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tsrookie · 4 years

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This Is Me Trying

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Alyssa Brooks)

A/N: Hey everyone! Soooo I was actually planning to scrap this fic, since I seriously couldn’t think about practically after Chapter 11. But then Chapter 12 came out, and boom! My brain finally decided to finish this! @kaavyaethanramsey Thank you so much for pre-reading! And a special thanks to @openheart12 for being totally chill with me taking this song for inspiration even though she had plans to do the same!

Song Inspiration: This Is Me Trying by Taylor Swift. I’m going to do some shameless promo for Taylor since her label ain’t bothering with that🙄

STREAM FOLKLORE!

Word Count: 3600+

Warning(s): One curse word

Summary: My version of Ethan’s thoughts after the MK heist. This man is NOT EASY to write!

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Edenbrook was mostly quiet during the night shift. Most doctors left as soon as their time was up, not wanting to spend any more time in the hospital than they already had to.

But that wasn’t the case for a certain diagnostician.

The lamp on Ethan’s desk shone with a clear light in a stark contrast to his confusing thoughts. His mind was clouded. Clouded with thoughts of her.

Dr. Alyssa Brooks, the one he had hand selected from a thousand applications, the resident who had taken Edenbrook by storm as just a mere intern, and the woman who now held his heart.

He’d kissed her twice in less than two days. He couldn’t be the emotionless robot he had pretended to be for 10 years. He wanted to throw away everything to just hold her in his arms without a worry in the world. He didn’t want to just stand next to her. He wanted to be with her. But he had no idea how.

I’ve been having a hard time adjusting

I had the shiniest wheels, now they’re rusting

I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back

I have a lot of regrets about that

His mind automatically took him back to one of the most painful nights of his life: The night he’d returned from the Amazon.

“You’re an idiot Ramsey. An absolute moron. You know she’ll be there, then why the hell are you going there?!”, he’d scolded himself as his legs, as though they had a mind of their own, took him to Donahue’s.

He had no idea how she would react to seeing him. He was, after all, the man who was a complete coward and ran away from her and his feelings for her.

He wouldn’t have blamed her if she was in the arms of that scalpel jockey. At least he would treat her the way she’d deserved to be treated. Unlike him, who only knew to run. He had hoped that she would’ve buried her feelings for him.

The look on her face said it all. The pain, the betrayal, but also the care and concern, was plain to see in her brown doe-like eyes. Two months apart had done nothing to help either of them. He’d still cared for her way more than a mentor was supposed to care for a mentee. And then she’d kissed him.

In those few seconds, he’d felt more air in his lungs than he had ever felt in two months in the Amazon forest. He’d desperately wanted to kiss her back. He’d wanted to let her know that he cared about her more than she could possibly comprehend. But he didn’t.

It almost killed him to tell her that they had to reset. But he didn’t know what else to do at that point. That would forever remain one of his biggest regrets. He’d put them both through so much of pain that he could never forgive himself. He’d hurt her so much. Yet, she’d never given up on them.

He shook his head to bring himself back to the present. He looked into his wristwatch. 12:30 am. It was past midnight. He had to go home as he was past the point of trying to get any work done.

Pulled the car off the road to the lookout

Could’ve followed my fears all the way down

And maybe I don’t quite know what to say

But I’m here in your doorway

He drove out of the hospital and his eyes caught a flash of red walking on the pavement. “Alyssa?” She whipped her head around, recognizing his voice. She looked exhausted, but he wouldn’t blame her, knowing the day she had. Her ginger roots were all over her face and her clothes were completely wrinkled.

“Hey Ethan...”, she croaked in a raspy voice.

“Why on earth are you walking home? I thought you always took the train.”

“The station seemed overcrowded. Wasn’t in the mood to bump into any frat boys.”, she chuckled lightly.

“Get in. I’ll drive you home.”, he said. She opened her mouth to protest, but decided against it seeing the deadpan look on his face.

Her eyes were trained on the road. He glanced at her a couple of times but it didn’t seem like she noticed. She didn’t seem as lively as she was after they’d returned from Mass Kenmore. Something was nagging her, and he was determined to find out what.

“Is everything okay?”, he asked gently, not wanting to push her.

“Hmm... yeah it’s fine... everything’s fine.”, she replied unconvincingly.

“Alyssa...”

He took her hand in his and pulled over at her doorstep. “What’s wrong?”, he asked again, looking straight into her eyes. They were glassy and rimmed with red. His eyes slightly widened, realizing that she had been crying.

