#all i know is pain and agony now

[itspileofgoodthings]

my life is a very slow process of everyone around me telling me not to be anxious and me fighting them all tooth and nail while inching towards more stable mental health.

#I know it’s not true but sometimes I feel like if I didn’t have anxiety I would not suffer at all #which. again. is false #but there’s a lot of things I don’t want in this life and a lot of things I am not scared of and a lot of things I just accept #and like. It’s FINE #but all my suffering from anxiety stays in one fixed flame of sheer agony #and it’s hard because I don’t shake like a chihuahua in the corner of my bedroom #unable to move or function #I’m always doing things and functioning and joking at parties and (generally) saying the right thing #but it’s all located in one corner in the middle of my mind attacking my ability to make judgments and live with my decisions peacefully #like an unseen wound #and the distance i feel it puts between me and other people #is one of the most painful things #just several sheets of frosted glass between me and them #and sometimes the worst it gets is when I can bear it without breaking down and so I just do and I just keep functioning #and the cold just creeps in and everything goes kind of numb! #tbh now that I think about it this might be why I often think of myself as a person with no desires or ambitions or dreams #or impetus or forward motion or anything #because I DO want things and have opinions and the exist in flashes. But also they’re buried deep under several layers of protective apathy #so they’re not stable. I drop them many times. forget them ignore them imagine that they aren’t there. I’m sorry I’m rambling I’m FINE #actually when I talk about it that’s how you know I’m doing okay with it #when I can’t talk about it and am half-heartedly going through the motions #that’s the problem #anyway whew. thanks for listening sorry for all the self-reflection etc. etc. etc.

[finncakes]

thinking about her (will of the air ashari)

#critical role #will of the air ashari #idk what else to tag #i want to know if i am right about his personality. #it's like zuala all over again #anyways i watch dalen's closet and immidiately loved derrig and now i'm sad #pain and agony #he was a dilf! how could you otohan. #tho it does make me wonder if otohan was doing what she did to imogen #attacking the loved ones of someone who's ruidus born to awaken powers #maybe keyleth is ruidus born #idk! but i want to know wtf was going on there. why did they attack the air ashari like that #i want more abt that and the hishari. gimmie. #i really do just post art here as a way to scream in the tags huh

[crossbackpoke-check]

Substance, Shadow, and Spirit [remixed, abridged] by Tao Yuanming

#liv in the replies #patrice bergeron #boston bruins #brad marchand #do you ever think about how brad marchand said that when bergy retired he would retire or are you capable of normal thought i'm not at all #please say a gratitude for both my sanity& y'all that this poem (which has been saved in my camera roll with the vague idea of using it for #??? ​long) & not one of the poems i had saved for carey for a really long time & remixed & everything with another poem until i found a poem #that absolutely murdered me in cold blood but there is an alternate universe where i did& then had to explain my unhinged thoughts to you. #anyway how are we feeling about bergy retirement. pspspspsp sara & luna are y'all doing okay like. the doc title for this one was #patrice the hockey player means a lot to me but patrice the person means so much more #which is why the end line of the other poem was so *%"@^)! (you love / what you are) because patrice does. like he is a whole ass good huma #& now since no one asked i need to tell you all the details about everything also y'all please clap i made an edit with NO baby pictures #although i did find one & save it & minimal genres of photo i always use in edits because they're my taste & aesthetic but anyway. #when i saved the first photo and marked it as one i wanted i accidentally wrote “how will he know they love him” which is not the line but #makes me feel feral about patrice & the rest of them all had hurtful names too but also. the third picture is literally a CELLY like brad #just scored a goal & he is clinging to bergy for dear life with that shit i saved that as “oh the agony on his face for unendurable” #& yes it is one of my cliches to have a draft day picture but in my defense the lifelong bond that patrice has/d with boston deserved to be #there even if i put in the love story & YES that picture is from the 2011 playoff right below it shared joy & pain & i couldn't tell you #when the brad marchy photo for together forever is except for the fact that i saw it & just the gut punch of oh my god the way he looks at #things men will praise you for is the stanley cup. duh. but i love the contrast of “some deed” being the stanley cup but then #bergy's choice to do noble deeds (ends up still earning praise &that's my note to his efforts outside of hockey we love a supportive captai #should also mention the first two i came up with & had the photos i knew i wanted for were the first and last one alskaldk but i KNEW i #wanted chara somewhere in the paragraph about leaving & then while i was looking found the one of bergy playing tuukka on accident & yes #i do have to make goalie jokes every time. no reprieve . no dice/no deal/no goal goalies have no rest/reprieve etc etc the one that killed #me though was looking for a patrice award pic & i wanted basically the one that i got for “how will you know any will praise you” & instead #also got the picture of patrice winning the some community hero award for charity work that he does & i love him mama & of COURSE that puck #is from bergy's 1000 game who do you think I am (if you guessed sleepy and emotional about patrice you'd be right) and ALSO please be ready #for all the patrice posts/bruins posts that have been sitting in my drafts to be released on this occasion of patrice retirement #I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT TUUKKA ALSO RETIRED THAT’S WHY HE WAS ON WISE OR SIMPLE NO REPRIEVE AND THAT LATE OR SOON WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE #CHARA BECAUSE CHARA LEFT FIRST TO GO TO THE CAPS AND THEN LEFT IN RETIRMENT HE LEFT SOON BUT NOT FOR REAL THEN LATER LEFT FOR REAL (RETIRED)

