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psychewithwings · 4 years

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Love Bakugo: Pt. 3 Missing Person

Sorry for the WAITTTT, I love you guys so much xxx

It was easier to get your boyfriend to forgive you. You’d looked back through your old facebook photos and found a similar picture from when you were back at UA. “We were just recreating the photo for the announcement of our alliance,” you’d said. Your boyfriend was still grumpy but he had offered to take you to work tomorrow. You had agreed, begrudgingly, not wanting to spend much time with him in close quarters. That night you had gone to sleep, as close to the edge of the bed as possible. You tried to imagine nice things but you wanted to be in your own space. Your heart felt heavy laying in bed with the man you no longer loved. Part of you wanted to wake him up now, throw him out of bed, and yell at him that you knew everything. But you thought about how many guys just get a talking to and nothing else, they learn nothing and continue to hurt people. This was the last time your boyfriend would hurt someone. It was ending with you. It was lucky that Bakugo had surprised you at your house this morning with a “surveillance job”. You apologized to your boyfriend flippantly saying, “duty calls,” and then jumped into Bakugo’s car with your hero costume on. “So, what’s the job?” you asked once inside. Bakugo smirked, “there’s some bagel’s that really need us to keep their eye on them…” he said and then, like he did once in a blue moon, he laughed. “You really just picked me up to get breakfast with you?” His eyes softened but his focus was still on the road. “You shouldn’t spend time with him,” he said gruffly. “Thanks…” and even though it was said softly and simply, you’d meant it. You and Bakugo had been practically estranged since your days at UA but if you hadn’t had him right now, you’d still be oblivious to your boyfriends mistreatment. “Yeah, always,” he said. Your breath caught in your throat as you remembered the last time Katsuki had said those words to you. You pushed the thought from your mind as you got out of the car and followed Katsuki into the bagel place.

He had paid for everything insisting he had to because he hadn’t issued you your first paycheck yet. “You can laugh, Y/n. It was a joke.” You had laughed then, but it was a nervous laughter. Even in all the years you’d known him, he had never been so gentle with you. At UA, you were often partnered together. You weren’t a good match against each other because your quirk was mental warfare and his was incredibly physical. Amokenisis, the manipulation of love. It had it’s limits of course but as long as your opponent could hear your voice or if you could touch them, they were putty in your hands. That’s why Bakugo was such a tough match. His explosions made it difficult for you to get close, and they were loud, drowning out your siren song. “I HATE YOU Y?N,” he’d would yell in your face after losing a match to you. But this turned into you two training together most days upon Aizawa’s advice. Because when you two worked together, you were unstoppable.

Durring breakfast you’d kept your mouth shut about the memories that were passing, like cars. You weren’t ready to talk to him about the letter again, or his “always.” Bakugo opened up his car door for you but he said nothing and did not look your way. Katsuki wasn’t stupid and you were sure he was watching the same film in his mind. The drive was silent, save the few bits of interjected banter to keep the awkwardness at bay. Always. The memory was so strong, you could still feel his hand against your cheek. Always.

“You ready?” he asked as you both swiped your ID cards upon entrance. “Never been more ready for anything in my life,” you said smirking. He lead you to the top floor and into an empty room with large bay windows and a single desk. “If you don’t like this one, there’s others downstairs,” he said plainly. “No no, I like it, very much… and it’s close to you,” you said more flirtatious than you had meant. Bakugo did not respond to your advance, however unintentional, and instead turned to walk out. “Lemme give ya the tour or whatever.” You followed him out of the door and began taking the tour. In the first few steps, viewing the lobby, he took your arm and looped it through his. He tried his best to walk beside you. You could see it was difficult for him to move at this slow of a pace. He always walked as if he was burning his path with his feet, where as you preferred to saunter, stopping to smell the roses. He eyed you from the side, “can you hurry up just a little, we have staff meeting in an hour and theres a lot of my agency to show off to ya.” He gave you that cocky grin you’d grown to love.

He showed you the underground training centre, which had a pool and an obstacle course for heroes to practice on. He showed you support, where all the hero equipment was made and distributed. You could see your boyfriend watching you from the glass walls of his office, which oversaw all the work tables, where his subordinates tinkered with finding solutions to the constant hero problems. He glared at Bakugo, but changed his tone, when Bakugos gaze shifted to follow yours. You waved at your boyfriend, your arm still linked with Katsuki’s.

The meeting was held in the training centre. There were about 500 members of staff there already chatting and smiling. You stood next to Bakugo on a large raised structure, in front of a microphone. A large projection blinked numbers and stats on the blank wall behind you. He had wanted to introduce you to the team and you felt incredibly nervous. You’d always been humble and never given your popularity much thought. You understood the value of your quirk, but you became a hero because you knew you were powerful enough to keep people safe, you didn’t do it for attention. “Cant I just go with the others and listen?” you asked Bakugo. He scoffed at you, “no, you’re too good to just listen, Y/n.” You knew that was the end of the conversation so you starred into the sea of eyes and tried not to feel too self conscious. You watched as a woman walked into the training centre, she was pretty, her hair was long and her smile was blinding. You watched as she began talking with a few other heroes. Her laugh rang out like a song and your heart dropped, something told you that was her. Of course it was… Bakugo must have caught on because he squeezed your hand tighter, and just like the night at the train station, he didn’t let go.

Your boyfriend was one of the last to enter and he looked like a mess. His arms were crossed and his lip was pulled up slightly, in contempt. “Guys, lets pipe the fuck down,” he said into the mic. Was this how Bakugo started all his meetings? “Okay, so finances are good, our agents are the best in the city, who cares, that’s not what’s important today. Everyone, please welcome my good friend Y/n, or as you all know her Amor Rose. We’re really lucky to have her.” The crowed cheered… for you. You laughed nervously then smiled and accepted the applause. “You wanna say anything?” Katsuki asked you. You felt like you should so you nodded. “Shut it! She’s talkin’” he said. The room fell silent, save for the microphone’s feedback and all eyes were on you. “Oh, well, I just wanted to say that I’m really excited to be here, and I hope to make you all, and especially Katsuki proud.” The crowed cheered again and you felt ready to walk back to the quiet of your office.

The meeting seemed to be breaking up when a woman ran onto the platform carrying a small file. She whispered something to Katsuki and then scuttled off. Katsuki opened the file and looked it over carefully. “Before everyone goes, we just received a pretty severe missing person’s case.” The projection changed from stats to… oh dear god! It was your boyfriends high school year book picture. “This is the message from the concerned party, ‘I’ve tried connecting with my old friend from high school for years and I haven’t found anything related to them. I am worried something bad has happened and no one knows… he was kind of a loner and wasn’t super close with his family. Bakugo Agency… please help.’ Files will be distributed accordingly. Let’s get to work and get this guy some answers.” You turned to see your boyfriend red faced and fuming. Did he know it was you? Did he suspect? Bakugo was dragging you off the platform before you could get a good enough read off of your boyfriend.

Bakugo was pulling you back to the locker rooms of the training centre. Once you were out of earshot you both burst out laughing. “Did you see his face?!” you exclaimed. “I sure fucking did,” he said and you laughed more. “I can’t believe it! When did you set that up?” Bakugo looked down at you, eyebrow raised. “The moment you told me there was a bad picture, you dummy,” he said playfully. You hit his shoulder softly, “don’t call me that!” You both laughed again and then you looked up at him. “You’re the best,” you said. He wrapped his arms around your back and pulled you into him, his eyes still trained on yours. “I know,” he said. “No, I mean it,” you pushed. A thick stillness hung above where you both stood in the deserted hallway. Looking at his face, you saw the letter in your minds eye. You pulled away slowly, feeling more confused than ever. Revenge was becoming less important by the second.

Tag List: @rebel---black @random-fandom-girl-24 @unawi13-blog

#bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugō #mha #bnha #bakugo x reader #bakugo fan fic #bakugo x y/n #bakugo x you

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luna-ainsworth · 6 years

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[SOS] National TV MC accused of child abuse; public and family of abused child blame on child instead

THIS IS A VERY LONG POST, BUT PLEASE READ AND HELP THIS POOR CHILD IN VIETNAM, SHE HAS BEEN ABUSED BY HER OWN BLOOD FAMILY !!! PLEASE CONTACT ANY ORGANIZATIONS YOU KNOW THAT CAN HELP HER !!!

