Sana x M Reader- “Ikaw Pa Rin” (It’s Still You)
Happy 24K reads and and also a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR SHIBA INU, BUBBLY SQUIRREL, GIRLFRIEND COLLECTOR, SANAKE, ULTIMATE BIAS WRECKER, MS. SHY SHY SHY, *inhales and exhales* DUALITY GODDESS AND ONCE'S ROYAL PRINCESS, Minatozaki Sana!
As a commemoration of her special day today and being true from what I mentioned on my announcement I gave days ago, HERE'S A TRIPLE UPDATE FOR YALL READERS!
But beware, this has an angst also just like the female reader featured one yet don't worry cuz the additional special one-shot will be FULL ON FLUFF.
Also, as you can see in the title ... it's in a different language called Tagalog (which is my native language and yes, I am a Filipino) so I guess you guys have a clue already on what you would encounter in this story, but don't worry... I tried my best to translate although it's not a bit perfectly accurate.
Lastly, these three new updates will be my final ones for this year and also to finally close Set 4 before I go on to my indefinite hiatus.
(This story is based on a Filipino song titled "Ikaw Pa Rin" by mrld. Go and give it a listen because I swear the song is so good!)
I wish you all again A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
---------- START ----------
You were standing in front of the altar with your friend and the priest nearby.
All of the visitors were staring in the same direction as you through the closed huge door.It suddenly opened. A dazzling light from outside greeted everyone within the church initially, until a figure slowly enters, highlighted by the light behind her.
Minatozaki Sana, the love of your life, finally enters the chapel in her white wedding gown. She had everyone's attention, even yours.
Of course, who can resist looking at how stunning she looks in white?
As she gradually began to go down the aisle, each step she took and her presence drawing closer to you reminded you of all the memories you shared with her, dating back to when you two first met.
(25 YEARS AGO - 1997)
You were 8 years old when you went with your Filipino parents to a friend's wedding at Manila Catheral in Intramuros, Manila, Philippines.
You were standing behind your father, who was now conversing with some of his associates, when he spotted you glancing around, quiet and unsure of what to do or why you were staying with him.
He kneeled in front of you and placed his hand on your shoulder. "Nak, huwag kang magpapalayo ha? Dito ka lang, babalikan kita kapag malapit na magstart okay?"
(Son, don't get too far. Just stay here, I will return to you when it's about to start, okay?), your father Mr. Torres, told you with his small smile in the end of his words.
"Opo, papa.", you nodded at him before he patted your head.
"Good, sige dito ka lang muna ha? Puntahan ko lang mga ibang bisita natin.", (Good, all right, just stay here first, right? I'm just going to see our other guests.) you nodded your head once again before your father walked next to a group of people standing near at one of the statues of the saints displayed inside the church.
You decided to walked into the front of the church and sat at one of the steps in its staircase.
Pulling out your phone in your small bean bag, you opened it and pressed some installed game of yours to play with.
During your playtime, you suddenly heard someone crying near at you which got curious.
You tried to ignore it but it just seems to keep on getting louder. It raised your concern.
"Kanino yun?", (Whose is that?) you asked to yourself.
You paused your game for a while, putting it back to your bean bag as you stood up from your seat.
You turned your body and slowly walked to the side where some benches near the barricated plants are placed.
It made you saw that a girl sitting at the last bench, looking down on the ground while crying.
Worried at this girl who was exactly the same age as yours before, you slowly walked up to her and looked at where she's looking at.
There, you noticed that a melted ice cream was on the ground in front of her.
"Hey, bakit ka umiiyak? Anong nangyari sayo?", (Hey, why are you crying? What happened to you?) you asked the girl wearing a plain purple dress designed with an image of Betty Boop character on the chest.
She only glanced at you with a puzzled expression when you questioned her.
"Nani o itte iru?", (What are you saying?) she said. It made you furrow your eyebrows instantly as you didn't understood what she just said... however, that language sounded very familiar to your ears.
"Eh?"
"I- I said I... don't know much Tagalog...", she stuttered as she translated for you on what she meant to respond at your question.
"Oh... sorry. You speak English and...? Wait, are you a foreigner?", you started to speak English the same as her since she does look like she can speak with it after all too.
"Yes, Japanese.", her tiny voice declared her nationality. That confirmed your initial thoughts after hearing her familiar language, though you're confident that you're right.
The advantages of playing multilingual video games, you thought.
"Woah, so you're from Japan? Cool.", you said in awe, shocked that you just met a foreigner too early in your age. "I am a Filipino though."
"Me too. I- I'm half.", she revealed to you the reason why she can atleast understand a bit of Tagalog words, making you gasp. Her mom was actually a Filipina while her father is a Japanese, hence giving her a half Filipino- half Japanese race.
"So, why are you crying?"
"Ice cream... nahulog? (fell) Was that the word?", she asked you, wanting to know if the Tagalog word she picked to explain was accurate.
"Yeah it is.", you answered, impressed and confused that she can somehow learn how to use some words she knew already well.
"Ohh... now I know. Is that your favorite?", she only nodded while pouting her lips. She looked really cute.
You went silent as you think of a way to cheer her up.
"Wait, stay here and I'll be back.", you said to her after finally gaining an idea to do so. She mouthed okay while continuing to wipe out her tears as you left her for a minute, returning back inside the church.
Afterwards, you returned with money on your hand. You went towards Sana who is still silent and sniffling as she cleaned her reddish wet eyes from crying.
"Follow me, I'm giving you something.", she just listened to you although she hd no clue what are you're planning to do for her
You and her went to the ice cream truck parked in front of the chapel. Her eyed shined as she was now back at the truck where she bought her wasted ice cream.
"Pabili po ng isang strawberry at isang mango. Eto po bayad.", (Can I buy one strawberry and one mango. Here's the payment.) you said to the ice cream vendor man who followed your order.
He started to prepare it, scooping two three times on the chosen flavor and putting it on the cones.
All finished, the vendor gave to you the two ice creams you bought.
"Salamat po." (Thank you.)
After receiving it, you gave the mango-flavored ice cream to Sana who is still staring in surprise at you.
You observed a while ago that the flavor of the ice cream she dropped was mango so you just ordered the same then.
"Take it. It's yours.", you said to Sana, lending the mango ice cream to her.
"B-but... I don't have any money to give back...", she shyly looked away, swaying her body back and forth slowly.
"Don't worry about it, it's fine.", you shook your head. "It's my family's money and I wanted to get some ice cream too so... to be fair, I just bought us one each."
Enough to be satisfied at your defense and just let you do what you want since you assured her, she accepted it. "T-thank you."
You licked at your chocolate flavored ice cream before asking and introducing yourself to her. "I am YN, what is your name?"
"Sana.", she smiled, her fluffy cheek inflated with it, contributing to her cuteness.
"Okay, nice to meet you Sana...", you gave your hand to her for a handshake gesture which she unreluctantly accepted. " Uhh do you want to sit with me and
watch me play games on my phone?"
"Yes!"
And because of that, Sana officially became your first childhood friend, starting a long impressive strong friendship with her.
She sat beside you on one of the steps in the staircase in front of the entrance door as she watched you beat down the boss of the level in the game you're playing on your phone.
