#This song is how I feel everyday bc everyday I am suicidal and on the edge of my death by my own hands.

[kpophubb]

Morning baby 💗 💌

I hope you slept well? :) I have my training in 20 min , but I really want to write to you 💗❤️‍🩹❤️

First of all you haven’t offered me in any ways, I’m sorry that you felt that way or maybe the way I wrote was quite triggering 🥹 but you are fine , MORE THAN FINE ACTUALLY. I just read your response and literally im so happy if I actually received a real hug from u🌞🙈💖

Thank you for your understanding and efforts and just the love you put in your messages, it is really really precious to me 🥹❤️

I actually wish I could train myself to control these feelings and the need of affirmation from others. Life really doesn’t make sense for me anymore. I want to give up , but these 2 months I feel like I grew stronger and there is still something holding me back , maybe I’m afraid of dying idk . ., but im tired of living you know ? It’s so exhausting and pointless

thank you for being my safe place now , being the person I can trust and open up , I don’t want to change for the worse … and tbh I just exist doing tasks on a daily basis , thank you for being open and accepting… literally 😭🥹🥹 AHHH OMG I FEEL MY EYES GEETING WATERY NOOO🙈🙈🤧

You are very good person , amazing and I hope you will have SOOOO MANY GOOD EXPERIENCES:) also I hope my emotions and things I share aren’t influencing your day / mood 🥺🥺🥺🥺

I’ll add bebe songs to our playlists :)) I love first 2 , I’m not sure if I have heard 3rd one

About book yes def :) ahowww me when u get them :))

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH 🥺❤️

What are your plans for today ? Have the most wonderful day 🏞🏞🏞

~ 🐁 :)

My 🐁 anonie ~☺️💗 noooo omg I’m not even offended in the slightest so dw!!! Your emotions and rants really DO NOT affect my mood at all. Yk the reason I chose my occupation and major of medicine? It’s bc I always wanted to grow up to be kind and help people around me. I feel valid about myself when I can make others feel comforted and smile so I LOVE getting your messages and lifting u up!💖 and about being exhausted and feeling like giving up on life, I mean don’t even think it’s coming from someone really positive minded and full of happiness, but it’s coming from someone who comes from a place of being suicidal and hopeless in life too. There was once a point in my life where I just existed, cried myself to sleep everyday, and would indulge in self harm cause I hated myself and hated life. I didn’t want to live cause I felt like nothing good could come out of it. Back then, if someone told me that things are gonna get better one day and I’ll be really happy in the future, I would’ve never believed them. Heck, I’d feel like they’re all lying cz my life was so messed up I didn’t even believe I could wake up to a tomorrow where I could be at peace or smile even if it’s for a second. But after constant fighting and hanging on for 2-3 years, I came where I did today. Where I’m happy, smiling, ambitious again and thankful for all the bad things that I went through bc they made me stronger and brought me to where I am today. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” That’s the truth. I’m sure you will see your rainbow soon just hang in there. By saying hanging in there I mean cry, feel sad, fall down, get tired, doubt yourself but crawl back up again with the remaining of your strength. And never feel like there’s no hope cause there will ALWAYS be hope no matter how ugly situation you’re faced with. Maybe not now, maybe not soon, but someday you will DEFINITELY be happy and look back and be grateful for enduring it all. 💓

And aww 🥺 idk if I’m a good person yet but I try to be and improve myself everyday. Baby steps towards my dream person slowly!💖 and I’m glad I can make you feel safe. There’s nth more reassuring than having someone who listens to everything you gotta say without judging you and understanding you, ik. As for what I’m gonna do today, aaah idk yet. 😩 probs gonna just lie down and eat a lot. Bc my books haven’t arrived yet and and I bought a new makeup palette a few days ago?🤣 I just wanna try it out even tho I’m not that much into makeup. I barely wear it! And IM EXCITED BC MY SKZ ALBUM IS OTW and I wanna order manifesto:day 1 enhypen albums!! I saved money for that 🥹 but the kpop store isn’t replying to my msgs yet and I’m so impatient.🥲 I love youuuu saurr much too (says it in jakey’s aussie accent) and have a great day❤️🥰 DID YOU KNOW BEBE REXHA DID A REMIX W ITZY??????!! THAT TOO OF ONE OF MY FAV SONGS OF HERS ITS GONNA BE RELEASED TMRW IM SHAKING IM SO EXCITEDD!!!😭😭😭😭I’m in a really good mood today bc my jakey is all recovered from covid! Man, I prayed for my love so so much and I couldn’t be more grateful to god that he’s healthy and active again!💗💗🤲🏻

#mia’s asks #🐁 anonie #❤️💖🤗🥰 #cat pics always cz I LOVEE cats 🥰 #and you seem to be cute like one

[2small-frog]

"last words (of a shooting star)"

(a/n: hi. u m so . this is quite heavy. i had to cut a verse of the song out bc i Physically Couldn't write it i apologize . this was sort of just my brain going "what if caelum didn't make it to the freelancer in time?" anyways pls pls do not read this if it's not something you can handle rn!! please be safe i love u)

character(s): freelancer

cw: !!! suicidal thoughts and suicide !!!, descriptions of toxic relationships, family issues, abandonment, just all around bad feelings. this does not have a good ending if you could not tell

all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted, apologies from the intercom

and i am relieved that i'd left my room tidy, they'll think of me kindly when they come for my things

they could've never guessed things would turn out like this.

they never asked for things to turn out like this, why would they? the cold, autumn breeze nipped at their cheeks as they looked down on the quiet streets, dimly lit by scattered lampposts. this high up, the air was much more chilling and crisp. under any other circumstances, it would have been refreshing after a long week. a break from the stuffiness of the city below. but not today.

they'd been alone for what felt like forever. a humanborn freelancer, just barely twenty years old, thrust into a world they barely knew. a world they would have to figure out alone. they had nobody by their side like they had planned; their parents being the ones to push them away, all of their closest friends abandoning them, saying their abilities were "too freaky" and they "didn't want to deal with it all". they didn't want to be around someone so different from them.

that's fine. they understood. the department probably wiped their memories of any magical powers, anyways. they wouldn't even remember.

they just wish they had someone. anyone. to make them feel less alone. to hold them and tell them that they would be okay.

they thought back to the last look at their barren room; books filed neatly into the shelves, stray pencils and pens organized into the small holder on their desk, clean clothes folded up at the foot of their bed. at least they had that going for them.

one less thing for whomever cleaned out their apartment to fuss over.

they'll never know how i'd stared at the dark in that room with no thoughts, like a blood-sniffing shark

and while my dreams made music in the night carefully i was going to live

it was so easy. so simple. just put on a smile, a facade of sorts, and let people believe that everything was just fine. like their world hadn't been crumbling for the past seven months.

nobody at their work had suspected a thing. all they cared about was the freelancer coming in to do their job everyday, and that they did it well. they made sure to smile real bright around people, enough so that their coworkers never noticed their bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks after their quick "bathroom breaks" during the day. or the soft trembling that has recently seemed to take over their entire body, almost as if their very core was shaking.

they never questioned the far away look in the freelancer's eyes whenever the rest of the employees would bring up plans with their family or friends. no questions were asked when they started getting quieter, talking less and less throughout their shifts.

even if they did notice, the freelancer wouldn't accept any help anyways. they didn't need to burden anyone else.

would they even bother to offer any help?

sometimes they would lay awake at night, hoping that someone would. that they'd reach a hand out to them, even if they refused to take it. sometimes knowing that someone would was enough to keep them afloat. to keep their head above water just enough.

you wouldn't leave till we loved in the morning you'd learned from movies how love ought to be

and you'd say you love me and look in my eyes but i know through mine, you were looking in yours

the only people they've had since this whole mess started were bad for them. well, bad was an understatement, really.

they'd used the freelancer for their (very limited) powers, for pleasure, cash and the like. they would take and take and take from them, but as soon as the freelancer asked for something in return, perhaps some comfort? a hug? words of encouragement? they were turned away without a second thought.

they would only be there for the good times or when the freelancer had something to give.

they would hear the phrase "i love you", but the words were hollow without any actions to back them up. when was the last time that anyone had meant those words for them? they couldn't recall.

at least those people had kept their magic a secret. or had they? it didn't really matter anymore.

they had cut the bad seeds out of their life a while ago. that was a good decision. those people had hurt them, they knew that. their behavior was exactly what the freelancer was told to stay away from their entire life.

but a part of them, the lonely and desperate part, the part that they'd tried so hard to keep quiet, would take them back in a heartbeat right about now; if only just for the cruel illusion of companionship.

i always wanted to die clean and pretty but i'd be too busy on working days

so i am relieved that the turbulence wasn't forecasted i couldn't have changed anyways

this wasn't ideal. none of this was.

they always dreamed of falling in love. living a long, fulfilling life with their partner and going peacefully, all fixed up in an expensive looking coffin. they imagined flowers adorning their headstone, placed their by loved ones who had come to grieve every so often. was that selfish of them?

selfish or not, it was unrealistic. they didn't have time for falling in love. they only had time for working double shifts, trying desperately to keep themself housed and fed.

but they wouldn't have to think about that anymore, would they?

they shakily smiled to themself.

i am relieved that i'd left my room tidy goodbye

they didn't bother writing a note. who would read it anyways?

a pair of worn sneakers on a rooftop and a darkened, barely lived-in apartment would be all that remained of the humanborn freelancer.

@the-phantoms-library @theodorebasmanov @planticusp @sunberrybush @myanettes @daviah @bug-likes-monsters

#mars.writes #redacted asmr #tw suicude #tw abandonment #tw toxic family #tw toxic people

[ahundredtimesover]

Omg comfort songs 🥺🥺

For me I have a few -

I know - RM & JK

It's like when it came out I rmbr balling my eyes out - they weren't that big then and there was so much hatred just everywhere (there still is now but the love also multiplied and spread and was shared too) and it's like these memories will become something that u can look back on fondly and you can rmbr "the love between us " the time spent loving bangtan , singing with them smiling with them creating memories with them.( know you love me - and I love you and that will always be there and thank you.)

