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weyounthevorta · 5 months

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For @femalehumanoid, who hoped I would write dating profiles for Harriman Gray and the Captain. Here you are my dear. Your wish is my command.

The rest of the Combs characters have had their profiles beefed up a bit as well, with my own spicy take on what it’d be like to be in a relationship with them, and what their ideal date looks like.

Fair warning, some of the descriptions below may be a bit nsfw!

Thy’lek Shran (Star Trek Enterprise)

Pros: Strong sense of justice, good at what he does, sexy, energetic. He’ll fight for what’s right and he’ll protect you with his life. He has a soft side and he’s not afraid to show it.‬

Cons: Hotheaded, a bit rash.

A relationship with him means you’re in it for the long haul. If Shran gets emotionally invested in you, he’s thinking of you as a potential long term mate and possibly as marriage material. He’s a physical being, so he’d be disappointed if there wasn’t a very strong sexual attraction between the two of you.

His idea of a good date involves a good workout. He’s taking you rock climbing, to the gym to be his sparring partner, or to a firing range. You’ll get a good deal of aggression out during the first round of physical activity, and an even greater amount of passion out during the next round. If the date doesn’t end with the two of you naked, drenched in sweat, and fighting to catch your breath on the floor of his quarters, he considers there to be room for improvement.

Anton Mordrid (Doctor Mordrid)

Pros: Fights evil, lives a quiet life. Financially stable. Has a romantic streak. Is an all around sweet guy who will bring you breakfast in bed and read to you. He teaches you wizardry.

Cons: Absolutely tragic sense of style. He may need to leave on interdimentional missions on short notice.

A relationship with him would provide stability and a quiet comfort that few can boast. He’s got boundless knowledge to share with you on countless subjects, and if you love to learn, you’ll love having such a patient, enthusiastic teacher. His favorite part of the day is slipping from his street clothes into his comfies, settling in with hot coffee and a book, and reading to you in his deliciously soft voice. Every time you two retire to the bedroom, you rediscover another subject he has seemingly unlimited knowledge in. He never fails to bring you to completion, stroking your back and murmuring praise as you come down from your peak.

His idea of a good date is a night in with a warm beverage and stimulating conversation. He’s a bit old fashioned, so he doesn’t get intimate until the two of you commit to being exclusive. In the mean time, he’s happy to conclude a date with a sensual over the clothes massage and a steamy makeout session.

Chaz (Dead Man Walking)

Pros: Is objectively very cute. He’d risk his life for yours without question. He works past his fear to achieve his goals. No doubt a snuggler big on showing affection.

Cons: Is a bit whiney, possibly has the plague. Tragic taste in nicknames.

A relationship with him means he has your back, no matter what. He’s the first to come to your defense, the first to jump in when you need help, and he’ll walk through fire to make sure you’re alright. He may complain on the surface, but deep down he’s proud to be needed. He’s small and fragile, so he’d be happiest if you reciprocated, coming to his defense when he needs it, and offering protection when he’s scared or feeling vulnerable.

His idea of a good date is hanging out somewhere clean and safe. He prefers it if you’d come over to his humble lodging and play a board game, play cards, or listen to music together with a glass of wine. He’ll happily have sex with you if you’re the one to initiate it. He thoroughly enjoys it when his partner tops, preferring to be entirely submissive in bed.

Crawford Tillinghast (From Beyond)

Pros: Brilliant scientist and inventor. Submissive and sweet. Romance with him would be chaste and old fashioned. He’d do his best to keep you safe. Cute little guy in a big sweater.

Cons: Sexually repressed. A bad luck magnet. Despite his best efforts, trouble finds him.

A relationship with him would be sweet and oh so charming. He’d show up on your doorstep, holding a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine, and would be content to snuggle on the sofa under a cozy blanket, watching a movie. He’d look at you with his big green eyes, delighted to hear stories about your day, thrilled to tell you all about what he’s working on. Every time the two of you make love, it’s slow and sensual, him looking at you in awe, enraptured and in love. He’s a sexual novice, but his sweet naïveté has an allure you can’t deny.

His idea of a good date is the kind of corny romance you typically see in movies. Carriage rides through the park. Moonlit walks on the beach. Getting serenaded by the violinist at an Italian restaurant. But the way his face softens when you’re happy, the way he lights up when you’re excited, the way he looks at you like you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, make these dates magical. More than the activities do.

Harriman Gray (Babylon 5, S01E17)

Pros: He’s honorable, ambitious, and gorgeous. He has a wholesome sense of humor. He can use his telepathic abilities to his advantage in bed. He’ll hear your mind when you enjoy something he does, making him the best lover you could imagine.

Cons: He’s on the timid side, which allows stronger personalities to railroad his. He’s not always the most tactful. He tries his best not to invade your privacy with his telepathy but he slips sometimes, opening the door for awkward discoveries.

