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throughthewwods · 3 years

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It occurs to me that I have entered the next phase of motherhood where my child is receiving calls from friends on my phone. This is new territory. I’m unsure how to communicate to her little friend that I’d appreciate it if she didn’t blow up my mobile, but my daughter hasn’t earned her own line yet. It’s also this interesting transition where Kiddo Is tiptoeing into adolescence, but she still needs my guidance in how to do all these new things that come with new rules like the social norm of waiting for someone to return your text/call and only reaching out repeatedly if it’s an emergency. These are underrated etiquettes that make even adulthood less awkward.

kiddo is learning about Louis XVI. We crack jokes about The French Revolution and I explain to her Maria Antoinnette never said the infamous, “Then let them eat cake”

Kiddo is squished between our oafish puppy and RB, ecstatically reading aloud the latest developments to her cat diary.

Plague plushy came today 😆💜

Getting excited about my 2nd dose of the vaccine on Saturday.

Simple joys.

RB is tense. As I offer him a glass of magnesium lemonade, I find myself grateful I’ve not become the cliché wifey handing her low-key alcoholic hubs his post-work beer, beers. I remember being younger, hoping dating would get better as people matured. What I found is it does, if they mature. For the most part though, it’s a lot of people who are stuck in a semi-charmed past, drinking away their existential dread, which is rarely a philosophical quandary about meaning to their lives, but refusal to become personally responsible and handle their own shit. (Gross) 😬 For a while there I wondered if this ‘functional alcoholism’ was something I’d just have to get used to: guys at a glance who look mostly put together, yet needs a drink when he’s had a hard day and.. to celebrate his good days, and pours drinks whenever we hang out because he doesn’t know how to have fun without a buzz, and wants a drink when he’s bored, and usually has a drink or two with lunch, with dinner, who sometimes brings a thermos to the playground,

-or stay single.

Today I have to do better about where I give my attention. I gave myself plenty of time to have my subdued, pity party, but now it’s time to get my head back in the game.

#journal #writing #my writing #parenting #family #relationship #love #RBlovestory #dating #covid #covid lockdown #covid vaccine

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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100 Days of Productivity . Day 90

🐾 Did more dog training

💙 I cooked us a tasty breakfast

⭐️ I vacuumed and I cleaned the rugs, which is some thing I’ve been telling myself I would do the first warm Saturday and.. actually followed through on 👍 now the apartment smells less of German Shepherd funk

⭐️ I moved the office chair to the dining room for kiddo

⭐️ I washed both my comforters and that week’s laundry

⭐️ I made sure we were ready on time for the surprise

💕 We made Saturday special by doing something fun and interesting despite Covid

We took the kiddos to a ‘drive-through zoo’ hosted by a wildlife rescue, rehabilitation and conservation group. I wondered if the car line would be militantly rushed, but no. The whole thing was easygoing and informative. Each rescue had a backstory, like the alligator, who needed a home after being confiscated during a DEA bust. I didn’t know the difference between alligators and crocodiles, which is a distinction I want to be able to make in my final moments if I ever accidentally skydive into a pit. 😆 Kiddo bounced around the car with her camera excited and got to ask the handler zoology questions. Many oooos and awes. I thought it was funny their giraffe would only let Kiddo pet him and wanted nothing to do with most of the other human-creatures reaching for his attention.

Afterwards we took the kids out for burgers and ice creams to chow down at my place. GSD is doing really well with his new home alone, free-range privileges. Kiddo and Jay giggle wildly. Sammy is delighted someone is entertained in her Chibi movies creations and Jay is proud of his Minecraft structures. I nudge RB to take this golden nap opportunity and set him up on the couch with a pillow and fluffy blanket. we spend the rest of the day contently cuddled up in that near-summer lull.

sometimes I get so swept up in the undertow of Uni, of Homeschooling a preteen stuff, non-Homeschooling mom stuff, adulting stuff, dog stuff, disability stuff, plotting grad programs stuff..

It’s a lot, 🤷🏻‍♀️

but it’s not everything. 💙

My blessings don’t resolve the severity of my dilemma, but I am blessed nonetheless. in no particular order..

I’m in decent health

my kiddo is compassionate, creative, funny, and astute

I’ve made this apartment a comfortable space

my dog is mostly pretty cool and funny

My boyfriend is wonderful and we have a solid, happy relationship

I am in a mostly stable financial position and, knock on wood, the letter of doom never came, which is a blessing

We eat well

No matter how much BS uni throws at me.. this path is still an opportunity to live out a dream.

Professors have been understanding, kind, and flexible

My anxiety is way better than it was when I first started this journal and I’m getting my work in

I still look pretty good for my age 😝

I set out to make sure Covid didn’t put my kiddo behind academically and I did that

I’m finally fully vaccinated and can more safely go out into the world again, but also it’s such a blessing to have much of my independence back

#journal #writing #my writing #motherhood #parenting #100 days of productivity #love #relationship #RBlovestory #couples goals #covid vaccine #covid #adulting #positivemindset #gratitude

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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100 Days of Productivity . Day 60

CoupleGoals Post- Covid: we are both vaccinated! chachaCha! 🎉

💚 worked out. So nice to have my leg healed nearly back to normal

💙 did a bunch of cleaning and preemptive cooking in case I felt yucky after the vaccine

RB scooped us up on time to head back the way he came. Our children are ecstatically sharing their Minecraft worlds. They haven’t seen each other in a few weeks and there is much to discuss. there are times the newfound excess of video games in our lives is concerning, but I try to remind myself that these mediums let them travel. RB reaches across the armrest to hold my hand as we weave through mountains tinted with cautious optimism.

We arrived at the grounds a bit early. The clinic took me right away without us waiting around. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been a house cat for a yearish or that it was a completely foreign environment, but for a moment there I was pretty nervous when they instructed RB to stay in the car with the children rather than let him be my seeing-eye-human. It’s been so long since I had to fumble through finding someone to explain I need to borrow their eyes. The shot was such a quick pin prick I barely noticed and before I knew it she was pressing a bandaid on my arm.

As I sat in the waiting room for my 15 minutes, I smile into my phone at RB wishing me well in emoji. It’s the little things.

For the rest of the day I’m walking on clouds elated for a month from now imagining all of the mundane, glittering things I will do once I can leave my apartment.

We pop over to RB’s house, which is a nice change of scenery from my apartment. RB and I are cuddled on the couch as small humans gnawed on pretzels and play old school, Nintendo 64 games that were truly something to behold many moons ago. They build randomness from Legos and race cars. RB’s kitties are more sociable this visit. RB shows me an array of recycled parts that will become his next lamp sculpture. He’s sparkly at the thought of installing seatbelts in the backseat of his 56 Ford so our lil pack can all cruise safely this summer. It’s a wholesome serenity maybe only other people with a history of chaos and trauma can truly appreciate without irony.