[mako-ink]

Dislyte really said hmmmmm let me cook up some of the most interesting and cutie cute characters to ever exist in a gacha game and then NOT GIVE US THE FULL LORE OF SAID CHARACTER

#I am in constant agony #You all should know by now this post was aimed at Leon #dislyte #I wish I were normal about things (autism) #maybe on my day off I’ll sit down and write out my extensive knowledge on Leon maybe then. #I still need to draw him a lot before his birthday but I’m either working 42 or 47 hours next week 🫠 #I wish we had more lore of all the espers tbh. not even just my faves. it’s just painful to not have the full BGs #desperately need a continuation of the main story too like…. what exactly has the SD been doing as a whole since then? the Union? #what about all the other groups #LIKE PLEASE

[ruporas]

man. MAN. M A N . your latest comic had me in my FEELINGS. i swear djfbdmvnv

partway thru when ww just kept not showing up and Not Showing Up my chest legit got all tight and i was terrified u finally made a post where ww actually DIES djdnfmf

anyway it was AMAZING and i LOVED IT and the fake angst i imagined was rly intense lmao thank u for another godly post. the buildup was so visceral that i felt vash's loneliness in the pit of my gut dncncmfnvn

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ENJOYING AND FOR TELLING ME THIS!!!! i'm so glad my intended effect worked and that his loneliness was palpable enough that it could be felt!!!!

the second part of this ask made me laugh though, the "finally made a post where ww..." SFMDKGMSDK this is a safe zone, guys, don't worry except for that gmorning vashwood, but that was only once and it wasn't that bad!

THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN, youre so sweet!! i hope to create more comics like that in the future!

#asks #trimax spoilers #just in case? #but thank you so much again!!!!! #i have a few v10 comics in the drafts... but i mentioned on twit u guys are saved from it bc i keep on crying while drawing #that chapter is full of agony. i know every trimax / 98 vw fan has it playing on loop in their head. everyday itll be on my tl #im also forced to hold back a bit due to school.... one of the comics is one of the first vw i drew and i reallly want to color #all the pages properly bc i think its an essential Piece to my vw universe-- as dramatic as that sounds. #but anyway anyway dfksmfkds fluff and bittersweet for now!!!! and forced to imagine the pain vash goes through when he no longer has ww

[fatal-blow]

every time i talk about this stuff I'm reeling with the sheer amount of knowledge and how to convey it to the average layperson

but really if i could sum up everything I've learned about muscles, myofascial pain, and hypermobile, it's this:

start practicing how to do things with the least amount of muscles as possible.

#efficiency is key #the other thing i would say to sum it up is that yours pain is from a million causes that are all the same cause. #like listen. i used to not be able to stand without being in agony. now i just stand around sometimes. #no offense to the professionals (lie) but i know more than they do #i might just be the best physiotherapist you'll ever meet and i am not saying that because i am overconfident #im saying that because even the rheumatoid physiotherapy specialists couldn't keep up #shout out to chelsea tho she's been by far the closest #and also has gotten me hundreds of dollars of mobility aids for free uwuuwu #fatals physio corner #new tag because i guess im not shutting up about this #ill go back and tag the other shit

[the-stove-is-divorced]

i wish apple updates, ANY UPDATES, that change one small thing in the worst way possible while giving you no option to take it back, already having taken my info, my data, my privacy, now demanding what little joy and dignity I have left, a very much i hope you perish with fire on your skin and water in your lungs with the knowledge no one will ever love you and no one has.

