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#actually it’s not even ten pm I’m just sad
tomkaulitzssgirl · 7 months
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could u pls do enemies to lovers w tom that leads to sex? btw i adore ur writing its sooo good !!
I Was Scared | Tom Kaulitz
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a normal saturday night. you were getting ready to go to your friend crystal’s house. you decided to wear a white t-shirt and a jeans skirt.
there would also been other people of your group of friends, even though not everyone. you guys were around ten people, which was a lot sometimes.
you couldn’t really always agree to do something because of all the different opinions, but somehow you made it work.
tonight besides you and crystal, your other friends, bill, gustav, georg and unfortunately for you, bill’s twin brother tom would come.
unfortunately because you and tom didn’t really have a good relationship and it was all his fault. at first when you guys met, he didn’t really acknowledge you, he talked to everyone but you.
after sometime, he started picking on you, making fun of little things and always being mean to you.
you didn’t know why, you always had been gentle and nice, even when he was a dick, because you couldn’t really be rude to people.
but you had your moments where you lost it and talked back to him. he knew you didn’t like him at all.
just the thought of being in the same room as him made you roll your eyes.
he was so different from bill, he was the sweetest person ever and you guys actually had a really good bond. tom made fun of you when he heard you guys talk about things you had in common and luckily bill knew how to clap back.
bill had noticed how tom was acting towards you, he even tried to talk about it to him but tom ignored him.
sometimes you wished you could’ve been friends since you were always together, but the boy seemed to hate you.
around nine pm, you took your car keys and drove over your friends’s house. she welcomed you with an hug before making you come in.
the others were already there, all sitting down on the couch.
“we were waiting for you to start the movie.” georg sang out with a big smile. you chuckled giving him a kiss on the cheek.
“sorry for being late, the traffic is horrible.” you noticed that the only seat available was the one next to tom and you slapped yourself mentally.
you awkwardly sat down, noticing he was taking a lot of space since his leges were spread open and he was slouched down. you were between him and the couch’s end.
he didn’t even look at you, nor did he say hi. he was simply listening to the others making conversations.
you preferred it that way, it was better if he stayed quiet.
“so, what are we gonna watch?” crystal asked as she turned on the tv, going on netflix.
“oh oh, there is a new movie out! it’s called to all boys i’ve loved before, we should totally watc-“ you were about to finish your sentence but a scoff coming from tom cut you off.
“what?” you turned to him, your smile disappearing.
“what kind of shit movie is that?” he rhetorically asked, looking at you. you realised how close you were in that moment.
“you never watched it, how can you know if it’s bad?” you squinted your eyes at him, shaking your head.
“it’s recommended by you so i guess it’s pretty shitty.” tom shrugged as if he had just stated a fact.
“tom. stop.” bill called him out, glaring at him from the other couch.
“mind your business.” tom said before sighing and getting up, “i’m gonna take a beer.”
he walked to the kitchen nonchalantly and you followed him with your eyes. you felt anger but also sadness inside. why did he have to be so cruel to you?
the others decided to put it on anyway, maybe even to make you a little bit happier after what tom had said. they could see it had made you upset.
you fidgeted with your bracelet as you watched the tv, without really paying attention to the movie.
tom came back some minutes later with a bowl of popcorn and a beer. he put the bowl at the center of the coffee table infront of us before grabbing a bunch and stuffing his mouth.
you tried to ignore the smacking sound but it was too much. he kept chewing those popcorns almost with his mouth open.
“could you stop chewing so loud?” you said almost in a whisper since you didn’t want to disturb the others.
“could you stop being a pain in the ass?” he spat back without even turning to look at you, putting more popcorns in his mouth.
you exhaled heavily, making him chuckle. he enjoyed this, he enjoyed making you feel down.
deciding to ignore him, you went back to watch the movie that you so wanted to see, before a loud obnoxious burp interrupted the silence in the room.
everyone turned around to look at tom.
“ew, you’re disgusting.” you commented making a nauseous face.
“yeah, you’re a pig tom.” georg agreed shaking his head.
“oh fuck off.” he rolled his eyes continuing to drink his beer, “can we fucking change this movie? it’s boring.”
“it’s boring because you aren’t paying attention to it.” you didn’t know why you kept engaging with him, he was too focused on being right than accepting what you said.
“no, it’s boring because it’s a stupid ass movie that only losers like you like.” this time it was enough.
“why are you always so mean to me?” you finally spat out, your whole body turned to his side, “i’ve never done anything to you except being a good person even when you treated me like shit! you didn’t give me a chance since day one, tom. i’m sick of your bullshit. next time don’t call me to hang out it’s he’s here too.” you concluded talking to everyone before getting up and running to the bathroom upstairs.
you shocked everyone since you had never had an outburst like that. you never got angry.
“tom, you’re a fucking jerk.” bill shook his head, letting out an heavy sight.
“yeah, why do you always treat her that way?” crystal asked stopping the movie.
tom stayed quiet, observing the aim of his hoodie that had become interesting in that moment.
“yeah, it’s not like she has ever done something to you so why do you act-“
“it’s because i like her, okay?!” tom finally blurted out almost yelling.
a general “what?” echoed in the living room. they were shocked, tom wasn’t someone that admitted his feelings for someone or that actually liked someone seriously. he only wanted physics stuff.
“yeah i said it. i like her almost since the day i met her but i don’t want to like her.” he explained almost embarrassed.
“so you treat her like shit for keeping her away from you?” georg asked wrinkling his eyebrows, “what kind of fucking cliché is it?”
“i know. it’s stupid but if i keep her distant, this feelings will go away. everything will go back to normal.” tom said, lighting up a cigarette.
“tom, you should go talk to her. tell her the truth. you’d rather lose her than be in a relationship? don’t be ridiculous.” bill always tried to make his brother think, especially in this type of situations. he was the romantic and lover one, never had just one night stands like his brother.
tom’s irritation flared but he got up from the couch, knowing bill was right. he wouldn’t admit that to him though.
he walked upstairs, where the bathroom was, as he kept smoking his cigarette. knocking on the door, only silence could be heard.
“y/n?”
“go away.” you immediately answered as soon as you heard his voice.
“let me come in.” he leaned with his shoulder against the wall and looked at the floor.
“are you dumb? go away.” tom could hear your broken voice and that made his body fill with guilt.
“i need to talk to you, it’s important.”
you didn’t answer, but after a couple of seconds the door opened. tom entered slowly and you closed the door behind you.
you stared at tom with your arms folded against your chest, an eyebrow raised. “so? and also, you know i hate smoke.”
tom noticed your puffy and red eyes.
“were you crying?” he asked throwing the cigarette away down the wc.
“no, my eyes happen to be swollen.” you answered sarcastically before sitting down on the floor.
tom played with his lip piercing, unsure of what to do next, deciding to sit down next to you.
“what do you want tom? if you’re here to bother me some more just go-“
“i’m not. i’m here to say sorry.” his words ran from his mouth and he almost felt ashamed, he had never say sorry, not directly at least.
“i’m sorry, because i was selfish. i didn’t think of how everything would make you feel, i just thought about protecting myself.” he looked at you with truthful eyes.
“from what?” you tilted your head to the side as you grew confused.
tom let out a shaky breath. now or never.
“from loving you.”
a moment of silence filled the bathroom, as you looked at him, finding that unbelievable. how could he love you and treat you like that at the same time?
“w-what…how? what?” you didn’t even know what to say. your mind was full of questions that wouldn’t come out.
“you heard me. i love you, i was treating you like shit so it would go away but it fucking didn’t and it just made you hate me. sorry.” there it was. his full explanation. he had said it and couldn’t go back in time.
“is this another prank of yours? because if it is it, isn’t funny tom.”
he didn’t say anything, he just placed his hand on your cheek and crashed his lips against yours. your eyes widened.
tom asked for entrance with his tongue and slowly you let him in, wrapping your arms around his neck.
when you broke away, you kept sharing small pecks as your eyes met, a small smile on both of your lips.
you both didn’t know what to say next, it was like the kiss you shared had said it all.
“you’re such a dick.” you commented with a small laugh, shaking your head as you looked down. your bodies were now closer than ever, his hands on your hips.
he smirked knowing what that meant, it was done, you were finally his. his lips went to your neck, leaving small wet pecks on your skin.
you were covered in goosebumps, giving him more access to kiss you. “t-tom…”
he shushed you, getting you to lay down on the floor as he got on top of you, “i wanna make you feel good. can i? do you want to?”
you waited before nodding, deciding that you wanted to live that moment fully.
“t-tom but i-i never…” you were shy to say that you had never had sex before. he was about to be your first.
he seemed to understand what you wanted to say without you even saying it, and he nodded gently touching your skin under your shirt. “it’s okay, i’ll be gentle.”
he removed your shirt, leaving you in your black bra. he stared at your covered beasts, leaning down to kiss your chest.
his hands traveled to the strips of your bra, gently sliding them down. you knew where he was getting at so you leaned up a bit, making it easy for him to remove it completely.
your back touched the cold floor and your arms tried to cover yourself, but he blocked you, placing your arms above your head. “you’re beautiful, don’t be embarrassed.”
his sweet words encouraged you to feel more confident, finding the strength to kiss him hungrily.
tom hummed into the kiss, one hand keeping him up for balance as the other fidgeted with his belt. you decided to help him remove it, before he took off his pants and shirt completely.
you stared at his body almost drooling. he was so hot, almost like he was created by greek gods, with his defined muscles and abs.
tom smirked noticing you staring at him while gulping down, before sliding down your skirt and throwing it somewhere.
you wrapped your legs around his waist as he lowered his boxers, revealing his hard member. you couldn’t believe your eyes.
“will that fit in?” you couldn’t comprehend how something that big could go in you.
tom laughed, “yes, cause you’ll take it like a good girl, right?”
you bit down your lip, nodding at his words, his hand coking closer to your core. he began rubbing your clit, making you gasp. you never felt something like this before.
“does that feel good?” tom asked in your ear, his hot breath on your neck.
“y-yes, o-oh my god.” you stuttered as you moaned, his hands working magic on you. suddenly, he inserted a finger in your entrance.
“slow!” you almost screamed as you felt like it feared you apart.
“sorry baby. fuck, you’re so wet.” he kissed your neck, going slower. as you get used to the feeling, he began going in and out of you, making your eyes roll to the back of your head.
“t-tom, i want you. please…” you begged arching your back. he stroked himself, nodding frantically.
“you asked so nicely baby, you’re such a good girl for me huh?” he slowly came closer to your entrance with his tip.
“y-yes, just for you…” your mouth formed like a ‘o’ shape as he teased you, going up and down with his member.
“ready?” he asked looking deeply into your eyes.
you nodded needing him more than ever. you never craved someone’s body this way.
tom went gently in you, groaning as he felt you around him. “shit, you’re tight. it feels so good.”
you squeezed your eyes shut at the pain, feeling it ten times worse than you did with his finger.
he was still, his hands at the sides of your head, looking down at your expressions that turned him on even more. “tell me when i can move.”
your arms found their way around his neck, “y-you can now.”
tom nodded, starting to go slowly in and out of your feminine part. your whimpers, shy moans drove him crazy, he just wanted to fuck you into oblivion but he knew he had to wait for that.
his gaze burned on your skin, examining your unholy expressions.
“g-go faster, please!” you moaned loudly, your hands gripped his dreads.
his pace quickened, finding easily your sweet spot, making you a mess beneath him. you were heaving repeatedly, mumbling disconnected words, his name a mantra.
“you feel so fucking good baby, you like it huh? you’re so lucky. oh shit.” he kept sending you over the edge with his dirty talk, throwing his head back.
“kiss me.” you breathed out, his hands gripping your thighs. he didn’t waste no time, kissing you sloppily.
you kept moaning against his lips, his thrusting becoming harder. the sounds of your skin clapping, your whimpers and his groans were the only thing that could be heard.
“shit i’m about to cum. are you close, baby girl?” tom said placing his forehead against yours.
you felt an unusual heat on your lower stomach and you furrowed your eyebrows. “y-yeah but…”
“no, let go baby. you need to let it go.” he shook his head knowing what we’re you about to say. maybe it was because was your first time but you kept holding back.
tom noticed it so he took the matter into his hands, pressing one of them on your lower body.
your eyes widened as your orgasm took over, sending shivers down your spine. tom followed right after you, finishing with a grunt.
he fell on top of you, breathless. your legs trembled as you were still riding your climax.
he looked up at you before raising his head and kissing your lips. “you did so good.”
a smile formed on your face, blushing hard at his words. you couldn’t believe you had sex with tom, someone you thought hated you.
“y/n, wanna be my girl?”
it took a lot of courage for him to ask you that.
“of course i do.” you cupped his cheeks, pecking him on his lips.
neither of you could stop smiling, totally drunk in love.
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mercurygguk · 2 years
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heart to heart | jjk
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➵ summary; jungkook has to cancel his date with you as an urgent matter rises – according to his ex-wife at least.
pairing; jungkook x f. reader
rating; PG-13
word count; 1,893
content; jk being a very good dad to jihoon :(
warnings; lowkey angsty(?)
a/n; this drabble is to show y’all what the urgent matter was in the previous drabble and to show that jungkook actually does talk to his ex-wife about his new girlfriend :) enjoy!
DISCLAIMER; !! OC IS NOT IN THIS DRABBLE AS THIS HAPPENS BEFORE/AT THE SAME TIME AS THE ‘QUESTIONS AND DOUBT’ DRABBLE !!
↳ ‘the dilf installments’ masterlist · the ‘tdi’ tag
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“I’m so sorry.”
Guilt and frustration are two things Jungkook hates feeling and it’s exactly what he feels the most right now as he repeats the word ‘sorry’ over and over again. The soft and slightly defeated sigh on the other end of the phone making it even worse.
“I know we had plans but Minji said it’s urgent and I-“
“It’s fine,” you cut him off, your voice slightly strangled in a weak attempt to hide your disappointment.
Jungkook’s ex-wife had called about ten minutes ago, asking him to come over as soon as possible. She hadn’t elaborated but she sounded worried and all the worst things possible came to Jungkook’s mind – stuff like Jihoon sad, Jihoon hurt, Jihoon sad and hurt. Every possible scenario had ran through his head as he grabbed his essential things like phone, keys, and wallet before heading out of the door. While in the car to Minji’s place, he had managed to call you to cancel your plans about dinner date tonight.
It’s Jungkook’s weekend without Jihoon so he had seen it fit to take you out for dinner and then spend the rest of the weekend in bed, basking in each other’s presence before Monday and responsibilities would roll around again. It happened so rarely that he’d have you all to himself for a whole weekend – he can’t even remember the last time. But now even more time will pass before he gets to spend a whole weekend doing nothing but eating and sleeping and fucking.
“I’m really sorry, baby,” Jungkook apologizes one more time despite knowing his words won’t do much to soothe the disappointment you’re probably feeling right now. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
“Don’t worry about it, Kook. Rain check?”
On the other end, you sound like you’re forcing a smile but you can’t do much to hide how disappointed you’re feeling. Jungkook sighs heavily, hating that he’s the one ruining your plans for the weekend.
“Yeah, that’d be great,” he softly says, the guilty tone of his voice giving him away.
Minji’s house comes into view as he reaches the outskirts of the city. Once he’s parked in the driveway, he stays seated after turning off the ignition. His phone stays pressed to his ear, a frown on his face as he spots Minji and Jihoon through the windows. Minji is carrying a pajamas-dressed Jihoon in her arms, running a soothing hand up and down his back in order to calm him down. An action both she and Jungkook have been using ever since he was a baby.
“I’ll call you later, okay?” Jungkook softly says into the phone, eyes locked on Jihoon. “I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
“Kook, it’s fine. Just call me when you’re back home.”
The softness of your voice calms him yet tugs at his heartstrings because he knows you’re disappointed. But he also knows you’d never say that – especially not when the reason for canceling is Jihoon.
Another heavy sigh leaves him as he gets out of his car and heads inside of Minji’s house, kicking off his shoes and pulling off his jacket. He leaves it in the entrance hall before stepping further into the living room. Minji looks relieved as soon as she sees him, eyes filled with concern and a frown on her face.
“What’s going on?” Jungkook asks, wondering why his son is already in his pajamas at barely 7 pm on a Friday night.
Without a word or sound, Jihoon reaches for Jungkook, silently pleading for his comfort with sleepy eyes and a tiny frown on his face.
“Hey, buddy,” Jungkook coos and takes him into his arms, heart aching as his son cuddles up against him, small arms wrapped around his neck and his face buried in the crook of his neck and shoulder. The heavy, tired sigh that leaves Jihoon’s small body tells Jungkook that whatever that is bothering him is taking a toll on his him.
Minji runs a hand through her dark brown hair, sighing deeply as she shrugs helplessly, “I don’t know what’s going on.”
Jungkook moves to sit on the couch, keeping Jihoon in his arms. Minji joins, watching as Jungkook examines Jihoon’s face for any sort of abnormal differences. The only thing that stands out is the immense tiredness etched onto his face along with a small frown. Jungkook holds his palm to his forehead, trying to decipher if he might have a fever.
“He’s burning up,” he mutters, smoothing his hand over his son’s head before cuddling him close again, arms wrapped around his small body. “When did he start acting like this?”
“Well, I made dinner and he was perfectly fine until it was time to eat,” Minji explains. “Then all of a sudden he just turned really pale and he didn’t want to eat anything… I tried to get him to eat just a small portion but he refused.”
“Did he throw up?” Jungkook asks.
Minji shakes her head, “no… not yet at least.”
Silence engulfs them, the only sound being Jihoon’s light snores as he dozes off in Jungkook’s embrace. Seeing Jihoon like this makes him feel terrible. No parent enjoys watching their children become sick.
“It’s probably just a virus,” Jungkook decides, mostly to calm Minji but also to calm himself. Jihoon is usually very playful and energetic, especially on the weekends because that means he’s going to spend time with mommy or daddy. But right now, he’s nothing more than a shadow of himself, drained of energy and pale, burning skin and shallow breaths as he sleeps in Jungkook’s arms.
“God, I hope so,” Minji frowns, “I hate seeing him like this.”
Jungkook presses a kiss to the top of Jihoon’s head, running his hand up and down his back in that soothing action he’s found comforting since he was a newborn baby.
“Yeah,” Jungkook mumbles, “me too.”
It only takes a few hours before Jihoon’s body gives in to the stress of being terrorized by the unwelcome virus. Minji barely got to find a bowl in the kitchen before Jihoon was throwing up. Luckily, Minji made it to him with the bowl before he threw up all over the white rug in the living room.
