#It was the easiest thing to use and now I have to delete cuz they decided they wanted to break their shit

[madfantasy]

Dear blogging

Wish you peace, always. Considering all, it been extra rough. My guardians were sick, and my fragile of a stability was about to break— but it okay now, and the pendulum of consciousness returned swaying in my head.

Somehow in the middle of everything, I was starting to feel okay and accept that this is the best it can get for this non verbal Mani. I honestly I stopped living as if there was tomorrow maybe the majority of 2023, zero drive or hopefulness, and lately started to accept that there's no denying that I'm not made to survive this life, and dropped all pretence that I'm able, set a 5 years counter. Because if mere looking at people's faces distress me so much that I blank out &/or go mute, since childhood, no amount of me forcing myself to watch videos/ pictures over and over can fix that. That's simply how I'm made and I know that now, and in a way it's bringing me peace.

Because I thought I'm bratting when I wore my headphones to cancel out noise that were literally going to drive me insane, or when I couldn't respond to messages knowing that I can articulate deeply in writing but ignoring all the endless times when I simply couldn't, and have forced myself to eat many things that set me days in nausea and abdominal pain while I only enjoy liquids more and get high off of fruits, I love them so much half my OCs are named after some.. and drew.. drew even before I spoke because it was my only outlit to express because how much I'm told I'm like a robot, I'm so expressionless and non reactive and disgustingly literal, even when they actively beat me black Nd blue to stop drawing, I couldn't.. where do you free those emotions when U can, i needed emotion displays and heartfelt trimmers, thrilling or killing, I needed to do them as if my life depended on it, and I haven't realised it back then, but my life was dependent on them, even when I had 'no talent ' , as I have always been told.

(commissioned by precious Julia ♥️🖤)

And besides drawing my needs, I actually, physically, started to feel better when I didn't do what my body said it literally can't do, all my life:

-Walked away from my guardians arguments, my chest stabbing pains became less frequent.

Stopped "practicing" my voice &/or facial expressions, I talk for 2 minutes, immediately my whole face muscles hurt, voice is cracking and gone, I don't feel like my eyebrows hurt as much. I'm okay being the monotone no expresso train c:

-stopped eating what I "don't like" (I mean it's not like I have much choice, but stopped feeling guilty over refusing it cuz food be tight) Nd now I can actually drink more water, and my tummy aches are on lower levels now

-i stopped dealing with Discord, or group chats in general cuz I don't expect accommodation over things I can't deal with. Stopped stressing over doing engaging material that no body seems to care about, cuz I'm not a good judge of demand, or stressing over either I should be thanking everyone who spams me with likes or not, (while I appreciate it to the moon) 90% of the time they don't respond Nd Im forced to think like I've done something wrong. I'm now at more ease with posting — (literally I have to fight the urges to delete my socials daily) just with interacting with who addresses me (I lov U guys sm) and I've been more relaxed from it.

I returned to "speaking in riddles" cuz if I don't use the words my brain spews no matter how weird they R, a tire will pop somewhere on the other side of an AU- idk lo'

-i rock, hum and laugh OUT my maniacal laugh, hard and strong, continued loving and talking to my plushies as I used to do, the easiest thing I could do to feel calmer again. As everyone should do

.. I stopped saying the word sorry. It's a naughty Mani era.

Accepting these facts and many, even with having no will to live had me saner than I ever been, at least I hope so.

I just know that I have a few to be grateful of: that I'm still here somehow, even with my dwindling income, Nd my internet not worth costing 120$± I'm always grateful for the sudden one or two commissions that keeps me here and buys me coffee and pumpkins seeds..

I still struggle horrindously with sleep. But I'm grateful at least I'm at pure ease playing games. Games been my go to media for knowing basically all based on books they were made about, like Severus and Tintin, I still play their ps1 games! Tho I got stuck on this game & their sleep has given me so much ease lo

I'm at my happy place rn, heh.

Bonus panel: ye they R hungry for that SHI- lo 🙈

And an honorary appearance of my OC with Tintin hehe

Stay safe, don't feed the overconsumption machine, don't give up on your heartstrings's stringers, don't worry— there are people who think and feel like you always between the crowds, and I'm thankful that I share the same timeline with you♥️🖤

Sweet dreams 🌃 19.2.2024

#text #drawing journey #non binary artist #on the spectrum #personal

[mikalara-dracula]

💚 For Reiji plssss

What it's like to text Reiji

Warning: 18+ content below; don't read if you're a minor or aren't comfortable with slight NSFW. This is a fictional work and should not be taken seriously.

Hi there!

Sure thing! Thank you so much for requesting! Hope you enjoy reading it. Feel free to request again anytime! :)

@liannelara-dracula - bruh, the memes in this tho xDD

Omg, to even be a contact in Reiji’s phone is a privilege, let alone an honor since he isn’t going to keep just anyone in his contact list.

And depending on who he’s texting, his formality either elevates or drops.

However, not to the degree that he uses text language like ‘wyd’ or ‘btw’.

He just doesn’t like it, he feels like he’s losing his class by using abbreviations for phrases and such.

He absolutely hates the term ‘lol’--he simply can’t wrap his head around it.

“Honestly, humans spent centuries developing their language and then they cut it down into atrocious phrases like this.”

Now onto how his texting style varying based on who he’s texting.

So, if he’s texting a stranger, such as someone he got assigned to be partners with from class for a project and he’s genuinely okay with them, he’s very formal.

Like, too formal. If he has to start a conversation over text, he’ll begin it with, ‘I hope this message finds you well…’.

Which is just… odd… considering the world’s in the modern age now.

His brothers tease him about getting with the times, especially Ayato and Laito. They’re constantly on his case about this, but he brushes them off and tells them they’re wrong and that only ‘classy’ people like him text this way.

“What would imbeciles like them understand? It’s patently offensive to text with no effort.” He’d say, pushing up the bridge of his glasses.

Reiji is usually pretty fast at getting back to people and never tries to lag because he finds it ‘imperfect’ and ‘lazy’.

“That good for nothing keeps his contacts on read for days. How does he go on that way?” He’d comment towards a familiar, lazy vampire we all know.

Reiji also likes to keep the convo short with someone he barely knows, mostly because he doesn't know what to talk about considering he doesn't really know them and vice versa. He keeps it pretty polite and straight to the point in all honesty.

However, if he gets paired up with someone he doesn’t like and that he finds to be annoying, he’ll take his formality up a notch and even use words most people don’t know just to throw the other person off and show that he’s ‘more educated’ and ‘better’ than them.

Reiji isn’t the type to ghost, mostly because he doesn’t know how. So, if he’s texting someone he doesn’t like and they get into an argument of some sort, he’s not afraid to tell them what he thinks and just blocks them as a result.

“Good riddance.”

If he gets along with the person he had to do a project with, he debates on whether or not he’s going to still keep them as a contact after the project is over.

Mostly because he only wants to keep people that are up to his standards as his contacts--minus his brothers of course.

So, through talking to his class partner enough by working together on the project they were assigned, he tries to get to know them in order to decide if he wants to keep them in his phone.

After the project is over, if he sees that it isn't relevant to keep them in his contact list, he just deletes their contact.

Just know though, if Reiji does decide to keep someone as a contact in his phone, there’s something about them that he admires or that he finds interesting. If he gets along with the person and they’re up to his standards, he finds no harm in being friends with them.

It takes a lot to be considered his best friend. They seriously have to pass all his tests and prove him wrong. Yes, Reiji isn't the easiest person to deal with.

He'd prefer if the person is a vampire like him cuz they would understand each other better due to having the same nature. He wouldn't be too keen on being friends with a human, but then again, if they impress him enough, he doesn’t mind it.

If the new contact is a girl, he may have a crush on her, but he of course wouldn't admit that. It takes him a lot to come to that conclusion.

If he ends up becoming friends with his class partner, he’ll quit being very formal as he was before and be pretty casual, just no text language though.

Make no mistake though, he won't let them in too much--mostly because his life is pretty classified considering he’s Karlheinz’s son.

Now, if Reiji’s texting his best friend, things are a lot different.

He’s obviously been friends with them for ages and they very much understand each other. They’re probably a lover of science just like him.

He’ll usually text nerdy things like science memes--his favorites are probably all the Einstein ones xDD.

For example--(1), (2), (3), (4).

Okay, I’m literally laughing my ass off at these xDD.

Or they’ll even talk about science theories and joke about them over text if they were disproven at some point, or even a new experiment he’s working on.

It’s mostly lots of nerd talk really with his best friend. He might even send them a picture of a new china set he bought, but he of course makes it very aesthetically pleasing because he can’t stand raw light in photos lol.

Now when it comes to texting his brothers, it honestly depends on who it is, but he drops his formality with them and is pretty casual about conversation.

Has a group chat with them on his phone, but only uses it when he has to tell all of them something important.

He wants to block Shu so badly since Shu decides to be an ass and text him about things that annoy him, which includes him teasing Reiji about his crush if he has one.

Shu: ‘So… have you asked her?’

Reiji: ‘Asked her what?’

Shu: ‘Y’know... ;)’

With Reiji being confused, he’d just respond with: ‘...’

Shu also teases him about being boring and single and tells him he’s looking for too much. Will also send him memes about things like this too, along with ones about ghosts.

For example--(1), (2), (3), (4), (5).

Or Shu will be bold to say: *sends photo* ‘She’ll be in your room at midnight.’

And of course Reiji doesn’t hold back and tells him he’s a good-for-nothing and sends back memes about laziness or fire.

For example--(1), (2), (3).

And in response to Shu sending Reiji a picture of a ghost woman, he’d respond: *sends photo* ‘What your room will look like after midnight.’

It’s a never-ending battle in all honesty, and it gets so out of control that Reiji ends up cursing at Shu via text since he provokes him that much. It honestly makes Shu’s day knowing he’s able to make him pissed off this much.

Ah, the love between bros lmao xDD.

Luckily, this only happens from time to time.

But make no mistake, sometimes Reiji initiates these snappy virtual arguments with Shu too--it’s usually when Shu’s pissed him off in some way or Reiji needs someone to take his anger out on over something he’s upset about personally.

But other than this, they don’t text normally unless it involves something their father wants.

Even though he wants to block Shu, he knows he can't because they sometimes have to talk about things regarding family matters. So, it's utterly pointless.

Although, Reiji will periodically block the triplets because he grows tired of them and the trouble they cause him… but he ends up unblocking them later on. And the cycle only repeats from there.

Subaru doesn't really cause him trouble so Reiji doesn't care since they don't really talk. If Reiji ever asks him to do something it's not that much of a hassle.

Now, when it comes to texting his s/o, things are a lot different in comparison to his brothers.

It's honestly 50/50 on who starts the conversation, and he texts them pretty much every day.

He’ll talk about pretty much anything with his s/o, but bear in mind that he will be sharing what experiments he’s working on along with sending his s/o a picture of something he ordered in the mail.

Reiji even finds setting up dates via texting to be the easiest thing ever. He swears it’s better than the times where people had to plan rendezvous in person.

If his s/o sends him scandalous photos in hopes to get a reaction out of him, he leaves them on read because he doesn't know how to respond xDD.

Let me be frank and say that Reiji will never, and I mean NEVER, send nudes.

He finds them inappropriate, and he’d prefer to show his body to his s/o when getting intimate.

Reiji never uses emojis—he finds them to be juvenile and believes his words are enough to get his emotions and point across.

#diabolik lovers #diabolik lovers heacanons #reiji sakamaki #sakamaki reiji #anime #anime requests #anime headcanons #diaboys #dialovers

[robbybarnes]

Heyoooh! <3 How are you? I hope everything is okay! <33

Soooo, i need help for doing an a fanfiction about my MC's (Summer) daughter. I need some ideas on what Jake would do (I already have ideas, but I don't know how Jake would relate so I'll tell them here)

I want first to say sorry for my english, i'm from Italy and my english can be bad sometimes ^^"

But first, let me explain the story about my Oc (Azure, Summer's daughter):

Azure has always lived with Lilly, not knowing who her real parents are. She suffers from ADHD, is not doing well in school and is bullied and it almost seems like Lilly is losing hope. But one day she asks Summer and Jake if they want to meet her at the Aurora bar, Summer decides to tell Jake everything. Afterwards, Azure comes to stay with them for a few days but Azure doesn't seem to settle in because every time Jake tries to get close to her she runs away (she thinks she is too many, she also discovered that Summer is her real mom but not said nothing. And because she is shy as af xD).

