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itsthedoodle · 28 days

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the tragic story of the vienna sausage

Summary:

“Feyre, before we do this, there is something you should know.”

She looked at him incredulously, trying to ignore the throbbing between her legs. He thought now was the time for confessions? Sighing, she looked at him expectantly nonetheless.

“My cock… it’s not like other cocks.”

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: none

Many thanks to @rosanna-writer for spending her lunch break beta reading this pure chaos of a oneshot 🩵

Read on AO3

“You’ve plagued my dreams for so long.”

Feyre had no actual recollection of how they had gotten there. She only knew that they’d met at a ball several hours ago, and she had been captivated by his aura the moment she’d laid her eyes on him. Rhys could command a room just by being in it, which didn’t really surprise her given his station. They had been introduced to each other, had hit it off right away, had danced all night long, dances during which more than just a few whispers about them had been heard, and had decided to go out for some fresh air. A ballroom wasn’t the best place to strike up a conversation, especially with the presence of eager eyes and ears, so anything remotely meaningful Feyre had wanted to tell Rhys had come rushing out of her the moment she had felt him stand next to her on the enormous balcony.

She had confessed that she loved the night sky more than anything else, and he had told her he knew the perfect spot on this estate for stargazing. She had all but begged him to take her there, so they had gone to the fountain in the center of the rose maze, and had sat there for who knows how long.

If anyone had been looking for them, neither Feyre nor Rhys had known anything about it.

Rhys had started tracing constellations in the sky, meanwhile Feyre had been busy tracing the constellation of stars in his eyes. He had simply looked away from the sky for one moment, had turned his head to look at her and whatever he must have seen on her face had made him risk it all and kiss her like a parched man finally tasting water again.

She had kissed him back, and the rest had conveniently left her brain.

She looked at Rhys now, looked at his flushed face and the silky hair she couldn’t bring herself to stop touching. He was so beautiful and she wanted him so bad that she could hardly make sense of her own thoughts.

His shirt had been thrown somewhere behind him — or behind her? — she didn’t particularly care, and the top of her gown had been lowered down to her waist, her chest peppered with so many bruises she didn’t even know how she would cover them. That was a problem for future Feyre.

Present Feyre simply wanted to fuck the gorgeous man in front of her.

She ran her hands on his bare chest, the planes of it covered in strange markings she didn’t understand, moving them low to his abs and ending at his pants. She couldn’t wait to taste him.

She started to unbutton them when he put his hands on hers.

“Feyre, before we do this, there is something you should know.”

She looked at him incredulously, trying to ignore the throbbing between her legs. He thought now was the time for confessions? Sighing, she looked at him expectantly nonetheless.

“My cock… it’s not like other cocks.”

She suppressed a snort. Wasn’t that what every male said? Though Feyre had to admit, Rhys wasn’t like other males. He was different. There was something about him she couldn’t put her finger on.

“I’ll be the judge of that.” She said, unbuttoning his pants, lowering them and his underwear.

As they fell to his ankles, she only had enough time to register two things:

Rhys looked anxious, and his cock was abnormally large and long.

She blinked down at it, unable to form a coherent sentence. While she usually hated the “how will it fit?”, she was seriously considering whether it would actually fit.

She forced her brain to come up with something to say. “Not like other cocks, huh?”

Rhys gulped. “I’ll show you. Please promise me you won’t bolt.”

Feyre nodded, keeping her eyes on her unusual prize. She was horny, and she wanted him to fuck her, but she had to figure out something regarding that—

The cock, already at a size she couldn’t quite grasp, started elongating, with Rhys standing up from his spot on the fountain and putting distance between them with every inch it gained.

Her mind was blank. She wasn’t sure if she was dreaming or if she had eaten something that was affecting her clarity. Her head was spinning and her heart was threatening to jump right out of her chest.

Rhys was now on the other side of the center of the maze, and his cock was long enough to touch her nonetheless, and Feyre—

Feyre ran for her life.

She ran faster than she had ever ran before, and just when she thought she had put enough distance between them, she felt something brushing her ankle. She looked down, screaming at the sight of Rhys’s cock wrapped around her ankle.

Feyre fell, face on the grass. The cock released her ankle.

“Feyre please, I just want to talk. Let me explain.”

