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kendrixtermina · 4 years

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Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

#enneagram #enneagram type 5 #feelings #enneagram 5w4 #5w4

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captain-spookycandycollecti-blog · 6 years

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"Washington District of Columbia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 20204

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I have a 2010 Hyundai Elantra. Which do i do first? What are the fees for each?

Diminished Value - Dealing with Car Insurance?

I was in an accident where someone side swiped me ($5.5k worth of damage). Their insurance company paid and I just got my car back (2007 Lexus IS 250 - 29k miles). I had just purchased the car 4 weeks prior to the accident from CarMax for $27k. Out of curiosity I went back to see what CarMax would give me and they offered $18k. The car is now only 7 weeks old in my name and 3 weeks of it was in the repair shop! Does anyone have experience with dealing with car insurance companies and diminished value? I live in NC and know that it is one of the states that has diminished value. I want to recoup as much of the difference as possible and since the car is so new (to me), I am willing to get rid of it to show the loss so I don't deal with this years from now. Any advice is appreciated.""

""Out of these cars, which one will have the cheapest insurance?

Suzuki Forenza 2007 Mazda3 2005

I need cheap car insurance for Astra SRI 1.8 58 plate. I'm female with full license for 4 years.?

I use car for school run and shopping only and I park it on the street outside my house. I am 32 years old and female. Any help would be great as car insurance is beyond expensive. Thanks

Auto Insurance?

I live in California and I got an Insurnace quote for a new car from a Insurence company that is out of state. Is there a difference between buy a out of state insurance policy vs. a policy from a compnay in cali?

My freind is driving with out car insurance. Is this ok?

A freind of mine, 23yrs old, has just bought a $1000 car to get herself around from work and school. She lives alone with her sister, who is 25 and grandmother and has told me that she needs this car badly but can not afford to pay car insurance. I've been told that she can go to jail and loose her lisence. What can be done to help her out? She lives in florida USA.""

What is a good affordable health plan to get?

I am a single 25 year old healthy male. Are there any truly affordable health plans out there for me? And don't say that $300 a month is affordable, because its not. I don't need any major medical coverage. I haven't had insurance for 6 years and haven't been to the doctor in those six years. However, my eyesight isn't great, so vision coverage would be good. I also want dental coverage as well. Any suggestions?""

Can I be reimbursed auto insurance for the days my car was undrivable due to accident caused by someone else?

So there was a car accident and it was determined to be the other person's fault. My car was a mess (I wish they just totaled the thing) and is still in the shop, it's been 2.5 weeks. They're saying they can't reimburse the auto insurance because if something happened to the car during this time it's covered. But is that a bluff (I know they try to get out of stuff). if something happened to my car at a repair shop, and it's only there because of the accident that was determined to be the other party's fault, if something happened to my car, isn't the other insurance company liable? It never would've been there if it weren't for the accident. And if so, who do I go to? It obviously wasn't the guy I just talked to. I don't think this is unreasonable. It's not like I'm asking for the auto loan daily rate. Obviously I would still have to pay for that since it's toward ownership of the car. But the insurance makes sense to me - no?""

Ideal cheap car for beginners?

I'm looking for a used car with a cheaper insurance that would be ideal for a new driver. Any suggestions?

Who are affordable auto insurance carriers in southern california?

What is the diversion program for a possession of marijuana while driving a car and how much does it cost ?

This happened in Los Angeles CA i got pulled over and the police officer found a small ending of a marijuana joint it was just a burnt piece of paper. My court date is next week and i dont want my insurance to go up so do I ask for the diversion program or what ?? what would be the best thing to do?

English c european car insurance???

I am with tesco which doesnt offer euro car insurance so I'm wondering if theres a company that you can just buy cover for like a month or something without buying the full year?

Is it legal for auto insurance companies to adjust rates based on where you live?

I live in California, and I thought it was now illegal to charge more or less based on where you live. Does anyone know the laws regarding this?""

Where can I get insurance for an older car?

I have a 1969 VW Beetle and need cheapish insurance. Very few insurers will cover a car that old unless it is a classic , but as this means it can only really be driven to shows and whatnot, it won't work for me. This is my daily driver. Thanks in advance.""

Cheapest car insurance for a young driver?

im 20..i own a car. no tickets and no accidents i have had my license for a yr and half where can i find the cheapest car insurance?

Why is my car insurance so high?

