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Adventures in New America Episode 1 - The End Transcript

I'm so miffed there aren't any transcripts for this series, so I made it myself. Some words I couldn't catch so there might be some errors. Please let me know if there's any so I can edit and fix it.

Adventures in New America

Episode 1 - The End

[Intro song jingle]

Narrator : Hello, and welcome to Adventures in New America. Where each week we bring you new tales from the tragic American After.

This week, the first episode of Tetchy Terrorist Vampire Zombies will be coming to you in stereo right after these words from our sponsors.

[End intro jingle]

[Ad jingle, sounds of coins depositing into a jar]

Character 1 : Heya Jim, whatchu doing?

Character 2 : Oh, hey Tom. I’m just throwing away these pennies.

C1: Throwing away money?

C2: I mean what’s the point? Citizens are throwing away money every day when they don’t separate the pre-1982 pennies from the rest of their change.

C1: It’s that bad?

C2: Sure! With inflation the way it is, a 1982 penny is worth three times its face value, but people just keep using them at the stores. Maybe I should be like them and throw away my money.

C1: Stop! There’s a better alternative. Send your change to Clico Metal Retrieval.

C2: Clico Metal Retrieval?

C1: Clico Metal Retrieval. It just makes good sense.

For more information, call us at KL-56120 or write to Clico Care Of: P.O. Box 247, Old New York, New York, 10038.

[Ad’s end jingle]

[Organ’s opening song]

Narrator: If you grew weary of this life and were to leave your dwelling, you would’ve eventually find bumper to bumper traffic, and past all that traffic, past the buildings and the houses, and the farms, you would find a rocky shore, a budding and expansive waters so immense that even disappearing into the horizon, would take the better part of your day.

Beyond the shore, and the great water, there’s a new land. Whose early settlers christened New America in memory of a fabled Land of Plenty.

This land is as large as the great water is deep and as varied as the acidic snowflakes that pelt its mountain ranges. There are people living in deserts and in swamps, in backwater retreats and in cities built on faults that mark where massive tectonic plates meet.

Wind roams across the heartlands, shaping the landscapes, along its people.

It is an accident and a mystery.

Man 1: It’s no good. I’m moist.

Man 2: You’ve got too many layers.

Narrator: Over the coming twelve episodes, our program will focus on the denizens of a cluster of islands on New America’s eastern coast, where a large amount of this nation’s wealth and poverty are concentrated.

These islands are turtles made of stone and on their weary backs rest the hopes and nightmares of a population ravaged by fear.

Man 1: I know I got too many layers. I take it off and what do I do with it huh?

Man 2: Shut up. Can’t we just repaste these posters?

Narrator: Fear has gone hand in hand with New America ever since its final invaders first took a stroll through its virgin forests.

But today, the people are scared of a new peril. Monsters in human form that stalked the night looking for their next meal. A myth for some, and a menace for others.

By day, the city is yours, at night, these streets are owned by the Terrorist Tetchy Vampire Zombies from outer space.

[Woman singing]

Woman: [Singing] As far as I can see, see, they all see me and I’m gone gone gone. See ya fellas.

[Microphone feedbacks]

Woman: Alright, see y’all later.

[The woman laughing and walking and then singing]

Woman: Ooh, a cold one tonight.

[Sound of the men pasting posters]

Man 2: Maybe you can take off your jacket.

Man 1 : I’m taking off my jacket. I’m taking off my jacket. (Said annoyingly)

Man 2: Quiet! You hear that?

Man 3: That’s just the sound of wheat pacing.

Man 2: No, listen.

[Woman singing]

Man 2: A fire in the night. Let’s fly.

Man 1 : Come on, not too fast, I have a fungus on my toes and I can’t cut them. It’s terrible.

[Sound of wings flapping]

[The woman suddenly stopped mid-singing]

Man 2: No, don’t stop. Let that cute little soul of yours rise.

Woman: Excuse me? Man? Sir?