It's a weird interpretation but whenever I hear it, it always makes me think that I'm so glad that I found bangtan. It's a song addressed to armys too which is why it always makes me so 😭😭

Magic shop !!

It really does just bring so much comfort just as it was intended.

"you’ll be alright oh here it is Magic Shop"

Makes me feel so warm and loved and okay. It's okay that were not always one hundred percent. It's okay that we cry. It's all just okay. One day - the pain of today wont hurt as much as it does right now. One day well have more things to smile about and laugh about. It's a song that makes me stop overthinking so much and just take a step back and just appreciate all that I do have as I oppose to what I dont. It's just 😭😭🤍💕

Their voices too

Paradise !

"It’s okay not to have a dream

as long as there are your moments to briefly feel happiness"

I feel that this is so important. No one really emphasises how important it is to be happy. Were not in a rat race, we can enjoy life and have and share with people moments of happiness.

The closest song to me by bangtan is butterfly though.

It really helped me out of a really really dark place. Tw : self harm / suicide

It was a time where I was so in tune with all the emotions of that song. The hurt the fragility. Kind of felt like it was addressed to me sort of (?) It brought me a lot of comfort. Idk I still find it really hard to listen to the song bc I'm not fully out of all that negativity but I'm at a much better place and its largely down to bts for teaching me to live for myself, love myself. To trust myself. I'm 1.5 years clean and I'm happier. I really really am

It's a journey that I'm so glad that I took and found in the boys - and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I really wish only the best for the boys - a happiness and comfort that is real and lasting. They deserve so much. So so much.

This was to long rip

I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY

Much love ♡

Hiii I’m so sorry it took a while for me to get to this wonderful message but before anything, please know that I’m immensely proud of you. Hanging on and choosing yourself everyday is so, so hard but such a brave thing to do so thank you, for sharing your story and allowing yourself to be this vulnerable. Sending you hugs for everything you went through 🤗

But also, I appreciate the background on I Know! It’s such a wonderful song and when they sang it live, it felt so emotional. That’s an insightful take and we can only guess that they felt that gratitude to ARMYs during that time. And I definitely agree with Magic Shop and Paradise. They give comfort in different ways, with the former being the warmest hug and the latter like that motivating cheer from your best friends that you need to remind you of what really matters.

And Butterfly, what an absolute beauty and honestly, my ultimate favorite BTS song. There’s just so much vulnerability (also one of my fave Joon verses and my fave Jimin runs) and you feel it in their voices, their performances. And now it gives me comfort that it gave you comfort! I’m happy for you, and I’m glad you found them when you did! I love how these songs just mean more bc they’re what we needed most at a time we felt so lost and alone.

I wish they know just how much they mean to us and what their words do to us. It is a journey, finding them, finding ourselves through them.. and how we continue to. Thank you for sharing and giving me more to think about! I hope you’re well and happy and I wish you good days and always 🥰🥰🥰

#ask #BTS comfort songs

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

#long post #hinatalks #we live in a society #fr fr #when i die....if god is real..i´ll end this once and for all. all of it #i am left with nothing but pain and anger.... i cant even feel anymore. i think i forgot how to

[floorbed]

pen playlist tiem. brain full of thoughts i think this is my longest playlist ever . lyrics and annotation and sections under the cut for funsies heh

home

me and my husband - mitski

and i am the idiot with a painted face / in the corner taking up space / but when he walks in i am loved / i am loved / me and my husband we’re doing better / it’s always been just him and me together / so i bet all i have on that furrowed brow / and at least in this lifetime we’re sticking together

turf war - momma

the kings and queens are on the court / they’re sitting pretty on the floor

this charming man - the smiths

a jumped up pantry boy / who never knew his place / he said return the ring / he knows so much about these things / he knows so much about these things

utopia - cowgirl clue

living in a great utopia is quite nice is quite nice / living in a great utopia you pay the price you pay the price / living in a great utopia roll the dice kiss goodbye / living the dream living the dream living the dream

bubblegum bitch - marina and the diamonds

got a figure like a pin up got a figure like a doll / don’t care if you think i’m dumb i don’t care at all / candy bear sweetie pie wanna be adored / i’m the girl you’d die for / i’ll chew you up and spit you out / cus that’s what young love is all about

…

oh dear diary, i met a boy

(do the) act like you never met me - tv girl

the hidden kisses / the clumsy conspiratory glance / but i don’t really mind it no / i always liked the way you danced

it will come back - hozier

don’t give it a hand / offer it a soul / honey make this easy / leave it to the land / this is what it knows / honey that’s how it sleeps / don’t let it in with no intention to keep it / jesus christ don’t be kind to it / honey don’t feed it it will come back

real men - mitski

little boys cry and look around for comfort and / always get what they want

song against sex - neutral milk hotel

and he said oh boy you are so pretty / enough to wrap tight in rice paper string / and when i finally kissed him / the whole world began to ring / lost like a bell that’s tipping over / with two cracks along both sides / and i knew the world was over / so i took a look outside

(running away before the trial and seeing the world for the first time vibes!)

exile, early party

april and the phantom - animal collective

i’m sorry april / but you’ll be fine till then / i’m the phantom / i’m the phantom / i’m the phantom

(Pens First Summoning Dot Mp3)

insects are all around us - money mark

(from pens very first introduction in session 1 when he was walking in the woods and was described like looking like a lil insect)

bug - alex g

and when you go there / you stay there / bug in the crosshair / you stay there

king of carrot flowers pt 2 & 3 - neutral milk hotel

i love you jesus christ / jesus christ i love you yes i do

you’ll miss me when i’m not around - grimes

if you don’t bleed then you don’t die / cross my heart and hope to fly / if you like it then you’ll make it out alive / if they could see me now / smiling six feet underground / i’ll tie my feet to rocks and drown / you’ll miss me when i’m not around

rich bitch juice (HANA remix) - alice longyu gao

don’t you dare talk to me / bitch

fool - moonbounce

you could’ve let me think im right / i could’ve tried to keep my cool / i could’ve followed my own rules / i could’ve used you like a tool / i could’ve played a fucking fool

isle

hooped earrings - the front bottoms 

and you have gotta do this now or you can never come home again / yeah you have gotta do this now or you can never come home again / and there are not so many options / there’s not so many ways that this could possibly end / so you have gotta do this now or you can never come home again

wicked boy - alex g 

real men walk / on the outside / on the outside / on the outside / and they take it for the team

black hair - alex g

it’s not what you are / it’s just what you did / don’t hang up the phone / i love you to death / eternal return / eternal return / eternal return / eternal return 

rabbit heart - florence & the machine

this is a gift it comes with a price / who is the lamb and who is the knife / when minas is king and he holds me so tight / and turns me to gold in the sunlight

oh ana - mother mother

i’ll fake god / i’ll fake god / i’ll fake god / i’ll fake god today / hop up on a cloud and watch the world decay

i am my own hell - teen suicide

i’m learning all kinds of tricks / how to drain the blood from my face

brick - alex g

i know that you’re lying / you think i don’t but i always fucking do

come back - alex g

made my promise and i’m keeping it for kicks / yeah i really didn’t think that it would stain like this / yeah i really didn’t think that it would stain like this

river of the night 

trick - alex g

(this is what his Contract Signing Dream sounded like that’s all)

call this # now - the garden

call this number now / if you wanna check it out / well just do yourself a favor and just call this number now / call this number now 

long way down - teen suicide

you’re a spoiled kid who’s never gonna get / anything that you deserve / i know this life’s gonna be just fine / but with any luck you know the next one’s gonna hurt

business man - mother mother

talkin bout the business man / devil with a sunday plan / buddy with a stupid laugh / just talkin bout the business man / pretty little baby / pretty little monster / went to the good school / left with honors

king rat - modest mouse

deep water / deep water / senseless denial / i went down like a rag doll rat of a child

oh lucky lucky lucky lucky me again / i said it looks like i’ve got to use my feet again / well i just spent my last one hundred dollars / god i’ll pay my bill again 

after dying and being saved

new gods - grimes

hands reaching out to new gods / you can’t give me what i want / but what do i know? / i wanna i wanna i wanna let go / i wear black eyeliner / black attire yeah / so take me higher and higher and higher

…

only brand new gods can save me

home again - carole king

sometimes i wonder if i’m ever gonna make it home again / it’s so far and out of sight / i really need someone to talk to and nobody else / knows how to comfort me tonight / snow is cold rain is wet / chills my soul through the marrow / i won’t be happy till i see you alone again / till i’m home again and feeling right

miracle - paramore

and have i told you / i’m not going / cuz i’ve been waiting for a miracle / and i’m not leaving / i won’t let you / let you give up on a miracle / when it might save you

(Pen And Ori. Pen Telling Ori He’s Not Going To Stay At The Castle [Bc He Couldnt Imagine Not Seeing Her Everyday.] Pens Naive Optimism + His Want T.o Make Her Feel Better Abt The Future and The World And Everything)

dinner and diatribes - hozier

i knew it from the first look of / the look of mischief in your eyes / friends are a fate that befell me / head is the talking type / i’d suffer hell if you’d tell me / what you’d do to me tonight

(Pen And Juni Anthem)

funny - the scary jokes

and i laughed and i laughed and i gasped and i cried / and i tried not to think of my love as a punchline / but i knew the truth would catch up with me sometime / and oh what a funny joke am i

(pen crying on the bed in castle ravenloft dot mp3)

pretty funny - dogfight (lindsay mendez)

isn’t it funny?  isn’t it funny?  aren’t you funny? / pathetically naive and desperate to believe you could always find some good / well you misunderstood or you’ve been dreaming / cus people are just cruel

