#alcohol-use-disorder

[boozemusingsandboom]

Guide to your First Month Sober: Why and How to Quit Drinking

I was living in a coma, a series of grey days that seemed to bleed into one another like a charcoal sketch left in the rain. I knew my drinking was a problem, but I had no idea that every single one of my problems were caused by alcohol...

Demystifying the First Month Sober for the Sober Curious I’m nothing short of stunned by the dramatic changes that have occurred in my life over the course of the past 5 weeks since I decided to commit to 3 months of sobriety. I’ve been thinking a lot about how to describe my first month sober to someone else in the early stages of sobriety — someone perhaps, who can’t quite bring themselves to…

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#Addiction #alcohol-free-living #alcohol-use-disorder #Alternatives-to-AA #AUD #Community-Support-to-Stop-Drinking #Dry-January #Health #healthy-lifestyle #Living Sober #personal-growth #Resources #Sober Curious #Sober Perspective #Sobriety

[neuroticboyfriend]

don't know how to put this into words that make sense but addiction feels like a really long train ride. you just get farther and farther from home. you know you have to go back. you know the farther out you go the more time, money, and energy it'll take to get home. you know you have things to do at home. you have people you miss and hobbies to do and things to take care of. but you're already so far out. so you just keep going and telling yourself it's better to never look back. you try to find comfort and joy gazing out the window at all the new places and scenes, but you really just keep getting more lost. nothing is familiar anymore - except for the train. except for the mother fucking train.

you know every nook and cranny of that god damn train, but nothing about yourself or your future or what you really want out of life. and the worst part is, if you don't turn around, one day you'll hit the end of the line. but there will be no train back. you'll never go home again. you'll never go anywhere again.

#(ok to rb) #softspoonie #julian rants #addiction #substance use disorder #mentally ill #mental illness #chronic illness #chronically ill #creative writing #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled emotions #spilled writing #spilled feelings #substance use #drug use #substance abuse #substance misuse #alcoholic #alcoholism

[yellowocaballero]

Omg hi Ms. Yellow Caballero big fan of your work <3 For real though, I'm really excited that your sharing the Weekenders, it was a joy to read and I'm bongocat-ing now that others also get the privilege to read it as well.

Referencing your tags, would you please elaborate of ableism in fandom and, like you said, how fandom treats characters with unpalatable disabilities?

Hi Ms. Bud Lite I'm a big fan of you <3

TL;DR A fear of writing characters of highly marginalized identities shields you from criticism and discomfort, but it's actively stigmatizing to people of these identities and as a writer you really need to get over yourself and write The Icky People.

I guess I'll come out swinging on this one and say that fandom doesn't like severe mental illness. (As a note, when I say severe mental illness (SMI) I mean illnesses such as psychotic disorders, bipolar disorder, substance use disorders, personality disorders, etc)

Obviously, nobody likes people w/SMI. It's just insanely egregious in fandom to me, since fanfic writers absolutely love writing characters or HC characters with depression, anxiety, or a specific variety of PTSD That Isn't Scary. People actively reject any character HCs for a SMI. When people write a character with SMI, they nicely downplay it, ignore it, substitute it for a disorder they like better, or rewrite it. It's completely untolerated, in both headcanons and in fanfiction, and every time I bring it up I always get the most interesting reasons why somebody couldn't possibly acknowledge a character's SMI in their writing. I've heard all of these:

"I don't know enough about the disorder to write it accurately." Do research.

"I'm not X, so I can't really depict it." You probably aren't a cis white man, but you depict those guys just fine.

"It feels insulting to the character." There is no shame in having a SMI.

"I can't understand what it's like, so it's better to be cautious and avoid giving characters stigmatized identities." There are LOTS of experiences that you'll never understand because you've never had them - you just don't want to write anything you're uncomfortable with. People with SMI make you uncomfortable, and you don't want to write anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, or think of a comfort character in an uncomfortable way. SMIs are marginalized differently than solely depression/anxiety/The Nice PTSD, and by refusing to write them you're actively contributing to the stigma.