Im 17. Have a Peugeot 306 and im paying 533 on a provisional license.. however i have my test in 4 days and expect to pass.. my insurance will increase to over 2500.. My car is 1.4L on a P reg (1997) and im currently with Quinn Direct, my friends of the same age with similar cars are being quoted 900 to 1500.. why is mine so high!?!""

I just got an expired registration and no insurance ticket.?

I just found out my registration expired back in Oct of 2008. I don't pay insurance because it is a scam, they don't help you when you need it, and they hike your rates when you claim something even though that is what you pay them for in the 1st place. But I had 2 stickers on my car. One that said November 11. and one that said October 08. So I thought that the newest sticker meant that is when the experation was. But the officer said November is the 11th. I am like yes, but why would they write the number down when you can read it right there? That means 2011. On top of this, I never got a notice from my dmv. so now I have to go to court over this miss undestanding and I can't help but feel I just got cheated by the police and the DMV because they failed to properly lable their sticker and failed to give me a notice. I checked my tags just a month ago in fact which is why I knew it expired in 2011 but the officer just refuses to see it as a miss understanding. Is there a legal service I can go through to get this ticket written off as a zero considering the fact I pretty much just got screwed due to the way the laws don't actually protect the innocent?""

How much on average is insurance for an audi a3 convertible?

How much is teen auto insurance?

i normally have bs and as and rarely cs for school. About how much would auto insurance be?

Washington District of Columbia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 20204

How do I go about this? Car insurance for myself and get the car in my name?

My mom is giving me her old car. She has it in her name, and I want to put it in my own name with my own car insurance. I'm moving out so this is the reason for it. I live in Florida.""

I got a ticket and need to know what my insurance will cost?

I got a reckless driving ticket I'm 16 no other tickets or wreck I have Erie insurance What will my insurance cost bcus my mom canceled it and I have to pay it now

If there was affordable health insurance would there be early retirements and jobs for the youth?

Affordable health insurance in NYC?

Hi, I am 30 years old and my wife and I had a combined income of approx $62,000 for 2006. In august of this year I will be quitting my full time job and going back to school full time. My current salary is $50,000. I anticipate making no more than $20,000 while in school and not being able to get health insurance through work. My income for 2007 will screw up my chances of getting most federal aid for the first year and will probably exclude me from healthy NY as well. Insurance through school is about $600 a month. I've gotten quotes of $513 to $1200 a month for my wife and I. All I want is catastrophic coverage in case either of us have any major problems or I have an accident while riding my motorcycle (a means of transportation, not a toy). These online quotes are driving me crazy. Where is the best place for me to look for something that will cover these specific conditions and how much should I expect to pay? Thanks in advance!!""

Need advice concerning a comprehensive insurance plan...?

I will be getting married in December. Both my fiance' and I are still on our parents' plans (as we are below the age of 24 and have not been forced off yet). This includes car and health insurance. I am lost when it comes to how much I should pay, what kind of coverage I should aim for, etc. We will both need car and health insurance as of 12/20/09. We are looking for an all-around DECENT plan that will fit in a limited budget. Any advice/tips on what we should be doing or looking for would help a lot! Thanks!""

How much is motocross insurance?

Hey guys just wondering how much a motocross insurance quote would be im just looking for coverage if i get an injury im 16 and need affordable quotes thanks

Insurance cost for Dump Truck?

Without knowing a lot of information right now except it would be in the 1990's year range what would the APPROX. cost of monthly insurance be for a dump truck? We are in Ontario, Canada.""

Car insurance I'm gonna leave my car away from home at work?

Where can I get car insurance I am going leaving my car at my work Monday to Friday which company will provide me

How much would a Fiat Grande Punto 1.2L cost in insurance for a 17 year old male driver?

I'm 17 and male and I was wondering how much this car would cost to get it insured, please help.""

Which auto insurance company offers the cheapest price??

were from CA & my sister is a first time driver & she needs a new insurance for her 05 toyota camry. her old car insurance is too expensive. what will u recommend personally? thanks

Teen car insurance help help?

I am 18 years old and on my fathers state farm policy my mother has her own house and policy if I have car insurance under him can I be covered to drive her cars. she has geico

""Im paying $1,000 every 6months for my car insurance, and im 19 years old.?""

Does anybody know of any cheap insurance companies that I can get a quote from? I really REALLY need to find a different company, because I cant afford that much. Please help! (I live in California if that helps)""

New car financed through Honda Canada . I want to buy liability and life insurance .?

