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#abuserecoverycoach
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I didn’t know the term “gaslighting” until ~3 years ago. The first time I heard about it was in context to abusive romantic relationships, but as soon as I learned what it was it was like lightbulbs and bells went off in my head. 🚨 I finally had a term to explain my mother’s abuse. 💡 Growing up, I would try to talk to friends (and sometimes people I had just met😅) about the things my mom would say or do. How she’d say I could borrow a portable DVD player and then scream at me for using it because she never said I could. Or how she would hide food and water from me and if I asked about it she’d say “I don’t know.” or “We never had that.” Or how I’d describe a very specific memory (like being the flower girl in her wedding) and she’d say, “no you’re remembering it wrong.” (Oohhhh this one grinded my gears. Check out a post from August for the full story.) And in response I’d hear, “oh yeah, my mom’s such a bitch too.” Or “yeah all moms suck, right?” I didn’t feel like they actually understood. Not only did I have a term for her abuse but I had a definition and EXAMPLES of emotional manipulation. I didn’t know the things my mom used to say or do were a form of abuse—all I knew was that it made me feel like I was crazy, it rubbed me the wrong way, and that I was so fucking frustrated I couldn’t explain myself. And now I can. And I hope that this helps at least one person find the words. I hope the bells and whistles go off and the stars align. You are NOT crazy. You are NOT overreacting. You DO make sense. - - - - - - #gaslighting #gaslightingawareness #gaslight #gaslightingisabuse #littlebentnotbroken #reparenting #innerchild #innerchildwork #innerchildhealing #woundedinnerchild #innerchildhealingcoach #innerchildcoach #childhoodabuse #emotionalabuse #mentalabuse #abuserecoverycoach #narcissisticparents #emotionallyimmatureparents #selfhealing #selfhealers #healingjourney #healingmission #generationaltrauma #cyclebreakers #traumarecovery #motherwound #mentalhealthmatters #youmatter #youmakesense https://www.instagram.com/p/CHYthlcjg1N/?igshid=swbvwuzroche
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xarablack · 4 years
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I know, I’m horrible at uploading pictures. Even though I take pretty good ones 😛 . . . . #sapiosexual #confidenceiskey #confidenceisbeautiful #confidenceisattractive #womensupportingwomen #empowermentcoaching #femaleempowermentcoach #womensempowermentcoach #transformationalcoach #transformationalcoaching #justdoit #loveyourselfmore #enjoyyourlife #femaleentrepreneurs #bossbabes #yummymummies #yummymommy #freespirit #seekingwisdom #lawofattraction #nlppractitioner #nlpcoaching #abuserecoverycoach #positivevibrations #esotericknowledge #spiritualtruth #fashionblogger #fashioninspo https://www.instagram.com/p/CFoeGkTJQ0V/?igshid=13o3fpe77ebsd
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“Family is everything” (in relation to family of origin or blood family) is one of my least favorite phrases, right next to “that’s just the way it is / they are.” For some people, family does mean everything to them. In healthy family dynamics, this bond and loyalty is not used to manipulate or shame. But for others, like myself, this phrase was thrown around to manipulate us into tolerating abuse or being further submissive to our abuser. “Well, that’s just the way your mom is” or “she’s your mom, you better respect her” or “she did so much for you stop being ungrateful.” I disliked family gatherings, Mother’s Day, and my mom’s birthday. I felt physically ill having to plaster on a smile and pretend I loved my mom and shower her with gifts when deep down there was a boiling, festering anger that wanted to shout the truth at everyone. I wanted them to know how much pain she was causing me. When I was about 5 or 6, I did tell my grandma about the things my mom would do—at the time a lot of physical abuse. And then my grandma proceeded to tell my mom and then I would be punished. So I never talked to another adult about it for years. So, dear reader, if you’re from a similar family or have a similar experience, I see you. I hear your pain and frustration. So together, let’s stand up for ourselves and say NO, even if our voices shake. You’re not alone. Choosing ourselves isn’t disrespectful or selfish. Setting boundaries isn’t disrespectful or selfish. Family, or friends, is not a valid reason to sacrifice your emotional or mental well-being. And on a similar note, I also want to mention that this same “family is everything” manipulation tactic can be used in friendships too. Be wary of those. #littlebentnotbroken #reparenting #innerchild #innerchildwork #innerchildhealing #woundedinnerchild #childhoodabuse #emotionalabuse #mentalabuse #abuserecoverycoach #narcissisticparents #emotionallyimmatureparents #selfhealing #selfhealers #healingjourney #healingmission #generationaltrauma #cyclebreakers #traumarecovery #motherwound #mentalhealthmatters #youmatter #manipulators #manipulation #motherwound #motherwoundhealing #holidays2020 https://www.instagram.com/p/CIBhnC_jEdZ/?igshid=1pk1pd0k9llbo
