#It makes me sad because it's.... technically unrequited | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cyhyr · 2 years

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There’s Happiness Here, Chapter 1

Fandom: Naruto

Rating: Not Rated

Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/OFM, Hatake Kakashi & Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, Minor or Background Relationship(s)

WC: ~7275

Warnings: Choose Not to Warn (Because I don't know yet what I will need to warn for)

Additional Tags: One Night Stands, Accidental Pregnancy, Identity Issues, Miscommunication, Panic Attacks, Unrequited Crush, Co-Parenting, Hatake Kakashi is Not Okay, but he's doing his best, Cheating, Minor Character Death, Endgame KakaIru, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Hatake Kakashi-centric, One-Sided Relationship

A/N: So back at the end of April 2022, I messaged my bestie: “What if Kakashi got stuck in a relationship he thought was going to be good, that seems good on the surface, and gets baby trapped and shit idk.”

Thus, this story was born!

And now that I’m finally over my seasonal depression and we’re back to just the Regularly Scheduled Depression, I finally have the spoons to write this now. I have no update schedule, and I don’t quite know what to set the rating at yet or what to add for tags and such beyond what are there.

But

I hope y’all will enjoy exploring this story with me! Enjoy 💛💛💛

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Kakashi watches from across the bar as the group he had followed in takes another round, toasting one of their own and giving him congratulations and condolences in equal measure. He takes a quick sip of his own drink, lowering his mask with one hand and replacing it easily in one smooth motion. He can't help but smile at their raucous laughter; a new batch of Academy teachers, celebrating their last night of “freedom” before their every social interaction is heavily scrutinized.

And among those celebrating, Umino Iruka—Kakashi had been present when he’d asked Sandaime for permission and a recommendation to take the teacher’s exam. Hells, he’d captained the mission that had led to Iruka’s decision to leave active service and become a teacher in the first place. And Kakashi truly thinks he’ll excel at being a teacher, once he’s got a bit of experience.

Iruka takes another shot, courtesy of his fellow exam graduate, Mizuki. From what Kakashi understands, Mizuki got through the exam on a technicality; the Academy needs seven new teachers, and he had the eighth highest score. But luckily for him, one of the other candidates backed out at the last moment, saying she’d rather pursue civilian work and leave the life altogether. It’s sad though; that particular candidate had very strong scores, and from what Kakashi had heard on the gossip line she was excited to get to work with the youngest children in the Academy.

A drop of alcohol slips out of the corner of Iruka’s mouth, and his tongue darts out to lick it away. The bar is humid, warm, and there’s a light sheen of sweat across his brow and collecting in his collarbones. Kakashi forces himself to turn away.

He downs the rest of his drink, fixes his mask, and lays a handful of ryō on the bar to pay his tab. Hands in his pockets, he shrugs his way through the crowd, past the celebrating chūnin, and very nearly makes it to the door without an issue. But it’s there, at the door, that his world flips upside down for good.

“I’m all done for the night, really!”

“C’mon, you can’t be serious.”

“Shizu-chan it’s my birthday!!”

A sweet, high-pitched giggle. “Yes, but I still have to work in the morning! I’ll see you all later, promise! Happy birthday again, Kaoru-kun. Have fun!”

Kakashi holds the door open for the woman following him out, smiling pleasantly down at her when she smiles up at him.

“Thank you!”

“Of course.”

They happen to walk side-by-side down the street, going the same way. Kakashi feels the anxious pull of awkwardness, and pulls out his worn copy of Icha Icha Paradise, flipping to a random page and beginning to read while he makes his way home. He gets through half of the page before the woman speaks up.

“I’m sorry, but is that Jiraiya-sama’s work? Icha Icha Paradise?”

Kakashi lifts his brow and glances over at her. “It is. Glad you can read a cover.”

She smiles. The streetlamps highlight her warm, chestnut hair, pulled back in a thick ponytail at the back of her head. “I love that series though!”

He chuckles. “Perhaps announcing to the Village at large that you greatly enjoy an adult romance novel series isn’t—”

“But it’s not his best work, is it? Have you read The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi ? That one was so good!”

Kakashi closes Icha Icha and slows his pace. “I have, actually.”

She lights up, her grin growing as she digs into it. How the worldbuilding was so thoughtful, the characters felt real, the action sequences were riveting and the political struggles were exasperating. Naruto was amusing and funny, Tsuyu was inspiring and sweet, and Renge’s betrayal was heartbreaking to read even through the filter of Naruto’s point-of-view.

Kakashi doesn’t even notice that they’ve walked past the jōnin barracks three times, cycled the block as they discussed various books, moving on to talking about her and what she does for the Village.

“Oh, dear, I’ve talked your ear off for over an hour and never even introduced myself,” she giggles. “Kame Shizukana. I’m a chūnin, active duty.”

Kakashi nods. “Hatake Kakashi. Jōnin.”

She flushes. “Oh, gods, you—I’m so sorry, I’ve been such a bother all night and you must have somewhere important to be and—”

“No, no, it’s… it’s been nice, getting to just talk with someone. A friendly chat. I don’t… my schedule doesn’t allow for it very often.”

She smiles at him and the silence that falls between them is almost comfortable. She looks up at the sky and says, “Can I tell you something I haven’t ever told anyone else, Hatake-san?”

“Would my saying no really stop you?”

She laughs, and barrels on. “Jiraiya-sama’s book? It’s what inspired me to become a ninja. I’m from a civilian family, and it was always assumed that I would just end up marrying some big strong shinobi, keeping his house and raising his children. But I’m much happier as a kunoichi, I think. And it’s all thanks to Jiraiya-sama.”

Some part of Kakashi feels… floppy. Gooey. He doesn’t particularly like the feeling, but it’s not going away the more that they walk, and so he speaks up. “I was born shinobi, raised as such. I don’t think I ever could have become anything different.” He looks down and over at her, Shizukana , and asks, “Can I walk you home?”

She giggles. “We’ve actually passed my apartment twice already,” she says, turning them around and leading the way back to her apartment. “I just… I’ve had so much fun, getting to talk with you. None of my friends are into reading as much as me, and half of them are still civilians so I can’t talk ninja stuff with them, either.”

“I’ve been having some crises of my own that I can’t talk about with my… my friends,” Kakashi admits. “But this truly has been a wonderful reprieve.”

They stop in front of a well-lit building, and Kakashi follows her to the door. His mouth goes dry as she turns back to him and shyly asks, “Did you… wanna come inside?”

From behind, he hears the soft laughter he had followed earlier in the evening, and turns once more to the noise. Coming around a corner, Iruka and his friends stumble over each other, holding one another upright and laughing about something .

Shizukana reaches out for his hand, gently wrapping her fingers around his wrist. She’s so slight, small, demure; and she gives him the lightest tug. Kakashi turns back to her and steps inside, and once the door shuts behind him, she leans up on her toes to kiss him over his mask. He’s able to slip one arm around her waist and pull her close, pulling down his mask to kiss her properly.

They don’t make it to bed, not the first time. He takes her right there in the genkan, her legs around his waist and his hands pressing into the backs of her thighs to hold her up. She kisses him sweetly while he works them both to completion, and after they’ve finished, he lets her down and holds her at the waist until her legs stop quivering.

By the time they make it to bed, Kakashi’s finally unearthed the condoms he keeps in the bottom of his pouch. Nearly every kunoichi in Konoha has the implant, but this will be easier to clean up. They spend much of the night chatting about their favorite Icha Icha scenes and reenacting the ones that they both agree on. Just after midnight, Kakashi finally picks himself up and dresses himself.

“You don’t have to go,” Shizukana says. “I don’t mind.”

He shakes his head, and leans down to kiss her again. “It’s not you. I have a mission in the morning. If I stay, I won’t rest before I leave.”

She nods. “Alright, I understand. Can I see you again, when you get back?”

Kakashi hesitates. “ If I get back… sure.”

Shizukana bounds up to kneeling on the bed and smiles wide. “That’s so exciting! How long?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Oh,” her smile drops. “Oh, it’s… It’s really an if , then?”

He nods. “It always is an if . But if I return, I’ll come visit you.”

Kakashi finishes dressing and then steps over to the window. He looks back at her and smiles once more, “Good night, Shizu-chan.” Then he hops out the window and runs across the rooftops to his apartment, where he settles down for the first good sleep he’s had in… a long time.

*~*

His mission takes him out of Konoha for six weeks, tracking down and eliminating an unknown threat that was kidnapping and ransoming back small children of the villages around the Land of Fire. Kakashi is able to take out the entire organization, a small operation of barely thirty people, and return the currently captured children to their homes.

Only two of them were too young to be able to tell him where they came from. The mayor of one of the affected towns offered to foster the two children until Kakashi could find their parents. It took him about two additional weeks to figure out which of the reported incidents hadn’t been resolved with their child’s return, and also to travel to those people and confirm that the children currently in foster care belonged to those individuals. He brought the last two children home, was thanked profusely for his diligence, and then turned his feet back to Konoha.

Three weeks dealing with parents and small children is more than enough. Hopefully, Sandaime will have something easier for him upon his return.

He spends his last night outside of Konoha camped in a tree, his eye closed and imagining what is waiting for him back in the Village. Warm, chestnut hair, a sweet laugh, someone well-read and intelligent; a thin waist, strong legs, generous mouth—

Kakashi gets himself off to the memory of Shizukana, and doesn’t notice until he’s gasping the wrong name that his fantasy had shifted to feature someone else. He settles down to sleep feeling uneasy, but wondering if it could ever work out…

*~*

Once back within the Village, Kakashi’s first stop is to the Mission Desk to turn in the report he’d filled out on the way home. He’s patient enough, stands in line and waits his turn; and if he reads a few lines of Icha Icha Paradise while he’s waiting, he’d like to see anyone bring it up. Finally, the next available desk worker calls for the next in line, and Kakashi slips his book back into his pouch before approaching.

What luck—

“Oh, hello Kakashi-san,” Iruka smiles. “You’ve been out for a while; seven weeks, right?”

Kakashi nods. “Mopping up a kidnapping operation,” he says, offering the report to Iruka to peruse. He’s not going to check actual mission details; that’s for the archive team to study and the Hokage to receive any particularly pertinent information. Iruka glances over the report to ensure that it is complete, and that Kakashi didn’t wander in his description of what happened. As they stand there quietly, Kakashi clears his throat and says, “I didn’t get a chance to congratulate you. I heard you passed your teacher exam.”

Iruka looks up at him and grins wide and bright. “I did! Actually, the day before you left was when the scores were announced.”

Kakashi chuckles quietly. “You remember when I left, sensei?”

The flush that dusts Iruka’s nose is so very fetching. “Well, I work at the Desk, and I… well. Yes, I remember.”

He doesn’t push it any further than that. Just lets his eye crinkle with the smile hidden by his mask and says, “Either way, congratulations. You will make a fine teacher, I’m sure of it.”

Iruka ducks his head and smiles softly, going back to the report. “Thank you, Kakashi-san. I hope I can live up to your expectations, someday.” He finishes, stamps the report, and rolls it back closed before tucking it into the basket behind him marked A-rank. “Thank you for your work, Kakashi-san.”

“Of course,” Kakashi nods. “Ah, before I go, perhaps you have another mission for me?”

Iruka chuckles. “You just got back! Surely you’d like at least one night in the Village before getting sent back out?”

Kakashi winces, but makes sure that the motion is almost playful. “Sure, sure, but that doesn’t mean I can’t grab the mission for tomorrow?”

The flush is still just barely there on Iruka’s cheeks as he turns and picks a new mission from the pile of A-ranks before unrolling it and giving it a glance. The door to the Desk room opens, but Kakashi is watching Iruka, focused solely on him, and so he doesn’t notice the other person slinking up behind the Desk until they’re already behind Iruka and preparing to drape themself over his shoulders. Kakashi stiffens, feeling oddly nauseated as Mizuki kisses Iruka’s cheek and tries reading the mission scroll over his shoulder.

Iruka, though, quickly rolls it back up before turning his smile up to Mizuki. “You know you can’t look at these, you don’t have clearance from Sandaime,” he scolds playfully.

“Oh, come on, Iruka,” Mizuki scoffs. “It’s not like knowing where Hatake is going is gonna make a difference anyway. He has, what, a five-percent failure rate?”

Kakashi’s hackles rise and he just about opens his mouth to answer, but Iruka beats him to it.

“Hatake-san has a zero-point-eight-percent failure rate, and that’s a generous estimate. Better than your fifteen-percent, Mizuki. Back up, please, and wait until I’m done assigning this mission.”

There’s a flash in Mizuki’s eyes, but it’s there and gone too quick for Kakashi to figure out what it was. But, the man steps back with his palms up in a placating gesture, and Iruka reopens the scroll and turns it around on the desk to let Kakashi read it.

“Is this one alright, Hatake-san?”

Kakashi nods. “It’ll do. I’ll need to put together a team before I leave though; is this time-sensitive at all?”

Iruka checks the request sheet that came with the mission and then nods, “Yes, but it’s very generous. They’re requesting that the mission be completed before the end of next month.”

“Then, maybe I’ll see you around before I leave?”

Iruka grins and says, “That would be nice. If you don’t mind, there’s—”

“Iruka,” Mizuki whines. “C’mon, I don’t have long before I have to get back to my post, and your break was supposed to start five minutes ago. Hurry up .”

“Right, yes,” Iruka murmurs. “Sorry, we’ll have to make plans some other time, Kakashi-san.”

“That’s,” his voice catches in his throat, and he starts again, “that’s alright. Some other time. Best go visit with your friend.”

Iruka’s smile turns soft and sweet, and oh it hurts to see him so happy but for someone else. “Boyfriend, actually. But thanks. I’ll finish the paperwork for you when I’m back from my break, if you could just sign here in the book?”

Kakashi quickly scrawls his name on the line next to the mission’s call number, takes the scroll, and gives Iruka a final salute as he stands up and goes to Mizuki. Kakashi watches from the side as Mizuki wraps a hand around his waist and leads them out of the room. Iruka looks back over his shoulder and waves to him as they turn the corner. His heart flips, and his stomach turns, and Kakashi leaves to go out into the Village.

Ah, well.

There’s always the other cute brunette he can go visit.

*~*

He paces back and forth across the rooftop opposite Shizukana’s apartment building, wondering if he even should go and knock. Likely, the girl forgot all about him, after almost two months of his being gone coupled with them having only met the one time.

Plus, he and Iruka had something going on earlier at the Mission Desk. Tension, or whatever. And gods, he’s so damn attracted to Iruka it’s ridiculous. Shizukana is sweet, and she’s pretty enough, but…

Then again. He did say he’d come back, if he came back. And, well. If nothing else, maybe she’d be interested in having sex again. It was very good the first time, and he can only imagine that it’ll be just as good the second time.

He pulls himself together and hops over to her door, hoping that there’s not a social construct he’s missing here where he should have brought flowers, or extra condoms, or whatever. He knocks, and then steps back and waits. And when the door opens just a little bit and Shizukana’s big brown eye peeks around the wood of the door.

He waves, “Hello again, Shizukana-san. I’m… I’m back.”

The door opens the rest of the way and—well, he was expecting her to be happy to see him, if she remembered him at all. But the look of sheer relief that floods her face is a little bit… odd.

Before she can say anything else, he drops his voice to a cautious murmur and asks, “Is now a bad time? Are you alright?”

The relief doesn’t fade, but her lips do open up in a genuine smile. “No, no, everything’s… everything’s alright! Would you like to come inside?” She steps back and brings him inside, and he steps out of his sandals as she shuts and locks the door behind them. He shrugs out of his vest and she clears a spot on her rack where he can hang it up. He turns to her, expecting another frenzied encounter like their first, but she just smiles shyly at him and asks, “Tea?” before moving along to the kitchen.

He sits down on her couch and waits for her to get back. This isn’t going at all like he thought it would. Gods, he hopes he’s not going to get a love confession. They only spent one night together, and she’s only two years younger than he is. Neither of them are ready for something so life-changing as love , and to be honest, Kakashi is fairly certain he’s incapable of the emotion anyway.

She does, finally, come back with two cups of tea, handing him one of them. “I didn’t add anything sweet,” she says. “I remember you mentioned that you don’t like sweets.”

He thanks her and then takes a sip. Hot and smooth, slightly bitter; it’s oddly perfect. He raises a brow at her while she simply cups her mug and stares down at the steam silently. “Shizukana-san,” he starts, “if you have something to tell me, then please just—”

“I’m pregnant.”

The words hit him like ice, over his head and down his back and all he can seem to say is, “…What?” over the ringing and roaring in his ears as the words seem to echo behind his eyes.

“I haven’t been with anyone else,” she continues quickly. “It has to be yours.”

Kakashi carefully sets his cup down on the table in front of them before his shaking hands force him to drop it. Then, he sits back. “You haven’t been with anyone else since me, or…?”

“Well, no; but also, I hadn’t…” She blushes furiously and admits, “You were my first, not counting missions…”

He stands up to pace, stalking around the living room in a circle.

“You’re pregnant.”

“Yes.”

“And I’m the…?”

“Father. Yes.”

He stops and stares from across the room at her, finally losing his temper, just a little bit. “Why didn’t you get a morning-after treatment?!”

“I didn’t think I needed to! We used condoms!”

“Don’t you have the implant?”

She looks down and away, sheepishly. “Well, I…”

He groans. “We fucked unprotected the first time,” he says. “Every ninja with a uterus above the age of sixteen is supposed to have the implant!”

“I never got one because I—I was scared that it would make me… want .”

“That’s not how they work, though!” Kakashi says, exasperated. How could any kunoichi, let alone a chūnin, believe something so conservative and old-fashioned?

He continues, “They’re supposed to protect us from situations just like this. What if it hadn’t been me, but some enemy nin in the field??”

She starts crying, quiet tears slowly drifting their way down her cheeks as she sets down her own tea so that she can cover her face with her hands. “I don’t know what to do,” she admits. “I tried going to the women’s health clinic, to schedule an abortion. But they did some scans and asked me if I knew who the father was, and when I mentioned your name—”

“They denied your request,” Kakashi sighs. “It’s because I’m the last of my clan. Legally, any children I… help to create… can’t be aborted unless the health of either the child or mother is at risk.”

“I’m sorry,” she cries. “I shouldn’t have said anything to them. I’m so sorry.” She sniffles and looks up at him with a wet half-smile and says, “I mean, it’s not all bad, right? We’re… we’re going to be parents!”

Kakashi stills and his mouth goes dry.

Oh gods .

He’s going to be a parent. A father.

“Where… is your toilet?”

Shizukana wipes her eyes and points aside, confused. Kakashi doesn’t explain, just throws himself into the water closet and kneels over the toilet, pulling down his mask at the same time as the first heave of bile and vomit rises. He does his best to throw up quietly, but he has a strong stomach on the battlefield and that’s really it . When he’s finished and flushed, he hears Shizukana on the other side of the door, asking if he’s okay.

He’s not.

He’s very much not okay .

There’s a small window above the toilet, just barely big enough that he could flicker out through it. It would leave Shizukana alone in her home for a time, but Kakashi needs to leave. He needs to…

Fuck.

He needs to get his affairs in order.

He’s going to have a child.

He opens the window and flickers out into the Village, and once the fresh air hits him he runs .

*~*

His feet eventually stop at the entrance to the old Hatake Compound, and Kakashi groans and scrubs his face with his palm before opening the long-closed gate and stepping inside. The perpetual twilight of the clan barrier sets the overgrown gardens in a wash of pink and orange, the shadows long and lonely stretching out from each bush and tree. Kakashi hasn’t been here in years—well over a decade now. Hands in his pockets, he strolls along the stone path through the empty Compound.

Someday, this place will have life in it again. And that thought, above even the idea that he’s to become a father, scares him so much. He’d just finally accepted that his ancestral home would remain abandoned until reclaimed by the Village, some day long after his death. But now…

Now it’s supposed to become a home again.

Kakashi can’t—he can’t live here. Not with the ghosts of his memory pressing in on him from all sides.

Maybe his child can inherit this place and live here when they’re grown. He’ll have to see about retaining a gardener and getting the buildings back up to livable condition. But that doesn’t have to happen today.

No, today he needs to finally find the old Hatake seals, their Clan lineage scroll, and arrange for Shizukana to have access to the funds she’ll need to… to take care of their child. He finds the scrolls he needs in the main house, the one he enters by holding his breath and hoping that he’s fast enough that he doesn’t need to breathe in the smell of rot and death that still lingers on the edge of his memory.

The lineage scroll falls and rolls open across the floor and Kakashi sucks in a breath as he stares at it. A once mighty family tree, focused down through the years and reduced to one final, pathetic limb. The last name on the scroll is his own. Kakashi stares at his father’s neat handwriting, the characters that make up Hatake Kakashi , and follows the little line leading backwards from his name to his father’s, and the line that connected his father to his mother.

Hatake Kakashi. Hatake Sakumo. Hatake Airi, his mother.

These were supposed to be the last names ever written on this scroll.

And now.

Now Kakashi will have to add his own line. He’ll have to write Kame Shizukana next to his own name, and draw the line to the next generation, to where he’ll place his child’s name.

Their child.

Kakashi scoops up the scroll and runs outside, dropping everything haphazardly and slamming his knees on the ground while he fumbles for his mask. He holds his stomach with one hand, hoping that he won’t throw up again, and monitors his pulse with the other. He feels his heart pounding in his neck, his eye goes blurry and his cheeks become wet, and he can’t take a good breath in.

He can’t do this.

He can’t .

He doesn’t know how; and this isn’t something he can simply read up on and do his best. There’s a small human who will be relying on him, Shizukana will be relying on him, and if he fucks this up it’s not just a failed mission and a decrease in his mission rating. He could hurt them both if he…

Fuck.

He doesn’t have time for a panic attack. He has shit to do.

He forces chakra through his heart to make it slow down, sucks in a breath and holds it for a few seconds before letting it hiss out through his teeth slowly. He stands up, looks back at the scrolls on the ground, and cleans everything up. Righting his mask over his face, he leaves the compound with the pieces he’ll need going forward.

This place is no home for him, and certainly not for raising his child. But maybe someday they’ll bring him back here, and when that day comes, perhaps Kakashi can make it through the day without the pressure of memory.

The next place he goes to is the bank. He only knows Shizukana’s name and address, so it’s difficult to add her as an authorized user to his accounts. Ultimately, he sets up a trust under Hatake Child with a note that the name is to-be-determined, and makes it so that Shizukana has access to that account in particular. She’ll still need to come in and personally sign some paperwork before she can make withdrawals, but Kakashi finds himself able to breathe just a little bit easier after moving his money around and making sure that the child will be financially taken care of.

While at the bank, he also speaks to someone regarding a home purchase, but iterates that he’s not sure yet the particulars of such. He’s assured that with his funds he should be able to purchase any house in the Village, or even have one specially built to his needs and wants. Kakashi is fairly certain that a custom house won’t be necessary, but he takes the information anyway.

It’s late when he finally returns home, scrolls and brochures from the bank end up scattered on the table. He should have gone back to Shizukana, to at least let her know he’s not abandoning her. But he… he can’t, not yet.

He needs to sleep off his mission he only just got back from. Sleep off the panic attacks he’s had on and off all day. Sleep away the anxiety and the frustration and the anger, until all that’s left is a clear head and a steady hand. He lays down in his futon and closes his eye, begging his body to relax enough that he can fall asleep.

*~*

Saturday morning comes and he sits up, exhausted. He didn’t sleep much at all, save a few long blinks. But at least he doesn’t feel…

Well, no. He’s still terribly anxious, his heart fluttering in his chest and his stomach cramping with the desire to turn over. He hasn’t eaten since yesterday morning, before he got back from his mission. The few sips of tea at Shizukana’s house don’t count—he vomited that up so soon after ingesting it.

What he needs to do today is much harder than collecting some scrolls and seals from the Hatake lands. He gets up, uses the bathroom to wash and relieve himself, thinks for half a second about making something to eat but then casts that thought aside, and then heads out into the Village. His first stop is the Mission Desk—and what does it say about him that he’s rushing across the rooftops to the Hokage Tower, to the Desk, running because his one-night-stand is going to have his child in about seven months, and still there’s a part of him that is excited at the prospect of seeing Iruka again.

The Mission Desk is deserted this early in the morning, save for the lone chūnin filing scrolls and setting up for the day. Kakashi approaches the Desk and clears his throat; Iruka turns around and smiles so brightly. “Back so soon, Kakashi-san?”

Kakashi winces and fishes out the scroll from his pouch. He sets it down on the desk as Iruka comes over and takes his seat, but looks up at Kakashi with confusion. “I’m afraid I can’t accept this mission after all,” Kakashi says, pushing it towards Iruka.

The look of confusion dissolves into a frown as Iruka lays his hand over the closed scroll. He reaches for his assignment book and flips to the section with the A-ranks, and crosses out Kakashi’s name on the assigned column beside its call number. “Is everything alright?” he asks as he does this.

The ringing begins again in his ears, numbing pain behind his eyes, and the chill settles back over his shoulders. It’s not as bad as it was yesterday, but Iruka’s wide eyes looking up at him with such blatant concern, along with how alone they are in this room, makes his anxiety shoot up once again. Gods, nothing is ever going to be the same.

For the first time since leaving Shizukana’s home yesterday afternoon, Kakashi says it aloud. “I’m… going to be a father.” It’s no announcement, not a loud phrase, but simply saying it to someone else makes it so real.

Iruka’s eyebrows go all the way up, looking nearly as stunned as Kakashi feels, before he fixes himself and resets and smiles. Kakashi can tell that the smile is forced, but he’s not sure why Iruka feels the need to force himself to smile in this situation. “Um, well then, congratulations, Kakashi-san!”

Kakashi is able to nod, feeling the rise of vomit in his throat, and says quickly, “I’ll… come back for a new mission once I’ve… I’ve…”

Iruka chuckles softly and shakes his head. “This is wonderful news, and I’m sure the Hokage would love to hear of it, once your partner is ready to share their status. Don’t worry about taking a new mission right now, you have more important things to take care of.”

“I just… right. You’re right,” Kakashi stammers. “Thank you. I do need to go and see Sandaime anyway.”

“But make sure your partner is ready to announce,” Iruka chides him gently. “And take a deep breath. You look like you’re about to topple over with how stiff you’re holding yourself.”

Kakashi loudly sucks in a breath and Iruka laughs and smiles at him for it. The pit of anxiety in his stomach eases just that little bit, hearing Iruka’s soft laughter and basking in the warm glow of his smile.

“I… thank you, Iruka.”

“Of course. It's no problem at all.”

“I have to… go. I’m sorry.”

Iruka waves his hand. “I’m sure there’s plenty of things you need to do. Nine months can go by very quickly. If you ever need help, with anything, let me know and I’ll see what I can do.”

Kakashi can’t find the words to properly thank him again, and so simply nods and turns away to leave. He’ll see Iruka again soon enough; fatherhood or no, he’s not planning on giving up his duty and profession. As Iruka works here at the Mission Desk, Kakashi will continue to see him.

*~*

Kakashi wanders the Village, trying to muster up the confidence to go back to Shizukana, but finds himself instead outside of the Nara compound. It’s unlikely that Shikaku is home today, especially in the middle of the day, but there are only a few people he thinks he can ask about this and get a straight, firm answer. He waves to the two at the Nara gate, and they let him stroll inside without any interrogation. The main house is in the center of the compound, and Kakashi approaches slowly upon seeing Shikaku and his young son sitting on the porch with a shogi board between them.

Shikaku notices him before the boy does, humming and grumbling, “Well, you’d better come on inside. Yoshino just put away lunch, but you don’t look like you can stomach much anyway, hm?”

Kakashi shakes his head silently and waits while Shikaku wins the match. The man smiles fondly down at his son while he studies the board to find where he went wrong. Then, Shikaku gives him an inviting wave of his hand and brings him inside. Kakashi follows, and feels the boy’s eyes on him as he passes.

“You look like shit,” the kid says in a bored tone.

Before Kakashi can say anything, Shikaku growls over his shoulder, “Watch your mouth, brat. Go find your mother, see if she can find something for an uneasy stomach.”

He can hear the kid mutter something under his breath, but they’re already inside and gone down a hallway before it can properly register. They turn into Shikaku’s study, and Kakashi drops onto the floor beside the chabudai, bracing his forehead against his raised knees while he waits for his stomach to settle once more.

Shikaku is watching him barely hold himself together, but he can’t find the energy to care right yet. He feels ill; worse than he did this morning.

A soft knock at the door sounds out in the room before it slides open. Nara Yoshino comes in and sets a pair of chopsticks and a bowl, lightly steaming, on the chabudai beside Kakashi. She says nothing to him, but he can see that she and Shikaku exchange some sort of look before she leaves again.

“You do look like shit, though,” Shikaku finally says to him. “What’s going on, kid?”

Kakashi can’t find it in him to touch the food, even though he’s sure that Yoshino will have his head later for wasting it. The bowl has soft rice and steamed vegetables, along with one slice of pork. He’s sure that if he did have an appetite, it would be delicious.

His father used to often remind him to eat the meat offered at mealtimes, not just the rice and vegetables. He usually suffered through it because it meant that Sakumo would take him to the park after dinner, or let him have extra time in their dojo. And that’ll be him, too, someday soon—bribing his child to at least taste everything offered on the table before they can run off and play.

“How did you react, when you found out?” Kakashi asks, unable to lift his head.

“Hmm?”

“That you were going to be a… a father. How did you react?”

Shikaku shifts, perhaps a bit uncomfortably, but he answers, “Well, we knew it was possible. Choza had announced his wife’s pregnancy, and I had a good feeling about Inoichi and his partner as well. We were trying to have a child, to set up the next generation of our clans. When Yoshino told me, even though we were actively trying, it was still a surprise.”

Kakashi draws himself in tighter. Maybe this was a mistake. He and Shikaku are nothing alike in this regard, he had wanted Shikamaru, had actively tried to create him. Kakashi and Shizukana’s child is a complete accident—

“If I’m completely honest with you, Kakashi, when Yoshino told me I was going to be a father, I was scared shitless.”

Kakashi perks up a little bit, peeking over his knees. “But it was still… Shikamaru was still planned?”

“Well, as planned as these things can be, I suppose,” Shikaku allows. “Every child is a surprise, I think, even if you plan for them.”

A surprise doesn’t even begin to describe it. Gods, Kakashi can still hear it, plain as if she’d just said it to him: I’m pregnant. I haven’t been with anyone else. It has to be yours.

“Kakashi—?”

“My father,” Kakashi starts, horrified briefly as his voice breaks. He starts again, “My father k-killed himself before I could ever ask him… if I was a surprise. If he… If he wanted me.”