Jihoon did not find it very fun to be throwing up, his whimpering cries shooting daggers into Jungkook and Minji’s hearts as they tried their best to comfort him while his body got rid of the virus. It’s not fun to be throwing up but sometimes it’s the only way to get better when the body has been infected with a virus that usually isn’t there.
Two hours later Jihoon is fast asleep in his bed, already looking much better. Jungkook exits his room, leaving the door a bit open just in case Jihoon calls for him or Minji. Once he enters the living room again, Minji watches him as he slanders across the room to join her on the couch. A heavy sigh leaves him as he sinks into the cushions, eyes staring at the ceiling.
“I’m sorry if I ruined your plans for Friday night,” Minji says after a beat of silence.
Jungkook shakes his head, “don’t be.”
Silence overcomes them once again. It’s almost as if they’re afraid to speak with one another in case Jihoon calls. Both of them want to be sure they hear him if he does.
As they sit in silence, Jungkook’s mind wanders to you. He wonders what you’re doing now that your dinner plans got canceled. He hopes you’re not too upset about the whole thing. He would hate for you to feel upset, especially since he would be the reason.
Maybe you’re hanging out with Mina instead. He hopes you are – rather that than you being by yourself on a Friday night because your boyfriend canceled your dinner plans.
“Jungkook, you’ve been frowning non-stop for ten minutes,” Minji pulls him from his thoughts. “If you keep it up, it might stay that way.”
A humorless chuckle leaves him, “yeah, you’re probably right.”
Minji smirks to herself, watching as his face morphs back into a frown again not even a second later.
“And now you’re frowning again. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Jungkook lets out a sigh at his ex-wife’s comment, picking up the stuffed animal that’s laying on the couch next to him, fiddling with it.
“It’s nothing.”
Minji scoffs softly, “don’t tell me it’s nothing. I’ve never seen you frown for that long in one sitting. Is it ____?”
Before he knows what’s happening, he’s nodding in response to her prying question. Minji mutters a quiet ‘I see’. Jungkook doesn’t know how or when he and Minji’s relationship changed but he never thought he’d talk about his current girlfriend with his ex-wife.
Tonight really has been odd in all sorts of ways.
“What happened?” Minji asks, too curious to stop.
Jungkook shrugs, “we had a dinner reservation at some fancy restaurant, you called, I canceled our plans.”
“Oh… I’m sorry,” she frowns.
It’s hard to believe she’s actually sorry after all the stuff she’s said to and about you ever since you came into Jungkook’s life. However, there’s something about the tone of her voice that tells Jungkook that she means it, that she feels bad for interrupting you and Jungkook’s plans for the weekend.
“It’s whatever,” Jungkook mutters, waving a dismissive hand in the air, “I’ll cancel anything for Jihoon.”
Minji smiles at that, “I know but that doesn’t mean you have to.”
Jungkook glances at the woman next to him; the woman whom he thought he loved when he was barely an adult, the woman whom he accidentally knocked up during New Years when he was just twenty-two years old, the woman who birthed his firstborn child. The woman who gave him the most precious, prestigious role in his life; being a father.
“How can I not?” Jungkook asks, “he’s the most important thing in the world to me, Minji.”
“And he knows that,” Minji tells him, “even if you’re not around every time he’s sick. The only reason I called you was because he kept asking for you. We would’ve figured it out even if you hadn’t come over.”
Her words tug at his heartstrings. Jihoon had been asking for Jungkook, for his dad. No wonder he wanted snuggles as soon as Jungkook arrived.
“I’m really sorry for ruining your plans with ____.”
Minji offers him an apologetic smile, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. Jungkook smiles in return, feeling grateful that his usually overprotective, slightly arrogant ex-wife can feel apologetic for something.
It’s a rare but nice sight.
“I can tell that she means a lot to you,” she then says, “it’s nice to see you happy, Jungkook.”
Confusion takes over Jungkook’s features as the comment leaves her lips. He was happy even before he met you, hence why he’s confused as to why she would say something like that.
“I was happy before?”
Minji gives him a knowing look, “happy and in love.”
With that, she gets off the couch and heads towards her bedroom. Jungkook stays seated on the couch, trying to grasp what his ex-wife just said. Before he can ask what makes her say something like that, she glances over her shoulder.
“Goodnight, Jungkook. Call your girlfriend.”
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otaku553 · 7 months
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How goes the fma x albedo fic? I hope that doesn't sound pushy, I'm genuinely curious. And in that vein, do you have any little drabbles you may have written or want to write? Especially with your recent kny ocs/yourself and your siblings. That'd be super fun to read about! Your art AND your writing is so freaking good, the moment I see you've posted something new on your blog I'm clicking it so fast. Same with your ao3 account ❤️
Thank you for the kind words!!! Currently not working on any fics, since I just came out of 10 weeks of summer research where my days began at 8 am and ended at 9 pm for probably less than minimum wage hahaha (doing research is a Bit Sad but I get a whole month to relax before classes start again so thank goodness for that)
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I do however!!! Have a lot of plans!!! If you’re interested you can read more below!
Plans include but are not limited to:
Finally working on Homuncular Nature again!! I definitely do have a lot of plans and cool scenes playing out in my head for the next chapter, it’ll just come down to when I actually put pen to paper (or stylus to iPad) to actually organize and write them all. The road block I think is that I have seen neither Albedo nor fmab very recently and all my concrete ideas are for around the 30 episode mark for fmab, the turning point with the first actual confrontation against father and the subsequent Briggs arc.
Rewriting Ten Thousand Maple Leaves! A lot of people have been very kind but I think I missed the mark with my first chapter to be honest. My writing has gotten a lot wordier and less succinct, which feels like I’m filling a chapter more with fluff and unnecessary description than actual content. I think I also dislike how I characterized Sanemi and how quickly Kazuha was willing to agree with things. Writing both of them is kind of a difficult challenge tbh! I think in rewriting it I want to give back to Kazuha more of his vagrant role in the games, where he is avoiding the law for reasons somewhat out of his control.
Ebisu siblings content! I think it might be fun to try having them interact with more of the canon characters in kny but I also think there’s some value in a complete sort of outsider point of view when inserting characters into a piece of media. I feel like whenever I see self inserts I see a lot of ocs making themselves indispensable and making meaningful relationships with existing characters that way and that’s totally valid! That’s a lot of what I do for crossovers as well. I think when it comes to my own ocs though, I want them to feel grounded in some form and the reality of it is that none of the characters I make based on myself or real people are that impressive or remarkable. But I also think there’s a lot of value in showing smaller scale things outside of the main interactions and plot to show that even though we aren’t remarkable, we still have our own meaningful connections and ideologies and stories :) in the end the Ebisu siblings are a lot more visual though so I may just continue making doodles and art without writing anything haha
Kirby & Meta Knight ageswap AU: I was mostly doing this on my ask-gikabi sideblog in short form comics, but I lost sight of what I wanted to do after making the discord and starting to interact with some of the people who followed it. I think a lot of people are inspired and have their own very cool ideas that I wanted to take into account but then eventually it was no longer my story or the story I wanted to tell, which is why I’m thinking of restarting it as a fic. This one is still in very rough idea stage though, I have honestly no clue how I’m even going to begin organizing it
Yanfei ace attorney crossover: this one’s just pure crack lmao I would definitely write it as crack taken seriously but I think this is fun to explore just for small ideas that pop up every now and then, i.e. yanfei is semi-immortal because she’s half adeptus so it would be Really Funny to me if she showed up in dgs era, got her attorney’s license, went into hiding after it became obvious that she wasn’t aging, and then re-emerged after rebranding herself as her own daughter or granddaughter. That, and I have a lot of fun imagining someone as pragmatic as yanfei trying to get through the sheer chaos of aa despite being otherworldly
Continuing winter weather advisory: I got to a really good point in that fic and was rereading it today like,,, damn I wrote that? And it would be fun to see where I planned on going with it so I do want to also try working on that a bit if I can
Kazuha & Kunikuzushi role swap au: this is something I posted about a Long While ago but it’s an idea I continue to be fascinated with :) I especially enjoy how these two characters could have had completely different roles and personalities depending on how their pasts happened (with wanderer being so nice and turning so bitter and kazuha growing up so spoiled (for lack of a better word) and turning out so weary and yet kind
Link click and mha crossover: this one is honestly just a very recent idea but I think it would be fun to make a drabble on how lightime photo studio would be able to continue operating even in another world and the trouble they might get into for illegal quirk usage and what using cheng xiaoshi’s powers in a world where being able to tell the future is canonically possible would entail
I have!! So many ideas!! And not enough time or motivation to actually write any of them most of the time :’)
But I’m very glad to hear that you enjoy them and look forward to my posts!! :D I really hope I can work on some of these over the last month of summer vacation that I have :)
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straight4joekeery · 1 year
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Teach Me How To Love In Your Own Lyrics
(Part eight)
Prev. Part one
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The next week went by slow. Without literally all of his friends he had nothing to do. It was sad and really lonely honestly. So Steve did what any reasonable lonely human would do: get a pet.
He couldn’t get a dog they were way too much work. He had a poodle growing up and it was the most annoying dog ever. He definitely didn’t want to deal with that again. He would get a fish, but they aren’t that entertaining. Reptiles were horrifying and he would easily lose a rodent. So that left him with one option.
On Tuesday he went shopping. He went to the local pet store and bought everything he needed, or rather the cat needed. He bought all of the basic necessities plus a gigantic cat tower, a few too many toys, a harness (because why not?), and a normal amount of cat outfits (only like 25). $200 dollars later the pet store said he’d be able to pick up the kitten on Thursday. The cat was only a month old and was currently named Archie. He knew he was going to change his name, but he didn’t know what to change it to. The cat was all black except for his white paws. Which yes black cats were are supposed to be unlucky, but considering what he’d been through, an unlucky cat was the least of his concerns.
That Wednesday was the longest day of his life. It felt even lonelier in his house. He eventually decided the best way to spend his day was painting random things in his house. Which was an extremely good Idea surprisingly. When he was on his 10th object it was 9 pm (and he’d happily go to bed at 9 pm). Those ten items included: two mugs, little doodles on his mirror, the cup he keeps his toothbrush in, a plant pot, the watering can, a mason jar, his hairspray can, a ring tray, and last but certainly not least a guitar pick. He wasn’t the best artist so most were just ombrés and splatters.
When he woke up the next morning he immediately got dressed and ready. He couldn’t stand one more second of being ‘Sad Sack Steve’. He ran straight out to his car… but immediately had to go back inside because he forgot his keys. But then he was actually on his way.
He finally made it to the store and oh. Oh my god that was the cutest kitten he’d ever seen. He quickly finished all the nonsense paperwork and went home with a cat in his passenger seat. That’s when it finally hit him that this was a living being, that he had to take care of. That was… weird. A lot of responsibility. And plus he was going up to Indy tomorrow. What was he going to do? He supposed he could talk to his neighbor Amy and ask her to check on him. Amy was weird (to put it in literally the nicest was possible) but it’s better than nothing.
When he pulled in his driveway he walked next door to Amy’s. Thankfully she agreed. He thanked her a thousand times then ran back to the house, cat in hand. The cat was loud. Like extremely loud. But that was a good thing. It wouldn’t be so quiet all the time. Just in that moment, the phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Steve! Are you okay?”
“Eds? Yeah I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Robin called you like twenty times and when she gave up she called me so I could call you because apparently ‘Steve is way more likely to pick up the phone to you’. Did she tell you she makes me call her each time I get to a new hotel just so she can have each hotels number?” The cat was now meowing like crazy.
“Uhhh no she didn’t. Do you know why she called?”
“She said she just wants to make sure you’re going to Indy tomorrow. Steve… what’s that noise?
“I have a hypothetical.”
“Okay…? What is it?”
“Say I got a little black kitten. What would be a good name for it?”
“Hypothetically though.”
“I mean I’d personally name it Ozzy, but I know you personally wouldn’t name-“
“That’s perfect! Hypothetically.”
“Sure. Well I can’t wait to see this hypothetical cat!”
“Yeah yeah. Okay I should call Robin. Bye Eddie.”
“Bye Stevie. Tell Ozzy I said hello.”
“Will do.” He misses him. He misses him a lot. Blah blah blah this is a spiel we’ve all heard one too many times.
He called Robin back and told her that he was going to be there tomorrow. And about Ozzy.
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“Ready for round two?” He called out the window.
“Of course!” Vickie yelled as they hopped in the car, “looking good again Harrington!”
“Why, thank you.” They drove back to the bar. They didn’t have a tape in so they just talked. Talked about everything and nothing. When they arrived Vickie pulled him aside.
“Hey Steve?”
“Yeah?”
“Sorry if this is weird, you don’t have to answer, but do you think you’re going to end up with Eddie?” She was right. That was weird.
“Uh honestly no. He’s not gay.” She frowned at that.
“Well I personally strongly disagree but if think that, why didn’t you dance with anyone last week?” Good question. He however didn’t know the answer to that.
“I don’t know Vick. I just felt like I had to,” why? Why did he think he had to, “maybe…maybe it was just in case he wasn’t. I didn’t want to chance not being able to be with him. Which I know is stupid because it will never happen.”
“Hey,” she placed he hand on his arm, “that’s not stupid. Again I do think you are wrong,” she sighed. How. How could she think that? What gave her a reason to? “But if you don’t think that, go have fun. Dance with people. Don’t waste you’re time chasing over someone who you believe you will never catch up to.” As much as he hated to admit it, she was right.
“Okay. Let’s go. I promise I’ll let loose a bit.” She smiled and linked their arms as they walked inside.
“There you are!” Robin called, “i thought I was going to file two missing person reports!” They walked back to the same barstools they sat at last time and there he was. Trent. He didn’t remember exactly what he did to Steve. But he remembered that he hated him. No clue why. Might have just been angry drunk Steve for all he knew.
“Hey guys!” He smiled at them. Especially Steve. For a weird amount of time, “what can I get for you guys?” Robin was already drinking her Dirty Shirley. She was addicted to those things. She said ‘they are like Shirley Temples but better!’ He was not going to tell her that was the point.
“Can I just get a beer? I don’t really care what kind,” Vickie said. Didn’t peg her as the beer type, but hey! Never judge a book by its cover right?
“Yeah, me too.” Steve said.
“Alrighty! Give me one second!”
“Look,” Vickie said, “I love Trent but he uses the weirdest words sometimes.” Oh! That’s why he hated him last time.
“I noticed that! Last week he said ‘yikes’ like audibly and I almost gagged! I didn’t know people actually said that!” Steve exclaimed (but quietly so he wouldn’t hear).
Robbin giggled, “one time he said my outfit was ‘tubular’,” they all laughed and twisted their faces in mock disgust. Just then he came back.
“Here y’a go!” They said thank you but he didn’t move. He just stayed there. Oh well at least Steve has a piece of eye candy now. God he was hot, “so Steve, what do you do for work?” Yay! More small talk. He knew just the way to this man’s heart. He tried everything to not hate him again.
“I’m a teacher. Junior history,” why’d he elaborate? He surely didn’t care.
“That’s so cool! My favorite class of all time was my junior history. It’s the only class I ever understood. My teacher was the only nice one in the building too.” Woah. He did care. Weird.
“Cool…” cool? Really? That was lame. (LAME??? STEVE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.)
Trent smiled at Steve for a second to long for it to be ‘bro like’, “well let me now if you guys need anything!” And he walked away. He wasn’t sure how to feel about him.
“Wow Steve!” Robin applauded, “look at you go. He was totally into you!”
“Yeah I could tell.” He looked at Vickie and blinked as a cry for help. She just shrugged. Just then the first man of the night walked up to Steve.
“Hey! My names Adam, I was uh wondering if you wanted to dance maybe? My boyfriend… ex-boyfriend just cheated on me and left.” Yikes (REALLY???). He looked towards Vickie and she mouthed, ‘you promised’.
“Yeah. Sure.” Adams face lit up. He held out a hand and he took it.
Now in Robins exact words, ‘you’re dance moves could kill! And by kill I mean make someone want to shoot their eyes out’ which only offended him to the point he cried later that night. But it was fine. Everything was fine.
“Uh Adam?” He looked up at Steve with questioning eyes. Adam was cute. Like adorable cute not I-want-to-rip-his-clothes-off cute. “I literally can’t dance. Like at all.”
He laughed, “me neither honestly. But if we hide in the crowd no one would ever see us!” He pulled Steve to the middle of Probably a good hundred people. He smiled. Like actually smiled. He liked this kid.
“How old are you Adam?” He immediately started blushing.
“I’m twenty-three.”
“Twenty-six”
“Cool. You like don’t have a boyfriend right?”
He snorted, “No, I’ve actually only officially dated one person, and that was about ten years ago.”
He laughed, “well that guy,” he nodded towards the door, “was my third. And obviously i have some special kind of charm because this same situation happened every. Single. Time.”
“Jeez. That really sucks. I’m sorry.”
He smiled, “nah it’s fine. Never actually liked that guy at least. He was just in a band that was popular at some point and died down,” he laughed, “if I’m being honest I thought I could use him for publicity. That did not turn out well though.” Huh. That’s strange.
He laughed, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. It’s just kinda coincidental. This one guy that I’ve literally been pinning over for years just left to go on tour.”
“No it’s fine! That is kinda weird. And that really does suck… I don’t think I got you’re name?”
“It’s Steve.”
“Well Steve I’m sorry about that. Does he like you back?” He was convinced neither of them were actually in to each other. But that was okay. He was a super nice kid. (He was literally only three years younger but he was still going to call him kid.)
“Well I am sure he doesn’t but all of my friends think otherwise. Plus I only realized I liked him when he left.”
“Well I know I’m a complete stranger and have no right to say this, but they are probably right. All of my friends told me to stay away Tony because he was no good. And here we are,” Steve didn’t know why he was so calm about this, “hey uh Steve i better get going but,” he took a pen out of his back pocket and wrote on Steve’s arm, “call me. We should hang out. You’re cool.”
“I will. Thanks.” He nodded and walked back to the girls. They were literally jumping up and down.
“How’d it gooo?” Vickie said grabbing his hands.
“Good! He was nice! And we’re going to hang out soon,” he said waving his arm. They gave each other a weird look.
“Hang out?” Robin asked looking very disappointed.
“Yeah. We didn’t click like that. But it’s fine. At least I have more than four friends in the area now!”
“Who’s the fourth?”
“Ozzy, obviously.”
“Obviously,” she rolled her eyes.
“Okay, I had my time. Now it’s your turn, go. Go have fun! But not to much fun!” He called as they ran away. He took a swig of his beer that he’d left there.
“Young love strikes once again!” Trent called from behind him. This dude needed to stop sneaking up on him. But this time he smiled back at him. He just kept staring at him. Like a concerning amount. And he noticed, “penny for your thoughts?”
