well, I mean… you know as much as I do, Woody.” The taller figure gestured with one hand. “She decided to make sure I didn’t get lonely while you were gone–” He paused, noting the slightly suggestive look of intense interest Woody was giving him. “That’s… not what I meant…” he said with a scowl. “Whaaat?” was his pseudo-innocent response. “I’m just listenin’…” The fox gave a huff, shaking his head at the bad acting…

“Anyway… We spent a lot of time together while you were gone and… I guess… we just kinda became friends? It doesn’t seem like she has a lot to do, unlike us, so… she comes over and hangs out anytime she’s in the neighborhood.” “Which is basically any-dang-time!” Woody added with a chuckle. “Mm… yeah,” he agreed. “More-or-less.” “Well, I think it’s great that you’ve made a new friend, Joseph!” Both Joseph and Woody looked over toward Winnie. She was holding a coffee mug and wearing a smile aimed at the former. “For a while, it seemed like you only had Woody or myself to hang around with – not that we minded! You’re pretty interesting! But, I think it’s really great that Lola has become such a good friend to you. She seems pretty…” The female woodpecker paused, giving a thoughtful look. “‘Crazy?’” Woody interjected. “Well… not to sound redundant, but…” “‘Random?’ ‘Insane?’ ‘Annoying?’” “Interesting!” was the word Winnie had settled on as she smirked to her boyfriend. “‘Loopy,’ ‘erratic,’ ‘dizzy…’ I could go on!” “Well, don’t,” Joseph interrupted. “While I can’t argue that she can be a handful at times, I have no problems reminding you, Woody, that you can be just as bad, sometimes.” “Whaaat, meee?” he said, giving a look of genuine surprise. “Are you sayin’ I’m a handful, too…?” “You certainly have your moments…” Winnie said with a grin. “Pah! You’re just pickin’ on me ‘cause I’m short!” “You’re not much shorter than Lola…” Joseph said with a chuckle. “And you and Winnie are about the same height, so…” “So, what? You sayin’ you got somethin’ against shorties, pal?” The fox was taken aback by the sudden accusation. However, the grin that followed it made him smile in amusement. “Goofball…”

The trio continued to talk about a handful of topics while finishing their breakfasts. Once the food was gone, Woody had somehow managed to trick Joseph into paying for all three meals… not that he minded. The woodpecker had been treating him for a while… With the meals paid for, they headed outside the Denny’s and into the parking lot.

“You two wanna lift back home?” Woody asked. “I know it’s not far but it’s kinda chilly, for August!” Joseph looked to Winnie. She looked back his way with a shrug and a smile. “We can walk home, from here. The walk’ll do us good after that weighty breakfast. Besides… I don’t want to cling to the back of your little car, again.” He gave a grin. “Not with the way you drive… Thanks, though!” “Alrighty, then! Enjoy your day off, pal! Just remember, I expect t’ see my gal in one piece when I get back! Ya break ‘er, ya buy ‘er!” He gave a wink. “Got it?” Winnie giggled at what was seemed like some sort of inside joke between the two… Joseph, however, was a little flustered, his mind going to some odd places, from the statement… “I’m off!” the redhead said as he headed to his car a second later. “Don’t do anythin’ I would do!” And, again, Joseph was left scratching his head as Winnie smiled and waved. Soon after, the male woodpecker was gone, heading toward Joe’s Diner and leaving the two to make their way to the Rubber Arms on-foot.

“So, uh… if you don’t mind my asking…” Winnie looked up at Joseph with a smile as she walked alongside him. “Did… Woody mean anything by what he said? I mean… is he expecting us to do… something…? Or, um…” “Oh, you know Woody…” she said with a dismissive hand-wave. “He’s always saying weird things like that!” “If that’s the case… then, why were you giggling?” “Because, he’s funny!” “Well…” Joseph rubbed the back of his head. “You’re not wrong, but…” “You worry too much, Joseph…” Her smile became a grin as she bumped her green-skirted hip to his leg. “It’s like the man said: ‘Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive!’” “Uh… who, exactly, said that?” “Bugs Bunny, of course!” “Of course…” He gave a hum… “Wait, was he quoting someone else?” Winnie suddenly looked unsure of herself. “Umm…” “Because, if he said that ‘the man’ said that… then, who in the world is this ‘the man?’” “Maybe the Internet knows?” she offered. “To the Internet, then?” “To the Internet!” And, with that, Winnie raced off toward the apartment complex, leaving the fox to eat her dust and play catch-up.

“You are… one fast bird…!” “Or, maybe, you’re just out of shape!”