Shikaku gives him a few moments to pull himself together before he says, “Sakumo always spoke well of you. I don’t think anyone who knew him for more than an hour could get out of the conversation doubting his love for you. Even if you were a surprise, your father wanted you, Kakashi.”

Kakashi shakes his head, feeling like something is trying to claw its way out of his chest. “He left ,” he manages to spit. “How am I—? How am I supposed to do this when I didn’t have—?!” His phrase breaks off with a choke, his breath and pulse coming fast and making him lightheaded.

A firm hand rests on his shoulder and Kakashi listens carefully as Shikaku guides him out of the panic attack. Deep breaths, refocus your chakra, listen to my voice , all of these things Shikaku says in a low, careful tone as Kakashi shakes and gasps for breath. “I’m going to pull down your mask, to let you take a good breath,” Shikaku warns him before he does it. His thumb strokes the base of his skull and Kakashi lets out a pitiful whine as he leans into Shikaku’s side. “What’s going on, Kakashi?”

For the second time today, Kakashi murmurs, “I’m going to be a father,” and it feels like being struck across the face, leaving him in a state of vertigo. His ears start ringing again. “It was an accident, I barely even know the girl, but she can’t—can’t get rid of it, because I’m the last of my clan. Or I was, I guess.”

Shikaku nods and lets Kakashi stay against his side. “Your anxiety is understandable, in this situation. Are you going to stay with her, raise the child?”

Kakashi shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t know her, but she… she’s growing the next Hatake.”

“Maybe don’t phrase it like that,” Shikaku chuckles softly. “From my experience, women don’t like their pregnancies to be referred to as ‘growing a child’.”

Kakashi lets himself smile, just a little bit, just for a moment. “But as for the child,” he says, his smile fading, “I think… I think I do want to be involved with them. Help raise them. I’m not sure how to do that if I’m not… involved, with her.”

“You need to go and talk to her, then,” Shikaku says. He pushes Kakashi to sit up and then grabs his jaw to make Kakashi look at him. “For what it’s worth, I think you’ll be a great father.”

“I had a really shitty role model,” Kakashi mutters. “What’s to say I don’t… leave them, the way he left me?”

Shikaku sighs. “If it ever happens that you feel like following in Sakumo’s footsteps in that regard, you come to me and I’ll set you straight. I can promise you that.” His demeanor hardens then, and he continues, “But don’t you dare say he was a shitty role model. He raised a fine young man, for the time he had in this life. And if you turn out to be half the father Sakumo was to you, then your child will be just as fine as you.”

*~*

For the second time in as many days, Kakashi paces nearby Shizukana’s home. This time, though, instead of wondering if he even should go and knock, he’s wondering how he should approach this. He does need to go and tell her that he’s committed to raising the child with her. However, he also needs to impress upon her that he’s not willing to get married to do this, or even to tie himself down to her at all.

He’s committed to the child, not to Shizukana. This will be fine. She’s a ninja, she’ll understand.

He flickers back to her door and knocks, and although he can tell that she’s inside because he can sense her chakra thrumming within the apartment, she doesn’t come to let him inside. On a whim, he tries the knob and finds the door unlocked, slowly entering with the full expectation that something is horribly wrong and that someone has already come for her because she’s carrying his child—

But instead, she’s simply curled up on the couch, hugging a throw pillow and crying quietly into the cushions. Kakashi crosses the room and kneels down in front of her, checking for injuries, “Are you alright? What’s wrong, what happened—?”

“I’m sorry!” she hiccups. “I’m sorry, I knew you wouldn’t want the baby, I’m sorry, but I just thought that maybe we could—could be happy and… and…” She devolves into sobbing again.

Kakashi, confused and alarmed, gently puts his palm on her waist to try and soothe her. At the same time, he also pushes a slight amount of chakra into her abdomen to check on their child; the embryo is fine, as far as he can tell with his limited knowledge of medicine. “It’s alright, I… Can you explain why you’re crying, though?”

She rubs her eyes and looks up at him with the same kind of confusion he’s been giving her. “You left!”

He cringes, because she’s right; he did leave. And now that he knows why she’s crying, coupled with the likely addition of pregnancy hormones, he feels awful for doing so. But still, “I’m sorry,” he says. “I panicked. I shouldn’t have left, but I did and I’m sorry.”

“I knew you didn’t… That you wouldn’t want anything to do with me,” she whispers wetly, “I didn’t expect that you… I just wanted you to know.”

The relief he feels must be similar to the kind she felt upon seeing him yesterday. She doesn’t expect anything from him, which is perfect; he’s not ready for a relationship, certainly not with someone he barely knows. Thank the gods she already understands.

“I do appreciate you telling me,” he says. “I just… I’m here to let you know. That I’m going to stay; that I want to be in the child’s life. I… I’ll never leave them, not willingly.”

She sniffles and sits up, Kakashi’s hand slipping from her waist to her lap. She smiles at him shyly and asks, “R-really? You’ll… with me?”

Kakashi nods. “I want to help you raise this child, if you’ll let me. Whatever way you want me to help, I’m prepared for—be that simply a silent financial beneficiary or a more hands-on co-parenting situation.”

Shizukana nods rapidly. “I don’t mind, really! Whatever way you think is best!” She flushes as she continues, “I… I have a doctor’s appointment in two days, to verify the due date and such. Would you like to come?”

He fidgets a bit, and she takes his hand on her lap and threads their fingers together. After a deep breath and a loud exhale, he nods. “That… yes. I would, if you truly want me there.”

“It’s your baby, too, Kakashi-kun,” she giggles wetly. “And it’ll be the first time we get to see them!”

Kakashi nods and accepts her leaning forward and kissing his cheek. That’s… fine. She’s affectionate, and high on pregnancy hormones. He’s not sure why he had been dreading telling her that he wanted to be in the child’s life. She’s smart, and she understands.

He never should’ve worried. There’s a reason he liked her so well.

He figures that the idea of moving and perhaps buying a home for their child can be put off for another day. They have seven months before the birth; plenty of time.

“Would you like to go and get dinner?” he asks.

She nods. “Oh, let me go and clean up first,” she says.

As she walks away, he watches her go and wonders how she will look in the months to come, swelling with his child, and thinks that somewhere, buried underneath the panic and the stress and the anxiety, there’s happiness to be found here.

| Next >

Tips appreciated 💛

#my writing #Hatake Kakashi #Kakashi/ofc #kakairu #umino iruka

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guiltycorp · 2 years

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I'd like to clarify my thoughts on Diluc a bit! Only because I read a couple of fics and takes just now that made me realize how some people approach the ‘Diluc x consequences’ thing as if he really is completely in the wrong when it comes to Kaeya and should somehow atone for it? But that’s not how I see it at all. In my opinion, however harsh his reaction to ‘the truth’ that Kaeya revealed was (and we still don’t know the specifics of that truth or how exactly their fight went), he would only have to ‘make up’ for it if he was now actively aiming to rekindle his relationship with Kaeya. However, Kaeya no longer has any official ties to him, so that means Diluc needs to actually want and pursue that reconciliation. What I mean is that if Kaeya were, heaven forbid, his actual adopted brother (which he isn’t and never was) or still his younger sworn brother, then yeah, he’d definitely have the responsibility of returning Kaeya’s desperate attempts to get closer to him once more. But their sworn brotherhood was based on a lie, and while we don’t exactly know what Diluc currently thinks of their bond, he certainly doesn’t see Kaeya in the same light that he used to. They’re not even in the same structure anymore now that Diluc left the Knights. With that, Diluc technically doesn’t owe requital to him. He never even asked for any favors - he didn’t comment on Kaeya’s attempts to displace Eroch, he didn’t tell him about the secret organization he’s in, he never asked for Kaeya’s help with Darknight Hero stuff. Do you remember how in the first Archon quest Diluc was happily working alongside Jean and not once asked for Kaeya? Even when it comes to working with the Knights, Kaeya isn’t his only choice of comrades. He accepts the help that Kaeya offers, and he easily agrees to work alongside him, but none of what Kaeya does actually puts Diluc in his debt. Diluc’s neutral demeanor towards him stings, and it’s weird that he neither rejects nor fully accepts Kaeya’s attention, but he’s not being overly mean about it either. The only reason why we all want Diluc to return Kaeya’s efforts or to at least to show some weakness toward him is because that would make for a nicer story! Personally, I REALLY want Diluc to bring up Kaeya in a conversation or for him to initiate for once, but that’s only because an unrequited relationship is too sad of a story arc for Kaeya. Plus there have been tiny hints that Diluc still cares a lot, so that’s likely where their future story development is headed after all (if genshin ever gets to it, ahem). It’s definitely frustrating when we don’t know his opinion, when both the game and Diluc himself avoid the topic so often, but what I’m saying is that a story where Kaeya’s relationship with Diluc is one-sided wouldn’t make Diluc a bad person either. It would be rather tragic, but I don’t think characters should be villainized for not reciprocating other characters’ overtures of friendship like that, and I hope this current trend will die just as the ‘Kaeya is sus’ trend died. And if Kaeya reached the height of his depression/inner-conflict and did something drastic (like, leave Mond, risk his life, go on a self-destructive bender, join forces with someone inadvisable, trigger some dark magic etc etc), it wouldn’t be Diluc’s fault or his responsibility. He might feel guilty for not doing something, for not being more honest if he does care, but that shouldn’t be his punishment or ‘consequences’ for his actions. Only a bit of irony for being too late when he had lots of time to resolve his issues with Kaeya sooner. The only consequences Diluc should face are maybe psychological repercussions for using torture methods on his enemies too often and a union strike from the workers of Angel’s Share.

#diluc #genshin #kaeya #genshin headcanons #i guess #text

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holobethyname · 1 year

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🎶 Good Person (2022)

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March 5, 2022, the release date of Good Person (2022) - Haechan's first solo activity outside NCT and first OST ever - also known as the only peaceful day in sunflower history💆‍♀️

Not gonna lie, I'm already attached to Choi Hyoju's face. She was the profile picture on Haechan's Spotify page for so long 😭

🌿 The Announcement

No exaggeration, we lost our minds. Before Good Person (2022), Haechan has 0 solo activities to his name. Six years and nothing! You can only imagine how this announcement from Playlist Korea shook sunflowers. We have been praying for a Haechan solo activity for so long, to the point that we don't even care what's it going to be: a solo magazine shoot, a variety show guesting, or even a short interview somewhere. To be honest, it's sad to see all the members except Haechan have at least one solo activity in 2021. It's unfair that his schedule is so packed that he can't even fit one solo schedule in between. So, we hoped that 2022 is a more generous year for him, and it is. It's more than whatever first solo activity we hoped for. It's an OST! A main vocalist having his long-awaited first solo activity outside the NCT brand and it's an OST! We were feeling over the moon (or the sun 😉).

🌿 Good Person (2022)

It is the OST for the drama PLY FRIENDS: Seo Yeon University Class of 22 released by Playlist Korea. Good Person (2022) is the latest rendition among the various remakes of Toy’s “Good Person” released in 2001.

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Haechan's Good Person was supposed to be released on the 6th of March, but the company in charge decided to move it a day earlier due to the positive response and excitement from fans.

🌿Achievements

Indeed, Haechan's first OST was well-received by the fans and the public.

Compiled by haechancharts on Twitter

Haechan was also chosen by the TTA as the Best Artist of K-Drama OST among Malaysian fans for Good Person (2022).

🌿On the Recording Process

Of course, none of this will be possible without Haechan's hard work. In Music Space with Taeil and Doyoung where he also sang "Good Person (2022)" live for the first time, he shared his thought process regarding the song's recording, and some specific details that he had to do for this endeavor.

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Refer to 19:42 on MUSIC SPACE: The OST Trio's Live Clip & Our Music Journey

Haechan: "While recording the song "Good Person", one of the hardest parts about it is that I wasn't telling my own story, but I was telling a story of the main character of the drama through the song."

On the technical aspect of recording "Good Person (2022)" The pronunciation which I worked on, or other habits that I had, I got rid of all of them. The director also asked me to make it sound as natural as possible. As you know, I don't sing like I talk. I can't sound like this when I normally sing, but I tried hard to sing like I was talking as much as possible. It was hard, but it was still worth trying. So, that was a bit different. In a group, I can do what I want to do. When my part comes out, it's nice if it's impactful. But for this, I have to do the entire development by myself, so I had to sing accordingly.

🌿 Fan Reception

Being a sunflower is hard, but once in a while, you get a Haechan OST, and it becomes your anthem.

Personally, Haechan's "Good Person (2022)" is really meaningful to me. I had to repeat it so many times when it came out and I had goosebumps just listening to the instrumentals, waiting for Haechan's voice. I cried when it did. Legit. I used to get confused at people who have "comfort songs" or whatever they call it but middle finger to the younger me because comfort songs are real and to present me, it's Good Person. Sure, we're not all in an unrequited love like the character in Haechan's OST, but I know for sure that Haechan's voice brings all of us comfort, and I think that's enough to keep listening to it.

I just want to add that if you're playing "Good Person (2022)" nonstop as well, don't fret. You're not the only one. In fact, we have an idol fanboy in our midst who even sang a cover of it on a radio show. He also reacts to the song the same way we do. This is DRIPPIN's Joo Changuk who is among the growing number of 4th gen idols who look up to Haechan. He's the original idol sunflower so check out Changuk and Drippin's music, as well!

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🌿 Good Person (2022) on Music Platforms

Listen to Good Person (2022) for a bright Fullsun day! 🎶 Melon ➫ https://t.co/hLri4hmhPV 🎶 Genie ➫ https://t.co/rrewctQZPq 🎶 FLO ➫ https://t.co/QsHcV8DAg2 🎶 Bugs ➫ https://t.co/AK4ALTkDYI 🎶 VIBE ➫ https://t.co/n0y26Yz2Di 🎶 Spotify:

#good person #ost #haechan #nct haechan #lee haechan #fullsun #haechan solo #haechan ost #haechan good person #good person haechan #good person (2022)#OST of the Year #Spotify

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aceofspades-things · 2 years

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STRANGER THINGS SEASON 4 VOLUME 2 SPOILERS BELOW

I FUCKING CALLED IT I MOTHERFUCKING CALLED IT EDDIE'S DEAD I FUCKING CALLED IT HE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL RJEJJEJSJEJEJ "Take care of the sheep for me, will you?" JSJSJSJSJEJSJSJSJ HE JUST WANTED TO MAKE THE OUTSIDERS AND LONERS FEEL LOVED AND ACCEOTED BECAUSE HE WISHES HE HAD THAT HE WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF THE LITTLE SHEEP '86 REALLY WAS HIS FUCKING YEAR I'M SO MOTHERFUCKING SAD I CAN'T 😭😭😭

Nancy and Jonathan are still together? Hmmmm....next season, I suppose. You shouldn't stay in a relationship that you kinda don't wanna be in? Like, they have different goals in life, it's not going to work out, and he technically didn't lie, but it was a half truth and rjejsjsjjsjjeje. I cannot.

POOR WILL, I CAN'T EVEN EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH, THE CONVERSATION THAT HE AND JONATHAN HAD AT THE PIZZERIA WAS BEAUTIFUL AND OUTSTANDING AND THAT'S HOW ALL SIBLINGS SHOULD BE WITH EACH OTHER IF ONE OF THEM IS QUEER, LOVING AND SUPPORTING AND GREAT.

Lucas and Max better go to their mfing movie date or I'm going to lose my fucking mind. Jopper's date got postponed, now this. I can't. I need ensnsmjsjsje

...is...is Vickie (Vampire Diaries flashbacks) going to be an important part of the next season? I would hope so. I really, really hope so. Is Vickie bi? Maybe???? Either way, new ship.

Poor Steve. He was done pretty badly in the season.

THE FACT NANCY REACTED FIRST WHEN ROBIN ALMOST DIED EJSJJSJDJDJ MY RONANCE HEART IS ABSOLUTEKY SCREAMING THEY HELD HANDS ENSNSKSJSJJEJEJE

ELEVEN AND MAX'S RELATIONSHIP IS LITERALLY SO JEJDJEJEJSJRJSJJEJE I CAN'T EVEN THEY'RE BESTIES AND SHE SAVED HER AND SHE MISSES HER AND OH MY FUCKING GOD I WANT A TEARFUL REUNION NEXT SEASON FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE AND UHHHH ELMAX CONTENT FUCK YEAH SO MICH OF THAT

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate Vecna. Mmmmmmm...let the kids be happy?

DUSTIN'S REACTION TO EDDIE'S DEATH AND WHAT HE TOLD EDDIE'S UNCLE ABSOLUTELY FUCKJNG BROKE ME WHAT THE DUXK I CAN'T EVEN LIKE HE WAS A GOOD PERSON HE TRIED TO LOVE THE TOEN EVEN WHEN THEY DIDN'T LOVE HIM HE WANTED TO MAKE SOCIAL OUTCASTS AND LONERS AND PEKPLE WHO WERE BULLIED FEEL LESS LONELY I CAN'T EVEN, HE WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY LOVED AND ADORED AND ACCEOTED WILL NO MARTER WHAT RJENDNDNJEEJJSJEJE HE DIDN'T FUCKING GET TO GRADUATE UNFUCKINGFAIR JEKEJSJSJEJSJJE

Lucas reading Max comic books while she's in a coma jejsjehejsjsjejjehsjsjejsj THE FACT ONE OF HER FAVE MEMORIES WAS WITH HIM EHSJEJJS HI EJEJSJEJSJJSJS

I'm glad Yuri pulled it in at the end. Dmitri gives great pep talks. I'm surprised he didn't die!

I love how they have all types of love in this show. Familial (maternal, paternal, sibling-wise), platonic, romantic (requited and unrequited). It just...it just makes me so fucking happy.

I'll scream some more about this show later, but you bet your ass this is all I'm going to be talking about. This season was better than the last 2, and I'm sure there are clear signs of everything that's been happening that I'll find when I rewatch it.

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umbralundertaker · 3 years

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#they are so CUTE #i am SUCH a sucker for childhood friends to lovers #It makes me sad because it's.... technically unrequited?#like the player is an asshole but he bcoms a better person when he gets to know her more (VERY GOOD TROPE)#and she depends on him for emotional stability #she thinks its in a romantic way but it isn't she's just really close with him #Being in a dating sim shes surrounded by heteronormativity even though she would ultimately end up being happier with one of the girls #its an unfortunate situation.#Ddlc

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glitxhwayventeen · 2 years

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Her. (Part 1)

Characters: Joshua Hong (I mean he’s not technically in it but it’s completely about him) x Yoon Jeonghan x Female Reader

Genre: Unrequited love, angst, longing, mostly sadness tbh, one shot mayb?, proposal scenario

Warnings: Hella angst (made me sad writing it but I like it still), lots of panicking and sadness of the reader, Jeonghan low key being an ass but also he’s a sweet heart, Shua is also low key oblivious to love, mentions of throwing up, unrequited love?, mentions of unsafe driving (implied texting while driving), more angst

Author’s Note: So I wrote this literally 30 minutes ago on my lunch break for no reason other than because it popped into my head from a memory of a story I once read on here about Seungcheol (I can’t remember who it was or what the title was sorry if it was you or you know which one I’m talking about let me know please so i can give credit for the idea!)

Her. - Part 2

“Did you remember to grab my purple bag? The one with the few different dresses in a few different sizes in case a better one’s needed for later?” You quizzed your other best friend and wiped under your eyes for any fallen mascara as he chuckles almost angrily at you.

“Yes, (Y/N). Just like you told me to.” Jeonghan growled.

You knew he was annoyed that you kept asking him to pick very specific things up for you. And you did feel bad for basically making him an errand boy.

But you had to bring everything, no one else would think to, “And the one with the flowers? The little pinky white one that Shua got me for my birthday two years ago, did you remember to get that one too? It’s got extra hair clips, some brushes, and some different nail polish colors in it that we might need later.” You asked him while shifting your hair from one side to the other nervously.

In your friend group of 14 people, you were the only girl, and apparently the only one who realized that you can’t just surprise most girls with pictures and expect them to be happy about it.

“I can’t believe you’re sitting here talking about different dress sizes and nail/hair styling kits you’ve packed in case ‘she’ needs it in case ‘she’ didn’t prepare because this whole thing is a surprise.” Jeonghan scoffed as his one hand gripped the steering wheel tighter while his other hand found it’s way to the phone that was in his car’s middle console.

He had only really ‘loved’ three things in his life: his car, his phone, and his friends. Though he had never actually been in love before, which was fine because he didn’t want to be. He thought love was pointless and a waste of time and money.

But he knew you had deeply in it for most of your life, you were just too chicken to say it out loud. He always thought you and your other best friend Joshua would be the perfect match, you both just seemed to be too blinded by your friendship and nerves to see it.

“You think he’s about to get engaged to another woman, a woman he hasn’t even told you whether you’ve even met and know nothing about by the way, and you have nothing to say about it? Nothing at all? Are you even okay?” He questioned while he began to type something quickly into his dangerous little device that was sure to one day get him into an accident.

You knew he had a point and reason for concern. You, Jeonghan, and Joshua had all shared an apartment together for the past four years and Joshua hadn’t once brought a girl home. He hardly ever even brought them to the parties or hangouts your other friends threw either. Of course you still knew he must’ve had girlfriends and hookups, you figured they just weren’t serious enough for Jisoo to feel comfortable bringing them around. The lack of presence of them made you and Jeonghan even tease him that he was too embarrassed of the both of you to ever bring them around.

Truthfully however, you were always grateful he never brought anyone back to your shared living space. You just knew you couldn’t take the sound of him being with another girl less than 20 feet away from you. The thought alone made you physically sick to your stomach, so you knew the reality would actually make you hurl. No matter what though, you never once actually thought that any of those flings had been THAT important to him.

But you were wrong apparently. VERY VERY wrong.

“Pffff don’t be ridiculous Hannie!” You half chuckled as you tried to hide your real feelings from your best friend, “I’ve got nothing to say at all about it,” you attempted to speak nonchalantly, “But I do have something to say to you, and that is that you should put your damn phone down before you run us off the road!” You told him in a slightly chastising tone as you gestured to the little electronic device in his hand.

Though you couldn’t help but fidget with your seat belt that was all but crushing your poor boobs to distract yourself from the conversation you were having at the same time. You just wanted all of it to be over and done with already.

In all honesty, of course you weren’t okay. But Jeonghan didn’t need to know that. If he knew how shattered you truly were inside over the whole thing, he’d do everything in his power as your now seemingly only remaining best friend to help you.

He’d want to try and fix you and, unfortunately for you, the situation at hand wasn’t something that could be magically fixed with one of his crushing side hugs and famous dirty jokes. It was a real life ‘stuck between a rock and a hard place’ scenerio and you had no means of escape.

You just had to pretend. That was to be your new mantra until the situation was all over. You just had to pretend for just for a little while longer and everything would be fine.

You just had to keep it together until the proposal was finished, then you could crawl into the sheets of your welcoming bed and cry until you had no more tears left to shed and your eyes were raw, puffy, and swollen.

Till then, you had to blink away any water that formed along your waterlines and focus on the main goal at hand: making sure everything went smoothly and efficiently for Joshua so he could have the girl of his dreams.

Jeonghan just rolled his eyes as he scrolled through his phone and continued to steer his precious car to the proper side of the seemingly never ending asphalt.

But just as you thought maybe he had let the subject go, he then quickly pulled over, easily placing his car in park, and turned to you in seconds, “Motherfucker!” He all but shouted in your ear, sounding slightly ticked off at your antics and your easy going attitude about the entire life changing event that was about to take place, “You told him you loved him back at the hotel, and don’t act like you didn’t I heard you!” He insisted, nostrils flaring at the memory of the sad scene he had witnessed.

“You were so fucking close to the happily ever after you always wanted with him. Sooooo fucking close!” He emphasized with his gripping fingers, almost looking desperate as he went on with his rant, “You had him in the palm of your hands (Y/N)! You just had to stop and follow through with your train of thought for once. All you had to do was finish your sentence motherfucker. You just needed to finish that one fucking sentence! But you didn’t!” He shook his head in disbelief and threw his hands in the air like a mad man, acting as if he hadn’t witnessed all he had in the past 24 hours.

You wanted to cry at the boy’s harsh words. Part of you hated him for saying it all out loud the way he had. But you had to admit part of you loved him for it. For better or for worse, Jeonghan was your best friend for a reason. He knew you inside and out, he also knew Joshua inside and out.

His personality was the complete opposite of both yours and Joshua’s yet you both maintained your friendship with him over the years time and time again. And for good reason: at the end of the day he loved you both and always tried to keep you happy.

He loved you more than his own shredded family, and he easily loved you more than any of his other friends, and he loved you both more than he cared for his own self.

He’d gladly take a bullet for either of you if he thought he could spare you once second of pain. And he especially didn’t like seeing you so hurt simply because you were in love with a man you thought would never see you in a romantic way. But Jeonghan could see you both for what you really were.

He knew and he just couldn’t keep all his emotions on the subject locked away to keep you comfortable any longer. Even though you exhausted him to no end with your roller coaster emotions, he loved you like a sister. It was time for you to open your eyes.

So you would just have to sit and listen to him scold you, “You’ve loved him for how long now? Going on 19 years? You’ve seen him with other girls before and I just know that shit bothered you.” Jeonghan practically snarled as he waved his finger in front of you, “I could see the pain in your eyes every time he’d hold one of their hands or give one of them a kiss on the cheek.”

Was he being a little too hard on you? Maybe. But he knew sometimes tough love was the only way to get you to see reason and for you to realize that you didn’t always have to be so strong. So he had to say what he had to say and he had to do what he had to do.

“I could see that you wanted to step up and say something everytime it happened then but you never did because you always thought they’d just pass right along as if they were nothing to him.” You could practically feel the venom in his voice the longer he continued his rant.

Because Jeonghan didn’t have significant others or family stuff to distract him like you and Joshua did, it gave him the ability to see everything for what it was and be there to witness everything without you two even realizing it. It gave him a sense of absolute clarity.

Like in kindergarten when you left your lunch box on the table and went to play and the other kids swapped your animal crackers behind your back for celery sticks. They were your favorite and he knew you’d be devastated by their loss, so Joshua quickly switched your snack out for his own crackers so you wouldn’t know.

Or like when you were all in middle school and some random girls were making fun of Joshua’s thick braces he was insecure about. You swiftly and easily handled the situation and got them to stop by threatening to cut all the girls hair off during your shared time at summer camp a few weeks later.

There was also the time when Shua was first learning how to play guitar, which he was by no means good at, and wanted to start performing in front of people but was short of volunteers. Hannie had always found it a little odd that you were seemingly constantly willing to lend an all too generous and praising ear to allow the American boy to practice with an enthusiastic audience.

Jeonghan knew that Joshua had secretly been the one to give you your first valentine in third grade because all the other kids in class had made an unspoken pact to leave you out of their card exchange. Jisoo didn’t want you to feel sad or left out so he signed an anonymous card and slipped it into your brightly colored paper mailbox when you weren’t looking.

He even knew that you and Joshua had your first kisses together instead of with other people because you were both too scared of feeling uncomfortable around people you didn’t know as well as you knew each other and wanted the milestone to be special.

He could see the unspoken love you two shared with each other whether you did or not. And it killed him that it was all gonna be flushed down the drain because you refused to admit your attraction for the foreign boy out loud.

“But now he’s getting married (Y/N)! That’s pretty final!” He declared, completely drained of all his anger and suddenly fulled to the brim with sorrow and pity for you, “And you always said you’ve never had a good chance to tell him about your feelings for him. But today, today bitch, you had the most perfect chance, the only chance you had left to tell him how you felt might I add.” He began to run his shakey boney fingers through his platinum hair to calm and collect himself.

But Jeonghan also knew about the more devastating times you went through.

Like the night when you cried yourself to sleep when you found out Jisoo had gone on his first date. It was just some girl in his chem class he ended up losing interest in, but you stayed curled up in your bed for a week because of it.

There was also the time when your first ever dance rolled around and you waited for what felt like an eternity for Shua to ask you to go with him. He never did. Instead he got himself his very first girlfriend, who you fought with and hated solely because she treated you like you were a stranger to your best friend, which left Jeonghan the responsibility of taking you instead. The new couple ended up sneaking off towards the end of the night to the limo you all chipped in for for some more private time which caused a great depression within you and made you drink yourself half to death on spiked punch to dull the pain.

You didn’t say anything about either incident to Joshua or the heartbreak he had caused you so you could preserve your friendship with him. Time and time again you let Joshua go because you thought it would make him happier to be apart from you and to be with others. And Jeonghan was tired of it.

“He was right there ready for you. Right there!” He emphasized and gripped the lightened locks between his fingers tighter in frustration, “And you still couldn’t do it. You told him you loved him and that you were proud of him for ‘being so adult’ when you could’ve kissed him and told him you were in love with him and that you wanted to be with him! But you didn’t, you let him go instead. You let him slip right through your fingers (Y/N)! How could you possibly do that?”

You didn’t want to yell at the older male, but you had reached your limit. You were trying sooooo fucking hard to at least look like you were doing okay and Jeonghan just had a way of irritating the ever loving fuck out of you to upset you even more that, in that moment at least, you just couldn’t stand anymore. He had pushed you too far.

“Because it’s not about me, it’s about her!” You snapped, the tears that had once been damned atop your waterlines now spilling down the surface of your perfectly made up cheeks.

The damn had broken. Your put together persona had crumbled. You had tried to keep it together. You could say that at least.

But now? Now you had to let it out before you did something you were sure you’d regret in the long run and that would ruin the love of your life’s chances at a happiness.

Even if he wasn’t gonna actually be yours romantically forever, at least you could still be near him and watch him be smitten with his life. Being around him as a friend was better than nothing. As long as you had that, you told yourself you could survive.

“I don’t like this anymore than you do Jeonghan, BELIEVE ME! I never once prepared for this shit. I never once thought I would watch him slip away from me like this, not this fast and not this out of nowhere,” you whimpered toward the end of your sentence as you tried to choke back a small sob while Jeonghan grabbed and clutched his own comfort item, his phone, watching you finally break down the way he knew you were going to.

You thought you had time to mentally train yourself to deal with the situation of Joshua getting engaged. You were so suddenly forced into the position of the dutiful best woman to help him get his arrangements for the proposal ready that you hardly had the time to realize what was happening.

You were supposed to have time. Time to cherish every precious memory you’d never have time to make one he was hitched, time to covet every songful giggle he made that you’d eventually only here as a passerbyer, time to soak in every joyful smile you’d forever only get to see as an outsider. You should’ve had time to grieve your lost fantasy of you and him running off into the sunset together.

Hell, you thought you’d at least get to see the girl he’d choose to be his future wife and meet her so you could be certain that at least you’d lost him to someone more deserving of him.