RB orders us all pad Thai. I offer to wash the dishes while he grabs dinner, which, although seamless enough, is a milestone in the ‘team spirit’ progression of our relationship that’s been delayed by Covid circumstances. It’s our ‘I got AB handled. You go manage CDE’ , our first occasion he’s entrusted me to watch the kiddos and the first time I’ve been left alone in his home.

We had a tasty meal sprawled about his living room. It’s good that we are both laid-back people unburdened by most particulars. at my place we relax for a while. My dog dose not completely lose his mind upon our arrival, which gives me hope that the training is working at least a little. After they head home GSD stares out the glass door for the longest time awaiting RB’s return, which is both pitiful and adorable. Kiddo adds to her diary of cat adventures.

My enthusiasm for my first vaccine does woke me up at 4 A.M., so I passed out pretty early. this morning my arm is a little sore, but nothing troubling. I’m on my 2nd cup of coffee sipping mostly a hopefulness that I do not allow myself very often.

#journal #writing #my writing #100 days of productivity #motherhood #relationship #positivemindset #love #couples goals #RBlovestory #parenting #covid #covid vaccine #healing #mental health

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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Happy Thoughts

Yesterday I leaned on loved ones and laughed deep into the gallows humor. I hula hooped to 90’s metal, and jogged steady. I set out to accomplish small tasks around the house, which would produce the dopamine that comes with instant gratification. I listened to my self-help book while taking a long shower and letting my face mask set. I put on moisturizer and clean, comfortable clothes. I trimmed my nails. I massaged oils throughout my hair. I was kind to myself. Kiddo and I relaxed with pizza and finished our Troll Hunters series. I remembered to respond to my research professor. I played my game. I stayed mostly grounded, mostly here.. and.. compared to how my PTSD would hijack me in the past, that’s pretty good. RB was so very compassionate and gentle. I wanted to enjoy the spring sunshine, but wasn’t feeling composed enough to be fine in public, so he scooped Kiddo up for a duo adventure, and returned with greasy, salty, with an Oreo milkshake-y, comfort food.

I’m making this a separate entry because I use tags to keep track of all my happy memories and someday when I look back on yesterday I want to selectively remember that it was the first time RB and Kiddo went off on their own to bond. It’s the first time I’ve been alone in many months. The stillness, the silence, an hour not in maternal vigilance, was surreal. I didn’t really know what to do with myself and the quiet. I turned on classical music and played my Sims came, which is nothing extraordinary, except to be aware my internal battery was not being kept on by the constant alertness of motherhood.

I really appreciate it RB giving me that window to breathe. It’s also a huge gesture of trust. I can’t speak for other parents, but I’m pretty damn careful about who I let babysit my offspring. That’s the real leap in a blended family relationship. Someday, when I am not warding off a disassociation fog, I would like to try that again.Maybe go for a walk? Maybe go sit at a picnic table and draw for a while? 😝

💜

Kiddo and RB apparently had a great time at the park. He taught her more about photography and getting the most out of her camera settings to help her earn that Girl Scout badge and toward her state history project. She took some really nice photos, especially considering she didn’t cheat with filters. When they returned she was all a’flutter to show me her series using photography lingo to describe why she liked certain shots more than others. I remember when my father first gifted me that camera when she was born. It’s touching to pass it down to her, and watch her elation as she attempts to capture her own perspective of the world happening all around her to then share with us.

#journal #writing #my writing #parenting #positivemindset #relationship #love #healing #mental health #kids learning #couples goals #RBlovestory #growing #growth #self care

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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Saturday I gave RB the heads up that I was stBll feeling wonky probably from the tramadol shot, but he was just glad to lounge in bed with me watching Breaking Bad.. [it’s a train wreck that evokes more face palms than entertains, but I’ve made a commitment 😅 He came baring gifts, so I wouldn’t have to concoct dinner. that was an early night.

Thankfully by Sunday morning I felt back to my usual peppy, skeptic self. everyone is still fast asleep. It’s funny how these years have eroded me into a ‘morning person’, but I do my best to be a quiet mouse. Once upon a time someone said, “if you love them, let them sleep, “, which, as someone who these days struggles with chronic exhaustion, I fully appreciate now.

As I twirled about my living room hula hooping with my boyfriend in the other room, my body instinctually tenses then it relief washes over me that if he should wake there was not going to be a fight about modesty, about the audacity, the impropriety, the ‘blatant disrespect to my partner’.. of me working out with my door open for the cool air. 😑 You know, everyone says they want a vivid girl until they have one, discover that she’s more than a supporting character to their personal Hero’s Journey, then all the insecurities and control issues surface.

I’m ever grateful RB has never seen me as some manic pixie dream-girl to be captured, ‘forgiven for my sins’, broken, tamed, and baptized as ‘theirs’.

♥️♠️

♣️♦️

There is nothing like being loved and embraced for who you really are as opposed to the confines of idealism.

I had time to take GSD for a long training walk. When I returned RB had washed my full sink of dishes that piled up in the 2 days I was achy for no other reason then we are both the kind of people who like to be helpful.. RB came into my life while I was still rowing myself out of a 3+ year storm. Love isn’t a magic wand, but dysfunctional relationships are poison. If I’d still been with any of my stellar exes this last year would’ve mangled me. I’ve hit a bit of a wall with my counseling. I don’t know how to satisfy my longing for a support system other than somehow establishing a support system.. but then it occurs to me that, whatever happens next, things are different now. for the first time in well over a decade, I have a best friend. I would never put it on RB to ‘fix everything’, but there’s comfort in knowing an important change has happened, which opens the possibility of future obstacles being experienced differently.

Covid has definitely cramped our colorful spontaneity, so when Kiddo suggests we do something different by spending 4th of July along the river, everyone brightens. We all take a walk to the grocery store, pup in tow, for snacks. GSD was an overstimulated brat, but I’m still glad we brought him. RB’s patience is saintly.

At home I’m helping kiddo with her hair when I find she has been neurotically plucking a huge bald spot beneath her beanie. She’s scared I will be angry, but I reassure her I’m not mad, I’m worried for her, in my mind worried for how this year has affected her psychologically. She is on the brink of tears. I do my best to keep my concern tempered. I want her to be able to have a happy day and I know there is nothing I can do at this exact moment to remedy ‘this’, so we put it out of our minds for at least now.

