#Just go help a foundation :)

[thevirgodoll]

to all of my dolls finding themselves:

originality is the "aesthetic" you are looking for. individuality is the "it factor" you are looking for. from your personality, pieces, hair, cadence of voice...even down to your favorite foods or special interests. you aren't supposed to change every aspect about yourself to be more palatable for everyone you meet. that actually makes you BORING!!!

"but so and so is doing this" "but what if people don't like it" ... so??? don't take people disliking your aesthetic as a sign that you need to do something different. like, of course they don't like it or have second thoughts - it's because THEY wouldn't do it themselves because it wouldn't go with THEIR given aesthetic. HELLOO??????

unless they are like minded, stop asking other people to weigh in on the things you CLEARLY like about yourself. especially if it's a core personality trait or interest. your LIFE isn't a group project. your LIFE is not a co-op game.

and yes... people will try to force you to assimilate and follow the crowd by speaking misfortune on your rebrand, your expression, your hobbies, your chosen path out of jealousy. however, that jealousy is lowkey unspoken respect for the fact you have the candor to go against homogeneity.

your authentic dedication to everything that makes you YOU is what will bring you the illustrious life you so fervently seek in the end...not some book a celebrity wrote or a youtube video. it's in YOUR DNA to be a star already in anything you want to do.

there isn't one tutorial on this world wide web that will help you if you don't realize you have the components within you first. there is NOTHING wrong with you!!! you are EVERYTHING that is right already!!!

NEVER conform to the way they think you should shine.

#thoughts #i cant stand seeing a pack mentality i hate seeing ppl shy out of who they are esp neurodivergents #while it is to be expected and is a result of our age group as well as cultural factors especially collectivism #i cannot help but reiterate how harmful it is for everyone to move as if they are the SAME PERSON! you are not so and so and they are not u #yall both just have the same hair or skin or smth you are still YOU hello #inspo is everything and dreams are a foundation BUT make it ur oWN #we all gotta start somewhere but golly gee! PUT THAT STUFF TO REST! #the obsession everyone has with humbling someone who is being themselves is old and tired! KEEP GOING I BELIEVE IN U DONT LISTEN TO THEM. #words i needed to hear when i was younger #ok rant over

[goatpaste]

So what actually goes on in jojolion? What's that one about?

Ohhh brudder jojolion is probably my personal favirote jojo part

I love it so much, its unfortunately got some rough spots especially at the start with the character daiya. But as for the story at whole its really great

Its about a man who wakes up with no memories of you he is, where he came from, or why he was buried in the dirt. It's about the journey of this man as he discorves who he was to those around him before he lost his memories. It's about a man deciding who he wants to be in an ocean of perspectives of his character from others.

It's about family and the unbreakable bond with your mother no matter where you go and what happens. Even if that means doing things that no one else will understand or even hate you for doing.

#but as a real awnser #its about a man and a woman waking up in the garden of eden with the forbidden fruit #sorry dhsjsk #but its about gappy and his adventure to learn who he is after waking up with no memories #and finding reasons to fight beyond himself along the way #and about the family that adopts him and the curse their family name bears and the lengths some of them will go to in a chance to avoid fat #oh ans if your asking where my rock human wham fits in #they introduce a species thats identical to humans but can turn into rocks and stuff #it takes place in 2011 with josuke and yasuho #but theres a flashback af the end with joseph joestar and him moving to america to help lucy while she works at the speedwagon foundation #and mentions him meeting suzi q who works there ans them having their daughters #and i just wanted to expand wham into that for fun lol #the rock humans are like this universes take on the pillar men sorta kinda

[pastafossa]

I'm not sure if this was already asked, but if Jane had skipped town when she had planned to, would Matt ever forgive her? How would he react?

Ooooh, now this is an interesting question.

I definitely think there's a small part of him that never would have forgiven her for it, especially since he'd already had a few vulnerable moments with her where he'd opened up and she, seemingly, had opened up with him, too. But mostly, it would have simply... broken that part of him that felt hope, that felt that maybe, just maybe he deserved to have someone care about him, or even love him one day, because he'd have read her letter - the kinder one, the gentler one, the one that said without saying, 'I could see myself loving you if I stayed.'

Ironically, despite her intentions - that she leave him a kinder letter, one that was honest and told him how much she cared for him - reading that letter after dhe left would have broken an entirely different part of him.