Yesterday, 26 May 2018, D., a 16-year-old Vietnamese made a post on her Facebook account, in which she detailed the abuse she suffered at the hands of her eldest sister’s husband, whom she referred to as “it”. (I have translated the post here; it’s long but bear with me.)

Excerpts from the translation of the post:

1. “To be honest, I was beaten throughout my 6th grade year. It continually used a long stick, broken from a piece of wood it found somewhere, to beat me, and all I could do was to kneel on the floor and cry my heart out. Do you know why it beat me? Because I had a crush on someone. I had no idea whether it spied on me or asked the guards in my school to spy on me or anything, but one day it called me to stand in front of it and threatened me: “don’t you dare fooling around, I know it all, I’ve had the guards spy on you and also come to meet the kid that you like”. I ask all of you, what kind of person would speak like this to his younger sister-in-law? When I began living with it, it did converse with my parents about “supervising”, “thinking of her as my biological sister”, so sure, I sort of obeyed and let it beat me. It used its stick to hit me and that hurt so much, and it’d always hit me in the legs and thighs so even if I came to the class the next day, my classmates wouldn’t be able to see the bruises. I liked someone, it beat me; I got low marks, it hit me too. My 6th-grade year was really hell on earth to me, apart from the fact that I still had friends at school.”

2. “Last night, it slapped and punched me in the face.

Yesterday was the closing ceremony of my school year, I hung out with my friends and was very fatigued when I got home, so I slept from 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. before getting up to take a bath. I knew it tended to return at this hour so I tried to bathe myself the fastest I could so the monster could use the bathroom to change its clothes. And no, it wasn’t returning from work, it was returning from hanging out, I have to add this so people wouldn’t misinterpret that I disturbed it when it’d just returned from work and wanted to have a bath before calling it a day. And while I was in the bathroom, it stood outside and continually yelled at me, quote unquote, “Hurry up you bitch, what the fuck have you been doing all day to only take a bath now?” I tried to hold myself down and got out when I finished. When I got out, I passed by it sitting at the kitchen table and said its voice sounded as if it was, quote unquote, “the navel of the world” and went straight for my room. It called me back and asked: “What did you just say?”, I responded: “I said it already, if you didn’t hear it I wouldn’t say again” and it ran for me pulled me back, its finger pointed right at my face: “Repeat what you just said! You believe I can slap you to death?” and I said: “Do it, I dare you touch me”. And just as expected, it slapped me and my head was jolted aside. I gathered all my strength into my hand to hit it but my shoulder’s joint dislocated immediately. (It’s bigger and more muscular than me but I’m pretty strong because I play sports). And then it punched right into my face and my mouth. […] After that I couldn’t restrain myself anymore and lashed out at him, telling him that within the 16 years of my life my parents had not even punched me, let alone punched to the point of bleeding like this abomination, and that “a thug will always be a thug” (it tends to brag that it and its brother learned martial arts, were acquainted with gangsters and had the “blood of a thug”). So it charged straight into my room, continued punching me and pushed me into the edge of the bed. Fortunately, only my legs, my thighs and my back hit the bed, not my head. And it was also fortunate that my sister and the housemaid came to intervene, or else the beast would’ve killed me.”

The post received wide attention and support from thousands of people. But soon D.’s family found out and the abuser—D.’s brother-in-law—messaged people to stop sharing because they weren’t in the room where it happened. Her parents also forced her to delete it, which she did after less than three hours of resisting since it was published. After the post was deleted, D.’s abuser used his connections to newspapers to publicly denounce D., saying it was all fake, and that he installed cameras in the house so everything was filmed, yet gave no footage when asked. He even claimed D. tried to attack him and his children with a pair of scissors, which was proven false by D.’s classmates and friends, because D. was actually using the scissors for self-defense when he charged into her room, before her sister and the housemaid intervened. He went on to say that D. was a bad pupil, she got very horrible marks and was actually the lowest-ranked student in her 7th grade year in terms of school performance, which was also proven false by her friends, some of whom are currently studying with her in a class specialized in Biology at Hanoi-Amsterdam High School, probably the most prestigious, most selective high school in the country. Think Harvard but it’s a Vietnamese high school that requires you to achieve at least 8 out of 10 in the entrance exams to be admitted. Even if she was the lowest-ranked in the class during her 7th grade year, the fact that she got into this school two years later meant that she’d worked really hard for it.In addition, he claimed she was violent and could hit her friends at any time. D., also proven by her friends to be a silent bookworm, was the opposite of that. He even mentioned the fact that she had a crush when she was in her 6th grade in order to vilify the very sister-in-law that he had no rights to abuse.Even D.’s other elder sister, who has been abroad for 4 years, whom D. found “futile” reaching out to, comes out to defend her brother-in-law, saying that her sister was a genius for making up the entire story, and that her brother-in-law was too good a person to ever abuse anyone.

Rumors circulate around the Internet that her parents—one of which is the director of a central maternity hospital—alienated D. since she was born because she was an unwanted child. Vietnam had a two-child policy and she, being the third child they didn’t want, was estranged by not only her parents who are officials, but other family members as well. Initially, when the sister who’s abroad went on Facebook to denounce D., one of this sister’s friends made a comment with surprise that they didn’t know she had a younger sister. However, when Facebook users joked on D.’s own post that the same sister might have slept with the brother-in-law, hence her defense, D. herself replied to them and asked them not to “think of my family like that”.Although many people have shown their support for D., the majority of people chooses to side with her abuser, who, as a famous MC, knew enough journalists to publicly denounce his sister. Today is the first day of the summer vacation, but D.’s parents have sent back to her hometown in Ninh Bình, 90 kilometers away from her friends in Hanoi. She told her friends she felt safer here; however, her abuser’s denouncing her didn’t stop; at the moment more and more seemed to believe and side with him other than the 16-year-old girl he abused. We fear VTV – the national TV broadcaster where he works – will even try to cover this up, because that’s what Vietnamese news outlets tend to do in the recent months, even in the face of our own #MeToo movement.

So I beg of you, I beg of anyone who reads this, to please share this story to the world, to anyone who can help D. regain justice for her life, because not only is she being alienated from her family, but she’s also being blamed on by the media for the abuse she has had to suffer for the last 4 years. A few human rights organizations have tried reaching out to her, but to no avail, for she’s not in Hanoi anymore. I don’t know her personally, I learn about her through the very post that she made yesterday, but it’s horrible that she has to go through all of this abuse and even backlash. Please share this, make this known and bring justice back to D.

#child abuse #domestic abuse #family abuses child #vietnam #sos #please help #off topic #human rights #please share #do something #physical abuse #emotional abuse #abuse

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ahopefuldoubt · 6 years

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Matters of Representation: The “Chosen One” Archetype, Adoptees, and The Prince of Egypt

originally posted in 2016 [x]. time references are relative to 2016.

This is a post I started drafting in the middle of April (2016), so coming back to it three months later has been like trying to meld together two fairly different frames of mind. For anyone who reads it, I hope you’ll bear with me as I (continue to) work through things here. It’s part personal, part purposeful, and probably does not flow well. My original plan was to write only about the overused “Chosen One” trope and how unsettling it is when that character is an adoptee or foster child. But it grew a bit beyond that.

Moses gives me pause. He’s a puzzle I am always trying to reconfigure. Oftentimes he seems to me like a generic protagonist: another man who receives a call to arms and embarks on a hero’s quest to fulfill his destiny. Another adoptee who gets saddled with the “Chosen One” label and responsibilities, one who must save the world despite having already lost his original family and history. A convenient blank slate with no past.

As much as Moses frustrates me as a character, and as little as I identify with him, he’s important to me. Our relationship is complicated. :) (Can you imagine the Facebook status?)

Like a lot of transracial and/or international adoptees, I grew up in a predominantly white community. My older sister was adopted too, but without her there, I didn’t see myself reflected in my family or in my town. As a child, I watched animated movies like Anastasia and Dumbo. Standard fare. Stories that featured orphans, separation, adoption, reunion. I was attracted to them. Anastasia was hugely influential for me. And I was troubled by them. Just thinking about the scene where they separate Dumbo from his mother sends me into a tailspin; it’s not a movie I’d voluntarily watch again. Back then, though, I didn’t have the language to really explain what I was feeling or why, or to even describe these movies as adoption-related. I did what I think a lot of adoptees do in this situation, and internalized it all: I felt embarrassed about how much I liked Anastasia, but I don’t think many people knew I felt any sort of way about it.