#morg rambles #why is there an arrow telling me im using caps lock #did you chucklefucks forget there is a literal LIGHT that GLOWS when i am using capslock #did you fucker mouth breathing shit eating worm guzzling FREAKS not LET YOUR MIND PROCESS that when i am TYPING and i FUCKING SEE the lette #IS IN CAPS #I THEREFORE KNOW IT IS IN CAPS #I DO NOT NEEEEEEEEEEED #IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FROM #FOR AN ANNOYING LITTLE SCREEN ARROW TO TELL ME #i do not nEEEEEEEEEED for my phone is now AUTOMATICALLY blur my OWN FUCKING IMAGES for my wallpaper #WHY #would you make it a two click process TO SEND MEMES OR PHOTOS OR VOICE MEMOS when it was always A ONE CLICK PROCESS #i feel like they SNIFF out whatever actually works and then REMOVE IT WITH GREAT HASTE BECAUSE GOD FORBID WE HAVE JOY AND DIGNITY IN THIS #TECH FUELED NIGHTMARE #I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SPLEEN #IF NOT FOR THE FACT I KNOW THERE IS GREAT PAINS ON THE OTHER SIDE I WOULD SWITCH BEFORE YOU COULD BLINK #i do not need the minds behind this to perish i need them to DIE with FIRE ON THEIR SKIN and WATER IN THEIR LUNGS #i need to get this out my system before i start foaming at the mouth in unbridled agony #that is all #thank you for coming to my ted talk #fuck apple #fuck updates #rambles idk idk

[ozlices]

i've never understood this panel more than i do right now. my light is gone, yet the sun will still rise in a few hours. how truly infuriating.

#mine #i had a long talk with my mom a few days ago that i did need in many ways but it made me realize a lot of things abt last yr's trauma #& so right now... it's just #bubbling and boiling #i understand why it happened. i get it. i get it. i get it. #i know the light will return. i know ill succeed. i know ill see her again #but knowing all of that doesn't make this agony any easier to bear #it doesn't lessen the burden's weight. it doesn't make it any easier to breathe. #having to grapple with this grief. still just as fresh as if it just happened. being a year long battle now. #with the extra bonus of the cruel & heartless words said to my face in a month-fresh wake of it. #i..... just. wanna stop being a person. until all this painful waiting is over with.

[spaceyflowers]

good afternoon tumblr randomly terminated my account 5 for days but i promise im well and fine 😭

#adrien shush #do u know the fear that instilled in me when tumblr app wouldn't let me log in so i logged into chrome and- #was met with 'Your Account Is Terminated.' my god. #i was like i did not make tumblr acc to create content and interact with ppl for like 5 months just to have it all disappear. #i literally dont even know why my account got terminatednin the first place. i asked questions ahout copyright or spam and- #all tumblr did was apologize which is. fine ig bare minimum but i at least wanted to know why the blog of some 17 yr posting about- #his fave silly blorbos from a webtoon would be marked for termination in the first place !!?????? #was it..... literally pure coincidence.. just an accident.... did someone report me #😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #pain and agony pain and agony #well. anyways ive had 5 days to think about this and cry about it and i feel ok now but still a little eugh..... yknow? #at the very least it was a nice break from social media. i guess. i was just plagued by the fear my content was gone 4ever 💔💔 #ANYWAYS x2 im alive and well im back and school is still kicking my ass but hey im here!!!!!!!!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow #but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done #and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird #but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow #so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏 #i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood #was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone #ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and #hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy #i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better #god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely #focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony #so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno #lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done #to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself #sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough #lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime #so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha #back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies #oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad #tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire #tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh #unrelated

[pepprs]

i do not want to get out of bed omfg. this week has been so fucking insane im exhausted but we have aprogram tonight until 7 and i have to facilitate and there are a million things to do today