Sooo i think you can understand the confusion ^^"

Here are my ideas, if you can think of some feel free to tell them! It would help me a lot <3:

- Azure, as I mentioned, runs away whenever Jake tries to get close. So what do you think Jake would do to try and gain her trust?- Azure have a Nymos hoodie, cuz she LOVE hacking! For her she doesn't know that Jake is Nymos, and I was thinking of Jake asking him (once he got close to her) if she likes hacking (If you have any other ideas as well)

- Azure has trauma, which causes her to age and panic attacks. Imagine when she is in their house and he has a panic attack at night but when Jake tries to help her she doesn't want to get help from him, what would Jake do in that case?

These are all the ideas i have at the moment ^^ But if you have some please tell me! I would love it and would help me a lot for my fanfiction. <3

I hope I didn't bother you, in that case, SO SORRY! ^^"

If you don't want to answer, don't answer, I think I've already asked you too much ^^"

I hope you have/had an a nice day! <3

Stay safe! <3

*Hug you* <3

Oh,well hi sweety! It's a really pleasure to help someone in needs ^^

I'm doing really well,thanks for asking😊😊

First of all,don't worry about your English. I'm Italian too,so if you prefer,you can always DM me and we can talk in Italian ^^ (Nessun problema quindi. Sono assolutamente al servizio se ti senti più a tuo agio con l'italiano. Messaggiami in privato e mi trovi sempre ^^)

So,getting to the story. First of all you really have a lot of imagination and I envy you a little. The plot of your story is very intriguing and I'm really curious to read it now!

Azure is a very complicated characters from what i just read. So she's MC and Jake's daughter,she doesn't know at the beginning but at a certain point of the story she will discover the truth.

So here's my options:

-From what you wrote Jake is unable to get to know Azure due to the girl's suspicious and introverted nature. Maybe something external could join them,for example,since Azure has bullying problems and loves to hack, at some point it could take revenge on some bully in the wrong way. Going to the wrong side, she would find herself forced to review her methods, then to seek help from Lilly,who,however,knowing nothing about computers,inevitably gets to contact MC and Jake to return to Duskwood to do something. In this way you will also be able to explain the reason for the meeting at Aurora. When Azure tells MC and Jake what she did, Jake will solve the problem,teaching her that there is a right way to do things and a wrong way. From there you may be able to develop a good relationship between the two.

-You said you'd like Jake to ask Azure if she likes to hack,only after the two get close...hacking is something in my opinion you should use as leverage to keep them close to each other. But if that's not how you decided,delete what I wrote earlier. Perhaps the easiest way to bond Azure with Jake is to humanize them. In the game Jake begins to open up to MC not because he has to,but because MC treats him for the first time in a very long time as a person. A person withemotions,desires,hobbies...Now,the Jake that you will describe,not only lived in isolation for a very long time before MC,but he also got to LIVE with her,which means he has a lot more in common with his daughter than any other person! She is very shy and perhaps, given Jake's past,there is a way he has to be able to cross this obstacle. It would be fun to see them texting on their cell phones while they are one step away from the other. But if this is the only way they have to communicate,it can be okay at first,right?

Hope this will help you ^^ in any case,don't worry and contact me with no fear. I'll help you for sure!

Have a great day/night and big hugs to you!

#lovely #duskwood fanfiction #new fanfiction #here to help #questions #duskwood #duskwood everbyte

[kodzuken-pie]

Hello ^^ do you think you can do a oneshot where the karasuni boys help Asahi get his crush’s favorite villager in Animal Crossing New Horizons? When he finally gives them the villager he just freezes and his crush goes “I’ll have to take you out on a date to thank you” or something like that, please and thank you! You can choose the villager but my fave is Merengue :)) If you don’t play/know the game though feel free to ignore this one!

——————————————————————————

[ A/N : big upsetti cuz my draft got deleted so I had to redo the whole thing ;) Also if I did what I had originally planned it would have reached 5k words...Hope you like it shortcake anon! ]

Pairing: Asahi x reader

Warnings : none

Word count : 3262

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Meringue? Merengue.

——————————————————————————

It was the weekend where the team planned to get away and get some rest and for something else. You would be spending the weekend with the entire volleyball team including Kiyoko, Yachi and y/n. All of you would be staying under one roof and although everyone either had their own room and is sharing the room with someone, you couldn’t help but get flustered over the fact that y/n was there with you guys. This weekend’s purpose was to throw y/n a party for their birthday and to find something to do or to give them.

All of you arrived there Friday night so you hadn’t expected to interact with them as much. Everyone was relaxing in the living room after putting their thing in their respective rooms.

“Wah! I’m hungry!” Sugawara complained, stretching his arms and legs.

“We don’t really have food here though.” Ennoshita sighed.

“Why don’t we go out and look around?” Nishinoya was still energetic.

“Alright then! Does anyone need to change or anything before we go?” Daichi said, standing up.

Everyone looked at each other and said they didn’t need to.  All of you went around the house to make sure nothing important was left behind. Daichi turned to everyone for last checks and then closed the door. The night air was cool and crisp, it was a bit welcoming due to the heat of the earlier weather.

“Asahi! Let’s walk together!” They say as they link their arm around yours.

“Oh. Ok.” You say and you instantly feel your heart beat faster.

“Shichigahama sure is pretty at night, don’t you think so?” They say cheerfully looking up at you.

“It sure does.” You smile back, nerves settling in.

All of a sudden Sugawara smacks your back making you turn to look at him, only to see him wink and give you a thumbs up. You turned your head so fast you swear it gave you whiplash. They laughed at the interaction which in turn made you laugh as well. 

The night went was filled with an adventure and you were thankful that Kiyoko was able to get y/n to come with you. You were able to get to spend time with them, learning new things here and there. At one point one of you had mentioned the game animal crossing. Both of you were ecstatic about the game that if you could, both of you would’ve talked all night about it.You actually almost did but you told them to get to bed when you noticed they were getting sleepy.

“Good night Asahi.” They said sweetly and quietly.

“G-good night y/n.” Your heart was a mess at this point.

You woke up the next morning with a new found sense of confidence. You had no idea where it came from but you were going to use this chance to get a bit more closer to your crush. They had told you the night before about their favorite villager in the game. You grab your switch and hunt down the team.

“Good morning Asahi!” Their bright voice startled you.

“Oh y/n morning! I didn’t think you’d be up already. You were pretty tired last night.” You say as you recompose yourself, hiding the console behind your back. “Uhm I’m going to look for Suga now.” You add sneaking away.

They curiously watched you walk backwards and shrug, going back to their room. You then went to look for the team all around the house and told them to gather in your room. A few minutes later, all of you were in your room and everyone was awaiting your question.

“So uh. I need your guys’ help.” You ask looking at your hands.

“With y/n right?” Sugawara went straight to the point.

“I mean it’s kind of obvious.” Daichi says.

“Oh? I’LL GLADLY HELP ASAHI-SAN” Hinata beamed.

“Oi BOKE! Keep your voice down or they’ll hear us!” Kageyama yelled at Hinata.

“Shh shh ok ok. So, uhm yeah.” You shush them. “So there is this game called animal crossing and I want to help them get their favorite character.” You add

“Oooh” Hinata was in awe.

“Their favorite character is merengue.” You say.

“Meringue?” Kageyama asked, tilting his head.

You take your phone out and look for the said character and show it to the boys.

“Oh. Merengue..” Kageyama seemed to take a mental note.

“So…. How do we get this character?” Ennoshita spoke up.

“There’s actually a few ways to do that but the easiest way is to get her amiibo card” You explain and they all listened with intent. “An amiibo card is essentially used to summon a certain character that you want.” you add.

“So then all we have to do is find merengue’s amiibo card?” Sugawara asked, putting his hand on his chin.

“Doesn’t that mean we would have to buy it?” Ennoshita asked.

“Ah yeah, we do have to buy it.” You say as you look down again.

They instantly knew what you were thinking. You knew that maybe you were being bothersome but you also just wanted to give something special to the person you like. The boys looked at each other and one by one they started to laugh. Startled, you look up and find the boys giving you a bright smile. Everyone teased you and made you smile, cheering for you.

“We have your back always Asahi-san!” Nishinoya beamed.

“T-thanks guys…” You let out a sigh and visibly relaxed.

“Now, we just have to look for that character's amino card, right?” Kageyama asked, typing on his phone.

“Found it.” Kinnoshita interjects, making everyone look at him. “What?” He says as he looks up from his phone.

“How did you find it so fast?” Narita asked, amazed.

“Oh well. I started looking around when Asahi-san said animal crossing amiibo card for merengue.” Kinnoshita answered while everybody looked at him in shock and amazement. “I found three sellers here in Shichigahama but it’s not a guarantee.” Kinnoshita adds.

“That’s a really good idea.” Daichi expectantly looked at Kinnoshita, feeling a little proud.

“Then that settles it! We’re going to go each and every seller and I’m hoping that they are different from each other!” You exclaimed. “If they are then I will buy them all!” You smiled widely.

You and the boys gather yourselves and make up an excuse to go out without the girls. The group split into three to make the search easier. The first group consisted of the third years including Kinnoshita, the second group consisted of the rest of the second years a.d the last group consisted of the first years. The first seller was the closest, it was also the location where the first years were sent.

*no luck here* Tsukishima texted you and you started to get nervous.

*Thanks Tsukishima!* You replied, staring anxiously at your phone.

The second location was a bit far but still close enough to the rented house to walk to. This was where the second years went. Your thoughts of hope went to them and you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket.

*Nothing here. Sorry Asahi-san* Ennoshita sent you the message and your heart tightened, losing hope.

*Thanks anyways!* You sent the reply quickly, brushing off the feeling of hopelessness.

You, Daichi, Sugawara and Kinnoshita were sitting in the bus on the way to the last seller. Your heart was beating out of your chest and you kept hoping and praying that this person had the amiibo card you needed. Your stop was getting closer and closer, which meant that the card was getting closer and closer to your possession.

“Ok so they said to meet them at the convenience store by the bus stop.” Kinnoshita announces as the four of you got out of the bus. 

“I see it, it's right there! We just need to cross the street.” Sugawara pointed at the store directly across the street. “Oh and I see someone waiting outside.” He added looking at the figure sitting on one of the chairs outside the store.

You squinted at the figure trying to make out their features but couldn’t. What you did notice was a big binder they had on the table and your heart started doing backflips. Nerves took over your entirety and you feel yourself shake, face turning pale.

“Asahi? What’s wrong? You don’t look so good.” Daichi asked as he turned to look at you, putting a hand on your shoulder. 

“Sorry, it’s just the other two groups didn’t have luck with getting the card and I'm just nervous. We had a purpose to go here and so far we haven’t had any luck.I just wanted to give them something I know they would really want for their birthday.” You let out a sigh and relax the shoulders, just noticing how tense they were.

“I have a good feeling about this one! Just look at how thick that binder is!” Kinnoshita said, trying to reassure you. “So why don’t we go and see what they have?” Kinnoshita smiles.

You look up and give everyone a small smile. Taking the lead you step forward and get ready to cross the street. As soon as you cross the street, you take a deep breath and try to relax even more. The group then started to walk towards the store and closer to the stranger. They were on their phone, earphones in. The four of you looked at each other and just stood there for a while. Daichi sighed and tapped on the stranger's shoulder. They turn around and smile.

“I’m guessing you guys are the one looking for merengue? My name’s Hina by the way!” they say with a small smile.

“Yes that would be us.” Daichi smiled politely at them.

“Not going to lie, I didn’t expect four guys to know about animal crossing.” Hina said suggestively. “But then again, it’s not highly unlikely.” They say softly.

