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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 2 years

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Shutting down is easier than shutting up

I am skilled at biting tongue off at my words

Turn to lead

Watch it sink down

Dissolve in stomach acid of my indifference

I am made whole in the silence

To exist beyond perception

More quiet than a mouse

With my masquerade mask

Even i cannot tell where i end

And the marionette strings begin

Pull the thread

Watch the words

Tumble out my bloody mouth

But it won’t hurt

Porcelain feels nothing

Gild the cracks

I am made whole without the flesh

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 2 years

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I used to pray for the day you’d leave

Anticipate the dust settling from your endless storm

Uneasy peace i could navigate smoother than your open rebellion

Heaviness of your defiance that had paranoia rising in east and weapons sharp westward

Life would be easier with you gone.

I used to dread your time with me closing

Knowing eyes would be solely on me

Smothering that would constant

No one to stand guard at night or shift blame in daylight

Learning to watch my own back.

I camouflaged easier than you ever did

But you saw the damage we took clearly

Tense shoulders and drawn on smiles

I saw warpaint and victories in the mirror

But all you knew i was losing myself.

My paranoia rising in the east

But our weapons were taken

All we could do was surrender

But 18 years of surrender was my life

Not yours

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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Does it not hurt you

how they look

at us

does it not scare you

to even risk a touch

Why can’t you see that

Times haven’t changed

60s or 20s

they still think we’re deranged

I don’t want this

oh but I need this

I don’t want The hate

the pain

the fear

I just want to love you

every year

and not just in June

when it’s polite

Love should be daily

not just at Pride

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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Don’t date a singer they say

If you do anything wrong they will sell their pain you caused

Write the ballad detailing your failings and everyone will sing along.

Don’t date a writer they say

You will never be loved more than their characters.

If you do anything wrong they will name a character after you and all their fans will hate them.

All your worst attributes will be written in stone and killed off at the climax for the readers to cheer.

Don’t date a poet they say.

They will write you love poems that make you gag on the sweetness.

Any comment you make will be marked on a poem written in blood.

Good day and bad days tracked like a journal in their heart

They will ruin you

They all will

Date someone who can’t name their emotions they say

Who can’t process what you’ve done

Who can’t realize what you’re doing

Who will stay.

Why are you scared of the consequences?

Of retribution?

Of true poetic justice?

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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Tell me

The bracelets remember you

As cold to the touch as you were

They carry the memories of pain

And heartbreak

And months of tears.

You can’t Tell me objects don’t carry memories.

Putting them on again sends a chill down my spine.

You can’t Tell me you’ve never put something on

for the first time in years

and felt sick.

It’s almost painful reliving it.

You can’t Tell me you didn’t feel hell rise a little higher

Boxes of items remember my pain

Clear as daylight.

It hurts when everything you own remembers

what you can’t bear to forget.

Tell me

How to live when I die

every day living in this godforsaken house

that won’t forget.

Please.

Tell me.

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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I am forever locked in your orbit

Our veins now pump to the beat of your heart

I am yours.

But you were never mine

I could not presume to cage you

Never to clip your wax wings

For your flight is art I will never experience twice.

But now I am intrinsically connected

To your beauty

My art now written in your blood.

When I am left

When you soar and fall

I will not even be able

To touch the pen again

For my tears stain the page

And lock the book forever.

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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Anger is so foreign to me

I sit

I stew

A blank page of emotion

A cold rage

A silent judge

Write my reactions so I please you

Shall I jump for your joy?

I celebrated my victory

Did it not please you?

Shall I never meet your expectations.

My joys never loud enough

My sorrows too noisy

My angers silent

My grief thunderous

Will I never react accordingly

Who set the standard for soul

Why is mine failing

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 2 years

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That i have nothing to say at all

Is it my fault?

i tied the pen to my heart

Is it fair that

The ink well dried up now

that your gone

Is it wrong of me

To hope and dream

i can live without you

But wanting to is a different book

That I can’t hope to read.

I’ve succumbed

the sunlit sky over

cloudless days

My bones crave the cold

I’ve allowed

These pages to lie empty

Leave my feelings unturned

Tempestuously

Who would have thought

Heartbroken poet

to have nothing to say at all

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 2 years

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I don’t blame you for getting out.

Captivity never looked right on you.

