#MMKYRC

[ayellowcurtain]

Make me know you really care

could you write something about Robbe and Sander breaking up during college or something and running into each other on a train four years later and they’re both in relationships and decide to go on a double date (because they’re all mature and adult now). And both of their significant others are oblivious to how awkward it all is and Robbe gets overwhelmed and goes to the bathroom and Sander follows him and Robbe is clearly upset. Insert all the angst with a happy ending

-

Robbe looks up again in a reflex, certain he wouldn’t get mistaken, not with this but he’s caught staring instantly. It is Sander sitting on the other end of the empty subway train.

It’s late, and Robbe wasn’t even thinking about him, it hasn’t happened in a while. He was just trying to get home after another fight with his boyfriend, funny enough. He was glad he had to wait for the next train for ten minutes, he walked from one end to the other of his platform and nobody was there, he got inside an empty subway and his plan was to sit down and not think during his ride home, looking out the window, seeing most of the lights in every building already off.

His music is still playing on his headphones, wrapped around his neck but he pauses, watching the same old docs walk up to him, sitting on the seat right in front of his.

“This is awkward.” Sander smiles awkwardly, pulling his bag out of his shoulder to put it on the empty seat next to him.

“Yeah, it is.” Robbe sighs, trying not to overthink his heart beating faster all of a sudden.

“Hi, Robbe. How are you?”

He watches as Sander smiles properly, putting his hands inside his pockets. He’s not wearing his usual jacket. This one Robbe doesn’t recognize, a dark grey one, one of those bomber jackets, too big for him, the stitching that should be on his shoulders falling around his biceps. He looks ridiculously cute in it.

“I’m good, tired. You?”

Sander nods his head, looking around them like there’s anything else happening inside an empty, last-one-of-the-night subway, cutting the city from south to north.

“I’m good too. Happy to see you. It's been what? Three years?” Robbe looks at him and Sander snorts. They both know it hasn’t been that long and Robbe is sure that, just like himself, Sander knows the exact date.

Two years and a month. It was Robbe’s birthday and he was at a bar with everyone and Jens ran into Sander when he was coming back from the bathroom. Sander told Jens he was busy so he left without saying hi to Robbe or anyone.

“You were avoiding me.”

Sander shakes his head like it’s that but not exactly.

“I didn’t know what I could tell you. Happy birthday? And leave like a stranger? That would feel awkward. And everyone would stare and comment all night long. Didn’t want to ruin your birthday, cutie.”

Robbe knows that there’s more to it but it would be weird, yes, and probably a bad idea anyway. Robbe remembers that night like one of many where he was supposed to just go out with his friends, get drunk and have a good time. And how it always turned into him crying on someone’s shoulder, asking why he and Sander didn’t make it work through college.

“You are a stranger, we haven’t seen or talked to each other in over two years. And don’t call me that…”

Sander looks deep inside his eyes and Robbe struggles to keep his gaze and to keep himself still even. It’s stupid how much power Sander still has over him.

“Sorry.”

“Okay.”

“Old habits die hard.”

Robbe nods his head, looking behind him at the city still rushing behind the extremely dirty glass. He should have stayed at his boyfriend’s place. Or somewhere closer to the city. This ride is way too long to share with Sander and nobody else there to keep them from talking to each other.

“Do you call your girlfriend cutie?” He teases, and Sander huffs a laugh, lifting his eyebrows.

“No way. Just you.” It makes sense, Robbe thinks, recycling nicknames sounds wrong in every way, “How do you know I have a girlfriend?”

“Instagram.”

“Didn’t know you still followed me.” Robbe swallows hard, his turn to just stare and not say a word because there’s no excuse. He doesn’t follow Sander because it would be too hard not to watch his stories, not to engage in any way, not to drunk text him...

“It’s okay. I stalk you too. Max, huh? Sounds like a cliche name.”

“You stalk me better than I stalk you. I don’t know your girlfriend’s name…”

“Do you want to know?”