Her face was hurting from the impact, and she could feel her nose bleeding. Ignoring the pain, she used that moment to her advantage, standing and running again, without a single clue as to where she was going, seeing as she was in a freaking maze.

Feyre was aware of the ridiculous sight she was making at the moment — running from a prehensile cock and its owner, boobs out and swinging this way and that.

She stopped in front of a narrow path, the only way forward. It was a tight space, and chances she would be hurt in the process were high, but she couldn’t climb up the tall rose wall, so she went in. The skirts of her dress kept getting stuck in the thorns of the roses, but slowing down would mean the cock would catch up to her. While she was horny and would admit she could be talked into letting a prehensile cock fuck her, she was also terrified of how that would work to begin with. Would it hurt? Could he control the length? If that was the case, why hadn’t he just kept it to himself in the first place?

That’s right, she thought to herself. Because he’s a decent man willing to give his partner a choice.

Rhys… poor Rhys. He had begged her not to bolt. She had told him she wouldn’t and had done just that at the first chance she got.

“Feyre please,” he pleaded with her from what she thought was from the other side of the maze wall. “I swear I just want us to talk. You deserve an explanation.”

She did, she was aware of that. She also knew he deserved to be heard. There had to be a reason for whatever was going on. Who was she to judge someone’s physical condition? And besides, how bad could it be? She was scared, but at the same time she was also curious about it.

Making a decision, she slowed down, catching her breath. She was a big girl. She could do this.

Turning around, Feyre went to the exit of the path she was in.

As expected, Rhys came out of the parallel path, his cock now at its usual length.

She suppressed a snort. While she had been busy running naked from the waist up, he had simply decided to run entirely naked altogether.

The man was gorgeous though, like he had been carved by an artist. Even his cock was gorgeous.

“I’m sorry I grabbed your ankle.”

Feyre nodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself. I was just…”

“Scared? Taken by surprise?” he said with a knowing tone.

She nodded again.

Rhys sighed. “You wouldn’t be the first. It’s a hard thing to explain.”

Feyre raised an eyebrow. It was a hard thing alright. Rhys caught what she meant and laughed.

“Has it always been like that?” she asked, genuinely curious.

Rhys shook his head. “No. A witch pretending to be a priestess cursed my family line centuries ago because I rejected her advances. It’s been like this ever since.”

“Is there a way to break the spell?”

He looked at her for a moment, taking in her appearance. “The key to breaking the curse would be a willing sexual partner who knows about it and accepts me nonetheless.”

Feyre hummed. So that would explain why he had told her. Did that mean—

“I know what you’re thinking. There hasn’t been a willing sexual partner in quite some time. You’re the first one to even agree to hear me out.”

“That must have been painful for you.” she said, approaching him.

He snorted. “Emotionally and physically, yes.”

Sighing, she stopped in front of him. “Look. The thought of it terrifies me, I won’t lie. But I’m also curious.”

“You… are?”

His unsure tone broke her heart. No one deserved to be feeling what he must have felt all these years.

“I am,” she said, bringing her hand to his cock, stroking it. It was smooth like velvet, which she wasn’t expecting considering how long it could get and how she had been running away from it until a few minutes ago. “I’m also still very turned on.” She went down on her knees, eye level with it. “I’d say that’s a good sign, right?”

Rhys was looking at her like he couldn’t believe his luck, and she used that moment of shock to lick a long stripe up his shaft.

He groaned, and she took him fully in her mouth, one hand gripping him and her other hand finding its way to her clit.

As she sucked and stroked, she felt the world tilting, a weird sensation in her head. She faintly wondered how it would feel if the cock elongated while inside her before her world went fully dark.

“Feyre?”

She groaned, feeling warm all over. She was lying somewhere soft. Had Rhys carried her inside the mansion from the rose maze?

She forced her eyes open, blinking several times, waiting for her eyesight to adjust. Rhys was by her side, her hand in his. He looked disheveled, stressed, tired, and fully clothed.

“Rhys?”

He sighed, sounding relieved. “Hello Feyre darling.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “I was so worried about you.”

“What happened? How did I get here, did you carry me here from the rose maze?”

“The… what now?” he said, wholly confused. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’ve been lying here for a whole week. The fever only broke an hour ago.”

“What fever?”

Rhys blinked. “You don’t remember anything?”

Feyre shook her head.

“Well,” Rhys started, “You got bitten by a venomous snake. Madja gave you the antidote on time but the fever needed a while to fully break — you seriously don’t remember anything?”

