#Most of these kinda people have a lot of self hate and guilt so that's the only way they know how to deal with it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

redditreceipts · 4 months

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I’ve been closed to getting peaked and checking out radblr for a while but something gets me about how much a lot of radblr hates ftms idk. There’s a lot of emphasis about how even if sex is otherwise consensual, lying to get consent you wouldn’t have otherwise gotten is rape by deception, which I agree with. However, on a post talking about straight men admitting they claim to be gay just to get sex from ftms “desperate for validation” I didn’t see a single radfem calling this out as rape by deception??? Just honestly people making fun of “delusional straight women” and how them getting manipulated by straight men into believing gay men want them “makes dating life harder for real gay men” and something just irks me about it. There’s a lot of talk about how feminism needs to fight for even female people who disagree and fight against our own rights but it feels like some radfems have no sense of solidarity for ftms, and can only conceive of us as tragic self hating lesbians or manipulative homophobic straight women. And it’s just frustrating because anyone who’s been ftm/some kind of transmasculine in trans communities know how much we don’t get to say fucking anything if it might remotely offend mtfs. I think claims of solidarity for women you disagree with is bullshit if you can’t find solidarity for female people who identify as trans.

hey :) sorry for the late answer

I think that this impression comes because of three reasons:

a lot of feminists receive insane amounts of harassment from ftms. like, death threats on a regular basis. especially on tumblr, where there are a lot more of trans men than trans women, it's just statistically more likely to get harassed by a trans man. but because of this, many have this kind of reaction towards trans men when they really shouldn't. I get that it's kinda hard to fight for the right of a person when they have just sent you death threats, but at the end, you are of course right and we have to fight for every female person, no matter their opinions. also, not all trans men engage in that kind of behaviour.

a lot of people here are detransitioners or desisters (people who have identified as transgender, but now have decided to not take the medical route). I myself have been identifying as non-binary for some time, but now I know that this came from internalised misogyny. I'm sometimes scared about what would have happened if I had listened to many ftm activists and taken the medical route. it's hard to not get bitter when I see people on here telling women just like me to start testosterone and maybe make the biggest mistake of their life. and there's always the thought of "that could have been me". but well, in the end, we can't act as if all trans men did that kind of thing. it's just a portion, even though they are the most vocal ones oftentimes. (also, there probably are some people for whom medical transition is the best option. we talk a lot about how internalised misogyny influences gender dysphoria, but there might as well be cases of gender dysphoria that people are just born with, or that are so ingrained that they can't be healed. these people deserve compassion and acceptance too)

for the thing with trans men in gay male dating spaces - that's probably where we disagree the most. I have been on lesbian events where there have been "trans lesbians", and there has been an insane amount of guilt-tripping, incel behaviour, and I have been sexually harassed by a "trans lesbian" who later went on to rape a lesbian (and yes, this weren't some internet people, all of that was in person). a lot of us have been exposed to this kind of predatory behaviour, and I think that there is no excuse for a straight person to go to a gay event and expect people to date you. full stop. is it shitty to trick trans men into sex by pretending to be a gay man? yes. is it sex under false pretenses? yes. are both of the involved parties engaging in a similar behaviour (i. e. acting as something you're not to have sex with members of a marginalised demographic)? yes. should we fight for and try to protect trans men? also yes. is it hard to have sympathy for a person that went into a space trying to do conversion therapy on gay men so they can have sex with them and got tricked themselves? at least for me, it is. but should we try to get over that feeling and help these trans men as well? definetly.

but well, I actually think that you yourself can add some interesting perspectives. being a feminist is not a religion, and you can find your own opinion. you don't have to agree with everything that is said here, and we are not like certain other online groups where everyone has to be in line or they're a traitor (or at least I hope not). if there are things you think people on here are wrong about, speak about it! tell us how to better support trans men and even better if it's from your own experience :) if you think that there is a voice missing, you yourself can be that voice. :)

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dippindaz · 2 years

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how do u think the grabber would react if reader fell pregnant? Like how would that go? 💀💀💀

A/N: :0 I- I had never even thought of this before you asked. I hope headcanons for this are ok! :) sorry this is kind of short as well I didn’t completely know what to write for it lmao, I don’t have much experience with kids.

Part 2 has been written and can be found here

The Grabber x Pregnant Reader

Warnings: Brief mention of a breeding kink, mentions of kidnapping, he’s insecure :’( and has a lot of guilt, reader is pregnant obvi, mentions you going into labor, Unedited

So, I think there’s a few different ways this could go, I think this is also dependent on your relationship.

For example, if you have no emotional bond and it was just kind of a one time (or even multiple time) thing I think it’s possible he would kill you out of fear for being a father, or maybe not kill you but kill the fetus. Such as stabbing your womb. I feel like he isn’t the kind of guy to do one night stands with random people so for this one you were definitely someone he kidnapped and then it just kinda happened.

The next possible way, and the way I like better cause it’s cuter, is if you did have an emotional bond. The relationship wasn’t just sex and was romantic, regardless if you were a kidnapped victim or not.

In this way, at first he’s probably panicking, however since he cares about you and loves you, he isn’t going to do anything as drastic as the other way.

If you’re a victim that’s still trapped in the basement he likely won’t visit you for a couple days. He just needs to get his emotions in check.

If you weren’t kidnapped or were and no longer stay in the basement, he’s pretty out of it around you. A bit distant but also extra emotional.

After the initial shock he’ll come back around acting more like his normal self.

He definitely apologies for being so weird.

He’s also more emotional than you, even with your messed up hormones.

One day he’s completely calm and collected, taking care of you. The next day he’s freaking out and panicking and venting to you about how he’s scared to mess up as a father.

If he hasn’t talked about his past with you he’s planning on talking you or already has now.

You’ll be gentle and assure him he isn’t the adults that were in his life. (Even though he kidnaps kids lmao)

Speaking of, he probably won’t be kidnapping any children at least not for a long time.

Once you’re in your third trimester he’s gonna baby tf out of you.

Like, you’re never alone now unless he’s at work.

He’ll 100% take the longest possible paternity leave he can.

Once you go into labor he’s gonna be panicking. Think of how in The Sims, sims panic while your sim is giving birth. Yeah that’s him right now.

At first he won’t want to hold the baby for fear of hurting it. It may take some convincing from you to get to finally do it.

Once he does, his entire world changes.

Be prepared for a lot of nervous but fun and careful dad grabber, cause that’s what he is.

He is determined to be better than any adults he ever knew as a kid and that makes him a pretty good dad.

Except most of the time you have to be the bad guy.

Also be prepared for some rough nights. Nights where he’s guilt ridden over all the horrible things he did to those random kids he kidnapped.

He almost couldn’t imagine ever kidnapping again now that he has his own kid. Almost.

Him and the kid are gonna best friends. Like they’ll be doing everything together.

If he ever makes his kid upset in any way, shape, or form, he is going panic and fear them hating him forever. Especially if he made them cry.

He also has this little constant fear in the back of his mind that they’ll be just like him. They’ll have his messed up thoughts, his fucked up emotions, a constant battle of good and evil inside their head.

He might not express just how scared he is but know, he is. He needs your comfort.

After the kid has been put to bed you’ll be playing in bed and it’s just one of those nights where he can’t turn off his brain. His thoughts are constantly going and his fears and worries are in the forefront of his mind.

You can tell easily when it’s one of those nights. He’ll only mumble a “goodnight” and be turned away from you, or be on his back staring at the ceiling.

Give him extra comfort and love on these nights. He needs to know he’s a good dad and hasn’t fucked up. He needs a distraction of his brain. You’re the only person who can distract him.

The next morning he’ll either be super sleepy and groggy or he’ll be calmer and happier.

Overall he’s a good dad, but he is insecure about it. He’s also always worrying about not just your kid but you.

Ngl to you, you being pregnant and having his kid probably created a whole kink that he didn’t know he had (aka a breeding kink)

If you both want it you’ll definitely be having another kid.

If not that’s ok, you’re both content and happy with the life you’ve got now.

(If your child is a girl he doesn’t want her to date ever)

(If they’re a boy he’s just as overprotective but more so just letting them go out alone)

Every birthday whether it’s yours or your child’s, he makes a homemade birthday cake.