“No way.” Robbe whispers, not as cool or confident as Sander was with it.

“Okay.” He nods his head and Robbe lets himself stare too since Sander won’t even blink, always looking at him. His hair looks so soft, as long as Robbe remembers Sander letting it grow. He’ll have a haircut soon, if he’s still the same. It annoys me when it starts to itch my eyebrows, he used to tell Robbe as an explanation as to why he was getting his haircut when Robbe loved it when it got a little longer like it is now.

His pants are still black, still short for his long legs, ending in the middle of his shins, exposing his white socks and his old docs. The different style of jacket is realling throwing Robbe off.

“Was she the one to give you the jacket?”

Sander nods his head. Of course it was. Now he looks like a cute boy, not the cool David Bowie magical creature Robbe used to date.

“You look younger with it. And like, harmless.”

“Am I not harmless, Robin?”

You’re so far from harmless. You and I know that. That’s why we keep our distance. You’re temptation in the form of a beautiful man.

“You are.”

A long moment passes by, and Robbe looks away again, his eyes unable to not stare so he looks up again, and Sander says out of nowhere.

“Let’s go on a date.”

Robbe frowns, “What?!”

“Let’s go on a date. You, me, Max and the girlfriend.”

Robbe bites his cheek not to ask if Sander is jealous, based on the way he says Max’s name like it annoys acknowledging he exists.

Going on a double date is always a struggle for Robbe. He feels out of place even when he’s hanging out with Senne and Zoe. After every double date, even the ones with Milan’s one night stands, Robbe is left wondering if he should really be dating anyone right now. Because looking at other couples or hookups, Robbe doesn’t see the same level of affection or attention or just arousal that everyone else has when it’s between him and Max. He can’t say that to anyone, he doesn’t allow himself to say it even when he’s alone but he knows he doesn’t feel enough, not as much as he should when he’s dating someone.

Zoe and Senne, Amber and Aaron, they are all over each other still, after years and years of dating. And Robbe never felt this way with Max. And he knows he’s able to feel that way because he used to feel it back in the day.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Sander asks surprised and Robbe sighs.

“Yes. But just for dinner. We’ll leave before dessert and you won’t be all ‘No! Stay for dessert, it’s so early!’” Sander lifts his eyebrows, snorting with Robbe’s poor attempt to mimic his voice.

“Is that how you think I sound?”

“That is how you sound.”

“Fuck you.”

Can’t do.

#wtfock #robbe ijzermans #sander driesen #robbe x sander #sobbe #MMKYRC

[ayellowcurtain]

Make me know you really care

Part 1

He could pick the other chair to sit on but Sander pulls that one chair and sits in front of Robbe. The rectangular table is not very big or wide, their knees are an inch or two away from each other so Robbe makes sure to sit as straight as he can, keeping as much distance between them as possible under the table.

Sander sits as relaxed as he normally would but by the way he keeps stealing quick glances at Robbe he can tell this is not as comfortable for him as he makes it to be with his posture and easy conversation with Max, and his girlfriend, Ava.

Robbe tries to make appropriate comments here and there but he can’t bring himself to relax completely. This is so extremely awkward for him. It doesn’t connect in his head how this could be a nice evening. It makes him too aware of how little he actually cares for Max at his core and how shaken he still is just by sharing a table with Sander and his new girlfriend. She’s astonishing and beautiful and nice and it hurts him.

Of course there’s a starters menu first, Robbe thinks as he flips the pages and pages of salads or chips and bread they can order. He decides for a small salad and slams his menu close a little too hard. Sander looks at him, lifting his eyebrows and Robbe looks down, sighing and giving his menu back once the waitress comes to pick their orders.

“Are you sure you want that one, cutie? This one is basically the same but it has more things, peanut and some bread, I think…” Max shows Robbe his menu like he hadn’t just seen it too.

