Maybe it began way back when, back when Dooku first met Jenza. His sister. His blood. Back when he first learned of the dragon that held his planet together. Back when he first connected, so briefly, with the Tirra’Taka.
Even once they’d been recovered, even when they’d left the planet, even back on Coruscant, he had not been able to forget it. Not the roar that shook his bones, echoed in his mind, woke him from a dead sleep for months afterward.
Master Yoda had told him he’d been distracted. And he had been. He’d flitted from lesson to lesson, his mind on a planet so far away, and it had showed.
Master Yoda had asked him what was wrong. Dooku had not known how to say that he felt the thoughts of a mind not his own, the thoughts of a creature. He had not known how to communicate what was nothing more than growls and roars.
Sifo had understood. Sifo understood that which couldn’t be explained. Sifo understood how it felt, to have your mind rendered not your own.
It was months, then, that he ripped himself away from the desire, the bones-deep urge to run, to find his way back to Serenno no matter how he did it, to hop on the next shuttle off-planet no matter how much trouble it got him in.
He did. Once. He’d heard Sifo and Master Kostana discussing a mission, preparing to leave, and the urge was just inescapable.
He snuck on board just as they were leaving.
He was returned a few short days later, spitting mad much as it wasn’t befitting of a padawan and roaring in his ears and a dressing-down from Master Yoda.
He never touched down on the planet itself, and he wouldn’t again for many years. By then, he convinced himself it was the folly of youth and nothing more.
>>
He still remembers when Sifo-Dyas first told him what he would become. He was barely a master, then, first finding his footing before accepting his first student. Sifo-Dyas was still traveling with Master Kostana, then, and Dooku was still pretending he wasn’t a bit jealous.
It was an evening, and lovely, and about to be ruined. Sifo looked to him–– never at him–– and said, in his way, “You’re going to be awful, Dooku.”
Dooku couldn’t help but laugh, more taken off guard than anything. He asked him what he meant, thinking it ridiculous. (Always thinking it ridiculous, until it wasn’t.)
Sifo-Dyas told him, told them all, about massacre and ruin and a burnt temple. And Dooku watched younglings run past a glittering mural, one testament of so many to centuries of prosperity, and laughed at the mere idea.
It all seemed so impossible, and yet it was not.
Sifo frowned, and out of his mouth spilled memory after memory. Because they weren’t visions, not to him. They were lived. They were memory.
It dug under Dooku’s skin, and he pretended it didn’t. He didn’t believe it–– he never would, not even as he was living it.
(Maybe he did believe it. Maybe everything was just a convoluted attempt to convince himself he was in the right.)
(Maybe quite a lot of being a Sith is convincing yourself you’re right.)
Knowing would not save him. It would not doom him, either. He could at least admit that.
>>
He thinks perhaps Master Yoda’s opinion was a bit warped by the centuries. He had never had that luxury. Never had the luxury to think about what his master would call the big picture.
In a lot of ways, maybe, he maybe never got over that. Never got over the idea that there was so much in the galaxy he would not know of, not have access to.
It itched under his skin, this offense, much as he always pretended it didn’t.
(Pretended until finally, he spilled it, like the greatest of secrets, to a man who promised the galaxy to him with no intention of giving it.)
>>
Sifo-Dyas had always known how it would end. Now, with what he knows, Dooku only wonders how Sifo had beared him for so long.
There came a time, after year after year wracked with visions, when Sifo-Dyas lived more in the future than the present, when he had only been able to look at Dooku as the man he would become. They had been decades away, still, from when Dooku would first be tempted, first be distracted, first be cruel, and his closest friend could only see him as such.
It had angered him, and scared him, and driven a wedge where there never should have been one.
>>
Some small part of him cursed Mace for not recognizing it, not the same as Sifo had.
Mace had always believed in him in ways he shouldn't have. They were too similar, and too different, and in the end that was why they'd ended up so far apart.
Mace and Sifo had never seen eye to eye, in many ways. Dooku never blamed them for it. They had been much too alike for it to be comfortable for either of them. He doesn't think they ever realized that was the reason.
Mace thought Sifo was soft. Sifo thought Mace too set in his ways for his own good. They were both right. Dooku blamed both and neither of them, and did not blame himself as much as he should.
>>
The trick of a Sith’s student is to convince yourself you’re important. To convince yourself you’re not like the others. To convince yourself that you will succeed where the others have failed. Being a Sith, being a student, is an exercise in believing yourself above others, believing yourself to be exceptional where you should damn well you're not.