“Oh well, I’m just trying to get her on my island.” You spoke up, putting your hand on the back of your head shyly looking at them.

They squinted at you but shrugged it off. They turn to grab the binder on the table, opening it to look for the card that you wanted. The four of you were impressed with the collection arranged alphabetically. 

“I have almost all of the cards, some of them I have two of. You guys are lucky that I have two of them.” Hina smirks, looking proud. “Ah! Here she is.” They grab the card out of the slot and hand it to you. “You better take good care of her!” They teased.

“T-thank you! I will take care of her.” You take the card and hold it, looking like it was a hidden treasure.

“So they seem special.” Hina commented, looking at you and they laughed. “You can have it, it seems really important to you and I know how that can be.” They smiled softly and looked up at the blue sky.

You looked at them and you were stunned. “W-wait! No! We have to pay you for this!” Taking your wallet out but they pushed it away.

“Take it and make sure to take care of your person.” Hina’s smile was gentle and soft. They took the binder and closed it. “Well! Good luck!” They said and turned around and walked away, leaving the four of you in shock. 

The group looked at each other and sighed in unison, followed by laughter. You all then turned to cross the street and waited for the next bus to come. You had messaged the rest of the team about the good news and they replied with cheers. Once your group had arrived at the bus stop, the other boys greeted you. All of you then proceeded to walk back and while doing so everyone was now talking about the surprise plan that all of you thought of. 

As soon as you walked inside, you rushed to your room to put the card in an envelope and hid it in the book that you got for them, another thing that they really wanted. You left your room afterwards and headed towards the living room, on your way there you passed by the little garden with the little fish pond. Y/N was sitting on the little bench humming a delightful tune and you felt your heart pound. You imagined them surrounded by two kids, you were by their side holding their hand as the kids were running around. They shifted in the seat and looked at you, smiling. This snapped you out of your thoughts, you waved at them and smiled back. They motioned for you to come over and so you did. Opening the sliding door, you took a deep breath in and relaxed your pounding heart. 

“Hey there Asahi.” They greeted you cheerfully as soon as you closed the door and turned to look at them and motioned for you to sit next to them. 

You smiled and took the invitation, sitting next to them. “How was your day?” You asked, tilting your head to the side.

“It’s been really good, it was for you guys to invite me to your trip.” They looked at you, looking content.

“I mean, you’re pretty much part of the team too. We all hang out a lot and it just wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t here, if you know what I mean.” You say, looking at the koi fish swimming around each other in the pond.

“Oh..” They said, almost a whisper. 

You didn’t notice the soft look they gave you until you felt them place their hand on top of yours. Your eyes widened and you whipped your head to look at them, face feeling hot. The look on their face made you melt internally. Their eyes seemed to be pulling you in, making you fall deeper than you already were, not even knowing that they felt the same. None of you notice the space between both of you was slowly closing in, lips almost meeting until Nishinoya opened the sliding door. The two of you jumped a little and pulled away from each other while Nishinoya apologized and quickly went back inside. The air was quiet until they giggled and you had to turn to look at them again. A small smile appeared on your face, you opened your mouth so speak but was interrupted by the alarm on your phone. You took your phone out of your pocket, the bright light blinding you for a moment. *ALARM 12 AM* Your eyebrows shot up and you had to look up from your phone and look around.

“Oh. I didn’t even realize how dark it had been.” You say out loud.

“Well I mean, the garden is well lit.” They say pointing at the hanging lights above you. 

You look up and got caught off guard by how pretty the lights looked. “Wow. So pretty, like y/n.” You whispered under you breath, momentarily forgetting that they were sitting next to you.

“What?” They spoke up after hearing what you said. “WHAT ASAHI” They said louder to get your attention.

You froze at the sound of their voice and you screamed internally. “What?” You say feigning innocence and you had an idea. “Uhm I’ll be right back. Stay here please.” You say immediately and get up to go to your room to grab the presents you got for them.

You went back to the garden fully expecting them to be gone but they were still there, patiently waiting for you. Going back out to the garden, you held your breath as you look at them. Eyes twinkling under the hanging lights, the expression on their face was what mad you want to run into their arms and kiss them but you resisted. You felt a wave of confidence and sat back down next to them.

“Here, this is for you. Happy birthday.” You say softly, handing them a box.

“Oh thank you. Is that why you had your alarm set for midnight?” They giggled as they took the box from you.

“Well. Actually, yeah.” You put a hand on the back of your neck and thought for a second.

“You know my birthday isn’t until tomorrow, right? They smiled.

“Yeah but, We wanted to celebrate today.” You smiled back.

They then looked at the box and began to open it. A smile crossed their face and your heart sped up. They turned the book to open and saw the happy birthday message you  wrote.

“Thank you Asahi, I love it.” They were still look at the book, slowly turning the pages.

“Turn to your favorite passage, you know the one you always told me about.” You intructed them, pointing at the book.

They tilted their head and did as they were told. The envelope fell out but they caught it before it could hit the ground. They held it curiosly and you saw their face turn red. You watched them carefully and studied their expression when they opened the envelope. Excitement took over their expression and they got up and attacked you with a hug.

“Asahi!! Thank you!! I love it! I love her! I love you!” They say as they wrapped you in their arms.

You braced for the impact and hugged them back and you went stiff when you realize what they had just said. You hugged them tighter, tears threatening to fall down your face and you tried to hold it back but couldn’t. You choked a sob and inhaled sharply, they pulled away from you and concern was written all over their face.

“Asahi, hey? What’s wrong?” They cupped your face and wiped the tears away. 

“I’m just a bit overwhelmed, I think?” You say in between breaths. 

“Oh, Sorry, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.” Their expression turned soft and they leaned in to give you kiss on the forehead. “I really meant it you know. I really do love you.” They stared longingly at you, hands squeezing your face.

“Y-you do?” You say shakily.

“Of course I do. With all my heart.” They giggled. “I tell you what, since you got that merengue amiibo card for me, why don’t i take you out for a date as a thank you?” They teased a little.

“A dATE?” You almost screamed. “You? YOU? WANT? Like WANT? To go on a date? WITH ME?” You say repeatedly.

They laughed and nodded their head. “What do you say? Saturday, we could go out?” They say, thinking while you sat there just, in pure shock and happiness. 

“You know what, I’ll take you up on that. Saturday right?” You snapped out of your shocked state and put your hands on their sides and felt a wave of confidence wash over you. You cupped their face and pulled them into a kiss, short and sweet. Now it was their turn to be shocked, their face was redder than a tomato and now it was your turn to laugh.They playfully hit your arm and pouted, breaking into a fit of laughter once they noticed that faking anger didn’t work. The laught filled the air and it might have been two in the morning but the two of had no care in the world. All there was for the two of you was this moment, the feeling in your hearts and the future that had yet to come.

——————————————————————————

Taglist : @sakura-asahi @lydzisanerd @vventure @letmeshouyou @gulfwanq @nekoglasses @lordeofthunder @cocoellen @dear-green-tea @kenmagi

#asahi azumane x reader #haikyuu asahi x reader #azumane asahi #hq asahi #haikyuu asahi #asahi azumane #haikyuu!! #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu requests #haikyuu x reader #hq #hq imagines #hq x reader #hq requests #animal crossing #animal crossing merengue #animal crossing request

[spnfanficpond]

October 2019 Pond LiveChat Recap

We had a great time chatting with @evansrogerskitten tonight! Thank you so much for joining us and sharing your wisdom!

Today, we got together and talked about writing smut! We discussed the legalities around sharing smut on the internet, vocabulary choices, created a spreadsheet of terms we can all share and use, and encouraged each other to not be afraid to just write. A rundown of the chat, as well as general Pond news, is below the cut. Due to the nature of the chat, there may be some parts of this recap that might be considered NSFW. 

To start us off, @mrswhozeewhatsiswrites shared some research into the legalities of posting erotica on the internet as it relates to minors. (We are not legal experts. This information was obtained through Google searches. If anyone can provide links to sources that contradict these, we will add them to this post to ensure the most correct information is provided here.)

Michelle: To try and keep it short and sweet, from everything I read, if a minor reads smut online, it's not the writer's, poster's, or web site's responsibility to keep it from them. It is the parent's, or the school's/library's responsibility. (Basically, whoever is providing the internet connection to the minor is responsible for filtering out content that might be harmful to that minor, not the parties creating or disseminating that content online.) Schools and libraries and other institutions that get government funds are usually required to have some sort of filter in place to prevent minors from accessing porn and erotica. 

What makes this so difficult to research is that written erotica is not mentioned very often in obscenity laws. Most laws focus on images or videos, not the written word. 

No matter what it is, though, to be prosecuted under obscenity laws, the material must first be ruled to be obscene. Legally, there is a difference between obscenity and erotica. Obscenity is generally illegal, and erotica is protected speech. There are many different sets of rules and guidelines that have been used to determine if something is considered obscene or not. The most widely used current set of guidelines is the Miller test. From my research, most (if not all) erotic fan fiction would not be considered obscene because of its ‘literary, artistic, political, or scientific value’.

Some interesting links in relation to this subject that go into detail:

Wikipedia - US Obscenity Law - About halfway down, there is a section on non image-based obscenity cases in the US. The first part of this section, which deals with the written word, is very enlightening about the differences between obscenity and erotica. Further down is a section about criticism of the laws which shows some of the gaps in the law where free speech lives. Continuing on, the section about censorship in schools and libraries explains the part CIPA (Children’s Internet Protection Act) plays in protecting minors from material that could be considered harmful to them.

Online Art Rights - Sexual Content - This site details the many attempts at limiting indecent material on the internet through the years. (Scroll down and click on the plus signs in the black bars to expand each section.) In each case cited, the court ruled that to ban all objectionable material would interfere with free speech because it would reduce all content to a level appropriate for children. They also concluded that since less restrictive means exist, such as user-controlled filters and the like, those tools can be used without reducing all discourse on the internet. The section on Child Pornography at the bottom might be of interest to anyone who writes Weecest smut, though.

The only possible exception that I think would affect the SPN fandom would be those who write Weecest smut. Child pornography seems to be the exception to every rule that protects free speech. Where every other depiction of a sex act might have a ‘but’ that makes it erotica (and therefore legal) instead of obscenity, child pornography in any medium is considered obscenity. Anything that even just looks like child porn is considered child porn, even if no children were a part of the making of it. This includes cartoons and CGI and adults made up to look like kids. If it’s advertised as children in a sexual situation, it’s child porn. So, I imagine it could extend to written erotica IF someone were to decide to push it.

Now, that’s a huge if. Someone would have to read it, object to it, and insist on prosecution for it. I think if that were going to happen, given 15 years of SPN fan fiction, it would have happened by now. But I would still keep my Weecest smut-free, or implied, or at least over the age of consent (which varies, so 18 is just easiest to use). 

Also, AO3 complies with the laws regarding filtering for minors. If you do not have an account, you are required to click through a step that tells you that you are about to view something explicit. That's really all that sites and such are required to do. Hence, Tumblr making you click through and view on dash blogs they mark as explicit.

@emilyshurley I think there might also be a sorta solution just to play it safe. I saw that people who make mods for games like Sims 4 and stuff have a page for terms of download. What that is is that if you click their masterlist it will take you to a post where they list their conditions and have the words "I agree" and link the actual masterlist to that. Now this might take a little effort but we could add something similar before our masterlists.

This is all legal stuff, not site-specific rules. Each site can implement their own decency rules and enforce them how they see fit. For example, Tumblr, as a company, can decide to delete your blog. (They’ve stopped doing this since The Purge, now just marking each blog explicit and making you click on a couple things to get to those blogs they deem explicit.) Should they choose to do this, it does not mean that you’re in trouble with the law.

Now, onto the fun stuff!

Q: What is the first thing you think of when someone asks you for advice about writing smut?

Ash: Word choice- don't make the reader cringe. It's easy to fall into that because smut can be graceful and tasteful if it's done right. And that starts with thinking through word choice and how the scene is flowing. It's not easy to write smut! I think a lot of non-writer readers do not realize that.

