#MENTALLY I AM SEVERELY UNWELL

[perihelions-crew]

as a writer i believe in show don’t tell. that’s why for this weeks nona release, i have elected to prove that i am insane instead of just saying it

#locked tomb #nona the ninth #this post brought to you by how severely mentally unwell i am

[mx-typewriter]

Do y'all ever just wanna start sobbing for no discernible reason?

#red says things #help #i dont know if you can tell but i am severely mentally unwell

[warcrimecryptid]

I want to eat one of the old, rubbery bouncy balls so bad. The ones that were colorful and had a matte finish? That shit would smack.

These are the ones 👹 I just wanna feel that crunchy, squeaky cue ball slide down my gullet!!!

#i am the low standard #it be me #mentally unhinged #im severely unwell #bouncy balls #crunchy #matte #things that aren’t food #meme

[wabblebees]

never never never in my life gonna be able to beat the weirdo theatre nerd allegations. its midnight and for the last few hours ive been (voluntarily of my own free will At No-One's Behest) doing some character research for the show we're working on (which at a certain level is Absolutely Necessary!! but at *this* level is Absolutely Not. lmfao)(and so... ik for a fact if i mention this in rehearsal tomorrow im gonna get a whole lotta blank stares ((or TERRIFIED looks from the freshmen wondering if they should be doing this much work lmao))

but anyway so about 10 minutes ago i found a fucking essay (just 9 pages out of this philological collection from the 60s) that just the idea behind the Very Simple title made me so excited i had to stand up at my desk to start reading it and fully forgot to sit back down until i realized i wanted to start TAKING NOTES..... WHICH I GENERALLY HATE DOING WHILE READING........ BUT IM TOO EXCITED AND DONT WANNA FORGET ANY OF IT.................. SO IM TAKING FUCKING NOTES

but anyway beyond tHAT the thing that actually made me pause to start typing this post though is the fact that just now, four pages in, this essay finally put something into place that ive been puzzling over in my head since i very first read the play which... made me happystim so hard i almost knocked myself out of my fucking chair. hdkdgsjfkfhdgskdgwrdjfk.

so yeah. never beating the nerd allegations. lmao

#''IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO TIE THE PLAY DOWN TO ANY PARTICULAR CONTEMPORARY SITUATION'' ITS A THOUGHT EXPERIMENT ITS A THOUGHT EXPERIMENT #OF COURSE IT IS. IM JUST OBLIVIOUS. BUT. GWRRGDJDGRFDJKFRWRDGWRGDJSHKFRK IM GONNA EAT MY FUCKEN SCRIPT #ahem. hm. pardon. #its just my brain is full of lightning atm you see. because i am unwell about poetry and theatre and philosophy and this is. OUUGHHH #its like the universe decided that since this week was so weird and uncomfortable i deserved little a treat #and gave me smth to growling shake around in my head for the next several days like a fucking mental chew toy #we've been talking a lot in rehearsal about why this play why now why this version which is always important and great to do #but some of the things people have said made me internally go ''mmmmm. no. no i dont think thats correct but i cant decide why exactly'' #& its bc theyre taking it as its supposed to be literal but !! these characters arent necessarily supposed to each be recognizable people !! #theyre here to QUESTION A THEORY #''THE GODS ARE NOT ON ANTIGONE'S SIDE. IS ANTIGONE (EXCEPT ACCIDENTALLY) ON THE GODS' SIDE?'' #IM GONNA EXPLODE #anyway um . #thanks for coming to my ted talk lmao #ive literally been pacing as i type this bc im so . OURGHH. THEMES THEMES THEMES THEMES THEMES. GRRWAAUGHH. #kreon tag #<-*slaps the roof of him* oh i am gonna fit so many character choices into this bad boy #.......... #i um . may be avoiding my homework #oops. #bee speaks

[doggogills]

i really need to draw Mable more often i love her

#art #drawing #my art #digital art #oc #sketch #digital drawing #fanart #ferrough tag #omams #i am #incredibly high #most of this was done this way #we’ll see how i feel about it tomorrow lmao #i am also severely mentally unwell #lmao

[theslitherer]

went outside for the first time in many many days bc of the deprasion photo dump :] do u see rhe moon in that city pic?