But you didn’t get that luxury. You didn’t get to see her or meet her. You didn’t get to break apart every personality trait and physical attribute of the woman that would be ripping away the love of your life so she could have him all to herself. That shit stung.

The fact that all the proper mourning allotted to box away an unrequited love was taken from you, pulled away from you like a toy stolen from a child, so quickly, so easily, knocked all the wind out of your lungs and filled them with hot magma.

But there was nothing you could do about it. It was what it was.

“And no you’re right- I dont necessarily know who ‘her/she’ is just yet. Of fucking course you’re right about that.” You dryly chuckled, doing your best to stop yourself from hyperventilating due to the panic you radiating through your body at the thought of a stranger taking away the only man you’ve ever had feelings for, “But i do know that it’s not about me! I don’t matter now!” You paused for a moment to keep from choking on the huge lump that had managed to form in your throat at your desperate words and cleared your airway.

It was true, you weren’t the Moon to his Sun anymore. Your whole lives he had always been your rock, your partner in crime, your first and only love.

You loved living in his perfectly organized and structured makeshift place of creation. But now, he found someone else to share his solar system with. You had to come to accept that.

“What matters is her-” You thickly swallowed the bitterness and sadness lacing your voice and continued, “Because her happiness is the only happiness i care about because her happiness is his happiness and his happiness means everything to me!” You cried maybe a little too hard as you gripped the bag setting on your lap full of last minute touch up supplies for the love of your life’s love of his life a little too tightly, nails digging into the fabric the same way the words you spoke dug into your heart.

He had been your best friend since before preschool. Everything he ever did or said made you fall for him just a little deeper than the day before. Every time you cried, he held you. Every time he cried, you held him.

Through the good, the bad, and the ugly, Joshua Hong was your everything. Joshua Hong was your soulmate.

You were at the point in your friendship where you didn’t even have to tell him that you were upset, he’d just know. He knew your favorite snacks: super hot fry chips when you were sad and your very particular brand of generic gummy bears that could only be found at three stores in your area when you were happy.

He knew how you liked your coffee in the morning, two sugars and three pumps of cream. He knew the songs you loved with all your soul and the songs you hated with your entire being. He even knew you so well that he could finish just about every single one of your sentences in a flash before you knew what you were gonna say. He knew you better than you knew yourself.

He was a gentleman. Your gentleman. Well, he was your gentleman. Now, he’s hers, “I’ve loved him for forever. I’ll always love him!” You promised to no one in particular as Jeonghan stared at you doe eyed, phone suddenly squeezed in his hand tighter, “I’ll always be waiting for him. I’ll always have that dream of him finally grabbing my face and putting my heart all back together again by kissing away every tear I’ve ever shed for him.”

He would open every door for you so you wouldn’t have to, offer any coat or article of clothing he had on him when he thought you were cold, match any schedule of yours with his own so you could see each other, remember any anniversary or date you wanted him to. His calmness and softness balanced out your craziness and your hardness.

He was, by all accounts, the an amazing guy any girl could ever ask for, “But that doesn’t matter anymore.”

But for you, he was just the perfect fit. Everyone seemed to notice it but him. You were always there for each other. And you promised each other that you always would be, no matter how inconvenient it was or how much it hurt.

“That fantasy won’t ever happen. You think my feelings matter when he’s about to propose to another girl? No- Absolutely not. She’s what’s important now. Not me.” You declared, almost convincing enough to force that cold thought on yourself as the truth.

She was his world now. She was the Moon to his Sun now. She was what he wanted now. You had to put your childish feelings aside and be happy for him. He was still your best friend.

“So yes, I’ll put on a brave face and I’ll play the part of the dutiful best friend who thinks of everything that could/can go wrong because someone has to.”

He didn’t intentionally start out with the thought that him marrying her and asking for your help with the proposal would break your heart in two. He didn’t know you loved him the way he loved her. It wasn’t his fault. You couldn’t be mad or upset with him about it.

“I’ll pick out and fix his stupidly beautiful tie around his stupidly beautiful neck as he talks about how much he loves her over and over again.”

You wanted to just drop dead at the thought of the man you loved with all your heart choosing a different girl over you. But there was nothing you could do about it.

“I’ll stand there by his side through all the engagement photos he’s no doubt already got planned because he’s perfect with the happiest smile on my face. And if he starts to get cold feet on his actual wedding day, I’ll kick his ass all the way down the aisle till he says I do if I have to.”

It was a soul crushing feeling that you just knew would never go away, no matter how hard you’d end up trying to force it out. It was a permanent mix of longing and sorrow that would forever lay bare in your heart.

“Even if it means letting the love of my life go because I’m not her! She’s who he picked!”

The reality of your now heart jerking situation began setting into your chest like a hot ball of lead, “…She’s who he picked Jeonghan.”

You spoke softly, barely above a whisper, “It’s her and so she deserves the best because he is the best and he’s deemed her the best!”

It felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of your lungs and been replaced with fire. You felt suffocated and too oxygenated at once and you just needed it all to stop.

“So would you shut up and drive to the stupid location already so we can get this done for him?! I’ll never forgive myself if we’re late when he needed us to be there on time.”

It hurt to move, it hurt to breathe. Every cell and molecule of your body was screaming in pain and, to Jeonghan, it was very much visible that you were 100 flavors of not okay. But there was just nothing either of you could do to remedy the situation. He realized that now.

You once again did what you thought was best and most wanted for your friend at the expense of your own happiness. As much as Jeonghan hated that you did it time and time again without hesitation, he understood it. He’d do the same for you in a heart beat.

That’s the only reason he tried so hard to get you to admit your feelings for Shua, he thought you finally deserved to get what you wanted for once.

And for the first time in your near two decades of knowing him, Jeonghan sat in silence as he stared at you dumbfounded, his phone still cased in his hand like his life depended on keeping it near him.

He sat there for what seemed like forever before he spoke again. This time softly and much more timid, “Okay then.”

He then put the car back in drive and turned his GPS back on, after he had messed with his cell for a few moments, and he started to drive to the address that Joshua had given him.

It was becoming a long car drive full of a thick silence before you finally sniffled from your place faced out towards the window.

“For what it’s worth, i really did want to tell him i was in love with him back at the hotel.” You informed the blonde haired boy, trying your best to actually get the words out without tearing apart the small parts of you that you had managed to pull back together enough to do what needed to be done.

You still had a mission to complete, even if it made you feel hallow inside just thinking about it. It was your job to help your friend obtain contentment. You just had to try your best to power through.

“I wanted to kiss him and hug him and never let him go and tell him he should marry me instead-” you let out a little laugh and wiped your runny nose with the back of your weakened hand, “-That I’ve loved him forever and that I’ll never not love him. That every breath either of us takes just seems to make me fall for him even more. That my heart literally keeps itself beating solely for him. But-” You paused at the words that were about to come out next, remembering how much the memory of trying to express your feelings to him hurt you.

“-But when the words ‘i love you’ started to come out of my mouth, i- i saw the light of excitement he had behind his eyes when he was talking about his proposal plan start to go out and i- i couldn’t do that to him.”

In that second that you told him, you thought back on all the times you had seen Joshua happy. Not a single one of them even remotely measured up to the joy on his face when he started going in depth talking about his proposal with you.

Not the day when it was announced that he was second student in the whole school, something that made his entire family beyond proud of him. Not the day when he had finally convinced you to go on the scariest ride in the entire sketchy amusement park that had you clutching onto him for dear life. Not even when you went back with him to LA and he got to hug his mom for the first time in four years.

He was truly happy with her. He loved her the way you loved him. He was excited to show his best friend his ideas in the hopes that you would help him obtain his goal of getting her to say yes. He wanted her more than he’s wanted anything you’ve ever seen him wish for. You couldn’t take that away from him.

“I-I just thought-” You spoke in a shakey, near uncertain tone, “-What kind of monster would ever take that excited eye twinkle away from someone as amazing as Joshua hong?” You croaked, your voice becoming horse from all the straining of trying not to cry, “What kind of asshole tells their best friend that they’re in love with them minutes before they’re about to propose to another woman? A selfish bitch who doesn’t care about her best friend’s happiness, that’s who!” You answered yourself before Jeonghan could try, “And i refused to do that to him. So i told him i loved him a-and that I was proud of him-” Your voice gave way at the end of your rant, losing you some much needed speed and sanity.

It was all too much. You figured you’d break eventually. You had just hoped it’d be after his actual wedding so you’d be able to help him and be the best, best man (or best woman) you could be. But that was a pipe dream.

You couldn’t go to watch him get engaged to some random woman that he didn’t even have the decency to let you meet before the proposal without saying it all aloud to someone before so you wouldn’t say it aloud then.

You let a single tear slide down your face as you bit your lip to contain yourself for a second while doing everything in your power to keep yourself from wailing like a toddler in Jeonghan’s car.

You decided to just keep looking out the window at the fast passing scenery, as it was your only real option, while remembering all the nights Shua was there to comfort you during your bad days and how you’d probably never get that again, “-Like I always do. Then I gave him a hug like it was the last hug i would ever give him because it may as well have been, wished him good luck and saw him off. He deserved that. He didn’t need me telling him i was in love with him right before one of the biggest moments of his life,” You nodded in defeat, wondering how in earth you were gonna live without the warmth of Joshua Hong’s friendship and love, “So i held him and then- then i let him go.”

(Last Edited 2/16/2023)

(Updated 6/22/22)

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suitk0via · 3 years

Text

A Painful Love

Pairing : Bucky Barnes x Reader

18 + MINORS DNI

Word Count : 3.3k

Warning : this is literally just smut. we've got knife kinks, use of restraint, hate sex?, car sex, unrequited love stuff...

Synopsis: Win a street race, lose a different kind of race. Reader has messed up her car and begrudgingly asks for Bucky's help. Of course, his help comes at a price.

Street Racer AU | Masterlist

“God dammit.”

You threw the wrench over your shoulder listening to it clang against the concrete floor. Resting your head against the side panel of your car you sighed. This connection was as if to say, ‘ I know I’ve pushed you too hard recently, and I’m sorry. ’ You just knew if the car could talk it would most definitely scold you.

You knew you were pushing the limit, and you felt the skip in your engine go straight to your bones. Sure, you’d won the race but at what cost? The leads to your distributor got crossed making the engine skip in a painful way. You remembered physically wincing at the sound of it, but you were too caught up in the adrenaline of a win to care.

Specifically a win against Bucky.

“Careful princess, you'll push her too hard.” His words sort of haunted your mind. A deeper part of yourself wanted to blame this issue on him, like he may have sabotaged you. That was a baseless claim though. As much as you hated him he wasn’t an actual villain.

“Worry about yourself Brooklyn. She’s fine.” You had said, patting the hood of your car. Oh if you could’ve shown yourself a glimpse of the future. Grabbing your rag from your shoulder you wipe the black marks from your hands. Your patience had worn thin with this project and you knew you were going to need help. Problem is, the only person you knew that would help would be Bucky. His services came at a price though. Which usually began with you telling him how much you couldn’t stand him, and ending with your face pressed into the mattress begging him to give you some sort of release.

The relationship you had with him was odd. Odd yet satisfying. Though, Bucky had gotten a lot softer recently. Not as insatiable, rather. For some reason you hating him made him want you even more – and he wasn’t secretive about it either.

You weren’t even sure why you hated him. You just couldn’t stand the smug look he always had, and the way he looked down on you – mentally and physically. Grabbing your phone you let out a frustrated groan before dialing his number. You could already hear his condescending tone just dying to say, ‘ I told you so. ’

“Callin’ so soon? It’s only six thirty, princess.”

“Shut it, Brooklyn. Help me fix this and I’ll do whatever you want.”

He didn’t even respond before he hung up the phone. Scoffing you tossed it over on the counter. This was routine so you weren’t even disappointed in yourself. Because to be clear you hated Bucky – not the sex. The sex was always amazing. Simply because he knew you better than you gave him credit for.

He knew all the right things to say, how you liked those featherlight kisses on your neck, and anything else you could think of.

When you first met him, you never knew it would lead to this point.

You were all excited and wide eyed after a race, and he poked fun at you with everyone around. “It’s one race. You’re a rookie, princess.” Those collective snickers were enough to solidify your hatred. The only difference between him and every other asshole that had a crush on their car, was the fact that he was handsome. He carried himself like everyone owed him something and you hated it, but the lines in your hatred were becoming blurry though.

Can you truly hate someone you seek out when things go wrong?

Of course he knew about cars, but he was also a good friend. The word nearly made you sick but it was true. He was your friend in all technicality. Whenever your sad excuse of a boyfriend had broken up with you and you stopped showing up to races for a while, Bucky showed up at your door. Unprovoked, with no other intention than checking on you. Of course, it didn’t end there. You cried all over him and he didn’t even care. He never mentioned it either. It was like an unspoken agreement the two of you had.

Whenever he was having trouble sleeping for a while, you went over and stayed with him. You just stayed up late into the night running your hands through his hair and warding off any nightmares that crept up on him.

So, as much as you hated him, you’d also drop everything you were doing if he needed you.

To anyone looking in it made no sense, but it worked for the both of you. Sort of.

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of your front door opening. Bucky utilized that spare key more than you liked to admit. Listening to the sound of his footsteps you waited for the garage door to open, and his comments to run free. “Now, what did I say to you before we started?” He said, closing the door behind him.

Putting your hands on your face you groaned. You didn’t even have it in you to look at him and accept a form of defeat. “Just, fix it, please.” You sighed. His footsteps got closer and he stood beside you leaning over the hood. He started explaining what you had done wrong, and how you could’ve done it better. The longer he went on the more agitated you became.

Why did you need him? Why did it always get back to this point? Why did he feel the need to be so patronizing if he liked sleeping with you so much?

Idiot.

“Okay, fuck, I get it. I fucked up. Can you just get this over with?” You said standing up abruptly, chair squeaking against the floor. Bucky huffed at you and continued to do whatever he was doing. Watching him reach down and methodically fix the issue you had been slaving over for hours should’ve been overwhelmingly annoying – somehow it was just attractive. He noticed your staring and it only made his attitude worse. A smirk played on his lips as pulled his hand back, wiping the excess grease off of his fingers. Those ridiculous blue eyes stared back at you, a mischievous sheen covering them. “Princess, I’m startin’ to think you mess these things up on purpose. Just so you can ‘do whatever I want’.”

It was just the right amount of insulting to rile you up, and you knew you were taking the bait hard. “Oh yeah? Think so? Because it’s always an option for me to call Steve instead.” You knew you were playing with fire and unfortunately it was the most exciting thing ever to your expectant mind. He just smiled sitting down the rag. “Because I don’t need you. There are about twenty other guys just like you.” You said shifting your weight as if you weren’t nervous. He didn’t have to say anything, you just watched as he approached you. With purpose in his stride he reached you grabbing you by your wrists and yanking you towards him. Your attitude faded for a moment once you collided with his chest. The hold he had on you was painful in the best way.

“I’d love to see you call Steve.” His voice was low and there was a threat behind his words. A threat you couldn’t quite make out, but it was there. The fluorescent lighting above hummed, filling the void of silence between the two of you. You went to say something but quickly decided on keeping your mouth shut when you saw him pulling his belt off.

“I don’t know why you like running that pretty mouth so much. It’s not polite for a lady to talk to a man like that.”

“Fuck you.” You sneered trying to pull your arm away from him. In a swift motion he put your hands behind your back, pulling your wrists together with his belt. At this point you were just asking for whatever was coming your way, but you just couldn’t let him have the last word.

“Watch your fucking mouth.”

You nearly whimpered hearing him say it so close to your ear. That bit of submission was quickly halted whenever you heard him opening the door to the backseat of your car. “What the fuck? Bucky, no fucking way. I told you, not in my car!” You tried getting away from him but it was futile. Shoving you into the car your back pressed against the leather seats harshly. Whining in frustration you watched as he pulled his shirt over his head tossing it over his shoulder. “James. I’m not kidding!” You said, kicking your feet in a frustrated manner.

Your only condition was that you wouldn’t do anything with him in your car. It just seemed like common sense. Your car was the one thing he hadn’t completely desecrated, but it seemed like you weren’t going to win the battle this time. “I’ve had you everywhere but here. Seems like a fair trade for fixing your problem and listening to you bitch for a while.” He smiled, pulling something out of his pocket. Your eyes immediately went wide, already being able to recognize the familiar object. He caught the worried expression on your face and laughed before climbing on top of you.

“What? Now you wanna be quiet?” He mocked. Watching as he pulled his knife out of its little kevlar sheath you instinctively squeezed your thighs together. There were one too many memories of that blade being dragged across your skin just light enough to leave a red trail. Maybe it was the danger of it that had such an effect on you. Your actions didn’t go unnoticed either. He maneuvered himself between your legs, your hips slightly raised up by his spread knees.

“Bucky, please, not in m-”

“How is that fair to me, princess? You’ve made a mess all over my car before.”

Clearly this was all playing into his amusement because he was just grinning like the Cheshire cat. As much as you wanted to fight, you weren’t sure you could handle the consequences. To your dismay he reached up, shoving the knife through your shirt. Hearing the fabric rip made you wince. This had to be the third shirt he’d cut off of you.

The sharp point lightly trailed against your skin – from between your breasts down to your navel, effectively ripping it in half. Goosebumps raised on your skin and you internally chastised yourself for the involuntary reaction.

Of course, Bucky got a kick out of it. Simply because he liked knowing that no matter how much you hated him, you couldn’t get enough of him. Cutting the sides of your sleeves he pulled the shirt off completely. His eyes hungrily roamed the expanse of your bare skin. Running his hand over your sides he subconsciously licked his lips. The look on your face was lovely. One he thought about too often. A sort of anticipation on your face that you worked so hard to hide.

“Can you let my fuckin’ hands go?” You asked, writhing beneath him. He laughed moving his hands down to your jeans unbuttoning them slower than he wanted to. “No. If you want some dipshit to come over, pretend like he knows how to help you, and treat you nice – then you shoulda called Steve.” He said pulling your pants off a little harder than he meant to.

It rubbed him the wrong way that you said that – about calling Steve. Bucky was unbelievably jealous of you, and everyone knew it but you. You just kept turning your nose up and gave him little smartass comments. Meanwhile he would threaten the life of any man that dared to look in your direction. The relationship was confusing. He’d lay down everything for you, and you’d still say you hated him.

Leaning down he kissed you sweetly. A little too sweet considering moments ago you were yelling at him. He got caught up in you a lot. The way you’d kiss him back just as passionately and how sweet you tasted. Knife still in his hand he trailed it against your skin and down to your core. Running the blade over your panties enjoying the way your breath caught in your throat and you shivered.

“I thought I was fucked up.” He mumbled against your lips, looking down between the both of you. “Shut up.” You said, trying to conceal a breathy moan. Laughing a little he pulled back seeing the wet spot that had formed on the thin fabric. Hooking his fingers beneath the fabric he pulled them off watching your face.

He liked whenever your little act dropped, and he wished he could keep you that way. As opposed to you pretending you hated him. Dropping the knife on the floorboard he ran his hands down your thighs. “You’re so pretty...I almost don’t want to ruin you.” He said with a sigh. Before you could say anything he took his finger dragging it through your obscenely wet folds. He took a lot of pride in the fact he could work you up so easily. A whine passed through your lips as he pulled back looking at the glistening evidence of your arousal. The sight alone made his cock twitch in excitement.

The lead up to being able to sink into your warm cunt was almost tempting enough to make him fuck you right then. “I love the way you hate me, princess.” He sighed, putting the finger in his mouth. Sucking your juices off the digit he laughed. Enamoured by how sweet you tasted on his tongue. Moving downwards he strategically placed kisses on either side of your hips. “Bucky, please.” You whined, bucking your hips against him.

Pushing down on your hips he gave you a rather stern look. Leaning down he licked a thin stripe from your entrance to your clit. Moaning at the taste he ignored your desperate pleas. That taste was something he dreamed of, and when he had it on his tongue he became greedy. Taking you in like he had found the fountain of youth.

He wasn’t a wateful person.

Well, he didn’t want to get anything on your seats.

Not even looking over he grabbed the knife from the floor, holding it by the blade. “Oh my fucking god.” You whined trying to keep your legs from shaking. Pulling back he slapped his hand against your ass making you yelp. “Watch your fucking mouth.” He said through his teeth, running the handle of his knife against your slit. The cool metal was an intense contrast from your warmth and the way you flinched made him smile. Once you recognized the feeling you looked at him with a fire in your eyes.

“Don’t you dare.”

It was like an open invitation. He slowly pushed the handle into you, watching you try and move away from him. “Bucky, oh my god. It’s cold.” You whined. Again he leaned down sucking on your clit viciously. Slowly thrusting the handle in and out of you he held onto the blade a little too hard, feeling blood trickle down his palm.

“You’re so fucking awful.” You moaned, wriggling in his grasp. A little irritated he pushed it into you hard listening to you gasp at the feeling. Just to go harder he sat up pushing the hilt in and out of you at a harsh pace. He could see you losing control and he just went harder. Wet sounds and delicate moans filled the small space. He could tell you were close by the way your eyebrows knitted together and you held your breath.

Pulling it out of you he dropped it to the floor again. You cried out begging for some sort of friction between your legs. Taking his bloodied palm he wrapped his hand around your neck making your whines come to a halt. “Watch how you speak to me.” He warned. You nodded hesitantly and he let go. After a moment of admiring the bloody handprint he left behind, he grabbed the knife examining the remnants of you on the handle. Making sure you were looking he licked your essence off the hilt of it. Eyes rolling back at the taste of you.

As sweet as you were, he was mad at you for implying you’d call someone else over him. Sitting the knife down between your breasts he moved over so he could pull his pants off.

“Please, Bucky-”

“Shut up.” He hissed, wrapping his hand around his cock. This build up was a little too much for him and he was overly sensitive. Slapping his tip against your hole you jerked against him. “God damn. For someone who hates me so much you’re fuckin’ wet for me.” He said running himself back and forth through your folds.

“Please just fuck me already.” You groaned impatiently. He had half the mind to just leave you there. Hands behind your back begging for him to come back and help you. He would’ve if it wasn’t a move away from being inside you.

“I’m goin’ to.” He said pushing himself into you without any hesitation. You adjusted to him easily, and he moaned at the warm snug feeling of your fluttering walls. “Princess, you might hate me…but this pussy says otherwise.” He said grabbing onto your hips thrusting into you. You didn’t have the strength to reply, just a whining mess beneath him. Watching your breasts move with each drive he smiled wickedly.

Your entire being was just an ethereal vision to him. Something he could only imagine that had walked straight out of his dreams. “Bucky m’sorry-'' You breathed. Leaning down he kissed you fervently trying to hold himself together for a bit longer. He wasn’t sure why you had said that, but he didn’t care either. Just pounding into your wet cunt he felt himself losing control. That silky feeling was too overwhelming for him.

“I like you like this, you know?” He said pushing his hand against your lower stomach. The added pressure always made you squirm. You looked back at him and nodded. Your wide eyes made him push you harder. He could feel himself hitting that spongy spot inside of you making your legs twitch against his sides. “You get so tight when you’re close.” He moaned, throwing his head back.

You struggled with your hands bound behind you trying to catch your breath. “Bucky, I can’t-” He just went faster, the sound of skin against skin motivating him further. “I know. You gonna cum all over my cock, princess?” He asked, looking down at you. Tears slipped from your eyes and he let out an almost maniacal laugh. “Y-yeah.” You stuttered shakily.

As if on command he felt your walls tighten around him and your form went limp in his hold. You were holding your breath writhing against him. Incoherent mumbling came from your lips. The sight of you unravelling made him lose the bit of control he had left. “Gonna fill you up. You deserve it.” He said slamming his hips into yours, holding you in place. His cock twitched in you he sighed at the feeling of his own release coating your walls. It was a hot white feeling that flooded his entire being and it rolled through him in waves. Though his focus went back to you quickly.

Wrapping his arms around you he pulled you up allowing you to lean against his chest. Still slightly trembling you buried your face in the crook of his neck. Using his free hand he reached behind you pulling the belt from your wrists. Desperately you clung to him, and he hushed you gently. He kissed your forehead, running his hands back and forth over your skin.

“I love you.”

This wasn’t odd. He’d said it to you before. Always in moments like this, and he meant it with his entire being. You always responded the same, and it tore at him each time.

“I know.”

Then the cycle would start over.

#bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky x female reader #bucky x you #winter solider imagine #winter solider x reader #bucky fluff #bucky fic #bucky imagine #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes x reader #james barnes smut #james buchanan barnes #marvel #james buchanan bucky barnes #james barnes #bucky barnes scenario #fatws bucky

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taeescript · 3 years

Text

remember me not

𝔰𝔶𝔫𝔬𝔭𝔰𝔦𝔰 >> the one in which Fate has bound the two of you for eternity

𝔭𝔞𝔦𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰 >> ft. hoseok (with a cameo by jimin)

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢 >> fantasy; genie!hoseok x human!reader; heavy angst

𝔴/𝔠 >> 14.5k (eep!)

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰 >> sadness. just a whole bunch of sadness. there is also death, unrequited love and hoseok simply trying to do the right thing by you.

𝔞/𝔫 >> i have a lot to say, so i’ll put the blurb at the end of the fic. i just wanted to say thank you to all who have shown me their love and support towards my writing. this is posted in celebration technically, but i couldn’t hide this anymore. as well, please indulge in the playlist that inspired me while i wrote for the complete reading experience. sending you all my love. enjoy (:

masterlist

He yawns and places his feet on the table that is situated in the middle of the room. His golden slippers track dust onto the silk tablecloth and at his blink, the material is spotless once again. A small hum fills the room as he looks around and absentmindedly taps his finger on his arm. The power is itching to be let out, but there is nothing for him to use it on - nobody to use it for. Another yawn stretches his jaws and he hears the crackling from it in his ears. He sniffs and leans back, letting his arms hang loosely from the chair.

Staring up at the ceiling, he catches the far away light that is but a pinpoint up above. It makes him sigh wistfully.

Long ago, he had hated the familiar feeling of the pull towards that light. That moment when he would loom out of this room and face the person who had summoned him, granting their selfish wishes and then only to be stuffed back into this small space. The worst part, however, is the fact that he is required to do it all over again with a new being each time. As one of the most powerful of his kind, he has stood before kings, queens, emperors, empresses, men and women to make them gods and goddesses. He had watched as their greed and lust drove them to self-destruction. So yes, he had hated that feeling.

That feeling of being selfishly used up, then discarded as another item on their pathway to success.

Yet, it has been years - maybe centuries - since he has been called out. He misses the warmth of the sunlight on his body, the scents that would flood his nose (all he has is the smell of wet socks in here), the novelty of new sights, and the sound of a voice that is not his own. That is what he misses most of all: talking to somebody. He has been alone for so long.

He lets a long exhale escape between his lips before he gets up from the chair. With a wave of his hand, the entire room whorls and spins. The result is a lavish book room that is stuffed to the brim with written works - golden spines, cracked spines, black spines, wordless spines, no spines. With a hand, he walks around and touches all of his treasures. These are the means for him to momentarily escape this jail he has been forced to call home. With delicate fingers, he takes one of his favourite books out from the shelf. The pages are yellow from being constantly opened but he doesn’t mind. This is the one thing he does not bother to fix because he loves the memories created within the books.

“Once upon a time,” he reads out slowly. It is the first time he has spoken in a while and his voice sounds foreign even in his own ears.

His wrist flicks and the room returns to the small emptiness it was in before. He trudges to the lounge chair he was in and plops down, hands never leaving the pages and eyes voraciously devouring the nearly memorized words. Once that book is done, he repeats the entire process with another. In a short time, he has a growing pile of books and has been transported to faraway castles, underwater coves, intergalactic spaceships and through the past, present, and future.

His eyes feel heavy after their strenuous use. Closing the current small novel in his hands, he lets his body rest, and he hums a small tune before surrendering to slumber.

His body is jolted awake at a sudden sensation. It pulls at him and tugs him in all directions while simultaneously driving him towards one. This sensation is not painful in any way but it feels as if any fatigue he had been harbouring in the past is instantaneously swept away by this new event.

He blinks away his sleep and looks around. The room is shaking and everything spins. Excitedly, he looks up at the light above. He can’t help himself as a large grin spreads across his face and in the moment, he even lifts his hands towards the sky. This is his gesture of welcoming Freedom.

He releases himself and feels the weightlessness of another power pull him up. His heart is thumping in his chest as he presses his hand onto it. The humble abode that was his containment is now in a flurried state; like a reflection of the tumbling emotions he feels within in anticipation of taking the first step into the outside world.

Are the books he reads accurate? Will there be castles and dungeons or is it now spaceships and galaxies? What about the people?

Who would be waiting for him once he steps out? Is it a man or a woman? What is the world like now? He has heard rumours of technology and higher intelligence.

Should he smile for his first impression? Or perhaps he should become solemn, like he used to do to display his control and omnipotence.

It does not matter because he is too impatient to get out. The smile becomes a permanent tattoo once he feels the hint of fresh air on his skin. With a squeeze, he passes through the light and giggles giddily at his surroundings.

He embraces the rays of sunlight on his body like a father to his long lost son. His eyes sweep the new setting and he takes in the multitude of shops that form a colourful line down the bazaar. A small gasp of delight escapes when he sees that there are people who are running to and from each stall, their bumbling voices reaching his ears and sounding more beautiful than any music even the most prestige orchestra can produce. When he inhales, he fears to exhale again because he may lose the smells of pine, freshly baked bread and spices. All of his senses are bombarded at once, however he does not care as they are all things he has missed.

This new world has evolved into something much better than anything his mind would have conjured. He is so engrossed with the bright colours and sounds of the busy world he does not notice the one who has summoned him. It is not until he hears a cough that he remembers what he really is here for.

“Hi!” he breathlessly greets while looking down.

Then, the smile wavers as he looks at his new master.

You run all the way home from school, not bothering to wipe your shoes clean before rushing into the house, tracking all the wet snow from the wintery outdoors. Kicking off your boots, you rush through the kitchen towards his bedroom and fling the door open, hands still shaking in anticipation.

“Surprise!” you scream…

...to the empty bed.

Your mood is instantly deflated as you see that the occupant is not inside. The frown tugs at the corner of your mouth as you slowly close the door and shuffle back to the living room area. This too is completely devoid of any other presence besides your own. You look down at the small black box in your hands and fumble with the ribbon that is placed at the top. The last time you talked to him, he had said he was in the house. Perhaps he has stepped out while you were rushing back.

“Y/N?” you suddenly hear from behind you.

You spin and astonishment covers your face as you see him walk from the direction of his bedroom.

“Wait, you were home?” you say, incredulously.