#but i got my p*riod and cotaught on tuesday and broke up w my counselor on monday and a few days before that redacted redacted so im ph #physically and emotionally exhausted but we have this program tonight until 7 and then 2 trainings tomorrow andi have like 2 meetings inbetw #between those. and i just want to sleep and/or lie down w a heating pad bc my cramps have been brutal this time around. literally could #barely get work done on tuesday bc i was in AGONY and forgot my heating pad and no one could bring it to me from home but it s like i have n #nowhere on campus to lie down or get checked out or anything bc im not a student anymore so i need to just writhe at my desk (<- i have one #of those now finally btw 🥹💗) and jusf hope i don’t pass out. and i didn’t but it was so bad and im not recovered from it yet. idk. #everything is so much. there are some intense and in some cases horrible things happening. iwwish we had time to pause and process them and #that we weren’t so tired and stretched all the time. i wish we didn’t have all these pressures to worry about. i wish we could just have #time to love each other and check in truly and to support each other bc we are friends before we are colleagues methinks and i jsut want us #to be ok and happy and rested and healthy. idk. augh #delete later #purrs #also i think i am not normal when it comes to cramps btw. i think maybe it might not be normal to be in this much pain. or maybe im just #weak or have a low pain tolerance but i feel like it’s a lot worse than it used to be + i get cramps at Other times too and it’s ummmm bad. #ask to tag #like how absolutely insane that this is a huge part of my life and i feel like i can’t even talk abt it and it’s so embarrassing but it #literaly is like.. every other week im scared that im gonna be unable to function bc of pain but i literally say nothing at all and just smi #smile and pretend im fine and barely talk abt it. i don’t think that’s good or normal. and i think ppl should talk abt p*ripds more so it’s #not as weird or bad or gross or cringe whatever to talk abt being in pain and to accommodate urself or whatever despite other ppl knowing #abt it. cringeeeee augh i don’t want to be one of Those people but like. it’s bad and i fucking hate it

[simptasia]

blows my mind that there are people who are straight up not experiencing any pain. like, they do sometimes. when something bad happens. but generally? like moment to moment? they’re painless. i have no idea what that is like

#rationally i know this type of person exists. because being in pain all the time isn't actually Normal #because pain is supposed to serve a purpose. most of the time. period pain and child birth just hurt for No Reason so theres that #but anyways #for those worried: bowel disorder for as long as i can remember #and a general unease... my health has improved massively the last few years #but that didn't magically make me one of the Digestive System Doesn't Hurt Me people #those people don't even know #hey fun fact: i didn't find out until i was 20 that going to the bathroom doesn't hurt everybody #even with my problems i had just assumed it was agony for all humans. wow #some people even ENJOY going to the bathroom. they can leisurely read during! #thats just ???? to me. for i am fighting for my life in there #anyways. pain #i have a headache right now. and a tummy ache. such is life

[noxtivagus]

HFDLASKDJK DECIDED TO CHECK THIS AS WELL N OH MY GOD HARUKA'S ALREADY THERE !?!?!? AT THE BOTTOM.. THIS IS ALL TIME, I LISTENED TO WEAKNESS SO MUCH ALREADY 😭😭

#🌙.rambles #oh my god #makes me think how many times now have i listened to night in the brume #ignore the exo in no. 7 💀 #after pain from mu is 21 all time #fuuta's backdraft is 43! #all-knowing and all-agony from haruka too is 44 damn #wait i just realized #it's already december..? #ARGHHH OH NO #NOVEMBER WENT BY SO FAST WTF 😭😭 #I BARELY DID ANYTHING TODAY ;;;; #i think i'll just #idk i'll uhh #finish writing #yeah #something something wtvr aghhhh

[sunshine-in-a-bottle]

I'm really hoping this next surgery fixes me. My meds used to work so well and now one bad bleeding day absolutely tanks my emotional state

#suds soaps #month ten on being on my period 24/7. cramping is agony and so is walking #just 8 more days I tell myself. #Im bracing myself to be told they couldnt find any problems and all this pain was just Like That Because Shrug. #But heyyyy theyll also be switching to the IUD so. Maybe it'll work and itll be fine and the pain will finally end #sorry for. something. I feel like I should be apologizing to everyone I know for being so emotional this past year #Im really trying my best to be as good as I can be even when its hard #I'm going to find a new therapist after surgery maybe. talking to a professional sounds really good right now

[poptartmochi]

I've never seen breaking bad but honestly I fucking love Walter White.. guy of all time.. maybe I should be concerned w how much I relate to him

#i know 3 things abt walter white but i feel all 3 of those things deeply in my soul... today was a very walter white esque day for me #just cringe and fail and sigh and whimper and snarl all day 😩 but i took a shower and feel like a human again so!! #mistreated chihuahua era is OVER..... for now 🧙‍♂️ #the knee agonies continue on but at this point I've surrendered to the pain lol 🤧 #I'm so tired tbh.. one of these days i really should see a doctor 😀; #sriracha.txt