#showering…? working on it. #got myself some fancy soaps. in the mail. as a treat #to get excited abt it. #there is no mental illness in this bodg #to be clear i mean i just havent properly showered i kust stand under the water latelty like a slug. oh why am i trying #to justify myself its my blog diary and ive been severely unwell #op

[witchsickness]

why is she (michelle paver) doing this (dark matter) to me

#i am so. severely unwell #discovering new depths in my denial tanks with every new chapter like i know. i know how it goes. and yet #‘gus had almost noticed before i’d realised myself’ are you. are you kidding me. is my mental health a joke to you. #dark matter

[str4nded-1n-th3-r4in]

ignore all the run on sentences and everything this was just brain garbage

this is a huge personal vent… if you don’t want to read it, i totally understand- i don’t think i’d want to hear me ramble about my inner struggles either

(for context, red “she” and orange “she” are two different people- left it vague because i like it that way.)

it feels like my world is just falling apart around me because i have no parental figure and the one that was a parental figure to me adores my best friend but doesn’t really like me… i can tell that all i do is cause problems for her and that’s why she likes them more… i feel so awful but like… i have no one. no one at all. and it’s at the worst possible time that she decided to choose them over me because im trying to heal and recover from the things that the person who traumatized me did and during this moment of healing i need an adult that’s actually on my side, because she acted like she was on my side just to later turn against me and emotionally manipulate and abuse me… she used to fill that void of no parental figure, but after the incident i finally realized it was time to let go and now that i’ve let go im just so… empty… i just want one singular adult that i care about to not degrade and berate me but instead to treat me like an actual human and not a fucking robot who has to be perfect 24/7, because to her, if i wasn’t perfect, i was useless… that’s probably all i am to her… useless…

#trauma #trauma response #trauma dumping #emotional attachment #attachment issues #attachment #emotionally abused #i am not doing well #intrusive memories #mental breakdown #mentally unwell #tw depressing thoughts #depressing post #tw depressing stuff #tw selfhate #spiraling #i hate myself #i am severely mentally ill #i miss you and i hate it #why don’t you care #why why why #why dont you love me #im so so so sorry #im sorry #im not mentally well #personal vent #vent tw #vent tag #vent post #vent

[lonelycornergremlin]

HELP

hi so, uhhhhhhhh,

peoelp are scaery i cannto

so,,,,,,,,,twst people are real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

,,,,,i,,,,,,,,,

i was,,,,,,,making a lttiel tiny baby Grim, yeha???

well,,,,,,peolel!!!!!!!!!!!!

soemeone noticed and talkwd to em. convseation!!!!

i,,,,,asked tejm

who their faves wrere and rthey said tbe octatrio,,,osky?????

theh they left andb i wnatsd tk give tbem a tiny draiwjf because i dknt know how to peipel

BUT THEN ANYOTHER ONE CAME ALONG!!! AND WITHJA COMPAINION

they weer liek 'omg, Floyd, i love him'

anbs then thejr friedb was lik 'look at my plants in a cup they are in a cup'

ANDB TGE TWST FAN WAS LIKE

'yeah, my fav is Idia, although rn i'm stuck on Ch 6's battle thingy'

AND J WAS JSUT LIEK

'mhn, yeha, it's pretty difficult. and i only had a small batch of cards built'

AND TGEN THE BELL RANG SO I GAVE THEM THE DRAWING??????????

i also pulled a Ruggie and almost turned into dust bc

#dwdw #uh so #i got a draiwjg readuy for tbr othrr twst fan #but i am severely mentally unwell.