He gives you a light chuckle. He always laughs around you, but this chuckle is more tired than his usual. “I was - am. Yes.”

“But I just checked your bedroom!”

“I was in the washroom, love.”

You pout, but your thoughts are bouncing all over the place through your immature mind.

He walks towards you with the same smile. “What do you have there?” he points to the box.

You try to hide it, but it’s too late. He reaches forward and easily takes the box from behind your back. You jump up, trying to grab it away from his hands.

“Hey! That’s mine!” you gasp.

He turns it around and reads the tag, “To Hoseok. Happy Birthday!” Looking down at you, he grins, “Are you sure it’s yours? It has my name written all over it.”

With a pout, you cross your arms. “Not fair, Seokkie. It was supposed to be a surprise.”

“Can I open it?” he asks you gently.

You nod, barely containing your excitement.

He carefully unravels the ribbon and opens the lid. Inside lays a pretty bracelet with pink, purple and white plastic beads. In between each colour there is a letter: L-O-V-E. He holds up the bracelet and dangles it in front of you.

“And where did you buy this beautiful masterpiece?” he asks, although he knows exactly where you got it from.

You try and come up with an excuse but he stops you. “Y/N,” he says firmly, “What did I teach you? We shouldn’t lie.”

Your small feet make tiny circles along the tiles and you refuse to look up at him. You twist the fabric of your sweater in your hands.

“Y/N,” he calls again. You don’t respond. He crouches to meet your level and tilts your head so that you can meet his eyes. “Tell me where you got this.”

With a long sigh, you make your confession, “I stole it from school.” You can tell that he wants the full story. “I stole it from Taehyung,” you finally admit.

“Now, why would you do that?”

“Because his bracelet was nicer than mine! The teacher gave him all the pretty beads and I got left with the ugly ones. I wanted to give you the most beautiful-est bracelet for your birthday!”

He takes your hand and places the bracelet on it. “You know, I would have loved whatever you gave me for my birthday. It doesn’t matter what colour, because at the end, you are the one who made the bracelet.”

You are extremely close to crying now due to the guilt that suffocates you.

“What do you think we should do now?” he asks.

“R-Return the bracelet to T-Taehyung,” you stutter between the snot and tears running down your face.

“That’s right, munchkin,” he places a soft kiss on your forehead, “Let’s take a trip and give back the bracelet.”

He takes your hand in his and the two of you walk towards the door. He sighs a little bit when he sees the melting dirt and snow on the front-door carpet, and while you are distracted, he cleans it with a twitch of his fingers.

“Are you mad at me?” you ask him with a slight whimper.

He turns and sees you struggling with your winter jacket. Shaking his head, he bends down and helps you zip up.

“No. I’ll never be mad at you.”

“Did I make this the worst birthday ever?”

“No. Every birthday is the best.”

“You said we shouldn’t lie.”

“I’m not. Every year I get to spend with you makes me extremely happy.”

“You make me happy too, Seokkie.”

He smiles dotingly down at you. “Really?”

You nod your head vigorously. “Really. I wish we could stay together forever.”

He knows that what you say is typical of a child your age, and that you truly do not understand the weight of your words. Nevertheless, Hoseok smiles, a gentle melancholic tug of his lips.

“I know.”

“I want to be with you forever and ever and ever and ever...” you continue in a sing song voice, gradually fading from Hoseok as you skip forward.

The atmosphere is warm and toasty and the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafts over to you in a gentle swirl. All around, people are chatting and every so often, the sound of laughter can be picked out. The soothing blare of a jazz trumpet echoes in the background and mixed with the buzzing murmurs, it invents itself as music. You twist the pencil in your fingers as you look through your notes once again, humming to the song even though it’s the first time you hear it. Clicking your tongue, you confirm that everything in your design fits the client’s satisfaction. Alas, it fails to meet your own and draws a sigh. This is the problem with being such a perfectionist.

Looking up, you see that it is now five minutes to two in the afternoon and your client should be due to walk in through the doors of the coffee shop any time. The bell rings at that moment and your attention is redirected.

The man that walks in is of average height and is quite young. Dusting the snow off his heavy jacket, he pats himself once before walking towards you. He elegantly takes off his leather gloves before taking the seat across from you.

“What are you doing here?” you raise at eyebrow at the unexpected visitor.

“I’m here to see my favourite designer,” he gives you a lopsided grin.

You roll your eyes and fix the glasses such that they perch more comfortably on your nose. He is momentarily distracted as a waitress comes up and takes his order.

“Do you want anything?” he offers courteously.

You shake your head.

“A cup of hot chocolate for her, please,” he tells the waitress. She nods and walks away with the order.

“My god, Hoseok. I told you I’m fine,” you sigh.

Your best friend takes your hand in his. You immediately feel the heat from him surround your cold fingers and he encloses them with his own until you no longer feel the chill. He lets go only then, giving you a cocky raise of his eyebrow.

“Okay so I may have been a little bit cold....” you mumbled beneath your breath.

He laughs and relaxes back in his chair. The waitress returns with your hot chocolate and his complimentary coffee. Grabbing his drink, he lets his eyes wander around the shop. The amount of people, each with their independent thoughts and lives, yet all striving towards a goal of self-satisfaction continue to amuse him. They work because their time is short. He, on the other hand, is given as much time as he wants albeit not finding a purpose for his gift.

You steal a glance towards Hoseok as he remains distracted. He has his head turned, facing the windows and peering out into the streets. Sunlight filters through his long lashes and his lips are dewy with moisture. His tongue flicks out and licks off the residue of coffee. There is a twang of jealousy towards how your best friend could look so perfect while you sit across from him in a three-day-old outfit and uncombed hair.

A thought suddenly dawns in your head and you rummage through your bag, producing a wrapped gift. “Happy birthday,” you say, extending it towards him.

A look of confusion flashes so quickly across his face you can barely register it, but then is replaced with genuine happiness. “You remembered,” he says.

“Of course I did, you idiot. How could I forget? We’ve known each other for - ” the thought gets cut off. You realize that you don’t actually remember how long you’ve known Hoseok for. It is like he suddenly appeared and you’ve naturally come to integrate him in your life.

“Oh! It’s a watch!” he lifts the device into the air. It catches the light and the bands of gold glimmer. Proudly, you watch as he slips it on his wrist and snaps the buckle shut. He holds it to his ear and hears its soft ticks and tocks.

You scrunch your eyebrows at him. “What are you doing?”

He doesn’t answer you, mesmerized by the nearly inaudible sounds. Time - such a strange concept for humans. He has never had to keep track of it but the people around him for centuries have struggled with having each second documented. To him, this gift is both a blessing and a curse.

Seeing that he isn’t about to speak any time soon, you return back to staring aggressively at your drawings.

Hoseok rests his cheeks on his hand and gazes at you with a gentle curl of his lips. Over the years, your features have sharpened and elongated. Having always hated what you deem to be a large forehead, your bangs cover the bulk of it and lightly brush your lashes while you look down. You have lost most of the baby fat but some of it lingers in your cheeks which you currently have puffed out as you concentrate. Your fingernails only have a coat of sheen polish which slightly dance as you spin your pencil. How you have matured before his eyes.

“Why are you looking at me like that? Are you here to stare at me or do you want to help?”

He leans forward and gives a quick look over at your project. In your eyes, he has always been a genius when it comes to architecture and unknown to others, he is your final editor. By only passing his critique do you allow yourself to feel an ounce of satisfaction.

Contradictory, Hoseok is not quite as proficient in designing as you think, but rather it is the fact that he is the designer to many of the buildings you studied in school.

“That’s going to be a little unstable. You might want to switch this section with that,” he quickly points out.

“But wouldn’t it compromise space optimization?”

“Well do you want the building to collapse or do you want space?”

You glare at him.

He taps the sheets twice but you’ve already made up your mind to follow through with his suggestion. Taking his coat from behind, he slips his arm through one of the sleeves while saying, “Dinner tonight?”

“Sure. My place or yours?”

“Yours. My place is a mess.”

Laughter. “When is it not? I’ll pick up a birthday cake as well.”

The tinkle of the bell draws your attention to the door and you see your client dusting off the snow from his hair. By the time you look back at Hoseok, he is gone. He has this habit of literally disappearing into thin air and it has always annoyed you. You are unable to dwell on this fact any longer as you stand to extend your hand in greeting towards your client.

It isn’t until you take a seat again that you realize you don’t even know how many candles you are supposed to have on his cake.

Hoseok stumbles once he sets foot inside his small apartment, if that is even what he could call the rectangle single room with a bed tucked to one side and a single matching cabinet for all of his other belongings. He feels the nausea bubbling up inside of him and reaches the bed before nonexistent food can spill out of his stomach.

Each time he has you over, he works his magic and transforms the cramped room into the illusion of a magnificent penthouse with a view overlooking an equally breathtaking garden. He spins a story that he has inherited this place from his grandparents and it is his for as long as he desires so long as he maintains it. Of course, he draws inspirations from all the times you’ve told him about your dream house and so he knows that you are jealous that he gets to live in a house such as this.

The first few times he did this, it was fun. However, his powers have been draining recently and he can barely maintain it to be of a standard where somebody could passably live. Hoseok doesn’t require much - a place to sleep and food to eat. Having lived in a place like this for over centuries, he counts it a blessing that he at least as his own free will to stay inside or leave.

And these days he stays.

On the bed, he lifts his arm and traces the face of the elegant watch. It stands out in stark contrast to everything else that is in this shit hole with him.

“How do you still remember?” he whispers the question to nobody in particular, “You aren’t supposed to.”

That is the truth. He has designed it such that every five years you would forget him. It wouldn’t make any sense. For you to continue to grow older but for him to stay the same way. It was not part of his original plan, having forgotten that such a thing as aging exists. But when you had turned fifteen, and had seen everything around you changing but not him, he knew something had to be done.

Yet he could not leave you. He could make you forget him, but somehow he would reintegrate himself back into your life. For the first fifteen years of your life he was your guardian, the next five a senior in school, and now he is your friend from college. He has so flawlessly inserted himself back into your life each time that you don’t believe him as any different.

“Y/N,” he says into the air, “You are going to be turning twenty-five this year. It will be time for another cycle.” At that thought, he feels the words drain his remaining strength and he lets his body sink into the sheets of his bed.

He does not know when he has fallen asleep as the next thing he knows, there is a sharp rapping on his door.

“Open the door, Hoseok! Open up!”

He hears the familiar voice and groans as he rolls out of bed. There is a vice around his head and each time the person knocks on the door, he feels it growing tighter. He takes about three steps before the world spins around him and he falls.

To him, it was as if he had fallen back into a dreamless slumber. But to the person who had kicked down the door to find Hoseok collapsed on the floor with a fevered temperature that was high enough to ring alarm bells despite knowing who he really was - a nightmare.

His eyes flutter open and stare at the person who is at his bedside.

“How did you get in?” Hoseok asked.

“I broke down your door,” the visitor says.

Hoseok tries to sit up to assess the damage but he gets pushed back down.

“Don’t worry. I fixed it up immediately after. Reinforced it too,” the visitor chuckles despite the lines of worry that is carved onto his face.

Hoseok exhales deeply and brings a hand to his forehead. His throbbing headache has diminished slightly but his skin feels like he just brushed molten lava. “What time is it?” he asks.

“A little past 6pm.”

“Shit. I’m supposed to be meeting someone.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” the visitor says. He stands, peering down at Hoseok with his arms crossed.

Hoseok wills his body to move but finds an invisible force tying him down. “Stop it,” he growls in annoyance.

The visitor shakes his blonde head. “No. You’re not well and you need rest.”

“Let me go. I’m fine.” He struggles again, but it is to no avail. It is as if a large stone rests on his chest, trapping him beneath its weight.

Without a sound, the visitor continues to watch as Hoseok tries to roll his body off the bed, looking like a squirming worm captured by the heel of a shoe. After a solid minute, Hoseok gives up and remains motionless.

“Do you see that, Hoseok? You barely have enough energy to break out of my spell. My spell. Think about the moment you step outside of those doors. Somebody could attack you and you’d be just as helpless as a human infant. What happened to you? Aren’t you supposed to be one of the most powerful genies?”

“Go away,” Hoseok mumbles, “And at least have the courtesy to fix the sheets for me. My feet are cold.”

“You know I can’t leave you alone,” the visitor finally sighs as the sheets slither to cover Hoseok’s exposed feet. Although he is the one who won this argument, he doesn’t truly feel like the victor. Concentrating on the sheets, he warps them until they turn from the thin covers to a heavier, warmer duvet. Padding over to the poor excuse of a kitchen in Hoseok’s small apartment, he pours a glass of water and brings it to Hoseok’s lips. “Drink,” he orders.

Hoseok obliges and when he quenches his thirst, he feels the spell lifted off his chest. Knowing that he would not be going out tonight, he slowly pushes himself up into a sitting position and faces the younger genie before him.

“I’ve brought what you asked for,” he says, “The pills you wanted.”

Hoseok holds out his hand, expectantly. “Well then, pass them over.”

The light blue pills remain captive and away from him. “I’ll do it only if you promise that this is the last time you use them.”

There is a flash of hesitance in his eyes but then he nods. He knows that he is as easily read as a children’s book but at this point, he could care less.

“I mean it. Promise me.”

Hoseok sighs. “Fine. I promise, Jimin.”

Jimin bites the corner of his lips, the small bag being clutched tighter between his fingers. His heart breaks while looking at the shell of a being who could once move mountains and build cities with a flick of his eyes. Now all that is left is a feeble man who can barely generate enough water to sustain himself. However, he can also read the desperation on Hoseok’s face. His friend never explained to him why and how he got this way - no, Jimin had merely stumbled upon another one of his kind by coincidence. He had been so drawn to the mass of power bubbling out of Hoseok when Hoseok moved here.

Hoseok snarls and lashes out, snatching the bag from Jimin’s hands. He tips the two blue pills out of the bag straight into his mouth. Instantaneously, he feels the drug’s effects course through his body and distract him from all the other sensations. His heart rate crescendos and he can’t help but giggle at the sensation. He watches as Jimin’s blonde hair flashes a yellow and then a red before settling back to a green.

“J-Jimin,” he manages to say before a loud laugh bursts forth from him. He holds his stomach as he rocks back and forth on the bed, tears streaming from his eyes as he laughs at whatever his mind finds hilarious.

On the other hand, Jimin remains concentrated at the small trickle of power he lets loose to Hoseok. Hoseok’s body craves for Jimin’s power and Jimin knows that if he is not careful, he will be sucked dry. He also knows that despite constantly transferring his energy, it is like he is pouring a glass of water into a vast canyon. Hoseok could not be filled in this way.

Hoseok chokes and heaves to obtain air. The high is fading and the usual numbness settles in. His chest rises and falls as he leans back against the wall. His lips are cracked and he licks them with the minimal moisture left on his tongue.

Jimin sees that the familiar haze settles over Hoseok’s eyes and he cuts the thread linking the two of them. He reaches forward and places a hand on Hoseok’s eyes, closing them. Lingering for a moment, he feels Hoseok’s slow and weak breath brush against his cheek.

“Hoseok, you’re killing yourself.”

You try Hoseok’s cell phone one more time but like before, you are brought straight to voicemail. It is nearly 8pm and he has yet to arrive at your house. You are worried as this is not like him at all. For as long as you’ve known him, he has always been punctual and you were the one he would lecture about being late.

Fingers hovered above the keyboard, you are about to put down your phone but then it rings. Breathlessly, you pick up, “Hoseok?”

“Hi,” the voice on the other end is not who you are expecting.

“Oh, um. Who is this?” you ask.

“I’m Park Jimin, Hoseok’s...friend.”

“H-Hello, Park Jimin. Is Hoseok okay? We are supposed to meet up tonight.”

“I know. He told me.”

You open your mouth but close it, unsure of what to respond with.

“Y/N, what is Hoseok to you?”

His question takes you aback. “What do you mean?”

“Hoseok… All the memories the two of you have shared, do they have any value to you? Or is he simply another passing individual in your life?”

“I’m not following. He’s my college friend. Is there something wrong with him?”

“I see, a college friend,” there is a period of silence before Jimin speaks again, “Think carefully about your past, Y/N. Haven’t you wondered who brought you up? Why do you not have any memories of your parents? Your childhood? Why is your life a complete blur besides the past five years?”

You swallow uncomfortably. You had noticed that your past memories were hazy, but you had attributed it to your poor memory. Never to…

“I’m sorry,” Jimin suddenly says, “I shouldn’t have said anything. Forget everything you’ve just heard. Simply know that Hoseok’s not doing well. Please stay away from him. Do not come find him.”

“Wait, what? Jimin! I don’t - ”

You yelp as a spark flies from the phone you are holding to your ear, striking the skin and flushing the spot with pain.

“Park Jimin?” you try again, and then wait patiently. Yet, you are met with a dull flat line. Without meaning to, you have been holding your breath for a while. Your mind spins as it tries to understand the meaning of that call. Hands trembling, you set down your cell phone and brace yourself against the kitchen counter.

A wave of pain threatens to knock you down to your knees. It slams into your body and grips it with clawed fingers, and the onslaught of the headache squeezes your head until you feel like your eyes will pop out of its sockets. Your vision dims until it is near black, and that is when the sudden memory shakes you. The nausea bubbles from your stomach and it is all you can do to hold everything in.

You close your eyes, gripping your fingers tightly against the edge of the counter. You know that you are ten in this memory, looking up at the world in a much lower height of the past. Hands are helping you zip up the bulky jacket and tugging the warm wool hat over your head. You reach out, and take somebody’s larger hand with your small ones. The being bends down but you cannot make out any of the facial features. It is a mosaic of colours.

A voice reaches your ears. “Is there something you want to say to me?”

The you in your memory shakes her head. This voice, these intonations and that accent are so incredibly familiar, but the owner eludes you.

“Okay, then let’s go, munchkin.”

The memory fades as quickly as it arrives. You head is in your hands as you bend over the counter. Without warning, the contents of your stomach are heaved up in the sink. When you are left only dry heaving, you bring a finger to your eyes. Upon removing them, you find your fingertips wet. Nothing makes sense to you.

How are you crying over something you cannot remember?

“Eat up,” Jimin pushes the microwaved dinner towards Hoseok.

His stomach growls at the sight of food although his mind tells him it likely tastes like cardboard dipped in soy sauce. Nevertheless, his body wins over his brain and he picks up the fork, taking a dainty bite of the dry meatloaf. He gags, but manages to swallow it anyways. In addition to his energy, his appetite has also been depleting.

“How long?”

“Three days.”

“Fuck,” Hoseok runs his fingers through his hair. He stares into the air in front of him and remembers how he was supposed to meet you three days ago.

Jimin watches wordlessly as Hoseok digs out his phone to call you. The call is short but it ends with Hoseok looking more confused than he was before he reached out to you.

Taking the barely touched food, Jimin throws it into the trash can. “How are you feeling?”

Hoseok stretches, feeling the blood flowing through his legs after three days of not moving. He muses at how there is energy flowing through him. He tests this out by carefully folding the duvet behind him. Wiggling his fingers, he concludes that he feels much better.

“That’s good. You were in pretty bad shape,” Jimin says quietly.

Hoseok looks at his friend - perhaps his only friend. Jimin usually has flushed cheeks but now they look sunken in and devoid of colour. “How about you? Have you been here the entire time?”

Jimin nods. He wobbles slightly but catches his balance before tipping over. These were the after effects of transferring his power. As a young genie, he did not have an infinite amount, unlike Hoseok.

Still examining his strange regeneration of strength, Hoseok misses Jimin’s stumble. “She didn’t pick up,” he says in reference to the short phone call the two of you had shared.

“Oh, really?” Jimin asks tiredly.

“It’s unlike her. I thought she would call at least once. If not to ask why then to scream about how I could stood her up.”

“Perhaps she doesn’t care.”

“Jimin, why would you say that?”

“I don’t know. It’s just an observation,” Hoseok hears Jimin murmur. He ignores the other’s words and wiggle his toes instead. It truly is amazing how much more strength he feels each time he takes the pills. He knows he has promised Jimin not to take them again, but this surge of power is addictive.

“You know what? I think I’m going to go see her,” Hoseok says decidedly. He feels superb and ready to take on anything the world could throw. Additionally, while he would not admit it out loud, he is slightly annoyed that you had rejected his call.

He is steps away from the door when Jimin stands in his way. “You shouldn’t go.”

“Why not?” Hoseok raises an eyebrow, slightly pushing Jimin to the side. The other doesn’t budge and holds his ground even more firmly. “Jimin, stop blocking me.”

“Hoseok, you can’t go.”

This time, Hoseok stands with his arms across his chest. Annoyance is evident across his face.

“You can’t because… because I’m still here! Is this a way to treat your guest after all I’ve been through to get you what you had requested?” Jimin takes Hoseok’s arm and guides him back to the middle of the room. “I even stayed for the three days you were knocked unconscious. And let’s not forget that you just woke up after fainting.”

Hoseok rolls his eyes. “Honestly, I’m feeling fine, Jimin. In fact, I feel better than I have ever been in the last few weeks. Look!” At this, Hoseok snaps his fingers and the gray and black cement walls transform into exquisite decorated wallpaper. He stares at the floor and the cold ground also shimmers until it is replaced by velvety carpets.

“You can never be too sure,” Jimin chides, “And please stop wasting your energy on tricks like these.”

There is a pout on Hoseok’s lips as he sits back down on the bed, facing Jimin who returns to the single other furniture in the otherwise barren area: a wooden chair. When he is about to sit down, it shakes and becomes a comfortable lounge chair. Jimin glares at Hoseok, who gives a cheeky grin, but takes a seat anyways.

Hoseok places his head on his hand and notes that while he is feeling extremely well, Jimin’s lips are cracked and there is no intelligent sparkle in his pupils. Even his hair looks drained of life and lie defeated on his forehead, which in itself is lined with a sheen of sweat.

Hoseok expresses his concern.

“I’m just tired, alright?” Jimin says through his teeth.

“You know, Y/N had a cold earlier this week. Perhaps you may have caught it?” Hoseok muses. Lightning sparks between his fingers and he plays with it as Jimin closes his eyes tiredly in front of him.

“Please stop talking about her.”

Hoseok misses what Jimin says and continues talking.

“She makes the best chicken soup. It’s nourishing and hearty; the perfect medicine. Really, it works wonders! Now, if only you’d let me go see her - ”

“Hoseok!”

Hoseok flinches at Jimin’s sudden outburst.

Jimin presses two fingers to his forehead. “Can you just stop mentioning her? I don’t - I don’t care about her.”

“Okay, Jimin. What’s going on?” Hoseok asks.

“You keep talking about her like she’s the greatest being on earth. But she’s not. She’s selfish and naive. She doesn’t care about you at all,” Jimin sputters.

“You don’t know her. You can’t say things like that about her,” Hoseok says, “And she does care. For all this time I’ve known her, she’s the most caring and compassionate being I’ve met.”

“No she’s not!” Jimin explodes again. “She’s toxic to you. Can’t you see it? Or does she have such a hold over you that you can’t even see the truth anymore? She’s neither compassionate nor caring. If she was, she wouldn’t hold you captive here after all this time, would she?!”

“Jimin.”

“I know, Hoseok. I found out a while ago the reason why you won’t return to our world so you don’t have to pretend anymore. I know it’s because of her! Why must you be the one to suffer because of her?” The younger boy looks up at Hoseok with watery eyes. “Resorting to cheap human drugs in order escape this reality… this is ridiculous!”

“She has nothing to do with what I chose to take into my body. Besides, each time I do take those cheap human drugs, I become rejuvenated. They’re the only things saving me.”

“No! They’re not the thing saving you. You’re wrong… you’re wrong!” Jimin stomps the ground in frustration and paces the small area.

Hoseok cannot understand why Jimin is suddenly acting so strangely. However, as he sits and thinks, fear, a concept that has not been felt for a long time to him, grips his heart. “Jimin,” he starts, “What did you do?”

“Nothing.” Jimin’s movements slow and he collapses back on the lounge chair. He feels faint and the world had spun with his outburst. “It’s to save you.”

“Save me? What is this - Bullshit, don’t lie to me!” Hoseok suddenly growls. He strides over to Jimin and takes the other’s hand in his. They are laden with sweat and trembling. Things are starting to become clear. “You’ve been giving me your power,” he says, not as a question but rather a statement, “Why?”

Jimin tugs his hands away, bringing them to his body and hugging them to conceal the tremors. He refuses to speak.

There is a bolt of lightning that strikes the middle of the room, and despite it being a supernatural event, Jimin does not flinch one bit. He only continues to stare at the blackened, smoking ground inches away from his toes. He recognizes Hoseok’s rage but he cannot bring himself to find justification for it.

“Jimin, why would you do such a thing as to give me your power? You could have lost it all because of me!” Hoseok yells, grabbing a hold of Jimin’s shoulders and shaking his entire body. Perhaps the physical act will actually bring some sense into what Jimin had just done.

Still, Jimin refuses to look up into the pair of burning eyes.

“Even if I hadn’t, we both know it’s a violation of the law! What are you going to do now when they come for you? It’s not simple banishment from a crime like this, they’ll permanently strip you of your power and leave you to die.”

He knows the words are meant to instill fear into him, but Jimin has already known of the consequences since the first time he gave Hoseok a portion of his magic. If the law had truly scared him, he would never have done it in the first place.

“You disgust me, Park Jimin. You’re weak and pathetic.”

The words shake as Hoseok says them. The trust he has placed in Jimin has been shattered and in this frightful fury, he wants to strike out and cause pain on the other male like the emotions of betrayal he currently feels.

Jimin angrily stands up at Hoseok’s hurtful words.

Hoseok rises as well, standing a few inches taller than him. His fists are clenched and they visibly shake. “What did you think your powers would do for me? I have lived many many times longer than you have, amassing my strength from dozens of others and outliving all the legends you may have heard of. Did you really think your mere powers would be enough to feed me? Your existence is inadequate for me,” Hoseok seethes.

The punch comes out of nowhere, striking Hoseok full in the face and knocking him back. Blue lightning flares around Hoseok as he stands again, steady on his two feet while Jimin cowers slightly on his own.

The next punch sends Jimin onto the ground. Hoseok has not lifted a finger, but the force that weighs down on Jimin is enough to threaten a collapse of his lungs.

“I don’t care if I had died. I don’t care if they strip me of my powers,” Jimin manages to choke out, “I just knew that I couldn’t stand by you and do nothing while you allowed yourself to be killed by her.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Hoseok takes a step closer to Jimin, “It’s not her fault.”

“She is the only holding you captive in this world. I am willing to sacrifice myself if it means extending your life.”

“I am nobody’s captive. Jimin, stop this.”

“You think taking her memories is the solution to all of this but her existence is blinding you. I had to do what I thought was right.”

Again, there it is. Fear.

Hoseok releases his hold on Jimin. The younger coughs and sputters, gasping for air on the floor. After he is sure that his organs are functioning, Jimin stands again to meet Hoseok.

“Repeat what you had said,” Hoseok demands.

“Her existence is blinding you. I did something to protect you.”

“What,” Hoseok tries his best to compose himself, “did you do?”

Jimin is silent once more.

“Jimin, I swear to the heavens - ”

“I returned her memories.”

You writhe in your sheets, clutching your head and screaming into the emptiness of your room. You cannot hear the sound of your own voice as you are being bombarded with unwanted images and voices - the appearance of people you vaguely recognize and events that you somehow know are real yet have no recollection of. There is so much cluttering in around your mind that you feel as if you are going to explode. You have not slept in three days since you had the strange phone call with Hoseok’s friend, Park Jimin.

After the first incident of the memory, others had struck you at inconvenient times. They hit you with such a force that often, you end up feeling breathless and overwhelmed with emotions. More than once you had found yourself on the floor, having been unconscious before, and your body in pain.

While some are happy - A distant and foggy smiling face, taking your hand and running. The setting of a Victorian themed event where you are dancing under a spotlight, feeling the state of weightlessness as you spin. Hot cocoa in your frozen hands and a warm kiss on your cold cheek.

Many are sad - You call to a disappearing back, understanding that the person cannot return. The tears you shed as a smaller you kneels before a mound of dirt while a larger hand soothes your back. Feelings of aguish when you leave your permanent goodbyes.

You had somehow managed to call into the office to take your outstanding sick days to try and recuperate, but all you have been able to do is lie in bed.

In the beginning, you had thought you were having hallucinations or delusions. But everything you had experienced felt too real to be configurations of your imagination. That led you to believe you were undergoing episodes of dissociative amnesia - moments you truly had experienced but then forgotten because of whatever reason. You believed it to be the most plausible explanation, except there is one thing that you could not find an answer to no matter.

Moaning, you bury your face into your damp pillow. You smell the faint stench of your own sweat, and you take a long drag of air as you allow this particular memory to play out on the back of your eyes, unable to hold it at bay any longer.

A woman - you - on the deck of some boat. The water is splashing up the sides and it drenches you, leaving you shaking in cold due to its icy temperature. In your arms, you hold a small infant in which you draw closer to your chest. You hear faintly over the winds somebody yell out the word, “Hurricane!” before you are swept off your feet by a violent rocking. Still, the child remains pressed to your body as you curl up into a ball, letting your back smash into the wooden railing.

“Y/N!” you hear clearly over the gusts that blow.

Your eyes remain shut and you know that this version of you is praying to the gods that this nightmare will soon be over. Trying to trick your mind into believing that things are not as bad as it seems, you cannot help yourself but allow the filtering of other loud shouts and yells into your ears. The boat tips dangerously to one side and you feel movement within the sheets between your arms. Your child is crying and you can no longer hold back your own tears.

All around you, people are screaming the same prayer, “God, help us! Help us!”

There is one last deafening roar and suddenly, the boat stops shaking. Silence is all around you and warmth that starts on your head spreads to the rest of your body. Even the crying has miraculously stopped.

“God… God…”

The single word is repeated, an echoing chant that that surrounds you, spreading like a wild fire. Steps resound as somebody walks up to you.

“God…”

They stop and finally, out of curiosity, you look up.

“Y/N…”

It finally ends. It happens each and every time. The more you would try to resist, the harder the memory would push against you until the pain intensifies so much that you have no choice but to surrender to it.

Like in the dream, you open your eyes and is met with the light of your alarm clock. 4:25am. You don’t know how long you’ve been rendered unconscious, but the pounding headache that ensues is enough for you to know that you are awake.

And there it is. The one factor that you have yet been able to explain. The one person who would always be in each and every single one of these memories. The one who would undoubtedly either be there to save the day or watch you go.

Hoseok.

Why have you been attacked with thoughts involving him these past few days? Why is this occurring after you receive a call from one of his friends asking you to never see him again?