The loss of her, the idea that he'd been left alone again by someone who might have loved him, would have been all the proof he needed that he was a fuckup, that everyone in his life that he cared about was destined to leave him. He'd spiral, spiral right down into the decision that all he could do was leave them first before he hurt them so bad or put them in so much danger that they left him behind and, subconsciously, before they hurt him like the loss of his parents had, like Stick and Elektra and now Jane had by walking away. He'd retreat in on himself, curling up tight around that hurt and hiding behind the ferocity, darkness, and rage of the Devil because that seemed like the only way he could protect himself from being abandoned again when he wanted so, so desperately to have just ONE person who might... love him. It would have been a ticket to the S3 mindset basically, but because Karen and Foggy at that point didn't know about Daredevil, and because he hadn't met Maggie yet, no one really would have been in a decent position to help drag him up out of that spiral.

And Stick knew that, which is exactly why he tried to talk Jane into leaving, and why he gave her that letter to ensure she truly broke the more gentle, tender part of Matt. He knew this would push Matt into the mindset Stick wanted: that Matt was meant to be alone, that there was nothing for him but his 'duty', and there was certainly no room for friends, for lovers, or family.

One day it's possible he would have pulled himself out of it, and by then he likely would have forgiven her - either because he recognized she ran for fear of Cyrus, or because he simply blamed himself instead of her - but either way, if that domino had tipped, a part of him never really would have recovered or felt safe reaching for that kind of gentle connection again.

#the red thread #it's not something i ever confirmed in canon but in my head that's basically what would have happened #he'd just experienced Claire kinda backing away from friendship and her being hurt 'because of him' so he was in a VERY vulnerable position #which he shared with Jane. like he OPENED UP to her and he was finally feeling like... accepted and cared for #and so when you consider where he was mentally/emotionally #and his prior history #it would have taken him a looong time to claw his way up out of that darkness if he ever did #and even if he did he'd always have a wound there #one that never really healed over #especially if he'd read her letter that explained her feelings for him #because that letter and what happened after in the warehouse was sort of the 'soft' beginning of their real relationship #I intentionally set it up so there's no real point you can look at and go 'ah it started here'. it was a gradual thing. a blur #but that moment was foundational where that blur really started #and so yeah if that moment had gone the OTHER way #...poor matt #basically #(not that jane would be much better off but that's another story since she'd have been captured by cyrus without matt's help later)

[septembersghost]

"(and take a guess at who destroyed the professional affinity they built with him" is this the colonel? jfc I keep hating that man

who else? leiber and stoller initially didn't know who elvis was and had some preconceived judgment in place (which happened to him a lot), but then once they actually met with him, they were impressed and developed a rapport. elvis wanted them to be in the studio when he recorded. they had suggestions and encouragement for him, about songs, about his career, and parker didn't like that, was threatened by the idea of them getting in the middle, or worse, giving him ideas (this would repeat throughout his life, it's not dissimilar to what happened with steve binder). the colonel eventually destroyed the relationship they built by sending leiber and stoller a blank page and calling it a contract as an intentional slight. they told him exactly what they thought of that, and never worked with elvis again.

longer details from here

"Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller were like the rap artists of the early '50s, pushing buttons, inviting scorn and testing the limits, as rock roared into being from its roots as blues and rhythm and blues. They were writing music for black artists, when one of their songs, Hound Dog, was heard by a young Elvis Presley. His adaptation turned it into a No. 1 hit and helped aim Leiber and Stoller toward the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

They wrote 20 songs for Elvis until the brash young songwriters had a falling out with Colonel Tom Parker, the Svengali they now remember as a 'bully' and a 'foul, greedy' man who helped destroy Elvis. But the estrangement didn't change their respect for Elvis.

'We feel that Elvis Presley was the high water mark of the 20th Century. He's legend. No, he's myth. He's in that celestial place for mythological figures. At the time, we just thought he was a white kid trying to make it as a singer', says Leiber, the man who supplied the words as lyricist of one of the worlds' best-known songwriting duos.

Leiber and Stoller originally met in 1950, sharing a love of the blues and boogie woogie. They were writing for black artists, their earliest songs recorded by Jimmy Witherspoon, Little Esther, Amos Milburn, Charles Brown, Little Willie Littlefield and, among others, Willie Mae 'Big Mama' Thornton.

It was for Big Mama Thornton that they wrote Hound Dog in 1952. Her version came out in 1953 and was adapted by several groups. Stoller had gone to Europe with royalties from some of those early songs and was on his way home aboard the Andrea Doria when it sank in 1956.

Rescued by a lifeboat, Stoller arrived in New York with Leiber yelling from the dock: 'We've got a smash hit'. 'I said, 'You mean Big Mama Thornton's record?' He said, 'No, some white kid named Elvis Presley'. Elvis had heard Hound Dog in a Vegas Lounge by a group called Freddie Bell and the Bellboys', says Stoller.

Elvis' recording of Hound Dog was released in July of 1956 and bounded up the charts, selling millions of copies. Released the same year as Heartbreak Hotel, it put Elvis on TV and turned him into a phenomenon.