When he first started doing he may or not have destroyed the kitchen

100% wants to homeschool your guys’ kid.

Long story short, he’s a good dad but he need your assurance.

Also, he encourages his kid to talk about their emotions.

#WhatWeAllNeededButNeverHad

#the black phone #horror #horror x you #the grabber #slashers x reader #slashers x you #the black phone x reader #the black phone x you #the grabber x reader #the grabber x you #horror x reader

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yama-o-utsusu · 2 years

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Sakura in the first series goes through one of the more important character developments. She starts out as naive, book smart, absolutely upreared for horrors of combat and war. Her views are simple and childishly self-centered, she doesn’t yet grasp the severity of life and death. She calls Naruto annoying, making snarky remarks at him. “Orphan” doesn’t fully register in her brain, because she’s young, naive and unaware. She is very quickly confronted by Sasuke, proved wrong and called “annoying” back. And that’s enough to make her think. During the bell tests, Sasuke shows her his darkness and she seems taken aback. A slow realization creeps into her but it only fully blooms during the Zabuza arc. She sees poverty, pain and death, and as she walks through impoverished village she realizes that life isn’t simple and colorful. It’s scary and anything she has read from any of her books didn’t prepare her for almost witnessing her teammate die. Being a ninja is not a game. She doubts herself, because despite what some people try to insinuate, she’s fully aware of her cons and shortcomings. Sasuke helps her out of that self doubt, because he likes her. She’s his teammate and when he almost died, she cried over him. And it feels nice and kinda fuzzy even, to have somebody care about you that much, but Sasuke would never admit that (Why would he say “you’re heavy”? He should’ve say “I’m alive” or even “get off” but he doesn’t. He speaks up to inform her he’s fine, but by that he also acknowledges their closeness and does not refuse it! It’s such a Sasuke thing to say, I could talk about this for hours) Forest of Death is the prime Sasusaku. I don’t understand how could somebody watch/read through it and not see it. There’s of course a lot of fear and pain but there’s also so much closeness and comfort and genuine care for one another. It’s a very important arc for the whole Team 7 but I’d argue it’s mainly Sasuke & Sakura’s. Sakura especially, as we see her develop a wider understanding of her place as a person, as a teammate and as a ninja. How she finally stumbles into action, saving Naruto from a fall and yelling at Sasuke. Because god, if anyone is going to do anything about this absolutely terrifying ninja, with a power they haven’t seen even from Zabuza, it’s Sasuke.

There’s this guilt of her own weakness looming over her as she takes care of her teammates. But she tries her best because someone has to, because she wants to. She wants to be stronger, to help but, most importantly, she wants Sasuke and Naruto to be safe.

It’s no wonder people think of Sasuke’s seal awakening as one of the most powerful scene of this arc. Because sure, it’s badass and cool but what’s most important about it is often missed. When Sasuke wakes up, brought from the brink of death by his own strong will, he is furious. But it’s not a mindless rage, it’s not like Naruto’s nine tails transformation. The seal is not a being on its own, it just pulls on the deepest, darkest strings of his mind. On his insecurities, his dreams, his trauma, his worst qualities. It’s still Sasuke, asking Sakura who did this to her. It’s still Sasuke attacking the Sound-ninja. It’s only when he engages and even takes joy from his cruelty Sakura realizes it’s not him. Because Sasuke is kind, cold but extremely caring, because he can get carried away but never like this.

The fact that people can read these chapters, hell, the whole manga and still think that Sasuke hates Sakura, that she doesn’t know him, that Sakura herself is a selfish, shallow characters is mind-boggling.

tl;dr: Sakura is a greatly developed character and first part Sasusaku is so well written it makes me want to cry fkljsd.

#sasusaku #long post #pro sakura #i do feel like a lot of people do not understand how subtle japanese culture can be #especially with romance #honestly if im gonna read one more anit-sakura argument talking about how she made fun of an orphan at age fucking 12 #im going to go feral

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look-how-they-massacred-them · 9 months

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Preliminary Poll

Cassandra Cain

Submission reason:

DC executives hated to see a batgirlboss winning and gave her an extremely OOC villain arc to purposefully destroy her character. Throughout Cass's Batgirl arc, one of the most core parts of her character is that she doesn't kill. She's more hardcore about the no-kill rule than Bruce is - she even breaks into a high security prison to free a murderer on death row because "he could change"! Cass believes *everyone* deserves the chance to change for the better, regardless of what they've done, and this is heavily influenced by her own traumatic past that had left her haunted with guilt. To have her suddenly go from that, to being like "actually maybe killing people is fine :p villain arc time!", was jarring to say the least. Now, I can't go any deeper than that because I haven't read beyond the very beginning of this arc, but I heard it also fell into stereotypical Chinese dragon lady tropes and erased her disabilities? So uh. Good lord. Eventually, DC went back on this and made it so that she was actually being brainwashed the entire time, and let her be written as her usual self again (albeit very sidelined). But then the New 52 happened. For those who aren't aware of comic book fuckery, the New 52 was the most recent hard reboot of the DC universe, and was highly controversial for ruining a lotttt of pre-established beloved characterizations. Fortunately, Cass wasn't subject to this! Unfortunately, that was because she was removed from canon ENTIRELY. Writers have talked about how they weren't allowed to put her in comics during that time, iirc they couldn't even put her in Lil Gotham which was a non-canon slice of life spinoff. I could be wrong about that, though. After like, 4 or 5 years I think? Cass was allowed to be in comics again, though she no longer got to be Batgirl until the next soft reboot in 2021. I can't say much about this era, because I haven't read much stuff from Rebirth cause it kinda sucks. Nowadays, Cass is finally getting some time in the spotlight again and is having pieces of her original lore return to being canon, nature is healing.

Cassandra Cain was invented to be the second Batgirl in an effort to get more women in Batman comics, and met with a lot of resistence before even being created because people were really attached to Barbara Gordon, the first (major) Batgirl. Despite this, she was a hit, due to being a unique and inventive character, and she got a long-running solo comic. One of her major defining character traits was a passionate refusal to kill; another was being arguably the best martial artist in the world with the ability to read body language to such a degree of accuracy it allowed her to dodge bullets. Then a guy named Dan Didio became a bigwig at DC and he, with the help of others, systematically and intentionally massacred her character because they resented that Barbara wasn't Batgirl anymore. At first, she was made into a coldblooded killer. Then she was written out entirely from the universe reboot (long story) and there was an embargo on using her character. Then she was brought back, but only as a shadow of her former self with nerfed fighting skills and little personality, and also not Batgirl anymore. Didio has since been fired and they're trying to recover her character from the massacre, but the decades long massacre has left a mark that's still clearly visible.

For a few years, Cass suffered a villain arc that portrayed her as the complete opposite of who she is: a ruthless killer rather than a compassionate hero who strove to never take a single life ever again after killing someone as a child. Furthermore, this arc erased her language disabilities, making her extremely proficient in multiple languages and completely ignoring her previous struggles to learn how to read and write. And finally, this arc was also extremely racist. Cass is half-Chinese, and this arc’s characterization of her was none other than an instance of the infamous “dragon lady” trope.

Propaganda:

She has canonically wiped the floor with Batman several times and has a room that is a complete disaster. She is everything.

#look how they massacred them poll #look how they massacred my girl #dc comics #cassandra cain #dc cassandra #batgirl cassandra cain

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gayundertaletrash · 1 year

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Nightmare headcannons ✨

These are just headcannons I have for my favorite goopy boy. Some are from other people but a lot are from me.

(Trigger warnings- mentions of abuse, maybe body horror, animal death and eating, cannibalism, trauma, eating and sleeping disorders, self h@rm)

- Nightmare is FtM and uses he/it/king pronouns (I image he loves the idea of neos and xenopronouns to). He is a gay man, and is aro-specrum. To be more specific he is aro-specrum and cupioromantic, along with queer platonic. He is also ambiamorus.

- He is married to Cross, is dating Killer, and is in a QPR with all the Bad Guys+ Error, Lust, and Blue.

