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#THIS SHIT COULD HAVE BEEN DEALT WITH SO LONG AGO BUT IM STILL SUFFERING AND STILL NEED HELP AND 2 MORE SURGERIES
malaky-nightm4r3 · 1 year
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I know you aren't supposed to trust your brain past dark
but Im having a really bad time with my brain resurfacing all the trauma I have from the past few years and just dragging it all over my thoughts and dreams lately- I wonder if brains do this to punish you for the decisions that lead up to meeting people who traumatize you. I mean. Your brain is supposed to force you to learn from your trauma so you don't get hurt again and again, and for like three years straight, though this year was very mellow, I was in and out of being surrounded by people who I can see now did basically nothing but traumatize me. I've put that aside and learned to cope. And since then, Ive started taking zero shit and learning from my mistakes. The moment people start showing red flags I can recognize, I address them, and if nothing is changing I drop that friend or acquaintance. Or I don't let in new people who I even think could be a bad influence or harmful to me and others.
But its making it even harder for me to even trust new people whatsoever. I judge newcomers too swiftly. I've only recently felt comfortable enough to speak publicly in discord servers I used to be super active in a few times at max, hiding a majority of the time like I have been for a very long time.
I don't understand people, people confuse me. The way they act, the way they think, the way they speak, its all so confusing. I can understand an individual person if Ive known them long enough- I understand the way they do things and find their actions and words familiar. I don't understand when someone I trust flips their whole opinion on everything and starts talking badly towards me, talking badly about me to others, ignoring me, laughing at me, not telling me whats wrong, when just a little bit ago they were laughing with me and including me in a lot.
I don't understand why people demand people tell the truth, but when I am honest, Im "being insensitive", "too honest", "being an asshole". Everyone told me my whole life to be honest so I am! Why do I still get in trouble? I'd get in less if I just lied and said everything you want to hear. But that's not right. I don't want to lie. I prefer telling the truth. Why is it my fault people refuse to accept it because maybe it hurts their egos?
Society pisses me off. Why is it when a bully punches you, nothing happens, but if you punch back, you're the villain? Why is it when a victim raises their voice, the abuser points at them and cries "ABUSER" "MANIPULATOR" "LIAR", and gets away with it? Why is it when someone assaults you, you get the dirty looks and are blamed for what you went through? Why are victims always the ones who are punished and left to suffer while the abusers are either ignored or supported and encouraged to continue their behavior? Why is the person with more popularity and the kinder sounding voice believed over the broken and crying one in the corner?
Why is it always victim blaming that is the go to. I've dealt with all of the shit I listed above, I was fired from a daycare job because when they found out my former coworker assaulted me, I WAS THE ONE BLAMED FOR THE SUDDEN BAD REPUTATION. I've lost friendships and ties over people believing my abusers over me, several times. I was the one serving detention because I had enough of being bullied without doing something to stand up for myself. I was pushed into doing shitty things because of the abuse I was dealing with, and yet I was still the one to blame each and every time even when I was only following the rules of the game I was living at the time.
I know I'm not alone in this. But again. Can't trust your brain past dark, can you.
Can't voice how you feel and how you're affected by your trauma so you don't hurt your abusers' egos or feelings, so you don't get hurt more because they'll attack you or tell all their friends how HORRIBLE you are and you'll be harassed by everyone they know, blah blah blah I don't care anymore. How immature can you be, to harass someone you've already hurt so badly. To obsess over them. To wish them more harm. I don't even know if half the people who've hurt me over the years even have tumblrs anymore/at all, this is directed at none of them. Don't worry. Im not fishing for trouble. I just wanted to scream my thoughts to the void, to finally let some shit out for once, to give a glimpse as to how tattered and fucked up I am after everything that was done to me, without revealing too much so people can't fucking weaponize my trauma or whatever they say happens on the internet. I just wanted. to fucking vent. Because my physical state is getting worse constantly nowadays, and my mental state is fluctuating because trauma I thought I'd dealt with and knew how to cope with is swallowing me whole and making me terrified again. Im so tired of getting hurt. I want to be able to trust people fully again. I want to feel safe.
We want to feel safe. This entire plurality shares this fucking sentiment that i just spent ranting about.
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wytfut · 2 months
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Time out PLEASE..
I do realize that as I get older, I'm going to witness more and more death and destruction. Its the nature of time, isn't it? The older a person gets, so does this persons friends.... and we all pass on or suffer some sort of catastrophic event. The odds as we get older, are piling up against us old coots.
I KNOW THIS....
But this sudden onslaught I've been a part of the past year or so, I think has been a huge jump, as in not natural. Yeah, its fate, and uncontrol able, fluke of nature.... BUT...
My experiences with fire/rescue.... I saw all of this sort of thing for years. But maybe it was abstract. I don't feel that it was. I feel I was neck deep in drive/emotion to do the right thing everytime.
But shit, its been really hard to keep "the ol chin up"....
I'll survive.. I know I will, and will be still standing with a smile on my face. But I need a time out. .... something to the tune of a nice long bike ride. Or my back healed up enough that I can tackle a project or 2.
Here's a run down of since Jan. 1 of 2023:
Excelsior Henderson Buddy AJ in Wisconsin, moved to Wisconsin to start a new job. He's in his late 50's. And he needed back surgery.
This back surgery required going thru his mouth. Abstract as it sounds.... He came out of surgery, with no use of his arms. He's a hell of a nice guy, and ends up with this result most likely to live with the rest of his life. Hang in there AJ, I'm still rooting for you..
....................
Below is Andy's story.... that his family now has to live with, with no less his large group of friends.
................
A close family to ours, lost first the father/husband about 10 years ago. Then their son Darrin about 5 years later. And now first part of December their son Doug. Mom/wife Carolyn, now is alone, other than relatives.
............
And now Toms story which is below also. His fight with brain cancer, his wife with Alzheimer's. His story started this past July.
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Buddy Lester has been battling a staph infection he apparently got from way back in the 70's. His battle has included skin grafts, and soon bone grafting of sorts. This has been going on for months now, with him pretty laid up. 1 year older than I...
.................
Another buddy here in Waverlyville, has been battling prostrate cancer. It won't let go, and he has given up the chemo battle. Now treating with hormones, and it appears that the hormones are holding it at bay... Hang in there Steve!!
.............
Quick edit.... just found out my sister Patti (same name as my Wife) is going to have open heart surgery within the next few weeks, due to a bad heart valve. Intended goal to replace with modified cow valve.... She rightly so has some concerns.....
...........
There are others, no less minute in tragedy.... that have been on going for some time now. And they with their battles keep on keeping on.
..........
Is it that I'm too sensitive to these type of events? Or do I care too much? Do I get too attached to people I meet. Maybe I'm surrounded with just an enormous amount of good folks?
I'm not a religious person by any means. I do not want to discuss it here and now.... as I'm pretty sure I can't explain how I operate. I do not feel like I'm a "lost soul". But if there is a deity that delves out such horror to so many good people..... blah blah blah...
............
I'll take what ever is dealt to me in life... including this. But by golly I could use a break. How about we throttle back at least a little bit, no need to run at "red line" all the time. Something back closer to "normal".... lol, whats normal?
Everyone.... hug your kids/favorite person. Make sure they wear their seat belts. Don't run with scissors. Don't aim any guns at anyone, empty or not. Don't put out grease fires with water. Don't stand in water when around electricity. Put new batteries in your carbon monoxide detectors. Look both ways when you cross the street. ..... now Im giggling.
Get old they said. It'll be fun they said. Maybe I'm not mentally old enough yet....