Man 1 : How is it that you people have such big black souls, twice as filling as a white soul, yet look at you, society’s trash.

Woman: Trash?

Man 1: I can already taste the indigestion.

When we eat you, we’ll do the world a favor.

Woman: Eat me? No, no, wait a minute. You sound tetchy.

Man 2: You’ve heard of us then?

Man 1 : Did you hear good things?

Man 3: They always got it wrong.

Woman: Yeah, my momma warned me about you. My poppa did too. See, you never bathed in the light. You’ll never be free. Sugar-free sweet Moses, I can’t let you monsters prey upon good people. I gotta warn them. Tell them you’re real. You boy, stay away from me.

[Sound of bones crunching, the woman groans in pain]

Woman: What’re doing? Get off me. Let me go.

Man 2: Eat the extremities first so that she can live longer. So she could watch.

[The woman is struggling against them, sound of munching]

Men :

-Keep singing.

-Hey, give me back my share of the thigh bone.

[The woman groans and shouts in pain till her last breath]

Narrator : She screams her last softly. A New American dies.

[Sound of a rooster crowing]

Narrator : By day, the horrors of the dark are replaced, swept away by the more ordinary nightmares of our day to day lives. On a different island, the next morning, Ian Alseed (?) Olivier stands astride the busy sidewalk, dressed in his ill-fitting beige guayabera shirt, cargo shorts combo like a party barge that has run out of beer. Tall, but out of shape, overweight, defeated, old beyond his years. He steals a dragon fruit from a sidewalk produce vendor, and tries for the fifth time this week to get arrested.

Vendor : You like that dragon fruit? 3 dollars.

I.A. : I don’t think so. I’m a thief and I’m stealing this dragon fruit and you should call the police.

Vendor: [Laughs] What are you talking about?

I.A. : I’m stealing from you. Look, I’m walking away. Call the police.

Vendor: You paying? You put it back.

I.A. : I told you, I won’t pay. I’m a criminal. I’m a black man.

Vendor: Oh. I see. Are you hungry? Look, just take some fruit, hun.

I.A. : No, no, see, I’m not hungry, I'm a thief. I’m gonna smash all these fruits with my feet. I’m gonna steal your apples, I’m gonna steal your durians if you don’t call the police.

Vendor: Come here honey. That’s right. [The vendor hugs I.A.] Oh, that’s alright, I’m just hugging you, baby.

I.A.: Let go of me. No, I don’t want a hug. I’m a thief. I’m a thief.

Vendor: That's right. 1,2,3. Good boy. That’s right. That’s right.

[Scene changes. I.A. on a stage, talking to the audience]

I.A. : Lights. Hey, what’s up? It’s your boy, I.A. Olivier, and I’m embarrassed to say that was me not too long ago. Couldn’t get arrested to save my life, literally. I can say it now, I was lost. Lost, until the day I met Simon Carr. I can see some of you already know Simon, but if you didn’t clap when I said her name, don’t worry about it. As we all know, ‘clapping is not mandatory’. [Audience repeats this slogan] That’s right, oh yeah.

Now, I want to tell you how I came to Simon.

Back then, I would’ve said my life is a mess, without even realizing that I wasn't truly alive. Crazy, right? I was still trying to get arrested and I thought, I thought this one would work. I wore a sandwich board that said ‘Marijuana & Narcotics 4 Sale Here’ with the numeral 4 as opposed to the word. Carried a bullhorn, went down to the court at Nassau and Liberty street and well, let me just show you.

Lights.

[I.A. on a bullhorn]

Attention society, I am selling illegal marijuana for a fairly decent price and an assortment of other narcotics available for your immediate illicit consumption. Ask me how to take advantage of this splendid offer.

Policeman: Sir, could you take off the sign?

I.A. : Hello, officer. Yes, yes I will. [I.A. turns off his bullhorn]

Policeman: Could you empty your pockets?

I.A. : Yes.

Policeman: Keys and a phone? You don’t have any narcotics do you, sir?

I.A. : No. I am prepared to be arrested. Take me away.