After Elvis' great success with his version of Hound Dog, Paramount Studios and music publishers Hill and Range selected additional Leiber and Stoller songs for Elvis' 1957 film Loving You. It was on April 30, 1957 while working on the movie Jailhouse Rock that Elvis first met Leiber and Stoller. They were skeptical of meeting the newcomer, thinking he was a country bumpkin. However, they were very impressed when upon meeting and talking to Elvis that he was very knowledgeable of R&B music and could discuss its nuances in great detail. They went on to work closely with Elvis on the Jailhouse Rock soundtrack with Stoller appearing in the film playing the piano for Elvis' character. After an incident of pitching songs and movie ideas directly to Elvis and not going through the usual chain of command with Elvis' manager, Colonel Tom Parker, they had a falling out with Parker and essentially ended their collaboration with Elvis. Fast-forward to 1960, they did write a couple of songs that were in the running for inclusion in Elvis' first post-army movie, G.I. Blues, but, ultimately they were not used. Although the direct collaboration ended, Elvis did choose several additional Leiber and Stoller tunes to record over the years.

'We were completely unconscious of what it might imply. We were just doing numbers', says Leiber. Stoller says those numbers were unfamiliar to white audiences because he and Leiber had written 'almost exclusively for black performers, so we wrote in a black idiom. People started thinking it was entirely new, but the base we started from was the blues and boogie woogie'.

Stoller says they didn't specifically tailor songs to that early Elvis persona but began by supplying songs they had already written, like Love Me, a ballad they had already recorded. 'Then we were asked to write for a movie, Loving You, with Elvis and Lizabeth Scott'. The next project, Jailhouse Rock, included four songs Leiber and Stoller wrote while held captive in a New York hotel.

They had been living in Los Angeles, and Stoller says they rented a New York hotel suite with a piano in the living area. 'We were given a script for the movie and kind of tossed it in the corner. We were having a ball in New York, going to jazz clubs, cabaret, going to the theater and hanging out. Finally, Jean Aberbach who ran Elvis Presley Music knocked on the door and said, 'Well boys, where are my songs?' I think Jerry said, 'Oh, Jean, you're going to get them'. Jean then pushed a big overstuffed chair in front of the door and said, 'I'm not leaving until I get my songs'.

They wrote four songs in five hours, including Jailhouse Rock, the movie's title song and Treat Me Nice, both major hits.

After that, Elvis 'wanted us in the studio with him whenever we recorded', says Stoller. It was part of Elvis' 'perfectionist' tendencies in the early stages of his career, says Jerry Schilling, a member of Elvis' Memphis Mafia. Leiber says Elvis 'was like an Olympic champion. He could do 40 to 50 takes. I never saw him happier than when he was on a microphone, performing'.

Both songwriters say that studio time was their primary contact with Elvis, who was kept at arm's length from them by Colonel Parker. Stoller says Elvis once asked, 'Mike, could you write me a real pretty ballad?' Over the weekend, they wrote the song Don't for him and handed it to him only to be berated by Parker.

'He was upset that I handed a song directly to Elvis. They didn't want anybody to have direct access to Elvis. It was like Elvis was kept kind of in a glass box and away from contact except for the Memphis Mafia. They were like paid companions'.

Like almost everyone else, they also had little contact with Parker himself. 'The longest I ever spent with him was a dinner at the Beverly Hills Hotel around 1956, after Hound Dog', says Stoller.

The breaking point for them came when Leiber was recovering from a bout with pneumonia about two years later, and Parker ordered them to California to write songs for a new movie project. Leiber explained that he had just been released from the hospital and was unable to travel. 'Parker said, 'You'd better get your ass out here'. He then sent a packet with a contract for them to sign. Leiber says he pulled the contract from the packet and found only a dark line across the middle of a blank page for his signature.

'I called and said, 'I think you made a mistake. There's no contract in here'. He said, 'Don't worry about that, boy. Just sign your name, and I'll fill it in later'."

"Jerry Leiber: I called and asked to speak to (Colonel) Tom. He got on the phone and said (Leiber imitates Parker) 'How you doin' boy?' I said, 'I'm OK. I had a real close call there. I had walking pneumonia and I just got out of the hospital.' He said he wanted me to pack right away and catch a plane. I told him I wasn't in any shape to catch a plane because I'd just gotten out of the hospital. He said, 'If they let you out, that means you're all right'. I told him I needed a day or two to get myself together, but he said the schedule was very tight and he needed me to come out right away.

Then he said, 'Did you see the contract yet?' I said, contract?' He said, 'I'm sure it's there by now. It's a contract covering the forthcoming movie and soundtrack album. You better take a look, sign it and send it back. So I hung up, took the contract out of one of the manila envelopes, and saw nothing but a blank page. Nothing was written on it except two lines at the bottom where Mike and I were supposed to sign our names.