“No, I don’t,” She said, sighing. “I must have really been out of it.”

“You kept mumbling things about stargazing and… prehensile cocks the whole time?” he finished with a confused tone. “I’m just glad you’re okay, darling.”

He leaned in to kiss her gently and she returned it. Had it all been a dream?

“Rhys?” she asked tentatively, “can I be honest with you?”

“Always.” He answered immediately.

“I’d have been curious and willing to give it a shot, but I’m glad you don’t have a prehensile cock.”

#feysand #rhysand #feyre archeron #feyre #feysand au #the most unhinged idea i've ever had #also the most unhinged thing i've ever written #and trust me i've written quite a few of them #keep an open mind #and read at your own risk #acotar #acomaf #acowar #feyre x rhys #rhys x feyre #feyre x rhysand #rhysand x feyre

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awesomechocolatesauce · 9 months

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Certain people like to harp on Ben for being mean in early season one and stick to that characterization of him throughout the entire show ("he started out as a douche and ended as a douche"), so I'd like to counter that.

Here's a list, just from the top of my head, of the good things Ben has done:

Acknowledged he and Devi make a good team

Didn't rat Devi out to her mom about Model UN

Allowed Devi to stay in his house when she was having a fight with her mom

Helped Devi reunite with Fabiola and Eleanor

Broke the law and risked his safety to drive Devi to Malibu so she can spread her dad's ashes

Immediately informed Paxton that they were both dating Devi

While still being mad at Devi, he helped her relieve a leg cramp

Went into the bathroom to comfort Devi after she was publicly rejected by Paxton

Apologized to Aneesa for how he treated her during their relationship*

Helped Paxton write his college essay

Told Devi that Des' mom was getting him to break up with her

Apologized to Devi for icing her out

Saved Devi from a creep and got punched in the face

Gave Devi a pep talk at Princeton "You know who you are"

Immediately told Devi that someone in their school was accepted into Princeton

Wanted to end things with Margot on friendly terms

Gave Devi a pep talk and comforted her after she wasn't accepted into any colleges

Congratulated Devi on getting accepted into Princeton

Flew all the way from New York to California just to confess his feelings for Devi

Wow, how mean he is! No character development whatsoever! 😭😂 Add more if you want.

* I don't think it was all Ben's fault for how he and Aneesa's relationship ended. Even if Devi wasn't in the picture, I firmly believe that they were just incompatible.

#ben gross #benvi #devi vishwakumar #devi x ben #ben x devi #never have i ever #nhie #literally someone tried to convince me that Ben was always a douche bag and anyone who chise him over Paxton was dumb #which is incredibly rude #I like Paxton and I'm not shading anybody who prefer him #to each their own #but damn #keep an open mind #jessica's personal stuff #text post

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cirixwqnd · 2 years

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general audience: byler doesn’t make any sense! will might be gay but mike will totally friendzone him!!

byler tumblr: *literally provides like 20 essays on how it DOES make sense and mike does reciprocate will’s feelings*

GA:

the duffers @ july 1st (hopefully): *makes byler canon*

GA (probably): OMG IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!! THIS IS SO FORCED HOW IS MIKE GAY??!! THIS IS SUCH A LAZY AND HORRIBLE WRITING!! I AM.. DISAPPOINTED

#byler #stranger things s4 #stranger things #I beg of you GA.. just LISTEN #keep an open mind #argyle: OPEN MIND!? THERE’S AN OPEN GRAVE IN FRONT OF ME MAN!--#JSHSHHSHS thats a stupid tag #will byers is gay #mike wheeler is gay #st4 #watch me post the clown emoji at july 1st when it doesn’t become canon.. yet #ciri rants

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dress-this-way · 1 month

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Leave No Retail Stone Unturned - YLF

#shopping #shopping tips #keep an open mind #thoughts #tips

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howifeltabouthim · 1 year

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An artist is nothing more than a vessel. It's like being a medium. You just have to open your mind to the possibility, and—boom—ghosts are everywhere.