Tricking yourself, tricking others, pretending until you're convinced the same as everyone else.
He had thought himself too old for those trivialities. Unfortunately, being old was not the same as becoming wise to the ways of the world. Being a Jedi was not the same as becoming wise to the ways of the Sith.
Being clever was not an antidote to the pitfalls of ego.
>>
He had first met Sheev Palpatine on a mission to Naboo, back when he had just been made master, just had his padawan braid cut.
He had, of course, met Sidious then, and many years afterwards. He had not thought much of him, then. Hardly anything at all.
>>
Contrary to popular belief, his leave from the Jedi wasn’t any more than that. It wasn’t part of a master plan, and it was months before he was contacted by Sidious, besides.
No. Dooku loved his planet, much as he shouldn’t. Loved Jenza, despite it being, undeniably, an attachment.
He had never been able to ignore his sister.
He had never been able to ignore the dragon-call in his bones.
He had never been able to ignore the need to be someone, when he had the opportunity to be.
And then he slayed the dragon. And something within him had snapped.
>>
The trap of the Sith is the same as its appeal: it is not possible to go halfway. It is not possible to give it up. It is not possible to unlearn what has been taught.
Being lied to and believing it often feels like having your eyes opened for the first time. Often feels like you’re privy to something special the rest of the world is not.
Being a fool often feels like being something of a genius.
Dooku, a few short years from the Jedi and increasingly bitter, lapped up lies like a parched man finding an oasis.
He was not so egotistical as to think he could trick the Sith. He was just egotistical enough to think he could get away before it was too late.
Perhaps that was what every Sith thought, in the beginning. Perhaps they all thought they were special, that they could look away before it was too late. That they could get away before they were drawn too far in.
Dooku had had decades of growing disillusioned with the Order. It was all too easy to replace it with something else.
He could see now, in ways he wouldn’t have even known to look for before, the spiderweb cracks that marked Sidious’ meddling in the Order. It saddened him in ways he didn’t expect, to think maybe he had hardly been able to appreciate it without influence.
He didn’t think much about that.
>>
Maybe, if he could admit it to himself, he had been, in some small way, a bit in love.
Not with Sidious. But with what he represented, perhaps. With the sheer freedom of it all.
(Always the promise of freedom. Never its delivery.)
Dooku had always been weak to flattery. He believed himself intelligent, wise. Sifo would have called it his royal blood. Would have mocked him for it–– and did, for decades.
He’d not been there. Not anymore. And Dooku was flattered.
Flattered, and then some. Swayed. Convinced there was no harm in hearing him out, just a little. Like a frog in a pot, by the time he realized what was wrong, it had been far too late.
(Unlike the frog, he hadn’t wanted out.)
(Maybe he’d been in love with Sidious. Just a little.)
>>
He had not thought himself capable of any real cruelty. He found it almost laughable. He had been a master Jedi! For decades! He had trained some of the best!
It came so easy that he would have balked at it if he hadn’t been so exhilarating.
Sidious knew just how to push him, to make him feel as though it was necessary, to make him feel as though it wasn’t Dooku’s fault, it was the Jedi, it was the galaxy. It wasn’t Dooku’s fault at all.
He remembers being on his knees, Sidious taking Dooku’s shaking hands in his own, tipping his chin up into soft eyes. He remembers feeling two seconds from collapse. He remembers being asked in a gentle voice, “What has you so concerned, my apprentice?”
The voice was a calming draught after months of preparing for war, after years of training, and Dooku rested his head in Sidious’ hands with the fervor of a man come to face his savior.
Dooku drank in any moments he could get of Sidious’ softer side. It felt worth it, to suffer so much, if only for moments like this.
“I fear...” he started, and paused for a moment to wet his lips, finding his mouth suddenly dry. “I fear I am no Jedi anymore.”
What he meant to say: I’m in too deep. I can’t get out now. I don’t know what I’m doing. I miss the Order. I hate them. I want to make this galaxy suffer. Why didn’t anyone stop me? I would do anything for you. I don’t remember why I started any of this.
He was shocked by the bark of laughter from his master’s mouth. Carefully manicured nails bit into his cheeks. “Of course you’re not, my student.”
>>
Dooku died disgraced, and stupid, and a fool. He died having gained nothing, and having lost much.
Realizing, in that one terrifying, blazing moment, that he had never been anything at all–– nothing special, nothing new, nothing smart enough to outwit Sidious, that his role was done and he was dead–– had not sanctified him. Had not purified him. Had not saved him.
Dying was not the same as redemption.
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