I thought they had made a ridiculous blunder. I called Parker's secretary and said, 'There's been a mistake', she said, 'Let me get Tom.' Colonel Parker got on the phone and I told him, 'There's a piece of paper here with two places for signatures, but the contract is missing'. He said, 'There's no mistake - just sign it'. Then he said, 'Don't worry. We'll fill it in later'.

I got off the phone with Parker and immediately called Mike. I told him, 'Breaking up with the Presley outfit is like throwing away a license to print money. After all this work, I really hate to do it, but I am really offended' (When I was on the phone with Parker, I almost told him that I wasn't one of his 'okie dokies'). I told Mike I didn't want to work with this jerk anymore.

I asked Mike, 'How do you feel about this?' Now Mike is a very measured and modest with very good manners. He paused for a moment, and then he said, Jer ....tell him to f**k himself!'

So I called Colonel Parker back and said, 'Tom, I thought about what you told me'. He said, 'Good! What time are you gonna get here?' I said, 'Tom, I spoke to Mike about the contract, and he told me to tell you to go f**k yourself'.

I hung up, and I never spoke to him again."

"Like many others, [Leiber] wondered about Parker's hold on Elvis. 'I think he (Elvis) had a very weak father and didn't get a sense of what a father was like. Parker came along, and his attitude was, 'Do this, do that, and I'll take care of everything'. Parker became his surrogate family'."

"Leiber: Of course, the Colonel wasn't really a colonel. He was Thomas A. Parker, whose former job as a carnival barker defined his personality. He had a definite shtick ('Pick a number from one to ten'). He told dozens of canned jokes. I can't remember any of them except that they weren't funny. But it didn't matter that we didn't laugh, because the Colonel wasn't really conscious of us. Of course, he knew we were the songwriters of 'Hound Dog' and the new songs for Jailhouse Rock. He knew more hit songs for Elvis meant more money for him. Beyond that, though, he was more interested in putting on his own show than getting to know us.

He had his long cigar and his confected Southern accent. He was a nonstop talker whose ego was always on parade. He told us in great detail all he had done for Elvis - and all he intended to do.

'Elvis' he said, 'is going to be bigger than the president, bigger than the pope'.

Naturally we agreed.

Stoller: The Colonel had the kind of energy that sucked all the air out of the room, even the dining room at the Beverly Hills Hotel. I had little interest in the man. Elvis was the guy we were eager to meet.

The session was due to start later that week.

Leiber: My heterosexual credits have long been established, so I can comfortably say that the first thing that hit me when I walked into the recording studio and found myself standing next to Elvis Presley was his physical beauty. Far more than his pictures, his actual presence was riveting.

He had a shy smile and quiet manner that were disarming."

"Stoller: It's important to remember that on the day we met Elvis, he was twenty-two and we were twenty-four. We were contemporaries. Remember, too, that Jerry and I shared the uppity view that he and I were among the few white guys who knew about the blues.

In the first five minutes of conversation with Elvis, we learned we were dead wrong.

Elvis knew the blues. He was a Ray Charles fanatic and even knew that Ray had sung our song 'The Snow Is Falling'. In fact, he knew virtually all of our songs. There wasn't any R&B he didn't know. He could quote from Arthur 'Big Boy' Crudup, B.B. King, and Big Bill Broonzy.

Leiber: When it came to the blues, Elvis knew his stuff. He may not have been conversant about politics or world history, but his blues knowledge was almost encyclopedic. Mike and I were blown away. In fact, the conversation got so enthusiastic that Mike and Elvis sat down at the piano and started playing four-handed blues. He definitely felt our passion for the real roots material and shared that passion with all his heart.

Just like that, we fell in love with the guy."

"'Whenever I record' he said, 'I want you guys in the studio. You're the guys who make the magic'."

"When Elvis returned (after a studio break), his head was down and his demeanor totally changed.

'I'm really sorry, Mike', he said, 'but you're gonna have to leave. The Colonel came in and he doesn't want anyone here but me and the guys'. 'Okay' I said, not wanting to make any more trouble. And with that, I left. The next day at the shoot I mentioned the incident to one of Elvis' Memphis buddies. 'Don't take it personally, Mike,' he said, 'It's just that the Colonel doesn't want Elvis to develop a friendship with anyone but us'."