- Nightmare is generally very quiet and doesn't engage in conversion unless invited. He prefers to listen to others. His main love languages are quality time, physical touch, and giving gifts and acts of service. With the last two though, he doesn't like it when others give him gifts or do things for him. He likes to be the provider.

- Before his corruption he was pretty short (5'2) and is still short in his Passive form. After his corruption he grew to 7'6. He can change his height but prefers the height his goop makes him naturally. He has gotten very used to others being scared of how tall he is and doesn't care very much anymore.

- Because of his corruption, he is kinda uncanny. Certain features about him aren't normal looking. He has really long fingers that end in extremely sharp claws. His bones kinda clash together, an example is his ribs, which are melted together kinda, so he doesn't actually have individual ribs. His eye is also slanted and looks exactly animal-like. He has sharp teeth, and has rows and rows of smaller sharp teeth that go down his throat. He also purrs and growls like an animal. In all he looks less skeleton-like the longer you look at him.

- Nightmare use to be very abusive to the Bad Guys. After years of being a complete ass, he began to recognize his behavior and turned it around. He is now past his abuse and has made up to them all. He still has a lot of guilt from it, but knows he is better now. He started changing his behavior before Cross joined, so Cross beaver really got the bad part of Nightmare's behavior.

- Nightmare is made of two beings. There is the host body/soul which is Nightmare. And then the goop. The goop is an older creature that had followed Nim when she first came to the Undertale Multiverse. The goop and Nightmare live together as one, and can't separate without both dying. The goop can retreat back inside Nightmare though which makes him become passive. Nightmare has named the good Corrupt. Corrupt is a hive mind though, and is just the whole 'hive' acting together. Each of Nightmare's tentacles are part of this 'hive'. Each tentacle is named. They are named Jupiter, Venus, Orion, and Reginald.

- Nightmare is kinda animalistic. Thai is mostly because of Corrupt though. Nightmare purrs and growls, along with other noises like squeaks and chirps. He also makes nests sometimes. Nightmare also can ( and craves) meat. Usually he gets this from small animals like mice, rats, and bird which he can eat in one bite. But he has been know to eat just about anything fleshy. This includes dead deer, dogs, rotten meat, and sometimes human or other monsters. He still acts very proper though even as he eats a half rotten deer.

- The only reason he has eaten human or monster is to help Horror. Horror, like the rest of his au, had become addicted to the taste of humans and monsters. He hates the fact he craves is and Nightmare is trying to get him off it. But because it is such a strong addiction, he has to do it slowly. Sometimes, to help the process along, he will tell Horror he is feeding him human, while feeding his something like pork. The actual human meat Nightmare has eaten himself.

- Nightmare sucks at understand most social norms. After Dreamtale and Dream being trapped in stone, Nightmare pretty much locked himself away for over 20 years. During those 20 years he forgot how to be a normal person. It isn't uncommon to find Nightmare walking around the castle in little to no clothes, or have him walk in while one of the others are changing and just sit down and start talking. He doesn't care about norms very much either, so as long as the others are comfortable, he will do just about anything he wants.

- Nightmare has a lot of mental health and physical health problems. He has insomnia and hates sleeping also because of past trauma. He has a purging disorder, which is not binging but still forcing yourself to throw up. Nightmare is trying to get better about both of these things and is slowly making progress. He also has seasonal depression, C-PTSD, anger issues, and self harm tendencies. He is slowly getting better though.

- Nightmare loves gardening, and has a giant garden filled with flowers. He loves his roses though, which he takes great care of. He has an area of flowers dedicated to certain events, and will plant a flower if something good happens. He also plays the piano and has an old one in his study. His study is what he calls his library, which takes up an entire tower in the castle.

- Nightmare is very protective of the Bad Guys and considers them first before anything else. If he had to choose between them and the whole multiverse, he would let the multiverse die and teleport them all to a different Multiverse. He loves them dearly.

Ok, that's all I have for now, hope you enjoyed. :))

#nightmare sans #nightmare!sans #crossmare #killercrossmare #nightmare #bad guys #bad sanses #bad guys poly #qpr ship #tw is at top #Nightmare is my beloved #he a goopy boy #bad sanses poly #undertale au #my au #my au stuff #trans nightmare

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h-worksrambles · 1 year

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Leo Alvarez for the ask game 🥺🥺

First off, you have no idea how badly I have wanted to do any kind of ask game for Echo, so thank you.

Oh Leo, the wolf with flags as red as his fur...and yet...

An incredibly complex and tragic character like Leo naturally has a lot to dissect in terms of his relationships with other characters. With that in mind, here are my five favourite Leo dynamics.

1. The most obvious pick by far is Chase. And I've already touched on some of my thoughts on these two already. Leo's best friend, his ex boyfriend, one of the most important people in Leo's life...and we watch that relationship go to hell in the most painful way possible. It's an incredibly layered relationship between two deeply flawed, troubled people. You could write an entire essay on this relationship and how much it drives a freaking dagger through my heart, but I'll just give the cliff notes version. At the end of the day you have two dumb, kinda shitty teens who have become two dumb, kinda shitty twenty somethings, both carrying a shedload of mental health issues that neither knows how to handle. Their relationship falls apart because they each have a very false, idealised notion of how relationships work. In part because they’re both young and inexperienced in that respect.

They bond in part due to their shared trauma, both the horrible loss of Sydney and the more mundane but still very painful process of trying to figure out their identities in a deeply homophobic, backwater town with no real queer community or role model to look towards. They clung to each other as an ideal they could use to hide from their problems. Leo's guilt over failing to protect Sydney manifests as controlling overprotectiveness, magnified by his unresolved anger problems. Chase's state of stress and dissasociation after that same event leads him to take a very passive attitude to the relationship, happy to let Leo make all the decisions and thus enabling his controlling behaviour, but also tending to be indecisive, self-centred and uncommunicative about what he wants because he hates conflict. There's also the interesting subtext that their relationship has a pattern of toxic heteronormative behaviour (a result of their own inexperience with even being queer). Leo wants to be the provider and breadwinner, he calls Chase a feminised petname, 'chula', he dotes on Chase, but also tries to control him. Chase's passivity and the harm that comes from that, demonstrates just how damaging trying to cram queer relationships into those kinds of heteronormative boxes actuallly is.

Over the game, across the different routes, we see them unpack the factors that caused their relationship to fail. Leo's inability to move on from Chase is part of a wider desire to cling to the past, because he feels like he peaked in his teenage years and now feels adrift. The town torments him with those feelings and creates a phantom of Chase that embodies every unhealthy emotion Leo's projected onto him, and is slowly driving him to madness. Leo's 'so I just pretend' monologue which describes how this influence took route is painful to see unfold. And god, the amount of symbolism I could talk about that feeds into this! The anchor bracelet that embodies the conflicting imagery of safety and familiarity, but also that of beng trapped and bound to each other and to their past. The horrifying scene in Jenna's route where they are literally almost nightmarishly bound to each other. The fact that Leo's bad ending has Chase's inability to resolve his conflicted emotions end with him going from being torn emotionally to being torn physically (please Howly, McSkinny! I can only take so much symbolic body horror!)

One of my favourite moments between them is seeeing how they first got together in Route 65. You can see the connnection between these two old friends, slowly figuring out their identities and bonding over it as a result. There's a real tenderness to it. But you can also see all the warning signs. The fact that Leo is already hiding things from Chase. The fact that Chase will go along with whatever Leo says and overlook those signs despite his better judgement. The fact that they'll ignore people around them, often hurting their friends as a result, to be together. It's equal parts heartwarming and agonising when you know how it'll end.

Watching this deeply toxic relationship fall apart is agonising, but seeing the endings where they mutually grow is so worth it. Chase putting his foot down, firmly making his own decision and ending things with Leo is what allows them both to escape the town's influence. Meanwhile, with his delusions shattered, Leo is able to start healing, not just letting go of the past and growing past his own worst traits, but making amends to people he previously hurt (we'll get to that). That final goodbye between the two at the end of his route is the closest I've come to crying at a videogame in a very long time. I cannot stress how much it affected me emotionally.

I could go on, but I need to move onto other relationships so to sum up, Leo and Chase's relationship is dark, tragic and yet strangely beautiful to watch unfold.