Policeman: Arrested?

[The cop takes away I.A.’s bullhorn and smashes it]

I.A. : Hey, my bullhorn.

Policeman: So you can tell them this dumb shit is some kind of art about Wall Street or whatever? Waste my time again and they won’t find you.

I.A.: I’m sorry.

Policeman: You understand me, professor? They won't find you.

I.A.: I understand.

Policeman: Excellent, have a nice day.

I.A.: Oh, what am I gonna do? If I don’t get arrested soon. I’m gonna die.

[Wheels screeching]

Simon: Move, move, move, move. Watch out!

[I.A. screams]

Man: Damn, they ran right into each other.

Cop?: Stay right there, buddy.

Simon: I’m not resisting.

Old man: That’s him, that stole the console. That little shit. Stole it from my store.

Cop: There are two little shits here, sir. Can you be more specific?

Old man: The fat one did nothing. It was the black girl.

Simon: Hey, nah, nah, nah, nah.

I.A.: I stole it! I stole this... this Playstation. Arrest me.

Cop: You telling me how to do my job?

I.A. : No, I just… See, I was the lookout. And my friend and I-

Simon : I do not know this person.

Old man: He’s lying. The black girl stole it. This fat fuck was just standing there.

Cop: Fat? You think he’s fat?

I.A. : I am a little husky.

Cop: Husky. I would say husky.

Old man: It doesn’t matter how fat he is. Arrest him!

Cop : Hey, you already got one down with that fat remark, keep telling me what to do and I’m gonna arrest you. Got that?

Old man: Always the same. Give them a pat in the back and a participation trophy. Fucking millennials.

Cop: Millennial? I’m Italian you racist fuck!

Old man: What I need to give you for you to do your job, man? Money?

Cop: That’s it. We’re going back to your store to have a discussion about manners.

I.A. : He’s under arrest? But I-

Simon: Officer, sir, can my friend and I go? Do you need us?

[Old man arguing with the cop, resisting]

Cop: No, I got all I need.

Simon: Come on friend, let’s be other wheres.

I.A. : Other wheres? Leave me alone.

Simon : The sun isn’t good for your skin.

Cop: Oh hey, kid.

I.A. : Yeah?

Cop: You're not fat. Alright? You’re fine just the way you are.

I.A.: [To Simon] Hey, let go.

Simon: Use your feet, fool. Bye.

[End scene instrument plays]

Narrator: We’ll be back with more Adventures in New America on the Night Vale Presents Network after these words from our sponsors.

[Ads jingle, coins dropping in a jar]

Father: Well hello there Billy, whatcha doing?

Son: I’m counting all my coins, dad. I want to take Suzy to the VidFlex this Friday.

Father: How much do you think you have?

Son: Oh, about 20 dollars.

Father: Are you sure? Did you check the dates on those coins?

Son: Dates? Why, no, pop. What do you mean?

Father: Look at this cent piece. It’s from before 1982. That’s when they change the metal composition of coins.

Son: And?

Father: And? Why, the metal in this cent piece is worth three times the face value.

Son: Gee, how do I cash it in? Should I melt it?

Father: [Laughs heartily] Oh, no, son, it is a federal offense to melt coins that are still usable as a currency.

Son: Looks like I’m back to 20 dollars.

Father: Not at all. Send your coins to Clico Metal Retrieval and they’ll pay you dollars on the pound for your old currency.

Son: Clico Metal Retrieval?

Father: Clico Metal Retrieval. It just makes good... ‘cents’.

For more information call us at KL56120 or write to Clico Care Of P.O. Box 247 Old New York, New York 10038.

[End of ads jingle]

[Ads jingle]

Mr. Deeds: Hello, are you hungry for something good? Come to the Ambrosia Diner in Red Hook. Want a burger? We have burgers. Grilled cheese, chicken salad, bagels, we have it all. And, while you’re here, why not buy some raffle tickets? They're only a dollar each. And the prizes are out of this world. 200 Coffey Street in Brooklyn by the east river. Can’t make it to the diner? Buy your tickets online on our website ambrosiadiner.net. We can’t send you a slice of

Miss Trixie’s birthday cake online but you can’t have it all. Or can you?

