#It kept my attention quite well! It still holds up decently

[sungvrhee]

Rile Me Up ; Lee Heeseung

Genre; Explicit | Heeseung x Female!reader word count; 6.1k

note: It's my first time writing an explicit content, I don't really know how it turned out😭. This took a slight turn ISTG TT.

dedicated to my bestie @heelvsted HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE!

It hasn't been long since you both were tied to the knots of marriage and Heeseung was typically an introverted and a reserved person; always letting pass the situations that could have led to any sort of argument. You couldn’t remember even if you guys had any sort of argument or if Heeseung had ever lost his temper. He usually remained calm and poise which just made you even more curious of his intimidating nature that you heard from his friends but never got to see. There was merely, according to Beomgyu, his very close mate, a chance to aggravate that side of him, which was quite upsetting to you as you were like an open book to your man as she could easily read through the slightest expressions worn upon your face, whilst you here were still not exposed to the different natures he possessed.

But one thing that Heeseung’s sister slipped to you was how he would easily get jealous over the people he loved. “What do you mean by him getting jealous over you guys?” You remember the conversation that you had over the tea as Lee Iseul spoke, “Like a typical man, Heeseung gets jealous when he gets undivided attention, or the lack of interest when he is out conversing with the former person. And since you’re his woman, I bet this trait of his would be much more polished than before.” She spoke while nudging onto your shoulder. It was amusing how you and Iseul had grown closer after your marriage and that now you both were like each other’s ride or die; whether it be lending ears to each other’s rant or taking relationship advice, it was always the both of you slipping in each other’s direct messages. 

“Oh you’re totally going to the party on the weekend Y/n. Come on! Don’t be a party pooper.” Iseul whined, not liking how introverted you had grown due to the sudden change in your ‘MBTI,’ as you labeled it. She didn’t buy it as an excuse from your end as she dragged you back to your room. “Now this is what I call a ‘gathering to gossip girl’ outfit. And your gaze went to what she was holding; a sleek, all black dress. “Oh I won’t buy the simplicity of the dress cause you’re wearing it exactly the way I want.” You heard Iseul speak as she pointed a finger at you whilst you tried to fight back, letting a sigh escape your lips. “But Iseul, you know Heeseung hates such attire.” Iseul made her way towards your jewelry, as she found a matching choker to compliment the pair of dangling earrings and a 3 inch heel. “Oh come on, when did you exactly wear any outfit like that in front of my brother?” You opened your mouth to speak a few words but closed them back as you pressed your lips in a thin line. ‘Right, when did I actually ever wear an outfit like that in front of him.’ “You’re married to him, Y/n. Not kept as a captive that you can’t wear what you want.” It was extremely new coming from her end but you did agree to what she said. You wanted to try it for once and she gave you the slightest hunch of courage. “Besides, who knows what would awaken in Mr.Lee for the day after you dress like a three course meal.” You turned at her comment, feeling your cheeks burning just at the mere thought of it. “ISEUL!” You spoke, hiding your face in your hands as she laughed at your reaction. “You both are a freaking match made in heaven.” And she knew exactly what she meant.

“Iseul, I don’t know if I look decent enough-” You got cut off by Iseul, “You look absolutely gorgeous darling. What a riveting sight for my brother. How did he dare not to acknowledge such beauty?” Your cheeks flushed at her words. Well, it wasn’t that you weren’t used to compliments, but the mere mention of your husband just made it hard for you to accept as a lump formed in your throat. He never exactly spoke it out in words, or maybe you were just a little bad at picking up on hints. You were a little expressive and quite shy type at the same time while he reflected a strange cold demeanor; keeping the conversations to a minimum, not at all a party person, letting his soft smile elicit when he was surrounded by his friends, family, including you. 

You took one glance at the mirror as you heard the honking of the car, catching both of yours attention as Iseul speaks. “I'll get it.” You nodded as you followed her a little later after you heard slight giggles of the Lee siblings. “Nah it’s always you who takes the most time to dress up!” You heard Heeseung speak as you made your way out of the room, your heels clicking as they caught the attention of the both of them, leaving Heeseung awestruck at the breathless beauty that stood in front of him, the thin layer of blush lightening up with the natural one as you broke apart the eye contact with him. “Come on love birds, you both can have a staring contest later.” You heard Iseul speak as Heeseung scratched his nape. “After you ladies.” 

Reaching the destination felt like a gust of wind as you had almost started to drown in the starry night above your head but it all came to a halt when the car came to rest. Iseul made her way out first as she went to greet her friends as you made your way out of the car, taking a minute to adjust your hair as you felt Heeseung snaking his hand around your waist, making you hault your movements for a bit as you turned to face him, only to find him looking up at you already. His blueberry hair complimented the shades of moonlight as he had that soft smile on his face. “Are we good to go?” You took a quick glance down your dress as you nodded, interlocking your hands with his.

“Y/n! Over here!” You both made way towards the center of the whole but your attention was averted when you heard your name being called out. You turned around as your mouth parted due to the amusement. “Jay! Oh my god!” You made your way towards your cousin, more like your half brother as you left Heeseung behind, letting alone the man confused at what caught your eye. He followed your fading steps, only to be met by slight giggles eliciting from your ends as he raised his eyebrows in perplexity. 

“Y/n! My god you changed within a few years. Thank god, otherwise you were so unbearable.” Jay joked, making a face of disgust as you slapped his arm, earning a chuckle from his end. “At least better than you, cousin.” He had his mouth agape dramatically as he spoke. “Oh, you didn't just cousin-zoned me did you?” He had his arm wrapped around your shoulder as he spoke, earning an eye roll from you. Why of course he was your cousin, not until his father and your mother got married after your father passed away, so now you both were practically step siblings. But the thing that kept the boundaries straight was that you both had platonic love for each other. Whilst you both were the single child of your families, you both helped to fill the void of having a sibling to each other. He never turned down any of your childish requests and so didn’t you. But it was about time that after he turned 19, he got a scholarship acceptance to the States and had moved there, applying for the better opportunities to continue his studies and later planned and accomplished on setting his own firm. It was later the following year that you had applied for an online remote job which ended up being from his very own firm. And that is how you both were able to connect back after ages. 

Before you had the chance to answer him, you felt a hand softly pulling you away from his embrace as you looked up to find Heeseung, completely void of any sort of cheerful expression. That facade of bliss and joy that he had on his charming face a few minutes ago vanished into thin air. "Hi I assume you're, Mr.Park? The one Y/n talks about the most." You hear Heeseung speak, getting the slight hint of sarcasm dropping down his words as he makes eye contact with you, wearing that facade of an adoring smile on his face, proving that he was, indeed, amused to have met him. You mentally scoff at his actions but you're slightly pleased at finding something that could rile him up. You heard Jay softly chuckling as he was embarrassed at Heeseung's words, yet he nodded, extending a handshake to him as Heeseung returned it politely. It was sure that he didn't have beefs with him for the start but they could turn into one if the conversation made a U-turn.

"I'm delighted to know that I'm familiar to someone as respectable as you Mr.Lee. It's an honor to have her in our company. The walls of this firm are built with the chunks of effort she has put in for the past years." The sincerity of his words had your eyes sparkled with delight, accompanying the warmth that was filled in your heart for him. It was always these small gestures that made you feel like home whenever you were with Jay. And the way he was addressing Heeseung so formally almost had you holding back your laughter.

"Thank you Jay, or should I say, Mr.Park?" You spoke with a slight grin as Jay laughed at your words, slightly embarrassed on how casual he was being with you in front of your husband. “Anything for you cousin sister.” He turned to face Heeseung who had a slight smile on his face as he addressed a handshake to him, to which he gladly returned. “It was an honor meeting you Mr.Lee. I’m glad that Y/n is in good hands.” Jay let a small smile linger on his lips as the older returned it with a warm one. Guess the interaction wasn’t that bad afterall. The younger’s phone rang as he fished his phone out of his pocket, excusing himself from the conversation, leaving the two of you facing each other. The loud music that rang in your ears slowly faded upon the sight of your man right in front of you. It was confirmed that you were a swoon for him, but it just wasn’t the time to let it be evident to him. 

You heard the latter letting out a soft chuckle as he tugged one of his hands in his pocket whilst the other made way around your waist pulling you closer as his actions left you flustered. You surely didn’t know what got this new side of him out all of a sudden but all your thoughts were shattered as you heard his breath lingering on your ears, with a soft whisper melting through your ears. "That smile was supposed to be exclusively for me Mrs.Lee. I presume you forgot your dear promise." He pulled back slightly as he tucked a loose hair strand behind your ear, taking your breath away just by a single gesture as you held onto your racing heartbeats, facing flushing to a deeper shade of red. “I met him after a long time.” You spoke softly, letting your hand reach his shoulder in a delicate grip as you tugged your lips in a thin line. Surely it was evident how you had kept yourself from practically getting into a playful fight with Jay because you were in a formal gathering, but something about Heeseung’s sudden shift in moods didn’t go unnoticed by you. Just as Heeseung was about to say something, you heard Iseul speak, “Oh get a room you lovebirds. Singles would not like you to experience a whole showcase.” You turned to face her, eyes widened at her words as she shrugged her shoulders. With that Heeseung let loose his embrace as you awkwardly fixed your hair, feeling slightly embarrassed at the attention that Iseul had gathered on the both of you.

“Girl what was that?” Iseul dragged you in a far corner as Heeseung interacted with his ‘elite 01’s’ as they cheered for the newly wedded couple. “What?” You questioned her, seeming confused at how everything was turning a little different than before, but was it worth to be questioned or to be just experienced? “Did you not see how my brother was all riled up when you met Jay?” You pondered over his words, remembering how he was sly enough to pull you close to him as to which you spoke, “Yeah he was actually indifferent as if he didn’t know who Jay was? Like Jay is one of the most important family members to me and I might have spoken about him a dozen of times-""Well, maybe this is why he felt all jealous, girl, don’t you get it?” you got cut off by Iseul as she raised her eyebrows. You were about to speak but paused midway, taking note of what she said. And then it clicked you. “No way, he was jealous? Of Jay?” You kept a hand on your mouth, slightly shocked at the new discovery as you whispered to her, to which she acknowledged. “No way.” You kept your face in your hands, not letting this opportunity slip by. “Now that you scratched it out…” Iseul had a mischievous smile on her face, as to which you nodded sideways. “You’re not doing anything stupid are you?” You said, as to which she disagreed. “No no, absolutely not my dear sister-in-law.” And now that she said that, you knew something was up in her mind.

The ride back home was nothing but silence; Iseul decided to stay a bit longer with her friends as to which neither of you minded, and Jay, well he wasn’t quite seen around after that last encounter before you guys headed. You could see how Heeseung had his gaze traveling to Jay as hugged you by the side, ruffling your hair as to which you were taken by surprise, a soft chuckle leaving your lips. “Let’s meet again soon, both of you.” Jay spoke as he embraced the elder in a warm hug, as to which he reciprocated the energy. “We will surely. It was nice meeting you.” Heeseung spoke, as you nodded, bidding him farewell as you both took the ride back home. Neither of you had an exchange of words as Heeseung drove whilst you stared outside at the starry night. Nothing seemed to have changed; not a single star as it felt like it was exactly the same moment that you were reliving for the moment. You almost felt like dozing off to sleep as the light brushed of the wind was reliving, until you felt a message pop up on your phone, gaining your attention as you went to receive it, only to find Iseul dropping one of the longest texts that you had ever seen, letting you eyes widen as it didn’t fail to catch Heeseung’s attention.

“What was with Jay, or should I say, Mr.Park.” Heeseung spoke, taking off his coat as you had your eyes fixed on the phone. Not hearing a reply from your end he turned to face you, only to find you engrossed into texting as he poked his inner cheek. You were testing his patience for the day and he was at the edge of losing it. He waited for a few more seconds until you responded. “Well, what about him?” You spoke, looking up to him only to be slightly taken aback by the way he had his one hand in his pocket and the other holding his coat. ‘Oh he looks so fine.’ You didn’t want to make it evident that you were drooling over him so you turned your attention back to your phone. “The mere amount of closeness between the two of you was uncomfortable to me.” Well one thing you appreciated about him was that he was outspoken; he would always let the former person know if any of his or her acts was bothering him in any way.

“Well, it has always been this way Hee, don’t make a big deal about it.” Oh now that you said it, you could feel his gaze practically pinning down on you as you continued to use your phone, letting it slip aside that what you just spoke was nowhere close to how you usually speak to him. 

‘Gosh Iseul I swear I'm going to kill you with my very own hands.’ You thought to yourself, mentally cursing her for making you do this. “‘Will you keep that phone down for a mere second Y/n?” He spoke, throwing his coat on the couch as he turned to face you, pissed  off at how you had your undivided attention on him. “Mhm I am listening to you Hee-” You got cut off by him as he took pacing steps towards you, grasping your attention as he swiftly took your phone away, leaving you startled as you stood up in front of him. “Hee, give it back.” You reached out for the phone as he moved back, sneaking through what you were doing as you noticed a small smirk appearing on his face, as to which you took a step back, heels clicking the floor. He lifted his gaze from the phone as he locked contact with you, turning to face you completely. “So Mrs.lee certainly wanted me to expose a hidden side of mine?” He let out a husky chuckle, not failing to awaken butterflies in your stomach as you spoke, “No, it was just a literary device that Iseul used.” Well that was one pathetic excuse but you prayed it was enough to convince him that this was not what you intended. 

“He let out another chuckle at your words as his free hand went to undo his tie, tensing up the atmosphere all of a sudden as a lump formed in your throat. He tossed the phone down on the couch as your gaze went to it, getting distracted as you failed to notice how he was now standing only a few inches close to you as you moved back a bit, causing him to take one step forth; one step backwards, two steps forward. That is how it was following, only the clicking of the heels of yours and his shoes echoing in the cozy lounge as your back eventually hit the wall, letting your eyes slightly widen as you wished to be fast enough to move to the side, failing miserably as he kept his hands on either side of you, trapping you in between as your gaze went up to look through his mischievous one. ‘This was not what I was expecting.’ Your thoughts were interrupted when you felt him leaning towards your ear, slipping another sentence for the day that almost made you weak on your knees.

“I'm giving you 20 seconds to run, Y/n. Only 20. If I catch you, I’ll fuck you.”