#elvis presley #leiber and stoller #i could really yell here because it makes me so upset and angry but #i was reading something with sheree north who liked him so much and wanted to help him and she referred to the mm as “the goons” #they did what they were instructed to do under the auspices of it being somehow better for elvis but it wasn't #he wasn't some thing to be managed he was a human being and an artist with aspirations #it just breaks my heart how that was thwarted or suppressed or exploited over and over again #anyway shout out to elvis australia they do so much and have such informative pages <3 #this was one of the earliest stories i read when i started digging into the foundation of his career #anonymous #letterbox #total aside but the number of guys who go “i'm totally straight but he was breathtaking” is endless and always makes me giggle #sorry the formatting on this is awful i did it on mobile somewhat unsuccessfully #i was a dreamer

[go-to-the-mirror]

There needs to be a shinigami eyes for websites and social medias that are like normal about people with personality disorders. Bc if I see one more website talk about narcissistic abuse like it’s a real thing, I’m going to lose it.

#and if you think narcissistic abuse is a real thing #the unfollow button is right there #tbh just block me because id probably want to block you #ableism #landscaping your mind chapter one #anyway this is @ the cptsd foundation #like i dont know much about npd #(but im trying to learn) #and like… hhhh it’s just. maybe. stigmatising this personality disorder is a bad idea #and not going to help #and maybe emotional abuse is RIGHT THERE as a term #bloody cptsd foundation #MAYBE LIKE. IF THE ABUSER IS MENTALLY ILL AND YEAH ABUSERS CAN BE MENTALLY ILL #YOU SHOULDNT WRITE OFF EVERYONE #OR EVEN THE ABUSER #AS UNFIXABLE AND AWFUL #AND EVERYONE IS ABLE TO CHANGE AND GROW EVEN THE ONES THEY HURT NEVER FORVIVE TJEM #AND BY CALLING IT NARCISSISTIC ABUSE ITS BOTH CALLING PPL W/ NPD AWFUL AND UNFIXABLE AND INHERENTLY ABUSIVE #AND SAYS THE ABUSER IS AWFUL AND UNFIXABLE #AND NONE OF THAT BLOODY HELPS #if anyone disagrees or wants to talk about what ive said without being ableist feel free

[treasureplcnet]

do you have any drawing tips? i'm just starting out and your style inspires me to keep going fr!!

HIYA !!! thank you that is so kind of you, i would say to keep drawing with references and do studies!! typically art studies (in like art school lol) are of old masters (da vinci, etc) but doing studies of styles that you like, like trying to copy a certain artist you like, also helps you develop skills !!

for example, lots of people (especially fanartists lol) do studies of artists like leyendecker while making the models their favorite characters/ocs, so it helps to make studies fun. literally look up leyendecker study on tumblr dot com and you will see hundreds.

(gets a bit long and rambly so i've thrown it under the cut :')

style studies can be anything! above was done while watching wolfwalkers, just loose sketches that copied the style as the movie went along. i love the design and style in that film, wanted to incorporate it in my character design work, so i tried it out myself! it let me know the kinds of shapes used in the construction, the way it moves (wrt to animation) and silhouettes. by copying something, you learn how to do it on the way (so the kinds of colors used, what works best with shading, etc) it's like. reverse engineering

even very loosely copying something to identify what you like about the style helps! these were modelled after the way slimsense on ig paints (her work is 2nd + 4th examples below, my attempts at 'paint' 1st and 3rd lol), but doesn't really look like her work. i'm not necessarily trying to make perfect copies. i liked that her paint didn't blend perfectly, was blocky, and the additional lineart over the painting, so i brought that into my own art. i tried to create a painting style that was 'my own' off of lots of trial and error, and seeing what stuck!

also find brushes you like! adobe has a bunch on their page (if you have photoshop, but i know there's some for procreate and other programs) and if you want the adobe brush files, lmk. i will send a drive link to you LOL (sketches of the same characters, using different brushes below. the two i used the most often, one being a solid inker and the other being a paintbrush)

generally doing figure drawing is good too. i've heard advice about art where you can only start breaking the rules after you understand them, and a good grasp on anatomy, proportions, etc is definitely a good place to start! good sites to use for this are line of action for poses, and the morpho books (if you need pdfs of this let me know, though you should be able to find them if you look lol) !

i would also say learn perspective early on. i have no tips for you here i am so sorry. i didn't and now it bites me in the ass, but there has to be a youtube tutorial for this out there that can help you AND me. same goes for color theory. quickly dropping my favorite van gogh quote of all time:

(quote is from a letter to his brother) just everyone needs the fundamentals first. don't worry about a personal style: that just comes naturally as you develop as an artist, and i was certainly inspired by a lot of the things i watched/consumed and artists i admired which absolutely shows in my work i think (manet. western comics. fma. avatar. pjo fanart. there are tells. you know how it is.)

also flip your canvas !!! like see below ... frankly this marcille is so lopsided (her entire face should shift to the left) LOL !! flipping horizontally makes the anatomy mistakes obvious, and shows you you what you need to fix. i should never have posted this as is but sometimes it works for humor and an artist is lazy </3

AND ALWAYS USE REFERENCES WHEN YOU CAN!! i should use more references tbh!!! it helps with posing, getting anatomy correct, etc, and my friends use pinterest a lot, though i tend to just google when i need to LOLLL

also draw what you like. there is genuinely nothing that is better for your art than getting into something REALLY BAD and then non stop drawing it. time + practice will lead to improvement no matter what the subject is!

i hope this was not too much information all at once !!! and some of it is helpful!!! it's a lot of basic improvement tips that i try to practice and use when i can :) so sorry that this got so long!!!!