“Nothing it’s just..” screw it, “want to dance?” His face got even brighter than Adam’s
“I’d be honored. But I only have like five minutes because I do work here,” they grinned at each other. They made their way to the people again. He caught Vickie looking at him and giving him a thumbs up. He just rolled his eyes at her. “I got the impression last time that your weren’t too fond of me.”
“Sorry it’s just that I get really easily irritated when im drunk. But then I can just switch up and immediately become the giggly drunk that we all aspire to be.”
“I get it. My ex was like that. She was… interesting.” He thought it was so amazing how open people could be about their sexuality’s here. He also just now noticed that they were in fact not dancing but just standing there. Which he was not mad about because again: he could not dance. “I think you’re really neat Steve.” Neat?? Okay this dude was kind of, sort of, really really weird with his vocabulary. But as we established with Eddie: Steve liked weird. (He’s literally been with two dudes that have at least been a little interested, and he’s still Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Edd-)
“You too.” They just stood there looking at each other for a long time. Before Trent leaned in a bit. Woah. This is weird. What is happening.
“Stevie, can I?”
Did he hear him correctly? Did he just call him Stevie? It sounded oddly romantic. The word were ringing in his ears. Oddly. Romantic. But it couldn’t be. That’s all Eddie ever called him. He guesses pet names were meant to be flirty. But no. There’s no way. Eddie could not like him. (THERE IS A MAN IN FRONT OF YOU!! SNAP OHT OF IT!)
He realized he hadn’t responded for a while, “I’m so sorry,” he said. And ran off. He ran outside. He needed air. There was no way. Why was he even thinking this? Did Eddie like him back. He suddenly remembered the phone call from last week.
Okay, love you Eddie. Goodnight.
Goodnight Stevie.
How could he be so stupid? Why did he say that. But he didn’t freak out when he did. He didn’t say it back. But he didn’t say it was weird. And he called him that stupid name again. He thinks back over Vickie’s, Robin’s, and even Adam’a words. There was no way this was happening. Eddie might actually like him. Was he? Wrong?
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Next
FINALLY. this is the dream I had. This was what this whole fic was based around. I just reread this and realized how choppy and weird the ending was but oh well. I didn’t know how else to make it work. I also didnt at all plan to add Ozzy. I zone out when I write and before I knew it boom he was there. Every steddie fic needs some sort of animal named Ozzy tho. Also I will never stop apologizing for how short these are. It’s actually not that short but still. I’ve been super unmotivated and tired. Really tired. I also would like to make it clear that I hate Trent. He did nothing wrong I just don’t like him. This is a hill I will die on. Oh well. Love Adam tho. Also one of the funniest things to me is whatever trope you think this is, you’re wrong 😈. Anywayyssss. Comment or reblog if you want to be tagged in future parts! And thanks for reading
This will be on AO3 soon I just need to find a time to do it. It will also be extended there most likely.
Tag list: @asbealthgn @queerbeansworld @bird-with-pencils @vecnuthy @artiststarme @captain-winter-wolf-aehs @piningapple @rowendyss @steve-themom-harrington @lfaewrites @azreadytodie @thequeenrainacorn @pastel-dreamscape @importanttimemachinenerd @jehneeg @swagaliciousmarie @mightbeasleep @krazyperson @milkshakeflower @fando-random @bumblebeecuttlefishes @swimmingbirdrunningrock @gregre369 @fluffyreturns @scheodingers-muppet @wonderland-girl143-blog
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Oasis: Day Four
CW: Existential dread; death mentions
I walked along the stream for some time until I found a waterfall with a lake at its base. It isn’t a very large one, but it was definitely loud enough to draw me toward it from a reasonable distance away. I decided to take a shower. The water is only about four cubits deep all the way around; it’s nice and warm. I would wash my pajamas too; but I have nothing else to wear, so that wouldn’t be wise. Currently I’m sitting on a rock to dry off.
Sleeping without an alarm clock by my side is wonderful. I no longer have to live with the knowledge that it will jolt me violently awake, seconds after losing consciousness. 
I never realized how much of what I did with my time relied upon others. I set my alarm to 5:00 AM, because work started at 6:00; and I went to bed at 8:00 PM for the same reason. I wouldn’t eat until my 1:00 lunch break, because I would become horribly sick if I ate in the little time I had free in the morning. I got home at 4:00, which left me four hours to myself.
Two of those hours I spent on Francis Murray’s front porch playing hearts. I don’t even like card games; I think they’re boring and repetitive. Your hand determines what cards you play and when you play them; so half of the time, coincidence chooses the winner. That isn’t how I would define “fun.” I don’t know why I went. I would say I went to enjoy the conversation, but that would be a lie…
Francis is fine, but he doesn’t talk much. I’ve tried to get closer to him — in a very proper and decent way, of course — but all he seems to do is push me away. It baffles me how he can host these card games and invite others to them, but remain so distant and unwilling to befriend anyone. I understand there may be something troubling him; but he should do something about it instead of sitting there like a brick wall behind his cards all evening. Surely that can’t be healthy?
Mari Honda is nice to talk to; but she’s never able to get a word in edgewise because of Cynthia Evans. It’s always “My Son” with her. “My Son has three kids!” this, “My Son went to Aruba,” that, or “My Son’s a famous musician!” The sad thing is, I never know which son she’s talking about, because she has six of them, and their names all start with the letter “J.” I don’t feel like following their stories. Actually, I’m not even sure half of what she says about them is true; but the poor thing looks as though she might explode if she doesn’t talk about “My Son.” So none of us ever say anything. We simply nod and say “That’s nice,” out of courtesy. But after awhile it becomes tiring; after seven years, I don’t want to do it anymore. 
Yet we all kept going back… Why? Is it human nature to want to torture oneself? Do we secretly enjoy misery?
Or maybe it was the routine we craved. Something familiar and consistent in the terrifying world in which we lived, to distract ourselves. But we were hiding ourselves away so much that none of us got to enjoy our lives. It’s like that one concept in physics where the faster you go, the slower time passes for you; but once you’ve decelerated, you’re ten-thousand years in the future, and everyone you’ve ever known is gone. Then you realize you’re alone. You’ve wasted all your time working and indulging in meaningless conversation about unimportant people doing fruitless things. We waste our lives, and then we die. 
So, we ruminate to feel a sense of accomplishment. But by doing that, we forgo the opportunity to actually accomplish things. We try to get time back, when in reality we are throwing it into the fire. How foolish we are!
Thankfully, whatever force has brought me here has taken me away from all that. I may have wasted most of my life then, but I am here now. I am free to go where I please; to set any destination and sing as terribly as I want while I get there. Actually, I’m beginning to see that I’m not such a terrible singer as I thought I was — I just never had time to practice. I was never a very good writer either; but now that I’ve been given time to write, I can see that I’ve improved. My mind is sharper too. It feels as if a fire has been lit inside me and everything is possible— everything makes sense. I can’t explain it.
This place is amazing.
Tagging: @astudyinpanda @oldwoolhat @jiminy-cricket-but-gay @gorelabs @straight-to-the-pain @incoherent-introspection @nova-3-the-exo
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cloudyyoungjaes · 1 year
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Despite it all, I’m still gaming
Content Warning: Vivid talks of mental health, suicide ideaion
A/N: I posted this on my self insert blog. Gonna post it here. Might’ve doxxed my location. idc atp. i’m tired.
I still agonize about being alive. Video games are a way to keep my mind off everything…even if it’s for a while. It’s not much, it’s distracting me from homework that I need to do. I’m actually considering going to the Redbird Gaming Center every day if I could.
I’m in 5 gaming clubs: Redbird Esports, Redbird Final Fantasy XIV, Redbird Yu-Gi-Oh!, Red Bird Fighting Game Club, and Board Game Club @ ISU, though I don’t consider myself a part of the Esports club. Out of the five clubs that I’m in, I’m only active in 3 of their Discord servers, and 2 that I go to meet in person…which is fighting game club and Yu-Gi-Oh! Club. Sometimes FFXIV clubs meet up in the gaming center. All three sometimes meet on the same day. It’s a lot. It also makes me feel like I’m wanted, that I actually want to be around people even if it’s only for an hour or two…or five sometimes. Normally, I would avoid going or if I do go, I only stay for an hour or two. My social battery is always on the fritz unfortunately. It’s always one use away from exploding.
But being around people while playing games? Seeing people play in person? It makes me feel alive. For once in my dull life, the rush of colors fills my eyes. Monochrome slowly turning into this natural sunlight as I enter Schroder 210 at 6pm on a Saturday night. The room is dark as Doc’s sitting near the door on his phone. Car Fax and another dude battle it out in BlazBlue Cross Tag projected on one wall. Ethan is off in the corner playing Dengeki Bunko FIGHTING CLIMAX IGNITION on his usual set up. I’m about to pull out the laptop and ask Doc if I can borrow his fighting stick for the nth since the club’s formation because I want to get on the Bridget grind in Guilty Gear Strive.
I’m about to get my ass kicked in Strive by Car Fax again.
I play against Car Fax and get my ass handed to me, again. Ten times in a row. Against his Leo. Because it’s Car Fax and no one dares to win against him nine times out of ten (he is really that good). I block and I get a few hits in; my left hand rotates the stick while my right mashes the face buttons trying to remember Bridgett combos. Yells of pain from our characters on screen ring in my ear as Bridgett flies across the screen, swinging her yo-yos at Leo only to get blocked and then my ass proceeds to get beat.
(“Learn how to block”, he says to me, going for yet another fucking mixup.
‘I’M FUCKING BLOCKING!!!’ I cry back as I get attacked again, struggling to hold backwards on stick while getting blasted by said fucking mixup. Doc’s holding a lecture on Red Ranger combos in the background.
‘Not on wake up you don’t!’ and I lose. Again.)
My left wrist is in pain, unfortunately Strive’s movements take a toll on my wrist, but a smile appears on my face. I’m having fun. A high if you will, like my heart feels lighter…the sadness disappears for that one moment. (I just want to feel happy again)
I’m at the gaming center yet again on a Tuesday at 12:15 pm after my Linguistics class. Debating whether to skip my Rhetoric class again as I boot up Final Fantasy XIV. I don’t want to go to class…But I also don’t want to fail that class. But having to feel stupid in that class—
The game boots up and I hum. What do I want to do today? Continue Hildibrand’s wacky ass adventures? The Heavensward patches are only two quests a piece totaling 8 quests but I’ve done 2 of them so that’s 6 quest left. But the cutscenes…and I don’t want to skip the cutscenes. The cutscenes look so good with the gaming center’s computers; like I can turn the graphics up to max settings and not worry about lagging.
Level up Dark Knight to 70? All the roulettes are always full of “Tank in Need” but…tanking gives me anxiety. Having to remember to press my mitigations so I don’t overwork the healer, unsure on what I’m doing as a tank rather than a DPS doing only damage, not to mention the last time I tanked…I got goaded pulling big piles of enemies. It was horrifying, I don’t want my party members to die--
Level Bard to 90?? There are barely any “DPS in Need” popups in roulette. Also leveling from 80 to 90 is such a pain in the ass. I don’t get any of the higher level dungeons, but I somehow get the higher level raids and I don’t want to go through that. I died several times to Omega because I don’t remember the fight. At all.
I lean back in my chair, watching my character just stand there as one of my chats pop off. Tired…I’m so tired. Maybe I should just vibe? The room’s plenty dark with only red lights lighting the room. It’s not blaring too; it doesn’t give me a headache.
…I’m going to skip class today. I don’t think my heart can handle being in there right now. A sigh. I check Discord to see if anyone pinged to do anything today. No one did.
Another sigh. Alright, today is a day of fucking around in roulette with Bard and Crystalline Conflict with Black Mage, I guess.
At least I get to see explosions go boom in Crystalline Conflict. I mean. I die a lot like usual, but the explosions and getting my skills off was nice. Roulette as Bard, on the other hand…
Well, at least I have my three songs; I can at least be at full power (or as I can, as I get my ass beaten by Omega. Again. I keep forgetting the knockback exists and I fall off the edge, screaming for a healer to revive me). I mean. We defeated Omega, but I’m still fucking dead. I go into Alliance Roulette, and I get Weeping City of Mhach and I fucking hate this raid because the first boss gives me so much psychic damage because it’s a spider of all bosses I hate this boss I hate this boss I hate this fucking boss; whoever has their Item Level set to Weeping City I hope you don’t get high parses if you do savage you fucking IDIOT I HATE IT HERE--
I’m already tired after NOT dying after that first boss, but regular dungeon roulette is a pain and I certainly do NOT want to do 50/60/70/80 dungeon roulette; I do NOT have the spoons to deal with dungeon roulette. Love this game, hate how I’m about to explode because of that raid I got. I would’ve preferred Algia because at least I got to die to Thal’s Balls and God do I fucking love balls. Especially dying to them; those are always fun. Love getting the balance mechanic right and Nald’Thal saying “Well Done! You are deserving of a Reward!” gives me so much fucking serotonin you don’t understand.
(I wish someone gave me a headpat and praise like that. I think that will make my life a bit better.)
Yeah, I’m just going to fuck around with Hildibrand and his whack ass adventures until like 1:30 and then go home and nap…Don’t want to deal with anything today.
(Or ever. I don’t want to deal with anything ever. I just want my life to be over with.)
    It’s this extreme high of happiness that keeps me going up and up. So high up I can taste the cold rushing into my lungs until I crash in the ground. Hard. And I start isolating myself from everyone again.
I wish I was dead.
I wish I was dead.
I wish I was dead
I don’t think anyone understands how much I hate myself and I wish everything would stop but I can’t do anything about it and how burnt out I am just for existing. It’s like I’m a puppet on a string and some higher being is my puppet master trying to poke my ass to do something. I guess playing games gives me some form of normalcy…or self. Because what does me screaming while tanking or me constantly losing in Guilty Gear Strive say about me? I dunno, and I don’t want to fuck around and find out if we’re being honest.
Video games gave me something to look forward to but it’s false hope in my eyes. Final Fantasy XIV has patches planned while we wait for the next expansion. Fighting game tournaments are always popping up; I want to get better at them so I can compete and represent the fighting game club. I want to commentate a Guilty Gear tournament; I want to be like the legendary commentators like Bronston Tran and D1 and Croney. I want to be able to be able to just play and not worry about anything ever but everything happens and it sucks; I want to experience that childlike joy again and again and
I—
I want to live. I want to live to do those things. To compete, to see the newest expansion, to be able to commentate a match or a livestream. I want, I want, I want—
But at the same time…I’m tired of being alive. It’s this pull between wanting to live because of games and dying because I’m a failure at everything else. I’m teetering at the edge of staying alive long enough to see those things and dying to hide my failures from my family because I would rather play games and learn about gaming than doing my degree.
But I can’t tell them that; I’m already seen as the family disappointment. I can’t bear it; I know I’m a failure in life…I don’t want to be reminded again. No one else knows that gaming is one of the only things keeping me alive; they don’t know that I want to die oh so badly.
Despite it all, I still have to march on. If I can’t live for myself, at least for the games I can still play. For their stories and communities to etch in my still beating heart.
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destroyvowels · 2 years
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transcript of a not so short conversation because all these sick adjectives are lining up like several combo ko-s and i can not let them go to waste with a clear conscience. september eight eleven twelve pm two thousand and twenty two random ass thursday and also the queen of england is dead. oops. 
why do i have a chest why am i so short why is my voice so high pitched. aaughhh .  i’m not even sad it’s just a perpetual feeling of ugh.  հույս ել չեմ ունենում tbh, i just don’t feel like i’ll ever get there.  it’s all so expensive and it takes so many hoops to jump through. for some reason my brain can’t even accept that an age past 26 exists for me if we’re honest it all gets pretty blurry after nineteen but at that number it just shuts off entirely.  i’ll probably die in a minimum wage job living with delusions of i’m-meant-for-something-big like everyone else all i do is live my life in the moment there will come a time when it’ll be a bit too quiet and i’ll start thinking about everything that’s inevitable
i could’ve just been born in sweden and gotten free top surgery or somethkng  but nooooo you’re not armenian enough plus your country might blow up anyday.  i dunno. i feel like i’m never enough of anything. not enough of a man not enough of a woman not armenian enough not russian enough not good enough to succeed not bad enough to write off, etc. etc. i am the definition of a state of limbo. i am an absolute fractured mirror of a human being. i am the barely scraping above average. never here, never there. ironic how i am just constantly split in two’s. i’m more like an abandoned writing project than a man. [not even abandoned i’ve got all this time ahead of me to make myself relevant in some way/if not make myself relevant at least live/because any kind of success when i think about it realistically feels actually laughable/i’m not gonna get anywhere past a one room apartment and just enough to get by/ i don’t matter in the big picture but neither does anyone] լավա վատա էդա. you’re getting pissed aren’t you 
identity issues fresh out the oven, oh i am going to be an absolute smorgasbord of art-able issues n**** is gonna love me [ i know king i take every chance i can to pester you/ so you don’t forget about my existence and get better sexier fresh n fun friends that don’t ramble about pointless shit with adjectives longer than their intellect ] [ i dunno man. i feel like i was born with guilt and i’ll carry guilt forever this sounds ridiculous i should take my fancy words to tumblr and speak to you like a person ]  i was already some pretentious nerd but now i’m head and brain first into dirk fucking strider and it’s made me ten times worse
i like talking about you. you’re very interesting. i’d like to pick apart your brain and see what makes you tick. tpreferably by switching our bodies freaky friday style. but i don’t think that’s possible yet. so i’ll settle for asking you how you see your thoughts. 
i haven’t written anything seraphim related in ages there’s nothing to write these two morons don’t fit together unless they’re at each other’s throats. [make them be at each others throats] that’s boring to write! they need some spice in the narrative
[these are great adjectives all of em would you mind if i copied them onto my blog for future project use/sometimes you have to wring yourself of all emotion like a wet rag straight onto a canvas]
some part of being trans especially as a teenager is about outside approval and validation you can’t live off internal validation alone it also ties in with being a fucking kid and wanting love and affectionlike. i’m usually okay with all that i do not give two flying fucks about anyone ever but sometimes a*** will give me this obnoxious tumblr-infused gender affirming bullshit and i’ll have to go hey man. i know you’re fucking lying tbh maybe this is more of an a*** problem they look so much like my fucking cousin m*** it’s so weird every single time they make a weird flirty sex joke i just think of him it’s like my own personal brand of scorching hot hell 
[i think i’m. fucking crazy]
[ not really youre just a kid ]
i am so genuinely desperate for a crumb of affection from anyone here i’m touchstarved and alone and everyone who’s attractive is two years older than me when fall out boy went [i’m sleeping my way out of this one/with anyone who’ll lie down] i felt that. except i just want a kissy. [that whole song is so me actually]
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ramblersaccount · 5 months
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Winter break came around faster than I expected. It was now time for me to pack up the life I had created in my dorm and head back home for the holiday season. My brother-in-law, sister, niece, and my cousin’s husband had taken the trip to come get me. You know, even though I had the same amount of personal items when I got there, packing things away and getting them to fit in the car was physically ten times harder than the first time. I think I slept for most of the ride home, but I do remember waking up at some point and seeing a pro-Trump rally with Confederate flags and thinking, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” like I was Dory from Nemo. Other than that, the only thing I remember related to the trip was getting home and my room feeling sanitized in a way. The weirdest emptiest feeling to know that a place is yours but lacks anything you now consider “you.” I’m gonna be honest; from November straight till the end of April is a blur to me now, and that’s saying a lot because my birthday is in April. However, the months that followed are forever ingrained in my head.