[snackward]

I'm so tired of having psychiatry appts every week whefieowhoiefhoe every week she's like how have you been and I'm like I've been the same and she's like have you been anxious or down at all? and I'm like girl that is my personality so yes djfiwodfhjowhfowidfhoi like I promise I'll alert you if I suddenly am a calm happy person

#like i'm really fine i'm not like that unwell #but have I been anxious AT ALL ??? yes obviously ?? #and have I been down? idk!!! #like idk!!! #i don't know how happy I am expected to be! #diary #i want to stop meeting every week but i am trying a new med so like I kind of get it #but also what if I just shoot you an email if I feel literally anything new #and then we can meet #real sick of shelling out 50 bones week after week to report that i still have the same personality i've had since i was born #do you know how many enamel pins I could buy with that money??? several!!! #honestly getting several enamel pins in the mail every day would ABSOLUTELY do more for my mental health than these appts do #and then we always get into these huge existential topics that i'm already addressing with my therapist #yknow the therapist i also see every week #i'm literally not even that mentally ill

[freedvmrouge]

desperately waiting to maybe like myself again bc my ability to write is tied to my self-worth

#void.talk #self-worth #mental health #mentally fucked #i have several events to write for #i either burned out within two weeks of nonstop writing #or i’ve stumbled upon hate for my favorite characters and i couldn’t cope #i also still don’t feel like i’ve made a friend since i joined these discord servers #like i still feel so alone #and absolutely worthless #like i’m only good if i write fics they enjoy #i am obviously unwell and i know that #what else do you want from me?

[delicatetragedies2]

Major Tw ⚠️ Bad Home Life and anything Self Deprecating + Death⚠️

Last post was all over the place. But here I am again… too instead talk about one thing. My home life.

For my whole life I’ve never truly had a stable place to call home. When I was younger I was a little more oblivious to this but the older I got the more miserable I became.

First it was with my mom and stepdad. They hardly ever got along and because of the constant fighting and yelling I grew this hatred and resentment. I used to tell him I hated him during the fights. It would make me feel guilty after but I 11-12 at the time. Just days before my 15th birthday I was the one to come home and find my step dad in the garage on the floor. He committed un-alive and wasn’t able to be saved. It was too late.

About a year later my mom had crawled her way back up and thought she could start over. Get a better life. She started going on dates, getting to know people. Then one day, I’m just supposed to accept and man moving it. I have no idea who he is, but oh boy would I learn. This man, my mom still current boyfriend, raised absolute fucking hell. He’s an alcoholic who thrives on putting people down. I’m 19 now. And still deal with his shit. He ruined the last years of my adolescence and minority. He’s traumatized me to the point I can’t even take my dog barking without my heart jumping to my throat.

This man has thrown things, kicked things, broken things, abused my mom, tried hurting my dog, told me if I brought a kitten home he’d kill it, etc. he’s called my mom and I a bitch. He tells his daughter and me that we’re lazy and do nothing around the house even though he’s The one that hides outside all day to drink after work.

My mom had a baby with him, so now I have a baby brother I feel inclined to protect. This whole situation has made me fall back into old habits. I hide in my room, let it go to filth, sh, can’t eat properly, and cry almost every night. I’ve grown so suicidal, but can’t stand the thought of sitting back beyond the grave knowing my little brother and mother could get abused or even killed.

This man has gotten in my face multiple times that I’ve had to kick him, smack him and scream at him to get away. It’s been to the point that my fiancé has had to block this man from getting too close to me. This man terrified me… and yet my mom says she just pushes his buttons too much. That she pushes things to this point. She blames herself and won’t acknowledge that. She keeps looking for the best in this man because when he doesn’t drink he’s a good person. What she doesn’t understand is that he always goes back to the drink. He always turns to it despite knowing he could have a great life without it. Him and those drinks are who he is. He’s not a nice guy she hopes for.