“It’s... a lot Ethan. First, it’s Kyra. She’s going to have major surgery. An extrapleural pneumonectomy. It could either save her, or...”, she trailed off, biting her trembling lip. He held her hand tighter, to try and give her the strength to continue. She took a deep breath and continued.

“I’m terrified about what could happen to her. I know I said that I could handle it this morning, but having her in this literal life of death situation... I just can’t”, she choked out a sob.

He immediately wrapped his arms around her on instinct. Her fragile frame trembled as she cried into his shirt. His heart broke to see her like this. He knew that Kyra had a slim chance of survival, but seeing the impact on Alyssa was too much to bear. He’d been through the same situation when Dolores died, and she’d helped him get through it. No matter what was to happen to Kyra, he was going to stand by her side through it all.

“And Raf...”, she suddenly said in receding sobs. “Raf’s leaving town and I have no idea why. It’s completely out of the blue and I’m really worried about him. He hasn’t been the same since the beginning of this year, and now he just decides to leave Boston.”

Ethan was surprised as well. He had known the paramedic only for a couple of months and even he was surprised at his decision to leave. He seemed to love his hometown and it seemed completely out of character for him to leave like this.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know that she was going through so much. It hurt him beyond anything to see her in her most vulnerable state.

I just wanted you to know that this is me trying

“Alyssa, I...”

He searched for the right words to say. He had comforted plenty of patients in the past, but nothing had prepared him to hold Alyssa in his arms.

“I know that I can’t take all this away, no matter how much I want to. But if you ever need anyone to talk to, or just want me around, I’ll be there. That’s a promise.”

He owed it to her. He owed her the world and more. She’d stood by him and been his rock through all his issues with his mother. He wanted to be there for her. He had to at least try.

“Thank you Ethan...”, she said with a soft smile that was enough to light up his whole world. He reluctantly let her go with a kiss to her hand. “Sleep well Alyssa.”

They told me all of my cages were mental

So I got wasted like all my potential

And my words shoot to kill when I’m mad

I have a lot of regrets about that

His lips still tingled from touching her hand. “Heaven knows how I’m going to keep up this pathetic act.” As he drove along the nearly empty streets, his mind went back to the most stupid decision of his life...

“You can’t live life like this Ethan. You can’t keep isolating yourself from her.”, Naveen had told him when he had made the foolish decision to run away to the Amazon. The old man had always known what went on in Ethan’s mind. There wasn’t a day where Naveen hadn’t chided him for locking himself up in his own cage. But he didn’t know what to do. His walls were up too high for anyone to climb over them.

But then Alyssa barged into his life. She broke into the invisible cage he had alienated himself in. All his high walls came up short for her. No one else had broken through his soul like her. He watched the walls he had built for over twenty years come falling down for her.

But despite all that, he had majorly screwed up. He had been nothing but rude and cold for weeks in her second year thanks to Gwyneth Monroe and Leland Bloom. He was furious at the board, but deep down he had known that the team would change a lot due to the budget cuts. He knew that it was completely unfair to direct his anger at her and everyone else in the hospital. But he didn’t know what else to do. His values and Naveen’s vision had been compromised, and that clouded his mind from thinking of anything else.

The regret and guilt in her eyes had pained him immensely. As time passed, he had accepted the fact that the fault wasn’t hers and that he was truly thankful to her for making the decision he was dreading. But he had no idea how to tell her all of that. His words and actions had hurt her and there was no going back and changing them. And it wasn’t even the first time. Hurting her repeatedly was all he ever did.

I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere

Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here

Pouring out my heart to a stranger

But I didn’t pour the whiskey

He remembered his days from med school. After Tobias had betrayed him by stealing Serena Jane, he didn’t bother with romance. He completely submerged himself in his studies. His peers found true happiness and love while he had accomplished more than anyone could have dreamed of, but stayed unhappy.

Whenever he opened up, he would just go through a world of pain. Tobias was the only person who he had truly trusted. But then he had stabbed him in the back in every way possible. He hadn’t planned to let Naveen in, but the old man had become like a second father to him. And then he had nearly died, which had terrified Ethan more than he had let on. He shouldn’t have let anyone in after that.

But then there was Alyssa.

His Rookie. He knew damn well that that nickname had become a term of endearment. That was why he rarely called her that after her second year began. He didn’t want to get her hopes up only to hurt her again.

He fell asleep with all these thoughts tormenting him.

The next day was pretty dull. He hadn’t seen her in the morning since the team didn’t have any new patients. He knew that she was probably working on Kyra’s case in her free time and didn’t want to impose. By the end of his shift, he was questioning his decision to even show up at work as it was incredibly tedious and monotonous without Alyssa by his side.