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coridallasmultipass · 4 years
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Tmi / personal / endometriosis and menstrual issues / surgery / long post / venting ... I finally had a laparoscopic surgery done yesterday and they were able to confirm for me that i have endometriosis and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted! All my fucking life ive dealt with excruciating cramps and heavy bleeding during menstruation and i just wish i could go back in time and give a big 'fuck you' to everyone who ever told me "cramps are like this for everyone!" Or "just exercise, it helps!" Or "orgasms help with cramping!" Like hooooooh boy I knew it and im so glad to have all the cysts out of me now. I had previously tried numerous birth control options to prevent cramping and bleeding and got excruciating cramps with literally All of them and constant bleeding with the depo shot. (I had a very painful internal ultrasound done, to hopefully diagnose endo by that route, but it was inconclusive - variations in the thickness of the endometrium, which could be endo or it could just be normal...) Most recent birth control was an iud and i had to go to the er the same evening because my body couldnt stand to have it in there causing so much pain, i couldnt stop screaming and it sucked. The iud was a few weeks ago ((and the proceedure to insert it was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life, and the same sharp pain continued through the following days until i got it removed) and i havent been able to sit straight since, i have to keep sitting to one side in order to not feel like having an ice pick jammed in me. Its gotten better since the iud was removed, but i still get a sharp pain when i have to sit on something hard. My doctor recommended me to have a diagnostic laparoscopy with cystectomy ASAP because of the iud problems and all my failed birth control attempts. Everyone in my family freaked out and kept pushing me to not go through with it, but I knew i needed to know what was causing me so much pain, like tbh, as a trans man, id prefer just a straight up hysterectomy, but yknow either way this is a step in that direction anyway. I have an aunt who had to have the same proceedure twice because of complications, and kept telling me her horror story about how painful recovery was and i was like 'trust me its not going to be worse than an iud because i thought i was dying' and she blew me off like 'its going to be wAY worse' like uh no bc an iud was 666/10 on the pain scale for me, i genuinely thought i was dying or would have a heart attack with how bad the pain was; plus ive had surgeries before and was completely fine after... Anyway fuck what my family said i went through with it anyway and it wasnt that bad of a proceedure to wake up from! My first thought was 'oh no, did they hospitalize me? I feel like ive been asleep for weeks!!' But it was just the recovery room. Ive usually done pretty well with recovery, and this was no different. The worst part of the recovery room was the sensation of needing to cough from where they had inserted the breathing tube for anesthesia. (Today my throat is still a bit sore, and my voice hoarse, but warm mint tea has been helping a lot for that.) I was also feeling cramps similar to mild-moderate menstrual cramping, (no where near the sharp shooting pain of the iud, and no where near my normal, unmedicated cramping which has had me doubled over screaming in pain until the medicine kicks in in the past), and of course a bit of soreness from the incision sites and the general soreness of having gas trapped in my body. (They have to pump a bit of gas inside you so its easier to look around, and some of it stays trapped in you after.) Its a pain similar to what ive felt before just from my fibromyalgia in general, so i was very relieved for the most part. I also felt myself bleeding a bit while i was still in the recovery room. (Gross and tmi, but im still having a spot of blood only when i wipe today, so thats a relief after having been bleeding a majority of the days over the past few months trying different BC options.) Strangely, when i got home i didnt feel groggy or in need of a nap like i have for surgeries in the past. I was also warned of having nausea from the anesthesia, but i had none at all!! And i was warned by multiple sources that i wouldnt have an appetite, but boy i ate almost Everything in the kitchen yesterday im pretty sure ive gone through a whole box of protein bars since yesterday too. Multiple sources (including my family member who had the same proceedure) warned of a sudden bad mood drop immediately after the proceedure, And i dont wanna jinx it, but I have been in such a good fucking mood since i got home yesterday, but maybe thats just the painkillers talking, but still I was at a total low point, like, cant-get-any-lower low point in terms of mood, but i just... feel so good (besides the aching and incision site pain lmao) On to the pain now... The worst of it was waking up this morning after the surgery day. I had quite a bit of the trapped gas pain when i first lied down at night (and when i tried to lie on my side) but the feeling doubled when i tried to get up. Im very bloated still. While the bloating itself isnt very painful, it feels like the stretching of my stomach is pulling at the medical tape covering my incisions which is making them hurt. Im not getting the trapped-gas-roaming-my-body feeling As Often, but its obviously still trying to dissipate. I feel it most while trying to take a deep breath like a bubble pressing against my ribs, but easing a deep breath slowly in and out moves it around and makes it less uncomfortable. Light exercise, like slow walking, is supposed to help your body absorb/dissolve/release the trapped gas. So i did 5 minutes on, 5 off for 3 times on the slowest treadmill setting earlier and im going to try again tomorrow for the same. (I feel like it made my bloating worse, so i had to go back to resting after, but ive been getting up and down to get food for my insatiable appetite lmao) Now the actual tmi and gross stuff: It is really fucking hard to pee. Straight up i have to concentrate so hard. Normally i lean over on my arm to help push it all out at once, but i cant do that with the incisions over my belly lmao. Shitting is just as hard, but the Shit Gods have blessed me with the Antibiotic Runs this morning so im all set for today lmao. Im really bummed tho they put a bandage over where my belly piercing is supposed to go, so i couldnt put it back in after the surgery. The whole, not being able to bend over thing, is reminding me of what its like to have a fresh belly piercing, and im groaning bc im gonna have to go thru with it again to get it back.... and i feel like i jUSt got it done... (it was summer last year) ughhhhhh.... oh well, like at least this time it should go in straight i hope? Also, obligatory vent that... having a fucking uterus does not make me a woman i wish doctors and nurses would use gender neutral language... TLDR; had a laparoscopic surgery to diagnose endometriosis and remove the uterine cysts caused by it, having a great recovery so far!! Still waiting on follow up from the doctor for my next step, but im feeling a lot better than when i was suffering cramps from every birth control i tried to get Rid of cramps
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The (very troublesome) unification of Vere/Akielos
@exy-king @time-limit what is politics LOL,,, Im just going to answer this relatively paragraph by paragraph to keep it simple and I’ll also point out im not familiar with Australian history so if anything I say clashes then my bad lol
Delpha would definitely have to go under independent rule for several main reasons: 
Like you said, Vere and Akielos need to compromise and hold Delpha equally so there isn’t an underlying power struggle of “well THIS country has more land” blah blah blah 
Delpha is an area that has already dealt with forced intermixing (if im remembering correctly) So the people of Delpha would probably accede to the idea of independence rather than secede back and forth between the two countries. 
^^This means the people of Delpha appreciate their King’s independence which leads to one less civil war having to be worried about
I see Delpha as the beginning of city-states in Akielos and Vere especially if it will still be under rule of the King’s just advised by a council
(^^Nikandros will probably be put in charge of this council. Not only would it make sense because he is definitely one of the more higher ranked men in the kingdom, has served at Kingsmeet and as a Kyroi, and showed substantial loyalty to the King of Akielos it is the only fair political move that I can see being made for Nikandros? Like, yes Nikandros loves Damen but realistically after all the bullshit he was put through to have someone else be given that power.....BIG YIKES. Because we gotta remember Nikandros is a born bred noble/politician, loyalty to a king can really only be pushed so far)
The more public intermixing of cultures would be very healthy for other areas of the two countries to see, plus the fact that Delpha is a more wealthy land would show strong trade and power. With the right address, Laurent/Damen could make it seem like Delpha is so powerful because the kingdoms/people are combined
Avoiding Mutiny 101
Laurent and Damen would both have to immediately address the insurrection of both The Regent and Kastor:
The Regent: Pretty simple honestly? He has done a lot of damage but many veretian (and akielon) soldiers/nobles and the council witnessed the evidence against The Regent’s betrayal. Laurent would just have to have it written in the books (history/veretian newsletter??) What happened and the evidence behind it. Once it is made absolutely public that The Regent is the reason King Aleron died, and his mutiny against Crown Prince Laurent, like almost anything he has said will be put to deep shame along with anyone who still agrees to it. “Did you hear prince Laurent did this-” “That’s just what The Regent wanted us to believe. He also said Akielos was the cause of our King’s Death.” So now not only is Laurent in the clear (for the most part, it will always be a gradual step-by-step) but Akielos is no longer being held responsible for the death of their king. So basically what Laurent is gonna need to do is exactly what The Regent was gonna do to Laurent: shit talk the fuck out of him. (Honestly?? Yaaaaaass) 
Kastor: A lot of people are gonna be like “damen would never crap-talk his brother bc Kastor was family!!” like....thats great and true and all but politically that’s not going to work in Damen’s favor and knowing Laurent he is gonna wanna get this done asap. It will need to be made public that Kastor attempted to kill Damen (The originally plan seemed to be: Damen is framed for Laurent’s murder (if he doesn’t actually attempt to kill the surly fucker), and is then put on trial and killed for treason). That’s definitely murder/treason by proxy. More people sway to Damen side, let everyone know he killed King Theomedes (who everyone seemed to respect) and Kastor’s supporters diminish by quite a bit. 
Running a country is all about keeping the lower/working class people in a desired group mindset and you usually do that by having a hero, a victim, and a villian (having the reg ppl be the victims earns brownie points)
In the beginning both countries are going to to have people who dislike their own rulers, and then have the other monarch to top it off. So while the real work is slowly getting done, the first few months would have to be complete slander towards those who opposed Laurent/Damen (think of an Ad Hominem type of politics) 
Delpha flourishes and Marlas...gains a Palace??
First of all...........idk WHERE the money comes from so i’m just going to assume that both Akielos and Vere have no money issues whatsoever (im SHOOK,,Vere literally just lost a war and land like 6 years ago so???????)
YES Laurent and Damen are canonly building a palace in Marlas (see: The Summer Palace). I’m gonna shoot for the stars and say that it will be similar to what King Louis XIII did when he built Versailles (WHICH WAS VERY EXPENSIVE so that’s why I’m confused because it seemed that maybe a year at most had went by and Damen/Laurent were already building a new palace that would have to include both Veretian and Akielan style/aesthetic, I can’t imagine that being cheap and so I assume the people if Vere/Akielos could become angry at this. Seeing new Kings, one of them you probs dont trust, spend a bunch on a palace?? YIKES) BUT, it has been done before in history. 
^^^I can see the palace being built being acceptable by 
Already having the funds to build it
Using the building of the Marlas Palace to have artists/architects from Akielos and Vere work together
It creates jobs for the people!
^^^Slavery has already been abolished
The Palace is a good idea dont get me wrong. Mixing architecture, having a Palace in the middle of the two countries, and showing off both countries wealth is great for morale......But to do it within a year of power? *long whistle*
But hey i guess if Delpha is working out and they use most of the economic stability being granted from that city-state? Not to shabby
tbh im kinda pissy that i dnt kno more about the working class of Vere/Akielos
King’s Rising? No! Emperor's Rising!!
