#all the days worries literally gone i cant do shit for the next 7 hours at least

[thefanficmonster]

Take That!

Corpse Husband & Reader (Female) ft. Streamer Gang

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Suppressed Sadness, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: What is a friend? Your smile through the tears. The umbrella over your head when it starts raining. The ointment to your wound. But if you wanna put it in a more literal manner, a friend is something that doesn’t have a concrete definition. It can be the person you sit next to in class or the person who’s hundreds of miles away from you and you’re connected to through a Discord call.

Requested by Anon. Hello dear! Thank you so much for your request, sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post it but here it finally is and I hope you enjoy the read if you happen to come across the fic. Love, Vy ❤

There are those days when I wake up excited for a new day. There are also those days when the thought of playing Among Us with my friends is all that gets me out of bed. And then there are those days when not even that can get me to budge. Today is one of those days.

I’d still be in bed right now had I not needed to use the bathroom. On my way back to hide under my covers, I heard my cat’s meow from the kitchen, reminding me she needed to be fed. After tending to that task I just sort of lost will to return to bed either. Speaking truthfully, today is a will-less day. The type of day where I have no idea what to do with myself because I feel so odd and uncomfortable: heavy and bustling head, motivation below zero no matter whether I have zero tasks to tend to or a mountain high pile of work. It’s a laying on the floor and letting my mind eat away at me type of day and I can’t say I appreciate it.

The only thing I have to look forward to is the game of Among Us Corpse invited me to yesterday. Had I known I’d wake up feeling like absolute shit, I wouldn’t have accepted. I just know I’ll be a downer the whole time because I suck at covering up how I feel - my smiling masks and faux happiness don’t cut it but staying quiet is even worse because I’m typically and energetic and bubbly person, always having something to say or a comment to add to the conversation. Always looking to make people laugh.

Well, it’s hard to make people laugh when you feel like a deflated balloon.

I can’t describe the feeling any better than that - I feel empty, maybe a little sad somewhere in the mix, unmotivated. I keep these feelings to myself cause whenever I bring them up people just blow me off, saying I’m describing laziness but more dramatically. Either that or burnout which is sometimes the case, but I’m more than sure that it’s not the culprit for today. You can only blame burnout so many times.

Anyway, I make a mental note, promising myself I’m not gonna bail on my friends regardless of whether my mood gets better or worse. Who knows, maybe a gaming session with them is exactly what I need.

                                                              *  *  *

Not much has changed with my emotional state - I’ve spent a good chunk of the day surfing through TV channels and my socials with nothing else to occupy my mind but the overwhelming knowledge that I’m not feeling ok and that hyperawareness of a void that I feel but cannot describe. At one point, Corpse sent me a text to confirm I’d be participating in the gaming session and I was this close to saying no. This close to coming up with some bullshit excuse and bailing but I didn’t, thankfully. 

Here’s the thing about this drop in mood of mine - I know it’s gonna be gone by morning. It bullies me, beats and batters me for only twenty four hours - never more, never less. Like clockwork and as precise as a Swiss watch. And so fucking annoying. No matter what I do, I can’t end it prematurely and I can never wake up feeling down and unmotivated the next morning - there’s always a surge of motivation coursing through me and it drives me to be super productive as if making up for what I didn’t do the previous day when I was in the dumps.

It’s a twisted way of it showing me I’m powerless and at the mercy of a force that, despite being mine and existing within me, I’m completely unfamiliar with. It’s so fucking unfair, it’s disheartening.

“Hi everyone! Sorry I’m late.“ I greet the five people who have already gathered in the Discord call and the Among Us lobby.

Yeah, sorry I’m late, I was contemplating not showing up at all last minute

“Don’t worry about it, many people are running late as you can see.“ Rae replies reassuringly, “How’s your day? Anything spectacular happen?“

I can’t help but scoff, “Yeah sure, a TON of spectacularism in my life on the daily. From the large stack of papers I couldn’t bring myself to touch, to the dusty surfaces all over my apartment I didn’t convince myself to clean - it’s all fabulous over here.”

Fuck, that was too real

“Whoa, where’d all this sarcasm come from?“ Rae asks, sounding genuinely baffled rather than teasing, “It’s never been your strong suit.“

“Neither has unproductivity.“ Corpse, my best friend, chimes in, “Everything ok?“

Well, I admit, I should’ve known better than to have an outburst like that in front of people who have known me for a while now and can probably gauge my emotions even without me admitting to them. I truly don’t know where it came from. Hell, I didn’t even see it coming.

“Nah, it’s ok. I’m just being lazy, I guess.” I’m quick to withdraw and brush off any suspicion. The last thing I want is to worry my friends or, even worse, receive the same response from them: that I’m being dramatic, that I’m attention-seeking, that I’m just lazy and unmotivated as are most people of my generation.

“You know, what people often self-diagnose as ‘laziness’ often turns out to be something more serious. I don’t mean to scare you, but it could be depression.“ Corpse says after a brief moment of silence in the call, his voice soft and cautious as if explaining a complex problem to a kid who’s bound to be hurt by what it’s told.

I can’t help but chuckle. He has no idea how much he’s relieved me by saying that. I always ‘don’t want to talk about it’ and ‘want to change the subject’ while what I truly need happens to be the complete opposite. I need someone to hear me out, I need someone who will not brush me and my concerns off like we don’t matter. I need someone who’ll understand. And if these people who have openly struggled with anxiety or depression don’t get me, who will?

“Yeah, I genuinely thought I thought of myself as a lowlife while I was in college cause I started losing motivation for everything and started fearing what was to come. I began avoiding going out and talking to people cause I felt like I was the sore thumb in the friend group I had - the only one without any specific goal or a dream.“ Leslie says out of the blue, “Turns out I suffered through a burnout so bad it turned into an anxiety/depression combo that I just blamed on being a lazy college student.“

“Same here!“ Toast pipes in, “I was bedridden for a while during the first days of my streaming career, for a very ridiculous reason - I believed I didn’t deserve the attention I was getting and I wasn’t doing as well as people gave me credit for. So that had me crippled with self-doubt for a long while.“

“I still don’t believe I’m doing as well as I get credit for, but oh well.“ Leslie laughs, “I already told you all about my dumpster-fire of a brain, so I’m instead gonna say: what you need is an appointment with a therapist. Also - you need to stop underestimating your struggles. Invalidating yourself and what you’re going through is gonna make things only worse for you. You need to love yourself.“

“And you need us!“ Rae exclaims, “You need the best support you can get and, lucky for you, we’re the best in the business. Count on us always being there for you, Y/N. Cause we always will be.“

“You’re never alone. We’re all just a call or a text away. Especially me.“ Corpse adds, “I’m basically at your service 24/7, just like you’ve always been for me. What are best friends for if not sharing mental struggles and lifting each other up afterwards?“

I don’t know when this smile made its home on my face but it seems to be rather happy with where it is and wants to stay. Something tells me that thanks to these guys, it will indeed stay there for quite some time. And every time it tries to slip away, they’ll be there to bring it back.

“Then let’s lift each other up, shall we? I mean, what better way to do it other than killing each other and getting away with it?“ I attempt a giggle, hiding my emotions behind it like my life depends on it. Chances are they heard all I’m feeling in my voice, but I can only hope they’re not gonna mention it.

“Y/N, hun, I’m sorry to burst your bubble but....you never get away with it.“ Corpse wheezes, causing me to narrow my eyes and frown.

“Oh, you’re so gonna get it now!“ I exclaim, cracking my knuckles before getting my hands on my keyboard, “Start the game! I have a point to prove!“

And just like that, in what felt like the blink of an eye, the clouds have shuffled aside to make path for the sunshine to grace my brain with positivity I was not expecting to feel until tomorrow morning. I can’t give myself the credit for that though - it all goes to these amazing people I have the honor of calling friends.

I may have no power over it on my own, but with the gang’s help, I can take full control of it. And as a middle finger to the melancholy, I’ll do it all with a bright smile on my face.

Take that, brain!

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[eddieismypimp]

Tough times Oscar X Reader

@spoonful-of-sugar8 @chonisberonica here you go babies :) sorry it took me so long, I wanted it to be good. I still feel like it's bad but I didn't wanna make you guys wait any longer.

request: you and spooky have been bestfriends since high school. you have always been there for the core four and basically helped Oscar raise Cesar. Cesar sees you as a mother figure and eventually you and Oscar get together.  A/N: just a real quick thing, this story won't really be the same as the show it won't be totally different either, and in this Oscar has just turned 18, the reader is 17, and Cesar is 7. ALSO, I'm a black woman so the "reader" (you guys) will always be a black woman. but, if you want any other race or gender or anything please let me know because I don't want anyone to feel left out.<3

warnings: cussing, a little bit of arguing, and i tried not to put so many time skips like my other stories but there's still a lot so its kind of messed up in my eyes.                           

                                                         Y/N POV

"Ugggggggh." I groaned out loud hearing my phone alarm go off. I fucking hate that sound with a passion. I looked at the time. 6:30 a.m. "Uuuuugh, fuuuuck meeee." I exclaimed as I quite literally rolled out of bed. School starts at 8 but I take about 30 years to get ready. I laid my outfit which consisted of sweatpants and a t-shirt. I real life dress bummy as fuck. Don't get me wrong, I clean up nice, but like... I don't got no one to impress. I took a quick shower and did my hair before I got dressed. It was almost 7:40 so I grabbed my phone and my backpack and headed out to my car. My car wasn't nothing fancy considering I was ACTUALLY POOR, just a grey Subaru. but it was absolutely everything to me. I hooked up to my aux and started driving.                                                  

                                                    -time skip-

7:55. Made it to school with 5 minutes to spare so I went to my locker to grab the books for my first class, math. I'm not the smartest but I love math. The teacher was nice and working with numbers was lowkey easier for me. I walked in and saw my best friend. Oscar. Damn he's fine with his full head of curls and sexy ass smile. I thought to myself. Okay bitch, you need to pull yourself together, don't be acting no type of way. I took the seat next to him. "Hey boo." I said smiling at him. "Hey." He said back with a smile. We conversed for a while until the teacher walked in and started the class.

                                    -time skip to the end of the school day-

"Finally bro, this day lasted forever." I said as me and Oscar walked to my car. "You need a ride?" I asked him. "Yeah, if it's not to much to ask." He said. He's been quiet all day. "Of course it's not to much to ask you crackhead." I said laughing a little. We got in my car. "What’s wrong Oscar?" I asked. " You been quiet all day." He just shrugged. "Come on, Oscar." I pleaded. "You can tell me anything, you know that." We sat there for a minute in complete silence. "It's my dad..." He started. I immediately grew worried because I knew that Oscar and his dad didn't have the best relationship. I didn't say anything and waited until he continued. "He wants me to take over the santos ." He said quietly. "Oh fuck.." I said under my breath. This is not good. "Well... is there anything we can do?" I asked full of concern. He shook his head. I got teary eyed. I do NOT want Oscar in this life. He has so much potential. "Oscar, he cant expect this from you... you're only 17. Isn't there anyone else that can take his place? Why does it have to be you?" I said. "Who's gonna take care of you and Cesar?" "There's no one else Y/N! It can only be me don't you see that?!" He yelled. I jumped at his sudden outburst, he NEVER yells. "Cesar and I have no one but the santos so I have to do this!" He said a little quieter this time but his voice was still loud. "Oscar, let me help you. " I said quietly. "You can't Y/N, there's nothing you can do..." He said. I knew he was right but I wasn't about to let him go through this shit alone. "At least let me be there for you and Cesar... please." I begged him. He sat there for a second before he finally gave in and nodded. I sighed. I gave his hand a light squeeze before I started my car and began the journey to his house. We arrived at his house and he was about to get out of the car when I stopped him. "Do you want me to come in?" I asked. He shook his head. "I think it's best if you go home right now." He said. That hurt... "Oh. Okay... call me if you need me." I said. I hope he didn't hear the sadness in my voice. I waited until he walked inside before I drove off.                        

                                                    -time skip-

It was currently 9 p.m. and I haven't heard from Oscar all day. I was worried. I got my pajamas on and layed down, turning on netflix. I was about an hour into clueless when I saw my bedroom door open. The fuck? My parents are on a business trip. I got up quick as shit ready to fight whoever it was when I saw Oscar limping into my room. I forgot he had a house key. I couldn't see his face because he had a hood on and he was bent over in what seemed to be pain, but I knew it was him. "Oscar..." "Are you okay?" I asked. He limped over to my bed and threw himself down with a groan. I finally got a glimpse of his face and gasped. It was bloody and bruised. "Oscar.. what the fuck happened boo?" I asked worried, sitting down next to him. He was breathing heavy. He took his hood off and I nearly cried. His beautiful curls... they were gone. "Oscar...please." "Tell me what happened." I pleaded. "I... I got jumped in.." He said between pants as he took off his hoodie and I saw all of the bruises. That's when the water works started. I hugged him as I cried. This is it.. it's official now. He's part of the santos.                      

                                                -the next morning-

I don't know when I fell asleep but when I woke up, Oscar was no where to be found. I teared up again thinking about the events that occurred last night. My poor baby... I didn't want to go to school today but at least it was Friday. I threw on some leggings and a hoodie. I brushed my hair into a bun and grabbed my stuff. I arrived at school at 7:50 and just headed straight to class. I didn't see Oscar anywhere. This is gonna be a long day.                                           

                                                   -time skip- 

It was lunchtime and this day could not have been going by slower. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore and walked out of the cafeteria to go to my car. I drove to Oscars house. When I got there, I saw a few santos sitting in his front lawn. I recognized them. They were cool people. "Hey, any of y 'all seen Oscar?" I asked walking up to them. Alejandro answered. "Yeah, he's inside with Cesar." "Thank you." I thanked him and walked inside the house. I didn't need to knock since I've known Oscar for like, 4 years now. I heard Oscar and Cesar in one of the back rooms so I followed their voices. I quietly peeked through the door to see Oscar and Cesar playing with hot wheels. The sight real life warmed my heart. Oscar is really good with kids. "BOOM, know your car is blowed up!" Cesar yelled.(I'm sorry, idfk how children talk) "Hey man, that's totally not fair!" Oscar whined. I giggled at how childish he sounded. At the sound of my giggle, Cesar and Oscar's gaze turned towards me in the doorway. He smiled and got up off the floor as Cesar ran towards me and hugged my abdomen. "Hi baby." I said ruffling his hair. "Y/N! I missed you!" Cesar said hugging me tighter. "I missed you too my darling." I said smiling and kissing the top of his head. Oscar walked up to us and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Why aren't you in school?" He asked. "I was worried about you...how are you feeling?" I asked him. "I'm alright, still sore though." He said. I just nodded sadly. "Why isn't Cesar in school?" I asked him as I looked at Cesar who went back to playing with his hot wheels like we didn't exist. "Our father got arrested this morning." He said, my eyes widened with worry. "So I told him he could stay home with me today." He said. "Awww." I said. "Oh come on, don't get all gushy on me." He said laughing. His laugh caused me to laugh too. "So.. would you and Cesar wanna go to the beach with me to get your mind off things?" I asked him. At the mention of going to the beach, Cesar jumped up from his spot on the floor. 'Yeah! I wanna go!" He jumped up and down in excitement. "I guess now you ain't got no choice." I said grinning at Oscar who huffed in fake annoyance. "Okay, okay. Fine." He said. "Go get ready." He told Cesar. "Yayy!" Cesar yelled as he ran to get ready. "Go get ready, I'll wait for you guys in the living room." I said to Oscar, standing on my tip toes to kiss his cheek. "Alright." He said. I sat in the living room for about 10 minutes until they finally came out. Cesar ran up to me hugging me again. This kid is so clingy and it's the cutest thing ever. "You guys ready to go?" I asked looking down at Cesar. "Yup!" He said cutely. I smiled at him. We all piled into my car and started off for the beach. Oscar and I was so deep into conversation that I didn't even realize we were already at the beach until I heard Cesar yelling. "Yay, the beach!" I laughed. We got out the car and Cesar started running towards the sand. "Aye! Stay close to us." Oscar yelled out to Cesar which made him stop dead in his tracks and wait for us to catch up. I smiled. He was such a good kid. We sat our towels down. Cesar kicked his flip flops off and dashed towards the water. "Don't go to far into the water Cesar." I called out to him. "Okay." He yelled back. When I turned back around, Oscar was sitting down on his towel. I took off my shorts and top so I was in my bathing suit. Oscar was watching Cesar. "You wanna get in the water with us boo?" I asked. He shook his head. "Nah, I don't want Cesar to see the bruises." I looked at him sadly. "Are you in pain right now? Do you need anything?" I asked him full of concern. He chuckled at me. "Nah boo, I'm okay at the moment." "Okay, let me know if you need anything." I said kissing his cheek and walking towards the water to swim with Cesar.                             

                                                   Oscars POV

She's to good to us... I don't know what I did to deserve her. If it wasn't for her, we would have literally nobody. I thought to myself. I just sat back and watched how well she got a long with Cesar. That kid really loves her.                          

                                                      Y/N POV 

After about an hour of me and Cesar acting complete fools in the water, and Oscar laughing at us. We got out and hung out with Oscar so he wouldn't feel left out. After a while of us running around chasing each other, we got hungry. "Do you guys wanna go to Dwayne's and get some food?" I asked them. "Yeah!" Cesar said. "Yeah, that sounds good." Oscar responded almost the same time as Cesar. We got back in my car and went to Dwayne's. We sat down, Cesar and I on one side of the booth and Oscar across from us. Dwayne came up to us to take our order.                       