Note: During the chat, we created a Google Sheets spreadsheet, with two sheets in it, with lists of words to use to refer to different things when you’re writing smut. The first sheet is Good Words, and the second sheet is Bad Words. Everyone can enter words they like and don’t like on both sheets, and we’ll crowd-source this problem! Check it out and add your favorites!

Michelle: A smut scene takes ten times as long for me to write as anything else. Just keeping track of limbs is difficult! And clothing....sometimes, I just make them dry hump so I don't have to deal with removing all the clothing! Other times, it's just, "Somehow, you suddenly found yourself naked." Like, there's a million great ways to get characters naked, but if I'm tired, angels snap.

@fictionalabyss (Mel): I've read stuff where a position makes no sense and it ruins the whole thing for me. Michelle: I actually bought a couple of those posable dolls from IKEA. (IKEA - GESTALTA, Artist’s figure)  @babypieandwhiskey (Cam): I’ll have to use my daughter’s old Barbie dolls! I can keep track of both limbs and clothing!

Q: Ash, what are a few of the words that turn you off when you're reading smut?

Ash: It's usually words that sound so "romance novel"-ish to me. So "turgid member" is a good example. Please no one ever write that. Mel: Sometimes, keeping it simple is the safest and best bet. Ash: Absolutely, Mel! Sometimes we don't need all the extra words if we're showing the heat that's already there between them. 

[What followed was a long discussion of various terms you definitely should not use in serious smut. They’ve all been added to the spreadsheet linked above, so fee free to check it out.]

Michelle: EVERYONE has those words that squick them, and it's damn near impossible to write a smut scene that doesn't include a word that will squick someone out there. So, don't stress about what words you do or don't use, cuz there's always gonna be someone out there who doesn't like something. Just make sure YOU think what you're writing is hot. If you don't get warm under the collar from it, no one else will, either. Ash: I highly recommend everyone is reading their fics out loud to see how it all flows. You'll catch errors and weird words there too.

Q: Ash, how do you get in the frame of mind to write something you personally have never experienced? For example, certain kinks.

Ash: Whiskey? LOL No, I do a lot of research- google, porn, erotica. Trying something out in person helps too! But we're writing fiction. You can make a kink work for your scenario too.I mean, I've written a reader squirting after 5 minutes to move things along but we all know it takes longer usually. And that's the fun! I've never actually been with 2 dudes but I f-ing love writing it. @atc74 (Angelina): I've always said I don't need to kill someone to write a murder scene. Ash: Smut is all about having an open mind. It lets us and the readers be someone else. 

Question submitted earlier by @erins-culinary-service: I've wanted to try writing smut but never known exactly how to start and what words to use to describe everything. I've had sex so I know the sensations, positions, etc I'm just not sure how to write it all down any advice?

Ash: So sometimes I can't just start from "they kissed..." I start wherever I can see it best. So is it oral sex, or already doing it, I just jump in. And then I come back and fill it in. And I just write, no stopping once I get going. So the "cock into her hole" can be fixed later on my next edit. I just gotta get the idea out and then go back and make it hot. My smut is never hot in my first draft.  Michelle: I think that's what stops a lot of writers, is thinking they have to publish their first draft. Editing is totally a thing. Just get the ideas on paper, and then make them hot later. Ash: Oh yeah, I go through at least 3 drafts per fic. Plus my beta version. Yeah, no one is ever going to see your drafts so don't worry about starting somewhere, anywhere.  Michelle: And remember, practice practice practice - As with any writing, the more you write it, the easier it becomes. I wrote Third Wheel as a way to challenge myself with writing smut. Do a kink bingo or alphabet challenge. Just remember, you’re gonna write crap at the start, but crap makes good compost. Ash: Taking some time between edits is important too. It'll help you see different ways, AND you'll start having breakthroughs during the time away. Bingos are a great challenge that will help a writer grow.  Cam: Writing smut is like sex, you're first time is going to be awkward and things won't be perfect, but with practice it gets better. Mel: I have a series that shows even the millionth time having sex isn't perfect and can be all laughs 🤣. But yeah.

Question submitted earlier by @focusonspn: i wanted to know about ways and words to describe orgasms and how to approach the moment after it without being awkward or forced. some people say those are the easiest things to write, but somehow i always have a hard moment trying to write them.

Ash: Hmmmm, as for the moments after- that's understandable, it is hard because its a transition. I think it's doesn't have to be an extended part of it- unless they're about to have a talk or aftercare needs a scene, it can be as simple as "we drifted off to sleep." Michelle: As always, my advice is to read smut that other people write that you like, and take note of what they do. Mel: Someone can get up and get dressed and leave. They can play in the fluids. They can lay there catching their breaths for a moment. It can be simple. Sometimes it doesn't need a flourish and that flourish can make it seem forced. Michelle: I think it depends on what type of smut fic you're writing. Is it fluffy smut where they're all in LOVE and kissy and stuff? Or is it Soulless Sam and Demon Dean just getting down and dirty and claiming you for themselves? Or, Soulless Sam or Demon Dean just getting their rocks off and they don't give a shit? @emilyshurley (Emily): Also this might be my f*cked up brain but I think if someone is not comfortable with a lot of fluffy buildup to smut trying soulless!Sam or Demon!Dean could be a great start. You also have a little room to do a little out of character.  Michelle: We are blessed with a world that includes all types of characters and all types of situations, from curses (sex pollen, love potions, etc) to supernatural beings, to inspire and give us chances to write all kinds of smut. There are no limits to what you can do in Supernatural, so there are no limits to what we can write.  Ash: Yeah we can really make most kinks work in some way in the SPN worlds.  Emily: Also again with going out of character I read a captain America fic where it could have been a little out of character how he jumped straight to sex (someone commented that) but sex pollen made it work. So basically these tropes/kinks can also be good devices for writing NSFW fics to if you struggle to get the characters write in the beginning.

Other links mentioned:

Emily: I saw this advice list on Tumblr, so thought I should share it: List of Smut Writing Guides

Ash: This one, too: @smut-101′s Smut Tips Masterlist 

And last, but definitely not least...

Ash: Always, always, always write for you. Readers come and go but you have to be satisfied and proud of what you've written. And everyone should get so much credit for trying to write smut. It's difficult but its does get easier and more fun with practice!

General Pond Updates and Reminders

What we’ve got cooking up next: Not much, at the moment, since everyone is busy, so we’re just trying to keep up with the day-to-day at the moment! Our to do list is still long, though, and will not be neglected forever!

Reminders:

Angel Fish Award nominations are accepted all month long! No need to wait to tell us how much you liked a fellow Fish’s work!  IF YOU HAVE SENT IN A NOMINATION, BUT HAVE NOT RECEIVED A PRIVATE MESSAGE CONFIRMING WE RECEIVED IT, WE DIDN’T GET IT. Be sure to use Submit instead of Ask!

Don’t forget to submit your stories to be posted to the blog! When your stories are on the blog, then they are easier to nominate for Angel Fish Awards!

Say hi to September’s New Members!

Check the Pond CALENDAR to see when Big Fish will be in the Skype chat room/discord general channel and other Pond and SPN events are happening! Know of something that’s not on the calendar, send us an ask or submission with the deets info details!  The calendar offers a lot of features, such as showing you when things are in your own timezone! Since we’re an international group, that’s a definite plus!!

We don’t have a topic or speaker set up for November’s event, yet, so if there’s something you want to talk about, or someone you want to talk to, LET US KNOW!

#spnfanficpond live chat #chat room #let's chat #pond chat #THE CHAT ROOM #chat recap #smut #vocabulary

[spector]

thank u for talking about ao3, ive been using it since I was a minor (like forever ago now lmao) and it really messed me up seeing everyone act like that nasty shit should be normalized and popular! and everytime anyone says anything critical ao3, someone posts a huge rant about its history and mission while completely ignoring the fact that there is NO excuse or acceptable reason to allow child predators to thrive on your site. like ao3 devs use your brain pls!!!

I USE THE SITE TOO, i read fics, sometimes post fics as well, i acknowledge the fact that the website is very popular and that the interface is pretty good (tho the process of uploading fics is kinda tiresome), there is a LOT of good stuff on ao3 and probably like, yeah, for one child porn fic theres probably like hundreds of normal fics. i can’t say that ao3 is nothing but awful pedo dubcon shit, cuz thats not true, like my own fics are on there lol. 

but the questionable shit is there and it is harmful to the minors who browse it (even if they don’t realize that). and i know that it’s difficult to strike balance between censorship and restricting access to certain themes but i think it’s we have a duty to at least try?? 

i just have to wonder though - why isnt there a feature to report fics... like if they have so much money from all these fundraisers why cant they have a team of ppl who review the reports and will delete explicit child pornography from the site... i know its not the easiest thing to do logistically but like... try ...??

#Anonymous

[journeyedalone]

Da Rulez

General Rules

No godmodding.

Do not ask for smut unless you are an adult; you will have to prove you are an adult if you ask.

Mun does not equal muse.

Blog is trigger heavy, please be aware of this if you decide to move forward.

I have one trigger and it’s the user “lleavetheciity.” I’ve gotten over the panic attacks they induce for the most part, but it still really causes a negative reaction.

All triggers are tagged, if you need a special one tagged, let me know.

I am not open to certain topics, some during certain times.

Pedophilia/Incest/Rape focused on the sexual part rather than the effects is a no 24/7.

No underage smut at all.

Domestic Violence: cuz y’all like romanticizing being with abusers.

Cheating arcs.

Suicide is tricky; it’s not okay during certain times. Run it by me.

Animal abuse/death depends on my mood, sometimes a bit too sensitive to it. Run it by me.

I do not ship Frans or Charisk (bit of a squick), please do not ask for it. Please tag the ship accordingly so I can blacklist it.

Do not send hate toward anyone, trans, cis, homo, hetero, black, white, muslim, christian. I won’t tolerate my followers, my family or myself being insulted. It’s a quick way for me to unfollow/block you.

On that note, don’t interact if you ship adults with minors.

If you see that I am already interacting with a duplicate of your character, do not be discouraged—some are insecure about seeing duplicates and it’s fine if you don’t want to follow for that reason—but I like having diverse bonds with the same character. Just because a is shipped with b, doesn’t mean you can’t or that you have to, they could be lovers, just friends, or enemies. They could have a different dynamic, everyone plays their muses a bit differently.

I have bipolar disorder, depression/anxiety and PTSD (from an incident two years ago). My behavior may be weird, but it does not excuse my poor actions, I expect the same from you.

Please be literate. It’s hard to enjoy a thread when my partner doesn’t know “their,” “there,” and “they’re.” English is not the easiest language, if it’s not your first language I’ll fix the errors for you.

Different muses from this blog interacting with the same muse from yours share a universe by default, if you’d like to not be the case I’m flexible.

NSFW content will be tagged using the citrus scale, more often “lime” being suggestive, and “lemon” being intercourse.

I am mutuals only, so I will only roleplay with mutuals. Non-mutuals and anons are free to send asks, about anything really, but I’m following whoever I want to roleplay with.

If you follow me on a personal, it’s chill, but if you’re following for a side blog, TELL ME. I will check out your side blog/s and possibly follow you there. I can then consider you a mutual.

Please have a rules and about page; it’s not super necessary but it makes me more comfortable about following you and discussing possible content.

You can send starters with or without previous plotting or approval as long as you are a mutual.

If I feel uncomfortable with where you are taking a thread (such as my character getting raped, or your character hurting an animal, etc.) there’s a 99% chance I’ll implore you to rewrite a section so it doesn’t go that direction—if I need to change my response for you to do so, I will change it.

Starter calls are posted monthly or when there’s been an influx of followers, if you like a starter call, you have 14 days to respond to it—if you don’t have time to respond to it within the time, message me OOC so I at least know you got it. The extension period is two months before I delete it I approach you about responding; from that point on, it’s up to my own discretion.

Shipping-related rules:

You can read this later if you are not interested in shipping right now. If our characters haven’t met yet, you don’t need to concern yourself with this:

There is no instant shipping; everything is done through chemistry and development.