2. Micha's relationship with Leo only really comes up in Jenna's route, but nonetheless is very interesting. Micha was already one of my favourite side characters. A lonely, angry young man but one who's also very clearly been dealt a hard lot in life. If Heather represents what Jenna could have been if she didn't have a support network of friends who could help pull her out of her shitty abusive upbringing, Micha represents what Chase or Leo could have been if they'd been in similar circumstances, as well as being ostracised for their sexualities by their loved ones rather than accepted. And since Jenna's route is about the importance of healthy connections with others and how crucial they are to self improvement, this is very pertinent.

Micha was one of the first people who Leo really related to in the process of figuring out his sexuality as a teenager. Their experimenting leads to them doing something very, very stupid and reckless that still makes me uncomfortable to think about. But immediately after that of course, Leo gets together with his longtime crush and, as he and Chase did to pretty much all their friends, basically left Micha out to dry. This left Micha to deal with getting kicked out of home for being gay alone. For as much as Leo romanticises his past, there are darker elements he needs to come to terms with, wrongs of his own that he needs to right.

Micha is understandably terrified of even seeing Leo again after how badly this 'relationship' fell apart. But slowly, the walls come down, and that more protective side of Leo starts to come out, but in a good way this time. Leo recognises that he hurt Micha and does his best to keep him safe during the mass hysteria, to atone for the harm he did, to make things right. And by the end of the route, Micha's still there, accepted by Leo and the rest of the group.

There are those who want to ship them because of this, and there's certainly grounds to read it that way, but I personally don't. Partly because knowing what we do of their history makes me a little personally uncomfortable at the prospect, but also because I think a big part of Leo's arc is to let go of his very idealised, somewhat toxic idea of romantic relationships. I think him learning to be happily single, and valuing the friendships he has, is much more appropriate. He has all the time in the world to meet someone new. For now, just let him have some good friends. Ones who he can help just as much as they do for him.

3. Next up, TJ and Leo. Because of the direction Leo's character takes, he basically torpedoes his relationships with most of the rest of the main group. His disastrous fling with Flynn shoots that friendship dead, (we'll get to that). He and Jenna used to be incredibly close childhood friends but that gets complicated fast. Their mutual feelings for Chase fuels Leo's jealousy in Jenna's route, and as she learns more about just how much Leo has been hiding about himself as a person from his friends, she struggles to see him the same way she used to. And Carl was especially affected by how much Chase and Leo neglected the others after becoming a couple and I don't think he ever quite forgave Leo for that. They care about each other a lot and do come through for each other when the worst happens, but their stories seem to end with the group learning to value the time they had together and then moving on in most routes.

The only exception who Leo seems to maintain a positive dynamic with and seems to genuinely get on well with, is TJ. And it makes sense why. TJ is the most patient, gentle and accepting of the group. He still cares a lot about his childhood friends and isn't shy to let them know that. Leo, like I've said, thinks of himself as a protector, and tries to be everyone's 'big brother' figure. So it figures he takes great care to watch out for the youngest of the group. It's a dynamic that demonstrates the best aspects of Leo's protectiveness. When his unresolved trauma isn't twisting that protective instinct into hyper controlling, obessissive behaviour, he can be a really great friend. I always think of that one scene in Leo's route where he and Chase go to join TJ at the park. At this point, we've seen many of Leo's red flags. How he's still obssessing over his ex. How his anger problems are getting worse. How he's manipulating not only Chase, but also all the rest of his friends just to contrive a scenario where he and Chase can work things out (that phone scene is a gutpunch, dear god)...and yet. Even though Leo's entire plan is dependent on staying alone with Chase to patch things up, he's willing to compromise that because TJ is his friend and he's hurting, and Leo wants to make him happy. Leo is a walking hot mess of a person, but it's that conflict between his selfless and selfish urges, his best and worst instincts, that make him so compelling to watch.

And still there's more to dig into. Because a big part of TJ's character is about how he's often talked down to and talked over even by his closest friends. How TJ is a repressed, curled up ball of insecurities and anxieties who can't express himself because everyone around him treats him like a precious innocent uwu smol bean. Well meaning though he may be, Leo's over protectiveness means he is unintentionally coddling TJ just as much as Jenna is, preventing him from healthily unpacking his pain, a dam that finally bursts in Flynn's route.

Even so, TJ and Leo's relationship provides an insight into Leo's better qualities, and a glimpse of how this friendship dynamic may once have worked in the past.

4. Oh, Flynn and Leo. You know what I'm gonna say. Metaphor. Freaking Metaphor. Flynn is my favourite character in Echo and his history with Leo provides fresh insight into both characters. Based on when you meet them in the prologue, Flynn and Leo could not appear more different. Leo seems earnest, affectionate, protective and reverent of the past the group shares. Flynn is cold and distant, it's unclear how much his attitude is banter and how much is actual spite towards his old friends. And the argument scene at the river is in large part a blowup between these two: Leo wanting to return to the past, and Flynn wanting to discard it to get answers. But once you dig more into these characters, you quickly see the similarities run deceptively deep. Flynn is, in his own way, just as trapped in the past as Leo. Leo can be just as cruel towards his friends as Flynn, while Flynn can be just as protective of them as Leo. Two characters both so alike, and yet so different.

And then you're thrown the bombshell that these two banged.

In Flynn's route we learn that Flynn and Leo briefly became an item after Chase broke up with Leo and went to college. Flynn even took him to the Smoke Room, a part of his life Flynn tells barely anyone about. In Metaphor, we see them together briefly, and it's probably the most comfortable and happy we see them around each other in the entire game. Of, course, as we immediately find out, it ended badly. Leo broke things off with Flynn shortly before Chase came back to visit Echo, hoping to rekindle that relationship. And Flynn's reaction to this: "I guess that's okay...if that's all you want..." is a painful reminder of Flynn's own struggle, desperate for intimacy, but also deathly afraid of it, terrified of losing a real connection like the one he lost with his best friend so many years ago. It's genuinely heartbreaking to see. Especially when Flynn talks about this with Chase in his route: How coming to terms with his sexuality was especially painful because, while he was dealing with awful homophobic treatment by his parents before he finally got away from them, his other two friends who could have helped him become more comfortable with his queerness, were too wrapped up in each other to notice.

Do I think they could have worked out? Hard to say. I think Leo did desperately need to date anyone other than Chase to get over him. But I also stand by my earlier point, that Leo needs to learn to be comfortably single. Meanwhile, while I think allowing himself to be emotionally open in a relationship would do him a world of good, I wonder if hooking up with his few remaining friends, potentially ruining those friendships, is actually all that productive a solution for Flynn (although I am a shameless Flynn and Carl shipper so what do I know?). Still, maybe they could have had something. But that ship sailed a long time ago. Even so, Flynn will still come through for Leo, and the rest of his friends, in Jenna's route, because, whatever he says, he still loves them dearly. They're basically all he has.

(Also, one minor detail. In Route 65, Flynn is the one who let Chase know about the party because he knew about Leo's feelings for Chase, and, now that Chase had come out, decided to play matchmaker and get Leo to finally spit it out. A nice reminder that Flynn looks out for his friends, even if he'll never admit it).

5. Clint and Leo's dynamic is understated, but surprisingly tragic when you think about it. Clint bullied Leo and the others plenty as a kid, and was generally a berligerent, homophobic ass to them. But it's very strongly implied that both Clint, and his sister, were suffering some pretty awful abuse at home. That doesn't excuse his behaviour, but there's more going on with Clint than we fully see.

In the present day, the tables have turned, and if anything, Leo is the one antagonising Clint. Leo's anger isssues have only gotten worse, and he'll happily take any excuse to give Clint a sock in the jaw after eveything that happened between them as kids. Never mind that Clint is a meth addict in no condition to fight a huge maned wolf, and is currently being exortorted by a predatory serial killer.

In many ways, their dynamic feels like a foil to Jenna and Heather. Heather was someone who hurt Jenna when they were young. But Jenna is able to recognise that Heather was suffering in a way not too different to herself. She doesn't entirely forget the pain Heather caused her, but she empathises with her, is willing to help her deal with her own hardships and move on in her life. Leo and Clint meanwhile, are repeating their childhood fights, stuck in the same old routine, with no such empathy between them. If Leo wants to go back to the old days when he was younger, I guess it figures that he still relishes getting one over on his high school bully.