(20 YEARS AGO - 2002)
You and Sana both entered high school in the same school also at 13 years old.Joining her on your first day of class, each sought on your respective classrooms where your section is assigned.
"Here is my room, my name is on the list.", you said to Sana after locating your name on the list posted at the wall beside the door of your classroom.
"Kimi wa dōdeshou? Samahan kita maghanap?" (How about you? Should I assist you on searching?), you asked her since she haven't found her room yet.
"It's fine, kahit huwag na YN.", Sana tried to reject your offer. She can also speak Tagalog now since you've been helping her Filipina mom to speak your native language for 3 years after she got to know about you being Sana's new found friend. You also want her to speak more comfortably and easier to understoood each other.
"May 20 minutes pa pala bago magstart.", (There's still 20 minutes left before it starts.) you said after looking at your phone. "Halika, hanapin nalang natin muna yung sayo.", (Come on, let's find yours first.) you didn't mind her declining anymore as you decided to initiate on your own to help her instead.
You and Sana proceeded at the next room adjacent to yours. Just like what you did, Sana tried to find her name if it belongs with the other names listed inside.
"Take your time."
Sana was gliding her eyes up and down while searching until it stopped when the surname initial M on the girls list caught her eyes.
Reading the full name, she immediately recognized it as hers.
"OH YN! YN, LOOK!", Sana excitingly called you as she points on the list. You followed where her finger is leading you and there, you read Sana's imprinted name; confirming that she now had a section and a room to enter everyday to participate in the class.
"Looks like we won't take us longer to find, magkatabi lang naman pala tayo ng room.", (Our rooms are just next to each other.) you chuckled.
"Mabuti nalang." (Thank goodness.), she stated, sighing in relief. "Sā, jugyō ni ikimashou, malapit na rin dumating teachers natin.", (Come on, let's go to class, our teachers will also come soon.) she bid goodbye to you for a while, stepping away from your side as she waved her hands.
"Okay. See you later sa recess Sana!"
"Okay!"
After the end of the class, you and her walked together again on your way home while eating your favorite street food with as both stopped by to buy some.
Before entering your house, you invited Sana to play together tomorrow since it's weekend. As her suggestion, she wants you rather to teach her how to ride the bike as she admitted that she kinda felt jealous seeing you few days ago bringing your newly bought bike with you into your house.
Since that's what she wanted to do with you, you were eager to oblige and granted her request; setting a different plan on your time with her tomorrow.
The next day, you lived up to your words as you taught her by letting her borrow your bike for tutorial. As you keep on teaching her the techniques and tips to help her focus and balance riding on the bike, Sana attentively listens to her friend's lessons.
"Ulitin natin?" (Let's repeat again?), you asked her, still holding her to support her posture for balancing. Shenodded her head as a yes in response.
"Okay... 1,2,3 Pedal!", you let go of her as you gently pushed her to some minor force, allowing Sana to do the work as she started moving her legs to drive the bike.
She observed that she wasn't falling yet as she just kept continuing on pedaling the bike, maintaining the wheels to stood straight while rolling across the road and guiding her away from you. "YN!!!", she shouted in glee as she's getting a glimpse of success on what she's doing.
"Yan sige tuloy lang! (Yes, go keep on going!) Keep your eyes straight!", you reminded her by yelling, forming your hands like a megaphone to echo your voice for her to hear.
"AAAAAAA YN!"
"Anatanara dekiru! (You can do it!)", you cheered her more before you were satisfied enough at her progress.
"YES! STOP, STOP THE BIKE NOW, SANA.", she listened to your direction, pulling the brake to lessen the speed of the bike. She slowly hopped out from the seat as she ran in front of you.
"Oh my God, nakita mo yun YN?!", (Oh my God, did you see that YN?!) she asked you with those huge gorgeous grin on her face.
"Yup, malinaw na malinaw.", (Yup, very clear.) you said confidently to her.
"AAAAAA MARUNONG NAKO MAGBIKE!", (I KNOW HOW TO BIKE NOW!) she squealed, raising her pair of arms and wiggled it in joyfulness. You just calmly laughed at her actions.
"HAHAHAHAHAH see? I told you na madali lang. But keep on practicing okay? Para masanay ka talaga lalo.", (I told you it's easy. But keep on practicing okay? So you can really get used to it.) you said to her, presenting your hands forming a thumbs up as your another way to inform her that she did a good job.
"Gusto ko umulit pero siguro bukas ko nalang itutuloy.", (I want to repeat again but maybe I will just continue it tomorrow.) she lets out a slightly dismayed expression.
"Why? Pagod kana?", (You're already tired?) she nodded her head while pouting her lips to tell you silently that she is.
"Oh sige, pahinga muna tayo dito bago tayo umuwi.", (Oh well, let's rest here before we go home.) you said as you sat on the sidewalk in front of your house while she took the space beside yours, drinking the water inside her tumbler.
After a few minutes, you saw the sky about to turn dark for the sun the start setting down and let the moon in for nighttime. Both of you decided to return in your respective homes.
"Oshiete kurete arigatō (Thank you for teaching me), YN-kun", she gave her gratitude to you after you escorted her in front of her house.
"Daijōbu (No problem),-sana chan.", you smiled at her.
"If masanay na talaga ako, pwede bang sabayan moko mag bike?" (If I really get used to it, can you always join me on riding our bikes together?)
"Yeah, sure. Gusto ko yan.", (Yeah, sure. I like that.) you accepted her favor. "Another way of bonding narin natin." (Another way of our own bonding together.)
"YAYYYYY!!! SALAMAT ULIT YN!", (THANK YOU YN!) she exclaimed again in excitement and happiness. You just laughed at her before it halted in a snap when you just experienced for the first time what she did next to you that completely transformed your perspective on your childhood bestfriend.
She leaned her against face closer against you and planted a soft kiss on your left cheek then releasing it with a tiny smooch sound. Your eyes sprung wide in astonishment when she did that unexpectedly.
"BYEEE HEHE", she said goodbye to you before sprinting ahead inside her house.
"B-bye... Sana.", you only spoke that under your breath, unable to make her hear as she already closed her door quickly, leaving you standing alone still in disbelief at the kiss she just gave you.
If you could have seen your reflection at that moment, you would have noticed the heavy blush created around your cheeks, particularly in the spot where she kissed you, which troubled you for days as you gradually began to grow fascinating profound affection for Sana while thinking whether did that kiss meant something else.
(15 YEARS AGO - 2007)
You and Sana turned 18 years old and both were still studying at the same school as seniors.
It was the month of February and Valentines Day has arrived. You just left the auditorium where your club just held a meeting and ended it exactly in recess for the members to have lunch before returning to your classes.
Walking down the hallway, you encountered Sana who was walking too along with some... gifts in her hands that she's carrying with. It made you became suspicious on whoever gave that to her.
"YN!!!"
"Hey, Sana," you said to her. You cast a downward glance at the paper bag and flowers in her hands. She hadn't even responded yet, but you had a suspicion you wouldn't like what she was about to say, which made you uneasy.
"Ano iyang mga dala mo?" (What are those you're carrying?)
"Well... hehe eto?", she looked down on the gifts she's holding, her smile seemed embarassed and fluttered which got you gulped nervously.
"Ahh may nagbigay sakin." (Ahh, somebody gave these to me.)