I think (?) I've spoken in the past about how I believe that the rigorous external and internal policing of writing people of marginalized identities is actively harmful towards efforts to increase diversity of experience and background in fiction. A lot of fanfiction writers are just terrified to write people who they can't directly relate with, because they're worried 'they'll get it wrong' and be Big Cancelled. I think this is negative enough when it prevents people from going outside of their comfort zone, but on a macro level I think this results in people refusing to write characters of marginalized identities as all. It's an insidious thought process, and it's reflected in people's unwillingness to diversity their writing or acknowledge canon diversity.

'Well, I don't understand what it's like to be Black, so I don't want to write Black people'. 'I want to project on this character, so I only want to write them with mental illnesses and identities I have'. 'If I write a marginalized character incorrectly people will yell at me, so I won't write a marginalized character who's marginalized differently than me at all'. Can you imagine writing a lesbian character with a boyfriend because 'you feel uncomfortable writing lesbian experiences'? It's blatantly homophobic. But people do that with disability and race/ethnicity ALL THE TIME.

People with SMI notice that you feel uncomfortable with them. It's obvious. They notice when a character has a SMI + anxiety, and you only write their anxiety. They notice when a character displays symptoms of a SMI in canon, but you write it out. And POC notice when the characters of color are written out. I know we all like to project on the blorbos and relate to them, and in the joys of your own head do whatever, but as a writer if you only stick to identities you're comfortable with you are actively being a worse writer. Which to me is the REAL sin lmfao.

#my asks #thanks for enabling me lizzy if i didn't get this out i would have just vagued for the rest of time #even just beyond all of this on a more subtle lvl. HC people with SMI cowards. just do it. its good for you. #the two times me/a close friend have proposed on a fandom server "hey I read X as having a SUD/being on the schizophrenic spectrum' #there was actual fascinating pushback and rejection #people got MAD. #'blorbo wouldn't be an alcoholic he's not a bad person :(' fuck off #i dont use the word often but its ableism and you can be mentally ill and still ableist #if you dont feel educated enough on something to write it then do research #and while research wont give you everything it's a start #if you feel like you can only write people just like you then frankly? skill issue #i mentioned that the last fic was a bit of a spite fic - well #it was scientifically fascinating how the majority of a fandom wrote/acknowledged a character as depressed and anxious #but actively got incredibly defensive when someone suggested that the psychotic character may have had a psychotic disorder #it was so blatant. very annoying. anyway.

[annabelle--cane]

you! person who talks about how "everyone has an addiction" and mainly means phones/video games! quick quick, tell me how you feel about people who compulsively use drugs!

#head in my haaaands. if this is how you chose to conceptualize all unhealthy relationships to nonliving physical objects #then at least let it build some compassion and solidarity for people with substance use disorders #'everyone has an addiction and there's no shame in that! well unless it's drugs alcohol or gambling. those people suck.' dude. #absolutely not interested in litigating what I mean here so no rebloggie for you. sorry. #marina marvels at life

[fuckingwhateverdude]

@nosebleedclub // dec. #28

#alcoholism vibes lately #my writing #my writing tag #nosebleedclub #nosebleed club #poetry #original poem #spilled ink #mental illness #vent writing #alcohol abuse #substance abuse #substance use #self medication #bipolar disorder

[red-umbrella-811]

This one’s for all my friends on here with problems.

If you’re having a trauma or anxiety episode, if you’re thinking about killing yourself, you just need to make it through tonight. The morning won’t make everything good, but things will be better.

Do what you need to do. If you’re struggling to make it through this moment, there are things like exercise for anxiety, cold water on the face for anxiety or flashbacks, other distress tolerance skills. Use your skills, white knuckle it. Don’t use substances or behaviors. Surf the urge.

Try to get some sleep. It’ll be better if you do, but the morning will still be better than the night if you don’t. If you can’t sleep, see if you can lie down and listen to or watch something comforting, maybe with your eyes closed.

If you can’t do that, see if you can be kind to yourself. Maybe that feels natural right now, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe you don’t deserve it. Try it anyway. If there’s some cosmic (or literal) debt to be paid for it, you can pay it in the morning.

