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#a lot of the jokes crossed the line into very uncomfortable
amsznn · 17 days
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can you do a first time with matt? they’re not together yet but really like each other and hang out together a lot kinda vibe. she goes on a date with another guy to get her mind off of matt and when her date tries to take her home with him and have a one night stand, she’s super into it but then freaks out because she doesn’t feel safe and comfortable with the guy. the date kinda gets frustrated with the reader because she “led him on.” so she asks matt to come and pick her up and she breaks down and tells him everything. she explains that she wants that kind of intimacy with someone so bad but she’s embarrassed and has so much trauma that she needs to feel really safe and comfortable with whoever she crosses that line of intimacy with. basically matt asks her if she’s comfortable with him and she asks him to be her first? he’s SO sweet during sex with her, MAJOR praising towards the female and really passionate and intimate. i’m really wanting/envisioning a side of matt during sex that’s very very sweet and comforting, yet a little dominant and sensual at the same time! but definitely gentle with her since it’s her first time and TAKES HIS TIME WITH HER??? like how sweet would that be you know??? BEGGING YOU FOR THIS. 🤍🤍🤍 love your writing :)
NOTHING LIKE YOU - m. sturniolo
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warnings: slight cursing, SMUT (don’t read if you’re uncomfortable), p in v, soft dom!matt
A/N: thank you for the request, hopefully i wrote it how you were imagining. again if you want me to fix anything lmk! <3
-
“going somewhere?”
you heard a familiar voice call out behind you. you turned around to see matt, your best friend standing in the doorway as you attempted to zip up the black silk dress you were planning on wearing.
“believe it or not, i am going on a date.” you watched his reaction through your mirror, not sure of what to make of it. but ultimately matt just put on a small smile before making his way towards your figure.
“who’s the lucky guy?” he asked before assisting you in zipping up the dress. you didn’t miss how his hands lingered for more than a few seconds, or how his eyes traveled all the way down your body, admiring you.
you simply shrugged off his question. “ill tell you if it becomes anything serious.” grabbing your purse off your bed side table, you took one final look at your appearance, deeming it was good enough. “i’ll see you later okay? don’t wait up.” you said as you grabbed your house keys.
before you could make your exit, matt swiftly pulled you by the waist, bringing you into a secure hug. “what’s up with you?” you asked amused while circling your arms around his torso.
“call me if you need anything, alright?” matt said while pulling back from the hug, still not ready to let go. maybe your heart stopped for minute, matter of a fact maybe it exploded. from the way matt was looking at you, it was enough to forget about the whole date. but you knew you couldn’t. there was no point on waiting on something that would probably never happen.
“okay matt.” you softly replied before breaking out of his grasp, leaving the house to make your way to your date.
-
so far, your date was going well. to your surprise your date was easy to talk to. he started conversations easily, and listened to you as spoke, which is why it was easy for your mind not to wonder to the brunette you left back at home.
you two had went to a semi-fancy restaurant and were laughing the whole night through. from cracking jokes, to telling one another funny stories, you thought this might just end well for you.
“how about we go back to my place after this?” your date said while paying for his portion of the bill since you insisted on splitting it. you smiled at this while also putting your card down.
“sure, why not?”
-
back at his house things escalated quickly. mere seconds after getting past the front entrance, his hands were all over you.
he held you as you two engaged in a heavy make out session, leading you towards his room, never breaking the contact. your arms unwrapped around his neck before falling back onto his bed. quickly climbing on top of you, he dives down to your neck, leaving a trail of kisses all the way down to your collarbone. you sighed and propped yourself up on your elbows, making yourself more accessible to him.
as his free hand road your dress up, your hands were busy fumbling to get his shirt off, just as eager. he paused for a moment, leaning towards his bedside table to look for a condom. upon finding it, he undid his belt, and pushed his pants and boxers all the way down.
his teeth teared open the condom wrapper, as you watched his every movement. you laid back down, shutting your eyes, trying to brace yourself for what was about to come.
the guy placed his elbows on each side of your head. you could feel the tip slowly prying at your entrance.
shit
shit
shit
“wait, i can’t!” you quickly scooted back to the headboard. the guy looked at you confused, before taking the condom off and pulling his boxers back on.
“what the fuck, you serious?” he asked, eyes scanning your face to see if you were just joking. you adjusted your dress, swinging your legs off the side of the bed. “i’m sorry, im just not ready.” you muttered before finding your panties scattered somewhere on the floor, quickly putting them on you rushed out of the room.
the guy followed suit, yelling accusations at you. “you’re just gonna leave like that!?” he called out after you. you didn’t dare to look back, not even bothering to slip your heels back on, you ran out his house and didn’t stop until you were a couple of blocks down. you collapsed on the sidewalk, quickly pulling out your phone to call your pinned contact.
the phone rang and rang, until finally you could hear matt’s groggy voice on the other side of the phone.
“hey, what’s up?”
“matt, i need you to come get me right now.” you said, trying to compose yourself so he wouldn’t worry. on the other side you listened as matt shuffled around to grab his keys, making his way out the house in an instant.
“i’ll be right there.”
-
matt arrived in less than 15 minutes, since your location was a good distance between his house. he slowed down when he saw you at the side of the road, coming to a complete stop before you fell into the car.
he saw the look on your face. he didn’t need you to tell him, he knew something went wrong.
when you guys made it home, you made your way to matt’s room, not wanting to be alone that night. matt stopped in the kitchen to grab you some snacks before making his way back to your figure laid on the bed.
he shut the door and dimmed the lights, in case they were bothering you. he left the snacks on the table beside your head before laying down next to you.
“wanna talk about it?” matt asked gently. he turned over on his side to face you better. you sighed and ran your palm down your face. tears dropping down the plump of your cheeks. you couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“we almost fucked,” you took a deep breath before continuing. “but i freaked out and ruined everything.” your eyes continued to water before you turned to face matt.
“what’s wrong with me?” your voice broke matt’s heart. to him there was absolutely nothing wrong with you. to him you were perfect, there was nothing that compared to you.
“hey, hey, hey” matt gently caressed your face while wiping your tears with his thumb. “there’s nothing wrong with being scared y/n. you don’t have to be ready right now.”
you let out another frustrated sigh. “but i am ready matt. he just..wasn’t the one i guess.” matt pulled his hand away from your face before looking into your eyes.
“then who is?”
your heart skipped another beat, or maybe two. he’s been right in front of you this whole time. the one you wanted, the one you needed. it was matt.
you shifted on your side before your hand made its way to matt’s neck. you watched his expression, for any sort of discomfort before connecting his lips with yours.
although the feeling of your lips on his brought matt to euphoria, he couldnt bring himself to do this while you were in a state of vulnerability, causing matt to back away from the kiss.
“y/n, are you sure about this?”
“yes matt, im really sure.”
matt smiled before pulling you in for another kiss, instead this one was more passionate, and desperate. your bottom lip hung open as matt took this as an invitation to push his tongue past the entrance. the atmosphere in the room only got thicker as matt shifted his body on top of you. you could feel the bulge in his pants rub against your core which made you whimper into the kiss.
“matt..please.” you gasped into the kiss.
“there’s no rush, baby. it’s just me and you.”
matt’s hands made their way down your body, reaching behind you back to undo the dress and reveal your breast out in display for him. matt dipped down, kissing all along the area, but purposely dodging the place you needed him most.
as matt’s hands went further, you could feel them just above your core. he could feel how wet you were through your panties. he made work to take them off, causing you to shiver from the exposure. you pulled at the hem of matt’s shirt, practically begging him to take it off. he complied, while also pushing his sweatpants, and boxers off. you couldn’t help but tense up, and do the same as before and lay back down to brace yourself.
matt grabbed a condom from his drawer, tearing it open and rolling it down his length. he could sense how tense you were. he gently placed his hand on your waist while looking into your eyes, trying to ease any of your worries away.
“i’ll go slow okay? tell me if you wanna stop.”
you whispered an ‘okay’ in approval. matt lined himself up with your entrance, slowly pushing in. your knuckles almost turned white with how much you were gripping the sheets to the new burning sensation.
“it’s okay angel, i got you.” matt reassured while caressing your face in hopes to calm you down.
matt groaned until he completely bottomed out. staying in place so you could adjust.
“fuck, you’re so tight.” matt breathed out.
you shivered at his words before taking a deep breath before telling matt he could move.
his thrusts were slow, but deep. enough to make you feel every inch of him.
“matt, can you go a bit faster?” you breathed out. matt nodded before propping himself up on his arms, making the snapping of his hips faster.
“oh god, matt!” you moaned out at the newfound pace. you mind was clouded with pleasure and the with the brunette in front of you. you reached up to push matt back down by his neck so your lips could clash against each other once again.
matt moaned against your lips, the clenching off your walls around him was enough to make him explode right then and there.
“you’re doing so good for me, angel.” matt whispered above your ear.
you whimpered, the combination of matt’s pace and the feeling of his lips peppering soft kisses all around caused your head to spin.
“matt, im gonna..” you could barely finished your sentence before matt’s free hand made it’s way to your clit, rubbing circles helping you chase your own high.
“go ahead baby, im right here.” matt mumbled, talking you through your orgasm.
“matt!” you cried out as you felt the knot in your stomach burst, leaving you a shaking mess as matt, also came undone, moaning your name as he rode out his high as well.
“fuck.” matt muttered before pulling out, which earned a shiver from you, still sensitive. matt made his way to the bathroom to clean himself off before coming back in his black sweatpants and a fresh towel for you. he gently cleaned you up, careful as he knew any sudden movement could cause you discomfort. you sat up before grabbing a clean set of matt’s boxers, and one of his sweatpants before collapsing back into bed.
matt did the same, pulling the covers over you two. his arm snaked around your waist, pulling you in closer. “are you okay?” he asked while peppering kisses along your neck.
“i’m amazing.” you chuckled while playing with the hand that held your waste.
“yeah, you really are.”
-
A/N: yall i………..i have no words, i dont usually write smut, I’ve probably written it like once but i decided to try smth new ig. I WAS GIGGLING THE WHOLE TIME. also message me if you wanna be moots, need some more. (need matt rn)
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atinystraynstay · 2 months
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Game Night - Yoon Jeonghan
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Synopsis: Jeonghan was the type of guy who joked around, the type to be not so serious. I guess that's why you never took his flirting to be anything more than him trying to get you to laugh. Jeonghan was now determined to make you see differently.
Pairing: Yoon Jeonghan x fem reader
Genre: friends to lovers! playful competitiveness with Jeonghan
Word Count: 1.8k
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"So, y/n, what are the chances of you letting me be yours for the night?" Jeonghan asked teasingly. "Maybe when you learn to stop cheating at Guess Who!" You groaned.
It was a typical Sunday night for you and Jeonghan. You two always had game nights together, ever since you can remember. Both of you were quite competitive, so you were equal competitors for one another. At this point, most of the members have given up on playing against Jeonghan anyways.
Jeonghan and you had become good friends over the past few years. However, you never believed Jeonghan was into you. He sometimes liked to flirt with people because he thrived on making people feel uncomfortable for a second before making them laugh. He definitely was a trickster.
Recently though, Jeonghan didn't see his flirting towards you as just teasing. He was starting to realize he was starting to like you. More than a friend. It took a lot to scare Jeonghan but what scared him the most was you ever finding out about his little secret. If anything, he amplified his flirting with you to try to keep his crush concealed for a little bit longer.
He was sure he would tell you eventually. He just didn't know when.
"I can't help that you are bad at dropping hints. Seriously, y/n. You make it too easy for me!"
You rolled your eyes at Jeonghan's antics. To anyone, they might find his confidence insufferable. However, to you, you found it endearing. Jeonghan was the man who could be silent when he needed to be, especially when encountering new experiences and new people. When he was comfortable and relaxed, he let his true colors shine.
You were just blessed to be one of the lucky ones who got to experience his entire rainbow.
"Okay, let's actually play this time. Honest and fair." "Honest and fair."
I his mind, the gears were turning. Sure, he wanted to win the game but he had an alternative motive. A lot was on the line.
"Have you selected who I am going to guess right?" You asked challengingly.
Jeonghan rolled his eyes playfully but he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. Whenever he was around you, he found himself smiling brighter than ever before. You just managed to pull that side out of him oh so easily.
He also has never encountered someone who was maybe just as competitive as he was.
"Yeah, angel. I'm ready to watch you get frustrated. You're really cute when you get flustered, you know? I always love the way your nose scrunches up and you get a bit red in the face." "That doesn't happen,' you lied. "Oh right, it doesn't when it is with anyone else. I guess I just have that effect over you," he snickered.
You could feel your cheeks heating up the more he spoke. It didn't help he was staring you down with that smug grin on his face.
God, why does he have to be so damn attractive?
"Shut up," you muttered. "Let's just play, ok?"
He leaned back in the chair, arms crossed over his chest. He was easily amused by how easily he could make you crumble.
One of the very first things that Jeonghan noticed about you was how independent you were. You weren't afraid to call people out on their bullshit, and always felt the freedom to voice your opinion. You weren't the type of person who needed to rely on others to do something.
It was quite the treat to watch you lose your train of thought if he just looked at you. You often forgot what you were going to say the moment Jeonghan said something flirtatious to you. He almost didn't register the possibility of you liking him back until he noticed how you looked away to try to conceal the wide smile on your lips and pink blush coating your cheeks.
The two of you have been doing this waltz around confessing your feelings for a while now. And frankly, Jeonghan was getting tired of playing that game. He wanted something new.
"Pretty ladies first," Jeonghan announced.
There you go again, blushing at his words. It was almost too easy.
"Does your person have facial hair?"
He took a moment to act as if he he had to think about it. You raised an eyebrow, knowing that he was up to something but you couldn't quite put your finger on it.
"Oh come on, Hannie, we just started. There's no way you forgot already who your character is," you teased.
His heart fluttered every time you called him that petname. A lot of people called him Hannie. But when you say it? It was music to his ears. It made him feel all warm and tingly at the prospective of him being exclusively yours and you being all his.
"No, my character doesn't. I was just trying to make you annoyed again," he snickered.
You rolled your eyes but kept a light smile on your lips. Anyone else would be underneath your skin, but he just had this way of finding his antics endearing. Your pointer finger got to work at flipping down the 8 characters you successfully eliminated.
"So, my sweet girl," he began. Oh, here we go. "Does your character have glasses?"
You smirked as he guessed incorrectly. You looked up at him with this look of amusement on your face. Honestly, he has never found you more attractive than when you let your competitive side free. He liked a challenge.
And getting to be your man was his greatest challenge yet.
"No strike, buddy. Better luck next time."
You and Jeonghan continued going back and forth like this for a few rounds. Jeonghan had still had six character cards flipped up, whereas you only had one. You were about to go in for the kill.
"Is your person Charlotte?"
Finally! You beat Jeonghan!
"Oh, I'm sorry. That's incorrect," he smirked.
Your eyes grew wide as they flickered between the game board and Jeonghan. That was impossible. You had literally one character card left. Your eyes narrowed on him as he just sat there with a wide grin on his lips. He had his elbows resting on the table as he watched I amusement.
"You said honest and fair this time," you whined. "And I have been honest! You were asking for my person, and all the things you were asking did not match up with who I selected." "Oh really now? Okay smartass, prove it."
Gladly.
Very slowly, Jeonghan got up to make his way over to you. You raised an eyebrow, but with each step he took towards you, your heart beats faster and harder. What was he doing? You wanted to question him but you were drawn speechless. Again. Only Yoon Jeonghan could make you tongue-tied. It was as if you were glued to your seat too as you watched him make the short journey from his end of the table towards yours.
"I'll describe my person to you. Maybe you accidentally flipped them down."
His voice was now softer, almost deeper. What is going on? All you could do was nod your head, eyes trained on him in anticipation.
"My person also has these eyes that quite literally are like two disco balls. They capture whatever light is reflected into them. I can't even tell you what color their eyes are because I've never see a shade like it before. But it is my favorite color." He had now approached your side the table, leaning against it as he looked down at you. "And just as bright of a smile to match."
You wanted to melt into a puddle before him with how warm and fuzzy he makes you feel by just doing the simplest of things. It wasn't fair.
"My person has long hair. Sometimes they curl it, somewhat they straighten it. Each time though, I want to run my fingers through it."
As he spoke, he lifted on hand to run through your hair. He tucked a few strands behind your ear. His fingertips moved forward until they grazed against your cheek. He didn't miss the opportunity to cup your cheek, keeping your head tilted up towards him so you couldn't look away no matter how badly you got flustered.
"My person also has this infectious laughter that makes me want to know every little joke, every little secret they might have. She also has this adventurous, competitive side of her that is so attractive. I think you two would get along just fine," he winked.
Your lips were slightly parted as you gazed up at him. This had to be a dream, right? There was no way this was actually happening.
"Y/n, you asked for my person. It's been you this whole time," he whispered.
For the first time, he seemed almost at a loss for words. It as if he couldn't believe he actually confessed to you. And now that his feelings were out in the open, he was afraid of the repercussions of being so vulnerable with you. His biggest fear was losing you, and he was afraid he was heading in that direction.
Slowly, you stood up. In fear, Jeonghan removed his hand from your face. Fuck, how can I fix this?
Instead, you wrapped your arms around his neck, and he didn't hesitate to hold your waist. He looked at you with excitement now in eyes, almost like a little boy on Christmas Day. You couldn't help but giggle at how adorable he looked.
"What are you waiting for, Hannie? You've got me where you've always wanted to me," you whispered.
He didn't need to be told twice. Ever so gently, as if you were made out of glass, he pressed his lips against yours. He couldn't fight the smile that grew on his lips. He squeezed your hips affectionately before pulling you in closer. You tilted your head at the right angle to kiss him deeply, without holding back anymore.
The feeling was indescribable. It was a mixture of joy and relief, knowing that years of pining after you finally amounted to this moment. He could really let every emotion, every thought of you free and not just dwell in his mind. And the best part was that it was reciprocated.
You were the one to break the kiss at first but kept your face close to his. You wore a similar goofy smile, just as in disbelief that you kissed not only your best but but the man of your dreams.
"I can't believe you used a board game to confess your feelings to me." "But it looks like I won after all," he smirked.
You rolled your eyes playfully before leaning up to press your lips against his again.
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hyunjinspark · 3 months
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star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 18
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pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader
genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au, star-crossed lovers
synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, you’ve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but you’ve never met somebody like him. there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that he’s always wanted to, but what he didn’t anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned. 
word count: 33K
warnings: cursing, drinking, mature content, heavyyyy angst, mutual pining, sexual tension, jealousy, unrequited love, mature language, dirty jokes, arguments, whipped hyunjin, a big confrontation, lots of heartbreaks, mentions of diet, mentions of threats, toxic idol culture, a scene of unwarranted sexual advances! (not from hyunjin)
a/n: whew, this is another big chapter and picks up from hyunjin's pov after he moved back to the city, hope that's not confusing! there's a lot of toxicity surrounding idol culture, and features mature language and content throughout. please read the warnings to make sure you're comfortable with everything. this fic has taken a life of it's own, and im really enjoying focusing on yn's character arc, along with the obvious lovestory. this isn't a feel-good chapter, it features a lot of angst and uncomfortable situations, but i promise things will get better after this! anyway, this was very fun to write and picks up on one of my favorite arcs of this story. please get comfortable with snacks and a blanket to read. you can listen to my star lost playlist here!
important: all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.
masterlist
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Five Months Ago.
The electric blue guitar in Hyunjin’s hands felt familiar. He adjusted the strap around his body, he was getting used to the weight of it again. It had been a while since he’d touched it, fingers skimming over the strings. If he focused on this, he could ignore the blaring lights in his face. 
“Still not used to the spotlight, Jinnie?” Jisung asked, elbowing him in the stomach. Hyunjin doubled over, avoiding another attack from the man, “Ouch. The lights are brighter than I remember”
“Well, how else will they get our pretty faces on camera?” Jisung grinned, stepping in front of him, and thankfully blocking the heat of the lights. 
“I’m…really hot” Hyunjin declared, drops of sweat dripping down his forehead, “I hope they can fix the cooling in here”
Jisung sighed, lifting his guitar to help him tune it, taking the weight momentarily off his hands. As he did that, someone stepped up to Hyunjin, a little electric fan and makeup palette in hand, “Can you please hold this? Your makeup’s running”
“Sorry” He apologised, even though it was no one’s fault. The stage equipment and lights made the set far too hot, the air conditioning was broken and they’d only just begun. Hyunjin couldn’t fathom what the full day of filming would look like. He held the little fan to his face, the cool instantly relaxing his muscles with relief, shoulders sagging from tension. Jisung stood between them still, trying to tune his guitar and the makeup lady awkwardly stepped closer, patting down the foundation on Hyunjin’s cheeks, “Did you tan when you were away?”
“Um, I suppose. I was out in the sun a lot” He responded, but realised quickly that she didn’t really want a response. She was berating him because his usual foundation no longer matched him. Her lips pulled into a thin line, “You should be careful”
Hyunjin’s eyebrows shot up. Careful about…what exactly? When he was in Daejon, swimming in the Creek, or lounging away in the sun, his first concern wasn’t exactly putting on any heavy sunscreen. He was away from the world of…such.
“He just doesn’t know his face would cost the company millions of won" Jisung joked. It was irresponsible, sure, but he had more important things distracting him at the time. At the memory of the bright Daejon sun, Hyunjin smiled, closing his eyes briefly to revel in the memory. If he thought hard enough, the blaring spotlights could almost replicate the southern summer sun. It was hard to get lost in his imagination though. The lady was prodding and poking at his face, turning him this and that side so she could fix him. This wasn’t the time.
“There. Try playing it now” Jisung said proudly, standing up straight and letting go of Hyunjin’s guitar. So he played a tempo to test it, and the music seemed perfectly fine now. In the end, it was futile anyway. The company didn’t allow them to play live in the music video. Apparently they had no faith that the boys wouldn’t mess up the instruments after such a long hiatus, and there was no time or money for retakes and reshoots. So, they would only pretend to play, and lip-sync the words and hopefully someone in the editing department would make it seem real. Still, Hyunjin was going to try his hardest to genuinely play. He hated pretending.
“Close your eyes,” The lady mumbled, an annoyed tone that frankly felt unwarranted. He followed the instructions, and felt the tip of a brush poking at his eyes as she reapplied some of the darker eyeshadow. The concept for this album was pop-rock, leaning heavily into the rock, and so their makeup was inspired from the 1980s world of rock.
“Did I do something wrong?” Hyunjin asked, as she used a little too much force on him, making his eyes water under the sharp brush.
“Hmm?” She was none the wiser, and he suddenly wondered if he should backtrack, but he wouldn’t be able to continue the filming knowing one of their makeup artists was possibly mad at him. “You…seem upset” He said. 
A sigh followed, “I’m not upset, I just think you should take better care of yourself. Jisung was right, you know? Your face does cost us thousand of won. I understand you’ve just come back from vacation but if you don’t do your job, it’s very difficult for me to do mine”
“Right” He nodded, sudden guilt overwhelming him, “Can I open my eyes now?”
With the confirmation, he did and looked at her, “I’m sorry, I’ll be more careful in the future” 
She smiled, pulling at his cheek, “It’s good to have you back, kid”
Within seconds, the set jumped back to life. Chan ran onto the stage, getting into his position, and Changbin followed. They were both visibly upset, due to the company not allowing them to sing live, but years in this industry had made them numb to some of that anger. Hyunjin took his place on the stage, as the cameras adjusted and thirty-something people gathered before them, ready to film. He wished he could sneak one look in the mirror before filming, for the reassurance that he didn’t look like a total clown, but he trusted the kind makeup lady. 
“All right, boys” Chan looked at them, microphone stand in his hands, “From the top, yeah?”
The backing track began on cue, and Hyunjin’s heart pounded like it hadn’t in ages. Maybe he wasn’t prepared to do a full-fledged music video shoot so soon after the hiatus. Did he even remember his chords right? The audience may not be looking at his hands, but he sure as hell would be. He squeezed his eyes shut, taking in a breath, hoping he didn’t mess up for the sake of their team. Millions of people would watch this. Thousands would instantly know they weren’t actually singing, and he had grown tired of the accusations. Most of those people would be rooting for his failure, and he could imagine the myriad of hate comments about how Hyunjin should never have returned to the band. Maybe it was a mistake being back in the spotlight so soon. Chan’s hand landed on his shoulder, startling him. He leaned in to whisper, loud enough for only Hyunjin to hear, “Forget everyone else, Jinnie. She’s going to love this”
A surprised smile tugged on Hyunjin’s lips just as the spotlight hit him, and the camera began rolling.
»»————-
Later that night, Jisung crawled into his bed. He pulled the blue comforter off Hyunjin’s aching legs, settling cross-legged across him. The filming had taken a toll on him, and he’d really let himself go when he was away. It usually took a lot more to get him this tired, and he was still adjusting to this new schedule. Jisung leaned against the wall, releasing a sigh of contentment. This had become second nature to them, a routine to sit, talk, and catch up on the past few months of summer. They’d stayed in touch through text, but it wasn’t the same. Some nights, they’d go for a walk, find an open barbecue place, and eat into the early hours of dawn. Other nights, they’d stay in the dorm and order some cheesecake, and Jisung would tell him everything he missed. Every anecdote, each funny moment, painstaking details of how many different ways he’d embarrassed himself. Hyunjin had missed a lot, so he’d sit and listen to the tales of the city that he’d pined for all this while. It was good to return to the life he’d left behind. Everything was different here, and sometimes it felt like summer had existed in a void away from the world. Jisung would also ask him about his hometown, but Hyunjin never knew where to start, so he preferred to listen to Jisung instead. He had a lot more to say anyway. 
Tonight was different. Jisung asked him about you.
And that wasn’t the routine.
“I don’t really know what you want me to tell you” Hyunjin laughed, and they were both tucked into blankets, like kids bonding at their first sleepover. 
“You’ve talked about this girl all freaking summer, and now you have nothing to say?”
“Well, yeah, you already know everything” Hyunjin mumbled, flush rising up. They never had this dynamic before, this…sharing of crushes, or whatever it could be called. Jisung was usually the one in relationships out of the two of them, and Hyunjin would never bug him about it. Not until Jisung told him himself. So, Hyunjin didn’t know what to say.
“Yeah, I know the shortened version you sent over text, but…how’d she react when you said you’re coming back?”
Hyunjin swallowed, memories flashing through his mind of his last night in his hometown, “She was really upset”
“Upset, like…didn’t talk to you kind of upset, or…had sex with you before you left— upset?”
The words sent a flush up Hyunjin’s neck, and he knew this was exactly what Jisung wanted. This was his intention. To embarrass him. To celebrate this new dynamic, when Hyunjin was the one with a stupid crush and not the other way around.
“We didn’t have sex” He clarified. Jisung’s eyes widened, “Really? Not even on the last night?”
Hyunjin leaned his head against the wall, playing with the threads of the blanket. The last night was complicated, for all the right and the wrong reasons, so he settled for the most matter-of-fact answer, “I didn’t have any condoms”
“Shut up, I know that’s not true. I sent you like a huge box your first week in Daejon. Don’t tell me you never used them…”
Hyunjin laughed at the memory, “Thank you for that Jisung, but…I’d already packed it away. I didn’t really expect anything to happen anyway. I thought she’d be too upset at me for leaving”
“So…that’s the only reason?”
Hyunjin swallowed, knowing that if perhaps they’d had an hour longer together that night, things would probably have led straight to that, condoms or no condoms, “Well…we were out of time”
“You spent months with this girl. How were you out of time?”
Hyunjin sighed, “There was no right moment. I didn’t want it to be rushed—”
“No rush? As if you wouldn’t bust a nut as soon as you’re—” Jisung was interrupted with a smack in the face by a pillow, voice turning high, “Ouch! What’d you do that for?”
“I’m not talking about this anymore” Hyunjin laughed, the red reaching the tips of his ears.
“That’s pretty unfair, you know. I used to tell you every detail of my relationship with Mae, down to the nitty-gritty details”
Hyunjin looked up at him. It had been a while since he’d talked about Mae so freely, and he swallowed, “How are you holding up?”
Jisung’s smile fell, humorous demeanour disappearing in seconds, “She’s happy now”
The statement meant so much more than he let on. Happy now. As in, she wasn’t happy before, when she was dating Jisung. Thinking back on it now, their breakup had been explosive, and it seemed like Jisung was still picking up the pieces. Was this what the rest of Hyunjin’s life would look like? Surrounded by miserable relationships destroyed by their careers. He can’t recall the last time he witnessed a love story with a happy ending. He sighed, “That sucks man”
Jisung shrugged, “It is what it is”
Hyunjin stretched out his legs under the blanket, letting out a soft groan, “Man, my limbs haven’t hurt like this in ages”
Jisung rolled his eyes, “You’re getting soft, big boy. We’re hitting the studio tomorrow at six. Album release is only a month away now”
His phone buzzed and he reached for it immediately. “Is that her?” Jisung asked, smiling.