Just like that, your smile immediately shrinked down.
"Woah... seryoso? May nagbigay sayo ng Valentines Gift?"
"Yup! Shōgeki-tekidesu yo ne?(Shocking, right?)", she giggled. "Hindi ko nga ineexpect na may magbibigay sakin eh pero... heto." (I didn't even expected that there will be somebody who will give to me but... here it is.), she reached the thing inside the paper bag, which revealed to be a squirrel plushie.
"Ang cute diba?!" (It's cute, right?), she asked you as she gripped it tightly.
You can see in her face that she was really happy with the gift she received, but that wasn't supposed to make you happy for her because... it should've been you who had to make her feel like that.
You were now having a crush on Sana since 7th grade where the kiss she gave to you on that weekend awakened and bloomed something different in your heart that you never felt before when it come to her.
And that is none other than this crazy little thing called love.
You started to act more active whenever you're with her, giving her some hints or signs that everything you've been doing for her holds a different reason with all of it.
But unfortunately, her heart was too blind to make her see it all. Her kiss that she gave to you back then was just nothing but a false hope.
That is because she was the polar opposite of you, she doesn't see and think of you more than just a friend. She only stays like that for you.
Most importantly, how could she even develop a loving fond to you if she wasn't even interested at all to you? Instead, her attention is all set on this other unknown guy that she found probably from the other class who was the same mysterious person that gave her these precious gifts for Valentines.
"A-ah... oo." (yes), you agreed. It really does cute, also looks like same as her because for sure that guy knows also that Sana has a similarity and considers hamsters as her spirit animal.
"Ang sweet naman ng nagbigay sayo. Baka naman... c-crush ka nun?", (Whoever gave you that is so sweet, could it be... that one has a crush on you?) you tried to tease her but that only left a bitter taste in your mouth when you said it.
"S-sana nga... (I hope so)", she hoped. It hurted you, hearing this girl that made you fall in love with, wishing that the other guys she prefers than you would want her too.
It's almost as if you felt like she doesn't even need your love at all because she has this one that she would likely glad to have more of.
"O-oh sige, balik nako sa room ko.", (O-oh okay, I'll go back to my room.) you excused yourself to her, only to escape this conversation you're having with her because you don't know whether you could insert yourself to it much longer and hear more inappopriate story about that guy who gave her the gifts. "Need ko magreview konti sa quiz namin." (I need to review a little on our quiz.)
"Okiii goodluck YN!"
"Thanks.", you solemnly said before entering to your classroom and went back to your seat.
You sat down as you sighed off the pain that you were enduring after what Sana commented regarding your teasing.
You unzipped your bag hanging in the back of your classmate's seat and there, what contains inside made you grimace completely in remorse.
Inside your bag was supposed to be your Valentines gift you were about to give to Sana today. But after what you just witnessed and heard from her, you guessed that it would rather need to be cancelled instead because someone already went ahead of you already of doing so for Sana.
"I guess this wasn't needed anymore. May nauna naman na sakin.", (Someone has already made it first before me. you muttered to yourself before closing again and laid your head to your armdesk, spending the whole 10 minutes break remaining for a short nap in loneliness.
As you went home with Sana, you regretted pulling off a cold treatment to Sana throughout the rest of the walk as she tried to share her stories with you about what happened to her today, including the full summary about her admirer giving her the gifts you examined a while ago.
When she spotted your blank expression, you just reasoned that you weren't feeling well. She wished you to get well and hugged you before entering her house, earning atleast an uplifting moment from her today to recover from earlier.
"Hi Ma", you greeted your mother who is sitting in the couch, scrolling on her phone.
"Musta ang klase anak?", (How is the class, son?) your mother Mrs. Torres, asked you as you gave her a respectful bless by the hand after walking closer to her.
"Okay lang naman po.", (It's just okay.) you lie but thankfully it was enough convincing for her to accept.
"Good, kikilos na muna ako sa kusina at nang maipagluto na kita ng paborito mong ulam ngayon.", (Good, I'll go ahead for now in the kitchen so that I can cook for you your favorite dish today. ) well that atleast made your mood brightened up a little bit.
"Yey! Patawag nalang po ako, ma. Magpapahinga lang po ako sa taas.", (Yay! Can you please just call me, mom? I'm just going to rest upstairs.) she got it understood as you made your way upstairs.
Entering your bedroom with your uniform still around your body, you laid down on the bed. The smile you're wearing in front of your mother disappeared.
You opened your bag and took out your supposed to be gifts for Sana: a flower and a box of chocolates. To keep it handy, you planned to give it to your father later as an additional Valentine's present for your mother when he returns to home instead.
You opened his phone and saw a new message notification from Sana's account.
You clicked to look at its contents which made you saw two recently sent pictures, one is the gifts Sana received and one is her picture with the guy who gave her gifts, which revealed to be the most popular guy around the campus because of his intelligence and good looks in your batch year named Seth.
You closed again your phone and placed it beside you, staring through the ceiling as you felt saddened that you already considered yourself defeated knowing that you have no match against someone like Seth.
(10 YEARS AGO - 2012)
You and Sana both graduated and finished your four years of college education. In recognition of your accomplishment with her, both of your parents agreed to attend dinner together, where they showered you two with praises and congratulatory notes.
Not forgetting about your own ways of having fun with Sana, she urged you to join her and Seth tomorrow going outside to hang out.
Yes, Seth unintentionally became your friend just because when Sana introduced you to him. There was no uncertainty that some girls would fall for him based on your observations of him. He actually embodies what a woman's ideal man might be in reality.
Although he is a pure Filipino just like you, his appearance seems like he is a foreigner just like Sana, his facial features might even reach and qualify to the standards of men's looks in other countries.
You wanted to say no ofcourse because you know that these two both share the same mutual strong admiration towards each other.
And you don't want to take the VIP pass just to see them being lovey-dovey throughout your whole time being with them while you're still having a crush wth Sana, considering it as a torture to your heart.
But, not wanting to disappoint Sana that you declined the opportunity to spend time with her and also to your friend Seth, you just accepted her invitation and there you are with them in the park, sitting on the bench as you used your phone for a while to entertain yourself while waiting for them to return.
Sana approached you while holding two hamburgers on her hands.
"YN!", she called your name, grabbing your attention away from your phone.
You looked up her and saw her giving you the other wrapped burger she had in her right hand.
You took it from her willingly. "Thank you."
"May binili pa si Seth kaya pinahatid niya nalang muna sa akin yung sayo.", (Seth still bought something else so he sent yours to me first.) she said, pointing her thumb backwards.
"Drinks?"
"Yeah."
"Lawak ng ngiti mo ngayon ah.", (Your smile is so wide today, huh.) you said after spotting her apparent big grin pasted on her face. That grin that never fails to melt your heart when you see how captivating it is.
"Anong iniisip mo?", (What are you thinking?) you asked her teasingly, wiggling your eyebrows while smirking.
"Aah... oo nga pala, a-ano kasi... nag-usap kami ni Seth kanina.", (Aah... yes, by the way, what... Seth and I talked earlier.) she said sheepishly.
"And?"
"Tinanong niya ako kung gusto niya ba daw akong maging girlfriend so... (He asked me if he wanted me to be his girlfriend so...)