He found himself sitting at Donahue’s, with his eyes flicking to the door every once in thirty seconds in hopes that she would walk in. “You look like you haven’t slept properly in days”, said Reggie’s voice. “I mean, I know you’re busy as hell, but you at least used to look like you were a normal human back then.”, he chuckled. Ethan let out a heavy sigh as he stared at his untouched glass of whiskey. “You okay?”

Ethan considered Reggie to be a... good acquaintance, which was more than he considered three-fourth of the people in the hospital to be. But was he about to pour his heart out to him?

He looked down at his full glass and realized he didn’t even need the alcohol to express his agony. He just couldn’t take it anymore.

“It’s... Alyssa.”, he said as his eyes filled with pain.

“Tell me.”, Reggie said as he leaned on the bar countertop.

“I don’t know what to do about her. She’s a brilliant young doctor and my mentee. She has the skill and potential to become one of the greatest doctors the world has ever seen. And I need to push her to be that. Caring about her... that’ll get in the way. I might start being lenient with her if I’m with her. And I don’t want that to hinder her development...” He trailed off as a lump formed in his throat.

Opening up like this brought the bitter truth to light. There were too many professional obstacles for them to be a normal couple. But those were nothing compared to their emotional issues.

I just wanted you to know that this is me trying

At least I’m trying

He took a deep breath as he continued, “I don’t even know why she would want me. I’ve done nothing, absolutely nothing but cause her pain from the very start. I was the one who first kissed her. I was the one who lead her on. I was, sorry, am the coward who broke her heart by running away to the Amazon. I dragged her into the mess that is my personal life. But she still wants to stay. She’s by my side whenever I need her and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repay her for everything she’s done for me.” He choked out a small sob. He loathed himself.

She was the last person on the planet who he ever wanted to hurt, but that was all he had ever done. Trying to make up for all that pain seemed nearly impossible.

“I don’t deserve her Reggie... I just don’t. I don’t even know how I fell in so deep. It all just... happened. And now I’m stuck in a dilemma where I need to be the best mentor I can be for her but I also can’t live a life without her as something so much more than just my mentee! I want her to be my-”

He stopped as he suddenly realised what he was about to say. He was about to admit that he wanted her to be his girlfriend. He wanted an actual relationship with her.

Reggie smiled knowingly at him. “Say it Ethan. Say it out loud so that you can finally accept it for yourself.” “I... I want to be in a relationship with her.”, he said. He let out a breath that he didn’t realized he’d been holding. He felt free.

And it’s hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound

It’s hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you

You’re a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town

He suddenly heard a laugh. Her laugh. His favourite sound in the whole world.

He whipped his head towards the source of the sound and sure enough, she was there. She was in the middle of what seemed like a drunken dance off with Lahela. But he didn’t look even half as drunk as Alyssa. Her eyes were hooded and worn out. Her clothes were all wrinkled up, but she didn’t seem to care at all, which was quite a surprise.

Something told him that she had overworked herself and was drinking to combat the exhaustion. But the way she moved made him feel otherwise. The way her hips swayed slowed in the dim light of Donahue’s sent his thoughts into the gutter.

His mind flashed with memories of the night she had won her ethics hearing. The way she had flashed a lopsided grin at him when he’d lied to a resident while leaving the bar. Her incredibly messy yet perfect room. The night they’d last slept together. The night he’d last felt her body perfectly intertwine with his. It all seemed like nothing but a distant memory now, with all that had happened. But he could never forget that night, no matter how hard he tried.

He let out a sigh as he looked at Reggie. “I think it’s better if I left now... It’s for the best if she doesn’t notice me.”

“Too late for that, since your Rookie is on her way to the bar right now”, came a reply with a smirk. Ethan let out a frustrated sigh, but he found himself unable to suppress the slight smile on his face as she made her way towards him.

“Ethaaan! What a *hiccup* wonderful surpriiise! I had noo idea you’d *hiccup* be here!”, she said in a singsong voice.

“Dr. Broo- Alyssa, what exactly do you think you’re doing near the bar in this state?”, he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Juuuust a few more *hiccup* drinks. I’m purrrrfectly fine.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. It seemed like it was now up to him to make sure she could at least walk straight.

“No. You are not having any more. I can’t handle a hungover member on my team when the Senator arrives.”

“You’re not the boss of me!”

“Actually I am.”, he smirked as he ushered her out of the bar.