On Sunday, the 9th of May 2021, I woke up extra early to make breakfast and buy flowers for our dining table. With the help of my sister, I set the table, put the flowers in a nice clear vase, and invited my mother to come downstairs and have breakfast. She didn’t eat all that much and said she wasn’t feeling well, so she went upstairs to take a nap. My mother has type 2 diabetes, so this wasn’t an abnormal experience. She had been sleeping for a while when I went upstairs to check on her. She had gotten up and was just sitting there. She said she had a weird feeling on the left side, and I noticed her face was a little droopy. I told her we should go to the hospital, but she refused, insisting that she just needed more sleep. One thing to be said about my mother: she’s incredibly stubborn. No matter how much you push her and try to convince her, she won't do anything she doesn't want to do. So, I enlisted my sister to try to convince her, and still, she refused to go. My mother didn’t like hospitals; she hated being continuously poked and prodded. About an hour or so passed, and then she started crying. A sort of soft, silent, sad cry, and I could see the fear in her eyes. She couldn't feel her left leg. That's when my sister and I put our feet down. We told my dad to start the car and helped her get in. I sat in the emergency waiting area with her for about 30 minutes. Then, once they brought her inside the actual emergency room, we sat there, her laying on the bed, and me sitting at the edge, talking to try and keep her mind off things. Again we waited.
5:01 pm: They keep referring to it as a stroke, but there's no confirmation yet. She just finished her CAT scan, and the nurse said we’ll have to wait a maximum of an hour for that.
5:22 pm: The doctors are asking her why she waited so long to come in; there was a 3-hour window they could've reversed the effects. I feel guilt creep up my throat.
5:26 pm: She can't move her left arm and leg, but the doctor says her shoulder and face are pretty strong.
5:38 pm: Confirmed: she had a stroke, and they're gonna transfer her to a different hospital.
5:47 pm: She’s worried about what she wants to do, like gardening, and not worried about her health.
9:50 pm: We’ve been in the emergency room of the second hospital for about 3 hours, nothing is happening.
9:56 pm: I give my mom some mints to hold on to in case her sugar drops, and they send me to the visitor's waiting room.
12:01 am Monday, May 10th, 2021: They give me a number to call to find out the room my mom will be in, and I leave the hospital to go home.
12:38 am: I get home.
The aftermath of my mother's stroke was challenging for us all. Daily visits, therapy, and her monoplegic state dominated our lives. Two years later, her left arm still bears the impact, her fingers constantly rolled into a fist. She attends therapy weekly, frustrated but resilient. This period took a toll on me too. A job became necessary, and with my mother's return, my responsibilities multiplied, affecting my grades. Yet, amidst the challenges, I found gratitude. I met the man who would become my boyfriend and discovered new life goals. The journey post-stroke was rocky, but witnessing my mother's strength and resilience was inspiring. Despite the hurdles, that year held moments of personal growth and new beginnings.
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creekscove · 5 months
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3:03 pm, 5-1-23.
This morning we had to wake up earlier than I’d have liked. We had to check out of the hotel by eleven, so we woke around ten. Lotus decided he’d take a shower before I did, so I got my stuff ready. I was so tired I could barely think and I was trying to stay present and not completely dissociate and then just go catatonic. If I was able to, I’d have slept until at least one.
I think the worst part about it was the sand in the doorway and the bathroom. When we came back last night we washed off our feet and all that in the shower, but some of it was still there on the bathroom floor. It looks like more towels had been put on the floor though so I got to avoid most of it. I’m not sure if my parents or if Lotus were the ones who did it, but it was a godsend. The shower was absolutely freezing though; it was as if it was deciding whether or not to be cold or warm. It was never hot, and it made me feel out of breath when I stepped in finally; i couldn’t keep waiting for it to warm up when it clearly wasn’t going to. It did for a short moment mid-shower, and I relished in it while it lasted.
I was worried about being rushed but thankfully I wasn’t. Getting all our stuff together was unpleasant since I don’t really like being disorganized (and I was) and as it is my parents seemed to make it a trend to argue today. It still went on periodically throughout the day, even up to now, where they’re arguing over the route to take home. Luckily, the gods seem to be on our sides and the arguments only go so far. Nothing like how they have done in the past, so everything is okay. Doesn’t stop me from feeling like shit though.
We got IHOP for breakfast, which is awesome. I know I had it with my dad when we were killing time before Lotus landed (has it really been that long already? Time is passing so quickly and it has my heart in shambles. I’m not sure how I’m going to cope when he’s gone again out of my reach.) but it was amazing having it again. Lotus seemed to like it, which was good. We both got hot chocolate. I was sad he didn’t try the mozzarella sticks since they’re one of my favorite parts of the restaurant, but it’s okay.
We went to the pier next, and it was great. It wasn’t as awesome as I thought it would be, because when we got there it showed a lot of rides on the preview above the ticket stand. I could just be blind or I could have thought the rides were actual rides and instead they were kids rides, but there were a lot less that we could get on. As it is, the one kid ride we went on was a swing, and while it was totally worth the wait (limited number of adult seats, I had to sit on the opposite side of the ride) it wasn’t worth trying the other ones if we were going to have to wait an absurdly long time for a few minutes of a ride. Sure, that’s normally how it goes with roller coasters, but that’s at like six flags or something, not the pier.
My favorite ride was either the yellow one that had lots of curves, or the dragon ship thing that swung us so we were almost vertical in the air. It went way higher than the one we tried the other day, so it was awesome. Lotus’ favorite ride was the ferris wheel. Mine would have been the same if it didn’t have so many stops to let people on. That is the worst part about ferris wheels though. It was fun feeling the breeze and looking over everything on the pier and the beach when we were up there though. Of course, my favorite view was looking at him rather than anything else.
We got some fruit from one of the vendors on the pier, and my dad said it was expensive but refused to let me hear how much it was. My guess is like $30 or something. I’m not sure. But it was some good fruit for sure, I got oranges and pineapples. Lotus just got watermelon. It was enjoyable despite the usual burning that happens when I eat pineapple.
We left after riding the ferris wheel one more time. It was peaceful. Sometimes I wonder if he’s having a good time but I’m sure he has to be, since every time I ask he smiles so sweetly and nods or says yes. It’s so lovely to see.
We’re on the way home now, and traffic is heavy. Our average speed is 20 and under, if that’s any idea. I’m tired, so I might sleep, but for now I’m just thinking of today’s events and listening to music.
I’m so, so grateful to have Lotus here with me still. Today was awesome. I can’t wait to get back home to rest, though. My feet hurt like a bitch.
creek.
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purplesurveys · 2 years
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1519
What was the last seriously painful thing that happened to you?   I accidentally ate a whole dried chili pepper from my kung pao chicken last night. It looked like any other topping, so I shoved it in my mouth mindlessly... :/ The burning sensation in my mouth felt fun I guess but boy do peppers actually taste like shit when eaten on their own – it felt like I ate a spoonful of metal and soil? and then of course my tummy felt upset for a couple of hours after that.
Did you get sleep last night? If not why, were you up? I did; I slept earlier than usual actually, given how busy I had been this week. I think I passed out by 11:30 PM.
What's the last rude thing someone said to you? Idk. People are very rarely rude to my face.
Would you rather do yoga or pilates or Zumba? All of these sound exhausting lmao. I’d try Zumba just so I can at least dance while working out.
Have you ever been scammed by a church? Or felt scammed by a church? Not scammed out of money but I definitely feel like church/organized religion is a scam and waste of time generally. < Yeah, let’s go with this. But on the money side, I will share this - I’ve said this before, but for the last 3-4 years my parish has been trying to raise funds for renovations and make the space larger and much much MUCH grander, and I find it so sad and desperate how they are clinging to churchgoers (most of whom don’t even have the extra income to allot for donations) to see progress. It’s so dumb and I always ignore the basket that goes around during offertory knowing it’s going to that church I’ll eventually stop attending anyway.
What does your class ring look like? What is that even? Do students in some schools do that? I was never too attached to my own batch to get a class ring.
What's your greatest asset? My ability to think quickly on my feet. Sort of a mandatory in my line of work, and I’ve learned lots about problem-solving and meeting deadlines from it.
List ten careers you think you'd find interesting. Museum curator, NASA engineer, surgeon, concert handler/organizer, wedding planner, editor for Korean variety shows, historian, production crew on a cruise ship, anonymous restaurant inspector. 10 is a LOT lmao, I didn’t expect how stumped I’d be. 
Do you know what you want to do with your life? Not quite yet. I thought I had it all figured out, but my burnout has since served as the slap to the face I needed to tell me I’m not really finding satisfaction with what I do anymore. I don’t know if I’ll always want to be in the corporate world, but what I know is I’d love to start exploring another facet of my passions, aka museums and anything related to history.
Have you found your soulmate yet? No, idk if I believe in that and I certainly never use the term genuinely, and only do so in a very joking/lighthearted manner.
Do you believe in Judgment Day? Is that the Bible thing? No. The only Judgment Day I recognize is the old WWE pay-per-view hahahaha. 
What's your favorite holiday for candy? I don’t like candy and I’ve never waited for a holiday specifically for candy.
What celebrity has the same body type as you? Not being biased lol, but Kristen Stewart is a good example I think. Zendaya also! although I am nowhere near as tall as she is.
Can you see spirits? Nope, don’t believe in that. I have a number of friends (that I trust) who claim to have a third eye or a sixth sense – and while I don’t and will never believe them specifically for that, I still like to prompt them every once in a while to see if they’re currently sensing anything different. In a way, I’m still interested in what they’d have to say.
If you were to design shirts, what would you put on them? If we’re talking about statement shirts, I’d pass. I never liked sayings on clothing.
What is the name of your YouTube channel? It’s just my Google-registered name since I registered using my Gmail.
What was the first social media site you joined? Technically it was Myspace but I never touched it again after creating my account, ha. The first social media site I joined and actually spent time at was Twitter, followed by Multiply.
Do you prefer wide-ruled or college-ruled paper? College. Having wide lines on my paper has always made me feel like I’m back in elementary school and taking penmanship classes.
Have you ever had a book completely disconnect from its binding? I’ve had this happen to my books when I was a kid, yeah.
When was the last time you won a contest, and what did you win? It was technically not a contest, but we recently had a company-wide workshop where we invited a journalist to give us a writing lecture and even homework. I was personally excited about the writing prompt he gave, but I was just too busy with work that I completely missed (and forgot about) the deadline. I rush-wrote my material the morning after the deadline and was a little nervous about it because I didn’t even give it a second glance lol, but when I consulted with him later on in the week he told me mine was the best one and that I would be given the highest score. No prize for this other than validation and assurance for my writing hahaha.
What talents contests do you think you could win? Writing and speaking ones, judging from the few contests I did manage to join in the past.
Where do you store your Christmas decorations? Mom keeps it in this large container in the garage.
Do you decorate for holidays? Only for Christmas.
Do you have a hope chest? If so, what's in it? No, I don’t know what that is...have I taken this survey before? I remember learning about a hope chest precisely because of a question like this, but idk otherwise I don’t think I’ve ever encountered some of the questions here so probably a coincidence.
What's unique about your bed? Can’t think of anything about it that makes it stand out. What's unique about your bedroom? My aircon is the same aircon that you will see if you look at my photos of me as a baby in my nursery.
Do you act too nice for your age? I don’t think niceness has anything to do with age, but I definitely get called out by my mom whenever she can for being too much of a pushover haha. For the most part I’m outspoken only within people I trust; but I hate hate hate having to argue with strangers and think it’s a waste of time, so I normally just let other people have their way. And she really hates that.  What's a place that starts with the same letter as your name? Romania.
Where would you most like to do a 24 hour challenge in? List five places. Gangwon, Busan, Barcelona, New York City, Basel.
What's your favorite part of Chinatown? I’ve never been to a Chinatown.
Does your doctor respect you? I don’t have a doctor that I regularly go to. I also never really get checkups and only go to a clinic/hospital if I’m experiencing some sort of serious ache.
What color is your birthmark? Where is it located? I have one on the top left part of my back and it’s dark brown; I have another one by my butt, which is also dark brown; and I used to have a Mongolian spot on my right arm.
Have you ever made a prank call? Never.
What are some jobs people in your family have had? List five. My dad started as a cook and worked his way up the kitchen; to add, he used to work in a hotel here in the Philippines but started working overseas after the birth of my sister so the family monies could be more sustainable. My mom has juggled all sorts of administrative work in three different hotels over the last 29 years so she’s been a receptionist, secretary to the F&B director, etc.  Do you feel spiritually in tune with nature when you're out in the wild? I don’t believe in spirituality and ‘getting in touch’ with mine. 
Which Cheetah Girl was your favorite? Raven mostly because I loved her in That’s So Raven and I didn’t know the other girls too much.
Which Spice Girl was your favorite? Didn’t reach their peak, sorry. I love Victoria though, but more as herself than as a member of the group.
Which Power Ranger was your favorite? Was never into the Power Rangers. Were you blonde as a child? Not at all.
What was your first CD you bought? Beyoncé’s I Am...Sasha Fierce.
Have you ever cried while locked in a bathroom? A few times. I generally avoid the bathroom though...doesn’t the echo make it worse? If I need to cry I just do it in bed or go to my car so I can be alone.
What is your favorite type of book to read? Memoirs.
Do you ever sleep on your floor? Very occasionally.
If you're not in school, do you ever miss writing essays? I don’t miss it, only because I get to do it for a living kind of! Hahaha but if I had ever ended up in a different field, I definitely see myself missing writing. It’s one of the few things I know and am good at.
Do you enjoy writing? I love it.
Who's the best photographer you know? Maybe Reiven since he actually did it for a living at one point.
Have you ever had a professional photo shoot done? Yes, for grad shoots. Nothing beyond that, though.
Have you ever performed in a talent show? No.
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seere-mela · 2 years
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long personal rant. keep scrolling.
i knew going into it that there was going to be a metric fuck ton of things about pregnancy that would be very uncomfortable (at best) and dysphoria-inducing and frustrating and yeah, yeah i was right. currently sitting at 32 weeks along (two months to go for those who aren’t familiar with the numbers) and here’s the grand list of things that suck:
1) the boobs getting bigger. like, generally speaking, i don’t experience a lot of body dysphoria. i know, logically, that other people perceive me as a woman. but i don’t perceive myself as such and i’ve never been uncomfortable in my own body. until now. the belly i can handle. the exhaustion i can handle. the feet hurting (more on that in a moment) i can mostly deal with. but the boobs getting bigger?? yuck. i will totally be getting top surgery at some point in the future when i have the money for it.
2) pain-induced insomnia. i’ve had a difficult relationship with sleep since i was ten. so almost two decades now. i’ve also lived with chronic pain for nearly half my life before i figured out where it was coming from and how to nip it in the bud. this is the first time i haven’t been able to sleep because of pain. specifically, it’s in my hips (which have always been finicky little bitches but that’s another topic entirely. i’m honestly starting to wonder if i have hip dysplasia.) i’ve always been a back sleeper, when i am capable of sleeping at all. but now? nope. lay on my back for more than five minutes and nausea sets in. but laying on either side for more than an hour and a half, two hours tops, and hello sharp stabbing pain in hip! roll over. wait three to five minutes for pain to fade. fall back asleep if i can. wake up hour and a half/two hours later. repeat.
as a subnote, i told my doctor about not being able to sleep. her suggestions were: chamomile tea, lavender by the pillow, warm bath before bed. maybe a single tylenol pm.
no, really. she said that shit with a straight face. didn’t even ask what i was specifically struggling with.
i told a nurse about the hip pain waking me up. her exact words: “well the only thing that will help at this point is having the baby!”
like. i know doctors/nurses don’t actually give a shit. have experienced that firsthand my whole life. but. w o w
oh! and! according to some research i found, the signs of post partem depression can show up as early as two and a half to three months before the baby is due. one of the biggest warning signs? lack of ability to consistently sleep through the night. apparently no one told my doctor or the nurse about that. good to know.
3) my feet hurt. so. bad. i have a food service job right now. if it’s a short shift, i’m on my feet for 6.5 hours straight. at the end of that, it feels like i’m walking on needles. if it’s a long shift, 8 hours straight. at the end of those shifts, it feels like i’m walking on nails. either way, i get one ten minute break per shift. maximum. can’t afford new shoes right now. not that it would actually help anything (the current pair are only four months old). i can’t do anything after work if it involves standing. can’t cook, can’t do dishes, can’t do laundry, can barely even shower.
4) i haven’t had the desire to do anything for about week now. i can watch a show. i can scroll tumblr. i can play a video game. reading? writing? drawing? doodling? coloring? cooking? all of which i usually enjoy? nope. nothing. it’s not like i’m sad or anything, i just think about doing shit and i feel blank. completely empty. and then i get frustrated with myself for not being able to do anything.
one way my autism presents itself is when i go nonverbal. it usually only happens when i’m frustrated or angry at myself for not doing something. and then i can’t even speak which leads to more frustration/anger which is a Very Fun Feedback Loop.
that’s the main reason i’m typing all this right now. i’m hoping communicating it (even if no one reads it) will help pull me out of the current nonverbal state.