If you look at European geography, countries with monarchies are SMALL! The more bigger countries that had monarchies didn’t even really carry that title (Austrian-Hungary Empire)
Akielos and Vere uniting would make WAY to large a country to run, two King’s or not it would be way to overwhelming in a country where the people still didn’t totally get along. 
It’s difficult bc unfortunatley iphones dont exist, and, imagine an enemy country having their troops fight a war on opposite ends of Vere and Akielos: communication is going to be so important and having a messenger travel back and forth like 500-1000 miles for news?? Lmao thats hilarious
“Calling from Arles: We need support. STOP” 
 “Calling From Ios: We need support. STOP” 
middle man Marlas is like “well we only have enough troops right now for one place so who needs it more???” 
And then three weeks goes by. THATS TERRIBLE
Fast communication is essential during war. Its a main reason why the first form a telecommunication was created (see: American Civil War Morse code telegraphs)
Vere/Akielos would def need to become an empire. 
I can see this working best by removing a monarchy and switching to an empire form of ruling while then creating city-states (This is how The Roman Empire and Ancient Greece worked--lots of city states--but Laurent/Damen would have to make it work under one rule. 
god that sounds like so much messy work that would take so much time BUT THEY GOTTA WORK FAST
mainly bc i think Laurent woudln’t trust anyone to continue their work after they die so he would be up in everyone’s business like “chop chop you fuckers” 
This is looking to have very little free time for Damen/Laurent
Soldiers/Money/Communication
Money is definitely the first thing to address. It is what makes the world go round fam. Its why servants work. Its why Akielos had slaves: to save money
again if slavery was abolished than Akielos just lost a lot of money and therefore where did Palace money come from? Delpha? A large loan they took from banks? did they tell their people they took that loan? If the palace starts a deficit Laurent/Damen are fucked
Training soldiers together is a great way to intermix the people. I think building multiple training grounds across Akielos/Vere and forcing the soldiers to interact and work together. 
What’s really good for an economy, forces soldiers to fight for each other, and also could destroy nasty internal nationalism? A WAR!!
Laurent and Damen are gonna have to pick fights with other countries outside Patras/Vask (and do this after they stabilize alliances with Patras/Vask
Let me tell you about M.A.I.N.
To unite their people and start and win a war they will need to:
Glorify the military as a way to draft more soldiers (Akielos already seems to have a glorified military so wee)
Showcase Alliances: “Vere and Akielos will protect each other!” “Our alliances with Patras/Vask are stronger bc of Vere/Akielos uniting!” Obligation to fight if allied nation does, shit like that
Imperialism: steal land for trade?? idk this one isnt that important unless you can think of how it can be useful
Nationalism!!: THIS IS A BIG DEAL!!! Nationalism is and always will be a current issue. Nationalism and Religion are the two main big reasons a war happens. Vere/Akielos both suffer from obvious nationalism. (Please keep in mind that Nationalism in M.A.I.N. is not friendly competition. Its a very unhealthy and intense devotion to a country and leads to xenophobia). By having a war, Vere/Akielos can be like “Look at this other country we are fighting. We are much better than that stupid, pathetic, country. Let’s unite and fight and take!! (there’s the imperialism!). 
Language of the people!
FUCK ME
this is some shit that won’t be fixed immediately 
Veretian and Akielon will both have to be taught (do they have schools?? im pissy again) 
People will have to learn the languages in their own way. 
If soldiers are forced to intermingle and fight together it will quicken the learning
The common people will be the reason new phrases and words will combine and a new language will be created
If the kingdom/empire tries to prioritze a language it will piss a lot of people off (cause nationalism) so common people mixing the language into creating an entire new one for the united country is the main way I could see this working out
Marriage and Heirs!
I know you said this was a whole other bag of cats but its a VERY IMPORTANT bag of cats
Uniting in marriage is a very common way of uniting/creating alliances. 
It doesn’t always bring the people together BUT if the marriage works and the politics move swimmingly and the heir becomes beloved (in our world, if it was a male heir it was like FUUUUUCKK YAAAASS QUEEN) it can create a really strong bond!
If you have an heir
Smudge that idea away all you want it is the main reason for marriage alliances. 
Im not kidding if the couple didn’t produce an heir the alliance could collapse 
i can’t stress this enough like not just politically this was/is a HUGE deal to the common people too
So Damen and Laurent get married. Now they have united their kingdom through marriage, yay! Step one complete
Now they need an heir. 
NOT JUST ANY HEIR
The point is to mix Country A and Country B
so let’s look at it this way:
Damen has an heir. It can be from Jokaste or a Vaskian woman doesn’t matter 
It has to be Damen. Maybe Akielos won’t care who the mother is bc that’s their culture but we need to worry about Vere’s culture too now. 
If Damen chooses an heir that’s Akielon or a Vaskian, it will probably be more of an insult to the Veretian people if anything. 
There’s...no Veretian bloodline...where is Vere’s stability?? 
This means, going by history that if Damen doesn’t have an heir that’s half Veretian........the marriage is honestly kind of moot 
Damen will have to eventually have a child with a Veretian woman (noble, most likely). That doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll have to marry her. I think They could get around that by claiming the baby as “not a bastard bc the mother is a surrogate” 
BUT YEAH heirs are super important so that’s honestly how I see it needing to go
YEP its long sorry about that. My main knowledge of history is Ancient Greek/Roman and French history (Which was before i read capri believe it or not) so that’s what this stuff is heavily based on along with other histories too of course. 
Hope I helped and sorry if it’s confusing or somthing and totally hmu again if you have more questions/wanna keep talkin bout this <<33
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amourete-blog1 · 7 years
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(( [throws confetti] MORE LOGS! next up: feelings, with a side of more feelings and animal puns.
tagging: @sugary-empress​ @caepaecaesurae​ @hereticalsym69ls​  @roseredmutant​ @carnivalsorphans
context: feli is a little less angry bc lil sensed her anger and xanthe just Knows so they cuddled her until she Chilled, then this first message came in
begin log:
sugary-empress I want to talk tomorrow, but I know you don't, so feel free to tell me to fuck off.
aberrantcadenza If you're really fine with me being biased as fuck, sure. I'm stepping back for *your* sake, not mine.
sugary-empress I mean, I guess that makes sense, considering that I'm the one hurt by this kinda stuff. Don't get me wrong, you have a stake, but it isn't like mine.
Why are lowbloods allowed to react violently and horrifically because of their past but I'm not.
aberrantcadenza ... With that topic, yes, I feel okay talking. Do you... want to talk now, or tomorrow?
sugary-empress You seemed upset, I figured it could wait. On the other hand, that just spreads out being upset across multiple nights.
aberrantcadenza I'll live. I always do. My anger issues don't go away, they just get set off by the smallest things, and then I need to rein them in. It's a constant battle and that won't change. Are you prepared to talk now, and do you want to?
sugary-empress I'm always prepared for talking about this kinda shit
aberrantcadenza :33 Well hey, I'm alright with it then. Uh... But first. I'm sorry I kind of lashed out at you. I recognize that was wrong of me - I'm *hoping* you didn't feel it, but the intention was there, and it shouldn't have been. I'm working on not engaging when I know I'm emotionally compromised. I'll do better next time.
sugary-empress I know this next part is gonna sound bitter and emotionally manipulative but it's totally sincere, I swear I'm used to people wanting me to suffer in perpetuity for what I've done, I'm trying not to make it be a big deal
aberrantcadenza I want to say I understand, but I know I don't - that's why we're here. So... I'll take it in stride. You have my word.
sugary-empress Anyways. What's up with reacting like that to a discussion about horrible things. Like, you know what I was thinking about when I posted that, right
aberrantcadenza I don't presume to know anything. I'm not privy to your thoughts.
sugary-empress So you know nothing, but enough for you to believe your commentary was insightful and/or necessary. It was about this troll who's been hurting Cae for something he did for an insignificant fraction of his existence and has regretted ever since, and it was about my matesprit's horrible timeline, where indigos horns are cut off and they're enslaved, and my alternate has been panwashed and enslaved and used as a false moirail for the person in charge. It wasn't a slave being mean to me and hurting my delicate little feelings. It was you people being hurt and ruining people's lives, forever I do that too but everyone knows it's bad why is it even up for debate
aberrantcadenza ... Yeah.
sugary-empress I'm sorry I know it's not you every time, it's Lil, or even Xanthe, but you're here and Lil blocked me
aberrantcadenza Most of why I spoke wasn't even directed at you, which added to why I stopped and stepped back when I caught myself doing it. Should have done that sooner - will next time. It was more directed at Cae. If something is happening to him, no, I wasn't privy to it. All I know is his kismesis is a former slave and personally I find it kind of distressing that he joins a conversation enough to "show support" but not enough to actually make up his mind. No, it's okay. I promise it's fine. These are the kind of discussions I ought to be having if I'm in any way engaging in these topics. Thank you, actually, for that.