                                                    -time skip-

"That was great." I said smiling at Oscar as he put Cesar in his bed. After we ate , lil baby passed out. "Yeah, today was amazing. We really needed that." He said pulling me into a hug. I smiled up at him. We just looked at each other for a while. Then he kissed me. It caught me off guard but I kissed back anyway. It was a quick kiss. It ended way sooner than I would have liked. "What was that for?" I asked him quietly. "Just... for being you I guess." He said shyly which I thought was the cutest because Oscar is anything but shy. I chuckled a little. I pulled back after realizing we were still so close. "Uh, I gotta go." I said. "Okay, I'll see you later I guess." He said. I walked away smiling. When I got in my car, I was still smiling. When I arrived home, I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss. Even though it probably meant nothing to Oscar, it meant everything to me. I decided to take a shower. After my shower, I instantly fell asleep, worn out from the beach. When I woke up, the sound of someone knocking on my door made me unwillingly get out of my bed. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and opened the door to see Oscar and Cesar standing there. "Y/nnnn!" Cesar said jumping into my arms. "Hi baby." I said kissing the side of his head and putting him back on his feet. "Hi." I said to Oscar giving him a kiss on the cheek and ushering them inside. I closed the door behind them. "What brings you guys over at 11 in the morning?" I asked goofily. Oscar chuckled. "I have to drop Cesar off over at Ruby's for a playdate with all the kids and I wanted to know if you wanted to spend the day with me. I tried to contain my smile but I couldn't help it. Maybe that kiss did mean something to him. "Yeah, I would love that." I said. "Just let me get ready okay?" "Alright, we'll be waiting for you." Oscar said leading Cesar into the living room and turning on some cartoons. I ran to my room and threw on a flowy white dress with different colored flowers on it and some white sandals. I put my hair in a high bun with two braids in the front. I grabbed my phone and my purse. "Okay guys, I'm ready whenever you are." I said walking into the living room to see them watching Tom and Jerry. They're cute. I thought to myself. Cesar stood up and ran over to me as Oscar stood up and turned the t.v. off. I grabbed Cesar's hand and we walked out to Oscar's sexy red car. We all got in the car. "Cesar, you buckled?" Oscar asked. "Yes." Cesar said with his cute little voice. Oscar nodded his head before starting the car and driving off. The next 10 minutes consisted of comfortable silence. We arrived at Ruby's house and Cesar had already unbuckled ready to dip out this car to go see his friends. "Hold on baby, you gotta wait until we park." I said to him giggling as he pouted. We all got out of the car and Cesar ran up to the door. Geny opened the door for us and we walked inside. "Bye Cesar." Oscar said kissing the top of Cesar's head. "Bye baby." I said giving Cesar a small hug. Cesar and Ruby joined Monse and Jamal in the play room. I smiled as I heard them giggling and just having fun. They're my favorites. "You ready to go?" Oscar asked me. "Yeah." I said smiling at him. "Where are we going?" I asked him as we got in his car. "I got some drop offs, then imma take you to dinner." He said nonchalantly. "Mr. Diaz, is this a date?" I asked jokingly. "I mean, it could be." He said shrugging his shoulders. I was shocked for a second but played it off as if it was nothing. "I just wanted to thank you for being there for Cesar and I. We had a really good time yesterday." "No problem Osc." I said smiling at him. We arrived at his first drop off. Not gonna lie, it was kind of scary being with him when he did this but I was to giddy about our "date" to be sketched out. After a few more stops, we we were on our way to dinner. "Are you gonna tell me where we're going?" I asked him for the hundredth time. "Girl no, its a surprise." He said. "Uuuuuugh" I groaned. He laughed at me. I giggled as we pulled up to Dwayne's. "What you laughin at me for fool?" He asked looking hurt. "Sorry I didn't take you to a five star restaurant." "I'm not laughing at you fool, I think you're cute." I said pushing him slightly. "And I don't care that its not a fancy restaurant, I love Dwayne's." I said. He smiled at me and got out the car. I followed his lead and got out as well. "The fuck is wrong with you fool?" He asked me. I looked at him mad confused. "A man is supposed to open the door for a lady." He said seriously. "Oh shit, that's my bad. You want me to get back in the car?" I asked jokingly. "Yes, I do." We laughed and walked into Dwayne's. We sat down at a booth and were immediately greeted by Dwayne himself. "Hey guys, can I start you off with some drinks?" He asked. "Ladies first." Oscar said looking at me. "I'll take a sprite please." "I'll take a coke." "Alright, do you guys already know what you're going to order or do you need more time?" He asked us. "I already know what I want." I said. "I'll take the barbeque chicken please." I said smiling at him. "Okay, how about you Oscar?" He asked. "I'll just take a burger with a side of fries." He said. "You're so basic." I said laughing. Dwayne laughed too. "So y 'all gangin up on me now?" Oscar asked. I laughed again. "Nah, I'm just playin." He said laughing too. We talked for about 30 minutes until Dwayne brought our food out. "About time, fool." Oscar said. "Hey, watch it. I can take this food and give it to someone else." Dwayne said jokingly. Oscar put his hands up in surrender as I laughed. (I laugh WAY to much in real life, like my sense of humor is actually fucked so I'm sorry if I'm putting to much laughter in this lmao) Everything was going amazing, the food was good and spending time with Oscar was very much needed. It was great to see him laughing. One second we was laughing, the next, Oscars eyes went cold as he stared at the door of Dwayne's. I turned around in confusion to see what he was looking at. My heart dropped. There was two officers walking towards Oscar and I. I turned back to Oscar and grabbed his hands. "It's gonna be okay boo. They probably just wanna talk." I said in a quiet voice trying to comfort him. They walked up to the table. I gulped trying to hide my fear. "Are you Oscar Diaz?" One of the officers asked. "Yeah." Oscar said nonchalantly. The officer pulled out his cuffs. "You're under arrest for illegal drug trafficking." I gasped. I started crying as they put the cuffs on him and read him his Miranda rights. "Hey, hey, look at me." Oscar said. "It's gonna be alright. Tell Cesar I love him." I shook my head in shock. "Please, he didn't do anything." I begged. They didn't listen. They kept dragging him out like he was a dog. I was full on having a panic attack now as Dwayne hugged me. I stood there in disbelief for a few minutes before I came to my senses. I had to go get Cesar. As much as I wanted to go home and never leave my house again, I couldn't leave Cesar alone. Oscar keys must have fell out of his pocket because they were on the seat. I picked them up and ran out to the car. There was so many emotions running through me right now. I had to calm down before I got Cesar, I didn't want him to see me upset. Fuck... how was I gonna tell Cesar...                       

                                                  -time skip-

I pulled up in front of Geny's. I got out and took a deep breath before I knocked on her door. She opened and her face fell. "What happened mija?" She asked with worry. I teared up again. She took me in her arms and lead me into the house. Luckily all the kids were in the play room. "Oscar.. he got arrested." I said trying not to full on cry in Geny's house. She gasped and pulled me into a hug. I let go and wiped my eyes after I regrouped. "Can you get Cesar for me please?" I asked her. "Of course." She said walking towards the playroom. I took the extra time to make myself look as happy as possible. Cesar ran to me and hugged my torso. "Hey boo, how was your day?" I asked him. "It was awesome!" He said happily. I smiled at him. "Where's Oscar?" He asked innocently. I almost broke down but I held it together. "Um, he had some stuff he had to do so he let me borrow the car." I said trying to sound as convincing as possible. I don't think he bought it but he still went along with it anyway. "Oh okay.." "You ready to go?" I asked as I rubbed his head. "Yeah." He said smiling at me. We walked out to the car. "Can I sit in the front pleaseeee?" He asked. "Just one time, Oscar doesn't have to know." He said sweetly. "Okay, but only this one time." I said smiling as he cheered. We got in the car and drove to my house. "how would you like it if I stayed with you for a few nights?" I asked Cesar. "Yeah!" He yelled. I laughed. "Okay." I parked and we walked into my house. "Here boo." I said handing him the remote. Watch whatever you want while I go pack some clothes." "Okay" He said sitting on the couch and turning the t.v. on. I walked in my room and shut the door behind me. I was really trying not to cry right now, I didn't want Cesar to worry. I grabbed my duffle bag and put as many clothes as I could fit, my personal hygiene stuff and basically anything that I would need to live. After I gathered up all of my stuff, I walked around the house and made sure the lights and stuff were off since I wasn't gonna be here for a while. I walked into the living room after making sure everything was turned off and everything. "You ready to go baby?" I asked him. "Yes." He said getting up and turning the t.v. off. We got in my car and drove to the santos house. "What you want for dinner boo?" I asked him. "Uhh.... chicken!" He said. "Okay boo, go play and i'll start dinner." I said kissing his head. About an hour and a half later, dinner was done. I made baked barbeque chicken, fried potatoes, green beans with bacon and baked mac and cheese. I made our plates and called for Cesar. Immediately after I said grace, little man dug in. He was done in about 15 minutes. "Damn boo, was you hungry?" I said laughing a little. He just giggled and went into the living room. I smiled to myself. I love that kid. I finished eating and did the dishes. I decided I had to tell Cesar. It was now or never. I walked in the living room where Cesar was laying on the couch, watching amazing world of gumball. He looked at me and smiled as I sat next to him. I smiled back, but it was a sad smile. "What's wrong y/n?" He asked full of concern. He was pretty smart for a seven year old and he could pick up on peoples emotions really easily. " Cesar... there's something I have to tell you." I said turning my body on the couch to face him. "What is it?" He said sitting up. I didn't know how to sugar coat it so I just told him straight up. "Oscar got arrested today.." I said looking down at my hands. It was silent for a while until I heard sniffling. Cesar was crying. "Come here baby." I said pulling him into a hug. "It's gonna be okay boo, I'm gonna be right here with you. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you." I said kissing the top of his head and rubbing his back in a soothing way.                       

                                                 8 Years Later

Today is the day Oscar gets out. It's been eight years. The night I told Cesar, he took it pretty badly. But after a while, he got used to it being just me. We did pretty well too, for me only being 18 taking care of a 7 year old. I got us an apartment after I found it way to painful to stay in the santo house without Oscar. We grew closer and he was for real like my son now. I looked over at Cesar. "You excited boo?" I asked him. "Yeah, just a little nervous though." He said. "It'll be okay baby." I said kissing the top of his head.  After another few minutes of waiting, I started getting anxious. Finally, the gates opened and I saw Oscar. He looked so different. I mean, of course Cesar and I visited him but... there was something different about him. He had a few new tattoos also. He ran up to us and scooped Cesar up in his arms. He got hella buff. "I missed you hermano." He said. "I missed you too." He put Cesar down and turned to look at me. I gave him a soft smile. "Hey boo." He said goofily, picking me up and kissing my cheek. "I missed you so much." I whispered. "I missed you too." He put me down. "Okay, lets get you home, I bet you're hungry." I said handing him the keys and walking to the car. We stopped at a taco truck before making our way back to Freeridge. After an hour and a half of driving, we finally made it back to the santos house. There was hella santos in the front lawn waiting for us to get home with Oscar. "God it's good to be home." Oscar said as he parked the car. He got out and was swarmed with hella santos. Cesar and I got out the car. I stood back and watched as Oscar chatted up with Cesar and the santos. I didn't know all of their names but I got close with a few of them during these 8 years. Especially Jose, whos better known as sad eyes around here. Speaking of the devil, he walked up to me. "Why ain't you over there with the others?" I asked him. "I figured I would wait until everyone wasn't crowdin him. We got all the time in the world now." He said. "True, true." I said. We stood in silence for a while. "Hey, I just wanted to say that just because Oscar is back, doesn't mean I'm gonna act some type a way around you. It's gonna be just like how it was when he was locked up, I don't got nothin to hide." He said. I smiled at him. "Okay, that's good because I didn't want you to treat me different." He chuckled. We stood there and talked for a while. I didn't even notice that the santos had left and Oscar was walking up to me and Jose. "Hey compa, how was it in the pin?" Jose asked as he dapped Oscar up. They both laughed. Oscar wrapped his arm around my shoulders and kissed my cheek. Him and Jose chatted up for a while, catching up with me joining in occasionally. At some point in their conversation, Oscar had moved his arm off of my shoulders. "Alright homie, imma head out and let you get some rest." Jose said dapping Oscar up once again. He turned and kissed my cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow." He said. " Bye." I said smiling and giving him a small wave.                                                 Oscars POV

The fuck kinda shit was that. Why my boy kissin on my girl like that. He knows she's my wifey.                                                   Y/N POV

"You ready to head inside?" I asked looking at Oscar. "Yeah." He said wrapping his arm around my shoulder, leading me inside. I yawned. "i should really be heading home." I said. "Oh come on, it's my first day back, why don't you spend the night" He asked. I thought about it for a second. "Alright, I'll stay, but only for tonight." I said. Oscar smiled at me. Cesar was in the living room watching t.v. He smiled when he saw us walk in and got up to hug his brother. They both sat on the couch as I made my way into Oscar's room where I still had some clothes. I decided on some Nike shorts and a plain grey shirt. I hopped in the shower. About 45 minutes later, I got out. I moisturized, brushed my hair and got dressed. When I walked in the living room, they were both asleep and Cesar had his head on Oscar. It was the cutest thing ever. I took a picture right quick and went to get them a blanket and pillows. Oscar was awake when I got back. "You take for fucking ever in the shower." He said tiredly, rubbing his eyes I chuckled. "My bad." I said. I lifted Cesar's head gently and put the pillow down, then I covered him up. "You can crash with me if you want." Oscar said walking towards his room. I followed behind him. We layed down facing each other. For a few minutes, it was quiet until Oscar spoke up. "Y/n.. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you. I love you so much." I was at a loss for words. This is one of the very very few times I've seen Oscar this vulnerable. "I love you too Osc.." I said. He leaned in and kissed me. That kiss soon turned into a full on make out session and that turned to something else.                       

                                                  -3 weeks later-

It's been 3 weeks since Oscar got out of prison, 3 weeks since we shared that intimate moment. I've been staying at my apartment since that night and I've only hung around a few times. Cesar and the rest of the kids was at my apartment everyday for the first two weeks but stopped coming after that. I was confused as to why but I didn't question it. I didn't wanna hang out with everyone even though I missed Oscar so much. He's been pretending that night didn't happen and I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to force things. He started being more involved in the gang shit after a week of being out. I thought going to prison would put some sense in him and I'm very disappointed to find out that it in fact did not. I decided I was going to talk to him about everything that's been on my mind after work today... I hope things go well.                           

                                                     -time skip-

It was finally 9:30. The end of my shift. I gathered my things before walking and locking the building doors. I decided I was gonna go straight to the santo house to talk to Oscar instead of going home first. When I got there, there was only a few santos sitting outside, including Oscar and Jose. I got out of my car and walked up. "Hey guys." I said as Jose stood up and kissed my cheek. Oscar glared at him. "Can I talk to you for a second Oscar?" I asked. "Yeah." He said a little to quickly, getting up and walking to the house. I followed behind him. He spoke up when we got inside. "What kind of shit was that?" He asked. "What the hell are you talking about?" I asked in utter confusion. "Why was sad eyes all up on you like that?" He asked calmly. I'm glad he wasn't like those dudes that be yelling and shit, that shit ain't attractive. "It ain't even like that." I said. "Oh, okay. It ain't like that but he's kissin on you?" He said, not believing a word I said. "Oscar... chill out. It for real ain't like that. We just got close when you were locked up. He's like family." I said calmly. "Alright.. I'm sorry." He said. "It's okay.. but you have me confused." "How's that?" He asked. "One minute you act like you don't care about me and like that night meant nothing, and the next you're getting mad cause someone else kissed my cheek... like I just don't understand you." I said. He sighed. "Y/n... it's complicated right now." "How is it complicated Osc, just tell me how you feel." I said softly. "Please." "I love you.. and you know I do. I just... don't want anything bad to happen to you." He said looking down at his hands. I started laughing. "Hey, this shit isn't funny." He said sounding a little hurt. "It's not that Oscar, I just think you're cute." I said as I walked up to him and squished his cheeks, kissing his puffed up lips. He smiled at me. "So are we official or nah?" I asked him. "We are if you wanna be." He said. I smiled and kissed him again. " I'll take that as a yes." He said when I pulled away, causing me to life. He smiled and pulled me into a hug. "Where's Cesar?" I asked. "I want to tell him the good news." Oscar stayed silent. I didn't like that at all. Usually when he's silent that means something is wrong. "Oscar.. what's going on?" I asked. "You don't need to worry about it y/n." He said, all emotion wiped clean from his voice. "Don't need to worry about it?" I repeated incredulously. "Cesar is like my son, where the fuck is he?" I asked getting a little upset. I didn't get to upset and I didn't raise my voice because I didn't wanna ruin the cute moment we just had. "Oscar please tell me." I said growing more worried. "I don't know where he is.." He said finally. "What?..." I asked. "How do you not know where he is?" I asked. "I.. I had to kick him out." He said. "You had to do what?" I asked very upset. "Why would you do that Oscar, he's 15 years old, and you just got out of prison. All he wanted to do was spend time with you." I was starting to get teary eyed. I really did not want to cry right now. "Y/n I know but he disrespected the gang. When I had him jumped in.." I cut him off. "Hold the fucking phone.. you had my baby jumped in and you didn't talk to me about it first?! I told you I didn't want him in that life no matter what and you agreed." I said not being able to believe what I was hearing. "Y/n.. you have no say in this. I'm sorry but you don't..." He said. "I really can't believe this right now, we were having such a cute moment..." I was very upset right now. "Y/n, I'm sorry. I'm gonna make this right I promise." He said standing up and grabbing my hands. "I really hope so Oscar..." I said pulling my hands away from his. "I gotta go." I said walking out of the front door, Oscar followed behind me but didn't try to stop me. "Aye, where you going?" Jose asked standing in front of me, pulling me in a hug. "I gotta go find Cesar." I said pulling away from the hug. He looked at Oscar shocked. I got in my car and made my way to Monse's, she had to know where he was. I was very upset that he didn't immediately come to me but I decided to push that thought to the back of my mind and focus on making sure my baby was safe. I got to Monse's and jogged to the front door, knocking a little to loudly. She opened it after a few seconds. "Y/n.. what are you doing here?" She asked. "Have you seen Cesar?" I asked worried. I was praying she had seen him. "Uh, yeah. He's here." She said. Oh thank God. "You can come in if you'd like." "Thank you so much." I said walking in as she closed the door behind me. I walked to her bedroom and saw Cesar laying on her bed. He immediately sat up when he realized it was me. I walked up to him and hugged him. "I'm so glad you're alright. Oscar told me what happened." I said kissing his head. "Where in your mind did you not think to come to my house, that's your house too and you know it is." I said lightly slapping his arm between each word. "Ow, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He said. "I didn't want you to worry." He said. I frowned sadly. "I'm always gonna worry about you boo, no matter what. Same goes for Monse, Ruby, and Jamal. You guys are my babies." I said pulling them both into a hug this time. "Please, come stay with me. You can come too if you'd like Monse." I said in a soft voice. "Okay.. we'll come. Just let us gather up our things." Cesar said smiling at me. I smiled back. "Okay, I'll be waiting for you." I walked out of her bedroom and into the living room. About 5 minutes later, they walked out with their bags of clothes. "You guys ready?" I asked. "Yup" They both replied. We got in my car and drove to the apartment. When we got there, they invited the other two. I made us all dinner and we had a fun little movie night. I woke up the next morning to loud knocks on my front door. What the hell? I thought as I unwillingly got out of bed. When I walked in the living room, I saw Jamal and Ruby sprawled all over each other on the couch. I giggled. They're the cutest. I didn't see Monse and Cesar so I figured they were in Cesar's room. I opened the door to reveal Oscar. "Osc, what are you doing here?" I asked moving out of the way so he could walk in. "I need to talk to Cesar, I know he's here." He said looking into the living room seeing Ruby and Jamal sprawled on the couch. "Yeah, he's here, but he's sleeping right now." I said as he pushed past me walking down the hallway. He didn't know which room was Cesar's so he opened every door until he got the right one. As I suspected, Cesar and Monse were in Cesar's bed cuddling. "Aww." I said. They were so cute. Oscar gave me a side glance before walking towards the bed and shaking Cesar to wake him up. When Cesar opened his eyes, he jumped up in shock. "Oscar, what are you doing here?" He asked. "I need to talk to you." Oscar said motioning Cesar to follow him before walking out the door. Cesar put his shoes on and followed behind him. After about 20 minutes, Cesar came back in. "Hey, everything okay?" I asked him worried. "Yeah, Oscar has a plan to make everything right. We gotta go." He said kissing my cheek. "What's the plan Cesar?" I asked. "It's nothing to worry about y/n, everything's gonna be okay." He said trying to reassure me. "What if it ain't, what if something goes wrong?" I asked. "Y/n, it won't I promise. Just don't tell Monse and everyone where I went." He said.  "You guys please be careful." I said pleadingly. "We will y/n, I promise." He said before walking out the door. I had a sunken feeling in my stomach but I decided to push the feeling away and make breakfast for everyone, not wanting them to wake up and go hungry. I finished cooking and went to wake the boys up first, then Monse. When Monse woke up, she was really worried. "Where's Cesar?" She asked immediately. "Don't worry baby, he just ran to the corner store for me." I said, knowing I was lying but not wanting to worry her. "Oh, okay." She said a little more calmly. "Come on, I made breakfast." I said holding my hand out to her. She grabbed my hand and I lead her to the kitchen where the boys were already eating. After everyone got done eating, they went in the living room to chill. After about an hour, Cesar and Oscar walked into the apartment. "Oh thank God!" I said running up to them, kissing Cesar on the top of his head and wrapping my arms around Oscars neck giving him a kiss on the lips. Everyone looked shocked but I didn't care. "What is he doing here?" Monse asked incredulously. "Don't worry Mons, everything's fine now. We fixed it." Cesar said wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "What do you mean you fixed it?" Jamal asked. "How?" Ruby asked right after him. Oscar spoke up before Cesar could. "Don't worry about it, just know its taken care of." "That made the children stop questioning. "Are you guys hungry?" I asked them. "There's still some breakfast left." "I'm starving." Cesar said walking to the kitchen with Monse following him. "How bout you boo?" I asked Oscar. "Yeah I could eat." He said smiling.                       