Truth be told, Clint is a character I would have liked to see get a little more screentime. To see his struggles explored a little deeper the way Micha and Heather's were. But there's still a lot to interpret about his enmity with Leo and how it ties into Echo's themes of dealing with trauma and letting go with the past.

Anyway, that's all five of my favourite relationships involving Leo. Leo is one of my favourite characters in Echo and his story affected me so deeply. I still struggle to listen to Blurry or Theme For A Lonely Wolf without choking up. So it was very hard not to just word vomit when given the chance to talk about him as a character. I hope it morphed into a good answer to your ask. Thanks again for sending it to me!

#leo alvarez #echo vn #echo project #ask game #cw abuse #cw body horror #cw drug abuse #cw homophobia #echo spoilers

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loosesodamarble · 3 months

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Hello soda, I love your blog. I'm a huge Nacht fan and I want to write a Nacht x reader/oc (haven't decided) fanfic . I'm too shy to post it but I want to write it for myself. Can you give me tips to write fanfic especially about Nacht.

🖤 Anon! The answers you seek are finally here!

It's very exciting that you're writing some self-indulgence! It's one thing to make requests for what you want to see but taking the writing into your own hands is something else entirely! Make the most of it!

(This post ended up being longer than expected so pardon for the rest of it being under a cut.)

First off, reader insert or oc, or heck you could even do a full self insert. Any way you go about it, do what gives you the most fulfillment! You said that you aren't gonna post it but even if you did, your first and most important audience is yourself, so cater to what you want.

Second, when it generally comes to writing fanfic, play to your preferences. Do you enjoy banter or heartfelt dialogue? Then you can easily write scenes that focus more on characters speaking with little sprinkles of scenery and action written in. Or if you prefer prose and detailing the finer details of a moment, feel free to write a fic where you go five paragraphs without character speaking.

(For me, I like fic that's a little introspective. Where prose isn't just about the characters' actions or surroundings but also acts as their inner monologue. And thus, I tend to write fic that's a lot of "their feelings swirled inside of them like a storm" stuff.)

And don't worry about skipping over stuff that you don't feel confident or interested in writing. For me, I can manage a bit of fight scene choreography but it's not my strong suit so I don't write fights often and I usually keep it vague and short. The less interest you have for writing a certain thing, the less you end up writing. (That's not the whole picture since burnout/writer's block can leave you wanting to write but not having the energy or mind to do it.)

Something that I try to keep in mind when writing is the question of "what is the ultimate point of the piece?" It can be anything from a simple "I want these characters to talk/fight/kiss" to a complex "I want to show how a single event is actually a chain reaction of smaller happenings and how they can have massively different effects on people's lives and personalities." For me, the answer should be less a plot summary of the piece you're writing and more your motivation for writing it.

TL;DR for those previous points: write what you like, don't write what you don't like, and know why you're writing (since that can help you stay motivated).

Now when it comes to writing Nacht specifically, I keep these character details in mind:

Nacht has self-loathing issues, making it hard for him to believe he is good.

That self-loathing is projected onto others, mostly Yami.

While he does care for others, Nacht is afraid of loving and being loved. He fears hurting those he loves (see Morgen's death).

Those are probably the most important traits of Nacht's to keep in mind when writing him, pre or post Morgen's death. Although the projection aspect of his personality more shows up afterwards.

I also tend to write Nacht repeating the same mini arc. -He looks down on himself -He resists happiness when he has a chance for it -Someone talks some sense into him -Nacht lets himself be happy

Yes, it's keeping his character kinda in the same arc over and over. But to me, Nacht is a character that I see struggling to accept that he's allowed to be happy despite his dark past. He lets himself be happy but he doesn't want to risk too much good fortune in case it blows up in his face, if you know what I mean.

I think that writing Nacht is about finding the balance between suffering and salvation. He hated and punished himself for the longest time until he finally learned to let go of his guilt. Although I personally like to keep Nacht from fully letting go of the guilt and grief. Because squeezing out angst from Nacht's character is fun. Giving Nacht love and letting him be happy is ultimately more fulfilling though.

Really, like for any character, you have to write what you want for Nacht. And for me it's that ever present sorrow in his life. For you, it could be something else entirely.

You gotta write for you, 🖤 Anon. But hopefully my advice gives you something to work with. Good luck with the Nacht fic and I hope you enjoy what you come up with~!

#questions from the ask box #soda asides #🖤 anon #initially i was going to start the post with a joke of like #i dont write i just black out and a few days later i wake up to a fully written fic #but eh seemed inappropriate #so you get the watered down version of the joke here in the tags #i really hope that what i wrote actually makes sense and helps #there's no real concrete writing advice #like when it comes to grammar or story structure #but that's not what was being asked for anyway

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hollowflay · 2 months

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I will say for as much as I talk about heather being a maniacal bitch she is actually SHOCKINGLY compassionate and empathetic in ways that are super unexpected and some of her seemingly callous behavior can come from it.

like she doesn’t feel bad about the deaths she and Billy caused. she understands that at the end of the day they didn’t have a choice and it’s cruel and pointless to beat herself up about it. even when you get into the murkier ones like her own parents (which she wasn’t exactly trying to save) it’s just – realistically what do you think she could do? what does replaying it or obsessing over it or tormenting herself with it do? Nothing.

It’s pointless self flagellation to give into guilt on that. it won’t bring them back, the only good thing you can do is just try to move forward.

the most shocking (to outsiders) display of kindness/compassion/empathy is for Billy tho. Yes she’s 100% upset/traumatized/angry about what happened to her but there’s not an ounce of her that really blames Billy for it. He had no control over it, she knows that better than anyone alive. She can’t hate him for it or blame him for it and she HATES seeing him beat himself up over what he did to her. She sees it as someone basically blaming themselves for being violated and made to do things with a gun to their head. She really does see him as the victim he is and commits a LOT of time to trying to do right by him.

She worries a LOT about Billy, worries about his mental health, if he’s okay, if he might hurt himself. She saw it as her job to keep him together when they were in the hivemind and she still sees it as her job bc no one else alive wants to do it and she’s more than happy to.

it also shows up in her friendship with Chrissy. sure she can be shitty and kinda toxic to Chrissy but she also really worries about her A LOT. she’s likely guessed at her ED and is worried about her and would 100% beat the shit out of her mother if asked. She’s very protective of Chrissy because she knows how gentle and easily manipulated/pressured she is. She fights Chrissy’s battles for her because she can’t bear to see her hurt.

All of Heather’s cruelty and violence is generally coming from the fact she is ACTUALLY VERY SWEET AND GENTLE but that’s not respected in the world. You don’t make it if you’re nice. In the world her father made clear was The Real World, those kinds of quality were very clearly marked as bad and weaknesses and belittled in men. Naturally they were seen as great in women but in a patronizing way. Heather wanted the kind of approval and acknowledgment a man like her father would only give a son (you know, like she's a Real Actual Human and not an Object) so naturally she got very twisted up inside. Add onto that how fake friendships based on status can be, very negative interactions with peers and mentors, a general sense of feeling emotionally unsafe and it all culminated in her never really acting on her kindness and instead using her empathy to clock people and insult them better. But when the situation is right her kindness really does shine thru.