Joseph grinned at Winnie’s teasing. He’d finally caught up with her… but, only because the door to his apartment was locked and she couldn’t get in – though, she probably could have if she’d really wanted to… or, if it were funny, he thought. She was a slapstick ‘toon, after all. The two headed inside not long after.

“So, what does the Internet say about that quote?” Joseph asked as he got some drinks. “It saaays… oh!” Winnie paused. “Ah, I should’ve known! Apparently, the original quote was by Elbert Hubbard!” “Elbert Hubbard, huh?” Joseph gave a blink. “Okay. Who’s that?” “Elbert Hubbard! You know! The socialist philosopher!” “I… don’t know, actually. But, then,” he continued as he returned to the living room, “I also couldn’t tell you much about writers on Ragnarok, either. Well, aside from the one I met that one time… What a sweetheart she was!” “Elbert Hubbard’s literary works,” Winnie continued, ignoring his comment, “included things like ‘The Mintage’ from 1910 and his most famous work, ‘A Message to Garcia,’ his essay from 1899, which focused on the working class and their inability to follow the directions of their superiors – meaning supervisors and the like, of course.” “Can’t say I’m familiar with that piece…” Joseph sat on the couch with a chuckle. “I’ll have to read it to you, sometime!” She brightly smiled, closing the nearby laptop before accepting an iced tea. “It’s very stirring and holds up well even to this day!” “Mmm… right.”

“So, Joseph…” she began again after a few moments. “Yes?” “What is the situation with Lola and yourself?” She paused. “If you don’t mind my asking, I mean…” Joseph gave a blink. “Why does everybody keep thinking there’s a ‘situation’ with us? Can’t a guy like me and a girl like her just be friends?” The fox then noticed… Winnie wasn’t buying what he was selling. “C’mon… d-don’t give me that look, Winnie…” he said in a paranoid tone. “Joseph… I know you too well to believe that there isn’t something going on,” she said with a patient smile. “Either you are… or you aren’t… flirting with her. I just want to know which… And…” She paused again, looking down to her canned drink. “If she’s flirting back…” The fox gave a blink, his ears perking. Winnie’s confidence had waned as she added that last part to her statement. Her face had also turned thoughtful… as if she was already analyzing the potential “situation” between Lola and himself. “If I didn’t know better…” he mused with concern, “I’d say you were kind of… invested… in my… ‘situation…’ Or, lack thereof.”

There was a long, somewhat awkward pause as Joseph watched Winnie run her finger around the rim of her drink. Her lidded eyes were focused on the coffee table and she had a somewhat neutral, somewhat curious look about her…

“So…?” she asked, looking over and breaking the silence. “What’s the situation?” “There is no ‘situation…’” Joseph reassured. “Or, if there is, it’s… I dunno… about the same as the one you and I have-or-don’t-have?” “Oh. Oh…?” She paused… then, she gave a grin. “Ooohh…” “Don’t… read too much into that…” the fox said with a frown. “Lola’s a sweet girl… However… if I’m being perfectly honest…” The fox looked to one side, his ears folding back. “I haven’t made much… ‘progress…’ with her. At least, not as far as I can tell.” “Go on?” Joseph turned back toward Winnie. His ears perked when he noticed the interested, bright-eyed expression she wore. If that had been all, he probably would have let the topic drop… but, the way that pleasant smile rested on her beak never failed to get him to open up…

“Alright, so…” he began, “I told you she’d been keeping me company while you guys were on vacation…” “Uh-huh?” “Well… that first day she came over was… awkward… but, interesting.” The fox continued from there, telling Winnie about accidentally half-seducing her not once… but, twice, that day, as well as the awkwardness of her over-the-top shenanigans the following night. He decided to leave out any details regarding Lola’s personal life as well as what, exactly, he’d been dreaming about when he started molesting the invasive rabbit in his sleep… but, otherwise, he told her everything.

“I think I understand…” Winnie said after the story was finished. “You’re not sure Lola is interested in you in the same way you’re interested in her, right?” “That’s part of it, yeah…” he answered truthfully. “She’s not exactly… direct… when it comes to stuff like that. Which is funny, considering what she told me about her last ‘relationship…’” “You mean with Bugs?” The fox perked. “Wh– how did you know–?” “It was aaall over the newspapers, back then! ‘Stalker tempts cartoon rabbit with a carrot,’ or something like that… Huh… come to think of it, I’m not sure why I didn’t recognize that Lola sooner! She has a pretty memorable face…” “Pretty eyes, too.” The woodpecker jolted at that, looking up. “What?” “Uh… sorry…” Joseph rubbed the back of his neck with a nervous chuckle. Winnie gave a chuckle of her own before continuing her train of thought.