Maybe a contributing factor was that my adoptive parents were from a generation where people didn’t have many discussions about privilege (of all kinds) or about adopting children — especially as white people adopting children who weren’t white. My parents were not given the language, so they couldn’t approach the subject or teach me how to put a name to my emotions. There’s more awareness now: Adult adoptees are speaking out and helping to ensure that prospective adoptive parents have these conversations. Things have improved; however, on the whole, I still see a lot of the same issues. Whitewashing and colorblindness. And shoddy representations of adoptees in stories.

It’s been quite a trip to have seen The Prince of Egypt so recently, and to think, finally I can see myself. This is the representation that I didn’t realize I was missing. Nothing has been quite the same since I watched this movie. In many ways, but certainly in that I’m better able to notice and think about all of these adoptee/foster child “Chosen Ones” in stories past, present, and future.

I’m glad that The Prince of Egypt focuses so much on Moses’ relationships with both his adoptive and biological families (including a sense of his own “in-betweenness”). For one thing, the reunion naturally involves Aaron and Miriam, the character/s I identify with and emote over more. Furthermore, because it is such an intimate and complex story, there are many layers to the three siblings’ relationships, and their conflicts are allowed to unfold on-screen. I don’t think movies like Anastasia depict this struggle as well or as profoundly, or even at all.

Reunion has been at the front of my mind for at least six years. Time feels strange to me; fleeting. I’ve passed the age my birthmother had me, if the information in my record is real. My adoptive mother died earlier this year. Reunion is on my mind constantly. Is my birthmother still alive? Did I get my dimples from her? Does she share my serious outlook on life? Did she ever contact my birthfather again? Does my birthfather have the same thick hair? Was he good to her while they were together?

Am I running out of time to find the answers to any of these questions? Do I even want to know? I’ve already hit a couple of snags in my search for her. I’m afraid to go further.

Reunion is on my mind constantly. Do I have any younger biological siblings?

But I will never fully be a member of my biological family, should I reunite with them. It will feel so close, yet so far. There will be a linguistic divide, a cultural divide. I won’t quite mold to the shape of my birthmother’s arms. And this hurts. I often need to take a giant leap away from the movie and fandom because my emotions surrounding separation and reunion (the one in The Prince of Egypt and my own possible reunion) are so tangible. A lot of painful stuff has been thrown into light, yet for some, at-times unfathomable reason, I still want to connect to this story, ache for it, find joy in it. Because through it, I’ve also been able to process some of my own pain and grief.

There have definitely been times where I’ve wished I could identify more with Moses. Beyond our common adoptee-hood, though, I don’t relate to him on much of a deep or personal level. What I’ve learned — and accepted — over these past three months is that Moses doesn’t have to be “my adoptee protagonist.” I don’t even have to like him at times. Rather, as I wrote, he’s my puzzle. He raises questions for me. He makes me think more about how adoptees are represented in stories.

Too many stories use adoption as a convenient plot device. However, adoption is a lifelong process. More importantly, it is an identity. My adoptee identity is with me every time I say my name and people smirk or do a double-take because my name, particularly my full name*** does not match my Asian face. It is with me when I am asked if I speak Korean, and when I reply, “No,” I feel inadequate, estranged from my heritage and my people. A blank slate with no past.

Adoption is not a tragic backstory or an obstacle for characters — and people — to overcome. Yet it seems to be treated as such, or completely brushed aside. Many weeks ago, at this point, I was talking about this with my best friend and remarked how Disney’s version of Hercules literally has to go through Hell (the Underworld) in order to be considered worthy of reuniting with his birthparents. Narratively, it’s seen as an act of love and heroism, and I think this is part of the issue: The adoptee “Chosen Ones” in these stories are called on to be superheroes and saviors (and deliverers), to be strong and sound of heart and mind, to be more and more and more. “Forget and be content.” But, “don’t you abandon us.” What’s an adoptee supposed to do with these high and contradictory expectations?

I’m not a Hero(tm). I don’t want to be one. Maybe this is why I don’t connect with the “traditional heroes” in stories. I can’t live up to those kinds of expectations. Nevertheless, I was raised with them. I’d wager that many adoptees were, too. Be grateful. Be loyal. Be a part of your adoptive family, but not really. Be a part of your biological family. But not really. At what point does membership become conditional?

I understand that the search for self is universal, and as a result, many characters are made to go through journeys of self-discovery. The “adoption fantasy,” wherein children (adopted and non-adopted alike) imagine they were adopted, is also a natural developmental phase. When this “secret identity” trope is evoked in stories, it reads like a shocking plot twist. However, it’s different for those who have actually lived it. And there are of course many layers and levels to all of this, bigger pictures and so much to this specific circumstance. Moses is an adoptee and he is Hebrew: born a slave, then taken and raised by his oppressors, who keep his adoption, his identity and history, from him. I may consider Moses a puzzle in some ways, but the unethicalness of his relinquishment and adoption is something I will always be rather clear on (critical of).

In the sense that Moses will remain something of a puzzle to me, I’ll continue to find pieces of myself reflected in our “common adoptee-hood.” I’ll continue to rage at his behavior when he’s a teenager. I’ll continue to feel every jarring step and moment of happiness in how his siblings process the reunion. And I’ll always continue to think about stories feature adoption and adoptees.

*** I use my birth name here on Tumblr, but my full legal name is always coded as white.

Last edited: 6/4/17 for clarity

#ok to reblog #the prince of egypt #adoption #moses #my stuff #my writing #poe analysis #what i mean when i say that moses speaks to my head #:)#this is more or less the version before i made *that* edit #which i'll do in a few days #some posts feel weirder to repost than others

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yamadamomoaaa-blog · 6 years

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2. “Last night, it slapped and punched me in the face.Yesterday was the closing ceremony of my school year, I hung out with my friends and was very fatigued when I got home, so I slept from 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. before getting up to take a bath. I knew it tended to return at this hour so I tried to bathe myself the fastest I could so the monster could use the bathroom to change its clothes. And no, it wasn’t returning from work, it was returning from hanging out, I have to add this so people wouldn’t misinterpret that I disturbed it when it’d just returned from work and wanted to have a bath before calling it a day. And while I was in the bathroom, it stood outside and continually yelled at me, quote unquote, “Hurry up you bitch, what the fuck have you been doing all day to only take a bath now?” I tried to hold myself down and got out when I finished. When I got out, I passed by it sitting at the kitchen table and said its voice sounded as if it was, quote unquote, “the navel of the world” and went straight for my room. It called me back and asked: “What did you just say?”, I responded: “I said it already, if you didn’t hear it I wouldn’t say again” and it ran for me pulled me back, its finger pointed right at my face: “Repeat what you just said! You believe I can slap you to death?” and I said: “Do it, I dare you touch me”. And just as expected, it slapped me and my head was jolted aside. I gathered all my strength into my hand to hit it but my shoulder’s joint dislocated immediately. (It’s bigger and more muscular than me but I’m pretty strong because I play sports). And then it punched right into my face and my mouth. […] After that I couldn’t restrain myself anymore and lashed out at him, telling him that within the 16 years of my life my parents had not even punched me, let alone punched to the point of bleeding like this abomination, and that “a thug will always be a thug” (it tends to brag that it and its brother learned martial arts, were acquainted with gangsters and had the “blood of a thug”). So it charged straight into my room, continued punching me and pushed me into the edge of the bed. Fortunately, only my legs, my thighs and my back hit the bed, not my head. And it was also fortunate that my sister and the housemaid came to intervene, or else the beast would’ve killed me.”

After the post was deleted, D.’s abuser used his connections to newspapers to publicly denounce D., saying it was all fake, and that he installed cameras in the house so everything was filmed, yet gave no footage when asked. He even claimed D. tried to attack him and his children with a pair of scissors, which was proven false by D.’s classmates and friends, because D. was actually using the scissors for self-defense when he charged into her room, before her sister and the housemaid intervened.