Within a matter of minutes I’ve packed up our picnic and we’re on the road. Thankfully, RB does not love me for my fabulous blind girl co-piloting abilities. I recall driving toward the mountain, not away, a field, and some big rocks. Most of this isn’t particularly helpful to RB getting us there, yet he managed to find the entrance anyway. After a bit of exploring, we found a spot with some shade along the bank and sprawled out on the blanket with our small feast. I’m thrilled at least all the socializing training is paying off as GSD behaves (no disjointed shoulder, no howling) despite the many unfamiliar dogs prancing about off leash.. Kiddo plays along the beach as we relax. Eventually I work up the courage to let GSD walk in water for the first time, which where we all stay.. Kiddo and GSD splash ecstatically. The summer afternoon is filled with laughter as GSD tries to dig a hole in the river. Many pictures taken.

The other ‘4th of July miracle’ is GSD was much more behaved the second go at RB;s house with his kitties than our first attempt at introductions 😅 This gives me hope.

#journal #my writing #writing #motherhood #parenting #positivemindset #relationship #love #happylife #growth #healing #rblovestory #4th of july

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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I’ve been contemplating ‘awe’ recently.

There are all sorts of psychological benefits to awe: increased resilience to minor and major stressors, faster recovery from stressors, increased positive attitude in general, decreased aggression, increased communication skills, less existential dread.. 🤪

Somedays I miss ‘spiritual me’, but I am a different person now and I can’t force myself to regress. As a 98% atheist, awe comes from external stimuli mostly, stimuli that is not accessible to me at the moment. This got me to thinking about meditations.

If not deities, what power greater than myself do I still believe in of that magnitude? Even after the melodrama of mysticism is stripped away, what is my compass that moves me?

Connectedness & Causality ,

The red thread,

a web that connects, effects all beings, all things

Synchronicity

Just thinking about those fundamental truths brings me a sort of warm, inner peace throughout my body.

I’ve been telling myself for ages that I need to re-integrate a consistent meditation practice back into my life, so… i’ve decided that every day I will set time aside to meditate on the wonderment of connectedness and causality, which exceeds my human capacity to understand existence

And… see how that affects my mood.

100 Days of Productivity 🏖 . Day 30, 31

🐾 wonder of wonders, GSD has been doing much better on our walks

💜 Took Kiddo and GSD on a nice, be it swelling, walk for milkshakes

💚 Been jogging each morning before the heat blasts in

I’m not quite there, but I’m finally starting to experience the dopamine benefits of it. i’m not in good enough shape to get to that ‘flow state’ like I can when I hula hoop yet though.

📚 worked on my presentation

Got the bare bones of it put together

📚 reviewed the literature

📚 put together the outline

💙 read some studies on the psychological benefits of awe and what elements of an experience have been tied to awe cross-culturally..

add a book to my wish list then realized I should probably finish a few of these before taking on another.

💙 I am nearly halfway through Maritime Park

My heroine is finally starting to develop a sense of self, but is still annoyingly demure and the female antagonist, Mary is increasingly manipulative (which differs than her depiction in the movies where she’s just incompatibly modern)

💙 meditated before bed

Last few days have been mostly uneventful as we hide inside from a historic heatwave. It’s moments like this where I am grateful for our blessings, but also for the changes I’ve made, both in attitude and action, which have put me in a better position to deal with situations preemptively. Things would suck so much right now if I hadn’t put myself in a financial position where I could buy a couple air conditioners or had the foresight to get them ahead of time before this summer got bad..

Kiddo lost my scissors, so she spent all Sunday cleaning her room in search of them. At first I was really frustrated since I needed them, but I checked myself and switched to a relatable consequence instead. 👍

When I took GSD for a jog along the trail, on the way back I turned my music off. Everything was serene and sun-kissed with splashes of canopy shadow. A light breeze broke the hot air and each cluster of shade had a pleasant coolness about it. Swarms of butterflies, white and gold, fluttered around us in a halo. It was beautiful.

Later I talked to RB about awe. He is my very favorite non-practitioner Buddhist, so naturally lives in the present moment and the wonder of small things to his day. When I tell him about the butterflies he shares in my delight

and there is beauty in that too.. Beauty in the vulnerability of being able to safely share small things.

We talk a little more about moving in together in about a year. My grad school is an hour-ish away. I won’t need to worry about commute for the first year, but by next year I will have to find a way there and back once a week. I tell myself it’s a bridge to cross when I get there. RB offers to drive me, says it will be easy if we are living together.. that he‘ll just bring a book. His nonchalant thoughtfulness is touching.

#journal #my writing #writing #motherhood #parenting #100 days of productivity #studystudystudy #positivemindset #relationship #love #rblovestory #existentialism #meditation

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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100 Days of Productivity. Day 87

💜 enrolled my kiddo in some math tutoring over the summer

💙 had my first appointment with my new counselor

Seems like a good fit. He has experience with trauma and digging deeper, which is uncommon at these sort of community mental health organizations. he was also really good at managing our time constructively rather than letting our 45 minutes be whatever. He had me look into the Enneagram. I don’t particularly value personality profiles, but if it helps speed up his understanding of me then it’s fine. I explained to him I have an avoidant default mechanism to deal with my anxiety because the anxiety leads to debilitating depression, so he had me look into ‘type 9’. Avoidant, flowy people. Humorously, these are the exact kind of people I don’t get on well with because their excessive avoidance is a bull in a China shop.. So I took a quiz. I suppose I’m like a ‘type 5’, except the stereotype someone who craves knowledge is anti-social and lacks social intelligence. Type 6 seems true of my survivalism. ‘Type 4’ is a stretch though. I do want to live authentically, but I my ‘uniqueness’ has been more of an inconvenience than anything I aspired for. as for ‘type 2’, I do highly value living a life of compassion and helpfulness, but I couldn’t give a flying fuck if people‘like me’. This is why i think over generalizings like Myers-Briggs templates are bs..

98% MATCH Type 5 is described as The Investigator. Fives seek understanding and knowledge, and are more comfortable with data than people.

96% MATCH Type 6 is also known as The Skeptic. Sixes are preoccupied with security, seek safety, and like to be prepared for problems.

91% MATCH Type 4 is known as The Individualist. Fours want to be unique and to live life authentically, and are highly attuned to their emotional experience.

90% MATCH Type 2 can be described as The Giver. Twos want to be liked and find ways that they can be helpful to others so that they can be loved and belong.

86% MATCH Type 7 is described as The Enthusiast. Sevens want to have as much fun and adventure as possible and are easily bored.