“Yup” Hyunjin typed in a quick text to you, “She’s…telling me about her day”
“Is that all you guys do?” Jisung asked, a smirk on his face, scrolling up on their chats, without permission. He let out a dramatic gasp, “What are you writing her all these long-ass paragraphs for? It feels like I’m reading a book. Big red flag. At least break it up into multiple texts”
Hyunjin rolled his eyes, “I mean, there’s a lot she’s interested to know about my life here. I like telling her what we’re up to. If you see it from an outside perspective, it’s pretty cool. She really loves it”
Jisung laughed, eyebrows wiggling like a kid, “Uh-huh. Sure. That’s what she loves”
Hyunjin sighed, rolling his eyes, “Stop. We’re just…really close friends now”
“Does she know that?”
He didn’t like this conversation anymore and what it implied. He informed him for the umpteenth time, “I told her from the start that I don’t do relationships. She knows.”
Jisung was still scrolling through their chat, probably hoping to find something steamy but stopped at the media that Hyunjin had shared, letting out a gasp, “Wait a minute. Have you been sending her our studio recordings?” 
“Yes” Hyunjin frowned, “She likes those”
“You know, Eunwoo would have a heart attack if he knew you were leaking unreleased music”
Hyunjin sighed. Jisung was always so dramatic. “I’m not leaking anything. It’s only to her. She’s not going to show anyone”
“And how do you know that?”
“I trust her” Hyunjin’s reply was automatic, “More than anything”
Jisung smiled, eyes crinkling, tilting his head, “Even more than me?”
He chuckled, grabbing his phone back, “Shut up”
»»————-
He had been waking up earlier than usual, and he’d find himself at the kitchen table first thing in the morning, watching the sun rise through their apartment window. It was always fun to greet the boys as soon as they woke. He’d missed them for so long and he was trying to cherish every moment with them. Jisung would joke about how obsessed he was with them, often hovering like a parent around the house in the morning, waiting for their kids to wake up. It was strange because Hyunjin wasn’t an early riser, but his thirst to spend time with them overpowered his desire to lay in bed. He sat at the kitchen island scribbling ideas in a little journal Changbin bought him. It had admittedly become his diary, filled with crazy ideas, midnight thoughts, and sketches for paintings. 
The dance practices had got easier in the past weeks, and his limbs felt lighter. It almost took no time for him to get back to normal, sucked into the whirlpool of obligations that his life offered. There were so many interviews, press junkets, editorials, and he was back in the studio every night. He’d missed that grandly — getting to work on the music and, for the first time, writing his songs into the album. All of that made everything else worth it — like when they couldn’t leave their dorm because it was surrounded by paparazzi. They’d crowded around the building, hoping to get a glimpse at or any comments out of Jisung. Unfortunately, Jisung was still in the middle of a huge legal battle with the media that had leaked every detail of his personal life and relationship. Hyunjin didn’t understand how Jisung managed to still be so sane, after something like that rocked his world.
But slowly, he carved time in his life to start painting again, between schedules of course. An art shop in Hongdae was perfect for his needs. It was small and convenient, and he could be away from the public eye when he was in it. He found time for you. In changing rooms, backstage, in five-minute breathers between practice, he’d text you when he could. 
“You’re up early” Chan smiled, and Hyunjin looked up at him. He was already dressed, and he moved towards the light switch, turning them on, “You’re drawing in the dark?”
“It’s peaceful” Hyunjin hummed, “On set…it’s always too bright”
“Ah. Right. What are you sketching this time?” Chan moved over to him, glimpsing into his diary. 
“Just…a rough map of home. I’m writing down all the places, I wanna remember it. I don’t know when I’ll go back”
Chan smiled thoughtfully, “Is that your plan for the day?”
“No, actually, I was just about to head out to buy some flowers. I really want to draw some white hydrangeas, they won’t be in bloom for longer, and I’m hoping I can capture their whole life cycle”
Chan laughed, “Wow. It’s only six am and you’re already talking romance”
Hyunjin flushed, “It’s just for my drawings. I want to get better at observation. Speaking of, can I come watch you in the gym later? I…think I’ll draw you next”
Chan moved around the island, prepping a morning smoothie, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re flirting with me, Jinnie”
“Of course not” Hyunjin rolled his eyes, continuing to add details to his little map, right now he was adding the 7/11 between your house and Aera’s. 
“Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to be possible Jinnie. And…you’re probably gonna have to get the flowers tomorrow” Chan suddenly said, filling up the blender with ingredients.
Hyunjin frowned, “What do you mean?” But of course, Chan turned the blender on right then, so Hyunijn had to wait until he was done to find out. The loud whizzing sound filled the kitchen, and if the other boys weren’t up yet, they certainly would be now.
“Sorry about that” Chan apologised sheepishly, pouring the smoothie into four cups, and then eyed Hyunjin’s pajamas, “You should change into a coat, something warm. It’s chilly out”
Hyunjin tilt his head, suspicious, “Why?”
Chan slid him the smoothie, which Hyunjin hadn’t even asked for, and then grinned, “I’m kidnapping you”
“What?” He laughed, reaching for the cup anyway. He might as well start drinking healthy.
“There’s someone I’d like you to meet, Jinnie. She’s a prodigy, she owns like a gazillion art galleries across the country, and she wants to meet you”
“Since when are you interested in art?” Hyunjin hummed, trying not to gag at the taste of the drink. It was all protein powder and whey. Chan smiled at the sight, leaning forward on the counter, “Since my best friend started drawing masterpieces, of course. Go get changed. I’ll drive us there, and if we have time before going to set, we just might be able to buy your flowers”
»»————-
The paintings in the art gallery were beautiful, and Chan was a good sport, taking just enough interest in the art that Hyunjin felt important in explaining all the techniques. They’d wandered around for a while now, eyeing every exhibition. Enough time had passed as they stood observing the room of sculptures, and Chan nudged him. He was diverting his attention to a woman with a tablet in hand as she walked around the space. The apparent prodigy. She seemed busy, pushing buttons on the tablet as she inventoried the place, a flurry of rich visitors following her around. Hyunjin had seen her before, and he asked, “Does she work in our building by any chance?”
“She certainly does. Hey, Karina!” He suddenly called out, “This is Hyunjin”
Hyunjin went wide-eyed and awkward, certainly unprepared to meet someone so important out of the blue, but Karina seemed sweet enough. Her gaze caught his, widening when she noticed them. She whispered something to her über important guests, and then walked over to them, all prim and poise. She certainly looked the part of an art gallery owner, although Hyunjin had never seen one so young before. She shot him a smile, “Ah. I’ve heard so much about you, Hyunjin”
“Oh no” Hyunjin had a funny feeling in his stomach, “What did Chan say?”
She laughed, “Nothing too bad. He showed me some of your work”
“He what?” Hyunjin cringed, “I’m sorry about that”
She laughed again, “Don’t apologise. Your work’s pretty good. Even before Chan, you were kind of hard to miss actually. Your face is plastered all across the company building”
Hyunjin cringed yet again, clasping his hands together, “I’m…sorry about that. That’s embarrassing”
She laughed, “Not at all. So…do you like the collection?”
Hyunjin looked around, nodding, “Oh. Of course! It’s beautiful. I love the exhibit, and I can’t believe you have some Monet up too. That must have been hard to get”
She tilt her head, an admiring smile on her face, “It certainly was. The job’s not easy, but I enjoy it a lot. We try to stick to contemporary work, switching up exhibits every month or so. You’re lucky you caught us during Monet. We’re having those shipped back to Paris soon”
Hyunjin nodded, hands slipping into his pockets, “Paris. Wow…”
“Actually I don’t have too much time, so I’m going to cut to the chase” She smiled, “The reason I asked Chan if I could meet you was…if you’d ever be interested, I wouldn’t be opposed to hosting an exhibition for your work”
His eyes widened, a surprised chuckle escaping him, “What? I’m literally just starting out. Experimenting…I don’t even have a specific art style yet or much original work…”
Karina shook her head as if all of that was an afterthought, “We already know it’ll be a hit. You’re very loved, especially in Seoul”
He couldn’t wrap his head around it. Why would an actual, real-life gallery ever want to exhibit his work? He barely had work to begin with! All he’d done was post a few artworks on his Instagram, and mentioned that he liked drawing in an interview, “But I’m not a professional, by any means, I just…do it because I enjoy it”
She smiled, “Precisely. It’d be nice to give new artists a voice. Sooner or later, some art gallery is going to snatch you up. I’d prefer if we were the first. There’s a lot of interest in you by the public. It’d be a loss to not display your work. If there’s anything I learnt from Kim Jieong it was—”
“Wait, you know Kim Jieong?” Hyunjin forgot his manners, interrupting her, especially in such an excitement, but he couldn’t help himself.
Karina laughed, eyes narrowing, “Are you a fan?”
“No, but my girlfr-“ Hyunjin stopped in his sentence, clearing his throat, and he could feel Chan’s gaze burn curiously into him, “Um…one of my friends is. He’s her favourite artist in the world”
“Well…I wouldn’t give him so much credit” Karina spoke, clutching the tablet tightly, “But yes, I used to intern with him earlier”
He was too straightforward, but he didn’t care, “Do you think you could help me get in touch with him? I’m sorry, I realise that’s a big favour and—”
Her expression changed, “I don’t know, Hyunjin. My relationship with Jieong…is complicated. But, if you’d really like maybe I could help you set up a meeting or something”
“Really?” His eyes lit up, and the conversation had completely sidetracked but it didn’t matter, “That would mean everything to me. Thank you”
“Of course. I can’t promise anything. This may be TMI, but he and I aren’t on the best terms. He is a wonderful artist though. I’ll give him that”
“Thank you, Karina” He smiled, genuinely. A security guard came up, tapping her on the shoulder. She nodded at him, and then looked back at Hyunjin, “I'm sorry I have to get going, there's been an incident involving a spill in the impressionist gallery …but the offer’s always up for the exhibition, by the way. Eunwoo could give you my contact details. I think you’d made a great addition to my portfolio, Hyunjin”
He smiled, but all he could focus on was that she knew Kim Jieong. Hope festered in his heart that maybe now he could finally get you the chance you deserved.
»»————-
The Hydrangeas bloomed beautifully on Hyunjin’s desk. He’d been drawing them all afternoon, and he looked forward to seeing their state change as he came home each night from work. It felt silly, but summer flowers reminded him of you. The vase needed fresh water, and he stopped sketching to go up to the kitchen and fill it up. The boys were gathered around the dining table, just about to head out to the studio, and Chan was preparing cocktails. Hyunijn switched on the water tap, absentmindedly watching the vase fill up, listening to their conversations. 
Karina still hadn’t got back to him, but he was holding onto hope. It had only been a week since their conversation after all. His days since then had been busy so he couldn't worry too much about it, occupied by schedules, he’d also managed to squeeze in time for himself now. It seemed like going back to his hometown had been genuinely helpful. It had fulfilled its purpose. He’d come back to work, feeling a new kick in energy and joie de vivre. There was hardly any sadness like before, and that's all Hyunjin could have asked for from his little vacation anyway.
Since his return, there had been some changes to the company too. He’d discovered a new library, hidden in their building, somewhere on the fourth floor, and he’d been frequenting it during his breaks. Every morning, he picked a new book to read and would fixate on it for the next week and a half. Barely any employees ever came to the library, other than HR sometimes, and it was a nice escape. He could imagine that you’d really love the library, full of nooks and crannies begging to be found and thousands of books aching to be read.
He discovered he had an affinity for poetry, and some poems never left his mind. There was one in particular by Kim Yong-Taek that occupied all the space in his head. 
눈 내리기 전에 / Before the snow falls,  한번 보고 싶습니다 / I would love to see you.
They felt real, as if they’d been written only for him, and shivers often ran up his skin as he stood reading them quietly, a deep ache in his heart at the familiarity of the words. It was crazy that something written hundreds of years ago could capture exactly what Hyunjin was feeling right now. He hoped he could make music that felt the same to others. The longing in his bones only got worse each day, and he was making a plan to fix it. Summer had been beautiful, even contending for his favourite season, but it was ending, and he would do anything to make autumn just as beautiful.
»»————-
Sleep clouded his vision, the song's melody blending with his drowsiness. It had been a week of rerecordings and they’d barely got any rest. Hyunjin tugged the headphones off, glancing at Chan through the observation window, “Was that a good take?”
Chan gave him a thumbs up through the window. His energy had been deflated too, but Hyunjin was hoping for a better response, “Are you sure? I can do another take. I think…it doesn’t sound as emotional as Jisung’s verse”
Hyunjin could only just about see Chan’s eyes, squinted over the mask he wore. The decision to cover his face was obvious; there was a little camera propped up in the studio, a way to film behind-the-scenes content for when the album finally released. Chan obviously didn’t want to be captured in this sleep-deprived state. Still, Hyunjin would have loved to see his expression, the microscopic changes in his face would tell him if he really loved the recording or not.
Chan nodded, weary eyes, “If you think you can do a better take, go for it, Hyunjin”
So he did, inhaling a breathful of air so he wouldn’t falter during his lines. He’d sounded too emotionless and mechanical and they were recording a love song. He had to pour his feelings into it, so he closed his eyes. The lyrics were embedded into his brain anyway. 
Chan began the backing track, and Hyunjin let his thoughts drift... They wandered into a familiar memory, one he usually saved for bedtime and when he was alone. His mind kept coming back to it. It was so fresh, but each day it was fading away, slipping out of his grasp and he felt the need to bottle up the memory and store it in a safe forever, where it would always be remembered. The twinkling fairy lights of the Château, the blue paint puddle on the floor, the paint you spilled on his shirt, the heated and frenzied first, second…and third kisses. The moment had been so short-lived. He had been so vulnerable that night. You’d seen him that night, truly seen him, and he still felt surprised at how much he’d divulged in you so easily. It was the realest he’d ever felt, like the rest of his life before and after was just a charade for his friends, for the cameras, for himself.
Maybe it was only with you that he was the real Hyunjin. The teasing and laughs over the chocolate strawberries and paint easels had been second nature and strangely familiar, like it wasn’t your first time doing this together, as if you had both been falling into patterns and habits of centuries ago. The most innocent actions felt crude, and cruel. Crude to kiss your cheek but not take it further. Cruel to give in to a desire he could never fulfil. Maybe every other moment in his life had been fabricated except for that night, that would explain why he was the happiest then. 
“Shit…what was that?” A voice interrupted him. Hyunjin snapped open his eyes to see Chan staring at him in disbelief. The backing track had gone onto the next verse now. He cleared his throat, “Um. Sorry I….spaced out. Let me record that again”
“Are you kidding me? That’s the best take you’ve ever given us” Chan laughed, in disbelief, stepping into the recording booth, “You sold that to me completely, Fuck. You almost made me tear up. You should do more ballads, Jinnie. That was amazing”
Hyunjin blinked at him, holding onto his headphones tightly, so unaware of himself, “I…I didn’t realise it was that good”
“Come on. Listen to it” Chan grabbed his arm, leading him out, and replaying what had just been recorded. Hyunjin almost didn’t recognise himself singing. He’d never sang like this before. Goosebumps rippled up his arms and neck, and he looked at Chan, “You’re right. That one turned out…really good”
“Damn. You can convince the audience that you’ve lived a thousand lives, been through a hundred heartbreaks. You convinced me. That was so real”
Hyunjin’s lips tugged into a smile, and he pushed his hands in his sweatshirt pockets, “It felt real to me too”
Chan wrapped up the recording, and then happily turned the company camera off, “Do you know what this means, Jinnie?”
“What?” Hyunjin asked, grateful they weren’t being recorded anymore. 
Chan stepped closer to him, a growing smile on his face, “We fucking finished this album, baby”
»»————-
Hyunjin was changing the water in the vase. He’d been desperately trying to keep the Hydrangeas alive, but that had been a failing task. So he’d found some time to buy some Cosmos, hoping he could draw them instead. It was almost autumn now, and the flower in bloom had changed, so he kept trying to adjust to it. It was harder than he thought. Chan's voice distracted him, “Are you coming to dinner with us? We’re thinking of trying that new Italian place”. Hyunjin looked up at him, “Shit. Is it okay if I bail? I was going to call Y/N later tonight. She wanted to paint together”
His eyebrows shot up, a small smile on his face, “Paint together? Is that a euphemism?”
Hyunjin rolled his eyes, switching the water tap off, “No. It's obviously not”
“Wouldn’t you love if it was?” Jisung smirked at him, walking into the kitchen. It seemed like all their serious, and unserious conversations often took place in this kitchen, their one common space. Chan laughed, “So how long will your paint date last? Should we bring you any takeout pizza?”
Hyunjin shrugged, glancing at the clock, “No, that’s okay, I’m not hungry. It’ll last a few hours maybe. Next week we’re going to be so busy with the press tour, I was hoping to finish a whole painting tonight. It’s easier if I’m doing it with her. I’m just more motivated then”
“There’s a word for that, you know?” Chan leaned forward on the counter, a teasing smile on his face, “She’s your proper muse”
Hyunjin laughed, not expecting him to say that, but he had been thinking about it. After all, that’s what had made the recordings so much easier. He was singing with you in mind. He denied it, “That’s really cheesy, even for you, Chan…”
“Eh, but it’s true. You should tell her that tonight”
Hyunjin smiled, already imagining your reaction to such a thing. He wouldn’t even know how he’d bring it up. Wouldn’t it be too much? Would you be embarrassed? He could recall all the times he’d catch you off guard with his compliments back in Daejon, your expression as if he’d said the most insane thing ever when Hyunjin was just appreciating you. Fuck. He really needed to see that reaction in person again. 
Every perfect summer memory only added to the weight of his longing in fall, and he decided it was time, “I’m gonna invite her to come to Seoul”
Changbin stood across the hall, having just come out of his room to catch the last bit of conversation. His eyebrows shot up, “You are…?”
Hyunjin swallowed, catching the boys' reactions as he revealed the plan, “I just bought the train tickets for her this morning, and while she's here she can stay in an apartment I rented out for her. It’s a few blocks away from ours, so she’s close enough to me, without it being suspicious”
Jisung frowned, “But if you rented it, your name would go down in the record”
“No, I already thought of that. I asked to use my aunt’s credit card, and she’s not a Hwang, so there won’t be any trace back to me”
Jisung leaned back in his chair, “You really thought of everything, huh? No loopholes?”
“No loopholes” Hyunjin nodded, hoping they’d approve of it because something like this would put them all under scrutiny and risk, “Well, as long as she says yes”
“Why wouldn’t she?” Changbin frowned, crossing his arms, “If I was her, I’d jump at the chance”
“Yeah, I know you would. There’s an apprenticeship she wanted in the city…but she didn’t get it yet. She may not want to come here anymore…in case it reminds her of that”
“Is there any chance she can still get it?”
Hyunjin shrugged, placing his palms on the counter as he thought over it, “I don’t know how it works. I’m trying to figure it out”
Chan sighed, seeing his dilemma, “Hey, if it’s in the stars…she’ll get it. She seems talented enough from what you tell me about her”
“She’s hellbent on believing she can’t get it. I’m going to try to convince her to apply again. It’s kind of frustrating. Without connections, it’s so hard to make anything out of it. I mean, when we were at the gallery, you introduced me to Karina. It was so easy. She saw my work, and immediately agreed to a fucking exhibition. Sometimes it feels kind of unfair. What did I do to deserve that? I know there are hundreds of artists better than me who should be getting exhibitions, but…I’m getting it just because I’m famous. It feels weird and privileged”
Chan sighed, “Hyun…I know what you mean, but…it’s unfortunately how things are. And it’s not like you’re misusing this. The fact that you recognise it in the first place is sometimes all we can do”
Hyunjin let out an exhale, staring off into the distance, when his phone pinged. It was a text from you.
hey! im all set up here. ready when you are :)
Chan grinned, handing him a cocktail he’d just made, “Go on then. We’ll head to dinner and we’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
Hyunjin smiled, rushing back to his room. In anticipation of this call, he’d already set up his work area. Ever since he’d been back, he hadn’t gotten too much time talking to you, so he would make the most of it. He set his glass down next to his MacBook, and laid out his canvas. Through the computer screen, he could see a glimpse of your room, which was messier than his. It had more personality, and it was more lived in. He realised he’d never had a chance to come to your place. He had a sudden urge to see how you set up your room and things, your little knick-knacks, the big teddy he won for you, your artwork curated over years. But from hundreds of miles of away, he could only see a little square of your life. You were biting down on a chip when he spoke, “I think you’re going to love the song I’m working on with Chan”
Your face changed, lighting up, “Yeah?” 
The connection wasn’t great, so all your responses were delayed, but Hyunjin hummed, proud, “It’s…a sexy, contemporary kind of R&B. I can imagine you liking it”
“When can I hear it?” 
He laughed at your eagerness, “We’re still writing it”
You nodded, going back to painting. He would surprise you soon with the ticket he bought you to Seoul, but he wanted to build up to it. Perhaps he could do a grand gesture, or leave you little hints to keep you wondering. He could only imagine how happy you’d be. He could show you his favourite places in the city, introduce you to the boys and you could finally see his life, in all it’s glory. It only felt fair after you’d let him into yours so warmly. He had fit into your life in town so easily, a puzzle piece falling into place, and he hoped he could make it the same for you. Obviously, there’d be less freedom, more restrictions but at least you wouldn’t be a stranger to his lifestyle anymore. Hyunjin took a moment to sip his drink, staring at his own work. getting the courage to say it, “Can I say something cheesy?”
“Yeah?”
He leaned over the webcam, so he could be infinitesimally closer to you, cheeks reddening, “When I get stuck in the middle of the writing process, I think of you, and it really helps”
He watched as you sat on your knees, curious, “What do you think about?”
He flushed, regretting how this made him sound so romantic when he wasn't trying to be, “You know…just our time together. Chan teases me about it. He says you’re my muse or whatever”
He saw your eyes widen, and a deep emotion overwhelmed you. He didn’t see you react more, and he wondered what this meant to you, what he meant to you right now, even so far away. You didn't say anything back. You must be holding it all in, just like him. Maybe you didn’t know how to put your thoughts into words. He couldn't blame you. Even after reading all the poems in the world, Hyunjin didn’t have the words either. Not enough anyway.
»»————-
It was supposed to be an informal gathering to celebrate the album, but it felt more like a full-fledged party. Their manager’s apartment had been completely transformed, no empty floor space as everybody from the company had gathered around for a hurrah. Hyunjin had a few drinks in his system already, enough to get him really going. He stood away from the crowd, tucked into a corner, phone pulled out, typing in a ridiculously cheesy message to you. The party was great, and he was so happy to have finished the album. All that was missing was you. The text started sounding far too cheesy, inspired by the love rot that the poetry books had filled in his brain, and slowly, it became more and more unhinged. The wine Chan brought must have got to his head, but he couldn't stop, all of his thoughts pouring out in a mixture of sentences that didn't really make any sense.
I want you here with me at this party. Fuck, it’s so dull without you. If you were here, we could just sneak off and…I would kiss you. Positively. My manager is here, the scary one, but he doesn’t have to know. Earlier, I was reading a book and there was an English word in it that reminded me of you. Saudade. I looked it up because I was so curious and it said it’s a state of melancholy for a beloved someone or something. I think that explains this ridiculous feeling I have when I think of you. I have it even when I’m not thinking of you. Like last week, when we were recording this one song. It’s like you’re here with me in everything. I guess what I’m saying is, I just want to kiss you really really badly and fuck I’m really drunk so I’m sorry for how this may sound but I just really need to feel you—
The phone was snatched from his hands, Changbin squinting to read the message, “Who are you texting in the middle of our party?”
Hyunjin flushed red. He was really drunk but he still noticed their manager to the side, and hushed, “Keep your voice down, Binnie”
He looked up, eyes wide, “Is this your idea of a sext?”
“What? no— it’s not a sext. I’m not sexting, what the hell”
“You’re like…weirdly poetic when you’re drunk”
Hyunjin closed his eyes, “Just…give me that”
He deleted the message. 
It was a bad idea to be sending you drunk messages anyway. He should just call you instead. Yeah. That sounded like a smarter, much better idea. Before he could dial your number, Changbin pulled him to the living room, and Hyunjin let himself be tugged along. Jisung was standing shirtless there, liquid smeared down his chest and abs. He was laughing, hair all messed up, clearly very tipsy, “Come on! Who’s next?”
Hyunjin did not intend to be a part of whatever this was, but Changbin pushed him ahead, “He’s up” But they were surrounded by company employees. Even the girl from the art gallery, Karina, was here and he flushed from the embarrassment. “I don’t even know what we’re doing” Hyunjin chuckled nervously, as Changbin hoisted him up over the table, handing him a quick shot to get the nerves out. Hyunjin downed it in a single sip, the liquid burning his throat. The state of his sobriety stopped him from protesting too much, until Jisung explained, “Body shots, of course. Pick your contender, Jinnie”
Hyunjin’s eyes widened, looking around the bunch of people, none of whom he felt comfortable touching him, but he saw a few of the women shy away, “I…I don’t know”
“I’ll do it” Chan laughed, stepping ahead from the crowd, “If that’s okay with you”
Jisung certainly seemed to have enjoyed it, and he wanted to give it a shot. He could be chill with this, but he would definitely blame the alcohol in him for how easily he went down on the table, and how easily he let Chan unbutton his black shirt. The overhead lights were too bright and Hyunjin closed his eyes, and his head was spinning. The music was pounding in his ears, the marble countertop cold to his back.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this” He laughed to himself, swept up in the environment as Changbin dripped tequila over his stomach. The chill liquid tickled him and he immediately squirmed, sending a shiver down his spine. He felt embarrassed for his reaction. Clearly, he was a novice to this party celebration, but he was also enjoying the attention.
“You ready, Jinnie?” Chan asked, looking up at him with a comforting smile. Chan was definitely drunk too in order to pull a stunt like this in front of the employees. They were absolutely loving it though and he could hear them all cheer them on. They never got to see the members in a more unprofessional environment than this one, and Hyunjin hoped none of them changed their opinion of him after this. He gave a quick thumbs up, facing the ceiling as he felt Chan’s mouth near his stomach. He sucked in a breath in anticipation, cheeks flushing from all this attention. He was used to people’s eyes on him, but this was so different and intimate. Somehow, his self-conscious part disappeared just as Chan licked a stripe of tequila up Hyunjin’s torso. He squirmed, a giggle escaping at the ticklish feeling, and Chan held him down, hand on his thigh, laughing, “Stop moving! You’ll get it on the table!”
Hyunjin stilled with the threat of ruining their manager’s table, eyes still closed as Chan finished licking the rest up until his chest, and his stomach was in knots. He couldn’t help but imagine this situation differently. Would you have partaken in this with him? How would that have looked like? If it was you doing this to him, instead of Chan? The little party activity would definitely have turned into something else by the end of it…and he knows he definitely would not be able to resist, not when your tongue was on his stomach and you were so close to him. The image sent a rush of blood through his body, thoughts that he should definitely not be indulging in when his best friend was doing body shots off him, and Hyunjin immediately sat up, bumping his head right into Chan’s. “Ouch!” Chan exclaimed, clutching his forehead, “Careful, Jin!”
“Um, sorry” He swallowed, jumping off the counter, embarrassment lingering from how he'd stupidly turned himself on in front of everyone he knew, “I felt sick”
“No worries” Chan laughed, oblivious to his friend's thoughts, patting his shoulder as everybody around them continued cheering them on, “You did good”
Hyunjin walked away, feeling sticky now, and he tried to wipe off the remaining with a kitchen towel. If it was you, he would have let you go all the way, until every stripe of tequila was gone from his body. And then some more.
He buttoned his shirt up again, hands shaking from the buzz, blood rushing to the parts that needed his attention. He needed to hear your voice. You didn’t even know he was at this party. It was so inconvenient to be so far away, trying to convey all that he felt through a mere text or phone call. He stood to the side, shaky fingers pulling up your contact until he heard your voice on the other end. “Guess what?” Hyunjin grinned.
“What?” Your voice was soft on the other end, so calm, grounding him in his drunkenness. A stark contrast to the lively atmosphere of his party and he could think straight again. Hyunjin smiled, “We finished the album. Like, for real. Every track is actually ready. We’re at my manager’s apartment, all of us, and the whole crew. It feels so fucking good”
He felt excited to hear your reaction. He was grinning ear to ear, as you congratulated him. He’d heard that today many times, but hearing it from you was incomparable. You were proud of him. He giggled, stumbling out of the hallway, blood rushing to his head, “Jisung made me drink…far too much. I liked the wine, though; Chan found it in this cool store, but then me and Binnie…we did body shots, and guess what? Chan fucking did body shots too! It was so insane. He also invited the girl from the art gallery, which is so funny. Apparently, she has connections in our industry too. She’s the daughter of —” 
“Wait, you did body shots?” You interrupted him.