(pen crying on the bed in castle ravenloft dot mp3 Part 2)

until it goes - john congleton

oh my vengeance i swear will be biblical

…

my bride my bride how do i silence / this restlessness inside me / inside i see it kneeling through keyholes / my bride i need no absolution / on this day of my execution / just stay with me stay with me stay with me stay with me until the horror goes

(abandonment issues pen be like *stay with me stay with me stay with me stay with me noises*. also one day i want pen to hurt everyone who has severely fucked with him and thats all [m****** and d******])

beautiful - carole king

you’ve got to get up every morning / with a smile on your face / and show the world all the love in your heart / then people gonna treat you better / youre gonna find yes you will / that you’re beautiful as you feel

don’t ask me to explain - of montreal

i’d like to marry all of my close friends / live in a big house together by an angry sea / am i the devil’s marbles don’t move on without me / who will be watching my body when i sleep / who will i believe in

(Pen Be Like I Love Ori And Juni And Alba And That Is My Disease. )

100 years - florence welch

i believe in you /and in our hearts we know the truth / and i believe in love / even the darker it gets the more i do / you try and fill us with your hate and we will shine a light / and the days will become endless / and never turn to night

...

a hundred arms / a hundred years / you can always find me here / and lord don’t let me break this / let me hold it lightly / give me arms to pray with / instead of ones that hold too tightly 

#mel talks #penance the jester #dnd tag

[maknaesdancersrappers]

🥀

tw// depression, suicide

i know i said i wont post for a day or two in light of recent events, but i might just take an indefinite hiatus. 

before even news broke out about sulli’s passing, i woke up to the results of my moodpath app. basically, for an entire week i answered a set of questions thrice a day (morning, noon, night) about my well-being. of course, i answer as truthfully as i can since i’m the only one who can access this app on my phone and yesterday (oct 14) i received the results of the self-screening test and came up with this:

honestly, i should have seen it coming, but it still put me down emotionally and just a few hours later, the news about Sulli came out. I’m not a big f(x) stan only because they were on hiatus for so long, but i remember loving them so much because of Hot Summer and Electric Shock. I stanned Amber and Victoria, but I vividly remember finding Sulli so cute and charming that I ended up adoring her. I have the same sentiments regarding Jonghyun and honestly, it still hurts to listen to his and Shinee’s songs up to now. Discovering the news about Sulli just made me feel even worse; because I knew how knetz treated her and I can’t even imagine being in her shoes.

another reason why im taking a hiatus is because im still very much unemployed; my portfolio is full of started projects that i have no motivation and inspiration to finish. just a few moments ago, i was telling my mom how i was helping my friend with her work and mentioned how she’s also unemployed at the moment because she quit her job. you would think my mom would ask why and all, but instead she comments “at least she had a chance to quit. when will you?” basically implying how i havent had a job since graduation. i didn’t respond bc i know how it’ll play out; i’ll make “an excuse” and she’ll dismiss it or i’ll end up breaking down and that’s the last thing i’ll ever want to do.

i want to get professional help; i have been for months but it’s not easy for me. i don’t want to tell my family; my parents are the most traditional and conservative people ever. they can sympathize about news reports regarding people committing suicide and depression, yet they fail to see it in me.

ever since i started working on my portfolio, i have been nothing but stressed and drained everyday. i sleep at 6 am and wake up at 2-4 pm which means i have only 1-2 complete meals a “day.” 

im not looking for sympathy anymore. im writing this because i just want to be as transparent as i can to everyone who follows me. don’t you think its so ironic how i have a motivational art ig acc yet my thoughts are the opposite? i’ll be okay. just another downward route in this never ending rollercoaster of emotions. don’t be alarmed if you send messages and i don’t respond. im just not good at communication (if it isn’t obvious), know that all your messages are greatly appreciated and im very thankful for them.

see you guys soon.

[frenchibi]

top 5 books

Hello friend!!!! This is areally really tough question bc I read so many different genres and have SOMANY FAVORITES so I’m going to cheat a little bit… I’ll give you Top3 or 4 (I have no impulse control) for several genres so you’ll get more than 5total but not like.. an inordinate number of books, ok? xD (Who am I kidding I’mgoing off the rails, no apologies)

Fantasy

The Name of the Wind(Kingkiller Chronicles Book 1) and sequel(s) by Patrick Rothfuss. Has beentalked about loads in fantasy circles and I have nothing to add other than“this is the best fantasy book I have ever read, and probably in the top 3 ofbest books I have ever read, period.” The style blew me a way, the characters are fantastic, the system of magic/power in this world is the coolest I have EVER SEEN and… yeah. I’m invested.

Howl’s Moving Castleand sequel(s) by Diana Wynne Jones. Y’all remember the ghibli movie? This isthe book this is based on and it is way, way better than the already fantasticmovie. It is ridiculously charming and witty and lovely and I recommendeveryone read it. You will not regret it. This is my ultimate comfort book, if that makes any sense.

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett – a hilarious bookabout the apocalypse with absolutely amazing characters and incredible styleand wit. We’re getting a TV series this year and I am beyond stoked. Pleaseread this. It’s… just… yes. British fantasy is SO GOOD.

Honorable mention: Die Stadt der TräumendenBücher by Walter Moers. Theremight be an English translation of this, but honestly I only recommend you readthis if you can read it in its original German – I’m not gatekeeping, it’s justthat so much of its brilliance relies on in-depth knowledge about German culture,history and language and it’s inevitably gonna lose that in translation. It’sone of my absolute favorite books ever and it pains me I can’t share this withmy English-speaking friends :/

YA

The Knife of Never Letting Go (Chaos Walking Book 1) by Patrick Ness. It’shands down the coolest YA book I have ever read and it doesn’t even… feel likeYA at all, more like sci-fi? It could just as easily have gone in the “experimental”category and I don’t wanna give too much away but… the typeface of this book ispart of its charm? Different characters have different fonts and shit? Definitelyread a physical copy of this. Also, the narrator is illiterate so he writeswords by sounding them out – and I know that sounds like that would bedistracting but trust me it’s fantastic??? Please please PLEASE give this atry.

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street by Natasha Pulley. Y’all want a good queerstory that’s not romance-heavy but instead has intricate worldbuilding and really cool magic? Pleaseread this, you will not be disappointed. This is a more “adult” version of YoungAdult Fiction and I absolutely love it.

A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab. Is this fantasy, actually? Probably. Does it haveissues? Yes. Is it still a very fun ride with a cool magic/power system? HELLYES. Also the characters are a bit older, which works very well. It’s like YAafter you’ve kind of outgrown YA.

Murder/Mystery

The Strings of Murder (& sequels in the “Frey & McGray” series) by Oscar de Muriel –listen, the main character is a little SHIT and that’s absolutely fine? Themysteries are kind of convoluted but not in a distracting way, it’s just a funseries with fun characters that I really enjoyed!

The Seven Dials Mystery by Agatha Christie (and honestly pretty much everything she has everwritten) – I have nothing to say about Agatha Christie that has not been saidbefore :’D

Phantom bySusan Kay. Now this is kind of also a drama and it’s been a while since I’veread it so idk how well it fits into the murder/mystery category but it’s aboutthe Phantom of the Opera before he became the actual Phantom (or rather, thepath to how he became the Phantom), and I have endless love for this verydramatic and mysterious and misunderstood character so… yeah :D

Collections of Short Stories

Topics About Which I Know Nothing by Patrick Ness. Yes, this is the author of “ChaosWalking” (see above), and this is a collection of a VAST variety of shortstories he has written, all of which are insanely creative and so, so fun??This man has an insane imagination and I love it, instant recommendation toanyone honestly.

Dear Life byAlice Munro – another one that I read a while ago and don’t remember that muchabout, but I remember absolutely loving this book, and that it’s one of thebooks that made me want to read more short story collections :D

The Refugeesby Viet Thanh Nguyen – an interesting bit of perspective, this book centersaround different characters who are Vietnamese or of Vietnamese descent in theUnited States. I loved how eye-opening it was tbh?? I love reading books byauthors from cultures vastly different from my own and this was wonderful.

Poetry/Experimental

Milk and Honey / The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur – two collections of very personaland touching modern formless poetry that honestly blew me away. I’m not a bigfan of classic poetry, or poetry in general, but these two books are justincredible.

Good morning, Good night by Lin-Manuel Miranda – a collection of Lin’s “good morning”/ “goodnight” tweets that, idk, give me hope for humanity? Ideal for perusing if youneed cheering up and just an all-round wholesome book to own.

Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn – a “novel without letters” I wouldn’t know where to placeexcept under “experimental” because its premise is basically… an island thatslowly bans more and more letters from everyday use? It’s told in the form ofletters between the characters and it’s just… such a FEAT of writing, the waythe author forces his characters (and himself) to get by with fewer and fewerletters of the alphabet? Fascinating, from a writer’s perspective, and anabsolute recommendation!!!

Sleeping Giants (Book 1 of the Themis Files) by Sylvain Neuvel. This is a sci-fi book,but it’s under “experimental” because, well – it’s told through interviews. Iwas a little confused/put off in the beginning by this style, but the jaw-droppingstory pulled me in and hooked me. It’s a sci-fi EPIC… don’t get too attached toanyone because the apocalypse is coming for them all - and you’ll be at theedge of your goddamn seat. This is a fantastic series.

Drama

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. Honestly, anything by Khaled Hosseini, unsurpassedauthor of dramas that will rip your heart to shreds, and you’ll never be thesame after reading them.

Everything I never told you by Celeste Ng. This is one of those books that will never leave you afteryou’ve read it. It starts with “Lydia is dead. But they don’t know this yet.” –unravelling the mystery and consequences of the death of a Chinese-Americanfamily’s teenage daughter in gut-wrenching detail. A family story that willleave you sobbing on the floor but also filled with such profound hope forhumanity – I don’t even know. This book eviscerated me.