                                                    -3 years later-

I was doing laundry, thinking about how far we've come. It's been three years. Monse went to a boarding school, Jazmine and ruby got together, Jamal joined the football team. We all still keep in touch even though Oscar, Cesar and I moved to the suburbs. Oscar got out the gang life and we got married. I got pregnant and everything has been going great for us. We couldn't be happier. Of course there's still times when Oscar forgets that he's safe now and he doesn't need to carry a gun everywhere but we're working on it. "Y/n, where you be at?" I heard Oscar yell. "In here babe." I yelled back. He walked in seeing me struggle to get the clothes out of the washer to transfer into the dryer. "Let me do that bebe, you don't need to be staining yourself when you're 8 months pregnant." He said taking the clothes out of my hand and putting them in the dryer. "Thank you baby." I said kissing his cheek. "Go sit down doll, I made dinner." "Aww, my sweet man." I said cooing at him. "Don't act like I don't make your lazy ass dinner all the time." He said. I laughed. "I know, I know." I said. He turned towards me and wrapped his arm around my waist. Pulling me into him, kissing me. After we ate dinner, we ended the night with me laying down with my head on his lap and him rubbing my pregnant belly. I really couldn't be happier.

#Oscar Diaz #oscar x reader #oscar spooky diaz #oscar diaz imagine #oscar diaz x reader #on my block #on my block imagines #on my block imagine #on my block fanfiction #fanfiction #imagine #x reader

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

#help #lol

[garbagequeer]

what are your favorite cshr songs?

i change my mind a lot and can’t make decisions so im just gonna go album by album picking my favorites because there’s A LOT of great songs (also these are in no particular order cause i really am a gemini who can’t make a simple choice). when im done with this i’ll bold the ones i guess are my overall favorites but i have too much room in my heart and brain and i love all of them and i can’t not mention all the great songs that i love. Also my overall favorites change all the time hence the full long ass list. again i AM a gemini

teens of denial:

drunk drivers obviously (and drunk drives single version with the modified verse from plane crash blues like. if you cant find your friends you can leave without them !! so much)

destroyed by hippie powers (which holds a special place in my heart cause i remember listening to it 24/7 and going to the bar with my friends during second term finals my first year of college instead of studying and then the year after that going to see csh also during second term finals and them playing it like. full circle baby)

not what i needed. i feel so empty trying to explain this!

1937 state park

unforgiving girl (also holds a special place in my heart cause im pretty sure it’s the song that got me into them after being like hey i should check out that car seat headrest band since like 2013 but never getting around to it)

the ballad of the costa concordia like. i love to die thank you

drugs with friends (also it feels 5 times more special to me since i saw them play it)

fill in the blank

literally i feel bad for not just putting every song from this album like i love them all they punch me in the face every time but. gotta move along.

how to leave town:

BEAST MONSTER THING (LOVE ISN’T LOVE ENOUGH) LIKE. WHAT? WHAT?? !!!!

i want you to know that im awake / i hope that you’re asleep. you know that quote from like. an article about greta gerwig and lady bird that’s like (wait i googled it):Every situation is pretext for a confrontation: underdone eggs, a pile of rumpled clothes, a hand reaching too quickly for the radio. The question on the surface might be ‘What did you do?’ but the feeling underneath is ‘Who are you and why don’t you know how to love me?’that’s this song

is this dust really from the titanic? mainly cause i think it’s underrated and very endearing like. car seat headrest: more guitar shit

hey space cadet. obviously like

wasn’t going to put more songs cause i think i need to relax but. the ending of dramamine deserves to be listed i mean i can’t hear a thing now i guess i belong to me now but when night fell on montana i found a rest stop completely deserted but i still felt the eyes upon me so i drove away. it BE like that

you know what? fuck it. america and kimochi warui are also favorites. they’re all so good im sorry i CANT do this

nervous young man:

first of all: i wanna sweat. it’s like. you CAN have the euphoric emotion of bodys outside of the fantasy. effervescent amazing uplifting etc etc

burning man. i will go crazy istg like he’s like im defined by the fact that you’re there and we’re different people… i wanna burn your picture! i mean…… yeah

plane crash blues i mean shut up with all these bad vibes all this yelling just shut up shut up shut up! like. to himself.. we get it. and if your luggage is lost you can leave without it and if you run out of drugs you can sleep without them and if you wanna go home you can call a taxi and if you don’t wanna talk you can sit in the backseat. much to think about

death at the movies. sometimes you’re a little depressed and you just. watch movies and it’s weird

boxing day. hand will toledo a womanhood card right now for this like yeah! i feel so haunted and no one seems to notice and no one seems to care!!!! and it doesn’t really matter I’ll just ajlhfsdg!!!. ALSO literally i did something bad im not allowed to go outside anymore i can only be awake at night for the next year of my life. been there done that and all. ALSO i have worms in mouse traps baby cracks me up every time

the gun song. there’s a lot going on there

afterglow and jerks cause i love to have fun too

monomania:

misheard lyrics and i don’t think it gets enough love

times to die and also the teens of style version

overexposed (enjoy). again i love fun

los borrachos (fun fact: i saw the painting it’s named after irl and i was like. sick csh reference museo del prado)

SOULS. !!!!

maud gone both versions. sweetheart please love me too long

sleeping with strangers. i love to have fun

anchorite (love you very much). i get my feelings hurt by someone i love i listen to this song like. YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!! call it catharsis

and that’s literally the whole album except for one song. im sorry

twin fantasy (which is two albums but. it’s really just one which is very meta of it/them imo. also unless i specify im talking about both versions):

B O D Y S

famous prophets. both versions make me feel breathless

beach life-in-death OBVIOUSLY

twin fantasy (those boys) and i think both versions really mean so so much together which is true of all of twin fantasy but. particularly here it hits me like. from he has only lyrics now to these are only lyrics now. it’s a lot

my boy (more the 2018 version)

nervous young inhumans (the 2011 version. for the monologue like. he defined twin fantasy. also the fact that galvanistic isn’t a real word he just fucked up and that’s the chorus)

high to death (more the 2018 version but both are great)

honestly sober to death for the don’t worry you and me wont be alone no more which is. so much. ALSO when they play sober to death/powderfinger and ethan does great vocals

cute thing (2018)

my back is killing me baby

no passion. he wants a man who would hate him and who would leave him if he were open and he’d do the same to him. he dreams he watches porn but he cant see it. he understands some ugly ass feelings

father, flesh in rags. it bangs

strangers but the teens of style version

happy news for sadness cause once again he says the ugliest shit (i liked you better when you hated yourself every time i think about love i think about me thinking about you) and it makes me think of that shit about how people will disclose they think they’re bad and they have bad thoughts when they’re going to ask to be loved. also you can never tell the truth but you can tell something that sounds like it

the drum. did i say i love to have fun? i love to have fun (both versions but i think i like the original more at least rn)

stoop kid

something soon (both versions)

starving while living:

it’s only sex

reuse the cells

devil moon

i hate living

literally all other csh shit cause i don’t listen to many songs from the first records :/ and stuff:

i can talk with my eyes shut

the ghost of bob saget. the lyrics to this song are hilarious and relatable somehow

i have to mention i am afraid of literally everything / i scream social / this one time I went to a coffee house because some guy I knew was playing and I just sat there for an hour and didn’t talk to anyone and then I came home and wrote this song / you have to go to college / it’s you you’re the asshole that made this but literally only cause i felt like laughing when i was 18 and finally got around to checking out csh and he was like. i wrote these songs about when i went to college and i was afraid of everything and shit was hard. cause like. same. and i just have a fond memory of going through csh’s entire discography from newest to oldest and ending up awake till almost 7am losing my mind. i feel like this about lots of songs from the first 5 albums but i don’t really listen to them much tho. someday i’ll get around to giving them a chance again

that thing someone made where they put together pain star (if heaven is full of people…) and …then it will be exactly the same as earth

does it feel good (to say goodbye?)

and their cover of hey ya even though it’s not a csh song. im mad no one has posted a proper recording of it because i do love to have fun. also their cover of this must be the place too. and the cover of waves of fear also. they’re all really fun

#answered #csh #car seat headrest #im terrible at picking things as you can see #anonymous

[cinamons-fucking-art]

Chapter 7: Calm Before the Storm

096 had found it unimaginable they would escape from the Foundations hands, let alone with a partner in tow, and yet here they were...

Countless nights sent running in the forest, Lawrence in tow on their back, the breeze and scenery keeping them going. Daytime was spent in the Pocket Dimension, hiding from the ever watchful eyes of the Foundation and allowing them to rest before continuing. The pleasant warmth of the dimension compared to the cool night air of the over world just wanted to make 096 keep running, but they know Lawrence would not want that, and for that they opted to rest when he wanted to rest.

They lost track of time as the days passed. It may have been weeks, maybe months, since their escape, but after all that time of running, the two of them had made it to their destination.

The Himalayas, home of 096.

When they set foot in the mountains, a sense of relief came over 096, finally returning to the place they called home, the blistering cold feeling refreshing on their skin and the feeling of snow on their limbs bringing back memories of their time in the mountains before being taken away by the Foundation. The mountain scenery and the happy feelings rushing over them had stopped them from realizing that Lawrence had gotten off their back and began speaking.

"Oi, Lanky, yah mind... lookin here for a sec?"

096 looked over about ready to complain about the nickname before realizing why Lawrence had gotten their attention.

The man was freezing; He was freezing quite literally. The black substance that coated his skin had began to freeze in the areas where it was lightest, and areas where it was dripping had frozen, forming small icicles made from the secretion across his body. Inspecting their own body, the areas where the liquid had been pooling had frozen over and came off with ease, taking some flesh with it.

"Oh... Larry, I’m... you're freezing." 096 then wrapped their body around 106, trying to warm them.

"Guess this man cant ta-ake the cold as well as he he was once able to." He chuckled slightly before leaning into 096, relishing what little warmth the being could offer. They sat like this for a few minutes, the only reason they didn't enter the pocket dimension simply being 106 didn’t have the energy to open it. The two of them sat with their thoughts, enjoying the company of one another, until a realization dawned upon 096.

Without warning, 096 scooped up their companion in their arms and began running. 106 didn't even have time to react before the wind hit their body as 096 began their run. All he could do was sit in their arms and let them take them where he wanted.

096 quickly approached one of the many mountains in the range, and began to speed up. They could hear 106s protests but only sped up, until...

The snow broke away as 096 ran through the large mass of snow, the only thing bothering them being how much it had built up over time. It took only a couple of seconds before the snow gave way to the inside of the mountain. 096 stopped, and marveled that perhaps their favorite spot in the entirety of the Himalayas remained theirs until now.

The area was illuminated by white and blue crystals, which pulsed to life with the movement of the two entities. Large crater-like structures made was for water, warmed by the Earth, while smaller, hotter pools of water made way for warm steam to fill the room. Some of 106s frozen parts already began to thaw with the steam as he eyes the array of warm water pools that lay before him.

096 set him down and began walking to the largest pool, situated in the center of the room. "This place... has been my own little secret for many years. Just a small spot to warm up and soak if I wanted. Nothing special... just a small natural sauna only I've know about until now!" With that 096 stepped into the pool and sat, the water going up to their chest.

"Come on in, Lawrence, this should warm you." 096 looked at him as he stood awe struck by the sight.

"I... don’t need to be ruining your place with my..." He gestured towards the corrosive substance that had recently dripped off of him and began eating away at a small rock it has landed on.

"Don’t worry... there are dozens of other pools in here I can use it I don’t want to sit in your rot. We can just... make this your pool.

"Its the biggest one here though... are you sure?"

"Its fine... I don’t really come here often anyways, and plus the water should dilute your secretions for quite a while."

106 hesitated before he finally stepped into the pool. The water around him turned dark as he submerged himself, the water goin’ up to his shoulders before he sat next to 096. A sigh of relief escaped 106 as the warmth of the pool seeped into his skin and to his cold bones. 096 smiled at this, seeing the relief wash over 106s face.

"I don’t remember the last time I had a warm soak this fucken’ nice. Probably before the Foundation got their nasty hands on me in the, what was it, 80s maybe?"

096 chuckled before wrapping his arm along 106s shoulder. "That just means I've had to wait longer for this moment than you have."

"Wait... how long have you been contained?"

"Its... been a long time. I remember one of the officers who was there during my capture mentioning it being a Thursday... and the 1960s was brought up in there somewhere, but I cant remember if I was contained during or after the 60s... and I don’t know if I ever will unless I can get my hands on those original documents."

106 gave a small nod. "I have one other question about you..."

"Go ahead, Lawrence." 096 leaned in closer to 106.

"What would’ve happened to you if... died?"

096s ears went down, and they looked away from 106. "I’m not sure, I don’t remember much about my past beyond maybe a couple of years from the before the Foundation got me. My best guess is that I’d just be reborn in some way, or maybe I would truly be dead... I cant say for sure.”

“Mmmhh...” 106 looked down at the water for a second, before looking up at 096. “Just know that... whatever form you take next when you ‘die’ just know Ill still love you. Unless you take the form of the person who ‘kills’ you next and act like an asshole, in which case Ill probably just cry in a corner or somethin’... not sure... might beat the shit outta yah with a baseball bat if the persons bad enough.”

096 blushed, pulling 106 closer. “I appreciate the gestures... though I wouldn't be surprised if 035 beat you to the bat before dancing a little before beating me to death and making out with 049.” 096 let out a slight chuckle at their joke, while 106 burst out in laughter.

“Jesus Christ I never knew you where so fucken’ funny dude.”

“Maybe its because I haven't been able to talk for, what, sixty years maybe? So many thoughts I’ve had can finally express... I know there’s one thing I've never needed a voice to express though.” With that a kiss landed on the top of 106s head, causing him to submerge himself a little further in the pool, blushing. 096 also lowered himself, allowing himself to continue comfortably cuddling in the warm pool of now dark grey water.

“You’re sure this is where they where last seen, Commander?”

“For the last time, Harley, yes, I am sure. Now shut up before one of them hears us.”

Commander Sam had found it beyond their realms of belief why two beings with such an unpleasant past had been out of containment for nearly six months, always spotted together before running off or slipping into the Pocket Dimension. Months of tracking, footprint following, and eye-witness reports had let her and Harley to the Himalayas. It didn't surprise the Commander at all, really, 096 probably considered the place home, and not being able to be home for so long could hurt anything, even the most heartless of beings.

They began lumbering on again, their foundation-made extreme-cold gear keeping them warm while hauling large bags on their backs carrying the essentials like food, water, and spare changes of clothing. The only personal belongings Sam brought were a scarf she was using to cover her face, Harley had herself a pair of hand-knitted gloves and a beanie.

The mountains were clear of snowfall, and it didn't take long for the two to find some footprints and frozen chunks of black liquid littering the area they were in. Harley tried picking some of it up, but quickly dropped it as its acidity burned away some of her glove, leaving her fingers exposed.

"Lets hope you have spares, hon, because you aren’t getting mine."

Harley sighed before she began digging through the large bag she had set in the snow, looking for her spares. Sam began tracking the footprints, following them. If they were gonna find the two entities, now would be the perfect time.

"Commander, I-"

"Will you be quiet, Cadet?! I don’t need one of the subjects knowing we're here."

"No its just... your following the wrong tracks, and I think I know where they are!"

The Commander looked down and, sure enough, the corrosive substance 106 produced was gone, and the tracks were simply of a barefooted man far too small to be 096s tracks.

"Welp, since I’m a dumb ass, show me where you think they lead too."

Harley began leading her Commander to the location, and it only took a few minutes of walking before they reached a large pile of snow, evidently tampered with. While the hole that was evidently there had since been collapsed, a singe footprint matching 096s had been buried halfway, showing the massive heel of the creature.

"Huh... good job, Cadet. You happen to have a shovel?"

"You know it!"

And with that they began to dig, Sam with her hands and Harley with a decent sized shovel. It took them two hours of straight dogging before the collapsed into a rather large opening, unilluminated. Harley flashed a flashlight into the area, revealing pools of water and crystal structures littering the area.

"You wanna us to go in ourselves or do you want to call backup first, commander?"

"Call backup, we might finally have 'em"

"Okay... nearest facility is is Kathmandu, correct?"

"Yes ma'am. When they get back to you get them give us an ETA."

With that Harley began speaking into her radio, giving their coordinates before signalling they believed the found the two missing subjects, requesting the necessary items needed for recontainment. Minutes passed before Harley gave a response.

"ETA is about 15 minutes, Commander."

"What will they be bringing, Cadet?"

"Two D-Class subjects, one to bag 096 and the other for the Femur Breaker. Backup will be about ten MTF units coming in with helicopters, being piloted by two of those ten men. The helicopters will have hanging containment units, 1.5 meters squared, with one of them containing the Femur Breaker. In case things get out of hand with them, they're also gonna be bringing the experimental Micro H.I.D for 106 and the strongest non-lethal tranquilizers they have at the base for 096. Anything else you need, Commander?"

"Patience... that’s all I need, Harley. Thank you, Harley.”

The two began readying their own firearms outside the freshly dug tunnel. All they had were small pistols and rifles low on ammo, and it wasn't long before they were standing in the snow, waiting for the sound of helicopters to approach. Sam watched the shy while Harley kept toying with her pistol, trying her best to make sure everything worked. The only thing that brought her out of it was the sound of her commanders voice.

“Hey, Harley?”

“Yes, Commander?”

“Promise me you wont end up Osprey, Rodger, and Woodrow. I need to lose you, too.”