Hyunjin nodded, walking around, trying to avoid anybody being able to pick up on his conversation. So many people were in this tiny apartment, and he wished he had more peace and quiet to talk to you. “It was insane. Just like Seungmin told us”
“I…can’t hear you, Hyun” You spoke.
“Sorry” He apologised, walking off towards the balcony, “Can you hear me now?”
“Yeah, I can”
“Fuck. I miss you so fucking much” He mumbled, voice dropping, and the rest of this party was fading from his vision, tunnel vision to you and your voice on the other end, “Why aren’t you here?”
Hyunjin thinks the only way he can stop missing you is if you start visiting him in your dreams. He wonders what sorcery he needs to do for that to happen. Could he visit you in your dreams? So you never grow apart, and find each other every single night. “I miss you too….but you should get back to the party—”
Hyunjin failed to notice Changbin creeping up on him, taking the phone away, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that Y/N?”
“Give me the phone back, Changbin!” Hyunjin sighed, all his poetic declarations disappearing into the void. At this point, he thinks he needs to maintain another diary just to write all the things he wishes to say to you but never does.
“Hey!” Changbin was talking to you, “You must be the girl who stole him away from us for months and months. I have every reason to hate you”
“Stop!” Hyunjin exclaimed, realising their managers stood nearby and the commotion had caught their ears, “Don’t announce it to the entire party.” Changbin laughed, “So tell me, on a scale of 1 to 10—”
“Changbin, give me my phone back!” Hyunjin tried to grab it.
“Let me finish!” Changbin laughed. Hyunjin’s head began to ache when he saw Jisung approach their chaos, “Fuck. Is that her?”
“Jisung, can you please ask him to give me my phone back?” He sounded like a broken record, like all his primary functions had ceased and wouldn’t function until he heard your voice again. “Is that Hyunjin’s girlfriend?” Jisung asked, loudly. It was loud enough that their managers heard it, ears perking up and glancing at Hyunjin. One of their managers, Eunwoo raised an eyebrow, tilting his head. This was the first he’d heard of this, and goosebumps rippled up Hyunjin’s neck at what this could mean.
His voice dropped, stepping back towards his meddling friends, “Stop, Jisung. She’s just my friend. How many times do I have to say that, and don’t announce it to the party!”
“Then I can have her?” Changbin interrupted, oblivious to his surroundings. Hyunjin yanked the phone back, and he was pissed, but he wouldn’t blame them. They were only messing about. He let out a breath, “Hey, I’m so sorry. They…took you hostage”
Your voice sounded far away, resigned, “That’s okay. Don’t worry about it. You should enjoy the party, Hyun” Panic built up in his throat at the thought of you leaving, “No, no, I called you because I missed you”
“I can’t really even hear you,” You said, crushing his heart and soul to irreparable pieces. Maybe he was being dramatic, but perhaps he needed you to breathe, “We can just talk tomorrow. Please just have a good time tonight, okay?”
Hyunjin was ready to protest, bear his heart out to keep you a little while longer. What was the point of celebrating his success if he couldn't share it with you right now? Isn't that why he'd pushed himself so hard this time? So he could impress you with all the songs he'd written with only you in mind. He’d leave the party if he had to, just so you wouldn’t go. Before he could declare his insanity of wanting to talk to you, Eunwoo stepped closer to him. His eyes were narrowed, a tell-tale sign, disapproving head tilt. Hyunjin had lost the opportunity, and he said, “All right. I’ll call you later”
With no qualms about destroying the party's vibe, Eunwoo asked curiously, “Who are you talking to?”
“Nobody” Hyunjin panicked, hanging up. He shoved the phone into his pocket, and it burned into him. Eunwoo sighed, “I heard Jisung mention a girlfriend. Is there something you want to share?”
He shook his head, unease settling into him or maybe he was just about to throw the fuck up, “Can we…not talk about this right now? I mean, we’re at a party”
Eunwoo stared at him, as if dissecting all of Hyunjin's deepest, darkest secrets, gaze burning through him. Then he nodded with a smile, “Of course, Hyunjin. You should celebrate”
Hyunjin’s nerves calmed down and he began walking away. Maybe now he could return to enjoying the rest of the night.  But of course, Eunwoo stopped him, hand over his shoulder “We’ll talk about it first thing in the morning though. I want to see you seven AM, in my office”
Hyunjin suppressed a groan, bile rising up his throat at what this could possibly mean, “Oh. Okay”
Eunwoo patted his shoulder, before walking back to the party, “Don’t be late, Hwang”
»»————-
He definitely didn’t feel human stepping into the office, a mere three hours later. He hadn’t got any sleep. He had just enough time to head home, shower, and wipe the remnants of tequila off his stomach before heading here. The body shots didn’t sound like a great idea now. His shirt was sticky and ruined. His head hurt, and he was surprised that Eunwoo wasn’t hungover. He’d probably gouged on hangover soup last night, and he sat in a crisp suit-and-tie across the table. He looked up at him, cheery smile, “Morning, Hwang”
Hyunjin sat in the uncomfortable office chair, squinting against the lights that hurt his sensitive eyes, “Good morning…”
“Did you have a good time at the party last night?”
Hyunjin nodded, putting on a smile, “Yes. It was nice”
Eunwoo was their nicest manager, he’s the only reason Hyunjin had been able to go back home and he certainly liked him the most. He was miles better than Kim Soohyun, the guy who basically decided Hyunjin’s life. But now…it seemed like Eunwoo had been sent by his higher-ups to sweet-talk Hyunjin, “You certainly seemed to enjoy it, but sadly, I didn’t see too much of you. We would have liked to get a drink with you”
“Ah, I was with the boys most of the night” He answered. Could this meeting not have been an email? His head was pounding and he couldn’t focus on anything.
Eunwoo tilt his head, picking up on his irritation, “Say it. Whatever’s on your mind”
“No disrespect. I…just don’t understand why we need to talk about this right now”
“Why? Because it’s a Sunday and most people don’t have to go to work today, or because you drank too much last night?” He laughed, leaning back in his chair. There was a stress ball in his hands and Eunwoo kept tossing it back and forth. 
Hyunjin bit his lip, “No, I’m fine. I’m just a bit tired”
“Because it may be a day off for everyone in the country, but not for you. I’m sure you’re aware of that. After all, superstars don’t get to where they are by slacking off”
Hyunjin frowned, “I understand. Is there a specific reason you wanted to see me today?”
Eunwoo put down the stress ball in his hands, expression suddenly turning serious, “Look, kid. If I could turn a blind eye to this, I would. Trust me. I hate doing this as much as you hate hearing it, but Kim Soohyun was at the party too. He overheard things. I’m accountable to him, and you’re accountable to me”
Hyunjin sank into his seat, “So…am I in trouble or something?”
Eunwoo clasped his hands, “Depends…did you do something to get you into trouble?”
“No, I didn’t, Eunwoo”
He leaned forward on the desk, hands folded under his chin, “There was quite a lot of talk about a girlfriend last night. You never mentioned that to me”
Hyunjin let out a sigh, “There’s no girlfriend. The boys were dicking around”
Eunwoo gave him a tight-lipped smile, “Then, who were you talking to? On the phone when I saw you? Surely your parents wouldn't be awake that late”
“Just…a friend from back home. They’re not important”
“Look, Hyunjin. I hate to pry. Your personal life is entirely yours but not when it concerns your image or the company, or god forbid, the media. If you are dating somebody, you have to let me know so I can be prepared for when it eventually gets out to the media”
Hyunjin’s head began to hurt exponentially more and maybe he should never have called you last night, “I’m not dating anybody, Eunwoo”
Eunwoo nodded. Clearly, he didn’t believe him. He’d known and managed Hyunjin for years. He'd known him since he was fifteen. He could see right through him and wished he was a better liar. “You’re gonna have to give me more than that”
Hyunjin sighed, sitting up straighter as if that could convince him better, “She’s just an old friend, from back home”
Eunwoo raised an eyebrow, and then leaned back in his chair, “Okay, I’ll believe you. I hope you’ve already passed along the contract to her”
He frowned, “What, the NDA? I’m not dating her, why does she have to sign it?”
“Well yes, you’re not, but clearly you and her are close if you’re drunk calling her from a work party. She could have the wrong idea, if she goes around telling people a different story…that’ll be a problem”
“She is not going to tell anyone”
“You don’t know what girls can be capable of to get fame. An argument with you, if someone bribes her, if she sees any opportunity, she could go to the media—”
“Y/N is not like that” Hyunjin interrupted, a surge of bitterness ripping through at the assumptions.
Eunwoo’s eyebrows shot up, “Y/N…that’s her name”
He wished he could take back that information. It was too late. He released a breath, “Look, you’re not making her sign any contracts. We’re not romantically involved. There are no legal obligations. Am I not even allowed to have fucking friends anymore?”
Eunwoo closed his eyes, “Don’t get angry on me, Hyunjin. You’re not stupid. This is how it’s been for years. The rules won’t change for you. It’s going to be difficult to manage these rumors after you already took half a year off to yourself and with Jisung’s trial and Chan and Kairi’s…whatever the hell they’re doing. You say you’re not dating this girl, I’m going to trust you on that. But if at any point that changes or the girl goes to the news, the company will have to step in. For example, she talks to somebody about her…special friendship with you. Kim Soohyun won’t think twice before suing her for defamation”
Hyunjin saw red, and he clenched his fists as to not react. Defamation? “I get it, Eunwoo”
He nodded, putting a document on the table and sliding it to him, “If anything changes, you have to let me know. I have to be ready to release a statement”
“What, a statement…for what?” Hyunjin stared at the files. An NDA and a press release statement. This was absolutely insane. Nothing had even happened, and they were preparing for the worst case scenario. No, they were waiting for it. 
“You’ve been in this industry long enough, Hwang. We must inform the public and fanbase…if you’re in a relationship. If we keep it to ourselves and it gets out anyway, the backlash would be immense. Now, don’t worry. We can always try to keep her identity secret if you’re worried about her safety and with threats and everything, but—”
Hyunjin stood up in panic, blood rushing to his head, “That’s not happening. There’s not gonna be any threats to her…or announcements”
Eunwoo looked up at him, blinking blankly, “Okay… I appreciate the sentiment but that’s not entirely in your hands. The press tour starts today. All eyes are going to be on the four of you. The whole damn country is talking about you, Hyunjin. We can’t afford a scandal. Kim Soohyun has me in a tight grip. I have faith in you that nothing happens to throw that off”
He swallowed, nails digging into his palm from his emotions, “Yeah. It won’t”
Clearly, his plans of bringing you to the city to visit him were down the fucking drain. He’d be lucky if he could even get a phone call with you anymore. 
“Also if you’re using the company phone to stay in contact with her, I suggest you change that. It shouldn’t be traced back to us”
Hyunjin nodded, and he wasn’t even dating you but the worst was already happening. This was what he’d feared the whole time. There was no point. There was a bitter taste in his mouth and he asked, “Is that going to be all?”
Eunwoo nodded, “You should take these documents with you, just in case. HR were happy to print them out for me this morning. They also told me you’ve been hanging out in the romance section a lot in the company library”
So he had absolutely no privacy anymore either. Hyunjin snatched the folder, carelessly holding the files in his hand, with no intention of ever using them. He wouldn’t let the press statement or NDA document anywhere near you. In fact, they’d be tossed in the trash as soon as he was home. He headed for the door and couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He needed to decompress. He couldn’t show up to practice this pissed and this wound up. He’d explode, and the boys didn’t deserve that. 
Eunwoo’s voice stopped him, “Oh, and congratulations, Hyunjin”
Hyunjin turned around, gripping the doorknob in blind fury. It felt like a taunt, a joke. There was nothing to congratulate him for. He couldn’t even keep his friends close without it exploding into a big deal. What did he even have to be grateful for? He looked right at Eunwoo, and his lack of sleep made him more irritable, “For…what?”
Eunwoo smiled warmly, his entire demeanour changing, “The album pre-sales are the biggest we’ve ever seen. You’re a global superstar now. You should feel very, very lucky, kid"
»»————-
“Can you stand still for me, please?” The assistant responsible for touching up Hyunjin’s face asked. He nodded, letting her put rosy tint on his cheeks, blending it with the contour. He’d been here for what easily felt like hours, and through the mirror he could see that Changbin was just about done with his makeup. 
The week leading up to the release was always the hardest. Somebody tugged at his hair and he resisted the urge to grimace. They didn’t deserve his terrible mood; they were only doing their job. The hairstylist apologised, noticing Hyunjin’s sour expression, “Sorry. Eunwoo said we need to get started on your hair right now; the other boys are already ready.” Hyunjin nodded, letting himself be manhandled by three different women as they struggled to put his hair into braids, “Have you been using the product we gave you?”
“Hmm?”
“Your hair’s thinning out, especially the bleached roots” The lady mumbled, disappointed.
“Yeah, I have” Truthfully he’d forgotten, a grave mistake for someone in his industry, but he’d been too caught up in everything else. His stomach rumbled and he hadn’t had time to grab breakfast this morning, so he looked around until he spotted one of their assistants, “Rowoon, could you please get me some honey butter chips—”
“Stay still, please” The makeup assistant repeated. Hyunjin straightened up, speaking through his teeth, “…or ramyeon?”
Rowoon looked at him through the mirror, eyebrows shooting up, “Um. Are you sure? You have a pre-recording tomorrow”
“I…haven’t eaten since last night” Hyunjin replied.
“Last time you ate it…your face got pretty swollen, and you were pretty beat up about not looking great in the music show” Rowoon said, grimly smiling.
Hyunjin nodded, gut hurting at that memory of his swollen face, “Right. Never mind. Forget it. Thank you”
“How long are we filming for today?” Jisung asked, adjusting his headset in the back. Rowoon looked between them, “Well, you guys are booked until 4 PM”
Hyunjin’s eyebrows shot up, and he glanced at his phone. 6:43 am. Fuck.
Changbin walked by, patting Hyunjin on the shoulder, slipping toffees into his palm, “That’ll fill you up before the interviews”. The candy looked less than appetising, but it was his only option, and he reached to eat some, just as the lady stopped him to apply lip tint to his mouth. Today was going to be a long fucking day.
They were almost done with his hair, braiding it at the top of his head, secured with glitter barrettes. It was an elaborate hairstyle, and he feared he’d ruin it if he moved. It was like walking on eggshells, like his slightest touch would crumble things. Well, everything already seemed to be crumbling. Hyunjin hadn’t been in the best of moods since his talk with Eunwoo, and the possibilities of how everything could go wrong loomed over him. The worst he’d feared for was already happening, things set in motion and no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop it from worsening. The company knew your name. They knew of your existence. They’d already restricted him. There’s no way in hell Hyunjin would be able to bring you to Seoul, much less meet you in this city without a hundred documents or cameras being thrown at you. Slowly, all his happiness that had been built up carefully and precisely, was turning into bitterness.
“Have you seen Chan?” Rowoon asked, in the reflection of the vanity mirror. Hyunjin shook his head. He’d been sitting on this chair for forty five minutes straight. How the hell would he know where Chan was? The hunger and frustration was getting to him, and he shook his head, calming himself down.
“May I go now?” He looked up at the hair assistant.
She nodded, “Just no quick movements. The hairspray is still settling in”
Now that he could properly look at himself, it looked good. Having longer hair always set him at the mercy of experimentation for new styles, and often crazy accessories. He smiled at them, pushing the chair back to stand, “Of course. Thank you so much for your hard work. It’s beautiful”
In other circumstances, he’d snap a picture and send you, but…he’d been on eggshells with you too. Inadvertently, the conversation with Eunwoo had created distance. Hyunjin hated that because none of this was your fault. You shouldn’t be subject to this silence from him, but he was constantly looking over his shoulder, paranoid that he’d be caught and it was getting tiring. His carelessness at the party had led to this. He wanted to fully blame himself for not having any self-control when he drunk called you. Yet, a part of him knew that even without the doomed phone call, somehow everybody would have found out anyway. It was only a matter of time. Things never stayed stable for too long in his life.
He walked into the hallway, hoping to find an empty room. There were usually a few reserved for stage props. He could have a few moments to himself, just to talk to you. That could calm him down, and he could apologise for his distance. He didn’t know how he’d begin to explain what was happening to you. To anybody else, it’d seem like he was pushing you away and he hoped you understood that it was never his intention.
A door was ajar, sliver of light leaking out into the hallway. He stopped in his tracks, familiar voices inside. He didn’t meant to eavesdrop, but they were so loud, “What do you want me to say? I’m doing absolutely everything I can! Jisung’s trial is already—”
“Don’t bring Jisung into this…” Kairi’s exasperated voice interrupted, “What’s going on with him is different. You always do this, Chris! Why are you making this your problem?”
“I’m sorry? They’re my bandmates. They’re my friends. Of course I’m going to take their burden!”
“Jisung is an adult, he’s perfectly capable of—“
“I made a promise to all of them, Kairi. I’m not jumping ship when they need me the most” Chan sounded so frustrated.
She groaned, “I’m not asking you to jump ship. But Chris you haven’t slept in three fucking days! You’re…barely eating. This is not living”
Hyunjin didn’t know that, and his blood ran cold at the information as Chan replied, “This isn’t your problem Kairi. It’s…my problem to deal with. I have to make sacrifices—”
“I had to quit my job because of you, Chris!” She trailed off, Hyunjin’s eyes widened, and he flinched at the aggressive tone. He wasn’t new to their arguments, especially over the last month, but none were like this. This felt like the culmination of something that had been building for months, even years. Kairi was always so sweet, and her volume returned to normal, “I mean…I had to quit because of us. I made sacrifices too. So yes, it is my problem”
Chan’s voice dropped, “Well, I don’t want you to make sacrifices for me”
“That’s what people do when they love each other. I’m sorry but that’s just a reality you’re going to have to accept Chris”
“Do we…have to talk about this now? The interviews start soon, and I can’t focus on them—” 
“I’m so worried about you, Channie. I don’t know how you’re going to make it through the morning”
Chan groaned, “I don’t know either, but I have to do it for the boys. I can’t…let them down”
Hyunjin’s chest ached now, a different kind of pain settling in. Why were they all making sacrifices for each other? They were only in their twenties, pushing for their dreams; this instability shouldn’t be normal.
Kairi sighed, “See, that’s exactly the problem. Why do you always take the blame for everything? Even when Hyunjin was gone, you made it your mission to do damage control for him. Not everything has to be your burden”
At the mention of his name, he really should walk away and learn to mind his own business, but he couldn’t help but overhear, feet rooted to the floor as Chan’s voice softened with a new desperation and frustration, “They mean everything to me. You know that”
“They do to me too, Chris. I know this is a horrible time”
“Hyunjin?” He heard Jisung’s voice call for him in the hallway. He needed to head back. An entire press and interview team was waiting for them, only a few rooms over and if he listened any further, he’d be in no state of mind to answer questions. But of course as he stepped away, he picked up on the last bit of conversation, “Did you know HR gave Hyunjin the papers?” Chan laughed bitterly, “They’re already prepared for the worst”
Kairi sighed, and he could hear her footsteps as she moved closer to Chan. Only dread filled his stomach as he heard the next sentence out of her mouth, “That’s their job. You have to not make it your problem this time, Chan, I’m…so worried about your health. And that’s Hyunjin’s responsibility. He knew what he was getting into when he started seeing her. It was bound to happen. It always does.”
Hyunjin didn’t stick around to hear Chan’s response.
He had heard enough.
»»————-
“Hyun, can I come see you?”
The question was expected, but Hyunjin was shocked when you said it anyway. He froze, choking at his words. A few days ago, he would have been overjoyed at this. After all, he’d already bought the tickets and made all the arrangements for you to come see him, but…things had changed. It was too risky. He didn’t have the heart to tell you about his conversation with Eunwoo. What was the point after all? Hyunjin let out an awkward fucking chuckle, “W-what?”
“Um, sorry that sounds out of nowhere. I just…I really want to meet you. I miss you, and it sounds like you’re going through a lot. Maybe it’ll help.” Your voice was far away, drenched in longing.
It wasn’t out of nowhere, it was only what Hyunjin had been planning since forever. But nothing went to his fucking plans, “I…I’m not sure, Y/N”
Your voice deflated, disappointed, “Yeah?”
His heart broke, but it had become increasingly clear that it would be the dumbest idea ever to have you come visit. If anybody saw them…if anything got out…he wasn’t prepared to deal with that, “Yeah. Fuck, I’m so sorry but I…I don’t think I can meet you. Right now, with everything that’s going on, I honestly don’t have the time and…”
“Yeah. I understand” Of course you understood, no matter how shitty Hyunjin kept behaving. For once, he wished you’d actually yell at him.
“I’m sorry” He swallowed, and he could feel the life being sucked out of him.
Your response was sweet as usual, “It’s okay. It’s bad timing”
“It’s bad timing” He repeated, and Hyunjin suddenly had a horrible feeling that maybe this was the last straw. Things had slipped out of his control. Soon, eventually, you would too.
»»————-
The seasons were changing, but flowers bloomed all year long in Seoul, and so Hyunjin had prepared early. He’d bought the Camellia seeds so he could grow winter flowers on his own, and see their life unfold before his eyes. Even if everything else seemed to be falling apart, at least he could try to be consistent and paint his feelings away. The yellow falling leaves and orange tree cover taken over the city inspired his many paintings. Usually, you’d send him pictures of every little detail from back home, especially of changing landscapes and beautiful natural sights of town, but you hadn't shared anything the past week. He wondered what autumn would look like in Daejon. Now that his conversations with you were thinning out, he had an irrational fear that he’d never find out. 
“Everything okay?”
“Sorry?” Hyunjin snapped out of it, and Changbin looked at him, concerned. “You’re in your head again. Is something bothering you?”
Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut, and sighed, “No, I’m good”
Changbin clearly wasn’t convinced, because his expression softened, and he reached a hand out, “Hey, why don’t you go wait in the car? I’ll bring the Americano out to you”
But he was so past being taken care of or worried about. So Hyunjin shook his head. The idea of waiting in the car sounded absolutely horrible right now. He needed fresh air, and he was perfectly capable of getting his own cup of coffee.
“No, I got this. Why don’t you let me get this for us?” Hyunjin asked, pushing his hands deeper into his jacket pockets. It was getting colder by the day, and even in this temperature-controlled cafe, he was cold to the bone. Changbin grinned, shooting him a cheesy wink, “Well, I’ll never say no to being treated by you”
A smile tugged at Hyunjin’s lips. Changbin could find the brevity in each situation. Hyunjin walked up to the cashier, placing an order for their usual. “Could I have two coffees, black, please?” He asked. The cashier, a girl probably in her 20s, smiled wide at Hyunjin, “Is that all?”
He glanced at the pastry counter, and everything looked so appetising. Yet he was on a diet and couldn’t afford to do this. Everybody would be so disappointed in him, “No, that’s all”
“Sorry, but do…I know you?” She asked, punching in his order. Hyunjin’s brows shot up, and he thought he’d concealed his identity enough with the hat, but clearly the rest of his expensive outfit was a dead give-away that was he was some big shot. They had another schedule after this, so they were dressed up and he was draped head-to-toe in luxury items, “Um. I just have one of those faces, I guess”
The girl didn’t look convinced, “Right…I’ll have your coffee out in a few minutes”
He stepped aside, joining his friend to the side. Changbin had a huge grin on his face still and Hyunjin was thankful to have his positivity surround him, “That chick was totally flirting with you”
“What?” Hyunjin shook his head, pushing the receipt in his coat pocket, “She barely said two words. You think everyone’s flirting with me”
“Well, why are her and all her friends giggling and looking at you?” Changbin rolled his eyes. Hyunijn looked back, and sure enough, the cashier and her coworkers were looking at him. Maybe they shouldn’t have come in here today. It was too close to the comeback. He shook that thought from his head. He was desperate for coffee.
“Excuse me, sir? Your coffee is ready” The girl said, and Hyunjin stepped back up. She was smiling, flushing red under her uniform cap, and as she handed them the cups he noticed a piece of paper stuck to it. Changbin glanced at it, eyes widening as they stepped away, “Is that her number?”
“I don’t know” Hyunjin mumbled, unfurling the paper. This definitely was the most romantic way he’d been asked out. It was her Instagram handle, and a note was stuck to it, Hope you liked the coffee, handsome. Maybe we could get a stronger drink later tonight? 
“Wow” Hyunjin’s brows shot up, and he pushed the note into his pocket too. It’d be thrown away later, “That’s…certainly a bold move”
“Please tell me you’re going on that date”
Hyunjin shook his head, amused at how light-hearted dates and budding love could be for Changbin, “I…have plans”
“What plans? You’re a recluse”
“I was going to talk to Y/N tonight—” He trailed off, eyes landing on someone familiar in the crowd. Hyunjin’s breath hitched.
It was a while since he’d seen her. Years, at this point.
She was sat at a far table, laughing over a cup of coffee and croissants. She seemed better than she had in years. Happier than she’d ever been around Hyunjin. Right now, she was glowing. The cause of her happiness seemed to be a boy sitting across her. A guy dressed in flannel and suit pants, chunky glasses on his face. Hyunjin couldn’t look away as the boy leaned forward, kissing her cheek quickly. She smiled, and then the cashier called out, “Coffee for Yujin”
She kissed the boy before standing up. She walked towards them, and Hyunjin was still standing stupidly at the counter. She noticed him, eyes widening, coming to a stop. Almost instantly, the life drained from her face. 
A stark difference from a moment ago, when she was so happy. Hyunjin didn’t know what to do; he raised a hand; a small, non-threatening wave. Things between them had ended in peace, after all. Yujin’s face traversed many expressions before she settled on a calm look, “Hyunjin. Wow…hi. This…is such a surprise. Hello…Changbin”
Hyunjin nodded, hoping this interaction wasn’t being watched, “It’s…been a while, Yujin”
She was still beautiful, smiling to diffuse the tension, “I didn’t expect to see you around here”
Hyunjin nodded, hands squeezing his coffee cup, “Yeah. I…don’t come here too often”
She nodded, familiarity returning to her gaze, “Ah. Too easy to get recognised?”
Hyunjin nodded along, even though that wasn’t the reason. He hated how his life seemed to revolve around his fame, and not his choices, like maybe he didn’t come here because he just liked another coffee shop more. Changbin took over, noticing the awkward shift in Hyunjin, “Um, so how have you been, Yujin? You look good!”
She smiled at him, “I’m great. I’m actually doing really well… I, uh, moved out of the city, closer to the outskirts”
“Really?” Hyunjin asked. He wondered why she would make such a decision. She’d trained with him for years, until she’d suddenly dropped out of the idol industry, but back when Hyunjin knew her and dated her, they had the same ambitions. The same thirst to be recognized, to be respected, and known for their talent. That’s why they had got along so well.
“Hmm, the city got too much for me sometimes. Anyway after I met Haru, it just seemed like the right choice to make”
“Haru. Is that…your boyfriend?” Hyunjin asked, noticing the boy back at the table. 
“Well…” She giggled, lifting her hand up to show them the glittering, gorgeous ring, “Fiancé, actually”
Changbin’s eyes widened, “You’re engaged?”
She nodded, a dimple in her cheek, “Haru asked me a few months ago”
Hyunjin forced himself to smile, but there was a deep pit in his stomach, recalling the conversations they used to have back in their days as trainees. They were never that serious to talk about weddings, or marriage. They both knew it was only an attraction between them and would stay that way, but he remembered a specific conversation where Yujin had said that the only disadvantage of becoming famous was the love life they’d be giving up. He was happy for her now. She hadn’t had to give it up after all, “Congratulations, Yujin. That’s…really good”
“Never too early to settle down, am I right?” She laughed, “What about you, Jinnie? How have you been?”
“I’m…good too. So…what are you doing these days?” He redirected the conversation back, curiosity brimming at him. What did someone do once they’d left the idol life? They were free to do absolutely anything, the choices were limitless. He’d never known a life without rules. He’d been training since he was fourteen, after all. She shrugged, “I’m doing a bit of everything. I volunteered at an organisation for a while, I tested my hand at photography, modelling even, but then I realised I really don’t want to be around cameras of any kind” She laughed, “I teach now, though”
“That sounds really nice, Yujin. I’m glad you get to do something you love”
“Well, you too! You’re absolutely thriving, Hyunjin. I see you every day with all your brand deals and advertisements. Does it ever get tiring being pretty all the time?”