He went on to say that D. was a bad pupil, she got very horrible marks and was actually the lowest-ranked student in her 7th grade year in terms of school performance, which was also proven false by her friends, some of whom are currently studying with her in a class specialized in Biology at Hanoi-Amsterdam High School, probably the most prestigious, most selective high school in the country. Think Harvard but it’s a Vietnamese high school that requires you to achieve at least 8 out of 10 in the entrance exams to be admitted. Even if she was the lowest-ranked in the class during her 7th grade year, the fact that she got into this school two years later meant that she’d worked really hard for it.In addition, he claimed she was violent and could hit her friends at any time. D., also proven by her friends to be a silent bookworm, was the opposite of that. He even mentioned the fact that she had a crush when she was in her 6th grade in order to vilify the very sister-in-law that he had no rights to abuse.Even D.’s other elder sister, who has been abroad for 4 years, whom D. found “futile” reaching out to, comes out to defend her brother-in-law, saying that her sister was a genius for making up the entire story, and that her brother-in-law was too good a person to ever abuse anyone. Rumors circulate around the Internet that her parents—one of which is the director of a central maternity hospital—alienated D. since she was born because she was an unwanted child. Vietnam had a two-child policy and she, being the third child they didn’t want, was estranged by not only her parents who are officials, but other family members as well. Initially, when the sister who’s abroad went on Facebook to denounce D., one of this sister’s friends made a comment with surprise that they didn’t know she had a younger sister. However, when Facebook users joked on D.’s own post that the same sister might have slept with the brother-in-law, hence her defense, D. herself replied to them and asked them not to “think of my family like that”.

Although many people have shown their support for D., the majority of people chooses to side with her abuser, who, as a famous MC, knew enough journalists to publicly denounce his sister. Today is the first day of the summer vacation, but D.’s parents have sent back to her hometown in Ninh Bình, 90 kilometers away from her friends in Hanoi. She told her friends she felt safer here; however, her abuser’s denouncing her didn’t stop; at the moment more and more seemed to believe and side with him other than the 16-year-old girl he abused. We fear VTV – the national TV broadcaster where he works – will even try to cover this up, because that’s what Vietnamese news outlets tend to do in the recent months, even in the face of our own #MeToo movement.

#Save_D iamwithyou

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dlinnettetheauthor · 4 years

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Dr. Phil and Bipolar MIBLOG

I was watching Dr. Phil this week and there was this dysfunctional family on the Dr. Phil show (well, that is what he helps with-- dysfunction) where the mother claimed Bipolar. I don’t know if she was officially diagnosed, but she did mention that she takes pills that doesn’t help. She has adult children who she is estranged from. The mother was very high strung and what she called herself as animated. She was yelling to get her point across and Dr. Phil said, “shouting doesn’t necessarily help you get your point across”. Her eyes were bulging out and red from crying. It was a two-part show and boy did I tune in for part II as well. The mother’s relationship with her daughter is that she takes from her daughter. Her daughter who is or was in the military signed over Power Of Attorney to her mother while she was enlisted. Her mother ended up taking upwards of three thousand dollars from her account. The mother is married to the father of two of her adult kids which are twins. She had a child out of wedlock and her husband remained by her side. The twins say that their father always takes their mother’s side over theirs’ even when he knows she is in the wrong. Why they came on to Dr. Phil is because the daughter had gotten married and her mother acted erratic during the ceremony and made it the worst day ever for her. Her mother even made the bride late to her own wedding. On the show, the mother was yelling and denying everything that happened in her children’s life growing up. The twins finally had enough and wanted to know from Dr. Phil if it is okay to cut strings with her mother. Dr. Phil told the daughter that she has every right, and that she is a grown and the mother has to except it if that happens. It was a very emotional show and it showed how a spouse can be enabling by letting the sick wife act erratic and embarrassing in public. He is going to defend his wife til the end even at the risk of losing a relationship with the children. When the daughter said that she wants to go on with her life and not have a relationship with her mother anymore, the mother started balling. The mother stood up and wanted to hug her daughter, but her daughter told her mother not to touch her. Dr. Phil offered the mother help and she accepted. After the show, the show continued to film off stage, and the mother was having a breakdown, screaming and crying that she was the victim in all the dysfunction. And she didn’t get to tell her side of things. But how could she, all she did was yell denials. You could hear a producer say to the mother, “why are you doing this to yourself”?

Why? When you are Bipolar and are not properly treated or following treatment, you will go manic when things don’t go your way (yes, like a child). It’s like a fuse goes off in your head, and you will become erratic. You will become disruptive, and you won’t recognize that you are destroying the ones you deep down inside love. No, it’s not an excuse to turn into a monster, crazy person, but it means that the treatment plan isn’t working and something else needs to be tried out. Most people end up in the psychiatric ward. But, there is a switch in the brain that switches from calm to off the chain.

The mother even said that she didn’t know why her husband stayed married to her. She knows she is not well. She talked about excessive spending, and taking her son’s deceased wife wedding ring and throwing out things her children had stored in her home for safe keeping. When they wanted their personal belongings, the mother got rid of everything.

Bipolar is called Bipolar because of the person’s behavior and mood swings. Yelling at everyone, denial of what you have done to hurt others, feeling it is you that is being hurt, being promiscuous, spending excessively, not taking prescribed medication regularly. Using illegal drugs. Drinking. Becoming disruptive and embarrassing in public. Not sleeping for days. Non-stop chatter. The need to be in-control of everything including your adult children.

You also have the side of Bipolar where you become extremely depressed and isolated. You stop caring about things you used to love to do. You stop caring about your appearance. Everyday passes you by and you aren’t a part of it. You go inside a shell and stay there. You get angry at the smallest things. You become paranoid of everything. Your anxious about everything. You take some prescription medications but not all. You can’t sleep or sleep too much.

The mother said that she was Bipolar, and Dr. Phil and her children said that being Bipolar doesn’t give you the right to act a certain way and blame it on Bipolar. My question is, if a person is Bipolar Manic or Depressed at that moment, how can they stop the manic or depressed mood? They are in it and their mind is going 100 miles per hour being manic or 0 miles per hours being depressed. Why give a Bipolar diagnosis and then turn around and tell someone not to be that diagnosis. Why tell someone it is not their fault because it is a brain malfunction, a brain illness, a short circuit in the brain, the wire connections in the brain are mixed up, the brain this, the brain that. Yet, you tell the person to just stop acting that way, you tell the person that they are embarrassing you. You tell the person to snap out of it. You tell the person it is a chemical imbalance. No, it is not an excuse. It is an illness that science says there is no cure.

I empathized with the mother because I have Bipolar. When certain things trigger me now, I remove myself from the situation being it from friends, family, a place I am at (ie:store), a errand I am that I may get tired of doing, a phone call I am engaged on. I choose not to be around certain family members because of family dysfunction. I don’t go to certain places that I know will get me riled up (again stores), I can’t deal with poor customer service (well that goes for everybody, but it’s about how you handle it) so I try to avoid calling or going to places where I know customer service is typically bad (did I mention stores). I have a small circle of friends I like to be around, and trust me, it has been very hard trying to find a true group of friends, who are genuine and I feel comfortable around, and that I can be my “baseline” self (mental health term) which is calm, cool, collected, funny, caring, giving, helping. For a long time, I chose not to have friends, my children were enough to keep me busy. My boyfriend at the time kept me busy. I didn’t need girls night outs. Now that my kids are grown, I started wanting to develop friendships with mature women who I have things in common with. A group of friends where there is no meanness, jealously, bullying, and controlling behaviors. You watch reality television where grown women with children argue and fight and act like they will beat the other person up. I had to weed out potential friends that had that mentality. I befriended a few women my age who were single like me in a church group. One of the women seriously said to me at a Bible Study that, “You’re not going to take my friend from me”. The friend was our mutual friend and I was new to the mix. This woman didn’t want to be Facebook friends (that’s okay, but don’t act like I’m trying to get in your personal business. I mean jeez, some people have over 1,000 friends that they don’t know, and when I ask people I do know, they act like I am the IRS. , She kept acting like I was evading her friendship space. The three of us went out one time, and I made us late to an event and we couldn’t get in. Of course we all were upset, because I didn’t know the event was at maximum capacity when we got there. We still hung out that night, but you could just feel the resentment from the woman. The next time the mutual friend invited me to hang with them, they had me drive separate even though we lived in the same town. This time I made sure I was on time and arrived on time. I said to myself, why did they even invite me? I know I made us late before, it was after work and I took to long trying to get myself dressed up. I apologized more than I could count. I remained friends with the mutual friend for a while, but we never went out as a trio again. I said to myself, “can’t they forgive a girl for a one time mistake???” So making and maintaining friendships are hard at any age. It took a few years later, but now though, I feel I made some good friends. My friend’s haven’t had to see my Bipolarish ways, but I told one good friend that I wrote a book and it was about my mental health and my son’s mental health. She read my eBook and guess what?? She is still my friend after reading about me. Hey, everybody needs a friend. But former boyfriends did see it. But, in my defense, I didn’t date the top of the crop. I dated men who didn’t have my best interests at heart. So when they would do things to irk me, I would let them have it (yell and scream). I was in a 11-year relationship on and off and we didn’t live together, but he knew me inside and out and I knew him inside and out. You would have to buy my book on Amazon.com, “Crazy On The Inside Of Me With A Dash Of Hope- A mental health and homelessness journey reality book, to get more on that.