Harley stared at Sam for a second before the names clicked in her mind. “I can’t keep that promise, but Ill try my best, Commander. Can you promise the same to me?”

“Can’t guaranteed that either, Harley, and in case I do end up not making out of this... thank you for finding that camera. It’s somewhat nice to know those three went out for a good cause.”

Harley could only give a small sound of approval before the helicopters began descending on them, the sound washing out any potential for further conversation. Out of the copters came eight men, the other two staying to keep the copters airborne.

It wasn't long before Sam was giving out orders, telling the men where to line up and giving the free D-Class the proper materials he needed to find the targets, if they where there.

“D-9606, listen to me carefully. Keep the radio on at all times, find the target, and when you do, put the bag over their head and get out of there. Depending on what we hear, we will give further instruction. Got it?”

“Fine... what does this thing look like?”

“Tall, white, skinny, long arms. If you see something in there that looks human, don’t bag that, we’ll focus on that one. Remember, tall, white, skinny, and long arms. Do you copy?”

“I understand...”

“Good, get in there.”

With that the D-Class descended into the tunnel, their breathing being heard through their radio. Snow was heard being knocked down, and the flashlight was clicked on.

“Its... warm, in here an- YO, WHAT THE FU-”

“What do you see, D-9606?”

“Nothin, there’s crystals... they’ve lit up the whole room. Hot pools of water. All of them appear normal... but... eugh. One of thems pitch black ewwOH GOD.”

Sams eyes widened at this. “What do you see?” She didn’t need the confirmation to know what he saw, the screams already rising from the cave.

“Remain calm, and remember, bag it and leave. Do it!”

“I-I cant, its got its hand on its face and-and I don’t wanna be touchin’ it!”

“Just fucking throw the bag on it, its too stupid to yank it off, just throw the bag on it and RUN!”

Shuffling was hear on the radio before the sound of them running was apparent, and soon after they were out of the tunnel, visibly shaking and crying. They took a second to catch their breath and control their emotions before they spoke.

“What... now?”

“Stay here. My squad and I are gonna keep watch on the copters.”

Suddenly, the figure she had been waiting to see came barreling out of the tunnel, with the bag still on its head, thank god. Sam covered her face as the warm blood of the D-Class shot onto her, with the sounds of tearing flesh and breaking bone accompanying it. It took everything she had to not vomit by the sounds. When it was done, she wearily uncovered her eyes to the pale figure sitting by her, with various extremities and gore strew around it.

It perked up, and then it began tearing at its mask, with what sounded like whimpering accompanying it. The sight horrified her; It had never done this before, why now?!

“Tranq it, boys!”

With that, several shots were heard, followed by the creature having ten or so darts in it. It only took a couple of seconds before it fell, unconscious, into the snow. The bag had been torn enough were, had it not landed face first, everyone there would most likely be dead.

“Someone get another bag and get this thing into containment. Someone else, get the Breaker and mic goin’!”

It took three men to haul away 096 into the vacant chamber, and another one to position the mic and prepare the Breaker. Harley was on standby, with the Micro H.I.D ready to fire. The men on the Breaker gave the okay, and Sam gave the okay back.

The sounds the D-Class made as the machinery crushed their leg echoed through the mountains, the sound sending chills up her spine as she had her firearm ready. It was only the soft laughter that she heard behind her that got her out of this trance of having to listen to two men die in less than ten minutes.

A warm, gooey hand grabbed her by the ankle and yanked her down. She shot at it twice, with neither of her bullets hitting. Fuck, 106 had gotten brighter too?

“Fire the HID NOW, Cadet!” One of the backup crew grabbed her and began pulling her away from the grasp of 106, him also shooting a few shots. One hit its wrist, only grazing Sam as she was pulled free for its hands.

It began to emerge fully from its hole, looking over at the containment cell the Breaker was in before looking at the helicopter taking off, 096 in tow. It stared at it, ignoring the whir of the Micro H.I.D. behind it. It let the intense light of the machine hit it as they watched the helicopter fly off. It too fell unconscious, the MTF going quickly to work wrapping 106 in spare blankets to prevent its corrosion from reaching their skin.

Sam and her savior began wrapping her wound, but she could already tell that the foot would need to be amputated, the sheer amount of corrosive substance that had gotten into it having already made her untouched foot go numb. Harley was quick to her side, helping her savior carry her onto the helicopter.

The remainder of her crew looked at the landscape as the helicopter flew off, relishing the view. As Sam sat, she pulled out her radio, tuning it to the Kathmandu Foundation signal.

“Mission Update: We’ve got the bastards. Only two causalities, both being D-Class used to bring out the subjects. Oh... and a foot, it that counts as one too.”

#scp #scp foundation #scp 106 #106 #scp 096 #096 #scp oc #not really but lol #writing

[bang-me-bangtan-style]

the temptation-2 : Kim Taehyung

1 | 2 | 

paring: jeon jungkook x kim taehyung x reader

genre: smut, innocence,celibacy, corruption,seducing, going against morals,

summary: Church. School. Work. Home. Home.work. school home. It was a hell of routine. But it was old. It was getting way too old. This pure innocent life was just a facade nowadays. Your mind had fell into the fifth circle of hell. And your boyfriend jungkook realized this. Especially after you cheated on him with the person he hated the most. Taehyung. And now according to him you would burn in hell for it. How long could you keep your legs closed after reviving oral sex from taehyung? Could you keep the rest of your innocence or did you really want to burn in hell like jungkook said you would? Book 1/7 in the bts series

notes: this series is about sexual desires and religion don’t read if your not into that or are against. you’ve been warned.

unedited but enjoy

Although you were at work your phone had been ringing all day. You knew who it was already and you wish he'd just stop and give you a break. You didn't want to deal with anything else. Yesterday Jungkook broke up with you and you would like the pain to subside before dealing with Lucifer. Plus everyone was sent the video of you and Taehyung and you were to face that soon when you went back to school after Christmas break. you just hope your parents didn't receive it or you'll be dead.

"Can i take your-" your phone rang in your back pocket startling you- "order." you finished. Your customer looked at you weird and you inhaled and exhaled. It was safe to say that it was time to turn it off as soon as things died down in the cafe.

"Yeah i'll have black coffee on ice," the guy that was balding from old age said.

You rang him up and your co-worker started on his order. The next person in line came up and your eyes widen when you were met with Lucifer himself. what the fuck was he doing here? you began to internally panic but on the outside you look cool, calm, and collect.

He leaned in on the counter, "you're not answering none of my calls what was I supposed to do?" your eyes fixated on his lips and you stopped breathing- flash backs hitting you like PTSD.

"Why would you show up here?" You whispered yelled becoming angry. You felt embarrassed seeing him now that you were sober knowing the sinful things he had done to you. Plus you were at work and now was not the time to talk about anything related to what happened over the weekend.

"We need to talk,"was all he said looking seriously.

"I cant right now, i'm at work,"you growled.

"when do you get off?"

"never"

"y/n come on" he pleaded.

"In an hour."

"fine, i'll wait for you."

"no."

"yes."

"no."

"yes."

"fine! hurry up and order or leave your holding up the line."

he leaned back up and turned off to sit down somewhere the person behind him giving him a dirty look as he was holding up the line.

one hour later...

You had clocked out and counted you drawer helping the next person get settled in for their shift. and when you were done you went to where Taehyung resided and stood, you looked around. "I don't think it's safe to talk here."

he realized this and he stood up and followed your form.

The cold hit you as soon as you stepped out of the cafe and instantly you wanted to go back in. You were annoyed that you left your coat at home of all days. Taehyung noticed this and quickly took his trench coat off and wrapped it around you. He walked you to his car and he had the courtesy to open the door for you before getting in himself. You sat in silence as he walked around the front of the car to get to the drivers side, thousands of things running threw your head as you waited.

He got in the car shutting the door with a thump and turned it on so he could warm it up. he blew on his hands rubbing them together a he tried to warm them up. However you were warm in his coat the smell of him filling your senses of his Gucci cologne.

You looked down as you waited for him to start the conversation. Once satisfied with the temperature in the car he turned to you.

"Are you okay?" was the first thing that came out his mouth Because he didn't know what to say he didn't want to make you mad in any way. He liked you too much.

"Yeah," was all you replied looking anywhere but him.

He stared at you watching you and your body language he could tell that you were uncomfortable with the current situation and he felt like he was to blame.

"I'm sorry-"he began.

"It's not your fault I wanted you to- you have nothing to be sorry about."

This time he looked down. "I don't want you to be mad at me and I promise I'll find who ever sent that video to everyone."

"Don't worry about it the damage has been done."

"Does he know?"

"Of course he knows.."

"What he-"

"He broke up with me of course. And he said you and I will go to hell." You forced a smile but it didn't reach your ears. It was obviously forced and it broke his heart. "Is this all you wanted to talk about 'cause i'm kind of tired and i'm going to miss the bus-"

"I'll take you home if you miss it." He held onto your contact, his eyes twinkling. God he was so handsome and so dangerous and it scared you even more now because you didn't know if you could control yourself around him. You fell into his arms like silly putty before, it could happen again.

You breathed in again. God he smelled so good. He probably tasted delicious. literally. You shook the sins out your mind.

"Fine," was all you said as you tried not to concentrate on sucking him off in the back seat of his car right now.

"I just hope your parents don't find out they already hate me enough."

"you and me both." you Smirked slightly.

what was this? could you two be something if you got over jungkook? he was a nice boy. but he was bad. you didn't know if you could take him. you weren't used to being touched. and he was so touchy. he put his hand on your forearm and touched the skin there as in to comfort you but why did your mind always make everything so sexual. it felt so sensual. and you pulsed between your legs. you just wanted him to touch you more, you liked the feeling of male touching you. it sent you into a craze.

"id say id take it back but then id be lying." your pu$$y reacted to his words. the same words that came out that same mouth that made you cum. mmm. talk about temptation. he was so tempting.

"can't live life with regrets we all do things for a reason what's the point in taking them back?" it wasn't exactly the response he wanted from you but it Was good enough.

just then the bus came and gone and you watched it go.

"alright it looks like im going to take you home," he whispered in the silence of his car.

you looked outside of the window the snowfall on the ground that had melted some had remained. the streets were cleared and the snow was casted to the side of the road.

moments went by...

"im hurt that he broke up with me but everything happens for a reason. i keep telling my self this. maybe if one day he could forgive me id feel better but until then i feel like shit."

he hated hearing about jungkook but it wasn't about him. it wasn't his place to be mad you weren't his. even if he did steal you away.

"i guess you're right everything does happen for a reason." was all he could say with out sounding possessive over you. " i will say that im going to get a lot of shit from him. he might start shit with me,"

"he won't." You assured him.

'cause if he does he'll look like the weak one- and one thing jeon jungkook hates is being week. he's going to act like it doesn't bother him when we get back to school. that's the type of guy he is."

taehyung didn't say anything he just nodded his head.

"what about yo-"

don't worry about me too much. ill get a lot of hate and what not but its okay. ill manage."

taehyung hated this he hated that this happens, he didn't care about himself but he didn't want you to have a hard time.

"if it feels any better, what you did for me was the best thing you could have done it felt so good. if it wernt for you i would have imploded by now. he would have never done that for me. he wouldn't even-" you stopped yourself before you admitted things he shouldn't know.

"he wouldn't what?"

"nothing," you shook your head looking back at the snow.

"its okay tell me."

you hesitated, but why not? its not like he was with you anymore.

"he wouldn't even kiss me."

taehyung was really taken aback."seriously why?"

"because it will lead to sex."

"not always. you could stop when it got to that point."

" that's what I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen."

taehyung was mind boggled, "so the whole time you were together he has never kissed you?"

you pressed your lips together and shook your head.

"wowwwww, he sighed throwing his head back against the head of the seat.

"so was i your fist kiss?"

"you were my first everything so far." you blushed even though he could tell inside the dark car.

he smiled looking down. " i kind of like the Sound of that."

you blused even more. it was too much to handle. your heart was beating fast again his sent engulfed you smothering you like you were in his arms which if you were in his arms you wouldn't complain. not one bit.

"i am sorry that i dragged you into this mess." You admitted.

"its okay, trust me im not complaining."

you looked at his side profile he was so alluring. fresh new. it exlierated you. you wanted to touch him all over, fuck him in his car, make out with him in bed, but that would be too much.but you kind of didn't care. but you would keep your dirty thoughts to yourself. you were already in hot shit. you fucked everything up with jungkook you didn't want to fuck up more.

but being around taehyung made you want to do things it always did,and when you finally did it when you got drunk, you knew that this was your true self there no reason to hide who you were. you were a sexual human and it was human to feel like that. you shouldn't have to hide who you were. it was natural. you shouldn't have to feel ashamed of yourself. jungkook made you feel ashamed of your self. and that's where the depression resided from.

it was only a matter of time until you exploded. oh wait....

"well should i take you home?" he said looking at you.

"yes..." i want you to stay though.

"okay let's go," he started the car and began to drive off.

you wish you could say your thoughts aloud.

#kim taehyung #bts taehyung #taehyung series #reader x taehyung #kpop x reader #Reader x Jungkook #jeon jungkook fanfic #jeon jungkook #jeongguk #jungkook scenarios #BTS jungkook #jungkook fanfic #jungkook #bts #bangtan bts #bangtan au #bangtan fanfic #bangtan smut #bangta boys #bangtan #kpop fanfic #kpop story #kpop angst #kpop #kpop au #taehyung au #jungkook au #noonasland.com #bang me bangtan style:the temptation #chapter2

[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: [sends her the posts because no other way she'd see them] Rio: Shit, girl Rio: I was worried it might go down like this Indie: she's so extra Indie: never should have let him in the door Indie: the feds are gonna be hardcore @ it now Rio: Surely she let him out Rio: stupid woman Rio: but that's gonna pale in comparison now so Rio: What's Drew doing about it? Indie: boy was begging for a sick time & i gave it but its on me not him 😒😒 hold ur liquor u tourist Indie: hes flat roofin but other than that no thing to 👀 Indie: it b early tho & we all had a late Rio: They're a 24/7 services though, babe Rio: he'll be wanting to move his stash and generally clear his act up for the visit Rio: you too Indie: is it? on hols too thats a madness Indie: yeah the drum be clear of all his goods like that Indie: idk man mayb its chill like she gonna post that & not post up no harder than Rio: They might take xmas day off maybe but you know Rio: business as usual for all jan 1st Rio: well that's something Rio: maybe, but bitches like that LOVE making complaints about everything so maybe not Indie: she do have that talk to the manager vibe Indie: i done fucked up real didnt i? Rio: big time karen Rio: nah, in the eyes of everyone it's Drew that did Rio: but they won't be able to prove the drugs bit if they're gone so it's not enough to take you, a party gone wrong, bad judgment but maybe we can swing it that he was here somehow Rio: hmm Indie: but like he had mad trust for me & i brought him mad problems Rio: they're grown problems, he's big enough to fix 'em Indie: u too making ur nite go off on a real turn Indie: bet ur boy is bare vexed Rio: you know i'd rather you ring me than let it go more tits Rio: what are big sisters for Rio: but yeah, didn't even see him in the end so he ain't stopped Indie: innit Indie: tell him he can hit me up for something to take off that edge Indie: debts be paid around here Rio: um you ain't supposed to have no thing 'scuse you Rio: there's a plan here Indie: i gots places & heads to trust in Rio: nah, I'll make it up to him, don't worry 'bout that Indie: 😉😉😉 Rio: 😏 shush lil girl Indie: grown problems ur big enough to fix i kno 💋🤤🤤 Rio: so thirsty, go hydrate Rio: know you need to 😘 Indie: rude i got lipsed by bare boys last nite they were rigging dem bottle spins cos im 🔥🔥 dont b tryna put me out Rio: you need to cool off for a minute, bitch Rio: you in trouble Indie: not wit u Rio: yeah, don't push it 😉 Indie: 💔😢😢 dont do me like that on day 1 of the year 🙏🙏🙏 Rio: it started HOURS ago and I was still here with you cleaning blood out the carpet Rio: don't talk to me about day 1s when I'm clearly ride or die Indie: u kno im good for ious & i got mad love Rio: 🧡 Rio: i'm good really Rio: let's sort the actual situation Indie: u gonna charm the social for me? Rio: give it my best Indie: safe ✌✌ Rio: probably the straightest middle-aged lady Rio: so more likely your da will have to get on it Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: what drew b good for Rio: init tho Indie: we all been knew Indie: he better werk so it works Rio: Sure it won't be too hard, like Rio: even if she ain't all that 😂 Indie: she aint gon b bangin but his exes show he aint need that to chirp on Rio: 👀 Indie: 😂😂😏😏 Indie: can u roll up wit eats im about to die Rio: bit rude to both our ma, like lmao Rio: 'course Rio: bring leftovers Indie: ur ma dont count as no ex cos she ✖ed him out Indie: & my ma got that permanent ✖ so bigger problems than my shade innit Rio: no problems when you an 👼 Rio: fucking hopefully Indie: u my 👼 bringing that energy Indie: that means u can jam Rio: is it? Rio: 😏 Rio: let Ryan know eh Indie: he kno u a 😈 too Indie: how he be livin Rio: mhmm Rio: well he gon' have to wait for now Indie: he gon have beef wit me Indie: soz boyyy Rio: nah we was already beefin' 'fore this Indie: yeah? Indie: what he do? 👀 Rio: nah, what I do more like Rio: you know I'm 😈 Indie: o shit Indie: gimme that 411 Rio: nothing exciting Rio: just be looking too bad to be giving him that much air, you know the drill Indie: hes so hyped for u Indie: its been weeks boy no u cant cuff it Indie: who u think u is Rio: can you blame him Rio: hot property, baby Indie: u did look 💣💣💣 last nite my bad Indie: theres a boy @ school tryna chat @ the rest hes my bf so i feel it fr Indie: boy please DO I LOOK LIKE Indie: not tryna hold ur damn hand Rio: is he cute tho Indie: if he werent he wouldnt be able to chat no thing Indie: 💪 fuck him up Rio: 😂 Rio: gotta 'tect the rep Indie: he kno it tho & its like tell me how 🔥🔥 i am dont b talking on urself all the time Rio: not a mood Indie: innit Indie: dry as Rio: that's boys for you Indie: & he didnt show last nite Rio: playing hard to get or just got parents who give a fuck Indie: year up x 2 so he could come thru the ends whenever Indie: but i 💋 all his mandem so itll hit back Rio: play @ his own game  alright Indie: do u think i went too hard tho? Rio: do you want him to be your mans or nah Indie: idk Rio: then it depends Rio: beyond knowing he loves himself, idk how he's vibing Rio: might be too far Indie: hes vibing like hes about me but i Rio: but you? Indie: how do i live that Indie: trust it Indie: drews meshing a new every week he says u gotta keep free on it Rio: works for him Rio: everyone's different Rio: you don't have to trust him yet Indie: mayb hes only about me til i give him something & im not tryna be a show like that Rio: that happens, not gonna sit here and lie and say it don't Rio: you're too young to be thinking on that or worrying Rio: keep him and the rest waiting Indie: yeah okay Indie: gimme a few to have puberty roll up Indie: still waiting on that Rio: it'll happen Rio: not that it's a barrel of laughs, like Rio: nothing to be hyped about Indie: i dont want it Indie: freaky shit going on Rio: unless you gonna stop eating, which unlikely Rio: you fucked, babe, we all are, soz Rio: get boobies though, perks Indie: that best not be you tryna skip on bringing me a meal bitch Indie: bout to hit the afterlife running here like Rio: 🙄 omw you rude ass hoe Rio: like you said, none of us had earlies Indie: omw fr or like when u tell ur mans u @ the club but u still tryin on fits in ur room Rio: like fr when I ever done you like that Indie: dont b starting Indie: ily Rio: 🤞 never Rio: ily more Indie: drews back if u wanna spit at him how to sort his life Rio: i will Rio: he ain't ready for this Indie: resolutions b dashing past this postcode we all avoidin that change Rio: you gotta Rio: sort you both Indie: hey swerve me im good Rio: 😏 Rio: fine i'll focus on your daddy Rio: no love for you Indie: 👼👼🤞🤞 Indie: call him that when you give it & he'll give in Rio: oh you schooling me on how to get blokes to do what I want now Rio: ok miss thing Indie: just him i 👂 what i hear & i kno what i kno Indie: hes here for all that Rio: you poor child Rio: anything grosser than parents going at it 😬 Indie: nah man its nasty & long being under this roof sometimes trust Rio: 🤢 Indie: some of his girls got me tempted to 📱 the social my own self & my ma looking like a saint Rio: that ain't right Rio: negates any buffness he got going on Indie: why lads wanna get on or under ANYTHING?! Indie: true madness Indie: 😂😂😂 Rio: friction 🤷 Indie: yeah but like theres girls out there bringing it & you're gonna hit that Rio: he probably ain't got as much choice as he fronts Rio: lots of grown women ain't about his lifestyle so that leaves him w the younger ones who is Rio: stick at it too long, you get busted, just facts Indie: when you old & so is your baggage 😂😂✌✌ Rio: I mean Rio: I ain't say nothing 😉 Indie: keep that ☮ mama Rio: least he looks p young still Rio: nothing worse than an actual creepy old man dealer Indie: do he? 👴 to me Rio: nah Rio: he only what, 31 Rio: that's no thing to me, gurl Indie: mayb im just 🍋 cos he aint tryna gimme no 💸💸💸 Indie: & he aint caring my head hurts Rio: aw bb Rio: 'round the corner Rio: I'll look after you Indie: 💖💖💖 Indie: u didnt tell me it b like this tho partying Rio: didn't think i had to be that quick with the warnings Rio: next day hurts Indie: always? Rio: 'less you prepare and do it right Rio: it can be bearable Rio: better than you feeling, no doubt Indie: how i do that? school me yeah Rio: 'course Rio: on the to-do list now Indie: we doing the next as a back to school thing so you got a few to bring me up Rio: you best be doing it at some other fucker's gaff and all Rio: giving me grey hairs 🙄 Indie: 😂😂✌✌ Indie: imma make that boy host it Indie: if he love me Rio: You're getting a chaperone regardless Indie: serious? Rio: yeah Indie: 💔💔💔 Rio: don't start like you don't know why Indie: i aint trippin you are tho if u think i want a repeat Rio: what, you too cool for me now? Indie: innit 😏😏😏 Indie: but nah just Rio: you so is Rio: you think imma embarrass you in-front of your mans Indie: he aint gon b my mans if u there Indie: whos 👀 me over u Rio: nah don't be silly Indie: im being real Indie: ur 💣💣💣🔥🔥🔥 Rio: so are you Rio: and I don't think a lad who likes you will be into me Indie: every lad b into u they all chat on u fully 😍😍😍💘💘😍 Rio: sounds like plenty are into you too Indie: 😂😂 it was for the spin Indie: cant pussy out Rio: 😏 mhmm Rio: well I promise you I won't be joining in, like Rio: now come let me in if you got strength to get the door Indie: 💪💪 babyyy Indie: [lets her in cos fuck know what drew is doing, flexing in the mirror probably] Rio: [lol watch him rush out when he realize] Indie: [hears her voice & runs out pretending to be casual] Rio: [oh boy, do not deserve her sorting your life, temporarily, but it's for Indie so] Indie: [bless her she's dying rn & just wants to be snuggled cos literal child] Rio: [give them a sec 'scuse you sir] Indie: [I hate everything about this, Carly didn't die for this] Rio: [just making leftovers] Indie: [drew chatting to her like she's here to hang with him & we all know] Rio: [don't you touch caleb's food bitch] Indie: [is nothing sacred you slag] Indie: [indie just fully lying stretched out on the counter like its a bed like let me die] Rio: [getting a bag of peas or some shit in a tea towel and putting it on her head] Indie: [such a good mum but that don't mean you can step ma her drew] Rio: [not her fault she can converse more like a grown-up than you Indie: [we should send Indie running off to the bathroom no offense Caleb but I'm evil & wanna leave them alone for a sec for the mood] Rio: [shoulda gone to hold her hair but now you can level with him and he can pretend he's a responsible adult lmao] Indie: [& Ryan can be highkey & he can pretend he cares] Rio: [ah the joys]