Hyunjin smiled, “It’s…part of my job”
“Well, you deserve it. I remember how focused you used to be. You were my motivation, you know? It should have been obvious that life wasn’t for me. I hated everything. My favourite part of the academy used to be seeing you” At those words, the boy, Haru joined her, slipping an arm around her waist, “Everything all right, baby?”
She glanced at him, “Shit, I totally forgot to get the coffee. Just ran into some old friends”
Haru laughed, “Don’t worry, I’ll get it for us, babe.” He kissed her again, with no hesitance of being seen by so many people, and went to pick up the drinks. Changbin conversed with Haru, as Yujin asked Hyunjin, “I read that you went on a break for a couple of months. That must have been…wow, relieving?”
He swallowed, “Yeah, it was really good, but…I’m back to work now”
“That must’ve been nice. I don’t know how you do it, Hyunnie. I remember when we training together, you wouldn’t leave the practice room for days. Still the same?”
Hyunjin nodded. Yujin had changed so much from when he’d last met her. Had he changed at all?
Haru smiled at him, “Thank you for taking good care of her then. She tells me about those days a lot. It must have been thrilling to keep it a secret from everyone”
Hyunjin shook his head, smiling politely at him, “It was terrifying actually” 
They laughed. Haru pulled Yujin into his side again as she said, “Well…this was unexpected, but if your schedule permits, you and the boys are always welcome to the engagement party. It’s the end of December”
Changbin sighed dramatically, “Unfortunately, we’re working the whole month”. Yujin frowned, “That’s terrible….I would suggest catching up after that but…me and Haru are going to be gone for three months”
“Oh, where are you going?” Changbin asked.
“Backpacking through Europe” She responded chirpily, “Haru’s really into art and sculptures, so we have this silly idea to visit every museum in Paris”
“That sounds really good” Hyunjin smiled, but he was drowning so deep in his thoughts he could barely focus. What a nice life. It was strange, the last time he saw her, she was in the same boat as him. Training to be an idol, like him. But their paths had diverged, and envy settled in him. He was so lucky to have his life, but he wished he could just take off like that too on vacation, no questions asked. Changbin’s phone buzzed and he apologised, ”Um sorry to stop this, but we gotta go. Eunwoo’s calling us back in to work”
Hyunjin nodded, “Oh, of course. It was great to meet you Yujin, and you too, Haru. Congratulations again, on the engagement. I hope you have a good time in Europe. I’m really happy for you”
Suddenly the expensive bracelets he was wearing felt like shackles around Hyunjin’s wrists. 
»»————-
A fire burned within him, a quiet inferno consuming his peace. He couldn’t stop thinking about Yujin and what her life was like now. She’d rebuilt it to something so special. She would never have that peace of life if she’d stayed in her company or with Hyunjin. He sat at the company table, signing albums, and it was a monotonous task so his thoughts kept drifting. 
“Jinnie. Your phone” Jisung mumbled, poking him with a pen. Hyunjin lift his head to see it buzzing across the table. You were calling. He took a breath, walking out to talk to you. You were the only thing that could make this horrible fucking day better. He hoped you weren’t still upset at him rejecting your offer to come to the city. Hopefully, you’d understand. Everything was too treacherous. Hyunjin…was too treacherous for you right now. Still, he listened to you about your day, and how you’d apparently made up with Yongbok. He smiled, lowering his voice as employees passed him in the corridor, “What did you guys do?”
As you told him everything he wished he was doing with you instead, Hyunjin faded into thought again until you said, “Um…and something else happened. When we were talking, Yongbok said something…He told me he loves me. That he has his entire life”
He wished he was more surprised.
A cynical stupid part of him was happy at this. So Yongbok finally told you. Bitterness settled into his veins, scorching him from the inside out, and Hyunjin found himself thinking that maybe with Yongbok, you could finally have the life he couldn’t give you.
When he got home that night, he realised the hydrangeas in his room had withered away completely.
»»————-
He woke to fresh flowers on his desk. Baby blue, lilac, pink and white. All shapes and colors. The scent is what woke him up. It starkly contrasted to the dying hydrangeas that he still hadn’t thrown away. He’d been meaning to draw them in that state. A cruel render of their destruction. 
The comeback was in a few days. Their album would finally be out to the public. There was so much to do today, and he lay in bed just a little longer to enjoy the temporary peace. A press conference was underway soon, and he would have to put on his best self. It was going to be live-streamed and there were no doubts that he’d be asked about the hiatus. He worried if the music would be well received, if it would surpass everyone’s expectations. Hyunjin finally crawled out of bed and read the little notes attached to the bouquets. Congratulations on your 4th successful studio album. Never forget how lucky and blessed you are~!
He walked into his kitchen, sweatpants hanging low, sleep clouding him, to see even more flowers on the island. “Who sent these?” He asked, rubbing his eyes.
Jisung looked sorrowful though, ignoring the bouquets entirely.
“What’s wrong?” Hyunjin asked, the worst scenarios playing in his head.
He swallowed, “They broke up”
His stomach was a pit at the news, “When?”
“Late last night. Chan…still hasn’t come home yet. We have no idea where he is”
“What? How do you know they broke up?”
“Kairi texted Binnie. She was worried. We can’t find him anywhere…”
“I’m going to call him" Hyunjin said, rushing to his room.
“We already tried that, Jinnie” Changbin spoke, “We’ve been trying since an hour”
“Maybe he’ll pick up my call” Hyunjin hoped, as the ringer rang in his ear. After eight rings, Chan did pick up. “Hello, Chan?” Hyunjin asked, voice soft. Jisung and Changbin moved closer, eyes wide as they observed him. Chan sounded low on the other end, “Jinnie…? Is everything okay?”
“Yes. I’m okay. Where are you, Channie? Are you all right?”
“I’m…fine. Don’t worry. I’ll be back in time for the conference”
“No, can I please come get you? Let me” Hyunjin pleaded. There was a pause, and a sigh and then Chan said, “I’m at the old dorm”
“I’ll be right there” Hyunjin hung up.
“No, we’re coming with” Jisung said, stepping ahead.
“Guys. Let me…just do this on my own. Eunwoo would kill us if none of us are here. Me and Chan will make it to the press conference, I promise”
Hyunjin couldn’t drive fast enough. For a second, he worried he would forget the way to their old house but it was embedded into him. It’s where they’d had their whole beginning, and Hyunjin got there in record time. Kairi meant everything to Chan, and he couldn’t imagine what he’d be feeling right now. Chan was always there for him, and he felt personally responsible to make sure he was all right. The old dorm building looked run-down; it had been falling apart for years, even when the boys lived there, and he chose the stairs over the rusty old elevator. On the fourth floor, there was an alcove. It was hidden behind a door that was sometimes locked, but he pushed it open. Chan was sitting inside, on the window seat, a soft smile on his face when he saw Hyunjin approach.
“Just you?” He tilt his head, seeing nobody else follow, “I thought the cavalry would show up”
Hyunjin shot him a soft smile, leaning against the door, “Just me….can I join you?”
Chan pat the empty seat next to him, and Hyunjin sat down. This is where Chan was always found, back when they still lived here. It’s where he came to think. To write their greatest hits. To ponder about life’s biggest mysteries. It was always his place, and Hyunjin could see why he loved it so much. It was hidden, like a secret room. Ignoring the cobweb in the corner, it was cosy. A faded old painting hung on the wall, rickety floorboards that probably hid treasures inside, a window that looked out onto an alley. The alley was something special in itself. It was between two apartment buildings, and a little bakery was carved into the side of the building. The few times Hyunjin sat here with Chan, he’d seen bakers arrive at three in the morning, loading powdered sugar and other ingredients in, creating storms and clouds of sugar. It was always a beautiful sight.
“What happened, Chan?” Hyunjin ended up asking, cutting to the chase. They both knew why he was here. Chan swallowed, looking wistful, “I’m fine, if that’s what you’re wondering. I’m going to be okay. I just needed…a day to let the sadness out”
“You can take more than that” 
“Not really. I can’t afford to, not this week. I gotta put on my best self”
“We’ll understand if you don’t.” Hyunjin frowned, admirable of Chan’s resolve, “If you want to talk about it, I’m here” Chan glanced at him, a smile on his face, “I know you are, Jinnie. You’re actually the best, and the worst person to talk to this about”
“Why the worst?” Hyunjin frowned.
Chan laughed, “You don’t want to hear the good part first?”
“No…”
“The worst because…I know what you felt about me and Kairi… I feel responsible for how you see the world, crazy as that sounds. I know you had to hear our arguments the past few weeks, I’m sorry about that. I feel like I took away all your hope.”
Hyunjin swallowed, “It’s not your fault. I’ve had minimal hope to begin with”
Chan laughed, loudly, “God, Jinnie, that’s really fucked up, you know? It shouldn’t be this way. We should be out there, showing our girls the best time”
“You shouldn’t apologize to me for your break up, Chan,” Hyunjin emphasized.
“Wow. Breakup. That sounds insane to say” He breathed in a sigh, as it was finally settling in, “To think I was going to ask her to marry me in a few months”
Hyunjin felt emotional. He’d known and adored their relationship for the longest time, “I’m so sorry, Chan. I don’t know what to say, I wish I could…make this better”
“You don’t have to. I’m…happy you’re here. Kim Soohyun asked to see my phone last night. I don’t know why, but I deleted every conversation with Kairi. I suppose I panicked. I shouldn’t have done that, because now all my best memories with her are just that…memories”
Hyunjin swallowed, and maybe all the reading poetry had rotted his brain. His heart was starting to shrivel, just like the Hydrangeas that were out of bloom. Once he got home, maybe it was the right move to erase his chat history with you too. A small way of shielding himself from the damage that could follow. His memories with you would be lost, but his carelessness would only hurt the boys more.
Chan reminded him far too much of you, the way he held onto memories, objects, and tangible things with an iron grip. He recalled how sad you’d felt erasing the little star you’d drawn from Hyunjin’s face. It had meant so much to you. Maybe he was becoming more like you every day too, which is why the dying flowers still rested on Hyunjin’s desk when he should have thrown them out weeks ago. He ended up saying something that only halfway made sense, “I want to say that…the things we’re meant for will always come back to us, but… I stray further from that thought every day, so I would be lying if I tried to convince you of that” 
Chan smiled sadly, and he held something within his hands, “You’re the most romantic person I know, even without trying to be”
Hyunjin laughed, bitterly, “I think it’s safe to say I’m doomed”
Chan turned to him, “Don’t say that, Jinnie”
Hyunjin shook his head, facing him, “I came here for you, not to talk about me…you know you have me, always, right?”
“I know” Chan leaned in, wrapping his arm around Hyunjin. It was an awkward half-hug but Hyunjin relaxed into the embrace, whispering, “I’m so sorry it didn’t work out with Kairi”
Chan pulled away, a sincere smile on his face, “Thank you. We should probably get going if we want to make it in time for the conference”
“You’re right” Hyunjin nodded, but they made no attempt to move, trying to lengthen this short-lived peace.
“Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it.” Chan muttered, and it’s only then that Hyunjin realised what he held in his palm. A diamond ring. The one he was going to propose to Kairi with.
“What?” 
“What our lives are like. Do you never question that?” Chan asked. Hyunjin had never heard him talk like this, and he couldn’t comprehend this. Chan had built them up from the ground up, worked his ass off to get them to where they are. In fact, he couldn’t bear to see this side of him. He shouldn’t be questioning all his hard work, or that all would have been for nothing. Out of all people in the world, Chan couldn't be the one to lose hope. He was their rock.
He felt for Chan. So much. Yet, this train of thought was so dangerous. What would happen to them if they all started hating their job? They had never been forced into this career, they’d made their choices of their own volition, even if it was done as a teenager who didn’t know what he’d be giving up, but they’d gained so much too. The lifestyle Hyunjin led…people would kill for. 14-year-old him would kill for this. And he’d be so proud of him for it too. So, why was he questioning everything now? 
“No, I don’t” Hyunjin said. It was a lie, but he would sell it to Chan, for his sake, “We’re doing something impossible for most people to even imagine in the world. The impact that you have on people is…unreal. Millions of people love you, and you inspire them. You inspire me to work harder everyday. So, I don’t question if it’s worth it, and you shouldn’t either, Chan”
Something in Chan’s eyes changed, as if he had never expected him to say this. Hyunjin, the romantic, would never have said that. Love felt like the core of his life. He was hungry for it, but there was more than one kind of love.
So later that week, when Hyunjin stared at his phone in his hands, it was filled up with memories of you. Every phone call, each picture you’d sent him, each sweet thought he’d scribbled in his notes but never had the chance to send you. The press tour had already begun, and the boys were knee-depth in stress, and Hyunjin could never let himself add to that. Kairi had talked about sacrifices, and he finally understood it. Maybe it was cowardly to never explain to you what was happening, but it was easier. He didn’t have the heart to delete the past few months, so he took Eunwoo’s advice and changed his number instead.
Sorrow settled in his chest as Hyunjin realised that he would go to the ends of the earth for you, but perhaps that wasn’t still enough. He wasn’t willing to give this life up, and this was a sacrifice he was going to have to make.
»»————- Present Day. 
You only had the moonlight to guide you tonight.
There were hardly any streetlights this far out. It was pitch black, and the glow of the moon fell upon Hyunjin’s face, tracing each contour perfectly. You were trying real hard to not look at him. He was drumming his fingertips against the steering wheel and it was annoying. It kept grabbing your attention, and you’d glance at him only to remember you couldn’t do that anymore. You couldn’t spend time marveling at his little mannerisms because…things had changed. 
All you could do was listen to the conversations of the backseat. Chan was mumbling something to Kairi, and their voices had dropped in volume since you’d pulled out of the parking lot. Each syllable was spoken in a whisper, like it was a secret between them, and you felt like you were eavesdropping. Still, there was not much else to focus to. You definitely were not going to focus on the boy sitting next to you.
“I know that it could’ve been better…but I hope that you still had a good time today” Chan said softly, and through the rearview mirror, you saw that they’d laced their hands together. Kairi was leaning into him, fingers interlocked, and you looked down at your hands. The empty spaces between your fingers bothered you. 
“I did, Chris” Her eyes were closed, but she smiled, “Honestly, it was a pretty special birthday”
You averted your gaze, giving them privacy. Hyunjin kept glancing in the mirror briefly before looking back to the road. There was a small smile on his lips. He used to talk about them so much. He must be happy with this outcome. You didn’t know the details of what had gone wrong with their relationship, you’d never pried, but it must have been hard getting back together after all that heartbreak and pain.
“I’m…really fucking tired. I might pass out any second” Kairi announced, followed by a yawn.
“Don’t worry. Hyunjin is a smooth driver” Chan reassured, “Isn’t he?”
Hyunjin nodded, eyes flickering to Chan’s, “Of course. And um, Kairi, if you’re cold, I have an extra jacket in the backseat”
There was rummaging and then Kairi gasped, having found the jacket, “This is so stylish. I missed your clothes, Jinnie”
“Hey, hey. What are you trying to imply?” Chan complained. Kairi giggled, and Hyunjin laughed, “Your girlfriend is a fan of color, Chan. That’s not my fault”
“How predictable of you” Chan mumbled, and you could see him rolling his eyes. You drifted out of their conversation, looking out the window at the passing landscape. Trees drifted by in a blur and there was hardly any civilisation out here. Miles and miles of nothing. 
“Don’t you agree?” Kairi laughed, hand landing on your shoulder, and she was talking to you.
“Sorry?” You asked, “Agree with what?”
“Fuck. Did I wake you?” She apologised, “I didn’t realise you fell asleep”
“No, no, I’m up. I was just distracted….” You replied, clearing your throat. This conversation warranted another glance from Hyunjin, as if he was checking to see what you were distracted by. You returned his gaze with indifference, raising your eyebrows. He immediately looked away, back to the road.
“Well, I was telling Chris that your friends, Minnie and Jamie are one of the cutest couples I’ve ever met. I mean, I hardly see relationships that strong here; people are usually just serial daters” Kairi explained.
“Oh. Right” You nodded, thankful to have the context, “They’re…really cute, yeah”
“A serial dater?” Chan asked.
“Yeah. Dating apps will do that to you, especially in midtown. Take my advice now, never get on one, you’ll be fighting in the trenches” Kairi laughed. The trees were whizzing past so fast it made you dizzy, you mumbled, “It’s funny. Dating apps could never work back home”
“Cause you know everyone? Is that really true?” She asked. You nodded, “I mean, yeah. You go to school with the people technically in your dating age range, and there are only five restaurants and hang-out spots, so you’re always bumping into each other. It’s impossible to not know everyone”
“Was that ever weird?” Kairi asked, “Like seeing your ex at dinner or something?”
A small laugh escaped you, “It actually sucked. You couldn’t escape them”
“Did you ever run into her exes?” Chan asked, and it took you a second to realise the question was directed at Hyunjin. It took him a few seconds and he sat up straighter, mumbling quietly, “No.”
You blinked at his nonchalance, trying not to let this phase you. This could be a normal car ride if you just let it. Suddenly your gut was hurting with anxiety and you looked out the window again, away from him.
“Well, thankfully, I’ve never had to deal with that,” Chan spoke, “Eunwoo would have a heart attack if one of us was found on those apps. Although there’s quite a few fake profiles out there with Hyunjin’s face on them”
“Eunwoo?” You asked, ignoring the second part of his statement. It sent jealousy surging through you. Why did you feel jealous by even the thought of Hyunjin being on a dating app? You needed to get a grip on your emotions. 
“Ah. Hyunjin didn’t tell you?” Chan asked, so casually, “Eunwoo’s…our manager, of sorts”
Without thinking, you spoke, “I thought your manager was the lady in the shop”
“What shop?” Chan frowned, confused, “Wait, hold up. You’ve met one of our managers, Y/N? Where was that?” You stayed silent, for only a second, wondering if Hyunjin would answer this question. After all, he knew the manager and they were in the shop for a reason. The one where he had ignored you completely, as if you didn’t exist. You were only there by accident, after losing your way trying to find the Atelier. To your relief, Hyunjin did speak, “Yeah. That was Mrs. Giwon…she was accompanying me on one of the snack runs”
“Ah” Kairi exclaimed, “She’s…the worst one”
“Hey” Chan spoke, “She’s really helpful sometimes”
“Anyway…moving on” Kairi rolled her eyes, “She kind of traumatised me after she busted us”
“Busted you?” You turned, intrigued. Kairi laughed, “She walked in on me and Chan making out in the studio! God, that day was hell. She like…actually yelled at me for not maintaining a professional attitude in their building”
“And that, of course…led to the no-girlfriend in the studio rule,” Chan mumbled, and through the rearview, you saw him roll his eyes. That seemed like an insane rule to have, especially for adults. You stole a glance at Hyunjin to catch his reaction. He looked straight ahead, as if he couldn’t even hear this conversation, laser-focused on driving the empty streets. Kairi laughed loudly, “Changbin was the most pissed about that!”
“He has a girlfriend?” 
“No. That man’s a serial dater, through and through. He’s too busy producing insane music to have a full relationship anyway. He goes through NDA’s faster than you can say hookup, but honestly…he enjoys himself so much. He’s…very popular with all the girls”
You wanted to ask so much more about that. NDAs…? So that was a truth and not a rumor. Hyunjin had never mentioned those to you. At the paint and wine event, Sakura and Yeosang had asked him about it, and he’d been cautious about answering. But it was true. All of it felt so silly. Their words came back to you. Imagine sleeping with someone and then signing a contract instead of some aftercare.
If you and Hyunjin had hooked up back in Daejon, would he have also made you sign an NDA? But he fingered you. He let you touch him. He let you cut his hair and give him a handjob in his little bathroom. Did that not ask for an NDA? Or did he just trust you enough? All the possibilities floated through your head, and stupidly, like a stupid girl, you blurted, “So what all does that NDA cover? Is it just sex or…is it like, making out and other things too? And it's legally required?”
At your question, Hyunjin’s grip on the wheel tightened. His shoulders tensed up. 
You’d struck a nerve. 
Good. 
It was satisfying to know you had some sort of impact on him. Till now, he was just pretending you didn’t exist. 
Kairi paused, pondering over it, “Um…pretty much just sex, but like…I didn’t have to sign an NDA every single time. It’s only if it’s with a new person"
“Right”
Chan laughed, “I know. It sounds crazy. Especially in the 21st century, but with the internet and everything, you can never be too careful what people will say in a public forum. Hyunjin, didn’t you hate them too when we started out?”
Hyunjin cleared his throat, “Yeah. It’s stupid”
So he would sign them too? How often did he sleep with a new girl? You didn’t want to think about this any longer. There was no point wondering about his past when you wouldn’t be in his future. Your phone buzzed against the console and you grabbed it, positioning it on the seat between your legs so you could read it. It was a text from Felix.
hey. i was just talking with minho and man, i miss you I know you’ve likely forgotten all about me but call me later please…I think ill die here without you
A smile pulled at your cheeks, and you typed in a quick reply.
im getting back from a party lixie. It was kairi’s birthday. i miss you guys too :(
“Who are you texting at this hour?” Kairi piped up, leaning ahead, “Nate?”. You immediately clicked your phone screen black, even though you had nothing to hide. You just shot her a smile, “Just… a friend from back home”
Hyunjin probably knew exactly who you were talking about, yet he didn’t react. His stone-cold demeanour was really beginning to bother you.
“So where were you guys, at the party? When we found you, you two were at the cabins” Kairi spoke, breaking the tension. You swallowed, wondering if he would answer but he obviously wasn’t interested in speaking so you said, “I was dancing. And then…I hurt myself. So Hyunjin took me to the cabin to find a bandaid”
That wasn’t exactly what had happened. You had conveniently skipped over your argument, and the two of you spying on them, but Hyunjin nodded along, following your lie, “Yeah. There were no first aid kits there though”
Kairi nodded, “Shit, yeah. We didn’t think anybody would use the cabins for anything other than sex…anyway, I was thinkingggg we should play some game. It’d be nice to kill the time.”
Chan reminded her, “I thought you were about to pass out, baby”
Kairi was full of energy now as she suggested, “Well, I’m wide awake now! I kind of want the celebration to last a little while longer. Y/N, you can pick a game, since you're my guest of honour! Do you know any good ones?”
It seemed like Kairi and Chan had absolutely no fucking idea what happened between you and Hyunjin. They knew you weren’t together, but it seemed like they knew nothing more than that. Hyunjin hadn’t told them any of the details. They only knew you’d ended things, but not why. By their ease, and comfort…it seemed like they didn’t even know Hyunjin had been the one to end things with you. The memory of that made your chest clench, with hurt.
The heartbreak felt so one-sided. Everything seemed so easy for him. Had you got everything wrong this summer? Had you read too much into his actions? You felt embarrassed, thinking back to the kind of things you’d said to him. You didn’t tell him you loved him, but you pretty much said everything else. He knew more about you than anybody else in your life, and now he wouldn't even talk to you. You’d been willing to move to the city for him, but he didn’t even bat an eye. Being in Seoul suddenly didn’t feel worth it anymore.
“Sorry, what were you saying?” 
“We still are two hours out of the city. It’d be fun to play something” Kairi said, glancing at the GPS on the console. Play something? Like a road trip game? This hardly felt like a road trip, it was far too depressing to be one. “I’m…good with anything” You spoke, “I’m kind of really tired”
“How about word association?” Chan suggested, “I used to play that with my family as a kid”
You realised he was waiting for your response so you nodded, “Sure. How does it go…? Is there a way to lose?”
“Only if you take longer than three seconds to answer. We go in a circle, Kairi can start with any random word, you have to say a word related to the previous one, and the person who can’t come up with something loses”
You weren’t really in the mood to play, but you would need more energy to protest. Plus, any time interacting with the back-seaters was time removed with the boy in the front seat. Kairi quickly explained the rules, and that it would go clockwise, starting with Hyunjin. He still hadn’t reacted to the idea of the game so you weren’t even sure if he was playing. Kairi hummed loudly, looking around for inspiration. Dark clouds were forming on the horizon so she naturally said, “Thunder!”
“Storm” You immediately said.
“Well, Hyunjin was supposed to go” Kairi laughed, “I’ll go again. Eclipse?”
“Cosmic” Hyunjin replied. A curt, short, emotionless answer. You realised you had to speak now. You mumbled, “Um…the stars”
“Marilyn Monroe” Chan said. Kairi laughed loudly, “Chris. What the hell?”
“What? She’s…a star” Chan defended. You smiled at their bantering. Kairi rolled her eyes, “No. That’s what’s called a Freudian slip”
“Excuse me?” Chan giggled, “Don’t psychobabble me. What even is that?”
Kairi laughed, “It’s this theory that if you accidentally say something wrong, you were thinking about it subconsciously. Most people are thinking about sex, so that’s what a lot of Freudian slips reveal”
“So what… you’re accusing me of wanting to sleep with Marilyn Monroe?” Chan frowned. She giggled, “No, I’m just saying that’s how it works, smartass. It usually reveals your repressed thoughts”
You glanced back at her, “Yeah. I guess that’s what this entire game is about. Although I really don’t think Freud has had the best ideas. Some of them are…really regressive” 
Kairi grinned at you, nodding aggressively and she was still tipsy from before, “You’re so right, honestly. Most of the people I played this game with had no idea what a Freudian slip was. You know, this is why we’re friends. You’re…so fucking cool. You’re just like me”
“Y/N is not just like you” Chan laughed loudly.
“Excuse me?” She gasped, offended, “You just met her. How would you even know what she’s like?”
Chan chuckled, “Yeah, but I’ve been hearing about her all summer—” He suddenly stopped, realising what he’d said. An awkward silence enveloped the car and you did everything not to look at Hyunjin. So… Chan had been hearing about you all summer. You knew Hyunjin had told the boys about you. You just wondered what he’d said. What did he know of you? Chan cleared his throat, embarrassed by his slip of the tongue, “I mean….never mind. Should we continue the game? Hyunjin. Why don’t you start?”
Hyunjin swallowed, adjusting his hands on the wheel, “Um. I don’t know. Sin?”
Your eyes widened at his word choice, and it was your turn to go next. Sin? What was he even thinking of? Your mind went through the seven deadly sins that you knew of, and you only had three seconds so you blurted, “Lust”
It was Chan’s turn now, and he blanked, eyes widening, “Uh…passion?”
You didn’t like this tangent of thought… and you waited for Kairi to say something. Chan teased, “Are you serious? You’re gonna lose”. She yelled, “Wait, wait. I know. Yearning!”
It was Hyunjin’s turn to play. His mouth parted, and he was about to say something, but instead he chose not to. He just shook his head, “I don’t know…I can’t really focus on the game when I’m driving”
Kairi sighed, “Can’t believe you lost on yearning, Hyunjin”
“Yeah. My mistake” He mumbled. His knuckles were white against the steering wheel. You didn’t really want to play this game anymore. You stared out the window, your reflection flickering in the window. You wanted to be home already, and not in this car where you felt like a stranger.
There was so much brevity and lightheartedness in the conversations between Chan and Kairi, and here you were…struggling to even get a proper hi out. You felt like a stranger, even to Kairi. You’d only known her for a few weeks, compared to them. The three of them felt like a unit, like a family that was finally complete again. Hyunjin had sang praises of their love, and you could see it now. It wasn’t anything grand or impossible, it was so casual and effortless. Kairi and Chan fit together like puzzle pieces, so perfectly, but even more than that, they enhanced each other so simply. There was no fear of misunderstandings, or betrayal. They were giggling in the back, laughing about some inside joke you’d never be able to understand. Perhaps you shouldn’t have accepted this ride. Kairi was your friend, but you weren’t really welcome here. You were an outsider. Chan must have wanted to keep the conversation going so he said, “So, Y/N, you were about to tell me about yourself when we got in the car” 
You swallowed, “Um, I didn’t know I was going to be doing that”
Kairi teased, “Yeah, Chan. I thought you knew all about her, and how me and her are so similar”
Chan giggled, “It was a figure of speech. No, but seriously, Y/N”
You bit your lip, and a deep sadness was overwhelming you. One you’d been trying to escape for months but it seemed impossible now. You’d genuinely enjoyed the party, until he’d showed up. He’d ruined everything. It had taken so long for you to not think about him. Now you felt like you were sinking again, “Um…what do you want to know? I came here to study art. There’s not really much to tell…You’re the one who has a really interesting life."
Chan frowned, “Come on. That’s not a real answer. I wanna know you, not answers you’d type in on some Facebook page”
You were at a loss for words, and you mostly just felt conscious around Hyunjin. You always hated introductions like this, and icebreakers, especially around someone you wanted to like you. Chan seemed amazing, he was brilliant so how could your little life possibly impress him? You’d done nothing that would have an impact on anyone, unlike them. Anything you say would be so boring. So you settled for a basic fact about yourself, a preface to your personality, “Well…I used to work in an art—”
“She’s a really good artist” Hyunjin suddenly interrupted you.
