I promised @niamarmosha that I’d post something by the 10th and uh I started the posting process before midnight so this counts right? Anyway this is just a little drabble that I thought was funny while I was writing it so hopefully someone else enjoys it too! More writing to come... eventually lol
The orange tabby cat circled the group of boys lazily, sniffing delicately at each of their feet. Butters was beaming as he watched his new cat examine his friends, glancing between the guys expectantly. “So what do you think of him?”
"He's really cute." Kyle said, holding his hand out for the cat to sniff with a smile.
"Mr. Kitty's way cuter." Cartman said, staring down at the cat suspiciously. "Where'd you even find such a skinny little thing?"
"Kenny gave him to me!" Butters said, sending a smile at his boyfriend who grinned right back at him. "He found him yesterday and said that he immediately thought about me. My parents were awful sore when they saw the little guy this morning, but I put up a heck of a fight and won! 'Course I've gotta do a lot more chores and he can only stay in my room but he doesn't really want to go exploring. I think he's had enough of the outside world, he just likes to nap in the sunlight and--"
"Dude, don't forget to breathe." Stan said, inching away when the cat approached him. He eyed him nervously and said, "I bet he smells Sparky on me. He doesn't bite, does he?"
"Aw, is Mr. Animal Lover scared of a widdle kitty?" Kenny asked, reaching down to pick him up. The cat settled in his arms without a fuss, a steady purr rumbling through his body.
"I'm a dog person and you know it." Stan said, crossing his arms across his chest. He was definitely pouting.
"Have you given him a name yet?" Kyle asked, reaching over to scratch his little triangle ears.
"I decided on Pumpernickle, on account of Kenny findin' him sleeping on an old loaf of it." Butters said. "I'll call him Nicky for short though, since Pumpernickle's awfully long to say."
"I wanted his nickname to be Li'l Pump, but Butters wasn't having any of that." Kenny said, grinning cheekily when Butters huffed at him. “It’s cute!”
"It’s inappropriate, Ken!"
Cartman scoffed, "Yeah, he doesn't want his cat named after your dick, Kinny."
There was a long moment of complete silence after Cartman's statement, one so deep you could hear a pin drop (or a cat purr.) And then the laughter started.
"DUDE! DUDE!" Stan wheezed, clutching his sides as he struggled to contain his laughter.
"That was rude, Eric!" Butters managed to get out between giggles.
"Oh my god." Kenny said, his eyes blank as he set Pumpernickle gently down on the ground. As soon as the cat stepped away from him, he let himself sink bonelessly to the floor. "Oh god, I’m dead."
Kyle was wiping tears out of his eyes, still laughing even as he turned towards Cartman. "You just killed him, Cartman! Why would you murder him like that?"
Cartman grinned, completely unfazed. "The opportunity showed itself Kyle, I couldn't just let it go unsaid."
"Holy shit, that was a good one Cartman." Stan breathed out, sounding exhausted from laughing so hard. He didn’t even notice Pumpernickle rubbing against his legs.
After a few moments Butters started to feel bad and knelt down to look at poor Kenny. He was staring at the wall blankly and motionlessly. Well, he was still breathing, so at least he hadn't actually died from the brutal quip, but his lack of reaction was starting to worry him. "Are you okay, hon?"
"No, I’m dead." Kenny said, sounding completely broken. "He killed me."
Butters ran his fingers through Kenny’s hair, humming sympathetically. "Would it make you feel better if I started callin' it 'Big Pump' for a while?"
Kenny didn't respond for a few seconds, though the hint of a smile started to form on the corner of his mouth. "Only if you mean it."
"Of course I do!" Butters said eagerly.
Pumpernickle seized this moment to crawl on Butters’ lap. He started to make biscuits on his leg and without thinking Butters cooed, "Aw, does my Li'l Pump want up?"
If Kenny had been hooked up to an EKG at that moment, his flatlining heartbeat... well, it still would've been drowned out by his friend's ensuing laughter.
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IDK if this is a stock anticartman comment or whatever, but I’m gonna simply say something I’m surprised I haven’t seen crazy Kyman antis and company argue yet.
I don’t care if you make this happen in your fic and I’m not bugged by the trope, but I believe the realistic chances that Cartman is ever gonna get effective psychological help in the world of South Park are slimmer than Starvin Marvin. Here’s my explanation.
South Park is a very messed up place with an apathetic, self-serving, and narrow-minded mentality. How would Cartman seek help anyway? The adults are entirely useless about him on most occasions. “Fat Camp” and “Tsst￼” are exceptions, but that just leads me to the point that his mother (until like the last 2 seasons for whatever reason) is ultimately more indifferent to his well-being than anything as well as a total enabler. Because few kids like and no kids wholly care for Cartman, the chances that anyone will take action about his mental state, or even encourage him to, are very slim. Maybe Kyle or even Kenny in the past would’ve, but Kenny doesn’t even seem to use tough love with him anymore, and given the events of Season 21-23 (I’ll write about that another time) I think Kyle has finally stopped caring about him. And like @computermaus has emphasized on a number of occasions, Cartman is a complete mess. Little self-awareness, a lack of motivation for self-improvement, and already showing signs of obsessive and addictive behavior, which would only send him deeper into his hole of self-destruction. Little chance he’d take charge on his own.
Secondly, even by the chance that he does end up “getting help”, especially early on, don’t you think it’ll only hurt him more? Do you think any of the psychologists and therapists in South Park are competent, accessible, and well-meaning at the same time? No. Best case they’d do nothing and dismiss him as sound of mind, worst case they’d do something further scarring to him mentally.
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