[tumblunni]

Me in the hospital: i cannot sleep for 24 hours, the slightest noise is blaring, i am perpetually anxiety adrenaline

As soon as i get home: has the best sleep of my life

I usually take an hour to get to sleep each night but i totally just curled up like a snail and dropped into dreamland instantly. And i woke up to a nice warm house cos the heating turned on while i was asleep, and now all the anesthetic is completely worn off so i feel energized and great! And my throat pain has eased up so thankfully i wont have to be liquids only for as long as i thought. I was all hyperactive and cooked a great fancy omelette and it tastes like heaven itself! Its so weird how stuff tastes slightly diffetent when its the first time youve been able to chew with the right side of your mouth in five years. I guess the tastebuds on the sides of your tongue are slightly different? When i eat everything now im gonna be rolling it all over my mouth like WOW ITS ALL SO NEW AGAIN! Will probably look nuts in the middle of mcdonalds with my cheeks puffed like a squirrel XD

Oh and this is also a great excuse to drink loads of chocolate milkshakes from my milkshake viking mug! I feel so energized with calcium and yums!! EVERYTHING TASTES SO NEWWWWWWW

Oh man i do feel a bit sleepy again now after just being up for a few hours tho. I have these good jaw pain specific medicines i have to take for the next two weeks til my followup appointment to check if theres any infection left. But man i feel SO ALIVE AGAIN im pretty sure all the rot is gone! It feels so wild having space in my mouth and not constant clenchy tightness. It actually hurts less recovering from the surgery than it did before, lol! I can feel all my teeth moving apart again and loosening up into normality and the gums healing up all their injuries and oh god i just love how they cleaned out all the broken parts of my teeth and capped them with these great replacements that look so real you'd never be able to tell! My smile looks not ugly!! My smile looks not ugly!! Aaaaa! I just expected regaining the right side of my mouth, i didbt expect to e like "holy shit it must have hurt even more than i realized cos this feels so amazing now". Like i guess i got used to putting up with it and forgot how it felt to not have painmouth? Underestimated how good a teeth can be! And man i never asked for reconstructive cosmetic stuff too but they did these caps and aaa my teeth never looked his good even when they were new!! My front teeth were always crooked even before they did the weird balogna slam together and shattered into a pile of crap. And now they look like perfect supermodel teeth!! The only side effect is that its a lil hard to get used to the lack of gaps between them now after so long dealing with the shattered mess. My tongue keeps being like "oh no did something get stuck in the gaps again oh wait there arent any" and then i subconsciously try to clean them after taking every bite and just bite my tongue instead. Man i never noticed i picked up a bunch of weird mannerismd cos of tje bad teeth! I was constantly paranoidly checking my mouth 24/7 in case the slightest thing made it even worse, and eating super gently so that nothing accidentally touched the Wrong Tooth and set off a jolt of pain. And i actually needed to get a filling put in on the leftmost back tooth that was the ONLY TOOTH I COULD USE TO EAT WITHOUT PAIN for all this time! Overuse of it meant that it got ground down a little and probably would have become painful too if i'd left it any longer. Then i really would have been all soups all the time and that sucks!! Soups are good but nothing but then gives u stomach issues. The bad poops!!

Man sorry im rambling so much im just so hyper and happy and also still kinda dopily sleepy! Im not still delirious or anything i just feel the happy kind of sleepy where the anesthetic is all gone and its not "oh god i cant stay awake" and more natural sleepyness of a long day being over and everything being okay. I had such a good long nap and i feel well rested after getting so little sleep beforehand due to all the dumb anxiety. And i still feel dozey but happy doze~

Anyway its awesometo be able to really chug and crunch a foods! With the other side of my mouth i forgot about! And taste milkshake to its fullest extent!! Oh and whats weird is that the reconstructive surgery capping on my front teeth means that theyre kinda one tooth now? The caps are all linked in a single piece to fill the gaps fully without even the natural ones you'd have on healthy teeth. So its like a solid tooth guard just sculpted to look like three teeth. Itll be tricky to train myself out of thts subconcious rubbing the gaps with my tongue when theyre not even there. But i expect once i get over the unfamiliarity this triple cap will be really useful! Theyre totes reinforced so that even if i do get tight mouth problems again and the front teeth take the brunt of the pressure, now theres no gaps to smash into each other and become a painful mess. Its like scaffolding reinforcing my whole mouth by fixing the loadbearing beam, or something.

Oh also these pain meds make u a little bit more sleepy than normal paracetamol so i'll probably doze off again soon. But hopefully i will have slept off most of the "healing debt exhaustion" tomorrow and will be able to go walk down the shops and buy some icecream and other soft food. I mostly stocked up on purely liquid food cos i tjought my mouth function would be more limited. But honestly the teeth are working so much better than before, they were already so swollen and painful that i couldnt crunch stuff! Now the mild discomfort of mid-healing from surgery feels like barely anything and i bet i could bite thru a goddamn rock right now! I just cant really swallow crunchy stuff or stuff thats too salty or citrusy. I didnt even know about the stabbity throat pipe so i didnt expect it to be the most painful part that takes the longest to heal. It feels so weird cos i keep coughing like my brain thinks theres phelgm stuck in my throat when its actually a skin flap/blister from the insertion. So obviously that aint going anywhere and i have to try and force myself not to cough or swallow or else i set off this cjain of "must get thing out of throat must puke" reflex. And the pain feels like a sore throat but it isnt?? Its not really inflamed ot anything its just an actual friction burn on the opening of my airway. Which is not a common occurance so the brain is justvlike "what the fuck is happening, must send all contradicting signals at once!" So sore throat medicine wont work cos that goes down your throat passage to your stomach when really this lil skin tag blister thing is in the lung throat opening thing. And sucking on throat sweets made it worse cos all the muscles were really tense around the area where the tube was inserted, hence why it was hard to swallow food even tho it was my windpipe that hurt. And sucking on something is kinda like perpetually swallowing nothing, when you think about it? Im glad that the muscle tenseness is mostly gone now and the painkillers are helping with the ouch, and my brainis getting usedto not coughing and making it worse. But still should eat soft easily swallowable stuff for a lil while and it'll be fun to go aroundthe shops with my last pocketful of change and find neat ingredients to stick in omelettes. Im so excited to taste all my favourite things in new HD functional mouth power!!! And i can smile at the shopkeeper!!!

And oh man i really do think that my sleeping problems with stiff neck and that kind of 'bloodrush to the head' migraine were indeed part of the bad wisdom teeth bleeding internally under the gum. I thought it had to be that cos nothing else in my life changed around that time aside from getting a better and healthier bed which should have been beneficial to my neck. And even going back to sleepong on the floor like before didnt make a difference so it definately wasnt the bed! And it kept getting worse while nothing was changing, and i kept trying different things like changing my pillows and headphones and cutting caffeine out of my diet and eating more salt and eating less salt and fuckin ANYTHING ELSE cos i knew if it really was the dumb tooth being infected then there was nothong i could do about it til my surgery day arrived. Itd be such a relief to know for sure that it was indeed the tooth and now that nonsense is gonna be gone forever! But also thats really worrying to know that it was getting so bad it could have spread an infection to my jawbone and the top of my spine if itd been left much longer. I kept sneezing up blood lumps like the size of a fifty pence piece! Had never had nosebleeds for a decade and now suddenly all the time! God it feels so good to be able to lay my head down and not feel all woozy and tense im the forehead or neck. I really hope this good neck untenseness continues and the awful aches really were just the tooth. But everyone in the hospital was so nice that i think even if i do need a second surgery to check for jaw infection then id be able to be less nervoud than i was this time

Man do u ever get that thing where youre so peaceful and contented that like you can breathe easier? Like subconciously taking bigger breaths and the middle of your chest feels slightly puffed out and warm. I guess thats what the "heart leaping in yout chest" idiom is meant to refer to, lol! Or maybe i can just literally breathe easier cos the tooth pain might have been passing into my nasal cavity too, lol. My entire head feels so less tense!! Its like all my bones were rebelling against me and now they're at peace again!! Man i feel so giddy happy like i chugged a giant energy drink or something but its the opposite its a good sleeps drink XD

So im gonna go lie down again and have a relax and watch a movie or something and see if i pass out when the medicine kicks in, or if its not too bad and i can still continue my hyper mood. But my nap was so long that its too late to go to the shops now anyway so i'll just make more plain omelette and milkshake if i get hungry. I mean it doesnt taste plain when all my sense of taste is so amplified likethis! I dont mind if its all i can eat all week. PURE MILKSHAKEY DECADENCE

Aaaaa im just so happy!! I missed my chance to get the new. Kingdlm hearts but ive beenwaiting fkr this surgery for ages too and it feels like just as much of an exciting relief!

[survivorgalaxysedge]

Episode 5 | Forgive Me Cowtown For I Have Sinned - Ari

ohhhhh i found something JUICY tonight!!! so yesterday the hosts got tired of me constantly asking how many fuel i have and gave me the command to view it, and i knew i was outta points so i was like ok cool we'll check it out tomorrow. TURNS OUT the scorekeeper bot shows you not just your personal points.... but the points of everyone in the game.... and WHOM is number two on that list with 36 entire points? that's right. my best friend keegan. my first thought was wtf ew how did he already recover from my sabotage, i feel zero percent guilty about doing that now! and then my second thought was WAIT...... this is PERFECT. so you can bet i ran right to all three of my allies to be like "hey omg i found something shady :0 didn't keegan say all his fuel got blown up the other day? well i pulled some receipts and it turns out he still has all of it! why would he lie about that??? so sus!" and now i'm laughing because there could not be a more perfect excuse to get him gone!!! i'm not gonna push it any more than that right now - for all i know, we'll prob win the next challenge again - but i've tucked the ammo away in my pocket, planted the ari seed in jonathan and zoe's heads, and i'll let it sit pretty there until i need it. also, i ended up telling ali what i did to keegan simply because he is 100% not going against me and i needed someone to tell me i'm funny, so i also let him know about this plan o mine and that we could use this against sir keegan, which he's so down for. god. i cannot wait to tell mj about all this shit.

Jacob being voted out of NuTrian is the second best thing that could have happened. Preferably Nathan but my OG Andro and Jessie are safe so that’s very good. Now we’ve got a Guess Who challenge which is okay. I don’t care if we get first or second, I just really really don’t want to get last. Let’s keep the good vibes going and be safe for a fifth straight tribal council. Ali told me he scored 11 points, I scored 10. I hope Zoe can whip out her survivor magic with a score of 8 or 9. And then hopefully Jonathan can pull out a good score as well. Nathan and Zach have both scored 12 on this challenge before, so I can only hope they keep up with that and score high again. Gotta make sure those other tribes flop. I’m still incredibly uncertain about how to play this steal a player advantage. It’s possible we ride this 3 tribe split all the way to merge. My guess is merge at 11 or 10. That would be quite a few tribals to go without another swap but it’s certainly possible. Though I could absolutely see a swap now at 12. Two tribes of six, and then merge at 10. A final 3 with 7 jurors perhaps? Either way, I think I’ll hold on to this advantage until it seems likely that I’ll need it. No sense in causing some chaos if it isn’t necessary.

ok so i'm doing well in challenges rn, as best as i can at least, and i feel like that's the only thing keeping me alive bc.... nobody talks to me. i feel like i'm starting every one on one conversation and desperately trying to keep it alive and not be left on read. idk if they're like this with each other or if its just me but !!!!!! it doesnt make me feel good abt potentially losing a challenge. so i will just keep carrying my weight and keeping my cute little head down and pray im just being paranoid<3

WELL We lost the immunity challenge which is the first loss after four straight immunity wins. That was a nice little break while it lasted. The obvious choice right off the bat is to vote for Ali. Keeps the OG Andro tribe fully intact, and avoids the most possible drama. However, I worry he might have found the Circi idol from his original tribe. Plus whatever advantage he may have gotten from the first challenge of the season. So the alternate thought is to maybe vote for Jonathan or Zoe. I adore Ari would not want to vote them out. It's tempting to throw a vote on one of them in the event of Ali playing an idol, just to keep myself safe. But if Ali doesn't have an idol, that could cause a whole world of issues. On the flip side, I wouldn't be entirely surprised if some or any of my tribe mates decided to throw my name under the bus. I haven't been the most social person and while I have definitely pulled my weight in the challenges, I could see them having their own little group that's willing to throw my under the bus and make things as painless as possible for the rest of them, especially considering they've all said they like Ali a lot. Ahhh this is all so much worse considering I have the hidden immunity idol. I don't want to waste it, but I also don't want to pull a Kellee Kim and go home with it in my pocket. 

it's kind of ridiculous how well this is all going???? why havent they voted me out yet i am running this shit -talked to ali, told him he's gonna be fine we just need to get people to vote for keegan -talked to jonathan, convinced him keegan is the most logical vote "because he's shady" and because it also means we can vote ali easily next time (versus going down to andro 4 and having it get much more messy) -jonathan was like "should we tell ali right before the vote?" and i was like i think you should call him and see where his head is at and we can go from there, jonathan said ok good point, if he says he wants to vote keegan and he also tells you that without any prompting from either of us we know he's real about it -yeeted myself into ali's dms the very second jonathan hung up like OK LISTEN HERE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY WHEN HE CALLS YOU, HE CANT KNOW I TOLD YOU ANY OF THIS -ali called me half an hour later like "omg we had such a good talk i love jonathan now deadass, i told him exactly what you said to say and he's so down" -presumably in the morning jonathan will call me and say "wow had a great talk with ali he seems cool and great and he said he'd vote keegan, what did he tell you?" and i can say "yeah same he mentioned keegan so i think we're good!" and jonathan will feel like we Did This Together and ali will feel like i Did This For Him and everyone will be in love with me -all i have to do tomorrow is make sure zoe is on board & that she doesn't feel pushed, and prob call keegan and make him some vague promises about working together long term, and then cross my fingers that i don't get blindsided during my editorial meeting at 9pm est i am having so much fun

i just keep thinking about how funny it’s gonna be when we get to merge and mj tells me to vote out all these people i’ve been making f2s with and i’ll be like “okay!!!!<3”

Not to go back to INV this round, but not much has been going on. I've been keeping up socializing but since we're not going to tribal it's been more quiet than it has been last round. I'm really glad we won though bc I feel vulnerable if we go to tribal again. Cindi seems close to Nathan, and Nathan and Jessie seem closer to each other than they will be to me so I'm worried I'd be an easy vote. So I'm really hoping for a swap or merge tonight, or at least a challenge we can excel in. Don't want it to come down to one point again.