__________________________________________________________

“I'm giving you 20 seconds to run, Y/n. Only 20. If I catch you, I’ll fuck you.” A husky chuckle left his lips as his hand slipped back to his pockets as he pulled back, eyeing you from top to bottom as your breath hitched at his words. “W-What?” You managed to gain back your long lost voice as he took a step back, amused at your flustered reaction. “I said what I said. 20 seconds Y/n. I am starting the countdown. 1…2…” “W-Wait wait! Hee! What the heck do I do?” You panicked as he started his manual countdown as he shrugged his shoulders. “5…6…7…” You turned around to take off your heels but it seemed like luck wasn’t helping. “8…9…10…11” ‘Oh fuck.’ You left what you were doing as you made way to your bedroom, sprinting through the stairs as you were risking your life with the 3 inch heel and the narrow staircase. “12…13…Oh, be careful dear wife, I don’t want you to fall.” You turned to look at him as he took slight steps towards the path you followed, causing you to enter your room as you turned the doorknob lock, taking a deep breath. “What did I get myself into?” You took a few steps towards your bed, still hearing him count for god knows how long before he finally stopped. You took off your heels, thankfully they weren’t a problem this time as your attention turned to the silence that engulfed the atmosphere.

“Hee?” You heard no voice from the door as you turned open the doorknob, stepping out to not find him downstairs. “Heeseung, this is nowhere close to being funny.” You spoke in an annoyed tone as you closed the door behind you, making your way towards the staircase. “Hee-” You got cut off as you felt a hand tugging on your wrist as you turned around and slammed back on the door, a gasp leaving your lips as you were met by his siren gaze. “What the heck Heeseung?” A low chuckle escaped his lips as he spoke. “I’m obliged to my words but it seems like you weren’t?” his behavior made it seem like he might have been high on drugs, because this was definitely new coming from his end. “Heeseung what is up with you-” “You wanted me to be like an open book to you right? You wanted to discover all of my personalities.” Your breath hitched at the close proximity while his cinnamon breath fanned on your lips, his orbs capturing yours in a ravishing contact. “H-Hee.” His name left as a whisper as you kept your hands on his chest, causing a short distance to develop between the two of you as you almost held back to your breath. “You invoked the element of jealousy in me, love. And now I won’t be holding it back.” 

Before you had a chance to fight back, you felt him pulling you in a messy lip-lock, his hand sliding down to pull you closer by the waist as the other took hold of your jaw, fingers softly rubbing down the back of your neck as he took you by surprise. The heart fluttering radiance made way to spread through your veins like a blazing wildfire as you reciprocated the feeling, throwing your arms around his neck as you pulled him closer. Time and tide waits for none, and that is exactly what Heeseung was holding onto as he took his own time to savour the sweetness plattered on your lips, seeming like he would never get enough of it as he took the opportunity to tuck on your bottom lip, letting a gasp elicit from you end as he slipped his tongue, enjoying every inch of the hot chambers as an excited moan escapes his lips. Whilst you were running breathless, you softly tapped his shoulders, causing him to slow down his movements as he broke apart the lip-lock, a string of saliva keeping both of you connected after the slight intimacy. Panting for air as he opened his eyes, finding your amused ones as he slightly frowned. “What?” He spoke, pushing his hand away from your neck as he took his support by the wall next to the door, feeling his own cheeks heating up at the flashbacks of the past few moments you both shared. “I didn’t know you would act all riled up because of mere jealousy.” You spoke softly, finding it witty how the man who was all jealous was now flushing in embarrassment. He had a slight grin on his face as he spoke, “Well you unravelled it after all, there was no point in hiding it.” He looked away scratching his nape on how he got carried away.

“I’ll be more careful in bringing it out more often.” You spoke, placing your arm on his shoulders as you fondly gazed at him, eyes never leaving his as his hands held your arms in an agile grip. “I’d be more than glad to serve you each time.” A low chuckle leaves his lips as he speaks. “But for now…” with a sparkle in his eyes and a hint of mischievousness ligering in his words, you tilted your head in confusion as he lifted you in his arms, taking you by surprise as a loud chuckle escapes your lips, pushing through the unlocked door as he softly placed you on the the spongy mattress. “Do I have your consent for the night, Lee Y/n?” He spoke, seeking your consent whilst it fluttered your heart, welling up tears in our orbs as you nodded. Hovering over you as he planted a fragile kiss on your forehead, sealing the promise of compassion and devotion under the shimmering moonlight. “You had no option to deny it either way, love.” He whispered whilst sitting up, undoing his tie as he unbuttoned the first button of his shirt, letting it loose as he crawled up to settle between your thighs as he looked at you, smirking at your flustered state. “Oh don’t look at me like that, help me take this off.” He spoke, pulling you up with his grip as you slightly gasped, with his hands guiding you to the buttons of his shirt. “You are so incorrigible.” Taking your own time to tease him as your fingers traced down his chest, his muscles tensing up as you undid the buttons, letting it fall apart as he got rid of it, revealing the chiseled body underneath, the sculpted abs and the muscles that lined his biceps and shoulders, with his pecs were smooth and well-defined, the veins in his arms pulsated as he moved them around.

His dark gaze lingering over yours as he ducked down, pressing his lips against yours as you returned the feverish sensation back with the same will, draping your hands around his neck to pull him closer, leaving no space for air to creep up in between. His hand fumbled through the hem of your dress, sliding through it as the dress crept up, letting the cold air make contact with your bare skin underneath as it sent shivers down your spine. "You're mine, all mine." He whispered against your  lips, the words sending another spark through your veins as youI nodded, "I know." He pulled apart, his hands still caressing your waist as he sat up. "Take it off." 

His demanding tone might have caught you off guard as he was never this demanding before. Going along with the word play as you retorted back playfully. "What?" It was bold of you to assume that you could do a foreplay, whilst being under him. as a low chuckle escaped his lips whilst he spoke, his hands resting on my thighs. "Take that fancy little dress off you or should I get the job done?" I smirked at his words. "Why don't you do it yourself, Mr.Lee." You spoke, fumbling with his belt as he scoffed, pulling up the dress as he threw it aside, leaving you in your inners. "Oh, you're way too bold." He teased as he ran his hands over your thighs. Whilst his gaze followed the trace of his fingers on your skin, he spoke, “Just remember my love, the night is still young.” He turns his gaze back to you, flashing you that one troublesome gaze which you despised the most. He won’t be letting you go this easily.

His rousing tone rushed like a never-ending stream as you could feel yourself getting drenched just by his mere touches. But you chose not to give in as you gulped, trying to shove off the shakiness in your tone. It was evident how you pulled apart from the intense eye contact, as his gaze softened, coming forth to place a soft kiss on your nose as he tucked a loose hair strand behind your ear. “I promise to be gentle, my love. If you don’t want this we can stop-” “Hey, it’s okay I know you won’t hurt me.” You cut him off in between as you took a deep sigh. He seeked for any traces of lies hiding behind your hazel orbs as he spoke. “Are you sure Y/n? I have never rushed things with you so I don’t want our first to be an uncomfortable experience.” The switch from the heated atmosphere to a more admiring, concerning and light hearted made your heart at a little ease. You thought for a while as you looked up to his bambi orbs. “I…I just don’t want to embarrass myself in front of you.” Just as these words left your mouth you heard slight laughter from his end. “W-whats so funny?” You spoke, a questionable frown appearing on your face as he turned his head sideways, a small grin on his face. “Now where did the ‘all bold Y/n’ go huh? Weren’t you the one determined to encounter these moments more often? To be in this position 24/7” He spoke, rubbing his nose against yours as he looked down at you, eyeing you from top to bottom as the actions made the blood rush up against your cheeks. “HEESEUNG!” You spoke, reaching out for the bed sheet, as he held your hands gently, pinning them sideways as he spoke, “Don’t shy away from me, love.” his hands tracing behind your back as his fingers rested on the strap of your bandeau, seeking your permission with his eyes whilst you nodded, letting him take it off, revealing your chest. “You’re insanely beautiful.” He placed a soft kiss on one of your bosoms, letting your heart flutter at his words as a soft moan escaped your lips as he continued, “The most heavenly sight to my eyes.” placing another kiss on your collarbone. “My glamorous beauty.” trailing kisses up to our jaws as you intertwined your fingers with his. “My woman.” he spoke, placing a tender kiss on your lips, full of love and compassion as he pulled apart, admiring the view underneath him. The past few moments that resided with jealousy and lust were now engulfed with words of appreciation and compassion. 

He paused for a moment, letting you take a breather before he left another trail of tender kiss down through your body as his hands rested on your inner thighs, parting them slightly as your heartbeats paced up. Letting his fingers hover around your cervix as he let an airy chuckle escape his lips. “Relax love, close your eyes.” You obliged to his words, gripping onto the bed sheets as you felt his fingers encircling, letting your lips fall apart whilst another moan escaped your lips. “Feels good?” He questions, lifting up to see your parted lips as he chuckles, finding it adorable how they were simply falling apart just by his fingers. You simply nodded, too engrossed in the feeling to form words to express it out to him. Before you had the chance to savour the feeling, you felt his pushing one of his fingers inside you, letting a yelp escape your lips as he pushes it in and out, slowly yet pacing with every passing second as you moan a mess for him “Hee-eseung ahh, i-it f-feels too g-good o-oh fuck” You exclaim, eyes rolling back at the feeling as you feel your organism progressing forth. “Yeah? It feels cherishing?” You could pick up the hints of mischievousness in his tone yet again but you were high enough on your organism to let out any words to agree with him. “Let go of it, my love.” Those words were enough for you to untie the knot in your stomach, welcoming your arousal on the tip of his fingers as he pulls out, relishing the taste as he licks his fingers clean, hips lips falling apart as he speaks, “Sweet and devouring, just like you.” Your face flushes at his words, letting your grip loosen on the sheets as you hear the unbuckling of his belt, causing you to lift up your head as your eyes traced down to his fingers fumbling with his lowers, getting rid of each and every one of the clothing.

“Lift your hips up for me, love.” he whispered close to your ears, sending butterflies through your body as you granted him the favor as his hands gripped on your legs, pulling them over his shoulders to get a better access. “Let me know when it hurts okay?” He spoke, his tender gaze meeting yours as you nodded. With a single swift motion, he dunked his shaft deep inside you, causing a moan to escape your lips as you held onto his shoulders, thrusting slowly as he held onto your hips, placing soft kisses near your orbs. “My beautiful woman, taking me in so perfectly.” A low moan escapes his lips as he tugs on his bottom lip, throwing his head back on how graceful you look underneath him; with the moonlights cascading down to on you, reflecting against your brimming hazel orbs as the beads of sweat drip down from your forehead, your messy locks spread wild whilst your milky skin contrasted the monochrome shades of plum bedsheet. With every thrust he gives, he kisses away your tears, his fingers rubbing circles against your hips, whispering nothing but appreciation in your ears as loud moans continue to escape your lips, with him taking in each and every one of them in a gentle kiss. “Hee, I-I’m c-close.” You whimper, with your words almost leaving as a whisper as you hear him speak. “I am too, just let go when you can.” And with those words he continues to let slow thrusts, letting your arousal hit your peak once again as you let go, your expressions relieving as he his muscles contract. “F-Fuck Y/n, I’m coming too.” He throws his head back, pulling out as he lets go of his organism, his body faltering as he lets his head lose, both of you panting after the intercourse. 

“You…you did so well my love.” He spoke, taking deep breaths as he looked up to meet your eyes, a smile lingering on your lips as you chuckle. “You were good enough to make me feel like on cloud nine.” You spoke, causing him to chuckle as he drops next to you, wrapping his arms around your waist as he pulls you close, nuzzling his face in the crook of your neck. “No, you were the one to take in so well my angel.” He placed a soft kiss on your forehead. You both stayed in each other’s embrace for a few good minutes, residing in each other’s comfort as his hands caressed your shoulders. His eyes never left yours as you broke in a laughter. “What are you staring at?” you spoke, captivating each and every one of his features as your fingers traced his jawline. “I’m staring at someone who reflects my whole universe.” He spoke cheekily, causing you to roll your eyes playfully at him. “You’re so cheesy, Hee. You hype me up for no reason.” You spoke, causing him to let out a dramatic gasp as he spoke. “For no reason?” His eyes widened at your words as he spoke. “You complete my life. If I were to pick that one best thing that happened in my life, it would be getting married to you.” He spoke as he peppered kisses on your face, starting with your cheeks as he spoke, “You,” then your forehead, “complete,” followed by your nose, “my,” and then your lips, “whole life.” letting small giggles escape your lips as you hugged his torso. “You’re mine too.” you spoke, letting the silence engulf the two of you again as he once again broke it. “Shower?” You turned to face him as you spoke, “Only if you don’t go for something else.” He laughed at your words. “No no I promise. It’s just the aftercare.” His eyes sparkled under the moonlight as his fingers grazed through your locks.

note#2: T T I tried my best, I never had an experience of writing these type of contents. If there are any grammatical errors, please ignore because English is not my first language. Feel free to leave comments and re-blog <3

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[ctheathy]

Secret History Tails Headcanons

Secret History Tails x Reader

General+Fluff Headcanons [SFW]

Due to him showing quite the difference in personality in both the original Secret Histories and TSAA I’m gonna try keeping both “versions’’ of them in different sections, as the particular state would also truly determine on how he’d possibility be as a lover. He’ll still be known as SH Tails among both sides though

Secret History Tails/Reader

Potential ⚠️TWs⚠️ :

Brainwashing trauma [On Tails’ part] • Mention of bullying // harassment • General yandere-ish behaviour • Slight possessiveness • Jealousy • Trust Issues • Implied murder • Worship

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Let’s start with his og version, shall we? I can see him being a somewhat tough cookie to crack, not wanting to accept the fact he may be adoring somebody the same way, or perhaps even more so than he does with Sonic. I have personally always just kept the headcanon that SH Tails is really just a brainwashed version of the regular Miles Prower among that universe; feeling determined to worship and devote himself to Sonic, almost as it’s the literal meaning of his entire existence.

And that’s exactly where the major difference with you comes in.

When given genuine kindness, you earn his love and compassion instead of literally being entitled to it. He remains in severe denial about it for a while, but that soft spot is definitely growing when you’re going out of your way to dote on him. Despite seeming to lack lucidity in this state, he definitely isn’t some fool; He’s very well aware of the literal degradation Sonic had given him during that time, but he just let it happen due to his obsession with somebody who practically doesn’t even exist, atleast not for his position, that is. He seems to have trouble facing the differences between those who in his words are considered “imposters” and those who are being genuine; but you’d likely just take over that entire imagery of Sonic that’s been plastered into his mind when just being a decent human being//mobian torwards him, and in order to do so, it really just requires patience.