... YES sinagot ko agad siya.", (YES I answered him immediately.) she said that one word that rang into your eyes annoyingly.
Your heart felt like it just stopped beating when you heard it. Body frozen, breath stolen, heart clenching. All of that happened simulteanously because of that single statement.
A game where you are completely dominated by the final boss leading you to a game over. That's exactly what it felt like when Sana said that one yes to do, confirming your biggest fear when it comes to her.
That game is called "Race For Sana's Heart", you were the challenger and the final boss was none other than Seth who just beat you easily, claiming the victory you tried your best to fight for.
It was unfair if you will look on the other angle, because Seth has the advantage already since that prize he's chasing for chooses him to be as the rightful possessor more than you.
"O-oh... so... kayo na?" (Oh, so... you two are now together?), your smile shifted into a fake one. Every pound of your heart to your chest was getting heavier and intense in pain the more you look at her happy state you know who's capable of doing that to her every single day.
"Hai,-sōdesu. (Yes, we are) Boyfriend ko na siya.", she nodded with a smile.
You tightened your lips and sighed. Eyes were blinking rapidly, fighting the urge to cry in front of her to avoid worrying her because of your stupid crush issue. "W-wow... nice. C-congrats sa inyong dalawa, Sana. Di ko inexpect h-ha?" (W-wow... nice. C-congrats to both of you, Sana. I didn't expect it huh?)
"Yah, sorry. Kita ko nga sayo na gulat ka.", (Yeah, sorry. I can really see that you are surprised.) she chuckled, slapping your arm that made your body broke out in its frozen form.
The sting came from the impact of her hit didn't do much damage to you because you are completely numb as of the moment due to your heart shattering in half.
"Masyadong out of nowhere. Puntahan ko lang ulit siya ha?" (Too out of nowhere. I'll just go back to him, okay?)
"Sure.", you nodded your heard, giving her the permission to return back to her now-proclaimed boyfriend Seth.
Watching her shrink from your sight, you wandered your eyes around at the park to distract yourself just so you won't be bawling your eyes out in tears after learning that your crush was now successfully claimed by someone else.
(6 YEARS AGO - 2016)
You spent your day-off and what better way to do so than having your childhood bestfriend Sana on your side throughout the entire day.
It was 9PM at night and drove her home by using your car after you ate with her in a restaurant and leaving the mall where you two went shopping together.
Parking the car just in front of the gate of her house and opening the headlights to light up the street, you turned your head to Sana who is sitting next to you on the drivers seat.
"Koko ni ita, (We're here) Sana", you informed her. She stretched her body posture, removing her back away from leaning onto the car seat.
"Oh... thank you, YN."
She was about to exit the car but you haven't pressed the button to unlock it, preventing her from going out because you remembered the main reason why you decided to bring her with you everywhere like the usual thing you do together since childhood.
"Wait... Sana, uhm... bago ka lumabas may sasabihin lang ako.", (before you go out I just want to say something.) you said, alerting her.
She glanced at you, curiousity struck her. "I'm all ears, YN. Sorehanandesuka? (What is it?)"
"May rason ako kung bakit talaga kita inimbita ngayon na lumabas tayo.", (I have a reason why I really invited you today for us to go out.) you looked away from her, setting your gaze to the steering wheel where you're holding at, tapping your fingers uneasefully.
"Uhm... kasi..." (because)
"Kasi ano?" (Because what?)
"Gusto ko munang magbonding tayo bago ako... umalis.", (I want us to go bonding together before I... leave.) you bitten your lower lip, closing your eyes as you felt the immense sadness you're feeling knowing that this would be the last time you'll get to meet her again for now.
"Umalis? Wait, YN... s-saan ka pupunta? (Leave? Wait, YN... w-where are you going?", she crunched her forehead, eyebrows nearly connecting in confusion.
"Well... yung company na pinagtatrabahuan ko inofferan ako ng kontrata sa isang company sa Canada for 6 years.", (Well... the company I was working for offered me a contract with a company in Canada for 6 years.) you shrugged your shoulders, eyes still watching your fingers grazing and sliding through the texture of the steering wheel nervously.
"Naexplain nila sakin ng maayos na mas magiging mataas yung sweldo na makukuha ko and opportunity narin na matuto ng marami sa field ng engineering." (They explained to me properly that the salary I will get will be higher and I will have the opportunity to learn a lot more in the field of engineering.
"Inisip ko sila mama, papa pati mga kapatid ko kaya ayun... k-kinuha ko.", "Pati rin ikaw, gusto ko mang tanggihan pero mas kailangan ito ng pamilya ko." (I thought of my mom, dad, and my siblings so... I took it. You too, I wanted to reject it but my family needs it more.) your voice lowered at the end before you mentally said those words you wanted to say to her.
"K-Kailan alis mo?" (W-when is your leave?)
"Bukas." (Tomorrow.)
"At mawawala ka ng... ilan? 6 years?", (And.. you'll disappear for... how many? 6 years?) you just nodded in response to her clarification.
"Tagal rin.", (Still long too.) she muttered, heaving out a sigh then her lips formed a pout. "Bale magaantay ako ng ganun kahaba para makita ulit bestfriend ko." (That means I'll be waiting that long to see my bestfriend again.)
"Kanashīkedo dō shiyō (It's sad but what could I do), pangarap mo yan and ang magagawa ko lang is to support you." (That's your dream and all I can do is support you.) , she lets out a bitter smile.
She holds your free hand laying on your lap firmly as glanced at it, sending chills through your skin.
"Pero thank you, dahil kahit papaano ako agad naalala mo bago ka umalis. Sapat na yun para hindi ako malungkot masyado sa pag alis mo.", (But thank you, because somehow you immediately remembered me before you leave. That's enough for me not to be too sad when you leave.) she showed a smile that's indicating she was touched by it.
"Ofcourse, ikaw yung long time b-bestfriend ko and masyado na tayong malapit sa isa't isa... dapat lang.", (Ofcourse, you are my long time b-bestfriend and we are too close to each other... it should be.) you said, stuttering at the word you wished it wasn't just your role to her life.
You gripped her hand, bending all your fingers to lock her hand within your warm grasp.
She narrowed her gap between you and her, pushing her body forward to wrap you in a hug for comfort, knowing that you were probably feeling very low that you won't be seeing her around for quite a long time starting tomorrow.
"I will miss you, YN. Mag-ingat ka doon ha?" (Be careful there, okay?), you heard her clearly that she started sniffing, signifying that she's getting teared up at how sad she's feeling seeing her bestfriend need to be gone afar to pursue a part of his dreams to come true.
"Noted, Sana. Gusto ko pa kitang makita syempre." (I still want to see you of course.), you chuckled, she felt your body vibrated because of your laughter. "Thank you for spending your time with me today.", you whispered to her as you pushed her closer through your body, enjoying how it feels so good to embrace the woman that had got head over heels for so long.
2 minutes later, you found Sana sleeping peacefully in your arms after noticing that it's becoming awkwardly quiet now inside the car, no one taking the dare to break the silence.
"Pagod ka na pala pero pinili paring makinig sakin. Hays, di talaga ako nagtataka bat gusto kita sobra.", you murmured under your breath, staring at her sleeping face placed on top of your broad shoulder. (You're tired but still choose to listen to me. Sigh, I'm not really surprised that I like you a lot.)