The mother said that she didn’t go anywhere or have any friends. She did express her love for Jesus, and she even shouted and did a praise dance at her daughter’s wedding, her daughter didn’t have a problem praising God, it was how her mother went over the top with it and embarrassed her guests. Her daughter also said that her mother decided to get her hair done day of the wedding and that is why the daughter was late. Her mother also wore white which the daughter felt upstaged the wedding.

I saw in the mother’s eyes that she was suffering inside. She is suffering deep down from something that she needs to work through. She is blessed to have a supportive husband of 36 years. But, only she can fix herself, not her husband. All her husband is is a band-aid.When you take the Band-aid off, the wound is not fully healed and the scars are like keloids raised up and unsitely looking. Only she can stitch up her wounds by getting the help Dr. Phil is offering. I see my psychiatrist, take my medications, and see my therapist. It is part of my lifestyle. I keep my social life small and quaint. I generally keep to myself and when I need a night or day out. I can call on my friends. A husband, no more boyfriend mode is still apart of my want, but not a need. I allowed the relationship to go on for 11-years to nowhere, but I now know what I want, and I know I grew a lot and I am doing a lot of self-care. I know that respect is earned both ways.

I rather save us all a headache and not force myself to be around family that has done hurt to me and I done hurt back. I forgave in my heart and decided to be around people who help make me a better me. I have motherly figures who know my story and still embrace me. I still have a few ex-boyfriend’s that we remain friends. I’m cool.

Family dysfunction is real, if it weren’t then we wouldn’t need family therapists I may not engage with my family, but I also don’t cause conflict with them. I find peace in my own little world. They don’t focus on my good, they just remember my not so good days (all in my book). But, I am not the only dealing with family estrangement and I will not feel guilty about it either.

I hope the mother gets help, because going around yelling, and crying, and being disruptive, and spending excessively, and not taking any responsibility for your actions is ultimately your responsibility. Not your spouse, not your children, not your family, and certainly not your friends.

When you are Bipolar manic, it’s like you’re in a spinning out of control car, and you can’t put the brakes on because it will make you hydroplane. No, you have to let the car spin-out to a stop and hopefully you don’t get hurt. Then you have to go get the car repaired. You cannot just stop in the middle of a manic episode, you have to let it ride out and get help. It’s just hard for family, children, significant loved ones, and even friends to cope with. That I understand.

My mother said one year that we (me, her, and my two sisters) need to go on Iyanla VanZant, Fix My Life. I wish she was serious because I sure would have participated.

But for now, I take joy in writing my blogs, writing my books, talking about my books, advocating for mental health and homelessness, running my social media pages on Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, twitter, Youtube. Yeah, I keep myself busy and keep to myself mostly.

#bipolar

#nomorestigma

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brentrogers · 4 years

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Love at First Sound: On Audiobooks and Marriage

Have you noticed how good relationship skills tend to apply across the board? Spouses who communicate well in their marriage probably also relate well to other people. As for those whose interactions with their partners are troubled, they may be experiencing similar difficulties when interacting with family members, friends, coworkers, and others.

For example, spouses who don’t yet know another way to deal with concerns may silently stew and let resentment build, instead of respectfully discussing issues positively, may behave similarly with coworkers. Failure to relate constructively results in a loss of trust and cooperation between the two, whether they’re spouses or colleagues.

Happily, the opposite of such a scenario occurred in a recent work relationship of mine, which involved making an audiobook edition of my book, Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love. While collaborating with its narrator, I was struck by many similarities between a good author-narrator relationship and a happy marriage.

I don’t mean to imply that a successful work interaction includes all the qualities of a thriving, lasting marriage because the latter requires some additional traits, which I’ll describe below. But first, we’ll focus on some similarities.

Choosing My Narrator

After listening to a few people narrate the same short part of my book, I chose Almond Eastland. I liked her soothing voice, warm tone, and inflections. Unlike the others, she emphasized the right words and paused just where I would have and for just how long. Love at first sound? Something like that. I knew right away; she was “the one.”

Research shows that most marriages based on love at first sight do not succeed over time. The author-narrator relationship, however, is expected to be a short-term one. It may be intense at times, but it’s not intended to last more than a couple of months.

Ups and Downs Happen

Marriages have ups and downs and so do other kinds of partnerships. The first challenge of Almond and me was getting past my naivety. Almond had already narrated several audiobooks. I’d never even listened to one, and now I was making one. I’d thought “audiobook” was another name for a CD!

Good spouses and good narrators are team players. Almond filled gaps in my knowledge. She explained that I, as the author, would need to arrange for a cover design, created according to specific requirements for an audiobook. She said she’d like the cover to include her name as narrator, but that it wasn’t necessary. Nice, I thought; Almond says clearly what she wants, yet she’s flexible.

Asking for What We Want Supports Good Relationships

In my therapy practice, I notice that many problems couples experience could have been prevented via respectful self-assertion. When couples can ask each other kindly for what they want, while accepting that sometimes, but not always, their wish will be granted, that’s terrific. When they fail to express their true feelings, wants, and needs to their partner, because they fear to be vulnerable, they build grudges over time.

I felt vulnerable as an audiobook producer. What did I know about making an audiobook cover? After looking at some CDs to get ideas for what to include on the front and back cover, I learned that an audiobook needs only a front cover, which is just an image because you download it to a smartphone or other device.

Another parallel to marriage: We don’t know everything. Many of us are naïve about what we’re getting into at first. I knew I needed to learn each phase of making an audiobook. The cover example is one of several signs of my inexperience. In marriage, too, we’re likely to make some mistakes because we lack knowledge. But if we’re open to learning how to achieve a goal, whether it’s an eye-catching cover or a fulfilling marriage (or both!), it’s never too late to learn, because help is out there.

Good Partners Fill in Gaps

Almond sensed my frustration during my difficult search for a cover designer. She reached out to her Facebook narrators group for recommendations and passed them along to me. I hired one who designed the cover.

The traits that Almond’s shown during our work together may explain why her marriage of 25 years still thrives. So let’s look at some of these qualities, which are assets in a relationship partner and ourselves. Almond demonstrates healthy self-assertion, flexibility and patience. Below are a few more of her traits that are also desirable in a spouse.

Helpful and Resourceful

Responding to my floundering attempts to arrange for a cover, Almond did some digging. She found the excellent designer I hired. She also enlisted her husband to help me navigate the site that finalizes production and distribution of audiobooks.

Empathic and Kind

Feeling apologetic for being ignorant about audiobooks, I told Almond, “It’s a steep learning curve for me.”

“It was that way for me too at first,” she responded.

A Team Player

Almond and I stayed in frequent contact. We celebrated small victories. The finalized, elegant cover felt like a hurdle conquered. I emailed it to her and wrote: “Yay! It’s done!”

“Yay!” Almond responded.

Once the narrator completes recording the book, the author listens to it and notes what to fix. I’m detail-oriented, alas, a perfectionist. Although Almond works full time as a professional in another field, she made the corrections promptly so we’d be able to stay on schedule for the audiobook’s release date.

Each of us did what we do well. I did the writing, and Almond did the narration. Team play also supports a good marriage. A wife might do the cooking because that’s her strength. Her husband is glad to do the clean-up after dinner because he’s more comfortable with that than with planning and preparing meals. Or vice versa.

Responsive to Feedback, Patient

I was impressed by Almond’s narration. Many authors might let it go at that. As Almond noted, I’d asked for quite a few corrections, and she made them.

Appreciative

Both of us regularly expressed appreciation to each other for adhering to our high standards while doing our parts to make the audiobook. In a good marriage, partners don’t take each other for granted; they remember to notice what they like and express appreciation to each other for what pleases them.

Trustworthy

Almond makes clear agreements and keeps them. She told me when her recording would be completed and finished it ahead of time. When we scheduled phone appointments, Almond kept them. If she wasn’t sure if she’d be available for one, she said she’d let me know, and did. Making clear agreements, and keeping (or renegotiating) them, are essential requirements for creating a trusting, intimate, lasting marriage.

What Traits Do You Value in a Partner and Yourself?