I’m so done, you know? If I had a way out I’d leave. If I didn’t have a little brother I’d leave. One way or another. But I can’t. I will never forgive myself. So here I am. Hating this man’s guts. I can’t pretend anymore that he’s family. That I like him. That he’s a good person. He makes me sick to my stomach and I want to avoid him at all costs.

What I can’t get over his how hes brought up my dead step father over and over. He always makes us feel like shit bc he says it’s our fault. And on top of that, he will purposely walk around the house with a knife to slit his wrists infront of us. He’ll saunter in a room and just do it like it’s not big deal. Then he’ll mock me and say, “how did you stop? What made you stop? You used to do it sooo much.”

He was never around for the horrid times, and I go out of my way to be miserable to hide it. Like, sorry I have scars. It’s just so triggering that I’m starting it up again. All bc of him.

I literally have nightmares now that he’s killing my mom and I can’t move fast enough or get to her room. Recently I had such a vivid one that her blood curdling screams literally had me waking up in a sweat with the cries ringing through my ear. In the dream all I wanted was for it to stop. For things to not be real. And by the time I woke up, I was in shambles.

I hate my life.

… Also. Just a little extra thing I can never tell anyone. Not even my mother. One night the dude was drunk and I had went out to the garage stupidly. I am lucky nothing happened to me but on that night I was wearing a nightgown and the dude made me sit next to him and kept telling me how I look like my mother. How I’m so beautiful. He kept holding my hands and touched the end of my nightgown. This was so long ago now that it’s irrelevant but it’s stuck with me to this day that it’s just another reason this guy scares me… (And I guess what confuses me after such and interaction is how he is so overprotective if a man even exhibits pedo like actions. Idk if I’m reading too far into that interaction.) All I know is I can hardly stand him after everything.

#toxic people #toxicity #abusiveboyfriend #narcissistic abuse #tw abuse #tw self destructive behavior #i'm so fucking tired #mentally fucked #i am severely unwell #family problems #dont report just ignore #dont report just block #dont report pls #just block me

[patronsaintofposmodernity]

i need to be done with this project as soon as possible or im gonna lose it for real

#i am. so unwell #every severe mental breakdown I've had these past two years has been because of this hellish project #and it's so expensive too 😭😭😭 truly i can't win

[thebibliosphere]

Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

#adhd #mental health #mental illness #trauma #imposter syndrome #sorry for the wall of eratic text #feeling jittery af #possibly hypomanic tbh #either way #aaaaaaaaah

[m-a-d-e-l-e-i-n-e]

Daily affirmations: I love regularly not having any appetite and not being able to sleep well no matter what I do and it does not hinder my quality of life at all 👍

#my body when it realizes it can randomly make it so that I cannot even do basic things that I need to do to live: 🤯🤩😇😱🥳😎 #last night I literally could not sleep at all once again so today I feel like a zombie 👍 #like come on I took a melatonin and everything #I am very sick of sleepless nights #also for these past several months my body loves to do this thing where if I didn’t really sleep the night before and don’t feel well #I end up feeling nauseous and throw up the moment I consume anything 👍 #even though I wake up with an empty stomach if I eat anything or take a sip of water boom it is out of my system within five minutes #love that #also love how I have to force myself to eat to stay somewhat healthy because god knows if I gave into my impulses I would eat like once/day #buuuut I guess this is what happens when you have hyperthyroidism that will not fuck off and you keep putting off going to the doctor #personal #txt #I love being mentally unwell #I don’t know why I wrote ‘randomly’ in the first tag

[bread-squid-uwu]

Yall ffs if ur gonna be mutuals with me,

Tag homestuck content or follow my DNI and block me.

#this is /neg #i am severely unwell #and that comic n fandom are a HUGE factor in my trauma. #this is why its a PROMINENT FEATURE IN MY DNI #its awful for me. my mental wellness comes before tumblr friends i just blocked two people. #respect my dni and me as a person please.