With labour, you rotate your head and eye the alarm clock again.

4:30am.

You need a break.

This time, the sound of waves crashing against the shore is relaxing. You know that at least for the next hour you should not be experiencing anything. For this short time, you will be allowed to sit in your own thoughts without anything else intruding.

You dig your toes into the sand and shiver in the late night’s breeze. It is not to your surprise to find that the beach is devoid of any other people, but you prefer it this way. There is finally peace and quiet.

The beach has always been your go-to place whenever you needed to figure things out. When you had artist’s block during a particularly hard project or if you wanted to think through a challenging situation, this spot would remain unchanging and waiting for your arrival.

You lean back and inhale the salty ocean air, and the shawl around your shoulder slips down ever so slightly.

“So you really are here.”

Surprised, you turn your head to meet the unexpected voice. The speed of your heart increases and the thudding is all you can hear as your visitor takes a seat beside you.

Your eyebrows furrow as you study him. He looks healthier the last time you had seen him. Or perhaps it is because you’ve grown accustomed to seeing your own gaunt face in the mirror these past few days. His hair is swept messily across his face, covering your view of his eyes and only allowing a silhouette of his nose to his jaw. That perfectly arched nose paired with the straight edge of his jaw.

“How did you know to find me here?” you ask, your voice breaking mid-sentence. You have never brought a person here before, preferring to keep this place as your private haven. At least, you don’t ever recall bringing anybody here.

“It’s your private haven. You don’t bring anybody here because you like the solitude, but I know you. This is where I find you each and every time,” he says. There is a tinge of longing and a deep, sorrowful pain.

Silence stretches between the two of you for a long time. You trying to understand the meaning behind his words and he trying to formulate the appropriate words on a reason for coming to find you.

He speaks first. “You don’t look well.”

Hearing that from him causes you to laugh. “Thanks, Hoseok,” you make a bitter joke.

“You’ve been having strange dreams, haven’t you?”

“How did you know?” you ask and regard him with a furrow of you brows.

He still has yet to fully look at you. With a slight shrug of his shoulders, he says, “Humour me.”

“Well,” you start, “If dreams can assault me even when I’m not sleeping, then sure. Let’s call them that: dreams.”

“What are they about?”

You hesitate on sharing them. How would he react when finding out that he has been in all of them?

However, he already knows. Jimin had explained about the spell he cast on you that time he spoke with you on the phone. He had broken the lock on memories that Hoseok had kept hidden within you at the moment of his weakness.

“You are in misery because of them… Because of me...” his voice trails off, “I’m sorry.”

This time, you miss processing how he has been able to know the thoughts that you are currently lingering on. “Hoseok, there’s nothing for you to apologize for. It’s not your fault. You’re not responsible for it.” Although you say the words, you bite your tongue knowing that in a way, he is responsible for how you are feeling.

He shakes his head. “You don’t understand. Jimin is wrong. You are not the cause of my suffering. I am. This is happening because of my own choices.”

You turn and look at him. His tone worries you. Hoseok has always been a bright light in your life; the warmth of sunshine in the midst of your otherwise bleak and cold work week. You have never seen him like this before and you forget your own confusion and agony in the moment.

“Hoseok, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me with what you’re saying.”

He scoffs and shakes his head again. He is muttering to himself and you catch the end of his sentence, “...never should have kept it a secret.”

“A secret? Everybody’s allowed to have secrets. I have secrets too.”

“No. This is not a simple secret. It was selfish of me to try and shut you out.” He buries his face in his hands and you give him a few moments to collect his thoughts. “Y/N, there is something I need to tell you.”

You are suddenly afraid of what is about to say. He sounds too serious and deep within, you know that whatever he is about to tell you will forever change the relationship you have with him. Yet, you give a small nod.

“I don’t know how to say it, so I’ll give it to you in a story:

A long time ago, there was a young child. This child was abandoned by her parents and no longer had a home to return to. They left her beside a mountain of garbage to die; they hoped that dogs or bandits would find her and allow her a swift death. However, what they did not know was that in this mountain of garbage was a treasure of more value than any gold could buy. It was a treasure coveted by kings, queens, emperors and empresses - by all of humanity because within this dusty metallic object contained a deity powerful enough to make them gods and goddesses.

After being exhausted due to crying, this child crawled around and found this treasure. She saw it and started playing around with it, rubbing its sides in order to try and get to the shine beneath. The instance she does this, she releases this deity. From the lamp escapes one of the most powerful genies to come into existence.

However, you see, this genie is not your typical genie. This genie has been trapped within the lamp for centuries and at his excitement of finally being able to come out, he makes an entrance with a bang, scaring the poor child. She bursts out in tears and without meaning to, immediately uses her first wish:

I wish I could go home!

You may be wondering, “A person says things like this often.” However, there exists superficial wishes and true wishes. The genie can tell that this is the child’s true wish and so he grants it. However, he knows that the child is not welcome in its true home. So he takes the child and himself to a different part of the world, promising to create better ones to replace the suffering she had to endure.

The two of them live happily for a long time. The child grows older and forgets her past. She is a happy, cheerful and beautiful child. However, she still does not know the true identity of the genie. So one day in a conversation, she makes her second wish:

I wish we could be together forever.

And like a genie should, this genie grants the wish. In order not to draw suspicion, he takes her memories every few years so that she cannot see that he does not age. Through this, he is able to spend not just days or weeks with her, but years. He watches her transform from an innocent young girl into an intelligent and wise woman.”

The more the story unfolds, the more you feel a drop in your stomach and a void open up. Your fists are clenched and you cannot peel your eyes away from Hoseok.

“There is a rule in the use of magic for a genie. The longer a genie is away from the lamp, the more his power wanes. While this genie is powerful, even he does not have an infinite pool of power. Each day, he grows weaker while waiting for this girl to say her final wish.”

“Why are you telling me this, Hoseok?”

“That's a good question. I -” he starts and cuts off the thought, “I just wanted to tell you a story! That's it... That’s exactly it! I mean, do you really believe such a thing as genies exist?” There is now a smile across his face and he laughs, sending puffs of air into the cold.

You cannot find yourself to laugh alongside of him. Within you, something does not sit right, and although he has brushed the situation off lightly, now a jovial grin spread across his face, you fail to see the creases that usually his expression.

“Oh c’mon! Why are you still frowning? I'm sorry that I freaked you out with the story!” he playfully pushes your shoulder.

Falling to your side, you stare at the waters that lap towards where you sit. They are continuous and moving, never straying from their destination and always consistent. It is their monotonous nature that brings about clarity to you whenever you need to sit down and think.

You look over your shoulder and give Hoseok a mock glare. “That still doesn't explain how you know about this place. Are you secretly stalking me?”

“Perhaps,” he shrugs. There is a feeling of relief when he follows you with his eyes as you stand and pat the sand away from your pants. He knows what he should have done. He was practically there, but terror of the unknown made him second guess his decision.

Hoseok is staring into the waters when you look at him again after shaking the small granules from your shawl. His expression is serene and distant. It makes you wonder what exactly is going on through his mind at the moment.

“Hey, want to rain check on your birthday dinner now?” you nudge him gently with your foot.

He looks at you. With your hair pulled back, he can clearly see your face with the light from the rising sun. Everything about you is inviting and it only urges the growth of guilt that builds in his chest from still holding the secret from you. Getting up as well, he lightly brushes his pants before walking up to you.

You are on your phone, looking through Google for what restaurants would be open at this time when you feel his hand at the nape of your neck. His touch sends shivers down your spine.

There is a brief moment of hesitation before he presses his lips on your forehead. He inhales your familiar scent and a single tear rolls down his cheek. It never reaches the sand before it evaporates miraculously, leaving not even a single trace on his skin.

“What was that for?” you ask over the sound of your racing heart. Never once has Hoseok expressed such intimacy with you.

His thumb caresses your cheek and he holds your gaze, solemnly. “I’m just thankful you remember my birthday.”

After a box of oily pizza and deep fried chicken, your sleep deprived body overtakes you and you drift off to sleep. Your head rests on Hoseok’s shoulder and as he sits on your sofa, he listens as your breathing eventually evens out and becomes the shallow rhythm of slumber.

He remains your support until the movie finishes, in which he then carefully slips out from under you and props your head onto a cushion. You stir once, getting into a comfortable position before settling down.

From your room, your blankets float over to drape over your sleeping body as he watches you. Your familiar features that have been ingrained into his mind, constituting all the memories he’s had since the first time you summoned him. Your voice that remains the most beautiful melody; your voice also as its perfect harmony. The way your smile is slightly crooked to one side and how your ears wiggle whenever you try to tell a lie. He knows all of this about you, but still… He is afraid.

The initial wonder when he first came out of the lamp still makes his heart leap. When he had found but an infant as his new master, he had instantaneously felt dread at what would probably be his most daunting task ever. Yet, that had not been the case at all. For the first time, he was not treated as a tool or object for gain, but as a friend and companion.

Serving as your guardian had opened the mundane treasures of not only simple joy, happiness, surprise and trust, but also experiences of envy, anger, sorrow and shame. Even as he knows that his time here cannot be much longer, he so urgently grasps at whatever he can to stay.

It has always been his decision to remain by your side. He did not have to and still, he does. Because he knows that with everything you have given up, he has also taken the one forbidden item he should have never accepted.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers again, bending down towards you with tears in his eyes.

A dreamless sleep is something you have not experienced in so long that when it is given to you, your mind does not know how to react. It tries to spin tales and dig up images from your past, throwing them in your face but to no avail. It is as if there is an invisible barricade that is protecting you from any of the anguish or anxiety it brings with it.

You don’t know how long you have slept when suddenly you stir awake at a loud crash. Eyes flying open, they scan your living room and you find Hoseok sprawled on the floor. Immediately, you scramble up and run towards him.

“Hoseok! Are you okay?” Taking his hands,, you inspect them for blood with the shattered glass around him on the floor. You look up to his face and gasp. A stream of blood flows from his nose.

He should have been more careful in expending his powers. But he had been feeling stronger and so he ignored the feelings of fatigue as he both manually and magically carried all the plates to your kitchen while shielding you from the effects of Jimin’s spell. He was halfway there when the scream had pierced into his skull and sent everything he had been holding to the ground.

Hoseok!

His name called in so much agony rammed into his body once again, and that had made him drop to the floor, gasping for air as if he had been punched in the gut.

“Jimin…” he croaks.

You see his look of fright as he tries to stand, and when he utters the name of the other man, you see his face contort into something terrible.

“Hoseok, you’re - ”

He ignores your words and stumbles forward to the door, the trickle of blood snaking down his face.

Hoseok! Help me! They’re here and… Oh my god. Hoseok!

The Lawkeepers had arrived. While the powerful beings are usually quick to respond to any disturbances in magic, the speed at which they found Jimin is unnatural. The stream of magic from Jimin to himself should have been minimal. Jimin had told him that he had been unconscious for only three days, unless…

He turns abruptly to you and grabs your arms. His pupils flicker all around as he needs to make a rash decision. One to either save his friend or one to save you.

“I need to - I’m going - You’re - ” his words are everywhere, “I’m sorry!”

“Stop apologizing and just tell me what’s wrong!” you demand.

But no sooner do you finish the sentence when he is gone.

Hoseok had disappeared into thin air before your eyes.

He flies through time and space, screaming for himself to hurry although he is moving at the speed of light. His destination looms into view and he can see five other dark cloaked beings surrounding a single man on the ground. They have their arms raised, calling upon the heavens.

The punishment for breaking the law once is the revoking of one’s magic for a timespan. The punishment for transferring magic is the complete abolishment of any magical powers. The punishment for repeatedly breaking the law... is death.

“STOP!” Hoseok screams when his feet land in the middle of his room. He runs towards Jimin who is cowering in the middle of the circle, but is thrown back by a force field. The Lawkeepers do not spare a second glance at him.

In frustration, Hoseok unleashes a fury of magic onto the shield. It makes a small crack which is promptly sealed once again. A string of curses erupt from Hoseok as he batters it with his bare hands. If only he had his full strength, he could break this as easily as he would a stick. But he is the one who is weak and pathetic. All along, Jimin had been doing all he could to save him and he had wasted everything because of Fear’s paralysis.

The heavens rumble and both Hoseok and Jimin know what is about to happen. Their eyes make contact with each other and they both know there is absolutely nothing they can do to stop it.

“Jimin, I - ” The words are strangled with his tears and inability to move his lips coherently.

Jimin shakes his head once, sending a message with his eyes and reaches out towards him.

The power that is hurled from the sky comes at such a great force that it blinds Hoseok. He covers his eyes and feels the heat searing through his body and he cries out in pain. Only feeling the edges of this hurricane, he breaks knowing who is in the center of the directed anger. The ground is shaking, the walls are rumbling and every cell in his body rejects the compression of pure power in one area. He throws up in the middle of it all and continues to gag as smoke fills his lungs.

His chest heaves and when the next inhale brings about clean oxygen, it also brings his eyes open.

He is alone in the center of his room once again. There is no trace of what had just transpired. The floors are clean and his surroundings are vacant besides the usual furniture. Jimin is not present, waiting for his return nor are there Lawkeepers with their blackened faces and shapeless tunics.

His chest heaves again and Hoseok is on his knees, screaming.

The moment Hoseok disappears, you fall to your knees. Whatever barrier had existed before is no longer present, and your vision is overthrown. The images that are rammed into you are so violent they have your body rigid with paralysis.

“Surprise!” your friends scream once you enter through your door, “Happy twentieth birthday, Y/N!”

You drop your groceries in surprise and bring your hands to your face, covering them in both excitement and embarrassment at being the center of attention.

There are balloons decorating every inch of your dorm apartment and streamers hang to announce your big day. Drinks have been set up, table laden of party food and presents stacked in a corner. It is as if the entire floor has been invited and soon you’re a bumbling mess of tears and laughter as your friends come and greet you.

“You’re the luckiest girl on earth,” your best friend whispers as she envelopes you in a giant bear hug.

“I know,” you sniffle and grin, “You are all seriously the best.”

She returns your smile with one of her own and shakes her head. “I’m not talking about that, idiot. I’m talking about the one who organized this all.” With a nudge of her eyes, she directs your attention to the one person who waits behind her. “I’ll leave you two alone for a while.”

You stand, waiting as the other person walks up. Before he can reach you, you throw your arms around him and bury your face into his neck.

“Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you,” you whisper over and over again into his ears.

He squeezes you even tighter as you sniffle again at the threat of tears overspilling.

You take a step back and meet the face of the most mesmerizing and divine man you have ever known. His eyes are sparkling when he sees the purity of your ecstasy and you feel the curve of his lips when you place yours over them.

“You’re the best boyfriend ever,” you whisper the words, tickling his mouth with them. “Honestly, this is all I could ever wish for, Hoseok.”

Hoseok kisses your nose sweetly. “I’m so happy to hear that, munchkin.”

You scowl at his childish nickname for you.

“I wanted to leave you with the most memorable present for your twentieth year,” he says.

“You’re leaving?” you ask, confused.

He closes his eyes, inhaling. “No, I’ll always be by your side.” He brushes your bangs away from your eyes. “Look at me. There’s one last thing I want to tell you.”

You are cautious of doing so, but follow him request anyways. The rest of the room dims as you are pulled in by his magic. He delicately threads through the five years of memories and plucks himself out from each one. From the first time you had met him again, the first time you had agreed to go out on a date with him, the first time you had kissed him, the first time you said you loved him.

“You gave me everything,” he swallows, “Everything I have ever wanted, you gave willingly without spare. So forgive me for doing this to you over and over again. This would have never happened if I had stopped taking it all. You are the most selfless person on this earth, and I am the most selfish for wanting you.”

In a trance, you blink. The man before you fades into the background and already, his name has disappeared from your mind.

“I love you.”

And he is gone.

You snap back to the present, and wonder why you are staring into thin air when your best friend has planned a birthday party for you. She calls you over and you run to her, a smile on your face and without a care in the world.

Your hands are still shaking when you arrive at the address of Hoseok’s house. You look outside and see a drabby old building, opposite from the grand mansion that you are accustomed to pulling up to.

Hoseok could have disappeared anywhere, but somehow you knew that he would be here.

You run up the unfamiliar stairs after quickly asking the security guard at the front desk where Jung Hoseok lived. There is dust everywhere and a mouse darts in front of you path as you leap over it.

He had been suffering all this time because of you. He had forced himself to remove his existence from your life because of your naivety. The pain you must have caused him and the cost he had to have paid just for what? Just for you to never discover his secret? For him to fulfil your self-centered wish of hoping he’d never leave your side?

All the doors look exactly the same as you arrive on the fourth floor. All the numbers blur as you zoom past them to the last door on the left. It is shut but unlocked and it is through this you burst into the room.

It is all too unfamiliar. There is neither grandiose nor opulence in this setting. Just a single chair, a small kitchen and a bed cramped to the corner. A minimal open area is in the center; a lonely window with its curtains thrown open allowing harsh wind to blow inside; a person collapsed on the floor. He is curled up into a fetal position, hugging his knees and staring vacantly into space.

The room is a mirror of what he truly is inside.

You kneel beside him and gingerly place a hand on his arm. Even through your usual cold hands, he feels even more frigid, and he does not twitch at your touch.

“H-Hoseok?” you whisper uncertainly. At the utterance of his name, you are suddenly overwhelmed by both sentiments of passion and desire, with throes of pain. It makes tears well up in your eyes.

“He’s gone, Y/N. He’s gone and it’s all… It’s all because of me,” he babbles.

He does not need to elaborate for you to guess that he speaks of Jimin.

You do not understand what is happening, yet you simply do not pry any further.

Hoseok starts wailing again, loud sobs that continue to break him and shake his entire body.

Falling to his side, you wrap him into your arms and cry alongside of him. You reassure him with your words,

“But I’m here, Hoseok. I’m here.”

The two of you are sitting with your backs against his bed on the floor. There is a small distance between the two of you as if each is afraid of the vulnerability they had both showed and witnessed.

Hoseok feels emptiness within him although you are there, holding his hand. Things are not supposed to happen in this way. You are not meant to remember him and nobody - nobody - was supposed to die.

“How did you know I was here?” he asks. He scoffs at the question, one that you had asked him previously.

You swallow, still unsure of who this man is to you. “I’m not sure. It’s like a supernatural force drew me here, although I’ve never been. I asked the security guard downstairs and he said you lived in this building.”

He lets out a bitter laugh. “That’s right. This is the first time you’ve seen this place unfurnished,” he pauses again, “You’ve seen a lot of things for the first time today, haven’t you?”

You know he is referring to the fact that he had disappeared into thin air, only to end up on the other side of town.

“Hoseok, I’ve been thinking a lot these past few days. About all the visions I keep on seeing and about you… about us,” you begin.

“You deserve answers,” he puts simply.

Shaking your head, you regard him. “I don’t deserve anything. You’ve given me so much; you’ve done so much for me. That story you had told me last night… I want to ask…” your voice dissipates, leaving your question unfinished.

“You don’t need to ask. I already have your answer. That girl in the story is you. And the deity… the genie…”

“...is you,” you finish for him. This shouldn’t be possible yet when you say the words, you know this to be the truth. “You’re the genie and you’re being held in this world because of me. You’re… You’re dying. That is why Jimin told me to stay away from you.”

At the mention of his friend’s name, Hoseok feels the prick of grief in his nose. There is no turning back this time, however, and he sighs. The truth has been concealed for too long. Too many people have been impacted by his own selfish decision.

“Do you remember what I said last time? The longer a genie is away from his lamp, the more his magic diminishes. He will eventually run out of power. A genie’s power is the equivalence of a human’s lifeline. I have been in this world for too long and it has made me weak. Jimin knew this and he despised me for it. He sought for an explanation and when he found it, he acted on it. Jimin put a spell on you. He thinks I’ve been blinded by you and so he made all the memories I’ve repressed in you surface.”

There are a million questions you want to ask, however you stutter through them. “Each time you take away my memories… Are they the reason you’ve been losing your powers?”

He looks at you with shock. He did not expect you to remember that as well.

You look at him, letting your truth sink in while you resist speaking. “Am I the reason you are dying?”

He mournfully gazes at you. “Genies do not die. We simply cease to exist.”

We simply cease to exist. Hoseok would disappear from you like how he did in your apartment. Except this time, you would be able to find him. He would be gone from you… forever.

“There must be something I can do! I know! Let me make a wish now. I wish you to be free!”

Nothing happens.

“I wish you to be free!” you try again.

He laughs. “That’s not how it works. That is too generic of a wish. Free of what? Free from the bindings of a genie?”

“I wish you to be free of me!”

“You can’t say that. It conflicts with the wish you have made from before. You wished for me to be by your side and now you wish me not to be.”

“I wish you to forget me. There. If you forget me, nothing holds true.”

“But that is not a true wish. You do not truly wish for me to forget you.”

“Then what? What should I do, Hoseok? I’m the cause of this all, and I can’t do anything to save you! You’ve been dying because of me for the last twenty five years!” Desperation borders your words, and your voice is unstable. You are crying, but this time not out of the burden of emotions but the reality that you could truly lose him. That disappearing back would never make an appearance again.

Something flickers in his eyes and you are suddenly very aware of what you had said. The memories you have been reliving do not tell the same story as you had initially understood it to be.

“Except it hasn’t only been twenty five years, has it? It’s been much longer. That’s the only reason why your powers have diminished so much that Jimin had to do what he did to me,” you say slowly, trying to comprehend your own words as you speak. Your voice shakes when you ask the question that has been building up:

“How long?”

He looks at you; not just the you that is before him, but the you he has come to see from within. And once again, he is reminded of the fact that he loves you. He had known that the first time he laid his eyes on you. The love he felt was all encompassing: agape and paternal, philia and compassionate, eros and eternal.

“Thirteen lifetimes,” he finally answers. The ghost of a smile quickly flashes when seeing the shock over your face. He teases you, “Don’t tell me that you can’t believe reincarnation exists even though you accept the fact that I am a genie.”

“Thirteen…” you repeat quietly, your heart thundering in your chest. “So that’s...that’s how many years?”

“One thousand three hundred and seven.”

The sheer magnitude of the number settles in and you shake. “How?”

“Patience I guess. Sometimes you would be reincarnated quickly, other times not so much. But those are the perks of being a deity. Time holds no value for us.” He speaks about time like it is but grains of sand in a fast box. He speaks of the whole matter with such a light hand that you cannot help but feel anger at how he acts like he no longer cares.

“No. How could you wait for me?” is the only thing you can whisper.

He tilts his head. He knows what you are trying to say, although he feigns ignorance.

“Why did you wait all those years? Are you really obliged to fulfill all three of my wishes?”

“No,” he starts. He pauses and his lips move as a rehearsal. “I don’t have to.”

“Then why did you stay?”

“Initially, because of my own ego. I told myself that even if I had to wait a decades for your return, I would stay and do so. That’s the pride of a genie: to complete everything his master so wishes. But when I saw you for the fifth time…” his voice breaks.

He comes closer to you and reaches out. Grasping a strand of hair, he tucks it behind your ear before the gust of wind from the open window can release it again. His hand rests gently on your cheek.

“Each time we meet, you have never once pushed me away. To me, you are an otherworldly fountain - filled with abundance and overflowing. After wandering aimlessly in this desolate world, you were able to quench my thirst. I have taken so much from you and you ask for nothing in return. It is because of that I found myself continuously taking.

And like Adam in the garden of Eden, I took something that is forbidden,” he whispers, bringing into life the one thought he had been harbouring as a secret all this time. He is afraid to do so; afraid because he knows he should not have fallen in love with you; afraid of your possible rejection; afraid because he knows that the two of you could not be.

“You did not take it,” you echo, “I offered it.”

Your eyes close in response to when you feel his lips on yours. It is the softest kiss you have ever had and while it feels but like a passing breeze, you experience all the passion and love he has for you in it. It is the first time the two of you have shared a kiss in your memories, but your soul remembers him. You lean in closer and mold your lips stronger into his. He has taken all these memories away from you, but this is one you hold onto in desperation.

His confession illuminates light on the muddy visions of the past. Since the first time you remember talking to him, you had been unable to shake this feeling of familiarity; the sense of being able to bare your fears and troubles to him without judgment despite the fact that you could never place a finger on how the two of you truly met. And now you remember how he is able to feel like your guardian, your brother, and your friend all in one.

Your lover.

You break the kiss first, having to rest your forehead against his to ensure that this is not another one of the dreams you have been having.

“How do you know the difference between a superficial wish and a true wish?” you ask. The taste and scent of him still lingers around you and you want to reach forward for more.

“It’s a feeling that is deep within me. It calls my power from inside of me,” he answers.

“Then listen carefully, Hoseok,” you say. You lean back and place his hand over your heart. “Listen carefully and reach for that feeling. Because in this lifetime, I don’t want you to ever wipe my memory again. For the next fifty, sixty maybe even seventy years, I want to remember each moment I spend with you. But once this lifetime ends, I want you to forget me. I’ll carry the memory of you until then, but you… You can never forget, and I can’t let that happen anymore. It’s too unfair.”

Hoseok is silent.

You stare into his eyes, allowing the dark orbs to hold yours steadily as you tell him your final wish.

“You will remember me for as long as I remember you. The day I forget, you too will also forget. That is my wish.”

For a long time, he does not speak. Then, he leans in again and kisses you.

“I love you,” he says with finality.

Hoseok opens his eyes, stretching in his seat and feeling content and well. His muscles ache as he stands and surveys the room he is in. Everything is familiar in his eyes: from the walls to the bookshelf to the couch that he had been napping on.

A small part of him feels as if he should be overly accustomed to it all but when he strokes the spines of his beloved books, it is like he touches them for the first time in centuries. He takes one off the shelf and with a spin of his fingers, the bookshelf disappears and he is in a different room.

He cannot recall ever arranging furniture like this. Gone were the flamboyant mix of patterns, and the grand silken sheets laden on spreading pillows of feathers. They had all been replaced with mundane reflections of a setting found commonly in a living room. There is a fireplace, coffee table and a dinky matching throw on an overused long sofa. Walking over, he takes a seat and finds it pleasantly comfortable. He props his legs onto the table and cracks the book open.

Not even three sentences in, his vision wavers and blurs, rendering him unable to concentrate. He shakes his head to clear the sudden muddiness but something else barges in.

He is still sitting on the same sofa and everything around him looks the same. However, this version of him observes as a woman walks in through the door. Upon seeing him there, a smile cracks across her face and while tired, she takes excited steps to where he sits. He watches as he stands up and embraces her, taking her cold hands in his own warm ones. The woman says something and he cannot help but become flooded with feelings of adoration and devotion. He sees his own emotions mirrored within her eyes and this causes him to bend down and accept her kiss. From behind him, two small pairs of hands grasp at his legs and push themselves between their parent’s embrace.

He feels whole and complete for this brief moment in time.

Hoseok blinks a few times as the images fade. At some point, he had let his head fall back on the cushions, and so when his vision properly returns, his view is trailed upward.

The pinpoint of light from far above hits his eyes.

𝔞/𝔫 (2) >> this is a slightly edited version of the story i have posted on this website a long time ago when i was first active. if you see or recognize it, i was probably once a part of that blog. however, due to some circumstances, i can no longer access that blog nor am i affiliated with it anymore. but the thing is, i feel so sad that these stories are sort of gone from me. so i hope you don’t mind that this has been reuploaded, with a new title header and some little extra bits.

i recently hit a milestone on this blog, something i did not expect after returning back to this website. so i wanted to share this very special piece i wrote. i love me a good quick and dirty, but i also love me a good gut punch. if you’ve reached this part, i really really hope you have loved this piece as much as i loved writing it. hugs and kisses to you all.

#taking time to thank everyone once again for the abundance of love i've felt #bts #hoseok #bts fanfic #bts fic #hoseok fanfic #hoseok fic #bts x reader #hoseok x reader #bts fluff #bts angst #hoseok fluff #hoseok angst #namjoon #seokjin #jimin #taehyung #jungkook #yoongi

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127-mile · 3 years

Text

Let’s pretend we’re in love.

Pairing: Doyoung x gender neutral reader.

Genre: Fake dating, unrequited love, bff to strangers | Angst.

Warnings: strong language.

Plot: Doyoung is beautiful, he is also kind, attentive, affectionate, smart and funny. He is charismatic, and well-spoken. His voice could be mistaken with that of an angel, whether he is speaking, or singing. Doyoung is everyone's dream, the one person you would never hesitate to introduce to your parent. Doyoung is also...mean. Doyoung has the face and the voice of an angel, in the body of a demon.

Doyoung tells his mother he is dating you after lying about his relationship. Doyoung knows about your feelings, but he doesn’t care.

Word count: +4.2k.

A/n: this is part of the Mad about the boy collab hosted by @slightlymore.

Doyoung is beautiful, he is also kind, attentive, affectionate, smart and funny. He is charismatic, and well-spoken. His voice could be mistaken with that one of an angel, whether he is speaking, or singing. Doyoung is everyone's dream, the one person you would never hesitate to introduce to your parents. Doyoung is also..

"Y/n are you listening to me?" you are pulled away from your thoughts when Doyoung nudges you. He has been talking for over five minutes now, but all you could think about was how perfect he is. Yes, you saw his lips move, but you did not hear a sound that come out of his mouth. Now that you think about it, Doyoung does have pretty lips, and you wonder how it would feel to kiss him.

"Oh, what is wrong with you today?" he stops and grabs your wrist when you are about to run into a pole. "Are you alright? Are you sick? Do you need me to drive you back home? I can call my parents, and tell them I'll be late, it's fine. You look awfully lost today." you have a long sigh, why is he like this, always so caring.

"I'm fine Doyoung, don't worry about me, I guess I'm just a bit tired." you answer, and he does not look convinced but he shrugs. "Are you sure? My parents will not be mad if you decide to skip dinner." you shake your head as you start walking again, pulling Doyoung with you as he was still holding your wrist. "It's fine. What were you saying?"

"I was talking about my parents, and the reason they invited us." well, technically, they invited Doyoung to eat with them, but Doyoung answered one of your calls, and upon hearing your name, his parents decided to invite you too. A free meal in a nice restaurant is always pleasant, so you had to say yes. Maybe you shouldn't have, with how hard it is for you to focus on anything else than Doyoung's face.

"This weekend is the weekend where the whole family gets together in our grandparents' country house. I told them I would not come because of work, so they are going to try and convince me to join them." this time, you are the one stopping in your tracks. "If you knew what they were going to talk about, why did pretty much beg me to come? I do not want to be in the middle of an argument with your parents."

You met Doyoung when him and his family moved in the neighoroud, you were still young, so you have known each other for a very long time, and he got into the habit of having you by his side during arguments, because you are what he calls a neutral zone, or whatever is reasoning is. "Oh come on, you know they can't refuse me anything when you are here!"