Homegoing byYaa Gyasi – the story of two sisters, one a slave and the other a slave-owner’swife, and their descendants. A family history of choices and consequence thatis… raw and personal and a very, very important book.

Home Fire byKamila Shamsie. The story of a British-Pakistani family – more specifically,the story of three children whose father was a terrorist. I am weak for familystories, and this one is politically charged and relevant and gut-wrenching aswell.

Novels/Fiction

The Hours byMichael Cunningham. The first book I read in a stream-of-consciousness style,and I still really enjoy the plot of it, too: The story follows three women;Virginia Woolf writing a novel in the 1920s, a woman reading this novel in the40s, and a woman basically living the plot of this novel in the 90s. It’sfascinating, really? I highly recommend it.

The History of Bees by Maja Lunde. Another story told in three time periods – a man whoinvents a new type of beehive for beekeepers in the 1800s, a beekeeper whosebees are dying in approximately present day, and a woman 100 years in thefuture who pollinates plants by hand because all the bees have vanished. It’s…fascinating, again, and a really good story. I also feel like it was quiteeducational? I enjoyed it a lot.

Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult. Technically this is a drama too (but shh) – it followsa black delivery nurse who is charged with a serious crime after an incidentinvolving the baby of a White Supremacist couple. It’s an explosive topic butit’s handled with a lot of nuance? Reading this book will frustrate you greatly,but I think it’s… idk, important? It shook me.

Eyrie by TimWinton. I have never seen depression portrayed more accurately than in thisbook. I was highlighting passages on almost every page – also the style ispretty cool? Snappy? Sharp? I’m not good at describing it but… yeah this leftan impact.

Non-Fiction (listen I knowthese are all by youtubers but hear me out)

So Much I want to Tell You by Anna Akana – letters written by Anna to her sister, who committedsuicide when she was 13. It’s raw and personal and important, stories aboutpersonal growth and lessons learned, about grief and regret and moving on. Irecommend this 100%.

Secrets For The Mad by Dodie Clark. A collection of charming stories and anecdotes and songlyrics and doodles – a book that reads like what watching dodie’s music videos andvlogs feels like. Safe and soft and personal. I love this.

Doing It byHannah Witton – a book about sex education that honestly everyone should read.Hannah blazes through taboos like they’re nothing more than hot air – as theyshould be. (Also, watch her videos.)

Bonus

The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho. I don’t even know what category to put this in? It reads like a fable and it is just... so beautiful and enchanting. Please read it, you will not be disappointed. It’s a story of chasing your dreams and self-discovery and it’s... just wonderful.

-

Did I make this entire listas a means of procrastination? Yes. Am I sorry? No.

Listen I have been wantingto blog about books for the LONGEST TIME but I never took the time to because…idk, I am not involved with the book reviewer community on any platform andhonestly I’m intimidated? But I do have a lot of Thoughts so if you’ve read anyof these and want to yell about them with/at me please dm me??? Or send me anask if you want to hear more detailed opinions about any of these from me????

…yeah. Thank you for this question,man. I love books.

Send me “top 5″ of anything and I’ll respond with my favorites!!!

#French speaks #books #book recs #rec #answered #ask me stuff

[thankyoumskobayashi]

happy 10th anniversary to the day my dad found my cats on the side of the road

i have thought alot of times abt what id do if i met the person who left them there. probably punch that person for being a dumb jerk. but if it werent for them leaving blossom on the side of the road, my depression could easily have taken a turn for the worst during middle/high school. my floof merr has been my reason for living, even moreso than spite. now im at a place where im enjoying life a little and learning sorta how to be an adult. i'd probably thank whoever dropped my cats off but also punch them for being a jerk.

anyways, my point is that if you don't believe in yourself, or you hate your life, find something to live for. Anything, no matter how unimportant others may deem it. for me, my love for my cat and desire to make sure she's happy overrode my depressed thought. treatment was definitely a step in that, but if you can't find that find blogs abt coping with depression in everyday life and read as much as you can. after my diagnoses i read a lot from other people with depression anxiety and adhd. maybe this helps others too idk

rember too that change doesnt always happen right away either. we are constantly changing ourselves and reinventing ourselves, and it is exhausting to make the conscious choice, again and again, to be a better person. but it is a necessary one because otherwise society remains stagnant.

and stagnating things cause breakdowns and decay.

good luck in finding yourselves, and your companions throughout the journey of life. i may not be a psychologist but i can listen if you need someone to, and i can reblog that list of suicide hotlines bc your life is worth too much. im crying right now actually bc a kid in my hometown khs, probably due to not being believed over mental health issues. people "not believing in" mental illness gets me so fucking pissed off bc this shit matters! it's not little things that people complain abt, it's the small symptoms of a much larger, and much more malevolent whole which moves through the mind like a hurricant. it destroys so much of your functioning and leaves you struggling to swim in the productive direction against the current of a deeper and stronger force.

being ridiculously persistent, as adhd folks tend to be, is probably also another reason i'm here. i love my friends too much to ever let them suffer like that, so i'd hold on to the point of walking through hell and back. in that way i found the hyperfocus i wield like a double edged sword and honed the loyalty i have always developed. i love my old friends, and i love my new friends, and i'm just so goddamn happy to be having friends on this planet. i dont need a romance, because i love myself enough to not need one for validation. i think that having a relationship when you are not really into someone else as much as they are into you would feel very weird. kinda like early marina & the diamonds being in a relationship. i don't know.

why the hell am i telling you all this? because it is a stream of conscious and i am allowing you unfiltered access to my inner thoughts because these are the only thoughts i have had or will ever have at this moment at this time. and because people in the future may look back on them to see what is relevant to history. and in my case i will say that i hate donald trump, i had a great dream last night that he died of a heart attack, and they were debating whather to put his secondary prez as the next in line bc they expected p*nce to do such a horrible job too.

we need to help the environment and in order to do that we need to limit the pollution companies can create. everywhere. all across the globe. it would take huge efforts. the leaders would probably be assassinated anonymously by the ceos of huge megacorps which steal billions from the workers. we need to create huge amts of inertia, so how do we do that??? education.

we need to teach abt environmentalism. we need to teach it like it is a basic tenet of humanity to care about it, at levels that challenge & excite kids instead of bore them. this is my poetics and i guess im spelling it out now that im tipsy bc i havewords flowing from my mind. i have to go get my charger hold on. its an external battery pack that my overly controlling mother had me put in her purse this mornig. the song "hotline, hotline.... calling on the hotline to your love" has been stuck in my head for a lot of the day today and i hate it. today i was the magic carpet operator it was really cold. i hate the magic carpet for being so cold but there was a squad of 5 kids today who got a big kick out of riding the magic carpet to the top, then taking the stairs back down again. it wasnt malicious or anything it was fun and gave me smth to do other than stand coldly thinking abt how cold i was.

the woodstove hoever is very warm and i am tired and need to use the bathroom before i bring my cat upstairs to watch guardian & possibly even kamen rider kuuga before falling asleep. oh and dont forget to brush teeth before u pass out too. good night everyone. this is who i have found myself to be now. so, who are you?

#suicide tw #depression tw #personal writing #encouragement #this house has a Poetics #this house being me

[fivegems]

Just gonna let this emotion out here since this is only place I could rely my feelings on since along time ago. Please hear me out. that’s all i want.

T/W

So real life has been extra toxic and stressful and I feel so bitter with my fandom lately.I’m angry that I can’t feel the same way they do. I can’t find the "bittersweet" they all talking about. I can only feel angry and bitter and sadness. with 3 of this together I feel “bittershit”. realtalk. I’m struggling really hard than before idk why am im putting up a strong character. maybe I just wanted to be strong and not be called weak. I always admire how strong SHINee is.I really wish I could be as strong as them.

that’s why I’m still here. Fighting. Bcs of them.

I tried but I can’t because I know deep down they aren’t okay. they did said it too. not that I’m complaining in their decision even tho i was against it in the 1st place I trust them anyway. I just can’t stop thinking about their pain behind their smiles and laughters. It hides so much pain.it hurts so much. Bcs at the end of the day they are still hurting (the most) and that’s what hurting me so much.

My thoughts won’t stop with the "what ifs" of jonghyun being here would have been better. please don’t get me wrong I don’t mean that the other members aren’t enough. it’s just that it won’t be the same without him no matter how many times I hear that he is always with us or with shinee. I hate to admit that it’s not helping at all not even his posthumous album or even when shinee says he is always with us.myself wont believe it. It hurts that everything will never be the same without him anymore. This is so hard. It’s so hard having a weak mental health. It’s so hard to put into words how I feel. All I wanna do is broke down into tears. I want to stop this pain but it won’t stop. Nothing is lessening the pain.It keeps going in middle of my time everyday. 

What bothers me so much is that I tried to kill myself several times before the incident happened. I have so many mental breakdown due to personal reasons and It happened again before that day. everytime it happened. I cried all day all night , not leaving my bed .Always attempting to kill myself. Waiting for my family to approach me and hear me out but this crying happens from time to time. That’s why I think it becomes normal to them that they don’t bother anymore. That night I questioned my life. I wanted to disappear. I wanted my life to end. I wrote a suicide note in my phone BUT at the middle of the thought I suddenly remember SHINee. I suddenly remember the feeling of wanting to be alive. The reasons why I need to stay. Right. I still have plans in seeing them. I still have lots of stuffs that I want to talk with them. I still have to tell them how much they mean to me and how much they help me to get through my life and That I want to be part of their life.They were the reason why I hold on to. I must stay and continue.

and then after that night.

Boom.

The incident happened.

How do I continue my life knowing that one of the people that made me feel that I have a worthy life is now dead.