^_^ Okay, so no important updates with this tribe! It's freaking QUIET. I haven't talked to Zach or Silver at ALL since being with this tribe. I've talked to Jules a lot and Asya some, though. I'd like to work with the two of them if possible and if we ever go to tribal here, which I don't want to do because uhhh it's worrisome! Anyway, the only actual update I have is that I found the legacy advantage!!! Randomly at like 2AM I found it. I don't remember what I was doing exactly... I think I just went to watch the Circi round 3 tribal and then the Trian round 4 tribal... and then I think I went to watch the Tribe Swap video to see if there was some sort of announcement made regarded the Oxygen Tank amounts because I was confused why that number was changed more than double. I guess I was also thinking that since the hosts didn't make an announcement that the adventure was resetting at the swap then MAYBE there would be a new twist/advantage inserted elsewhere for this next phase of the game? Now, being the crackhead that I am, of course back on original tribes, I SEARCHED everywhere on the blog that I could think of. Extenders URLs, the source code, hidden hyperlinks - everything. Nothing was there. But in this case, my brain said, hmm, let's just scroll down and see if there's anything in the description of the Tribe Swap Youtube video...and... there was!! I didn't really know what it was at first but when I opened it everything CLICKED! Finally the Reem Cameo from launch night serving a bigger purpose made total sense. After seeing this link in the description though and realizing it was calling back to something we were told about night one, I went back and checked to see if this had been hidden all along, and of course it's literally in the description of the Cast Reveal video!!! and every other video after that!!! Keeping in mind that I found this 11 days into the game, I was like, oh there's definitely some nerd that found this instantly on night 1 so I'm probably just gonna get a message saying nothing here or something like that. Obviously that wasn't the case though. I think nobody found this because I lot of people operate via mobile in these, and Youtube descriptions require an addition click to reveal what's there. Alternatively, for desktop users, who the hell is scrolling down for any reason while you're watching videos from your ORG?? It's nothing something anyone does naturally. So that explains that. Anyway, I'm happy I found it even though it has absolutely no use until Day 39. I will say though that having this and knowing that, it has really motivated me to get to the end of this game. Coincidentally, HOURS before I found this, I had a conversation with Jules about how quiet this tribe has been and that I'd like to start working towards bettering our positions moving forward seeing as there are people here with more/stronger connections than either of us. I just love that I found an advantage that motivates me to start playing this game, exactly how I'd voiced to Jules about feeling a desire to start doing SOMETHING. We love a live narrative!!!! Anyway, I'm not gonna tell Jules about the legacy advantage because it's an advantage that incentivizes people to vote out the owner and have it passed on. I trust Jules, we go YEARS back and have to successful runs as allies under our belts, but this is just something I'd like to keep to myself. Earlier today I also decided that I'm probably never gonna tell Ari about it either if our paths ever (hopefully) cross in this game. I wanna surprise my bestie! At any rate, Jules did tell me that Zach and Asya seem like the type of players that only play on tribal days (at least in this case of this game) which is fine, but I've played a few super intense, intimate, and high-stakes ORGs in the past couple of years which has made me prioritize personal relationships with people over barebones game relationships. This makes dealing with people who aren't that interested in getting to know me or revealing themselves to me a SUPER off-putting experience and a drastic change of pace from what I've become accustomed to. But I'm totally capable of adapting to this environment... I just don't necessarily prefer it. I feel like I have room to connect with Asya on a personal level if given the chance. Zach and Silver I don't know. Although, I do think that if we ever lose immunity here I could for sure spit some game to Silver that would make him believe I want to work with him. I already have an idea of how that conversation goes, and the potential negative consequence of it is practically non-existent on this swap tribe, whereas it could have backfired on me if original Trian lost that third challenge. Anyway, I'll get into that whenever we lose or if I get bored and initiate that chat just to feel something lol

No tribal ever again until merge or swap please. Jessie would be the one I'd want out and I assume Jay would as well but she has Nathan's shard so, like, he'd lose that and then I lose my hope of getting both their shards and misplaying my first idol because I'm not good at survivor

Yayyyy we won immunity. Idk what much else to say except that I got 40 fuel tanks

today i am mad and sad. lost the challenge, was my fault bc purple not pink. no i will not elaborate. now ari jonathan and i have decided to save ali and vote out keegan. i hope it goes well. i am filled with anxiety. i don’t even want keegan to go, we just have to make the decision based on the fact that we don’t want to be seen as a tight alliance going into merge, and keegan can make it look like there was a crack therefore not making us look strong. but he is just sacrificial unfortunately. but we’ll see how it goes. i’m still anxious

Wow we won what a concept See what happens when we don’t throw comps ? Anyways yeah that’s it I guess lol

Honestly I I'm done with these hoes I'm ready to vote off Keegan 

This is definitely a very stressful and emotional tribal. I hate that we’re voting for Ali because he is a genuinely fantastic person and under different circumstances I think we could have worked really well together in this game. But when there’s a 4-1 tribe swap and the four of us have absolutely no beef with each other, there’s not a whole lot that can be done. None of my other 3 OG Andro players come across as big move players either. So unless I’m being straight up lied to and am about to get completely blindsided, it’s looking like a unanimous Ali boot. Which is incredibly sad. I really wanted us to win out until merge so we wouldn’t have to vote him out. But such is the game. Keegan signing off (hopefully not for the last time)

#toinfinityandsurvive

[theday]

tagged by @ikyh and @younghyuuns ill be doing both sets !! :D thank you both for tagging me!! this got long so yall dont hav 2 read <3

ru?? rushee’s set!! me: wow ru does not sound like rushee at all ? djsjdhhjd im dumb but i realize now

i. do u believe in astrology? whats ur sign and do u line up with the features usually attributed to it?

fucc... i guess i do ;-0...... and yeah i think?????? like they say capricorns are cold bitches and funny nd im like ya thats me... but they also say we’re hard workers and im like uh.. dont know abt that karen !

ii. what’s ur favorite pair of socks?

bbbbbbb..... socks huh...... i guess my ankle ones? there are also socks that have actual designs on them and those r usually thicker.. keep my feets safe! most of them have pkmn designs bc.. yeah... love the poke mans

iii. what’s a food that reminds you of a specific moment/memory?

i could think of anythiing and get reminded of one situation if that makes sense.. but i thought of pineapple..pizza... anyway the memory isnt anythngn special its just me staring at my delicious hawaiian pizza..... at my favourite pizza place.... love that shit

iv. what’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping?

i dont have the actual hours but the latest ive stayed up.. like willingly would be until 2am

v. how has ur taste in music changed throughout ur life?

went from 1d to 5so/s + other bands to utaite.... they cover vocaloid songs ig i never kno how2 explain what utaites r then 2 kpop.. but i still listen 2 bands + kpop and utaites.... so nothing much has changed ive just gone broader.. wider... expanded my tastes... 

vi. who’s ur fashion icon?

oh definitely kim wonpil

vii. what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done without realizing?

i breathe dumbass particles.. i cant think of one bc my brain probably blocked off all access to my horrifying past but ive been thinking abt how i used 2 send the boy i used 2 like 1d songs....................... 12 y/o old me rly thought. he’d listen.... 12 y/o me thought spamming him was a good idea glad ive learnt from that! 

viii. what’s something you want to brag about?

my grades but it didnt get me into psychology so nvm ! its still good though i didnt expect to get an A1 (hghest grade) for combined humanities since ive had a B my whole life without it i wouldnt be able to move on education wise lmao so thank god for that thanks cambridge thanks bell curve sunbaenim 

ix. when you imagine urself being happy in the future, where exactly are you (like the location!)?

oh definitely an apartment somewhere where its always windy and the curtains are always Moving and the sun just Shines in the room but its not that hot either its just full of warmth and yeah thats the dream maybe also walks in the park without having 2 worry abt sweating my pits out u kno! tldr anywhere but here

x. what’s something you’ve always wanted to own?

let me Think.... i dont need a lot/?? but id love hm.............. i want stability but realistically i want all the hh pcs from the code albums. 

xi. how’ve you been lately?

good good! i finished my *** fic and its. im proud of it though i know its not that good nd i can do better but its done ! and hm i could be going to see mx but asking my mum is stressing me out speaking of her she wont stop Coughing and she refuses to see the doctor ;-/ love those sleepless nights ! other than that i just want 2 get out and feel the sun ???/ wanna get out of this house yea but i need to be.. shady with my money i cant get a job because school is starting in a month and im going overseas again sometime next month so ! no ones gonna hire someone who can only work for 2 weeks at most dhzjhhs shouldve worked when i had the time dumbasses only

ok now falen

1. what’s been on your mind??

hm redacted feeling towards my mum but i cant say them bc itd be insensitive 

2. what are you looking forward to? 

mx? possibly but also finishing my enrolment papers

3. story time!: how and when did you get into day6!!!!!

fuck...... listen up LADS. 

ive told the same story like 10 times but im never gonna get tired of saying this shit bc i love miss boxy so much nd she deserves the appreciation anywy she introduced me 2 day6 after i saw this one (1) picture of brian in minion glasses and instantly i knew in that Fucking moment thatd id die for him. so i asked for the name of my murderer and was introduced to day6 whom frankly id never heard of b4 bdjhjh she sent me all their mvs and i still remember the night . i remember walking out of this japanese restaurant, twitter open, chat wiht boxy there and i was like.. interesting ill go listen when im home so i Did! and my mind was blown away bitch? i honest 2 god expected them to be a boy group,,, dancing and shit yknow? i didnt know k bands existed ! so as a previous 5/sos stan i was like wow. this??? this shit is 10/10 a fucking BANGER thats what i felt listening 2 i smile and just going :O over the fucking instruments so idk if how can i say was the last or second song but Damn. .. it made me scream thanks mister j** he rly dragged me by the collar of my shirt and threw me face first into Heaven so i watched everything i asked my friend for video recommendations and after boxy sent me a page with their face and names i was like this jae kid is 182 cm? wow gotta stan now im stupid and stupid for glasses and tall people so ! it happened bithc,, ugh i lov eday6 so much i remember binge watchng all their vlives after the july after party live (that being the first vlive i watched Ever in my entire life and i laghed so hard despite not understanding a damn thing) please id giv my heart and soul2 day6 im so happy with the way ive progressed as a myday :^( 

bonus when i first started stanning it was 26th june and shortly after i made a stan acc teasers were being dropped but i didnt kno why ppl were freaking out i remmeber seeing jae’s teaser nd going ? ok? its just a pic damn ;-/ and then eveeryone was like: dowoon! choker! me: wdhs? what

4. ????do you have any allergies????

did u think of jae and no i used to be allergic 2 dairy products but thats disappeared

5. a fond memory???

bowling with friends and im just a disaster of a friend im always so loud with them and i thank god everyday that they handle my energy ? i would cheer for them even if they got a gutter or whatever and when they got a strike id go clap like crazy i love my friends i also went i have the power of god and anime on my side before flinging the ball and theyd laugh despite not knowing what vine that was from i love my friends... psg if ur out there yall are the best x i miss hanigng out with them as a trio.. three of us :( 

6. do you paint your nails?? if so, what are your fave colors to use?? if not, why??  

thats so.. tiresome.......... dont u have 2 wait for it 2 dry and shit ? my mums always worried abt ruining the colour or some sht nd im like !!! okY!!!!!!! tldr its a pain in the ass

7. what are your favorite colors?? what are your fave colors to wear??

i like hte colour of the sky... all the colours........ yeah love that bithc and lately ive been wearing a lot of black shirts finally went out of my embarrassing colourful phase ! 

8. what languages would you like to learn?? for what reason(s)??

japanese nd korean jp because i listen to a lot of things in japanese and korean for the same reason but my priority would be jp even tho id love to communicate with my faves i just... yeah although im not exactly making an effort 2 learn bc im lazy but if i Could.... itd be those two

9. when you get stickers, do you use them or do you keep them??

DHDGFHDHDGDSJHJSJAKSSJHFHS THIS FEELS LIKE A CALL OUT???? i keep them......... 

10. are there any groups that you might get into/want to get into?

hm... well theres knk ive learnt their names and im finally able to put name 2 face so thats nice svt too if htey didnt have such large numbers... thats all for now i think?? i love evry girl group though i love gIRLS... 

11. how are you???

idk im constantly just fine?? not the im sad but im fine kind of fine im literally just neutral half the time wjhddshs wild 

both of your questions were really unique and i loved answering them thank you so much for tagging me and if youve read until the end thank you i hope you have a good day!

#tag games #moon texts #its with the s righthd hsjdhd

[dearbagelgirl]

Dear Bagel Girl

I did a lot today tbh..it was productive until my nap lmao which is bad cause i really need to study

Today in my chicano class, we talked about school shootings like ALL class. I gave my input and stuff and it was interesting and stuff about what people had to say. 

Afterwards, I bought Martha lunch at my work and she loved the nachos i recommended AND I TRIED THE NEW SANDWICH WE’VE BEEN MAKING AND IT IS SO FUCKING BOMB LIKE DAMN FUCK ME THE FUCK UP

Then while we were there, we tried getting our apartment and it didnt work. Like we were really upset so now we’re gonna hope we can manage financially trying to look for our own.

I went to my consultation today. He told me the type of surgery he would want to perform on me and basically told me everything I expected to hear. Im forever going to have two scars on my chest, and honestly, i dont care. I know a lot of trans people hate their scars, which sucks, but idk.. my story will literally be written on my chest. And just, I’m already in love with them not even knowing how they’re going to look. Of course i still hope I scar nicely but i know they’ll never fade and I’m okay with that. He did tell me a lot more complications that can happen and he said he’s only done 6 specifically for transmen and I know forsure 2 of those were done with the technique he’ll do on me, but being in his presence, i trust him. I’m a little more worried about those complications though cause I didnt know some of what he said and im like fuck..He then asked that I schedule an appointment with a ..doctor? but like its like therapy. Basically she’s going to give the okay on the surgery saying that im not going to regret this decision and that im mentally okay. IT SUCKS THOUGH CAUSE I CANT SEE HER UNTIL APRIL 24TH! So forsure, my surgery is most likely going to happen in August.

I guess it gives me more time to save money for everything by the time august comes? He also recommended that I stay overnight instead of going immediately home after surgery. So it looks like im going to be spending the night in the hospital for my first time :0 but im going to explain this all to my doctor when I see her next week for the monthly check up and see what she thinks

--i just checked my midterm grade..LMAO FUCK i really did fail lmao why am i not sad??? lmao fuck i gotta ace this final smh

I picked summer courses. i didnt officially enroll, but I will be taking two classes from June 23-August 3rd ((hopefully)) which is why I have to wait until August :( but it’s cool cause like my surgeon said Im going to need at least 6 weeks for good mobility so ima be out of work :/ I hope they’re okay with me being gone so long. I would only be going to class Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays but I’ll basically be there all day. THE CLASS ON WEDNESDAY IS FROM 3-7:30 PM LIKE FUCK ME? FUCK. I have to take it though if i want to minor in Education.

Then I went to class after my consultation and THEN MADE A DELIVERY AND GOT AN EASY $20 ;) 

Then took a nap and spent like an hour talking to you <3 i really miss you. More than usual today i think. I really wish I could kiss you and you need to go to Europe so I know forsure that there’s no way I can see you even If I wanted to. I know, right now, in the back of my mind I could see you but it would be just really stupid to, but at least I would know like FORSURE i cant during that time.. :( I think we’ve hit that point where we spent more time apart than together if you dont count the interaction we had last week. It’s a sad thought but im not sad. I’m still very much happy, just miss you is all.

I wish i could kiss you. everyday. 

I love you so much beautiful <3

-ya boi

February 28, 2018 ((OH SHIT ITS MARCH TOMORROW))

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 2: “In all seriousness, I think I’m just stupid.” - Mo

Oop, so Madeline went bye bye without hitch. And Mitch lol sort of popped off a bit which turned out rub some people the wrong way.

Well as long as it doesn’t endanger me, it’s ok. Except for the fact that Michael brought up my name to Julia as a potential target just because we haven’t had good talks.

Honestly tho, talking to Michael is hard because he’s like a robot or whatever. He really is a big blue robot or whatever.

Right now, I think I’m in a good spot to not be that worried on Michael. I’ve got an alliance with Jason and Julia. Though we haven’t solidified a duo or whatever, Jared and I are working together as well probably. I’m getting closer with Ali and Benji and I have had talks of watching each other’s back.

So far the potential targets if we lose are Mitch and Noah. I have talks with Mitch and I think he’s sort of a lose cannon but right now he trusts me I think so yeah. People are leaning towards Noah because he talks the least with people.

But I do hope we win immunity, UgH!! I blame Drew for not putting me on a dominating tribe grrrr where’s the monte Rosa winning streak power when you need it.

AHHHHHH BEEEP BOOOP BEEEP BOOP. This twist sucks. There is a power dynamic that is going on.  Julia, Ben , Ali , and I are in an alliance. Seperataly though. I don't think they are aware of how much strategy I talk with Julia (which is how we want it). It seems Ian Jason are the biggest threats since they are liked and have numbers. BUT I CANT TAKE THEM OUT BECAUSE OF THE TWIST AHDHEUEJIDKD. So it seems Mitch is the target but I can't let Ian and Jason stay too long otherwise I am fucked. It's only a matter of time before they realize what I'm doing and I become a target (maybe even next tribal). BEEEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP

So last tribal went super smooth. Madeleine bye girl, but you were a ticking time bomb and you needed to go. And you also threw MY precious name out to Jared. In my first confessional I said I didn't want you here, and I got what I wanted. Now we are on this round. A puzzle challenge for immunity? Seriously? This has me FUCKED up boo. But I don't know weather to worry or not about tribal council. Last round, after I stirred the pot a bunch for the Madeleine vote she had an elaborate plan to get Mitch out that I myself pressured her into doing. I let Mitch know about her plan and at tribal shit got interesting. He blew the fuck up on the girl. And this was beautiful. It put a target on his back. So I might just be in the clear. His name will definitely be brought up just for that. This tribe doesn't like crazy explosive people (lol me in crossroads). But I also have gotten so far on this idol board, I might have the chance to snatch that bitch up. Lets pray everything goes well for me!!!

I realize in hindsight that im coming off as really mean in my confessional, but it was just like,,, in the moment? Yk??? A more concise version - usually when people like JJ fly high and take control early on, people get mad and they crash and burn really quick. So as much as it might break my heart, I might have to let that happen.