78% MATCH Type 1 can be thought of as The Perfectionist. Ones place a lot of emphasis on following the rules and doing things correctly.

76% MATCH Type 8 is also known as The Challenger. Eights see themselves as strong and powerful and seek to stand up for what they believe in.

61% MATCH Type 3 is also known as The Achiever. Threes want to be successful and admired by other people, and are very conscious of their public image.

45% MATCH Type 9 is also called The Peacemaker. Nines like to keep a low profile and let the people around them set the agenda.

📚 Read a little on dialectic behavioral therapy

⭐️ scheduled an appointment to do some paperwork

💙 cooked a good dinner even though I didn’t feel up to it

💕 enjoyed more of Narnia with RB and kiddo

♥️ Had quality time with RB and a more passionate evening

Which is only worth mentioning because when two people are exhausted and stressed out it’s very easy to fall into a routine of laying down in a comfortable bed together and checking out mentally to a TV show that requires no mental energy ( bonus points if the plot is completely on relatable and somehow makes you feel better about your own life ) however, such a routine is not an aphrodisiac.

——-

Unfortunately, by the time I got done talking with my counselor about everything that is stressful and agitates my anxiety, I felt pretty drained, flat, well, anxious.. did not accomplish anything else really. I think today I just need to push grad school out of my mind entirely, so I can be at least a little productive on pressing things that need to be taken care of right now, not six months from now.

One of the nonprofits got back to me about possibly helping out with their support groups, so that’s good. Another domestic violence nonprofit got back to me, but they don’t expect to offer another training until fall.

I guess the only thing I want to reflect on at the moment is how grateful I am that RB is very good at creating a space where I can safely breathe, Makes it so I can just be... whether that’s venting a bit, chatting about nonsense and cracking dark jokes to get my mind off things, or laying in silence with my head rested on his chest listening to his heartbeat, not very much left in me.

Kiddo has also been much better about getting her schoolwork done lately, which is a beautiful reprieve.

#journal #writing #my writing #motherhood #parenting #100 days of productivity #relationship #love #RBlovestory #anxiety #adulting #depression

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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Such a wonderful weekend.. Friday we had our first mommy-daughter adventure since before Covid..

Saturday, after being together a year and a half, RB was finally able to introduce me to his family 💕

(Father, stepmother, sister, her husband, and their three children)

It was one of those things I mentioned in passing that suddenly came together quite quickly. As I dashed around the apartment trying to get ready, trying to throw together my best ‘I have my shit’, but not over-dressed, ‘meet the parents’ ensemble, I was laughing into the Whirlpool of my nervousness, “ Why did I do this to myself? I did not think this through. I just had to open my big mouth, didn’t I?”

I’m the first real girlfriend since the divorce and the only new female creature since to be invited to meet anyone. I was a bit afraid they would eat me alive like hyenas circle their prey.

😆

Everything went fine though. They had an assortment of tasty goodies. I nonchalantly consumed way too much coffee and sugar. It was all a casual, backyard brunch in the sun. A May breeze carries the lavender from a few of their trees that have been growing several decades. They talk about transplanting some to RB’s sister’s home so their trees can live on generationally. Everyone was friendly and good-humored. RB’s dad even made some dark jokes about freezer care to keep bodies their freshest, which made me feel more at home than I expected. Oddly enough, they also have family from my home state. How serendipitous that my boyfriend’s folks are fellow East Coast transplants. we reminisce about New England things like Dunkin’ Donuts and Friendly’s ice cream. The sister and I share post-Covid mom banter. I talk with his stepmom about appreciating the simple joys in life. His family made sure my kiddo felt welcomed and included.. Little things like when they gifted their grandchildren each a coloring book and pencil set they also had one for Kiddo, which was particularly thoughtful given how last minute this was. When RB’s stepmother handed me a gift bag of lavender scents I was glad I scooped up those truffles while I was exploring with Kiddo Friday. Kiddo was shy initially, but as people chatted with her she worked up the courage to be outgoing and the kids brought her into their games. soon she was darting through the yard with the best of them whopping a kickball with badminton rackets. as lunch came to a close everyone embraced goodbye and extended their hugs to me as well. The children were sad to go and ’ we should all do this again soon’ s were exchanged as if to say, “ you may bring her again” 😆

RB’s level of grace is almost saintly. 😆

RB did so much driving to make Saturday happen.. 40 minutes to grab us, about 2 hours to brunch, 2 hours to bring us home, another 40 to bring his son home, another 40 to get himself home, another 45 to come back to me, Plus he swung by a store to surprise me with roses and chocolate covered strawberries, then he took Kiddo out so she could pick her own Mother’s Day gift and they returned with Indian, so I wouldn’t have to cook dinner. When RB laid on the bed I felt as though he would fall asleep at any second before he even had a chance to tuck in under the blankets, but he stayed awake anyway in the event Kiddo might need his help again decorating something in the kitchen I was not allowed to see.

At no point did he grown even a little.. He’s pretty amazing.. I wish I could be more open with my friends about RB. It sucks when there’s no one in your life you can celebrate your joy with, specially since every other part of my life is so chronically stressful.

Being able to celebrate joy amplifies joy. Adulthood isn’t intrinsically monotone and miserable. People choose to stop celebrating their wins, little moments, events once someone stops orchestrating the festivities for them 🤷🏻‍♀️ then they bitch nostalgically. Part of being an adult is realizing that you are responsible for your own happiness and that mostly requires intention.

It’s a little annoying that I’m everybody else’s cheerleader, but nobody can be fully present when things are going well for me. Nevertheless, I know me gushing about my fantastic relationship would be rubbing salt into their wounds... So when they ask me how RB and I are doing i share a little, but keep it brief then we go back to their stuff.

Mother’s Day was also blissful, but I will have to write about that tomorrow. Can’t spent all morning journaling.

#journal #writing #my writing #motherhood #parenting #relationship #love #couples goals #RBlovestory #adulting

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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RB and I have time to relax with our coffees before he zips off to work. My dog is getting better about tempering his enthusiasm, but is still ever ecstatic to discover RB’s presence in the morning. I joke with RB, “Good news? He likes you. Bad news? He likes you.”

I hear my 10 year old’s alarm jingle. Soon after she emerges from her room dressed, ready for the day ahead. When I hug my kiddo like we always do I notice the husk of her body has become denser, more solid, more autonomous and less my baby.

100 Days of Productivity . Day 52

My biggest accomplishment yesterday was not letting my anxiety paralyze me.