I did know he was also suffering. I notice it from his songs to his eyes that says thousand of words and endless emotions but I didn’t do anything. I thought he was getting better but I was wrong. I should have assured him.I shouldn’t have stayed.

Watching SHINee now....well then.... I should keeping going despite the pain too right? until it gets healed. until the the pain stops...right? But I don’t know how to deal with this. I want to help myself but where do i start? I’m already very tired and very lonely to the point I loss the will to live. I’m so tired both physically and mentally. I’m a mess.

Thanks for listening to my ted talk. I just wanted to let ppl hear me out atleast my followers and mutuals. Vote shinee on idolchamp. ((i mean that lol)).Thanks again.

#personal

[ohshanksno]

giant squid, orca, jellyfish, eel

Giant Squid: did you like fairy tales as a kid? which children story is still your favourite one?

- aready answered!

Orca: are you an easy-to-scare person? what scares you the most?

- YEAH dude i get scared at jumpscares! But the one thing I get scared shitless about is ghost stories. Even if it’s meant as a joke, I take everything seriously, and at school the teachers tell us stories about the ghost that walks around the school at night making noises and messing stuff up. You hear him, but you don’t see him.

I’ve heard him once in the lab bc I forgot something (i heard footsteps, and then they started running towards me and I fucking ran out of there and locked the door), and ever since, I don’t stay behind school after 10:48PM.

Jellyfish: if you had the chance to spend the summer at one place in the world, which one would it be? why?

- uhhhh…. good question! Maybe Russia or Romania? I like their buildings and the scenery and their cultures! Somewhere in Europe, or if I really had a chance, the One Piece Tokyo Towers. Gives me enough time to try all their food and their sites.

Eel: what music band/singer has inspired you the most to follow your dreams and be yourself? why?

- hoo boy…okay….okay man…………you ready for this can of worms?

TL;DR: agh, I’m just gonna say Oasis first, and then Foo Fighters. I first heard them on the game Guitar Hero: World Tour, and ever since I’ve been hooked. THe reason why? Not all songs, but their lyrics told me a story. A story of how even though things are difficult, there’s a way out, even if you don’t think there is. But mostly, they all told me stories. And I like stories.

i put the long reasons why under a read more bc it’s got sensitive topics and not everyone wants to read that sO

(triggers: suicide tw, cutting tw)

wowo this got so long what

Why? I still ask myself to this day. Uh, I was pretty suicidal back then when I started middle school, cutting and not eating for days and writing suicide notes and junk. I was abused a lot when growing up, and seeing how I had no way out for a long time, and being stuck as the black sheep of the family, I was like “well, if this is the only way out, then why the fuck not?”

I had no friends and my family was the worst (and my grandmother was the absolute fucking worst, and I hated going to that house everyday for eight years, but that’s another day for that), so, you know, things started happening.

Anyways uh, my dad got me into this game (I thought it was fucking stupid at the time, ridiculous even, to play a stupid game like that, but he said that I might like it (”come on! It’ll be fun! you won’t know til you try it!”) so he told me to try it anyways) but like, the main song was The Seeker by The Who that made me go “oh?”

It was the music, and the lyrics kinda resonated with me? This was on Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock

‘I learned how to raise my voice in angerYeah, but look at my face, ain’t this a smile?I’m happy when life’s goodAnd when it’s bad I cryI’ve got values but I don’t know how or why

I’m looking for meYou’re looking for youWe’re looking in at otherAnd we don’t know what to do

They call me The SeekerI’ve been searching low and high

I won’t get to get what I’m afterTill the day I die’

YAY HERE’S A LINK

But the real song that got me back into life was Pearl Jam’s Alive (on Guitar Hero: World Tour)

‘Is something wrong?She said

Of course there is

You’re still aliveShe said

Oh do I deserve to be?Is that the question? And if so, if soWho answers?Who answers?’

A LINK? LET’S GO

anyways, so, uh, then I got into Oasis. The song that was on the game was Some Might Say, which was one of their most popular songs, I believe, other than Wonderwall.

‘Some might say we will find a brighter daySome might say we will find a brighter day, yeah’

ANOTHER LINK

Then for Foo Fighters, their most popular song was Everlong, which was also on the game. I think at the time, they did all the popular songs at the time (2007, 2008) and just put them in one big ol’ game

‘And I wonderWhen I sing along with youIf everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I’ll ever ask of youYou gotta promise not to stop when I say whenshe sang‘ 

LINKS MORE LINKS

There was also Kent’s VinterNoll02 (in Swedish, so I didn’t understand the lyrics, but it’s about being lonely on a winter day, something like that), Linkin Park’s What I’ve Done, R.E.M.’s Losing My Religion, Paramore’s Misery Business. Nirvana’s About a Girl (unplugged), Interpol’s Obstacle 1, Smashing Pumpkin’s Today, and like… I don’t know what it was, but if it wasn’t for that game in of itself, I wouldn’t have been here by now.

It made me stop cutting for a while, but I started up again after a couple weeks. But then I switched to pens instead because grabbing things was really hard, and that when I finally got to stay home for the summers instead of going to that dreaded household.

And then I looked them all up, read their lyrics, and then I listened to more songs, and then I started playing the games more. I got better, and faster, and for that moment, I was okay. I felt that everything would be okay, even for a moment. Even though I felt like shit wanted to die, I was like “mm…this is okay. This is cool. And that’s good, right?”

And then here I am, years later, listening to them still, aha

There’s more songs, ( (You’ve Got) The Heart of a Star; I Hope, I Think, I know; I Will Believe; Cast No Shadow; Whatever; Fade Away; Listen Up; It’s Better People; Supersonic; Keep the Dream Alive; Sad Song; and Step Out) are all songs by Oasis. Their lyrics resonated with me and I was like “oh that’s so me!”

Then Foo Fighters, ahhh (Best of You; Big Me; These Days; Times Like These; Run; Learn to Fly; Walk; Walking After You; The Pretender; Long Road to Ruin; Let It Die; Bridge Burning; and Stranger Things Have Happened) are even more relateable, so it’s like “yeAAAHHHH”

(There’s more to be added, but I think this is enough of a mess as it is akdhfladf)

anyways so that’s part of my story come back any time

#vin answers #long post #suicide tw #cutting tw #idk how to tag these properly someone help #new radicals is a pretty good choice too!!!

[iamtmblrbby]

im khloe.

I’m 20.

At 3, I read my first chapter book.

At 4, I had 500 AR points (and I had my first 2 bullies & black eye that year)

At 5, I read on a 12th grade level (and I sobbed in the counselors office about having no friends)

At 7, I won second place in a state poetry contest

At 8, I was snuck into gifted classes even after failing the test to get into them (and the other kids parents got me kicked out)

At 9, I sang 4 different solos in school choir that year (I went through my most traumatic parental experience I ever had with my father)

At 10, I was student of the year,highest gpa, And principals choice. ( I got on the bus and sobbed suicidally about it because the kids cracked jokes cus everyone thought I was trying to be better than them. )

At 11, I had 3000 AR points. (And deeply rooted self esteem issues started to surface)

By 12, I had a bookshelf full of academic trophies and medals (and I broke them all in anger one day)

At 14, i wrote another poem about my dead dad and won a first place and a spot in the American library of poetry ( i smoked my first blunt snorted my first pill and I never bought the book)

At 15, I never had down to a dress code on my record but I got sent to alternative school for something stupid. (I became the talk of my old high school)

At 16, My mom set it up for me to be skipped from sophomore to junior year and I stayed at school everyday Monday thru Saturday until 5pm (high asl with fresh & itching cuts under my sleeves)

At 17, i made a 28 on the act. I graduated a year before anyone I grew up with. I got an academic scholarship to my number one pick out of state. And I had my first experience living in my own world, but apart from (There was brief mental peace. God had mercy.)

At 18, I had to leave college but got hired at about 7 places. 4 which I would actually go to work for.. the longest being 6 months. I began to have new,deep experiences in love and life. my spiritual views started to form. I began to feel as though I was beginning to live more authentically {haha based on now boy was I so damn wrong but it was a start fr} (I found out I was sick, I bottled up all my non positive emotions about my relationship/partner and was inside a resentful bitter sex addict w control issues and insecurities & outside an emotionally unstable needy & affectionate bitch, my relationship with my only living parent was hell {esp if I was even out of a job for a second}, I cried more than my depression years combined)

At 19, everything started to slowly shift. I got a first glimpse at my real spiritual gifts. (my boyfriend was a fuckboy) I got approved for my first apartment signed my first lease. (I screamed & cried in my room at the top of my lungs the day before moving in) then everything was magic. (I found out my boyfriend was REALLY a fuckboy) I started my music career as Pixi K and my first couple songs would hit the thousands in a week. (I found out my boyfriend was deadass from h*ll or basically somewhere where they don’t have a conscience bc what the hEll *~*) I had my first visions that I can’t tell anybody about frfr bc They’re from light years ahead.

I got lost in the sauce because this became a chest off to the universe and also helped me release those residual emotions from some of those childhood experiences. But There was a direction I was going with this, all my brightest moments to others.. the moments where I used my ambition..or my talent...or my love..or was accomplishing goals just to try to get the same people that made me feel smaller than I physically am to see that I have WORTH/be proud/validate me... have been my souls darkest moments. My mentally darkest moments. My spiritually lowest moments. And the craziest part about it is 90% of it all: NOBODY KNEW. & NOBODY CARED TO KNOW. Imagine trying to please everyone while ur engulfed in flames constantly. but everyone had something to say to belittle, something to do to kick while I was down, something to push me into overdrive, exhausting my energy & will to live.