"Doyoung, you are 25 year old! You should know how to settle an argument with your parents, you should know how to make them listen to you and accept whatever you have to say." he tilts his head to the side, and his eyes meet yours. It's enough for your heart to skip a beat, or two. Stupid heart. "Please?"

"Why don't you want to go by the way? The house is really cool, there is a lake, and your family is really sweet. Don't you miss them?" he looks around, and he notices how close he is from the restaurant. If he tries hard enough, he is pretty sure he can see his parents near a bay window, laughing together. "Because, I may have told my mother I had a partner, and she expects me to bring them."

"You are a dumbass, Kim Doyoung." you say in a sigh. "Why would you tell her that? If you do not have time to brush your hair, you definitely do not have time to date someone." he looks offended, but then he remembers the mess on his head, and he decides to stay quiet on the subject. "I don't know! My mom's been on my back about finding someone for months now, I guess I got tired of hearing her and I decided to lie."

"Why don't you find someone? Don't you have a cute coworker you wanted to ask on a date once? Ask them to play your partner." you hate how bright his smile becomes when you mention said coworker. You try not to think about what they have, that you do not have. This is not the time to mope. You'll cry about it later. "That's a great idea! You are the best."

Yes, yes, you are.

Doyoung crosses the road, and he pushes open the door to the restaurant. "After you." he says, and you step inside, smiling at the sudden warmth that invades your body. "Good evening, do you have a reservation?" the young man asks, and Doyoung nods. "My parents are waiting for us, they made a reservation under the name of Kim."

"Yes!" he exclaims, and he walks you to the table. The couple stands up when they see you, and you let Doyoung's mother embrace you for a second. "Y/n, it's been a while, how are you doing sweetheart?" she asks, and you sit down in front of her. "I am doing just fine, how are you?"

"Same old, same old." she starts, head tilted to the side. "we are trying to organize the family weekend, and as usual, it's stressful." you understand. You participated in a few of these gathering, and you know how stressfull everything is. You never regretted anything more than the time you offered to help.

"Yes, Doyoung told me, I'm sure it's going to be amazing, and you'll have a wonderful time with your family." the woman smiles warmly, and she puts her hand on Doyoung's. "Tell me baby, did you ask your partner to come with you?" you nibble on your lower lip, you are excited to hear his arguments.

"Mom, I told you, I have too much work, I can't come." she shakes her head, and you share a look with his father. He knows he is lying, but he keeps his mouth shut, he knows better than to intervene. "Come on Doyoung, don't be silly, I'm sure whatever you have to do can wait for the weekend to be over."

Before he can open his mouth, she raises her hand to shut him up. "I have an idea. Why don't you take your work with you, and I'll give you a couple of hours to work in your grandfather's office, how does that sound?" Doyoung's mother is tenacious, she knows what she wants, and she is ready to do everything in order to get it.

"You know, my darling, that I'm not getting younger by the day, and my dream is to meet the person who makes you so so happy." oh, she went there, you think. Doyoung looks at you, and you smirk, you are not going to help him. "I have something to tell you first."

"I'm listening." but before Doyoung can say anything, the waitress gives you the menu, and comes back to take the orders. And when she leaves, Doyoung's mother prompts him to speak. "Go on, my love, is something wrong?"

"Everything is fine, mother." he plays with his fingers, and you wonder what he is going to say. His mouth opens, and closes for a second, you wonder if he said anything, or if you blacked out because of what he said. All you hear is his mother squeal with delight, and when you look up, she is absolutely beaming.

"Oh my god! I told you it would happen eventually!" she says, hitting her husband on the shoulder. "You did say that." he mumbles, rubbing the aching spot. "I am so happy! And the family loves you, they are going to be thrilled to hear that!"

The rest of the dinner is a blur, you hear and say things, but your brain can't quite process whatever is happening. You must look odd to the Kim's eyes, but you can't even find it in yourself to care.

"See you on Saturday sweetheart." Doyoung's mother says, cupping your cheeks to kiss your forehead. "Yes, Saturday."

When the car disappears from your sight, you turn on your heels to face Doyoung. At least he has the decency to look ashamed, and he doesn't say anything when you hit him in the chest. "What the fuck, Doyoung?" you yell, and he knows people are looking at the scene, even if it's already dark outside.

"I'm sorry, I panicked." he answers, and you shake your head. "Couldn't you admit that you lied, instead of luring me into your lies without asking first!" he takes your hand, and he sighs. "I know, I know. But you were there, and my mom was so excited, I don't know what happened. And look how happy she was when I said it."

"Imagine how sad she is going to be when she'll learn it was a lie, Doyoung!" he knows he should have thought before opening his mouth in the restaurant, but it was his only solution, or so you thought. "She doesn't have to know it was a lit, we can just... I don't know, break up?"

This is a bad idea, you think. For you, who have been madly in love with Doyoung ever since you were kids, it's going to hurt. Because you know Doyoung does not reciprocate your feelings, and never will, and he will play the perfect boyfriend you wish you had.

The break up is going to hurt like a bitch, even if it's fake, and yet, you open your mouth. "We are breaking up at the end of the weekend."

"We need to get the details right, when did we become official?"

Doyoung sits on the edge of the bed as you put your clothes in the dresser. "I don't know Doyoung. You are the one who brought me into this mess, so you should be the one thinking about it." he mumbles something you don't understand, and you turn on your heels to face him. "You are telling me that you did not think about the details at all?"

You did think about everything, of course you did. Not because you were excited about this situation, but because it is something you thought about a lot these past few years.

"I was busy!" he exclaims, and you sigh. "If you want it to be believable, you need to think. Right now. Because your family will be there in a few minutes." you are glad you arrived before everything else, it gives you the time to settle down, and to think about the things you could have talked about in the car.

"We can't tell them it's been a few months, because my mom will bet mad that I did not tell her sooner. So maybe two or three weeks?" you nod. "Yeah, okay. Who confessed?" Doyoung seems to think about it, and when he opens his mouth to answer, you wish you never asked the question. "You, you did it. It what you would have done if it really happened, uh?"

You do not say anything, you do not like the way he said it, like he knows something. He probably does to be honest, you are not the best at hiding your feelings.

"Kids, come say hello!" saved by the bells.

You get out of your bedroom, and you go down the stairs. A few of Doyoung's cousins just entered the house, and they smile when they see you both. "Oh, Y/n, I didn't know you would be here!" Jungwoo says and he puts you into a bone-crushing hug. "Yeah, last minute decision." you answer.

You greet the other members of the family, and before you can understand what is happening, someone grabs your hand to pull you into the living room. "Guys, you all know Y/n, right? Well, I would like to officially introduce Y/n as my partner!"

You try not to look uncomfortable when they all cooe, but you can't smile either. Doyoung is just dropping the bomb, when you thought he would tell the news to some members of the family if they ever asked about his love life. Well, you agreed to be here, so you have to go with the flow. Or rather with Doyoung's decisions.

"I never thought I would see the day where you would finally confess your feelings for our dear cousin." Jungwoo says, and you laugh but god do you want to punch him square in the face. He is the only one in the family to know about your true feelings, so with the little announcement, he feels allowed to say everything he knows.

"Yes, I was wondering if Y/n was ever going to do it. About time." Doyoung answers, and you roll your eyes, but fortunately, his mother calls everyone in the garden. She wants to celebrate the beginning of what she thinks will be a memorable weekend.

"They are gone, you can let go of my hand." you mumble, and he shakes his head. "We have to play the perfect little couple, so might as well do it fully." what is the point of playing when no one is around to see you, if not play with your heart. "You always wanted it, so don't be like that. Come on, let's not make them wait."

He leads you to the garden, and when he finally lets go of your hand to grab two glasses of wine, you feel yourself breathing again. Of course, you spent the last couple of days thinking about the weekend, and how it would turn out, but you thought it would be nice, you know, to be closer to your long-time crush, but no, it's unberable and it's been less than an hour.

"I would like to thank everyone for making the trip for the weekend, I am really glad to see you all, because I have to be honest with you, this year was not easy, and I missed each and every one of you. I am also really grateful to have Y/n with us, I always knew Y/n would be the one to make our sweet boy happy."

Doyoung looks proud, and he is beaming under the attention when you want nothing more than to burry yourself in the ground. "Thank you for accepting me." you say when you hear nothing but silence and feel way too many pairs of eyes on you. "Of course, my love. You were always part of the family, so it is even more normal to have you here with us today."

That's sweet, but what is not is the way Doyoung chuckles under his breath.

"Oh, here you are!" Jungwoo sits down next to you on the couch, and he puts his head on your shoulder. "I've been looking for you everywhere. You know the grandfather's office is off limit?" you shrug, eyes still closed. "I don't care, I needed some alone time."

Jungwoo straightens up, and he does what he does best, he pouts. "What's going on? Are you not happy to be here with us?" you heave a long sigh, opening your eyes to look at him. "I am. I'm always happy to see all of you, especially you Woo, but I don't know. I guess it's overwhelming this time."

"I bet it is. Everyone is all over you, asking you questions. I would dip too if I were you." he answers, and you stay quiet for a couple of minutes. "You and Doyoung, it's an hoax right?" you do not know if you like or hate the fact that Jungwoo is always quick to catch on. "It's that obvious?"

"Not really," he starts, standing up to stretch his long legs. "but you've been in love with him for ever, so seeing you here, when you should be glued to him is weird." that's definitely what you would be doing if Doyoung was not acting so.. you do not even know how to describe it. "I don't know Woo, Doyoung has been acting weird since we arrived."

"What do you mean?" you take the time to think about it, because Jungwoo is still Doyoung's cousin, and you do not want to upset him. "He is the one who told his parents that we were dating, without asking me first, and yet, he is acting like an asshole."

"He throws little comments about my feelings, my real feelings, each chance he gets, and every time, he has that nasty smile on his face." you explain, and Jungwoo hums. "I know it's been only a few hours, and he is probably acting out of nervousness, but it's like.. did he just trick me into coming here just to humiliate me in front of everyone?"

You expect Jungwoo to tell you that you are wrong, that you are imagining everything, but no. "I would not be surprise, to be honest with you." you narrow your eyes, and you don't know what to expect now. "We went on vacation last year, remember? And there, he met this person. It was obvious that they caught feelings for him, and he just played with them."

"He is not stupid, and he understood pretty quickly, but instead of being flattered or to let them down gently, he just decided to be an asshole about it." if Doyoung was not acting like that today, you would never have believed a word of what he said. This is not the Doyoung you know. "But why would he do that? He is not like that on the daily."

"Everyone things he is perfect, but I guess perfection does not extist, and he is the proof." you don't really know how to feel right now. You want to leave, because you are mad. You are mad at yourself, and you are mad at him. "But why me? I'm here to help him, and I'm his best friend, not some kind of summer fling. I never did anything to wrong him or anything, I don't understand."

"I wish I knew Y/n." he answers, putting his hand on your shoulder. "I know how much you love him, and I am sorry he is playing with you." you sigh, you are at loss for words right now. You want to leave but you can't, not this early. Maybe you can find an excuse to leave? No, you can't. Doyoung is the one who drove you here.

"Keep me from hurting him if he decides to act up again today." you say, and Jungwoo nods with a smile. "You know, I am not that strong, so if I can't hold you for long enough, and that you end up actually hurting him, I'm sorry." he winds, and he opens the door to let your out first.

"Well, that was a nice day!" Doyoung says as he lets himself fall on the bed. You have to move your arm to avoid it being stuck under his body. "Good for you." you answer, and he turns on his side to look at you, frowning. "Is something wrong?"

"Are you really asking me that?" you don't know if you should tell him everything you have in mind, or keep quiet and wait until you leave, but you are not sure you can hold for another day. All you know is that you don't want to snap in front of the entire family.

"I have a question, why are you such an asshole with me?" he straightens up, back against the bedframe and he crosses his arms against his chest. "What are you talking about? Wa barely talked today!" you scoff. "And for a reason. Every time we talked, you just made me look like an idiot."

"Why are you doing this? What was the point of asking me to come, if you were planning on being mean?" he bites the inside of his cheek. If you try to remain calm, it seems hard for him too. He has a lot to say, but everyone is asleep, and he knows how quick he gets angry, and he doesn't want anyone to eavesdrop.

"So we are really doing this, uh?" you don't know what he is referring to, but you nod either way. "I'm tired Y/n. I'm tired of you being in love with me." well, that's not what you were expecting, but you are not surprised, if this taught you anything is that you can't expect anything when it comes to Doyoung anymore.

"Hear me out. I know you love me, I always knew, and the attention is nice, but I never mentionned it because you are my best friend, and I never wanted our relationship to change. But I met someone." oh.

"It's my coworker, the one I wanted to ask of a date. Well, I did, last year, and we've been dating ever since. But they can't stand the way you look at me, and it weight a lot on our relationship." you shake your head. "Then why did you bring me? Why didn't you introduce them to your parents instead?"

"How do I say that.. I needed a reason for you to hate me. Not as your friend, but as a potential lover. I needed something to calm your feelings, because as much as I love you, as a friend, my relationship with them is way more important." it feels like someone is squeezing your heart, and you wouldn't be surprised if it came out of your ribcage, in pieces.

"They hate how you look at me, and I understand, I am to the point where I hate it too." you open your eyes wide, and you look up. You refuse to cry. Not in front of Doyoung, he does not deserve it. "So your only option was to break my heart, in front of your entire family? You could have told me the truth, I would have understood you know, I might be in love with you, but I am not stupid!"

"You say you love me as a friend, and yet, you are doing this. You decided to play with my heart to hurt me. And for what?" your voice is shaking, and it sounds a lot like a sob that escapes your pressed lips. "I'm sorry." he whispers, and you laugh as you get out of bed.

"You are not sorry, Doyoung. This is not your first time doing something like this. Is this what gets you going? Breaking people's hearts? Are you planning on doing the same with your current partner?" he shakes his head, and of course, he would never do something like that. Sweet sweet Doyoung.

"You know what? You don't have to worry about me looking at you some type of way, because starting from tomorrow, you will not have to see me again. It'll be so much easier for you." you grab your suitcase, and you stuff your clothes inside. "What are you doing?" Doyoung stands up and he follows you every move.

"I'm going to sleep on the couch, and I'll go home first thing in the morning. Don't worry about driving me back, you can stay here, enjoy and explain to your mother why she will never see me again. Maybe you should also tell her why her son is such a fucking asshole, I'm sure she's going to love it."

"Come on, don't be like that." he says in a sigh, and you open the bedroom door. "Don't be like what? Don't be like a fucking human being with feelings? Well I'm sorry, but I am!" if the family was not around you, you would have sloed the door hard enough for the sound to echoes against the walls, but instead, you close it softly.

Doyoung is beautiful, he is also kind, attentive, affectionate, smart and funny. He is charismatic, and well-spoken. His voice could be mistaken with that of an angel, whether he is speaking or singing. Doyoung is everyone's dream, the one person you would never hesitate to introduce to your parents. Doyoung is also mean.

Doyoung has the face and the voice of an angel, in the body of a demon.

So yes, you are mad about the boy, but you are also mad about yourself.

#nct #nct imagines #nct scenarios #doyoung imagines #doyoung scenarios

171 notes · View notes

problematicpervertpod · 3 years

Text

recs on recs on recs

Yaoi/Manga I’m reading/have read. Please support the artists on official websites. If you have recs or want to chat about any of these get in my messages right the fuck now my dudes. Also spoilers, also this probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but me, also I think I’m funny sorry in advance.

Dangerous Convenience Store

Tags: Ongoing, self aware lead for the most part, gangs, smut, love triangle, possessive, not rapey, seme is like the fucking hulk compared to uke, college, age gap, good art, muscular bodies, seme is adorable/romantic in sp chapters, sexual awakening, meeting the gang (in two ways!), FAINTS OF CUTENESS/HOTNESS, the memes after every chapter got me gagged, HAHE hahahahahahahahahaha, OMG DO I GET SOME CNC?! (update: short lived), we stan a vocal man (Ahjussi), thigh fucking, my mans be like my thighs hurt fuck my ass instead DECEASED, ass smacking, these memes are so good god damnit, rimming

8/10, I live for Ahjussi (Am I spelling this wrong..)

The New Employee

-love love love

Tags: ongoing, we stan supportive boyfriends, healthy relationship, boss/employee, smut, office setting, good art, 10/10 will re-read, muscular bodies

Love Shuttle

Tags: completed, ABO, enemies to lovers, possessive, coworkers, fake relationship, strong omega, the art sucks but I like the story, art gets better after the 1st season, alphas eyes change colors when happy/anxious, muscular bodies, 7/10, update 10/10 art is meh but fml this storyline is basic af in the best way and it’s the fluff/smut I need, when you’re caught by the folks *cringe*

Hold Me Tight

Tags: ongoing, boss/employee, bodyguard, gio can’t feel heat until felix comes along, uke is strong af, horny bastards, smut, possessive, tragic childhood, moving in together right away, rich seme, felix in a bunny costume though *heart eyes*, dialogue is great, rape in a technical sense but the vibe is written like both characters are all good after? Ex. hospital scene…dub con, ART IS GREAT, hand holding during sex, 10/10 will re-read, muscular bodies

Yours to Claim

Tags: ongoing, love triangle, Dom/sub dynamics, smut, main is big switch energy, reincarnation, jealousy, manipulative, possessive, self aware lead for the most part, toxic af, GREAT ART, college, rich semes, 10/10 will re-read and not even finished, SONOFABITCH that cliff hanger!! Season 3 come thruuuu (I have to wait until November? *cries* BUT MAH LOVE TRIANGLE!!, I want a THROUPLE GOD DAMN IT

The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

Tags: obsessed with this story, will the incense burner scenes make it?? No tags because I'll never forget this one haha wangxian 5ever, send me all fanfics/fan art you have about this story, love Dark Wangji, Jadecest, ABO/omegaverse, Bottom Wangji/Top Wei Ying, and honestly anything regarding this fandom

Bj Alex

Tags: completed, great art, 11/10 will re-read, cam boy, fanboy, seme is an asshole, uke is so sexy, jealously, rich seme, enemies to lovers kind of?, CHANWOO IS MY BOY FOR LIFE, Chanwoo MD supremacy, BDSM (like really really), fuck I love Chanwoo, college students, rich seme, emotional rollercoaster, uke soft body, mean seme, college life, that one nosy bitch ass guy trying to expose my boys needs to fuck right off, seme split/fake personality, dub con

Anti PT

Tags: ongoing, 11/10 re-readable, porn with feelings, love triangle, jealousy, attempted non-con, personal training wink wink, main love interest is actually the best, second male lead is a god damn creep, first time, smut, great art, sex addict/constantly horny uke, I WANT A HWI,

Related: https://www.anime-planet.com/manga/anti-pt/recommendations

Payback

Tags: ongoing, both are psychopaths tbh, revenge, gangs, uke sells himself to seme, violent seme, entertainment industry, brunette supremacy, what this motherfucker gonna do? hehe , great art, muscular bodies, dead dove do not eat, my mans must be GOOD looking/animal magnetism cause everyone losing their fucking minds, okay this is a comedy I’m dying, he tried to scare him with wanting to be a top but my psycho said REVERSEUNO BITCH I’M A VERSE (wait jk apparently *sigh*), anonymous masked sex (sad n’ kinky)

My Suha

Tags: ongoing, wow this gets dark, possessive af like holy shit, terrible people all around uke, rape, boss/employee, office politics/family politics, smut, characters that are punchable, dead dove do not eat, *velociraptor noises*, avoided this for a while but I’m back because nothing can be more emotionally devastating than Banana Fish, TIE HIM UP, FUCK HIS FACE ALKSJD:ASKD, FUCK SUHA UR SO HOT that dirty talk though YAS, glad I picked this back up lmao, GOD DAMN IT just when the package arrived then this red head fucker *screams*

Shame Application aka Dirty Vibration

Tags: completed, friends to lovers, model seme, cute af uke, love triangle, entertainment industry, smut, kink, all kinds of sex everywhere, realized feelings, mutual pining, jealousy, rich seme, blonde seme, big brother 1984 always watching, 10/10 would re-read, porn with plot, they were roommates!, ~straight~ seme, first times, great art, remembering some cringe but considering the story it’s par for the course

Will You Subscribe

Tags: ongoing, season 1 completed, enemies to lovers, cam boy, office politics, boss/employee, hiding a secret, public sex, stalkers/creepy men, emotionally stunted characters, mutual pining, idiots in lust, lingerie company, slut shaming, jealousy/possessiveness, season 2 bebeh, HOLDING HANDS *velociraptor noises*, LMAO okay my mans is not THAT old how tf does he not know netflix and chill, BUNNY COSTUME (quickly becoming my new fav trope in manga, A+ gang), oh we stan a good boy, wtf is wrong with wanting to do cam work, ‘I wish my marks could become permanent’ *omegaverse wink*, *works for lingerie company* *doesn’t understand where bf gets sexy costumes* like wut kind of fuckery…, cross dressing ftw, roleplay, classic BL miscommunication trope

Hyperventilation

Tags: completed, high school crush, unrequited love, mutual pining, smut, quickie (short story), class reunion, apparently furry with the extra chapter turning my man into a bunny but c'est la vie! https://myreadingmanga.info/korean-bl-animation-hyperventilation-engsub/ this is the animation of the same story, different endings but same in tone (this site is spammy AF but the English subs are so hard to find for this) 8/10

Unmei no tsugai ga omae da nante

Tags: only one bed, ABO, office setting. Coworkers, enemies to lovers, competitive, equality in the omegaverse, dubcon, real dicks and not lightsabers, fated pair, art is cute af 8/10

K’s Secret

Tags: buckle up buttercup, dead dove do not eat, angst, pining, somnophilia, dub con, non con, boss/employee, manipulative, stalking, forced relationship, tragic childhood background, weird art but gets better, uke: don’t threaten me with a good time but seriously stop threatening me, possessive & obsessive, seme is like the fucking hulk compared to uke, wow were going full psycho stalker hm?, dating a narcissist is all fun and (mind)games, con non con… ? honestly who tf knows, domestic!, OW MY HEART, the t/n WAP note sent me, ch 51 translated by gen z, do special ep= furry? Wait there’s a maid costume, bunny costume, directors friends keeping it real, rough translations 8/10

Enthusiasm

Tags: ongoing, dead dove do not eat, uke buys seme, masc boys, muscular bodies, fight club, master/slave, rich uke, revenge, real dicks not lightsabers, rough sex, cuckholding, daddy issues, suicide, wow the end of ch 5 punched a hole in my heart, penile implant life, rough translations makes the storyline wonky, nvm back to lightsabers *star wars noises*, HAD ME FEELING SOME TYPE OF WAY I CAN NOT, shibari, possessive, wait this is cute *velociraptor noises*, angst, no kithes for you “bestie”, OBSESSED, honestly choke him pupper, STAY THE NIGHT ALKSDJA:SLDKJAS:LKDJA:SLDKj, problematic but I’m riding for these two,

Ichimai Goshi Fetish

Tags: completed, short, fetishes DO start in childhood don’t they *ruminates*, author: describes ML as a beautiful 2D character meanwhile: ML IS 2D character, fellas is it gay to kiss the homies?, “real dudes don’t interest me” is a MOOD, comedy, jealousy, college setting, dialogue is A+, not lightsabers but not dicks either, first time, when you’re fucked so good you think you’ve died, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4uEq5Nx6ko, hero/villain roleplay. Fluff n smut 10/10

My Purrfect Boss

Tags: completed, tooth rotting fluff because blondie is so FUCKING cute little sensitive soul, golden retriever boyfriend, pure comedy, DECEASED, MY MAN JUST DID THE SLOW BLINK, office setting, boss/employee, ~wasted~ (red dead redemption meme), FFS SO CUTE, he put a ring on it right away beyonce would be proud af, he protecc he attack but most importantly he hit it from the back, jealousy, honeymoon phase of dating, the ex is a snake (update: oh wow literally), I’m picking up abuse/PTSD vibes based on how Kang reacts to his ex :(, classic BL miscommunication plot, immediately no meme audio (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6XWSGfYnps) , I WILL STRAIGHT UP MURDER CHA WTF!!!!!!, gang rape, spiked with drugs that force heat, me rn:*screaming/rage*, psychotic ex/abuser, HE PROTECCC, actual relief after that scene jesus fuck, okay YES kings I see you, okay this is giving me cuteness aggression, hi yes I’d like to adopt a cat and a dog please 9/10

Following Namsoo to the Bathhouse

Tags: completed, same author as, “My Purrfect Boss”, A+ comedy once again, JUNIOR, gay awakening, “fap myself to death” DEAD, facial expressions are ridic, my minds telling me no but my body, my bodyyyy’s telling me yaaaaa, ya boy is literally losing his mind over this, actual lightsabers lmao, FLUFF, permasmile, 6969, THINKS THEY’RE GOING TO EAT RAMEN, dense gay, own your skin wtf okay hannibal calm down, everyone is officially cray, ah I also am barfy when drunk, denial really is something hm, classic BL miscommunication plot, when people pleasing too far, happy ending 🥺🥰, side story: our crazy gets his very own crazy (ashton Kutcher from spread vibes), public sex, sex sparkle 9/10

Alien in my Closet

Tags: ongoing (maybe completed but def ongoing on the site I use), not rapey at all?? You’d think it’s impossible in this medium ffs, anti pt vibes, cute art, fluff ‘n smut, red head!!, they were roomates!, sex toys, bsdm, D/s (brat)dynamic or maybe owner/pet, bondage, *tiffany hadish voice* this is noiceeee, con humiliation/degradtion, SANTA CLAUS, edging, marking, one lotus please (he’s clearly read the 4 agreements and karma sutra), con non con, exhibitionism, the wrist thing stays on people, Katoptronophilia, roleplay, is it stalking when you bring your friends?, lotus: welcome home cheater, the chin on the head thing gives me cuteness aggression, the twins are my favs, when ur crush vanilla af 😭, haesung: experiment on me daddy, no dick until halfway through/fingering supremacy, bedroom sessions has me gagged, voyeurism, wait they haven’t kissed this whole time I forgot (audio: https://www.tiktok.com/@ryley/video/6976701880277748997?lang=en), sunbae is sus, YES FINALLY A FUCKING SWITCH COUPLE AKJSDHALKSJDHASKLJDHALS KJDALKSJD (update: sort of), there’s a missed opportunity for an anal probe joke, damn it okay maybe sunbae is chill, 3 musketeers, my heart*implodes*, *velociraptor noises*, 12/10 would re-read such fluff my heart

On Doorstep

Tags: completed, age gap, reese has ptsd, jimmy going from 0 to 100, jimmy really got down on his knees at work, ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) deepest part you say, real dicks, ride him like a rodeo, quickie/short story, porn with plot

Gorani Jeon

Tags: ongoing, omegaverse, no alpha though, animal hybrid, art is beautiful like it's drawn on paper not a screen, 40 inch weave yours came in a pack, historical (non-modern), lord send me a sexy man pls, the memes after each chapter are golden, taking the phrase licking wounds literally, is that an eggplant or are you just happy to see me hehe, ahhh so inhibitors do exist here, vertical 69, here lays Bau fucked to death by Ran, WHY HE TOUCHING MY MAN, these chickens are dope, stomp on his dick, that’s what I call a happy meal, fucked right out the front door I’M DEAD, mpreg, i need a tiger+mountain god spin off (whoops dad/son my bad), slice of life, cute fluff 8/10

Room to room

Tags: completed, college setting, A+ dialogue, absurd size difference, unrequited love, sexsomina, dubcon, angst, death by a thousand cuts emotionally, insecurity, body envy, pining, friends to lovers, they were roommates!, homophobia, sexual assault, PTSD, gays in denial, the tattoo 🥺 ow my heart, truly this is 90% smut, “going from unrequited love to fwbs is shittier than I expected”, dowan *bad blood by t swift* when he sees garam, ch 22garam reminds me of my ex and that’s not a compliment, I’m not gay but my boyfriend is vibes, triflers need not apply, spanking, 😭😭😭😭😭 my heart hurts, is anyone getting a bit of a puppy play vibe? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vni9ZWmDXis, handcuffs, lots of head we stan, dowan’s gotta a touch of a foot thing or maybe body worship thing, asdlfgkjs ;dlkfgjsd;flkgj;sdflkgj;sdlfgjs;d/gkdf SO CUTEEEEEEEEEEE, roleplay. They broke the bed no use of crying over spilled milk ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), side stories delivering man in uniform and sex toys AND puppy, asdlkjaslfkasdjfl;askdfjasdf the shirt thing is so hot, watersports, I take it back this is 98% smut 9/10

Mistake Lover

Tags: completed, when ur bff is back on their BS, love triangle, coworkers, i swear all these ukes look the same to me at this point (which is very cute), GE!!!! (wangxian flashbacks), wait no smut?.... Paused

Yagi to ookami no hatsujou jijou

Tags: completed, quickie/short story, literally on my reading list because a comment said “nice cock 10/10”hahahaha, animal hybrids, scifi/aliens, me during chapter one: am I a furry? No. Am I? Relevant audio https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noJNIqvDfoo, hotties when human GOD DAMN, bi king, okay I stan this girl changing gears take your opportunities honey!, does blondie have a tinder or how is this happening? (update: called it), feminization, dubcon/noncon, marking, heats, idk about 10/10 cock but not lightsabers, translation is ruff (get it?), a yankee hahaha, literal wound licking, googles chimera, *claps* yes king selfish call his ass out, tail holding caaaayoooot, not that isn’t usually copious amounts of cum but really this is a lot 8/10

Make Me Bark

Tags: completed, $250 a month rent?? *cries in Californian*, god damn it these grey haired 2D men are really hot fml, “next months rent is a looming concern but I hope it’ll get better” followed by apartment on fire is how I feel about reality, rare characters that smile way more than they frown, sex toys, kink, puppy play, owner/pet dynamic, sugar daddy/baby, college setting, harness, muzzle, leash, tail plug, shirt thing!!, soaked briefs, playing barbie IRL, omg meet cute at the adult store, intercrural sex, possessive/jealousy, ah fuck yes I saw this panel on IG but it didn’t have the source but now hehe, whipping, choking, spanking, *bookmarks*, simp city, childhood friends, side couple cute af, yeonsoo: sorry I’m an anti romantic, size queen, mens lingerie, domestic, mutual pining, these bestie pairings are *chefs kiss*, skinny but muscular bodies/no ridiculous size differences, “does he have a big dick?” “probably” “well tell him to come” GAGGED AJKSDHALSKDJHA this dialogue pure comedy, exhibitionism, human auction, maid costume, men in heels, topping in a dress, girl at the bus stop HAHAHA, ffs this is so cute, side stories: it’s a small world afterall, dynamic role reversal, pink haired boy is guru, SCREAMING AKDJA:SLDKJA:LKDJA:LSDKJLAKDJA:LDJAL:SKDJASLKDJA:SLKDJLAKSDJLASDJ:LASJD:ALSKDJASL:DJ:ASLJDPUTARINGONIT!!!! 11/10

Gurume no fukurami

Tags: completed, quickie/short story, food fetish, feeding fetish, age gap, throuple-eqsue? There’s 3 people involved, paused ch 1 pg 30

Under the Green Light

Tags: ongoing, thank you IG for rec’ing this, brunette supremacy, neurodivergent?, lmao @hag, this statue is everything I wonder if it’s based on a real piece?, we went from talking art to being pinned to the ground REAL quick, translations rough but not as rough as my mans here, draw me like one of your french girls vibe, sass master, these dicks are ridiculously huge which is saying something for this genre, i love a verse/switch, “first time he’s asked someone to stop so his self-esteem is hurt” HAHAHAHA, stealing bae’s shirt, facials galore, car sex/public sex, jin not into praise kink clearly, sort of slut shaming jealousy, marking

Walk on Water

Tags: completed, for being about porn it’s not that smutty (i take it back), “don’t even think about running away” got me like https://giphy.com/gifs/VABbCpX94WCfS, actual dicks (lightsabers later must be the cleaners not the OG), muscular bodies, blonde seme, brunette uke, k mcqueen is everything, honestly haven’t loved a couple this much since chanwoo x MD and I LOVE THEM, jealousy, orgasm denial, the angles/frames of the art in this are insane (11/10), emotional intimacy CUTENESS HASIHDLASKDHJLAKSJDH, i wanna lick lick lick you from your head to your toes, dirty talk A+, bestie you turned out to be Judas you judgy fuck how dare you touch my man, Ryan is 50 shades of fucked up bb needs therapy, Chang and yeowoons sexual tension is *chefs kiss*, I ship it/all my ships sailing, woof non con but expected tbh, YEAH BABY YEAH *Austin powers voice*, fml I don’t want this story to end, meeting the Hets ™ would make me nervous too, spiderman kith, mirror sex sjkadfhasldjkfh, 34+35, JOI but with a partner? Not D/s, promises are made to broken hehe, that feeling when you understand the title, omg the fan art is so cool!! 15/10 would re-read seriously I can’t explain how well the artist used angles/how she portrayed the scenes was fucking MASTERFUL

Woof Wolf

Tags: that's my best friend (saweetie), red heads, werewolf au, college setting, students, shoot a shot in your mouth while I'm riding, facials, marking

Sexual Awakening of an Ex Delinquent

Tags: completed, quickie/short story, sexual coercion/non con/dub con, tiddies, bondage, nipple play, edging/orgasm denial, candy in ass wow, food kink, kink in general, rich seme working class uke, lightsabers, big dick Jesus fuck, exhibitionism, public sex, men's lingerie, Blondie is a sweet baby angel, self hatred/homophobia, sexual narrating that has me like oof 😣 that's not how this works but okay, the sweet spots thing is a great line, man is a slave to the sweets, lmao at the meme at the end of ch 9 fucking facts, kidnapping plot, rapey guys all around this story, tattoo/back story reveal has me like *nods head yes*, my throats broken has me gagged, crazy amount of sfx noises that distract from the art (I really appreciate cleaners I realize), first times, rushed ending feels, would rate 6/10 not terrible but probably won't read again.

