#Major Depression

[cleosmasterpiece]

I want a life that I'm not always trying to escape from

#major depressive disorder #bpd mood #mental health #bpd feels #bpd thoughts #depressing shit #kinda depressing #major depression #mentally unstable #tw depressing thoughts

[bpdcrybaby213]

I feel the depressive episode and I feel completely powerless in stopping it. I can't move. I can't get up. I am trapped in this bed again. I'm trapped inside my mind.

#borderline personality disorder #bpd life #bpd thoughts #actually bpd #bpd stuff #bpd things #bpd problems #bpd struggles #mental illness #major depression #depressive episode

[cvsgirl]

am i the only person with bpd who feels like they have too little empathy instead of too much or what

#bpd #bpd mood #bpd blog #bpd feels #mdd #borderline personality disorder #bpd things #bpd thoughts #bpd stuff #major depression

[drifting-bones]

i feel so fucking sick and alone. i just want some kind of help but nobody knows how to help me. it feels like everyone has just given up on me. i'm too far gone for them to feel like they can do anything that will help me feel better. i just want to feel okay for once, is that so fucking hard?? why do i have to be so goddamn alone. why does everyone leave when it matters the most?

#vent blog #vent post #bpd #bpd vent #actually borderline #actually bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd mood #actually paranoid #ppd #major depressive disorder #major depression #depressive episode #depressing shit #mentally unstable #mentally exhausted #mentally fucked #actually npd #doll.txt

[a-sip-of-milo]

Doing these 'pick a reason to live' polls has been really fascinating in a way.

I originally made them for people who experience suicidal ideations and need reasons to live. A lot of those people have loved these polls and have requested that I continue to make them.

But then, I've also gotten a handful of people who have gotten upset with me for them. They can't seem to grasp the concept of these polls not being for them, and have either replied or messaged me privately saying "but I don't need a reason to live! I live because I love life and I want to! Why do we need reasons to instead of just living?"

While I know that a few of these people have experienced suicidal thoughts in the past and their way of moving past them is to recognise that they don't need reasons to live, a lot of people crave/need reasons to keep going.

Please stop shaming them for that. Please recognise that these polls are maybe just. not aimed at you?

#tw.suicidal ideations #mdd #major depressive disorder #depression #major depression #actually mdd

[twoheadedfather]

#tw sui ideation #tw suicidal ideation #i should probably tell my therapist about this #remember ing things. need to UP my medication immediately #undescribed #childhood trauma #trauma #suicide #sui thoughts #sui ideation #personality disorders #cluster b #mdd #major depressive disorder #major depression #mental illness #mentally ill #cptsd #complex ptsd #complex post traumatic stress disorder

[growing-home]

i spent nearly two decades of my life severely depressed and suicidal and for so long i believed wholeheartedly that it was my fault. i believed that the reason no medication or therapy had ever worked for my depression was because i wasn’t ACTUALLY depressed— i believed i was just lazy, bad, manipulative, and just using depression as an excuse for the inherent badness i thought was inside me. this was a story that was told to me and reinforced over and over again by treatment providers.

this past summer, i tried my 30th+ psychiatric medication, not expecting to see any results. the day i realized it was working was the day i realized that i was…planning my future???suddenly i no longer wanted to stay in bed all day and never go outside. i no longer wanted to isolate. i wanted to see people, talk to people! i started spending more time with friends and facetiming people and talking on the phone, things that i rarely did in the past. when i had been depressed, the only movies/tv shows i could focus on were super intense, fast paced, and scary or disturbing because that was the only way to hold my attention. after starting this medication, i started enjoying SITCOMS! i no longer felt like i was fighting to just get through every single day of my life.

there was such a clear and measurable difference in the quality of my life that i started to question why i believed that my depression had been my fault. it became very clear to me that a large part of my depression had been biological. i had not been lazy or bad. i had been sick. my brain was sick the same way other organs get sick sometimes. this brought up a lot of grief for me— grief for all the lost time that i’d spent trying to find something that worked, grief for how much pain i had been in for so long. but it also brought up sheer FURY at all of the therapists and psychiatrists who had treated me like i just wasn’t trying hard enough to get better.