But even so, his masquerade would end up shattering into a million pieces eventually; wanting to do nothing but give into your angelic words, encouragement and comforts so badly. During this process he’d suddenly become a very clingy mobian, wanting to do nothing but grab your hands, hold you close, and just be alongside you each and every minute of the day. He’s one to grow pretty attached to those who are reasonable enough to treat him as an equal being, likely being one to go as far as worshipping a darling who holds a neutrally sweet demeanour, who’s able to give chances and atleast consider getting to know him instead of running away with their tail between their legs. Those who have been scared for their lives around the fox or just make him out to be some unsettling crackhead at first glance have definitely caused atleast some more unsteadyness to be created in his system. The word trustworthy has been lacking around him for such a long time that he honestly struggles to keep up with any sudden tender gestures, which is why warming him up to it makes him a whole lot more open in genuinely trying for both his own and your sake.

Another cute thing being is that he’d absolutely wrap you around in his tails like they’re a pair of covers, keeping you warm and wishing to keep you safe from any potential threats around at all costs. Talking about his tails; compliment them, hug them, bring your attention onto them in a positive manner, I dare you. In my canon, he was still very much bullied by the bystanders close to his home, and even now, nasty comments are oftentimes still given due to similar reasonings or the blue hedgehog’s complaints alone. And although he wouldn’t exactly understand why due to memory loss of the Sega brainwashing, but a few tears would for sure manage to slip their ways down his cheeks at some point.

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Tails from the TSAA series was a slightly ... Difficult one to say the least. His obsession with Sonic has reached the point of undoable and unsavoury acts in the purpose of finding the said ‘real Sonic’, who realistically speaking; is still back at his original alternate part of the universe, potentially making him search for an ultimatum which he’ll never truly find. Let’s say you’re a self aware individual in this one who tagged along with him in order to potentially make the realisation set in that the work is not even worth it in the end, that it’s technically not even possible to begin with. You're against his plan and doings yet you still managed to steal his heart? Sneaky, sneaky little thing that you are.

While Tails back in Secret Histories would be a whole lot more careless, just wanting to be touchy with you and return all of the adoration he’s denied for such a long time, I cannot help but think the Tails in this position would be a whole lot more gentle with you; having lacked true companionship for such a long time, to believing he’d quite literally break you when truly giving in on what he actually desires. He adores you for you, he’s happened to learn a lot from your knowledge and truly appreciates your company, but he’s fearful in a way. He knows he could easily be one to just manipulate his way into the things he wants, but he knows it’s just as much fake if he literally has to break you in order to do so. You’d might as well be one another of the imposters he’s always despised so much and that’s honestly the last thing he’d wish to showcase you as.

Over time though, I can see him opening up a whole lot more and accepting the passion you’ve always offered with open arms after making a hundred percent sure it wouldn’t make a change on you in the slightest. I believe genuine benevolence and sympathy from another is what would slowly cause the fox to give up on finding this ‘real Sonic’ his head has been so desperate in creating. You’ll help him recover from his brainwashing trauma and let him very well known about the fact that he did not deserve anything that happened to him. He’s hesitant, but with you alongside him, I could finally see him putting this unrealistic fixation of his aside. Being unimaginably thankful for now gaining the love from somebody he’s yearned for for such a long time without gaslighting needing to be used nor potentially feeling the need to press a knife against the other’s throat in order for them to openly enjoy his company

Something on a sadder note, however, is how he’d likely gain these upsetting moments on how he cannot go back to either his true world due to the chaos he’s caused nor stay in any of the other dimensions because of them already having their own alternate versions of himself. To which you’re experienced in comforting the two tailed fox, but you however do not have an actual solution to the problem. You instead, help him consider making the best out of both of your positions in the multiverse. The two of you clumsily yet romantically dance your ways down together through the said ‘slide’, you sometimes end up entering other universes due to both of your curiosities getting the best of you, and you let him rant about the things he knows with a curious and interested expression on your face; there’s never really been anybody who listened to him in the way you have, so hearing the enthusiasm in his voice and sometimes even seeing his tails wag in excitement, honestly made everything worth it to you.

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Bonus section : Similarities

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A massive similarity that cannot go unnoticed is that both sides of them really wouldn't require much more than somebody who does genuinely love them but also happens to be strong enough to keep him restrained on healthy levels and keep up with any considerable obsessiveness he may show from time to time; so there’s suggested you carefully keep up to any hinted warnings in possessive behaviour and mannerisms. He’d be a whole lot more likely to stalk you during this process, wanting to keep a close eye open on both your safety and to prevent anybody else from pushing you into funny business. You’re his beautiful significant other and he shall go to intense levels to keep it that way, even if this includes in taking some sad bystander’s life cause they decided to corner you in a lustful manner without the slightest bit of consent even being given in the first place. And it’s not like he’d even be willing to believe you’d do such things with another to begin with, you’re too pure in his eyes.

Another concept for a fox character I wish to keep myself to, is the fact that they’re known to mate for life, which also just so happens to add in on atleast slight possessive behaviour on the both of them. Tails, in particular, works very well with explosives and any kinds of machinery work; so when taking notice upon anybody getting even the slightest bit too close for comfort, he certainly wouldn’t hesitate to use the malfunction excuse as a way in order to keep you accessible in the relationship. Hopefully you’d be one to prevent him from doing so as much as you possibly could though, as something that could cause bigger issues for your alliance in perhaps future occurrences would include not correcting him. He’d surely still be one to wrap his body around your own in a defensive manner, literally growling at the pedestrian oppositely of your own spot, but knowing how much he worships and looks up to you, he’d likely be one to listen on conditions of gaining enough reassurance over time and keeping a whole amount of your attention on him.

Despite how the sanity levels seem to dangerously be on the borderline of instability at some points of the relationship, I do remain to see him as atleast somewhat tameable. Due to the clinginess both versions of him hold, he’d be quite vulnerable to you in both positions aswell, almost feeling intimidated by you in a way. He worships your entire being and quite frankly views you as a godsend, feeling the need to prove himself in any way possible. At the end of the day, despite any of the flaws they may hold, from Secret Histories or TSAA, they’re both fairly passionate lovers and could genuinely be good ones as long as given a chance. He promises you’re truly in good hands- But even then, it remains important knowing what you’re potentially getting yourself into

as he sure as hell won’t let you go after your commitment.

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#secret history tails #secret history tails x reader #sh tails #mashed tails #yandere tails #yandere tails x reader #tails x reader

[winterstellars]

sins of the son | aemond targaryen

15,179w | aemond x fem!reader (can also be read as nameless oc) | 12.7.22 | part 2 here

Aemond does not know how long she has been in King’s Landing. She could have been living in the capitol for years without him knowing. One day she practically does not exist, and the next, she does. Almost as if she has materialized out of nothingness.

He notices her at prayers first. She sits next to one of his mother’s ladies-in-waiting. While the other girl sits with closed eyes and a bowed head, her eyes are wide open. She stares at the candles that surround the altar, so still that he swears she could be made of marble until her eyelids waver just slightly. He has not prayed since the Gods rejected his pleas for them to restore his eye, so he watches her. Out of boredom. Out of intrigue. They seem to be the only ones present in the sept; everyone else is wrapped up in the Gods. When she catches him staring, she stares right back.

Aegon knows nothing about her—his attentions lie elsewhere, they have never taken an interest in the same woman—but Helaena does.

“Her family sent her here to be legitimized,” she tells him. “She helps me with the babies. Jaehaera loves her.”

He fills in the pieces that his sister is too sweet to say: that a highborn parent with a guilty conscience likely sent her to the capitol to be kept out of sight. It would explain her lack of standing, her relegation to the ends of lines and edges of gatherings. Common, but not really. Noble, but not quite.

When the ladies of the court convene in the gardens for an embroidery session, he catches a glimpse of her. He does not mean to linger, having intended to go down to the rocky shore at the foot of the Red Keep where Vhagar often rests, but he studies her from a distance. The flowers and greenery bob in the wind, obscuring her profile. He can just make out a fern taking shape on her fabric.

Her hand jolts and his heart squeezes in his chest. It feels as though his spying is the cause, even if it is only a needle prick. She brings her finger to her mouth and sucks the blood away. He has to force himself to continue walking.

Flying tends to clear his head. Today is an exception. As Vhagar swoops above King’s Landing, he finds himself thinking about his blood. He has tasted it many times during sparring accidents. He remembers the warmth of it when his nephew slashed his eye out. There was so much of it that it ran down his face and gathered on his lips. He wonders what her blood would taste like. If it would be different from his.

It is evening, weeks later, when they cross paths in one of the lower corridors in the Red Keep. She stands aside for him but does not hide her face as others do. He knows he ought to keep walking. This. . . curiosity is not wise. He stops anyway. One conversation will not harm him.

“My lady.”

“Prince Aemond.” She holds a small bunch of flowers, little pink blooms with petals that seem to open in perfect geometric patterns.

“A gift from a suitor?” He gestures to the little bouquet.

“Oh, yes. I’m positively besieged by them.”

A grin plays at the corners of her mouth. People do not speak to him this way. Servants try to address him in as few words as possible and his family has their set habits: his mother’s clipped sentences that seem to end just short of what she wants to say, Helaena and her little riddles, his grandfather and his careful candor. Wry humor is not their way, and he can remember all too well the years when he functioned as the target of his brother’s and nephews’ jokes. Criston Cole may be a decent sparring partner in the training yard, but he is not much for sparring with words.

“What is it that the Gods advise?” He may not be as religious as his mother, but he has always had a gift for memorizing bits of text. “Let no maiden be tempted by wanton attentions, lest her thoughts become sinful and her flesh tainted.”

“Well, who am I to argue with the Gods? Consider me warned.” She offers a brief, practiced curtsy. “Good evening to you, my prince.”

She has not taken two steps when he calls after her. “I will escort you.”

“That is kind of you, but there is no need.” She points to a door at the end of the hallway, presumably her chambers. “Though I hear the city is lawless, I truly doubt I will be attacked between here and there.”

“As you wish.” He turns as she does, though he pauses and looks over his shoulder until she reaches her destination.

Disappointment settles in his stomach, which he immediately reprimands himself for. At most, he could have insisted on accompanying her and bought himself a few extra moments in her presence. Enough to ask about the flowers or her embroidery. It is trivial, he tells himself. Naturalized though she may be, she is a bastard girl and he is a prince and a dragonrider. The more she sees of him, the sooner he will frighten her away.

When he is trying to fall asleep, he sees her eyes piercing into him from across the sept. His entire body crawls at the sensation of it. She is undoing him, opening him, turning him inside out. He sleeps without dreams and wakes up wanting more.

read the rest on AO3

#aemond #aemond targaryen #aemond x oc #aemond x fem!reader #house of the dragon #hotd #trying out the whole tumblr thing again lol #i wrote this instead of working on my thesis #which will probably be like 5k words shorter than this behemoth #aemond babygirl targaryen #aemond mama's boy targaryen #aemond kendall roy targaryen

[angelicjungwon]

sim jaeyun - best friends or more?

plot: you and jake have been friends for a while now. you two got along quite well, maybe a little too well.

it all starts to unveil once both of you start seeing other people, while you‘re the one who tries their hardest to hide their feelings, jake doesn’t hold back at all.

word count: 965

tw: swear words, kissing, mentions of hooking up

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"what do you mean, you‘re going on a date again? this is the third time…" jake groaned, causing you to roll your eyes at him as you‘re trying to find something decent to wear in the depth of your closet. "yes the third time in like what… a year? unlike you i don‘t just jump into bed with every girl i meet." you laugh as he sat down on your bed in shock.

"i would never do that. speak for yourself. you‘re the one who decided to hook up with jay… my fucking best friend. you know how fucked up that is?" he almost yelled at you. you slowly turned around, making it look almost too dramatic, before half yelling back at him.

"i did NOT hook up with him, however why would that matter to you anyways? why do you always care so much about any guy i go out with? please let me have one date without questioning the guy before even meeting him."

jake got off the bed, grabbing his bag that he left on the side of your bedroom door, before heading towards your apartment door.

"go ahead, get heartbroken. i‘m not gonna cheer you up this time…" and with that he slammed the door closed.

you hated jake. you loved him but you hated him with a passion… sometimes.

he would always get mad whenever you were around other men, especially the last few months. to other people it was very obvious that the tension between you and jake was not because you two worried about each other, you two found it hard to cope with the feelings you had for each other.

but he had you wrapped around his finger, as always.

as soon as he left, you sat on your couch, curled up in a ball as you texted your date that you had to cancel last minute because you were feeling sick and to your luck, the guy was not having it, instantly blocking you with nothing else but a 'ok lol' reply.

maybe jake was right after all, maybe all that men wanted from you was only one thing. maybe you shouldn’t go on dates.

as the evening has passed, a shower and two episodes of gossip girl later, you found yourself still on the couch, fetus position and wrapped in your favourite blanket, however the sound of your door unlocking has caught your attention.

"why are you here?" a familiar voice asked. you raised a brow at the dark haired man, hanging his jacket on your coat hanger. "uhm… this is my apartment, i could ask you the same sim jaeyun?" he chuckled as he made his way over to your couch, sitting down next to you before resting his body close to yours, to pull you into a somewhat cuddling position. "i came to apologise for my behaviour, sometimes i just get so angry when… you know… you talk to other guys when i should be supportive. you deserve a man who treats you well - even though i don‘t think any man deserves someone like you, you‘re an angel - but yeah… i think i just need to get over it." he smiled, causing you to smile back at him.

he was gorgeous, the light of the tv on his face making you stare at him in awe.

"i ditched the guy and then he blocked me, you were right jake."

he jumped of the couch and fist bumped the air, muttering a little 'i knew it' before sitting down and faking a frown before patting your back.

"poor little (y/n)… damn, what an asshole."

you hit his arm before pushing him off you, starting a play fight with him while curses kept leaving your lips.