After jotting down my thoughts here I popped a beta blocker, cuddled up with my dog, hopped on Google scholar, and got to it with at least the objective of finding some relevant research. I then decided I had time to tackle a bit more before RB arrived. It was a self-esteem boost to have successfully shook off my adrenaline fatigue stupor and that Tuesday was not a wash.

⭐️ solved the mystery of Kiddo’s smart bulb being dumb

⭐️ tinkered with some new accessibility tools on my laptop

📚 found a study surveying employer stigmas towards hiring blind employees and moderators that improved their attitudes

📚 found a study confirming the gender gap in annual income (blind males versus blind females)

📚 also found some other articles that may be helpful for my paper

📚 wrote up my two descriptions

⭐️ Week 1 of FODMAP

I am effervescent, delighted to be steadily digging myself out of a very stressful thing that has been standing on my neck for well over a year.

RB helps around the house in small ways that enable ease. It’s surreal to not trudge through every day doing my best to ignore the awareness I’m facing all incessant obstacles alone. it is the contrast of a war zone you are surviving solo versus the inquisitive lightness of being on a colorful journey.

RB and I crack jokes over a round of a Othello while dinner bakes. I notice he’s more silly, playful than usual. I like it.

I am multitasking finishing our game and cooking when hungry Kiddo appears from her cave. I suggest she could expedite the process by chopping up a cucumber for the salad, which she does then quickly vanishes, lest I give her another job. 😆 i’m grateful that she’s getting old enough to help out more. Hopefully the worst of nightmare 9’s are behind us. Being able to delegate at least some tasks around here is invaluable. Small stuff like her being responsible for the towels each week. I’m also very mindful to not turn her into my ‘teammate’ though. I’ve seen too many single, especially disabled parents make their kids grow up too fast to compensate for their lack of partner.

GSD is slathering RB in kisses while he attempts to read us another chapter of Narnia. The room is engulfed in giggles and I realize I am smiling so wide my cheeks hurt. I do that more lately. It occurs to me that perhaps a meaningful life has little to do with the umbrellas of western or eastern philosophy, classical nor post-modern. Perhaps one’s life can only be measured in laughter?

#journal #writing #my writing #motherhood #100 days of productivity #parenting #studystudystudy #relationship #positivemindset #love #couples goals #RBlovestory

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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100 Days of Productivity. Day 70

🐾 continuing with the GSD training.

He’s been acting slightly less spastic and actually did a pretty good job when I asked my boyfriend to accompany me on the walk as an intentional distraction. GSD loves my boyfriend obnoxiously. I expected him to practically disjoint my shoulder, but he did ok, despite RB and the excitement of all the neighborhood children zigzagging in every direction

💚 I worked out by 8 AM

( my golden window of opportunity before I get pulled into the mom-school-dog-cooking-damnit, now I have to clean up what I just cooked-calls-peopling undertow )

💙 In the spirit of not letting my bleak school readings depress the hell out of me, I read a few articles about successful mental health interventions for the blind.

📚 i found numerous articles on sighted person stereotypes and attitudes towards the blind for my paper.

Spoiler: that was depressing, but... it needs to be done.

💙 I looked up a couple interventions that helped the sighted participants Attitudes improve towards the blind

💙 Did nice things for my skin and hair

💜 got my Kiddo to her conflict resolution styles workshop.

⭐️ Finally cooked that spaghetti squash

I’m lucky to be partially sighted. In most cases my blindness is an invisible disability. I don’t quite fit into the “blind community “because of it. I’ve learned how to posture myself like a sighted person in many scenarios to avoid these countless stigmas I’m reading stats about, but I shouldn’t have had to.. and many blind people don’t have the option to conceal the extent of their blindness at a job interview, on a date, at a party, in their classes. I had a friend get turned away for months in my ultra ‘ Rara diversity! We want inclusivity for all!’ town because nobody wanted a visually impaired roommate. The normalized, unaddressed prejudice, rejection, poverty, under-education, and lack of representation.. it’s really hard out there for blind people. It has been for like, ever, on a global scale. Yes, it makes me angry that there’s near nothing being fucking done about it.

Sigh.. 😞

On a happier note..

RB surprised me with a more concrete talk about moving in together. Those conversations are always awkward because neither one of us particularly likes talking about money, but each talk is meaningful.He’s decided to take on the steady task of decluttering in preparation to eventually uproot. At first he was talking about going straight from sell to buying, which seemed to me a pretty big plunge, but since I’m not the one who has to sell my house to buy a new one and I’m aware much of the financial burdens would be on him, I just figured I would roll with however he felt comfortable blending lives as long as wherever we ended up was pedestrian friendly. Now he’s thinking to get the ball rolling we could rent a duplex or house nearer to my area to test drive living together, and do that for however long until the right buy pops up. It’s still a ways out, but that timeline is definitely more feasible than the original idea to leapfrog us all into our next forever home. Even though there’s no date were specifically shooting for, it’s comforting he’s realistically thinking about these things and including my needs/wants into the equation.

I’m really grateful that RB understands sustaining my independence needs to be a non-negotiable priority. Every other boyfriend has treated me like a sidekick in their story when they speak of the future, a la 1950’s where a woman attaining a degree was tolerated, sometimes admirable, but if she wanted to marry it was understood she’d acquiesce to housewife. Instead of my lane being about gender, it’s often the implications of being disabled.

✨ Fuck that.. ✨

#journal #writing #my writing #motherhood #parenting #100 days of productivity #studystudystudy #disability activism #disabled #angry vent #relationship #couples goals #love #RBLOVESTORY

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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100 Days of Productivity . Day 67-68-ish

🐾 Been keeping up with GSD’s training walks

At first just in the mornings, I added a second in the evenings. I’ve noticed the cool air, serenity ,and stretching our legs is a good start for us both. I’m in a better mood by the time I get to my first cup of coffee.

💜 Helped Kiddo with Girl Scout stuff

Zoom has opened so many interesting doors. Pretty cool women on the forensics team of the F.B.I. had a booth to explain to the girls about how they use science to solve crimes and a female department head gave education/career track info then they offered a Q&A after in chat. We also managed to catch the Storytellers’ Workshop, which was a fun think tank for my lil writer.

💙 I Drew

Two TEDTalks about time prioritization really got me thinking about how I’ve been squandering my tidbits of time by mindlessly scrolling rather than doing something that ‘feels good’ for my self esteem. In the spirit of reconnecting with things at once brought me joy when I was younger like how I now play the Sims, bought a hamster wheel, and have started this journal, once upon a time when I was bored or had nothing better to do I would doodle randomness. I didn’t set out to draw an emotionally charged representation of my soul. I had five minutes to kill. I drew things like storks balanced on basketballs. I drew whatever nonsense popped into my head.

