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#a sad sad truth honestly
fabaceous · 11 months
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exactly one (1) person asked for my thoughts on jackie’s pov of jackieshauna so me being me i obviously wrote an even longer essay than my shauna essay. so. here you go anon, SORRY or you’re welcome.
we can all agree that if you boil jackie down (um... sorry, too on the nose?) to her bare essentials, what you’re left with is basically a huge pit of insecurity. shauna is incapable of facing other people, but jackie is incapable of facing herself. jackie is incredibly inwardly/emotionally unstable but she doesn’t actually realize it because she does such a good job of distracting herself by curating her environment, her image, the people she’s surrounded by, their image, her hobbies, and on and on and on. she (without fully understanding that this is what she’s doing) tries to impose order on her outer world in the hopes that that will, by extension, bring order to her inner world.
so, here is my thesis statement: i propose that shauna is both jackie’s biggest source of stability AND her biggest source of instability.
shauna is the only one who’s always been there for her. it’s so telling that out of all the things jackie could’ve complimented shauna on in that scene (her intellect? her depth as a person? her looks?) she chose this. it shows us what jackie’s priorities are and why she values shauna: shauna is her rock, her best friend and trusty sidekick, she’s steady and loyal.
thing is, shauna isn’t. while shauna saintifies jackie after death and turns her into an  idea/symbol, jackie kinda does the same to shauna in life. she needs shauna to be her rock, and she needs it SO badly, like survival-level badly, that she just can’t leave space for shauna to be anything else. this sucks for shauna, because she doesn’t feel like jackie truly sees her in all her complexity. but it also sucks for jackie, because she just doesn’t realize when things are going downhill - and she doesn’t realize that her search for stability in shauna has been doomed to fail from the get-go, because shauna has a mind of her own.  
and this is when shauna becomes jackie’s biggest source of INstability: when she goes rogue. or, maybe more accurately, when she does what jackie interprets as “going rogue” - aka going against jackie’s carefully laid-out plans, whether or not she truly meant it as a snub. exhibit a: voting to go to the lake instead of stay at the crash site. for a healthy, secure person/relationship this would’ve been a simple difference of opinion. but for jackieshauna it drove a wedge between them for an entire day or possibly more, because by defying jackie, shauna destabilizes jackie’s very, VERY tenuous grip on the TINY amount of control she feels like she has over her world.
this control is EVERYTHING to jackie because it’s the only thing that can alleviate her internal turbulence. and she is DESPERATE for her fix, so she reaches, grasps, searches for the stability that she needs, that she only knows how to find in shauna, and it always seems to be just out of her reach, and of course we know it’s impossible to find internal stability through external things, but jackie thinks if she just stretches a little further and holds on a little tighter, she’ll get what she needs, so she clings onto shauna more and more desperately, not realizing that squeezing so tight could have unwanted side effects.
and just like with shauna - there IS genuine love here! but as much as shauna has warped ideas about what love looks like (and boy does she!), jackie has some messed up ideas about love too! jackie adores shauna, but part of that adoration is tied to how jackie builds shauna up in her own head, and when shauna fails to live up to the role that jackie needs her to play, it sends jackie into a tailspin and she lashes out. and i think jackie thinks that because she loves shauna, she can’t possibly be hurting her. it’s not a cage if i make it cozy, right? if i put some blankets down and keep her nice and safe? she’s not trapped, i’m taking good care of her, she’s choosing to stay, and if she wanted differently, she’d say so. (but shauna can’t/won’t say so, as we know.)
so. to sum it up. on a good day, shauna keeps jackie afloat, but on a bad day, shauna sends jackie spiraling. jackie needs her so desperately and the tragedy is that she loves shauna so much and she’s so terrified of losing her that she does everything she can to prevent it, but her desperation blinds her to the fact that, by holding onto shauna so tightly, she’s contributing to the very situation she hoped to avoid: shauna leaving her.