#everyone and their mother is doing leyendecker studies like i should do one too #i would also kind of say 'find out how you like to draw' #i feel like lots of artists start by thinking you have to be able to do perfect realism but its not necessarily true #realism ofc helps. like ive said. its the foundation to start and it's good to know proportions and such #but if you realise you like to paint more like a impressionist than a preraphaelite . then its fine! just keep creating! #textposts that are like 'you should be creating for yourself and possibly 5 others who are into the same niche shit as you' #its true!!!!!!!! #this is actually so rambly. if this is not what you meant please let me know #i am also still learning and trying to get better. grind never stops. the only grind im happy to keep going at #answered #anon #also ok not sure also if there are manet tells . like there honestly arent but still. his art changed me. #ok goodnight. i shouldnt be awake. best of luck anon :)

[hungerpunch]

fun fact 12 step programs were developed by two white christian men in 1930s america

#clenching my jAW #it's so hard bc it merits a much more nuanced discussion than tumblr writ large will ever go for #12 steps work for a lot of people! #but they also don't work for a lot of people! #they were developed through a very particular lens! and a lot of it is about breaking down one's own ego #guess who doesn't have the ego of white american men in the 1930s? hmm...... #nvm the religious foundation.. you can tell me that 'god' can be anything all you want but it does not erase the moral bent of the program #and then every other variation of 12 steps just copy/pastes the same fucking structure #i think they're good in the sense that it can help you find community right #and i'm not going to devalue the importance of feeling like you're not alone #but that's about theeee only thing i got out of naranon #i thought adult children of might be different but no it feels exactly the same #and it's honestly extremely triggering to read 'you have a victim mindset' when i've spent over a year's work with my therapist to finally #acknowledge myself as a victim for the first time! #fuck offfffff. okay rant over. #driveby post #addiction

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

really only tangential to your post but an Incredible story which focuses on River not trusting the Doctor is World Enough and Time, not the TV one, an audio with the same title, where she meets Six and like… very much seems not to know whether he is going to have the morals of the Doctor she knows. She thinks he might be voluntarily cooperating with the bad guys (he’s not, he’s just an idiot) and she even believes he’s left her to die. & like given the points you were making about the Doctor/River relationship… this story makes me extra crazy

oh man that sounds fun!! ive listened to a number of rivers diaries but mostly just with doctors i know so i havent heard this one but Oof, i might just go put it on my phone now

#ive been kinda avoiding audios with doctors i havent watched on screen yet but now im like maybe it doesnt matter #does it matter? if i meet them in audio first? #i feel like bc stuff like books and comics and big finish are so...derivative? in a literal way not in a pejorative way #that it always kinda works better to have experience with the foundation first if that makes sense? #bc like whoevers writing that stuff is working off of whats on screen #so it makes sense to me to watch that first to know what theyre responding to #but. maybe it doesnt matter and i can just listen to stuff #i meani dont think it makes a Huge difference #but just to like. have some idea of what a doctor is like on screen and like their timeline and stuff. helps i think #idk #im talking to myself #but imight go listen to this one #thanks for letting me know abt it!

[rubberbandballqueen]

i just think that as a chemistry major i shouldn't be forced to take biology classes that expect me to memorize the everything to pass. i need some kind of "biology for chemistry majors" where they emphasize the techniques a living thing has at its disposal to remain at homeostasis and then look at how all these parts come together to form a complex living organism undergoing constant holistic processes to remain at equilibrium. i don't need to know what a golgi apparatus is called i just need to know how it serves its function in the complex process of transforming A into B

#had to google golgi apparatus just now to know what it does (process lipids n protiens apparently) i haven't been in a bio class since 2016 #my classmates in o chem would usually conplain to me abt the bio classes forcing them to memorize a bunch of #species that fall under certain taxonomic classifications bc their specificities Would show up on the exam #n i'm just like. that is a horror show. why do i need to be able to id 36 types of mollusks. #i'm probably Also like this bc i haven't taken a bio class since 2016 unless you count high school physiology then 2018 #the worm speaks #my thoughts on academia are pretty much always 'this sucks please let me test into the very specific credentials i want' #bc academia tends to assume that the things i wanna research are the things i wanna teach but that is actually untrue #mostly bc my fave parts of chemistry are the very foundational things n what i like abt teaching it is that you have to balance #accuracy with generality so that new students don't get totally lost in the details of it all or spend too much time focused on a niche #my interest in discussing w/experts mostly extends out to 'okay tell me the new findings. ooo cool i'll incorporate that' #'good luck with your problem tho' no interest in helping out with specifics. only interested in being able to communicate knowledge #the stuff i'd have more interest in discussing and researching lie more in the arts. i do love discussing a good symbolism #probably bc i can also accept that there's never really one exact answer! like what if i do a stem research and then im just Wrong. #art and the human condition on the other hand!! let's go let us gather the Contexts and then Discuss!!!