"well since you‘re free tonight, maybe we should hang out? we could order food and watch your favourite movie… like a date but not actually a date you know… just so we can cheer you up, nothing more." he suggested, making you roll your eyes at him. "i was planning on asking heeseu-" before you could finish your sentence he cut you off. "don‘t you fucking dare, angel. i will beat the shit out of you both. jay was one thing but heeseung is a whole different story. if that man lays a finger on you i will explode." he spat, causing you to laugh. "why? he‘s hot. i‘d love to have him touch me." you replied, making jake ironically chuckle. "exactly. i have no chance compared to him."

you looked at him confused. you kinda knew what he meant but you wanted to hear him say it. "what do you mean by that jakey?" you batted your lashes at him. he scoffed, grabbing your face in one hand, before slowly moving it from side to side. "stop acting innocent, you know i like you." you giggled, playfully hitting his arm once more. "i like you too jakey! that‘s why we‘re best friends!"

at this point you were just playing with him, you wanted him to say it first, you didn’t wanna be the first for once.

he shook his head in disbelief, he knew you too well, especially the way you kept looking at his lips. he knew you weren’t just waiting for a response.

"stupid." he mumbled as he leaned in to close the gap between you two, pressing his lips against your, while gently holding your cheeks in his hands.

"so so stupid." he kept mumbling, between every kiss.

"the most stupid person i know." he kept on going, which caused you to laugh against his lips. "pretending to not have feelings for me." you rolled your eyes and grabbed his face to push his own closer. "shut up jaeyun and continue kissing me, dumb ass."

#enhypen oneshots #enhypen imagines #enhypen headcanons #sim jake imagines #sim jaeyun imagines #sim jake imagine

[drowninginliquidsmooth]

Breakfast - Tom kazansky x Fem!reader (who is Nick Bradshaw’s sister)

A breakfast date with The "Iceman" <3

a/n: This is a part two to this fic but i don't think it is completely necessary to have read part one.

Warnings: swearing (let me know if there’s any others)

Paulette’s Diner was a small place on the beach front, it was filled with pink booth seats and waiters on roller skates. The whole room was filled with the music coming from the jukebox as well as laughter coming from the three different couples who were scattered around the place.

In the back corner, far enough away from everyone and the jukebox that you could talk without too much interruption, sat You and Tommy.

You wore a cute romper, and he sported a casual t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

As you waited for someone to take your orders, you chatted quietly about your lives at school.

“You know, I was quite the lanky nerd type at school,” Tom shocked you with this information, it was something nobody would expect from him.

“No way! Really?” You received a slightly shy nod so you stumbled to reassure him, “nothings wrong with that! I was a nerd too- I still am really- but I just never expected that from The ‘Iceman’”

He started to chuckle about this, and you went on to discuss teachers, bullies and your favourite subjects (his being English and Science)

10 minutes after you had sat down, a blonde girl (who could be no older than 16, you thought) skated up to you, notepad in hand and asked for your orders.

Tom ordered a fry up, and you a stack of pancakes with maple syrup and bacon. As well as this, you both asked for a large strawberry milkshake to share.

Whilst waiting for the order, Tom decided to discuss the topic of your brother, Nick Bradshaw and his best friend Pete.

“What do you plan on doing if they found out about this?” He asked you. You knew this question was coming, so you had rehearsed your answer.

“When he first joined the Navy, Nick made me swear that I would never date a pilot. Pete made me make the same promise to him too. So, naturally they’d feel betrayed but also they know they hold no real authority over me and my dating life,” this explanation made Tom giggle slightly the protective nature of your brother and his best friend was hilariously strong.

“However, they would NOT be happy that the particular pilot I chose was Iceman,” this information didn’t really surprise him, you had expected this, “Don’t get me wrong! They both think your an amazing pilot and a pretty cool guy but simultaneously they believe your a well… a ya know-“

“Manwhore?” Tom interjected bluntly, clearly very conscious of the opinions of his peers.

Your body heat collected within your cheeks all of a sudden “I was gonna put it nicer than that”

“It’s ok. So if I some how managed to prove to Mav and Goose that I’m not in fact a massive slag but actually a decent human being they’d accept our relationship?”

your relationship.

“Yeah, I really think they would,” you smiled brightly at him, but under the table you picked at your nails, concerned about the possibility of offending him.

Luckily, before you could get too in your head, your breakfast and milkshake was placed in front of you on the metal table (which was great, as you had grown extremely worried that your stomach would commence growling in anger at the lack of food).

The very first bite into your pancakes caused you to groan -quite loudly- in satisfaction.

“I agree,” Tom grinned, still chewing on a small piece of his bacon.

After that moment, your mind had been so absorbed into the tantalising flavours of maple syrup on bacon that you were paying no attention to the actions of a certain Lieutenant.

You were drawn out of your flavour admiration as you felt a strange sensation occur on your nose.

You gave Tom a suspicious look, before quickly pulling out the compact mirror you kept in your handbag at all times.

The mirror revealed that a small dollop of whipped cream -taken from your milkshake- sat atop your nose.

“Thomas Kazansky you little shit!” Feigning anger, you attempted your best stern glare. This was not successful, as it resulted in Thomas alerting the entire diner with his uproar of laughter, before leaning over the table and quickly swiping off the cream with his tongue.

Will this man please refrain from making me blush like a schoolgirl?

It took about fifteen minutes for you to finish your meal, and you finally gave your full attention to the milkshake.

However, this didn’t go so well when both of you leaned in to grab the straws with your mouths and ended up head-butting one another. This stupid action caused yet another uproar of laughter, much to the disapproval of the now full diner.

Huh. When had those people shown up?

Now being extra careful, the two of you managed to finish the drink with no further accidents and you went up to pay and then leave.

Once again, Tom refused to allow you to pay for the meal despite your best efforts, so you settled on giving a twenty percent tip instead.

You climbed into the passenger seat of Ice’s black corvette and spectated as he put on his music. Delight and shock filled you as the familiar sound of ‘Head over Heels’ by Tears for fears trickled into your ears.

You were even more shocked when you heard Tom singing along in a beautiful voice, and obviously you decided to join in.

“You're just, just, just wasting time” you sang to him

And together you yelled at the top of your voices, not caring about who may hear

“Something happens and I'm head over heels

I never find out till I'm head over heels

Something happens and I'm head over heels

Ah, don't take my heart, don't break my heart

Don't, don't, don't throw it away”

A/n: im sorry if this isn’t as good as the last one was, it kept messing up so it made me really frustrated. I hope it hasn’t affected the quality.

If you enjoyed this- feel free to check out my masterlist or give my blog a follow <3

#Spotify #tom kazansky x reader #tom kazansky #top gun maverick #top gun x reader #top gun #iceman x reader #nick bradshaw #iceman #val kilmer

[sevikasupremacy]

Falling For You - Sevika x Reader

Words: 919

Warnings: None // Just soft moments with this beautiful woman

Summary: Sevika has her first kiss with you.

As the rest of Silco’s goons walked out the door, you and Sevika finally have The Last Drop all to yourselves. Sevika tossed the cigar into the ashtray, leaning back into the chair comfortably.

Not much words were exchanged as the two of you sat down, minding your own businesses. It didn’t really bother you since this happened occasionally.

It’s been years since you joined Silco’s side but somehow never gotten the chance to properly sit down and have a conversation with his right hand woman.

You had plenty of small chats with her but never to the point of discussing something personal together.

Not to mention, you couldn’t help but smile whenever she gave you some attention, even if it’s not a lot. Every of her little gestures that was directed to you always made your heart flutter.

But you knew it was impossible for her to even acknowledge you in that way. She had made it clear in the beginning that you were just another one of Silco’s goon.

As you craned your head back, mindlessly looking at the ceiling, a grunt made you look back at the older woman in front of you.

“Rough day?” You spoke up, still maintaining eye contact with her.

“It’s always rough.” Sevika scoffed, taking a drink of the alcohol that you always hated.

You opened your mouth but no words came out. At this point you didn’t even know how to start a conversation with her.

“It’s been a while since we got to look after The Last Drop together.” Sevika looked up, staring right at you.

“Yeah…Yep…” You looked away, awkwardly shifting your attention to the door.

“What’s wrong with you today?” The sudden question made you jump a little before quickly shaking your head.

“Nothing, just tired.” You sighed, already predicting that this talk won’t last long.

“We really can’t do much can we?” You murmured, your eyes wandering to Sevika’s mechanical arm, focusing on the faint purple light coming out of it.

“Well what can we do?” Sevika’s eyes trained on you, her metal fingers tapping on the wooden table.

You were silent for a good minute, your eyes frantically looking around, mildly panicking on the inside.

“Do you realize that we never had a decent conversation together..?”

You noticed Sevika’s body tensed up, her gaze averted.

“Like… we never shared any deep thoughts to each other or any personal—“ You quickly shut up, realizing if you fumble even more, embarrassment would follow.

“Get to your point.” From the sound of it, Sevika was getting impatient.

You huffed, closing your eyes as you kept your composure before looking back at Sevika.

“I wish you could see me differently. That I’m not just one of Silco’s goons,” You slowly stood up, walking your way over to the older woman who was watching you in silence, “I want to be… something more.”

You were quite surprised Sevika didn’t stand up and walk out the door at this point. Instead, she looked calm. But in those gray eyes of hers, it’s showing signs of something else.

“Now that I have gotten that out of my chest. Aren’t you going to say what’s on your mind?” You boldly said, getting lost in those beautiful eyes of her.

“I like you. Is that what you want me to say?” You added, gently placing your hand on top of hers.

“Please say something.”

“I can’t be in denial anymore can I?”

You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.

“What?”

“These past years I tried to push all those feelings away. I never have liked anyone. Never even experience falling in love with someone. I always thought those were bullshit.” She looked away, letting out a defeated sigh.

“But when I look at you, I felt something else. I thought if I distance myself from you it would all be gone. It didn’t.”

Sevika looked back at you, her hand slowly shifting to hold yours, squeezing a little.

“I’m not the type of woman you would want to be with.”

“That’s not true. I want you. Only you.” You leaned closer, the smell of tobacco hitting your face.

As you stopped in your tracks, your eyes landing on the older woman’s lips, her hand gently found its way to your lower back, urging you to come closer.

To get into a better position, you lifted your knee up as you tried to straddle her. Both of Sevika’s hands were now on your waist, keeping you secured.

As the two of you stared at each other in comforting silence, you slowly brought your lips toward hers. Your body relaxed on its own as you placed your hands on her broad shoulders.

You let your lips do their job, feeling every inch of Sevika’s plump lips, enjoying her aroma and taste.

You pulled away, opening your eyes as you closely watched her, a small smile forming on your face. Her expression was hard to tell but it was obvious she wasn’t reacting negatively.

“Do it again.” Her demand made you chuckle before tenderly kissing her once again, your hands cradling her jaw.

You connected your lips with her, earning a deep sigh from the older woman.

You felt a hand placed on the back of your head before sensing Sevika’s lips pressing harder against yours. You pulled away before resting your chin on her shoulder, embracing her.

You closed your eyes, letting yourself go in her arms, making sure to remember every second of this wonderful moment.

#arcane #arcane x reader #sevika #arcane fanfic #sevika headcanon #sevika arcane #sevika imagine #sevika arcane x reader #sevika x y/n #sevika fanfic

[theladyofshalott1989]

Sebastian Sallow x Male MC Fanfic (Like Moths to a Flame) - AO3 & Wattpad

I haven't been on Tumblr in years, but I was told it has a very active Hogwarts: Legacy community so that clearly had to be remedied. And WHAT A COMMUNITY THERE IS. I'm so thrilled to be back! In other news, I have no idea what I am doing, but here goes nothing... In March 2023, I wrote a Sebastian Sallow/Male MC story on Wattpad. It was originally meant to just be a one-shot, but (surprise surprise!) it soon became a full series, which I eventually crossposted to AO3 in August. (A huge thank you to the lovely reader who suggested that! It was much appreciated!) Now, 170,000+ words, 20,000+ reads on Wattpad, 6,500 hits on AO3, and two official fan artists later, I am clearly in absolute thrall to this series, and it won't be ending anytime soon. If you're interested, check it out on Wattpad or AO3. I love to interact with readers, so please don't hesitate to comment and/or reach out here on Tumblr too! Wattpad Links: Book One - Like Moths to a Flame Book Two - Burning Bright AO3 Links: Book One - Like Moths to a Flame

Book Two - Burning Bright

My Linktree (where you can find author-curated Spotify playlists for both stories) Excerpt from Like Moths to a Flame:

"Levioso! Accio! Incendio!" Damien yelled from across the room, Leander his unfortunate target.

Sebastian stood in the back of the crowd beside Natty. It was a good turnout for the championship match. He had found a decent spot between heads to watch everything going on without being at the front of the pack. He was still embarrassed by his poor show last week.

Ominis didn't come this year. He said he didn't feel there was a point since Sebastian was out of the tournament. He also wanted to get some rest since he was still recovering from his illness.

Sebastian focused his attention back on the match. Damien had already defeated Charlotte, the rare Hufflepuff member of Crossed Wands. She was sitting on the floor, dazed.

Sebastian wasn't surprised when Damien told Lucan he planned on dueling solo for the final match, but he was still impressed. Competing alone against four of some of the best duelists at the school was quite a challenge.

Leander stumbled back as Damien hit him with three Basic Casts in a row.

Just to mess with Leander, Sebastian called out, "You're better than that!". He grinned to himself as Natty shoved him playfully on the shoulder.

"That was mean-spirited," she said, looking as if she was struggling to hold back her amusement.

"What? He's an arse."

"It would be more effective to root for Damien."

"I don't hear you providing any words of encouragement."

She giggled, cupping her hands to her mouth, and called out, "Go, Damien!"

Damien glanced over in her direction as Eric and Nellie both threw Basic Casts his way. Despite the distraction, he blocked them with a well-timed Protego and managed to cast Stupefy at Nellie, knocking her back.

Eric yelled out and tried a poorly aimed Incendio, which Damien didn't even need to block. Meanwhile, Leander was floating in the air, angrily muttering to himself.

Sebastian, not one to be one-upped by a Gryffindor, followed Natty's lead, and when there was a small break between casts, shouted at Damien, "Give 'em what for!"

Damien scanned the crowd, searching for Sebastian, and when they made eye contact, tossed him a winning grin with an unexpected wink. Sebastian blushed.

It took Sebastian a moment to realize Natty had stopped watching the match and was looking at him with a curious expression.

"What?" Sebastian asked, his voice coming out rougher than he intended.