Your gaze snapped to his.
“Oh yeah?” Chan asked, surprised.
“Yup” Hyunjin cleared his throat, “She’s in the most prestigious program of the country” 
Chan smiled, “Wow. That’s…amazing, Y/N. You should be bragging about that stuff”
“There’s only like…25 people that get in from across the world” Hyunjin continued talking, staring right ahead so casually. There was a knot in your stomach, and he had the faintest of a smile on his face as he talked about you. It was more than he’d given you in the past hours, “She’s one of the few domestic students”
“What? You didn’t tell me that!” Kairi exclaimed, hand reaching out to tap you. But you were speechless, staring at Hyunjin. Why did he just do that?
“Well, now you’ve got to show me your art, Y/N!” Chan grinned, “Hyunjin’s got pretty high standards when it comes to those, so I’m curious”
You nodded, forcing a smile at him, “Yeah…um, maybe later”
“Well, I hope you taught Hyunjin something too” Chan laughed. 
Hyunjin nodded, and there was a hint of emotion as he spoke, “She did”
You chewed on your lower lip, fiddling with your jacket, thinking about his words, even long after he’d said them.
The barren highway enveloped the car in darkness, and the tiny GPS screen was the only light source. You stared ahead, watching the road lit up in the headlights, uncovering more of the unknown every second. There was nobody else out here. It was spooky, and you hated the feeling. You felt trapped in this metal contraption. Hyunjin’s fingers tapped lightly on the steering wheel, a familiar rhythm, probably calming his nerves down. The backseat noise had died down, and it seemed like the tiredness had finally hit Kairi. The only indication of passing time was the clock on the dashboard. You watched it tick down every second, hoping it would go faster. The city was still so far out. You leaned back onto the seat, watching trees whiz past in silence. Hyunjin was so quiet you’d almost think he fell asleep. The only surmountable sound was the heating, and the tapping of his fingers. You closed your eyes, hoping the time would pass faster.
You couldn’t help but think of what was waiting for you. There was no lingering excitement. This party had been the only thing you’d been looking forward to for a while. There was so much work back in class, starting Monday. Kim Jieong was expecting so much from you. You felt emotionally drained. He was your only motivation, pushing you to get better. After all, there was nothing else waiting for you back there. 
Suddenly Hyunjin cleared his throat, drawing your attention. From your peripheral vision, you saw him reach for the radio, fingers hovering over the console, and then he looked to you, “Um…mind if I put something on?”
You blinked, distracted by how he looked in the glow of the light. His glasses were thin, hanging on his nose bridge, and his lips were pursed. He’d bitten them raw. Maybe you weren’t the only one anxious in this car. You shook your head, “Go ahead”
He pressed a button, and life filled the previously stagnant car. An announcer was talking, probably at an all-night radio station, and you asked softly, “Wouldn’t this wake them up?”
Hyunjin looked at you again, over the rim of his glasses, eyes meeting yours for another torturous split second. In the dark, they looked like pools of black, a darkened gaze as he spoke, “Uh, don’t worry. I turned the speakers in the back off. It’s only the front ones that are working”
Oh. You didn’t even know that was possible. They obviously had access to the best cars with the best technologies. Music began playing, a rock band from the 80s, and you rest your head again, closing your eyes to savour in this newfound peace. It was strange to sit next to the man you desired the most yet have no conversation. For the past few months, it had been impossible to separate you, and the irony of this moment didn’t fail to surprise you. You’d come all the way to Seoul for him. Yet the only sound in the car was Bon Jovi on the radio. 
“Um—”
“So—” You and Hyunjin both spoke at the same time.
“Sorry,” You apologised, “What were you about to say?”
He glanced at you, hand reaching out to the radio again, and you noticed he had new rings on his finger. They looked so expensive, glittering sparkles, and he must have bought them recently. He seemed nervous and he spoke, “I can…uh, change the music if you don’t like it”
Your eyebrows shot up. That clearly wasn’t what he was going to say. “No, it’s nice. I like him”
He nodded, retreating his hand and putting it back on the console. You wondered about the unspoken, but wondering would only kill you. So you shut your eyes again, hands warm in your lap, wishing to be somewhere else. The tune was thrilling. 
“80’s music is actually one of my favourites”
You opened your eyes to look at him, “Really?”
“Yeah. I think….their songs are pretty incomparable. I actually got a lot of inspiration for our album from them. I don’t know if you heard it; it’s very pop-rock heavy, which isn’t what we usually do” He spoke, a nervous wavering in his voice, as if you two were just getting to know each other. 
You observed him, “Is that what you were going to say earlier?”
“Sorry?” He looked right at you, dark eyes flickering over your features. You felt conscious of how you looked. You were still in his sweater, and your hair was still wet from the swim. You said, “Um…you were about to say something but decided not to. Was that it?”
Realisation sank into his face, lips parting, “No, I was…going to ask you how you met Kairi”
“Oh…” Disappointment filled you. What were you expecting to be said? An apology would be nice actually. Something to start with. You were having trouble grasping that things between you and him were truly over. They couldn’t be. Hadn’t he only come into your life yesterday, uprooting everything you thought you knew about yourself? Or maybe you were just desperately clinging on to a summer dream that wasn’t real.
“Sorry. Should I not have asked?” Hyunjin said. 
“No, that’s fine. It was just a crazy coincidence. We were at a bar…me and my friends, and somebody spilled a drink on her, I just happened to be there. I offered to help her. Obviously…I didn’t know who she was. Later, I realised it was Kairi”
“That’s…” Hyunjin’s fingers adjusted on the steering wheel, he spaced them out, glancing at you again, “That’s really nice of you”
“Yeah”
“Are you cold?” He asked.
“What? Um, no.” You shook your head awkwardly. His sweater was keeping you plenty warm.
“Okay”
The silence drowned you again, and you focused on the song playing, replaying the previous conversation in your head, clinging to it for life.
“I…tried Gouache” 
It took you a second to register that Hyunjin was talking to you, again.
Why was he making an effort after what went down earlier? You’d argued and fought, and now he was…trying to be nice? Was he trying to make amends? Did he finally realise what an asshole he’d been? Or were his memories of summer coming back to him too? Because every time you looked at him, all you could remember was the calmness of each moment you’d spent with him, and how his skin had felt to touch, and how his body had felt against yours, warm and comforting. How could he not be thinking of that?
“Sorry?” You glanced at him. 
He straightened up, hands clasped before him, “I…taught myself Gouache. I hadn’t explored it much before, but I had some time between schedules last month and I decided to give it a shot”
You didn’t know what to say. Gouache was such a difficult pigmented paint medium to work with. You stayed quiet, which somehow… he took a sign to continue speaking, “It was hard…but I found the supplies and tried many styles with it. I couldn’t get it right for the longest time but then realised I had the wrong brushes. I…think I prefer it to watercolor”
“Are you serious?”
He glanced at you, almost surprised that you’d replied even though he had been telling you all of this. He nodded, his lips a thin line.
“Gouache can never have the same effect, or…even replace watercolours. It’s…so much more intense. It loses all of its softness” You ended up saying.
“Have you worked with it before?”
“In class. I do all the time” You answered, “I don’t like it. I prefer acrylics or oil”
Hyunjin nodded, eyes zeroed in on you again, “Do you have the freedom to choose?”
“Choose what?”
“The material you want to paint with” He stated, simply. 
“Yeah. It’s up to us” You said.
Hyunjin just nodded, and then silently turned away. As did you. Queen was playing on the radio now, and you liked this song. Somebody to Love. It seemed like Hyunjin enjoyed this song too, because he reached ahead, his bracelets clinking together and he increased the volume just slightly. You glanced in the rearview mirror, and Kairi and Chan were still asleep, cuddled up to each other. Hyunjin was softly singing, under his breath, but he knew all the words. His voice brought a strange calmness to your body, warming it up.
“I can’t believe you tried Gouache” You mumbled, still thinking about it. You didn’t want to initiate conversation with him, not after everything he’d done to your heart. But you were so curious. It was really hard to work with, especially if someone was a beginner.
“Can I show you something?” He asked.
“What?”
He looked at you, a newfound energy in him, “The…paintings I’ve been working on”
“Unless you’re going to pull over—”
“They’re in my phone. You can just…see them there”
You glanced at his phone that lay on the console.
“Um…are you sure?” You reached for his phone, and it was strange that he completely trusted you with it.
“Yeah. I don’t mind. There’s nothing I have to hide from you. The password…I can just type it in” He grabbed it from you, entering random numbers that you couldn’t grasp the significance of, before handing his unlocked phone back to you. The wallpaper was a pretty sunset. You recognised the landscape instantly. It must have been the pictures he took on the Ferris wheel with Seungmin, back at the summer carnival. Memories of that flooded through you. It had been a perfect day. You recalled the photobooth pictures that lay in your sketchbook, Hyunjin had put them there for you to find. You still didn’t understand why, or how he got a hold of them. As far as you knew, he’d deleted them in front of your eyes. You glanced at him; his eyebrows were knitted as he concentrated on driving, still occasionally mouthing the words to the song. You may never get this chance again. “How’d you get those pictures?” You broke the silence.
It took him a second to comprehend your question, and he turned casually, “Hmm?”
In this angle, confusion on his face, nose scrunched up, he looked so tame, so innocent. You already wished to take back what you’d said, in case it ruin this strange peace. It was too late to back up now as he stared at you so you said, “In my sketchbook, I found the photobooth strip. The pictures of us kissing. I…thought you deleted them”
His eyes widened, and he turned back to the road, voice dropping low, “Oh… It doesn’t really matter, Y/N”
His response irked you. It reminded you again that this was futile, whatever you chased for with Hyunjin. “Yeah. It doesn’t” You agreed, looking back at his phone in your hands. You opened up his picture gallery. Everything was divided into little folders, and his entire life was so organised. If you were his girlfriend, would there be a folder for you in it too? You clicked on the one which was so fittingly named ‘Art’. You were annoyed at him but you couldn’t pretend, “Oh. These are…really good, Hyunjin”
He clearly gravitated towards drawing flowers and landscapes. Some of them were familiar, most of them were new. There were so many pictures of flowers, at all stages. He must be drawing from life. It seemed like he’d developed a lot of art ever since he’d come back. They were all so intense and bold, no softness to them that watercolour provided. You’d always thought that Gouache was something in between watercolour and acrylic, a strange midway compromise, yet Hyunjin had made masterpieces out of it, “You did all of these in Gouache?”
He only nodded in response, as you scrolled through the gallery.
“You’re crazy” You said.
Hyunjin let out a laugh, “You really hate it that much?”
“It’s just difficult to work with, but you’re actually really great at these” You stared at the art, and how his technique had improved. All his lines were more confident, pronounced, bolder. He’d gotten so much better in your absence. You’d only gotten worse in his.
“So…how’s the apprenticeship going? Is Kim Jieong as nice as you thought?” He asked. You put his phone back on the console, even though you urged to see everything he’d felt worth storing in his phone. He had asked you a question so you tried to focus on that, “Yeah. He’s really nice. He is so talented. I, um, asked him about the painting, by the way. The one we were talking about”
“The one about the lovers drowning in moonlight?”
You nodded, hands feeling jittery, unable to stomach this casual conversation, “Yup. He was surprised it was my favourite. He thinks I have morbid taste. And… the day he took us to your work building, he wanted us to meet some gallery curator”
“Must have been Karina”
“You know her?” You glanced at him, hoping your face didn’t give anything away. How petty of you to be jealous that he knew another girl. Another artist at that. 
“She’s the prodigy I was telling you about. She wants me to…exhibit some of my work at a gallery next month”
Your eyes widened, and you fiddled with the zipper on the jacket, “Oh. That’s…a big deal. Are you allowed to do that?”
He looked at you, “Yeah, the company and Eunwoo’s really supportive. The fans love it, so he thinks it’s a great stream of revenue and publicity. Any press is good press. He couldn’t care less about the art” 
“Right” You nodded, watching him, “Well, maybe Kim Jieong will make it a field trip for us again. Your exhibition”
Hyunjin’s lips tugged into a smile, “That’d be really embarrassing. I wouldn’t want all your professional artist friends to judge my work”
“Well…they’re not as pretentious as you might think. My friends…they’re really nice. Everybody’s not bad. I mean…it was hard settling in, but…I think I like it now” You were rambling, without meaning to share so much with him. Maybe you’d just been craving to have a real conversation with him all this while. After all, he was the only person in your life who understood, “And Kim Jieong is my favourite part of it anyway. Even if everybody sucks. I look up to him a lot. He…even calls me sweetheart. It always throws me off” 
“Isn’t that a bit inappropriate?”
You frowned, not expecting that response, “No…he has different nicknames for everyone”
“I see” His reply was curt, like he didn’t believe that. He cleared his throat, “And um…your friends? The other students? Are they cool?”
“I mean, you’ve already met Jeonghan”
“Is that the boy who you were dancing with?”
“Yeah, that’s him”
Hyunjin stayed quiet for a minute and then he said, “He has two left feet”
“Excuse me?”
“Sorry” He chuckled dryly, “When you were dancing with him, he almost dropped you…like ten times”
“He only came to the party for me, because I didn’t know anybody. Don’t make fun of him. He was kind of the best part of my day”
“I’m not making fun of him. It’s just an observation” Hyunjin mumbled, but there was a teasing glint in his eyes and he looked at you, “And I saw your face. You were worried he’d drop you too”
“I was not” Your eyes narrowed, but a stupid smile tugged at your lips, “Anyway. You’re one to talk. You’re probably worse”
He laughed properly this time, looking at you over his glasses, “Oh, am I?”
You shrugged, “We’ve never danced together so it could be true”
“I think you’re forgetting that I’m a professional dancer, Y/N” His tone was cocky.
You sighed, facing away to look out, “Ugh. Do you always have to bring up the idol card?”
“The idol card?” He repeated, “That’s my job, what do you mean?”
“Just seems like an unfair advantage”
Hyunjin chuckled, “Fine. Okay. Even if I wasn’t a professional dancer, I bet I’d still be able to take Jeonghan in a dance battle”
“I’m starting to think that you’re obsessed with him…”
Hyunjin laughed, “I guess I see why you chose him now”
Your gaze darted to his, “What?”
You arrived at a railway crossing. The signal was loud, and he stopped the car, foot on the brake as he slowed down. “He is your boyfriend…isn’t he?” He said, so surely. 
You stared at him, wondering how he could ask that so casually, so unaffected. You’d probably die if Hyunjin had a girlfriend. Did he think you’d move on so fucking fast? You woke and fell asleep to the thought of him every day still, months later. You thought of him every waking second. Maybe you should take a book out of Hyunjin’s ability to be vague, “Are you seriously asking me that?”
He looked at you, eyes heavy with emotion. He swallowed, “Yeah. I am”
You stared right back at him, heart pounding fast, “Yeah. I am dating him”
“Oh” He shifted in his seat, “That’s nice…how long have you known him?”
You couldn’t believe he could be so…casual about it. You looked out, “It doesn’t matter”
Hyunjin nodded, “Well. For what it’s worth, Nate seems like a nice guy”
You just couldn’t comprehend how the fuck he could be so casual about this. As if you two had just been an inconvenient situationship and your lives and souls hadn’t completely intertwined this summer. As if you’d just move away, and get a new boyfriend and fall in love. As if you could ever truly move on from Hyunjin. As if he didn't know that you'd been in love with him this whole time. It wasn’t that simple. It could never be.
“So…you really don’t give a fuck?”
“I’m sorry?” He looked at you, feigning innocence, “About what?”
You could have said so many things. Bitterness clawed out of you. “Well, for what it’s worth, Nate’s a great kisser”
His eyes widened, and he nodded, voice falling low, “I’m sure he is”
You couldn’t stop. You wanted your words to stab him like little knives he’d dug into your skin all this while, “And for what it’s worth, I actually trust him” 
Hyunjin tensed up, fists clenching at the wheel. The train was just passing by, and the signal was so loud but you knew he heard you. “I’m…glad you trust him” He ended up saying. 
You watched him, observing every micro-expression. You could have played along, egged him on, made him believe it. He should hurt too, like you were, but you couldn’t wrap your head around this. Was it really so easy for him to move on? He was pretending like nothing ever affected him. Were you seriously the only one who had been invested in the two of you? You let out a laugh, “So that’s it?”
“What?” He looked at you.
“You don’t care? You really think I would just date…a random guy from my class? Because if you think that, you don’t—”
His brows shot up, “I’m sorry, so you’re not dating him? Why would you tell me you were?” 
“Do you care if I was?”
He frowned, eyebrows furrowing, “Seriously? You know I still care about you, right?”
It pissed you off. He had no right to say something like that when he didn’t give a fuck about you. He had just abandoned you, with no intention of ever making up things, “I don’t know, Hyunjin. I mean…everything you’ve done to me the past few months has shown me quite the opposite. That you don’t care”
His eyes widened, “Everything I’ve done to you?”
A scoff escaped you, and you were losing it, “I’m sure you had your reasons for never wanting to talk to me again. I, personally, would have just liked a goodbye or an explanation before you decided to leave. That’s just me though. But you know what? Maybe I read too much in what happened this summer”
He swallowed, shifting to look at you, “Look, it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. I didn’t know how to explain and I thought that you would understand—”
How the fuck could he expect you to understand? Your voice shot up, and everything you'd wondered over the past few months bubbled to the surface, “You…pushed me away, Hyunjin. You completely got rid of me! I’m sure you had your reasons, but I wasn’t okay. I’m still not fucking okay. It was a complete asshole move to block me for months with no explanation. I didn’t even know you’re capable of something like that, but you know what, it sucks to find out. In my head, I built you up to be some angel on a fucking pedestal. That was obviously my mistake” 
He swallowed, adam's apple bobbing, and you could see him grappling with what to say. It felt good to render him speechless. It took away from your embarrassment of knowing that Kairi and Chan could probably hear each second of this conversation. 
“Things were always going to end this way. You knew that, Y/N” The way he spoke pissed you off, like he had a rehearsed answer in his head and no real fucking emotions. Why could he just not tell you what he truly felt? Why was he trying so hard to be someone he was not?
A dry chuckle escaped you, and it was better you take out your anger on him because you felt like crying with each word you said, “No, I didn’t know that. if I knew that you were just going to disappear, I would have preferred never to know you”
His gaze burned through you, “Y/N…”
Somebody suddenly knocked on Hyunjin’s window, and you shook away your building tears. It was an officer, and Hyunjin rolled down the window, “Yes?”
He leaned in, not knowing what he was interrupting, “Excuse me? The signal’s running at a delay. There’s going to be a ten minute hold-up”
Hyunjin nodded, “Oh okay”
He rolled the window back up, and looked back at you. You couldn't breathe. You couldn't even look at him. You hated him and his fucking nonchalance. You swallowed, “I need some air”
Before he could say something, you opened the door, stepping out. There would be a delay anyway, and hardly any cars were behind you. You walked to the side of the street, taking in a breath, willing yourself to not start fucking cry.
Another car door slammed shut behind you, and Hyunjin followed you out.
“Y/N—” He said, walking around the car, following you to the side.
Your emotions were brimming to the top, and you couldn’t keep it in. It would be petty, mean, childish but you deserved to get some answers.
You turned around, voice raising, “If I hadn’t moved to the city, you would have never met me again” It wasn’t a question. You knew he had no plans of returning to town anytime this century, “And you were just okay with that? With never seeing me again?”
He closed his eyes, his body towering over you, “It’s…not that simple”
“Yeah. It is. You didn’t even think I was worth an explanation…or a proper goodbye?”
“I…didn’t know what to say. You just have to believe when I say I’m doing this for your own good”
“Really?” You scoffed, “You expect me to believe that…? You could’ve said anything.  Anything would have been better than what I got. Just tell me what's going on, please”
“Anything I said would have hurt you” His voice was shaking, like he was going to cry. How could he ever explain that he had picked his life over you? That you were the sacrifice he had decided to make?
You loved him, and you couldn’t bear to be the reason he cried but you had so many questions. Your voice was loud, in disbelief and frustration, “How is this any different? You cut me out of your life like it was nothing”
“It wasn’t nothing. It was just as hard for me as—”
“No, I’m not done talking. After losing you, moving to the city was the hardest thing I ever did. Leaving Daejon behind, all my friends…the only life I knew, and this place where I don’t really fit perfectly, but I’m trying so hard to. It is so hard. The only thing I love…I can’t even love that anymore because I can’t fucking stop thinking about you when I’m painting! It’s not fair. You had a choice, Hyunjin. I didn’t” Your voice broke.
“Before I saw you in the shop, I was this close to calling you up” He held up a small gap between his fingers, “I just…always ended up talking myself out of it”
A scoff escaped you, at the ridiculousness of his response, “I really have a hard time believing that”
“I don’t expect you to believe me anyway” He mumbled. You stared at him, crossing your arms, wondering how everything led to this, “I thought you were different, Hyunjin, from every other guy I’ve known in my life… but you…”
He stepped closer to you, running a hand through his hair, “What was I supposed to say to you, Y/N? That I never want to see you again? Do you think that would be easy for me to say?”
“I don’t know, Hyunjin! I don’t fucking know, but anything would have been better than what I got, because the person I knew would never have acted this drastically. So, were you just pretending in Daejon? Or are you pretending now? Because I’m having a real hard time telling who the real you is, Hyunjin—”
His eyes widened at those words, as if they personally struck him. He grabbed your hands, pulling you closer to him in the process, “Y/N— Stop. I’m not…I never pretended with you”
His grip on you was firm, but enough that you could let go if you wanted. You looked up at him, and you were already so emotional, “Then why are you being so cold? You’ve been acting like you don’t care, but I don’t even know if you’re acting anymore. I feel like…I never saw the real you. That’s what you’re making me believe”
His closed his eyes, shaking his head at your words like they were the worst thing he could hear, “I’m sorry”
Your eyebrows knitted together, voice fading, “For…what?”
“For…changing my number and not telling you” He swallowed, and his hands held yours in between them like a prayer, “For…trying to push you away. For ignoring you in the shop”
His eyes glimmered with incoming tears, but he cleared his throat, and blinked them away, “I’m sorry I didn’t apologise until today”
You swallowed. You’d been waiting for an apology this whole time, but your heart still hurt. There wasn’t any explanation. You couldn’t…just believe him. Your heart squeezed so bad, it felt like a heart attack. You blinked away tears.
“There’s…a lot I want to talk to you about, but I can’t do it here” He swallowed, and there was a cloud of smoke when he talked, it was freezing outside but your heart felt dead, “You just have to believe me when I say I’m doing this for your own good”
“I don’t understand…”
He closed his eyes, and the train at the signal crossing was still passing, giving you a few more moments of his vulnerability, “I’ve told you before. If we didn’t stop talking when we did…it would have led to something more that I can’t deny. I’m not going to regret my choices because I know why I made them. And that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I will always fucking care about you, it’s insane to even think anything else but…I can’t be in your life, and you can’t be in mine”
Tears threatened to shoot up, but you had some dignity clinging on so you said, “Then what is this? Why are you still being nice to me, making conversation? Why did you show up tonight? Why are you driving me home? If you don’t want me in your life, then just…stay out of it, Hyunjin”
He blinked, glossy eyes, and suddenly the car behind you honked. The train had passed, and you were free to cross.
His voice was shaking and this was the most emotion you’d seen in him in months, “I…couldn’t leave you at the party. It’s not safe…of course I had to drive you home. I would go insane if something happened to you”
You ripped your hands away from him, “Then I guess it’s a good thing that it’s not your responsibility anymore”
»»————-
The rest of the ride was fucking horrible. You stared out the window the entire time, and Hyunjin didn’t say anything else. Maybe it really was over now. What was left to salvage? You don’t know how much Kairi and Chan had heard, but it didn’t matter anyway. They were probably getting back together, which meant you couldn’t be a part of this anymore. If Kairi started hanging out with Chan again, you would obviously not be invited. Not after they witnessed you being such a bitch to their best friend. They were friends first, after all. You were the stranger.
“The next right turn” You mumbled, as you approached the street you lived on. Hyunjin brought the car to a stop. They were now awake in the backseat. You didn’t even know what to say. You unbuckled your seatbelt, grabbing your bag of things, avoiding eye contact with anybody, “Thank you for the ride home”
“I can walk you home” Chan offered.
“I’ll be fine. It’s a minute away” You replied, holding your bag to your chest.
“It’s really late out” Chan replied, insisting. You didn’t want to argue with him any further. The longer you argued, the longer you’d have to stay in this car, next to Hyunjin. He was looking at you, but he was pretending real hard not to. The eyes flickering back and forth, it couldn’t fool you. You’d become an expert on all things him. These secretive glances were all you had back then, so how could you not notice them now?
“Don’t worry about it, Chan” You replied, shooting them a smile so they believed you. Chan nodded, and you glanced at Kairi. She looked tired, but she was in his arms, so she was clearly very happy. She smiled warmly, and you wonder if they’d heard you breaking down. Her voice was soft and sweet, and she grabbed your hand, pressing a kiss to your knuckles, “Thank you for a perfect birthday, Y/N. You had a good time?”
“Of course.” You nodded. You were suffocating in here. You reached for the doorknob, but then you heard Hyunjin’s voice, “Good luck with class”
You couldn’t see the look in his eyes, but you’d die for it. You stepped out into the cold, glancing briefly back, “Yeah. Thanks.”
It didn’t matter because he had already looked away. It’s like he couldn’t bear to see you anymore.
»»————-
“Do you want to talk about it?” Your neighbour, Jeongin, stood in the doorway. You had been standing in the cold for a while, staring at the spot the car had been. It had driven off a while ago, but you could still picture it where it stood. The humming of the engine, the heat, the stupid 80s music stuck in your head. You had been so mean to him. He didn’t deserve it.
You looked at him in surprise, “You’re awake?”
“I work on European time” He shrugged, leaning against the doorway. It was freezing cold, and you could feel it in your bones. It had never been this way back home. “Let’s just go inside” You spoke.
“That sounds like a wonderful idea” He smiled, pulling you in by your arm, “I was wondering how the party went”
You followed him up the stairs, feeling like a zombie in each step, “It was good. I missed you at it. You should have come”
“I’m sure Nate kept you plenty company” Jeongin laughed, “Are you going to go to sleep now?”
It was almost six am, and the sun was rising. You don’t think you could fall asleep with these thoughts in your head. You glanced at him, “Why? You got something in mind?”
He grinned, like he'd been waiting for you to ask him this. And so you spent the dawn with Jeongin, in his cosy apartment, struggling over a 1000-piece puzzle and downing the red wine he’d brought you. He didn’t ask you any questions, which was nice. You wouldn’t even know where to start. He was sweet and he was always smiling, telling you about his work and all the new video games he’d bought. You prolonged everything, asking more questions, anything to keep the focus on him. You didn’t want to go back to your empty apartment and face your thoughts.
“How long have you been living here?” You asked. The window in his apartment was bigger than yours, facing out at the busy street, as the city woke up and came back to life.
“Almost my entire life. Moved here when I was twelve” He told you. You couldn’t bring yourself to be excited about this anymore, or about anything else. You missed your friends, the familiarity and comfort of them. You missed the diner, and it’s cheap coffee.
“Does it ever get easy?”
He laughed, “Honestly, no. Seoul…is hard to fall in love with, but once you do…you never go back”
You sighed, placing the final piece of the puzzle. You missed your art shop. It had always kept you safe and happy. If you knew it was going to be this hard leaving that behind, you would have thought twice, “I think…some people probably never get used to it. That makes me sad”
“Yeah?” He asked, “But you’re used to it now, aren’t you? You once told me it was written in the stars for you to come here”
“I don’t know if I believe in that anymore”
He relaxed on his couch, “I’m sure things will change. You’ll find something worth staying for”
You shrugged, pushing the puzzle to the side and it fell apart, all the pieces getting jumbled up. He didn’t complain about you ruining your hours worth of hard work. He just watched you grapple with your thoughts. You looked up at him, feeling hollow inside, “I think I made a mistake, Jeongin”
»»————-
Kairi had apparently found the best dessert shop in the city. She had pleaded you for hours until you’d decided to come. There were no seats inside the place, it was so busy, and so you and Kairi sat on a patio table outside. You looked around, as you swirled your hot coffee around. There were no leaves on the trees anymore. Winter had finally come.
“I’m going to bring Chris this when he gets back” She spoke, through a mouthful of brownie, “He doesn’t really have a sweet tooth, but I know he will love this. I once baked the boys this cake for Jisung’s birthday, and Chris said he hated it, but I saw him eat all the leftovers later. He literally stole mine too!” She laughed.
“When he’s back from where?”