[oldyears]

job postings will require a candidate to be a graduate of specific programs but demand years of work experience and it’s so ?? because shouldn’t the work background be sufficient to prove one’s capability? and when employers say fresh grads are welcome to apply they still prefer someone with one year of work experience on top of preferring those who completed certain disciplines likeeee no one wins!!!! and why don’t they consider university years as experience... u think it was fun paying money for four years to learn the very thing they’re asking for in a candidate only to not be considered bc it’s not ‘proper’ work experience like Huh!!!!!

#like yes there are differences in academic vs work demands in terms of skills and abilities #but obvs.... going to university helped build that foundation?? hello?? #idk im getting frustrated w job hunting cause my cv is actually pretty good for a fresh grad #but it's like no one wants to give fresh graduates a chance at all LOL esp since i have a bfa in creative writing #i just want work exp before i pursue post-grad <//3 and money haha cause i know my parents won't support me anymore #moi

[quick-drawn]

i'm working on a much longer hc post right now but an unrelated thought popped into my head: i've stated before that cassidy has near perfected his knot tying as a teen. a seemingly odd or random skill, but it's something he used often around the farm. while it sprouted out of necessity, he found it INTERESTING that there were so many different ways to achieve the same goal. he remembers them all to this day, still utilizes them often in his travels, and has even expanded on his knowledge throughout the years. ( do with that information as you will. ) another skill he was known around town for as a teen was his horseback riding. cassidy was three years old his first time on a horse — accompanied, of course, by his father. but ever since then it was hard to keep him away from the stables. there was an american paint horse left to the farm that he'd grow rather fond of — simply named LADY, she was the only animal he made sure to transfer when he moved to texas. lady was a great ranch horse, but she was also built for speed. you could often find the pair in town, hustling for a buck or two with petty bets on amateur races. however, put all these things together ? one thing cassidy could never get the hang of was lassoing, or roping. ESPECIALLY while on a horse. he was HORRIBLE at it growing up, and he can't rightfully say he's gotten any better at it in his later years.

#✯ — [ ʷᵃᵗᶜʰ ᵃᶰᵈ ˡᵉᵃʳᶰ ] ⨯ headcanon #you heard it here first folks — #colton cassidy is a fake cowboy. #idk why my brain randomly thought about this. #i just remember writing it down somewhere before — YEARS ago. #but anyway: #he'll never admit that he's bad at it. #will even lie and say that he's THE BEST at it. #it was something that was considered foundational and basic in his home town — so it frustrated him that he couldn't grasp it. #it also wasn't very often he came across something that he COULDN'T do — even at that young age. #so going into it with that mindset didn't help either.

[bl00dw1tch]

It is so fucking funny how someone telling me to do something is the fastest and easiest way to get me to want to Actively grind my life back to halt instead.

#horse.txt #vent // #its dumb. im being dumb let me be clear. this is about getting a fucking job. writing my resume. my mom told me i need to #'start getting serious' about it #and i do. i do. #im just. ghhhh i feel like im going to fucking explode. its so easy its so easy everybody has to do it i dont get to be fucking special #but knowing that never fucking Means anything i can know that like its tattooed to my eyelids and it doesn't change the fact that #i have no idea what the fuck to do #i have lists and lists and lists of advice and tips and help and links and i appreciate them bc at least now i have a foundation to jump off #but i still can't fucking get through them #i cant figure it out. its right there but the second i start to try i run into some roadblock and i start freaking the fuck out #and then i cant fucking go back to it bc by then ive spent an hour crying and im too tired to do anything but sit and cry some more #i hate the fucking options here. i hate the options everywhete. i dont want to fucking work dude im just. im not fucking there #but theres no other fucking option and people get so fucking mean when you try to say that bc im just being fucking lazy lazy lazy #i dont know. if i am im not sure i care that much anymore #im just tired of feeling so fucking miserable and useless but it's hard to ignore because i just amm!!!!! #the only thing i can do better than some people is draw and the idea of doing That for a job makes me feel sick to my stomach #man. i dont know. idk #sometimes i just have to catastrophize things to get it out of my system . iygiygi #ill be fine #just might be a tense Christmas apparently.