Can you purchase life and disability Insurance with a company of your choice to get a cheaper rate or do you have to purchase through dealer.

How do you know if you qualify for Medicaid?

How much do you have to make be eligible for your baby to be placed in the Medicaid Insurance when born? And, is it easy to get or is there usually a long wait or anything? Thanks :)""

""Help, I need car insurance, best quote 1356 pounds?""

Help, I need car insurance, best quote 1356 pounds 9 years no claims, driving licence for 20 years, the car is a 2 lit and 5 years old Helppppppp""

Which insurance company insures in the us and in canada?

question is in the title.

I have Kansas Progressive Auto insurance. Will my insurance drop when I turn 25? And if so approx how much?

Any answers pertaining to age 25 &/or the state of KS is helpful. I can't find anything on Progressive relating to age & insurance rates. Thanks!

How much will my insurance and maintenance costs be affected by what type of car I get?

I'm about to be 18 and am planning on getting my first car soon. I've been driving for almost 3 years in my parents' cars but need my own for heading off to college and such. I don't know what type of car I want to get, but it's gotta be cheap, old and used, preferably up to $6,000-7,500 at the absolute max. The problem is that I've been really into cars for most of my life and would rather have something a little nicer to start, I mean within the same price range but for example a Mustang, Mitsubishi 3000GT, BMW 3- or 5-Series, etc., rather than the usual Civic or Camry (not that I'd mind one of them either). The problem is that I'm worried the insurance will be way more expensive. The latest quote my dad got was a few weeks ago and it was quite a bit lower than I expected, only like $560/yr., but that was with their old '93 Taurus GL. Will having a sports car or more high-end car affect it really dramatically or will it not make that big a difference as long as my driving record stays good? Also, how much more does it cost to maintain and repair a car like a used BMW than it does just a normal car like an Accord? I've always heard that European cars in particular can be temperamental and finicky if not maintained properly, so I'm just worried that I won't have the money and know-how to have and keep a car like that as my first car.""

Whats the best insurance for infertility?

I'm using blue cross and blue shield and it covers NOTHING!

Putting someone on my car insurance policy?

Can i add my brother and his car to my insurance policy? He doesn't have insurance cuz he can't afford the whole big down payment to start his own policy. Can i just add him and his car to mine? I don't drive his car and he doesn't drive mine, so would that work?""

Help with motorcycle insurance?

Hello. I am looking into getting a motorcycle, because I have had my motorcycle license for oooooo about 2 days now. I am just wondering if someone can help me with some insurance questions that will better help me decide what kind of bike to buy. For instance does the size of the bike differ in price? For instance if I got a 250 cc bike would I pay alot cheaper then one that is 1100 cc's? And what about make and model? Would a Ninja be cheaper to insure then a honda? Just kind of curious. And what would be the cheapest bike to insure. Further information. I am 24 years old. I have been insured with state farm in my personal vehicle for about 7-8 years now. Unsure if they offer motorcycle insurance, just started looking.I really like street bikes, really hate sports bikes. I am just l;ooking for the bare minimum insurance as I just want to ride and be legal rather then wasting a bunch of money on insurance. I know I have alot of questions, but anything will help me. So someone let me know. Thanks!""

Why are drivers often required to carry car insurance even if their cars aren't worth much?

I want to know why a driver has to have car insurance if the car isn't worth much. You know like a old car from way back in the day?

What do I do if a car insurance company overpays on a claim?

My parked car was hit last week. The gentleman who hit it gave me his information, and his insurance company assessed the damage and wrote me a check to pay for its repair. When I took the car to the Toyota shop it will be repaired at, the worker analyzed the car and the report filed by the insurance agent. He said that one of the repairs was not completely necessary. If I choose not to get everything on the insurance report fixed, what do I do with the extra money? Can I keep it, or do I have to return it to the insurance company? Can I get into trouble if I do not return it in a timely fashion?""

Can i pay gor someone elses car insurance?

Right so my mum bought a car and I love my mummy so I offered to pay for her car insurance but she said I won't be able to do that for some reason so (I'm her son btw) what I'm asking is if I put all the details in her name but put me down as an additional driver can I pay for the car insurance ?, it's cheaper that way too (for me) lol""

""If I work for an insurance company, do I get free/discounted insurance premiums from them?""

I'm paying nearly 2400 at the moment, if I went and worked at an insurance company do you think I could blag a bit of cheap insurance? (ENGLAND)""

Washington District of Columbia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 20204

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