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#Ze'sPoetry
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Shutting down is easier than shutting up
I am skilled at biting tongue off at my words
Turn to lead
Watch it sink down
Dissolve in stomach acid of my indifference
I am made whole in the silence
To exist beyond perception
More quiet than a mouse
With my masquerade mask
Even i cannot tell where i end
And the marionette strings begin
Pull the thread
Watch the words
Tumble out my bloody mouth
But it won’t hurt
Porcelain feels nothing
Gild the cracks
I am made whole without the flesh
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I used to pray for the day you’d leave
Anticipate the dust settling from your endless storm
Uneasy peace i could navigate smoother than your open rebellion
Heaviness of your defiance that had paranoia rising in east and weapons sharp westward
Life would be easier with you gone.
I used to dread your time with me closing
Knowing eyes would be solely on me
Smothering that would constant
No one to stand guard at night or shift blame in daylight
Learning to watch my own back.
I camouflaged easier than you ever did
But you saw the damage we took clearly
Tense shoulders and drawn on smiles
I saw warpaint and victories in the mirror
But all you knew i was losing myself.
My paranoia rising in the east
But our weapons were taken
All we could do was surrender
But 18 years of surrender was my life
Not yours
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Does it not hurt you
how they look
at us
does it not scare you
to even risk a touch
Why can’t you see that
Times haven’t changed
60s or 20s
they still think we’re deranged
I don’t want this
oh but I need this
I don’t want The hate
the pain
the fear
I just want to love you
every year
and not just in June
when it’s polite
Love should be daily
not just at Pride
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Don’t date a singer they say
If you do anything wrong they will sell their pain you caused
Write the ballad detailing your failings and everyone will sing along.
Don’t date a writer they say
You will never be loved more than their characters.
If you do anything wrong they will name a character after you and all their fans will hate them.
All your worst attributes will be written in stone and killed off at the climax for the readers to cheer.
Don’t date a poet they say.
They will write you love poems that make you gag on the sweetness.
Any comment you make will be marked on a poem written in blood.
Good day and bad days tracked like a journal in their heart
They will ruin you
They all will
Date someone who can’t name their emotions they say
Who can’t process what you’ve done
Who can’t realize what you’re doing
Who will stay.
Why are you scared of the consequences?
Of retribution?
Of true poetic justice?
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Tell me
The bracelets remember you
As cold to the touch as you were
They carry the memories of pain
And heartbreak
And months of tears.
You can’t Tell me objects don’t carry memories.
Putting them on again sends a chill down my spine.
You can’t Tell me you’ve never put something on
for the first time in years
and felt sick.
It’s almost painful reliving it.
You can’t Tell me you didn’t feel hell rise a little higher
Boxes of items remember my pain
Clear as daylight.
It hurts when everything you own remembers
what you can’t bear to forget.
Tell me
How to live when I die
every day living in this godforsaken house
that won’t forget.
Please.
Tell me.
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I am forever locked in your orbit
Our veins now pump to the beat of your heart
I am yours.
But you were never mine
I could not presume to cage you
Never to clip your wax wings
For your flight is art I will never experience twice.
But now I am intrinsically connected
To your beauty
My art now written in your blood.
When I am left
When you soar and fall
I will not even be able
To touch the pen again
For my tears stain the page
And lock the book forever.
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Anger is so foreign to me
I sit
I stew
A blank page of emotion
A cold rage
A silent judge
Write my reactions so I please you
Shall I jump for your joy?
I celebrated my victory
Did it not please you?
Shall I never meet your expectations.
My joys never loud enough
My sorrows too noisy
My angers silent
My grief thunderous
Will I never react accordingly
Who set the standard for soul
Why is mine failing
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That i have nothing to say at all
Is it my fault?
i tied the pen to my heart
Is it fair that
The ink well dried up now
that your gone
Is it wrong of me
To hope and dream
i can live without you
But wanting to is a different book
That I can’t hope to read.
I’ve succumbed
the sunlit sky over
cloudless days
My bones crave the cold
I’ve allowed
These pages to lie empty
Leave my feelings unturned
Tempestuously
Who would have thought
Heartbroken poet
to have nothing to say at all
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I don’t blame you for getting out.
Captivity never looked right on you.