Radio talk show host Dennis Prager was recently asked, “What’s the most important thing you can do to be a good marriage partner?” He said, “Be easy to live with.”

That makes sense, though being easy to live with can mean different things to different people. Some people find someone who doesn’t express his or her wants, needs, and feelings easy to live with, but that trait can lead to emotional estrangement. Others may find it easy to live with someone who’s a good cook but turns out to be untrustworthy.

The traits that were shown by my book’s narrator, and I hope by myself (perfectionism excepted!), are the kind most of us would probably agree to exist in an easy-to-live-with marriage partner.

Which traits do you value in your spouse? If you’re single and marriage-minded, which of them would you want in a future mate?

A successful author-narrator, or another kind of, work relationship, does not need some of the qualities required for a fulfilling marriage. Examples of such attributes that help keep a marriage happy over time: enough shared values and interests, chemistry, intellectual compatibility, and similar lifestyle preferences.

Almond and I never met in person. We connected to achieve a short-term, specific goal. It doesn’t matter that she and I have different religions, are in different generations, and we’ve never met in person. She lives in Oklahoma, and I’m in California. I have no idea how she spends her free time. But I loved having her as my partner in creating an audiobook we’re both proud of and appreciate the person behind the voice.

It’s easy to take our spouse’s terrific traits for granted, but we reap countless rewards by noticing and commenting on them when displayed. No one’s perfect; we can all grow and improve by putting energy into the process. If we think “progress, not perfection,” we can further develop in ourselves some traits we admire in others. And by expressing appreciation for our partner’s good qualities, we’re helping them to continue to show them more often.

Love at First Sound: On Audiobooks and Marriage syndicated from

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 4 years

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Love at First Sound: On Audiobooks and Marriage

Choosing My Narrator

Ups and Downs Happen

Asking for What We Want Supports Good Relationships

Good Partners Fill in Gaps

Helpful and Resourceful

Empathic and Kind

Feeling apologetic for being ignorant about audiobooks, I told Almond, “It’s a steep learning curve for me.”

“It was that way for me too at first,” she responded.

A Team Player

Almond and I stayed in frequent contact. We celebrated small victories. The finalized, elegant cover felt like a hurdle conquered. I emailed it to her and wrote: “Yay! It’s done!”

“Yay!” Almond responded.

Responsive to Feedback, Patient

I was impressed by Almond’s narration. Many authors might let it go at that. As Almond noted, I’d asked for quite a few corrections, and she made them.

Appreciative

Trustworthy

What Traits Do You Value in a Partner and Yourself?

Radio talk show host Dennis Prager was recently asked, “What’s the most important thing you can do to be a good marriage partner?” He said, “Be easy to live with.”

The traits that were shown by my book’s narrator, and I hope by myself (perfectionism excepted!), are the kind most of us would probably agree to exist in an easy-to-live-with marriage partner.

Which traits do you value in your spouse? If you’re single and marriage-minded, which of them would you want in a future mate?

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2yHAomQ via IFTTT

#IFTTT #World of Psychology

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whorchataaa · 4 years

Text

Love at First Sound: On Audiobooks and Marriage

Choosing My Narrator

Ups and Downs Happen

Asking for What We Want Supports Good Relationships

Good Partners Fill in Gaps

Helpful and Resourceful

Empathic and Kind

Feeling apologetic for being ignorant about audiobooks, I told Almond, “It’s a steep learning curve for me.”

“It was that way for me too at first,” she responded.

A Team Player

Almond and I stayed in frequent contact. We celebrated small victories. The finalized, elegant cover felt like a hurdle conquered. I emailed it to her and wrote: “Yay! It’s done!”

“Yay!” Almond responded.

Responsive to Feedback, Patient

I was impressed by Almond’s narration. Many authors might let it go at that. As Almond noted, I’d asked for quite a few corrections, and she made them.

Appreciative

Trustworthy

What Traits Do You Value in a Partner and Yourself?

Radio talk show host Dennis Prager was recently asked, “What’s the most important thing you can do to be a good marriage partner?” He said, “Be easy to live with.”

The traits that were shown by my book’s narrator, and I hope by myself (perfectionism excepted!), are the kind most of us would probably agree to exist in an easy-to-live-with marriage partner.

Which traits do you value in your spouse? If you’re single and marriage-minded, which of them would you want in a future mate?

from https://ift.tt/2yHAomQ Check out https://peterlegyel.wordpress.com/

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ashley-unicorn · 4 years

Text

Love at First Sound: On Audiobooks and Marriage

Choosing My Narrator

Ups and Downs Happen

Asking for What We Want Supports Good Relationships

Good Partners Fill in Gaps

Helpful and Resourceful

Empathic and Kind

Feeling apologetic for being ignorant about audiobooks, I told Almond, “It’s a steep learning curve for me.”

“It was that way for me too at first,” she responded.

A Team Player

Almond and I stayed in frequent contact. We celebrated small victories. The finalized, elegant cover felt like a hurdle conquered. I emailed it to her and wrote: “Yay! It’s done!”

“Yay!” Almond responded.

Responsive to Feedback, Patient

I was impressed by Almond’s narration. Many authors might let it go at that. As Almond noted, I’d asked for quite a few corrections, and she made them.

Appreciative

Trustworthy

What Traits Do You Value in a Partner and Yourself?

Radio talk show host Dennis Prager was recently asked, “What’s the most important thing you can do to be a good marriage partner?” He said, “Be easy to live with.”

The traits that were shown by my book’s narrator, and I hope by myself (perfectionism excepted!), are the kind most of us would probably agree to exist in an easy-to-live-with marriage partner.

Which traits do you value in your spouse? If you’re single and marriage-minded, which of them would you want in a future mate?

from https://ift.tt/2yHAomQ Check out https://daniejadkins.wordpress.com/

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newssplashy · 6 years

Text

Pulse Blogger: Acrimony: A pity party I refused to turn up for

Tyler Perry was high on something hotter than the sun to be able to pull off such nerve racking movie.

I was skeptical when I saw it trending on twitter like Black Panther did months ago. But deep down, I couldn't remember one time Tyler disappointed in a movie, from the Madea series to Diary of a mad black woman.

All of them had genius buried in the DNA of the movies.

Tyler knew exactly what he did in that movie. From the narration by Taraji who played Melinda— a narration that was steeped in brokenness, helplessness and most importantly an unconscious appeal to the sympathy of the target audience. You cannot help seeing the movie and story from her standpoint. You may try to maintain a straight line of thinking while watching but I bet you won't know when you stagger off the line and plunge into a mucky water of her story.

Before you notice what had happened to you, you must have turned into a model of pity.

Tyler Perry and his crew studied the human emotions thoroughly not because they had an exam to pass but because you cannot manipulate what you don't understand. They had to understand the ‘why’s’, the ‘WTF's’, the ‘Awwwwws’, the ‘YES!’ the ‘this is cute’ and every other thing in relation to the anatomy of the human emotion.

The movie had everybody thinking about what they will do in that case, it had some people interpret their relationship with that script; it had some other people on the sidelines of love say "You see why love is Bullshit? You see why I am incapable of love? Acrimony is why"

Lol

Read Also: Life is nobody's age mate

The reason I refused to turn up for the pity party Melinda threw with her narration was simple; she was playing the victim. The narration was her point of view. Had Robert handled that narration, we would have seen and understood the anatomy of pain, rejection and frustrations. He would have taken the viewers down the dusty road of neglect and disregard.

If Melinda claims that Robert wasted her time and destroyed her life, Robert can claim that she was a bad omen in his life because it was after the divorce from her that his dream came true. Post relationship claims are full of crazy sentiments and well tailored blackmail. I stay out of conversations that see to a verbal brawl of people who once loved themselves.

Everything Melinda lost in Acrimony was her fault. Everything!

She lost her womb because of her anger. There was no point in trying to bring down that caravan house. She lost her marriage because a grown woman like her let her disgruntled sisters to advice her to leave her husband while they lived with theirs. Losing her own life was her fault too. She didn’t pay heed to the judge’s instruction.

She found her way into the boat she claimed was hers. In fact, Melinda was a mad woman. She was an insane woman! I won’t exhaust the little sympathy I have left on Melinda. She doesn’t deserve the effort of pity. I will not feel sorry for her because of her anger issue. It was her duty to fix her life and not my duty to share pity when things go south as a result of her not seeking help.

Melinda ruins a boat cruise with her bitterness. Shoots at Robert and axes his leg. She dies and he dies. At least she had succeeded in killing him after trying years ago. This was her only success in the movie—killing and Robert and ruining his new found love with her new found insanity.