And I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying (Maybe I don't quite know what to say)

I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying

The cold Boston air hit them in the face as they got outside. Winter was coming, and it seemed that his favourite resident had forgotten to bring a coat to combat the chilly weather.

It didn’t take him more than a second to realize she was shivering. Wordlessly, he took off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders. She looked up at him in surprise, her glassy eyes filling with life. He looked away on instinct, but couldn’t suppress the smile at the corner of his lips on seeing her in his clothes.

“Hey... I dunno if I’ve *hiccup* said this before, but I’m really glad to have you in my corner *hiccup* ya know. The past few days have been... so overwhelming and... I would’ve *hiccup* lost my mind if it wasn’t for you.”

He turned to look at her. Her brown eyes were filled with sincerity and... something else. Something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Something new. Something... affectionate.

If she could be wasted and still manage to talk to him with complete honesty, then his sober mind could do just the same.

He took her hands in his. They were cold, and sent a jolt of electricity through him. “Alyssa, I meant what I said yesterday. If you ever need me, for anything, at any time, I’ll be there. Nothing will ever change that, no matter what... changes between us.”

He saw her face light up at his words, and he realized that he had quite the same expression himself.

He didn’t know whether she was going to ask him anything further of the topic of... them. It seemed like she decided not to, and he was grateful for it. He still didn’t know what exactly to do, but he knew that it was foolish to keep pushing her away.

“Alyssa where on earth- Oh!”

Doctor Trinh’s eyes widened as she witnessed the tender exchange between them. Her expression morphed from shock to utter delight as she saw their joined hands. If it was someone else, Ethan would’ve immediately pulled away. But this was Alyssa’s best friend, and a doctor who he knew he could trust with their secret, especially since she had seen him come out of her room the previous year.

“I’ll umm... tell Jackie that it’ll take a while.”, she said sheepishly as she turned away from the pair.

“No it’s alright. I need to *hiccup* get some rest before tomorrow. We’re done here. Unless... there’s *hiccup* anything else you want to say?”, she asked as his eyes locked with hers again.

“Yeah... just that I don’t want you to worry too much. Everything’s going to be okay Alyssa.”, he said with a smile that mirrored hers. He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her temple, as she reluctantly pulled away from him for the night.

“Thank you Ethan... for everything.”

“Don’t mention it.”

The ghost of a smile adorned his face as he went back to his car. He wasn’t sure about how she felt about everything. Hell, he still wasn’t sure about how he was feeling. But it was something beautiful. Something he hadn’t felt for anyone he had been involved with. Something that filled his heart with joy. Something he had thought that was impossible for him to feel since his mother had left him at eleven.

Love. Ethan Ramsey was in love with Alyssa Brooks.

The very idea terrified him. The worry of losing someone he loved had been rooted his mind since childhood. But she was different. His heart opened up to her in a way it had done with no one before.

It was going to be a long road, filled with obstacles and barriers. He didn’t even know if she felt the same about him. But he wanted to try. His life would never be complete without her in it, and the thought of a reset could never cross his mind again. Changing his view on the world was worth a try when it came to her. Because she was worth the risk. “She always has been.”

At least I'm trying

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A/N 2: Hope you guys liked it! I’ve shamelessly included Louis Tomlinson and GoT references even though it’s supposed to be inspired from a Taylor Swift song😬 Let me know if you found them! And I hope I managed to stay true to the fact that our man is super oblivious to the fact that MC is head over heels for him as well😅 I tried to make this one seem like an actual fic instead of a kinda boring narration that I did last time. As always, constructive criticism is much appreciated❤️

Taglist: @kaavyaethanramsey @ohramsey @aylamwrites @caseyvalentineramsey @ohvamsey @starrystarrytrouble @dxnicaramsey @decadentwinnerjudgedream @nithya @mrsmatsuo-ramsey @imonlybibecauseofethanramsey @rookiefromedenbrook @bratzlahela @eramsey28 @the-pale-goddess @ohchoices @wellhelloramsey @pitchblackstars @mvalentine @swiftlydarcy @utterlyinevitable @angela8756 @akshara16 @sushiharrington @drethanramslay @lion-ess24 @whippedforethanfreakingramsey

Sorry if some of the tags don’t work😓 Let me know if you want to be added or removed!

#ethan ramsey #dr ethan ramsey x mc #ethan jonah ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan x mc #open heart #open heart second year #playchoices #dr ethan jonah ramsey #mercy writes

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emptytypewriter · 6 years

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so in love | s.h.