With Your Tail Yes

Tags: ongoing, IG rec, quickie/short story, on man brunette looks EXACTLY like a different character by another artist like for real duplicate, home boy pulled Elle Wood’s Bend n Snap and we are HERE FOR IT, lingerie/cross dressing, okay compilation of short stories, great artwork but wtf these are far too short (maybe uploaded wrong..?), *immediately makes deal with the devil because yum*, ah okay previews THEN stories, human animal hybrid situation, lightsabers, fucking imagine your crush delivery the sex toy you ordered online HAHA *dies*, buys toys because men ain’t shit is a VIBE, you know he’s always wearing matching sets because he’s 100% that bitch, dub con/non con, knotting (unexpected), exhibitionism, public sex, good ol’ fashion blackmail to get your lover to stay with you trope, sexual assault/attempted rape, victim blaming, shibari, leashes, D/brat dynamic sort of, copious amounts of cum, lube? What lube?, marathon sex, first time, 75 hours?? Immediately no meme, 7/10 mostly for art/concepts but not execution

Heat and Run

Tags: ongoing, IG rec, omegaverse, friends to enemies to lovers, multiple couples as main to sides then sides to mains, my heart dropped because I thought the first sex scene was incest but then realized I’m mixing up all the characters derp, dense gays, this is america (the shooting comment WOOF reality feels bad man), blondes have more fun, real dicks, dubcon/CNC dealers choice, mutual pining, idiots in love, big alpha energy BDE, there are moments I feel Hayoung on a spiritual level and not sure that’s a compliment hahaha, orgasm denial/edging, istg if he bonded without Hayoung permission *jenna marbles BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII YOU BETTAH NOT*, also I was hoping the idol was him but realizing it’s probs his sis, *deep sigh*, BDIRL, wow racism, oh no oh no no no no no meme audio, listen everyone needs to get into therapy to break that generational trauma is all I’m saying (not excusing abuse at all, trauma isn’t a free pass), NO ONE WANTS TO PLAY A GAME WITHOUT KNOWING THE RULES :ALKSDHJALKSDJA:SLKDJTRUE, matthew singing bo burnham: I’m problematic *background singers ‘he’s a problem!’*, i ship it yolo, JAEHO STAN (no means no!), mpreg, god damn it I am so worried about him getting roofie and the party scene hasn’t even started ABO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TOO ME, OH THANK JAEHO, dayummmm that clapback was real fuck him UP, me clapping: MARK HIM MARK HIM, GOD DAMN IT WITH THESE ONGOING FUCKING CLIFF HANGERS FML, marked via knotting? Okay that’s new, but also like normal marking I think, fucking til bottom pees trope

Heaven Officials Blessing

Animated series season 1 complete. Live action currently filming (same director as Untamed too UGH SO HAPPY)

Tags: ongoing, same author as my fav ever MDZS, just finished season 1 animated on netflix and can no longer avoid this because I LOVE THEM, all the memes on IG make sense now, Prince voice: Dearly Beloved (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXJhDltzYVQ) we are gathered here today to dive deeper into a fandom I will never escape, ART IS AMAZING (https://tenor.com/view/incredible-talented-lady-brilliant-gaga-gif-14857187), group chats are always chaotic tbh, wait a minute meme audio: bride = bottom? How tf did I not get that the first time round *sigh* always hoping for a verse couple, the asst. Boys I ship hard, the sass, fuck this is going to just be pure angst isn’t it *straps in, has fluffy manga queued*, even if no smut 11/10 gege porn, not subtle, god FUCK this ART IS SO FUCKING GOOD THE TALENT skjas;ldkfja;, 🥺, traumatic cliff moment *mdzs flashbacks*, HC smirk is my new favorite thing, no fucking but lots of touching, size difference, horror, gore, wuxia, great side characters, my ear feels tingly too lmao, SOMEONE BETTER GET THESE MF SNAKES ON THIS MF PLANE (cliff), umbrella moments got me uwu, gimme at least didi pleaseandthankyou, FUCK I LOVE THIS ARTIST she keeping us WELL fed with these extras DAYUM, wind/earth master ship please sail, CALL ME DADDY IM DEAD, HC has LWJ energy like you are not qualified to talk to me LOL, WAIT this totally counts as there was only one bed trope, also I’m already excited about omegaverse ff (send me recs please please please)

4 week lovers

Tags: ongoing because apparently I want to torture myself, mutual pining/”unrequited love”, college life, friends to lovers, blackmail ur crush into sex trope, public sex, I was going to tag possessive body language but possessive in a general sense apparently (starting strong yessss), sure jan @unrequited love dialogue, THEY WERE ROOMMATES *cackles*, sus haha, rough translation, pure comedy, shirt thing!, casual abuse :( (back story, traumatic childhood), I’m getting TharnType vibes (but not quite…), that note is precious, cry during/after sex, great angles, dialogue A+

Burlesque Night

Tags: completed, quickie/short story, stripper/body guard, coworkers, lust at first sight, magic mike vibes, fridays = getting fucked on stage O-O, well that was traumatizing af, took a bullet, real dicks, LDR, CUTE, I’m not in love with you… sure jan, OH WOW MASTER dlksaj;alsdkja;lsdkja;sld, gay awakening/first time, the art detail is *chefs kiss*, disappointed but not surprised :( :( :(, we stan a yes and lover, shirt thing, still not sure wtf the vertical anus thing is but full circle moment haha, you know what fuck it I’d re-read this 9/10

My one and only cat

Tags: ongoing, cat hybrids, god damn it I’m totally in furrydom ffs, ah well here we go, idol hot = loneliness wahhh /s, so hot he literally transforms other beings, omg a cat cafe CUTE, fuck that cat is cute *so fluffy*, stalker status, comedy, real dicks, I think the uncle would be supportive/jealous even I hope they talk about it I’m dying to know his thoughts, big tiddies, if this ain’t the cutest shit FLUFF/SMUT, copious amounts of cum, ate it with the panties on, CAKE, xmas, his milkshakes bring all the boy(cats) to the yard, trifling bitch

Imitation Mate

Tags: completed, omegaverse, alpha x alpha. Class rivals YAS, childhood frans, enemies to lovers omg this is all the shit I want, manipulation 1000 but yolo I ship it

Mr. 100% Perfect

Tags: ongoing, so relatable, OCD?, hoarder, when I read the title I thought mental illness and I was right, masks ugh RELATABLE, getting back together w ex, woof sibling drama/manipulation, suicide attempt, omg their communication regarding the psycho is REFRESHING, OMG JEJU ISLAND I see it in every fucking kdrama ever but this is the first time I’ve seen it mentioned in a manga *hm* interesting, furry furry everywhere, eye contact, finished reading season 1 pause for an omergaverse cause, okay I’m back and season 2 starting STRONG #1 men are gross #2 mans just went right to a blowie while mf was trying to pee lmao i can NOT the germs barf, fuckboi extraordinaire stressing over a textback is *great*, that istg face is perfect, HYUNGGGG, hand on his heart OW MY HEART, vibe check LOL, here for this plot dev, END OF SEASON2 NOOOOOOOimnotready. Head bonks CUTE

The origin of species

Tags: ongoing, omegaverse, sex tape, blackmail, i already don’t like this teacher, size difference, ‘JUST DIE’ hahahahahaha, I’m in love with noona, wait Ahjussi means uncle/mister? Dangerous convenience store has a new meaning to me now, DECEASED @they won’t, copious amounts of cum, alcohol to have intimacy *sighs in early 20s*, also WTF THEY ARE FUCKING AND THERE’S NO PHERMONE STUFF! What’s the point of being ABO without smell *swaggy p meme???*, wait okay ch 11 it begins, stockholm syndrome but since childhood I’m fairly certain *looking at you teacher I don’t trust these mfs*, dubcon obviously, also the can’t be knotted thing has me *cardi b meme that’s weird that’s sus* obvs poor bb about to get preg af, five word horror story: I won’t hurt you again *why tf you lyinggggg why u always lyinggg meme*, white collar crime, what’s the point of a contract when there’s no actual choice

How to Chase an Alpha

Tags: ongoing, lowkey been avoiding this one not because I think it’ll be bad I just..idk the brain is a weird thing, page 2 and I love mains attitude fucking gagged sass me bb, starting with rough translation but it be that way sometimes, GROUNDS HIMSELF BY TOUCHING HIS BLACK CARD I CANTTT, pheromone city fuck it UP, MC is a MOOD, mutual pining, when u and bae both hire PI’s to get info on each other, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, shirt thing, fucking chuffed about the rival fucking bring it, funny art, cheated on ugh mah heart I saw it coming and it still hurt, pure comedy this airport scene is so funny to me wtf, LDR, good ol murica fuckboi, LOVE HIM RIDE FOR UR MAN/MORALS, liams a little rapey rapist hm? No one’s ever said no… well being flooded with pheromones isn’t consent my dude, istg liam = I love it when they struggle, obvs jealousy/possessive tag but such is ABO, cat suit, BUNNY suit, sexy costumes, god damn it I love them that proposal/mpreg so cute, imprinting AW, ugh baes fam is so cute I needed that bc I wanna strangle wooyoungs dad, THE SECETARY is my fucking fav never stops being A+, SEC+LIAM?? Here for it *i ship it*, FUCK SO CUTE 12/10 re-read, fluff n smut, excited for how to chase an omegaside story hyung needs love!, JINI is mood, sales king I’m dying, that collar is ~hot~ btw

Egoism

Tags: completed (because jesus I can’t with ongoing, theheartbreakTM), UPDATE FML THE HEART BREAK IS REAL also no smut, omegaverse, hey stepbro, starts with rape, possessive/jealousy (isn’t all ABO?), age difference (6years, alpha is younger *can I get hyung plz lord*), HYUNG, woof this dad SUCKS, child abuse, rape culture *sigh*, I wanna get jacked like rick and summer and beat tf out of the dad, me n my cat, TELL EM HONEY I love this MC, traitor indeed, beta x omega btw, fated pair, coercive sex, didi going to be his own demise, BREAKUP/TIME SKIP NO this is BL hell, the rona is mentioned in this, ALL I WANT IS TO HEAR YOUR STORY WAHHHHHHHHHH also YES MY SHIP IS GOING TO SAIL I CAN FEEL IT, okay honestly frustrating a bit but also liked it yah 7-8/10, won’t re-read unless I’m looking for hurt though cause the comfort is BRIEF

Yarichin bitch bu

Tags: ongoing, reading because I watched this anime after seeing it mentioned in the comment section of -im-being-harassed-by-the-sexiest-man-of-the-year, anime was 2 eps a fucking wild the way this is uploaded SUCKS, no reality porn what plot rape-y ridiculous and now I need to read the source apparently haha, I need to know much more about yuri and blue hair guy ASAP (they have the spin off*adds to list*), high school setting, smut, studentsxstudents/teachers, photography club my ass, sex toys, kinky, crossdressing, gay awakening, unrequited love, jealousy, fake relationship, two faced people, OCD, COMEDY, rich people problems, hoarder, inferiority complex, one bed, toono is a dumbass in this love triangle or denial might be a better word, they are cousins my dude stop shipping it (I say to both toono and myself LOL), I wanna see Yuri’s face laksdjf;aldskf, vibrator #18 line is fucking iconic, yaguchi is about to get real interesting (BPD?), lies/manipulation, oh toono you sweet summer child, YURI i can’t wit chu, wait did he just punch the student because he won’t kiss him or???, dubcon/noncon obvs, finally my verse couple but they’re not a couple (yuri/tamu), they all care about each other is a weird way awwww, love confessions to pet vibrator scene are ICONIC MY DUDES I CAN NOTTT, lowkey living for Yuri’s drooling at this point, Jimi gives me such bad second hand embarrassment, Yuri the switch verse bb I’ve been looking for need more!, internalized homophobia, blackmail, MIDDLE FINGER IN THE AIR YAS KING, the heartbreak of ongoing/hasn’t been updated in years

Yarichin bitch bu dj wa

Tags: not completed I think, years old though, see above you know what it is, so cute omg, FIRST KISS AW, degradation kink?, MY VERSE COUPLE I’ve finally found you, biting, choking, rough sex, sex toys, they had fun together for another two hours DECEASED

Fucked by my Best Friend

Tags: ongoing, friends to lovers, body swap, Porn what plot, cannon threesomes in past maybe??(MFF for sure but MMF??), beach life, revenge, he became a HOT woman so honestly get over it, sloppy seconds, first off you’re both sluts second lmao this is going to be wild hm?, fellas is it gay if you kiss the homies, classic did you cum guy jfc, that’s how you get preg dumbass, ah the joys of being a woman /s assault in der clrub, *DEEP SIGH* @ you almost being raped turns me on, YES TURNING BACK DYING, gender has nothing to do with this LOL but true. Also yes cannon threesomes/orgies, googles frotting, mans like narrating playtime, intecurial sex public sex, lingerie, this is the closest thing to straight manga I’ve read hahaha, THE SCIENCE OMG FUCKING RIDIC :you need a mass amount of semen within you SURE JAN, possessive. Objectification, she trying to fuck without Shion LMAO, 34+35, do you think he’s on r/nofap, dry orgasm honestly impressed with mans rn ngl, spit as lube, anal fingering, just helping the homies find their prostate, bottom shaming (disappointed but not surprised), bis/gays in denial smh, question if he has a wet dream will he turn into a woman?, shirt thing, lol at female orgasm =anal in switcharoos mind, paging doc perv, shion is enjoying dressing up hm? Same dude, biggest reality gap is believing shion got admitted to a college HAHA, bad anatomy all over the place dude, rui is a dedicated exhibitionist, HE SO TIGHT BECAUSE THERES NO LUBE team no lube over here apparently not even a courtesy spit, yandere territory sort of?, Mayu with the dick wet comment is *chefs kiss*, THE HEARTBREAK OF ONGOING WAHHH I can’t believe I read all this but I can? 8/10 problematic possessive porn

#yaoi #manga #enemies to lovers #friends to lovers #gay #lgbt #pornwhatplot #recs #book recs #manga recs #yaoi recs #ships #yandere #uke #seme

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urlocalnctstan · 3 years

Text

𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙻𝚎𝚏𝚝 𝚄𝚗𝚜𝚊𝚒𝚍 - 𝙹.𝚂𝙶

• Candy Hearts Collab - @127-mile

Prompt : “I came to say goodbye.”

Genre : Angst, Fluff, kinda Slow-burnish?, Slice of life, highschool + college AU

Pairing : Sungchan X Reader (Ft. Jeno)

Warning(s) : mentions of bullying and injury (like one scene only), unrequited love, mentions of slight anxiety, hormonal shifts, language, minor character death

Writing nets : @kdiarynet @k-dinernet @kpopscape @czennienet @neoturtles

Taglist : @eh-ovo-nctu

WC : 9.7k

Summary : What people hated the most is the very word ‘goodbye’. However, it’s the very word that becomes something that you yearn to hear from Sungchan for years.

→ Playlist [recommended]

The sound of the rain was supposed to calm you down, not make you even more anxious and sweaty and you sat with your legs firmly pressed against each other, hoping to fill in the lack of company you were feeling amongst the swarm of people who perhaps shared the same dreams, same aim as yours. Public places as trains, trams, bus stops; you always thought they portrayed as the perfect definition for the word ‘sonder.’ Each individual having a life pretty much as complex as yours — sometimes a little less or sometimes a little more. It fascinated you.

“Do you think the trip is worth it?” Lee Jeno, your best friend of quite a few years puffs his cheeks as he stared dubiously at the red and white poster he held. You took a peek at it, the amount of times Jeno had been pestering you if he should really give up the money he had saved for PS5 as a sacrifice for this trip, it was safe enough for you to say that you had every words printed on it memorized. Well, maybe not every words but the main stuff at least.

“Lee Jeno,” You sharply gawked at the male sitting beside you, earning an ugly grimace from him. “Stop it already. I don’t know about you but I ain’t passing this chance.”

“Wah, what a nice friend I got.” You failed to notice the dramatic eye roll he makes before shoving the poster in his backpack, the one he had been using since the first day you had befriended him. Was it 5 years? 6 years?

“Are we five years or six years?” But I met him on that bookstore down my neighborhood, that was like spring of 2017 and now it’s 2021.

The male let out a snort. “If I am a five year-old then you are definitely still inside the womb.” Even though he was smiling with that ‘innocent eye smile’ the evil smirk sheathed beneath went unnoticed by you. No sooner had he opened his mouth, a fresh harsh smack landed on his arms that were clad in a filmsy material of cotton and thus a silent yelp of pain escaping from him as he grabbed the area which was starting to sting with each passing second. The smack, albeit meant for him, you were unable to ignore the similar stinging pain in your palm, tears pricking in the corners of your eyes. But you made sure to show absolutely no signs of distress; it was somewhat a matter of childish pride for you.

“Change your career aim from a perfumist to an assassinator will you?” If it were the campus grounds, you two would have already been latched at one another throats; both metaphorically and literally.

“I will gladly not.” You huffed at the male whose eyes held a scornful gaze, now even more annoyed or perhaps, as you would think most of the times, he was just exaggerating. You found yourself mindlessly scrolling through your gallery in search of the recent notes from Mr. Kim’s classes. Until you stumble across something you had been long avoiding, a forlorn fragment from the former days of your high school.

“Here lies the proof of my utmost love and affection, always devoted to my only Y/N.”

It was a picture of you smiling way too bright, cheeks and nose flushed red while being squished by the only male in the frame as he pressed a peck against your cheek. His neck was craned to the side, ripe ears clearly visible in the small Polaroid film. As much as you hated to admit, your heart would still make flips and turns whenever you run into something that reminded you of him, your very first love and first heart break—Jung Sungchan.

Jeno was too busy in his dreamland as he dozed off with his head resting peacefully against your shoulder. It was no new news that the lad had been immensely in love with you ever since the first time you saved him from getting bullied back in 9th grade. However, you were always too busy with your academics and extra-curricular activities and thus clearly drawing a line of only being friends. Nothing else. It happened when Jeno had finally mustered up the courage after excelling in his Maths Olympiad, where he made a bet that if he indeed secures a place in the top 5, you have to abide by anything he wishes for. But he wished for your love, something you were not really capable of doing so; especially at that time. You did not have the heart to say no when Jeno jogged up to you, his eyes transforming into crescents as he smiled wide. “I did it!” His words came out rather breathy, possibly because of him running to you, and maybe because how hard he could feel his heart thump against his ribs when he noticed the proud grin on your face. Without wasting any moment further, Jeno lets go of the white banner of achievement he had been holding, his hands now focusing on yours. You could almost feel the slight tremble and the wetness of his sweaty palms, but before you could even say anything he beat to you by saying, “Go out on a date with me. Only one.”

There were numerous times when you felt guilty about turning down Jeno. At times it had you baffled that why a guy like him would ever bother liking you so much. Jeno was incredibly talented; gifted with unfair boon of genius traits in both academics and athletics. His little version of him always demeaned his abilities, often failing to notice that how much more he was rather than just a quiet kid who loved coding and maths. Maybe perhaps that was the very reason for him to face the bullying, at least that’s what you thought when you first noticed him getting cornered by some stupid idiot dipshits from your class during recess. Jeno’s ID card lay discarded on the ground, as Kihyun grabbed its owner by the collar. You could not understand his reason for not fighting back, and thus being a silent spectator was never your thing so you decided to butt in. As much as you equally hated and liked one thing, boys seemed to get kinda wary of your presence. Especially boys like these who were already in the blacklist of the teachers. It did not take them long to pick their asses and run from the site when you glared them with a threatening gaze, a single word from the class president and they would get suspended yet again for the umpteenth time in the year. You crouched down to Jeno’s level, carefully handing him his ID. You did not bother asking him if he was okay, of course he wasn’t. His face showed signs of previous injuries, the purple hues of bruises slightly fading beside his jaws. You still don’t know why but you felt the need to protect him from his solace, thus leading to this inseparable bond of yours.

But that was a version of him that was long forgotten. Jeno had become the star and face of the school in the last years of your highschool. Acing various quiz competitions, Olympiads, getting highest grades, being the captain of the soccer and basketball team; you were sure God really had His favorites.

You were not surprised when Jeno brought you to your usual favourite—candle shop. It was a hidden gem in your hometown, a small secluded shop located just a few miles away from the metropolitan. Not everyone was aware of its existence until that one day you decided to act rebellious for once in your school life. Of course dragging Jeno into this so called rebel act with you. The date was rather casual, just two friends messing around with wax and chemically named perfume essences. The shop was owned by a lady close to your grandma’s age, and it still makes you wonder how on earth was she able to keep up with the hollering you two were making. No matter how much you convinced yourself that maybe you could give the boy a chance, and perhaps feelings might grow on you later on; you could not make yourself cloud your rationality with the uncertain possibilities. You confessed every single thing that had been on your mind and Jeno just calmly listened to everything you uttered. You could clearly see the expression of hurt washing over his face, but he knew you. He knew that once you had made up your mind, there was no going back. The night did not cause any indifference in your friendship; it bloomed with each passing years of your middle school and then highschool. You two had become the infamous bestfriends, the once timid boy then all buff and handsome and the once spotlight lover girl then buried in her textbooks to pass the college entrance exams.

Throughout these years of teen, the candle shop had become a constant place for anything to you both; sadness, comfort or just enjoyable times. Until that one day when you met the grandson of the lady who owned the shop. Make a guess who it was.

When people spoke of their first heartbreak, you always cringed at how they exaggerated. Technically you never experienced one, so it seemed ridiculous to you that how was it possible to a simple break to cause others this much pain. You were shocked, no scratch that. Using fancy words, you were utterly bewildered when you saw the new transfer student—Jung Sungchan was the name, standing on the makeshift podium of your classroom. Thank God the architects decided to stick to keeping the height of the room above eight feet. You had changed drastically, contrasting your previous bubbly persona, you had become more reserved. It was just you being ambitious about something you had grown to like, and after some backstabs from your friends, you did not feel the need to have so many around you. Just Jeno being there for you was more than enough.

It would be a lie if Jeno did not sense the subtle looks you had been sending over to the new guy, but he was in no place to object you. It had only been a few moments of Sungchan’s arrival and Jeno already sensed his position in your life being threatened. He knew you were a saint who always looked out for others, and something about his presence made Jeno feel wary. Jeno did not need any of the privileges he had, all of it he owed to you after all. It was you who brought the best out of him, and in the end if he has them all but not you, it wasn’t clearly worth it to him. You preferred unpredictable things; it was what he learned about you in all your years of friendship. How you would always choose mystery thrillers over typical rom-coms, how you would always vouch for the new dish in the menu every time you both visited the local barbecue house. And he knew it was impossible to be one like that, it was just typical Taurus things (as he would like to blame) that made him too practical, too predictable for you. But, you never thought like that. It was just that even though you wanted to, you couldn’t make yourself grow romantic towards the boy you always shared your oreos and ramen with. He held a dear place in your heart and life.

Sungchan was immediately welcomed to the family, the girls already swooning over his good looks and amazing grades. Plus icing on the top, he was the half-brother of the infamous Jung Yoonoh, the heartthrob of the whole school, from juniors to seniors. While Jaehyun was the typical definition of being that one dude we always see in rom-coms who is loved and admired by all for his too humble personality and ethics, Sungchan on the other hand was more of a quiet one, often too shy properly open up his orginal self around new environment. Despite that, he was naturally amiable just like his brother, a trait that perhaps ran in the Jung household. Unlike Jaehyun who was presumably born with good brains, Sungchan was a hardworking one. Sungchan tried to settle down the queasy feeling he had been feeling ever since he moved back here, now that Jaehyun was always busy in Seoul with his medical degree someone had to look after their aging grandma. Sungchan was never really a part of any group, so leaving behind his school back in the city was not that painful for him. The atmosphere of the whole campus was pretty soothing; the bushes of neatly trimmed trees, big huge playground and the ochre shaded building. He liked all of it, and to top it all the uniform was really his style: solid crème and dark maroon combination.

When Sungchan stood awkwardly in the middle of the classroom, clearly clueless as to where he would be seating since all the seats were occupied, a soft voice called out his name rather eagerly. His eyes scanned for a while until he saw you; dark hair tied up neatly into a ponytail with a pencil in your hand as you waved him to notice the empty seat beside yours. Sungchan smiled at your sweet gesture, his out of place feeling now subsiding into the warmth of the possible blooming friendship.

“Hi there, I am Y/N.” You chirped, wiping your left hand before bringing it out for him to shake. Sungchan froze for a while before he realized what he was supposed to be doing. “Oh! And this is Jeno!” You turned slightly towards your best friend sitting just behind you with his famous eye smile.

“Hello, I am Jung Sungchan.” He returned the gesture shaking both your and Jeno’s hand. Whilst Jeno had the feeling of roughness and athleticism in his, your hands were warm and soft; it felt nice he thought. That was the first impression of yours to him: ball of sunshine. And your impression of him? Reserved and unpredictable; a combination that only meant chaos and imbalance.

Sungchan side-glanced at your fumbling state. Seating next to him you in the front row, you skimmed over your not so pleasant looking notes that you had scribbled anxiously in the prior night. Public speaking had never been a big deal for you once you get adjusted to the audience after going up on stage. However, it is the pre anxiety session that just always riles you up.

“You know,” Your head whipped a bit too fast to your liking at the voice belonging to the only male that sat beside you. “I’ll show you a trick. Here.” Sungchan proceeded to softly place your trembling hands on his, cautiousness apparent with every move he made. Even though you both had been seatmates for the last three months, you never found yourself involved in any sort of skinship with him; something that was really common for you and Jeno. The look of fluster was way too obvious when Sungchan softly rubbed various shapes on the back of your hand with his thumb, you were unsure if he was actually helping you ease from nervousness or just increasing it further. It had quite been a while since you had your hands caged in his, both of you completely unaware of the looks you had been getting from your senior teachers seated in the neighboring row. The moment was cut off when your name was announced from the stage by a senior, requesting your presence to commence your speech. Sungchan slowly lets go of your hands, mumbling a soft ‘best of luck!’ with his hands now fisted as an act of verbal encouragement. You eyes wandered around the crowd for a while before locating your best friend who sat miserably beside the homeroom teacher, really closing to dozing off before noticing your presence and copying Sungchan’s gestures.

The bus paused, Jeno still deep in his slumber despite the harsh jerk of the vehicle stopping in its tracks. You sighed, he must have probably been gaming the whole night with his roommate Donghyuck again. You nudged softly at first, the lack of response later than causing you to shake him vigorously by his toned arms that barely fit in your palms. Jeno instantly sprinted up with wide eyes before softly muttering a curse at your cruel way of waking him up.

“I was definitely right about you being a torturer in your previous life.”

“Sure you were. Get your ass off the bus now.”

You parted your ways with Jeno on the campus ground, him heading to his coding facult while you headed towards the chemistry club room. Apparently a newbie was supposed to come today from the US. It was odd you assumed since US had much better facilities for students majoring in chemistry. You glanced at your figure on your way to the room, wondering if the ripped jeans were a good choice as a first impression. You just disliked the idea of leaving off bad impressions, even if you are never going to meet the person again until your next life. Jaemin, another close friend of both you and Jeno smiled widely at your entrance, waving his hand as he pointed the seat next to him enthusiastically. Jaemin and you were basically clones of each other, the leos inside of you both shinig at its best whenever you two are together.