❤️ Got everyone out of the house into the sunshine

💜 Had Kiddo’s photography printed up into a hard cover book

🐾 Introduced GSD to RB’s cats for the first time

...which... could have gone better 😅 but could have gone worse so... sun zero?

⭐️ I feel like we weekend’ed well 😊

Saturday I’m in one of those moods where I need a clone or two to be all the things I am attempting to do, but it all worked out in a haphazard way. Thanks to Pandemic Life, Kiddo is learning about DNA extraction and fingerprint collecting. I’ve decided to sit in my windowsill near sunshine, near an April breeze with my sketchbook contemplating the statistics I’m avoiding.. and this feels better to me than the autopilot I’ve slumped into. If I were chitchatting with a stranger about how I spend my time I would feel good about drawing, but not describing hours amiss in screen lull.

RB, Kiddo and I have our first warm spring outing: at the park we make conversation with geese, ducks, and chickens.

Parenting Win: Kiddo mentions eavesdropping on that TEdtalk I was watching about time prioritization and how she found it interesting.

She brings it up again later wanting me to explain how a routine can be a good, but apparently, also sometimes also a bad thing? I give kid friendly examples about how routines do help us get things done with less battery usage on our brains, but the talk pointed out our everyday routines can also be habits that don’t add to our happiness and sometimes a routine can even take us further away from what brings us happiness, so it’s important to regularly consider if how we spend our time can be tweaked to bring us more joy or builds up to more joy.

We all find a spot on the grass, shaded, yet sun-kissed. RB and I pass a sketchbook back and forth, adding to the obscurity with each turn: squiggles become a staircase. Bricks become bubbles. There’s a fish with pants tap dancing on a UFO.

Kiddo, Who knows everything at 10, did not follow my instructions to bring things to amuse herself. Guided by the timeless spirits of childhood, she eventually found the architectural splendor of building with sticks. I sometimes worry that over a year of being mostly comfortably indoors (The most subdued, easy-going of plagues history seen), she may have forgotten how to be bored, how to invent her own entertainment in nature, but in this moment as she builds her little hut with the utmost focus, I know she is alright. she reflects on the temporary satisfaction of her stick creation, reflecting on its impermanence. Eventually it collapses. She’s on a mission for more structurally sound branches. I guess the tail end of that architecture workshop at the STEM fair that afternoon made an impression after all?

There’s something hilarious, almost satirical, that her new favorite stuffed animal is the plague doctor plushy.

She’s ecstatic to discover a secret garden within the bushes that will look even more impressive once the green has fully bloomed. We have to leave soon. I surprise her by shaping her fallen twigs into a smiley face for her to return to. We agree to leave it for someone else to find.

Later RB ordered us some exceptionally tasty pad Thai, colorful with crisp veggies and peanut crumbles.. Kiddo requested Movie Night, so we found something on Amazon that was one of the darkest kids movies I’ve ever watched, morbid plot only softened by cute, CGI cats. Kiddo didn’t seem to mind though. She’s just glad for the icing on the cake to an already sweet day.

Sunday RB had a touched smile that Kiddo woke him up with a good morning hug. We braved our way to RB’s house so GSD could finally meet the kitties.. It... did not go great. GSD was obnoxiously excited and whiny the entire time. The cats hid. On the bright side, GSD was curious, but not predatory, which gives me hope. When he got a little too nosy one of the cats took a swipe at his nose and he backed off rather than get angry. He did however yip a bark at both the cats, asserting his dominance. Mayhaps after being scratched he no longer found the cats so curious. GSD did love RB’s fenced backyard though. It’s a think only the fourth time in his little German Shepherd life he’s been able to frolic off leash.

There was a happy hint of our future, our blended family, our life in progress this last weekend. As GSD darted through the grass, RB and I stood in an embrace, staring beyond the field, off into the mountains. RB was able to get some adulting done while Kidfo and I lounged. There was a brief window GSD rested calmly, quietly, while we watched a mini doc on quantum entanglement, which I thought Kiddo was ignoring until she asked about how atomic bombs work. We nibble on baby carrots, crackers and brie.

GSD went back to being a jerk shortly after that, but it was quite nice for a moment there. 😆

everyone was pretty mentally exhausted from my dog’s antics. Unsurprisingly, when we got back to my apartment it was essentially naptime. RB rested while I did some of my own adulting. Kiddo disappeared in her room to draw her submission for a T-shirt design contest. it’s cool to see her eager about the contest with a desire to put effort forth. She shows me her adorable cartoon and explains how she looked up animals that represent peace first. In the past, she was insecure about competitions of any sort. It says something about how her self-esteem has grown.

I whipped up cheeseburgers on Shibata bread for dinner, which were a hit and we had bowls of frozen strawberries drizzled in honey for dessert.. We watched a show and off to bed.. happy weekend.

#journal #writing #my writing #parenting #100 days of productivity #relationship #love #family #RBlovestory #positivemindset #happylife #drawing #sketch

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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RB and I sit cuddled up on the couch with our sketch pads. The graphite plum tree growing on my paper is deceptively tranquil. The breeze from which the tiny lanterns dangle is my exhale, warding off an anxiety attack, breathing deep, slow, through my otherwise bottled distress. Such a peaceful scene as I remember why I do not allow myself to fully feel these days.

There is too much. and.. for now, it hurts too much to hold it, myself, in my arms.

I can only hope that someday there will be less to carry.

I want to be present with RB, cherishing this adorable moment plucked from my fluttering daydreams of what love will be on a Tuesday afternoon once I found my person. I want to relax, but it’s hard to forget the monumentous hourglass pressing on my throat.. RB caresses my cheek as I fall into the rippling husk of my “I’m fine. Everything is fine” plum tree. I want to cry, but can’t. I sigh, soothed, half rest my head on his chest, rest my eyes into his warmth as he sketches a robotic cat. He smells like bonfire and sweet brandy cologne.

My spunky kiddo emerges from her room. She is an ecstatic chatterbox. I invite her to bring her own sketchbook out to join in drawing with us, quietly. There is something about everyone together on the sectional doodling away, sleepy puppy in the corner, electronic lounge on low, which makes me feel more like things will somehow be ok.

kiddo has finished her swag comic of GSD. I am irritated trees have so many leaves. RB has abandoned his robotic cat. So... I decide to start the drawing game where everyone adds a little bit of nonsense until whatever ridiculousness seems finished. Everyone is giggling at our concoction.