5) i hate the way people talk to pregnant people. so much. “when are you due???” none of your goddamn business, karen. “how are you feeling??” as if you fucking care, becky. you just want me to get your sandwich. don’t pretend to give a shit about me. “is this your first or second??” again, none of your fucking business. “you’re seven months along? but you’re still so small!!!” oh fuck off already. “boy or girl???” it’s human. move along.
the only thing i’m bummed out about is that no one has explicitly asked if my “husband is excited.” we’re in an overwhelmingly conservative community right now and i desperately want to watch some old biddy’s face morph into disgust as i say “my wife is very excited, yes.” (disclaimer: my partner is amab, uses he/him, is nonbinary questioning. i asked permission to say that and he’s completely down with it.)
on a side note, i did disturb my boss the other day. that was fun. she asked if i’d thought about names. told her little one is going to be Olivia Luna (first name) Anathema (middle name). she then asked what Anathema means. said it’s a character name from Good Omens and that it means (roughly) to go against society. and she very much Did Not Approve lol.
headspace feels better now.
if anyone actually read this far, know that i appreciate you.
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studiojeon · 3 years
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use me | jjk
this is part of my troubled outsiders series. i think you can read this by itself though :)
| summary | -   Jungkook was not someone to establish relationships and bonds out of interest, you knew that. Or maybe not, truth be told, he was an authentic enigma, so open yet so closed and shielded from others to see through, and that didn’t exclude you.
warnings: language (?), mentions of hook ups and situationships. mentions of emotional trauma.
contents: a compilation of moments that contributed to the growth of their relationship, jungkook is hard to read, jungkook is hard to read, jungkook is hard to read and sus. oc is kinda whipped and scared af. chaeryeong knows who you are and where you live. jk and oc are scared to let each other in. friends to lovers, idol!jungkook x student!oc.
author’s note: i hate this, but i have to get it off my chest. (the narration is off af but if i keep it in my drafts for longer this will never see the light of the day). p.s. thank u so much for the support on the last drabble <3
playlist: rain by trey songz (feat. swae lee). 
words: 4.75k
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“JK?” as his broad back faces you, you call out his name timidly, not missing the way he swiftly turns around as soon as he hears his name come from your lips. Hair wet and darker than usual, a very big sweat stain at the center of his hoodie. He had just gotten out of practice, you assumed. 
“___?” he replied with the initials of your name as well, one of his tired grins plastered on his face, he must have been exhausted. You had caught on to him just as he walked out of the practice room in front of the elevator on your way to your office, right when you needed him, but now you weren’t so sure if it was a good idea to pester him. Even so, you didn’t know anyone else you could ask for help, aside from Linh who was currently in her own office doing other tasks you had assigned to her.
“Are you busy right now?” your eyes stare at him shyly, in hopes that he was willing to help you out, because you wanted to be around him, so maybe he could share a bit of his positive energy with you, the past week had been hellish.  “Could use some help returning all those heavy stacks of paper in my office”.
“Of course! Why didn’t you give me a call earlier though? It’s pretty late” he walked by your side and you enter the elevator, beginning your adventure around the company.
Jungkook was fun. Always bubbly and reciprocative, constantly trying his best to make you laugh and make the absolute best of your situation, even if he could be a bit stubborn at times. You liked the spontaneity he provided though, the way he would switch from one topic to another and how he would make silly faces at you whenever you locked eyes. 
He didn’t know, but in pure ignorance, he had just made your day ten times better. 
In the past week, you had received a lot of counterarguments, one by one, on how useless your management tactics were. Granted, you hadn’t expected for your ideas to be welcomed with open arms, but at least you had hoped they would take them into consideration. You had also been assigned a team, in charge of social media management, who worked monotonously and with little to no insertion in the actual target audience… your logic was: how can you advertise products to an audience you don’t even have the mere interest to know? You had designed a strategy, presented it, and no one paid any mind to you. 
But for the most part, you felt lonely. Had no one to talk to, nor go to whenever you needed your spirits to be lifted up.
Chaeryeong was busy busy with group projects and work. To the extent where she would get up at seven in the morning and come back at 12 pm. It wasn’t always like that, so you didn’t worry too much, but the fear she would wear herself off like usual still crowded your mind.
You close your office door with a sigh. Tired from everything, but somehow, your heart a little fuller, knowing that maybe you could use Jungkook in the future to give you a lift. Both figuratively and literally because he had offered to drive you home, being the gentleman he was.
“Why do you look like a sad puppy?” he asked you once you were sitting by his side in his very expensive and luxurious mercedes. Tinted windows and jet black shiny paint covered the outside of his car, the smell of air refresher and pinecone filling the inside. Mans was getting hotter by the minute.
“It’s friday night after the longest week of work. How can I not?” you put on your seat belt and lean back against the leather cushions. He pouts in response to you, with a concerned look on his face. 
For a second you wonder if he did this with most coworkers… being nice to them and offering them drives after having met them just a few times before. Kinda risky behviour, considering his position and squeaky clean reputation. You figure this would only last a bit before he realized he had more important things to be focusing on.
“Do you ever get chased home?” you ask randomly. 
With one hand on the wheel and the other leaned against his door he meditated on his response. “It happened once… And then I moved out, got a new car and everything. Shit was wild” he chuckles and you think that was the first time you had heard him curse, like ever. Jungkook, friendly and everything, wasn’t too big of a talker, but with you he found himself spilling, without giving it much thought. It felt refreshing to hear his voice and listen to his stories and the way he expressed himself. He was more interesting than he seemed, apparently. “Aren’t you hungry, by the way? We can have something to eat before i drop you off”
Traffic was hellish in Seoul everyday at every hour, and choosing to drive through Itaewon on a friday night wasn’t the smartest decision on Jungkook’s behalf, but you didn’t have the heart to tell him that. Considering the demands of his job, he probably didn’t know his way around the city that well. You conclude taking a detour wouldn’t hurt. “I’m starving actually.”
He ends up taking you to a restaurant near your neighborhood you had mentioned being good and not crowded at all, the latter catching his attention immediately. It was a modest but nice place owned by a very funny and loud ahjussi. The man had lost count of how many times you had come down from your apartment at 11 pm and asked him to make you vegetarian tteokguk, but they were enough so that he could memorize your five orders by heart and the amount of saewoo mandu you could down by yourself in five minutes. You were making him rich at that point so the least he could do was comply when you gently asked him to shut the place down for you. Jungkook hadn’t asked you, but you knew how things could get awkward and dangerous quickly if too many people found out about him being there. “Ahjussi, you don’t have to” the boy protested as he noticed that the man had shut the blinds for him.
“It’s okay, boy. _____ has been single handedly paying the remnants of my mortgage for over a year now, I don't mind doing this for her.” he joked in his usual nature. already writing down your order and patiently waiting for Jungkook in front of you to voice out what he wanted for a meal. “And well, you and your friends are making our country proud, it’s the least i can do to thank you”
“Ah, thank you.” Jungkook bows to the older man. Your heart softened in your chest, seeing how considerate he was towards other people. He must be great with parents, you think. “Do you really not get that many people around here?” he asked worriedly once he sat back down on the wooden chair.
“We do! But she’s the one who comes the most often” he nods toward you and Jungkook smiles once he found your gaze, a glint of playfulness in his eyes. 
“Can you recommend me anything, miss?”
“Of course, sir. Yeol-ah, double up my order. Drinks are on me today.” You yell at the man’s son in the kitchen, who was still a bit older than you, but also close to enough to let you order him around shamelessly. You knew him quite well, actually. He was Chaeryeong’s boyfriend after all.
The tall boy pokes his head out of the kitchen door with a very confused expression plastered on his face. “Aren’t we supposed to close in like, an hour?” Chanyeol asks his dad in front of you.
“Just go cook, I'll explain later”.
The two men go back into the kitchen and Jungkook looks at you with an amused expression on his face. “What was that?” he laughs.
“I’m very popular, you know?” it probably wasn’t a good idea to go there, but you felt a little drunk on his voice that night, and you also knew your friend didn’t mind. “In fact, Chaereyong from ITZY is my best friend, who would have guessed?”
“Yeah and my son is her boyfriend, who cares?” Byung-ho yells back at you from the cashier, pulling a hiss from your lips. 
Jungkook still continued to stare at the both of you with confusion and intrigue, you guess he thought you were both joking.
“Wait, really?” he utters after a few seconds with big doe eyes and a pout on his lips, a combination that appeared when he was either confused or lying, which wasn’t the case then.
“Yes, my guy.” you laugh. “That juicy legged shortie is indeed my wife”
Jungkook loved the food, to say the least. It was all vegetarian and korean as fuck, a combination he never throught was possible, but downed like thristy camel. He was a loud eater, which was fitting of him and his politeness, something else you had noticed that night. You were the opposite, and actually despised the sounds of other people eating, yet, looking at him enjoying his meal so much made you feel full yourself. He made you feel like a kid in some ways too, brought back the times when being around others wasn’t so hard, and you still could have a sense of security around you. Talking to him was rather easy, maybe because of his welcoming nature, or because in fact he actually was interested in whatever stupid shit you were saying, something most people around you didn’t do. He also, amongst other things, seemed very interested in your job and the likes, always asking questions and absorbing information like a five year old. You had explained to him the five key steps of process design and the psychological effects on marketing in society to which he always responded with wide gentle eyes and attentive nods, not once looking bored or… annoyed in any way. 
Was he like that, with every girl? Because you weren’t anything special, there were many other girls who worked with him everyday and even if you hadn’t seen him in his work space, you could guess by the way most women in your company look at him whenever he passes by that either they were just as captivated as you by his beauty or that he had fucked them. You wouldn’t be surprised if he was just trying to get into your pants either, it wouldn’t be the first time it happened to you nonetheless.
“I can walk from here, JK” you mention once you found yourselves walking towards the parking lot. A bit sad about the expense you had just made on food, it was your fault for trying to seem cool and rich, neither of which you were. 
“Oh no, I’m not letting you do that, girlie” he unlocks the door and gets in, not even letting you finish or allowing you to fight back.
“My apartment is literally a block away” you protest in the car anyways. You fear you had been too much of a bother, and deep down, didn’t want him to feel like you were seeking his presence unnecessarily.
“Well, good for you. But, you paid for the food, which was a lot, and i don’t want my sugar mommy walking by herself at 12 pm on a friday night” you first freeze, and then burst a very loud giggle.
“Whatever” you slap his bicep and roll your eyes. “ Next time you can pay if it bothers you so much.”
“So there will be a next time?” wide eyes stare back at you. “Count me in. I´ll pick where we will be going, just lemme know when so i can plan ahead” he rambles, a little too excited about your suggestion. 
He drops you off with a smile on his face and hopefulness in his eyes, promising to see you around the company. You, on the other hand, feel a tad confused as you enter your apartment building. What was going on? 
You had overthought things so much your entire life that it suddenly became too tiring to do. During the past few years you had to learn how to detach yourself and just ride the wave sometimes. Once you had turned eighteen, everything started moving at a very fast pace, the pressure of adulthood fell upon you like a brick and everything was so overwhelming that you started to simply let the course of your existence take you wherever it needed to.
That’s how you ended up going out with Jungkook at least once a week for dinner or a drive around the city for more than two months. Without even noticing, he became so engraved in your everyday life that whenever he’d cancel plans because of work, you’d find yourself with a void in your heart and a rush of boredom filling your senses. Even if you found yourself in your living room with the company of your best friend whom you had seen at most four times in the past two months, you were still wishing you could share that intimate space with him instead, willing to let him a bit more into your life, in hopes that maybe he would do the same. Sue you, you were curious over the most intricate details about his personality, how his personal sanctuary looked and if the smell of his room is just as good as his car’s. You could bet a thousand dollars (maybe a little less, considering the unconventionalism that characterizes him) that he also had a few plants that only remembered to water three out of seven days of the week. 
Hopefully life would draw you closer to more people like him.
"How's your boyfriend doing?" Chaeryeong asks you from the kitchen counter, sweet popcorn cooking in you popcorn-maker. 
You sigh. "What boyfriend?"
She was a lot of things but oblivious, and you weren't either, just when you chose to be. "Cut the bullshit, you know who i'm talking about". The fake red head waits for your response as she pours the snack into a big bowl, and you on the other hand take this as an advange to search around the room for answers.
"He's just a friend" you say. "And he's fine, i guess… He doesn't really talk much about himself" you mention, matter of factly.
Chaeryeong nods beside you, understanding what you meant. Then, proceeds to tell a tale about her experience meeting the dark haired boy. "He's literally so quiet, but like, so incredibly kind. Once he tripped over and fucked up some of the decoration at an award show" she grabs a popcorn and continues her story. "He looked so panicked I thought his eyes were about to jump out their sockets — His eyes are huge, by the way." 
"I know" you smile.
"My point is, he started to help the staff put everything back in order again. I think he's the only idol I've ever seen do something like that… i decided i liked him then" her beautiful features light up with mischief. "I bet he fucks great too."
You slap her leg. Hard.
"I'm only telling you this now so you don't get caught of guard when he actually manages to fuck you," her soft hands run through your messy hair, motherly touches easing the fluster in your body. "You know he's a big whore, right?" She adds after a while. 
You didn't. According to Chaeryeong, who seemed to keep tabs on every single colleague of hers, Jungkook had quite the body count, not that you didn't have your suspicions before. Frankly, she only knew of two girls inside her company who had had some sort of situationship with him, but for the same reason, she also knew he had some history with other girls from different groups. "Yikes" you laugh nervously, in admiration of their ability to remain calm and collected without giving anything away to the public.
Thanks to your friend, you had heard lots of tea about other singers in the korean industry before, most of which were not as sweet or kind as they portrayed themselves to be, some even using their social status to get their way with girls. But for some reason, Jungkook had never made his way to your gossipping sessions, nor any other of his band mates (except for Jimin, who, if you remember correctly, used to have some sort of beef with one of Chaeryeong's company members). You guess it was because of his unproblematic nature that people chose to give him a pass for his sexual endeavors, not that they were of anyone's concern either. 
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A knock is heard against your office door. "Miss _____?" A girl with a brown bob cut pokes her head through it, the dim lights of your office shining upon her incredibly healthy locks. "Jungkook asked me to deliver this to you" sliding completely into the room, she places a box with a note on it on your desk.
"Thank you so much" you wave her off as she walks right out. 
The package had a strawberry flavored canned tea and a bento box inside. 
"I remember you telling me you'd never tried tofu pancakes before, so I made some for you last night. Hope you enjoy! - JK
P.S. Text me when you're done, maybe we can hang out tonight."
You felt like crying, in all honesty. The pancakes were heavenly, and he even added some slices of avocado and a few scoops of rice for you, despite not being the biggest fan of the fruit himself. With a warm heart and relief washing over your body because you wouldn't have to waste money on lunch that day, you had had half of your meal before said boy gave you a call.
"Did you like them?" He said almost immediately. "My assistant told me she already delivered them to you" he adds in a rush.
"Jesus boy, calm down." You giggle at his excitement. "Let me eat in peace".
"No, tell me right now." he demands with a fake angry voice. Cutie.
"They're alright".
"Figured… you have no sense of taste anyways" the hangs up. A giggle escapes your lips. Boy was something else.
Later that day, the weekend started it's course. Jungkook had offered to drive you to the Han River, careful to mention the fact he prepared a bunch of snacks for you two just about five times during your call. The place was almost empty, given that the rest of the city was doing something else more fun than staring at the night sky while sitting on itchy grass. Yet, you wouldn't change the setting for anything else. Usually, when you and Jungkook were out, he'd be in silent wary of your surroundings and the people who could be watching you. It broke your heart, knowing that most of the time he couldn't frequent places most regular people had the pleasure of enjoying, like the movies, for example, or a food stand in the middle of the street. Still, in that moment, the handsome man in front of you seemed as relaxed as ever, munching on grapes and strawberries as he sat in silence beside you. 
"This blanket is so soft, isn't it?" he commented all of a sudden, caressing the fabric with his hand. The thing was made out of polar fleece, no shit. You just nodded and grabbed a piece of fruit from his container. "One of my friends gifted it to me on my birthday" he adds.
"I know. It was me".
"Well, maybe you do have a sense of taste after all" he complies as he lays down on the surface, eyes facing the night sky above you.
"Says the one who uses toe socks" you say back, poking his weak spot.
Instead of going back and forth with you as he usually would, he just winks and closes his eyes. He looked so peaceful and serene beneath you, features carefully carved on his face and slightly blushed cheeks from the cold wind. Jungkook was like that, randomly over confident and flirty with you, but just as quickly would refrain from even disagreeing with you in the first place, scared that you would snap at him. He hadn't told you this, but the way you saw thoughts hidden in his eyes whenever you made a statement let you know his true intentions, leaving you to wonder where that came from.
"Are you tired?" You ask after a few minutes. Still with his eyes closed, Jungkook denies.
"I just don't want to look at you right now," he turns to the side, back facing you as an offended expression finds its way to your face.
"Yah" you slap his back playfully, not letting him finish.
"Because you look too pretty." he mumbles the remnants of  his statement.
Your breath catches in your throat as a shiver climbs its way down your spine. Why was he like that? He had no right tugging on your heart strings like that (if he was being serious in the first place because you never knew with him). You sigh, the blush his words provoked stinging your cheeks.
"You're supposed to say I'm pretty too" he turns around with a playful smile, expectant.
"You just go around giving compliments so you can get them back?" you hiss. "Why so insecure?"
"I'm not insecure, at all." He sits up again, ready to fight you and anyone who dares question the grandiosity of the confidence he had worked so hard for. "You can ask Linh about that".
To say you looked horrified was an understatement, hopeful that what you thought he meant was not it. "You fucked Linh?"
"Well, that's not for you to know". 
What a gentleman, you think. And at the same time, ouch. He had just slammed a door on your face.
"That would explain the way she looks at you whenever you come by the office" you realize. Frankly, the girl looked a bit too panicked whenever Jungkook decided to barge into your space, usually bored out of his mind during his english lessons, laptop and notebook in hand, or struggling to get the questions right. 
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"Well good afternoon to you too" you ironically greeted once he sat in front of you, frustration written on his face. Linh, who stood by your side, suddenly fidgeting with the papers in her hand.
"Not the time, _____" he slammed both hands on your desk, startling you and your friend beside you. "Why the fuck did you make me enroll into this in the first place?" 
"I did not make you do anything, dude. I just gave you an idea" you excused yourself, eyes back on your computer. You didn't miss the way Jungkook's eyes briefly followed Linh out the room, though. 
His eyes looked back at you, leg bouncing impatiently on the floor as he leaned back with a pissed off expression on his face. You'd never seen him this way, so you took that as a cue to enter under paid therapist mode. "What's wrong?" You questioned gently.
"I feel incredibly incompetent right now." His hands roamed across his face with frustration. A sigh escaped his lips as he held tears back. "School's always been this way for me, always trying my best and constantly underachieving" he explained.
He was obsessed with winning, you’d even go as far to say more than he was with his job (which was a lot). It didn’t root from narcissistic behaviour though, but rather out of external pressure to constantly overachieve and exceed expectations. He was mostly good at doing that, but everyone had an achilles heel, yours was reading for example, his was studying and school.