“He’s allergic.” Sander says at the same time as Robbe shakes his head, and Max looks at him. Sander opens his eyes wide, drinking his beer, looking from Robbe to Max, “No?”

“I am…”

Sander nods his head like he knew he was right, grabbing his beer to take an extra sip. Max closes his menu carefully, whispering sorry like he knows he should remember that by now. Robbe drinks almost his whole glass of cold water to see if it can help with his discomfort. His phone vibrates with a new message and Robbe slips it out of his pocket, happy to keep himself busy with anyone else that might be texting him.

He regrets lifting his phone to answer properly the second he sees it’s a message from Sander. Max is too busy talking to Ava and Sander so he turns the brightness of the screen to the minimum, his eyes glancing at Sander’s hand so carelessly still holding his phone on the table.

To Robbe: so he calls you cutie too

To Sander: he doesn’t. Please stop texting me.

Robbe swallows the lump growing nonstop in his throat. It was a mistake coming to this but there’s no easy way out of it either. He doesn’t want to make Max even more curious than he already is about his past relationship with Sander. He said they were fine, that it was over so he has to stick to his lie now.

To Robbe: he’s an ass

Robbe doesn’t reply, just puts his phone back inside his pocket and smiles to the waitress when they bring his stupid salad.

He eats it slowly to use it as an excuse not to get too involved in whatever conversation they’re happily having nonstop, going from one subject to the next with no awkward silence. Robbe keeps his eyes down, staring at his salad because he can feel Sander is staring whenever nobody else is looking and he’s sure Sander knows Robbe is not happy to be here.

It’s stupid and not his place but he wants to look at Sander, and ask what was his intention with this. Robbe can see he is happy, dating someone that doesn’t even look from this world, that’s how beautiful and nice she is. Sander is dating someone seriously again! So serious that he feels like Robbe had to meet her. Like Sander needs his approval or something.

“Do you already have plans for the wedding?” He spits out, and he knows he shouldn’t go there. They were carelessly talking about their last trip, not even mentioning the possibility of a marriage but Robbe’s impulsivity had to ask.

Sander adjusts himself on his chair, clenching his jaw but Robbe focuses on Ava, laughing awkwardly and looking from him to Sander.

“N-no...I’m not sure if we’re that type of people.” She looks from him to Max like she thinks she just hurt their feelings. “Not that I don’t believe in marriage! It’s just...maybe not for us.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Max laughs, shaking his head like he can say for both of them. Sander is still staring and Robbe finishes his salad, not making any more comments. It doesn’t take too long for the others to finish their entrances and ask for another round of beers. Robbe will drink one this time too, needing something to properly distract himself.

After his comment Sander doesn’t come back to the easy going mood from earlier. He’s still talking, a lot more than Robbe is doing already, but he’s bothered and Robbe is happy he’s not the only one feeling that way anymore. They’re talking and drinking their beers when Max asks for the menus again so they can check what they’ll eat. Sander slips closer to his girlfriend, she’s saying how she’s not very hungry, checking if Sander can share something with her.

Robbe grabs his beer and gets up without bothering to tell anyone what’s going on. He just needs a second away from them, from Sander.

Wishing he was happy, no matter with who, was a lot different when it was just words and not happening in front of Robbe, while sharing a salad with him and his own boyfriend. He feels stupid for ever thinking he could feel the way he felt with Sander with anyone else and he hates that he came to that realization only now when all this mess is happening right in front of him for anyone to notice.

He rushes inside the bathroom, leaving his beer on the sink, almost dropping it and making a mess, and he walks all the way to the back, making sure all the doors are really open and he’s alone but it doesn’t last a second, the second he turns on his heels once he’s facing the back wall, he meets Sander getting inside too, clearly coming after him and Robbe hates how he was the one to notice how bad the stupid double date was going.

“This was a shitty idea.” Sander nods his head, coming closer and Robbe walks past him to avoid getting them in more trouble than they already are.

“I’m sorry. I should have known.”