Forgot to mention thoughts on relationship statuses atm: Jules says she trusts me Alex says he trusts me Mo says he trusts me JJ says he trusts me Tom is iffy but I feel like we have a stronger relationship? Especially if he’s closer with JJ (which I personally believe he is) he’ll feed him info that’ll go back to me I have a good relationship with evan for the most part ? We talk on and off but we’re both just busy lol Caeleb my grandson/angel and I have a great relationship - we talk about Pokémon a lot Willow and I are iffy but like a fun iffy And David is the most innactive, but we bond over not talking on calls sometimes

So first things first thank GOD we won immunity I was not getting good vibes from people so I think I would been gone. Anyhoot, I definetly feel like there is an alliance already formed between Tom and JJ for sure and then possibly Jones Jules and lets throw in Alex, Those 5 seemed to be so comfortable and non scrambly this past tribal that im SUS. Going into this challenge wowie a math puzzle, not good for me and it showed! I definitely think we are losing now so I really have to push the vote for like Evan maybe because a bitch wants to stay and he's probably more inactive than I. Listen guys I really want to be on more but as Rihanna said I just gotta Work Work Work Work Work Work so that's that on that. I just hope they let this bitch stay!

Okay so let's get INTO this:

I know that my biggest weakness is the fact that I don't do a great job at times of talking to people. Ever since Day 1 though I've been making a solid effort to speak to every single person on my tribe two or three times every day.

So let's start with the first reward challenge. I tried really hard because I wanted to make a good first impression challenge wise. I feel like if you put in a solid performance in the first challenge, your tribe will be more understanding if you struggle in a future challenge.

As soon as I saw the flag part of the first immunity challenge, I knew that we were going to probably lose it no matter what, and there was strategy behind me wanting to take it on. Everyone on my tribe was already hyping up the fact that the other tribe had that part in the bag, so I knew that if I put in a solid effort and lost, it would be seen as "He stepped up for us and tried hard even though he had no shot" rather than "he fucked it up for us". I had to step on Madeleine's toes and kind of be rude to make sure that I got to do the flag, but that didn't really concern me since nobody seemed to like her anyway?

Now when it came to the first vote of the season, pretty much the whole damn tribe told me they wanted to do Madeleine. I think the fact that she really didn't talk to anyone until she NEEDED to is what played a major part in her elimination. Honestly, I didn't really like her at all LMAO, so I didn't mind seeing her go home.

The fact that Madeleine was already basically screwed and confirmed to go home was great bc it gave me the opportunity to take advantage of that situation for myself and build up my trust/credibility with other people. Madeleine came to me just a couple of hours before the voting deadline with her plan to get a group of people to vote against Mitch and send him home. I basically just was like "yasss I agree that's a great plan sis omg you're MIND". I asked for a list of who her 'numbers' were before agreeing to vote with her, and of course with her being desperate, she had no choice but to comply. Sis sent me a whole ass list of her alleged allies, and I was gagged becuase literally all of them had been shit talking her and saying that they were voting her out ALL DAY.

I took that information to Mitch and let him know about her plan, which gained me some brownie points and trust building with him. And then I went to the people she listed and was sort of like "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that she's going around telling people who she thinks you're voting for". Overall, I think that Madeleine's messiness really benefited me and my connections with the tribe.

Following Madi's elimination, if I had to rank my tribemates in terms of who I trust most to least, it would work out like this:

1) Julia 2) Ali 3) Mitch 4) Jason 5) Ben 6) Jared 7) Ian 8) Michael

Julia, Ali, Mitch & Jason interact with me the most. They always respond when I message them to start a conversation, and they aren't shy about hitting me up and initiating conversations. Ben, Jared & Ian won't really initiate conversations with me, but if I message them first they'll always message me back pretty quickly and engage with me. With Madeleine gone, Michel is now the most difficult for me to socialize with. Our conversations tend to die quickly if I don't put in maximum effort, which is kind of annoying, but I'll keep trying because I relaly don't want to end up like Madi and have everyone vote me out because I didn't try with them.

I'm kind of nervous at the moment with this vote just bc nobody is really giving me names yet? I'm hoping that the reason why is that they are waiting for tomorrow morning and just don't want to throw out names too early. I feel a bit like Sandra in the sense that as long as it's not me, I don't care. I'm not sacrificing my game for ANY of these people. That's what I love about these TS orgs; these people aren't my friends and I don't feel bad at all about sending any of them home LOL.

I'm really hoping to form a more formal alliance soon, but I want to be VERY cautious. I'd rather keep it small with just a few people that I trust not to go throwing me under the bus and leaking shit. An ideal situation would be me, Julia, Ali & Mitch as a strong foursome, but I need to talk to them separately as individuals first and try to figure out if any of them are already in group chats/alliances before I try to pull them into a commitment. The last thing I want is to try to form an alliance with people that are already set in other groups.

Anyway, I'm just going to try to continue being super social and hope that it plays out in my favor. BTW this twist is evil and I despite it, but I'm just going to have to work with it and adapt.

tom was really drunk and messaged me all these nice things so i really want to make him my ally now even though he's messy!!!

Well, today we probably lost the competition. Considering I was 4x faster than my maze partner. Willow doesn't know how to do math. David probably hasn't done his competition.

But in the same light, Evan and I did really well in our competitions. So, who knows? I might actually like to lose a competition. It would be interesting to see if people's heads are actually where they say they are.

I’m so upset, I always get fucking challenges in games that I CAN’T do I don’t know how to do it. Then we talk about our scores and Evan was like oh I did it in a minute but I could of done it quicker if I had a mouse and I’m just like I SCORED 16 MINUTES AND IM FINE BECAUSE I DIDN'T SCORE OVER TWENTY MINUTES.

In all seriousness I think I’m just stupid. Like when I was doing the challenge I was confident. I always go in with a “I’m gonna do great!” attitude and then I hear about how well the others did and it’s like getting hit by a car.

I'd also like to give an update on how I feel about everybody in this game.

Alex seems like he's the person I'd like to work with most, but he also seems the most hesitant to commit to any kind of long term alliance. Jules & Jones are really difficult to tell apart, but they're both lovely people. They seem to be super open to working together, and they both compliment me out the butt hole. Tom is really sweet. He seems to be very easily woo'd by attention and compliments, which shouldn't be too difficult. He's like. Super cute and very fun to talk to. Mo is cool, we share a lot of the same sense of humor, lots of the same references. Its also super comforting that he's also on the same timezone as I am. Evan seems really cool. I feel awful about never responding to his messages on time, which could really hurt my game. Caeleb is so fuckin cute. Like he's just a wholesome lil bean, I don't know how he's going to survive in such a cutthroat game like survivor. Maybe that's his strategy, have everyone underestimate him. Maybe he's scary and spooky. ^ Y'all really got me out here talking like a tumblrina.. Anyways, onto Willow. We seem to have the same conversation everyday and it never really goes anywhere. Awkwardddd. For David, whenever he does go on call, he never talks, and it just becomes this awkward silence, he really brings down tribe morale.

https://youtu.be/71NJ9oc-WrI <- Video didn’t embed

Video afterthoughts: According to Alex JJ seems more interested in the idea of a swap happening and is now turning onto the idea of voting David? I’m gonna actually talk to jules about how they feels tho bc they said they trust me and I wanna like,, show the trust in return? I want them to feel good w me as much as I feel good w them

It seems like me and Julia created the vote once again, and AGAIN it is not traced back to us. Michael is under the impression he created the vote (lol) which is good for us, no blood on our hands. The reasoning behind planting Mitch and Michael as targets into people's head was to see how they scrambled so we could flush every alliance. We now know Mitch and Michael are working together. If all goes well it should be unanimous (if we even had to go to tribal).

We didn't go to tribal the first time around so David got to stick around. I have an odd feeling that we didn't win immunity so tonight will be the actual chance to do so. I really do think it'll be him because he's so inactive and I think its best to keep our tribe active and playing rather than scrambling and weak. Plus I have talked to many people about it so it would be a pretty big blindside if it was someone else and I would be left aghast!

JJ is clearly an influencer in the tribe, and I think he likes me and wants to keep me around and I am perfectly fine being a number in his game. At least for the time being, because at this point that's a strong strategy for me. I think I am making real genuine connections that I can profit from, both strategically but also personally because we have some fun people here :).

okay so this is the end, hold your breath and count to ten. i'm going home. i can just sense it, its my time and i can feel it hap-hap-happenin'. the vote is theoretically noah, but everyone is going quiet so i think its me. my takeaways are that i was too wishywashy, and left myself vulnerable due to my poor social game.

in other news, if the vote is noah i will be SHOCKED. i think we will probs swap too, so we will see. I think it wont matter this is the end, I'm going byebye very very soon rippy rip!

https://youtu.be/KdBeFE1iYWg <- Video Confessional from Day 6

https://youtu.be/ZQZ1ktG2lU0 <- Tribal Council #2 Vote

(Both did not embed)

Day Numero 6; Honestly nothing is popping off in this game for me! So hard to type a confessional because i could be highly naive about my position in this game and i could be getting votes tonight but i have not heard any names except for david once again. 

[thanos-kin]

dear evan hansen headcannons

EVAN: - bisexual - 5'10 - he tends to do things like tap his pencil or his foot or he plays with erasers or some shit he's just always doing something with his hands - has those erasers with removable pieces because "THEY'RE CUTE CONNOR I LOVE THEM" - freckles. more freckles after a day in the sun. freckles everywhere. - has a bonsai tree - DRIVES LIKE A GRANDMA - actually really fit because of his outdoor activities?? - lifted connir off of the ground like he was a feather and everyone was Shocked - "THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE EVER LIFTED ME" "oh mY GOD CONNOR" - LOVES TO BAKE BUt kind of sucks at it - afraid of big dogs. and fluffy dogs. and dogs with big eyes and long tails and legs and just dogs. he's scared of dogs. - cheesy romantic. reads romance books and watches romantic movies and just. my boy. - when he's feeling down he goes to connor because they can trust each other because of the one thing they have in common - the suicide attempts. - dyed a streak of his hair blue for halloween one time and made connor cry - CONFIDENT DRUNK - got high once and laughed for seven minutes straight before passing out - has a burn scar on his back from when jared set him on fire by accident - learns to do hair because he likes touching connors hair - he maybe likes connors dog a little bit - "i may seem collected on the outside but on the inside i am screaming 24/7." CONNOR: - borderline personality disorder !!!! - sees a therapist and takes medication - he honestly went through ten therapists before deciding to go with evan to his therapist - has a pitbull named cheese that his mom got him to help calm him down when he snaps - still a dick every now and then but he's Trying - 6'0" - panseuxal - is literally. always napping. he sleeps on the ground. on his desk. on evan. anywhere. - paints his nails when he's high with 100% accuracy but fails when he's sober - "ZOE HOW DO YOU USE EYELINER" - LOVES sweets. needs them. craves them. - literally cries over evan's freckles like what - sarcastic as all hell - he and jared's friendship is just a race to see who can roast the other faster - draws on himself constantly until he has literal sleeves of designs on his arms. then he moves to drawing on his friends. - alana buys him a sketchbook when she wakes up with white sharpie printed on her face - he draws the most AMAZING scenery and designs - probably wants to be a tattoo artiat - always records himself when he's high - new bruises and cuts every day - he bumps into things a lot when he's high - he gets his first piercing from a dude in an alley. it's a septum piercing. everyone screams when they see it. - hates pepe - comments on how gay he is every day. - still has bad days and when he does he locks himself in his room and calls evan - evan's talk of trees got him into plants. owns seven cactuses, a pot full of forget-me-nots and three succulents with names and backstories. - "i will shove my foot so far up your ass you'll be tasting leather and shit for the rest of your pathetic life you wrinkly numbnut" ZOE: - still having trouble forgiving her brother for all the years of mental abuse - 5'10 - lesbian af - makeup that could literally kill a god - likes to wear crops tops and dresses - wears sweatpants to school ONCE and is reminded of it every day for the rest of her life - literally a huge photography nerd - has EVERY PICTURE SHES EVER TAKEN hanging on her wall. even that ugly ass one of connor screaming over titanic when they were thirteen. - probably does yoga - dreams of going to paris. can literally speak in french and owns literally everything with the eiffel tower on it. - replies to everything in meme language. her parents are worried for her. connor wants to die again. - has a poem alana wrote to her on her wall next to her bed - so many pictures of alana - HANGED A PEPE PICTURE IN THE SHOWER ONCE THAT MADE CONNOR SCREAM WHEN HE SAW IT - likes to draw constellations with evan's freckles on his face - literally has not combed her hair since fourth grade?? its just naturally perfect??? - "im gayer than you connor" - SWEARS LIKE A SAILOR WHEN SHE BUMPS INTO SOMETHING - so much emoji's - steals all of alana's hoodies ALANA: - hates not having anything to do so much - 5'6" - in every school club tbh - also a lesbian - a journalist/writer - literally stays up until 2 am every day and comes to school looking like a goddess - GOD IS SHE SMART - she probably tutors everyone - "what's the answer to this problem alana" "hella" - BIG HAPPY SMILES - can kill you in two seconds with The Look - READS SEVEN BOOKS A DAY - probably listens to asmr - totally has tumblr - LITERALLY SHINES BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN - feminist. not a feminazi, will make jokes about women being in the kitchen with jared but will stab you if you are genuinely against women's rights - attempts to do yoga with zoe once. she breaks her nose. - SHE'S A MESS. HER WORK STATION IS JUST FULL OF CRUMPLED PAPERS AND PENS AND COFFEE MUGS. - likes to do diys. - "ZOE I DID A DIY FACE MASK AND I CANT GET IT OFF" - once punched a man for a klondike bar - "sorry im two hours late feminism called" JARED: - panromantic asexual!!!!! - 5'4" - a gaming youtuber - actually somehow has like 1,000 followers??? - everyone has been in his videos at least once - EATS A BATH BOMB ON CAMERA - every birthday connor buys him a bath bomb and screams "CRONCH" in his face - enjoys really cringey memes - has a german shepard named Sir Titlicker - "EVAN SIR TITLICKER WILL NOT EAT YOU" - once tripped on a bug - he's actually self conscious and hides behind self deprecating jokes - threw a dreidel at the menorah once when he was little and is still not allowed near the menorah - soft chub legs - much Sarcasm - literally is so sarcastic with connor??? they like each other but sometimes even evan wonders if they actually like each other or not - probably enjoys nickelback - HUGE SUBWAY FAN. WOULD SHOVE SUBWAY UP HIS ASS FOR FREE. - likes star wars probably - wore a shirt that said "im a gamer" once - "burn that shirt now" "EVAN WHAT THE FUCK" - actually cried when he played slenderman with Evan - "are you ok" "IS HE GONE EVAN IS HE GONE" "yes" /looks up and sees slenderman appear "WHDBANFBJDJSBSDH" /evan is wheezing - makes dirty jokes 24/7 but literally blushes for 9 years if you make a dirty joke towards him - actually Fragile - in a cult probably - probably has a runescape series on his YouTube channel - has set evan on fire before - he tries to be a good friend he really dies but he fails sometimes - "are you a nail baby because ill hammer you into the wall tonight ;)"

#dear evan hansen #evan hansen #connor murphy #jared kleinman #alana beck #zoe murphy #deh #dear evan hansen headcannons #headcannons

[ts-seychelles]

EP. 9 - “Call Me A Spoon Cause I Really Tried To Stir The Pot” - AUGUSTO

Ruben went home...... expected? He was inactive af. He was definitely a closer ally of mine, and it sucks that he went down the way he did, but there was really nothing else that was going to be done to save him. There was a half attempted effort right before tribal, but also people didn't wanna do it bc he was throwing his closest people under the bus, which was bizarre to me. It was just a bad move ANYWHOM. I was busy last round until tribal essentially, and just didn't have time to do my confessional where I just go and RANK how much I trust everyone lol god speed Tier 1: Top Trust 1. Augusto - He is obviously my #1. He has been giving me some antsy responses lately, and he didn't immediately tell me about the Regan idol thing and STILL didn't tell me about the OG Malabar alliance that was made that includes Nicole, but it's fine because we've got each other as our number ones, and I genuinely don't think he has that kinda relationship with anyone else, and I'm fairly certain Augusto would never vote me out. 2. Dan - Honestly the difference between 2 and 3 are splitting hairs, but Dan seems like he is going to be the most beneficial to my game in the long run. He is definitely a more well versed player than #3, and I know that he is going to tell me most things. The way I found out Augusto was keeping things from me, was from Dan, and I know that my relationship with Dan is good, we've been to finals together, and he has told me on more than a few occasions that he trusts me the most in the game, which is normally a pretty good sign. 3. Crooks - Gosh I love Alex so much. I am so happy he got to return to the game, and I'm happy he just gets to play this merge the way he wants to. I do know he's a little socially awkward, he makes some questionable game moves, and honestly hasn't made it the FARTHEST in games recently, but I do think that Alex wouldn't turn his back on me if I showed him the utmost loyalty that I could, which I'm going to try to do. My biggest challenge for the rest of the season is going to be convincing all three of these people that I am running all the way to the end of this game with them, and hopefully that'll keep me from being blindsided haha Tier 2: A Good Amount of Trust 4. Vilma - Vilma is a gem. Tbh I think she trusts me more than most people as well. I don't think I'm her top person, but I do think I'm really up there. Vilma told me about the idol, we had three alliances in common (one with Zach, power bottoms with Asya, and golden girls with Dan and Augusto), but I do actually think that Vilma is just a straight up, and loyal, player. The only problem is that I think everyone sees Vilma as that. I feel she's just a wild card in my book because she CAN do something, but my gut is telling me she's going to want to ride this out with me as long as she can, especially since I know about her idol and normally people don't fuck with people who know they have the idol Tier 3: The Average Tier 5. Asya - Y'know......... idk. We have the Power Bottoms alliance, she has been very straight up with me in PMs, and I feel that Asya wouldn't do this to me. There are too many factors in the game right now, where I feel I can at least trust that she wouldn't vote for me until the final 9, so that's that on that. 6. Ricky - Ricky also really seems to have a good connection and trust with me. The main reasons I've got Ricky here (and kinda Asya too), is because I just feel that they both aren't the MOST active, and are definitely relying on some of their earlier relationships, which is me, also they're worried about being under fire, and I think that they will be soon because both of these guys are being coupled together, but we've been on good terms on a tribe before, and honestly this entire game, but I'm just pessimistic about anyone wanting to actually work with me long term, so I get confused. Tier 4: These People Make me Feel Confused 7. Regan - Who would've thought there's a world where Regan wasn't last, but instead she was right in the middle of the pack. Tbh, with how this game has gone, Regan should be higher, but just because of our past, this is a safe place to be. Regan and I have gone AT IT in the past, and she is a very sporadic player, and truly could do anything at any time, and she can decide she doesn't want to work with me anymore. I have an alliance with her and Augusto, which is making me feel good about our working relationship, and with Augusto hopefully staying very tight, he can make sure that there's no funny business. I do know that if Regan plays an idol at an unexpected time, I should probably get a little worried, and follow suit afterwards to make sure that it isn't an idol play on me. She has actually seemed to have been playing a good game so far, and I've got some confidence that Regan is going to shake the world a little bit this game, and I'm kinda here for it. 8. Jared - So like? I know he's a slimy motherfucker and he trusts other people way more than he could ever trust me, but I like him a lot as a person and we have great talks. I made a deal with Jared and Nicole to not go after them, and I know they have relationships with lots of people, and lots of trio chats, and they probably have to keep up in all of them to seem like they don't have trios with EVERYONE, but it's just a mess. I think once Jared or Nicole goes, I'm going to be incredibly close to the one who ends up staying, but I just don't know whoever stays, I am going to try to forge an incredible relationship with. I don't mind whether it's Jared or Nicole that ends up staying, but I bet Jared going is probably better for my long term game just because he's such a bigger snake in the grass. Also I know he knows about Regan's idol, so that's something too, but my connection with Jared, in this given moment, is better than my relationship with Nicole 9. Nicole - I feel we haven't connected in awhile, which is worrisome to me because I know she plays hard. I know Nicole is threatening, and she is probably more threatening than I've even thought about her being ever. I didn't think Nicole was a big ticket player, but honey she is PLAYING. I just need a better relationship. I know her or Jared should be out of the game soon, and I kinda hope Nicole is the one that falls by the wayside because I almost trust that Jared might lean on me more. 10. Roxy - ROXY IM SORRY YOU'RE DOWN HERE BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE, but you are the biggest ORG tease I've ever ever played with. You make me feel so good in our relationships every game we've played together, but then you've taken me out of both of them (in one you attempted, but failed) without hesitation, and I don't trust you. I know we're good friends, and I honestly think that you trust me more than you trust most other people in this game, but I still don't want you here, and if the opportunity arises, I really do know I'm going to want you out, and vote for you at the first chance I can. At this point, I'm going to keep talking to you as if we're working together, but I'm not giving you any information...... i cant trust it. I hope I can see your intentions were good after this game, but genuinely, I don't know what to believe with the last two ORG experiences we've had together. Tier 5: Who? 11. Frankie - I'm almost certain you're going home next lol. Talk to people :)

Regan is so fucking annoying sometimes. Like she acts like she knows better than everyone else all the time. I care about her as a human, but don’t pass judgement on me when what I’m doing has literally no bearing on your life whatsoever. Stop acting holier than thou and go back to fucking Red Robin and get your 20% tips and continue to pass judgement on the people who might want to go out with their family for a nice meal, but not be able to tip a full 20%. If you don’t like it, don’t fucking work a job that pays $2 an hour. Jesus Christ. It’s Christmas so I’m gonna go back into my Baby Jesus lane and shut the fuck up, but Regan’s on my shit list now.