Finally, I feel a certain level of gratification knowing that I have penned down half the way I feel about Acrimony and most importantly throw my weight behind the conversation. You may want to see my submission as insensitive or wicked but I promise not to budge because you won’t understand how I dislike being generous with sympathy. I use it sparingly like a foolish man uses wisdom.

Written by Mark Anthony Osuchukwu.

Mark Anthony Osuchukwu is a writer, social commentator and critic. He is on instagram as onye_mark. He can be reached via [email protected]

source http://www.newssplashy.com/2018/08/pulse-blogger-acrimony-pity-party-i.html

#News

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dudence-blog · 6 years

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Dear Dudence for 14 December 2017

It’s a week until Christmas and Hanukkah is in swing. Hopefully you’ve got your presents ordered, wrapped, or delivered. If you’re one of the lucky few who don’t need to write to an advice columnist to figure out who you should spend your holidays with I hope it’s a great time for you. I’ve got the gluehwein warming in the kitchen so on to the letters other people asked someone else!

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and he is loving, caring, and dedicated. He’s in the medical field and enjoys helping his patients. Most of the time, I can see myself marrying him and being happy, but some things he says politically make me nervous, and I’m worried that he’s too uncaring about other people’s situations. He doesn’t have a problem with Roy Moore being a senator because “he hasn’t been convicted.” He seems to judge sexual harassment victims for not coming forward earlier and doesn’t understand why some wouldn’t.

Dear Is He Insensitive, welcome to being in a relationship with someone who roots for another team than you do. Sometimes this difference is between Yankee and Red Sox fans, sometimes it’s between OU and UT. In this case it’s between D and R. Your boyfriend is making excuses for Roy Moore’s behavior in the same way that Mets fans were perfectly cromulent with Jose Reyes’ domestic abuse and Texans fans shake their heads about Brian Cushing’s PED use. Your boyfriend also has the perfectly human response to the victims of “This isn’t what I would do or what I would expect everyone I know to do if it happened to them.” It doesn’t make him right or them wrong, it’s just something people do. It doesn’t mean he is insensitive to the plight of such victims closer to him. He just chooses to spend his emotional attention on people who are not complete strangers thousands of miles away with whom he will never interact. I want you to go ahead and ignore Newdie’s advice on this one because, honestly, she is a child who thinks that history began on or about 21 January 2009. Roy Moore is an awful person; his political actions alone should have been disqualifying for the office of Senator, that he took an interest in young women which was awkward for the time, and downright creepy when viewed through today’s expectations (Unless you’re the President and First Lady of France). That he lost is, probably, for the benefit of the nation. But unless you live in Alabama your boyfriend’s view on Moore’s candidacy matters exactly as much to your relationship as to whether he was a Cubs fan who was suddenly less than willing to condemn Ardolis Chapman as an abuser. Also, let me go ahead and let you know that every single person who seeks that high of an elected office is, at some level, an awful person. You need to be to have the single-minded megalomania to decide you, and you alone, know what is best for several thousand to hundreds of millions of people, many of whom deeply and sincerely disagree with you. It’s just a matter of whether their awfulness has been brought to light, or if they’re a member of your team. You might be too young to remember, but 18 months ago Bill Clinton’s history of assault and harassment was just not that important, and almost 30 years ago no less a feminist than Gloria Steinem believed he was entitled to One Free Grope. Rand Paul is, apparently, an awful-enough neighbor to justify being assaulted. Bob Menendez and Alcee Hastings took bribes. There are, what, 4 Congressmembers who’ve been outed using taxpayer dollars to settle harassment claims? Only you can decide whether your politically disinterested boyfriend’s lazy defense of a bad candidate is worth you blowing up a relationship with someone who satisfies you in the many other dimensions of a relationship. I, personally, wouldn’t end a relationship I can see otherwise ending in wedding bells over a disagreement on the players on your political team.

Is it ever acceptable to make a request about your partner’s appearance? I would never comment on something like weight or unchangeable physical characteristics (nor would I want to—I think my wife is beautiful). But what about easily changeable things? My wife has recently stopped coloring her hair, so now she is all gray.

Dear Dye Job, of course it’s acceptable to make requests about your partner’s appearance. “Honey, I really like that red blouse you wore last week,” be polite, sensitive, and keep it positive. As for your specific request let’s talk. It was something she previously did, but she has stopped doing. Maybe she didn’t like the hassle, maybe she thought it wasn’t money well-spent, maybe she didn’t think you noticed it enough, maybe she is just deciding to give her hair a break for a bit. I’d suggest just asking her about it. Frame the question in a positive and supportive way; if she asks if you have a preference, be honest, but accept it might just not be something she wants to do. You’ll never know if you don’t ask.

I’m in my late-30s but for some reason am painfully embarrassed by my pre-teen/middle school years. I don’t want any throwback pics or “hey, remember how you used to...” discussion. It’s completely irrational. I was not tormented and had no particularly traumatic incidents. Just your garden-variety awkward. Anyway, I’ve never told anyone this because I realize it’s nuts. If things come up, I just laugh along and change the subject as swiftly as possible. But recently a family member has started posting clips from old family videos on Facebook. I am absolutely mortified at the thought of some of the videos that I know they have of me being made public.

Dear Adolescent Embarrassment, are you me? It might be small comfort but, honestly, as long as your recorded moments don’t feature you fiving a Nazi salute or shooting the neighbors pets no one fucking cares how embarrassing and awkward you were as a pre-teen because all of us were like that. The coolest, sexist, most confident person you know has a picture of video of them wearing awful clothes, a then-popular hairstyle, and their voice cracking in that awful way it does. Ask whoever has those videos to not upload ones of you, and if they do it anyway just ignore it.

I am 36 years old and have been in a relationship with a great guy for almost two years. He is 43. We are talking about marriage and possibly kids if that works out. I have zero issues with our relationship—it’s great. The only concern I have is that prior to dating me, my boyfriend only dated very attractive women under 26 years old. Some of them were even as young as 20 or 22, while he was in his mid-to-late 30s. I guess I am concerned that someday he will want to go back to that.

Dear Reading Too Much, in addition to believing that history began on or about 21 January 2009 NuPru also thinks that romantic partners are incapable of wanting anything different from what they have dated before. Yes, it is possible he might want to go back to dating college-age women, or the fact he’s dating you and you two are discussing a future together means he’s ready to move on from dating women in their early to mid 20s. Also, since you’re talking age-ranges here a 34 year old dating a 26 year old is not exactly Mrs. Robinson trying to seduce someone. Heck, it’s well within Half Your Age +7. NuPru is reading an exceptional amount of malice into very sparse information. If you haven’t talked with your boyfriend about your concern that you might be a bit too mature for his chickenhawkish ways may I suggest that you do so. However, when you do I suggest you throw out all the argle-bargle NuPru mentioned about “power imbalance”, “being fresh out of high school”, etc because the only way to make that conversation end more poorly would be to ask if he’s preparing to run for the Senate in 20 years. Don’t ask him why he wanted to date youngerer women, ask him what makes his relationship with you more special than the ones that came before.

I recently got out of a very long-term relationship. I hadn’t expected to enter the dating world so soon, but I met a guy while traveling for work and made an instant connection with him. I only travel to his area a few weeks a year, so I stayed in contact with him and we chat almost every day. Well, I’ve just recently met someone else more local (once again, it caught me by surprise). I know I’m not necessarily ready for a relationship with either, but I’m really starting to like both of them. I’ve always felt I could be polyamorous, as I feel that people have the capability to care for and love multiple people, but should I continue spending time with both of them?

Dear Poly Maybe?, you see that cart in front of you? You need to dismount your horse, unhitch it from the cart, move your horse in front of the cart, then rehitch it. You’re newly free from a long-term relationship and now you’ve found multiple people you want to bang. It is far, far, far more likely that something is going to come along to derail your relationship with either, or both, of them before you need to start explaining how you love them both equally and hope they’re okay with you being banged by the other.

My father has just collapsed from a cancer none of us knew he had. He is ailing, and my mother is absolutely freaking out. She has always had undiagnosed, untreated mental illnesses. Since his retirement, she has clung to my father. My sister is there trying to manage things while my father is in the hospital. If she leaves the room, my mother freaks out. Last night mom called me, hysterical, saying that she had been “abandoned” (my sister went to the gym). She wandered the neighborhood wailing and sobbing until a neighbor came out to talk to her. Sooner or later, someone may call the police. She has not been to a doctor since I was born (I’m in my 50s). She won’t listen to anyone and wouldn’t let a caseworker into the house to assess the situation. I am estranged from all of them but would like to get her some help.