Ill fitted like a suit made for someone else

You needed room for yourself and all your trinkets

The bars didn’t leave room for you to make it your own

The zoo never let us personalize our cells

I saw you stalking in your cage at night

While i matched my barren walls

You smeared blood in rebellion your whole life

Swiping at your visitors who came to gawk at us

I saw you living for any punishment

Because at least you could stretch your legs

My legs never felt lived in like yours looked.

I was preened and primped and pampered but

Always looking towards the door

Running away was no option though

Your years of open defiance pushed me towards subtlety.

And as you ran

Tearing down tour guides to our trauma

I watched.

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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You all forget us.

We see it.

We see it in your flying cars and rovers to Mars.

We see it in your pipelines and how you disregard life signs.

How can you innovate and yet forget who it’s for?

You push us to assimilate.

To embrace your change.

To reshape our lives.

You Persuade us to forgive your mistakes as you try to upgrade and escape.

You leave us

Abandoned on a wasteland you created for profit.

You forget us

As we no longer are apart of your future to build and sell.

You deem us unremarkable.

Unmarketable.

Our dreams and talents wasted as we are not builders of machines.

Nor laborers for your dreams.

You leave us nothing.

But we are writers

and poets

and teachers

and believers

and we have created more from less.

So you forget us.

You will remember soon.

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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I am no more connected with my friends

than I am with the rings of Saturn

I feel them slipping through my hands

like starlight

through the cosmos

How did Pluto feel?

When forces beyond

tore off her status

and said she was less than the rest

When the galaxy is in charge

how am I supposed to know who I am

Knowing I am losing my

identity in a matter of minutes

I wrap myself in the Milky Way.

To be calmed by the void

The future written in stars I can’t read

But I don’t need to.

The nebula knows less than I do.

The black hole consuming my brain grips me tighter than my loved ones ever did

This is peace

This is chaos incarnate

And I?

I am sleeping in between constellations

Icarus was right

To fly high.

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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How do you fill an empty heart

It is not broken or shattered

The integrity is in tact

It works

It is just

Empty

Population zero

But the buildings are there

I have been waiting for move-in-day

For millennia

Why has no one arrived.

I fill it with hopes and dreams

Obsessions one after the other

But they never stay long

Quicksanding out of my heart

Back into my head

The cities hate each other

Diverged in a yellow wood

House divided

History dictates animosity

Equilibrium unattainable

I am never at peace with the systems

Head full and heart empty.

How do you fill a broken heart?

I’m waiting.

And waiting

Waiting is all I know anymore

I fill it with interests that leave

And dreams that are crushed under

The weight of the world

Nothing stays

I kill all that I try to love

And now my atmosphere is toxic

What do I have left to offer

A wasteland of a heart

Waiting for more to hurt.

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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I crave the warmth of denial

The emptiness of losing no sleep

Over things not said

The comfort those brought

I miss.

The sharp pain of the truth

Is no better blanket to my cracked heart

Than the salt of wisdom

Strangers came to pour me

Information shared brazenly

My innocence to the world stolen

In an instant

In a classroom

Over text

Without thought of my pain

Only understanding of the knife

Lodged into me

Unnoticed

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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It’s raining somewhere else.

Another time, calm sets over you.

Peace within. Peace without.

It’s raining somewhere else.

A fire dances.

People laugh.

You feel loved. Whole. Happy.

It’s raining somewhere else.

No fear for miles.

No reason to.

Another place perhaps but.

It’s raining somewhere else.

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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A girl spoke on autistic children for a pageant I worked at. Her speech perpetuated the harmful rhetoric that autistic people are dangerous all her evidence came from the fact her grandma worked with special needs kids. It was disconnected from the situation but as people cheered for her speech I wrote this poem

We get empty promises

From empty hands

You wear your support like a costume

to a performance we will not watch

Your lines memorized

Your heart hollow

We are an aesthetic for your photos

“Poor normal child takes retard to prom”

Have you won their pity yet?

You won’t get it from me.

You love that I play normal

But you can’t use me for photos

Wont get shares out of me.

Your support ends when my

Autism Speaks

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ze-thoughts-are-stupid · 3 years

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Could you still love me?

If I made it right

Could you forgive me?

Put the past in the past

I swear I’m trying.

Could we try again?

If I was better

Not as sharp

Not as stern

Could you forget.

How I hurt you.

How I’m still.

I could love you

If I forgot.

If I had trust

That we’d make it like we thought.

Do you remember?

All the promises we made

About the future.

You would kiss me and we’d pray

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