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spacecasehobbit · 1 month
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Oliver's last conversations with each of Farleigh, Felix, and Venetia are so consistently fascinating to me. Each of Farleigh and Venetia think that they are calling Oliver out, forcing him to face the harsh truths of his own insignificance, while Oliver stands passively by and lets them reveal their own hypocrisy before revealing the true fragility of their positions, the power that he has over their lives.
Farleigh towers over Oliver, belittling him against the backdrop of this party that is supposedly for Oliver and is full of people whose regard for Oliver spans from indifference to outright hostility. Yet while he thinks that he's giving Oliver his victory speech, gloating over the fact that it is Farleigh, not Oliver, who will stay at Saltburn after this summer, he's also admitting to the tenuous nature of his own position there. "I was invited," he tells Oliver, when Oliver questions his presence at the party, along with, "I'll always come back," and, "This is my house."
The contradiction that Farleigh doesn't even realize he's admitted to, however, is that people don't have to be invited back to their house. He's always been as much a guest as Oliver, but he's the one who can't face the possibility of getting kicked out for good. Thus, Farleigh is the one who is really clinging to hope instead of action, the one who will never be fighting quite as hard as Oliver to ensure that possibility doesn't come true.
Farleigh gloats over Oliver's loss and takes Oliver's silence as proof that he is right. When really, Oliver doesn't gloat or bluster or protest. Oliver listens to what people tell him, and then Oliver acts.
It's the same thing we see in Oliver's confrontation with Venetia in the bathtub after Felix's funeral.
Venetia is clearly devestated by her brother's loss, and she is looking for someone to lash out at. And what a convenient, easy target Oliver seems to make. So polite, so soft-spoken, so awkward and innocent and small.
A harmless moth, batting up against the windows. At the same time, a parasite, consuming what wasn't his to take. Eating holes in her family - her family who would have greedily consumed every last drop of the sad, pitiful life he fed them for their own amusement, before casting him aside like a moth-eaten sweater abandoned in the back of a closet.
She calls him out, too, for wearing Felix's aftershave (but not the fact that he's wearing Felix's bathrobe, interestingly enough), while she's the one sprawled in Felix's bathtub. "I bet you're even wearing his underwear," she tells him scornfully, and he kisses her to prove that she'll still kiss him back, that for all her mocking words she's just as desperate as he is to cling to any scraps of Felix left behind. That for all her words to the contrary, he is a scrap of Felix left behind.
And then the harmless moth puts holes in her wrists, puts her in a hole in the ground, and walks away.
In contrast, the confrontations with Farleigh and Venetia make Oliver's confrontation with Felix in the maze all the more devastating in a different way.
With Felix, Oliver isn't quiet. He isn't timid or passive or small, and he is trying desperately not to listen when it's Felix telling him to go away, to stop, to give up, with nothing else he can latch onto for hope of a different outcome. With Felix, Oliver shouts, he protests, he snarls. He loses control of his voice and his body, even pins Felix up against the minotaur statue while he begs Felix to listen to him because he doesn't know what else to do; all he has are these words that he desperately wants to be true, that Felix doesn't want to hear.
It's Felix who is forced into silence while Oliver talks, and it is Felix who finally sees the truth that Oliver can't bear to face in himself.
It's Felix who tells Oliver, "You make my fucking blood run cold."
And he's the only one who gets it right.
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azaracyy · 23 days
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today, cupimon prays for your happiness too.
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littlegalerion · 4 months
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I see all these "barbie doll" and "boy band" Dark Urge characters, and all I can do is laugh at the fact so many people want to ignore the canon Dark Urge is a reasonably older dragonborn sorcerer with the voice of a tired librarian that just mentally snapped after seeing someone litter in the non-fiction section.