At the Ambrosia Diner.

[Ads end]

Ad notifier: The following is a paid for advertisement from the Church of Children of the Apocalypse.

Man: Are you afraid to walk the streets at night? Do you know someone who has gone missing?

We all do. The police blame recent events on gang violence but more of us are waking up to the truth. Terrorist tetchy vampire zombies. People have witnessed them feeding. There’s evidence at crime scenes. The vampire zombies are real, and the police refused to do anything about it. How long must our children suffer, locked inside our houses? Losing their moms and dads. When will our spineless mayor take action?

These fiends don’t just rob and kill, they destroy the very soul of our city. They drain its life, blood, they eat its brain, they carve and kill and despoil and destroy and what’s worse? They do it with a complete lack of sartorial style.

If you care about the future, join us, The Children of the Apocalypse. Services daily at 106 7th Avenue and remember…

[Ads end]

Narrator: Hello, and welcome to act 2 of tonight’s episode of Adventures in New America.

I.A. and Simon Carr have just met and escaped the law together for the first time.

I.A, wants to go home. But Simon Carr has convinced him to tarry in a Poke Bowl restaurant.

[Simon laughing]

Simon: Okay, I don’t know how you did it. But all I know is I am not under arrest. So, cheers. You saved my life back there.

I.A.: That’s not my fault. I was trying to get arrested.

Simon: How, how's that?

I.A. : I’ve tried everything. I’ve stolen, I’ve rode a motorized bike on the subway. And when I do get caught, nothing comes to it.

Simon: That’s why lunch is on me. I’m hanging with you for the rest of my life. You my good luck charm. The only black man in America who can’t get arrested.

My name is Simon. Simon Carr. Your friendly nebro-hood sociable sociopath. Shake on it, whitey.

I.A. : Whitey? [Coughs] What’re you talking about? I’m not white, I’m black. I mean I’m half white on my father’s side. Creole.

Simon : But in this world, you are whatever color the cops think you are. But cops see you as nothing. Hell, seems everybody sees you as nothing.

I.A. : Excuse me?

Simon: It’s not about race, though. It’s your face. You’re so unremarkable and nondescript. Your presence so anodyne. Your spirit so-

I.A. : Uh, drab?

Simon: Yes, drab. Good word.

Now, I can peep you in size, I know you contain multitudes, but

surface, let’s face it, if you’re a shower, we can nay-nay all day and you ain’t never get wet.

I.A. : Whatever, look, I’m not into meeting new people right now, alright?

Simon: Simmer down. Here comes the waiter.

Waiter: Hello, what can I get you?

I.A. : You, you have burgers?

Waiter: We have poke bowls.

I.A. : What’s a poke bowl?

Waiter: Uh, it’s kind of like sushi but with kale and hotdogs and shit.

I.A. : Yikes.

Simon: We’ll have two poke bowls.

Waiter: What kind?

Simon: Whatever the main one is. The Mario.

Waiter: Great.

I.A. : The Mario?

[The waiter leaves]

Simon: The Italian stereotype from the video games. Big moustache.

I.A.: Yeah.

Simon: The Mario is the first option, the most regular. It’s not Wario, way out there with pineapples and spam. It’s Mario. Straight up the most normal.

I.A.: I hate sushi.

Simon: Okay, let’s try something else. How about, what’s your name?

I.A.: Uh..I.A.

Simon: I.A.? Like initials? What’s that stand for?

I.A. : Just call me I.A..

Simon: I’m gonna call you L.C. (?)

I.A.: [Sighs]

Simon: What’s wrong with you?

I.A.: Nothing. So, you steal things often?

Simon: All the time. That’s my job. I’m a sneakthief. It’s a gas.

I.A.: Well, not for me.

Simon: But you keep stealing anyway.