“What’s the other thing stopping you from being more forward, if you don’t mind my prying?” “Well. Well…” he said, sounding a little annoyed. “Just… just ‘toons, man… You know how they are.” A flash of anger came across Winnie’s face upon hearing that. “No, I don’t know how we are,” she half-spat. “Care to explain, Mr. Joseph Lithius?” “I– Oooh…” The fox gave a frown. “Winnie, no, I didn’t mean–” “And, what did you mean?” The woodpecker’s arms crossed over her chest. “Well?” “I just– y’all… can’t…” Joseph sputtered a little. He knew he’d really upset Winnie by saying those few careless words… and, he didn’t really know how to fix it. He could just back out and hope she forgot he’d even said anything… but, he knew she wasn’t the kind of person that would let go of something like that. Not seeing any other choice, he decided to just go ahead and risk telling her… “You ‘toons never take anything seriously!”

Winnie was a little staggered by the statement, her eyes wide and a surprised look on her face. For a moment, she really didn’t know what to do… As she thought about his words, though, her surprise… became a realization. And… “You’re right.” An agreement.

The fox gave a blink, his head jerking up and swinging toward hers. Winnie set her drink down before resting her hands on the hem of her skirt. Once again, she wore a patient smile on her face… though, he could tell there was just a little bit of “hurt” in her pretty, blue eyes. “As a slapstick ‘toon, it’s hard-wired into our ink-and-paint that, if there’s any opportunity to be funny… we have to take it. It doesn’t matter whether or not we think someone’s watching… We’re just going to go for it regardless of circumstance… and, quite often… without considering the long-term effects of our shenanigans. There’s no real thought involved… no time to consider things like, ‘Well, he’s going to be upset if I do this…’ It’s all just an ingrained, knee-jerk response to a given situation.” She gave her skirt an uncomfortable squeeze. “We’re made to be funny…” she whispered, her eyes starting to tear up. “It goes against our nature to not be…” “Winnie…” The woodpecker suddenly shook her head, starting to laugh as she wiped her moistening eyes with one arm. She then smiled up at the fox.

“I understand your frustration, Mr. Lithius… I really do! I can understand why you’d feel the way you do… and, be so disappointed with us ‘toons. We have feelings and emotions just like everyone else… but, that ‘Rule of Funny’ has a stranglehold on us slapstick ‘toons… some more than others… It’s a curse… but, sometimes…” Her smile brightened. “It can be a real blessing, too!” Joseph gave a blink and tilted his head. Winnie was still laughing… but, she seemed somewhere between being genuinely happy and staying upset with herself.

“It takes more muscles for a human – or humanoid,” she added with a nod toward the fox, “to frown than it does to smile. Plus… it’s like Roger Rabbit said: ‘A laugh can be a very powerful thing!’ I’ve… never had to use it as a weapon, myself… but, I’m sure that, in the right situation, it could be a very effective one!” “You ‘toons really like that movie, don’t you?” Winnie gave a blink at the sudden topic change… but, she didn’t miss a beat otherwise. “It’s a really good movie! Scary… and, maybe a little too realistic…” The fox gave an inadvertent snicker at that. “But, it is a really good movie with a lot of messages that are really relevant even today!” She paused to give the fox a curious look before asking… “Why?” “Huh?” He gave a blink. “Oh, just… I notice that both you and Lola seem to pull quotes from that movie in particular.” Her curiosity intensified. “She’s quoted the movie, too?” “Yeah. Like, one time… she used the ‘I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way’ line.” Winnie gave a smirk. The fox immediately knew what she was thinking…

“No no,” Joseph started to clarify. “She used it in a completely different context. What she meant was like, ah… let’s see… Oh! Have you see Disney’s ‘The Princess and the Frog?’” “Yes?” “Well, if you remember Doctor uh… Doctor…” “Doctor Facilier, ‘the Shadow Man,’” Winnie helpfully prompted. “Right! Him! Well, he was bad-to-the-bone, in the movie… preying on peoples’ greed and whatnot. But, from what I’ve read through newspapers and the like, he’s actually pretty nice! I mean, how bad can he be if he frequently does free shows at Tia’s Palace?” “You mean ‘Tiana’s Place?’” she corrected. “Uh, that! Yeah! Heh. Man, I sure don’t know my Disney…” “You know Robin Hood, though.” The fox gave a grin… Winnie almost immediately knew what that meant…

“Robin Hood ‘n Little John, walkin’ through th’ fo-rest, laughin’ back ‘n forth at what the other’n has t’ saaay…” She couldn’t help but be amused as he sang the song pitch-perfectly. “Reminiscing this-‘n-that and havin’ such a good time…” Joseph gave a grin as she joined in for the last part. “Oodalolly, oodalolly, golly what a day!” The two then burst into laughter before sharing a happy smile.