sugary-empress Cae is admittedly annoyingly good at playing both sides But having an alternate universe pop up where the dude who's been hassling you had you branded is pretty unsettling He doesn't have any solid social capital anymore, it's not like he's actually still a highblood in practice, he just acts douchey enough that he seems like it
aberrantcadenza Yeah, I'll agree with that wholeheartedly.
sugary-empress Idk I'm protective of him bc he's like the ideal end goal for me lmao
aberrantcadenza :00 That... makes a lot of sense.
sugary-empress Yeah? I usually don't, so that's cool
aberrantcadenza Pff. No, I think you make a lot more sense than people chalk you up to, often... I'm sorry about that.
sugary-empress Mm. It's not a huge deal, all things considered
aberrantcadenza It's really hard to get passed over and get people acting like you don't know what you're talking about, especially if they don't stop to explain or try to understand.
sugary-empress I. Yeah
aberrantcadenza ... I'm one of those "I don't want people to suffer as I have" sort of trolls. So... if you ever want to talk to me, to clarify things like this, I'll try to listen. If it's a bad time I'll let you know.
sugary-empress Me too. Which I know seems questionable But I feel like that too, I'm just bad at identifying suffering correctly. Alphas have weird emotions.
aberrantcadenza I'm trying to believe trolls can be good, despite everything, so I'm taking you at face value. Anyone can see you've made great strides, and I haven't even known you that long.
sugary-empress Thanks, dear *Felide
aberrantcadenza :33 Thank you. I don't mind the affectionate names so much now... If you want to use them, it's fine. Anything except "kitten."
sugary-empress Oh, gross, I wouldn't call you that anyways Reminds me too much of Dualscar and babe
aberrantcadenza G od help us all.
sugary-empress 3XP
aberrantcadenza X33 Thank you. Very much.
sugary-empress I really appreciate you? As a person and a concept and this conversation is good
aberrantcadenza It is! And I'm really glad we had it. And that I was able to like, you know... chill the fuck out without actually hurting anyone. The line between "righteous anger" and "harmful anger" is so thin and I step over it far too often.
sugary-empress Don't we all That's a natural trollish thing But it's good that you know
aberrantcadenza Even for you? :??
sugary-empress Duh??? Especially for me???????
aberrantcadenza :00 ! I didn't know that, catually.
sugary-empress I've been t)(e one pus)(ing to fucking murder t)(e overseer O)( )(ey, quirk's back, cool
aberrantcadenza Idk, that seemed purrety righteous to me. XPP
sugary-empress But I'm not someone w)(o does somefin )(alfway If I feel rig)(teous stuff you know I feel evil stuff
aberrantcadenza "Go hard or go home": Extreme persian.
sugary-empress I wanted to kill Lil for wanting me to abandon Xant)(e, and I got super close to t)(at TRUUUUUU-E
aberrantcadenza :?? Wait what?
sugary-empress I'm sorry, not wanting me to abandon Xant)(e, just wanting to abandon Xant)(e, I can't type
aberrantcadenza Yikes DD: !
sugary-empress )(e decided )(e couldn't )(andle Xant)(e being )(urt and traumatized and so I s)(oal do it alone Fortunately I eventually got )(im to talk to Xant)(e again but I was so fucking mad
aberrantcadenza He said that??
sugary-empress Yea)(, lmao Sorry I forgot not ebberyone knows stuff aboat fins
aberrantcadenza :(( Wow, that's... jeez. When was this? If I might ask.
sugary-empress It was rig)(t after I rescued Xant)(e Idk I guess I can get being overw)(elmed but it sucked at t)(e time since I'd like, never done anyfin good before and suddenly I )(ad an -Enormous Fin and I didn't even get kelp at first I'm just w)(iny, I'm sorry It's w)(at anyone woulda done, I don't get an award, )(a)(a
aberrantcadenza :?? But you weren't saying anything about that. This is... massive, yes. Very much. And if it's something you hadn't any purrsonal experience with, that's even bigger. Like maybe... ten trolls stacked on end, maybe fifteen, if a normal purroblem like this is like... five. That's a weird metafur.
sugary-empress It's a great metap)(or and I glub it
aberrantcadenza ... I was really overwhelmed when I learned about it too. And scared. And I've *dealt* with things like this, this is... basically my life. And his, and all our family. Many of my lovers too. And seeing him like he was... That's fucking scary. I don't blame you at all.
sugary-empress )(ow long after did you even get to sea )(im )(e wouldn't let me contact )(is family until )(e was a lot better
aberrantcadenza I didn't meet him again until a couple purrigees ago. I only learned about it maybe... two weeks or so before we killed her.
sugary-empress Yea)( I usually see )(ow muc)( better )(e is from t)(e first nig)(t I saw t)(em, and I forget )(ow muc)( worse )(e still is compared to before... I'm sorry t)(is )(arpooned
aberrantcadenza It doesn't look like it could be helped. Trolls take and take and take... and it's inevitable, really, at the end of the night. ... But the thought is apurreciated. I'm glad you were able to help him. I don't think he could have been in safpurr grabbers.
sugary-empress 38( Cod, I'm sorry I'm saying feelings at you Wtf w)(o aut)(orized t)(ose??? Illegal
aberrantcadenza Feelings? Disgusting. Illegal, I agree. XPP No, it's good, this is... really good. Thank you.
sugary-empress You're welcome It's fucking midday and I've got a morning meeting, not like, ungodly early morning, but still, I otter sleep I'm glad we glubbed 38)
aberrantcadenza Me too! :DD Good luck with your meetfin!
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wildlove836 · 7 years
Text
2017
wow. okay. when I said 2016 fuck me up I didnt mean literally. 
but god damn, once again I’ve rung in the new year heartbroken as can be, but wait there’s more. I fell in love with someone. he’s somehow worse than the last guy and hell I love him a thousand times more.
I’ve dealt with so much shit this year. I’m in a relationship with a drug addict. I didnt know it until about 3 months ago. I mean I knew, but I didnt know. 
He asked me to marry him literally the 3rd day we spent together. no I didnt say yes, but apparently I did because now hes calling me his fiance n shit. I ‘lost’ my virginity to this guy. It sounds fucked up but it isnt as bad as it seems. or maybe it is and I still have a long way to go before I figure it all out.
I think I really love him. I think he really loves me. But people keep telling me he’s going to love those little crystals more. 
I’ve seen some shit. My humdrum life has done a fucking tail spin in the last 6 months. I went from a full tank of gas and watching netflix all day to $1.43 in my bank account and needles hidden in the dresser drawers.
I’ve seen junkies, I’ve had shit stolen. I’ve watched him physically and mentally change without even noticing.
I’ve been choked and pushed and bruised and screamed at. I’ve done the same things back in a rage I didnt know I was capable of.
I’ve heard stories from child hood that make no sense but make perfect sense and I know I cant change the past but I’d very much like to.
I smoked weed and that shit was great at first but now its the only way I cant really talk to you, it seems. you told me that wasnt it but trust me. i’m too afraid to tell you the truth when we’re not...chill.
I’ve cried and screamed and walked away. I’ve waited hours upon hours for you to call. I havent slept and I’ve slept too much. I had a real panic attack for the first time in my life.
I’ve sat in the ER with you for 6+ hours after you crashed your car from being on adderall. I watched you literally mentally and physically break down in the pizza hut parking lot while normal fucking people watched and wondered what the fuck they could do for you and I just sat there next to you counting change from your pockets because you lost the receipts.
im sorry. i lost them somehow. who fucking knows. i’ll take the blame for it though if thats what I have to do.
i walked across train tracks wondering if maybe my foot my get caught while you told me you were addicted to sex and of course I should have already known this but surprise I didnt. its still my fault though.
we missed trick or treat with your daughter because you were on acid.
then the other day you brought her to my house and slept the whole time. you said what does it matter my parents see me taking her out of the house. well what the fuck do you care right. if you’re playing the part of dad. you son of a bitch. i love that girl and I know you do too but you better try harder. you better or you’ll lose faster if you have her.
I’ve seen you coming down down down. with a knife in your hands and the doors locked and the lights off. I’ve watched cops drive by thinking you were already dead.
I’ve had the best sexual experiences with you and only you. I got drunk and gave you a blow job after knowing I’d never have a dick in my precious mouth.
you called me perfectly imperfect for a while, now that i’ve lost my innocence you call me your miracle. these days I feel like a burden. enabler is the word i’m trying not to say because I know its the truth. but i didnt know. i swear i didnt.
and not in the fucking physical sense. i’m not giving him money or anything like that. im stressing him the fuck out. BUT FUCK HE NEVER MAKES ANY SENSE. and im stressed out too. doesnt anybody see that?
everybody knows him like I know him now. a fucking mind fuck. this little twat can turn a sentence around on you so quick you’re wondering what you even said in the first place. this mother fucker can have you so god damn confused you’re rethinking your whole life.
he does it on purpose. I think so he feels more normal on the inside. the only question I have is, was it the meth that brought it out of him or was it destined to come out eventually on its own. the crazy will never subside and I must admit that’s what somehow attracts me to him.
feeling like a complete dumbass after every conversation we have. BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS. he’ll say, like I already knew it. and then i’ll realize I did already know it. he was telling me all along, but in his own way. like a secret language. and I cant fucking afford the rosetta stone for crazy talk.
half the relationship i spend KNOWING this shit isnt right for me and here i am thinking i have to do this i have to do this but i still dont know what love is. its breaking the god damn futton i know. 
there’s no doubt about what i feel but really is it worth it. will he kill me. will i kill him. ive done things i never thought i would do. ive seen things i never thought i would see. the world is my fucking oyster over here. anything is possible. anything can happen. anything.
regardless, here I am. alone and wondering what hes doing. if he’s okay. a thousand and one fucking questions because he doesnt have a phone for me to call. and somehow now it feels like its my fault. it is my fucking fault and im crying a lot right now because of it. and im alone. so he can calm down. but i cant calm down without him. i need him. i need him. I NEED HIM. and im going insane worrying and wondering and crying and feeling okay for a little while.
now im just mad because hes okay without me. hes okay. and im not okay. it isnt fair. FUCK YOU. it isnt fair. do you even love me? DO YOU EVEN CARE. DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME. duh.