"He didn't wink at me."

"What do you mean?" he said, feigning ignorance.

Natty gave him a sly grin but kept quiet. She shifted her attention back to the duel.

They had missed Eric being pulled out of the match. He was now pacing the back of the room with a fellow Gryffindor gesticulating wildly. Someone was a poor loser.

Leander was still going strong it seemed, but Nellie was on her last legs. She was struggling to keep up with Damien's volleys. He was quite quick with his casts, almost as fast as Sebastian, which was certainly saying something.

Damien pulled Nellie to him and hit her with a forceful Incendio. It would have completely incapacitated her if it was Confringo. Too bad Sebastian and Damien weren't meeting until tomorrow night. Confringo would have come in handy in Crossed Wands. Oh well.

Leander successfully hit Damien from behind a few times as Damien continued to target Nellie. It didn't bother him in the slightest. He hit Nellie one more time with Incendio and she flew back against the wall, out of the match.

One more to go.

Sebastian couldn't wait to see Damien destroy Leander. It was going to be glorious.

Leander and Damien both shouted, "Levioso!" in unison, canceling out each other's spells.

Damien tried again, this time getting a hit in successfully.

Sebastian knew Leander hated being stuck in the air. Leander muttered something to Damien, riling him up. That was apparently a mistake on his part. Damien's expression clouded over and he hit Leander with Incendio as many times as he could.

When the levitation spell lifted, Leander slumped to the ground, totally spent. Damien turned around triumphantly, his back to Leander, assuming he'd won the tournament, but Leander jumped to his feet.

Sebastian yelled out, "Mind the wand!" just in time. Damien blocked Leander's attempted Confringo and threw a Stupefy back at him. Leander stumbled backward, his eyes widening in shock, and crashed onto the cold stone floor with a thud. He lay there for a moment, dazed and disoriented, before slowly pushing himself up into a sitting position. As he sat up clumsily, his eyes flashed with anger, glaring first at Damien, then Sebastian.

No matter; it was done. Damien had won.

As the crowd erupted into applause, Natty looked back over at Sebastian. "You should go congratulate him." She shoved him lightly in Damien's direction, who was talking with Lucan in the corner of the room.

Sebastian hesitated for a moment before nodding and making his way through the crowd to Damien. He wasn't sure what to say, but he knew he had to do something to show his support. That's what friends were for, right?

#hogwarts legacy #hogwarts legacy fanfic #sebastian sallow x mc #sebastian sallow x male mc #sebastian sallow x ravenclaw mc #sebastian sallow #sebastian sallow fanfiction #ao3 link #wattpad #friends to lovers #slow burn #queer fanfiction #ominis gaunt #sebastian x mc

[finerandbonnier]

The Eremitic Lodger

Chapter One of Lucian, just before the fall

[AO3]

A totally unrelated series of recollections, half remember truths, and outright fabrications regarding London shortly before the event that would come to be known as the Fall and that hold no greater meaning or significance.

I didn’t pay much attention to the voices at first if I’m being honest. In London if you drop everything to spy on whatever gaggle of drunks stagger past your window you’d never get anything done. Plus, being in the attic room, as I am, there was considerable distance between myself and the street.

Really, it’s a surprise I heard anything intelligible at all.

I think it was the mention of a betrayal that first piqued my interest.

Or was it a theft?

Yes, that was it. One of the voices in particular was really quite loud and kept going on about a theft and I got up from my bed to have a look and see, hoping that if my sleep was going to be disturbed then I might as well get some entertainment out of whatever drunken brawl was sure to start outside my window.

There was a small gathering on the other side of the road. They seemed quite a merry lot, in the euphemistic sense of the word if you catch my meaning. At first glance I took them for homogenous, all older, well-dressed gentlemen but then I noticed the odd one out in the middle of the group. He was dressed in the livery of an officer of Her Majesty’s Army, surrounded by the other men and gesticulating wildly.

I could just about make out his face barely illuminated as it was by the streetlamps. It didn’t mean anything to me then, I didn’t even realise I’d seen him before around the neighbourhood until Harjit showed me his picture months later.  

He must have been pretty far gone. He was slurring his words but his voice was raised enough to just carry through the thin glass of my window. He seemed agitated to me, even beyond what is usual for soldier in his cups and he kept talking about needing to warn everyone, about darkness and bats.

Wait.

Did he mention bats? Or have I just invented that out of whole cloth, linking an unrelated event to the catastrophe that happened only a few days later. He definitely talked about a disaster I remember that much, but that needn’t have meant the Fall. Much more likely it was some personal tragedy. The kind that to a drunk mind seems as monumental as the world’s end but turns much more manageable in the sober light of day.

I was just about to retire back to bed as I was, and I am ashamed to admit this knowing what I do now, bored at the lack of action when the group turned on the young officer. They picked him up about his armpits as one of them unlocked the door to the tenement across the road and carried the now struggling lad off through the threshold and into the darkness of the house. That was the last I saw of them.

It may have been the last I saw of the house come to think of it.

I’m told it disappeared during the Fall or sometime shortly after, replaced by a similar building that for months I took to be the original. Terribly unneighbourly I know, not to notice an adjacent property up and vanishing but I must confess I was somewhat out of sorts in the months following our decent through the earth’s crust.

Black dog, if you must know.

Still this all happened a few days before the Fall. The lad could hardly have been in the building when it disappeared, he wasn’t so drunk it’d take days to sleep off the hangover. And if he was? What that would do to a person? Well, that doesn’t bear thinking about now does it?

#fallen london #mask of the rose #fic: lucian just before the fall

[kharti]

[ In Over His Head #28 ]

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The wind had abandoned them, leaving the sails limp and useless, and the ocean was eerily quiet. There was still an idle lapping of waves against the hull, but they sounded almost weak, like the ocean just didn’t have the energy.

      ( Continue reading on AO3 or... )

The wind had abandoned them, leaving the sails limp and useless, and the ocean was eerily quiet. There was still an idle lapping of waves against the hull, but they sounded almost weak, like the ocean just didn’t have the energy.

Stede looked over the cards fanned in his hand to try to gauge the expressions of his opponents.

Buttons had a magnificent way of hiding his thoughts by staring back, unblinking, not even seeming to breathe. Absolutely useless trying to read him.

Roach, meanwhile, had a bit of a nervous look in his eyes as they darted around, trying to do the same as Stede. Or it was a clever ploy to hide his confidence in his hand.

Lucius was—oh, well, he had his lips locked on Pete’s, his cards lying face-up in front of them. Well, it was probably for the best, since he had a particularly good spread.

Then there was Ed, sitting across from him, staring right back. Stede really wanted to believe that he could read the man, that they shared a special connection that exposed their minds to one another. But, of course, that wasn’t the case. Otherwise, they would be lip-locked, too.

Stede cleared his throat and looked down at his cards. “Well, I believe my best course of action is to fold.”

“Aye, captain,” Buttons said with his thousand-yard stare. “Ye got nae chance with’at hand.”

Ed ran a hand over his beard to smooth the hair over his grin. “That constitutes a loss. Y’know the rules.”

With an exaggerated sigh, Stede lifted his eyes to the sky and thought for a quiet moment while the remaining three continued their game of bluff and deceit.

“When I was a young lad,” he said quietly, and the others fell silent as their attention turned back to him. “I would make bouquets out of wildflowers.”

It wasn’t much of a secret, at least not to him. Everyone who knew him knew that Baby Bonnet played with flowers. But to these men—

“Come on, cap’n,” Roach interrupted. “Make it something good! I already confessed to stealing my neighbor’s knickers.”

Stede blinked. “Oh. Well.” He wound his mind over his memories, looking for something he could share, something he wouldn’t hate himself if they knew.

Not the time he tried on make-up to see how it felt. Not the boys he’d wanted to kiss. Not the fear of his feelings and the confusion and the burying it down below what was proper and decent. Not the way he’d kill that little part of him, but it would always come back like a plague on his heart.

Lucius groaned loudly as he pulled away from Pete’s embrace and looked over his shoulder at them. “Let’s make it easy, m’kay?” He smiled, his already full lips swollen from the attention they’d just received. “Tell them about your first kiss.”

“What? That’s not much of a secret.” Stede frowned. “My first kiss was with my wife, when we were wed.”

The others were silent, while Lucius just kept his coquettish smile in place. “See? It’s a good secret. Knocked them right off their feet.”

“With sadness,” the Swede said from where he was lying on a pile of old ropes.

Stede felt his ears grow warm as he tried to look at anywhere but Ed. His eyes betrayed him, stealing a glance, and found the man’s eyes clearly avoiding his just the same.

“It’s not… sad.” Stede waved a hand and pushed himself up to his feet that felt a bit unsteady beneath him. “It just, I—”

“And how many people have you slept with?” Lucius cut in. His tone was light, but there was something else in his eyes.

There was a strange feeling in Stede’s chest, one he hadn’t felt in quite some time. It was a suffocating tightness, one that held him in place. The one that would hold him still while his father yelled. The one that kept him sitting at his end of the table with only his book for company. The one that told him he’d be nothing.

The smirk on Lucius’s lips fell. “Oh, Captain, I was just. You know. Playing. Having a laugh.” His voice dropped to a hushed whisper. “Please don’t cry.”

Cry.

Cry, Baby Bonnet.

He clenched his fists and tried to stand there, unaffected, but he very much was. He wanted to run and hide, like he always did, but he was just as afraid of moving as he was of staying put.

Then a voice cut in, raised to ensure he could hear it, “Well, I’ve ne’er had a kiss at all.”

Stede blinked as his eyes refocused past the tears to where Ed sat, head turned so it was in profile as he stared at the still ocean.

“So. Y’know, ‘tis what it is,” Ed finished with a shrug of one shoulder. “Don’t mean much.”

The attention shifted away from Stede and onto Ed, and all at once, the tension was gone. Just a few words had lifted the weight off his chest.

He realized in that moment with a sudden euphoria, a light-headed dizziness that threatened to knock him to his knees, what it truly meant to have a lighthouse, to have a beacon that kept you from crashing onto the rocks below.

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📚 view a list of all my current stories!

#our flag means death #ofmd #blackbonnet #gentlebeard #ed x stede #in over his head - blackbonnet ficlets

[blackbutlerfandomnerddomain]

Ebony Black

The ballroom floor was crowded with people dancing as the music play, many party goers buzzed from the cider or drunk off the party's atmosphere. It makes sense for it's a ball celebrating the turning clock of another year of age of one of England's most lovely women.

The very lady of the hour stands still staring out the large glass window of the ballroom, her long wavy locks of golden curls tied up in a gentle curled and rolled up with her long strain rest against the left side of her face, her ears wearing polished pearls much like the many rows around her neck like a tightly snug noose, her gown well kept and not wrinkled in the slightest as she wears her long elegant white gloves and her high heeled shoes peek out under the lace of the skirt just so lightly. Indeed, she has given up her childish short heeled shoes long ago since the whole rumor mill of her engagement cut and the criminal gossip around it. She still can't quite look at the newspaper articles without feeling sick now a days.

"Would you like to dance Lady Elizabeth?"

The voice of a man takes the maiden out her fogged thoughts, her spring green eyes looking to a blond man dressed in a military suit, a cocky grin on his face. With a meek smile, she shook her head, "No thanks. I'm alright right now." She watched as her smile fades as he walks away with a not so hidden scowl. With a sigh she muttered, "Busy bees the lot of them." "My my that's a sudden tongue." Elizabeth whips her head around to see a handsome man with long hair of silver that work well with his beautiful silver coin eyes dressed in fine white with shiny metals on his breasts holding a campaign glass in his black gloved hand. "Grey, hello again." She Elizabeth with a smile and a lighter tone of welcome in her voice for she truly means it as he was simply one of many who have been beside her and her family's side after the whole parade of madness that was the media and trauma.

"Happy birthday My Lady." Said he with a grin that shines, causing a giggle to escape soft pink petal lips. "Thank you so much Charles, you're so sweet." Though the gesture was sweet indeed, Lizzie indeed felt something amidst. "I believe I saw Edward go to the gardens by himself, sure is getting dark-" "I'll go check on him for you."

Lizzie giggles as she watches him hurry out after taking the bait like a bird begging for worms. The two have been painfully obvious for the last few months so it's only natural they see each other away wandering eyes.

She wishes she felt that way again...

As the clock chimes the next hour, Lizzie felt her power hit the bottom of the dance floor. She used to love parties but no they have grown dull. She used to love being a butterfly in center of attention, but now she hated the eyes on her judging her every move awaiting for her to burst. She used to lavish in the moment, but now she just wants to hide away in shame.

Shame of never knowing the difference of her fiance. Shame of "leaving" her fiance and his brother behind. Shame of not once accepting a proposal years later. Shame to have never...accepting that stoic handsome face sooner.

After the entire thing the Midford family worked together with the Phantomhive and Trancy family names as the Queen's Guard Dog and the Funtom business as per pleading request of Lizzie herself. It's honest decent. It distracts her mind and heart from the sudden shift of field. Not at her ex fiance or his twin brother whom she cared for just the same, but to a butler dressed in black with eyes a beautiful red bead color. Lizzie hates herself for thinking of her and him possibly being alone in the garden walks she does when she reads a case. She hates herself for cursing a kiss goodnight from him every night when she feel melancholy. And she hates always thinking on what he said that one day many months ago when he suddenly had to take a leave of absence, his words of confirmation of his much strong affection towards her despite him knowing he can't be with her due to his status as a butler but also as she and her family now know... a demon.

The door open suddenly, the room growing quiet with some whispering murmurs and stares of awe, the sounds of footsteps echoing across the marble floors polish in sparkles as many people stare.

A shadow appears out the ways of the crowd, a shadow of a tall man with hair dark as black combed back and the longer pieces tied back in a bright pink ribbon bow tied tightly dressed in a fine white attire with flares of red and blacks as if the elements were battling right among his skin, a elegant appearance he holds as he's dressed in jewels of many kinds and shiny items that seem like metals if you look closely, his handsome face perfect framed in the shadows and glow of candle lights and the night sky just outside the large bask windows including the large ceiling as his dark eyes shine in a wondrous awe.

With each step he took, his footsteps echo around and into Lizzie's soul as she slowly catches memories of the very man from his gentle smile and that warm glow of his red eyes.