I don’t wanna perform for nobody myself. I don’t wanna Change for nobody but myself. I don’t wanna answer to nobody by myself. Ion wanna move on nobody time but my own and I OWE IT TO MYSELF. OWE. I’ve lived my whole life for other people. IM SIXK OF MY OWNNN SHIT. I LOVE MYSELF. ALL THESE ACCOMPLISHMENTS PROVE IM OUTRAGEOUSLY TALENTED, SMART DAMN NEAR GENIUS, CAPABLE, I KNOW HOW TO REACH GOALS. AND I NEVER NEEDED ANYONE TO TELL ME THAT OR REFLECT THAT TO ME BY BEING THAT LIKE I THOUGHT I DID THESE WHOLE 19 YEARS. I ONLY GET WRAPPED UP IN THESE FANTASIES N BULLSHIT TO TAKE THE PRESSURE OF FEELING THE NEED TO CONFORM TO WHO EVERYBODY EXPECTS ME TO BE OFF ME.

I only want to be loved. Appreciated. Understood as a human.

At 20, I’m stepping into the unknown. what I didn’t know is I’m actually taking back the reigns on my life and it just feels like I’m losing all control because I’ve never been the one making the choices. In my mind I did, but my mind wasn’t being captained by my soul. It was being captained by the beliefs, the conditioning, the trauma they put on me...the box they put me in. The people I gave the power to make decisions for me.

At 20, I will know what true freedom feels like.

CONSIDER THIS NOTE ME LETTING GO OF EVERYTHING . EVERY PERSON I LOVE. EVERY DREAM IM CHASING. EVERYTHING I CANT CONTROL. EVERYTHING. EVERY VOICE OPINION FEELING I SOAKED UP THAT SHAPED ME IN 19 YEARS. THIS IS COMPLETE SURRENDER. ***ENDLESS WHITE FLAG EMOJIS***

@SPIRIT BECAUSE THATS ALL U BEEN TELLIN ME. SURRENDER. SURRENDER. REALLY SURRENDER.

WELL HERE YOU GO, IN VIRTUAL INK.

I AM A VOID.

[brokenhayatim]

exhale

idk how long this is gonna be but it goes a little something like this. you ever been so afraid of failing that you just procrastinate and avoid for so long? each day you tell yourself you’ll finally suck it up and push through but the fear and anxiety are almost so paralyzing you don’t even wanna go near the task.

i’s just been months..like maybe even five at this rate. i tell myself to start the clock the day i graduated but i know the truth. the last year-ish was my idkwhatimdoingwithmylifeohmygod era and i just thought i passed it with a bit more advice and options. but it’s like it was all almost pretty bubbles and they just popped so long ago that i’m lost and confused and afraid and nervous and all of that is so ridiculous, it embarrasses me. i’m not really that lazy but i say it to try and explain alot, i think. or i say that i’m just relaxing or something, when i know everyday my thoughts are always on this same thing and never being good enough to get through the rut. it wasnt till i was on a walk, voice memo-ing a friend and the anxiety just peeked through a bit and i was hearing my own thoughts aloud like ....thats true? and i’m told to not be afraid and to just let whatever happens happen if it’s best for me and i know that but i also dont?

everyday i constantly think about deleting every single social media app i’m on bc i feel this heavy weight of uselessness and incompetence. why couldn’t i have learned things like this person or been more out there like that person?what’s wrong with me? and i begin to rationalize it with my childhood and how i was raised and it never is fulfilling. it’s constantly not enough, nothing about me is. i’m not creative at all and what i can do, so many can do better and so why would anyone actually pick me? even the things and issues i’m passionate about, what do i really know? even my knowledge seems so below average and it’s confusing and stressful. i feel like if someone asked me a question about anything right now that i’ve just forgotten everything important and couldn’t even articulate a proper response. and i wanted to be an activist??? since i have to interview for jobs online now bc the pandemic it’s made me so nervous. i feel most in my element during in person interviews and i say that as someone that’s also awkward and nervous in the room. but i’m more anxious of the constant string of rejections i know i’m gonna receive now bc i can barely speak english and there’s nothing special about me at all. at least in person, i can smile and make it less weird. and i connect so much better that way, which loosens me up .000009% more. it’s really babyish i guess bc everyone is adjusting and i’m just not. and i thought i was with everything but i guess i really wasnt. and coming home everytime makes me fall back into this person i dont like ad i get so sluggish (my sister says its the trauma) and i dont know bc one day she’s waking up in florida and being a good semi productive human and the next she’s back in new york and its many low days and nerves. honestly the way this house sucks the life out of me, i dont even think i’d be good at any remote job. it’s kinda the reason half my brain is pushing the dead part bc i want to leave. be more self-sufficient and alone again. but where and how, you know? obvs im gonna need a job for that. it’s just this domino effect and i’m scared to push the first one and it’s annoying and i hate it goddaammit.  the moment i came home, i just have always felt unworthy and other to my family. like they don;t care, like they’re not proud, like i’ve done nothing these past years and that’s my fault for not being an open book like the rest.

i’m gonna have to edit this bc i will not remember 87 months worth of pandemic thoughts into this post right now but. i tell myself i came home and decided to take a break for a bit, or focused on my health and appointments, but really..i dont know. i think i say it to justify all these hollow days of disappointment, which it never does. i’m afraid to ask for help or even a nice job recommendation from my last employer bc all i can think about is that it’s been months and what have i been doing this whole time? and i think they’ll ask that or think ??? now ??? and i get in my head. i know its not illogical and the worst anyone can say is no and yada yada but ugh this is why i hate my mind and just overthinking ... or not thinking?? who knows. i’m constantly letting myself down but .., i dont want anyone to know that. does that make sense. maybe i have this need to be superficial and make my life seem so nice and good and right bc i never see myself as that and i worry of people’s opinions and crave affirmations. 

the first appt i had coming home was my neurosurgeon one and my dad and him sort of just had this rushed timeline in their heads of how i would go into the ER one day soon and bam its done. i didnt wanna think about that so i tried to focus on my job stuff .. then got stressed so i just started scheduling the appointments i needed. then stopped and did more work stuff. then the secretary called me like ???? u havent done these exams yet and i was like yeah uhhh. bc when i do them it’s one step closer to doing the surgery and i know i want the surgery i’m just getting in my head again and don’t want it to be now. my sister told me to make sure i let her know when i choose a date and i was like mhm i wanna finish the job stuff and get my life sorted first and she was just ???? what ?? this is clearly more important. but here’s the kicker. i went on a walk the other day and just cried coming to terms with it all bc honestly i still dream of not making it out alive and a part of me thinks, at least if i did this one thing right and found a job and all that, that it would okay what happens next. like at least i was successful in that one thing. i think about how unworthy and unproud i am of myself and for months now, just felt like this would be a beautifully cowardice way out. and i think about the after, and cant even imagine strong devastation and sorrow. is that strange? like i expect everyone to just go on. bc i’m a simple buffer with no real purpose left. i walk and think about dreams and hopes and what i would miss and just one thing that make me call this entire fantasy completely insane and i just draw blank. so i cry because, of course. this fantasy isn’t new either, since last year i’ve been speaking to my therapist and writing about it. we would speak of suicide and i always respond like that’s a huge no bc of my religion but i say, i think about if something went wrong and that was it, how i want it to be like that. take the pressure, take the blame, take it all off me in a way. and some days i’m scared that i’ll wake up in the hospital bed after and be in pain and coddled and annoyed by the attention i’m only getting bc of that pain. and i dont want you to be here just because of the pain but i feel like you’re here only because of that. that you came, that you’re seeing me, that you care only because of it. so what am i without it? just back to nothing? the headaches were lonely but i feel less lonely with this diagnosis, like i have something good about me, worthy about me. something that makes me important to someone, even if it’s the neurologist that wants my money. to be real, i dont even think i care about the pain leaving as much as the fact that i can’t label myself as this person with chronic pain. like even if i was cured and oo lala all better, a part of me would still want to have this neuro condition. like ?? i was thinking: imagine beating cancer and feeling better but wanting to say .. and then realized the key difference. with that you survive, you are survivor. even if it’s gone that who you are. when this leaves me, i’m nothing and i’ll just go back to being nothing. no one says u survived brain surgery or survived a brain condition. it’s just done and forgotten. there’s nothing exciting about my life other than my mri visits i swear. i decided to do the surgery bc it would be stupid of me not to, and i’m still holding back, still unsure of even a set month. i just know i didnt want to follow covid rules of 1 visitor bc i know it would be one of my parents and i would jump out the window myself. but covid isnt rlly going away so is that the best excuse i have? i havent thought past these appointments and its almost like im doing it all for the wrong reasons, like enjoying it rather than wanting it to help me. i dont know.

unrelated but a song that always makes me cry and is actually the song i was listening to when i had that panic attack on the plane: finally by james arthur around 2:30. always brings out the hollowness in me hm.

**** i’m coming back to this but i got all my plaguing thoughts outish so

#asiya's thoughts

[thysurveys]

740.

And you are? Drunk.

One thing a guy needs to know about you before you get into a relationship. I’m emotionally unstable.

Don’t you think that running around through revolving doors is fun? No.

What’s something about other people that drives you crazy? Fucking rude people.

What are you doing? Listening to music, drinking and surveys.

What are you thinking about? How much of a fuck up I am.

What are you wearing? My work shirt and PJ bottoms lmao.

Baseball is the best sport hands down…right? No. I like baseball though.It’s not really popular in Aus.

Do you need to go see a counselor? I see a Psychologist.

It’s 3 in the morning… do your parents know where you are? They’d assume I’m in bed.

Favorite flower? I don’t have one.

Do you like chocolate? I do.

Ideal date? I don’t really mind.

Like the movie Elf? Sure.

Ok let’s talk travel, do you like to travel? Yes!

Where have you been? I’ve never been out of my own country, but I’ve been to a lot of states in my country. But I’ll be going to LA, Las Vegas and San Fran in March!

Next place you want to go? America, I guess lol.

What is something you MUST take with you when you travel? My phone? I don’t know. A lot.

How do you like to travel? Idm.