WHY DID I QUIT MY FUCKING JOB. I had what I needed. besides clarity and sanity so fuck, you cant blame me. hes been driving me insane since he spotted me.
but I know he fucking loves me. crazy people dont fuck around with shit like that. if they mean it they mean it. i feel it. I know it. I love it. its the only thing I understand ever. is my love for him. is it true. is it real. who fucking cares. its real and its ever present and its mostly reciprocated in good and bad ways. if i could walk away from it i already would have . i swear. i already would have but i havent so get off my fucking back.
but love is hard they tell me. love is fucking hard as hell and you’ve got to suffer before you can enjoy that shit, otherwise its not worth it. I realize this is too long and i’m not gonna reread it so nobody else is probably going to read it. thats okay. i needed to get it down on ‘paper’ just in case.
god just fucking pray for me or something. every time I feel like something is going to get worse it does okay. I had people burning up spoons in the trailer we were supposed to live in just to shoot up heroin and I was too busy making sure my boyfriend wasnt killing himself in a shed to realize. 
old dude (thats what they call people in fairdale) literally over dosed in the bed that was supposed to be mine. in the bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I cant say anything about it? I CANT SAY ONE GOD DAMN WORD ABOUT IT?
nah because bf is too nice to people who ‘care’ to realize what they’re really doing in the big picture. she put her clothes in the closet that was supposed to be mine. mine. FUCKING MINE. but i cant be mad because shes homeless and has cancer. what a fucking lifetime movie. I DIDNT NEED THIS TO KNOW I WAS A SELFISH PERSON. I ALREADY KNEW. I’M GOOD AT HIDING IT. I WANT MY CLOSET SPACE BACK. I see drug abuse and friendship and something strikes me as sketchy. OMG. and dont get me started on the cheating.
he cheats on me. he puts his dick inside his best friend while they’re fucked up on whatever. they tell me she says no everytime he asks but this time she didnt. oh wow. what a perfect picture of a life im stuck in. what a romantic gesture. WHAT A FUCKING ROMANTIC COMEDY OF LIFE. i can keep my perfect pussy to myself and he cant go one fucking day without trying to put his dick in something. I WILL BUY YOU A FUCKING GRAPEFRUIT TO FUCK IF THAT WILL KEEP YOUR DICK OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE.
he says hes taking a shit when he goes over there but he takes a shit every time and they’re long shits. idk if its to fuck or whatever but its for sure about drugs. drugs that tear people apart and keep the glued together and they’re fucking ripped seams. god this sounds like fucking trash and it is. it literally is. and I know it but I cant do a damn thing about it because I love this trash. hes not trash. but he acts like it.
I know he’s not trash because somehow he has it all figured out. its like his autistic niche is seeing into the future and knowing for god damn sure that something is going to turn out the way it is but he wont fucking tell me. just straight up tell me the truth. 
naaaah. that’d be too logical. he’d rather tell me the alternative lie. to keep me safe. HA. OKAY FROM WHAT. my life is so fucked up now.
needless to say 2016 has royally fucked me up. there’s probably a shit ton of stuff I forgot to mention and I should of because this is my collective fuck up recap but oh well. its not the last of it anyway. I know that for damn sure. 
I just hope that when we get married or whatever the fuck next big thing happens in our lives. I hope it balances out the bad shit. because the bad shit is getting really hard to deal with. like really hard. like my hands are shaking  sometimes hard and i feel like i cant kill myself because even in death i’d be worried about you and its nobodys fault but its our fault. 
I know it is. he’s not even supposed to be in a relationship right now and what does this fucker do. he falls in love. true love with an innocent girl who has no idea what shes about to fucking go through. god damn. somebody help me. somebody really help me. I know I will always love him. more than the other mother fuckers I thought I cared about. I will fucking love him. 
I FUCKING LOVE HIM. it makes me angry how much i love him. because it hurts me. a lot. but I wont stop. I cant. i wont. i never will. even if he stops loving me. i dont see how. but if he did. i’d still be calling and showing up and waiting outside and peeping in windows like a fucking nutcase. its my fucking ride or die. even if we broke up and i met someone else. god its not gonna be like this. it might be better. it might be a fucking dream. it might be date nights and morning kisses and flowers at work. but it wont be this. it wont be what i have with tey. nothing will ever be like this.and i fucking love that. im obsessed. im entranced. im in deep heartache love. 
and ironically he does literally the worst thing he could do. the worst thing. he could. is love me irrevocably. whole heartedly. stubbornly. passionately. intentionally. desperately. in return. a love that i could live with for eternity. without a shadow of a doubt love. til the day we die in each others fucking arms.
its killing him. its killing us. but its keeping us alive.
how sobering is that shit.
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the-coolest-mallard · 4 years
Text
Homework Woes
Yes, you guessed it. Louie and his experience with homework.
Words required for Lena: 2006 exactly
There were days like today where Louie desperately wished he could just drop out of school and become a gangster. Or maybe he’d ditch school and join a circus. Or somehow out of the blue he’d make it big in a rock band and never have to study for any test or do any homework ever again. Oh how badly he wished he could do any of those things instead of stare down the assignment that Mr. Lyons had given them because he hated his students. Louie was sure the guy had to be hating them.
And okay, Simba Lyons was a cool dude when he wasn’t teaching. But teaching meant that he gave Louie stuff to do, and Louie didn’t like stuff. Especially not stuff about the medieval times and the days where people smelled really bad and thought kings were the shit. Maybe the kings had the shits, but Louie was fairly sure not a single one of those old farts was any good. The only dude that was interesting was one of the Henrys, and only because he went full psycho!
But no, here was Louie, stuck writing a paper on some asshole King Richard III. Well, he was doing his best. But Uncle Donald was working, and Huey was off doing who knew what, so Louie didn’t really have any good helpers to make sure his work made sense so far. As he glanced down at what he had, he couldn’t help but be dismayed by his efforts.
Rihard the third was burn the youngest sun and was considred to be a loser. No one cared.
Well, at least Louie could kind of sympathize for the dude. Like Louie, he was the youngest probably talentless guy who nobody really cared about. Though he would guess that this Richard dude could probably spell better than Louie could. His letters were all over the place. He was all over the place. He was pretty sure this Richard dude caused a big family drama, but he wasn’t sure that he had the right family drama written down. He knew about the Henry that chopped heads off, but that wasn’t the Henry that Richard’s family was against. At least he was pretty sure. Why did English history have to have so many repeated names for royalty? It was so damn confusing!
Okay focus Louie. Focus! He told himself, eyebrows furrowing as he glanced at the textbook he had, as well as extra material he’d researched on academic sites online. Well, he’d found an article or two before he’d completely lost focus and started playing games on his computer. But he was getting there. Slowly. Probably. Well he had like two sentences written in his draft. That was two more than there had been an hour ago. God help him. Louie was going to die writing this paper, he was sure of it. 
For a moment Louie found himself tempted to try to reach out to Mark. Maybe he’d text Mark about how the next guy to die by crazy medieval death would be Louie! Or he’d text Mark and tell him that he couldn’t do anymore of this paper and that he should come over. Or he should send Mark cool pictures of himself and insist Mark send some back. Anything other than actually work on this medieval paper for History class. “Okay...okay if i just add this part here. This part is important I can do that and it’ll be...yeah.”
Richard’s bro Edward became King of England after people bitched about who was sposed to be King. He becm King Edward IV on March 4th, 1461. This made our guy Richie a royal prince.
Louie dropped his pen and sighed, staring at the tragic abyss that was all the blank space of his notebook. He’d had to ban himself from his computer to write it (though it would have good spellcheck, because there were just too many ways to distract himself on there) and now he felt like his hand was going to die. He’d only written a few sentences. God, why couldn’t Louie be smart like his brother? Or at least let him be smart for these occasions where it kind of mattered? Louie dreamed of getting through this paper with minimal crying.
His head jerked up at that, and he found his fingers already twitching for his phone. Speaking of crying, Louie should text Tae and see how bad off he had it with this whole thing. He was pretty sure Tae would hate this just as much as he did. Louie debated over what to say, before he grinned and just sent: ‘couldn’t give a fuck bot dis Richard dude. Howre u doin with ur old fart paper?’ Louie then forced himself to set his phone aside again and stare at the words on his computer screen. This Richard dude dealt with a fucked up situation. That part Louie had been able to focus on. It was just hard to write about said fucked up situation without writing it terribly. 