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Two things can be true at the same time. This is a philosophy that I think is very important to the healing journey. In this case, my mother having trauma doesn’t negate her abuse toward me. Two things can be true at the same time: my mother is human with her own trauma AND she processed her unhealed trauma in a harmful and abusive manner. While trauma EXPLAINS why my mom acts or reacts the way she does, it does not EXCUSE her abuse. This is not me being cold or callous. I have compassionately accepted my mom is an imperfect human, just like me, just like you. But someone’s past doesn’t give them a pass from the harm they cause in the present. My trauma doesn’t excuse me from lashing out or being a dick to people. So hers doesn’t either. How my mom handles her unhealed trauma is not my responsibility. Only my healing is my responsibility. I have acknowledged my trauma and wounds and have begun healing them because I recognized how these wounds showed up in a harmful way to myself and those around me. I have taken my trauma and molded it into something processable. I didn’t let it sit, stagnant, as an excuse for my actions. And I won’t let anyone ever excuse someone else’s harmful actions because of their past. We aren’t in the past. We’re in the here and now. If we’re replaying old dynamics in every relationship we come into, we’re simply recycling the abuse and continuing the cycle. Again, trauma can EXPLAIN actions and reactions AND it does not EXCUSE actions and reactions. #littlebentnotbroken #reparenting #innerchild #innerchildwork #innerchildhealing #woundedinnerchild #innerchildhealingcoach #innerchildcoach #childhoodabuse #emotionalabuse #mentalabuse #abuserecoverycoach #narcissisticparents #emotionallyimmatureparents #selfhealing #selfhealers #healingjourney #healingmission #generationaltrauma #cyclebreakers #traumarecovery #motherwound #mentalhealthmatters #youmatter https://www.instagram.com/p/CGqjM1sDTjT/?igshid=1izqp955qu94j
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*ahem* “That’s just the way it is” is not an excuse to uphold harmful behaviors and habits. “That’s just the way he/she/they is/are” is not an excuse for abuse. That’s all, that’s the caption. #littlebentnotbroken #reparenting #innerchild #innerchildwork #innerchildhealing #woundedinnerchild #innerchildhealingcoach #innerchildcoach #childhoodabuse #emotionalabuse #mentalabuse #abuserecoverycoach #selfhealing #selfhealers #healingjourney #healingmission #generationaltrauma #cyclebreakers #traumarecovery #motherwound #mentalhealthmatters #youmatter #parenting #consciousparenting #narcissisticparents #emotionallyimmatureparents https://www.instagram.com/p/CGnqBuOjKIS/?igshid=1tv4ey3hnr1bq
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Humans are complex. We can hold two conflicting feelings at once. We can say one thing and do another. And by nature, relationships are complex—parental, romantic, friendship, you name it. Two things can be true at the same time. This is a philosophy that I think is very important to the healing journey. My mother was my caregiver AND she was abusive and did not meet my needs. These things don’t negate each other. My mother is capable of love AND she did not express her love for me in a way I understood or needed. These things do not negate the other. My mother called me her “miracle baby” to her friends and coworkers AND called me a “fucking ingrate bitch” to my face. Our parents might’ve done the best they could AND we can still have wounds. AND holds space for both truths. BUT negates one truth, which can be harmful to healing. Okay, weird analogy: Have you ever noticed in improv, the number one rule is to accept a current reality (even if that person didn’t create it) and just go with it? “Yes, and” drives the plot forward and accepts what happened before (usually a reality created by someone else) and creates room the next person’s reality and everyone accepts it (well, they have to in improv. Real life is a little more complex, but I hope you get what I’m trying to say). I think that’s very similar to the healing process. Yes = accepting (not forgiving or dismissing) a truth (even if it’s not your truth) about person/past event And = expressing your truth in the same sphere Yes, my mother is a human being with her own trauma who parented the way she was parented AND it does not excuse her harmful actions to my upbringing and now I healing those wounds. What are some of your Yes, And’s? #littlebentnotbroken #reparenting #innerchild #innerchildwork #innerchildhealing #woundedinnerchild #innerchildhealingcoach #innerchildcoach #childhoodabuse #emotionalabuse #mentalabuse #abuserecoverycoach #selfhealing #selfhealers #healingjourney #healingmission #generationaltrauma #cyclebreakers #traumarecovery #motherwound #mentalhealthmatters #youmatter https://www.instagram.com/p/CGifE-pDYuc/?igshid=1w2sn580mlxl8