“You’ve gotta admit,” Joseph said with a swish of his tail, “that’s a fun song.” “Of course!” she agreed with a giggle. “I can’t help but think the only reason you know it is because I won’t stop singing it, though…” “Sometimes,” Winnie chuckled, “I think it was a mistake to share that movie with you…” “Maybe… But, I’m glad you did.” He warmly smiled. “And I’m even more glad you watched it with me.”

A content silence filled the room as the two shared another smile. It didn’t last long, though, as Joseph noticed Winnie start to look glum again. “What’s… what’s wrong, Winnie?” he asked with perked ears. “Nothing…” she said with a faint smile. “I’m just… thinking…” “Thinking? About what?” “About what you said… and, about how right you are.” “I…” The fox’s face went through a couple of shifts before he settled on a confused look. “I’m sorry, what?” “You’re right about ‘toons like us,” she said, looking up and gesturing with one hand. “We can’t take anything seriously because the ‘Rule of Funny’ frequently supersedes the moment. I never really thought about how frustrating it can be for someone who doesn’t ‘run’ on laughter and comedy…” She paused for a moment before continuing. “Sometimes, when Woody and I are being… i-intimate…” she shyly stated, “sometimes, Rule of Funny comes into play and derails whatever we might have been feeling at-the-time. However… it almost always leads into an eruption of laughter… then, a brilliant smile! I guess what I’m saying is… when Woody and I make each other laugh…” The bird gave a bright blush, placing her gloved hands to her cheeks… “I-it’s somehow even better than… better than…” Joseph started to blush himself… He had an idea of how Winnie was thinking about finishing that thought… “You don’t have to say it,” the fox stated, causing the bashful bird to jolt. “Honestly, a good laugh… I mean, a really good laugh… can feel pretty good. I’m not exactly sure how ‘toons like you are built… but, if laughter is your, um… t-turn-on…” Winnie gave another blush… but, she continued paying full attention. “Well… who am I to argue? I just wish… well… that I was more funny, in that case.” The fox’s blush brightened a little as he whispered to her. “I’d love to tickle your funny bone, sometime…”

There was another awkward silence between them, Winnie staring wide-eyed at the fox as he found himself unable to look her in the face anymore. He was feeling far too shy for that, given what he’d just said. But, for some reason though… it hadn’t had that effect on her.

“J… Joseph?” she quietly asked. “Are you saying… what I think you’re saying…?” He hesitated… then, gave his response. “What can I say…? I… I like making people happy.” “It’s more than that, though. Isn’t it?” The fox gave a wince, his ears falling back. She could see how tense he was feeling just then… which told her… “I’m right, aren’t I?” “Y… you’re… you’re not wrong…?” he skittishly admitted. “You… did mean that as a double entendre…” she guessed, her face brightening, again. The fox remained silent, his own cheeks red with shy embarrassment… He really hadn’t meant it as a double entendre… but, at the same time…

Maybe he had…

Winnie squeezed her skirt with one hand, the other sliding down to fidget with her plumage. She couldn’t take the eyes off the blushing fox as she sat there, unsure of what to say… what to do… It felt, to her, like she should have been more startled by his somewhat-backhanded confession… but, for some reason… that wasn’t even remotely close to what she was feeling… Unfortunately, what she was feeling just made things all the more confusing… and, that confusion was most likely the reason she whispered to him after the longest of pauses…

“I’d like that…”

The fox jolted in his seat, his fur bristling, ears perking, and tail straightening. Even Winnie couldn’t believe she’d just said that! She immediately hid her face behind her hands, trying to avoid eye-contact as best she could. “What…” was all the fox could manage to say. He didn’t really want her to repeat herself… He’d heard her just fine. His problem was… he was having a very hard time processing the fact that she’d basically just… said ‘yes’ to his accidental suggestion. And, it sounded to him, at least… like she had meant it.

“I’m not sure why I said that,” Winnie squeaked from behind her hands as she started to explain herself. “I’m really not! It just… seemed like the right thing to say, at the time?” The bird waited for a response… but, ended up not getting one, so she continued. “I… I like you, Joseph… I really do. I like you a lot!” she said as she slowly brought her hands back down to her lap. The blush on her face was bright enough to illuminate the room… “A-and… I want to make you happy. Not just because you make me happy… but, because… I-I think you deserve it. I… kind of think it was sweet of you to make that offer…” She gave a squirm, looking down and pausing again. “A-and… i-if you wanted to… I… I think it would be a lot of fun…!” Why am I saying these things?! she yelled at herself in her head. I’m making myself sound absolutely horrible! Like I’m some… some harlot! O-or– “We don’t have to.”