“I don’t understand why move back here from THE United States.” Jaemin dragged out the word, scoffing silently as he handed you a cup of iced Americano. You were about to sip before pausing. You could not have possibly risked your stomach again after that one fateful day when you tasted ‘his type’ of iced Americano. This dude legit gulped down eight espresso shots with a satisfied hum, horrified looks painted on your and Jeno’s features as you both just stared at him in utter shock.

“Please not the poisonous drink.” You eyed the male suspiciously, who scoffed at the nickname.

“Of couse not little baby.” Jaemin cooed with his lips puckered and an annoying high pitched voice, purposefully pinching your cheeks a bit harder than he usually does.

“You little moth-”

“Hello guys, I am Sungchan. Nice to meet you all.” Your heart dropped at the familiar tone of voice. He isn’t possibly back again after leaving without any traces, without a single goodbye, is he? You did not dare to look at his figure standing in front of the table, awkwardly shifting in your seat while Jaemin furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“Hello, Sungchan.” Sulli, your senior by 2 years and also the president of the club greeted him warmly. “I hope you like it here because adjusting to a new place might be hard at times. Oh, these are your classmates; Y/N and Jaemin.”

Sungchan immediately looked in your direction at the mention of your name, his eyes equally wide in surprise mirroring your previous reaction.

“Y/N?” He called out in a rather unsure tone, just like his movements the cautiousness was also present there. “It’s been……a while….”

“Yeah, indeed.” You had a visible change in demeanor, Jaemin finally grasping the tense situation before jogging up to the male.

“Hi there, I am Na Jaemin. You can call me Nana if you want.” Jaemin put his hand out as a formality, to which Sungchan politely complied. “There’s a seat there you can sit.” Jaemin was luckily wise enough to occupy the empty seat beside yours without knowing the turn of events. He motioned Sungchan towards the seat diagonal to you, sensing the discomfort in your posture he assumed it was best if Sungchan sat somewhat further.

Concentrating on the yearly planning for the club was harder with his presence; Sungchan unable to hide his obvious lingering gaze on you. Jaemin would cough every now and then, signaling the male to focus on the club president’s instructions instead of you. But as his usual self, Sungchan pretended to not notice the clear hints, continuing keep his eyes locked on yours. You were barely able to note down some important events, knowing that Jaemin certainly cannot be trusted with his short time memory. After that president bids her farewell to everyone present in the room, you take it as your cue to just flee as soon as possible from his reach.

“Y/N, wait!” Sungchan was quick to grab you just as you were about to exit by the door, the sudden halt in movement causing you to stumble back into his embrace awkwardly. You were definitely embarrassed, your back pressed against his chest in a weird manner as you straighten yourself again. You scrunched you nose to hide your embarrassment before asking him.

“What is it now Jung Sungchan?” You were not meaning to snap at him, but the bitter memories of the past seemed to get the best of you.

Sungchan slightly winced at your cold tone, but what else could have expected after all the pain he had caused you. “I…I do..I mean like I..”

“Sungchan, I have my classes. Gather up your thoughts and then talk.” With that you turned on your heels, not even bothering to take your bag that you left on the seat you were prior sitting. Jaemin observed the scene quietly, his minds finally connecting the dots. Jung Sungchan, the boy you would always cry about whenever you got drunk, the boy who left you with nothing but memories of him. Jaemin thought it was best to not let out his inner frustration towards the guy who was now standing motionless in his tracks, lost in his trance as he gaped towards the door you had just left. Jaemin passed by Sungchan without a word, instinctively grabbing your bag as he made his way to his next class.

Sungchan stood dumbfounded, numerous thoughts racing in his mind. Why did I have to be so foolish? He thought. How can I blame her when I was the one who broke the promise first?

Summer 2017

It was getting pretty boring for you at the library; usually some of the classmates bickering would give you some sort of silent company as you scribble down the notes. But for some unfound reason you seemed to be extremely distracted. You let out a long annoyed huffed, hands stretching in weird directions as you rested your head on the wooden table. It struck your mind there might be butts of nails pointed out and you didn’t want to get yourself a shot of tetanus, so you lazily glided your hands across the surface before returning back to your half laying position. It didn’t take long for you to zone out, mind running through various scenarios of university life, jobs and perhaps marriage? You blushed at the thought, just like any other teen you were also low-key always looking forward to your wedding.

“Are you asleep?” You shot up startled at the sudden voice, eyes immediately widening as you realized the owner. Sungchan had a smile with his lips pressed into a thin line, casually pulling out the empty seat beside yours as he made himself comfortable on it.

“Good to know you’re not. I need your help.” Sungchan wasted no time rummaging out a stack of sheets from his backpack, pressing them against the wood with a loud thump. You slightly winced at the loudness since the library was extra quiet today, the sound thus bouncing off more.

“You know if it’s literature, I suck at it.” Your mind took you back at that one time when you almost got yourself a C on the mentioned subject, chills running down at the memory.

“No, no.” Sungchan waved his hands softly chuckling. “It’s actually chemistry. Judging as a seatmate, I believe it’s your best sport.”

You happily nodded at the male, pleased that you get to help him with something that was under your specialty. Sungchan took a notice of your happy state, equally pleased that it was you that would be helping him.

“Tell me, what can I help you with.” You took the fat book from his hold, skimming over the contents page before highlighting the topics that were extremely important for the semester.

“I think hybridization? I just can’t seem to get how it works!” Sungchan’s voice levitated suddenly out of frustration, momentarily catching you off guard. Sungchan seemed to notice your amused look, shyly rubbing the nape of his neck with a little shrug.

“You know this is the first time I’ve seen you frustrated.” You commented, eyes fixated on the pages even though they were being extremely reluctant to rather focus on the fussy male. “It’s pretty easy you know. Look.” You explained him cautiously and slowly, how the overlapping of the orbitals occurred not realizing the proximity that seemed to lessen drastically. You whipped at his direction to see any signs of confusion, only to be met with a pair of dark orbs that stared at you intently. As embarrassing as it may sound, you gulped loudly. A bit too loud than you had intended to.

Sunghcan took notice of the situation you both blanketed in as a wave of déjà vu washed over him. He cleared his throat loud and awkward, half to lessen the embarrassment you were feeling and to poorly hide his own. You both were looking everywhere but each other, too dumb to maximize the close distance instead of acting like awkward cats.

“What are you both doing?” a deep male voice jerked you back to reality, upon turning you saw it belonged to Jeno. When did he come here?

“She was explaining the hybridization shits.” Sungchan huffed, slowly settling back to his orginal position. “I asked you so many times though…”

“You know chemistry is not my cup of tea.” Jeno shrugged at the male, a lazy smile playing on his face. “You wanna stay for b-ball practice today?”

“Not sure, I’ll see to it mate.” Sungchan did that fist-bump with Jeno, the two casually mingling like old friends as you stared idiotically at the scene unfolding in front of you.

“Since when did you both become Damon and Pythias?”

“Y/N, please not again your alien languages.” Jeno rolled his eyes before taking the seat beside, sandwiching you between both the males. “Since you happen to be tutoring a clown, an addition of another clown won’t do you any harm.” Jeno smiled at you, his doe eyes disappearing in the process.

Sungchan held back his snort, looking over both of you, he was happy. Though he was not as close to you as he had become to Jeno, he still considered you somewhat a close friend of his. Being seatmates with you and Jeno, it was inevitable that he soon became a constant in your life. Did I tell you that the candle shop was owned by his grandma? The shop if anything, had become this secret spot for you three. Study dates, random chills or just lazying around, the candle shop would be the first name that would pop up in your mind.

With a blink of an eye perhaps junior year passes. Maybe that was how last years of highschool were. At one moment you barely just got promoted to a new class, and at another, you’re yet again getting promoted to higher one. You sat under the dull moonlight, a thin cardigan that was gifted to you by your dearest friend’s grandma. When Sungchan invited you and Jeno at his, his grandma had knitted this cardigan for you and a beanie for Jeno. The gesture was so sweet that it completely melted your heart, she was the living definition of wholesome for you.

It was maybe that one day when you three decided to stroll the spring fair of your neighborhood, when you both finally came clean to your feelings. Jeno was always the one pointing you out that how you should just be a woman and confess. “It doesn’t always have to be the guy that says I LIKE YOU!” This what we he said before disappearing into the hives of crowds, leaving you waiting for Sungchan at the front of the public toilet he was finishing his business in. Pretty awkward right? Where else does anyone get to see a girl waiting for her crush in front of a public restroom. Sungchan came back outside, shuffling out his handphone before furrowing his brows at the text he just received. You immediately understood it was from Jeno. You had no idea what came over you, it felt like the adrenaline in your system decided to flood your nervous system, not even aware of yourself just launching at the dude with a chaste kiss on his lips. He was completely taken aback by the sudden feeling of your lips on his, it took him a while before responding you back with the same enthusiasm. You broke first from the kiss, not realising your fists crunching his prior perfectly ironed shirt. But he did not mind it all, a shy smile playing on both of your faces. The rest of the night was spent with your hands laced in his, just like another high school sweethearts of the time.

You smiled at the memory. Sungchan had a cigarette lit between the tips of his fingers, the tobacco smoke slowly poking your nose but not strong enough to bother you. With a deep sigh, he took a puff before blowing it own again in the air, a cloud of smog dancing around his figure.

“You should quit it, it’s not healthy.” It had already been a year since you became friends and six months since you became more than it, but there were times like this when you still found yourself nervous and wary whenever you are talking to him. You snuggled yourself into the cardigan, hugging yourself to minimize the tinges of frostbites. Sungchan was considerate of your discomfort, whenever he smoked, he made sure the cigarette was at least 2 feet away from you.

“Take this.” Sungchan handed you another thick layer of clothing from his bag, his initials “J.SG” written big and bold. Without much thought, you accepted his kindness, and Sungchan had high tolerance to cold anyways unlike you who would shiver to death in the most usual temperatures. You figured Sungchan decided to dodge the topic you brought it, and you figured it would be better to not bring it up for a while.

“Where do you plan on going for college.” Sungchan spoke while rubbing the shortened cigarette on the bricks of the roof, swallowing the remaining water from his bottle throwing a strawberry gum inside his mouth. You figured he was now free from the reek of tobacco as you scoot closer to his form, opening your arms within the jacket for his to snuggle in as well. Just like Jeno, skinship was no new news for you both too, however; it always had your heart racing like crazy. You both remained cozy under the warm embrace of the jacket, and you prayed Sungchan would never listen how your pulse was acting up.

“I don’t know. Perhaps SNU? I mean only if I get accepted...” You trailed off, propping your chin against your bent knees before glancing at the boy. Then it struck you, what made him ask this sudden question, what made him smoke three cigarettes straight despite having yearly break for a whole month. “Will you be going to the US as well?”

“I don’t know...” Sungchan deeply sighed, his lips forming a small pout as he indulged in deep thought. What if he actually happens to leave for America? Your heart clenched at the thought, mimicking his sighs you rested your head against his shoulder.

“You know,” You stared at the sky, it was dark and clear with no signs of stars. The feeling was unsettling. “Wherever you go, we’ll always be there for you.” Your eyes shifted to the illuminating lights from numerous buildings that replaced the absence of the twinkling stars in the sky. The ominous feeling soon dissipated into relief. It was as if the universe telling you, we just have to look out for the good sides instead of dwelling on the bad.

“I know.” Sungchan smiled, one that was both happy and sad. He rested his head on yours, joining your company of gazing at the scenery. “I know.”

“Just...” there was hesitation laced in your tone, Sungchan was quick to notice it as he looked at you, nodding for you to continue. “Please don’t leave...not without a goodbye. Promise me that.”

“I promise you.” Sungchan held your cold hands in his warmer ones, a firm assurance making your heart swell in both hurt and adoration as you kissed him again.

You both never really made it official, despite the kiss at the fair. It was perhaps the uncertainty that held you both back. Sungchan’s future was not in his hands but his family’s; just like his brother, he is supposed to make his family shine bright. It was one of the major reasons why his parents let both the brothers two years of freedom on their remaining bits of high school. ‘All parents want the best for their kids,’ that’s what you would always say to him whenever you meet him at his roof; him smoking while you offered his physical comfort.

The senior year passed within a whim, the fright of entering into adulthood descending upon all the students as they remained buried in their textbooks. Maybe it wasn’t the case for everyone, but it did apply to you and your friends. You remained occupied with you daily extra classes for chemistry while Sungchan had biology and Jeno had mathematics. You three would meet up in periodic breaks, catching up with small talks before returning back to your respective schedules. It was nothing but hectic, and soon, the candle shop returned back to being just another isolated shop in your hometown.

Graduation day was filled with smiles and congratulatory phrases from different individuals, throwing your grad caps in the air felt like as if you were throwing away a significant part of your life, ready to embrace a new version of you. All the parents stood their with proud grins, delighted at their children’s achievement to their dreams.

“Congratulations!” You chirped, receiving bone crushing hugs from both your males before an elderly voice called for you.

“Y/N! Jeno! Sungchan!” It was your mom, waving excitedly to grab you and the males’ attention. “Say cheese!”

“Cheese!” You all resonated together, happy and delighted.

A series of furious knocks jolted you awake from your sleep. You figured it might have been your younger brother, probably wanting your help in his homework.

“I swear to god Y/b/n!” You let out an ear piercing shout, groggily rubbing your eyes from deep slumber.

“It’s me. Jeno.” You heard how breathy his voice sounded, it was coated with urgency and hurt. You heart dropped but you prayed to the Heavens and God, you prayed that it should not be the very thing that you had been dreading so much. You shot up from your bed, not even bothering to make yourself look presentable before whipping the door open to meet with an equally dazed and riled Jeno.

“It’s Sungchan. He...” Jeno beathed out a deep sigh, before handing you a lilac envelope, the initials J.SG written in bold. You failed to feel the tears pooling up, threatening to fall anytime. Jeno glanced over you sympathetically, with shaky trembling hands, you took the the paper.

You don’t bother to closer the door, Jeno soon taking his leave as he thought it would be best to give you some space to absorb it all in. The tears had started to stream uncontrollably when you saw the picture that came with the letter. It was one of the many pictures that you took on the night of the fair; the day you had confessed, the you had your first kiss. It was a polaroid of you holding him lovingly in an embrace, him shyly placing a kiss on your cheeks with the words ‘Here lies the proof of my utmost love and affection, always devoted to my only Y/N’ scribbled on the white frame. Your hands fished for your cellphone, frantically dialing his number as you waited for him to pick up, hoping that he’ll soothe your anxiety by saying he did not leave, that he was still in town and you were just being delusional.

But every time you dialed his contact, you were being forwarded to the monotonous tone saying that the number was currently unreachable. Your chest squeezed in pain, he had promised you. He promised you that he will come for a goodbye at least. He had promised you that he would never leave you clueless and hurting. All you ever asked for him, was just a goodbye; perhaps a source assurance for you to wait for his return.

You wiped the tears with the edge of your sleeves, opening the the piece of folded paper.

‘Dear lovely Y/N,

You might resent me when you receive this letter, and I certainly don’t blame you for that. I am not the best with words, I am clumsy and unexpressive but I hope that this piece of scribblings makes you understand all my feelings, my thoughts and emotions that have been haunting me from the day I first saw you.

You know I that I am very much aware that I do....hold some handsome genes.’ You couldn’t help but snicker at this.

‘However, unlike all, as typical as it may sound, you stood out. You lazily laid sprawling across your desk in deep slumber, completely unaware of the chaos of classroom. I wish I was that carefree like you, indulged in her own world and comfort bubble. It attracted me a lot.’ You got up from the floor, eyes still glued to the piece of paper as you shut your door locked. Your hands still went to dial his contact, but only to be forwarded to that damned robotic voice.

‘I wanted to be like you, not bothered by the constant pressures of coming from a prestigious family. Did I ever tell you my dad is the Director of Myeongsu Hospital?’ You gasped at the sudden information. His dad was the director of the one of the most prestigious and renowned hospitals of South Korea. It was too overwhelming for you to process, but you still found yourself continuing.

‘It was inevitable for me to act like just another teenager, not for me but for my brother too. I always blamed him for being so selfish when he just left me alone when he came to grandma, I failed to realize that it was some sort of comfort gift from our parents so that we’ll devote ourselves to build the family’s name for the rest of our lives.

Even though I wanna blame them, I don’t think I can because they had the same fate. It comes with a price when you’re born with a silver spoon, and I guess I had to pay mine when I left your doorstep last night. I...I was a coward. I know I should have just come up, hug you and kiss you for the last time. But I just couldn’t. I was too scared.

I was scared that the moment I’ll see you, my guards will crash down. These two days were really hectic for me, I made up excuses when you invited me at yours because I was afraid of losing my balance. I knew that only a glance at you would be enough to make me change my mind and revolt against my parents, my fate. And you have no idea how much I wanted to do so, you have no idea how I’ve spent endless of sleepless night where it is the only thing that would run on my mind. But you tell me, would it be really worth it? I did not want you spending the rest of your lives with swarming paps and reporters, publishing reports and articles of how you managed to tarnish the heir-in-line of the prestigious hospital. No I could never do to that someone I love so dearly. I could never in a thousand years do that.

You know every time I picture you in your grown-up self, I can only see a strong and confident woman thriving in her career, a woman that is so powerful but still has a heart of gold. I know that you’ll be an amazing person, inside and out. I wasn’t really planning to express my love and admiration for you like this, I hoped to do it in person, but perhaps, maybe that’s how the stars planned it out for us. Fate is extra cruel in my case don’t you think?

It would be extremely selfish of me to ask you to wait; I am not even sure if I would ever return because my father would be opening another branch in US. And well, I am not sure what plans he has for me.

So please, if you ever find it in your heart, I hope you will forgive me. And even if you don’t, please don’t ever feel guilty about it. You have all the right to do so and I most certainly deserve your hatred. I love you so much, Y/N. You’re my first kiss, my first love, and you’ll always hold this irreplaceable place in my heart.

With Love,

Jung Sungchan.

You felt your world crashing down, a part of you wished that this letter never ended. The only remain from him had also come to an end, and you were not sure how you would be able to cope with his absence for the next years of your life.

Present

“Sungchan is back?” Jeno widened his eyes in shock, the information seemingly unbelievable to him. “He really is?”

“Yes.” You monotonously replied, numerous thoughts battling at the back of your head. Jaemin cleared his throat, a sign for Jeno to not bring up the topic for a while. Jeno eyed the male in confusion before finally getting the hint.

“You’re lucky you don’t get to have Mr.Suh’s classes, he’s just hot and it’s frustrating. And that’s coming from a straight dude like me.” Jeno slurped on his smoothie loud and sound, probably to annoy the other male as he was well aware his distaste to people making sounds while eating.

“Y/N.” a voiced called out from behind, and you instantly knew who it belonged to.

“Sungchan. Oh my god!” Jeno shot up from his seat, immediately embracing the old face from his past. “How have you been man? You just disappeared...”

“I am so sorry.” Sungchan looked at Jeno with pleading eyes. “I know I have absolutely no excuse for my act and I am just so sorry, Jeno and Y/N.” Sungchan looked at Jeno who silently urged him to talk to you.

“Y/N, please talk to me. I don’t expect your forgiveness but please. Atleast curse me, hit me just do anything. Please.”

You whipped your head to find Sungchan crouching down to match your seat level, a sigh escaping from you as you stood straight from your seat.

“Guys, I’ll be back.” You gripped his hands before dragging him alongside the canteen corridor.

Jaemin looked over his friend who stood staring at the way you just took. And expressionless look was painted on his features, causing Jaemin to shake his head and sigh. “You know man,” Jeno changed his attention to the male speaking, fixing his glasses. “If I were you, I would have just held her back. You’re extremely strong, I could have never done that.” With that Jaemin patted his friend’s back, a silent assurance that if he needed a shoulder to cry or to simply lean on for comfort, he’ll be there for him.

A mixture of feelings were erupting inside you, you were furious but happy. Sad but grateful. You scanned the halls for signs of any empty classroom and upon finding one you just shoved the male inside it.

“What’s so funny about messing with my feelings?” You already tears welling up, your vision blurry as you sharply glance at the male with a frown on his face.

“Y/N, I would nev-”

“You left me,” you utterly hated at how pathetic you sounded at the moment, harshly wiping the tears streaming down your cheeks. “You promised me that you won’t leave without showing up one last time, but you did. You fucking did.” You knew it was not something under his control, but you couldn’t help but pour your bottled feelings.

“Please...Y/N...listen..to me...Please..” Sungchan lost his composure, his voice breaking as he stepped closer to you. Seeing how you did not flinch at his approach, Sungchan captivated you in his embrace, something that he had been yearning for ever since he parted ways. You felt the wetness of his tears on your head, melting in his longing embrace you found yourself hugging him back. You missed him so much, his scent, warmth, presence. Everything about him drove you crazy, you were still dazed to believe if he was actually back for real or is it just one of your numerous daydreams.

The rest of the days went as usual, but only with the addition of Sungchan back again in your life. Although you had long forgiven him in his heart, you decided to not vocal it out. As heartless as it may sound, you wanted him to make up for the pain he caused you, and he indeed did. Jaemin was skeptical in the beginning at the idea of another person joining you small group, he had come to liking the idea of you guys as trio and was more comfortable like that. But he saw how your eyes lit up every time you about him when you were newly friends with Jaemin, how Jeno would always drunk talk about the times they passed as seatmates bothering the hell out of you. So Jaemin broke his exterior cold composure on the fourth day, finally accepting the banana milk from the new male as a form of bribe for his addition to the group.

Sungchan worked harder than deities; always making sure to get you Americanos before your classes, taking extra notes for you whenever you felt sick, tolerating your extremely drunk self and even dropping you back at your dorms safely. He had mentioned how he finally mustered up the courage to stand up against his fathers, that he wanted to do something else rather than working in the medical field. Even though he had still yet to decided his desired career, Sungchan decided to just follow his intuitions which ended up him taking chemistry as his major and thus landing in the same institution and same class as yours. And not to mention, he was beyond grateful for it.

A month had passed with his arrival, the awkwardness amongst everyone long gone and forgotten. It was as if he never left you. You were never over him, so his all time sweet gestures was making it harder for you to maintain your cold act.

“I happened to attempt making kimbap? But I am not sure if they are edible..” Sungchan trailed off as he hesitantly hands you the small metal box. You almost laughed at how cute but messy they looked, his failed attempt at giving the rolls eyes and lips with sesame seeds and ketchup was beyond adorable. You took the box from his grasp, a smile playing on your face as you looked at him. Sungchan upon noticing your grin, rubbed the nap of his neck shyly, his ears and cheeks mirror the shade the of the ketchup. You took a bite from one of the many rolls he made, a hum of satisfaction escaping your lips as you relished the tangy sweet taste. It was perfect, just how you preferred it.

“It’s pretty good.” You licked the stain of ketchup from your fingers, failing to notice how the male blushed harder at your subtle act. “We have Mr.Lee’s class, so I believe we should hurry up before it’s too late.”

On the night of the annual university carnival, Sungchan confessed to you. At least not in front of a public washroom this time. With the constant aid of Jeno and Jaemin, Sungchan was able to plan out a pretty dramatic confession for you. You were completely surprised when Jaemin called you out of nowhere, frantically asking for your presence to a specific classroom. You feared if the dork had committed some sort of treason explaining how dramatic he sounded, so you rushed without giving any second thoughts. However, when you saw the trail of roses with candles adorning the edges, you froze. It had the same scent both you and Sungchan had invented; the sweet scent of lily with tinges of tangerine to it.

A flustered looking Sungchan steps out from the dark, his hands rest behind his back as you cautiously scanned your face. When he saw no signs of discomfort, Sungchan slowly jogged to where you stood, his hands holding a bouquet of lilies with a small note on top of it.

“I know I have made tons of mistakes, hurt you so many times. But I still want to test my luck.” Sungchan got down on his knees, holding the bouquet with his head hanging low. “Y/L/N, will you allow me to be your man? Will you be my girlfriend?”

A shit eating grin spread on your face, slightly giggling at how adorable he looked. “I thought you’d never ask.” You took the flowers, a soft smile adorning your lips as you lock eyes with an extremely surprised Sungchan. “Of course Sungchan.”

“Of course? For real?” Sungchan couldn’t believe what just happened, he was half expecting you to flat out reject him at how inconsiderate he had been. But you accepted his apology, accepted his love. Sungchan stood up, his heart squeezing in delight and adoration for you. He cupped your face gently, as if you were a porcelain doll that would just break if not handled carefully. You saw how his eyes shone with love, sparkling brightly on the soft light from the lighted candles and you swore you never felt so much before for anyone else as much as you felt for him. Sungchan closed the proximity, his nose slight touching yours as he rested his forehead against yours, the smiling never for once leaving his face.

The tension was building up with each passing second, the sounds of your heavy breathing being the only silence breaker. You got impatient, the feeling of his lush lips got you being greedy as you closed the distance standing on your tip-toes, momentarily catching him off the grid before receiving the same attention back. You gripped on his shirt, too unbothered to break the kiss despite losing your breath. He paused for a moment, panting before pulling you back under his spell. The bottled feelings and emotions of longing and pining for each other were poured into the this sweet shared moment of yours. You were grateful that the whole building had no signs of any lurking students and professors, what was supposed to be a innocent make-up kiss soon transformed into a heated one as he held you by your waist, pinning you against the wall with his lips still attached to yours.

You pulled back for the heavy make-out session, almost earning a whine from the male before you soothed him with you words that came next. “I love you.”

Sungchan felt his already beating heart pick up its pace, becoming hastier that he was low-key afraid if he might face a stroke anytime. With a loving grin, he looked back at you who was still caged in his arms. He tucked the stray of hair brushing across the sides of your face from the soft breeze entering the windows, the illuminating yellow hues from the candles making you look like a dream. A dream that seemed unattainable to him until this very moment.

“I love you so so much. Thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance to prove myself, to allow me to show you my feelings, Y/N.” He was breathless, he felt so many emotions at that moment when you glanced at him loving. He was afraid his pulse might stop any moment, so he kissed you back, but now filled with passion and desire. And let’s just say, one of your fantasies were fulfilled that night.

The news of his grandma passing away came after a few months when you both had officially started dating. Both the Jungs were extremely close to her, so when Jaehyun took her back to Myeongsu Hospital where he was currently the chief of neurology, her condition was inevitable. Jaehyun hoped that maybe she might get to spend more time on earth under his care, but he too was victim in the cruel hands of destiny. Sungchan rushed to your dorm, bloodshot eyes as he told you the news. You found yourself sobbing alongside him, tenderly keeping him embraced in your warmth as you shared his pain. You knew her personally as well, all the moments spent with her were a profound favorite part of teen years.

“I wanted to meet you before I leave for Seoul. I came to say a goodbye.” Sungchan sniffed, his hands wiping away the streams of water rolling down your face. You smiled at his concern, mimicking his actions you brushed his sweaty bangs away from his forehead before placing a soft peck against it.

“It’s okay. Don’t tell me goodbyes anymore...for I know you’ll always come back to me.”

Epilogue

Sungchan fumbled with his tie nervously, bile reaching up his throat as the worst scenarios flooded his brains. His eyes frantically looked around for help, making a bow-tie was just not his cup of his. A breath of relief escapes his lips when his eyes landed on his closest beloved friend Jeno. Jeno stood leaning against the door frame, an amused grin painting his sharp features as he walked to the struggling male.

“Bro...” Sungchan huffed pleadingly, a pout forming his eyes.

“Yes bro.” Jeno flashed him an eye roll, before having the same eye smile again as he fixed his friend’s tie. After all, it was a big event for him.

To say the least, you looked breathtaking in your white laced gown. The simplicity of the dress made you look more elegant, it enhanced your natural beauty and Sungchan couldn’t just tear his eyes away from your form. It was supposed to be the bride’s day, but to him you shone the brightest.

“You know it’s me getting married, but the new comers might assume it’s you considering how you are gaping at y/n shamelessly.” Jaehyun hissed to his best man, earning a scoff from Sungchan.

“Hyung, let me have my moment! Please.” Sungchan whined but was careful to tone it down, only to receive a slight nudge from the groom who chuckled at his antics.

The wedding was glamorous, elegant, anything that could be named as a dream wedding. Sungchan remained glued beside you the whole night, a proud grin on his face every time he was asked about the lady whose arms laid locked with his. With a smug look, he would rub on their faces that you were his girlfriend, especially exaggerating to the males who seemed to had their eyes on you. You both enjoyed the silent company of each other, the soothing sounds of the wind replacing the absence of music as Sungchan drove you back to your place, hands still intertwined. When he came in front of your shared apartment, he fidgeted in his seat nervously; fishing out something from his coat.

You figured it was another one of his endless gifts, so you just smiled with your back resting against the cushion seat of the car.

“Sungchan, you really need to-”

A throat seering stopped you in the midst of speaking, your eyes widening when you realized what the purple velvet box might contain. Sungchan let out breaths of nervousness, blowing out some air out of his lungs to lessen the feeling of anxiety as he looked at you, eyes as genuine as ever.

“Y/N, I don’t believe in fancy proposals as you know. It is an intimate moment for us so I want it to happen in the presence of only us.” Sungchan stuttered in the middle as he opened the box, revealing an extremely gorgeous but simple plated band with a small stone adorning the top perfectly.

“So will you marry me?”

You stared at the male dumbfounded. Your eyes refused to believe the scene in front of you, hearts doing numerous flips and turns and it was just hard to explain all the feelings you were feeling. Sungchan had always been the one for you, and even though not everyone gets to have a happy ending with their first love, you were beyond grateful that you had happened to fall in the rare probability.

“I...OF COURSE. OF COURSE I WILL.” You yelped in delight, shoving your hand in front of his face as he just laughed while placing the ring on your finger. It fit perfectly. You grabbed him by the collar and kissed him with your overpowering passion and love, not realizing how if continued any longer, you guys might have to pay a fine for parking on the wrong side. So without wasting any time further, you both hauled yourselves to your apartment, refusing to break the contact of your lips molded perfectly together on your way. In short, let’s just say ‘sweet innocent kiss transformed into a heated one’ yet again.

I went completely overboard with this. I am so sorry if it didn’t turn up as you had expected it to, and honestly I am not completely pleased with it either. I felt like it could’ve been better in terms of expressing emotions. However, improvement is a never ending proccess and im still learning. SO TO WHOEVER WHO HAPPENED TO MAKE THIS TILL HERE. I LOVE YOU SODIJMS YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME.

Feedbacks and criticisms are always appreciated! Please care to leave them as it may help me potentially grow as a writer. Thank you for sparing your time to read my piece of work.

with love,

Hana.

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