I.A.: And etcetera.

Simon: To get arrested. Why?

I.A.: [Sighs]

Simon: I gotta go to the room where people go to throw up. While I’m gone, why don’t you sit there and think of what superhero origin story you gonna tell me.

And then we’ll eat our Marios.

Don't leave.

[I.A. listening to the other customers conversation]

Customer 1: I don’t feel like going.

Customer 2: You never feel like going anywhere. What is it? Are you afraid to spend time with me in public?

Customer 1: We’re in public now.

Customer 2: You know what I mean.

Customer 1: This is my only day off. I just want to relax and maybe play video games.

Customer 2: There you go. You'd rather spend time with that Playstation than with me.

Customer 1: It’s an Xbox! You see why I get uncomfortable? You don't know anything about me. I'm just some placeholder husband you could project a life onto.

Simon: Hello?

I.A.: Oh, sorry, sorry. I was eavesdropping on that couple over there.

Simon: Wow, you’re always in the audience.

I.A.: Ugh, what are you talking about?

Simon: You got any friends? You single? Never married? When you meet someone new, do you start making your breakup playlist?

I.A.: Please, stop.

Simon: Cheer up! No escape from me. Tell me what this is all about.

I.A.: Okay. [Clears his throat] I got fired.

[Scene change music]

[In an office]

I.A.: Mr. Chambers, did you move my desk?

Mr. Chambers: I.A. Please, come in.

[Door closes]

As you know, all employees must now belong to our new Focus First Health Care Plan.

I.A.: I opted in for that plan.

Mr. Chambers: Quiet right. They called and you have been deemed ineligible for health care coverage due to a preexisting condition.

I.A.: What preexisting condition? I’m totally fit. I am a little pudgy.

Mr. Chambers: It’s not really my place to discuss your health deficits with you. What your doctor tells me is privileged information. It’s his job to tell you about your cancer. It’s mine to say; since we cannot provide you with health care insurance, we also can no longer employ you. You’re fired.

I.A.: I’m losing my job? I don’t understand. Did you say cancer?

Mr. Chambers: You really should talk to the doctor. Thanks for all your work here. You enjoy the time you have left.

[At the doctor’s office]

I.A.: But doctor, I feel fine. Tired maybe but uh-

Doctor: Yeah, that’s the cancer eating you slow. Fortunately it is a relatively easy tumor to remove if we act fast. It’s not so much a challenging tumor, as expensive. Your insurance will take care of it.

I.A.: I had insurance through my job, which I lost because your screening revealed my tumor.

Doctor: Oh, that’s no problem. We take cash. Should be about 300,000.

I.A.: Dollars? I thought this was a free clinic.

Doctor: Okay. We should operate soon though. You have about six months.

I.A.: I have…[looking through his wallet] 85 dollars.

Doctor: Oh no, I don’t handle the money. I’m the doctor. That would be weird.

I.A.: What happens if I don’t have 300,000 dollars?

Doctor: I would have a stiff drink and figure out how to get it.

[End of doctor’s office scene]

[I.A. sighs]

I.A.: Excuse me, is this a bar?

Bartender: No, it’s the subway platform for the 23. All aboard.

Man: Sherl, turn up the tv.

I.A.: Scotch and water, Neat. No ice.

Bartender: Neat means no ice.

I.A.: I really don’t want ice.

Man: Sherl.

Bartender: I’m coming.

Man: Sherl.

Bartender: I’m coming!

Man: You see this motherfucker on his way to Club Med? And when I die, what, where’s my kid going?

Man 2: You can’t think like that, Charlie.

News reporter: Johnsson was convicted in May of defrauding investors to the tune of 3.7 billion dollars.

Man 1: This prick. He’s gonna get full cable, free gym access and better healthcare for free than what I pay for.

Man 2 : Come on, Charlie, it can’t be that sweet.