RB looks as though he could fall asleep at any minute. I urge him to take a nap. At first he declines, I think disliking driving all the way here to see me just to disappear in my room, but then in an instant of exhausted inspiration, he agrees. I’m really glad that RB appreciates, but doesn’t take advantage of my empathy. Reading people is kinda my super power, but I’m not perfect. I miss stuff sometimes. I don’t always get it right. I hate it when people have expected me to be a mind reader about their wants and needs.

Kiddo and I continue adding to the silly cartoon. She shares with me more of her ongoing cat’s diary.

Later I joke with RB that this is the next progression of our relationship: Sharing space while doing our own thing. We laugh, but there’s truth to it. Someday when we get a place the time/space we share won’t always be focused on each other. It Can’t nor should it be. Codependence isn’t cute 😝

I whipped up everybody turkey sandwiches for dinner. Easy Peezy.

As I came around the corner I saw Kidfo and RB hug good night, which was heart melty. I’m glad my lil reassuring talk with him the other night helped alleviate that weirdness like two people intersecting in a hallway clumsily shuffling around each other unsure what to do. It’s been almost funny watching them stand there on the brink of hugging, but then no one makes the first move, so they wave goodbye before the idleness gets awkward.

#journal #writing #my writing #motherhood #relationship #love #RBlovestory #drawing #anxiety #depression #family #couples goals

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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100 Days of Productivity 🏖 . Day 25, 26, 27

✨ it’s official ❣️My grad school acceptance letter finally came! ✨

🎈I start grad school in the fall 🎈

🎉

💚 Been hula hooping and walking each day

💜 Kiddo started her math tutoring, which she was happy about after, so that’s a win

💜 also set up her math rpg gaming account

💜 Got Kiddo outside for fresh air and some peopling

💙 I doodled in the shade while the kids played

📚 submitted my commencement application

⭐️ wrote up a positive feedback letter for a professor towards their promotion

⭐️ bought air filters to make my box fans into makeshift air purifiers in the event we have another wild fire kind of summer

📚 got in touch with one of my professors for a letter of rec toward my masters scholarship

💛 wrote up the second draft to my scholarship letter

⭐️ rearranged my bedroom and made it more cozy

🧡 had a couple helpline sessions

🌟 set up my air conditioner before the heat wave hits this weekend,

which was… cumbersome, but Kiddo was a good sport about letting me borrow her eyes and with our powers combined we managed to get it done!

⭐️ finally hung that Josephine wall tapestry that’s been bunched up on the shelf for ages

💙 nearly finished with Pride and Prejudice

💕 did another movie night

🐾 GSD training somewhere in all that, though not enough

As I attempt to update this, I’m reminded why I write daily. Today is Thursday. I scarcely remember Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.. The chronology is mostly lost to me.

Monday..

with the best of intentions, we took my dog for a walk. He was difficult the whole way. As I shuffle my miscreant pup, mom’ing, rummaging through my bag for my credit card as the espresso machine roars, my phone rings. I have to ask my (hopefully) grad school if they will call me back in 5 minutes. FML 😆 all‘s well that ends well though. I received my acceptance letter later that afternoon. 🥳

Later kiddo sits beneath a shaded tree with a couple other little girls. they whisper amongst themselves giggling. I find a beach to doodle nonsensically, passing the time, briefly recalling that I am still an artist, considering maybe I have been over complicating this with worry Life has carried me away from art. It seems like The only thing missing is that I need to get out of the house more, to simply sit alone in quiet contemplation taking in the environment for inspiration then.. drawing happens.

Kiddo decides to make herself macaroni and cheese on the stove for the first time. Never has a bowl of Kraft been so savored as a 10 year old relishing her self-efficacy with every bite.

Tuesday…

We walked 20 minutes to sushi then had to turn right around because Kiddo forgot her mask. I was silent on the walk back not wanting my cumulative frustration with adolescence and possibly ADHD things become an overreaction. At home I decide a fair, natural consequence is that she make us tuna sandwiches for lunch.

I breathe through ‘blind girl’ anxiety as I battle to install my air conditioner. The air conditioner is winning. The instructions are tiny, blurry, and irksome, but I’m too stubborn to quit. Halfway through I realize it will be necessary to rearrange my entire bedroom to make space for this contraption. Kiddo humors my confused irritability. It’s one of those occasions I am yet again exceptionally grateful for her literacy. When I point to a column she reads the next setup instructions aloud. With the project at long last complete, we both plop on my bed basking in the coolness of our 68 degree triumph.

Later RB treats everyone to a victory dinner. Mmmmmm Grande burritos 🤤

RB has had his own adulting victories that day, but struggles with workplace anxiety. I suggest we both meditate before bed. The fan hum draws us in. He describes feeling the lead of his worry lifting off his chest a little more the deeper he returned to his meditation until he was fast asleep. I feel and anxiousness lifting from my body too, but for me it is the warm lull of safety I have not known nearly enough of in this life. We both awoke we’ll rested.

I’m glad RB appreciates meditation. There was a decent chunk of my life where meditation was a major priority and on my relationship wish list.. then I dated a few douche-y New Age guys and it became less of a boyfriend criteria. In fact, I was pretty determined to never date another self professed ‘spiritual/philosophical guy’ again. 😅 RB doesn’t at all come off as the sort of man who’d practice meditation, so that’s been an endearing, healthy coping mechanism we casually share and support each other in.

Wednesday….

Kiddo has been using the chibi drawing tutorial book RB gave her. On his arrival, she rushes into the kitchen giddy to show him how it’s progressing.

RB and Kiddo watch the popcorn machine with wonder as fluffy kernels explode into the pot. I dig my hands in to toss the Parmesan olive oil, butter and garlic salt. RB grins. He has a fascinated twinkle to his eye saying, “it looks like you’re hunting for your keys”, to which I reply cheekily, “what makes you think I’m not?” I get Jurassic Park 3 rolling. I notice Kiddo uses scooting in for popcorn as an excuse to cuddle with RB and me. My heart is happy. Later the puppy joins us and we are quite the cute little family, all under throw blankets on the sectional, watching dinosaurs eat people.

#journal #my writing #writing #motherhood #parenting #100 days of productivity #studystudystudy #positivemindset #relationship #love #rblovestory #adulting #happiness #happylife

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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100 Days of Productivity 🏖 . Day 23, 24

💕 created an uplifting Father’s Day for everyone ✅

⭐️ Kiddo helped me cook a pot roast

⭐️ and we baked our first ever cheesecake (peanut butter cheesecake with an Oreo crust and a chocolate ganache), which against all odds came out delicious

It was..every bit the emotional roller coaster I’d feared.