The bird gave a blink of her blue eyes, staring up at Joseph. He was looking to the side, again, and rubbing his arm. His tail and ears were also lowered… and, Winnie noticed, he had a look of shame on his face. “I feel like that remark I made was… was uncalled for,” he said. “And, I just… I’m sorry.” The woodpecker gave another blink as she watched him sit up. “I appreciate you being so enthusiastic about the offer…” She gave a wince, feeling a flash of embarrassment. “But, I mean… j-just because I suggested it doesn’t mean we have to do it. All the talk about laughter and intimacy got me thinking and I just… I dunno… I said something stupid. I’m sorry. I really am…”

Joseph went silent after his explanation, just staring at the coffee table as Winnie stared at him. By that point, she wasn’t really sure what to think… He really did seem sorry for what he’d said, despite the fact he hadn’t offended or even bothered her… but… Should I just accept his apology? she thought. Should I tell him it’s fine and just let it go? Should I be mad because that’s what he’s expecting? Do I tell him he’s being just silly and overreacting over nothing? This is such an odd predicament… She gave a frown. What do I do? What do I do…?

The seconds seemed to pass like minutes as Winnie watched her friend remain there, paralyzed with guilt. It was tearing her up inside to see him feel so bad over something that, in all honesty, hadn’t even phased her. How could she fix this situation… and, more importantly… how could she keep it from getting worse?

Joseph gave a blink, his fur bristling again. His ears had picked up on a small, soft sound as something just touched his cheek. By the time he’d looked to see what was going on, he noticed the form of the shorter, red woodpecker pressing herself against and wrapping her arms around his body. “Wh…?” “It’s okay,” Winnie calmly said as she gave him a squeeze. “I’m not mad. I’m not even bothered. If anything, I’m actually kind of… flattered! I… I didn’t think you liked me like that…” There was a pause before he heard her whisper… “Especially since that bunny came around…” “W… wait, what?” The woodpecker gave a jolt. Did I say that out loud?! she tensely thought. “You… what? Bunny?” was the fox’s confused stream of consciousness. That seemed to confirm her thought…

“You mean Lola?” he asked, looking down at his companion. “I don’t… Why would she have anything to do with how I felt toward you… or, anyone else, for that matter?” Winnie hesitated… then, she gave a sigh before leaning back in his lap. “Maybe I just wasn’t paying attention…” she said with a frown. “But, it seemed to me like… since Woody and I came back from Acapulco, you… haven’t been as, um… ‘interested’ in me…?” The woodpecker gave an awkward smile, causing the fox some confusion. “To be honest, I thought that, maybe… you were completely focused on Lola! It seemed like you two were really hitting it off– n-not that I thought you two were dating or anything like that! I just mean that, you know, she’s a girl and you’re a guy… plus I know you– I mean, I think I know you… I know you’re a flirt… but, a really sweet guy, too, so I’d just assumed that, maybe, you were trying your luck with her and that she… she…” Winnie gave another light sigh before hugging the fox again. “I was getting jealous,” was the next thing she said. “I’m sorry.” “J-jealous…?” The fox gave a blink. “Y… yes,” she assured with some annoyance – mostly with herself. “Jealous…”

There was another long pause between the two, then. Joseph was trying to process what Winnie had just told him… while Winnie just seemed content to hang on to him. In fact… she seemed to be hanging on to him a little tightly… almost like she’d expected him to suddenly disappear, or something…

“You were jealous of Lola…?” he asked again. Winnie just gave a nod… “Winnie… c’mon, now,” the fox said with a chuckle. “You know how I am.” “Do I, though?” He gave another jolt as Winnie turned her head his way. She looked upset… “What if Lola took you away from us… took you away from me?” she asked, sounding unusually possessive. “I didn’t know how close you two were getting… but, if Lola’s anything like me, she’ll probably fall for your unique charms and… and…” The woodpecker gave a sigh of frustration before burying her face into his chest. “Oh, I must sound so stupid right now… Just… forget I even brought it up! Okay?” “I, uh… I don’t think I really can, now!” She looked back up at his face. He looked a little awkward… but, he was smiling.

“You were really jealous of Lola, huh?” he casually asked. “Yes, darn it…!” she replied with a huff. “How many times are you going to ask that?” “Well, I mean… it’s not like we’re dating or something, Winnie…” “I know that!” she shouted. She then gave another sigh before cuddling in close… “Look, it’s not every day a guy like you comes along, okay? You have a decent sense of humor and have just the right amount of dignity to make the perfect fall-guy for ‘toonish pranks! But, moreover… you’re sensitive, sweet, kind… caring… Loving…” she whispered. The fox gave another blink… “I know it’s selfish to say this, but…” He could feel Winnie swallow before she said, “I didn’t want to share you… A-and… I still don’t.” The fox gave another blink as Winnie shook her head.