You carefully carried Sana in your arms in a bridal style and entered her house, greeting and reminding Mr. and Mrs. Minatozaki that their daughter is now asleep. They understood as they let you bring her to her own room.
Placing her in the bed and tucking in the blanket in her body, you looked at her peacefully sleeping face and cupped his cheek one last time before planting a kiss on it.
"Goodnight, Sana. Babalik ako para sayo, promise.", (I'll be back for you, promise.) you whispered to her as you swayed some strands of her hair away to unblock the view of her unreal beauty before leaving her room, marking the start of your 6 years disappearance as you left Philippines to Canada to continue your work there.
(PRESENT TIME - 2022)
Back in the present, your senses revived, teleporting you back to reality as flashbacks in your head stopped.
You were still standing in front of the altar, facing the audience... but not as the groom of the bride striding down the aisle, catching everyone's attention as if an angel had just descended within the sacred place.
Instead, you were picked as best man, and the wedding that was held today was none other than Sana and her partner Seth.
Sana reached the end of the path, both yours and her pair of eyes connected at each other.
You walked closer to her as she did the same, hands placed in your pants' pockets.
"Thank you, YN.", she mouthed to you with a smile escaped at the end.
"Welcome. C-congrats again, Sana.", you nodded, providing a timid smile before passing ahead of her, returning back to seat as you let her go to the man she was destined instead to share her love for the rest of her life in this world.
A little recall, during your stay in Canada in the entire 6 years; everyday before and after going to work... your mind and heart was filled by the same and only woman you loved.
When you were feeling exhausted, all you had to do was check up her images on your phone to restore your energy.
When you were longing for her, you basically drowned yourself out of reality by rewinding every wonderful moment you spent with her, either by zoning out or by watching videos you filmed with her.
When you're feeling down, you just call or speak with her like you normally do to keep in touch. Just seeing and hearing her voice especially her adorable laugh as she responds to your messages immediately puts a smile on your face.
Summaring it all, everything is just her. Aside from your parents, your other purpose of living is because of Sana.
Without one of these two, that purpose would quickly fade to black.
Just weeks ago, after you returned back in the Philippines; she was the first person you wanted to see as you landed in the airport.
After you arrived in your house with your luggages on hand, Sana was standing along with your parents. She immediately ran and crashed her body to wrap you in a tight, longing hug that she missed for 6 years.
Your heart blossomed in bliss after you got to able to touch her and witness her beautiful face once again. Noticing her new hairstyle which she colored her hair brown, that sidn't do much difference to her appearance anyways since she remained the same as always: deadly attractive.
As you decided to catch up those last times with her, she informed you about a news during your conversation with her that switched your mood in an instant.
She told you that she was now engaged to Seth after he proposed to her few months ago during their vacation in Boracay. She even showed you the engagement ring she has on her finger that took your attention when you saw it as she held her phone, facing at you.
And what broke your heart even worse was that she appointed you as the best man, which was opposite of what you wanted to experience with her.
You wanted to marry her and be the husband of her family not that but you don't have any more choice but to accept her invitation.
She was taken anyways and you will never make her yours whatever you do, that's the truth and you cannot change it.
Now leading you to where you at right now, you painfully watched them sealed their wedding vow and end the event with a loving kiss to each other while feeling devastated and burdened with heartbreak.
You clapped along with the guests with tears flowing out on your eyes, mixed with happiness and sorrow knowing that Sana is now married but with another man.
(1 HOUR LATER)
The after-wedding reception is currently being held beside the chapel.
The guests including the newlyweds are having fun, eating delicious foods, chatting along with friends, families and relatives and dancing along to every song being played by the host and the DJ.
You on the other hand, walked out and seperated yourself away from the crowd after you saw that Sana and Seth are about to take the turn next for their slow romantic dance on the center, which is precisely what you wished to do with her...but now it only can be possible in your dreams.
You went in front of the chapel, holding the wineglass full of red wine in your hands, and sat on one of the steps to drink.
After more than ten minutes of being alone, you weren't even aware that Sana just appeared beside you, holding her white gown to support her steps and prevent her from tripping, since she was worried that it might happen due to her clumsiness.
"YN!", she called your name,which completely took you aback as she gave you a mini heart attack at her jumpscare.
"S-Sana.", you mentioned her name while caressing your chest, still fresh from your surprised state.
"Bakit ka nandito?" (Why are you here?)
"Ah... wala, nagpapahangin lang.", (Ah, nothing. Just taking in some air.) that was only a half-lie.
"Tara, doon tayo sa loob.", (Come on, let's go inside.) she encouraged you. "Samahan mo kami sa table, nandoon sila Mama lahat ngayon." (Join us at the table, they are all there now.)
You didn't listened to her as you only stared at her hand offering to assist you from standing up.
Drinking the last shot of wine in the glass, you placed it carefully on the surface before standing up on your own, tempting Sana to lower down her free hand instead.
You looked straight at her with your exhausted and powerless glare as you prepared yourself from what you were about to do tonight, with only you and her could know this secret you've been hiding from her since you two were little.
"Sana."
"Hmm?"
"Congrats pala sa inyo ulit ni Seth.", (Congratulations again to you and Seth.) she smiled at your greeting. "Seryoso, masaya ako para sa inyo na kasal na kayong dalawa." (Seriously, I'm so happy for both of you that you two are now married.)
"Arigato, (Thanks) YN.", she said, grinning. "Grateful rin kami lalo na ako na... inaccept mo yung invitation." (We are also grateful especially me that... you accepted the invitation.)
"Sabi ko nga sayo diba sasamahan kita sa ganitong okasyon kasama ng lalaking para sayo balang araw.", (I told you that I will accompany you on this occasion with the man destined for you one day.) you blurted, snickering a bit that caused her to let out a chortle. "Ngayon na nandito na tayo, tinandaan ko talaga sa sarili ko na gawing totoo yun." (Now that we're here, I really kept it in mind to myself that I will make it true.)
"Ang supportive mo talaga, YN.", (You are so supportive, YN. she grabbed both your shoulders and playfully shook your body while saying it to you with her groaning tone of amusement at her bestfriend's kind-hearted attitude.
"Shinpaishinaide (Don't worry), dadalo rin ako sa kasal mo balang araw.", (I will also attend your wedding one day.) she chuckled, patting you in the chest. Thankfully, she didn't felt your unique rapid heartbeat only her could able to do that. "Kaya ikaw, maghanap kana kasi ng babaeng sa tingin mo ay para sayo." (So you, you should look for a girl who you think is right for you.)
"Nah. Hindi narin naman kailangan.", (Nah. It's not necessary.) you chuckled bitterly. "Hindi narin naman mangyayari yung kasal na gugustuhin ko.", (The wedding I want will never happen anyways.) you glanced at her, sadness starting to form in her your emotion.
"Bakit mo naman nasabi?" (Why can you say so?)
"Kasi yung babaeng minamahal ko, nauna na siya sakin.", (Because the woman I love, she has gone first before me already.) you smiled weakly and looked at her devastatingly.
"At nakatayo ako mismo sa harapan niya ngayon." (And I'm standing right in front of her now.)
"H-huh? YN?", she was puzzled, unable to comprehend what you were implying to convey.