He already knew what comments he’d get with this: decent fact finding, but could stand to write in a more academic way. This is a research paper, not a casual conversation among friends. Stuff like that. He’d probably get more shit than that, but Louie was pretty familiar with all the red marks and comments he got for his shitty work. “Ugggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh,” Louie whined, throwing his head back and slumping in his chair. How did smart people do this? Louie struggled so hard to get through a paragraph!
Maybe he should try music. Louie hadn’t considered that option yet, but it was definitely one that could potentially get him through his paper. Music had to be it! After all, spotify had all kinds of study playlists and shit, things to help someone get through the work they were trying to do. Maybe Louie would do that. So he went ahead and switched on one of those study playlists and started reading stuff on this Richard dude again. But then the music was so calming, and Louie’s eyelids started drooping. His head started to drop, and then the next thing he knew he was jerking awake and looking at the clock.
“Oh shit! You slept for an hour Louie? Oh goooood why am I such a fucking idiooooot,” he moaned, putting his head in his hands and shaking his head desperately. This was so bad. Louie was so doomed if he didn’t get this paper done by midnight. He had four hours left or something, but he needed every damn second of that time. Writing all of this was so much harder for him than other people. Other people didn’t struggle to keep focused on one thing for as long as Louie did. He was going to fail and end up as a horribly sad janitor and everyone would laugh at him. Louie could see a tragic future.
So he decided he was going to pep up his mood a little. He took a nap? Now it was time to play some lively music and get back into it. Louie turned on Green Day. Louie started bobbing his head enthusiastically, glancing over at his computer to see what he could add about this Richard guy. If he were truly honest, the history was kind of interesting, but Louie still couldn’t keep himself focused enough to get through it more efficiently. He was on to the next little segment for himself, eyebrows furrowing as he debated how to put it.
Richie becm duk of gloucster n a knight of the roun table? or just a knight? something bout a garter. He was placed in a house of the kingmaker guy and grew to be an adult there i guess. ADULTS WERE 16. means im an adult and-
Louie cut himself off. Not important for the purposes of the essay, but he did debate over coming at his uncle with that. Like, ‘listen Uncle Donald, I know there are some dumb rules here, but I’m an adult in the medieval world. I can do what i want!’ Yeah, that probably wouldn’t go over very well, but Louie liked to believe he could have more control over his life. It gave him a satisfying feeling. Or the pretense of satisfaction. Much more satisfying than working on this thrice cursed paper for History. 
He tapped his pen against his chin, tilting his head as he tried to review some more notes and stuff when an absolute bop of a Green Day song came on. “Oh shit, gotta turn that up.” Louie turned up the volume for his speakers and got to his feet, dramatically playing the guitar for the song. It was too good to ignore! “I walk a lonely road the only one that I have ever knowwwwwwwn don’t know where it goes but it’s home to me and I walk alone!” Louie belted it out, not caring about who would here because well, apparently none of his family was around to help him suffer less. He rocked the air guitar, letting his head rock with it and himself pretend he was the amazingly talented Mike Dirnt. He forgot himself for a song before sighing and heading back towards his table and misery. Why did history have to suck so badly?
“Okay Richard, man...couldn’t you help a guy out and write this for me?” Louie suggested with a laugh, shaking his head as he glanced down at what he’d written. He really didn’t have much at all. He was doomed to a life of failure and crime probably. While his brother Huey became Prime Minister or some shit one day, Louie would be nothing. A no good hoodlum or a janitor or a tragically broke musician or something. The longer this went on the more depressing his future looked. He could cry. “Right so so...war of the roses started again right? It stopped chilling out....when.” His eyebrows furrowed, glancing at his paper and the computer with a sigh.
The rose war started up agin in 1469 when Richard and King Edwrds bro n the kingmaker guy Warwick were like ‘f u Edward’ n seized control of Eddie an his gov. Our dude Richie stayed loyal cuz he wasnt a piece of shit bro.
Louie glanced over what he wrote and shrugged. Was it informal? Yes. Did he basically know the history of this dude? Sort of. Mostly. Honestly, at least Louie was making the story more accessible. Maybe this paper could be his Hamilton. He was just offering it to the masses. The masses wanted information that wasn’t horribly bland and basic! Louie was totally delivering on that. In his opinion anyway. He was still probably going to fail this paper. 
But he had made it so far, so Louie let himself keep trying, figuring he still had a few hours leeway to make it sound more “academic” and “boring” rather than his actual writing and thinking style. Why were academic people so lame? Louie sighed, leaning over his paper again to start writing.
Warwick n the dumbass bro reinstated one of the Henrys...3? 4? who the fuck evn knows? 5? Before our man Richie and his bro King Eddie came back n KICKED ASS MAN. Took the throne back after a year lol bitches u tried.
Louie rubbed his eyes tiredly, getting up to go grab himself a snack. He was working hard. He was doing better than usual. Usually by now he’d have given up and just started playing games (or called Mark to do something actually fun). Instead Louie brought himself some crisps, a can of soda, and some chocolate for when it got too depressing to last without sweetness. He could do this! He could do this right? As it got later he started to debate the merit of selling his soul and offering it to Mr. Lyons. Maybe then the dude would go easy on Louie’s best effort. He really had tried.
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tumblunni · 7 years
Text
Speaking of my dumb story ideas, I’ve been thinking some stuff to flesh out the Cathedral Game’s setting! RANDOM IDEAS AHOY LONG POST AHOY
* I’m thinking I need to make some concrete ideas for the villains maybe. When I first had the dream that inspired this all, it was just some sort of ambiguous ‘demon army’, kinda like a mindless zombie plague or i dunno, maybe the demons were sentient but they were all evil except for florin anyway? It was a more boring cliche kind of enemy than I usually write, with no moral grey area. Just an endless wave of foes that would justify the setting where everyone is stuck living inside a church and you have to defend it and try and turn it into a little town. And I guess if we had to have a 100% evil enemy with very little character development then it makes me less uncomfortable if theyre some sort of supernatural nonsentient plague instead of a bunch of people born evil. But then Florin existing as your sidekick was like the first part of the dream and it was never explained why he was the only non evil, completely sentient demon. Plus now I have a different zombie-themed story so mindless plagues would be samey. PLUS... welll... I need to stop being all ‘because I saw it in a dream it is somehow a cosmic message that it has to be in the story and can never be changed’. Kinda the point of being awake is that i can look at things more rationally and plug the ol plotholes, yo!
* So anyway, the idea I had was that it would... just simply be an actual army of actual villains with actual motivations and moral ambiguity. I was thinking maybe the setting could be like the perspective of civilians trapped in-between a civil war between two countries, just trying to survive and hoping that the promise of reincforcements coming to evacuate is actually true. The gamneplay of holding the fort and constantly gunning down enemies could be even more depressing when you know that not all of them are necessarily evil, they’re just soldiers doing their job. Maybe its ambiguous whether your country or their country shot first, maybe its like their country is suffering from some form of recession or illness or lack of resources and they’re only trying to conquer this other country because their families are dying at home? Maybe its some form of religious conflict, or maybe its even something with a very villainous dictator running the show but the people working underneath them are just normal citizens forcibly drafted into a war they dont believe in. There’s a whole pile of different possibilities for moral ambiguity, yo! Not sure yet which would work best, hmm...
* Might possibly be an opportunity to use a character I’ve been sitting on for a while but couldnt find a story that suited her. After I played Fe: Awakening I felt really uncomfortable about how the game treated Excellus as if he was hateable only because he was ugly and ambiguously gay/transgender. like.. he’s a horrible jerk of a villain yet the plot really overfocuses on insulting his appearance and gender rather than retaliating against the things he actually does. Made me feel sympathy for a jerk I never wanted to feel sympathy for! So I kinda ended up being inspired by the wasted potential and thinking up an idea for a similar character who actually IS sympathetic, and has the ambiguous LGBTQ aspect properly explored as a plotline. I think it could actually be powerfully sympathetic to see this villain who’s constantly degraded and misgendered by her teammates, and has a lot of reason to believe the worst of humanity. Someone who could switch sides if shown some basic decency by our heroes, maybe? And I felt it could be good if she did have a very similar personality to Excellus, just like a good version of it. She could still be a comic relief egotistical person, but not a murderous monster. And the ego could be like... sad, because she’s purposely trying to act unaffected and secure and like she loves herself, when really she’s being treated like shit and doesnt know if she deserves it or not. And I was thinking also possibly she could be a greedy merchant type character, like Anna? (also from Fe: Awakening) That could be the role she takes in the town once you recruit her, she could be a savvy businesswoman badass! Playing rune factory 4 makes me appreciate how cool a trader character can be, Arthur is so neato~! He talks about it like its the most amazing job ever, I just feel like it could be even cooler if we had that passion along with a more goofy greedy personality. Like ‘hahaha im only in it for the money’, but no, she really has this kinda cheesy cute reason why she does the job, she just really enjoys meeting new people and being able to change the world a little piece at a time. It reaffirms her faith in humanity after all she’s been through. (Tho also she’s still a total badass, since she was a former general of the villain country, after all!)