“I’m just being stupid, right now… I’m confused and annoyed and… and…” “Jealous?” The bird scowled to herself… “Jealous…” “Can I tell you something, Winnie?” She hesitated… but gave a soft nod. “Truth be told… even after all the awkward pseudo-romance you and I have had… I… wasn’t really sure you’d meant any of it. No offense.” “Wh–?!” Winnie was thrown for a loop. She stared up at the fox, utter bafflement on her face. After a moment, though… that look began to give way… “You… you filthy animal!!” To an ugly, angry one.

The fox gave a startled yelp as Winnie shoved him back against the armrest. His ears folded and fur bristled yet again as he watched her stand up, a look of absolute fury on her face as she glared down at him.

“I cannot believe, not even for a minute,” she yelled, “that, after all we have done and all I have said… that you could possibly have the gall to question my integrity like that! What sort of a woman do you think I am, Joseph Lithius?! Did you honestly think that… all this time… I was letting you be so affectionate… and returning your affections just… just for a laugh?!” Even if the fox had wanted to answer, he hadn’t had the time before he felt Winnie’s gloved hand slap him across the face.

“You are unbelievable, Joseph! And, I most certainly do not mean that as a compliment! What sort of person takes the gift of a girl’s love, handed to them on a silver platter, only to set it down and analyze it like it was some sort of paramecium under a microscope?!” “The kind of guy…” he quietly answered as he rubbed his cheek, “that is too stupid to see what’s been right there in front of him the whole time, apparently…” “No! The kind of guy who– wait, what?” Despite his folded ears and curled tail… Joseph was smiling. Laughing, even! But, rather than anger Winnie more… it just made her feel confused.

“What… why are you laughing?” she awkwardly asked with a frown. “I’m laughing because I’m so damn oblivious!” he said, continuing to smile. Winnie glanced down toward the couch… then to the rear cushions at her side… and, finally, back to the fox… who was apparently amused by his own stupidity. “I’m… not sure what you mean,” she honestly stated. “You have feelings for me,” was his simple answer. “Just like I do for you.” “Well, yeah! But–” “You love me. Don’t you?” The woodpecker crossed her arms and gave a scowl. “Don’t try and guess my emotions,” she calmly warned. “Well… I love you. So, I guess you can stick that under your hat, whatever that means.” Winnie gave a blink of her blue eyes. “Wait, really?” The fox gave a nod… “W– How– how long?” “What?” “How long have you felt this way?” she clarified with a concerned look on her face. “I dunno…” he chuckled. “Longer than I’ve known Lola, though.” “Oh.”

Winnie once again found her eyes looking toward the couch cushions. She was rubbing her arm and wore an awkward expression. For a moment, neither party said a word. Eventually, though… “I’m sorry I slapped you,” Winnie calmly said. “And, I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to,” was Joseph’s laughing reply. Winnie paused… then asked, “You love me, huh?” “I do.” “What… kind of love?” was her next question. “Hm?” He gave a rub of his upper lip. “Let me think…”

Winnie patiently waited as Joseph thought about the question, his eyes on the ceiling and his arms crossed. After several moments, he looked back to the woodpecker with a smile.

“I can summarize it for you, thusly…” he began. “Do I want to hold you for ever-and-ever, give you kisses, make you laugh, and revel in your adoration? Heck yeah! Do I want to deny Woody from all or any of that? Not in the slightest. You are Woody’s girlfriend and he is your boyfriend… and, I will never do anything to change that. Well… nothing on-purpose, I mean. There was those couple of times Woody got mad at me… but, ah, even then!” The fox gave a chuckle. “So, uh, yeah! I love you like that, ma jolie petite rousse.” Winnie gave a blink. “What?” “What?” “What did you say?” “I said, ‘I love you like that.’” “After that.” “‘What?’” “Before that!” “Uh… oh! Right.” He gave a nod. “I said, ‘Ma jolie petite rousse.’ I think.” “Was that French?” She brightly smiled. “It’s really pretty. What does it mean?” “Oh, uh…” The fox bashfully glanced down with a faint blush on his face. “It means, ‘my pretty little redhead.’ Lola’s been teaching me a little–” “You think I’m pretty…?” she softly squeaked, interrupting him. “I… yeah? I mean, why wouldn’t I?” The woodpecker gave a sly grin… “Because I look like Woody in drag?” “Well, I mean, I think he’s kinda cute, too, buuut…” The fox gave a laugh. Winnie joined him after a brief pause. For some reason… she’d stopped to wonder just how serious he’d been with that comment…