[wings-of-angels]

WOOOOOOOOO JUST CAME BACK FROM A UNI OPEN DAY

#SO EXCITED #like i went there kinda feeling ehh about applying there #BUT IM SO EXCITED AND IM HOPEFULLY GONA GET INTO THE FOUNDATION YEAR #AND I TALKED TO SOMEONE FROM ADMISSIONS WHO NOW KNOWS. MY. NAME. #/pos #LIKE HAD MY NAME WRITTEN DOWN SO THEY CAN HELP ME OUT AND STUFF :3 #cos i have to submit a portfolio of work but since i did a creative writing class during my a levels i can just submit that #and i can do it early #and YEAH WOOO IM RLLY HOPEFUL ABOUT GETTING IN NOW #and the campus is laaaarge but its grown on me #like theres so much grass #and the english lit teaching looks phenomenal #anyway going immediately to sleep now im back home #but FUCK YEAH SO GLAD I DID THAT #its a long way away (7 hours by coach) but absolutely worth it

[rainswept]

working on something that will probably never see the light of day.. BUT IT LOOKS SO NICE i’m so sad.

#HSR is such a comfort for me i’m going to be honest #especially with huohuo being added? #like idk it’s just. giving me nostalgia to when i first started really getting into genshin #because the first character i ever wanted was hu tao #and they’re both.. spooky yk #augh.. i am so sad tonight for like no reason #i think i should just go to bed tbh that’s probably the issue #if anyone’s curious it’s a HSR network. because. i can’t help myself. but i am trying to help myself bc i already have st pavlov foundation #and the steambird (which isn’t a network but still) and i really… do not….. need to make another network…….. but i really want to #it’s something almost innate for me. every time i’d ever play a game with like #groups or guilds or clubs or whatever #any sort of thing like that #i would aaaaaalways make one. and i would have so much fun w it too. #it’s bled over into my tumblr life helppp #it was always a little bit unhealthy though. #like i would get SO invested into it that it would like. cause me stress. #which like.. isn’t good. #but i haven’t seen any purely HSR networks except for like 2 inactive ones and… #someone stop me actually. it’s the middle of the night. the sun is gonna come up soon. i need to sleep. not make choices. #i’m just gonna embarrass myself bye #especially if i keep rambling in the fucking TAGS ok i’m shutting up now #sorry followers/moots #byebye #me talking to myself like “see .. u literally have this in ur drafts rn.. u could just delete it” but then i go “but i already spent #x amount of time rambling and ppl could just like.. skip over this if they want to so why does it matter” #haha x amount of time. like x from the game reverse 1999 #stop i’m so tired goodbye I’M SO SORRY

[thefiresofpompeii]

i don’t want to kill myself but looking at the future sometimes i feel like i have no other option. i fucked it up too far without anticipating consequences and it’s too late to make a change or strive towards any kind of hopeful meaningful existence. there is no way out for someone like me who has nothing going for them, squandered any opportunity, any talent, everything that was handed to them on a silver platter. no interesting personality traits, no aptitudes, nothing to make up for the gaping void where motivation and will to live and thrive and put in effort towards a goal should be. even the most basic steps are a pipe dream. i don’t want to die because i fear the possibility of hell but i no longer see any tolerable way of living.

#i reread parts of mark fisher’s capitalist realism last night and i know it’s unhealthy for theory to cement your own depressive spiral but #i’m thinking of him. even an accomplished thinker and it’s all the fucking same #i’m goinh to listen to swans and cry. i skipped class again and for fucking what #notice how it’s all i i i i i. i have no community no support network no close friends no partner nothing #only my parents who are affluent enough to support me financially but that support is conditional because if #they knew about what i was really like and even parts of my identity that support would be cut off and because i #have no marketable skills i would be left penniless to beg on the street #how long can i keep pretending to be cis and depending on them for vital necessities? until i’m 22? 25? #dropping out isn’t even an option because a bachelors’ degree is prerequisite to getting ANY job that pays above minimum wage but i #feel no passion for the subject i’m studying despite it being literally one of the only things i used to be GREAT at (media analysis; so — #lit major; on foundations for liberal arts; which should be all about PASSION FOR THE SUBJECT) #i’m teetering on the precipice of a steep cliff that drops down into the abyss of abject poverty with no way out #i don’t know what i enjoy doing; what to dedicate my resources and energy to; if i have none left. i don’t even smoke or drink or do drugs #it’s just sober suffering in silence. of course the meds don’t fucking help; meds can’t alter the world around us or our circumstances #this fucking close to going out and buying a rope. i have free will :)) hell can’t be real; it can’t be. worst that could #happen is reincarnation and honestly i could go for a second chance #jamie.txt #tw suicidal ideation