My muses are traumatized and young; please think of how old your character is, and about what their relationship is before asking to ship.

Shipping calls go out routinely (about once a month) please request a tag for the ship you would like if you accept the call, and talk to me about plotting their relationship.

I don’t know if I should have to say this again, but domestically abusive relationships will not be accepted.

Incestual relationships will not happen.

Pedophiliac relationships will not happen.

Power Imbalanced relationships will not happen (teacher and student, boss and employee, etc.)

I am unwilling to ship certain muses. These muses include Eilis and Frisk*.

Eilis is nine; nuff said.

Frisk is apathetic and cannot feel; this makes shipping hard but can be an unrequited relationship where Frisk benefits in some way.

Smut is tricky; everything should be under a read more and a relationship should be developed beforehand—William is demi-romantic and has a hard time getting attached enough for that, Bonny has PTSD over it and it is painful for her so she won’t want to do it regardless of hormones, Jimin is dysphoric as he’s often mid-transition and will be nervous to do things after transitioning into a woman(surface ver.). Your muse will have to be more comforting than their own boundaries.

If you have managed to read ALL THESE FREAKING RULES, please send in any quote you like from Undertale! If you are uncomfortable sending in a password, it’s all good. I get you. If you’d still like to let me know, check the mobile tag for a post you can like with these rules (you are here). Thank you!

#⋆✧―『 ooc 』 #⋆✧―『 mobile 』

[pokenerdart]

I'm tired of Nintendo

I had enough for the last pokemon games and I'm so fucking angry that I bought a switch for this game that I might just not buy it. You know what ? Fuck you Nintendo. Having to pay for everything on a pokemon game is shitty and you're just looking for money. And you just won't admit it.

Before, we could transfer pokemons to a game of the next generation just by finishing the game. Easy. They kept that up until the 5th gen and after that, because ( I quote ) "tHerE Is NO PosSibLE WaY tO TranSFeR PokEmOns frOm Ds To tHe 3dS"

Okay, fine, whatever. So you have to pay to get your parteners through the new games x and y. But sorry, that excuse ISN'T VALID ANYMORE for the 7th gen. If the problem was to pass to the 3DS it's not the case anymore, so already fucked up on that point. But still, with wondertrade and GTS we had a way to get our favourite pokemons.

Now, we have so much bullshit that I can't even be more furious.

The console was super SUPER expensive compared to the other portable consoles from Nintendo ? Ok. I managed to work a hell lot to get enough money to finally buy it. No, not all the parents can afford something like that and especially not the children themselves BUT pokemon is a game mainly made for young people. That's already super dumb but I got through it. It was x1,5 the price of a 3DS when it came out, I mean COME ON.

The games are 20$, which is ALSO x1,5 the last generation's price. And it's a LOT. Pokemon let's go wasn't even that good already, seriously. It was made for pokemon go players, hadn't the same feeling for catching pokemons AT ALL ( you have to catch a lot rather than just catching your own team and that's all, and it's the same for shinies. I don't want to catch 30 vulpix ?! ) and it was more of a pokemon game to scam people who liked go. I refused that my dad bought it just because of that. Also, fuck all this gen 1 propaganda. GenOners are sometimes really annoying but Nintendo keeps encouraging them like hello ?? Other gen exists too ?? We have like a whole crowd of people waiting for a DP remake and that's the 2nd remake of this gen ! Not counting pokemon go that only featured the 1st gen when it was popular.

Pokemons from the 1st generation have a pretty easy to reproduce design and that's why they made pokemon let's go. Between Rayquaza and Mewtwo, guess who's the easiest to make ?

That's why I also HATE the idea of the galar dex. Cuz you know what ? Pokemon will be deleted. And I bet my fucking phone that there will be more gen one than any other gen because it's the favourite. And also, say goodbye to gen 5. The fandom clearly didn't like that gen and pokemons from it will suffer from the galar dex. It was great but since, you know, you couldn't use pokemons from other gens ( like in let's go btw ) people hated it and said everything from it was trash ?? Like oh no, a goofy ice cream with a funny face ! Pokemons weren't trash in my time when I had a purple jelly pokemon that evolved into a bigger purple jelly pokemon. They were creative. So yeah, some gens will suffer more than others

After that we have the lack of animations. I mean COME ON.

"Animation is hard". I make animations, mostly on 2D yes but I studied 3D models. Once you created it you can make animations pretty fast because you just have to move the body, not to redraw anything. That's why there are so many 3D models animations on YouTube made by beginners, once you mastered it you can do pretty much anything.

"It's good for strategy" Well ... Yes and No actually. I studied a bit strategy and the fact that they deleted some pokemons is a good thing for it but not for us, normal players. The fact that they removed animations from pokemon attacking is just ripping us off the battle, they had better animations in gen 4, come on. And the fact that the attacks must be fast for strategy is because official battles now last 20 minutes instead of one hour which is ... Stupid ?? They used this as an argument for a wall they created ???

"creating models is hard". Yes it is. BUT THEY'RE USING GEN 6-7 MODELS. Well, at least they had to redo them but it's just copying and pasting like wtf ??? The animations are the same. Models are just redone. It's basically like tracing someone's art. Yeah it takes time. But you still have a base, it takes a lot less time than the original one and when you're done I don't think you should show it as "extremely hard work". But you know what actually ? THEY DID OTHER MODELS FOR DYNAMAXED POKEMONS. Yes, they used that "precious time you know it's hard and blahblahblah" to have to do TWICE the exact same ponemons. I'm not talking about gigantamax huh, normal dynamax pokemon. So they're whining about the time but did everything twice. Wonderful.

"animating takes time" again you're talking to an artist and an animator. So before you try to give your "knowledge" because you read an article on BuzzFeed, go and try to do it yourself and then we can talk. I'm not saying that I know everything and that I'm a genius or anything but sometimes trying is easier to understand. Are we good ? Alright. I'm used to get hate comments all the time when I talk shit about this and most of the persons telling me wrong hadn't even tried to draw Pikachu before. Now, I just want to ask you, have you ever thought about the time needed for a pokemon game ? Yeah it takes a lot of time, about a few years. But think of it this way : we got the first trailer of the game 3-4 months ago ? Not sure anymore. But the game will be released the same year the first trailer went out and I'm pretty sure it was the same last year with Eevee and Pikachu. I'll take another exemple from the switch : Zelda botw. That game is a masterpiece. First trailer, 2011. Release date, 2017. Do you know what I mean by that ? TAKE YOUR FUCKING TIME. Stop rushing like idiots we won't die if we don't have a pokemon game per year !!

One last thing : the online subscription. You know that you pay WiFi every month ? Now you gotta pay it again for it to work. I get it, maybe people won't use it and all but COME ON. You deleted the 4th and 5th gen GTS. You deleted the dream world. And you're afraid that your online thingy will be not used enough to make money so you make us pay even more ?? Duck you.

Pokémon is the 2nd most money-making licence that ever existed. They stopped making series because they wasn't worth it in terms of money, like pokemon rangers. You're just some lazy People that wants money more and more. And I don't think I can accept that.

#pokemon #pokemon xy #pokemon sun and moon #pokemon sword and shield #pokemon black and white #galar dex #galar region #Nintendo online #fuck it

[murfeelee]

CC Creators Questions

I saw this on my dash and got so excited -- a questionnaire for CC makers! :D

1. What was the hardest project you’ve worked on so far?

Y’all have no bloody clue how many unfinished projects I have given up on, and how much time I spend/waste on CC I never even finish. I often have no idea what I’m doing, and once I reach a certain point where the effing thing just won’t come out right, and I don’t know who to ask for help, or I do and never get a response, I just lose total willpower to keep going.

2. How long have you been creating cc?

2010-ish -- that’s when I first started uploading to TSR at least, ider. Early on it was just simple wall art (an effton of murals) but I kept reading the tutorials at BPS & MTS & TSR, and once I figured that out I started trying out rather craptastic conversions that are still up for DL, if y’all wanna point and laugh at me. :P Effing sad. Some of it turned out pretty okay though, IMO.

3. What’s your most favorite thing you’ve created?

At TSR my favorite CC uploads are the Clutter Bug and LOTR Scribe sets.

The admins gave me such a hard time when I first submitted this, and I had to throw out like half of the objects included in the set, cuz of the effing UV Maps and blah blah. But the rest of it came out cool.

I am constantly using those objects in my lots. Constantly. The LOTR period was also the very first time I learned about making Alpha Channels on .dds textures -- that opened up so many possibilities! Single objects I’m also really proud of over there are the Ivy/Flower Column, and the Vintage Art Collage, which I also use a lot.

At Tumblr this is a lot harder for me to decide on, since after I came here I could do and make so much more than what was allowed at TSR. I think I had the best time converting from The Witcher 3. I effing love that game. But I also think just the process was the easiest for me, cuz I’ve been doing this crap for a while now and finally knew wtf I was doing -- except the CAS stuff. O_O LAAAAAWD! I gave up on that junk quick fast and in a hurry -- NOPE! Not today, Satan! But yeah, I really like some of the stuff I did from that game, like the Peacocks (duh) and everything I shared for my Lupo Bianco gameplay.

4. What’s your most hated thing you’ve created?

Things I hate don’t get uploaded. XD Y’all think I complain about the crap I DO upload -- that’s cuz I’m being honest when I tell y’all that my work has flaws that I don’t know how to fix, or don’t have the energy to work on anymore. Practically all of my CAS CC is a raggedy amateur mess. I hold on to a lot of crap that I just can’t upload in good consciousness, cuz I know how I react when I install others’ CC and I’m using it thinking wtf, did they upload the wrong file by accident? :P

5. What inspires you to create?

When I first started, it was cuz it was still early in TS3, and the game was still pretty empty, and I didn’t have any of the EPs/SPs/Store CC yet, so I was desperate for content. Then once I started converting, and realized that I could extract stuff from other games myself, I immediately knew that I wanted to recreate my favorite games in TS3. I’m inspired by the fandoms I’m part of, and  my style of simming mostly revolves around me trying to create my own extended version of other games and shows I like.

6. What gets you unmotivated to do anything or to delete your project?

Failure. When things start going wrong, I quickly get frustrated and lose patience. I post WIPs sometimes that I don’t even end up revisiting. I just can’t fix the crap, so I rapidly lose the energy or desire or interest in the entire project. I often blame it on laziness, when really I just give up.  :\

7. What’s one thing you wish you knew how to do/do better?

I generally just stick to what I know and am comfortable with, which is why y’all don’t see me making build mode stuff, or much functional buy mode cc, or mods/scripts, or creating skintones or poses, or any of the cool stuff I’d love to make but just can’t figure out for the life of me. U_U

8. How long does it usually take you to make something?

Depends on the project, and my motivation to see it to the end. Some stuff will sit on the back-burner for literal years before I finally go back to it. I’ll tell myself I’ll work on it later. Lies, mostly. ^_^

9. Is there a certain schedule you stick to when publishing?

Unless there’s a certain holiday/event going on, where the CC needs to be finished now! now! now! (Halloween & Lunar New Year are my busiest times), I just do what I want. I get so distracted, and often I’m working on a zillion things at once. Sometimes I’m running on pure adrenaline and not sleeping, to make sure I finish the CC on time. I feel bad if I miss something going on that I could’ve participated in, but most times I just tell y’all the CC’s still in beta, and it’ll be ready when it’s ready. :P

10. Your favorite programs to work with?

Crazy as it sounds, Milkshape. :P I effing hate Blender. I don’t understand it -- there are too many buttons and controls and everything’s just a confusing mess. 3DS Max is easier for me! O_O I legit can’t even figure out the frikkin view/camera in Blender! And you constantly have to switch between modes, and everything’s buried under all those effing THINGS on the sides, and I can’t stand it. >_<

11. Who do you look up to (creator wise)?

For CC in general, I worship Sandy/AroundTheSims; always have. Everything they make is just so clean and professional and works splendidly in game. Jelly.

