#Kael.txt

[nebulairis]

my mind cannot be trusted it keeps saying "cmooon go off your antidepressants you know they flatten you out cmon if you stop taking them you'll actually feel happy" which is absolutely the fuck not what would happen. let's go flat fuck fluvoxamine we're in this for life

#i got depressed while on antidepressants trust me i need the flattening #my skills include becoming suicidal while on max doses of SSRIs <3 #and also knowing a lot about kaveh #love kaveh #kael.txt

[kaeldra]

one of my absolute favourite parts of writing is when characters just. decide to do things??? like how are you doing that

#going from fighting to hit wordcount to struggling to keep up as my characters get themselves into new shenanigans in the span of 15 minutes #maybe I’ll finish this fic yet :) #kael.txt

[samsoleil]

I’ve always wondered if the writers decided to (or were instructed to) write less for Sam after Jared’s season 3 breakdown just in case it became the Dean Show. I don’t think the Dean Show would ever have actually panned out, but the switch to focusing on Dean always made me wonder if it was an intentional shift or not, as some sort of insurance that the show would keep going if Jared did leave.

ohmygosh HI it's crazy how excited I was to see this like someone wants MY thoughts? wow!!

cw for discussion of several tumblr redacted topics, including mental illness and suicide.

First things first, it's important to acknowledge that there is a huge amount of stigma against mental illness! And I feel like this stigma increases exponentially with the amount of respect your career garners in the public eye which means that the fear of people discovering that you have a mental illnesses also increases. I know for a fact that this problem is rampent amongst medical professionals (including med students), and it's very safe to assume that the same goes for celebrities. There's a reason that we often don't discover that actors were depressed until after they've committed suicide.

(I want to preface the rest of this by saying from here on out is entirely speculation, so please take it with a ring of salt)

I don't think that fears around Jared quitting due to his mental health quite explain the consistent and ongoing Dean favouritism within the show. If they genuinely intended to shape the show to make Dean a solo character, they should have transitioned him to the protagonist, ideally beginning in s4 (after Jared's first breakdown).

What would this transition look like? It would involve giving Dean more agency within the plot, having him make decisions that change the course of the story, and having him make unpredictable choices that are later explained to increase our understanding of his motives. Sam would be put on a backburner, deferring to Dean's judgement or lacking the tools to counter Dean's choices, behaving consistently and predictably, and interacting more with side characters to shape them as entities (keeping in mind that side characters function to further the protagonist, which is why so many character arcs end once they've furthered Sam's development lol).

But they never quite managed to achieve this. Despite the Dean favouritism, despite the crappy writing, despite everything, throughout the show Sam is still the protagonist and Jared is still giving it his all. So no, I don't think that's a sufficient explanation.

More exploration of this whole thing under the cut.

Jared has had two instances that we know of where showrunners and writers genuinely feared that he may not be capable of continuing in the show; s3 and s10. In s3 he was essentially given no choice about whether to continue or not, Kripke spoke with him personally, and some nasty rumours began being spread about his behaviour on-set. Making the choice to open up about his mental illness back around s3 was incredibly brave of him, and also really clever, because it meant that he could seize control of the narrative. protagonist vibes.

But what do we see in s4? Sam has more agency and power than ever before. He has a clear goal, a huge amount of motivation, and his certainty refuses to let anybody else stand in his way. They need Lilith dead, both to prevent her from freeing Lucifer and to get revenge on her for killing Dean, and Sam is determined to make this happen. And he wants Dean to be with him when he does. Dean's attempts to intervene with Sam's plans are futile but they serve to further his character. Sam is the monster he always feared he would be.

"Kael, your Sam bias is showing." Okay, okay, let's talk about what Dean is doing in s4. After being tortured in hell and freed by an unknown force, Dean grapples with his guilt before confessing to Sam that he remembers everything. He works with Sam to prevent the seals from being destroyed (the seals are destroyed), he locks Sam in the panic room (Sam is freed from the panic room), he tries to stop Sam from leaving him (Sam leaves him), aaaand he gets locked in a room (and Sam kills Lilith).

...so Sam is still the protagonist here.

But the Dean favouritism POPS in seasons 4 and 5, setting the course for the rest of the show. Demon blood is evil because Dean (and therefore narrative) says so. Sam's powers are evil because Dean (and therefore narrative) says so. Sam is doing the wrong thing because Dean (and therefore narrative) says so. Killing Lilith was bad and he was an idiot for doing it, what do you mean that Dean thought up until the very last second that killing Lilith would save the seal? Sam SINGLE-HANDEDLY RELEASED LUCIFER oh 65 seals broke before that one? and Dean broke the first one by torturing people? and Cas let Sam out of the panic room? and angels lied to the three of them? I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of Sam being a monster. Sam's the least of any of them and he's too weak to keep Lucifer behind bars. And he's too weak to say no. Even though he's been saying no and DEAN is the one threatening to say yes to Michael.