With someone, or alone? Someone.

Do you dance in your car when there are other people with you? I probably do it more often with someone I know rather than by myself.

Say you’re having a bad day… what makes it better? Kevin, alcohol, music.

Best feeling in the world? Sheer euphoria. < Yep.

Worst? Suicide-level depression. I feel like these should be obvious. < Yep.

If you’re quiet what does it mean? Anything.

Something that makes you smile? Kevin. Breeana. I don’t know.

Do you have trust issue? Major

Do you mind watching chick flicks? Nope.

What about … movies like…. Gladiator or The Last Samurai? Not a fan.

Favorite scent? Rain on a summer day.

Favorite store? I don’t know. It depends.

Say you wanted coffee.. what kind is your favorite? I don’t think I’d want coffee. I’m a tea person.

Do you get embarrassed easily? Yeah.

What about feel awkward? Yeah.

Do you mind people asking you personal questions? Tumblr, no. Irl? Yeah. I mind. A lot. lmao

You have a tank of gas, $50, and the day off… what do you do? Um, I’m not sure. Maybe go to Dandenong Ranges.

When’s your birthday? March 27. I’ll be in America this year for my birthday!

Favorite tv show? Atm... Grey’s Anatomy. 

Song you turn the volume up all the way to listen to? Blink 182, Mumford and Sons. Any song I’m digging, really. 

Something you keep in your car? Car spray. Like, a deodorant, for my car.

Highlight of your day? Getting drunk.

If you need a hug at 3 in the morning, who do you ask? Kevin.

DO you ask? No, I’d just ask him.

BOO! Boo?

Did I scare you? …no.

Something you do everyday that you wish you didn’t have to do? Go to work. lmao. 

What do you do when you like someone? Talk to them, get close to them. Idk.

Do you mind if people just show up at your house unannounced? Atm yes only bc it isn’t my house. It’s my boyfriend’s mum’s house.

What do you do when you disagree with someone? Nothing at all. I respect people’s opinions.

Do you enjoy rain? I do.

You love Jesus, yes? No I mean, I’m not a believer. 

If no.. why not? ^

Who’s your favorite person in the whole world… besides me? You aren’t. Oop. And Kevin. Breeana. My family and some of my friends.

#surveys #survey #question #questions #quiz #personal #bored #misc

[lethargicdeceiver]

i need to vent.

i don’t know what to do. i feel like i won’t be able to take this much lonfer.

it’s been going on for a year now, and i’m just not strong enough.

i’m feeling worse and worse everyday, it’s been almost a year since i last cut but i feel like i may relapse at any moment.

it’s horrible to think how much time has passed, but three years ago, my mental health issues started to manifest itself. abour three years ago, i lived through the worst summer in my life, a horrible period of time when i was literally drowning in selfloathing and textbook depression, and it was also the time i guess i started to slowly realize that my parents are emotionally abusing me. i overcame it, locked it in, and lived through another year hating myself only casually, mostly just surviving, until a year after the first time, it all started to come back, i started selfharming and i also started seeking professional help. but at that time, at least i had so many people around me that loved me, cared about me and were always there to help me.

there were a lot of ups and downs, but the ups were so worth it, and even though i was literally a mess, especially during summer because i wasn’t on antidepressants yet, i had times when i could be genuienly happy. i decided to make this summer way, way better, i met friends, went to conventions, did stuff i loved and tried my best. when i felt like shit and wanted to die, which was often, i had people i could go to. i felt loved. i felt like i belonged.

i went through it all, it started to get better, and i was so happy. i could see it getting better, and even though it was kinda scary and unknown, because i forgot what good were, in the long run, it made me feel so good, and i could push through life and all of it’s hardships, all of the challenges it plus my mental illness put in front of me.

but at this time last year, it all started slowly going to shit again.

yeah, i graduated higschool with mostly no problems. i also lost a lot of friends thanks to it. it’s just not the same when you don’t see each other in the school halls every single day... and especially since i went to another city.

i mean, i really was thinking about staying at home for at least one next year, but i desperately wanted to get away from my parents, and for that, i am super glad i did, because even if they don’t change, at least i don’t need to listen to their bullshit everyday. only on the weekends and holidays.

but with that i also lost the people around.

even if we try to stay in touch, it’s just not the same. there’s a distance. with everyone.

there’s even distance with people i even thought i would get closer to thanks to the circumstances.

and it’s growing, between me and every single person i know, the gap is getting larger and larger.

i grew apart with everyone to the point that i myself can’t believe it.

and i don’t know why it happened, it may have been my fault, it may have been their, it may have happened naturally.

but it’s change. and i hate changes with burning passion.

personally, i never wanted to find new friend in college, and to be completely honest, i still don’t really want to: i would just like for the old ones to come back to the same kind of relationship we used to have. is that too much to ask?

but i didn’t even really find friend in college either, because i am unable to socialize properly. it started okay, then it went to shit, then it seemed okay for a minute too, but now it’s just... i don’t know. lots of people i thought i was gonna become friends with ended their studies, which is also a huge bummer. and generally, the socialization has never been going well, and is never going to go well, now i know, but still, it sucks so much.

so i’m alone, i have a roommate that literally doesn’t talk to me more than “hi” and “bye” (which is funny bcs in czech we even use the same word to greet and say goodbye, so it’s like literally one word we speak, it’s fucking unbeliavable) and at this point, almost no friend, and the few i have left... it’s not enough, it’s not what i would like, and mostly, it’s not what it used to be, and that hurts the most.

i feel extremely disconnected and both alone and lonely.

i don’t feel like there’s any point in living.

i regret everything.

i’m going to be twenty. and i accomplished nothing.

i have stories i want to write, games i want to make, song i want to cover, books i want to read, anime i want to watch, languages i want to read.

and yet, i am doing literally nothing. i feel like i’m just wasting every second of my goddamn life.

i’m getting older, time’s not going backwards, and i am missing opportunities with every second, and i will never even be able to accomplish anything.

i don’t know what i want from life. i always take up some hobby or so, but i always give up. i never finish anything. i don’t have motivation, and i get discouraged super easily. and yet, i would love to do great thing...

but i can’t even handle the fucking school. one, it’s very hard for me as a person. second, it’s very hard for me thanks to my mental illness. thirds, i’m fucking stupid and lazy and procrastinate and keep putting stuff off and then i just sit and cry while still not getting anything done. i don’t even know if they’re going to let me pass this semester, and to be honest, probably not, because it’s miracle that i got through the first one... but i’m not really sure what will i do if that happens.

i’ve watched my life crumble in my hand twice already, when i literally hi my rock bottom. but beside that, i have written a suicide note, i have hurt myself, i went through a lot of despair, i doubled my medication so i could just fall asleep and not think about stuff, i lost a lot of people, i withstood shitton of abuse from my parents, bullying in every school i went to. when i came to college, i had a hard time with taking in how everyone just accepted me as a normal person, as someone equal and not lower or vastly different, because that’s what i’ve been tought to be from all the people around my age.

even though it still all sounds kinda fake to me, i’ve gone through a lot. these two times i consider me hitting my rock bottom, i survived and pushed through, and stuff got better over time.

but that happened already twice, and now, it is supposed to happen for the third time?

i’m feeling worse and worse. it’s not really.. urgent, it’s  more like i’m slowly losing my will to live.

i am very good at pretending that i am ok to my family and at school, and somehow even with friends, if i talk to anyone, i guess.

when i get the opportunity i drink myself to the oblivion, and i have been eating like a pig lately. i had a period of time when i got kinda addicted to cigarettes, but it passed and i don’t think will come back because the wonderful eu stopped making other flavors then mint, and i got too used to the sweetness and mildness of the blueberry ones that even the mints make me want to puke now.

but i shouldn’t drink because i take permanent medication, and also because i am starting a diet in a few days, so i also shouldn’t eat a lot, and not the comfort food. and now i don’t even have cigarettes, so how the fuck am i supposed to cope then? you are taking all the joy from my life away, i will have to result to cutting again to at least somehow release all the emotions.

i’m tired, everything pisses me off, and i split left and right, hating everyone, hating life, for not being the way i want, hating myself afterwards.

it’s all just piling up, i’m anxious a lot, but i am starting to get more and more lethargic to everything, and feel more and more dead inside. and i don’t know what to do. i have no idea, i’m lost, no clue what step should i take.

i don’t know if i find all this bullshit worth it.

i lived through the ultimate shit twice already, but the third time? i don’t want to. i’m not strong enough. i’m tired. i can’t handle it again. i won’t be able to survive this, if this continues, and oh if a miracle that i’m waiting for won’t happen, it will continue, because it’s been going on for a fucking year with literally no sign of getting even slightly better.

the moments of happiness are short lived, and getting shorter and shorter, and the cons of being alive are slowly outweighting the pros. it’s not worth going through all of this again, just to see everything fall into pieces and go into shit.

i don’t want to go through it again. i want to end this vicious cycle.

but i don’t know, i guess i’m even lowkey suicidal at this point. i’m mostly just wishing i would get hit by a car or something, rather and actively thinking of ways to kill myself. not saying that doesn’t happen too.

i just want everything to end.

because nothing is perfect and that’s the main problem.

and even though it may seem like i’m trying no blame people or something, it’s not, this is not a guilttrip and i don’t want to call anyone out or any of that bullshit. i’m just saying how the situation is.

tl;dr, from horrible times and complete mess, my life actually started to get better and i was very okay with that, but for the last year it has been only going downhill and i don’t know if i want to go through that cycle again. i may not survive it this time. i don’t know if i want to survive it for this price.

#personal

[romanovftedelgard]

tagged by @chuwaeyo​

Last

Drink: Monster, like my 3rd one today.

Phone Call: my father, he wanted me to go buy something and I forgot what it was lmao.