Suddenly, he stops right in front of her and bows much like how a prince does in fairy tale books, his voice deep and gentle, "I am Sir Lord Banishes Calamities, I have came all the way from my homeland to wish you a very happy birthday, dear Lady Elizabeth. And, if you are so kind, I would like to wish you a birthday blessing in a form of a dance if I may so beg?"

Lizzie glanced to her family as her heart swell at the slight plea of his voice, she can tell they know very well who this man is, and she know well that they know her feelings of this moment. She had swore many years ago to never hide from her family again.

So, with a smile, she reaches her hand out and gently took the hand before her. Instantly, the feeling of everyone else has long since disappear from the room. It was just her and him, him and her. Together.

As they dance under the dark sky, Lizzie felt her heart swore in new heights. He may be a demon from Hell, yes, but tell me how she felt like she was in a new found Heaven when she's this close to him.

Her heart swoon more and more with each elegant spin and dip from the mysterious male before her, of course only he can add the flares of the countless fight dances they faced together.

"I must admit, you surprised me." She spoke softly, feeling a drunk flush cover her face in warmth of his senses new her's as her heart beats right against her breast so hard. Sebastian smiles down to her and spins her once more as he speaks low to her, "Well I did say I couldn't be with you due to my status of a butler correct? I figured me showing my status as Lord is more acceptable." Green orbs blink fast as she stares at him, her voice a squeak of shock, "You're a actual Lord?" The demon simple chuckles as he dips her, his face near her neck as if a realistic vampiric creature, the two can simply feel their souls connecting as one as they also hear a new sound...Two hearts beating as one.

Lizzie smiles softly to herself as she gently rubs the golden band coated in a rather large shiny diamond and two rubies and two emeralds on her thin finger. If she could go back and talk with that little girl who made a promise to hide her fencing and be cute and worthy of protecting for the sake of her 8 year old fiance she would happily tell her all the chapters of her engagement and married life of a wonderful man and give birth to their lovely daughter.

The same lovely daughter who stands so still out the largest window of the manor eyeing the road in the front of the courtyard pass the thick floral trees until a black carriage of two come to view. "Mama! Mama! They're here!" Pipped Bell, her seemingly mature appearance shattering into the form of a child in guise of a young teenage lady dressed in dark green as she runs down the halls to the door.

Lizzie giggled and hurried after after she hikes her skirt up to run her flat heeled boots against the floor.

"I feel so terrible. You and I just got wed and I will have to leave you alone."

Lizzie smiled to her new husband, both sitting on a picnic blanket with a bunch of beautifully adorable treats and tea sat ready before the two, the spring sun high above them as she swore a soft yellow gown with short heeled shoes of a pink color and her hair down her back while he wore a simple white button up and black pants with a yellow tie around his neck and dark red vest unbuttoned on his stomach area with his hands and feet bare with his toes buried in the cold water.

Her gentle arms wrap around his strong one and snuggled her face to his shoulder as she speaks, "It'll be alright Sebastian. Obviously you still have your duties as a butler of a Earl Phantomhive. Besides, we'll still see each other when we work on cases and you can visit as much as you may." Sebastian's eyes slowly scan away from his wife, he honestly looks...bashful?

"Yes but...what'll happen if you and I...have a child?"

Two hand held together as they watch the scene unfold of the children talking and bonding as always. Beside on Lizzie's left was Doll, Ciel, and Alois while on Sebastian's right was Hannah and Angela.

"Honestly, I still scratch my head at the idea of what things used to be." Said Doll after looking as Albert and Rachel make flower crowns and place them on both Brair's and Bella's heads. The blond girl couldn't help but giggle in response, "I couldn't agree more. But that's a good thing, yes?"

This is a part two of my previous fic, Angel Belladonna Cake which was written for @sebalizzie, @annoyinglyshinycherryblossom, and @nullb1rdbones

#black butler #black butler au #black butler oc #black butler next gen #sebalizzy #sebastian x elizabeth #charles grey x edward #edward x charles grey #doll x ciel #ciel x doll #ciel x alois #alois x ciel #cielois #doll x ciel x alois #alois x ciel x doll #hannah x angela #angela x hannah #black butler bella #black butler brair #black butler albert #black butler anthony #black butler rachel #SoundCloud #Youtube

[cazzyf1]

My favourite quotes/quotes I found interesting from Niki Lauda - The Art and Technicalities of Grand Prix Driving:

"Völker: Nightmare days of crashes like 1975 Barcelona Grand Prix or the 1976 Nürburgring, when you nearly lost your life, must surely leave a scar on your mind that's so deep that you can't stop thinking about it for a long time afterwards?

Lauda: It shakes me up, it does affect me, but it doesn't unbalance me. I can't allow it to overwhelm me, just as I must not be afraid or worry about it.

Völker: But no man can control his emotions like fear, can he?

Lauda: It's just a matter of will-power. You've got to develop a strong will and stubborn head, as well.

Völker: this stubbornness - does one have it, or does it have to be developed first?

Lauda: You've got it already and you can cultivate it. I can be insanely obstinate and immense egoist as well." - page 15

-

"Völker: Don't you need to do a kind of mental gymnastics to keep such 'evil thoughts' at bay?

Lauda: No. You learn to switch off. I throw a switch in my brain, then I'm a racing driver and nothing else. A racing driver without feelings and hence without fear. Then you drive, and nothing 'occurs' to you. The big problem comes in finding how long it takes to switch back on again - in other words to change back from racing driver to human being again.

Völker: how long does it take you?

Lauda: Relatively little time compared to other drivers. But things do happen that I wouldn't normally do. You meet people over-taunt from the atmosphere of the race, and you don't easily see eye to eye with them. For instance, there was this track official in Canada who panicked when I flew off the track and just kept shouting 'master-switch'. He wanted me to switch off the master switch. I had everything under control, and I told him quite calmly I just wanted to get my helmet off first. At that, the man went off his rocker, grabbed at the car and of course, switched on the fire-extinguisher instead, and that went off. I was so bloody mad I thumped the man with my crash helmet - something I'd never normally so and I'm deeply sorry to have done, but my own mental switch was still pointing 'racing' and not to 'Niki'. Or after the Argentinian Grand Prix: I'm coming out of the drivers quarters with Mariella, and somebody pulls me round and shouts: 'Photo' so I jumped on him as well." - page 18

-

"Völker: Even so you're in the nation's showcase and you must have some influence on your admirers. Do you act accordingly?

Lauda: I try to behave decently. It's easy enough for me as I was well brought up and I'm used to good manners. I won't attract attention by rowdy behaviour or drunknness because I would never behave rowdily and I hardly touch alcohol. And if the journalists go wild because I kiss Princess Grace's hand all I can say is: I thought nothing of it, it struck me as perfectly normal to kiss her hand as that's the way I have been taught." - page 19

-

"Lauda: Monte Carlo is the worst. After the race you get claustrophobic. We had a steel rail left and right of our pits, holding back thousands of Italians whose only desire was to shake my hand, hug me, or pull me apart from sheer excitement. If you don't watch out you'll get torn apart. I had to put up with things there that anybody else would define as bodily assault. For instance somebody snatches my cap. Don't get me wrong - I couldn't care less about the cap, I've given away hundreds of them to people who ask me for them. But in that instant when somebody brutally tugs off your cap you just see red - what gives that bastard the right to treat me like that? Maybe it's the highest token of admiration, I don't care: to me it's assault and theft. In a situation like that at Monaco your only bet is to scream for help and that's just what I did. The mechanics just drove through the mob with a van and literally liberated me." - page 21

-

"Völker: So it doesn't boost your inner ego when people applaud?

Lauda: No, it just embarrasses me." - page 22

-

"Völker: What part does your wife play in your career?

Lauda: I try to keep my career and private life separate as far as possible. In my job that's not always 100 per cent possible, so Marlene does get drawn into the hurly-burly. And she's magnificent at it: and she's a halo and a support to me without coercing me in any way, and that's something that means a lot to me. I found Marlene's attitude after my bad Nürburgring crash in August 1976 particularly splendid: any other wife would have taken the opportunity to talk me out going on racing. Not Marlene! It's largely thanks to her that I got back on my feet again, and there was never a world from her about my giving it all up." - page 24

-

"It is a good thing when my team mates and I are of the same build, so we can swap cars without having to make any kind of adjustments. The bucket seat is adjusted to fit the driver once and for all - and obviously a Hans-Joachim Stuck would not find enough room in a Ferrari marked with the Number 11." - page 50

-

"The oil temperature must not exceed 120 degrees. I did hit record temperature - I would prefer not to reveal just how high they went - at Monza in 1974 when a water hose coupling worked loose." - page 52

-

"We Ferrari men belong body and soul to our engines...I am no less affectionate than the others: I call each new enguine I get 'mio nuovo figlio' - my new son. I do not really care much for technology, but I always end up feeling something like a love-affair for my engine: for instance if I am careless and crash the gears I often feel like driving straight back to the pits and chucking up the whole game, I am so furious with myself." - page 63

-

"Interlagoes is the only Grand Prix track in the world that laves me with neck pains for two days afterwards. Once I found myself doing exercises two weeks before the races to strengthen my neck muscles." - page 127

-

"Monte Carlo: Victory, with knocking knees!" - page 152

-

"Paul Ricard: No problem. I managed to put myself across the finishing line before James Hunt, with a bit of effort." - page 153

-

"Hunt noticed of course that I had hit problems and that was just about the best moral tonic he could have hoped for, and he hounded me pitlessly. Just before the last lap fortune played into my hands a little - fortune in the person of John Watson. On the long straight he was in front of me and I knew: You've got to overtake him and then break whatever happens, so as to put him between Hunt and your car. This hair-raising manoeuver came off, and victory was mine." - page 153

-

"In what follows you will not hear much about emotions, and I think that is quite right too. The movie scenes of racing drivers going off to the start with thumping hearts, meaningful stares into the eyes of their beloved, twitching facial muscles and the like - there just is not any of that to be seen, at least not amongst the men who are really fast." - page 165

-

"As far as I myself am concerned, all I need are the very last few minutes before the race to collect my thoughts, to programme what I am going to do, to throw that switch and concentrate on the job in hand for the next two hours. And if people will not allow me these few moments - when I am already sitting in my car! - then I do tend to snap at them. There was an absolutely ridiculous scene just before the start of Monaco in 1974 - when I was already edgy enough as we had just had the whole circus with the swap over of starting places between Regazzoniand me: I was already sitting in my car, trying to put everything around me out of my mind, when a gaggle of Johnny Walker types in top hats waddled up, posed in front of the TV cameras, rabbitted on about something and roared with laughter - and put their hands on my Ferrari. This is when I blew up and brought my fist down on the fingers of one of them. To fly off the handle like that - in other words, to let your emotions get the better of you - is however one of the rare exceptions." - page 165

-

"So I drop back again like a good boy." - page 202

-

"By top class drivers I think of (in alphabetical order) Fittipaldi, Hunt, Peterston, Reutemann, Scheckter always, and Depailler, Javier, Regazzoni sometimes." - page 206

-

"Many drivers find they are bothered by sweat running into their eyes and inflating them (you cannot rub your eyes because of the visor) I have only heard about the problems, as I myself hardly perspire at all." - page 208

-

"Nature has given me a simple system that is in fact highly professional: because of my buck teeth it is an easy matter for me to breath out in a downward direction!" - page 210

-

"I am never going to let any more race managers blackmail me. There must not be anymore Barcelonas! I have got to say that I regard the men who allowed the race in Japan to proceed as lunatics." - page 220

-

"I am always being asked about 'my favourite race' or my 'favourite track' But I do not have a favourite track, and I do not want to begin thinking in terms of whether I like a particular track or not." - page 220

-

"In fact I was a bit of a physical weakling and I noticed it when I came to drive the Porsche 908 - my arms were not strong enough and I used to get tried very early on. So I made a concerted attack on this weakness; by going to the Fitness Center in Vienna's Kreuzgasse and going in for bodybuilding work there with dumb-bells and everything else they had. I gained twenty pounds in weight - which brought me up to my present ideal weight of 141 pounds (I am 5 feet 9 inches tall). Sometimes I may put on weight during the season to around 150 pounds, and I have to lose them again during the winter training season." - page 222

-

"What matters most for my physical well-being is sleep." - page 222

-

"What would be ideal would be to sleep right through the Monday and Tuesday after that." - page 222

-

"I pay far more attention to getting my proper ration of sleep, and I only go for a daily half-hour run when I do not feel tried any more. As there was scarcely a day in 1975 season that I got all the sleep I needed, I hardly went running at all." - page 222

-

"Obviously I try not to burn the candle at both ends. I do not smoke, never drink - expect for something very small if I am tempted, perhaps twice a year - and I am not a great party goer. On a race weekend I go to the usual Marlborough dinner, but that is all. Nor do I like to go out, it does not do anything for me. I think most of the other Grand Prix drivers like a 'healthy' life as I do, there are not any playboys amongst us - because if you are a playboy you just will not be up to the job. Perhaps in earlier years it was different: there were not so many tests and trials then, and you had more spare time between races. But not now." - page 222-227

-

"My own hobby sport is skiing, and I am quite good at it. But I never really lose my fear of breaking a leg. There is no escape clause in my contract with them, but even so I would not like to see Ferrari's faces if I turned up just before the season began, wearing one leg in plaster. So I make a point of skiing particularly slowly if I can. For a while I manage, then I find myself picking up speed again. What I never do, however, is go skiing if the visibility is poor - then my fear of injury gets the upper hand." - page 227

-

"There is a table-tennis outfit in a hall at our Fiorano test track, and the team go there for a game if we have time to kill. Not that it has done me any good, I am something of a rabbit at table tennis and easy meat for everybody else to beat. I have tried a bit of tennis - for instance in the tranquil days before South African Grand Prix at Kyalami ranch; I liked it a lot and I can well imagine I would like to take it up seriously if ever I should get enough time to do so." - page 227

-

"I have never been badly ill. Since I have been a professional, I have always taken great care not to catch a cold: from washing my hair, right down to the car's ventilation system - I adjust it so that it only gradually cools down. By and large my attitude to my body is this: I try to live sensibly. The doctors tell me that this is the only reason I managed to survive my crash on Nürburgring." - page 227-228

#niki lauda #classic f1 #f1 #formula one #formula 1 #niki quotes #niki lauda quotes #classic f1 books

[spookyboywhump]

It's mostly dialogue I was just throwin shit at the wall and seein what would get finished

CW: past whump, strangulation mention, lots of guilt

***

Alexei had been meeting with Elias more lately. He figured it was good for him, at least it got him out of the house, even if he ended up back in one of those claustrophobic interviewing rooms. They had wanted to speak to him more once he was doing better but he only agreed to do so if he was speaking to Eli. He’d kept in touch with the younger man after returning home, he was really the only contact he had outside of Leon, which his partner encouraged, saying it was good for him to branch out a bit. He’d never really been one for making friends, he intended to keep this strictly business regarding his time in captivity but Eli was easy to talk to, and he found himself getting more and more comfortable around him. He supposed it wasn’t the worst thing that could happen. 