12. How many projects do you have at the moment?

An ungodly number, half of which will no doubt be abandoned before y’all even get the chance to hear about them. :P

13. Screenshot your wips folder (if you have one)

Cute of you to assume I have just one WIPs folder, in one fixed location. XD

That’s what my backup’s thematic specific folder looks like, but that’s not where I keep any of my other game conversions WIPs -- those are all over the place. I’ve had to restart several projects after my external harddrive broke, and now especially I’m keeping everything in different locations and on different drives.

14. Do you plan on creating for a long time or is there a certain period you know you’ll stop?

Dunno if I’ll ever stop, but I know I’m slowing down; I have been for a while now. I’m tired. I hate making CC. It’s stressful, exhausting, time-consuming, and no dang fun, especially when crap is going oh so wrong and you have to keep quitting the game, doing crap over, loading the game, seeing if it’s fixed, and trying not to cry when it’s not. I do this crap out of desperation, when there’s something in particular that I want that I can't find a good substitute for in the game or community at large. So as long as I’m still simming, I know I’m gonna keep being forced by necessity to make crap. But I doubt I’ll ever go back to the workhorse nonsense I was up to in like 2015/6 or whenever my “heyday” was, when I was still experimenting like mad and learning everything.

15. What helps you keep focus during your creating process?

I play a lot of music, that fits the theme of the CC I'm working on, or is lifting my spirits at the time. I can’t work in silence. IDKY, it just makes me bored and tired.

I tag all y’all who ever made anything for us poor unfortunate souls!

#simblr #questionnaire #murf is a derp #sims 3 cc

[junghoseokit]

Ik none of my friends check this account so I'm going to use this place as my diary tonight lol.

But if you do know me, I'm literally begging you do not read this post.

Please.

Scroll past.

If you do please know I'm fine, nothing will happen to me, I won't do anything. I just need to write this down. I'm okay.

TW- brief past abuse mention and talking about abortion

I've had a lot of things happen in the last few days. I very quickly have to find a new place to live, Im having sexuality problems like crazy rn, had a past abuser come back into my life and recently been having panic attacks relating to my abortion from a year and a half ago.

So I have been out for about 10 months now as bisexual, and I haven't had any problems with people not accepting so that's amazing. But today I realized I'm in love with someone. And it hurts alot. I don't want to love anyone because I'm in constant fear of rejection, abandonment and just the fact that love is terrifying. I mean I guess it doesn't matter because I can't date this person anyways lol.

Yay Commitment issues

Honestly the only thing I feel comfortable to type out about is my abortion I got in high school.

I feel like I'm being stupid, like I made this choice right? I shouldn't be depressed about it. Plus it's been over a fucking year. Idk

Basically my ex boyfriend and I were together for 3 years but after we broke up I found out I was pregnant and he made me go get an abortion. Alone.

There's a few details missing from this story cuz I'm lazy and don't feel like typing, but yes I was forced to go alone to get an abortion when I was 17.

I don't regret the abortion itself, because there was no way I would be able to care for a baby but the trauma comes from a time where I was extremely depressed already and me doing this alone did not help.

TW: Mentions of thoughts of suicide

Idk if I need a warning for this but I want to be sure that any of my followers don't read something that triggers them.

Anyways

Within a month I got my heart ripped into pieces by my high school sweetheart and then ripped into even smaller pieces when I had to go to a clinic alone.

I didn't even tell my mom.

I was embarrassed that I had gotten pregnant and I didn't want to upset her so I kept quiet for about 10 months I didn't tell anyone.

And obviously that pretty much killed my mental health.

Immediately after I got home that night from the clinic I went to my room and searched up "easiest ways to kill yourself " yeah it got pretty dark. Luckily nothing ever came of it cuz idk I'm also scared of dying lol.

But yeah alot of those feelings are coming back lately, idk why tbh lol

Um so yeah I'll probably delete this in the morning. Night night.

[chuuyazai]

Tagged by: @shitabukenjirou Thanks love!! These were super interesting!!!

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean? 

Well, I was really into the bungou stray dogs fandom when I changed my username to chuuyazai and it’s basically just Chuuya and Dazai combines (not their ship name unfortunately) and I’m an uncreative piece of shit so I use this as my AO3 account too. And my writing blog I wanted to make bnha related so i just did bnheadcanons-scenarios. It was originally kaminari-damnki cuz why not then I changed it to what it is now.

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos)

Swim with Me probably because it’s my longest fic plus mermaids

3. What is your AO3 profile icon and why did you choose it?

It is a picture of Uno from Nanbaka because I love him

4. Do you have any regular/favorite commenters?

Yeah, actually! If you comment on my stuff there is a 99% chance I’ll recognize you in my other works and stuff. But no matter if you’re a regular or a one-time guy, I love you anyway.

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

I never really reread my own stuff becuase cringe and there aren’t really many others I reread because I don’t have time anymore.

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

I don’t have any bookmarked but I do have 7 that I’m subscribed to. I subscribe more to authors than fics though.

7. Which AU do you kind yourself writing the most?

I don’t know...I write a lot of fantasy AU’s a lot or Soulmate AU’s or Coffee Shop AU’s....I have a wide variety lol

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

User Subscriptions: 23

Overall Subscriptions: 133

Bookmarks: 266

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it?

Shrug. Not much I can think of right now...

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, etc.

Updating. Definitely.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

Popular ships simply because most of the time I love them more than rarepairs, but I do write rarepairs frequently too.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

18.

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

A lot. I have 1 wip for my writing blog, 2 wips for my friend, and at least 5 wips that I have saved to work on and finish at some point to post to AO3.

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

 i aggressively write them down on a new document whenever I think of one.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

Kinda? Never was published and it was more like I was just the editor.

16. How did you discover AO3?

Long, long ago when I discovered fanfiction, I scowered the web for a good site and it was either AO3 or fanfiction.net and I liked AO3 better because it was easier to navigate.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom (s) on AO3?

Fuck no.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

Not really? I call everyone “babe” or “love” but no special nicknames. I’m not popular enough for that.

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

Of course. Everyone who writes fanfiction is an inspiration to me.

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Write for yourself at first. It’ll make things so much easier. Write whatever you want to write and don’t get frustrated if it doesn’t turn out perfect the first time around. Your first fanfiction won’t be the best but don’t let that discourage you. Keep pushing forward!

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

Kinda both? I have a clear start and end game but the middle isn’t plotted out. Hell, sometimes the end changes too depending where the flow of the story takes me.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

Again, kinda? Like, they were more of constructive criticisms than bad comments and I took them in stride to fix my writings. One was on my very first fic I ever published (i recently deleted it actually) and it said I had to work on my dialogue, one was telling me to work on reducing the amount of epithets I use, which I know I need to work on, and one was to stop using so many curse words (but I was writing Bakugou so cursing is very expected with his character that one I just kind of ignored)

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc...)

Smut probably is my worst area, simply because I’m a science nerd so I want to call everything by it’s proper name but it sounds awkward.

24. What story(s) are you currently working on now?

Current;y, I have a request I’m finishing up and I’m also trying to finish a chapter of a new AU i want to post eventually. 

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

I don’t really plan anything? If i have an idea, I write it down and get to it when I feel the motivation.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

I try to get at least one request done per day but I’ve been falling behind unfortunately. 

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

Fuck Yeah

28. What’s your favorite story that you’ve written?

Swim with Me

29. What’s your least favorite story you’ve written?

Smells like Home. I don’t know why but it just didn’t feel right to me when I wrote it but I said “fuck it” and posted it anyway.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

No clue.

31. What’s the easiest thing about writing?

The ideas.

32. What’s the hardest thing about writing?

The motivation.

33. Why do you write?

Because I like it. Simple as that. I don’t really write to make other people happy, though it is an added bonus and I enjoy it when I do make people happy, but I write because it’s something I want to do.

Tagging @kakuseis and @eien-misui-ni-goodbye and whoever else is a writer (i’m blanking my dudes sorry)

#tagged #fic asks #thanks love!!!

[twinmoles]

Heyy so I'm thinking about making a sideblog where I post wanna one gifs but the thing is I really don't know how to start ;; Like once I made an edit blog but it never got popular so I deleted it. Tbh I'm very afraid about being ignored and underrated, and I have no idea how to get known for my gifs. I always enjoyed editing and gif making, but I'm really not sure. Could you maybe share some tips with me? I'd be more than thankful. - Shy Anon

Oh goodness. Uhh, I’m not too sure how to answer this cuz I’m not even that big of a blog but I’ll try.

I guess the best advice I could give you is to not give up and to persevere with your blog. All of us started somewhere. Not everyone’s gonna be able to get 1k notes on everyone gifset they create or get 1000 followers in their first month on Tumblr. My first few gifsets got maybe 10 notes at most. Creating content is a learning process and you’ll slowly learn what gifsets people enjoy seeing and what captions they find entertaining.

I guess another thing would be to tag your posts correctly since that’s the easiest way for people to find your posts. Start getting into the habit of tagging your posts now so it’s a lot easier for others to find what they want on your blog. Just don’t overdue in your tags and put all 47203 different spellings of Ong’s name.

Also, see if any of the wanna one networks are accepting applicants. Networks are great ways of getting your content out there to people who might be following you already ^^

If you honestly enjoy creating gifs and edits, just do it! If you do what you love, people will see and appreciate the effort you put in :) 

When you make your blog Shy Anon, shoot me a message! I’ll be your first follower ^^

#reply #text #answers #I hope this helps Shy Anon #honestly not sure what really works cuz I'm still trying to figure it out myself #but I think something's working for me #good luck with your blog! #Anonymous #Shy Anon

[justanotherangryartist-blog]

Everything wrong with me.

hold on to your seats folks, this is gonna be a hell of a list.

disclaimer: I don't promote self hate, I'm merely trying to come to terms with my own issues. if you feel anything like I do, I suggest you seek out professional help, tell your loved ones and hold on. they say it gets better and for your sake I hope it does. be strong everyone.

......

so lets get right into it shall we

ill start by saying these are both mental and physical flaws I have that have dragged me down and I feel that if I say them out loud, or even type them, it'll hopefully hit home cuz lord knows I need a right kick up the ass right now

1. I'm impatient.

let me clarify this, I know it seems pretty easy to get but bare with me. I mean impatient in both the normal sense that I hate things taking time and in the way that the worse my depression gets the more I want instantaneous results, I make fictional plans in my head with very precise deadlines and time frames in which to get certain tasks done. if they don't happen I get very upset even though these are fictional situations I am imagining. I also cant make myself do things in actual life if it falls out of what I call the “ideal time” which basically means if its not initiated or done all together within a certain time frame? its not getting done at all, like ever.

2. I have an addictive personality.

yeah, we all know this can be bad, even those of us with it but we somehow manage to full people into thinking we got it under control, that we are just passionate. which is total bollox and we know it. for example, I get addicted to people, which is a huge problem as I tend to put them on a pedestal and when they don't live up to this or do something bad or cruel, instead of getting mad then moving on, my whole world with crumble, because at the time, they would've been my world. it doesn't just end there. I never really let go.

3. I’ve got a gambling problem.

this is both in the lottery, scratch card and such kinda way and the more dangerous way of ill gamble with things such as people and relationships. I just had to delete the lottery app from my phone just before I started writing this post because I know how bad its getting, I wasted money that I should've been saving since I'm out of work on lottery games cuz the mere tiny chance that I could win money and make my situation better was worth it in my eyes. I even stole money from my ten year old brothers piggy bank when I had no money in my account to bet and I had to go to the shop to buy a lottery ticket. the worst part is I had no remorse or regret at the time. I also gamble with relationships I've had, pushing boundaries just to feel the high, flipping the metaphorical coin to see if I'm gonna get lucky or not and continuing to flip it till its all gone to ruin.

4. I eat away my pain.

I'm severely obese for my age and the only reason I can still move is because of my fondness of walking. I gorge on food to stop the thoughts in my head. the easiest way to explain it is when you're watching TV and eating crisps and you have to pause the TV cuz you cant hear it over the sound of the crunch of the crisps. its deafening. the more I eat, the less I hear the thoughts coursing through my mind telling me how much of a failure I am. the more weight I gain the more withdrawn I get, the less I change out of pyjamas because nothing fits, the less I wash or put on makeup or do anything because giving a shit means excepting what's happened and what people see.

