I AM NOT A ROBOT: A SHORT RIDICULOUS LOKI FIC ABOUT HIM HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS I WROTE INSTEAD OF DOING MY HW
Loki sighed and stared at his computer helplessly. He'd been trying to get in the website for hours. Made a password and everything. He was just stuck on the final step.
It was stupid, really. All he had to do was check a pathetically small box. Then he could move on and buy up all the stock of black nail polish Amazon had to offer. But first, the box.
He got up from his chair and rubbed his eyes wearily. It's exhausting, having a existential crisis while staring into the void of your computer screen. He was thirsty, so he went into the kitchen and made himself some coffee. As dark as possible. After it had brewed, he blew on the cup gently. Then he took a sip.
And spewed the nastiness everywhere. He'd protested at first when Thor had offered to add some sugar to the coffee, but now he understood. He walked over to the sugar container and literally dumped a shit ton into his cup, then stirred vigorously. He blew on it again and took another sip.
And slammed his mug ferociously into the counter. Now, it was too sweet. He went to the sink and dumped the contents down it, disgusted with not only the coffee, but himself. What kind of god doesn't know how to make decent coffee?
He walked back into his room, but the stupid screen was still there waiting for him. It was almost ominous, as he had turned all the other lights off, and only the glow of the laptop could be seen.
"Screw this." He muttered, and vanished into thin air.
He appeared at what looked to be a coffee shop. It had green letters that read "Starbucks."
He stormed into the store, startling a poor college student, who's coffee spilled over the floor. He ignored it.
"I am Loki, of Asgard." He announced, to everyone in the room. "And I am burdened with a serious need of caffeine." (I'm sorry this line is a literal joke but I just HAD TO)
Recovering from her previous state of shock, the barista smiled at this highly intimidating, clearly high off of his ass man.
"I'd suggest a hazelnut venti with whip cream." She said politely. (Plz excuse my coffee talk, I literally don't drink it ever so)
"Sounds perfect." Loki said.
"That'll be $7.99." She said, looking up expectantly.
Loki just stared at her until he realized. He began patting different pockets. Then he looked up, trying to hide the fact that he clearly had no money on him.
"I'm sorry, mortal." He said, plastering a nice smile on his face. "I'm afraid I left your form of currency at home."
"Well, we take credit or debit as well."
Loki conjured the card in his hand, and pretended to pull it out of his pocket. He handed it to her.
She swiped it.
"Name for the order is Loki, I assume?" She asked.
"Yes, weren't you-" Loki sighed. "Nevermind."
"We'll have that right out for you." She said.
Loki moved to sit at one of the tables, and waited. He suddenly noticed a little girl staring at him.
"What exactly are you looking at?" He asked her, annoyed.
She didn't respond. He realized that she might be too young to form words.
The mother noticed her child staring, and grabbed her.
"Sorry about that." She said. "Lucy's a curious little one. Only three."
Loki relaxed a little. "No harm done." He replied.
They sat in silence, until Loki's order was called. He rose to get it, then started walking out. But something stopped him. He turned and walked back to the table with the mom and Lucy.
"Do you think that I'm a robot?" He asked, completely out of the blue.
The mother looked slightly surprised, but decided to take the question seriously. Maybe it was because she had children.
Loki was getting anxious, almost wanted to walk away, but her smile stopped him.
"You look human to me." She told him.
He nodded awkwardly and left the Starbucks. He sipped it. Still to sweet, but that mattered less to him now.
Later that day, Loki pulled up the screen and clicked on the box. A green checkmark appeared.
I am not a robot.
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