 At some point during their discussion though, there was a knock on the door before it opened. The knock had already startled him but he couldn’t help but shrink back into his seat when he saw the man who stepped into the room. Zander had never done anything to him, he’d barely ever said a word to him in fact, and though Elias seemed to trust him, Alexei just didn't. He had a feeling Zander knew that, as they locked eyes and he barely suppressed a shiver, Alexei glared at him, and the other man quickly looked away. He took that as a good sign, he wanted him to keep his distance, he didn’t want him anywhere near him. 

 He watched him speak to Elias for a moment, though he didn’t even pay attention to what he was saying, just keeping a close eye on him, he noticed how Zander absolutely towered over the smaller man. Alexei didn’t want him near Eli either, but they actually knew each other, and Eli was perfectly relaxed, he was very familiar with him. He supposed he didn’t know the extent of their relationship, and he probably shouldn’t have been so wary of Zander but he couldn’t help it. He was so much bigger than either of them, and he’d seen what he could do, if he wanted to hurt them, grab them, hold them down- they were completely helpless, and Eli was just okay with that. Thankfully, Zander didn’t stay for long, and though he spared another glance at Alexei, he quickly looked away when he left, leaving the two alone, and though he knew it was a detour from what they were supposed to be discussing, Alexei couldn’t help himself.

 "How do you know him?" He asked, moving his hands slowly so Elias could keep up. Once Alexei told him he was picking up ASL to communicate, Eli thought it would be a good idea to learn as well, which he greatly appreciated. He was still learning, but he seemed to be doing a decent job.

 “Zander? I met him on an assignment, he uh… he was like you…” He said slowly, choosing his words carefully. He knew Eli meant well but he would’ve preferred it if he weren’t so cautious, maybe it would get easier to accept if people weren’t so desperate to avoid it. 

  "I know he was, is he…" He paused, not quite sure how to word it before saying, "He’s not dangerous?"

 “What… does that mean?” He asked, and Alexei could tell he’d understood what he signed, but he was trying not to look offended on Zander’s behalf. Maybe that wasn’t the best way he could’ve asked that. 

 "He’s a fighter. I can still see it in his eyes, he stalks around like a predator. Is he not violent?" He asked, and Elias seemed to think it over for a moment, which Alexei didn’t find comforting. He felt like it should’ve been a rather straightforward answer.

 “Does he remind you of somebody?” He asked instead, causing Alexei to freeze. He hesitated, before nodding.

 "He reminds me of him." He said, and thankfully Eli seemed to understand who he meant right away. "I know they don’t look identical, but when I see him from the corner of my eye or from behind… and I know what he’s capable of master… Nicholas took me to the fights sometimes. I watched him. He could be just as brutal as Nicholas was." If he were honest he was surprised they even allowed somebody with his kind of past to work there at all, though he didn’t say that to Eli. He wondered how the other rescues felt about it. 

 “Well… I know that Zander will keep his distance from you if you’re uncomfortable. He looks pretty scary, but he’s certainly not like Nicholas.” He said with a sympathetic smile, trying to assure him. “He’s actually really sweet.”

 "Are you and him together?" He asked bluntly, and Eli reacted quickly, shaking his head though his face went bright red. 

 “N-No! No, no nothing like that! He’s more of my brother than anything really, I just… I spent a lot of time with him, so I know him pretty well. He’d never hurt a fly, really.”

 "I’m certain I watched him break a man’s arm once."

 “He… he would never hurt a fly… of his own volition. Not unless he was made to. Actually, the only people I ever saw him hurt because he wanted to were people like Nicholas- oh he absolutely hated him, he bit him the first time we met him!” He laughed, Alexei’s eyes going wide. For one thing, only an absolute idiot would do something like that, but also, Elias had never mentioned meeting Nicholas before. 

 "You met him?" He asked quickly, having to sign it again slowly when Eli didn’t understand. He didn’t say anything at first, Alexei could practically hear the gears in his head turning as he realized he’d said something he hadn’t meant to, and Alexei wasn’t going to let him back out of it. "Tell me how you met him." He said, and the look on his face and sharpness of his movements conveyed it was a demand rather than a request. After taking some time to think it over, Elias sighed, leaning back in his chair. 

 He explained the initial assignment first- upon telling him he volunteered all Alexei could do was frantically sign stupid, stupid, stupid!- which helped explain just how he met Zander in the first place. He didn’t go into too much detail, but he did say that his owner was close to Nicholas and that was how they met, the two men left alone with him unfortunately often. 

 "I’m so sorry…" He said, he couldn’t help but scowl. "I hope he wasn’t too terrible." He said, and Elias laughed.

 “He fucking sucked but I don’t think we got the worst of it. He was such a fucking creep though.” He said, shuddering, and Alexei arched his eyebrows.

 "What do you mean by that?"

 “He was just… creepy. He uh… he liked me a lot more than he liked Zander… or anybody else it seemed…” He said, and Alexei found he didn’t like the sound of this at all. “He… told me I… I looked like you, actually…” He said quietly, and Alexei swore he was going to be sick. He didn’t like the feeling he got in the pit of his stomach, he was disgusted with Nicholas, disgusted that he would go after another young man like that, it bothered him knowing Elias was definitely younger than he was, but somewhere in there, as much as he hated to admit it, was a sharp pang of jealousy. After breaking him, after using him and throwing him away, Nicholas was just going to replace him, with a younger, prettier look-alike. Oh he could’ve killed that man. He took a deep breath to calm himself, he should’ve dropped the subject entirely but he couldn’t help himself.

 "What did he call you?" He asked.

 “Huh…?”

 "He doesn’t use names. What did he call you?"

 “He… he always called me love…” He looked uncomfortable admitting that, Alexei couldn’t exactly blame him. 

 "I’m sorry… he really is disgusting…" He said, trying not to get too angry. He wished more than anything he could get his hands on Nicholas, but he knew that really, if he ever saw him again, he probably wouldn’t be able to even get near him. 

 “He is… I… I’m really sorry you dealt with him for so long…” He said, seeming unsure of what he should be saying. “He… um, Zander… he’s not like him, though…” He started, but Alexei quickly shook his head.

 "You might trust him, Eli, but I don’t. Not after what I saw him do, not after I saw him smiling and laughing after strangling a man. He reminds me of that bastard too much." He told him. He could tell he was disappointed, but Elias didn’t seem like he was going to push it much further, which he was grateful for.

 “Alright… I want you to feel safe whenever you come around, so it’s really not a problem.” He told him. 

 "Thank you." He told him, allowing himself to relax at least a little bit. 

 They tried to get back on track after that, Alexei wouldn’t let it show on his face just how bothered he really was. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Eli had said about Nicholas, about the way he’d treated him. It was absolutely horrible, he almost felt protective towards the younger man, but still that awful, sickening sense of jealousy was still there, and it just made him disgusted with himself. 

 By the time he finally left to return home, when Leon was there to get him, he’d become much more withdrawn than he already was, more than he had been when he’d left the apartment that day. He was quiet by default now but he kept his hands still, if Leon noticed he didn’t say anything. He likely noticed, he noticed everything, but he knew when to leave things alone. Alexei didn’t really know if that was for the best or not, he knew he was supposed to “open up” to him but some things he felt were better off kept inside, even if it made him sick just to acknowledge.

 Thus far, Leon hadn’t judged him, hadn’t gotten angry at him for any of the things he told him, but Alexei had already convinced himself that if anything would upset him, this would be the one. That slightest bit of jealousy was certainly smaller than everything else he felt, but the fact it was there at all was too much in his opinion, and he wondered just what was wrong with him that he’d feel that way to begin with. 

 The guilt weighed on him so heavily that after arriving home that evening, he took extra care to avoid any mirrors in the apartment. He was so disgusted he couldn’t even look at himself. 

#my writing #my oc's #wren #zander #nicholas #alexei #i just wanted him and wren to talk a lil bit #and i wanted to write more from his pov #and his issues with zander

[archive-of-note]

So today has been no bueno.

I slept most of it away (unintentionally)

Read two fics that made me feel too much.

Left the news on for background noise out of habit and I’m a queer that lives in Florida, so you can imagine the sort of stress I am under.

And it’s termite swarming season so I have to keep a lint roller near by at all times.

Fell asleep again, sad. Woke up again, slightly less sad.

Then this happened.

@oonajaeadira I love Patrico and I love you but you must also understand that I am unwell.

@blueeyesatnight Your writing is good your characterizations feel natural and consistent, and I’m the one who should be buying a rainbow wig for not realizing how much of a mess would be made when the other shoe dropped.

Anyway, here’s sm fic of Blue’s That’s Not Your Name, because I don’t have anyone I can cry too about everything making me sad at once so we have to break up the self soothing measures into chunks.

WC:??? Who is that? (All spelling and grammatical mistakes are my own, I don’t Beta)

(A PATS/GTTT fic didn’t/isn’t happening because… well I don’t think I could appropriately handle the very delicate balance that has been created)

here we go

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You think you and Pi handle the drive back to the apartment quite well.

Even with twice as many stops then when you drove to the hotel.

Pi falls asleep halfway there, exhausted from his crying and your yelling and the suffocating silence that attempts to smother both of you in the car.

This is for the best.

You’d put up with way more of Dee’s shit then you had any right too. You didn’t just give him an inch, you gave him miles and still he just took and took and took.

Part of you wishes you’d punched him.

Not once in the eight years that you’ve had Pi had he ever acknowledged that he was your boy’s father.

Not once.

It bothered you, saying it didn’t would be a lie and you’re too damn tired to ignore it anymore.

But you held it together, because he was “Dieter Bravo”, and you were just a store clerk who knew him when he was a kid.

“I told her… about… Pi.”

You grit your teeth as the tears start building up again.

That’s the real kick in the teeth. That he told her after two years, when you’d been grinning and bearing his denial, his absence, his ineptitude, for eight.

You’ll acknowledge that there might be a bit of hero worship on Dee’s end, and Christ he never once mentioned that he OD’d during quarantine.

You grip the wheel even tighter.

Damn near a decade with Pi and the near thirty years before that.

Your throat tightens.

You need to pull over.

There’s a gas station coming up and you need to stop again. This day has been shit enough as it is and you don’t need to add a sobbing induced fender bender to the list.

It’s nasty. Piles of trash balled up in the corners by the curb, something that looks like roadkill, definitely a broken needle.

You just need a minute, maybe two.

Cracking all the windows, you stop the car and get out. You close the door as softly as possible as to not wake up Pi, as long as he’s sleeping he isn’t crying, and you’re barely holding it together as is. He didn’t do anything wrong and you need to take all the time you can to get yourself together.

It’s all your fault after all.

You kept letting Dee in because you’d hoped that he’d step up, he didn’t have to be a great father, he just had to be decent. Some birthdays, a few holidays, maybe a game or two if he could squeeze it, and some money for school and as a cushion wouldn’t have hurt either.

You cut off your own sob, making it more of a wheeze so as not to wake up Pi or pick up any attention.

You should have dropped Dee years ago, changed your number or ignored his calls, changed your locks and hide the spare key somewhere else.

That would have been the smart thing to do, that would have been the less stressful thing to do.

But you knew him for too long, known too much.

Knew that behind the idiotic, selfish, substance abusing douchebag that was and is Dieter Bravo, there was a smart, genuine, decent person.

Diego Baltra had been your best friend, and you hoped that he was still in there, somewhere.

A snotty sniff, a cracking exhale, and a small burst of self deprecating laughter later, you clap your cheeks.

Count your breathes.

Straighten your spine.

And get back in the car.

A quick glance at Pi and you know he’s awake, just pretending to sleep, but you let him, because you need it too.

With another shaky breath you start the car, and pull out of the parking lot.

#dieter bravo #archive-of-note #fic of a fic

[mrfandomgage]

Everything has been getting harder and harder to live with.

Days feel the same in some way, everything feels ok, I'm not in a lot of physical pain. So why can't I feel happy? Why can't I feel loved? Why does everything still feel so useless?

I've been having a harder and harder time writing, I would've quit playing video games if it weren't for streaming (check out my twitch, AverageGoatMan, playing Omori and Ultrakill recently, fun games), it's been hard to get up as of late, I feel like everything I liked about anything is just not worth it.

It's not like I don't want to do things but any sense of accomplishment just melts away. I was never able to really hold too much pride in myself, I mean, what do I have to be proud about? I played a video game well? I got a minimum wage job? I can draw characters decent enough to not look like absolute shit? I can feel some sense of accomplishment in these, but really it feels like everything around me wouldn't care for it. I lost a friend, not that they're dead, but they straight told everyone they knew that they're abandoning everyone they knew or became friends with... that last conversation with them broke me further down honestly. I can't tell if the things they said were to piss me off, or make me hate them, or at the very least make me distance myself from them. Nope. I feel mangled. They tried their best to make me not like them, tried their best to make me let things lie. Sucks for them, I want to know everything I can, push someone's mentality to the edge where they can't lie, dig into them so I can really understand. They made themselves my friend so I was worried for them, now it feels like another part of me died while I'm supposed to carry on. Couldn't have known em for even a year, but they did so much for me and my other friends online. The bastard... I can't tell if i should be crying, laughing or be mad.

I turned off my emotions just to actually talk it through, and to the end, I couldn't handle what I was processing, I let what I was keeping back come through, I couldn't see my screen. This was someone that hung out and made everything better. He helped me acknowledge times I fucked up, we did quite a bit together looking back on it. His final wish for me was that I would get better...

I've grown an intense fear of abandonment before this, so this announcement in general made every little thing in me rip open. Trying to forget him as he told me to when he wished for me to get better, for when he was a great friend and community member, even if he... he did a lot to help, he made his own community as well, and they were sad for him to go.