Man 1: You know that Polish kid, Carl’s his name. He got two years for beating up his girlfriend’s old man. So, he’s eating one day in the mess and all of the sudden, he’s wigging out, shaking, can’t control his body, collapses on the floor. Turns out he’s got a brain tumor.

Man 2 : I hope he’s okay.

Man 1: He IS okay. Son of a bitch took it out. Free surgery paid for in full by Johnny Taxpayer. Fucker didn't even have any debt. Spends more money at the OTB than I do on rent.

Brain tumor cured, just like that. For free.

Bartender: 10.50, sugar.

[Echoing words: Brain tumor cured, just like that. For free. 10.50, sugar. Tumor cured. For free. For FREE.]

[End scene jingle, then back at the diner]

I.A.: So now, I'm trying to get arrested.

Simon: For free healthcare?

I.A.: Yeah. [While chewing] This poke thing is not that bad.

Simon: That is quite possibly the worst idea I've ever heard ever. How are you gonna get a big enough jail sentence for a long term care pretending you stole a Playstation?

Besides, you will be in prison where you will be a punching bag for some incarcerated monster, fucking your ass and-

I.A.: Please.

Simon: Sucking your titties.

I.A.: Please!

Simon: Look, I’m in a dire straits. Jail is the only place in New America with mandatory healthcare.

Simon: Not all the time, dammit. You gotta advocate for your rights inside. You expect a major jail sentence as a pretend petty thief? Wanna get REAL arrested? Why not get a gun and bankrob a bank?

I.A.: Because I'm against violence. I couldn't, I wouldn’t want to injure someone or cause terror. Maybe I can burn a flag.

Simon: [Gasp] You better not!

I.A.: Why? It’s just some piece of fabric.

Simon: Piece of fabric? How many forefathers and foremommas died, laboring for that piece of fabric? You’re a terrorist. No. Worst, a pacifist. I.A., do you hate New America?

I.A.: No, I do not.

Simon: Say I love New America!

New America.

I.A.: Sit down. Quite.

Simon: Love it or loathe it, you can never lose it or leave it. Embrace what makes New America great, man.

I.A.: Oh, my god. SIt down. You’re embarrassing me.

Simon: You should be embarrassed. Exploit your freedom, homie. You sittin’ on your ass is like watching Superman not fly. A gift gone wasted. How do you do that, bro? Is it a half-white thing?

I.A.: I wasn’t good at getting arrested. Maybe there’s things some people just can’t do.

Simon: That’s true. I know a dude totally incapable of getting laid. You could stick a splint on his dick, put a write-in (?) and a girl would evaporate as such, so long as it didn’t happen.

I.A.: I, I can get laid.

Simon: But you can’t get arrested.Like a biological immunity. Look at it from the other side. Why stay in your lane? Use your gift.

I.A.: Not being able to get arrested is not the same thing as being good at crime.

Simon: Cards on the table. You saved mine. I save yours. I will raise your 300 grand. All you have to do is follow my lead.

I.A.: Fuck you. You can’t do that.

Simon: No. But together we can. You’re the invincible black man to the cops. That’s the most important position on the team right now. And me? Anything I put my mind to, I can achieve. I just never had a reason to go big before. You’re my reason, I.A..

I.A.: Once again, fuck you.

Simon: That’s no way to say goodbye.

I.A.: I have serious problems, I don’t need this.

Simon: I’m not joking. I’ve got a good feeling about us.

I.A.: Us? Look, I appreciate the offer, but I got a plan. I’ll stick to it.

Simon: Your plan is dumb.

I.A.: But, it’s mine.

Simon: You’ll come around. Let me see your keys.

I.A.: My keys? Why?

[Gunshot]

I.A.: Woah, what the-

Serena: You won’t listen to me? Listen to my big noise. This is a stickup!

Simon: Oh, her.

I.A.: Wait, you know her?

Simon: That’s Serena.

[End jingle]

Narrator: Friends, we’ve reached the end of this week’s Adventure in New America. Will I.A. find a cure for his cancer? Will Simon succeed in exploiting I.A.? And who is Serena?

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