You stepped closer towards her, roaming your eyes around her admirable face that charmed you no other women could ever do the same for you.
You stroke her long hair from behind, she remained staring directly at you monitoring your actions.
"Sana, di ko alam kung may sense paba yung mga susunod pang mga araw, buwan o taon para ilihim ko sayo to.", (I don't know if the next few days, months or years will make sense for me to keep this a secret from you.) you started your revelation as she continued listening on what you're trying to tell her.
That's why naisipang kong sabihin ko nalang sayo agad to and alam kong hindi sa tamang oras itong gagawin ngayon, but I just want to say it to you already so that I couldn't make myself suffer any longer and to let you know finally about this secret I've been keeping within me for years.
(That's why I decided to tell you right away and I know it's not the right time to do it now, but I just want to say it to you already so that I couldn't make myself suffer any longer and to let you know finally about this secret I've been keeping within me for years.)
Sana... masaya ako sa inyo ni Seth. Masaya ako na nakita kitang ikinasal na pero... masakit sakin dahil ikaw yung babae na gusto kong makasama sa ganitong sandali.", (Sana.. I'm happy for you and Seth. I'm happy to see you finally got married but... it hurts me because you're the woman I wanted to be with at this kind of moment.) your voice became shaky as body shivered from your emotions about to urge yourself to began crying in front of her.
You sniffed before and snorted some fresh night air before finally saying those three words to confess to her at long last.
"Sana, mahal kita." (Sana, I love you.)
Sana just stared at you, speechless for her longtime bestfriend who just admitted his true feelings he developed only because of her.
She swallowed some pride to speak in response for your confession although still dumbfounded that she just heard it loud and clear to the man she never thought would fall in love for her too.
"YN... s-seryoso ka?", (YN... you serious?) she asked you in a low tone. You nodded as an alternative way to say yes.
"Yup. I've been admiring you for way too long already. Simula pa noong buong childhood natin.", (Ever since our whole childhood.) you replied to her. She just sighed heavily and tilted her head in disbelief, gasping.
"Ewan ko rin ba, nagsimula lang naman lahat nang makakuha ako ng unang halik mo sa pisngi ko.", (I don't know, it all started when I got your first kiss on my cheek.) you pointed to your cheek where she did that to you many years ago.
"Nagagandahan narin ako sayo nun sobra pero doon ko lang narealize kung bakit ako nagkakaganon lagi pagdating sayo." (I always found you to be so beautiful but that's when I just realized why I always act like that when it comes to you.)
"Gusto kong umamin sayo dati pa kaso hindi ko magawa. I gave you so many signs pero hindi mo makita, yun pala naunahan na ako ni Seth nang hindi ko alam.", (I wanted to confess to you before but I couldn't. I gave you so many signs but you couldn't see, that's why Seth had preceded me without me knowing.) you clicked your tongue in disappointment for yourself. She lowered down her head in guilt as she discovered her own fault for destroying your hopes and dreams you want to share with her.
You looked above and saw the towering structure of the chapel standing highly in front of you two. A memory flashed in your mind and it got you sharing it to her too since she's part of it anyways.
"Naaalala mo ba yung nagsimba tayo dito parehas kasama parents natin noong bata pa tayo?", (Do you remember when we went to church here together with our parents when we were kids?) you asked to her. Sana just realized that both you and her were standing exactly to your favorite spot here in this place where you also first found and met her as the girl who dropped her ice cream when you were just a kid back then.
"Oo. Ayun yung unang beses na parehas lumabas magkasama family natin right?", (Yes. That's the first time our family went out together, right?) you nodded in response, she looked up at you; now both her eyes were cooperating with her lips whose forming a frown right now in pity for you.
"Sabay nating inamin parehas na gusto nating ikasal dito sa simbahan nato, katulad ng parents natin.", (We both admitted together that we wanted to get married here in our church, just like our parents.) you recalled what happened in that moment.
"Doon palang na alam kong may gusto na ako sayo nun, at ang nasa isip ko lamang nun ay ikaw lamang ang gugustuhin kong babaeng ikakasal sakin balang araw.", (That's when I knew I had a crush on you, and the only thing on my mind was that you were the only woman I would want to marry me one day.) you then proceeded to hold her hands. She looked at it and thought that it could've meant more also for her if she wasn't ignoring those signals you've been trying to send her for years.
"Pero sinira ko yung tadhana nayun na gusto ko, lalo na't hindi na ikaw ang aking makakasama.", (But I broke that destiny I desired of, especially since you are no longer the one I'll be with.).that words hurted you so much that it was enough for you to let go one single teardrop to flow down in your cheek.
Sana saw it and her heart clenched knowing she was the cause of that and never intended to give you that.
"Kaya deserve ko rin naman to. Pinili kong maging duwag at iskreto sayo ng matagal. Nagmukha pa akong nagtatangkang sirain yung pinakamasayang araw ng buhay mo dahil sa mali ko.", (So I deserve it too. I chose to be a coward and kept it a secret to you for a long time. I even looked like I tried to ruin the happiest day of your life because of my mistake.) you said, referring to your confession tonight at the same time her wedding just ended hours ago.
Your arm raised, hand placed on the side of her face as you started caressing it. Sana just shut her eyes down, feeling the bittersweet effect of your touch through every nerves cursing around her body as her own tears started to rush out from her.
"Alam kong wala na akong chance Sana, pero... hindi na siguro magbabago isip ko.", (I know I have no chance, Sana but... I might not change my mind.) you shrugged your shoulders as you continued admiring her elegant facial features.
You grasped both her hands tenderly and stared deeply at her.
"Ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin ko. Bahala na kung araw araw na akong masasaktan... (It's still you I will choose. It's up to me even if I get hurt every day...)
... ikaw pa rin ang hahanapin ko dahil Sana Minatozaki, (It's still you I'll find for because Sana Minatozaki,)
ikaw lamang ang aking dahilan, ang aking pahinga, ang aking sinta at ang tanging ninanais... (you are my only reason, my rest and the only one I want...
... kahit na hindi ka naman sakin papunta." (... even if you're not going for me.)
Sana quickly hugged you, trapping you to her comforting embrace which was effective for you to finally release the heavy burden you've been carrying for such a lengthy amount of years you spent secretly admiring her from a far.
Your lips quivered, breathing intensified, reflexes gone weak as you cried harder in her arms, Sana felt your whole body shake so she hurriedly calmed you down by rubbing your back gently.
"Parang napakasama kong kaibigan, YN. Hindi ko alam kung magagalit, malulungkot o madidismaya ako sa sarili ko. Patawarin moko, sobra.", (It seems like as if I am a very bad friend to you, YN. I don't know if I will be angry, sad or disappointed in myself. Forgive me, so much.) she begged as her voice began cracking due to her cries of empathy for her heartbroken bestfriend and admirer.
"Hindi ko naman sadyang maging bulag sa nararamdaman mo sakin at saktan ka ng napakatagal. Kung hindi lang ako din naging manhid, alam kong may pag-asa sana na... magustuhan rin kita." (I didn't mean to be blind to your feelings for me and hurt you for so long. If only I hadn't been so numb, I knew there was hope that... I would like you too.)