“Oh, right. They’re in Japan. They had a flight the morning after my birthday, remember? Well, they’re supposed to show up at an event in Tokyo, and then they come back home for a few days, until they go back again. It’s the end of the season so there’s a bunch of award shows” She told you, sprinkling sugar crystals into her coffee. You didn’t know that they were in an entirely different country, “Must be hard. All the flying back and forth”
She shrugged, taking a sip of her drink, “Not really. They’re used to it at this point. It’s tiring, but…in their line of work, they have to learn to adjust”
Maybe that was your biggest flaw. You couldn’t adjust. To a different life, to new friends, to a new bed. To a life without him. 
“I’m sorry if I ruined your birthday”
Her eyes widened, and she kept her cup of coffee down, “What are you talking about? You’re the one that made it perfect. You made it happen in the first place!”
“Yeah, but…” You trailed off, feeling embarrassed, “You must have heard us”
She swallowed, “I didn’t hear anything. It wasn’t my business to.”
You looked up at her, “Chan must hate me”
“What? Why would he?”
You looked down, “I’m…an asshole”
She reached ahead, grabbing your hand, “No one thinks you’re an asshole”
You let out a sigh, and you didn’t believe her, but there was no point arguing. 
The next week, the boys flew back home. You only knew because Kairi told you. She had been counting down the days till they returned. She invited you out to a small get-together, but they would all be there. You said no. 
Slowly, all your plans with Kairi became into plans with Kairi and Chan. You wouldn’t mind at all, because you loved Chan. You just hated that he almost always came with Hyunjin. So you never went to any of those. He would be grateful. He probably never wanted to see you again either. Your time with Kairi became divided. You didn’t blame her. She was in love, and you wouldn’t deny her any time with him. It became obvious how much happier she was around him.
A week later, you realised you still had Hyunjin’s sweater that he’d given to you at the party. So, you washed it and returned it to Kairi, hoping he wasn’t angry that you kept it with you for so long. You’d truthfully forgotten. You wouldn’t want to keep anything of his longer than you had to anyway. 
»»————-
Nate was staring in awe at your painting. It was balanced on the easel, and you stood next to it, embarrassed at the attention it got. Nate laughed in disbelief, “Holy shit. That’s…beautiful. When did you get the time to make that?”
It was show-and-tell day. You were almost in the middle of your semester, and you were supposed to display your best work in class. You looked back at your painting. Ever since Kairi’s birthday, you hadn’t left your room. You’d been fixated on this. There was only one good thing left for you here, and it was this opportunity. You’d do anything to grasp at it, and maybe all your sadness and heartbreak had ended up being perfect inspiration. You had been endlessly inspired, each brushstroke came to you so easily. Perhaps all good art did come from suffering. Your best work to date you’d done when feeling your worst. You’d sniffled, and cried and fought your way through it.
“I…found time” You shrugged. Your hands were folded behind your back as you explained it to every single person who passed it. All the easels were set up in a circle, and it was almost like those expensive Château classes you could never afford to go to. Nate smiled at you, tilting his head, “You’re so mysterious. It suits you”
“I’m really not trying to be” You replied, “It just…came to me”
His eyes trailed over you. You’d tried to dress your best, an outfit you’d bought off the fancy boutiques, and it had cost you a fortune but none of your own clothes would fit the vibe. Nate’s voice dropped, “Is it weird if I say that you being coy is a turn-on?” 
You smiled at him, wondering why his words had no effect on you. He made you feel wanted. He flirted with you endlessly. He was attracted to you. He actually wanted to talk to you. 
But you knew that was all. He didn’t want to date you. He certainly didn’t have any intentions of a relationship. Perhaps, you didn’t want to just be wanted anymore. 
“Mmh. It’s…a little weird” You teased him.
Kim Jieong approached you, and you straightened up, pulling Nate to the side. He glanced at your painting, and he certainly looked impressed. There was a small smile on his lips, and he was observing your art with all the focus in the world, “How many hours did you spend on this?”
“Maybe…twenty”
He laughed at your feeble attempt of lying, “That looks like…it took a hundred, at the least. Is it all you did this week?”
You nodded, “That’s what I’m here for”
He looked at your painting again, “As your professor, I have to say that I wish you hadn’t sacrificed sleep for this, but…” He leaned in closer, voice dropping, “This is exactly why I picked you, sweetheart”
Your eyes widened, not used to this proximity, but you felt so special. He hadn’t said this to anybody else. He was far too close to you, but you blinked at him, “Are you proud of me?”
He laughed, lifting a finger up, “You’re not there yet”
Your face fell.
“I’ll be proud of you if you can get that done in a day” He smiled wide, hands clasped behind his back, “You should start preparing for next week. I want you to make something special. If you win, it’d mean a lot for you, Y/N”
You nodded, remembering the assignment. The best painting in the class would be chosen for a prize. A scholarship, and the chance to get your work displayed in Seoul Museum of Art. It would certainly make everything much easier, taking the burden off you, and you’d also get a perfect start. You would finally be able to prove your worth here.
»»————-
You’d been painting all day, and your clothes were ruined with stains. You were working on the assignment for next week, it had to be perfect to win, and you hadn't got much sleep, completely immersing yourself into this. In a little break, you laid on your couch, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the call to go through. Yeonjun picked up your phone call, and he sounded so happy on the other end. It had been a while since you’d talked to him and he apologised, “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy with work. There was a company retreat last week, and we went out to these cabins in the woods. It was straight from a horror movie, and there was no network there. I took some pictures for you though”
“How did it go? That sounds nice, to be away from everything”
He laughed, “It was. I missed you though. But…I have some news to tell you…something happened”
“Yeah?”
“Remember the girl from my work I said was cute? She…kissed me. We actually, ended up making out in the hot tub. It was really fucking nice” You could imagine him smiling on the other end, and it warmed your heart. You sat up, smiling, “Are you serious? That’s so…amazing. So…you guys made out? Is that all that happened?”
He laughed on the other end, “No. We…slept together. Every night of the retreat”
Your eyes widened, “You’re kidding me. So, you really really like this girl”
“I mean, yeah, things with her are so…simple and easy. She gets me, and she’s so fun to be around. Sometimes that’s just how it has to be”
You thought of the polaroids on his desk of Hana, “Did she never ask about the pictures on your work desk?”
Yeonjun laughed nervously, “I…ended up taking those down. It’s easier to move on that way. I mean, I won’t ever be over her, but…it’s a start”
“Yeah. You’re probably right”
“I may have discovered a new kink about myself” He joked, “I have an urge to just move to that cabin and live in that hot tub forever”
You smiled, “Maybe you should”
“How about you though?”
“Well…I’ve been trying to make my magnum opus. If I have the best painting in class, I get to win this insane amount of money for a scholarship, and…it’ll be perfect”
“Well, you’re obviously going to win. I already know you’re the best in class”
You smiled, “I appreciate your faith in me…I think I’m going to start working on it in the classroom. It’s going to be a really big canvas, and there’s not much space in my apartment”
“That makes sense. And um, I wanted to ask, how are things with…Hyunjin? Did you guys ever talk after you saw him in the shop?”
You lay back down, and the lie was on easy on your tongue, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since then”
“Wow. He…hasn’t even reached out to you?”
You shrugged, echoing his words from before, “I don’t care. It’s easier to move on that way”
»»————-
Your canvas lay across multiple tables, occupying most of the space in your classroom. You’d joined them all together, it had taken a lot of strength, but it was worth it. Now, you sat on top of the paper cross-legged in the center. It was easier to work this way, as if the entire floor was your painting. You hope you weren’t breaking any rules by being in the classroom after hours. You’d just wanted some time to work on your painting, and you weren’t exactly inspired at your place. Your anger from the past few days had manifested into this; an insane obsession to make this your best work ever. You would prefer that over sadness. This, after all, was the only reason you’d come here. Not for him. It was almost midnight, and you scooted across the canvas, filling in more details of your sketch. Your plan was far too ambitious, but you were going to have to go all out to win the contest. It was the only thing you cared about right now.
“I didn’t know anybody was in here” The voice made you jump. Nobody was supposed to come in here right now, the building was shut down. You glanced up, watching Kim Jieong walk in, and you smiled at him, “Professor. Hi”
His eyes narrowed in on your silhouette, and a familiar smile across his face, “Oh, it’s you. What…in god’s name are you doing on top of the tables?”
“Um, my canvas is pretty big, so I thought it’d be easier to work like this” You explained. He laughed loudly, “You’re adorable, Y/N. You know that?”
You sat back down comfortably, realising he would let you stay here, “Um. Thank you, professor”
He looked around, “Oh, please don’t let me interrupt you. Why is it so dark in here though? I can hardly see you"
Adjusting your canvas and brushes around it, you spoke, “I like it that way. I think much better in the dark, the lights were too bright. Plus, the moonlight looks really nice”
You think he smiled at your words but you couldn’t tell in the dark. You could barely see him, just his silhouette and you heard him laugh. You heard his footsteps as he approached his own desk, “So, we’re far from the final project. I’m curious why you’re in the studio”
You bit your lip, feeling anxious about all this effort you were putting in, “I’m working on the contest painting. The scholarship…I really want to try my best. I also don’t work too well at my apartment, I thought maybe I could work here”
“When I got a notification that a student was still in the studio, I was curious. I had to cut my dinner short”
“Oh” You blinked, feeling guilty, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it notified you…”
“Of course, it’s for the safety of our students” He smiled, stepping towards your workspace, “Would you indulge me in what you’re working on…or is it a surprise?”
Your canvas wasn’t ready to show, “I’d prefer if you see it when it’s finished”
He laughed, and asked, “May I sit next to you?”
“Oh, you won’t be getting back to your dinner?” You asked, looking up at him.
“No, I’d like to stay here with you”
He was perhaps the only person in the world you wanted to be around right now, so you didn’t mind. His presence would calm and comfort you, “Of course. That’d be fine with me, professor”
He pulled a stool up close to your workspace. The greenhouse-studio was deathly quiet and he inched closer to your table. You stared at your big sketch, “I’m really sorry about interrupting your dinner. I thought it’d be fine if I let myself in”
“Don’t apologise, sweetheart. My wife was pretty tired anyway. Just gave us a reason to end the night early”
He was at dinner with his wife? You didn’t even know he was married, but he was in his late thirties so it made sense. You continued adding details, but you couldn’t focus when he was observing you so close. Thankfully the dark could conceal your expressions and embarrassment. You ought to feel proud. The greatest artist in the country was here to watch you paint.
“Have you…eaten dinner yet?” You heard him ask. You glanced up, gesturing to the side of the classroom where your leftovers lay, “Yeah, I had some chinese takeout. Although when I’m painting, I don’t get hungry for hours.”
He just hummed in response. You were grateful that your mentor wanted to sit with you so badly that he skipped dinner with his wife. But the other part disliked the supervision, and you did want some alone time. Still, he was the greatest living artist, so you’d learn to adjust to it. After everything that had happened, he was also your only hope of making it big in the city. He was the sole reason you were still here, spending thousands just to stay in Seoul so you could attend the classes. You looked at him, and he was admiring you while you worked, so you said, “I might be here all night. I wouldn’t want to keep you"
He frowned, “I don’t mind staying. I could get some work done too”
“Oh…sure” You looked back at your sketch, erasing off a mistake. He stood up, walking towards the cabinet, sifting through canvases. Usually, you weren’t awkward around him, but right now it was really late and you were tired to make small talk. But it’d be weirder if you just stayed quiet. You felt a need to fill in the silence with anything, “So, Professor, um…your wife. How did you meet her?”
He shrugged in your peripheral vision, not particularly excited to answer, “The usual. We were high school sweethearts. Got married as soon as we graduated. I was too focused on my art to pursue other women anyway”
You nodded. Well, that made it even more awkward. So you kept going, “Right. Wow. High school, that’s really cool. Was she…any of the inspirations for your paintings?”
“Some of them, yes”
“That’s really nice.” You smiled, sketching out the boundaries for the stars. The idea for this painting had come to you after waking from a dreamless sleep. You’d ended up researching for it for hours, making sure you were portraying accurate art. You couldn’t wait to present your concept next week.
“What about you?” He asked.
“Sorry?” 
“You have a boyfriend?”
You blinked, a nervous laugh escaping you, “Um…not currently. I’m also…I guess, trying to focus on my art, and build a career from it”
He smiled at you, crossing his arms, “Guess we’re more alike than I thought”
You looked back at your canvas as he walked closer to you, “The temptation to understand your sketch is a lot. Can you give me a hint as to what it’s about?”
You slid your sketchbook towards him, where you’d drawn up a miniature version of the sketch, “All I can tell you now is that it’s…a landscape, inspired by my time in the city so far. I was walking home the other night and I couldn’t help but notice the night sky. I’ve always liked it, and I know it’s been overdone in art, but I wanted to explore a new side of it. Someone once told me that there’s no stars in the city, which just…sounds so sad. I was thinking along the lines of that. What do you think so far?”
He pushed his glasses up, a proud smile on his face, “I think that…I’m incredibly lucky to have you. I can't wait to see what you'll do with this”
Your eyes widened, unsure how to respond, “Um…I mean, we’re the lucky ones. We get to study under you, Professor”
He laughed, his voice echoing through the empty studio, “Stop calling me Professor. I think you and me are way past that, don’t you?”
“It’s…only appropriate.” You frowned, going back to work. That was weird. You don't think you would feel comfortable calling him by his first name. And then, you felt another stupid need to fill in the prolonged silence. He was here watching you after all, you could just ask him all the things you’d wondered for years, “Um, I wanted to ask. The painting about the moons. Celestial Fatality. Did you paint that when you were in college?”
He hummed mindlessly, not really answering your question, then he grabbed your sketchbook off the table. Eyebrows furrowed, he stared at it, "I think you can work on your perspective, but these are nice. These hands. You’ve drawn them countless times”
“Yeah” You felt embarrassed, and climbed off the table so you could also see what he was looking at, “It’s a friend from back home”
“Did you draw these from observation?” He asked, as you joined him at his side.
“Hmm. He really wanted me to draw his hands,” You said, recalling the time Hyunjin made you observe them.
Kim Jieong laughed, “Can’t blame him”
A nervous laugh escaped you at those words, “Yeah.” What did he mean by that? You reached to get your sketchbook back. Instead of handing it to you though, he sat down on the desk, turning the pages of your book, “These ones are pretty good too”
“Yeah” You nodded, taking a seat next to him, unsure of what to do, “I made those a while ago”
As he turned another page, something drifted out, landing on the floor. Your eyes widened, and you reached for it. The photobooth strip pictures of you and Hyunjin. You felt embarrassed, but thankfully, Kim Jieong didn’t notice or see them fall out. You grabbed them, hiding them between your palms on your lap. There was nothing wrong with him seeing them, but…it was embarrassing and stupid to carry around pictures of a boy who wasn’t even your boyfriend. 
“You’re very talented” Kim Jieong spoke again, voice dropping low.
“Oh…thank you. It means a lot hearing it from someone like you” 
He finally put your sketchbook to the side, looking right at you. He did look kind of intimidating in this light, towering over you, “This scholarship means a lot to you?”
You swallowed, feeling embarrassed, “Yeah. I could use the help. It’s an expensive life here, and I’d really appreciate it. Plus, the exhibition would be a great kickstart to…a career”
“The others don’t need the scholarship. They just want it so they can win” He said, then leaned forward, “Don’t the rich kids get on your nerves sometimes? They don’t act out of necessity, but you…” He pointed a soiled paintbrush at you, “You’re wonderful because… you’re desperate”
“I’m sorry?”
“Desperate to be seen, and respected. As an artist, I mean. I don’t mean that badly, but all great inventions are born out of necessity. I think that’s why you stand out from the rest”
You didn’t know how to take this compliment, “I guess”
“You know you have the potential to go so many places?” He asked, tilting his head, waving your sketchbook about in one hand. It was so dark in here, and the building was completely empty except for the two of you. This…felt increasingly inappropriate. You were in the studio after-hours with your professor and he was far too close for comfort. He was your favourite artist…but he was still a grown man and you didn’t want to overstep as a student.
“What do you mean?”
He shrugged and stepped closer to you, caging you against the table, “I mean, the right people can get you into any exhibition you dream of in the world. Paris, New York, Seoul. Isn’t that what you fantasise?”
An awkward chuckle escaped you. He was far too close to you, “Yeah. That’s the end goal. The scholarship…would definitely make it easier to get there”
Suddenly, the sound of roaring thunder distracted you and you looked to the windows. The clouds had now hidden the moon, casting a dark shadow over the entire art studio. A chill ran up your spine, and you suddenly felt uncomfortable at his proximity.
“Um..I think the last bus home leaves in twenty minutes. I’ll try to catch it” You stated, shooting him a smile and standing up.
You took your bag, but Kim Jieong grabbed your arm, pulling you back towards him, “You can always convince me”
“Sorry?” You fumbled, stupidly. You…had to have heard him wrong. What was he talking about?
He smiled sweetly, and in the dark, his glasses glittered, “If you won the scholarship, the other students wouldn’t question it, you’ve already proven your worth to everyone”
“Right” You were unsure what he was trying to say, or hinting at. What the fuck did he mean by saying that you could convince him? “I should really go”
“It’s pouring. You’ll catch your death out there, Y/N” He stated, pointing to the storm outside. You swallowed, his grip on your arm foreign, “That’s fine. I have an umbrella”
“Ridiculous. I’ll give you a ride home” He shook his head.
“You really don’t have to. I already feel bad for ruining your dinner”
“Oh, stop apologising, Y/N. Your sweet talk drives me mad sometimes” His hand moved from your arm to your waist, wrapping around it and he pulled you closer to his body, "You stress too much. You need to learn to let things go”
You took a step back, unsure how to process this, “Professor…”
He closed the distance, and his other hand grabbed your chin, voice low in the dark room, “Why do you seem so nervous? You don’t have to be around me. We’re just talking, aren’t we?”
“Right” You were having a hard time breathing, panic surging through you. He was right. Of course. He was your professor. He would never hurt you or make you uncomfortable. He was a living legend. You shouldn’t be nervous. He was just being kind to you. He was the only person you’d looked up to your entire life, the reason you’d tried so hard to come here, and he would never do something wrong.
“I can see you struggling in class, and I know you’re doing everything you can to prove your worth. I’ve asked you this before, about what your dream is. ” He spoke, voice as low as a whisper, fingers gripping your jaw. 
“I…I don’t know what you mean” Your voice was shaking from the nerves, with no fucking idea how to navigate this situation. If you pushed him away, you’d lose all chance of winning the prize.
“Well….whatever it is” He smiled sweetly, and in the low light he looked less like the mentor you’d grown up loving and more menacing, “All you have to do…is ask me”
His eyes flickered to your lips, and back to your eyes. His grip on your waist was so tight, it felt like his palm was burning into your skin through your shirt. Had you somehow given him an alluded hint? He took a step even closer.
“I’m sorry….” You pushed him just enough so he wasn’t holding you anymore.
He looked surprised, eyes wide, and he laughed, “Y/N…What are you doing?” You grabbed your bag in a hurry, “I’m sorry. I should really go. The last bus…”
He called after you, but you rushed through the glass doors to the emergency stairwell. You didn’t want to be stuck in the elevator with him. You couldn’t breathe, legs moving off their own accord. A flash of lightning through the glass windows scared you, and you all but ran down the emergency stairwell, bag hanging off your shoulder, fists clenched. What the fuck. He obviously wasn’t making a move on you, right? You were just being paranoid. He was your professor. He was…the most famous artist in Seoul. He was the kindest person ever. You had to have been reading into things. 
You pushed the heavy door open, walking out onto the street. It was pouring rain, and you let out a breath, taking in the air. The rain soaked through your clothes, and you were shivering. You wanted to call Hyunjin so he could pick you up and so you could cry in his arms, the only place where you'd feel safe, but he'd never even given you his new number. He clearly wanted nothing to do with you. You looked down at your hands, and in your tension…you’d completely crushed the photobooth strip to pieces. 
Raindrops slowly trickled down, tracing the ruined paper in your palm. The only memory left of you and Hyunjin was now gone.
»»————-
You didn’t show up to class the next day. Or the next. Or the one after that.
You were still trying to wrap your head around it. Were you stupid for declining his advances and whatever he was suggesting? You couldn’t go back to class and face him. You’d be too embarrassed of your reaction. Maybe he wasn’t even suggesting anything and you jumped to conclusions. You had to have been imagining things. After all, he didn't actually do anything. Still, you’d ruined all your chances of getting the scholarship and succeeding in his class. What if he brought it up in class? What would the others think?
Your body was shaking from the cold. The heating in your apartment wasn’t working, so you sat on the floor, back to the kitchen counter, knees pulled up. You’d forgotten your huge canvas in class too, and it was probably in the garbage by now.
Your phone buzzed loudly, and Felix was calling. You picked up so he wouldn’t worry, but your voice sounded hollow, “Yes?”
“Babe. Where have you been? You’re not answering any texts the past week”
“I’m sorry…I got caught up in things. Is everything okay, Felix?”
“More than okay” He smiled on the other end, “I’m at the diner. They’re throwing a big party tonight! Apparently, it’s been ten years since it opened! Can you believe it?”
“Wow…it feels like we’d been going there our whole life”
“That’s what I said!” His excited voice came in, “So anyway for their anniversary celebration…all the drinks and food is free. You best believe I’m making full use of it”
You could hear so many familiar voices in the back, “Who all is there…?”
“Umm…well me and Minho, obviously. Hana’s here too. Seonmi, Eunbi and the others. Seungmin’s here as well.”
“Wow…I really wish I was there, Felix”
“Mm, I wish that too. Your apprenticeship better be worth it, Y/N. You’re missing all the good stuff. And everybody in Daejon misses you a lot. Mrs. Aera came up to me today and said the shop’s a mess without you haha”
“Really? It is? Mina isn’t taking care of it?”
“Ah, you know how Mina is. She can’t organise for the life of her. That shop was basically running because of you” He laughed, and you could hear him chew something.
“What are you eating?”
“Blueberry-chocolate waffles. There’s this new recipe Seonmi is trying out, and it’s so good. You should have it when you come back. How about you, love? Are you missing me a lot?”
“So much” You mumbled.
“Kim Jieong better be worth it” He sighed, “I guess I forgive you because you’ve been obsessed with him for years. Is he as dreamy as you imagined?”
“Um…” Your gut hurt, the memory of that night flooding through you, “Yeah. He’s…great”
“I’m sure he is” Felix chuckled, “I still remember how you stole all the magazines in the library that had his paintings in it”
“I didn’t steal them” You protested, “I just…borrowed them for a really long time”
He laughed, “To fawn all over your artist crush. I get it. And…what about your other lover? You accidentally bumped into him yet?”
You forced a smile, not having enough energy to protest that he wasn’t your lover, “No…I haven’t seen him”
“Well. Seoul isn’t that big, I’m sure you’ll find him. Or he’ll find you. Oh, I also forgot to tell you! A new cafe opened up in Daejon last week. It’s some fusion book-and-coffee cafe. They actually have the best coffee in town, no you didn’t hear me say that Seonmi” He started laughing, and you could hear them in the background. Suddenly, the past few months felt like a joke.
There were only two reasons you’d uprooted your life and come here. Now, you’d lost them both. 
So why were you still here?
Maybe you had acted rashly. You thought you’d fit in here, and that this was where you were meant to be. You’d felt stuck there, but here you weren’t any better. You'd probably only found the courage to come here because you knew Hyunjin was here too, and that was clearly...not the right thing to do. He didn't even want you near him, or anywhere in his life. He had made that plenty clear.
“I think I made a mistake” You whispered.
“Sorry?” Felix asked, still laughing loudly, “What mistake?”
“Moving out…I shouldn’t have done that”
“Wait…what? What do you mean?”
“I think I should come home”
“You’re messing with me. Right?” Felix laughed, “Didn’t you want to move to the city since you were fifteen?”
“But I was a kid. I didn’t know anything. I had no idea what to expect”
“Y/N…what are you saying?”
“I was happy in Daejon. I should never have come to Seoul” You stood up, moving to your bedroom.
It was like a parasite, an idea festering into your brain and heart, that maybe this was the reason for this unhappiness. Things were perfect in Daejon. Why had you been complaining all your life? All of your happy memories were there, so the logical thing to do…was go back to where they were created. Then you’d be happy again. You hadn’t learnt how to be happy in this house, in this city, in this new life. 
“Babe. I would be the happiest boy in the world if you came home to me, but maybe you should think this through. Did something happen? Why are you being like this?”
You grabbed your duffel bag off the shelf, “I can’t go back to class, Felix! I can’t. I messed up, big time”
“No, I’m sure you didn’t. You could never—”
“You don’t even know what happened!” You yelled. He fell silent on the other end, “Love. Just…what’s going on?”
You stared at your empty bag, “I’m…coming home. I should never have come here”
“Is that Y/N?” Minho’s familiar, comforting voice came in. You wanted to hug him and never let go. They were so far away. “Yeah” Felix responded to him, voice falling, “She says she’s…coming home”
“Give me the phone” Minho mumbled, “Y/N. What’s going on?”
You tossed your clothes in your bag, messily zipping it up, “I can’t stay here, Min”
“But what about the art classes?”
“If I don’t withdraw, I’ll probably be kicked out anyway” You mumbled, “I didn’t go to classes all week"
“You should think this through”
“I have thought it through! It was a stupid fucking mistake. One I needed to make. You know what they say anyway. The grass is greener on the other side. I just fell for the charms of the city, like everybody else”
“No disrespect but you’re making no sense” Minho’s voice was harsh, “You can’t just give up”
“Can you give the phone back to Felix please?” You asked.
“Fine” You heard it being passed around and then his voice came in, “Love. I’m here”
“Lix” You swallowed, “I know it seems like I’m being irrational, but I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I know it’s embarrassing and stupid, but maybe I was never supposed to be here”
Felix’s voice was so soft, calm, encouraging. You just needed to be near him, in his arms. “I believe you, Y/N. I’m gonna be okay with whatever you decide. I just really want you to think about this”
“I…I want to hug you, Lix” A sniffle escaped you, “I don’t want to go back to class” The idea had completely taken over you.
“Are you sure?”
“Nothing can make me stay” You swallowed. There was a sigh of resignation on the other end, and you knew he wouldn’t fight with you. He would agree with whatever you decided, and that’s what you needed right now. That’s why you called him, and not Yeonjun, or your other friends. Felix was the one person who wanted you home more than anything. He wouldn’t talk you out of it, even if this seemed like the stupidest decision you might be making. 
“What do you need me to do?” He asked, voice soft on the other end. Relief spread through you, and you stopped to look at the window outside your apartment, “A train ticket.”
You could sublease your apartment. You could figure the rest out from the comfort of your real home. You could go back to Aera’s, and get your life in order. You’d find a way to love Felix back. After all, he was the only one who wanted you the way you needed to be wanted. Maybe you were destined for that kind of life after all, where everything stays the same everyday. But that’s good, it was safe. The boy you loved had made you think that you belonged in the city, but he couldn't be more wrong.
That’s what you told yourself, at least, ripping your paintings off the wall. In your short-lived time here, you’d made and put them up to feel less lonely. There’d be no room to carry them back, so you bunched them up, carrying them to the garbage disposal in your apartment. As you shoved them in the disposal, you felt nothing. The hallway was warmer than your apartment and it made you feel a tad better.
Your phone buzzed again, and Felix had sent you something. The train ticket he’d bought for you. It was for tomorrow morning. You knew that you could always trust Felix, with anything. He would always be there for you, if nothing else. Perhaps you'd taken your friendship with him for granted this whole time.
“Need some help?” Jeongin asked. He was coming up the stairs, probably after having heard your struggle with the garbage. You shot him a smile, nodding. He came over, helping you, “Are you redecorating?”
“You could say that…”
“Wait. Are these your paintings?” He realised, stopping halfway.
“Can you help me with something?” You looked at him. He looked confused, and he was frowning, “Um. Sure. What do you need help with?”
“My suitcases…I don’t think the elevator is working”
“Are you going somewhere?” He tilt his head, further confusion scrunching his face. In another life, you and Jeongin could have been really good friends. 
“I’m just going home for a while” You mumbled, shutting the garbage door. For a while would be forever. He didn’t need to know that. It’s not like he would be sad, or miss your presence. 
“Oh. Okay. Of course, I’ll be there in a bit”
Back in your apartment, your phone buzzed again. It was your groupchat with Jeonghan and Minnie. You skimmed through the messages, feeling regretful.
yn are you sick? what’s going on? professor jieong told us you weren’t eligible for the prize anymore
You turned your phone off, staring outside the little kitchen window. The traffic wasn’t as loud as usual. It was a quiet night.
You hugged yourself, trying to find a singular reason to stay. Why had you wanted this life for so long? It had given you nothing but heartbreak, yet a part of you was so sad about leaving tomorrow. You squeezed your eyes shut, a single tear escaping. Maybe you wanted a sign to stay, despite everything in you screaming to leave. When you opened you eyes, your reflection mirrored on the glass pane and then you saw it.