Try to be kind. If you can eat, eat something comforting. If you’re in a bed or couch, maybe curl up with a soft blanket or stuffed animal. Smell something that smells like home.

This isn’t about solving the problem, this is about getting you to a place where solving the problem might be possible. It’ll probably take more than a night. But right now, we’re just making it through to see the sun again.

#mental health #suicide #suicidal ideation #panic attack #depression #anxiety #ptsd #mental illness #coping skills #distress tolerance #mental distress #DBT #ptsd recovery #ptsd thoughts #anxiety attack #addiction #eating disoder recovery #alcoholism #substance use disorder

[bonetrousledbones]

question can you infodump about your Little Guys (atbb) to me because ive been following for like a year and i still dont totally understand them past papyrus au. they are really cool tho

oh my god ok so. first off atbb is the acronym for my ask blog @ask-the-bone-boys that's been on hiatus for a little over a year now. it was born in 2018 out of the annoyance of everything au-centered being sans and also a way to explore how the classic "aus get stuck in the original universe" fic trope would go if it was somebody from the "original" story leaving their universe instead. and also an excuse to make papyrus miserable to be fully honest

also also im going to preface this by saying i ship selfcest and there is some selfcest in this story ok if anybody has issue with that then uh. oopsies (i can explain the way i view it at another time if anybody;s interested but im already gonna ramble like hell here so not rn)

with that groundwork laid im gonna put this under a cut lmao dont click this

for the sake of organization- part 1: RUSS

STARTING AT THE BEGINNING so some very basic backstory for this Undertale Papyrus specifically is that he and his brother are twins, they grew up bouncing around several foster homes until they decided to run away to live in the woods on their 14th birthday, where they lived in a bigass tent for three years until Papyrus got badly injured and they had to get help from the townspeople, who uh kinda unofficially adopted them and thats how "they just showed up one day"

then more time passed and around 3 years after getting to the surface Papyrus was booted out of his universe by Mysterious Circumstances. he got a very bad introduction to the multiverse because the place he landed was my own version of horrortale, undermunch. there he meets Spooks!

i have a whole side-fic where you can read in better detail how this goes but basically monsters don't turn to dust in this world and also Spooks is a cannibal, which Papyrus doesn't know until he realizes he was fed spaghetti made out of a rabbit monster. IN addition to that, Spooks has very different magic from other aus, that being it's pretty much all concentrated into a kind of blue-magic-venom that comes out of his teeth like a snake.

Long story short Papyrus has to escape from Spooks somehow, and that's how he learns he's able to move through universes by himself. It still takes him a while to learn how to without being in a life-or-death situation, but that's ok because almost every other universe he goes to after that puts him into a life-or-death situation :>

and then FINALLY he gets spat out into a variation of Underswap, where he meets Honey. this one's a bit spoilery because i haven't finished writing this fic yet BUT its ok because this will be so so so disorganized. anyway so Papyrus is scared of Honey at first because he's been getting completely fucking obliterated by the multiverse (his leg is broken and he's wearing a chest plate he stole from a different papyrus who died in front of him) but Honey is relatively patient with him and lets him stay on his couch on the surface. This is where Papyrus gets the nickname Russ!

Russ is dealing with a broken leg when he shows up in this universe, so he stays with Honey for a little over three months while he recovers from that as well as (some of) the multiverse traumas he'd been collecting up to that point. The main things that he still can't shake are nightmares, trust/attachment issues, and EXTREME food paranoia. he refuses to eat anything he hasn't prepared himself, and even that can be a struggle. Also, because of how long he spent without getting it properly treated, his leg never fully heals.

He starts getting really really homesick the longer he stays in this universe. It builds up over his whole stay, but only starts to get Very Bad after he gets the cast off of his leg. Honey's home is extremely similar to his own home, and sometimes just seeing him and his brother interacting with each other makes Russ upset.