"Napakabuti mong tao, YN... hindi ako magdadalawang isip na makasama ka habambuhay... pero dahil sa ginawa ko, hindi ko to magagawa nang higit sa kaibigan ang turing ko sayo.", (You're such a good person, YN... I wouldn't hesitate to be with you forever... but because of what I did, I can't treat you more than a friend.) she kept on pleading to receive your forgiveness for her mistake but you interrupted her at the end of her words to take the turn to speak in your part.
"Wag mong sisihin ang sarili mo, Sana please. Hindi ko narin sisisihin ang sarili ko, wala narin tayong magagawa nandito na tayo.", (Don't blame yourself, Sana please. I won't blame myself neither, there's nothing we can do now since we're now here.) you told her. "Magiging masaya ka rin kay Seth, alam natin sa isat isa yan. Don't take this confession of mine and make yourself overthink about it too much to distract you from him, please." (You'll be happy with Seth too, we know that. Don't take this confession of mine and make yourself overthink about it too much to distract you from him, please.)
"Siguro nga, mas magiging higit pa yung pagmamahal niya kaysa sakin", (Maybe, his love will be more than mine.) you confidently said, since you knew that Seth is still quite the example of what a husband material should be.
"Kaya huwag ka magalala sakin, Sana. Basta tandaan mo lang na nandito parin ako lagi para sayo whenever you need help." (So don't worry about me, Sana. Just remember that I'm always here for you whenever you need help...)
"I will stay and remain here always as one of the most special person and the one and only first bestfriend you had in your whole life.", you assured her.
You released yourself from the hug. Pursing your head forward, you kissed her forehead with pure tender.
Sana knows that it was your usual symbolization to signify a perfect heartwarming message you created during your young days with her, so she smiled at your nostalgic act.
"My special kind of love and care will always kept reserved only for you.", you said, repeating the meaning behind that sweet gesture you did aside from using it as a way to express your respect for her as a woman like she is.
"Thank you sa closure, Sana. Makakahinga narin ako ng maluwag.", (Thank you for the closure, Sana. I can finally breathe in relief.) you chuckled as you started to wipe away the tears that might ruin her make up even more.
"Thank you rin for finally deciding to open up your true feelings for me, YN.", she formed a smile again, tapping your chest where it contains the source you used to pour out your words of affirming your admiration towards her.
You nodded your head before sharing a wide smile, this time it was sincere and unforced for the first time. It was such a relief you thought that you were able to finally let Sana know about it although the result you were orginally expecting to receive was gone already.
"Tara na, masyado na tayong nagtagal dito.", (Come on, we've spent too much time here.) you said, breaking the topic and returning the good vibes to make yourselves continue to enjoy the night.
Both of you chuckled as Sana also can't deny the truth that because of your confession, she had to stay with you alone longer just to hear what you wanted to say for her. "Inaantay na ata nila tayo." (They're probably waiting for us.)
You presented your hand for her to freely take it without hesitation. "Motto hayaku soko ni ikimashou! (Lets go there faster!)", she exclaimed.
Grabbing your hand along to hers, you reached for your empty wineglass before she pulled you with her as both ran back to the venue where the visitors are still celebrating.
---------- END ----------
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ABOUT
Full Name: Olivia Way Angel O’Connor
Date of Birth: November 6th, 1997
Age: 25
Gender: Cisfemale
Pronouns: She/Her
Birthplace: Chicago, Illinois
Religion: Atheist
Occupation: Bartender at Restricted Access Cabaret
How long as she been in Bradford Springs: On and off eleven years
Where does she live?: In Southside with her half-brother Finn O’Connor
WANTED CONNECTIONS | STATS
BIO
TW: death, abuse, drug mention, overdose mention
Diana Way never wanted to be a mother. She knew it before and after the distinct, ill-fated twin lines appeared on the cheap tests she’d picked up from the drugstore. Knew she should’ve put an end to it when the offer was still reasonably on the table, before it was too late. It was a mistake, she’d realized, to tell her mother she was expecting. The woman begged her daughter to make her a grandmother. Looking down at the baby girl in her arms, trapped in a hospital room with her mother by her side and the father of the child nowhere in sight, Diana knew her first instinct was right.
Olivia Way entered into the world on November 6th, 1998, a chilly, autumn day in Chicago, and Diana felt none of the things a mother should. No love, only a vague sense of resentment. It was a resentment that built the very foundation of the relationship she’d have with her daughter. Olivia, however, never noticed the lack of her mother’s affections. Whatever love Diana couldn’t give, Grandma Lottie gave it in abundance. While Diana kept Olivia at arms length, running out the door and widening the distance as often as she could, it was Lottie who nurtured the growing girl, who showed her love and how to love in return.
Because the warmth casted by her grandmother was enough to fill the voids in her little life, a father became a foreign concept. Olivia never thought to inquire about him or the reasons why she didn’t have one, not that she would. She was young, too young, to know the ways in which children were brought into the world. Mommy and Grandma Lottie were the only family she knew, but then one day it happened. Diana and Olivia were walking out of the grocery store when he was walking in. He stared at Diana first, his eyes trailing down to Olivia before looking back up at the mother again. The woman’s gaze was steadfast on him, the natural scowl on his face deepening as he passed them by. “Who’s that?” Olivia asked, looking up at her mother as they crossed into the parking lot. “Your father,” Diana said plainly.
Her father.
Olivia couldn’t wait to tell Grandma Lottie she had one of those. He looked a lot different from them, she’d tell her. Actually, he looked more like their neighbor Ms. Carol, who had blonde hair and blue eyes. Also, she’d tell her how scary he looked. But the moment she opened her mouth and made the slightest mention of seeing her dad for the first time, Lottie’s demeanor changed. With a frighteningly stern, “You hush, now. Never bring him up again,” Olivia went quiet, nodded, tied it together with a yes ma’am, and cried.
They’d never talk about him again. A few months after her fifth birthday, Olivia was playing in the living room when her mother came home. “Where’s grandma?” Diana asked, and Olivia pointed in the direction of Lottie’s bedroom. Diana headed towards the back, but not before chastising her daughter for not opening her mouth and using her words. A few short seconds later and their lives changed forever. The scream that shattered the sense of security in the home was unlike anything Olivia had heard before. It was piercingly loud and devastatingly heartbroken, the kind of scream that comes from every corner of the body and soul.
It was a stroke that killed Lottie Way. She’d been dead for just over an hour. Olivia thought she’d been sleeping.
The sole responsibility of Olivia fell on Diana. The new transition into a different sort of motherhood proved to be more difficult than when she’d first given birth. And in time, Diana grew meaner, her patience somehow even thinner. Without Lottie, Olivia was left to face the full force of her mother’s indifference alone without a safe haven to turn to. More than anything, she missed her grandmother, often wondering when she would come back until one day she realized she never would.
“What’s my dad like?” Olivia asked out of the blue one day. She would’ve sworn her mother hadn’t heard her if it weren’t for the way the unprompted statement made her pause, even if only for a second. Silence lingered too long, and Olivia knew better than to ask the same thing twice. The hopefulness she felt thinking there might be an answer nearly faded before Diana turned and looked at her. “Do you want to meet him?”