5. I overshare.

not just my problems, but everything. infact I tend to warp my own problems somehow when I talk about them so they don't seem so bad and then I drown out my own concerns and others peoples lack of understanding by just chatting to fill the silence. people hate it. or atleast that's the vibe they give off. even my parents, always asking if I'm done yet or why I didn't use up all my words during the day. I just cant stop. the more people don't get what I'm trying to say (which is a lot cuz I never really know how to talk about my actual emotions) the more I talk rubbish. then theres times when I'm talking about something that makes me happy to the point of excess and I just get so mad because nobody understands that the only reason I'm doing so is this is the only way I know how to put emphasis on “ok this makes me happy, be happy that I'm happy, help replicate this feeling”. I hate that I'm like this.

6. I don't know how to tell people how I'm feeling.

I hide behind my sense of humour a lot because I just don't know how to explain why I feel the way I feel, like the world makes no sense why my emotions change so rapidly, why I'm scared to sleep in my on room anymore why I avoid talking about the future because I live minute to minute not knowing what the next hour brings but if you say these things people just get upset and say things like “are you taking your medication?” “why don't you just talk to someone?” “why don't you try x, y and z” when all I want is someone to sit there, understand me and be like “I get it, and here's what WE ARE going to do and then you will be better. it doesn't work like that though, so I don't say anything, because what's the point of voicing a problem if you don't have a solution right? then you just sound depressed and no one wants to hear that.

7. I lose faith in my own ability. a lot.

I normally like to think I'm a good artist, that I'm great at makeup, that I'm good with children, that I'm a good listener, that I'm a good writer, that I'm wise that I'm smart that I'm clever. I don't think that much anymore. see a seed of doubt was planted in my mind and my issue was I was the one that let it grow. I lost my mojo with my art because nowadays I do it in hopes I can sell my pieces online to pay something off, this fact then triggers a chain reaction that leads to me doubting its selling potential, that my works not good enough at all, that being commercial would kill my talent, that I have no talent at all, that all my works shit and then all I can think about is painting USED to make me feel good. now its tainted by thoughts about my lack of talent, my lack of commercial value, and the fact that a moment spent painting is a moment that that house isn't getting cleaned and the bills aren't getting paid.

8. I'm scared of everything.

everything these days sends me into a panic. noises, debts, responsibility, the way people look or talk to me, anything and everything. its like everything's new and horrible again, I'm having to re learn how to go outside my own house and how to talk on the phone because everything's so terrifying. noises upset me because they signify life going on around me at an alarming pace and I just cant calm down with everything so loud in my ear its deafening, cant you hear it? even now as I write this I find myself rocking on my seat as I try to calm myself down. my minds so loud that even turn my head feels like whiplash, like everything's to fast and the only way I know how to cure it is to shut it off to shut it all off. it cant touch me if I don't move. life cant find me if I'm sleeping.

9. I sleep too much.

sleep is putting it lightly. what I really mean is I shut down a lot. it works for computers right? have you tried turning it on and off again? how many times before it reboots, I silently wonder if ill ever reboot or if they'll have to take me in and get my parts replaced. I silently hope they do. I mean how many times have you taken a broken laptop or ipod in to discover its go a broken screen or keypad or memory and you're gonna have to fork out a lot of money to fix that single component only for another component to break a month later, how many times have you just bought a new laptop, secretly happy that you don't have to deal with the damaged one anymore. I sleep to fix my single component knowing full well my batteries gonna go out soon anyway. wont someone just buy a new one of me?

10. I'm a bitter person.

I should mention the importance of the present tense. I'm not becoming, I'm already here, but the thing is ive not always been bitter either. I used to be happy, bit fat, bit emotional but happy. I prided myself on the fact I could make people laugh and I would get upset at myself if someone thought I was anything less than happy, because then they weren't happy. now I don't give two shits. ive become bitter, angry, selfish and cold. id say all I care about is myself but I don't even care about me. I'm angry that the world continues on without me fully present, I hate the fact that I hate myself and that I don't look good, that I'm not healthy. I fear no one will love me or truly connect with me and so ive become a recluse to the point that even when I do go out I seldom have anything to really talk about except for how unhappy I am. I see very little hope on the horizon, the few moments I have are in my own head usually, which just adds to my bitterness for not being able to properly enjoy reality. every interaction I have is tainted with bitterness over trying to enjoy myself in the first place when there is so much wrong in my life. I hate who I have become.

IN SHORT.... I HATE MYSELF.

its kind of poetic that as I finished that sentence the sun came out and the warmth hit me right through the window. I find myself almost smiling, breathing evenly as I type, almost happy to get it off my chest. to admit that I hate myself? its actually a relief, because now I can try to work towards doing something about it. I'm not naïve enough to think this'll solve everything, I know there will be days where I continue to hate myself and try to self sabotage my own efforts to get better. I'm not stupid enough to tell you guys that I have a plan of action because as a person who lives for instruction, I can tell you I have no clue what I'm gonna do to get better, and I wont leave you (if anyone actually does read this) thinking that it gets better instantly. see what I mean about the bitterness? but I will say this, I am secure and resolute in the fact that I don't like who I am, I am resolute in the fact that I don't have an immediate solution, but this doesn't mean I wont try to find one. could take days, could take months, could go one direction then stop and turn back, it doesn't matter because in accepting that there's something wrong I have only one direction to go in.

May anyone else struggling with these issues find the strength to accept your flaws and begin your road to recovery, or atleast take the exit for recovery and maybe stop at a pitstop for a while before heading on down that route, I aint gonna judge. Ill see you there.

#deppression #self harm #suicide #self image #self hatred #recovery #help #healing #trigger warning #bitter #fat #angry #sad #anxious #anxiety #depressed #hate #how to hate yourself

[uni-life-tips]

Tackling Unproductivity

It's okay to feel unproductive and useless etc.

As a student there are going to be days where it feels like you just can't do anything right. You start the day by spilling your coffee all over something important, you're late to class or go to the wrong room or get all the way there only to hear that class is cancelled and you could/should have slept in etc. Most of all, there are going to be days where you set out to be productive and get your homework done...and none of that happens and you feel useless.

This happens to everyone and getting frustrated at yourself isn't going to do you any favors.

In most of my upper-year semesters this happened often. I'd get out from my last class of the week and tell myself I'm totally going to be productive. I make a list of all the assignments and readings I have to complete and prioritize them. Then I get home and think "I've been in-class all week. Time to relax. I'll get started on that list bright and early tomorrow morning". Then I start watching a movie or something and I can't enjoy it 'cuz I'm constantly thinking "hey...you need to do your homework". So I end up trying to do my homework (failing due to lack of motivation) and I end up just refreshing Youtube about 50+ times (I wish I were exaggerating) and browsing the "Recommended" videos for about 4 hours. Again, I wish I were exaggerating but this is literally how my days are in Uni and I hate it.

We've been discussing webpage designs in some of my classes and we've learned that webpages with endless scrolling or pages that show you something new each time you refresh are running on game/gambling theories. People get addicted to the chance of something interesting happening with the next one. If you just keep scrolling you'll eventually find something interesting; if I just refresh Youtube again I'll find something interesting. Sound's kinda harmless...right? Well, replace "refresh" with "put in another quarter" and "Youtube" with "slot machine". Ta-Dah! This is how web-pages capitalize on addictive personalities and whatever else. This is why it's so freaking hard for me to just get off of Youtube and be productive. Next thing I know it's Monday, I've got to get to class, I have done absolutely none of my assignments or readings, but I now know how to wash and butcher 20 different fish for sashimi...as if I'm going to be able to get a fish on a student-budget living inland.

I've had entire weeks/months of this. This is where "good stress" comes in. I wouldn't have finished a draft of my paper if the deadline weren't 9 hours from the time I started. Yeah, I was supposed to start a month ago but I gave into the trap of constantly refreshing Youtube.

There's no easy answer and relying on deadlines to light a fire under your ass doesn't always work out and it's a horrible strategy. My strategies might not work for you, but if you're willing to read on then you'll find some of the ways I've tried that get me to be somewhat productive:

1) Get out of your room. Being alone in your room gives you the freedom to goof-off or go online. Your gaming systems are probably there. Your art-supplies, the bed, etc. Don't sit in a room full of temptations and expect that you won't be tempted to do something fun rather than study. If you don't need the internet or your computer or whatever else for a particular part of your academic work (e.g. readings either for a class or for a paper) then take what you need, leave everything else, and find somewhere else with fewer distractions to do the thing and don't let yourself go home until you finish it. It could be somewhere as close as your dining room table, or outside of your living area entirely: Univerity library, a food court, a random area where you can sit and be alone with your readings etc. Personally, I tend to go to foodcourts or fast-food joints with self-serve soft-drinks. Self-serve usually means unlimited-refills so long as you and the cup remain in the establishment. So I order a meal and plop down to eat and go through my readings/assignments while getting the most out of the drink I paid for. Also, being out in public means I'm a lot less tempted to just watch youtube videos or something.

2) Prioritize. Make a list of the stuff you have to do in order of importance. Define "importance" however you wish. I usually go by whichever ones are "due" sooner. E.g. I have: readings for the class on Monday, mini-assignment for Wednesday's night class, studying for an exam on Tuesday morning, laundry (2 weeks overdue therefore you have 4 loads instead of 2), and a paper due on Thursday. I'll create a numbered list: 1) Readings for Monday 2) Study notes for exam, 3) Mini Assignment 4) Paper 5) Laundry (2 loads). Then I try to stick to that list as much as I can. I usually end up deviating and that's my next point.

3) If you're having trouble getting anything done and getting frustrated with yourself, step back. Ignore the priority order and pick on the shortest or easiest task on your list. Get that out of the way to give yourself the confidence boost of having completed something. Ride that sense of accomplishment and work your way up to the most difficult or complicated task on your list. It won't feel as intimidating if you're riding the positive feelings of completing something. This is why small tasks like laundry, cooking, or cleaning are important to include. If you can't handle your academics right now and feel useless, work on laundry or cleaning or whatever. Simple tasks that are hard to mess up. You'll feel better once you've accomplished something, no matter how small. Don't beat yourself up over not having been productive in the "right" ways--sometimes you just need to feel like you accomplished something. This is also why I end up having tons of sweets and baked goods made during Hell Week in University. I'm stressed out, there's way too many exams to study for and assignments due. I can't focus on any one thing long enough to complete it because all the other stuff is screaming at me and I feel worthless. I feel even worse about myself because I "escape" and decide to bake stuff or make sweets. Then I have a ton of sweets and nothing else done. I am frustrated with myself but I do have to admit that I needed a 'win' in that situation. I needed to feel some sense of accomplishment. I have no idea how to complete my paper or what to study for the exam(s) but I did know how to bake those cookies so I'll munch on those while I try to break down my academic tasks into more managable steps.

4) Break down your work into more managable steps. Telling yourself "Write paper" might not be enough motivation or information to help you figure out where to get started. Instead, if you have a rough outline of phrases or points or references you want to include in your introduction as opposed to your body paragraphs then that'll make producing the paper easier on you. Some people just can't get started on a blank document. It happens to the best of us. If it does then break down your paper into pieces. Introduction, point 1, point 2, point 3, discussion, limitations/other considerations, conclusion. Also, it's good practice to create your reference/bibliography sheet as you find the articles. It's better to have 13+ random articles cited properly from the get-go and choosing which to delete than having to go digging around the library for something someone else may have checked out or worse, trying to find the article again on some online database. Don't do that to yourself. Cite once, cite it properly, and move on.