A snowflake drifting down. It twirled in place and your eyes followed its path before it settled on your ledge, quickly crumbling into nothingness.
And then more followed, a flurry of snow falling like stardust. It was beautiful, a cloud of white enveloping everything so quickly, covering the street below. 
Your first snow in the city. 
A bitter smile tugged at your lips. 
The doorbell rang.
Jeongin was already here to help you with the bags. 
So much for a sign.
You grabbed your duffel, and your suitcase, wheeling it out. The quicker you moved with things, the easier it would be. Reaching for the rusty brass doorknob, you pulled the door open.
“Can you take this one? I’ll bring the other” You mumbled, pushing your things out. He nodded, still seemingly confused but he asked no questions, “What time’s your train?”
“In a few hours” You glanced at your phone, “But if there’s going to be a snowstorm, I’d prefer being at the station early…”
He grinned, still so happy and you wish he could share his secrets of eternal happiness, “Smart move. If it was me, I’d probably miss my train. Can’t tell you how many times that’s happened”
You smiled at him, “I can’t afford that”
“I called a taxi cab for you” He said. You nodded, “I’ll meet you downstairs. Thank you, Jeongin”
You stepped back into your apartment. There wasn’t much you’d brought with you, so there wasn’t much you had to take back. You’d never grown fond of this apartment. It had always felt like an inbetween place, while you waited your life to be perfect. Waiting was doing no favours for you.
You shoved your sketchbook into your duffel, putting on your coat before closing the apartment door behind you, and your throat closed up as you realised what you were doing. This was so fucking stupid, and this was rash but what else could you even do? Maybe you could come back to the city in the future if you wanted, but right now it was a terrible decision. You would go back home and you would hug Felix, and maybe you would kiss him and the ache in your heart would be better. The thought of his arms around you, as someone who genuinely cared about you, already made you want to cry.
You unceremoniously dragged your bag across the landing, and the taxi must have arrived already because you heard a loud honk.
It was freezing in the otherwise heated hallway. Your breaths came out in soft mists.
The door downstairs must have been left open, sending cold winds and flurries of snowflakes up the apartment. 
Jeongin would never forget to do that…
As you approached the top step with your bags, you realised who’d left it open.
Draped in a beige trench coat, cheeks red from the cold, Hyunjin stood at the bottom of your staircase.
»»————-
masterlist ⇒
please let me know if you liked the chapter, or any thoughts on this part! thank you :) 
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thehighladywrites · 3 months
Note
How would the acotar boys react and comfort a asexual reader?
acotar men x asexual reader
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summary: you’re asexual, how do the acotar men react?
warnings: mentions of violence
amara’s note: thank you for the request anon, i hope you like it💗💗
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Rhysand, Lucien
They understand perfectly well
Are proud that you told them and it honestly just prompts them to spoil you even more, to be more romantic
They understand that sex isn’t something everyone desires or want, especially after what they went through Under The Mountain.
Will fight ANYONE who says anything about it
They just focus on the other parts of your relationship bc they’re not animals who are only in it for the sex
They let you take control and if they do something that accidentally crosses your limits, they make mental notes of not ever doing it again unless you initiate it
They act like they always have, just with new guidelines
Your love hasn’t changed or decreased in any way
Cassian:
We all know this guy is very handsy and touchy, bro exudes sexual energy
He notices how you look kind of apprehensive and back off when he initiates something that will 100% lead to sex
I feel like he would be a bit conflicted when you tell him bc he views sex as something intimate and super casual, something he enjoys doing.
But he doesn’t like sex nearly as much as he loves you so he researches more about it and adjusts
You sit down with him and explain your feelings
He asks if he can kiss you, touch you, hug you, where your limit is and you explain where you draw the line
He realizes that he can’t joke and tease like he usually does bc his words and smooth actions bring women to bed with him
He doesn’t mention it because he doesn’t want you feeling conflicted or upset so he tones the secual jokes and innuendos down
If he ever feels turned on or something, he’ll jerk off privately bc he can’t imagine ever making you uncomfortable so he does it unnoticeable
He also picks up a new hobby with you to fill the space where he usually fucks
Whatever hobby you guys pick up, get becomes an expert in, literally anything
Azriel, Eris:
In my head, sex isn’t life or death for them, they manage without and it doesn’t affect them
They are very busy anyways
When you tell them that you’re ace, it makes no difference, only makes them more romantically charged instead of sexually charged.
They understand and recognize that a relationship is beyond sex.
There is love, care, banter and a lot of feelings involved
if anyone even ATTEMPTS to say something about it, they will most likely die or get seriously injured
Seriously, they don’t play when it comes to defending their love
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🏷️ tags: @infinityfandoms @amygdtjhddzvb
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bhaalbaaby · 5 months
Note
How do you think the companions would react to Tav being a virgin with intimacy issues?
oooh. i have thought about this before with one of my tavs, but never fully fleshed it out, so here are some headcanons for you ♥
gale would be understanding and wouldn't force tav to do anything they're uncomfortable with. he wouldn't want to push any boundaries. if anything, he'd take it as an opportunity to woo tav with small romantic gestures like holding hands and sitting near each other at camp. he also may make a wizard joke about virginity and something about his first time to try to help ease their discomfort. he would also find books with similar premises and read them to tav. he would be very gentle with them if they decided to sleep with him for the first time, making sure they're comfortable and again not wanting to push them out of their comfort zone.
wyll also would be understanding. he is willing to wait until the end of time so long as tav is comfortable. he would be a gentleman towards tav, giving them gifts and trinkets that reminded him of them. he'd like to take them on strolls around the camp and anywhere calm area they find while adventuring, maybe even picnicking and reading sonnets he wrote about them. while i don't think wyll has intimacy issues of his own, i do think after talking to tav, they would come to an understanding that they would wait until a very special moment happens when everything feels right. he would have to tamper down his excitement to make sure he doesn't cross any lines, but it would be an enjoyable time for better times to come.
lae'zel wouldn't understand it at first since it's just physical actions. she wouldn't coerce tav, seeing it as failed lay. however if she sees them still attempting to woo her, she'd allow it since she sees them trying to chase her. this would be a lot of communication between lae'zel and tav as lae'zel has her own intimacy issues since she saw it as a priority. she'd try her best to understand her partner after a bit of convincing since she will be pent up on her own. if tav decides to sleep with lae'zel for the first time, it would require even more communication and groundwork/rules so it would be comfortable for tav and lae'zel would learn that even softness can be erotic and enjoyable.
shadowheart would use this information as blackmail should it come to that with an 'understanding' ear, relating because she cannot remember her first time. she'd mostly see them as a friend she shared a potential wine-drunk kiss with. she would try to build up their intimacy by asking them to meditate with her and try to get them to talk about why they think they may have intimacy issues/wait to have sex, but this time just as knowledge instead of blackmail. she wouldn't want to make them do anything either since she is focused on her mission. after her mission depending on the choices, dark justiciar shadowheart would want to 'cure' tav of their 'ailment' to help them process and move forward, not so they can sleep together, but truly out of the goodness of her heart. selunite shadowheart would be ready to sleep with tav whenever as part of her new path of accepting her fears and would hope they would be comfortable enough with her to do the same.
karlach would want to help tav the best she could, knowing how it is wanting to do something like that, but not be able to. they would find non-touching ways to show intimacy (mostly out of necessity) but it would help build their bond and ease any insecurities tav may be harboring since physicalities are out of the way for now. once they can touch, karlach has to keep herself together like wyll since as excited as she is, she doesn't want to alienate her partner by wanting to have sex right away and she also doesn't want to disappoint them by being their first when she's 'out of practice.' when they do have sex, it's very passionate as karlach lets tav take the lead on what they do and how they do it, stopping if things get overwhelming.
astarion wouldn't know what to do with tav at first since his plan would fall apart immediately. he wouldn't want to force himself on them since he isn't compelled to and wouldn't want to put his safety at risk by doing that either. so he plays the long game, seeing what tav likes and dislikes. he will butter them up with compliments and pick up lines that work in the past while allowing them into his space without expecting anything in return. since he feeds on them, it's easier if they share bedrolls which is a lot for the both of them. tav at first prefers to have their rolls next to each other so there's a closeness, but still a barrier and so astarion doesn't disturb their rest since he doesn't sleep/meditate for too long. but slowly they get down to one bedroll and sharing body space becomes more common even if sex is not happening. by the time this happens however, astarion makes the decision that he himself is not ready for that type of relationship with tav, not wanting to feel the ick that he has when it comes to sex. if astarion stays a spawn, he will still take his time when it comes to tav and moving forward with sex. he is fine with small things like kisses and will start small with foreplay until they are both comfortable with going all the way. ascended astarion would not have the time and energy for tav. he would hold it over their head that since they are bound to him, so is their body. i don't think he would compel them to sleep with him, but he definitely would bring it up more often than tav would be comfortable with.
halsin would be understanding with tav, praising them for at least being upfront and honest about their situation. he knows it's not easy to have intimacy issues as he has his own. If he senses tav is interested in him, he would be respectful of their boundaries, widdle trinkets while they have time near each other. he would also try to find something in nature similar to tav in hopes of them understanding they are not alone. if they choose him, he would try his best to contain himself as he knows the bear form would be absolutely too much for tav even if they think it wouldn't.
minthara wouldn't understand unless it was a reason caused by someone else because she would vow to end the person who caused harm to tav and caused their issues. if it doesn't stem from that, it would take her mind a little bit to understand why tav has waited and their issues. she would wait until they're ready and hope it wouldn't affect how tav is out on the battlefield. as the two get closer, she would be more willing to spend time with them by showing her culture if they aren't drow or duegar, and just spend time with them the best they could. if they choose her for their first time, it would be an intense, but enjoyable time. i don't know how she would react to a drow male having these issues however. i think she would have to do a lot of self-reevaluating and reprogramming her mind from lolth to be able to accept them and move forward.
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paintingwhiteceilings · 5 months
Text
❃How EXO acts around their crush❃
a/n: This is 10000% just for my own pleasure. I may have had this in my drafts for weeks... I am totally okay with all the Kyungsoo solo content and EXO ladder dropping. Totally. Super functional, delusional who?
ALSO to any EXO-L that are sharing Chen's LEAKED wedding photos. Please be respectful and either delete them or, at the very least, blur out his wife's face. Chen has gone to great lengths to safeguard her privacy, as she is not famous nor wants to be in the spotlight. Not to mention that there could be crazy sasaengs out there with ill intent. Sharing her info is basically doxing, and it is insane to me how many people shared these posts without much thought. Anyway, I needed to share my frustrations.
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Xiumin/Minseok:
✾ He is a lot shyer than the other members; where most of EXO probably feels comfortable enough to act on their crushes, he is a bit more reserved. He wants to test the waters first, ascertaining whether the feeling is mutual. Whenever you are around and are talking to other people, he sits back silently, observing your reactions.
✾ Xiumin is smiling so widely around you that the other members worry that his muscles might start cramping up soon. The moment he sees you, his bubbly personality starts to really shine through, and sometimes you can't help but wonder whether this man truly is 33.
✾ That being said, from the moment that anyone offers Xiumin a couple of drinks, his confidence spikes, and he will start flirting with you. His flirting is still extremely sweet and cute; Xiumin can be incredibly charming when he wants to be.
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Suho/Junmyeon
✾ He is such a gentleman around you, trying to make you feel at ease with his kind gestures. Whether it is him pulling back a chair or opening a door for you, he will do anything to make you feel like a princess.
✾ Being one of EXO's proud black card owners, he will casually buy you whatever you need. He keeps repeating that he wants to treat his friends when you try to interject. You can't completely refute it; he does spend a lot of money on the members. Yet, you can't help but feel like his gifts are slightly too expensive and excessive for 'just friends'.
✾ So. Many. Soft. Glances. Suho looks at you like you hung the moon and the stars; you catch him staring at you almost every time you look over. Conversations with him can, therefore, be a tad awkward. He doesn't always register what you are saying; he is so absorbed in watching you that he forgets to listen.
✾ The other members relentlessly tease him for it. If you don't catch on based on Suho's actions, you will definitely catch on due to his members' relentless teasing. Whenever he does anything remotely romantic around you, their faces light up like Christmas came early. The members are not subtle about it whatsoever, thoroughly enjoying putting their leader in a slightly uncomfortable position.
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Baekhyun:
✾ The members didn't think it was possible, but Baekhyun somehow became louder. It is as if he wants to draw your attention simply by screaming, as he no longer has any volume control when you are around. Everyone can hear your conversation from across the room, and his laughter becomes borderline obnoxious as it overpowers any other sound.
✾ He is such a tease and a suggestive one at that. Considering he has no problem revealing intimate, not suitable to be aired on national TV, details about the members' bodies, he won't have any trouble suggestively flirting with you. Where Xiumin's pick-up lines are cute, Baekhyun's are far from it. Give this man some holy water, Jesus.
✾ He is so intense with his flirting that it sometimes crosses the line of sexy to parody, coming off as a joke. Baekyhyun has a very flirty personality and isn't above flirting with his friends. Even though he isn't subtle about his crush, he can accidentally fall into the "he flirts with everyone" category, making you question whether he genuinely likes you or is just being friendly.
✾ He really enjoys the chase when it comes to relationships. Thus, it will take him quite some time before he asks you out, simply because he likes the push-and-pull game.
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Chanyeol
✾ There is nothing subtle about Mr. Park Chanyeol. The moment he sees someone he wants to date, he is going for it full steam ahead. Puppy Chanyeol is momentarily retired as he makes his way over to you; Chanyeol knows that he is handsome and sexy, and he is ready to show it to you. I hope you weren't interested in anyone else because the moment you return any of his interest, he will be flirting with you like there is no tomorrow.
✾ Internally, he is so excited to be talking to you, and sometimes, you will see glimpses of his cute puppy-like persona, especially once he feels like you are just as interested. Still, the words coming out of this man's mouth, Jesus part two. Please go and ask Baekyhun to pass the holy water.
✾ That being said, he will get embarrassed when the other members are around or slightly bashful when you return his flirting at full force. I don't think Chanyeol is used to anyone sharing his level of intensity, so once you do, he gets a bit flustered. He absolutely loves it, though. Your compliments got him grinning from ear to ear.
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D.O./Kyungsoo
✾ Don't get me wrong, I adore this man to a delusional extent, but he is absolutely hopeless when it comes to communicating with his crush. He won't go anywhere near you if he can't help it; he prefers looking at you from afar. He is someone who favours being approached first over approaching you himself. It isn't that he doesn't want to talk to you; he simply isn't the type of person to initiate contact with his crush and tends to stay back when he can tell that someone else is interested, too. 
✾ Even if he finds himself near you, don't expect him to have a full-blown conversation with you. He already tends to be a man of little words, but when it comes to you, he is a man of not a single word. Being around you is enough to make him happy; he doesn't really need to have a deep conversation. 
✾ Nevertheless, his actions make more than up for it. He is such a gentleman, being the definition of preferential treatment. You don't have a chair to sit on? He will quietly offer you his. Your sweater got caught on something? He will silently help you get it out. Although he may not say much to you, he communicates his feelings through his actions. 
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Kai/Jongin
✾ If you think Xiumin or Kyungsoo are shy, you have not yet met Kai with a crush. He turns into absolute mush the moment he sees you, giggling and blushing whenever you do as much as breathing. You can't even see him because he has resorted to hiding behind the other members, preferably Sehun or Chanyeol, as they are tall enough to obscure him completely.
✾ If he somehow musters up the courage to talk to you, good luck having it go anywhere because he can barely make it through a sentence without giggling. It is obvious to everyone around him that he is smitten with you; his laughs are awkwardly loud, and his eyes are literally shooting hearts.
✾ The moment he manages to ask you to dance, his shy demeanour completely changes. His movement… His expressions… The way he is smirking at you… Maybe you should go and ask Chanyeol whether there is anything left of the holy water he borrowed from Baekyhun.
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Sehun
✾ He has one of two ways of acting around his crush: either he acts super bratty or becomes painfully shy. It depends on whether he has met and talked to you before. But, if you are complete strangers, he would be so quiet, hiding in the furthest corner he can find.
✾ He will pester the members to go over and collect as much information as they can about you. They will do it because he will whine the entire night about it if they don't and, repeat with me, what Sehun wants, Sehun gets. The members try to convince Sehun to go talk to you himself, but Sehun stubbornly refuses. Bro will be playing the Maknae card harder than he ever has in his entire life.
✾ In the end, he will drag Suho with him, trying to 'casually' strike up a conversation with you. The small talk is painful, and in all honesty, Suho, with his dad jokes, isn't helping in the slightest. At the very least, it provides the two of you with a new conversational topic: the teasing of Suho.
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masterlist
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ineffectualdemon · 10 months
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I don't think saying "why would any adult want to be friends with a kid? What could they possibly have in common?" Is helpful when talking about concerns about grooming
Not only because cross generational relationships are not inherently bad or predatory
(the one bad example I gave on my other post doesn't cancel out all the really wonderful adults who made me feel safe as a teenager)
But because it's disingenuous
What could an adult possibly have in common with a teenager?
Well:
They like the same shows
The same music
The same books
The same YouTubers
They do the same crafts
Art styles
Other hobbies
They do the same sport (archery, martial arts, etc)
It's not bad to be friendly and have friendships with people who share your interests and hobbies even if they are in another generation
Thats how skills get passed on to new generations. This is a positive thing!
But that's also the reason this:
"why would any adult want to be friends with a kid? What could they possibly have in common?"
Isn't helpful
Because kids know what they have in common with the adult they are friends with so it must be a combination of common interest + they ARE as mature as their new friend says and it all feeds into the grooming talk the adult is using on them
Most of the adults who have friendships with teens are very aware that they are adults and have a firm line that they will not cross and will in fact tell the kids how to protect themselves better. These are adults to choose to engage with teens to teach and be friends in the very careful distant way that you are with somebody else's child. They are there to have fun, impart some wisdom, and feel like a proud mentor and make sure everyone is safe.
Not to say the teens are lesser as the learning goes both ways. Teens are young but there is a saying about fresh eyes being helpful. Kids are not stupid and I have learned a lot from just my teenager. Teens are worth listening to
In those friendships the adult has a responsibility but they can be a vital resource and help for teens who aren't getting any support from home
(there are also adults who are not choosing to engage with you and you can't be angry at people swearing and telling raunchy jokes at their table that you weren't invited to when you're the one who walked over and they already told you to go away. And sometimes the Mentor/Friend person will be at that table and tell you to go away as well and you need to listen.)
But the ones who are shady can easily counteract that message because they are in private messages talking about things they absolutely shouldn't and then saying how mature you are to prevent you from expressing how uncomfortable you are
They will keep pressing your boundaries to make you give me and they will encourage you to keep it a secret
Teenagers
It's not bad to have friends who are adults and it is perfectly ok to have people older than you in your life. You add value to these relationships and it's good for both generations to communicate and learn from each other
But: if someone is telling you deeply personal intimate stuff that makes you uncomfortable or asks you questions about your body or sex life but you don't feel able to tell them that, or suggest you keep the friendship or chats a secret and go on to praise your maturity - that's not okay
That's shady as hell
A real friend whose an adult will keep things in the open and would never suggest you keep your chats secret and if they did say something to make you uncomfortable (we're all fallible) they will apologise and make sure to not do that in the future. But they have to actually not do it in the future
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aimbutmiss · 1 month
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another snippet from the shuggy fic I'm writing:
“You’re doing great, Buggy.”
Rayleigh nodded proudly with a smile and crossed arms as he watched the detached hand fly back to its owner, seamlessly reconnecting to Buggy’s wrist.
“It still feels weird.”
“That’s only natural. There’s nothing normal about it.”
Neither Rayleigh nor Roger had devil fruit powers, so even if they helped with his training, neither could help Buggy to a full extent.
“It’s in your own hands to figure this out and get through it. It’s scary, I know. But if anyone can do it, it’s you.”
That’s what Roger had said, but Buggy wasn’t so sure. He didn’t feel like he had what it takes to figure this mess out on his own.
His breathing still got jagged whenever he detached any part of his body, his mind recreating the pain that should have been there but wasn’t. It worked similarly to phantom limb ache; your eyes see your hand get ripped clean off and it fills in the gap. It’s not like Buggy was actually in pain, but it felt very uncomfortable. It was getting better though, the more he used his powers. His mind was starting to catch up to his body. But that didn’t make him feel better. His own body felt alien to him. Nothing felt like it used to. He was sweating a lot more, and while Roger joked it was puberty, they both knew that was not the case. His overall body temperature felt much higher than usual. Crocus did checkups on him regularly, which showed that while he was indeed warmer, it was not to a dangerous extent. But he was still under the doctor’s careful watch, just in case.
Buggy didn’t let any of that stop his training. He put on a brave face because he didn’t want to look weak, to disappoint Roger and Rayleigh. He couldn’t let a minor inconvenience break him, not when Shanks was still training, getting stronger every day. Buggy might not have conqueror’s haki, but he could still be strong like his friend. At least he got the other boy beat in the smarts department.
Buggy could get through this.
He started sneaking out at night, when most of the crew was asleep, to find a quiet corner and practice. And while Shanks usually slept like a rock, he was weirdly susceptive to Buggy’s absence. It didn’t take long for him to realize what his friend was up to.
“Rayleigh would be angry if he caught you. You’re cutting up on your precious sleep time.”
Buggy rolled his eyes. “Sleeping one hour less is not gonna kill me. And Rayleigh can shove the worried father act up his ass.”
Shanks chuckled at the foul words. “Don’t let him hear that.”
The red head settled down on the wooden floor of the ship, making himself comfortable as if he was going to watch a show.
Buggy turned to Shanks with furrowed brows. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Watching you.”
“Why? Just leave.”
“Nope.”
Buggy felt like punching his friend to the other side of the Grand Line but managed to keep calm. He couldn’t let the boy waste his precious training time any longer. “Ugh. Fine, whatever.”
He started by detaching his fingers first, quickly pulling them back. Then he worked his way up, doing the same with his hand, his forearm, and eventually his whole arm. Then he detached them all at once. That still felt the worse. He could handle doing it one at a time, but cutting himself up too much made him nauseous. He went on to do the same with his legs, the foot first and working his way upward… Shanks, who had been weirdly silent up until then, finally spoke up:
“Have you tried detaching both feet at once?”
Buggy looked at him with wide eyes, shutting the idea down quickly. “Of course not! I’d just smack to the ground.”
Shanks rubbed his chin with curiosity. “Hm, maybe. But you can make your parts fly, can’t you?”
“…” Buggy stared at his feet in apprehension. He hated to admit it, but Red’s logic was sound. If he could make his limbs float, he could technically do the same with his whole body, right?
Shanks walked closer, holding his arms out like a safety net around him. “How about this? I’ll catch you if it doesn’t work.”
“… You better.”
“I’d never let anything happen to you.”
Buggy’s ears got red at the blunt confession. It confused him, how easy honesty came to the other. It was as if he could never feel ashamed of how he felt. Buggy would have felt envious if embarrassment didn’t overwhelm his other emotions.
“… Shut up.” He simply deflected because he didn’t know what to say. He turned his attention back to his feet and reluctantly raised one, detaching it from his foot. He stayed like that for a few seconds, not knowing how to go about this. It’s not like he’d be hurt badly, but losing your footing was not a pleasant thought. Everything in his brain screamed “Don’t do it!” but it all quieted down as Shanks’ hand sneaked its way into his, squeezing in reassurance. Buggy didn’t even realize it, but his other foot slowly detached from the ankle, skipping away from his body. He opened his squeezed-shut eyes one after the other, looking down at his lack of feet. But he wasn’t touching the ground.
He was floating.
He panicked at the sight and fell on his butt, or at least he should have but he just gently landed on it. He looked back at Shanks, who had held him from his arms to slow his fall, with grateful eyes. His feet skipped back over to him, reattaching themselves. He took the hand Shanks was offering and the boy pulled him up to his feet once again.
Shanks looked at him with wide eyes and an even wider smile, the picture of pure amazement. “Buggy, that was amazing!”
He looked away in embarrassment, unsure of how to feel of his accomplishment. “More like creepy.”
“But you can fly now! Imagine getting the hang of that… This is so cool!”
Buggy was still apprehensive about the absurdity of his powers, but he had to admit that this was pretty exciting news. He was still mourning the loss of his ability to swim, but he could fly now... sort of. Maybe it was true that you win some, and you lose some.
Still, floating felt terrifying, even when he was only a few inches off the ground. He was certain that nothing could ever fill the void the comfort of the sea had left behind.
“I think we should go back to sleep.”
“Yeah, probably. You did great today.”
Buggy smiled brightly at him. “Thanks to you.”
Shanks looked away, rubbing his nape as his face grew red. “W-well it’s what friends are for…”
Buggy slept like a baby for the first time in a long time, but Shanks kept staring at the ceiling till the first rays of sunlight filled the room.
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ot3 · 1 year
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Ok, now after all that Phoenix dad asks, i can't help but share my own unnecessary opinion. I feel like the rapport between Beanix and Trucy is too good for him to be a shitty parent, but the game strongly implies he has alcohol problem. Like no matter how I squint at the source material Beanix is alcoholic. And it's really hard to imagine him being a great dad if he' s spending their meager funds on "grape juice". ( Although with his life at this period I would really wish that at least he did the parenting gig right)
oh man i have been getting a lot of asks on this subject over the past coupe days and mostly avoided answering them because i just sort of more or less said my piece on the matter and didn't want to keep dragging out the same points but this take. is a really insidious one imo. and i feel like you've unwittingly touched on The Elephant In The Room regarding this entire discussion.
I don't think you really meant any harm by this and i hesitate to ascribe any real-world politics to people based on how they interact with fiction, but it's really difficult to see people talk about addiction in fiction this way and imagine they would have more sympathy for real addicts.
Someone being an addict does not de facto make them a bad parent. Someone being poor does not de facto make them a bad parent. I would also argue that someone being too poor to fully provide for their children doesn't de facto make them a bad parent either, because poverty - especially child poverty - is a structural problem and not an individual one.
But I digress, that's not really relevant, because there's absolutely nothing in ace attorney 4 that suggests that the wright's financial problems are caused by phoenix's drinking! Nor is there anything that suggests his drinking has caused him to in any way mistreat Trucy. Anything we see that could be loosely interpreted as neglectful parenting, such as bringing Trucy to poker games or leaving for long stretches to work on the jurist system, can be linked to their financial situation. And you're immediately correlating between the financial stuff and the addiction. Not illogically, but what you have to remember is that alcoholism is often a symptom of poverty, rather than the other way around.
Addiction is obviously very bad even if its not at the point where it's causing your entire life to fall apart! But phoenix is clearly functional and competent during the events of aa4, so i think to act like struggling with addiction is in and of itself enough to negate all of the good parenting he does is just suuuper shitty.
There's really a lot of bizarre distaste for anything resembling Addiction and Poverty amongst ace attorney fans, I've seen really nasty sentiment from people wrt aa4 that, once you cut through what they're actually saying, boils down to 'implying phoenix could ever be an alcoholic made him a fundamentally less good/less likeable character' and man. i just think that really sucks.
especially considering the fact that shu takumi has been pretty open about the fact that 1. he writes phoenix with a lot of Himself in there and 2. he's had, to say the least, a somewhat involved relationship with alcohol. He talks about drinking through work extensively in a pretty cavalier way. I don't expect everyone to know these details but i think anyone who has ever laughed about how shu takumi wrote most of JFA drunk needs to stop and wonder why they think making phoenix an alcoholic crosses some sort of moral line. Along those lines, I also feel similarly uncomfortable when people try to insist non stop that 'its just grape juice, there's no way it was supposed to be implying anything, it's just a joke.' it just feels super disrespectful to try and ignore the narrative implications here coming from a creator who has struggled with alcohol because you think it somehow taints the wholesomeness of a character he based off of himself.
i would urge you and everyone else who has had similar thoughts to please just sort of take a moment and re-asses the opinions you have on this subject and see if you're not just voicing some pretty harmful kneejerk responses to seeing alcoholism depicted or alluded to in ways you're not really used to. Because this just is not the take in any way, shape, or form.
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simplepotatofarmer · 9 months
Text
tell me
a very short emerald duo fic for my 'hey loyal write this' challenge based on one of @vpofcookies's prompts found here!
●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・●
“Who the heck gave a zombie a sword?”
Phil looked over, a potion in his hand, the glass bottle slightly cracked from when the witched dropped it, and tilted his head.
“You alright, mate?”
With a groan, Techno straightened and kicked the golden sword. It skittered across the stone and into the dark, out of sight.
“Pfft, I’m fine, Phil,” said Techno. “It’s just a waste of a perfectly good sword.”