* Oh and I was thinking of a really tragic alternative route for her if you don’t recruit her. You could fight her multiple times throughout the game and then when you get to the final one and she realizes there’s no escape she suddenly drops the comic relief act and it gets really somber. I was thinking maybe she could have a mentor type character or a friend or a love interest or something? Or some other something she was trying to keep safe all along, some reason why she still had hope, some reason why she was fighting for an army she didnt believe in, just to save up enough money for... some sort of life goal? I dunno, maybe she has a sibling who’s in the hospital and she’s trying to save up for treatment, and then on the day of the final battle she gets a telegram hearing that they died and she wasnt even there to say goodbye. (And the death would somehow be directly caused by the player’s actions, thus determining whether you recruit her or not) So even though every time before she always flaked out like a coward with a comedic quip as soon as it looked like she was losing, now she just doesnt have anything else left to lose. This time she WILL NOT LET YOU redeem her, she will not let you SPARE her, she doesnt even speak a single word in the entire battle. Her difficulty spikes immensely in this fight to the death, and she only cracks a smile and gives a parting quip once you’ve dealt the final blow. And I was just imagining it could be EXTRA depressing combined with her plot of facing predjudice for being transgender! She’s spent most of this time being treated by the other commanders as ‘sir [name]’, gritting her teeth and bearing all this degredation, trying not to stand out too much. But in the end now nobody else is here to put her down, all those other ‘brave knights’ are the ones who ran away like cowards and left the ‘coward’ to take the last stand. And she doesnt care if she dies anymore. So she hangs up her armour for this fight and instead decides to go out in all her finery, wearing the dress she’s kept locked away in her trunk the whole time. Walking onto the battlefield like a bloody bride, and being one hell of a monster boss battle despite missing all of her platemail. A whirling dance of death! To go out smiling! To maybe make her family proud, and if she can meet them on the other side she could do it with the face she always wanted to wear.
* ....basically make it super depressing so you regret your actions and go back and see what the other option leads to. But also so badass that people wouldnt regret seeing the scene, yknow? And this might be the height of her character arc, kinda, but she’d be able to have whole new character arcs if you choose to recruit her. And you can make your own badass battles with her now! * Not sure tho whether maybe the family member/mentor/whoever might die either way though? That could fit the bittersweet found-family themes of the game, pretty much everybody’s someone who’s lost their biological relations and found new people to love in this new community. It could just be like... the choice between this person dying tragically and causing merchant-general-lady to commit suicide, or them passing away naturally due to their illness after saying goodbye to her, leading to her joining the heroes to try and prevent tragedies like this. * A possible other EVEN MORE tragic idea I had- an alternative where this person has already been dead for a long time before the start of the story, and the villain leader has been lying to merchant-general in order to keep her working as their minion. So the player choice would be like... you can reveal it to her and purposely send her into a suicidal spiral as an attempt to destabilize the enemy forces and win an important battle. Its a complete dick move, yes, but it could save the lives of all your family and friends! But then if you believe that this merchant-general is actually redeemable you could like... do the same thing but with different motives, in a different way. Reveal it in less of a sadistic, tactically-planned way, and more of a ‘no seriously this is why you cant trust your boss’ way. And she’d be likely to actually believe you if you’d been befriending her before now. * Or perhaps maybe her sibling died years ago and she heard about it but was unable to accept it, since it was her only reason to keep on going. Maybe she feels guilt that she was too busy making money to try and save them, and that meant she wasnt there to hold their hand when they passed away. So now she keeps on hoarding money for no purpose at all, except because this routine keeps her going. And she keeps writing letters to someone who’s already dead. * buuuut that might be too similar to Malachi’s plot, since he has memory problems regarding a tragic event in his past. Though it was his own death rather than a family member’s! ....actually I dunno, maybe a twist could be that he’s actually her lost sibling? That’d kinda be wrapping things up too coincidentally though. But on the other hand it could be an interesting plot to explore his relationship with his newly returned biological sibling, compared to the adoptive relationship he’s been developing with Florin. RIVALS FOR TINY BABBU’S LOVE! Buuuuuut I also liked the idea of Florin’s death being very far back in the timeline, and he’s been sleeping underneath those ruins for over a century. It could be cool to have him experiencing a lot of things for the first time, and to get a perspective on the past before the war...
* ALSO ANOTHER POTENTIAL CHARACTER IDEA * Another enemy recruit maybe! I seem to be going in twos, I made two demon characters and now two redeemy people XD The idea I had was that this could be just a random soldier that you keep as a prisoner, and have to decide whether to execute him or not. It can be hard to keep prisoners of war when you’re stuck in this seige situation and you barely even have enough food to keep your own teammates alive! Tensions could run high because you’re choosing to keep this guy alive when its making things worse for us all, plus we cant really trust him, seriously?? He surrendered but maybe its just a trap to infiltrate us! He claims a sob story of his country being forced to invade us because of famine, and being drafted against his will, but can we trust anything that comes from the mouth of one of those scum?? And then there’s the question of what exactly you’ll do with him if you think he cant be trusted! Are you able to execute him in cold blood? Do you set him free and hope this decision doesnt come back to bite you in the ass? Do you try and execute him while pretending you didnt- setting him loose in the forest to die of exposure or at the hands of his own former comrades...?? And its very annoying because the entire time he’s insistantly begging you to kill him, and generally being a huge downer! :P This is what convinces you to spare him, if you pick that option. It starts off as just ‘I’m gonna spite you, I won’t let you die if its what you want’, but eventually you realise he really never wanted to be part of this war, and he’s weighed down so much by his sins that his pleading for suicide was completely genuine. There’s no spy plots, he was just a simple farmer thrown into battle with nothing more than the clothes on his back and the sharpest pitchfork he could salvage from the wreckage of his old farm before it was torn down. The famine ruined his business and he had no way of surviving unless he sold his land to the army, to be bulldozed and turned into the site of a new weapons factory. And even after that he ended up forcibly drafted when things got even worse, losing what little livelihood he’d managed to scrape together again. He doesnt have a home to go back to, he just wanted to die on the battlefield, and by all odds he SHOULD HAVE! This is the condition of this latest round of ‘soldiers’, nobody even wastes armour on them, theyre just disposeable fodder to be mowed down as a distraction. What shitty luck, that he just happened to get captured by some bleeding-heart fools who refuse to chop his damn head off! So basically I’m imagining him like a Nanu-esque depressed grandpa who’s kinda sassy sometimes but also really really needs a hug. And like... model prisoner, to a comical degree. When he comes to terms with the fact he aint gonna get killed no matter how much he begs, he’s just like ‘dammit i cant help but help’. He’s just a normal good guy at heart, he’s not really on your side so to speak, he loved his country but he didnt agree with them wanting to wipe out your country either. he misses how his country used to be, and he doesnt know anything about your country or whether its any better, he doesnt have much hope. But when he’s stuck with nothing to do all day, he just cant help subconciously falling into kindly grandpa behaviours! Gotta clean up this cell! Hey, do you want some cookery tips, mr guard? Oh whoops, mr guard you dropped the cell keys, here have them back! Hey this bar over here has poor structural integrity, I tried to rope it back together with a braid of my own back hair! All the time he’s trying to trick you into agreeing to execute him, and being a total sycophant agreeing with everyone who says he’s evil. CMON IM TOTALLY EVIL, PLEASE STAB ME, I’LL BAKE YOU COOKIES! And then as time goes on he just becomes less of a prisoner and ends up making friends with everyone, winning the trust of even those who opposed him the most at the start. All entirely unwillingly! Agreeing with all their oppositions so hard that they stop opposing XD He ends up just pottering around doing odd jobs as a janitor/groundskeeper type guy, even ends up being the one in charge of keeping the keys to the jail he started off in. Somehow the most trustworthy man in the whole town, cos he’s the one person who will never say he’s trustworthy! His humble goodness just shines through~! And he could help out a lot cos he has inside info on the enemy army, and is able to give a sympathetic perspective of the everyday citizens’s life, and just how much dissent there is, how few people are willingly cooperating with the war and how they can find allies and destabilize this regime based entirely on fear instead of loyalty. He’s like a ray of hope that changes everyone’s perspective on this big seemingly-inpeneterable all-evil army! A grumpy suicidal ray of hope, who never shuts up about how hopeless it is! XD of course, eventually he’d be able to find new reason to live in this own, and make friends, and have hugs and joy~! But it’d be a hard journey! And a journey filled with a lot of ‘geez grandpa stop joking about suicide holy shit’ *disciplinary hugs* * Tho actually I dunno if a farmer would be a good career choice for him, I just picked it cos its the easiest to imagine him losing his livelihood in the war. His career in the town would be being this janitor kindly advice man/treasurer sort of guy, but i dunno... if he was a banker before then that makes him too similar to general lady :P ...maybe he was a janitor on someone else’s farm...? Honestly I would love an excuse to have a badass sympathetic janitor man and go on a bit of a small rant about how service work is very physically demanding and deserves a higher minimum wage yknow. RESPECT JANIGRAMP ... actually the name Jani is a good name his name is now jani it is law Jani the groundskeeper, because jani the janitor sounds dumb. SYNONYMS!