5) Do something enjoyable. Go out with a friend, complain to each other about assignments, gossip, joke around, laugh with each other. Try some new food at a new place or something. Take advantage of the daily special at a pub. Do something fun to forget about the workload you have no idea how to tackle. This is especially good if you're in the process of brainstorming topics for a paper or if you've finished a draft of something. If you're trying to formulate a topic and thesis statement then taking a break and letting your ideas incubate for a while (subconsciously) is good. When you get back to it you'll either see an angle you never considered before, realize it won't work, or whatever else. All ideas look good in the moment when you come up with them, but give it time to simmer and you might realize it was garbage and you wasted time barking up that tree. Same principle with a draft of a paper. Take a break to forget about it so that you can lay fresh eyes on it when you get back. You'll see the holes in the flow of your argument. You'll better-spot typos. That time away with your friend(s) wasn't a waste, it was re-setting your brain and allowing you time away from your ideas/paper so that you didn't end up married to them and blind to the faults in them.

Good luck! Don’t stay frustrated at yourself. That solves nothing and makes you feel horrible. Find some way to break yourself out of the rut and force yourself to look at the up-sides rather than the negatives. It’s a cliche psychological trick that’s been done to death, but it does have some merit to it. If all you focus on are the negatives, that’s what you’re going to see more of. Look for the positives and choose to focus on that. Rather than be frustrated about not being productive in the “right” areas, look at what you did manage to accomplish. I have a mountain of academic work I have no idea how I’m going to tackle and I’ve got 3 things due in 9 hours. It’s daunting. I wanna cry. But I have freshly-baked, home-made chocolate chip cookies. It’ll be a long night and I’m not sleeping tonight and I’m probably going to have to ask for an extension or figure out which one of these assignments I’m going to take a fail in...but I have cookies.

#Unilife #stress #productivity #unproductivity #procrastination #university student life #tips #university tips

[jawllines]

oKAY LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT ME TO PURSUE THIS FIC OKAY

Harry fucked up.

Now was it a tremendous fuck up? No, nothing life altering and terrible would come from it other than hard hitting embarrassment and shame if anyone were to find out he were lying. It was something he could probably weasel his way out of too, since he'd perfected the art of weaseling his way out of things in the past few weeks, but the fucked part is, is that he can't truly weasel the way out of his weasel, if that makes sense. Harry's dug himself into a pit that he's stuck in either way he goes about it -- damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.

See, Harry has been going through a period of time this year where he just liked being alone. Just liked staying at his flat and chilling out, after an outrageous Sophomore year in UNI where he had just exhausted himself of partying and balancing his academics on top of that. It seemed like a good idea to just cool down for a while this summer -- to just take a breather, recollect himself and his thoughts, maybe pick up knitting, or finally finish that Bukowski book he'd started midwinter and set down on his nightstand to not be touched since.

Though he had a group of friends who really didn't take that as an excuse to quit partying. It was their vacation after all, they're supposed to be living it up and having a blast while they can -- Harry included -- so if he wanted to get out of something he needed an excuse. A good excuse too, "I'm tired" didn't cut it with them.

So Harry had fabricated a girlfriend. And he knows, god he knows it's dumb, and childish, and he shouldn't be lying about something like this but it was the easiest way out! Ducking out of plans with the ol' "Ah m'sorry Mate, the missus' wan's to visit this Tapas restaurant," or "I would but m'staying in for a cuddle and as much as I love you lot, m'getting head tonight," always worked out smoothest. They never asked much about her, or at least Harry didn't really give them a chance to before he was off the phone. Sure he'd made up bits and pieces here and there that would make it seem like he really won it with this one and had them (especially Niall) thinking he's got the  perfect girlfriend. One who he rarely argues with (unless its playful), is just a freak in the bedroom, likes to pig out with him, smart as hell, gives great back massages, is funny as all get out, and smells sweet too.

Which was good for a while -- it was a safe, clean fib that he was getting away with. Or at least it had been, until he's put in a group chat with the lot of them talking about a cabin they've rented out an hour or two away for a small summer getaway. He gives it his best, he does, tries to wiggle out of it, but they beg and they plead with him.

We haven't seen you in sooooo long

right it's been like a decade !

cuz he's so whipped for his gf he's forgotten about us :(

just bring her too then, ffs, we haven't met her yet, this would be the perfect time to

Yes!! Bring the girl you've been gushing about, been wanting to meet her

u dont even have to pay for the cabin it's all squared away, it'll be so much fun H, u gotta

How was he going to say no to all of that? How could he say no and then explain that he's been lying this whole time, that there is no girl, and he's just been avoiding them all because he's tired? That'd sure start a ton of shit he doesn't want to much deal with.

So he responds without thinking it through to the full extent. Says yes, that they will go, and asks for all the details and times and whatnot, what he should bring and what he shouldn't. They're all stoked, so happy to see him and he can't say that it doesn't feel good that he's wanted -- it's a nice feeling it is, but he's got one aching problem that the love of friends just won't fix.

Harry's got to find a girlfriend that suits everything he's ever said to them in the next four days, or he's going to make a fool out of himself.

                                                                         .                        .                        .

Finding a fake girlfriend was a lot harder than he thought, more so since he'd told the boys that they wouldn't know her. So this requires a lot of digging, a lot of asking one night stands what they're doing in the upcoming week, a lot of asking old friends from Holmes Chapel to fly out so he didn't look like an idiot,  lot of panicked late night drafting, deleting, and redrafting a Craigslist ad. He was willing to offer money too, just for the sake of it and as the final selling point. He was starting to wish he hadn't said much about this fake girlfriend at all, so a fake boyfriend could've been a possibility too, but he hadn't thought that far into the lie.

Harry was just in the midst of realizing how much of a sad, dramatic Disney movie his life was turning into when he gets an alert on his phone. It makes him jump, it vibrating just towards the edge of the counter so he slaps his hand down atop of it to stop it from slipping off the granite. His heart is drumming from the adrenaline of saving his phone when he sees who it's from.

Heyyyy, I was wonderin' if I could have my pen back? I know its been a minute and I said you could have it but turns out that was my fav pen not the copy of my fav pen. I've got your cute flower sticky post-its to return to you too, so we could do a trade off.

Y/N was a girl who sat besides him during his Bio lectures this past semester. Really, she was the only thing that got him through it because he zoned out way too much and she always let him borrow her notes, partnered up with him when they had labs or projects, and always read through the final draft of some of the essays they had to put it (not just for Bio, but for some of his English courses as well). They'd bonded some, but she was one of those friends that really just stayed within the realms of school -- never ventured out of that.

During their exam they had to write a constructive response in pen and Harry hadn't brought one so Y/N let him use hers and in return he gave her his flower sticky notes so they would remember to give each thing back to each other. Neither did, however, and Harry had pretty much forgotten he had it until he came across it the other day. He'd been meaning to text her about it, but he'd left it on his coffee table and sort of just forgot about it again.

Now that Harry thinks about it, he wishes he would've kept in better contact with her. Y/N was a good laugh and nice to chat with -- made the two hour long labs seem like a breeze and the professor just adored her so they always got a damn nice grade. She was pretty amazing too, way fucking smart, and smells really nice -- like vanilla -- and sometimes she would bring in a big homemade bag of these fancy seasoned pretzel sticks that she let him dig into.

Well, now that he really thinks about it, she sounds exactly like the girlfriend he told the others about.

And well, fuck, it was a long shot, but Y/N might just be his best fucking chance at getting out of this scrape free. Y/N's pretty chill with a lot of things, goes with the flow, and is laid back when the time calls for it. Has their old Bio professor thing she was an absolute angel that the heavens bestowed onto this earth, so she was a pretty good actor as well.

He can't imagine this working out in his favor but he isn't just not going to ask. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and he's willing to give her any amount she wants for a week and a half of her time.

So he messages her back for a place and a time and when she offers the coffee shop a few blocks from his house he agrees, takes one more spoonful of the fruity pebbles he'd been cramming down his throat before closing his laptop and setting his phone down atop of it.  The goal right now is hopping in the shower and making himself smell all nice, fresh, and like a "Tropical Thunderstorm" that will hopefully aide in persuading her. All he could hope for right now is for her to agree easily -- hell, he'd even buy her coffee and one of those cute little strawberry hard shell cakes to buy her out.

Blowing a raspberry at the air, he stretches out his limbs towards the sky and the ground, before rolling his arms back. It looks like he's gearing up for a fight but he's just readying himself. This is quest he has to conquer or he's just absolutely, positively fucked.

                                                                                .                       .                      .

"Okay."

What? 

"What?"

Harry had met up with Y/N, bought her a coffee as planned and got them a booth in a comfortable little nook of the coffee shop. They served it in these huge mugs that she was both gushing over and bashing ("This is the most hipster shit I've seen in my life, but s'got such a cute little bunny on the side, I'm in love.), she slid him his sticky notes and he slid her the pen. After a suitable amount of chatter, like how their summer's have been going, and Y/N telling him a very intense story of how she had to help her friend escape from a club so her boyfriend didn't see her (they hiked her up through a bathroom window), Harry tried to bring it up cautiously and carefully. Explaining his dilemma the best he could, from the wanting some personal time to himself to cool down and relax, to the counterfeited girlfriend he'd conjured up, and ending with the fact that now he's expected to go to a cabin with said "girlfriend" to meet his buddies.

So he asked her, trying to keep himself from cringing at his own proposition.

"Would you pretend to be my girlfriend so I don't make a fool out of myself?"

And, well, she just said okay without a second thought at all.

"I said okay," her brows a furrow and a smile tugs at her mouth, "You aren't asking for a kidney, and the amenities include Wi-Fi, running water, and actual bedding as you informed me. Doesn't sound like too bad of a time either."

This went a lot smoother than Harry thought, and he's still blinking at her, wide eyed but  a grin is broadening across his cheeks, "So you'll do it? Really?" Y/N nods, and Harry just about jumps from his seat, stretching across the table to wrap his arms around her in a tight hug, "God you're a life saver! Thought you would tell me to fuck off or something." She returns the hug easily, which is good he thinks -- he hopes this means Y/N's good with being touchy feely, the way she squeezes him to her.

"S'no problem, really, what was I going to do this week anyways? All my friends took a trip to Australia and I refused because of the creatures they have living down there, so I just have loads of TV dramas queued up and candy I shouldn't be eating." She releases him as he settles back down into his seat, "So what kind of girl did you tell them I was -- like how should I act? M'I shy or outgoing, soft and sweet, or loud and brash, please don't tell me you gave them an eye color because I'm shit with contacts."

Harry is just positively giddy, wiggling in his seat as he takes a sip from his latte and tries to recall the nitty gritty details he's told them about her, "You're soft, cute, smart and really funny, so you don't need to work on anything there," he says cheekily and she rolls her eyes, tossing a crumbled up napkin at him, "We eat a lot together and ya give great back massages."

"I eat a lot on my own anyways so this is good." She chimes in and Harry makes a fist in triumph, "I dunno about the back massages, but I can work on my skills, surely. Anything else?"

"This ones the most important," he says, leaning in close, lowering his voice and she leans in as well in response to it, "We are very, very, very in love. We gotta sell this, do you think you can?"

Y/N waves at the air like she's brushing it off.

"Easy as pie."

                                                                          .                    .                     .

Harry is a jittery nervous and excited that he can't really explain. It's like -- he's pumped to see his friends again, he realizes he's missed the dolts after being a shut in for the few weeks he's had been. He's excited for them to meet Y/N, who isn't his real girlfriend but it's nice to finally have her to prove to them he's not lying (well, sort of), because this was sure to quash any doubts. Plus spending time with Y/N outside of Bio wasn't so bad either -- she's proven to be just as much of a good time as she was in there, in the outside world, so he worries none about the two hour trip driving down there nor pretending to be in love.

He's attempting to tidy his house some -- she's coming over tonight with her bags and everything packed so they can leave early-ish in the morning, and they need to go over a few more details before he forgets. They also have to practice being a couple. . .doing coupe-ly things, like cuddles, and hugs, and they can't make it look like it's been the first time they're touching each other or his friends would see through them right away. By tidying though, he's really just shoving things where they fit, stacking papers and cramming them into a book before slipping it beneath his chair, fluffing out his throw blanket and actually lying it on the back of the couch.  

#LET ME KNOW PLEASEE