“I think you’re very pretty, to be honest,” Joseph continued. “You wear your hair so cutely with that forward quiff… and, I always like how your skirts and dresses look on you… Plus, you have the prettiest blue eyes–” “That you’ve seen in a while?” she interrupted again with a smile. “Um… yeah, actually. How did you–” “You told me that on Christmas Eve, last year.” “W… you remember that?” The fox gave a blink. “Even I forgot I said that…” “Well, I remembered… and, even then, I was a little flattered… But…” She brightly smiled to the fox, her eyelids lowering into a soft, adoring look. “Now that I know you a little better… I’m very flattered…” The fox gave a blush, rubbing the back of his head with a light chuckle… “I’m glad?” “Me, too… handsome.” “H… handsome?” He gave another blink. The look Winnie was giving him… combined with the soft, almost sensual tone of her voice… told him something had changed. The air of awkwardness had been dispelled, replaced by one of affection… maybe even love… He didn’t want to assume as much, though. Just because he loved her didn’t necessarily mean– “By the way…” She paused to grin. “I love you, too, Joseph…”

And, just like that, the fox was stunned. His eyes opened wide, his mouth hung open, and he stared in complete and total awe as Winnie gave a soft, girlish giggle from behind one hand. As he looked, though, he also noticed… she was taking a much more feminine pose than before. Her body was angled somewhat to one direction as she fondly gazed his way, her blue eyes aglow and her eyelashes fluttering. The one hand remained beside her beak as she continued to lightly giggle with a soft, somewhat shy look, while the other arm hung down, bent inward at the elbow as her hand remained loosely clasped with her pinky extended. One of her legs was also bent at the knee, her toes tapping the couch as she stood on the other leg.

“O… oh. Okay,” was all the stunned fox could say, much to her annoyance. “‘Okay?’” she repeated, standing up straight. “That’s all…?” “Um… uh– uh-huh?” “I tell you that I love you and all you can think to say is ‘Oh, okay…?’” The fox gave a swallow, then a nod. He was a little too frazzled to do much else… “Hmm… Hm.” The fox watched as Winnie hopped off the couch and walked around the coffee table. He eventually snapped out of his daze around the same time Winnie had started to root around the small collection of VHS cassette tapes on the entertainment center.

“W… what are you doing?” he asked. “You need a lesson in love, Casanova,” she smartly stated, “so, I’m looking to see if you guys have any romance movies.” “Wh– wait, what?” “When a girl tells you she loves you,” she begun to explain, “you’re not supposed to just stare at her and awkwardly say, ‘Oh, okay.’” Winnie stood up with a cassette in one hand. She brought both hands up, clasping them around the tape as she fondly looked toward the ceiling, girlishly bending one leg once more. “You’re supposed to pull her into your arms… sweep her off her feet… look her deep in the eyes… and, then… kiss her!” The fox gave a blink as Winnie took a casual stance again, giving him an annoyed look. “You’re not supposed to just sit there like a bump on a log, slack-jawed and simple!” “W… well… I…” The girl waved her free finger at him. “That’s just not how it’s done, Mr. Lithius!”

Once again, the fox found himself too stunned to really do much of anything other than watch Winnie continue to poke through the tapes. After a few moments of watching her tail-feathers bob and wag, however, he gave an annoyed scowl and got to his feet.

“Now, I know I suggested a movie to Woody for a stay-at-home Satur-Date… Where is–” But, before the girl could finish her thought, she found herself being lifted around the waist. It didn’t take her long to figure out who was behind it… “What on Earth are you doing, Joseph?” she asked with a curious blink. “Fixing this,” he said, shifting her in his arms. Soon, she found herself being cradled by the taller figure. “Fixing wha– nn!” And, a moment later… she found her beak occupied by his muzzle.

For a moment, she thought about protesting. He’d already blown the perfect opportunity to be romantic with her earlier and the kiss just seemed so… so forced! But, at the same time… “M– mm…” She felt her body grow heavy. Before long, she let go of the tape in her hand, letting it tumble to the floor as she closed her eyes, letting the kiss happen… No… no, she was doing more than that. She was pressing into the kiss… Something about the way he was kissing seemed different from their usual kisses, though… Suddenly, it hit her. The fox, upon her criticism, had taken her into his arms and pressed his lips to hers in one, long, loving kiss… and, she quickly found herself returning the gesture, her arms curling around his shoulders and her body snuggling up closer to his chest. He hadn’t missed his opportunity. He’d made his own opportunity!