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theereina · 8 days
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*not a first born, but I definitely sent this to my oldest sister
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ear-motif · 11 months
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alana: abigail honey you went through. extreme trauma. ya gotta talk to people who understand you
abigail: ok well women who were brutally abused dont get me. ya know who does? my new serial killer dad and that sweaty guy he follows around
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anyway Sebastian holds some disdain for romance, until he has a S/O and a long-term relationship
it's not because he doesn't feel it at all
it's because he doesn't understand it
even the romantic feelings he feels himself, he doesn't really understand them
he either mistakes them for lust or just dismisses them as something silly and fleeting
and, often, they ARE fleeting for him; people don't stick around long enough for him to separate what's what and figure out if his feelings are genuine
the hell that he knows doesn't have soft, sappy, gentle LOVE. he doesn't understand romance because it isn't how most demons operate. lust? sure. a physical, selfish pleasure, or yet another means to an end to get what you want.
but romance? genuine care for another person, treating them with tenderness, and largely selfless when it's sincere?
he doesn't get it, because he's never been exposed to it in the demon world. even platonic love usually escapes him. his own mother didn't LOVE him, she just saw him as a little thing to control and have power over. none of his many sexual partners have LOVED him, it was strictly sex that he and they engaged it for nothing but a selfish release.
he wants to learn, or else he wouldn't have entered into an actual relationship in the first place.
he can see why someone would want him in a sexual context. he's attractive, he's charming, and he's good in bed. he knows very well that someone wants satisfaction from sex, and he knows how to satisfy another person.
he can't see why someone would want him in a romantic context. he can fake romantic gestures, but when he tries to make his own without mimicking someone else's, he feels like he fumbles it. why would anyone want to kiss his forehead softly, or hold his hand, or lie in bed cuddling instead of wanting him to fuck them into the mattress? WHY?
he doesn't understand it. he wants to, but he doesn't. he can't look at himself, in all his monstrous truth and jagged edges, and see what someone else sees that makes them want to treat him like some precious thing.
and, really, maybe it's BECAUSE he doesn't see anything worthy of actual love in himself that he desperately, desperately needs it.
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basurachan · 1 year
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Lord, prepare me
For the shadows
For the sparrows
At my window
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blackccelebration · 8 months
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I'm seriously tired of Portugal, I think this is starting to become the top 3 of the worst countries in the world. I went to the local "hospital" and to the hospital in an emergency to be told to go back home, with no antibiotic or any other medication for that matter and they even told me to wait all night long or maybe come back tomorrow at 8am 💀
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bandzboy · 2 months
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if you have the consent to rant to your friend about something heavy or triggering you do it if you don't have it you just don't END OF DISCUSSION
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bloodymarymorstan · 5 months
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This might seem like a really dumb thing to make a post about but I have spent the last approximately 8 years waiting for the day when Marvel creates a well-written and satisfying queer relationship and I just came to the absolutely groundbreaking realization that that is most likely never gonna happen, not even primarily because of homophobia but more so because Marvel has basically never had a well-written and satisfying romantic relationship of any kind, ever.
Like, I think right now the main reason that there aren't any major queer couples in the MCU is because of homophobia, but if Marvel keeps making shit for several more decades, which they realistically will, I'm sure at some point they will actually start writing queer characters/relationships. The thing I've only just realized is that even when they do write those relationships they probably won't be that fun to watch because Marvel literally never chooses to do anything remotely interesting or nuanced with any of their relationships. They are all boring as fuck.
I honestly feel like I've seen the light now that I've realized this. Maybe now I can stop waiting for a Marvel project to truly satisfy me and accept the fact that the fanfiction/headcanons we come up with will always be better than what is canon in the MCU, and that will remain the case even when there is better queer rep.