Anna Dorn, from Vagablonde

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the-ephemeral-ethereal · 1 year

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Remember the advantage of keeping an open mind. Preparedness, after all, is not a lesson taught us by our friends but by our enemies. It is our enemies, not our friends, who teach us to survive.

from The Birds by Aristophanes

#birds #the birds #aristophanes #keeping an open mind #keep an open mind #open mind #open minded #prepared #preparedness #friends #enemies #frenemies #survive #survival

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that-one-scorpia-kinnie · 2 years

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Who else gets frustrated when people dismiss and completely miss the point of a movie or book?

Like for example, I watched Midsommar at the start of this year and it's the only horror movie that's actually scared me, it has so much meaning to it and there's so much to talk about and analyse when watching it, such as the theme of cults and how they manipulate the most vulnerable people (in this case, Dani) and how this has an effect on the audience too, Dani's emotionally detached relationship with Christian, and the overall surrealist and nightmarish effect the film has, etc.

But I've seen loads of people say it's the "worst movie ever" and that's it's just a "strange movie" and nothing else. And I can understand that it's not everyone's cup of tea, to each their own, and to be fair Midsommar is HELLA gruesome (it's definitely not for the faint of heart), but I just kinda wish people had a more open-minded perspective on things.

#this isn't my normal she ra post but still #midsommar #keep an open mind

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mallory-a-bond · 2 years

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A Villainous Helper

Introduction I’m called Spectra. I am a girl of my mid twenties. I have ankle length long pastel reflective white hair that is incredibly thick that I normally keep in a loose ponytail and I would have uneven strands and tuffs of my hair framing my face one side being longer than the other often more times than not my right side lightly covering my right eye. My eyes are of rainbow diamonds. My…

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#5.0.5 #6.0.6 #Black Hat #Characters belong to their respective owners #Clementia #Dementia #don&039;t kill me #fanfiction #Flug #keep an open mind #mentions of fandoms please don&039;t kill me #Only the story belongs to me #original characters #Slug #Villainous #Villainous Heroic AU #White Hat

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nkogneatho · 16 days

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i am scared to read that fic😨

it'll be worth it :3 do it

#keep an open mind #💌toodles

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mytangents · 10 months

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Evade! Evade!

During the late 90's I found myself in Ohio....the west side of Dayton no less. I had been called to serve a religious mission for the faith I had belonged to. As a young man who came from a small town I hadn't developed any "street smarts" at the time, so it was not uncommon for me and my religious companion(s) to ride our bikes through very rough stretches of neighborhoods to deliver our message of hope and peace.

On one dark night we found ourselves lost, on foot, and didn't know where north or south was. The trusty mountains of the Wasatch Front which stood as natural compasses were some 1,700 miles away....a little out of our view point! Cell phones, Siri, Google maps, and Uber were but 15 years from being developed; much like my street smarts. To make matters worse, we were aware of a man who had been following us for some time now. He was black which added to our fears, just because neither of us had really known a black person till we arrived in Ohio. Up to this point we had never had a negative experience with anyone from any races in this area, but the media sometimes will portray certain ethnicities a certain way.

He seemed like he was holding something as he followed us. We could only conclude it had to be a weapon! We quickly decided on what we should do. My companion suggested we had to "evade! evade!". Seemed like a smart thing to do...unless he had a gun. At that instant I remembered the last book I had read before leaving home. The inspiring work of Sun Tzu's "The Art of War". "Whoever is first in the field and awaits the coming of an enemy, will be fresh for the fight; whoever is second to the field and has to hasten to battle, will arrive exhausted." (Tzu) In my limited view of how to handle conflict, and a probably equally limited view in understanding this passage, I decided this was our battle ground and we weren't going to run. I expected maybe a power greater than ours would intercede.

To our relief as he approached us, he gave me a religious text that I had left at his house only a few minutes earlier! He didn't want it and was trying to get our attention but with our pre conceived notions of who he was, with the addition to the dark night, gave way to a more sinister idea of what is intentions were. Guess I should brush up on my Sun Tzu!

After reading the Staples article I'd have treated this situation much differently because I'd have thought through different scenarios and not just come to one conclusion.