Ill fitted like a suit made for someone else
You needed room for yourself and all your trinkets
The bars didn’t leave room for you to make it your own
The zoo never let us personalize our cells
I saw you stalking in your cage at night
While i matched my barren walls
You smeared blood in rebellion your whole life
Swiping at your visitors who came to gawk at us
I saw you living for any punishment
Because at least you could stretch your legs
My legs never felt lived in like yours looked.
I was preened and primped and pampered but
Always looking towards the door
Running away was no option though
Your years of open defiance pushed me towards subtlety.
And as you ran
Tearing down tour guides to our trauma
I watched.
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You all forget us.
We see it.
We see it in your flying cars and rovers to Mars.
We see it in your pipelines and how you disregard life signs.
How can you innovate and yet forget who it’s for?
You push us to assimilate.
To embrace your change.
To reshape our lives.
You Persuade us to forgive your mistakes as you try to upgrade and escape.
You leave us
Abandoned on a wasteland you created for profit.
You forget us
As we no longer are apart of your future to build and sell.
You deem us unremarkable.
Unmarketable.
Our dreams and talents wasted as we are not builders of machines.
Nor laborers for your dreams.
You leave us nothing.
But we are writers
and poets
and teachers
and believers
and we have created more from less.
So you forget us.
You will remember soon.
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I am no more connected with my friends
than I am with the rings of Saturn
I feel them slipping through my hands
like starlight
through the cosmos
How did Pluto feel?
When forces beyond
tore off her status
and said she was less than the rest
When the galaxy is in charge
how am I supposed to know who I am
Knowing I am losing my
identity in a matter of minutes
I wrap myself in the Milky Way.
To be calmed by the void
The future written in stars I can’t read
But I don’t need to.
The nebula knows less than I do.
The black hole consuming my brain grips me tighter than my loved ones ever did
This is peace
This is chaos incarnate
And I?
I am sleeping in between constellations
Icarus was right
To fly high.
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How do you fill an empty heart
It is not broken or shattered
The integrity is in tact
It works
It is just
Empty
Population zero
But the buildings are there
I have been waiting for move-in-day
For millennia
Why has no one arrived.
I fill it with hopes and dreams
Obsessions one after the other
But they never stay long
Quicksanding out of my heart
Back into my head
The cities hate each other
Diverged in a yellow wood
House divided
History dictates animosity
Equilibrium unattainable
I am never at peace with the systems
Head full and heart empty.
How do you fill a broken heart?
I’m waiting.
And waiting
Waiting is all I know anymore
I fill it with interests that leave
And dreams that are crushed under
The weight of the world
Nothing stays
I kill all that I try to love
And now my atmosphere is toxic
What do I have left to offer
A wasteland of a heart
Waiting for more to hurt.
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I crave the warmth of denial
The emptiness of losing no sleep
Over things not said
The comfort those brought
I miss.
The sharp pain of the truth
Is no better blanket to my cracked heart
Than the salt of wisdom
Strangers came to pour me
Information shared brazenly
My innocence to the world stolen
In an instant
In a classroom
Over text
Without thought of my pain
Only understanding of the knife
Lodged into me
Unnoticed
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It’s raining somewhere else.
Another time, calm sets over you.
Peace within. Peace without.
It’s raining somewhere else.
A fire dances.
People laugh.
You feel loved. Whole. Happy.
It’s raining somewhere else.
No fear for miles.
No reason to.
Another place perhaps but.
It’s raining somewhere else.
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A girl spoke on autistic children for a pageant I worked at. Her speech perpetuated the harmful rhetoric that autistic people are dangerous all her evidence came from the fact her grandma worked with special needs kids. It was disconnected from the situation but as people cheered for her speech I wrote this poem
We get empty promises
From empty hands
You wear your support like a costume
to a performance we will not watch
Your lines memorized
Your heart hollow
We are an aesthetic for your photos
“Poor normal child takes retard to prom”
Have you won their pity yet?
You won’t get it from me.
You love that I play normal
But you can’t use me for photos
Wont get shares out of me.
Your support ends when my
Autism Speaks
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Could you still love me?
If I made it right
Could you forgive me?
Put the past in the past
I swear I’m trying.
Could we try again?
If I was better
Not as sharp
Not as stern
Could you forget.
How I hurt you.
How I’m still.
I could love you
If I forgot.
If I had trust
That we’d make it like we thought.
Do you remember?
All the promises we made
About the future.
You would kiss me and we’d pray
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