Two days later, Olivia stood excitedly on the doorstep of the unfamiliar home, wearing a backpack that nearly swallowed her with her little suitcase by her side. Diana pounded on the door, turned to her daughter, and promised she’d be right back. There was something she needed to get from the car. By the time the door opened, Olivia turned as the engine came to life and wheels screeched on pavement, watching as her mother drove away. “The fuck do you want?” The stranger at the door pulled her attention back to him. “My dad lives here,” The five year old said, trying to keep her nervous heart steady.
Patrick O’Connor was a powerful man, and Diana was just another woman who’d gotten caught up in his mess – who got tossed to the side, like the others, when he was done with her. And she’d thrown her daughter right into the lion’s den.
But more than powerful, he was downright evil-spirited. The O’Connor household made the word hostile seem polite, and even on the best of days, it made Diana look like the best mother to ever walk the earth. In her new home, crime was normal, expected. Suddenly, she had siblings, half-siblings who resembled her none but looked out for her nonetheless. An obvious bastard child, still, who stuck out like a sore thumb. The childish thrill that ran through her at the sound of her dad’s Irish accent died almost immediately upon the swiftness of his harsh words. Nothing, however, was harsher than the weight of his fists. One of her saving graces was the fact that Olivia was a girl, and the beatings had been reserved for her brothers. Don’t hit women. It was one of the O’Connor rules, followed by: don’t talk to cops, don’t ask stupid questions, protect the family, and do whatever father says.
Her other saving grace was Finn.
Out of the other kids, she’d been drawn to him, found comfort and solace in him. By no means was he a sweet boy. He was a hell-raiser like the rest of them, and nine years her senior, but he made her feel the most safe in a time when she needed it most. But time progressed, and eventually, she didn’t need his safety net. Olivia had been indoctrinated, because after all, she too had O’Connor blood coursing through her veins. She barely flinched at the things she saw, at the things she heard. Hatred touched her heart too soon, but she knew better than to ever disrespect her father.
By the time she reached seven, the only life she’d come to know shifted again. One day she was home, and the next? She was being taken away by Child Protective Services and placed into foster care along with her siblings. Why? Patrick O’Connor had been arrested for reasons she was still too young to quite understand. This was merely one of the consequences, something meant to save them from their unsuitable home. In saving them, the system’s lack of resources split the siblings up. Fortunately, Olivia had been put into a home with Finn.
And as it turns out, some of the least desirable homes were far better than the environment they’d been brought up in, and it wasn’t even close. Sometimes they would stay at a place for weeks, sometimes even months, until a year of being wrapped up in the system subtly passed. Finn was getting closer to turning 18, just a year shy of it, but when that day came, he’d get her out of there. That was their agreement. That was the promise, but it was a promise that would be delayed.
Her foster parents got the call first, and reluctantly, they gave the phone to Olivia. Immediately, she knew something was wrong. Immediately, somehow, she knew it was Finn. With a tentative hello, she was met with an I’m so sorry so sincere it scared her. Shortly after, Finn was sentenced to five years in prison.
It was the second time, the first since her grandma died, that she felt her heart break. She acted out the way hurt kids did, moving from family to family more in a few months than she had in the entire first year. Each time Olivia found herself in a new home, she sent Finn a letter with her updated address so he knew where to find her. But it wasn’t the same. She wanted her brother back. The letters, the phone calls, and the occasional visits weren’t enough. The world grew lonelier and significantly colder without him. It was their dad’s fault, she decided, choosing to let her resentment fester and blossom into full blown loathing. She was glad Finn almost killed their dad, Olivia had told her case worker. She’d just wished he’d succeed and gotten away with it. Later, she’d be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
“I can give you something for that.” Gabe was her latest foster brother, a high school boy who’d been in the system even longer than she had. Olivia, twelve years old now and counting down the days until Finn’s release, was intrigued in whatever he had to offer. He pulled out what looked like a half eaten brownie. She ate it, too much of it she’d realize. After a panic attack that should’ve put the fear of God into her came the best feeling she’d ever felt in her entire life, and she fell in love with it. It was a feeling she’d spend the rest of her life chasing if she had to.
Pot brownies turned into smoking blunts turned into taking pills she didn’t know the names of, nor did she really care to learn. Not when they worked the way they did, making her feel the way they did. So much so, Olivia even thought she might actually miss Gabe when Finn’s sentence ended. When the day came, she didn’t even think twice about her foster brother. She’d worked out a plan with Finn. As soon as he got out of jail and the coast was clear, he was coming to get her. She threw some clothes and a few necessities into her backpack, even finding Gabe’s stash in his room and shoving it into the bottom of her bag. All the while, she smiled. She was getting her brother back. The moment he pulled up, she was ready.
Angel O’Connor would be her new name. She’s chosen it herself. No real significance. There was an angel on a passing billboard when it was decided she needed a new identity, and O’Connor was a given. They were headed for Bradford Springs, a town about an hour outside of Denver. No one would even think to look for them there. It would be perfect, a chance for them to start anew.
Then again, the fresh start was easier said than done. If middle school was bad, then high school was an impossible hell. Angel was a problem, and she knew she was a problem. Prided herself on it, even. The behavioral issues didn’t disappear upon crossing the state line into Colorado. In fact, they worsened with age, along with her affinity for drugs. By the time Finn could get a full scope of the situation, it was too late. They fought a lot, despite how much she loved him. She challenged him, pushed back, pressed his buttons, because what the hell did a twenty something year old know about raising a teenage girl? He was just as fucked up as she was, if not more, and barely an adult. Why did she have to listen to him?
But she did listen to him, sometimes, even if she didn’t want to admit it. Finish high school. That’s the promise Angel made to Finn, something he didn’t get to do – not the way he should’ve anyway. And though she barely passed, and though she showed up to graduation too hungover for her age, she walked across the stage in her cap and gown and got the diploma.
After that, Angel began disappearing for weeks and months at a time. She’d up and go with no real plan, seeing wherever life decided to take her. She fell in love with the quiet roar of the ocean in California. She found herself in New York, in awe that the saying was true. It really was the city that never sleeps. She did some unspeakable things for her first taste of cocaine in Texas. And every now and then, when he crossed her mind, she’d call Finn and let him know she was still alive. In the times in between when she’d find herself back in Bradford Springs, she’d be a little thinner, a little more tired, a lot more covered in stick n poke tattoos she collected like souvenirs, but she’d always be happy to see her big brother.
And then she woke up, 22 years old, in a hospital bed in New Mexico with no recollection of how she’d gotten there. She blinked a few times, eyes adjusting to the sterile light. She finally saw him, Finn, sitting in the corner of the room. Without having to say a word, Angel knew. She knew. Her friend made the call, back when she was unsure if the overdose would kill Angel or not. Clearly, it hadn’t, but seeing the tired disappointment on Finn’s face, she wished it had.
When he dragged her back to Bradford Springs, she didn’t fuss or fight. Angel surrendered peacefully, albeit defeatedly. However, she wanted one thing to be clear. She wasn’t getting clean, had no intention to, and felt no need to lie to Finn about it. She would, on the other hand, be more careful. It’s been almost two years since then, almost two years since she’s been back in town permanently. Working as a bartender at Restricted Access Cabaret, ironically, is the easiest and safest bet, because at least there, someone can keep an eye on her and report back to her brother if need be. But she doesn’t need it. She’s being good, or at least she’s trying.
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