And then SAM SAVES THE WORLD in Swan Song, and they BRING HIM BACK!!! And it's not even Dean that does it! Oh my god, if they wanted Jared gone, they should have just killed Sam there and be done with it!

Okay. Breathing.

(Be honest, how much of that had you forgotten about? How much has the show shaped your perception of Sam and his actions?)

Jared's second crisis was in 2015, after s10 had finished filming, and he very publically posted about this on social media (and garnered so much support, I love Jared fans for this). I suspect that it was known to the production team over the course of s10 filming that Jared was struggling with his mental health, even if it didn't make it into the public eye until after filming was finished.

Enter the MoC, the closest that Dean has come to being the protagonist in the whole show (excluding Alpha and Omega). Dean's getting the Mark with Crowley, he's killing being killed by Mettatron, he's being a demon getting cured by Sam, he's doing nothing to stop the Mark from taking over, he's on the sidelines while Sam searches for a cure, he's being convinced by Sam to kill Death (wait, Sam's driving the show again, shit). And audiences fucking hated it. s10 got awful awful ratings.

Enter s11, audience darling, where the two brothers are finally on the same page and supporting each other and Sam is facing up against Lucifer again while Dean is puppeted around by the big bad. Sam's decision to go to the Cage Lite, despite Dean's protests, is the thing that catalyses the rest of the season. Aaand Sam is the protagonist again. Quick, let's focus in on Dean's face after Sam talks about how upset he is so that we can make Dean look more relevant.

If you want to delve deep into the speculation (and AKF and YANA, which I didn't touch on here, I really don't know enough), check out (@)lol-jackles who is a practiced speculator and former actor so actually knows some stuff lol

#anonymous #kael.txt #spn #spn meta

[ast3ri]

the Illuminati has a website and idk if its legit or not but im dying 

#kael.txt

[kaeldra]

me, making detailed schedules and colour-coded calendars for when I’m going to finish various stories: :)

me, realizing that in order to finish said stories I have to actually write them: >:(

#pretty sure I like planning my writing more than I actually like writing at this point #also I need to go to bed I have a dentist appointment in seven hours #kael.txt

[kaeldra]

rereading old fanfic drafts I have laying around and I'm angry at past me for not finishing them >:(

#sitting here going 'oughh my blorbos' #I love them sm #maybe I'll try to finish one today who knows #kael.txt

[kaeldra]

decided on a whim to watch Groundhog Day (1993) and I have to say I am Underwhelmed

#kael.txt #I mean it was... fine I guess? #but I really don't get why it has such high ratings #unpopular opinion I guess woops #kinda cool to have watched it on its 30th anniversary tho woooo #or close enough anyway

[kaeldra]

okay I think I've decided on my cosplays and halloween costume for this year :> now to find the time and energy and money to make them all sdkjfhsjfh

#kael.txt #I did my first cosplay last year and it definitely wasn't perfect but it was so so so fun #I want More #currently planning 3 cosplays with a hopeful fourth if I can get everything done #the first one is just a redo of last year's so really I only have to work on two #let's goooo

[kaeldra]

just had an interaction with the sweetest person on 7cups 😭

#kael.txt #sometimes you just need to Vent #some listeners are hit and miss but this one was absolutely lovely #granted I rambled 95% of the time but #much better than blahtherapy don't go there if you value your mental health #no screening for listeners whatsoever

[kaeldra]

Happy New Year!!! May 2023 be a happy and wonderful year for us all :D

#kael.txt #the new year always makes me optimistic but I'm looking forward to it #lots of plans for the new year

[kaeldra]

man where would I be now if I had gotten an art tablet in high school like I wanted

#kael.txt #I bought one in June and even though I haven't used it /that/ much my improvement has been by leaps and bounds #compared to when I would draw traditionally anyway #I always thought it was too expensive to ask for or that I wouldn't use it or whatever #but at least I finally got one! #I'm having a blast

[kaeldra]

help I want to make a PJO forum but I have like negative time and energy available for that

#I need to go to bed #(if anyone is interested hmu lol) #kael.txt

[kaeldra]

I want to start writing more, like not just more of my existing projects (though I would like to finish those) but also just more ideas! Little snippets of stories! I wanna get better and the only way to improve is by doing

#kael.txt #been really thinking about pursuing full time writing as a career #and looking into critique groups and conferences and whatnot #I’d like to be done my first manuscript by the end of next year but I also fear I don’t have the skills to make it as good as I want yet #so here I am

[kaeldra]

I chopped like 5 inches off my hair last night on a whim and it feels so much healthier

#kael.txt #like I knew I had split ends but damn

[kaeldra]

god am I really thinking of going back to business school 🤡

#kael.txt #I hated it and yet…… #I kind of miss it #I want a degree

[kaeldra]

reasons I just made an optometrist appointment:

I want to take care of my vision ❌

I want to get colour contacts for cosplaying ✅

#kael.txt #why am I like this #I mean on the bright side I'll finally get that eye exam I've needed for years now