"Jungkook, you passed most of your classes with more than 90%, what are you talking about?" a fact he had brought up to you randomly when you mentioned absolutely nearly failing most of your literature classes.
"Yeah, except for English." he shook his head in the way he would when he'd feel conflicted or insecure. "I don't know what i'm doing wrong".
"Did you fail something?" you tried to get some more insight into the situation, still unsure of where all his worries came from.
"No, there's just this sentence I can't properly put together" he turned his notebook towards you. "Ah, just look"
There were some words he had to conjugate and properly place in order to form a grammatically correct sentence, more than five attempts written in neat penmanship on the page evidenced the boy's battle with the assignment. He missed one very important aspect of it, though. "There's a fucking word that's missing, dude" you explain, grabbing the pen from his hand and showing him where the mistake was. "It's not your fault, it's the teacher's".
Jungkook's serious expression didn't go away though. "Well, damn".
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You had some sort of emotional trauma with having people ask you for help, it made you think that they didn’t actually care for you as a person but rather just your skills. That was the way you’d grown up and what your position in society seemed to be as well, the one you could butter up and taste when you got bored. Heart had been broken many times too, whenever you’d realize what you thought to be a genuine connection was merely pure interest. Those thoughts clouded your head when Jungkook would randomly enter your office with a frustrated expression on his face, yet, that occurred less often than it didn’t. 
Jungkook was not someone to establish relationships and bonds out of interest, you knew that. Or maybe not, truth be told, he was an authentic enigma, so open yet so closed and shielded from others to see through, and that didn’t exclude you most of the time, hence your wish for him to let you in a bit more before you could allow yourself to free fall into whatever was going on between you both.
You reach for the fabric of his hoodie, tugging his sleeve with your fingers just because you really liked the color of it, and maybe because you wanted to feel closer to him. He doesn’t react to your touch, just looks at your hands briefly as they play with the edges of his clothing. “Where did you get this from?”
“An online store, I think.” he replies softly, reaching for your hand on his arm, caressing the surface of your nails. “It’s a unisex brand, i can send you their link afterwards.”
“Is it too expensive?” you inquire, not only to keep the moment afloat, but because you genuinely liked most of his pieces of clothing, especially his hoodies and shoes. Jungkook laughs at your question and looks at you with a smile.
“I don’t think i would know, ____. I’m rich.” he says, playfully. And he was right, what was expensive for you might just be cheap as fuck for him, you wonder if when a lot of money is in your hands you start to become very tuned out from what’s affordable or not anymore.
“True.”
“I can buy you one, though. I don’t mind.” he adds. Soft look in his eyes, a pure and genuine offer that you had to deny.
“I didn’t say i wanted one” you lie, only partially, because although you’d not mentioned it, you did actually want it. “I just think it’s pretty” you finally let go of him.
“Or do you think I look pretty in it?” he pushes, a sucker for compliments.
“Yeah, that might be it.” you admit, because there was no point in denying your irrefutable attraction to the man, as much as you hated to be vulnerable, especially in front of him.
“I think it would look prettier on you”.
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Don´t copy or repost please. by studiojeon on tumblr.
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hakkais-hoe · 2 years
Text
I’m not leaving you, not now not ever.
Peh-Yan (Ryohei Hayashi) x f.Reader
My boy doesn’t get enough love so here enjoy :)
Light angst/fluff
You and your boyfriend have a fight after he finds out you are still friends with Shion Madarame ends at lot definitely than you thought it would.
Warnings: swearing, light sexual speech, gaslighting.
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In a world of your own you saunter down the familiar path towards Ryohei and Haruki’s Real Estate Agency, you could see from where you were that the lights were still on despite it being nearly 10 pm.
What the hell is he still doing?
You know for a fact Haruki is at home with his wife by now but your love is still sat in that goddamn shop trying to sort out all that paperwork. You quicken up your pace intending to give Peh a good scare, grabbing the handle you pull as fast as you can and throw yourself through the door expecting to see him sat at the desk in the front. 
Sadly he was no where to be see in the the front of the office, which is very unusual when he’s here alone, you just wasted a good scare on an empty reception how embarrassing. You venture further into the office towards the separate rooms in the back, you gently open the door marked as Ryohei’s office the sound of his keyboard clacking fills your ears, he stops typing anyway at his computer and glances up through his glasses as he hears the door open, a gentle smile sliding onto his tired face. 
“Hi baby. What are you doing here?” His usually loud voice is calm and gentle as he speaks to you, a voice reserved for his baby alone. PehYan pushes his chair away from the messy table that he calls a desk and pats his lap for you to come sit with him, as you sashay towards him his smile brightens and he makes quick work of removing his glasses and tie.
He leans back to admire you as you go to straddle his legs, unspoken words are exchanged between the two of you when his arms envelop you in a tight hug, you know he’s worn out and probably not in the mood to do anything but cuddle you so you settle for snuggling up in his lap and playing with his now crinkled white shirt.
“Ryo? Why don’t you come work at home instead? Or at least get off before ten at night for Christ sake, I know for a fact that Haruki got off before it was even time! He was home to his wife before it was even four you know.” You wine in his ear, fully aware that it will annoy him but do you care? Of course not he signed up for this when he asked you to be his girlfriend. He groans below you and sadly you can tell its in exasperation and not because you’re sad on his lap, his eyes locking with yours solidify your thoughts.
“Well you’re not m wife so why complain so much? Thought you might like me staying a bit later anyway, its not like you to get so worked up over shit like this.” The once gentle smile across his face twists into a slight sneer at the start of the argument that he knows full well he’s just started. At his statement you push yourself to stand and move away to the other side of his desk where you cross your arms tightly over your chest.
“What the fuck brought that on then? Since when have I ever said you should stay later? Not sure who the fuck you think you’re speaking to love but that isn’t how you speak to the woman you supposedly love.” You try to keep your tone calm but you can feel the anger swelling in the pit of your stomach the nerve he has to speak to you like that after you came all the way here.
“I’m not in the mood for-” Ryohei’s sentence is cut off by the shrill ring tone of your phone. Without thinking you pull it straight out of your pocket.
Shion Maradame.
His name and stupid photo that you took years ago light up the screen like a flashing beacon, you can practically feel Peh-Yan seething.
You reject the call but he rings again straight away. This time you pick up with a nervous voice you speak.
“Uh Hi… Yeh no I can’t actually speak at the moment Shion. Yeh speak soon… Bye.” In front of you Ryohei has his long arms crossed over his chest, once gentle eyes are glaring daggers into your own, you know you’re in the shit now for hardly doing anything.
“You do realise he wants to fuck you, don’t you? He’s not actually you’re friend. I don’t like him being near you at all baby. He’s fucking pathetic I can’t believe he’s still tryna take you from me!” A loud bang resonates through the confined office when Peh’s fist connects with his desk. A low grumble slips past his his angry little pout. You stifle a giggle when you realise what’s going on.
“Oh my baby… Are you actually getting jealous of Shion fuckin Madarame? You do realise I’ve known him since he was in pull ups right? You know I’d never even look at him as any more than just my stupid brother. Plus darlin if you’d listened to me at all yesterday you’d know that Shion’s only ringing me because he needs help with something to do with buying a house, so really he’s wanting to speak to you but you know with the fact that you knocked him out with one punch baby. Which have I ever told you is really sexy~” At the end of your speech Ryohei’s face is unreadable as he stares into your grinning face. You situate your self back in between his legs and fling your arms over his shoulders, letting a giggle out you lean down to his ear and whisper.
“You know I love you baby. Not interested in anyone else when I have such a pretty man. Though you should definitely tell me I’m pretty more often ya know.” He leans into your neck and takes a deep breath before kissing the junction of your shoulder and neck.
“So fucking pretty, too pretty for me you know and I know it beautiful. God baby… M-marry me? Please baby will you marry me? Wanna marry you so bad.”
You shove yourself backwards as fast as possible, completely shocked and lost for words. You just stare at him all slack jaw like a gasping fish. You must have stayed silent for too long because Peh-Yan starts to stutter out and apology.
“I- uh- it’s… it’s okay baby- um… I- fuck I just- I thought-” His face is practically bright red ears n everything.
“No no no baby of you’ve I want to marry you, yes you stuttering mess I’ll definitely marry you! Yes all the way! I love you so much.” You hush out at his stuttering mess of a sentence finding it absolutely adorable even though he looked like he was about to start crying.
Matching grins spread across both of your faces, after what feels like an eternity smiling at one another but was in reality just a few minutes, you both burst out laughing.
“I can’t believe you just proposed to me after a bloody argument love. Oh my god we’re engaged! I’m engaged!? Holy fuck. Ryohei we’re gonna get married.” Reality hits you like a train, a nice happy train of course. Tears start streaming down your face without you realising as you babble out incomprehensible sentences to your laughing fiancé. His hands reach up to cup your face and swipe away the tears that are falling down your pretty face his own tears welling up in his beautiful brown eyes.
“Mhm yep I love you, you’re gonna be my wife. Y/n Hayashi. Or I mean I could take your last name if you want love… god I’m so lucky to have you.” You can tell by the warmth in his eyes that he means every word, he adores you and you adore him.
“So you know because you love me so much and you’re gonna marry me now… can you please talk to Shion about buying his own apartment to house he needs to stop living with his friends he’s 30 years old for Christ sake. Please baby…” You actually beg for once you need your best friend and you’d now fiancé to get along at least a little bit. He sighs at your puppy dog eyes.
“Er uh yeh sure… okay yeh as long as you’re there too other wise I don’t know what I’ll do. He pisses me off, too loud n arrogant.” Peh grumbles the last part under his breath.
“Babe I think you’re almost as loud can’t lie to ya, you’re not the quietest are you?” You can’t help but giggle at his disgusted stare he looks so confused.
“How could you insinuate that baby??? Im so hurt… Anyway tell me when he’s free and we’ll book him in and I’ll try not to wreck his face if he looks at you :)”
“Can we go home now please it’s been ages.” You mutter realising that it’s getting really late.
“Oh shit yeh let’s go home babe. Did you walk? I’ve got my car so let head out meet to treat my fiancé to a special night when we get in.” He’s cheeky little tone reaches your now blushing ears as he collects his things n grabs your waist to leave.
“So cheeky aren’t you love.”
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1kook · 3 years
Text
right place, wrong time
— a someway, somehow jungkook drabble summary Home was Jungkook, it had always been Jungkook… but it wasn’t this Jungkook. warnings angst, heart ache, its actually kinda sad :/ lmfao, jk is a little... uh... como se dice.... jerk without realizing it.... justice for oc.... also there’s a scene where oc throws up so !! rating m wc 1.5k
notes THIS TAKES PLACE 5 YEARS BEFORE SWSH ITSELF ! OK ! enjoy <3 i wanted to try writing angst again <3 also i have no self control i said i would post this in 7 hrs yet here i am. and its not proofread <_<
When you were kids, the fact Jungkook’s birthday fell early on into the school year was a huge deal; everyone in your class was invited, both new and returning students, and the event itself was practically the opening scene to the school year itself. As you got older and he began to move away from colorfully decorated parties, his early birthday still earned him a lot of attention, had everyone at your high school congratulating him from the moment the first bell rang until the last. There weren’t any grand birthday bashes during high school, but the Jeons were a loving family, party or no party, and always got him a cake to celebrate each new year. 
Up until you left for college, you had never missed Jungkook blowing out the candles for his birthday. Be it a backyard party bustling with kids or a smaller affair at his favorite restaurant, you had always been invited, always cheered for him with each new year of life he welcomed. 
As a kid, you had always been adamant on getting the spot closest to him as you sang happy birthday, beaming at your best friend like he was your entire world. His childhood photo albums had been proof of that, filled with a chronological sequencing of every birthday he’s had with you at his side, your smiles changing with the times— from missing teeth to full of braces, you had always been at Jungkook’s side. 
As a young-adult, you had to bite down your pride and watch Sojin fulfill that spot. 
You had missed his last two birthdays since entering college. Your first year away from home, everyone you knew warned you about not going home too early into the year, something about how it would solidify your homesickness and you’d never be able to assimilate afterwards. So you had congratulated Jungkook from Taehyung’s phone screen, greatly appreciating the way Taehyung angled the phone away from Sojin as best he could. Then your second year, you had been drowning in that first wave of projects and essays, and simply couldn’t squeeze a five hour drive there and back into your schedule. Jungkook understood; there was no party this year, just a simple family dinner. The video call ended soon after you congratulated him, his attention drawn away by the voice of another woman you knew all too well. 
For his twenty-first birthday, Jungkook was adamant that you attend. He had told you about it before you had left for the new semester, bent over by the front wheels of your car, making sure everything was in tip-top shape before you went off again. His t-shirt was drenched in sweat, trails running down his hairline, over the prominent veins of his neck.“I want you there,” Jungkook had said, taking your offered hand as he stood back up. He must have miscalculated— or maybe it was on purpose —his step, because when he stepped forward, he was all too close. He didn’t let go of your hand. “Please?” 
Your eyes flickered over his chest, to his neck. He smelled like home, or at least the image of it you had created in your mind during your last two years away. Home was lavender fabric softener billowing over you in waves, the faint traces of this morning’s cologne, the subtle scent of his metallic work tools. It was his chocolate curls tickling his eyebrows, his easygoing smile, the way he pulled you closer, made the scents wash over you all over again. 
It was Jungkook. It was Jungkook. It was Jungkook and his warm touch. It was Jungkook and his softened gaze. Home was Jungkook, it had always been Jungkook… but it wasn’t this Jungkook. It wasn’t this Jungkook and the hickey on his neck. 
The sight made your stomach recoil, eyes quickly averted from the site of the crime. He had gotten here later than usual, said something about having to take Sojin somewhere first. So that’s what that meant. Jungkook, unaware of the fact the collar of his t-shirt has let you in on his private life, squeezes your hand. “You’ll come, won’t you?” 
And you were stupid and you were in love, so of course you said yes. 
It’s a cookout this year, his backyard filled to the brim with relatives and friends and so many cans of beer you don’t know what to do. His parents are ecstatic for your return, babbling on and on about how much he missed you for the last two birthdays. You take it in stride, and maybe in a different timeline you would have believed it, but not this one. Aside from greeting you at the door and taking your keys off your hands, you had barely seen the birthday boy all day. You mingle with old friends, his relatives, tentatively sip at your can of soda. You’re tired, the long drive having sapped the majority of your energy for the day. 
Sometime around sunset, you meet eyes with him across the yard. Jungkook smiles, he always smiles. You okay? he mimes with a thumbs-up, and you want to say yes, but Sojin is sitting on his lap, an obnoxiously loud display, and when he puts his hand back down, it immediately finds its home on her thigh. You send him a half-hearted shrug, play it off like you're still a little carsick from the long drive here. 
(Truthfully, you are sick, but you’re not sure it’s from the drive.) 
Even at twenty-one, his family maintains their tradition and sings him happy birthday. With your return, his mother delegates you to cake cutting duties again, so you’re on standby for the song, at his side with the cake cutter in hand. Jungkook is grinning from ear to ear, Sojin attached to his hip, his arm sling around her shoulders. His family sings and sings, and Jungkook is happy. His eyes jump around the table, taking in the sight before him the way he does every year. And when they reach you at his side, Jungkook beams, reaches for your hand beneath the table and squeezes, all the while keeping his girlfriend closely hugged to his other side. 
You cut the cake. Sojin gets her slice and promptly whisks Jungkook away. 
By ten pm, you find yourself in his upstairs bathroom puking your guts out. It’s the carsickness, you tell yourself, or maybe the cake frosting, throat gagging around nothing, tears clinging to your lash line. But is it really?
“__?” someone says, and you make a weak attempt to turn towards the door. You don’t know what you expected— had you actually wanted Jungkook to find you in this sorry state? —but it isn’t Jungkook. “Shit, what happened?” Taehyung worries, hurrying to your aid. And you’re grateful that there’s someone here to help you, to save you from yourself and your stupid, heartbroken thoughts. But it’s not the man you want it to be, and that has you squeezing your eyes shut tightly, until the mascara on your lashes imprints itself against your under eyes instead. 
The man you want bumps into you downstairs, catches Taehyung helping you into the spare bedroom to lie down. “__?” Jungkook calls out, eyes big and scared. “Where— what’s going on?” he asks, thrusting his plate into Sojin’s hands before rushing to your side. He grabs your forearm, and the touch burns, so you yank yourself away. 
Faintly, you hear Taehyung explain. “She’s sick,” he says, pulling you closer. “She’s been out of it since she first got here. I think it was the long drive.” Yes, it was the long drive, you agree. 
Jungkook, unfazed by your first recoil, reaches for your arm again. “I’ve got her,” he tells Taehyung, underestimating his strength when he tugs you closer, has you stumbling into his chest. His rough handling makes your stomach tighten, your head feel dizzy. 
“Jungkook,” you gasp, hand on his chest. “Wait— I’m—“ And he’s trying to move you back up the stairs, probably into his bedroom to lie down. But the sight of the stairs and his overwhelming scent and the hickey on his neck, the hickey Sojin left on his neck, makes you nauseous all over again. 
Taehyung yelps in your defense. “Jungkook,” he scolds, carefully maneuvering you out of Jungkook’s harm’s way. “You’re making it worse.” 
From a few feet away, Sojin calls out his name. “Jungkook?” she says and her voice is so sweet, yet so sticky; it makes you gag. “Baby, they’re calling for you outside.” 
And everyone is saying his name, so he doesn’t know where to look, doesn’t know who to prioritize, not when everyone wants his attention. He looks at you, and your heart soars for a millisecond. Then it plummets when he settles on Sojin instead. “I— you’re right, Tae,” he sighs, backing off, letting go. “You got __, right?” Taehyung nods. “Call me if anything happens.”
And he leaves, slips his hand around Sojin’s waist and guides her out the door. He doesn’t look back, doesn’t even tell you to get better soon. He just leaves. 
Taehyung lays you down, doesn’t say a word when you start crying because he probably thinks it’s about your stomach and the vomiting. “It’s okay,” he soothes, helping you out of your shoes. “Does it hurt?”
Yes, you sob. It hurts very badly.
Copyright © 2021, 1kook on tumblr. absolutely NO reposts allowed.
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eponymous-rose · 3 years
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Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E114-115 (Nov. 10, 2020)
My wi-fi’s gone distinctly shaky, so it must be that time again! I don’t think I’ve ever watched the pet montage with sound on, and the sheer majesty of Henry snoozing on a Nicolas Cage pillow is somehow ever better with a swelling orchestral score.
This episode’s guests are Liam O’Brien and Taliesin Jaffe!