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As humans we are biologically wired for connection and community. This post focuses on those unhealthy, harmful, or codependent relationships. For me, these thoughts actually stemmed from it being National Pug Day 😂 While our pug was the family dog, he was really MY dog. We had a connection unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. He’d climb into my lap when I started crying, pushed homework off the bed when I hit burn out—it was like he could read my mind. When I moved out I wasn’t allowed to take him with me and not having him around sent me into another bout with depression. I was thinking (and crying) about how much I miss him—even though he’s not far away and I could visit him. (But it’s not the same.) And a thought occurred to me: What about him do I miss so much that it’s reopening this wound? That I’m sobbing at 9am looking at his pictures? Then that got me thinking about how sometimes we miss old relationships (with people usually) or relationships that could’ve/should’ve/would’ve been and we seek that dynamic out in other people. For the longest time I looked for a mother figure in other people. And then I learned that I could be my own parent because what I wanted was someone to love me and support me unconditionally. So I decided to love myself and support myself unconditionally. I guess in a lot of ways I miss my dog because he could read my mind and I felt understood. And right now I’ve been having a really hard time communicating and speaking my mind. I just want someone to look at me and just GET IT and know exactly what I need. But I know I can do that for myself. With time and patience, and some introspection, I’ll be able to understand myself a little bit better. Instead of feeling frustrated I can’t articulate to even myself, I will examine myself with ease. . . . #reparenting #innerchild #innerchildwork #innerchildhealing #woundedinnerchild #innerchildhealingcoach #innerchildcoach #childhoodabuse #emotionalabuse #mentalabuse #abuserecoverycoach #selfhealing #selfhealers #healingjourney #healingmission #generationaltrauma #cyclebreakers #traumarecovery #motherwound #mentalhealthmatters #codependency #relationalhealing https://www.instagram.com/p/CGYOY6BDyMI/?igshid=1i822qn7lf23v
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Anyone else relate? Growing up, it really sucked hearing all my friends say how their mom was their best friend. It pained me that the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally and be there for me, wasn’t. I remember being so mad about it as a kid. And now sometimes I get mad that I have to reparent myself now, at (almost) 25 years old. It’s frustrating that my parents couldn’t do the one thing I needed them to do as parents: help me feel loved and supported. And it’s frustrating that I feel like I’m playing catch up to simultaneously heal my wounds and cultivate self love and compassion. Of course, I’m so grateful for my journey, for healing, for getting in touch with my true self. But goddammit it’s frustrating sometimes. Weird analogy ahead but bear with me: my 11-year old dog has to wear a muzzle on walks because she’s been attacked by other dogs many times and whenever she hears or smells a dog she immediately gets very defensive. It sucks watching people steer clear of her. And it sucks even more when we’re still accosted by off leash dogs and she starts lunging and barking to protect us. I want to scream “it’s because of dogs like yours that mine has to wear a muzzle!” She’s the sweetest and most gentle dog around people. But in being a responsible dog owner, I have to take an extra step in retraining her, in protecting my, her, and other dogs’ safety while other owners let their dogs do whatever the heck they want and take no responsibility when their dog attacks mine. And that same frustration is how I feel about myself and my healing. My mom isn’t taking accountability, she isn’t healing, she isn’t changing. So it feels like I have to heal for the both of us. It’s exhausting. But I know this is the only way to break the cycle, to end the generational trauma. It ends with me. . #reparenting #innerchild #innerchildwork #innerchildhealing #woundedinnerchild #innerchildcoach #innerchildhealingcoach #childhoodabuse #emotionalabuse #mentalabuse #abuserecoverycoach #selfhealing #selfhealers #selfhealingjourney #generationaltrauma #breakingcycles #cyclebreaker #toxicparents #themotherwound #motherwound #motherwoundhealing #traumarecovery https://www.instagram.com/p/CGTHjsdjdP9/?igshid=qn4t9macnimb
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The first step in healing looks different for everyone, but what we all have in common is that there is that first step. For me, standing up after hitting rock bottom looked like admitting out loud to my doctor that I wanted to die. For others, standing up after hitting rock bottom could look like getting sober, deleting and blocking that person’s number, taking a risk and moving out/away, or just asking for help. Sometimes it could even be just taking a deep breath before standing up. *you also don’t have to hit rock bottom to heal* We all start somewhere. So wherever you are on your journey, just know that you’re not alone. Know that you are loved, you are seen, and you are heard, and your story matters. #healing #healingjourney #selfhealing #selfhealers #reparenting #innerchild #innerchildhealing #innerchildwork #woundedinnerchild #innerwork #selflove #selfcompassion #selfcare #selfawareness #consciousness #therapyiscool #cptsdrecovery #traumarecovery #mentalhealthmatters #depressionrecovery #anxietyrecovery #youmatter #abuserecovery #abuserecoverycoach #innerdialoguecoach #yourstorymatters #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthquotes #childhoodabuserecovery (at San Francisco Bay Area) https://www.instagram.com/p/CKro0Dij30c/?igshid=x34uwshf4115
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