I forgot to post my prompt for yesterday so I am not going to forget today.

Day Two: A Song by a Male Artist - Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran.

You can listen to it: spotify youtube - I hope you enjoy :3

@prettyxlittlexwriter thank you for inspiring me to write again. you’re a gift to this community of writers!

The sight of her eyes staring back at her, unblinking didn’t help the nerves that were quickly building in her body. She could feel her hands get clammy the more she looked at herself, her eyes finally moving away when the sound of the door opened. The blonde who had become a sister to her was smiling at her , her arms extending out to pull her into a hug once she had made her way over.

“There’s no reason to be nervous darling. You’ve gotten this far, no matter how much I love you, no one thought you were. More so because of him that you.” She muttered, trying to ease the girls nerves, her hands falling on her shoulders and gently rubbing as she motioned towards the door with her head, “The boys are ready.”

Taking in a deep breath, she smiled weakly before nodding and walking out the door to the main lounge area. Her dad greeted her with a smile as tears started to build in his eyes, promptly pulling the girl into his arms. She let out a short laugh before pulling away and fanning her face,

“Let’s not ruin the makeup before anyone sees.” She joked lightly, and with that the small party of three were on their way from the suite and to the large mahogany doors separating her and her boys.

Mary was stood in a soft pink floor length gown that matched the ribbon that was wrapped around the flower bouquets in her hand. Handing the larger one over to the girl, she placed the small basket of pink, red and white rose petals to the young toddler who was gripping onto the skirt of her dress.

The starting notes of the music shook her out of her head as she looked up with wide eyes towards her friend who simply gave her a reassuring smile before she was tugged to the small hallway as the door started opening. It took mere seconds for the two girls to disappear from sight.

The shift in the music was her cue. The gentle notes that had been crafted over the past couple weeks that led up to this day by the man she hadn’t see for near 24 hours now and was about to meet to promise herself to for life. She found herself freezing until the gentle tug from her father shook her from her daze. Her steps moved just as had been practised but nothing could have prepared her for the eagerness to see the curly haired detective after so long. Her chest burned with desire but also fear and worry.

She’d look back and kick herself for such a cliche thought but the moment she turned at the open door to walk down the aisle, her eyes landed on the man waiting for her and all other thoughts left mind solely focused on him. The journey down towards him was a blur and the moment her hand was placed in his, a tear fell down her cheek and smile painting itself boldly on her lips.

The smile hadn’t left her lips as the day went on by. Sitting in the detective’s lap in the dimmed lighting as they watched people dance on the floor in front of them. The couple had their fingers intertwined, his head tucked into the curve of her neck as she leaned back into her chest.

“You look absolutely beautiful, have I told you that?” He muttered into her ear before letting his eyes move up to lock with hers for a moment. A single nod came from her as she moved closer and pressed a light kiss against his lips, “But I mean it. You look beautiful in this dress, your hair falling down in the waves you hate so much but I love. I love you, I am so in love with you.”

A warm flush covered her neck and cheek, her grin growing as she laid her forehead against his, “How did I get so lucky?”

“I don’t think you’re the lucky one. We could have done this just the two of us. The dress, you and I signing out certificate, that would have been fine with me because all that you are is all that I’ll ever need.”

Her mouth opened to speak but the sound of the first dance being announced, she shut her mouth before standing from her place. Her hand staying joined to the detective who simply groaned at the tug but a smile remained on his face also as she pulled himself up towards the floor.

Sherlock placed his hands on her waist, her’s falling onto his shoulders before working their way to join behind his neck. It took mere seconds for him to pull her closer until his head was buried in her neck, her own falling onto his shoulder as they gently rocked along to the soft sound of the string band that Sherlock had insisted on having to play his composition.

The soft movement of his head away from her, had her looking up at him. The serious look on his face causing her to furrow her brows at his as her hands moved to gentle stroke his cheek, “What wrong?”

“He simply shook his head, “Nothing. Everything is just perfect. If this,” He started, motioning over to her with a small but growing smile, “Is the last thing I see, it’s enough for me.” The second the words left his mouth, her placed his against her, ignoring the sound of happy exclaims and cheers from their closest friends and family. All that mattered to him was in his arms at that moment. And she was his. And he was hers.

This was actually really cute to write. I was going to write for someone else but Sher screamed that this song was all for him. So we got this really sweet and lovey dovey Sherlock fic. Hah! Hope you liked it.

All The Love, MK x

#sherlock x reader #bbc sherlock x reader #[ valentines '18 ]#2018 vday challenge

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