A relationship with him would require patience, but would be well worth it. He travels a lot for work. When you do see him, he’s very affectionate. He wants to spend all day with you under the warm bedcovers stroking your hair, tangling your limbs together, and sharing stories about your respective days.

His idea of a good date is a romantic candlelight dinner followed up with hours of mind blowing sex, after which you both collapse bonelessly into sleep. The date concludes with him waking you up with breakfast in bed, his hair combed back, in full uniform, carrying your tray, which he’s decorated with a single rose. He leaves you for work with a kiss and a promise to see you again soon.

Andrew Paris (Phantom Empire)

Pros: Strong sex appeal. Wears the tightest pants in existence. He wouldn’t object to spontaneous adventures. He’s impulsive and quirky.

Cons: Anyone who flirts with him is a legit threat. He’s a slutty little strumpet. He’s not secure enough to think anyone would like him for his mind.

A relationship with him would be focused heavily on physical exploration. He’s aware that he’s charismatic and magnetic, and he’s aware that he’s attractive. Part of him wonders if you just want a pretty boy toy, and he’s equal parts happy to fulfill that role and disappointed that people don’t often see the potential for more in him, given he’s an egg head, studying archeology at Miskatonic University.

His idea of a good date is finding a fun bar to check out. Dive bars, sports bars, tiki bars, and local watering holes wherever he travels all amuse him, and he wants to explore them with you. He’d love to end the date with playful, enthusiastic, energetic sex. He has boundless stamina, and wants you desperate for more of what he has to offer in that department.

Bill Knight (Felony)

Pros: Handsome, charismatic crime fighter. Eager to hop in bed with you if you show a smidgeon of kindness toward him. He whimpers very prettily. He’s quick and agile.

Cons: He is a total hazard. You’re in the line of fire if you hang with him. He may break into your house. He’s flown through an absurd number of windows.

A relationship with him would be interesting. He’s persistent. He gets a trifle obsessive about getting what he wants, and what he wants from you is entirely unclear. He may push you outside your comfort zone frequently. Whether that be recruiting you to help him with an FBI case or the fact that you’re only dating because he broke into your house looking for a place to hide and you didn’t have the heart to kick him out.

His idea of a good date may be unconventional or unexpected. He may want to stay in and make love in front of a roaring fire, or he may be in the mood to get beers and chicken wings at the local strip club. The more adventure you’re down with, the more he’ll indulge in with you.

D-Day (Fortress)

Pros: Adorable, good with machines. There’s kindness in him. He will risk his life for his friends. He’s a little guy with a big heart.

Cons: He is easily led into dangerous situations. He needs a dentist. Hes in jail.

A relationship with him, while he’s in prison, would consist of letter writing and conjugal visits. He’d write to you like he’s writing diary entries. He’d tell you about his plans, his dreams, his fears, and his fantasies. He’d look for the mail cart every day, wide eyed and hopeful, and his heart would swell when he finally receives one in return from you. He’d read your letters over and over, imagining he could smell you on the paper. When you came for your bi-annual visits, he’d be so excited he’d be shaking like a leaf, stealing glances up at you shyly. When you were intimate, you’d always marvel afresh at how beautiful his eyes are when you gently remove his glasses from his face. He’d take his time gently and tentatively worshiping every inch of you as you made love. Big, wet tears would stream down his face and heart-rending, whimpering sobs would make his small chest heave as you left him behind again in Fortress prison.

His idea of a good date is heartbreaking in its simplicity. When he gets out of prison, he wants to take you on a real date. Dinner and a movie. He wants to walk you to your door at the end of the evening and, if you want to, kiss each other goodbye.

Weyoun (Star Trek Deep Space 9)

Pros: Ethereal. Obscenely sexy. Knows what he wants and how to get it. If he chooses to be devoted to you, he’ll be loyal unto death. Loves to have fun, loves to explore new things, and loves to tease. Kinky.

Cons: Religious nut. Can’t appreciate art, food, and many simple pleasures. Manipulative.

A relationship with him would likely be largely secret. He wouldn’t want you seen as a vulnerability or weakness. He also wouldn’t want to give the Founders the impression that he wasn’t focused enough on his work. You’d have clandestine meetings. Hurried make out sessions in dark, quiet places. Impromptu, fully clothed, frantic sex against a wall in a quiet corridor. Fingers meeting and intertwining under a conference table. If you’re not careful, you can become his obsession, and he may have a crisis of conscience if he believes he’s worshiping you more than he worships the Founders.

His idea of a good date is sharing a love of play. He adores games, and loves making jokes at people’s expense. He may take you to try a food you’ve both never sampled before, so you can enjoy discovering the new textures and new tastes respectively, followed by gaming tables and some good people watching.

John Reilly (Castle Freak)

Pros: Handsome DILF. He wants to improve his life. Repentant of his sins, affectionate.