#meta / ooc.#headcanons / ooc.#honestly once heather decides she cares about someone she WILL die for them she's intensely loyal and caring when she let's herself be

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normal-is-a-raging-psychopath · 11 months

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ok so I just saw this (@blobvis456) fanart of max with the caption "do you accept the risk?" which obviously is the quote lucas said to max when telling her about the up-side down.

and that threw my mind to this one analysis? or something that focused on how mike was against telling people about the supernatural shit, both as a way to keep the party safe, and also the person. I'll try to find it because I'm pretty sure I rb'd it and I'll link it when I do. EDIT : here (@darkquill98)

I am a sucker for time travel au's. specifically when the future is thrown into the past and reveals something not known (relationships -romantic or otherwise-, personal revelations etc) or when the past gets transported to the future and just see how they're future selfs are, whether it be in a fluffy way or angsty or something in between.

anyways. imagine this. it's the st season 2 finale after el closes the gates and everyone is back at the byer's house. they're planning the sleepover (the party not the older teens because it's awkward still). it's been a long night, and then suddenly there's a long bang or something and two people kinda just appear on the floor of the byers living room (where the party was planning on sleeping).

everyone's on edge, weapons are pointed and then they realize who it is.

mike and max considerably older (I see them as seniors but anytime post-s4 post-vecna defeat goes).

during this time, mike's gotten up to a sitting position on the floor, but max is still on her back.

a key point in this is that max is disabled.

so everyone (present) is surrounding m&m (it's much easier to type that max and mike every time) and they see as mike slowly helps max up and positions himself behind her so that she can lean against him.

this is odd for two reasons. a) max and mike are getting along? mike is helping her? which he'd obviously do either way (see skateboard scene) but still, it's the care and love he does it with. b) why does max need help? why didnt she get up her self?

before they can verbalise this one of the walkie talkies starts spewing static and first, which slowly clears into lucas's voice. future lucas.

there's talking about are they ok? do you know what happened? and so on so forth. it's not really planned out in my head but there are a few things revealed. 1) a reference is made to both el and will working together in order to create a signal between the present and future radios, 2) lucas asks how max is and she replies that it's a bad day and quips the whatever sent them here is abelist because it didn't even bother to send her wheelchair with her.

(max absolutely plays the abelism card wherever she can fight me on this. she also makes so many dark jokes related to it. i think lucas would kinda hate it but it makes her smile so it's fine with him. el also kinda hates it but she finds it funny as well so she conflicted.)

also the way I imagine things, most days max is in her wheelchair with limited mobility, on good days, she's able to walk with her crutches but on bad days (like the one she's having) she can barely move without pain and needs help a lot. (which the party+extended are always happy to give her)

so after the whole conversation, obviously the present have some questions, m&m just reveal that max is paralyzed due to some event with the up-side down but not how (because they're not sure how much they can reveal)

anyway onto why i wanted this. the angst. i want present max to cope with the fat fact that she can't walk, i want mike's guilt at not being able to keep her away, I want lucas's horror because he was the one that brought her into this. maybe will and el feel guilty because it was caused by the upside down. maybe the older members (teens +jopper) feel guilty because they're older they should have been able to protect her.

while i'd like the main focus to be how max has adapted to her disability (speaking of which, does anyone have any fics recs like that?) I also want little snippet into the future to show that despite things becoming worse for a while it's also gotten so much better. i see elumax and byler. or if elumax isnt your thing then elmax or lumax maybe with henderhop aswell. idk, it's kinda flexible ig (excepts for byler even though it's not a main-main focus i still want a reveal because mike to mike chat about their sexuality and relationship with will and el and will learning that theres hope (especially considering it's following the shed scene) and theres just a lot i think can be explored there)

it it was elumax, which is what i thought of, then it's lucas and max finding out they get together and finally act on their feelings, its lucas feeling odd because he's also dating el and he though that el and mike had their thing going on. its el's not sexuality crisis i would say but realising not everything is like in the movies. its el and max realising that they worked through their problems and became friends and then more.

for the older teens idk what but im either leaning towards established jancy whose worked through their issue with steve who is learning he's come to term with it and learning about robin (he definitely make more of an effort to befriend her while working at scoops ahoy) or stonathon. which might require alteration to the canon s2 or maybe not and they figure out how that complicated mess of relationships worked out (which i think would be hilarious cause at this point in time stancy have just had their nasty break-up and jancy are in that weird phase that's like we fucked and we lie each other a lot but haven't defined what we are yet only to find out apparently steve and jonathan are dating?? what?)

for jopper, if they find out they're established and married, I think there's a whole lot to work through, cause while joyce may have had some feelings for hop, that was far overshadowed by her love for bob who she is now grieving because he's dead because she dragged him into this supernatural bullshit and yeah she has a lot of shit to work through. not to mention I think hopper will also need time to come to terms especially since the last time he was married didnt go well.

this has drastically spiralled but whatever.

as a bonus to the previous, give me the byer-hopper clan realising they're becoming a family. jonathan had a new father figure and he doesn't know how to feel about that. hop suddenly has 2 sons. joyce has a daughter now jonathan and will have a sister now el has two brother now. apparently will and el who literally only just met are as close as twins in the future.

can you tell that i really love time travel au's. there's just so much potential.

this has spiraled way out of control so if the beginning and the end seem disjointed, its because I expected this to go in a very different direction.

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sarilolla · 1 year

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Reasons why I love Bugsnax cuz I need to talk about this game which has now consumed me completely (there’s some spoilers here and there, as I’m just writing down stuff I can think about at the moment)

All the characters are neat, and are so fun to interact with-

Considering the situation they are in, I think how they all interact with each other is very realistic, which I love. Like, there are friendships and cute romantic relationships, but there are also not so good relationships that aren't toxic but still make for a good dynamic within the group

All the character designs (both grumpus and bugsnax) are peak marketable plushie designs (I want the Bunger and Strabby plushie so badly)

The bugsnax are so silly :) They are just kinda bug, kinda snax :)

The Bugsnax reminds me of Pokémon, except you don’t make them fight, you just feed them to your friends- Like, how they say their own names, some are harder to catch than others, and just the look and vibes of them

There are multiple lgbtq characters, but not forced or marked-like. They are just there, like it's completely normal, which makes me so happy (Like Floofty is disliked by practically everyone, but no one misgenders them, which means it’s just… normal)

Bunger bunger bunger :D

The names of everyone are so fun, from just misspelled normal names to straight-up muppet-esque names (Triffany - Tiffany, Elizabert - Elizabeth) (Wambus, Gramble, Floofty)

If I had a nickel for the amount of times I got emotionally attached to the one “good” parasite who have the name combo of “S_out”, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird it happened twice. (Sprout aka the buggyball from Bugsnax, and Scout from hello puppets)

I love the Bugsnax, especially the strabbies, they’re so silly :)

The lore is so good and fun, and I might have just been on a “oooo fun game” high, but I didn’t really catch any plot holes or plot lines I heavily disliked, so it’s good :)

Then again, it does have some darker themes, already showing before the ending, and it’s a good ending no matter, story wise (I did not nor will I ever have the guts to get the bad endings tho, like no, that would hurt too much)

Also if you get the ✨secrets✨, it looks like it could ramp up to a sequel, which I absolutely want

The journalist aka the player character, is very much a self-insert type protagonist, but they’re also not just a reflection of the player. Like their little notes and drawings for quests and such are so fun and cute (also for the people who decided that the most common name for the journalist is “Buddy”, I love you /p /hj (no hate to other journalist names of course, I just like Buddy))

The fact that the player also is allergic to Bugsnax is so fascinating to me, like we survive of sauces, but feed everyone else (technically not including Shelda and Gramble, but they can both eat Bugsnax, just have other reasons why they don’t). It works so well with angst, cuz on the island we have the journalist who can become sick after a while but still trudges on, and after the island, well, there’s definitely some guilt there from feeding everyone

I dunno why, but I love the idea of banjo-pop music, and I would like to thank Wiggle for introducing me to it

I also love Broken Tooth island just showing up, like it really shows there’s something weird about the Bugsnax islands (both Snaxtooth and Broken tooth). Not to mention how weird Snaxtooth is, with hot desert almost bordering frozen solid mountain

Snaxtooth is really an adventurer’s dream come true, which is why it humors me so much that some of the grumpus who joined the expedition are just… normal people. Who just joined, like for a vacation??? It’s funny

I managed to get all the achievements which I’m very proud of myself for managing :) I also have done all mail requests, and that’s just because of the wonderful people who made a guide for how to catch 5 different Bugsnax in 60 seconds or 10 Bugsnax in 90 seconds

Over all? Silly game which definitely also deserves its psychological horror tag, but I adore it

I leave you with this really lazy edit of my favorite parasites /hj

#bugsnax #don’t mind me just rambling #I absolutely adore this game and it’s been on my brain for a couple weeks now #does not mean I’m leaving the hello puppets fandom or abandoning my works #I’m just gonna focus more on this for a bit

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kenobster · 5 months

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For ao3 wrapped: 17 & 18!