Brian: “How’s everyone feeling?” Taliesin: “...god.”
There’s a brief discussion about sports. Liam and Taliesin agree that they like the cowboys. Not the Cowboys the sports team, just cowboys.
Taliesin, on episodes featuring him and Liam: “We have a dark sad energy that I think works well together.”
Brian leaps out of his chair. “My pants kind of match the wall!”
Also Brian: “You guys fuck with Barney?”
Okay, okay, okay. First question of the night at 7:09 PM. What was it like to find Vess dead? Liam had a lot of avenues of conversation he was planning with her and was disappointed to lose access to those. Taliesin notes that it’s ten days before they can talk to her again.
Another contemplative digression. Liam: “Google ‘fartiste’.” Lots of talk of sphincters.
Brian asks what it was like to see Molly committing such heinous acts. Taliesin: “I have a nice wall built because I understand the mechanism by which Molly is Molly, and knowing the mechanism, I understand what Matt’s doing. It’s only Molly so far. I always knew that whatever was going on in the background was sinister and a little bit iffy. And, you know, Molly was never actually against a little skullduggery. He’s not a moral person, just, you know. Situationally kind.” Taliesin genuinely isn’t sure how much Lucien knows about Molly’s life, but he looks forward to someday being able to talk about the initial conversation he and Matt had about Molly at a Starbucks by a tattoo parlor.
Brian wonders whether Vess’s death has made Caleb start thinking about how other Assembly members may not be all that untouchable after all. “It’s totally surreal and absurd to him. I still think of them as powerful, though. Story-wise, Caleb thinks of them as dangerous as fuck. All of them.” Getting to know Vess might have helped him figure out what to do next about Trent - now there’s even more uncertainty there.
On potentially having to explain Vess’s disappearance: “Clay’s just gonna peace out. By the time this becomes a problem, he feels this is not his problem. If there’s a good path to everyone working out, sure, but boy it don’t look like it right now.” Caleb’s “just in con-artist mode at the moment.” They’re both more focused on what’s going on at the moment.
“I will actually say, it wasn’t until halfway through that even I noticed [that Clay was being flirted with]. I really appreciate it, just because very, very early on, from the beginning, I was very much like, I’m just going to play him ace. He’s got no interest in this shit. All that energy gets directed into other places. I was like, it’s a shame that it will never come up organically.” He was pleased to have an excuse to bring it up in-game. He does note that because of the costumes “it was like being flirted with by Ganondorf.”
As soon as Laura was actively interested in reading Der Katzenprinz, Liam knew he wanted to put the whole book together. Taliesin: “I can barely take a walk every day. Who the fuck are you?” 
Cosplay of the Week: a fiery Caleb! (lilac.cos on Instagram, photo by fourphotoscosplay on Instagram)
Everyone’s a fan of Dagen Underthorn. Liam: “I love him because of how salt-of-the-earth he is. We’re a bunch of weirdoes.” Taliesin figures he’ll wait for the M9 outside the cave, but “three days, tops.”
“Clay’s seen a lot of things go down when people are mourning. This is a new one, so he’s definitely not sure what to do, and hasn’t really had an opportunity to be like: a little trepidation would be advised, because this could go really poorly, and you’re all a little weird about this. He’s assuming that Molly was another nice guy like the rest of these nice people, but after the Traveler he’s a little more wary of trusting his friends’ judgement on the character of others. It’s a lot like hearing about somebody’s ex and they’re like, oh, they’re coming to visit.”
Why was it so hard for Caleb to walk away from the necromantic emerald? “The first answer is that, Caleb, who is humble in many ways, is also cocky. I’m the best at it, I’m really good. One thread in Caleb’s personality is his hubris. The other answer to it is that Liam thought it was hilarious.” 
Taliesin: “I could’ve possibly stayed a little longer.” Brian: “How much longer?” Taliesin: “Until we had to resurrect someone.”
Brian asks what it was like to have a battle de-escalate to the point of “dinner and friendship”. Taliesin: “It’s been a hard year and I was tired. I don’t want to hurt anything for a while, I just want to have cocoa on graph paper.” Caleb invited the yetis in because “one, that’s amazing. But also they said they would escort us and be our bodyguards for a little bit.” He thought he could entice them to stick around longer, having plied them with cats and pastries.
On Caduceus getting to be a mammoth: “The same way that Caleb is a creature of hubris, Clay is a creature of self-control, and is really invested in his ability to maintain himself and to not get lost in the situation; even in a heightened situation, he’s still very much himself. This was uncomfortable. Eventually, with some hindsight, he’ll enjoy the notion, but at the moment, it’s definitely a lot of, that did not feel okay.”
Fan Art of the Week: the kitties in the kitchen! (kristen_felan on Instagram)
Why was it important to Caleb that Veth stop touting him as a leader? “It’s never really bothered him intensely, but it’s been a thing for a very long time. It wasn’t worth making a thing about it, but it was never true for him. He just doesn’t feel like a leader, he never did. He went from being an A-hole to one of the knights of the round table.”
Who does Clay think needs the most guidance? “Yasha. He’s feeling at least reasonable about everybody. He feels like Jester doesn’t quite have her shit together, but she’s fine, and Fjord’s doing just great. Everyone seems to be coming together. Yasha had a breakthrough but hasn’t really processed yet, so it’s a lot of, like, hey guy, so. You know. Now that we’re feeling more healthy, maybe it’s time to make some healthy decisions?” Liam suspects some of the characters will continue evolving even after the campaign is done. Taliesin: “Life doesn’t have an act structure.”
Taliesin: “I’m looking forward to playing the Tomb Takers after they TPK us.” Liam: “Dibs on Cree.”
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bi-bi-buckleydiaz · 3 years
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deep breath, do your job | owen joyner
requested; yes! - Could you do a Owen x reader where the reader is Owens personal assistant while filming JATP and while they are filming the reader starts catching feelings for Owen but Owen is in a relationship. Owen and his girlfriend breakup and the reader comes over to comfort Owen and Owen confesses that the reason him and his girlfriend broke up was because of the reader.
word count; 6.4K ... yeah kinda got away from me there. longest fic i’ve ever written
warnings; language, implied sexual content but no actual sex or description thereof
a/n; lol, so i just wrote from 1AM - 4AM because i’m procrastinating my child dev. project thats due today that’s worth a quarter of my grade. i really didn’t mean for this to be so long so it’s probably not this good and the ending is a lil’ rough, but oh well. hope whoever requested this likes it. i kinda do even though it’s long and only slightly proofread.
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“Owen Patrick Joyner! Get your ass into hair and makeup before - oh, um, okay oops. Sorry ‘bout that. Should have knocked. I’ll just - yep, i’ll just go.” 
You thought he’d be sleeping. It’s nap time for him anyway, so he should’ve been sleeping. Instead, your technically boss and definite crush, was on his trailer couch with a girl you’ve never seen before. Kissing her. Without a shirt. Yeah, you definitely need to get out of there. 
You’re quick to close his door and begin to walk back to the hair and makeup trailer to tell them Owen will be a minute. 
“Y/N! Hey! Wait up! It’s um, it’s not, well it is, but -” He grabs your arm, causing you to turn around and face him, which, big mistake. Abort. Abort. Turn around. His post make out face is something you did not want to see. Liar.  
“It’s fine Owen. What you do in your free time is not my, well, actually it is since i’m your PA, I just mean who - WHAT, what you do in your personal time, in your trailer, is not my concern. Just, you’re needed in hair and makeup like, an hour ago. So, yeah, just, get there.” You stumble over half your words and watch his face fall as you near the end of your spiel. When he lets go of your arm you’re quick to turn around and leave him alone, walking right past hair and makeup and to set where you can curl up in your chair and eat your weight in brownies, if Madi hasn’t taken them all that is. You hope he goes to get his hair done. You know you should walk with him there because if you’re not practically dragging him to where he needs to go he never gets there on time, as just witnessed. But it’s usually because he’s goofing off with Charlie, not sucking face with a random girl. 
You don’t notice the brownie in your hand has crumbled until a whistle comes from behind you. You turn around a little too quickly, sending the brownie bits flying to the floor. 
“Shit.” You kneel down to begin picking it up, another hand coming into help. Charlie, based on the rings adorning the fingers. 
“Is Owen’s keeper okay?” You huff a laugh at the name the cast gave you a week into filming. You’re the only one who has managed to keep Owen in line since filming started, the only reason he’s ever on time for anything or actually has real food in the apartment or has his drumsticks when needed, etc. etc. 
The boys didn’t want PA’s when Kenny proposed it during bootcamp, they were young adults, they didn't want to boss someone around, it felt wrong. But having more experience than the boys, Kenny vetoed how they felt and told them PA’s would help tremendously, especially on a project like this. That’s where you came in. You were trying to get into the directing and producing scene in Hollywood, you’re dream to be as good a director as Steven Spielberg or, well, Kenny Ortega. But you knew you had to start small, so you applied for a PA job on an upcoming Netflix show, getting hired within the week. Now here you are, a nineteen year old being in charge of another nineteen year old who acts more like he’s five. 
In the beginning, it was purely professional. You were nothing more than his PA who got him from place A to place B in a timely fashion. But then he started to rope you into pranks with the rest of the band. He started inviting you to movie nights, and adventures to the grocery store, and ice skating with Charlie and Madi, and somewhere between helping him keep his life in order and watching him fall on his ass at the ice rink, you fell for the blonde. You know it’s a mistake, falling for him. You work for him. He’s your friend. That’s all he sees you as, but you couldn’t help it. But you’re good at compartmentalizing, so you took all the inappropriate feelings, shoved them in a box, locked the box, and hid it deep in your unconscious. You were doing well with ignoring the box, until you walked in on Owen kissing someone that wasn’t you. 
“I’m fine Charlie, just, stressed. Owen was an hour late to hair and makeup so I kinda feel like a shit PA right now.” Charlie chuckles and hugs you as you both stand up. 
“Please Y/N, you’re the best PA. If it weren’t for you, Owen would never know where anything is, including his head.” You laugh into his shoulder, reveling in the hug for a few more seconds. When you part, you see a flash of blonde enter the set and sigh in relief. He made it. He’s ready. You’re not fired today. 
Just incredibly confused and upset. 
But not fired.
“You better go, I know you’re in this scene with Owen.” Charlie nods and squeezes your shoulder once before running after Owen onto the set that holds Julie’s shed. Taking a deep breath, you try to push whatever the hell you saw ten minutes ago into your box, and get ready for the day ahead. 
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Four hours, six brownies, and two cookies later, Owen is officially wrapped for the day, meaning you can go home and continue to eat your feelings in ice cream. You’re quick to grab your binder full of Owen’s schedules to drop tomorrow’s off at his trailer before he sees you. You’re not really in the mood to talk to him about what happened earlier, so you fast walk to his trailer, fully intent on just leaving the paper on his counter where he’ll see it, but a brown haired, green eyed girl throws that plan right out the window. 
You’re so stupid. You should’ve known she would still be here. Waiting. 
“Oh, um, hi.” She says. She sounds nice. She looks nice. But when you look at her all you can see is her hands in Owen’s hair and his lips on hers. 
“Hi.” You don’t know how, but you managed to put on a smile and put a little pep into your voice. “I’m Ashley. I’m waiting for Owen. Is he done?” You nod, not trusting your voice as you stand awkwardly in the doorway, one foot on the step the other in the trailer, hand outstretched ready to place the schedule on the table. 
“He just wrapped for the day. Should be here in a few.” The girl - Ashley - nods. 
“You’re Y/N, right? His personal assistant?” How does she know that. She giggles, “He talks about you all the time. Says the only reason he’s not fired or dead in a ditch is because of you.” OH, you said that aloud. Coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoo-
“Y/N! What are ya doing just standing in the doorway?” Fuck. You put a smile on and turn around. He’s smiling softly at you, still in Alex’s clothes, twirling those damn drumsticks around his fingers. 
“Um, just dropping tomorrow’s schedule off. Here. Okay...bye.” You walk down the steps, letting the door shut behind you, fully intent on leaving, but Owen grabs your arm again, just like earlier, causing you to stop and turn to look at him. 
“Wait. Can we talk real quick. About...earlier?” No. No absolutely not. 
“Um, I really have to go. I have a lot to do tonight for tomorrow.” Owen sighs and lets go of your arm, face contorting into that of a sad puppy. 
“Just, one minute Y/N. Please. Let me explain.” Screw him and his perfect freaking face. 
“A minute.” His face lights up and grabs your hand, leading you back into his trailer, smiling even wider at seeing Ashley sitting pretty on the couch. 
“Y/N, this is Ashley, my girlfriend.” Ashley smiles and waves, standing up to stand by Owen and grab his hand. A rock settles in your chest at the word. 
Girlfriend. 
Girlfriend. 
Girlfriend. 
“Nice. I’m Y/N. But you knew that. Just like you also know I’m in charge of getting him to places on time. Which didn't happen today.” Owen’s face flushes at that while Ashley terribly hides a smirk behind her hand. 
“Uh, yeah, sorry about that Y/N. She surprised me today. We weren’t supposed to see each other until Thanksgiving but she finished classes early and flew out to surprise me. Kinda got, caught up in -” His face is beat red so you’re quick to cut him off. 
“It’s fine. Just, try not to get ‘caught up’ tomorrow, yeah?” It’s harsh and full of hostility, but you want to leave, the word still bouncing around in your head, swirling around the scene you walked into earlier. 
Girlfriend. 
Kissing. 
Girlfriend. 
Flushed face. 
Girlfriend. 
Kissing. 
“I have to go. See you tomorrow on set at 5 Am. Got it? Five A M. Don’t make me break into your apartment again. I almost got arrested for that.” Owen is still reeling from your harsh words said a second ago to laugh at the memory. Ashley however, has no qualms about speaking up. 
“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure he’s here on time.” She smiles and wraps around his arm like a koala. You hold back a scoff, throwing up a fake smile before turning and leaving. 
Girlfriend. 
Girlfriend. 
Girlfriend. 
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It’s almost midnight.
It’s 11:48 PM and someone is knocking on your door. 
Who the fuck is pounding on your door at near midnight. 
You shuffle to the door wrapped up in your comforter, wiping the sleep out of your eyes. You don’t bother looking through the peephole, too angry at the person behind the door to bother, just wanting to yell at them and get back to bed. 
“What the - Charlie?” He looks exhausted, hair ruffled and eyes puffy. He’s in joggers, a random band tee and his denim jacket. You’re pretty sure his shoes are on the wrong feet. 
“Can I stay the night?” He doesn’t wait for your response before walking into your apartment, flinging his shoes and jacket off and walking to your room. You sigh, ignoring the way he just threw his stuff around and instead follow him to your room before he takes your side of the bed. You walk in just as he chucks his shirt off and woah. You were so not expecting that. An explanation as to why he’s here at midnight? Yeah. Him taking your side of the bed? Definitely. But not Charlie taking his shirt off and crawling onto the right side of the bed and curling around a pillow. You take a moment to collect yourself and your thoughts before crawling into bed next to him, making sure to drape the comforter over him as well. He hums in content and turns around to face you. 
“Sorry for barging in like this. Just, ugh, Owen and that girl are not quiet if you catch my drift.” And it’s like the rock in your heart is now a boulder and it’s crushing your ribcage. You can’t breathe. You can’t think. You’re frozen, staring at Charlie’s half asleep face. “Like I get it, you’ve missed each other. But c’mon bro I’m there too.” He keeps talking. Keeps pushing the boulder until all the ribs crack and puncture your lungs. “There’s somethings in this world I never wanted to hear, and Owen moaning was one of them.” He won’t shut up. Charlie shut up. You’re entire chest is fracturing, breaking at his words and he needs to shut. up.
“I didn’t really know where else to go, but I remembered how comfy your bed was last movie night so, here I am.” His voice is raspy, words slurring as he’s trying to fight sleep to explain to you why he’s here. But you can’t focus on him right now. Can’t think about a shirtless Charlie in your bed. There’s only one thing you can think about right now. 
Girlfriend. 
Shirtless. 
Girlfriend. 
Kissing. 
Girlfriend. 
“Thanks for letting me crash by the way. I’ll try not to kick you in my sleep.” He chuckles, then finally opens his eyes when you don’t laugh back. You don’t know how you look right now. You know you’re frozen. But is the panic and pure sadness showing on your face? It must be, because suddenly Charlie is wide awake and leaning up on his elbow to look at you fully. “Y/N are you okay?” He’s worried. You want to tell him you’re okay. It’s fine. Everything is fine. But you can’t move. You can’t talk. Because reality is crushing you. It’s ripping up your heart, suffocating you, consuming your mind. 
Owen isn’t yours. 
Owen will never be yours. 
You’re just a friend. 
You’re just his PA. 
That’s when the tears finally start. They come slowly, one trailing down your cheek, then another. Then all at once your sobbing into Charlie’s chest, no doubt getting snot all over him. But he doesn’t seem to care. He just starts to hum some random song while he repeatedly runs his hand over your hair, the other holding you close to him. He keeps humming, his chest vibrating and giving you something to focus on that isn’t your depressing thoughts. It’s almost soothing, the petting and the hug and the humming. 
You don’t know how long you sob into him, but when you stop, his humming stops too. He still holds you close, just lets go of your head so you can lean back a little and look up at him. He’s brows furrow in concern and he pouts at your post-crying face. 
“Are you okay? Am I really that bad of company?” He tries for funny but you can’t bring yourself to laugh with him. Just pout and push his semi-wet chest. “Seriously Y/N, i’ve never seen you like this. What’s wrong?” Those two words. 
What’s wrong?
What’s wrong? I fell for my boss and now he’s doing it with some girl and I can’t stop thinking about them and it’s killing me because before I could live with being his friend and PA because at least there was some sliver of a chance but now there’s nothing because he has someone and I have no one and I can’t breathe because oh my god I love him. I love that stupid fool and i’m nothing but his personal assistant. 
It’s quiet for a minute, too quiet, and that’s when you realize you said all that out loud. You look up at Charlie, which was a mistake because his face is full of pity. It’s all sad puppy eyes and “Shit Y/N i’m so sorry.” A fresh wave of tears make their way out of your eyes, but Charlie is quick to wipe them away. 
“Y/N I didn’t know I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have said all of that, God I was so stupid.” And then it’s like a whole new flood gate opens, this one full of laughter though. You start with a chuckle, but soon it’s full out belly laughing. Because Charlie isn’t the stupid one here. “I’m the stupid one. I mean, how idiotic does a PA have to be to fall for the one they’re in charge of? Never mix work with pleasure. It’s PA-ing 101, don’t fall for your boss. I’m so fucking stupid to ever fall for him or think he’d like me back because i’m just his stupid PA who has no talent what so ever, never has a good hair day, can’t go a day without eating their weight in sugar, and will never see him again after filming is wrapped.” Your laughing dies down by the end, and then ends completely when you see the look on Charlie’s face. It’s not exactly pity, but it’s not exactly sadness either. It’s hard to describe what exactly it is, but it’s not good. 