Cons: Touch starved, desperate, directionless, alcoholic, and when he falls off the wagon he falls all the way off. He also comes from a family of lunatics so there’s that.

A relationship with him, if you’re lucky, is during a sober period. If it is, you can expect plenty of quiet evenings at home. Him reading a book or grading term papers while you busy yourself with your own tasks or hobbies. You may go to a play on a Friday night that the drama department is showing. You’d go to bed together, have enthusiastic but unimaginative sex, and spoon each other to sleep.

His idea of a good date would be dinner at a favorite restaurant. He needs your support staying away from the drink menu. It’s a great date if it ends in a makeout session during your after dinner walk, you wearing his tweed jacket over your shoulders, and him holding your hand.

James Wilkins (Hunter S07E13)

Pros: Sensual as fuck. He can’t keep his hands off you. Life with him would be a roller coaster ride of sex and danger. He’s the sexiest kind of bad boy. Think tattoos, leather, fast cars, and adrenaline.

Cons: He’s a thief and a murderer. He’s not interested in redemption or in getting his act together. He’s attracted to women more dangerous than he is.

A relationship with him would be mercurial. He’d darken your door and you’d be swept off your feet by his charms, swept up into his latest scheme, and swept into bed. Then when he leaves you can go long stretches without hearing from him. Left to your own devices indefinitely, waiting for him to roar back up your driveway in his black convertible like a summer cyclone.

His idea of a good date would be a trip to a race track or casino. He’d want you both to dress in your finest and act like high rollers for an evening. Gambling, drinking, winning, losing, and topping off the evening with plenty of energetic and inventive sex.

Captain (Spoiler)

Pros: If you’re a masochist, the Captain is the man for you. Sexy and dominant, the Captain will happily tie you down and mercilessly overstimulate you until you’re a mewling puddle.

Cons: Sadistic, obsessive, controlling, and aggressive. He enjoys intimidating his object of focus, and wouldn’t be above getting off on keeping you constantly on your toes.

A relationship with him would be like navigating very treacherous waters. One minute he’s running a gloved hand down your face and calling you his good little pet, the next he’s viciously backhanding you for any number of perceived grievances. You wouldn’t know whether he loved you or merely tolerated you.

His idea of a good date would be to take you to a dark, smoky jazz club. He’d sip a whisky neat, smoke a cigarette, and give you a smoldering gaze across the table as you talked. He’d want to dance with you, his body pressed as close to yours as possible, enjoying the sultry music as he moves seductively against you. The date would conclude sweaty and breathless after he’d given you a dizzying sample of his BDSM proclivities, his strong hands threaded through your hair in an iron grip as he asks you if you liked it, and if you’d like to experience more.

Milton Dammers (The Frighteners)

Pros: Once upon a time he was probably a sweet guy. He wants to rid the world of evil so desperately that he’s sacrificed his own sanity to do it.

Cons: He’s a broken man. He’s completely lost his grip on reality. He’s scarred, scared, troubled, and no you can’t fix him.

A relationship with him would be challenging. He has a lot of deprogramming he needs to complete before it could be a safe partnership for either of you. You’d be tasked with being his unofficial therapist, a shoulder to sob into, and you would need to be merciful and patient as you gently work him past his nonsensical ramblings and bouts of paranoia. If he’s ever intimate with you, it means he’s reached a point in your relationship where he trusts you implicitly. If that trust is ever broken in the smallest degree in any way, you’ll never regain it.

His idea of a good date would be quiet. He’d take you to a rooftop to stand at the edge, observing the city and the stars side by side. There’d be no physical contact. He may or may not share why he’d rather not hold hands. He’d be happy if you’d just consent to be there with him and help his mind find peace.

Herbert West (Reanimator)

Pros: Definitely handsome. On some level he wants to do something great for humankind. He’s capable of affection in his own bizzare way. Life with him would certainly never be dull. Despite his abrasiveness he’s got an undeniable magnetism.

Cons: Morals? Never heard of ‘em. Healthy boundaries are a non starter. His definition of intimacy likely won’t be aligned with yours. He will latch onto you like the codependent, murderous, evil little gremlin he is until one or both of you is dead or in jail.

A relationship with him, to an outside observer, may not look like a relationship at all. Unless of course the observer looked very closely and had a good benchmark for how he treats everyone else. They may spy him gripping your arm or reaching for you when he’s nervous or frightened. They’d perhaps notice him wanting to involve you in parts of his life he turns other people away from. They may notice that he lives with you, if he ever ventures out of your basement. But there would be no dates as folks commonly think of them, and there would be no observable PDA.

His idea of a good date would be an entire evening, well into the wee hours, working by your side. Few words may be spoken, mostly notes said aloud by him to be jotted down by you. But this is his happy place. Doing what he loves with someone he trusts. And he’d never say it aloud, but he wants you there with him, and he wants you to want to be there with him too.

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