Robbe keeps walking in circles, not even sure what he’s looking for, what’s the best way out of this horror night. There’s no way it won’t look suspicious, no matter how well both of them manage to plan a way to end this date early. Robbe won’t sit back down around that table not even for a second.

“Robbe,” Sander holds his arm gently, “stop walking, you’re making me dizzy.”

Robbe stops walking but he’s still confused, wanting to cry, to just leave without having to explain why. He should have been brave enough to say no when he had the chance, when he and Sander were alone inside the train, acting like they could be friends. He hears Sander’s sigh echoing inside the empty bathroom and he looks at him. He doesn’t look happy either but he’s definitely not as worried as Robbe is.

“Let’s get out of here.”

Robbe frowns, unsure if what he just heard was really said, “W-What?”

“Let’s go somewhere else, you and me. This is a fucking disaster.” Sander whispers and takes a big step forward, standing right in front of Robbe, almost hovering over him and Robbe feels even more dizzy. Sander is acting like the Sander he used to know and date and be madly in love with, never afraid to come close, to whine, expecting Robbe to say yes to anything because he would back in the day. But this sounds absurd. And tempting, too good to be true.

“Sander, I'm not about to leave my boyfriend to escape a bad date with you! What would we do after? Say ‘sorry, I just had to run away with my ex’?”

“Who cares about after, Robin? They’ll talk shit about us to their friends, how we broke their hearts or whatever anyway. We’re always a villain to other people’s stories, and that’s that.”

Robbe shakes his head, back to walking around but unable to not think about it. Walking away with Sander to see if he can think more clearly then. Thinking about the possibility that’s been offered to just say fuck it, fuck everyone else, just kissing him because that’s all Robbe has been really able to think about since they ran into each other on the train days ago.

“Do you think your love for him is temporary?” Sander asks in that very Sander way, with the big eyes, the shiny lips and soft tone of someone that knows that only they would be able to ask this to someone out loud with no second thought or fear of hurting others with his honesty. Robbe can’t believe him.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Sander? Since when love is fucking temporary?”

“Since you, for me. Everyone else is temporary. Before and after you.” He says matter-of-factly and Robbe is back to being intrigued by how brutally honest he can be and how he’s not affected by it, still acting like he didn’t just say, in a way or another, that he loves Robbe when his girlfriend is waiting for them at the dinner table a couple of meters away.

Robbe swallows down his feelings and his tears and his anger, bubbling all the way to his throat, about to call Sander every bad word he can remember. He can’t just come and go whenever he feels like it.

“I’m not doing this again.”

“Doing what?” Sander drops his arms, letting them slap against the sides of his body in frustration.

“I asked you to choose me once. To choose me or leave me alone.”

“You wanted to get married, Robbe.”

“So fucking what, Sander?”

Suddenly, Robbe sees himself screaming without meaning to but he’s too tired to care to be nice. “Life doesn’t have a manual! People are allowed to marry if they are young and feel like it! You didn’t and that wasn’t an option for me anymore.”

“You’re still single.” Sander states just above a whisper, with his big eyes of someone that’s for once aware what he’s saying might not be what the other person wants to hear. Robbe clenches his jaw, thinking about walking away and not looking back. Sander doesn’t have the right to say things like that. Robbe never made fun of his stupid goals in life.

“I wanted stability. To be with you forever, to have a functioning family for once. You kept saying it and when I put it as a real offer, you said we were too young.”

Sander steps back, frowning.

“Is this what this anger towards me is all about? Is this the way of fixing us, of getting you back? Then let’s get married, Robbe, right now. I’ll marry you if that’s what the problem is.”

Robbe is taken back because he never thought he would have the chance of Sander saying something that resembles a yes to him. He imagined Sander marrying someone else when he would be around his forties for so long that it doesn't sound real that he would marry Robbe. Even if he doesn’t mean his words. Robbe has a moment to collect his thoughts, calming his breaths.