Works cited:

Tzu, Sun. "The Art of War" 1910, reprinted 2003, pp. 27, article #1

#english #art of war #common misconceptions #keep an open mind #education

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vizhen-thoughts · 1 year

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Thu June 9 2022 3:18pm

i recognize that this is just American entitlement in my subconscious, but i truly believe that people shouldn’t have to pay for the things they can’t live without. all humans can’t live without food, water, and some form of shelter.

i believe we’ve reached a point where established societies have all of those things to some extent. but i also believe that the human existence as a whole was meant to progress. continuously evolving and changing, doing not only better for humans across the globe, but doing better for the planet that provides us with these essentials.

forgive me for my mind and way of thinking are quite abstract and i’m often misunderstood, but i’ll do my best to explain this cohesively.

i think of the planet and human existence as ouroboros—the snake depicted eating its own tail. i view it this way because humans have the incredible ability of sentience, meaning that our brains evolve as we take in new information and that falls in the same category as learning, only it goes much deeper than that.

humans are able to walk on 2 legs with a straight back.

we learned how to make controlled fires to cook our food.

we learned how to make language to communicate our thoughts with words.

we went on to adapting to our environments by forming communities and utilizing shelter, eventually learning how to build our own houses. we learned how to build towns, cities, countries.

we developed cultures—which if you really think about it, the depth of any one culture is crazy, but the way that humans created multiple different cultures?? my god.

we were able to learn about how the body works, and how to cure disease and even do smaller things like alleviating pain or medicinally aiding a fever so you don’t die from it at any age.

right now, we are learning about how our brains work—how we have come to be “humans” as we now know it.

there’s still a lot to learn, but one truth has been rearing its ugly head lately—that is, we cannot go on like this, to say the least.

everything we are doing is not doing anyone any good. we can look at numbers and productivity levels and all that man-made crap. but the fact of the matter is personal satisfaction rates—maybe even overall satisfaction rates—are so low that i dont know a single person who’s happy with their life and genuinely means it.

and of course i do recognize that my perspective is limited to what i’ve seen. maybe there are more ppl satisfied with the true state of the world than the opposite. its just very hard for me to imagine that the majority of 7B humans would be okay with knowing that global warming will claim this Earth if we continue on this path, which will effect all humans—even the rich humans who think they’re untouchable.

nature’s funny like that, and so is karma. you see these are all very real things.

powerful humans do conquer the weak, and to be more specific, it is humans who have been allotted power by their human ancestors.

but nature will always find its balance, and that is a force that no human can stand against.

so, to put it bluntly, how do you feel about knowing that a lot of the things that are the fundamentals of our societies are actually killing us?

through diversifying our minds we can come together in ways never seen before and save our planet while saving ourselves. i think it’s absolutely stupid to insist on fighting when our home is at stake. when the planet’s uninhabitable there won’t be anywhere or anyone left to fight. we’ll all be screwed.

that is the reality of this dilemma we face.

so many factors go into this, major factors like nationalist ideals and diplomacy, and smaller factors down to the individual level of consciousness.

i’m definitely not going to pretend like i know every single thing or have all the answers, but i know for certain where we need to start. we all have a part to play in this, but until we all get on the same page and realize that life can be better, safer, and more gratifying for everyone, we will not get anywhere. in fact we will be the cause of our own destruction. but it doesn’t have to be this way.

we can come together.

“the internet will change the world,” is a quote i heard recently.

the fact is, the internet made us aware of the fact that other humans exist in worlds beyond our own. and that did not have to be a bad thing, but humans often repeat the same mistakes, such as extreme culture shock to the point of extreme rejection. depending on how you’re looking at the situation that could be either a good or a bad thing.

but the fact of the matter is, the internet opened our eyes to the world as a whole. there’s no way that that in itself isn’t a sign telling us to do better as one collective.

i stand firm on my beliefs and my morals—and call it entitlement, narcissism, or whatever you want— but all i wish to do with my life is be apart of the movement that’s gonna take all of humanity to a brighter future.

the future where every human can live in comfort and peace, no matter where their home is, and no matter where they wish their home to be.

the future where traveling is much easier and more efficient and safer for the environment.

the future where we can actually explore our own oceans and learn something abt this planet before we no longer have the opportunity for christ’s sake…

the future i envision is one where anyone can become whoever they want. whether they want to be a marine biologist, a doctor, a chef, or even just an at-home tech support or full-time parent.

everyone, and i do mean everyone, would love the opportunity to be productive in the way that works best for their physical and mental needs.

this future focuses on the individual within a greater society with the common goal of survival & prosperity. we all need it. for ourselves alive today, and for our children who will take our place.

i truly believe that we can change, and i have hope that we wont squander our planet and all the progress we’ve made up to this point.

— VIZHEN