OH I FORGOT TO TALK ABOUT THE CODEPENDENCY ok so at some point Russ just starts completely clinging to Honey and Honey doesn't know what to do about it so he just kinda. unintentionally feeds into it and this turns into Russ sleeping in Honey's bed and blah blah blah eventually this becomes a problem for Honey because he doesn't know how to address Russ's homesickness and clinginess without hurting him somehow even though Honey is extremely stressed and actively burning out

Then Russ overhears Honey venting to Undyne and feels. crushed. And he reacts incredibly rationally! By avoiding Honey as much as possible! But it does not take him long at all to break down and the two finally have a chat about boundaries. They work out a plan together that Honey thinks will genuinely help and Russ thinks will get himself off of Honey's back. The plan is that they'll figure out how to control Russ's world-hopping ability and get him back home.

The idea is that if he's able to control when and how he leaves, he can control where he goes. Then, when he inevitably lands in his home, he'll pop back in Underswap and tell Honey how it went. Because he can control it! Of course!

Honey gives him one of his hoodies and a photo camera to remember him by. Russ tries to figure out what it was in the past that might have helped him jump universes, which was the desire to be just about anywhere other than where he was at that moment. So, he just, thought about going home instead!

And it worked! And he left Honey's universe! And then he realized he didn't land at his home at all! And when he tried to go back to Honey's universe, he went somewhere entirely different as well! And he never saw Honey again! Wahoo!

This is the point where he just becomes a complete mess I'm not gonna lie to you, he starts drinking even though he really really REALLY hates alcohol, he only eats enough to stay conscious, he gets into fights just for the adrenaline rush, and only stays in one universe long enough to confirm it's not his home before either leaving for the next one or collapsing somewhere and hoping he doesn't get attacked while he sleeps for two hours

then he lands in Edge's universe and this needs a part two now OOPS

#trousled rambles #EMPHASIS ON RAMBLES #atbb #undertale #papyrus #russ #wasnt gonna use main tags but you know what. the papyrus tag could use this kind of enrichment i think #glanced at it today and must've reported like 10 posts for spam in 15 mins #at least i put my long shit under a read more!!!!!!!!!!!! #ahem. anyway yeah it is slightly embarrassing that i have to break this into multiple parts but i put. so much thought into the lore here o #at least russ has the bulk of it so the next ones wont be so insane #i'll keep going in a bit but i think i need a break from typing and also to. eat somethjing lmao #edit oh my god i forgot ALL of the tws guys sorry #cannibalism // #broken bones // #eating disorder // #codependency // #alcohol // #self harm // #(not outright stated but he does deliberately harmful stuff yknow) #ask to tag

[agent-calivide]

Seraphina Enya "Phoenix" Ardeat full backstory

Content Warnings for: Mental and Emotional Abuse,Child Neglect, Alcoholism, Drug use, Eating Disorder, Car accidents, mental health struggles, inferiority complex, and feelings of expendability.

This story is not a happy one, you do not need my Phoenix's full backstory to appreciate her as a character, nor to follow the premise of any of my fanfics. This is just a little bit of bonus content for those curious, but if any of the above are triggering:

Do not feel like you have to read what's below to follow my fanfics or any of my other IEYTD work.

The information explains my Phoenix's mannerisms, but lacking the context does not make any of my other works unreadable.

So, it occurred to me recently that, while I talk and write a lot about my Phoenix, I've never sat down and given y'all her backstory about how she got to the EOD, especially seeing how she's rather young (something that becomes much more obvious in Glaring Gears once I actually start editing it)

Seraphina Enya Ardeat was born to Caine and Mary Ardeat, and they were the spitting image of a 1950's family... With an emotionally abusive father and a mother who was clocked out of life with a mixture of red wine and opioids.

Because of her mother's physical presence but otherwise complete absence in every other way, Seraphina was pushed to take up the mantle of homemaker very, very early in life. Growing up, she was expected to cook and clean for her father while also balancing schoolwork, leading to shaky grades and sub-par results at home. This was not good enough, which lead to many, many nights of Seraphina sobbing while her father berated her and her mother simply watched.

As the years went by, the treatment only grew worse, with her father speaking terrible things to her through middleschool and into highschool, making her feel like she couldn't do anything right.