From AO3 Wrapped [Writers' Edition]

Thank you very much friendo!

#17. Your favorite character to write this year?

Hate to be a cliche of myself, but definitely Anakin! I really never expected to enjoy his POV as much as I have. In fact, at the time of starting the fic, I really wanted to write in Obi-Wan's POV! But I decided that Anakin's POV would be the easiest in the situation because Anakin is the one with the most room to grow in that story (meaning both in the post-Miraj/Hardeen way and the pre-Sithling sort of way lmao). After reading a lot of Husborth's fic at the time, I also kinda wanted to play with a style that was driven by memories of past trauma. Not in flashbacks but in trivial references that were constantly being caused by whatever setting he found himself in. Like, sort of a constant struggle to separate the horrors of the past from the horrors of the present. (Which, sidenote, also happens to be why I chose present tense - present tense is definitely what I'm most comfortable in, but it was a very deliberate choice in this fic. :D) And Anakin's past (re Tatooine, Miraj, and Hardeen plus him being so angry about the injustices of it all worked for that better than Obi-Wan's would have).

What came as the biggest shock (and joy) of writing in his POV was how unreliable it was. I knew that would be the case to some extent but not to the extent it was, purely because he normally has a strong grasp of what's real and what's not (most humans do lol). However, Anakin is unreliable in a way that kind of expanded how I think about the term "unreliable narrator." It's really interesting the way he sort of twists some truths to berate the shit out of himself while twisting other truths to make himself look better. As a character, he's both arrogant/reckless and insecure/self-loathing, which is a total contradiction. So, in his POV, when he twists truth to justify those two contradictory traits, the lies he tells himself become contradictory too. For example, in 5PE, he has had (at least) one mild-to-moderate concussion, the symptoms of which he at first exagerates in order to cope with the guilt for what he feels he caused to happen to Obi-Wan in chapter 7. But when he realizes how bad Obi-Wan's own cognitive symptoms are, Anakin's truth-twisting transforms from the "I need to get away with this" guilt into the self-loathing guilt... and he starts to deny that he suffered concussion at all... as a way of inflicting punishment/hatred upon himself (because, without a concussion, he can say he had "no excuse" to act the way he did).

Anyway those lies are only two amongst many in 5PE, of course. And all of these contradictory lies all delicately balanced by his refusal to think about any of them too hard. Like, if he were to pause for a second and consider everything, his mind would probably rip itself to shreds—no wonder he doesn't like to meditate. It's a clusterfuck in there. XD So yeah, it's fascinating how he is just layers upon layers of contradictions and how much he casually hates himself (but lies to himself about hating himself). I'm very much enjoying Anakin just constantly gaslighting himself and trainwrecking his own life. Super fun.

#18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Boy, I mean, if we're being fully honest, I had the hardest time writing Mace Windu. I love Mace Windu so much and desperately wanted to do his scene in 5PE justice. At the time, I'd noticed that fandom often tends to use him as the stereotypically strict & lawfully good Jedi, and I definitely see that facet in his personality... but really Mace Windu's capacity to forgive, empathize, and show compassion is boundless. And so much more intense than people seem to give him credit for. He's harsh because he knows the world will be harsher; he's harsh because he cares and wants the young ones to be ready; he's harsh because someone has to raise the concerns that no one is considering; he's harsh because he's fighting for a world that he wants more than anything to be gentle. That's always been my favorite thing about Mace Windu. But when I went to write in his POV, I realized I only understood his character in relation to other characters. I didn't really know what made him tick. In order to understand him better, I actually read the entire book Shatterpoint by Matthew Stover, which I highkey recommend. I originally was only gonna read a few chapters to get the hang of his POV, but then that book was so damn intense and well written that I couldn't help but finish it. My breath was absolutely blown away.

I also really struggled with Obi-Wan's character. In 5PE, Anakin's POV is so self-centered that trying to see anything outside of him is like trying to see through some kind of thick honey. So he's really hard to like... understand. I spend hours trying to dig my way out of Anakin's POV in order to figure out what Obi-Wan's thinking and going through lmfao, and I've had to ask a lot of help. In Every Shadow, he was also frustrating because while Anakin's POV is there and in your face and all-encompassing, Obi-Wan's POV is very featherlight and it kinda dances around you no matter what you try to do. Every Shadow was originally meant to be a very flashback-driven fic. I realized within one chapter of Obi-Wan's POV that the man was refusing to have a flashback, and that, between the two of us, he was the more stubborn one... and that his evasive strategies knew no limits... and that I would never be clever enough to catch him in an actual flashback lmfao. So I gave up on that altogether and had to rework the entire story I'd planned in order to get where I needed to go lmao. In other words, this bitch is s l i p p e r y. Both to characters IN the fanfic, and to ME, the FANFIC AUTHOR. I can't get a fucking grip on him. And he knows it. Makes my life hell lmao, I love him. Luckily @kcrabb88 has kindly betaread a lot Obi-Wan scenes I've struggled with lmao, and I appreciate her dearly. Her Obi-Wan is perfect, and I highkey recommend her fic.

#answer #electrical banana #ask game #mine #writing #five peggats each #every shadow #anakin #windu #obi-wan

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girlwithfish · 5 months

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Body image appearance discussion. tw for eds and dysmorphia and shit. and self harm and also sex tmi shit. idek. im contemplative bear w me

like basically i never was pretty as a kid or growing up. like idk i guess conventionally attractive people or if ur just "objectively" pretty ppl comment on that a lot if ur a girl like family members but i never really was complimented like that. if anything ppl just tore my appearance down in my family unintentionally or intentionally and i was bullied for my features as a kid and ppl commented on my nose a lot soooooooooo. i feel my really low self esteem just falls back into the whole like trauma of feeling like i shouldnt even exist bc of how i was raised and guilt instilled in u and all of the feelings of alienation socially and bc of my appearance and ethnicity and just who i was. i wasnt really pretty as a teenager either and when i was 18 and started actually exploring sexuality more idk i still felt like im not really pretty and its why i like never believe anyone who compliments me and i dont really get complimented on appearance much anyway so. and also the disordered eating borderline anorexia phase i had when i was 12-14 where i would like take ice baths and restrict and write my goal weight it was kind of fucked up ngl like i didnt rly damage myself physically like i didnt lose much weight but ik the mindset was very damaging and i just like did not feel good bc i had no energy bc i was starving myself LMAOOO anyway that definitely still carries w me even now even tho im better w it but still very much struggle w eating but thats more a depression dysfunctional thing i guess. and when i started getting more sexual i guess like i equate sex and love a lot sometimes i even feel like i cant be pretty but at least im somewaht attractive body wise and im good at fucking like is that crazy idk like sexual validation makes me feel loved and i dont feel like i am actually pretty or pleasant looking or nice looking so the most i can have is like my body is ok . and when i was a kid i used to want to cut my vagina lips off lmaoo cuz i iddnt know what outies were lmfao and shit and ive been having intrusive thoughts like that lately just bc im like really depressed and not having any sex and my relationship is not intimate anymore and i havent even masturbated bc ive been too depresse and i also think masturbating as a girl is kinda annoying like i wanna be in BED not like do it in the bathroom bc i have a big ass rabbit vibe that looks like an alien gun. like if u have a dick u can just jack off in the bathroom or something and its quiet yk???? but like w a vibe its ANNOYING. like i need to be completely alone and i live w someone so like thatsh ard. if i had a dick i would jack one off in the bathroom LMAO. im sexually frustrated and shit and feel like if im not sexual at all im just like ugly and something idk. But also not evne in the mood for sex bc im soooooo depressed. and also im very physical in romantic relationships but not w anyone else idk what thats all about. My mentality has always been if theyre being physically affectionate w me theres no way or little chance they can be mad at me. also i really hate porn and od not like watching it i havent really in yrs cuz i just didnt care for it after i started having long term partner sex cuz im crazy like that like i dont evendesire looking at other ppl when im in a relationship. yk. and i kinda disagree w porn just cuz ive seen waht it does to straight men and u hear so many stories. and it makes me uncomfortable to see ppl have sex i realized. i only like seeing myself have sex LMAOO. im like sexual but in a private way. and i have a weird relationship to sex and my body and shit. idek. its cuz im like ed core also not white also unconventional looking and idk was a late blooemr sexually a little so. IDEK. but yeah im trying to have a healtheir relationship to how i view myself but its fucking hard

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hollowflay-arc · 5 months

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like she doesn't feel bad about the deaths she and Billy caused. she understands that at the end of the day they didn't have a choice and it's cruel and pointless to beat herself up about it. even when you get into the murkier ones like her own parents (which she wasn't exactly trying to save) it's just -- realistically what do you think she could do? what does replaying it or obsessing over it or tormenting herself with it do? Nothing.