“Y/N. Babes. I don’t ever want to hear you talk about yourself like that again, okay? I swear to God next time I hear anything like that come out of your mouth again, I’m hitting you with a pillow.” You giggle, but he stays serious. “Dead ass Y/N. Listen, was it probably not the smartest to fall for Owen? Yeah. But you didn’t know he had someone. I didn’t even know he had a girl and I’m his roommate. But, we can’t help who we like. It’s all brain chemistry and heart palpitations and whatever else. It’s something we can’t control. So don’t say you’re stupid because of something you can’t control.” 
“You’re being really smart and caring for twelve am.” You both chuckle, a real smile gracing your face for once in the past twelve hours. 
“I’m sorry for the breakdown it’s just, there’s a lot in my head right now and what you said really didn’t help.” Charlie sighs and pulls you in close. 
“I’m sorry babes. You should’ve slapped me or something.” 
“I probably would’ve had the breakdown at some point tonight anyway.” Charlie pulls back a bit to look at you, confusion on his face. “I kinda walked in on them making out earlier when Owen was late to hair and makeup.” 
“Is that why you crushed that brownie earlier?” You sigh and nod. 
“Y/N, i’m sorry. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.” 
“It’s fine Charlie. It’s, well, it’s not but, I’ll get over it. I’m a big girl. Besides, I have you to get my tears and snot all over right?” He groans while you giggle, but he isn’t really mad if the way he pulls you close and rests his face in your hair is any indication. 
“Always babes.” 
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The next day you drive to set with Charlie who didn’t have to be on set at five like Owen, but joined you nonetheless. Taking his duty as your new ‘heartguard’ as he called it last night, you walk to hair and makeup with his arm around your shoulders. It’s comforting, even though he’s putting most of his weight on you because he’s exhausted, the coffee you gave him this morning clearly doing nothing to wake up. 
“Charlie, you could’ve stayed in bed until you were actually needed.” You laugh as he trips up the steps to the trailer, nearly face planting if it weren’t for you wrapping your arms around his waist last minute. 
“Char you good?” You hear BooBoo ask. Charlie grumbles something incoherent and shoves his face into your neck as you lean against the arm of the couch. BooBoo laughs, so do you, but quickly sober up when Owen walks in, Ashley on his arm. Charlie must have ESP or something because, without looking up at who walked in, he wraps his arms around your waist and murmurs in your ear, “Deep breaths. I’m here.” You do as he says, shooting Owen a friendly smile, but dropping it as he frowns at you. 
What is that about? 
“Glad to see you on time Owen. I wouldn’t have been able to break in this morning anyway because an octopus decided to break into my own apartment last night.” You ruffle Charlie’s hair as you say that and he grumbles some more, playfully biting your neck as well. ��Ow. Asshole.” Owen frowns even deeper at that, while BooBoo chuckles. He get’s scolded a second later for moving. 
“So that’s where you disappeared to last night. I was wondering why you weren’t home this morning.” Owen’s voice is tight while he says it, Ashley noticing as well if the tightened grip on his arm is anything to go by. Charlie squeezes your waist as a way to say, ‘prepare yourself’ before he moves his head to lean against your shoulder so he can talk. 
“Yeah well, I wouldn’t have had to if you and your girl weren’t so freaking loud.” You tense up, mind starting to reel again, but a squeeze to your waist and a warm breath on your neck manages to bring you back. The trailer goes quiet, even the hair and makeup ladies tensing up and sensing the tension. Charlie, ever the wrong place, wrong time type of guy, grabs your hand and places it on his hair, then moves it back and forth. 
“Pet me.” Despite the tension in the room, you can’t help but giggle at the stupid Canadian boy wrapped around you. Apparently that’s all the rest of the people in the trailer needed to go back to what they were doing. That or they just didn’t want to get involved in young adult drama. You shoot a look at Owen, his jaw tense and hands clenched into fists. Completely ignoring the way Ashley leans up to kiss Owen’s neck, you open your phone and begin to read off his schedule for the day, your left hand still running through Charlie’s hair. 
“Hair and makeup at five AM, sit your butt down and let Shelly do her thing, costume fitting right after. First scene at six-thirty with BooBoo, you guys are doing the scene at the Orpheum where you talk about what’s been going on, you’re going to be sad so this whole frowny face you got going on? Keep it. A break after that then rehearsal with Charlie, Jer, and Mads for Stand Tall. Fitting for the Stand Tall suit is after that, but no actual filming for that scene yet, just getting the measures right so after that, you’re done for the day.” You take a deep breath after all that, BooBoo whistling at you from his seat. 
“You could be an auctioneer with how fast you talk.” You smile and bow your head at him.
“I’ll take that as a compliment Boo.” He shoots you a smile and then raises his hand to high five Owen as he sits next to him. Owen ignores him. In fact, he stays silent throughout all of getting his hair and makeup done. Only smiling occasionally when Ashley shows him a meme on her phone. You watch them, the boulder in your chest rolling around as you do so. But not for jealousy, no, for concern. Owen is acting very unlike himself. You may be upset right now, especially with him, but it doesn’t mean you still don’t see him as a friend; still don’t worry about him. Something is wrong, and you can’t help but feel like it’s your fault. 
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“So did it work?” You jump in surprise at the voice behind you, the cookie in your hand crumbling and falling onto the table. 
“Charlie! What did I say about sneaking up on me?” You turn to look at the boy who is smiling too wide at you for you to think this is about to be a completely innocent conversation. 
“Did it work?” He’s practically vibrating where he stands.
“Did what work?” 
“The cuddling this morning? Didn’t you see Owen? He was totally jealous.” And - what? That’s why he was so touchy this morning? 
“I just thought you were tired, that was - you were trying to make Owen jealous? Charlie what the hell? He has a girlfriend!” Charlie rolls his eyes and loops his arm around yours, dragging you away from the cookies and towards the costume room. 
“Yeah, but we both know she shouldn’t be. And the way he was acting this morning? I think he’s starting to realize that too.” There’s no way...right? No, the way Charlie described last night...no. 
“No, okay, he was probably just tired and angry about having to be here so early.” Yeah, that’s it. He was not jealous of the friendly cuddling you and Charlie were doing. Totally...not. Holy shit. You hear Charlie giggling in your ear as you enter costume. 
There, in front of you, is a very shirtless, very toned, very pretty Owen Joyner.
“You’re welcome.” Then Charlie is off to God knows where. Leaving you alone with Owen. Well, not really alone since Soyon is here too, running around looking for different fabrics and textures to throw on Owen. A still very shirtless Owen. 
“Oh, hi Y/N. What are you doing here?” Owen asks, looking at you though the floor length mirror in front of him. He’s not smiling at you, but he’s not frowning either, so improvement from this morning. 
“Oh, um, just making sure you got here on time. And look at that. You did! Good job.” You clap, who knows why, but it makes Owen laugh, which, whew, okay. 
“Yeah, I reminded him.” A voice behind you says. You turn and look at Ashley walking in, coffee cup in hand. She bounces up to Owen, ignoring Soyon and placing a big, wet kiss onto his lips before moving to the couch off to the side. Owen seems shocked by the PDA, which makes sense, you know he’s not big on that, remembering one late night conversation you both had a few weeks ago. 
“Anyway, Y/N, how does this one looks. I think the ruffles are nice. And then when he’s performing Stand Tall we can,” and then she begins to unbutton the shirt all the way down to mid chest and okay, seriously Soyon, now you just want to torture me. 
“I like this.” Owen says, twirling in the mirror like a ballerina. This causes the shirt to fling open more, showing his chest more in the process.
Deep breaths. 
Be a friend. 
You’re a big girl. 
“Yeah. It’s good,” you say, walking over to him to tuck to the sides back together somewhat. “Are you going to keep with the pink theme for the jacket?” Soyon smiles and nods, walking away for a minute leaving you alone with Owen and Ashley. 
“Should it really be unbuttoned that much? I mean, it is a kids show? I don’t want to share my boy with fangirls.” Ashley says. You can’t stop your eyes from rolling or the scoff that leaves your mouth. You watch Owen’s Adam's apple bob as he gulps. 
“Please, Charlie is sleeveless for a majority of the show. Owen showing a little chest isn’t gonna hurt anyone. Besides, Soyon chose good. The way the shirt fits and settles it’s never going to open all the way. Unless, ya know, he twirls like some Carolynn Rowland wannabe.” You smile up at Owen and inhale sharply when you see he’s already looking down at you. “And with the jacket on it’ll stay put pretty well.” You’re still holding the shirt in your hands, looking at Owen’s face as you talk. For a second, it’s just you and him, looking at each other, smiling. Then Soyon comes back and clears her throat. The trance breaks and you back up. You wipe your sweaty hands on your jeans before backing up and standing next to the mirror. You feel eyes on you and look over to see Ashely glaring at you. 
“Here we go. One pink jacket to match.” Owen slides it on and smiles wide. You have to say, it looks good. Professionally speaking of course. 
“Soyon, have I ever said how freaking amazing you are. I mean, this is really good looking. Very Alex.” Owen praises. He’s smiling and it’s a nice sight after this mornings debacle. 
“Alex is going to be the best looking one on that stage.” Owen looks over at you, his smile still there, and the boulder shrinks three sizes. 
“Still think the shirt should be buttoned.” Ashley mutters. But everyone ignores her, even Owen, who does another twirl in front of the mirror. 
“Well then, you’re all set Owen. Go ahead and change and I’ll see you tomorrow.” Soyon leaves, going off to do costume designer things, leaving you alone with Owen and Ashley again. Owen takes the jacket off, then looks around not knowing what to do with it. You sigh and smile softly, taking it from him.
“Here, just give me all the clothes and i’ll take them back to your rack.” He smiles thankfully at you, before frowning again and looking down at his outfit. Getting what he’s thinking, you chuckle and cross your arms. “Bub I just saw you shirtless it’s not a big deal. Now c’mon, give me the clothes before Soyon thinks you’re stealing them.” Owen looks up at you in a way you’ve never seen him look at you before. It makes you take a sharp breath in.
“Maybe you should go. I can give the clothes to Soyon. Don’t you have assistant duties to do?” Ashley is right next to you as she says it. It makes your ears hurt and hands clench. You’re quick to unclench though, not wanting to wrinkle the nice pink jacket. Ashley moves forward to unbutton Owen’s shirt all the way, but he grabs her hand before she can begin. 
“Actually I need Y/N to stay. I have to talk to her about some, ya know, assistant stuff. And besides, she knows where Alex’s rack is and that’s where the clothes have to go. Why don’t you go wait for me in the trailer, I’ll be there in a few.” 
I need Y/N to stay. 
That shouldn’t make you feel as warm and tingly as it does. 
Ashley scoffs and looks away, clearly trying to guilt trip him. Owen sighs and kisses her cheek.  
“Trailer. Ten minutes.” Ashley sighs before nodding and finally leaving. He watches her go, then turns back to you when she finally disappears. You clear your throat and he looks back at you, face a bit red. 
“Um, hey.” You chuckle. 
“Hi.” He nods, and you sigh, walking so you’re right in front of him. “Seriously, O, you need to get this off because if they’re not on the rack for Soyon to fix up by the end of the day it’s my head on a stick, not yours.” Then you’re unbuttoning his shirt. 
You’re unbuttoning. His shirt. You don’t realize you’re doing it until you hand grazes his navel when you untuck it from his pants. You hear him suck in a breath and you immediately take two steps back. 
“Sorry, um. Sorry that was not, um, -” 
“It’s okay. You were just, doing your job. Making sure I get stuff done on time, right?” But his voice is wobbly as he says it and his face is as red as a tomato. You couldn’t have made him that flushed, not you? 
“Right. Yeah. Um, so, pants?” Owen looks at you with wide eyes. “I need to take the pants back too.” It’s quiet, but you know he heard you because he nods his head and begins to unbutton them. You suddenly feel very hot, very suffocated. You should’ve left when you had the chance, just let Ashley do this. You shouldn’t be here, watching as he pulls the velvet pants down his legs. Watching as he steps out of them and - oh God he’s falling. You grab his hand to help him but it’s too late, you both tumble to the ground. You’re on top of him, smushed up against his bare chest, faces centimeters apart, sharing breaths. 
“Sorry.” You mumble. You watch him gulp and look down. Down at wha - oh. 
“It’s, it’s okay. I’m the one that fell and pulled you down.” You nod, causing your nose to brush against his. You’re close, so freaking close that if you were to move not even a full centimeter, your lips would touch.
So. 
Close. 
“What. The. Hell!” SHit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 
You’re quick to scramble away from Owen, butt scooting across the floor to get as far away from him as possible. Owen jumps up, kicking the pants away then realizing that was probably not a smart idea because now he’s half naked in between Ashley and you.  
“Ash I -” 
“You were taking forever, wanted to know why. Thought you said there was nothing between you two?” She’s practically screeching. You know within minutes there will be a crowd. A crowd Owen will not want, his anxiety will not want. Ignoring his stuttering and the conversation in general, you push away the heat in your belly and the tingling in your spine and take a deep breath. 
Deep breath. 
Be a friend. Do your job.
You grab Owen’s clothes and put them in his hands, ignoring his speaking and Ashley ranting, you grab his hand and then hers, and shove them towards the back exit. 
“This is a trailer conversation, not a wardrobe fitting conversation. Leave, now.” 
“No, I have a lot to say -” 
“Listen to me, I’m trying to do my job and not get Owen in trouble. If you really care about him, you’ll take this conversation to his trailer. Now.” Then you shove them out the door before Ashley could screech some more. 
Deep breath. 
Do your job. 
You go back to the fitting area, only to see Charlie, Jer, and Madi standing there, looking confused. 
Deep breath.
Do your job.
“Hey guys. Owen just left. He and Ashley are having a date night.” Charlie gives you a look, but Jer and Madi nod, going to accept it, but Charlie has to open his big dumb Canadian mouth. 
“Why’d we hear screaming then?” Charlie questions. Jer and Madi look at each other, then back at you. 
“Oh, uh, mouse. I saw a mouse. Yep. Mouse. Anyway, I have to get this clothes hung up before they wrinkle, so excuse me.” 
Deep breath. 
Do your job.
You walk around the trio, gathering the suit and shaking everything out as you walk over to the Alex rack to hang them up. You hear the door to the room open and two sets of feet walking out. 
“Charlie, everything is fine okay? Just a little misunderstanding.” 
“Like?” You sigh and turn around from finishing hanging up the clothes. 
“Like...Owen kinda fell and when I went to help him I feel too...on top of him.” There’s silence then, 
“OH MY GOD! Y/N THAT’S LIKE FANFIC SHIT THAT WAS THE MOMENT! DID YOU KISS OH MY GOD TELL ME EVERYTHING!” He’s jumping up and down as he makes his way to you. 
“Ashley walked in.” All excitement stops.
“Oh shit.” You nod, walking past him to settle on the couch, pulling a pillow to your chest. 
“Yeah. And she started screeching and I knew Owen wouldn’t like to attention so I shoved them out the back door to his trailer.” Charlie’s arm goes around you, pulling you close. He goes to say something, but your phone ringing indicating a text from Owen stops him. You pull it out, opening it as Charlie watches over your shoulder. 
My trailer plz. 
Charlie starts shaking your shoulders, smiling like a maniac. “This is your chance Y/N go go GO!” you shake your head at Charlie’s antics, but leave nonetheless. 
Anxiety creeps up on you as you get closer and closer to his trailers, not knowing what you’re going to walk into. Him firing you? Saying you can’t be friends anymore? Ashley ready to claw your face off? 
Deep breath.
Be a friend.
You knock on his door. It opens a second later to a frantic looking Owen. Now you're anxious about him. Why does he look upset? Is he okay? He grabs your hand and pulls you into his, oh, empty trailer. Ashley is nowhere to be seen. 
“Hey, thanks for coming.” You nod, still looking around expecting her to jump out and slap you. “Um, sit. Sit, I have to talk to you about something.” You go to sit on the couch, but then remember what occurred there yesterday and instead lean against the counter. He notices but doesn’t say anything. 
“Yeah okay. What’s up?” You try to act nonchalant, but the anxiety is too high for that. ‘I have to talk to you about something’ never ends well. He walks over and sits on the bed pats the spot next to him. God, this can’t be a good conversation if he really wants you to sit. 
“Ashley and I were never...on here.” He mumbles. You walk over and sit next to him, blushing that he caught on to why you didn’t sit on the couch. 
“Must be serious if you need me to sit.” Owen takes a deep breath, another, another, and then there’s lips on your. They’re soft and nice and taste like carmex chapstick. 
“Mhm, Owen, what, what are you doing?” Your faces are still close together, both of you not wanting to back away yet. 
“I’m gonna talk. Okay I’m gonna talk and I want you to listen and not crawl inside your head too soon okay?” You nod, knowing in this moment you’d do anything to keep him this close. 
“I knew Ashley from high school. She started texting me a few weeks back and one thing led to another and she was calling me her boyfriend. I didn’t want it but it happened and I let it because it got my mind off a girl I shouldn’t like because it would ruin so many things. I didn’t know she was coming to visit and when she knocked on my trailer she jumped me and just kept going. And I just went along with everything yesterday because I’m supposed to be her boyfriend and I’m supposed to think about those things with her and I’m supposed to want those things with her, but I don’t Y/N. I don’t want those things with her I never did. I, I want them with you. I’ve wanted them with you from the moment you finally stopped being shy around me and dragged me from crafts by my ear to hair and makeup. You’re so amazing Y/N and I thought if I did anything I’d ruin this and ruin your career and I didn’t want that. I never wanted that so I went along with Ashley but I shouldn’t have because the whole time I was thinking about you. It’s always been -” You kiss him. You grab him by the cheeks and kiss him. It’s a passionate kiss, an ‘about time’ kiss, an ‘i’m never letting you go’ kiss. 
You only break away when you can’t breathe, and even then you only pull away enough to breath in each other’s air. 
“She left. She’s gone. She knew I was never 100% in.” You nod, but you’re not really listening. You can’t hear anything other than your heartbeat. 
He likes you. 
Owen likes you.
Owen kissed you. 
“It’s always been you, Y/N.” You smile. It’s a big one that you have to hamper down by biting your lip. Owen smiles back, then you’re kissing again. 
And again. 
And again.
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