* Thinking of ideas for the fictional religion I’m gonna create for this world! Its more fun if we have a completely fictional set of traditions that’re just a general metaphor for topical questions about real life religion n stuff. And it would sidestep the problem of plots accidentally seeming like theyre ‘oh this one religion is evil and false’, when really the point i want to make is about how people of all religions are capable of perverting their faith’s peaceful teachings and using it as an excuse to wage wars. hell, athiests have done the same thing! ‘this religion is inherantly evil bwaaaah’ stuff IS athiests using their own beliefs as an excuse to hurt others. Thats the kind of athiest I never want to be! I completely respect religion and I think that we can never have an answer as to what’s true about creation or an afterlife, we can never know until we die. I don’t believe in heaven, but I dont think I have absolute proof it’s wrong, and I dont care about proving myself right or converting people. I feel inspired when I see people draw strength from their religion, even if I don’t believe in it! Lots of great things have been done in the name of different religions, just like lots of terrible things have. Human beings are great and terrible things, human beings make choices. This doesnt tar everyone with the same brush of whoever made the wrong decision, just because they believe in the same gods! ....man, sorry, I went off on a mini rant there. But yeah, what I hope to do is to have religion as a framing device and discuss some problems with certain so-called religious people, but also show the positive side of it via the protagonists. I mean, the whole point is that you’re living in a church, after all! The idea is that you’d hear a lot of horror stories of other people acting very ungodly in the name of god, both in the enemy army and in the hidden secrets of people in your own country’s government. But the goal is that you see all this hellish stuff and you still choose to be a bastion of what you believe is good and true, you learn from these mistakes and try and make the true sanctuary that everyone was seeking when they fell into the traps of those other monsters. And also I was thinking it;d be like the protagonist’s exploration of being agnostic, after her faith was shaken from her original church being destroyed in this war. She was the only survivor, maliciously left alive by [currently unnamed main villain rival guy], who wanted her to suffer the grief of knowing she’d failed her role as protector. But instead she travelled onwards and found this other church full of defenseless people that need a new guardian, and she is FUCKING DETERMINED to never fail again! It started as just seeking revenge against that evil overlord, but instead its become about protecting these new people and regaining her faith in humanity. And that doesnt necessarily mean regaining her faith, that’s up to the player. She has a journey of realizing that some things about her former church may have actually been corrupt, and that she was just blindly following instead of making her own decisions, She has her hero worship of her dead comrades dismantled, and has to come to her own conclusions about what’s right and wrong in the scriptures she’d learned, and what she’ll do as she goes forward. Its up to the player to decide whether she regains her faith or decides to become an athiest in the end, or even remains agnostic and decides she isnt able to find an answer yet, but either way she will still be forged into a true blue hero, no matter the reasons behind it! I wanna make all options an equally good ending, its just a personal choice that changes some scenes but not necessarily the course of the story.
* Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! Religion ideas! I was considering possibly the legend could involve something about ‘an absent god’. The traditions say that humanity failed the creator long ago, and they left us behind because of it. The direction of all religion is based around this idea that we are inherantly born sinful, and have to do certain things in order to appease our ancestors’s sins and bring the gods back. I’m thinking it would be a good idea to create multiple sects of religion that’re variants on the same original holy text, that’s something that fictional religions dont tend to do for some reason. In this case it could be different perspectives on how exactly god dissappeared, and what exactly god saw as our sin, what on earth we have to do to make up for it. And I was thinking that the idea could be that god shattered into a million pieces that were scattered across the world. This leads to territory wars over places that’ve been determined to contain remains of god buried beneath the earth, and people invading indigenous civilizations in the name of holy tasks to dig for these relics. Power struggles over how many god burial grounds your country owns at any given time, controversy every time a digging operation fails to find a crystal. Pieces of god being used practically as currency, used to power magical weaponry in these wars... lies and deceit over fake godstones that no-one can prove you don’t own... * And this way even though magic does clearly exist in this world, it leaves it ambiguous whether religion is true, and whether any of the different sects is more accurate about the true will of god. It would seem reasonable that athiests exist here even when magic exists, thats usually a problem in fictional settings, you have gods right out here in the open yet some people still dont believe in them? XD It’d be like... yes maybe all these crystals that grant magical powers are actually fragments of an absent god. Maybe they grant those magical powers because of the reasons scripture tells us. Maybe if you bring them all together you can meet god and be granted one wish, maybe you could end the war. Buuuuuuuut.... maybe there’s just a natural crystal that grows underground and grants magical powers. Maybe nothing happens when you put it all together. Maybe it’s just like how people considered electricity to be unpredictable divine punishment before we learned how to harness it for ourselves.
* And there could be like... sects of the religion who believe god chose to leave us out of shame for our sinfulness, sects who believe a certain group of humans betrayed god and shattered them, thus holy war is justified against that country. Perhaps even sects that believe that god being shattered was a positive thing, that god chose to give fragments of their power to humans so they could choose their own destiny. (This is considered as scandalous as satan-worship in-universe) And there’s a related sect that believes that humans only even came into existance after the shattering event, that shattering into pieces was how god granted sentience and free will to the angelic servants we used to be. And this has permenantly corrupted us, thus the sin that we need to undo in order to retun god is... individuality, in all its forms. I think these are the ones who had the very extreme fanatical members who ran Malachi’s former church, and committed various atrocities including his murder. (Though, again, this doesnt mean that the viewpoint is inherantly evil. Just the people who took it from ‘tranquility, enlightenment and fealty to fellow man’ to ‘LITERALLY NO INDIVIDUALITY EVER’) ....hmmm, actually the morality system could be even more complex if I nail down a set of different factions of the religion and let you choose between all of them in the end. (or choosing none of them, or choosing your own interpretation) And there’d sorta be a fanatical/critical morality bar too, which determines whether you get the good or bad ending. In this case ‘critical’ would be the good option, I mean it more like... ‘I’ve analyzed everything about this scripture and come to my own conclusions, I won’t do anything immoral out of blind belief unless I actually have reasons to agree that it’s the right choice’. Aka how any normal good person decides on a religion to follow. And the fanatical side would be leaning towards never questioning. So sometimes you would have to like... take options that would seem like ‘the bad option’. Dont just blindly agree with everything that points to a particular faction viewpoint, that’ll lead to badness! Sometimes you have to question things, take it from the perspective of a character who is discovering their own faith, rather than a player who already knows from the beginning what option they want to pick.
* Man this has got complicated lol, I’m starting to ramble!
* Anyway, i was thinking this would explain what the ‘demons’ are, in this world. Normally humans can only use magic by using godstone as a power source, demon is a universal term for all creatures that are made of magic and can use it infinately as part of their very being. They’re considered unholy and must be destroyed, because they’re ‘imprisoning’ a shard of god inside them. And its really unfair because its a complete and utter random chance if someone becomes a demon when they die, you can live your entire life thinking you’re a normal human until the godstone in your heart activates and saves your life. Your life which is now ressurected in a monsterous form and can never return to your old family. The traditions say that it only happens to people who are sinful, thus they totally deserve to be slain, of course! Oh, and I think the main evil army guys would be using demons as weapons, which is part of why the anti-demon sentiment is like... even worse than usual in the protagonist’s country. Its incredibly depressing because demons are completely sentient, and the only way they become mindless battle monsters is if they’re tortured beyond breaking point. The same way you’d reduce a human to that state. But the protagonist starts off not even knowing that demons can talk until she meets Florin, she’s only ever seen these demonic ‘soldiers’ that’re really just whipped and beaten prisoners chained together and thrown towards the enemy in the hope both parties kill each other. “Yeah but why do so many demons ally with the empire?” *florin looks into the camera like he’s on the office* And I was thinking maybe a more positive religious interpretation of the existance of demons could be that they’re actually angels instead. (Yeah, even if this religion is very different its gonna probably have a lot of similarities to protestant christianity since that’s what I was raised in. i dont feel comfortable critcising someone else’s religion that I’m not personally experienced with, yknow?) ANYWAY SORRY FOR THAT ASIDE Yeah, there could be some very rare pro-demon religious folk who believe that those who are reborn after death are actually chosen ones rather than sinful. These fragments of god blessed certain people who were pure enough in heart to earn the power to be able to enact god’s love to the world. Because even though god is in pieces, god very much wants to forgive us. These magical beings are sent as god’s messengers to help guide us on the right path to redemption. That’s why they have such great powers of creation! (though others would say its destruction...) A single plant demon like Florin could watch over and sustain an entire forest, revive it from drought and become a cornerstone to build a whole city around! Though even this faction isnt 100% correct or incorruptable, there are those who’d interpret this as demons having a DUTY to do that. There are rogue members of this faction who enslave demons just as much as the people who use them as weapons. I was thinking a plot could be that Florin almost gets suckered in by a band of these guys, he’s just so overwhelmed to find anyone who doesnt hate demons! But they want to imprison him and force him to grow their crops forever until he dies of exhaustion, because that’ll mean he’s ~happily fullfilled his purpose and rejoined god~. I mean, if he says he doesnt want to, thats just so sad! That means this pure angel has been corrupted by humanity’s sin, he doesnt know what he’s saying! * man i have so many ideas aaaaa
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