i had been labeled treatment resistant, of course, and the only recommendations i had received after being given that label were TMS, Ketamine, and ECT. once i had tried all three with no success, i believed i was just a lost cause. i thought i was out of options. i was made to feel that way by so many treatment professionals. i was told that nothing was working because of my complex trauma and that once i healed from that then i would stop being depressed (as if it’s that easy to just fully recover from CPTSD!) i was told that i just needed to do more DBT, i just needed to live and breathe DBT skills and then i would get better, even though i’d done intensive DBT programs for years with no improvement to my depression. (yes, it helped me to change my behavior and quit self harm, but behavior change isn’t necessarily indicative of a change in mood. i could do all the right things all the time and still be in excruciating mental pain.)

i was told that i just wasn’t trying hard enough, or that i must have a personality disorder, or that i just needed to exercise more, or eat less, or eat MORE, or eat differently, or get a job, or get a dog, or do yoga, or acupuncture, or biofeedback, or find purpose in my life— psychiatrist after psychiatrist looked for something to blame everywhere but in the mirror. instead of admitting that they weren’t equipped to help me, they made me believe that it was MY fault i wasn’t getting better. and i believed them. for SO long, i believed them.

and now after finding a medication that works for me, i see everything so much more clearly. psychiatrists need to put their enormous egos aside and actually treat patients with treatment resistant depression instead of blaming us for suffering from a (partially at least) biological illness. if you’re a doctor and you know that a patients illness is outside of the scope of your abilities, either do more research and get more training to help them or refer them to someone who specializes in what they need. don’t keep them around letting them pay you thousands of dollars while you make them try the same thing over and over and over again and expect to get a different result. people act like things like ECT are a last resort option, and in doing so make people believe that if it doesn’t help then you’re out of options. but nobody ever tried me on tricyclics. nobody tried me on MAOIs. nobody told me about how some dopamine agonists like Pramipexole have had some success in treating treatment resident depression. instead i was made to feel like asking to not be suicidal daily was asking for too much. if you’re a clinician who thinks that’s asking for too much, you’re in the wrong profession. we can do better than that. we NEED to do better than that.

in my experience, out of every profession, doctors have some of the biggest egos i’ve ever seen. i say this as someone who is both mentally ill as well as physically disabled. many doctors HATE it when you do your own research. they HATE it when you have suggestions, or when you ask for what you need. it’s almost as if they feel threatened by it, like they need to believe that they are superior to their patients because of how much time and money and energy they put into going to med school— they need to believe they hate their hard work was worth it so they have a tendency to dismiss any ideas their patients might have. i don’t care how many years you’ve been in school. you do not get to tell your sick patients that it’s their fault they’re sick to justify your laziness and refusal to learn new things. put away your god complex and actually listen to your patients.

and the strangest part to me is that the longer you have been suicidal for, the less seriously they take it. the same way that the more chronically ill you are the less people believe you. it’s bizarre— when people see pain that is beyond what they can fathom, instead of feeling empathy, they tell you you must be faking it or that you must be looking for attention. i’ll never understand this. it’s as if they think that suicidality doesn’t need to be taken seriously unless the patient has successfully completed suicide. and i think it’s very clear how that logic is flawed. i was treated like i just wanted attention whenever i asked for help with my chronic suicidality and it made me terrified to ask for help with ANYTHING. i still constantly am afraid that if i’m too honest with clinicians then they’ll think i just want attention. attention isn’t a bad thing to want, all human beings need some degree of attention, but regardless that doesn’t negate the severity of a person’s suicidality. i wasn’t attention seeking by asking for help. i was STRONG. i was really fucking strong, far stronger than i should’ve had to be. i fought for my life every single day and i am lucky to still be here but it’s not luck that got me here. it’s ME that got me here.

i don’t want to make it sound like i speak for everyone who has suffered from TRD, because i don’t think that would be fair. i can’t tell you if there’s a med out there that’ll work for you. all i can tell you is that most psychiatrists prematurely tell chronically suicidal patients that there is nothing they can do to help them or that they’re out of medication options. if you’re a psychiatrist or doctor and you feel yourself getting defensive while reading this, i invite you to get curious about where that activation is coming from.

and if you are someone with treatment resident depression or chronic suicidality reading this, i am telling you now: your illness is not your fault. i don’t know if it’s going to get better or not, but i can promise you— it is not your fault and it never has been.