Text: ‘BKFJBBOBEAJONinfsgnioenp’ my friend sent me a meme

Song: ‘Born Ready’ from Marvel’s Rising - Dove Cameron

Time You Cried: at 5 am re-reading parlor tricks from @chuwaeyo​

Ever

Dated someone twice: hell no I ain’t tripping on the same rock twice

Kissed someone and regretted it: I don’t think so...

Been cheated on: sadly, yes

Lost someone special: yes

Been depressed: hell when am I not

Gotten drunk and thrown up: not really, I’ve been drunk but I've never threw up

Favorite colors: black and white lmao a basic bitch

In the last year you have

Made new friends: YES

Fallen out of love: yesss

Laughed until you cried: lmao yes

Found out someone was talking about you: yESS

Met someone who changed you: nope

Found out who your friends are: daamn this shit deep, yes

Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list: ...those were dark times in my life

General

How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl: like 3 of ‘em lmao

Do you have any pets: welp, my sister has like 4 cats and I am the one always taking care of them

Do you want to change your name: Not really

What did you do for your last birthday: Play on my ps4, my family and I don’t make a big deal of birthdays

What were you doing at midnight last night: reading fanfics and drinking

What is something you can’t wait for: HALLOWEEN!!! bc of the overwatch event tbh. In Spain halloween is not something really important

What are you listening to right now: Flight in G-minor feat. Dirty Cello - Amp Live (it’s SUPER BADASS AND I PLAY IT EVERYDAY)

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I don’t think so, no.

Something that gets on your nerves: telling people that the joke is not funny anymore and they continue doing it

Most visited website: it’s either Tumblr or youtube

Hair color: black!

Long or short hair: short, kinda like Korra’s hair

Do you have a crush on someone: do famous people count? yes

What do you like about yourself: how curious I am, I’m always reading shit about science or space.

Want any piercings: ugh yeah my eyebrow

Blood type: I don’t know LMAO I don’t really care

Nicknames: Lesbian goddess by a friend of mine bc I’m always like, this girl is so cute i lOVE HER and shit and because I am ALWAYS talking about women

Relationship status: single and honestly better that way

Zodiac: Virgo

Pronouns: she/her 

Favorite tv shows:  b99, Voltron, Wynonna Earp, Supergirl season 1, but I love the episodes where mon-el is either yeetED into space, or leaving :)

Tattoos: I’M GETTING ONE THIS MONTH OF SUPERGIRL’S COMIC CREST 

right or left handed: right handed

Ever had surgery: yes when I was a kid I was playing and fell into a sharp corner and hit my chin and it literally fell and I had to get it stitched back lmao I was crazy back then obsfianfdbsbfirwh

Piercings or ear piercings: nope

Sport: I love playing sports with my friends! I was also in kickboxing for two and a half years.

Vacation: Look I live in the Canary Islands and the only place I’ve gone is Madrid for Camila Cabello’s concert

More general

Eating: sushi

Drinking: monster (I’m always drinking monster or coffee tbh)

About to watch: rewatch Legend Of Korea or Supergirl s3 but I don’t want to see Sanvers breaking up I spent a fucking week crying over them and I still do sometimes

Waiting for: death and Marvel’s Spiderman which is 5 dAYS AWAY 

Want: good grades and get to study what I really want (it’s great that this is my last high school year)

Get Married: meh I mean, if it’s with the right person

Career: Editing videos and pictures a photographer or a special effects thing y’know

Which is better

Hugs or and kisses

Lips or eyes

Shorter or taller 

Older or younger I don’t really care about it

Nice arms or stomach

Hookup or relationship

Troublemaker or hesitant In between

Have you ever

Kiss a stranger: yess

Drunk hard liquor: yeeeessss

Lost glasses: nope, I’m really careful with my glasses.

Turned someone down: yes bc the girl was creepy as fuck

Sex on first date: nah

Broken someone’s heart: shit I don’t think so

Had your heart broken:  yes

Been arrested: almost, I was partying with my friends on the beach and we were smoking the night of San Juan (they light up fireworks and shit and people usually gather in the beach) and a cop went near us but we managed to hide our m*ria. Look 

Cried when someone died: yesss

Fallen for a friend: sadly yes

Do you believe in…

Yourself: sometimes 

Miracles: nope

Love at first sight: eeeew not really, bc love at first sight is only liking the body of the person (idk if I'm explaining myself, lmao sorry)

Santa Clause: when I was a kid

Kiss on the first date: yeeeess

Angels: have yo seen Chyler Leigh ?? yES I DO

Others

Best friend’s name: Lili*na

Eye color: Black 

Favorite movie: Logan fucks me up, Tomb Raider (all of them, both Jolie’s and Vikander’s, Infinity War even tho it fucks me up, Justice League bc of Amber’s Mera, Thor: Ragnarok bc Valkyrie and Hela??? cold beat my gay ass, Spiderman HOCO bc Zendaya and Laura Harrier??? yes please, Suicide Squad bc Margot Robbie makes me feel so freaking gay and also The Greatest Showman :)

Favorite actors: Madchen Amick ( alice cooper on riverdale) have y’all SEEN HER JESS CHRIST, Elizabeth Olsen, Tessa Thompson, Lucy Liu, Madelaine Petsch, Vanessa Morgan, Katie McGrath, Lauren German, Chyler Leigh, Melissa Benoist, Odette Annable, Floriana Lima, aLL THE ACTRESSES FROM ONCE UPON A TIME but the girl who plAYS ANNA MAKES ME SO FREAKING SOFT (Elizabeth Lail) 

#damn this was long as fucjk

[cloud9is007]

I was tagged my @justcallmemj, my addams family fellow-ancestor! five things you’ll find in my bag:

HALLS, random little notes/receipts/tickets from things ive gone to with friends, a broadway deck of cards from the wonderful @cinder229, a demigirl bullet journal from my wonderful social justice teacher (who is on tumblr but i dont think i should tag bc her online identity is secret gasp!), an epipen ‘cause gurl those peanut allergies are no joke

five things you’ll find in my bedroom:

(im mixing my uni room and my home home room) a cute scrapbook of memories my friend gave me, a buncha old papers from classes bc im nostalgic AF, lil trinkets that friends gave me, some books, and me. im almost always in my room lol

five things i’ve always wanted to do:

legitimately dress up in full princess garb and just BE A PRINCESS, watch TONS of broadway shows, be in supes profesh (wow im annoying) stage productions, find a hill in austria to recreate “the hills are aliiiive”, run around in an open field in the middle america? idk movies made me think it’s a magical place lmao

five things that make me feel happy:

(copying brielle sightly) music, my BUTTER friends, anyone and everyone related to the Ballinger family, broadway, and disney

five things i’m currently into:

ru-paul’s drag race season 8 (bc that’s the only season on canadian netflix), the microphone that my good buddy hannah gave me omg angel???, NOT feeling sick/tired/sad please and thanks, my ukulele, 2048 (it’s a bad addiction)

five things on my to-do list:

memorize some of my monologue for acting class, write a summary on a prose thing for english, run through choreography/harmonies for musical theatre class, SLEEP, pack my shit for the commute back to uni

1. nicknames? cloud, claudanlays, clauds, dean, claudinie, brown bitch, wife, son, and a plethora more man idk 2. gender? demigirl! 3. star sign? cancerrrr 4. height? 5′3 im p sure 5. time? 10:45pm fuckin oops 6. birthday? July 7th 7. favourite bands? i dont listen to bands LMAO 8. favourite solo artists? Ariana Grande, Hayley Kiyoko, Beyonce, Madonna, Britney, Bruno Mars 9. song stuck in my head? some song that was included in the “Bitch Perfect” medley from rpdr8 10. last movie you watched? i think it mighta been Newsies Live 11. last show you watched? rpdr season 8, ep 2 lol  12. when did i create my blog? i dont wanna go check dude!!! i put this on a past tag thing idk you can scroll  13. what do i post? reblogs of things that make me smile/i think are important! 14. last thing i googled? harley quinn costume (i was watching hillywood’s parody of suicide squad and wanted to see how accurate it was lol) 15. do you have other blogs? nope!  16. do you get asks? ive gotten some from mutuals but people dont do that anymore soo 17. why did you choose your url? my name is claudine, claudine sounds like cloud9, i was born on the seventh month on the seventh day. my dad helped me make my email when i was like 9 so there’s that hahaha. (i havent seen any of the bond movies... i guess that’s another thing on my to-do list) 18. following? 227 only apparently wow 19. followers? 204, and im sure a bunch of them are spammy ones  20. favourite colours? i believe in the equality of all colours so the RAINBOW GAY WOW 21. average hours of sleep? 6-8, sometimes 3, depends on how procrastinatey i am. 22. lucky number? 7!! honestly i love all numbers idk 23. instruments? i’m learning more piano at uni!! and i am self-taught for my uke, i took a few lessons for guitar, i did clarinet in elementary school band 24. what am i wearing? christmas pajama pants and a longsleeve striped shirt that was supposed to be an everyday use shirt but i use it as pjs 25. how many blankets i sleep with? 3 26. dream job? fulltime performer! i’d also love to direct and write things for the stage. i want to see if i can branch into videos as well  27. dream trip? i want to go errywhere with my buddies!! seriously EVERYWHERE omg 28. favourite food? my mom’s shepard’s pie is amazing 29. nationality? I was born/grew up in Canada, and my family is filipino :) 30. favourite song now? i dont think i have one rn! but last month i was SUPER OBSESSED WITH BAD LIAR BY SELENA GOMEZ, i listened to it like 60 times in one sitting im not kidding dude

i have to tag oh my! @meep23, @mmmathaniel @alittleastrophile oh maybe @meloettawiki and uhh if you are a buddy of mine and you see this you can do it too if you wanna?? if you dont wanna do it that’s cool this took more time than it shoulda

#cloud9isTAGGED #cloud9is007 #mine #tagged #tags