😆

It took two walks to the store. I was up until past midnight taking care of things. I.. was not in a great mood by the end of the evening. Even though I followed the Insta pot recipe to a T, I discovered in the morning that the cheesecake was still raw in the middle. I was about to abandon hope, but thankfully, Google had some tips. I ended up ‘rebaking it’ on the lowest heat my oven can go, checking on it every five minutes for probably a good 45 minutes then re-setting, re-cooling the whole damn thing this time partly in the freezer, then to the fridge. Making the ganache was surprisingly easy though. As I lifted away the pan I could almost hear a drum roll in my head. Well, it looked like cheesecake! That was a start, but the moment of truth would be RB’s expression as he took a bite. Miraculously, it all worked out. I did a little dance 😆

⭐️ navigated a crowded grocery store without letting my bubbling anxiety attack get the better of me

⭐️ got the house a bit more straightened up

⭐️ FINALLY put together that steam cleaner that’s been sitting in the box next to the piano since Xmas 😬😅

💙 more than halfway through Pride and Prejudice

💚 Been hula hooping

💜 got kiddo outside in the sun where she had an opportunity to play with some of the hopefully non-problematic children in my apartment complex

I’m a little nervous for.. A number of reasons, but console myself that we are outside and at a certain point we have to live a little. I can’t stay away from everyone forever. I am vaccinated. My partner is vaccinated. That’s the most I can do. I can’t hide us away until this is all over when the truth is there might always be some new variant, some new possible concern. In this moment, I just want my little girl to be able to run through the grass, through the playground laughing with the other children as they twirl in pool toys like inflated ballerinas. For a little while I just want us to be present and happy.

🐾 did some GSD socializing/training

My dog is acting like an unnecessarily anxious idiot, whimpering and whining, but that’s OK. He’ll live. he needs to be desensitized also. This was actually improving until they brought out their dog, which made GSD immediately inconsolable. It all worked out though. GSD and their dog play well together. As soon as GSD realized who it was he was very happy. I’m glad he was at least mindful to not disjoint my shoulder and his enthusiasm. We even let them off leash for a little bit to get their puppy wiggles out. GSD is small for his breed, but still much larger than most dogs. I was glad that he is good-natured and not into establishing dominance.

💙 it’s been a few days now where I can officially say after months of trying different skin care products, my face is finally clear enough where I feel comfortable again not wearing make up ✅

That’s a big deal for me. Vain as it is, dealing with cystic acne pecks at my self-esteem.. It’s nice to have a little bit of my aesthetic and confidence restored.

Father’s Day Thoughts….

Aside from calling Grandpa, we usually let Father’s Day pass as unremarkably as possible. this year I invited RB and his son over for what I hoped would be a nice, very early dinner. Although I find the growing closeness between Kiddo and RB to be moving, RB and I are both mindful to not distress her by posturing him as ‘the new dad’. So the other day on the trail when Kiddo mentioned to me she wanted to make him a card I had a moment of hesitation, looking beyond the trees a little, but also not wanting to project onto her good nature with my grown-up over-analytical-ness. I tried to hint at my concern without making a big deal of it, checking in to make sure she was doing OK because ‘fathers’ is a painful topic at times. She understood my meaning and explained that she liked RB as a person and he is ‘a father’ so she’d like to make him a card, which was just fine.

Indeed, what she writes inside the card is comical and congenial.

Yet… I see her extra care, focus she’s putting into the card, even more so than mementos she gives me. Her effervescence is thinly veiled, bubbly, chatty, discreetly excited that they will be coming over tomorrow, and that for the first time ever, we will be celebrating a Father’s Day. She is glowing when she hands RB his gift. I notice the creases to the corners of his eyes as he smiled warmly, touched. They hug again. RB’s son admires the spring she has created to make the cat-dog cartoon pop out when the card opens. The kids right after until l’inner is served. The pot roast is a hit. The kids discuss mostly Minecraft, but I’m able to change topics briefly to the Mars rover 360 footage.

#journal #my writing #writing #motherhood #parenting #100 days of productivity #positivemindset #relationship #love #RBlovestory #adulting #fathersday #happylife #happiness

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throughthewwods · 3 years

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100 Days of Productivity. Day 56-ish

📚 wrote up my response to the book Heart Berries.

Now I only have my lit review to write and I am done with at least one of my Incompletes, which would be such a relief and motivation boost. Boarding myself up in my bedroom so Kiddo didn’t overhear as I plowed through hours of often graphic trauma material day after day was not fun for my PTSD. 😬

Glad to have it done. 🥳

🧡 Created a little game plan to give the next 6 months some direction

💙 did some house stuff that was bugging me

💚 worked out for the second day in a row without my leg getting angry

Woke up still in good shape today, so that’s delightful. I enjoy being able to walk without squinting in pain. seriously though, it’s a big deal. I can’t drive. I need to be able to still walk everywhere again once this house cat life is behind me and I can rejoin the world. this reoccurring strain is no Bueno.

💚 I’m on 🎉Day 14🎉 of my super restrictive elimination diet!

And I only cheated a couple times in small ways 😆

🥳

Gawd I don’t want the last two weeks to be forever - I’m French. Fresh bread and butter is life. Cooking without any garlic and onion has been blasphemous 😬 but something I was previously eating was definitely making my digestive system unhappy. I hate to admit it, but there’s an obvious improvement and I’ve been sleeping better, which means waking up with more energy and mental faculties to handle existence. I also lost some of the Covid squish that’s had me feeling a tad insecure, so... I may keep at this. 🤷🏻‍♀️

💙 talked to my counselor finally for the first time in a month

He had some helpful anxiety grounding suggestions. By the end of our session I realized the only way I’m going to feel safe a.k.a. not anxious about my research methods class is if I go back to the beginning and review everything 🙄 ughhhh... yay... this morning I am trying to remind myself that having a plan you’re not thrilled about is better than drowning in no course of action.

This morning Kiddo is proud of how much her hand writing has improved over the last year. She is giggly showing me her comic about the rise and fall of a tiny Napoleon Bonaparte. She wants to join a drama club. I am laughing to myself at the fulfillment of a prophecy I foresaw when she was three as she faked a fall then came down the hall limping tragically.

Last night RB came over despite the brain zaps. At first I was a little nervous about what would happen if he weaned off the Zoloft, but the change has been positive. I can tell he’s generally happier and less stuck in slow motion. He is more talkative and lately, more inspired. His eyes are electric as he muses aloud the obscure parts he envisions needing for the sculptures he wants to build and explains to me some of the process of how recycled randomness becomes a desk lamp. His reignited artistic passion is an aphrodisiac.