“Oh… Joseph…” she called as he withdrew an unknown amount of time later. Even with her fluttering eyelids, she could see the blush on his cheeks… and, the fond look in his beautiful, golden eyes. There was no mistaking it… They had found their moment. However, it seemed like the fox wanted more than just a moment, then… Winnie soon found herself being carried away from the living room… and, into an adjacent area.

The woodpecker gave a blink as she found herself gently placed on a soft, cushiony surface. A quick glance told her it was a bed… He’d brought her into the bedroom. And, that… made her feel very shy. Vulnerable, even… What was Joseph going to do with her, in that room? What did he have in mind? And, most importantly to her… was she really in any mindset to tell him… “No?” The answer to that… as well as the previous questions… suddenly became obvious to her. Even in her euphoric, half-dazed state of mind, she knew… W… we’re going to take things to another level…! Winnie gave a light squeak, bringing her hands over her beak and brightly blushing. Her legs rose just enough for her knees to lock together and she could feel her heart trying to escape her chest. Meanwhile, Joseph was busying himself with adjusting the room’s conditions…

She watched as the blinds of the outside window were closed, keeping any prying eyes from watching them… not that she thought anyone was actually out there. She then watched as the fox walked over to the bedroom door and closed it. That made her think… even if she’d wanted to… there was no escape for her. The last thing he did was to turn the nearby clock radio on. He didn’t bother changing it from the 80s station it was on, however… not that Winnie minded. She always liked 80s music… and, the romantic pop song that played as she nervously lay there could not have been much more fitting to their situation. ‘Stay the night,’ indeed… she thought, despite her apprehension or the time of day.

Finally, after all the preparations had been made, Joseph sat at the side of the bed. One of his hands was on his lap while the other rested on the bedspread. He had a warm, somewhat shy smile as he looked to his companion… “So, here we are…” he nervously said. “Y… yeah…” was her reply. And… that was all either of them could think to say… –––––

She shouldn’t have been watching… Even she knew better. But, for some reason… she found herself unable to tear her eyes away from the scene unfolding before her. It had started to innocently… so sweetly… only for things to rapidly deteriorate into an escapade the likes of which she’d never seen.

She’d only come over to see if Joseph wanted to hang out. Really! But, as she watched events of Apartment 3C unfold through the blinds that day… Lola Bunny couldn’t believe what she’d seen… or, what she’d continued to see.

She’d intended to open the window and climb inside Apartment 3C, just like always. But, as she reached toward the blinds’ drawstring to pull them up… she’d heard a female gasp. From there, her natural curiosity quickly took over…

That day, she watched her friend… her best friend… do things with that little redheaded woodpecker she’d never even considered he might do. She’d watched them become intimately acquainted… gazed on as more-and-more of their clothes left their bodies… and, could do little more than continue to watch while the amber-hued fox she liked so much… made the woodpecker lady cry out for him, the two losing themselves to pure… carnal… pleasure.

Lola’s black eyes stayed glued to the scene playing out in Joseph’s bedroom that day… from its innocent. As soon as she heard them cry out in what she assumed to be their finale, though… she decided that it was time to go. She’d seen enough… and, most likely, way more than she really should have! And, for some reason… the things she’d seen had left an impact on her.

It really bothered her! Just… not in the way it should have, to her thinking.

She held a hand over her chest as she walked away from the rear of the Rubber Arms apartment complex, lost in deep thought while the sights and sounds of the scenario she’d witnessed replayed in her mind… She’d heard that woodpecker call her best friend’s name while crying out in what was without a doubt unbridled ecstasy… and, she’d heard him call to her with similar tones. She’d seen their bodies become entangled and, though she didn’t have the best view, had no doubts about what they’d been doing. There aren’t many things two people do on a bed that makes that kind of noise, after all! But, knowing that Joseph and Winnie were that close… seeing them do that sort of thing… For some reason… it seemed to break something inside of her.

It’s not like they were dating, her and Joseph… She had no reason to be upset. He was free to do whatever… or whoever… he wanted. She knew that. So, why, then…? Why did she feel so bothered by what she’d seen and heard? Was she somehow… jealous? If so, why? While she didn’t know the answer to that, she knew one thing, for certain.

It was going to take a lot of time for her to erase what she’d seen, from her mind…

And… maybe a little bit of alcohol, too.

#commercial characters #The Woody Woodpecker Show #Woody Woodpecker #Winnie Woodpecker #The Looney Tunes Show #Lola Bunny #original characters #Essence of Ragnarok #Joseph Lithius #slice of life #comedy #drama #romance

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