Laughing, Phil pocketed the potion.
“Like you’d use a gold sword anyway.”
“Y’know what, that’s fair. That’s fair.” Techno grit his teeth. The smell of fresh blood was still in the air. “Let’s get out of here, man. This dungeon is lame.”
Techno prided himself on being a good host. It was important, important in ways that he couldn’t always articulate; even when he’d rather be left alone, rather not have to make pointless small talk, he would because it was right.
But right now he wanted to kick Phil out.
The blood had soaked through his undershirt, making it stick uncomfortably between his skin and the armor. The armor he still hadn’t taken off. He shifted on his feet, wanting to pace but knowing it’d only make the injury worse.
It would be my luck that the dang zombie with the sword would find the one chink in my armor—
“Are you sure you’re alright, mate?”
“Heh?”
“You’ve been a little out of it,” said Phil, worry clear on his face.
“Nah, I’m tired, man. You know me, a lil’ adventurin’ and I’m ready for a nap.”
One of Phil’s eyebrows quirked up.
“Mm hm.”
The waistband of Techno’s pants was damp, the blood having seeped that far down and if he didn’t get Phil out of here, there would be blood on the floor and a lot of explaining and worrying going on.
“What? You don’t believe me? I’m hurt, Phil…” Techno walked towards the door, hoping that Phil would follow him. He didn’t. Techno tilted his head towards the door and then yawned. “Well, I guess that’s my sign to get to bed.”
“Mate.”
Phil crossed his arms over his chest, eyebrow now rising so high that it had disappeared beneath the brim of his hat.
“Phil.”
Phil didn’t move. Techno sighed.
“Alright, alright,” he said moving back to sit on the closest stool. It hurt to sit and he winced. “It was that stupid zombie with the sword, got me right in the side.”
The look of surprise on Phil’s face caught Techno off-guard enough to make him pause in taking off his armor.
“You got stabbed?” A second later and Phil was at his side. “Why the hell didn’t you say something?”
“I mean, it’s kinda embarrassin’, gettin’ stabbed by a zombie of all things,” he said, undoing the straps of the chest plate and dropping it to the ground.
“Oh, you—” Worry and exasperated affection was etched into the lines of Phil’s face. “I’ll go get the first aid kit.”
Techno groaned, rubbing a hand over his face.
“See, this is exactly why I didn’t say anythin’, Phil.”
“Shut,” called Phil from the other room. When he returned, he was holding the small, beat-up box that was Techno’s first aid kit. “How about you tell me when you get stabbed?”
“Pfft, and admit weakness? Never.”
Sitting next to him, Phil shook his head. The worry was still present on his face but the smile was soft and fond.
“You know you don’t have to worry about with me. Let me see, mate.”
Techno lifted his shirt – he would have to soak it to get the stain out, stitch the tear closed – and pulled it back to expose the injury. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been but it was deep, the sword having been shoved into his flesh without thought.
“You’re lucky it didn’t hit anything important,” said Phil. He wiped the blood away, examining the wound, before pouring a bit of healing potion onto it and covering it with a bandage. Phil sighed, rubbing Techno’s knee with his free hand. “I mean it, mate, next time tell me.”
For a moment, Techno thought about making a joke. It would’ve been easy and a lot less awkward. Instead, he placed his hand over Phil’s and squeezed.
“Alright, Phil, alright.” A beat. “Seriously, who gives a zombie a sword?”
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xdjville · 2 months
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° ᡣ𐭩 . ° . wayv as not-so-common romance tropes - xiaojun . ° . ᡣ𐭩 °
description: you get to choreograph and teach the routine to wayv's new song, and good god, you look hot in those sweatpants
pairing: idol!xiaojun x gn!choreographer!reader
cw: reader has long hair and a crop top, a few curse words, xiaojun being an extreme case of a loser
word count: 1,677
author's note: the first chapter of this series is out, yay! it was the first one i wrote and to be honest it was the reason this turned into series, originally the stories were supposed to be in a form of bulletpoints but i got a little carried away with dejun here... what can i say i love me a loser man 😔✊
you first met xiaojun after your demo choreography got chosen for wayv's new title track.
as a mentee of one of sm's most recognised choreographers, over the years you naturally picked up his dance style that the agency had favored so much, and after working as a dancer for a few years, you finally got to make your first original choreography - for red velvet's song.
with the instant recognition from the fans that your work got you, tiktok challenges with the choreography going viral and praise for both the group and you flooding the comment section under the dance practice video, the company began to hire you more often. that had eventually lead you to where you were then - having already worked with most of their artists at least once, it was time for your first collaboration with nct. wayv, to be exact.
when meeting the members for the first time, you were more nervous than usual. you couldn't put you finger on what exactly was the reason - was it their visuals that almost made you choke on your words from seeing them up close, or the group's, and you mean it in the nicest way possible, overwhelming personalities? maybe it was the combination of both, who knows.
but as the first practice went on, you quickly found yourself getting more comfortable with them, the uneasiness dissolving with each joke and silly remark from their side. on top of that, they seemed to have a lot of respect for you and your skills, letting you know they loved the choreography every chance they got and in the result giving you a good boost of confidence.
that is, except xiaojun. xiaojun was not feeling any more relaxed - if anything, he was getting more tense.
why? the answer was simple, although it took a good amount of courage for him to even say it in his head. the thought alone was making him very uncomfortable, feeling like he's going through puberty once again and not fully understanding the signals his body was sending.
you were, to put it simply, fucking hot.
and if that alone wasn't humiliating enough, dejun kept making a fool of himself because of how nervous you made him. normally, he was pretty confident with his dancing skills, but with you standing in front of him, your eyes carefully following his every move, arms crossed, hair, slightly disheveled from dancing, falling on your shoulders, your gray sweatpants, god, those gray sweatpants...
obviously, you noticed his uneasy state, it was hard not to. though since you didn't know him outside practices, you just assumed he was the shy type and hopefully would warm up to you with time. his members, on the other side, knowing their friend probably better than he knew himself, caught on to what's going on almost instantly. and no words had to be exchanged to form a silent agreement to make it even worse for him.
it's safe to say that the next week was nothing short of a living hell. every morning xiaojun had to hype himself up to even show up for the dance practices because of how straight up stupid he felt there. he had trouble memorising the choreography, because every time he tried to follow your moves, instead his eyes would move on their own to follow the hem of your cropped shirt, then the line of your waist all the way down to the waistband of those goddamn sweatpants. on top of that, he became so hyperaware of his own actions he started to question if he'd always been like this, or if your presence just turned him into a completely different person.
and because the only thing he would get out of your lessons was was what you wore on that day, every night he had to stay another few hours after everyone left to actually practice the choreography with the guide video you sent them in the beginning (he was thanking the universe that you weren't in that video, or else it might have gone very badly for him).
after he was done with that, all he could do was pray that his members were asleep by the time he returned to the dorm so he could wash the day away and hide in his room to push his face into the pillow - which, most of the time, was not the case. so the second he stepped through the door he was bombarded with unnecessary questions that they all obviously knew the answers to, but still posed them to him just for the sake of it ("what took you so long, you two made out in there or something?", "fuck off, guanheng."). those were then followed by teasing remarks, kissing noises, and occasionally some actually helpful, although unasked for, advice from kun or sicheng who got a sudden surge of conscience.
that's how xiaojun spent six out of seven days of your work together. six very long, draining days.
after finishing your last practice session together, all seven of you sat down on the floor, talking about everything and anything. drinking the last sips of your watered down iced americanos, getting to know each other, and joking around. you were enjoying your well deserved break, when at some point xiaojun stood up, very abruptly - you assumed he also realised it was a bit too sudden from the way he took a second to recompose himself, looking around sheepishly - and made a beeline towards the door, mumbling something about going to the bathroom.
before the door could even close behind him, ten jumped to his feet even faster than dejun had and bolted out of the room, following his friend right behind. puzzled, you watched the door slowly close behind them, but the remaining four members didn't seem fazed at all - they seemed to understand the situation much better than you, sharing glances and not-so-discreet smiles between each other.
at that point you were starting to feel a little worried - have you done anything to make him so uncomfortable around you? it's been quite a while since your first meeting and all the members had loosened up, but not xiaojun. thinking back, you can't even recall one time he looked you in the eyes, and it made you feel terrible.
using that the reason for your concerns had left, you decided to ask about dejun'a behavior, hoping that his friends would ease your worries and confirm that it was just his way of being and not you unintentioanlly being an asshole. after hearing your question yangyang only smiled wider, eyeing the three of his members with an expression full of something you couldn't really read,
"just wait."
well, that did not ease your worry at all. but before you could dwell and ask for more explanation the door opened again, and the two who left earlier returned. instead of going back to their previous spots though, they remained right by the entrance, their faces showing emotions so different they looked almost comical next to each other.
on one side stood ten, both hands resting on his hips, his smile nearly reaching his ears and eyes beaming with... excitement? maybe pride? meanwhile to his left was xiaojun, with arms crossed on his chest and head tilted down almost at a ninety degree angle, only small parts of his unbelievably reddened cheeks visible from between his dark hair strands. you almost thought he looked adorable like this, but you mentally slapped yourself just before that idea could be finished. not the right time, y/n.
"i guess it's time for us." kun spoke up, turning to you with a bright smile - what the hell were they all so jolly about? with that, the five of them said their goodbye's and thank you's, each giving you a warm hug before leaving out of the same door the two had been standing by moment earlier. before you could even muster up a proper reply, you and dejun were left alone in the empty practice room, the tension between you making the air so thick it was starting to get hard to breathe.
after the loud slam of the exit you turned your attention back to xiaojun, who seemed to had taken that moment of the spotlight not being on him for once to compose himself a bit, and was now standing straight, the color on his now fully visible face slightly closer to his original skin tone. your eyes locked for a brief moment, but he quickly averted his gaze back to the floor.
although still not fully in understanding of the situation you found yourself in, you were honestly starting to get a bit annoyed. you didn't want to leave any unresolved problems behind, knowing it would be hard for both of you if you were to work together again, so you took the initiative,
"dejun, what is all of this about? do you have something to tell me?"
the said man tensed up even more at the sound of his own name, closing his eyes tightly in a desperate attempt to get somewhat of a grip of himself. after taking a deep breath, and then another one, he opened his eyes again, and for a moment he swore the world started spinning at the sight of you. despite that he knew it was his only chance to let out what had been weighing on him, so he mustered up all the confidence he had left for that day to take a few bold steps forward until you were just an arm length away. it took probably all the confidence he had stored for that comeback to then raise his head and meet your eyes and, for the first time, don't look away.
"fuck it," he thought, knowing that it was extremely unlikely he would gather the courage to get to that point again, especially with your involvement in preparations for that comeback being done.
he took another, very shaky, deep breath,
"would you, uh, like to got out, maybe, sometime?"
©xdjville
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dreamofmetoday · 10 months
Text
JEON SOMI REPUTATION IN THE INDUSTRY READING
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how female idols view somi overall:
at best, a lot of female idols think somi is okay in small doses and at worst, think she’s someone not worth any time and effort - finding her to be a backstabber who causes too much drama (that things don’t end well if you get involved with her). people think she has a lot of drama in her life, both with her friends and her love life. she is mostly seen as somewhat confident, but in the sense where it’s selfish and dominating and perhaps a mask for insecurity. they see her as someone that they know wants to make an impression, she wants to be the main character. they see her as someone that seems to think people are against her (she somehow makes this known or complains about it, all her “haters”) but they think it’s a bit weird because she’s “ostracised” due to her own behaviour in almost all of these cases. she’s a bit of an outsider - she’s different in a way a lot of people don’t really want to be associated with (a lot of this is due to how they think she is underhanded and also copies others). they think she is not very grounded (self-unaware) and causes problems in a dramatic way - she could be known for storming off, slamming doors or not caring about getting loud and telling someone off in public. they think she crosses lines and boundaries. they thinks she’s very hot and cold and switches up easily - sort of all or nothing but not really in a positive way and seems unstable. they think she wants attention and sleeps around a lot (and isn’t classy about it - there’s stories about her hooking up with someone in weird places, e.g cars, and they look down on her for it). they think she’s the villain in a lot of drama, that she’s usually the one in the wrong. they can admire how she is resilient and some women especially think it's cool it seems she won't let men treat her badly.
how male idols view somi overall:
she’s definitely known for drama, a crazy “ex” sort of reputation - this is how a lot of men see her even if they haven’t personally dated or slept with her. they think she’s loud and inappropriate, even to the extent where they want to roll their eyes when she walks into the room and they joke about how much more peaceful it gets when she leaves - she is a try-hard and they pick up on it. at the same time, they don’t really hate her, they’re more indifferent. but they definitely make fun of her, it seems that every time her reputation gets a bit bad (as in something specific happens) she will do something to make it even worse - e.g she will be caught in some drama and the way she reacts on her private instagram or something is cringy and makes them laugh. some men think she’s a fun time but not someone to be serious with, and that she can make things uncomfortable if you’re around her for long periods. they think she is very mean and malicious (toxic). they think she enjoys pampering herself. they think she’s very emotional and falls in love easily - sometimes they wonder if she just wants drama and to be difficult.
how staff view somi overall:
it seems most staff currently have a positive opinion on somi, they think she has very good manners in the traditional sense where it’s sort of old-fashioned (in a good way as if her parents must have raised her well). stylists and make up artists may especially enjoy working with her since she's quite pleasant and seems to work with them and listen to them and isn’t rude about how she goes about addressing stuff she isn’t happy with (she tries her best to be tactful). they think she has no filter at times, but most of the time it’s a good thing because it makes the atmosphere more comfortable and somi seems more a friend than a scary celebrity they have to tiptoe around. they think she’s peaceful and they know what to expect when they work with her (staff that see her more regularly), that she isn’t going to switch up or get upset. they think she is charismatic. the worst seems to be she can be really demanding without realising, or just unrealistic in some ways - e.g. she can try and tell a makeup artist what she wants her make up to look like and the makeup artist is like, “you know i can’t just magically change your features, right?”. they think it’s very obvious she wants to be famous, that she both enjoys and places herself at the centre of attention - that she can even spend a lot of time talking about herself, her achievements and what she owns (though this doesn’t seem to irritate most staff in a serious way). they think she is a bit of loner in some ways and that she is also opinionated. they think she has a lot of drama going on, but that all celebrities seem to. they think she can be pretty western at times.
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strwberri-milk · 2 years
Note
Baizhu , enjou , zhongli and xiao (seperately ) witnessing reader get the same vision element as them? Fluff plz
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To say your vision came to you in an almost boring way as a severe understatement. Neither of you were doing anything particularly interesting, just organizing some of the new medicine Bazihu just ordered.
The quiet was interrupted by the faintest glowing light settling in between your hands as you read over the papers that came with the shipment. It took you both aback as Baizhu stepped over to observe what the soft thud of something was, eyes landing on the vision.
"Well, isn't this a surprise?" he asks lightly, almost seeming like some weird sort of a joke.
You reach out to touch it, the metal chilling your palms in a way that isn't necessarily uncomfortable. His words make you nod as you turn it over in your hands, hearing the smile in his voice.
"Dendro as well? I'll be sure to teach you how to use it effectively," he promises and you know you won't be let off easy.
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Enjou doesn't really care about the visions.
Sure, they're interesting and a lot of knowledge can be gleaned from them but he's not even sure he could be given one considering his background. Besides, he doesn't even really need it. After all, he already has his powers being an Abyssal creature so it wasn't like not having a vision hindered his work in any sense.
So when you run up to him showing him a pyro vision you got he just shrugs it off. It wasn't the coolest thing he's seen and, to be frank, he thought that there was probably something else out there that deserved his attention a little more.
However, the distinct glow of red caught his eye and he takes the vision from you, humming happily when he realises that you've gotten one of pyro.
"At least you got the most useful of the Archon's so-called blessing," he notes after returning it to you, coming up with some loose plans to see if you'd be willing to help him learn more about visions now that you've got one.
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Zhongli didn't think that seeing someone receive a vision in front of him would be that jarring an experience. He's witnessed it before after all but now that the two of you were looking at the Geo emblem between your fingers that suddenly appeared he feels a bit of excitement.
"Look Zhongli! It's Geo, like yours!" you show him excitedly, clearly happy with the result of your efforts.
Your brows furrow a bit as you begin to piece together a puzzle made up of a confusing sum of parts.
"Wait, if Morax is dead then how would he give me this vision? I thought Archons granted them. If they're dead then what happens?"
"I believe it's a common misconception that Archons personally grant all visions," he begins, ready to divulge with you some more of his limitless knowledge.
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XIAO blinks a little as you show off your newfound powers, clearly already very comfortable with the anemo vision that hangs proudly at your hip.
The two of you were lightly sparring, you telling Xiao he would no longer have too high of an upper hand on you now that you've acquired a new gadget. He didn't expect it to be a vision, not to mention that it matches his abilities.
He scoffs a little, crossing his arms as you show off in front of him. His eyes trace over your body, following your lines of movement while you zip to and fro. You're getting used to the feel of the power from your hands and he shakes his head, catching yet another mistake he didn't want to let you continue to make.
"Your vision is not just some toy. Come here. I'll show you how to use it properly."
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willowfolksong · 1 year
Text
are we falling like snow on the beach?
Iwaizumi Hajime x Reader
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"She's leaving tomorrow morning" he says, and Oikawa comes to a full stop, food halfway into his mouth. He stays like that for five full seconds, until Iwaizumi starts to get angry. "Eat the damn thing or don't, Stupidkawa. What the hell is wrong with you?"
Oikawa then clears his throat, lowering his fork and crossing his hands over his lap. He has the same look he always has when he's about to say something that will make Iwaizumi absolutely fume, and so the former ace stops eating too, getting ready for whatever comes out of his friend's mouth.
"Huh" is all Oikawa says.
"Huh?"
"Yeah"
Iwaizumi sighs, and he has to pinch the bridge of his nose to stop the incoming headache.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Oh, you know..." Oikawa says, looking down at his plate "It's just that I think is so funny. And painful. But mostly funny. You being this dense for almost fifteen years now is hilarious, but I don't know how long can this keep going"
"Who the hell is dense?"
"It's you" Oikawa deadpans, and then his gaze moves to him and Iwaizumi feels a chill run down his back "You've been in love with the same woman for twelve years and you still don't have the courage to tell her"
His words feel like a punch in the throat that pushes Iwaizumi head first into the past.
...
He's fifteen the first time he sees you, and you're shy and don't talk too much, and he has to take the time to explain that Oikawa's an idiot, but also harmless, when your reaction to his friend's joke is to look utterly horrified.
But you smile at his apology.
And he thinks that's the moment he just knows.
Then it's his second year and you three are friends. You're not as close as Iwaizumi would like, but with his volleyball practices and matches and the things that you do in art club, at least you still find the time to hang out a lot. And he really wishes he could be good at drawing. And he tries—secretely first, then reluctantly with a very cheery and not helpful at all Oikawa as his practice partner—, but his hands are not meant for drawing lines and complicated patterns.
"That's alright, Hajime" you tell him, and he doesn't know if you notice the way you're caressing his fingers, but he will remember it for weeks "This hands are meant for spikes, not for doodles"
By the time third year rolls in, he knows that you were wrong. His hands have always been meant to hold yours. But life starts getting faster, and everything moves to quick for his liking, and graduation is around the corner and he's still not sure. Not sure if his feelings will be reciprocated, not sure if it's worth to sacrifice your friendship in the name of something he has been holding close to his chest for three years now.
Oikawa knows, by now. Sometimes he openly jokes about it. Other times, he just looks at Iwaizumi in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable.
"You should tell her now" he tells him, the last day day of school. Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, but his heart is beating so fast that he feels lightheaded "Before it's too late"
He doesn't tell you anything. He doesn't takes the leap. He stays, rooted in place, staring longingly at the abyss darkness.
And he remains there for the rest of his life. He catches up with you every Sunday. It's a tradition that starts when you go to college, and remains until you get a job in L.A, and you have that goodbye dinner where he ends up drinking too much, because what else is he supposed to do?
You have your share of boyfriends. He has one relationship that ends leaving everything in shambles, echoes of accusations that are too close to the truth still lingering in his ears even months after the disaster.
He doesn't try it again.
Oikawa still stares at him in that weird way in all of their video calls.
He still remembers the touch of your hand.
And he still doesn't takes the leap.
...
"And it would be okay if you didn't know" Oikawa continues, food growing cold on the table "I mean, not okay. But at least it would be understandable"
"Oikawa..."
"But you do know! You've known all this time that you love her and you still haven't said anything!"
"It's complicated, alright?" Iwaizumi yells, and Oikawa is genuinely startled by his reaction. He jumps in place and then frowns, and Iwaizumi doesn't know why he's getting upset. He's the one doing the pushing "I don't know how she feels. This isn't only about me"
A minute passes. Then two. Then Oikawa grips his fork again in a way that makes Iwaizumi think he's going to fling it at him.
"She came all the way from the States to wish you good luck in the Olympics" he says "Five thousand miles to wish you good luck in person"
"And?"
"Iwa-chan, are you stupid?"
...
He finds you at the beach because you told him you would be there. ("L.A has the best beaches" you had said, smiling "But the ones in Tokyo have my heart")
"It's too cold" he tells you as a greeting "You're going to get sick, and you have a flight tomorrow"
You look at him over your shoulder and pat the spot next to you "Come sit down with me"
He reluctantly does. You smile. He blushes, and thinks that he would jump in the freezing water if you told him too. The thought makes him pause, and take a peak at the dark abyss by his feet.
"I thought you were going to have dinner with Tooru and then we were going to see each other tomorrow morning"
"I ditched him"
"I'm not surprised" you laugh, bumping his shoulder. "Did he started talking about how Argentina will win in everything again?"
He's 27. He's 27 and about to have the biggest moment in his career. The woman he's loved all his life is siting right beside him, eyes curious and a frown starting to form on her face, because he still hasn't answered her question and it's been a whole minute now.
It's just that he's preparing to jump.
You'll be gone tomorrow, anyway.
Trying to repair your friendship will be easier by text. Less painful.
"Don't leave" it's the thing he says, however. And that's not what he was planning to say, not what Oikawa told him to say, but it is what it is and now you're looking at him as if he suddenly bursted into flames, so he has to keep going, feeling the wind on his back from the fall "Stay here"
"I have to get back to work, Hajime" you say, placing a hand on his shoulder that he quickly takes between his, not missing how the gesture makes you gasp.
"Yeah, well... you're the best one at your office. You deserve a vacation"
"But Hajime..."
"I need to invite you to a proper date and... and we need to celebrate, when our team wins" he gulps, and suddenly the fall feels a little more easier "I love you. I think I've loved you since we were in high school"
"You think?" you ask, and your voice is only a whisper that makes him look up from your hands holding yours, to realize that your eyes are glistening with tears.
"No, I don't think so. I'm sure of it"
"Then why now?"
He laughs, a strained sound that makes you laugh as well, and since you're both laughing, you don't even realize that snow has started to fall around you.
"Oikawa was being annoying about it"
"I know how that feels"
"You do?"
"He has been annoying me about it too. For a while now, actually" you say, smiling, and you furiously wipe the tears from your eyes and lean towards him, cheeks all flushed in a pretty shade of red "I love you too, Hajime. It's always been you"
And when he kisses you, he's happy to find that what awaited him at the bottom of the abyss, was a snowy beach.
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This work belongs to my Midnights: Sleepless stories 🕰️ collection, a series of reader insert fics based on the album Midnight, by Taylor Swift, with characters from Haikyuu, Tokyo Revengers and Blue Lock. ✨
You can still send an ask if there's any character you would like to see in any particular song ✨
Last: argumentative antithetical dream boy. Next: carnations you had thought were roses, that's us
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catgirl-catboy · 7 months
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I have some questions
When does “it’s just fiction” stop being a valid justification? We all know that “it’s just a joke” has its limits enough racist jokes and you are practically doing nothing different then that form an actual racist and are causing the same amount of harm. Same with fiction, ofcourse it’s not 1:1 but we do know fiction can have a strong influence on the real world and people.
How is “it’s just fiction and “it’s juts a joke” different in you opinion?
And when does “it’s just fiction” hits its limits?
Thank for taking your time to answer
I got a big smile when reading this ask, since I genuinely do love debating these things. Too much hate in discourse, not enough genuine debate. I feel like "when its just fiction" becomes a problem for ME vs when it becomes a problem for YOU vs when it becomes a problem for the GOVERNMENT is 3 completely different questions. I don't want the damn government, or the damn tumblr staff, or whichever authority, to have any say in what should or shouldn't be written about, simply because that power is so easy to abuse. I feel like the moment you allow censorship in any capacity, SOMEONE'S going to want to make it impossible to publish a negative opinion about them.
So that means I think it should be legal to publish whatever racist, sexist, bigoted content you want. Even if I disagree with it. Even if it makes me want to puke.
Even if I'd stop being friends with someone because they agree with the author.
Even if I'm a proshipper, I have personal lines that I'm NOT willing to cross. Some of these lines are based off my morality (for instance, I'd rather be caught dead before I give money to anyone that supports autism speaks), and some are based on my personal tastes and trauma. (not giving an example of those for obvious reasons.)
Its one thing that I feel a lot of antishippers don't get, that personal disgust doesn't always correlate to immorality. Sometimes it very much does, but I don't think that should be the default stance.
But I think that I, along with every other human being, should have the right to decide what counts as "too far" for myself. I don't want strangers doing it for me, and I don't want authority figures doing it for me, because they will invariably cater to their own interests. If people choose to read or write shit that makes them worse, thats on them.
So what counts as "too far" is really something you'll have to decide for yourself.
(Personally, I judge it on a "I know it when I see it" basis, and tend to exit out of a lot of stuff as a result. Sometimes you open a fanfic and their portrayals of queer characters, female characters, or just life in general. The reason? Most of the time I don't read fanfic to challenge my existing worldview and be uncomfortable. I read fanfic to be sad, or feel lonely.)
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carefulfears · 6 months
Note
ok but who was the worst : diana or phoebe
well i can’t speculate like…differing forms of abuse as far as what’s objectively “worse” so i’m not gonna speak on trying to categorize their relationships with mulder or anything like that but what i will say is like, just between us gals, i think phoebe greene was a fucking sadist. like, i just don’t get her at all. diana divorced mulder to go do eugenics, and catalogue female abductees, and like...she still makes more sense to me. i believe her when she says that she has her reasons. i believe her when she says that she loves mulder. (even scully understands this, counts on it in the end). phoebe didn't care about literally anything but watching him squirm, she did it in college: she'll cross state lines to do it now.
this is perhaps a bit of a tangent, but, just to discuss an outside perspective...scully didn't know, really, the full picture with diana. she knew that something was wrong, she knew diana was up to something, she had her doubts.
but in terms of mulder, she didn't...see it. she saw them holding hands. she didn't see the way he turned his whole body away and shook his head, when diana told him that she was impressed with him. the way he smiled to calmly defend her, when diana kept making comments about his partner.
she watched him leave her in a driveway, go get in diana's car. she didn't hear "i was given this assignment, fox, okay? hey, you and i started the x-files together. don't forget that."
she heard "scully, you're making this personal." and "scully, you're reaching." and "scully, i know her, you don't." she didn't know that he left to search diana's apartment top to bottom, didn't see the way he froze when diana kissed him.
(thinking about scully standing in front of diana and earnestly begging her to just think)
with phoebe, she saw it. she saw how uncomfortable he was when phoebe kissed him, or was in his office. the way phoebe leaned in to whisper: "she hates me."
she saw him pull his robe tighter when phoebe walked in, listened to a taste of what "classic phoebe greene" meant, experienced phoebe's idea of a joke.
and that's another difference between them: phoebe was so overt. diana was calculated, controlling. she had an image to maintain. phoebe would make out with married men outside their wife's house. phoebe fucked on graveyards.
mulder even jokes with her about their relationship ("oh, come on. don't tell me you left your sense of humor in oxford 10 years ago." / "no, actually. it's one of the few things you didn't drive a stake through.") (he would never ever say anything like that to diana)
and hints to the nature of their relationship with scully ("so she shows up here knowing the power that she has over you, and then she makes you walk through fire, is that it? / "phoebe is fire.")
he never even told scully that diana existed, she had to ask his friends: "i want you to tell me who diana fowley is."
so...i know that i'm giving off conflicting conclusions here, but that's because there isn't a conclusion. just between us gals, i think phoebe greene is a fucking sadist, and i understand diana and her motives a lot more. but also, we're comparing a college tryst with a years-long (for all intents and purposes) marriage. they're very different women, they had very different relationships, they served very different purposes narratively and in mulder's character.
but also...would there have been a diana without phoebe? would diana have been as effective as a character without the knowledge of what came before her? would phoebe be as relevant without knowing what happens next?
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