It's pointless self flagellation to do give into guilt on that. it won't bring them back, the only good thing you can do is just try to move forward.

the most shocking (to outsiders) display of kindness/compassion/empathy is for Billy tho. Yes she's 100% upset/traumatized/angry about what happened to her but there's not an ounce of her that really blames Billy for it. He had no control over it, she knows that better than anyone alive. She can't hate him for it or blame him for it and she HATES seeing him beat himself up over what he did to her. She sees it as someone basically blaming themselves for being violated and made to do things with a gun to their head. She really does see him as the victim he is and commits a LOT of time to trying to do right by him.

She worries a LOT about Billy, worries about his mental health, if he's okay, if he might hurt himself. She saw it as her job to keep him together when they were in the hivemind and she still sees it as her job bc no one else alive wants to do it and she's more than happy to.

it also shows up in her friendship with Chrissy. sure she can be shitty and kinda toxic to Chrissy but she also really worries about her A LOT. she's likely guessed at her ED and is worried about her and would 100% beat the shit out of her mother if asked. She's very protective of Chrissy because she knows how gentle and easily manipulated/pressured she is. She fights Chrissy's battles for her because she can't bear to see her hurt.

All of Heather's cruelty and violence is generally coming from the fact she is ACTUALLY VERY SWEET AND GENTLE but that's not respected in the world. You don't make it if you're nice. In the world her father made clear was The Real World, those kinds of quality were very clearly marked as bad and weaknesses and belittled in men. Naturally they were seen as great in women but in a patronizing way. Heather wanted the kind of approval and acknowledgment a man like that would only give a son so naturally she got very twisted up inside. Add onto that how fake friendships based on status can be, very negative interactions with peers and mentors, a general sense of feeling emotionally unsafe and it call culminated in her never really acting on her kindness and instead using her empathy to clock people and insult them better. But when the situation is right her kindness really does shine thru.

#headcanons / ooc.

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crimeronan · 1 year

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steif hates poly people and polyshipping? D: sorry i dunno much about her and linger on the outskirts of the fandom but with the maybe heavilyish implied sarchengsey and general everything (trc being an absolute playground) i didn’t expect that

yeah it took me by surprise too since she's seemed a lot more open to writing different relationships and to evolving past her past feelings on certain shipping etc. ultimately it's fine but to explain: she went out of her way to break sarchengsey up in the epilogue and also decided to kill one leg of a triad that was heavily HEAVILY implied would be canon, before anyone could discuss their feelings, directly after one party kissed the other non-dead party and then had a monogamous crisis of guilt about it, which turned the three of them from a triad into yet another love triangle conveniently solved by one of the members eating shit and dying. then the dead woman is never mentioned again but who cares bc now carmen has her Real gf. there COULD have been an implication that carmen and hennessy were looking for liliana's younger self in the future (time travel being involved), but there's not bc they don't need her anymore bc loving more than one person isn't a real thing and all their problems are solved. there was a lot more to it than that in terms of contextualizing Why It Felt So Bad, basically everything about every single detail of how it went down made me nauseous and sucked and i can't really sugarcoat how bad it made me feel. my most charitable read is that stief WAS planning to write polyamory but decided she didn't feel like fleshing out liliana so she phoned it in, which. fine. but there were about a dozen places where one throwaway line could've recontextualized EVERYTHING and made me okay with ALL OF IT and she just. didn't feel like it ig. the saddest thing is that hennessy and carmen have a really spicy fun relationship dynamic that i LOVED and HAVE BEEN INVESTED IN FOR AGES but now i kinda never want to think about them again. so. rodamnessy pivot and moving on!

#she's also talked about not liking sarchengsey / bluedam / romantic ot6 / adansey / etc in the past so #just putting her money where her mouth is. and yet she cannot stop accidentally writing characters who are so so so polyamorous #please for the love of god do not actually harass stief about this. my hurt feelings are my own responsibility #greywaren #greywaren spoilers #greywaren negativity #here's a longer explanation of the bad feeling i mentioned a week ago. moving on from it now!#replies

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rainbyotes · 1 year

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Do you have any angst/whump headcanons for Greg? And possible some comfort ones, too?

Oh what a question, this kinda turned into a king essay but whatever let’s start with the angst stuff then do the comfort:

Besides the claustrophobia due to being captured by the hawks he also has nightmares a lot bc of it, not as much but like if smth triggers his ptsd then he’ll have nightmares. He has better days in terms of triggers but some of them include being in a tight cramped space, seeing shayera, and even just hearing like bird wings ruffle/ seeing a big bird in the sky (think vulture, bird of prey, crow), and if I’m feeling extra angsty just like being away from his friends or Justin since they “ground him” so to speak <- these are fun if you’re only going off of Greg in jlu

I feel like we as a society just decided to ignore the part where he got blown up and survived (move over Batman falling from space comic) and basically the entire city lights, prairie justice run, like not only did his sidekick that was like a little brother to him get murdered while he was out of town but the guy who murdered him blew him up like WHAT? Personally I love the fact that he got blown up (in terms of head canons) like yeah he’s mostly recovered from it but looking at old photos of him and stuff and even just talking about him can start Greg spiraling, and he doesn’t like bombs or using explosives on missions (ignore patriot act) bc ya know. He got blown up. He would definitely have nightmares about that and DEFINITELY blames himself for stuffs death so lotta guilt and self loathing <- love this one it’s just *chefs kiss*

also gives way to the hc that he absolutely hates Vegas and when asked why he says “me and the guy who founded it had some nasty business” which then leads to other people wondering how old he is

the relationship with the father (<- inception 2010 quote) he 100% has daddy issues, either from childhood trauma, not being there to stop his murder, or just his dad sucks. Considering he’s a wyomingite growing up couldn’t have been easy in the middle of nowhere, some times when he’s spiraling deep he’ll get thoughts like “if you didn’t want to be a silly musician your dad might still be alive” , and if I want to get REAL angsty I do the homophobic family card where Greg either got kicked out bc he was caught messing around with a boy or he came out as an adult and his family hates that so they stopped talking to each other <- also love this one it’s perfect for any Greg fic and ship

Another hc is that when he talks about where he’s from he gets really nervous and kinda self deprecating bc “he’s just a dumb hick and since he grew up in the country he has to be like super far right”, this one is kinda depressing bc it’s a thing I see it a lot (despite living in a suburb) so it’s kinda self projection but who’s to say

Ok now for comfort kinda

Loves simple meals like eggs and bacon, biscuits and gravy, cereal even bc they’re easy to make and it’s what he grew up on

He loves Clint Eastwood movies of course but I could also see him being a total horse girl and liking stuff that has horses in it like the movie spirit, also him just saying random horse facts

Along with horse facts greg is 100% an animal person and donates time and money to shelters, he also says like random animal facts like “did you know the basset hound is called that bc in the region of France it’s from basset means ‘close to the ground’?” He also owns many animals and a lot of dogs and cats

People make jokes about brokeback mountain to him a lot but jokes on them he read the original story when he was in high school/young adult (don’t worry about the timeline) and he was there opening weekend when the movie came out like people think he doesn’t know stuff but he knows so much stuff!! He’s a smart boy!!

Anyways those are all of the head canons for right now, sorry most of the angst one are just ideas I have but they kinda depend on what mood I’m in for angst (they’re basically just fic ideas I’ll probably never write) tysm for the ask!!

#my asks #rainy s thoughts #greg saunders

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