6:31 PM okay i want Jared AND Nicole out I'm so TIRED of this like they clearly dont trust me nicole hasnt spoken to me since merge jared made me PROMISE that I wouldn't go after him, presuming in his tone that he already didnt trust me i am not liking my position. I need to go back and remember which people i told that I wanted Roxy out over Ruben bc i think more people might want to work with roxy now (which i knew would happen) and i dont want it all getting back to her because i think she thinks im one of her closest Augusto just told me that jared proposed to roxy a voting block of roxy augusto jared nicole asya ricky which makes me think even MORE that nicole jared ricky roxy asya need to GO But tbh I trust Asya, and kinda Ricky I have a feeling that Ricky wouldn't vote for me if it came down to it i also feel im lowkey playing a horrible game lmfao thank you for coming to my christmas day confessional :)

(A LITTLE LATER)

sorry...... im still going My biggest problem is that this game has been moving lowkey slow, strategically speaking and time wise, and now we've gotta wait an extra day to boot up the game again, even though no one is doing anything at 10pm the night of christmas, but whatever, that's old news and fucking frankie is probably going to go this round and then we're just going to have to wait another few days for the BATTLE to ensue, but honestly, more people going that I'm not directly aligned with is good because I just need as many insurance policies as possible I very much want to play the merge in the most cutthroat way i've ever played. I want to make those game moves and I want to get that respect. Let's be honest....... everyone knows im a fucking snake, so it isn't like this is anything new to anyone. I'm keeping loyal to my top 3 (maybe top 4 @vilma) (jk loves vilma), and then im going to wreck everyone else, and there's going to be almost nothing that's going to stop me. I'm out for blood, and it's starting with upping my social game for the rest of the game I am done with school, and I am on vacation until (presumably) the end of this game, so if I just keep up my social game, and make this game my #1 priority, im going to be in an incredible spot, but right now, im feeling like I need 2-3 people to go home before I feel super secure. The REALLY good thing is that I still have my idol, and me and my UTMOST closest ally (augusto) know where all three of them are, which is HUGE for the program, so I've just gotta make sure that I can use all this information to my advantage. I've gotta start getting in some tighter blocks, and more importantly make myself more available to people like ricky and asya, who I feel I haven't done the BEST job with, but I know they're two of the socially weaker people in the tribe.................... im just getting nervous and i want this game to GO

https://youtu.be/vmqseVAWX98

wish i didnt have to go to tribal xoxo

Roxy keeps helping me with the bransteele comp and I forgot she thinks we're friends..... i know i don't trust her, but she's good for now roxy you just got back in my good graces :))))))

(A LITTLE LATER)

Hi it's johnny im currently breaking down jared went to frankie and told frankie that me/vilma/dan have a f3 and that Jared wanted to make a big move this round..................... frankie then told augusto and augusto told us thank god, but like fuck you jared honestly. it's just horse shit because there's no good reason for him to be going after me other than our past and I fucking hate when people do that, however, i'm just anxious because I know that Vilma is safe, and Dan and Jared were on OG malabar together, and I know they've previously gotten along, meaning that the only other option is me it's just fucking annoying because jared is honestly supposed to be a friend, and in my head, i was refusing to vote for him or nicole this round because i like them both as people, and figured that i'd do something about it later when it became obvious one of them had to go, and not me initiating it myself, but now at this point i dont know what I do know is that I'm fairly confident in quite a few people not saying my name this round, and those people being 100% alex augusto dan vilma roxy, and then im fairly confident regan has my side too. realistically this should be giving me numbers, but I know that there's a lot more that comes into play than that on top of that i do have an idol, and I didn't want to play it this early, but it looks like I may have to.. the only good thing is that i know about vilma's idol and i know abotu regan's idol bc they both told me about it, and i feel if either of them knew i was in trouble, they'd consider using it on me because they're both more loyal players than they are selfish perhaps? (maybe moreso vilma than regan lol) roxy made an alliance chat with vilma augusto and myself, and roxy wants to go for ricky, which honestly, if we pretended like we were going for jared and nicole, and flushed out a ghost island advantage that either of them may have (which we're almost certain nicole has one bc she lied horribly about her visit to ghost island, according to augusto), so at this point i really really dont know. I feel im sitting on a lot of information right now, but im a scared pussy and dont really know what to do with all of this stuff that i'm being told because im quietly trying to sit on it and let augusto do all of the good work in trying to swing frankie onto our side. god bless them not knowing im with augusto i just need augusto to continue playing double agent until it keeps me safe lol also fuck you jared

https://youtu.be/oFPDXhxHgDs forgot to send last night

Johnny is a little fucking scumbag isn't he? So I'm hearing tea from Jared that Johnny approached him this morning about me and Vilma trying to steer the vote towards Nicole. That's a damn fucking lie. I never once tried to steer the vote that way. I think that Johnny is getting a little big for his britches. I could totally be getting played by Nicole and Jared rn, but I don't know why they would lie about all of this. Unless they really are trying to blindside me? Idk wtf is happening, but I just want to beat my fucking placement.

https://youtu.be/LWdipgmXYSs

This is my host chat today and idc who is offended by the following messages: I HATE THIS GAME im so annoyed why is jared doing this like why I was trying to be NICE 2:37 PM im going to be the target this round literally fuck jared i hate him so fucking much why is he such a dick i need to write a confessional 2:45 PM k i confessed my hatred and feelings im just annoyed that this is how this is going down and I just KNEW that this shit would happen with jared the good thing is that he isnt aware of my relationships 3:08 PM I feel I have the most handle on this situation though lowkey 5:20 PM okay they're targeting dan im not worried anymore lol 5:33 PM dan is going to blow up the game please dont dan please he wants to expose the fact that we know the other side is planning something I know we have six people they're trying to get out dan and they're pinning dan/vilma/i as a trio they being jared and nicole, probably asya and ricky, but they don't really have brains augusto and roxy are playing the middle hard right now to make sure that nothing happens to me specifically, but if the vote stays on dan then im not going to be bothered about it, but honestly i dont want to lose a number, and I'd rather silently push than anything so idk im trying to think ive got a little over an hour to do something about it 6:00 PM gosh this is getting messy im not okay with it im trying to swing alex right now so we dont have to go to rock 6:15 PM LMAO HOW IS AUGUSTO IN THE MIX SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THAT CAME FROM BECAUSE I DONT KNOW omg this is getting too messy 6:22 PM ill take 12th. let's have some fun I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game If anyone including the hosts knows what's going on I will send you on a European vacation jared doesnt even know the whole story but i am talking to jared now we're like businessmen sitting at a table Ugh I hate Jared But I am playing nice like i actually love him im going at it with jared in a good way i want him back in mine and dan's good graces ugh vilma is a lowkey useless ally Alex is such a shitty socializer i just need to put that out there like there are things that should stay in your head and he's got a lot that he keeps putting on paper LMAO ALEX IS A LEAKY FAUCET HE SAID HE WANTS A F2 WITH ME BUT HUNNI LISTEN YOU DONT GO TELLING SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY WHAT I SAID AFTER I TOLD IT TO YOU im so mad because this is just dumb survivor gameplay on alex's part because ricky was so quick to tell people that alex told him this information lmao

(A LITTLE LATER)

can we talk about me being the king of exploiting every piece of information I found out today to someone with a big mouth, so this way it would get around and i wouldn't be targeted? wooooooooo

Alright so this round has been really hecking hectic. I found a clue to the idol and highkey I wanted to share it with Jared/Nicole but I needed to reaffirm my alliance with Asya and Ricky. And then we were FINALLY gonna blindside Dan. Then Frankie told Dan. Then Dan told Johnny. Then Johnny told me despite me already knowing all of this. Then he told me he wanted Ricky out. So I told Ricky. Ricky told Dan and Johnny. So Johnny knows I spilled the beans. That's fun. And now Frankie's going home for being a blabbermouth. That's what happens when you speak huh!

Okay so basically Things became messy And I don't know who's telling the truth Either Johnny or Jared+Nicole are bullshitting me and I don't know which It seems everyone's voting Frankie now Which I guess I'm fine with But I don't even know who I'm working with next round Because nobody includes me in anything All I know is I never told anyone I wanted to vote Nicole out and the person who spilled those rumors must get out of here, FAST I'm rather pissed I feel like I don't trust anyone Where are all my real allies? Oh I don't have those Everyone's so shady Can I get voted out even though I'm immune? I hate this I didn't sign up for THIS I don't think a single person is being straight with me So from now on I'm a free agent I'm back to square one

Ricky and I called for like a half hour and compared notes and honestly, Johnny has got to go, but not right now. If that’s a big miss steak, oh well, but I do think I’m gonna make it through this vote which is exciting. If I get fucking 12th again I’m gonna kermit I think. I can’t believe I trusted the straight fraternity brother. Ugh

ok soooo i might have an alliance of 6 lets hope it works and im not the second boot again after my return lmaoo

this is a fucking mess

wowowow these people make me sooooo MADDDDTTTT just do what i want!!!!

(A LITTLE LATER)

everyone is ignoring me except johnny and augusto and ik im being voted against like 11-1 and it feels gross lol i hate everyone here and im not voting for most of them at the end. there was like 2 people i didnt message and ig that means im "inactive" or some shit 

Oh SHIT I got so distracted by the messiness that I forgot to tell I accidentally won immunity AGAIN fuck my life I was trying to throw Vilma Hmm I'm trying to throw this challenge but at the same time look like I made at least some effort but suck I hope at least some people tried for real Pippa You make me laugh so hard Vilma IS THIS A JOKE I SWEAR I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER WIN WITH THAT Fuck I'm ruining all my chances at going deep with these immunities (cwl) I hope people realise my score was bad FUCK This is the thing, I didn't want to abstain because then it would look like I'm just lazy but I wanted them to think that I actually suck. Gosh I'm failing at life I guess I should just use these opportunities to build better relationships with people but everyone knows I'm horrible at that dnn congrats compbeast <3 Vilma SHUSH

SO ITS FRANKIE BUT I MIGHT GO HOME with an idol in my pocket

Call me spoon cause I really tried to stir the pot this tribal to no avail.

#itsgametimekids

[baycitydreamer-blog]

okay so apparently my school just never lets alts in the photos because the old alts always left in april? which is irrelevant as im clearly staying so fuck them tbh

it honestly wouldnt be bad if people had asked, or you know, NOT given me all the info about the photos (minus the date) which then showed my name not being on it. way to rub it in. a few people were confused as to why i wasnt involved (and became uncomfortable when they realised i wasnt included) and one dude was like ‘its fine youre wearing pink its cherry blossom themed lol’ and that was cool

but then the chick next to me (50s+), who i thought was super cool, when everyone was heading to the photo shes like ‘youre gonna be alone now. alone. we’re gonna take photos so you’ll be alone. bye!’

how fucking unnecessary is that? 

(i dont think she meant it badly, i think she was trying to inform me that i could stay at my desk but in a really awful way)

to add to it, i can see them taking photos from my desk and hear them laughing, so yeah, great

(my head jte came back and asked why i wasnt involved and i told her i didnt know and she felt bad because she thought it was her responsibility and i felt bad because i clearly wasnt asked to join in in the first place so it isnt her fault)

tried to explain to my supervisor and ended up crying while another alt was talking to some other dudes about cool stuff he gets to do at his school. so four people got to see me cry. nice

theres shit happening at home so that sucks and i almost got hit by a bike today. also an old couple literally stopped their car in the middle of the road to gawk at me like im a fucking zoo animal

also, because its graduation season all the high schoolers have gone to get their license. im an april arrival so my international license is expired meaning i need to walk everywhere. my closest work is 30 minutes up a mountain. itd be nice if someone offered a lift but everyones just like ‘wow, isn’t it hard?’ and then laugh when i say yes :))))

this means i cant go to enkais, the rare occasion when i get invited. also, nobody ever invites me to nijikais and we always eat the same fucking food which is usually stuff im not keen on so idk if ill even go to enkais (not like anyone wants to talk to me)

i dont think im super unsociable or awful. so it kinda sucks how people act toward me

especially when one of them confesses to you and you remember he has a wife and kid and he says he ‘hasnt spoken to them in six months’ and ‘cheating is fine’ and ‘what if i say bye bye to my wife? will you date me then?’. this is about three hours after he mentions he was being transferred to a different island so its clear that he was just after one night

im also low key positive the other alts hate me. im pretty sure its my anxiety talking, but im not sure if it is or not. everyone else lives in the same building and they always hang out. we recently discussed getting board games (my idea) and its nice to see theyve gone and got them and played without me. cool. (yes, im a bit jealous and possessive of my ideas and i do get annoyed when people say theyll do stuff with me, but then do it with someone else and then dont want to it with me)

just sick of being second place or the one constantly not invited. and one alt pretty much puts words in my mouth all the time and basically says my opinions are redundant because i dont like kids. i dont hate kids. i have no desire to have kids. i like kids a lot more due to being an alt than i did beforehand because i had practically no exposure to kids. my opinions are still valid. and if anything, they bring a different perspective. 

all of my friends live in osaka/tokyo/fukuoka. id love to live near one of those places. im never going to be anyones ‘’’best friend’’’ but at least i can be with people who genuinely want to hang out with me (some japanese people do here but they live in neighbouring prefectures so it isnt easy)

at the moment, theres really nothing good about my placement. im generally a pretty strong person who can just keep on going, but im at my limit. my town is gross, and smells bad daily due to being a factory town. im gawked at all the time and people feel like they can be rude/in your face just because im foreign (have never had this happen in big cities, i used to live in osaka). my neighbours are super fucking rude (see me and walk back inside). theres nothing in town. or the neighbouring towns. im tired of being second fiddle to the other female alt and having other alts only contact me when they need help.

i want my staff to explain things to me. i missed so many events last year because i wasnt invited. for example, bunkasai. i told kids id come and i wanted to come, but nobody told me dates or anything. i asked about sports day and i was told teachers need to be there by 7, but that didnt apply to me. so i asked when i should come. nobody knew. im honestly so envious of people with decent placements. the best thing i have is my supervisor and she low key hates her job. 

im also worried since it looks like last years 3nen sei teacher at N JHS is still teaching 3 nensei. which means ill never see those kids and i had such an amazing time with them. nice.

i apologise for the negativity, but i dont think i have anyone i can talk to this about. and this tag shouldnt just be positivity, especially with new jets walking into the job soon.

#JET Programme #N JHS #Negativity abound folks #Be grateful if you have a good placement

[sduckyz]

Its been busy lately. And i gotta say thank god im getting an interview soon about my pay because im going to demand extra pay for closing. Closing... Whichnis supposed to be a managers job. Or assistant manager. Of which we have 2. Of which almost always go home early at 4 or 5 or leave at 3 and don't return.

And im left with closing the store. With one or 2 other staff. So reshop? Nope

fronting? Nope

sweeping? A must so yes

Evening cleaning? Nope

So we got one staff sweeping

And the other taking the register so i can go count the safe

So i guess after closing billions of times by now im finally gonna demand extra because i was more than an hour late to a dinner hosted in my house. Which meant me sitting alone eating and i missed some guests who left early. And im just... Its not my job. I feel like assistant manager #3 but without the pay. I get all of the responsibility but none of the good stuff.

And ive been working too many weeks recently where im working till closing all while watching the on shift managers go home as their shift ends 3 or 2 hours before closing. Which like once in a while or like once a week thats good you can take care of things that need care before 6pm. I used to have mondays off early every other week but thats gone. So it sucks to see your asm going home early almost ever fucking day for weeks. And youre left with having to do all of the things on that one weekday off. Places that close at 3 and 4 and 5. But youre always working until 7 or 8.

Im a salty bitch. But im not here to be used. Im not here for you to go "do all the manager stuff while we go home and uh yeah" also i wonder if in my meeting if they think my current pay is low or high. Because i think its low. I need it higher. Mostly because recently with all the busyness and being asm #3 im literally losing my mind. My anxiety is going to the shits and i come home shaking like i need to bathe in 90% epsom salt 10% water bath to relax for a second. And if they want my pay to be lower im saying no. Thats it im not getting all of the same and more stress and fucking up my mental health for lower pay. I just wont. I cant.

Also i need to get in contact with a psychologist for anxiety meds because this is just getting out of hand.ibe never had my anxiety get this bad and its super uncomfortable. Igo tl sleep at a reasonable time now because i think "alright. Id lile to die now but next best thing is sleep."

Also not something to genuinely worry about but today was the SIXTH time i walk on the street and an oncoming car DOESNT hit me. Its like theyre teyying not to hit me. Amazing. I practically jumped in front of one the other day and what? Not dead... Im disappointed.(im not actively trying to get hit by cars im just... Weird?)

#personal #retail #work