"Not smart enough to go to college and not pretty enough to be a trophy wife" was a go-to insult that clung to her skin and carved itself into her mind. Especially as she grew a love for technology, loving flashing screens and spinning dials and the magic of radio waves and magnetism and how electricity travels, but feeling like she was never going to be smart enough to properly follow it in any significant manner. This road block leads to her idolization of Zoraxis tech and Dr Roxanna Prism, even if she'd never switch sides for it.

Of course, the other comment ate at her just as much, Seraphina starting to calorie count and manage her waist far too young to be worrying about such things. She's shorter than average because she stunted her growth greatly by not feeding herself properly in her youth. Handler started giving food after missions because she neglected herself so greatly in the early days of missions she'd usually be on the verge of passing out after most of them. She shrugs it off as exhaustion, but M knows what it is.

As Seraphina grew tired and burnt out, she desperately tried to find a way out, ending up finding herself at the bottom of one of her mother's wine bottles and being given the liquid courage to try and drive away in the middle of the night. The combination lead to a massive car wreck that, while it didn't kill her, did leave her rather bloodied and in a lot more trouble with her father.

She couldn't save up money from an actual job, but she pinched pennies wherever she could from dollar bills left lying around, stashing coins, and taking odd jobs like helping clean up other people's homes and other under the counter gigs all through highschool, and the second she graduated she was gone.

Took all of her life savings, sunk it into the only jalopy she could afford, grabbed a few sets of clothes and vanished. She drove for days on end until she was sure she was far enough away nobody would find her and spent all of her time filling out job request forms. She slept in her car and cleaned up in public bathrooms, it wasn't pleasant and at times she'd wondered if she made the right decision.

But, after ages of radio silence, someone finally reached out, the EOD.

While the EOD prided themselves on being a highly specialized division, they also were... incredibly desperate. Agents were dying at astronomical rates thanks to an up and coming enemy known as Dr Zor, and even their most professional of agents were dropping like flies. They needed hands, and fast. Even if they were simply canon-fodder placeholders while they learned this new foe's tendencies. Sure, they knew about combination locks, plastic explosives, how to unwire and rewire bombs, but this odd puzzle aspect was throwing them for a loop. They were desperate for someone, anyone to join their forces.

Desperate enough that when they got an application from a girl with no past, no place of residence, no paper trail, and nothing to be tracked, they simply counted their lucky stars that they finally found someone who wasn't gonna wake up to a poison powder in their air vents or a bomb in their mailbox.

Seraphina was put into training on an accelerated course that had her skip the position as cadet, and most positions frankly, and she quickly became the agent the EOD knows and loves today.

But, unfortunately, she has yet to get help for all of the trauma she underwent while growing up. Hell, she has yet to admit that there even was trauma there an that she wasn't just a deeply fucked up individual as a person and not as a result of her family.

She feels like she has to push through sickness, injury, exhaustion. She has to keep busting her ass and being her best, the best, or else she'll be discarded and left to fend for herself all over again. And the EOD has only exacerbated this issue with their revolving door of agents that they quickly replaced and nonchalant behavior to agent deaths.

Sure, it was because the others were failing missions in the "setting off a death trap to the face" way, but she could never chase the nagging feeling that if she, as an agent, didn't succeed every mission flawlessly with no evidence she was there and all of the intel, the day saved, what have you she'd be fired for failing. This has lead to extreme cases of self negligence and overworking often, but she hides it with a snarky, sassy attitude and a fake smile.

She's the best of the best and she has to stay that way... lest her family be proven right.

#cw mental abuse #cw emotional abuse #cw child neglect #cw alcoholism #cw drug use #cw eating disorder #cw car accident #cw mental health #cw inferiority complex #cw mental illness #i expect you to die #ieytd #ieytd fandom #agent phoenix #Phoenix backstory

[some-pers0n]

I really wish Demo was more involved in the main series. His biggest break was in the War! update and comics, where we get to see his personality shine more. We get a lot more with so many more characters.

Spy and Scout have a whole short dedicated to their relationship. Soldier is the main star in several comics. Medic, Sniper, Pyro, and Spy have arguably the most memorable and bombastic Meet the Team videos. Engie and Heavy are neglected as well, but they make up for it with their backstories. Spy and Pyro don't have a ton of info as well, but that's largely in part to their mysterious nature.

