#That Hooman got dunked on

[tiddlesdiary]

#30 – 🙀 The HORROR! part I 🙀

Dear Diary,

I sit before the closed bedroom door willing it open with the fury of my glare but it remains closed. I have never been so furious! But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The Fat One got up extra early this morning. Even before I usually start meowing for my breakfast! He fed me and while I was eating; he began cleaning. Cleaning! Is it a holiday? It didn’t feel like a holiday. It confused me. But there he was, going through each room in the house, working away while humming merry tunes.

He spent a LOT of time cleaning the bathroom. I peeked in and he had sudsy cleaner everywhere. It smelled nasty, so I went into the Big Room and found my sunny spot. I could hear him in the kitchen squirting cleaner and wiping everything down. Then I heard him dusting. He came into the Big Room; dusting and cleaning his desk, monitor, keyboard, and mouse.

“Better watch out, Tiddles! I’ll dust you, too!”, he said, laughing. I turned my head and stared at him. I think not, Fat One.

If all this wasn’t odd enough, then the Evil Vacoom escaped its lair and began rampaging. At its angry sound, I fled to my panic space behind the washer and dryer. I listened while the Fat One battled with it back and forth repeatedly through every room in the house. Finally, he vanquished it and cast it back in its lair. Why doesn’t he do us both a favor and cast it out of the house? I’ll never understand hoomans. 😿

After his battle, he went out on the porch and smoked a cigar while drinking that brown pee with Half and Half. I came out too and found a sunny spot to lie in. Finally, everything was back to normal! But then it wasn’t. After only smoking a little of his foul cigar, the Fat One got up and told me it was time to go inside. I objected loudly, but he told me, “No guff now. Time to go inside!” I slow-walked it to the door, but he nudged me gently and told me to “Move it!”. The nerve! 😾

To my utter surprise, he went to the backroom and rolled out the bucket on wheels while holding the stick with strings at the end. He filled the bucket up with hot water and poured some evil liquid that smells vaguely like lemons but mostly like chemicals into it. Then he rolled the bucket into the bathroom, dunked the stick into it strings down, squished the water out of the strings, and began cleaning the floor.

I hate it when he does this. It makes the floor damp and sticky. It’s nasty! Fortunately, it seldom happens. I retreated to the Big Room, climbed up my cat tree, and sat in the tube at the top; staring out through the diamond cutout. He cleaned the entire place except for the Big Room. It has carpet, thank heavens.

He dumped the bucket and put it and the stick away. Then I heard him go back out on the porch. I jumped down from the cat tree and walked gingerly over the damp, sticky, gross floor, and out onto the porch. He was smoking the rest of that cigar. I found my sunny spot and plopped down.

After a bit, he shooed me inside. Then he went out the door, got into the white box with wheels, and went tearing down the driveway.

He came back a little later, lugging in several bags of groceries. I went over and inspected them. Did… Did I smell SHRIMP? I did! I meowed and begged, but he said “Noooo” and put them in the fridge. Disgusted, I sat crossly on the floor while he put the rest of the groceries away.

He then went back out and returned with flowers and a bag that had two tall, thin, green bottles. The bottles went into the refrigerator as well. The flowers went into a vase with water on the dining room table. Flowers? He never gets flowers. I jumped up onto the table to inspect them. They smelled like the outdoors! I tried to brush my head against them, but he shooed me away. What was going on?

After pulling several kinds of vegetables out of the fridge, he went to the counter. He took various leaves and tore them up in a big bowl. Then he started cutting up several different colored roots. He dumped those in the bowl; covered it, shook it, and put it in the refrigerator. Next he cut up a few onions and put them in a little covered bowl. In the fridge it went. Finally, he took two little glass cubes with holes in them out along with two long slender tapered rods. He stuck a rod in each cube and placed them on either side of the flowers. He clapped his hands together, nodded his head and said, “I think I’m ready!”.

Ready for what? I’ll say it again. What is going on, Fat One?!

By now it was my dinner time. He poured my crunchies in my bowl and I happily ate away. While I supped, he went into the bathroom. I heard the beast that eats fur running, then the shower started. It ran for a long time. So long I got concerned. Was the Fat One ok? But just as I went in the bathroom to check, the shower stopped. All pink and glistening, the Fat One got out of the shower. The sight of his body jiggling while he dried himself was disturbing, so I went back to the Big Room and relaxed.

I was starting to drowse when the Fat One came in. He was wearing new, fancy clothes, and he looked glowing and polished. So polished that I jumped down and went over to inspect. He only gets like this when it’s a holiday. Was it Turkey Day? No. No turkey was cooking. Pine Tree time? It wasn’t cold enough. What the heck is happening?! 🙀

“I’ve got something for you, Tiddles!”, he exclaimed and kneeled next to me. Before I knew it, he’d fastened something blue around my neck. I pulled my head back and scratched at it to get it off. No dice. He stood up and declared that I looked handsome in my blue bow tie. I ran from the room and hid under the bed.

It disgusted me until I saw myself in the mirror. What a sec! I sat by the mirror, turning my head back and forth. I DID look handsome! 😺 With my head held high, I trotted back to the Big Room to model for the Fat One, but he was sitting in his chair staring intently out the window. What was he looking at? With my paws on the sill, I stood on my hind legs and looked out too. I saw nothing.

Suddenly, a small black box with wheels came up the driveway. It stopped. Who could this be? The Fat One was out of his chair in a flash and out the front door. A female got out of the car and threw her arms around the Fat One as he did the same to her. Then they kissed. And not a civilised peck like the Fat One gives me, but a long, long, LOOONG one! Come up for air, Fat One, before you pass out!

I watched as the Fat One helped her get a pink suitcase and some small, pink case out of the box with wheels. Who was this female? Then she laughed. That loud, obnoxious, mule-braying laugh! SON OF A- It was that awful horse-faced female from the fishless site!!! 🙀😾

More later,

Tiddles

PS Photo for illustrative purposes only.

#humor #funny #cat #cats #feline #tiddles #tiddlesdiary