Dear Mother off the Rails, provide your sister the elderly care information Newdie offered.

I recently asked out a man and he said yes (yay!). However, it turns out my roommate is also interested in him.

Dear Swiped a Crush, she who hesitates is lost. Give her the polite heads-up, be prepared for some drama, but go on with your plans. Real life is not an episode of Friends.

My daughter is 16 years old. Her mother and I have been divorced for most of my daughter’s life. For years, I have had to fight my ex’s attempt to keep my daughter from me and to keep joint, 50-50 custody. However, as a teen my daughter has been rebelling—stealing, failing school, et cetera. I’ve punished her by taking her phone away or not letting her go over to friend’s houses. Instead of backing me up, my ex sides with my daughter—without asking me why I punished her.

Dear Daughter Doesn’t Want, the good news is in a few years she’ll be dating Reading Too Much’s ex-boyfriend. Wait, that might not be good news. I would not sacrifice your time with your daughter so easily as Newdie is suggesting. I get the impression that your relationship with your daughter’s mother is not the most amicable, but if you haven’t had a serious parent-to-parent discussion with her lately over your daughter’s behavior, discipline for her self-destructive actions, and the expectation that you’ll both support one another you need to. I’d also suggest dealing with your lawyer about what your options actually are. Your daughter is old enough that her preferences should be given some serious weight, but she’s not so old or mature that she should just be allowed to go off the rails.

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sarahburness · 7 years

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How to Cope with a Toxic and Estranged Family Relationship

“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.” ~Unknown

You two are family. Maybe you grew up with them and were by their side for a huge chunk of their life. There was a lot of laughing, crying, and sharing. Some fighting too.

You know how their brain works probably better than anyone else. But sometimes, in adulthood, those closest to you can become unrecognizable—estranged, cold, and careless. For no apparent reason, you find yourself shut out of their life. Your peace-feelers are increasingly rejected. You’ve been left out in the cold.

There is always a reason why people turn out the way they do. But, sometimes the metamorphosis is so gradual that it sneaks up on you, and one day, you wake up and wonder, “How did it come to this?”

You want them back. So you start to question and blame yourself. Was it the time I chose to go to the party instead of keeping her company? Was it when I used his things without asking? What did I do to deserve this? What can I do to make it better?

While it’s good to ask yourself such questions, sometimes the lesson you are meant to learn is to let go of the memory of who they were and accept who they have become.

This is based on my own relationship with my sister. We’d always been close, and when I was growing up, I looked up to her as my role model. I was shy, nerdy, and runty. She was pretty, popular, and good at sports.

But after she went to college and, four years later, I followed suit on another continent, our lives didn’t really intersect. When we did meet, we’d butt heads about a lot of things. She had grown bitter in the years post high school, while I’d grown up, become assertive, and was impulsively exploring the world. Still, despite our differences, I thought we’d always be there for one another.

Then she got married to a man who doesn’t get along with me or our parents. They began living in a strange emotional autarky.

She grew very cold, defensive, and resentful toward our family and began to cut me out of her life. I tried to reach out and mend the relationship, but she refused to open up. She’s always been proud that way.

One day when I told her I loved her and wished we could be close like before, she replied, “That was a long time ago.”

Over the last few years, the relationship has really gone downhill. I’ve struggled with the hurt of “losing” my sister, as well as feelings of self-blame as I struggled to find a reason for her change. I have racked my brain for memories of what I could’ve done wrong, but my mind draws a blank.

Then, I decided I didn’t want to dwell on feeling hurt any longer. I didn’t want to keep longing for and trying to rekindle the sisterhood we once had.

I have come to realize my sister is not the person I once knew, and I have to accept that, learn to let go, and move on. That is how I decided to take certain decisions for the sake of my own happiness and mental health.

I hope this advice can help those who may be experiencing a toxic and estranged relationship with a family member with whom they had once been close.

1. Identify in what ways the relationship may be toxic and how it makes you feel.

A toxic relationship can manifest in many ways. Perhaps your relative always puts you down, lacks empathy, acts passive-aggressive, or ignores you when you speak.

Once you have pinpointed the person’s patterns of behavior, become aware of how they affect your mood, body language, energy levels, self-esteem, and peace of mind. Knowing how to recognize toxicity and its effects is the first step to understanding your feelings and empowering yourself to deal with the situation.

2. Accept that you may never find the root cause for your relative’s behavior.

People do therapy for years—there’s never a simple answer. You may be able to talk to your relative to find out why s/he acts a certain way. You may not. Sometimes, the reason why a person treats you badly may not have anything to do with what you’ve done, but in the way they process and respond to their own life experiences. Hardships may strengthen one person or make another bitter.

In any case, try to reframe toxicity by understanding it tends to come from a place of unhappiness or discontent. People’s hurtful actions will then become less hurtful to you when you realize they reflect their inner state rather than you.

3. Do not normalize toxicity.

If you have done nothing wrong, don’t forget it is not normal for anyone to continually be negative, inconsiderate, and hurtful toward you. It is very easy to lose perspective about what is right and wrong especially when you are constantly justifying a person’s behavior with stories of their past, experience of trauma or hardships.

People tend to make concessions for difficult or estranged loved ones because they wish to forgive and forget, avoid conflict, or do not want to push the person farther away. Empathy is good, but it cannot be used to keep making excuses for terrible behavior. Sometimes one needs to set limits and say “enough!” before such behavior becomes the new normal.

4. Don’t expect anything from your estranged relative.

Yes, you might expect your family to have your back because you’d do the same, but don’t count on it with an estranged relative with whom you struggle to maintain a relationship. I’ve learned not to be dependent or expect any help from my sister, even though I grew up believing that’s what siblings should do for one another.

5. Realize it takes two people to fix a relationship.

As much as you try, if the other person is not ready or not willing, you may not fix much. The relationship will remain toxic for as long as the person is unable to change. You cannot blame yourself for it. You have done your best.

6. Decide how much space you want to give them in your life.

You will probably encounter your relative again at family gatherings, or you may need to communicate with them about family matters. In this case, minimize the amount of time you spend in their presence and keep communication to a minimum.

Sometimes, though, you may need to cut them out of your life entirely, whether permanently or momentarily. Keeping a space open for them and constantly making the effort to reach out is emotionally exhausting.

Once you have deemed you have tried enough and done your best, don’t feel guilty about drawing the line and deciding that enough is enough.

7. Don’t bottle things up.

Communicate your feelings to people you trust. If the person knows your relative, you may learn that they also share the same feelings of hurt and disappointment in dealing with him/her.

Talking through your feelings is therapeutic and helps you acquire perspective about the situation.

In my case, my parents also have a toxic relationship with my sibling, and I found that letting them talk about it and encouraging them not to bottle things up has been a great release for them.

8. Refrain from frequently gossiping about your relative, especially to a wide circle of people.

There is a difference between sharing your feelings with people you trust and constantly focusing all conversations on this individual and what s/he did or said. You risk getting into the habit of speaking badly of someone, and the conversation will often just keep going around in circles. Also, the negative talk can also return to your relative’s ears and feed the cycle of negativity and estrangement.

Instead, decrease the mental and emotional energy spent thinking about your relative, and focus on the positive aspects of your and your loved-ones’ lives.

9. Don’t give your relative an opportunity to blame you.

People like my sister are often extreme narcissists who blame everyone but themselves. It is important not to give him or her ammunition for this blame-game. If he/she always shows up late, acts rude, never tidies up, or uses your things, resist the temptation to do the same in return. Do the right thing and s/he won’t be able to reproach you anything.

10. Accept you may not be able to have a frank, heart-to-heart conversation.

My sister goes through life demonstrating a character devoid of vulnerability or weakness. If you are faced with an emotionally inaccessible and excessively proud individual, you may have to accept the fact that you may never have that cathartic moment of truth you so crave. Strive for closure on your side and move on.

11. Shift your focus.

Do not dwell on the pain and hurt of “losing” a relative. Don’t focus on trying to grapple with the toxic relationships in your life. Build upon the positive ones you have instead. Accept the cards that life has dealt you and make the best of them. Live your life and cultivate your soul. Be content and grateful for what you have and who you are, for that is more than enough to fill a heart with happiness!

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