Demo doesn't...really have much. He's a one-eyed black Scott that is a crippling alcoholic. He likes swords, has connections to Merasmus through his haunted missing eye, has a blind mother, possibly converted several organs into distilleries, was abandoned at birth until his parents deemed him 'worthy' to rejoin the family...yeah.

A lot of the stuff with him isn't all that explored and feels more or less like a joke. It's a bit sad since he's one of the more interesting mercs to me. Even in fan content, Demo feels like an accessory and an add-on to a joke. Like those AI voice videos where he's the straight-man character who chews out the other mercs for being a furry or something.

And what makes it a bit less fun is how Demo never really does too much deeper than with his stereotype. All of the other mercs are more than just their superficial stereotype. Heavy isn't a dimwitted and evil communist, but rather a somewhat kind and incredibly intelligent man who opposes the U.S.S.R for what they've done to his family. They have layers to their jokes and are more than one-note stock characters.

Then you have Demo. The joke with him is that he's an alcoholic. That's pretty much it in terms of content for him.

I dunno. I wish Demo was more involved in the main comics. I think it's saying something that, while Miss Pauling and Spy are having a heart-to-heart about their eventual demise, Demo is curled up and mumbling about reinforcing his body to sustain more alcohol.

#Anyways so I headcanon Demo to have BPD and bipolar disorder as well as having autism #I like to use his alcoholism as a way to explore depressive themes and topics while still making him more than simply a drunkard #Demo is also fairly intelligent and knows quite a bit of chemistry but just doesn't have a means to bring it up much #He has a special interest in animals (particularly cryptids and supernatural ones) history and swords #Talk to him about any of those and he'll go on for hours #I've got so many ideas with this guy and I adore seeing what others do with him as well #I love Demoknight TF2 #tf2 #demoman tf2 #team fortress 2 #sp-rambles

[smashing-yng-man]

I've done it all - attended Alcoholics Anonymous twice a day, five days a week. Memorized the fourth edition of the "Big Book" from cover to cover. Admitted myself into two different rehabs, staying 60 days each time.

What has ultimately kept me sober from drinking is confiding in my therapist and taking a combination of Acamprosate and Naltrexone twice a day to curb alcohol cravings.

I drank heavily for nearly two decades, and frankly have the experience and genetic predisposition to confirm that addiction is not a choice.

But sobriety and self-care are.

#addiction #alcoholism #drinking #recovery #sobriety #rehab #mental health #mental illness #alcohol dependency #alcohol withdrawal #sober living #self care #naltrexone #vivitrol #camoral #acamprosate #alcoholics anonymous #alcohol use disorder #substance abuse #self medicating

[boozemusingsandboom]

Sober Curious? Here's an Invitation and a Recipe for You

Maybe you haven't hit rock bottom and you aren't sure if you want to stop drinking forever. Maybe you're the only one who knows that drinking, for you, is becoming more of a nightly need than a nightly want. Come join us for Arid August and try on a ...

Sober-curious has recently become a phrase that sparks debate. When I was drinking, and for the first couple of years that I was alcohol-free, I loved a good debate. I thrived on arguing the pros and cons of a situation. I was determined to fight for right and I got a powerful rush out of defending the truth … The truth … The only truth in the sober-curious debate that matters to me now is that…

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#alcohol-free #Addiction #alcohol-use-disorder #Arid August #art #Bansky #Break-the-status-Quo #Dry July #How I Stopped Drinking #poetry #Sober Curious #Sober Revolution #Sobriety #Stop drinking

[there-will-be-a-way]

Today's affirmation:

Someone who enables my consumption is not my friend.