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bmpmp3 · 5 months
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literally such a tragedy what channel zero did to search and rescue woods youre telling me the author lost the publishing rights for THAT like im still so mad. we could have had a book. we could have had a book
#sorry i hate the third season of channel zero always have and im speaking my truth now HJKDLSJHFKD#okay like. channel zero in general. the first season is like#i wouldnt say its good. honestly it started okay and kinda intriguing#and then got kinda bad. and then at one point it flipped back around and became camp to me#so i kinda like the first season but through no credit of itself HJKHJKDS#and as an adaptation i thought it was like too confusing for people unfamiliar with the creepypasta but too uninterested in the details#of said creepypasta to appeal to fans of it. but it was a bit camp. a little bit#the second season was fine. it wasnt perfect but i thought it held up decently as a story and as an adaptation#i never got around to watching the fourth season. i hear it was fine#but that third season was WRETCHED i remember it being rated well as a story but it was so like. disrespectful as an adaptation#(also it was too focused on gore and blood for me at the time. like i dont mind gore but it felt so like. meaningless?)#(and i wasnt sure about its depiction of mental health at the time but maybe my opinion would change nowadays it has been a while)#like you got the rights to such a weird and surreal concept and ignored it entirely....what on earth#no baby crying loop in the middle of the wilderness alone....no stairs that cut off your arm cleaning in the woods...NOTHING#literally so tragic. @ nosleep authors and other online horror writers PLEASE watch out when giving out adaptation rights#if i remember correctly the poor search and rescue author got screwed over by syfy which is so sad 😔#also please publish some kind of paperback version of ur stories for lil ol me. pretty please#basic print on demand is fine id just love to have more creepypasta and nosleep stuff on my bookshelf LOL#also still sad theres no left right game book. blease it would be so good published BLEASE
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artheresy · 6 months
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I am so tired, deleting the post about the situation just bc it was written in such a way of anger and I don’t want to keep that with me
I’m still very mad not only for the lore but about everything else that has been progressively revealed about this guy
Atp, I am considering doing a funny lil full rewrite of the Xianzhou arc and just pretending that they’re all my ocs since I don’t want to think about all the inconsistencies and mess ups
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softer-ua · 2 years
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We moved on from this waaaaay too quickly
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Endeavors the NUMBER ONE HERO and their entire society is crumbling, their entire country is in crisis as the institutions the people rely on crumble, and Endeavor was very recently ranked their number one defense unit
SO WHY THE FUCK IS THE RAT ABLE TO PULL HIM OFF THE FIELD
WHAT JUST BECAUSE HE GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL THERE???!!
As someone from the US the only things I could can conceivably compare it to is-
If another civil war broke out and the principle of West Point(a military academy here) called in the President Joe-Joes principal military advisor to ask where one of his rebellious students went, because idk that student had a large social media platform that could be used to change the tides or something
Like sure maybe that’d work, we live in that weird of a fucking world now. but also the military advisor has got to have not just bigger fish in general but just a shit tone more fish to fry, so why in the goddamn fuck would he even take the call???
Why does Nezu have every graduate hero at his beckon call regardless of how dire the circumstances???
UA produces roughly 40 heros a year, and they’re all beholden to UA’s principal for the rest of their lives???
Because it’s clear that Uraraka is very confident about this fact
Like it’s not a question of if they can get Nezu to pressure Endeavor into showing up, it wether or not they can pressure Nezu into contacting Endeavor because then Eneavor has to show up
It’s just open knowledge that regardless of national security you show tf up when your old high school principal calls
When you add in the fact that UA also becomes the emergency evacuation center, the strong hold for the villain fight, and the fact that cops are basically only used for crowd control and to transport villains you gotta kinda wonder wtf does their government even do???
Like from military special ops to civilian life Hero’s make up almost all of it, and most of them are under a private contract with the government so they’re self regulating basically all of this shit, except that at on a dime they must report to Nezu
Shits scary
Uraraka what do you know that we don’t??? Why are your parents really poor?? Supposedly they own some kinda construction company in constantly being demolished landscape??? What is the truth
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echo-s-land · 6 months
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Someone told me that he 'like hanging around with me' and he 'love my smile' today
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quietblissxx · 7 months
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