#my words #treatment resistant depression #treatment resistant #major depressive disorder #major depression #clinical depression #transcranial magnetic stimulation #tms #rtms #electroconvulsive therapy #ect #electroshock #electroshock therapy #psychiatry #psychiatrist #dbt #therapy abuse #therapy #ketamine infusion #spravato #ketamine therapy #esketamine #trd #cptsd recovery #trauma healing #chronic illness #chronic pain #mine

[wvlls-roundme]

watching my close friends live their life normally hurts so much because i wanted to achive things too. seeing them study what they want and actually can do it, get what they want, not having any problems in life, good family, and etc... and then there is me whos life is just a whole failure. it makes me wanna kms more when i hear how their life is normal and good. because i will never have a life like theirs. and before eveything, i wont see the world like them again. i lost my spark. i feel empty all the time and i dont find any meaning in living. i cant enjoy even little things like them anymore. i wish i was them. but i'm not. i'll just die in this darkness, alone with my all thoughts. there is no chance for me to see the world same again.

#tw depressing thoughts #mdd #mdd thoughts #bpd #bpd vent #bpd thoughts #tw sui ideation #tw sui vent #tw s3lf harm #actually borderline #major depression #clinical depression #sui mention #sui ideation #jealous of non-mentally ill ppl #tw selfhate #988blr

[alittlebitmessedupgirl]

#mental ill health #mental disorder #mentally ill #mentally unwell #mental hospital #recovery #bpd #bpd recovery #bipolar disorder #emotionalpain #depression memes #major depression #major depressive disorder #cutting #ptsd recovery #ptsd #anxiety #social anxiety #anxious #eating disoder trigger warning #tw disordered eating #disordered eating thoughts

[schizodiaries]

One thing I noticed about schizoaffective disorder is how the depressive symptoms can influence negative symptoms, and vice versa. These symptoms often go hand in hand. For example:

Trouble showering or getting out of bed due to depression can make avolition worse.

Am I experiencing flat affect or are my emotions dampened as a result of feeling depressed?

Lack of motivation as a result of depression can look like boredom/anhedonia.

Flat affect makes me appear apathetic, but apathy is also a symptom of depression.

Social withdrawal is both a negative and depressive symptom. My depression makes me feel worthless and guilty, which only further encourages me to withdraw socially.

Is my desire to do nothing a result of avolition, or is it because I’m depressed?

You get the picture. These symptoms are so similar and can be hard to tell apart sometimes.

#personal #schizoaffective #actually schizoaffective #depression #major depression

[cleosmasterpiece]

I hate how my brain works

#major depressive disorder #bpd mood #mental health #bpd feels #bpd thoughts #depressing shit #kinda depressing #major depression #mentally unstable #tw depressing thoughts

[bpdcrybaby213]

Nothing changes at midnight. Another year of debilitating mental illness. Another year of exhaustion and fighting to stay alive. Many more years getting progressively worse.

#borderline personality disorder #living with bpd #bpd life #bpd thoughts #bpd stuff #actually bpd #bpd things #mental illness #mentally ill #actually mentally ill #mental exhaustion #mental disorder #major depression #mood disorder

[cvsgirl]

how do i explain to someone that i don't regret anything i've ever done and that i regret everything i've ever experienced, at the same time, constantly

#bpd #bpd mood #bpd blog #mdd #borderline personality disorder #bpd feels #bpd things #bpd thoughts #bpd stuff #major depression #major depressive disorder #borderline blog #borderline tag #borderline things #mdd thoughts #bpd tag #actually mdd

[drifting-bones]

i'll never be happy, will i? this is just how life is now. there's no going back.

#vent blog #vent post #bpd #bpd vent #actually borderline #actually bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd mood #actually paranoid #ppd #major depressive disorder #major depression #depressing shit #depressive episode #tw depressing thoughts #cannon.txt

[why-dontiknow]

Somedays I can't stand seeing people happy at the age I was so miserable at, realising my world stopped spinning but kept on for what seems like everyone else. And I'm still so broken and I have to live with that, while others can just live.

#mental illness #dysthymia #major depression #persistent depressive disorder #depressing shit #fuck

[danidoesntdie]

"Connecting"

#myart #mycomic #comic #major depression #burnout #mental illness #bpd #mental ill meme #anxiety #mdd #depression #depression memes