#personal posts #psych ward blogging #alcohol addiction #substance use disorder #substance use disorder recovery #alcohol addiction recovery #made a big steppy steppy today #currently sitting at a lake in the middle of storm to cope with my feelings

[neuroticboyfriend]

this just in! substance use disorders don't exist only when someone uses substances. there are a bunch of other experiences that come with a substance use disorder. this includes cravings, withdrawal (physical and psychological), tolerance, dependency, obsessions with substance, anhedonia, needing to recover from use, and more! recovery isn't as simple as not using substances (especially since not everyone's recovery involves not using)! and, as with other conditions, it is still possible to lead a fulfilling life without full recovery <3

#this and other things i need to remind myself #softspoonie #substance use disorder #substance use #substance misuse #substance abuse #alcohol use disorder #addiction #addiction recovery #drug abuse #alcoholism #recovery #mental health #mental health awareness #mental health matters #addiction awareness #mentally ill #mental illness #mental disorder #actually mentally ill

[carrotzcake]

My therapist acknowledged my progress today. He didn’t just say that, or that he was proud of me. He gave specific examples and feedback that demonstrated that despite a dangerous drinking episode over the weekend, the way I’m responding to it shows a new level of insight. That means so much to me. I was so afraid of his reaction, I now realize. So many others respond so judgmentally, negatively in the wake of my problematic alcohol use, force me into AA or consider HLOC. We’re also supposed to start trauma therapy & EMDR and I was worried this would postpone his decision that I’m ready.

#personal #alcohol use disorder #binge drinking #mobile

[clatterbane]

One of the things that's actually funny is that I have been eating SO MUCH more sugar (and carbs in general) since I did finally get appropriate treatment, with the supplemental insulin I've needed since at least 2008.

It's extra fun when you already have an ED history, and get plunged into that "you're obviously slowly killing yourself with knife and fork, but what would anyone expect from a lazy fat American?" mentality. Coming not least from the people who are supposed to be helping. The ED brainweasels were certainly having a party for too long, and I probably did my system some extra damage with restriction and overexertion. Whatever I did, it was not going to fix my fucked-up pancreas--and things just kept getting worse as more and more beta cells gradually died off.

I still have to nope right away from too many legit triggering conversations even among people with known autoimmune diabetes. No damned wonder we have like a 30% rate of diagnosable EDs, even on the "I did nothing to cause this, HONEST" autoimmune side of things. (I don't even need to get started on the misplaced Type Wars hierarchical BS again. Pisses me off even worse, as someone who nearly got killed by ending up on the "wrong" side of some terrible assumptions for way too long.)

And that 30% is mostly among people who did not already have disordered eating behavior (or significant scrupulosity problems) going in. It's positively encouraged--again, not least among professionals who are supposed to be helping. While being one of the fastest ways to cause your body serious mischief, especially once you throw supplemental insulin into the mix. If I am never exposed to another word about intermittent fasting or obsessive focus on carb counting with a moralistic tone, it will be way too soon.

Thankfully I have yet to hear one single goddamned word that's not genuinely medically appropriate about my weight or presumed eating habits since I did have that spectacular collapse, and then got to be clinically underweight enough that they have been repeatedly commenting on that--between the mistreated diabetes itself and the resulting GI damage from that final ketoacidosis crash. Regaining some weight and actually feeling hungry again more often, as I keep recovering from that bullshit and am consistently physically able to eat solid food again, has been sort of doing my head in lately. Not least because I do not want to get treated like garbage again, as I do recover and get back to a healthier weight. I have seen how that works, and really do not need a repeat.

There's still too much that's kinda triggering on an ongoing basis, but at least I am quite deliberately telling myself that I can eat whatever the hell I want and mostly actually DOING it. I am now decently equipped with insulin and a CGM to watch my blood sugar levels, and the world is my smörgåsbord at least as much as it is anyone else's.

I may actually go and get some ice cream in a little while. Because I want it, and I do have the technology.

#personal #venting #diabetes #disordered eating #eating disorders #scapegoating #look out honey csuse i'm using technology #medical fuckery #scrupulosity #my immune system is trying to kill me #weight mention #unintentional weight loss #medical fatphobia #alcohol mention

[fuckingwhateverdude]

game of life

#anywayz #my writing #my writing tag #poetry #original poem #spilled ink #mental illness #bipolar disorder #alcohol abuse #substance abuse #on growing up #growing up #substance use