“That’s what our break up was about, yes. But years have passed, you have a girlfriend, life is very different now. You wanted me back then so I thought it would be an easy yes. Is not as easy now. I’m not getting married tonight.”

Sander nods his head, walking around a little bit like he’s the one in need to collect his thoughts this time. He leans against the thin wall separating the stalls, his hands behind his back to give him more support, his head down, only looking at Robbe when he starts talking again.

“I can wait. We can leave tonight, and I don’t know what you’re going to do...but I’ll marry you. I love you. I would marry you tonight but I can wait until you’re ready to do it too.”

It's surreal to be talking about marrying someone when Robbe is still very aware his boyfriend is outside. He might not love him as he pretended to love until five minutes ago but he feels like he should be feeling more guilty about it because he’s not. He can only focus on what Sander is saying. He wouldn’t be making a joke about this subject, not after being the reason why they broke up in the first place, and not after his reaction with the matter when Robbe mentioned it at the table.

“I have to go. Tell them I wasn’t feeling good or something, anything.” Robbe walks back until he hits the door, pushing it open with both his hands, walking against the wall so he’s not seen by the others, almost running out of the restaurant.

There’s no way he’ll go home, he needs some time to himself, to digest this whole week of anticipation, of mental preparation for tonight and it ending so abruptly, with Sander saying their love is not temporary like the others.

He can’t go home because if Sander for once does as he’s told, it won’t be long until Max is at his door, probably bringing him some leftovers to check how he’s feeling and Robbe doesn’t have it in him to pretend to be sick, to act like he didn’t hear Sander saying he loves Robbe still. It would be too mean of him to do that to himself but especially to someone else that has nothing to do with this.

His best option is the flat. Robbe is sure Milan would cover for him if Robbe needed him to. He’s still not sure but he can’t see anybody tonight. And Milan will understand that too.

Thankfully he still has the keys that Zoe gave him when she moved out.

Milan was eating dinner with them that night too and he didn’t have a problem with Robbe having the spare keys to his flat.

He’ll get inside quick and quietly and Milan won’t even see him. Tomorrow Robbe will be rested, will lots of hours of thinking behind him to word it to someone what happened, ask for advice, for what the fuck should he do now. Because he can’t ignore what he heard Sander say. He can’t ignore the tension, and the quiet looks they took of each other when nobody else was looking.

Robbe sighs, cleaning his tears with the palms of his hand, breathing in and out for a minute before grabbing the key he carefully keeps inside his wallet so he won’t miss it. It’s a chilly night, it makes it feel like the air is crispier, cleaner, filling his lungs over and over again with a little more ease to his heart every time.

It’s not too late but Robbe unlocks the door carefully anyway, pretty sure Milan is out partying somewhere still. He doesn’t plan on staying for breakfast so he goes straight to his old bedroom, locking the door so as not to risk Milan and his one night stand opening the wrong door. He carefully toes his sneakers off and drags himself to bed, falling on it carelessly, not worrying about moving anywhere else.

His phone was buzzing a million times on his walk home so he stretches his arm to grab it inside his pocket.

He ignores Sander’s messages for now, opening his conversation with his boyfriend.

He thinks to himself that he should sleep on his decision and leave this for tomorrow, but he records an audio anyway because deep down, he knows it won’t matter. Now or ten hours from now. We will always be villains in other people’s stories.

“Hi...I’m sorry for leaving suddenly. I wasn’t feeling good and I just needed to get out. I’m so extremely sorry for doing this like this, over a stupid phone but I don’t think it’s fair...to keep this going if I know I don’t feel as I should. I don’t like you as I should, as a boyfriend should, I guess. I’m sorry.”

Robbe stops recording before he can sound even worse than breaking up over a recorded audio makes him be. He closes his jacket and pulls the hood to cover most of his head, only leaving enough out for him to breathe comfortably through the night.

#wtfock #robbe ijzermans #sander driesen #sobbe #robbe x sander #MMKYRC