I never learned how to grieve. Family members died and I just let them pass. I nearly laughed at my mom's own funeral because I couldn't accept it, and I still can't. I still miss my mom.

I was a shy kid. Growing up I had a hard time talking to people (probably cause I only learned I'm autistic after 18 fucking years of my life, thanks mom), making friends, being around others. I got jealous of how easily my little sibling made friends with other kids, I was also scared. In Middle School, I was bullied to a point where I stopped feeling much of anything, my older brother destroyed my sense of self importance, others would argue, bicker, and fight over anything, so those I did grow attached to, I became clingy towards, they were the only people I really trusted with exposing myself emotionally to, not even family, not even my mom. I became depressed and in pain in that time, I guess my anger was also a cry for help, because I just needed any attention, from anyone. So having people that were my friends, they gave me attention and I was ok being a bit more honest with them. Yeah, that was nice, but it became a major problem with me. I was so abrasive towards others, I started trying to push them all away, and keep those I liked close enough for me to tolerate their existence. It worked... I kept who I wanted to keep while damaging a bunch of potential relationships, and even harmed those friends I had in the first place.

Later in life I noticed what I was doing and I was scared of losing them all, in fact, this fear had to kick off hard and tear me open near immediately, because not only did my mom die, not only did our beloved pets die, not only did family stop contacting us, but as well, a friend of mine (that I made up with several times now, and even hung out with again) left me in this state of disrepair and let me brake down further. At this time in my life I had been at one of my worst points. I was in such a state of disrepair that I got an artist to block me on all socials, if you guys see Kryptsune, tell her I'm sorry, and what she did was 100% justified. I only acted for myself without care of others at the time. You're a great artist and I only perpetuated that Spyro joke because I've made a nasty mental habit to hurt the people I love. I know you'll never see this message, but at least it's there, you never have to forgive or forget it. I know I won't.

In short. I just want to feel better, but I can't afford a therapist.

#again #kryptsune #sorry for bothering you #have a good day

[lesucremygic]

In The Face of Nostalgia

You know that feeling sometimes when you have a lot of things going on in your life but during the whole time you can barely take a breath to yourself or even get a decent sleep? Everything looks like they are built in gray mundane colors, they feel like crushing your whole body down with the amount of force that feels like it could annihilate your breath away altogether.

At least that was how I felt at the start of that weekend. 

The whole week was exhausting. I was almost giving up at the intensity of all the things thrown at me. Work just pissed me off, and that weekend was the only time I felt it was possible to center my whole being back, well at least maybe some of them, before starting another excruciating one in front of me. 

But my hopes just shattered away.

I didn’t know what drove me to become so annoyed that weekend. I was already too weary to go on with life but the cherry on top was when my dad asked me to go with him to visit  Grandma. I was sure I was about to blow up right there and then.

But I didn’t, I went with him instead. Visiting my sweet, sweet Grandma. 

On the whole way there, I was trying to put up a good front for my dad even though I wasn't really present at the moment. Because to be honest, I’m still bitter about the fact that I had to spend my Sunday, the only day off I have for the whole week, at a relative’s instead of having a maximum day recharging my energy goofing off with friends.

Or just be with myself. Doing whatever I want to.

But for the sake of having a civil day with my dad, I chose to not show my annoyance and could only repress them to the back of my head. To be honest, sometimes I don’t think I ever really put myself before anyone else, the more baffling thing is, I have no idea why I did that and that weekend was no exception. 

The whole way there was quite excruciating since my brain only kept on thinking about the endless possibilities I could do instead, if in some wild scenario this visit is postponed. But being a little devil that my brain is, I was suddenly graced by the memories of how I usually visit Grandma with my mother. When she was still making me feel like a little kid by trailing over her and also a big boy at the same time since I could be of use, actually enjoying every single time the whole way from our own house to Grandma’s. 

The stark contrast of those little flashbacks and my predicament back then being forced to go with Dad gave me a lot of mixed feelings. It might be because Grandma is someone who has been associated with the presence of my own mother her whole life, so I got a lot of flashbacks on how it used to be when she was still with us or it's just time demanding my attention.

I can suddenly remember of how her warm presence and little laughs acted like a splash of  color on my bare canvas.

Funny thing, memories are. They could open a gate to a flood of emotions we never knew existed at the first place, or just brutally made us confront the ghost of the past.

The moment we got there however, all of my vile thoughts of ditching this trip instantly flew out of my head. I was grazed by the warmest smile once I greeted and kissed Grandma’s dainty hand to give the utmost respect to the weary years before and ahead of her. The familiar shade of warm blue suddenly filled the whole canvas, something that made me realize that maybe sometimes, I can get trapped in my own head while ignoring the bigger warming picture in front of me.   

Her warm welcoming comfort, inexplicably, made me a little bit ashamed of how I reacted before on the way to her house. These little moments where we’re always welcome at her humble abode, under her careful care, these little moments I should’ve cherished more even when Mom is here. 

To some degree, I think it’s true when people say that you can only deeply understand gratitude when those precious things are already lost from your hold. 

Like a little tradition whenever we’re visiting, Grandma always offers us a big full meal where we usually have them in the traditional kitchen of the house. A simple, warm and very much functioning part of the house even when time has visibly engraved its marks on them. It wasn’t exactly a room, more like an open part of the house where it has a roof and you can see that it is connected to the backyard where a small garden is still standing in its full glory.

The most distinctive feature of the kitchen is probably the stove. The one adding extra warmth in the cold kitchen. The low burn of the woods there spread out a different type of warmth to the whole kitchen and to my own core. Grandma still uses a furnace stove to cook daily. The dishes cooked there could sometimes make you taste a little bit of the rich aroma of burning wood. The flavor of where time graced its mark.

But even so, there was also a gas stove, a token from the present that made its way into her life.

We usually will have a meal after settling ourselves and things down. In the middle of all that, Dad was having a conversation with Grandma on the long bench and a rackety dining table, surrounded by the familiarity of home.

I can faintly hear the crowing of roosters she kept near the kitchen, the quiet squeaks of trees outside and the hushed voices of their conversation when it suddenly occurred to me how enamored I was with the sight.

How their gazes were still full of respect and warm gratitude towards each other, how envious I was with the way they still take a good care of each other even though the person who brought them together is no longer sitting in between us to share the same laughter and weary tales of life. 

Having to witness how Grandma could be a little bit slow whenever she’s trying to process the funny anecdotes Dad usually made, a jokester he is, and the smiles they exchanged between each other, having to witness all that made my heart ache. 

Just a little.

But it was aching so blatantly, I can’t help but to feel it raging. Along with the regret of how badly I reacted before we got to her house. Even though I’m the only one who knows about that specific internal battle, it still made me feel bad.

Because I regretted not cherishing these moments years and years before when it was still the four of us exchanging the family tradition together. When there wasn’t any blank spot in the intimacy of the moment. When I could still look at the three important figures in my life giving me each their own version of fond smiles to me.

If only I could realize it sooner.

Even so, with all of my regrets, I’m still grateful for being graced with an epiphany at the time. Because then I can finally reminisce about the beauty of the past, to bask in the calm buzzing of nostalgia in my head.

To breathe a little bit in ease.

In an instant I captured this one moment, storing it in the gallery of my collective photographic memory so I can finally cherish them, some days when I feel like life brings me down low with it. 

To have my little bubble of comfort safe within me as one of my most prized possession.

L.

To a friend of mine, I wish I could explain them a little bit more better about the beautiful moment you wished for me to narrate. Thank you for trusting me to write this precious memory.

May you find your path in life and live them to the fullest. To a great years ahead of you, happiest belated birthday.

[marie-dufresne]

This week’s Prompt Roulette night at Starbucks with @novahstrife! Enjoy these 20min ficlets once again 💖 

Characters: Heidegger & Cloud Prompt: Boss & Employee

What a pain. He hated this uniform. How was he supposed to blend in when every move he made in this thing sent electric chills up his spine?

“…alright! Don’t be late!”

Huh? Cloud looked around at the now empty locker room, not quite remembering the instructions he’d just been given by his ‘commander’. Well, fake it till you make it, as the kids say. All he had to do was get himself on that cargo ship. That was simple enough.

On the empty street, he realized he didn’t know where the cargo ship was.

It must have been obvious how lost he was, given directions by another infantry foot soldier, and before long, he was with his unit, standing at attention, awaiting orders. Damn, he hated orders. He wasn’t getting paid enough for this shit.

But he had to know. He had to understand Sephiroth.

It was strange standing in front of Rufus ShinRa, the young man having no idea who he was. Comical, even. Rufus struck him as the type of person who prided himself in being ever alert to his enemies, yet here was Cloud Strife, doing a ridiculous dance in front of him and he was none the wiser.

Beside the president was Heidegger, robust and proud, giving Rufus little jabs with his elbow as the soldiers performed, letting out some gya ha ha ha for good measure.

“What did I tell you, Mr. President?” he boasted, the belt that strained under his belly jingling like some anti-Santa Claus. “Only the finest for you!”

Cloud missed a step, turned the wrong way.

Damn. Damn. He hadn’t meant to. He remembered it, had been performing on autopilot How had that happened? This wasn’t the time to single himself out.

It didn’t seem to affect the president’s judgement of the presentation and with a little flip of his hair, gave them a half-assed ‘well done’, and boarded the ship without another word.

Phew. That was close.

Heidegger, however, wasn’t quite through with him. With one meaty fist, he snatched Cloud by the collar, holding him up in the air and ignoring the pleas from his wife to let the young man down.

It was a mere thread of patience that kept Cloud calm. Patience and a lack of a decent weapon. He was no match for Heidegger right now, not if he wanted his friends to board the ship safely. If anything, this was buying them time. He remained silent, a facade of obedience.

“Darling please,” the blonde woman coaxed, “can you imagine the pressure these men were under to please Rufus?”

Heidegger’s mouth curled up into a snarl, his beard twitching and his bushy brows falling low over his narrow eyes.

“Embarrass me like that again you fool and you’ll be eating the chocobo shit off my boots.”

Cloud let out a little breath of air from his nose. “Maybe you should watch where you step then.”

With an enraged snarl, he was hurled into the metal beast of a ship.

“Change of plans,” the Director said, thundering over and lifting him by the back of his uniform with far too much ease. This guy would give Barret a run for his money in hand to hand combat.

“You’re coming with us and you’re going to be scrubbing everyone’s shit.”

His voice softened, just a hair and he turned to his wife, still holding Cloud as if he was nothing more than a sack of laundry.

“Sweetheart, Tseng will take you to Costa in the chopper.”

As he watched the metal planks swaying beneath him, Cloud allowed himself to breathe. This was one way to board the ship.

Characters: Zack & Barret Prompt: Vampire AU

Trembling and weak, Zack Fair stumbled through the woods. He was on the run, or the hobble, as the case was currently, a silver arrow in his thigh. At least it was an arrow, not a musket ball.

Catching his breath, he rested against a tree, wrapping his fingers around the arrow again, closing his eyes to count. He could just…yank it out. But then his palm sizzled and smoked and though he tried to withstand the pain just long enough to remove the poison from his leg, it won and he released it, collapsing to the ground with his palm open, watching as the smoke died away and the burnt flesh returned to its original state. Pale, veiny, unnatural.

“Hojo…” he gasped, “…what did you do to me?”

The pain in his leg spread, past his knee, down his shin and he knew he wouldn’t be able to stand on it. Hojo’s cronies would be on him any moment to drag him back to that dungeon, to educate him on his new form, to indoctrinate them into their army of the undead.

Footsteps approached and he heard the cocking of a firearm. That was almost a relief. He probably looked like a nightmare, but at least whoever had come up on him didn’t belong to the ShinRa manor. They didn’t use weapons any longer.

“Are you friend or foe?”

A gruff, masculine voice. Zack didn’t have the strength to look for the person the voice belonged to, but he sounded strong. He sounded dangerous. Maybe he’d kill him and give him peace.

“I don’t know,” Zack admitted weakly.

In his heart, he was a friend. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. He was champion of the downtrodden, laughter for his friends, and a listen ear to those who needed.

His stomach, however, said otherwise. He could smell the blood inside this man’s veins. He could practically taste it, the image was so vivid. Perhaps for…just a sip…he could find the strength the silver was robbing him of.

“My name is Barret Wallace. An’ I got kids with me so I’m gonna ask you again: are you friend or foe?”

Kids. The humanity in Zack took the wheel. He wouldn’t hurt kids. He didn’t even want to scare them, so he lifted his hand gingerly, waving them away.

“…Vampire…” he whispered, “go. I don’t want to…”

“Vampire?” Barret slung his weapon over his shoulder, taking a look at the arrow in the man’s leg. “Yeah we got plenty o those ‘round here. We ain’t scared of you.”

“Nope,” came the voice of a little girl, “Lady Marie protects us from Vampires.”

Zack laughed, relaxing. Relaxing or giving in to the silver, he wasn’t sure. “Must be some tough Lady…can't imagine that.”

Without a word, Barret stomped over, yanking the arrow from his leg and slipping it into his belt, From his other shoulder, dropped a boar into the leaves.

“Not yer drink of choice, I know, but I think you know why I ain’t about to be carryin’ a vamp around my neck. I can always catch another boar.”

Already Zack felt stronger and he lifted himself onto his elbows, taking in his rescuer and the two small children that stood off to the side behind him. He didn’t want to hurt these people…but he would. If he lost control, he would. If he ate, he’d have too much power for them.

“Eat the damn pig,” Barret said, giving it a little kick. “The castle ain’t far from here.”

“I won’t become a danger to your lady,” Zack declined, scooting back, “it’s not the sort of man I was, but my new nature is…unpredictable…humans are not safe. You need to go.”

The little girl stepped forward, crossing her arms, her eyes lighting up. “Oh. Lady Marie is not a human. A little gent like you couldn’t hurt her.”

With blue eyes sparked with question, Zack furrowed his brow, turning to Barret and the large man crouched on the ground, lifting the boar and dropping it into Zack’s lap with an emphatic thud.

“She’s a vampire queen. An’ she’ll train you up right.”

Zack turned his attention back the way he came and sighed, looking down at the boar. What an impossible choice.

Give himself back up to the mad doctor and the Vampire Lord…or submit himself to an unknown queen?

There would be no winning for him.

Characters: Loz & Rude Prompt: Marriage Proposal

“Come on, old man, what are you waiting for?”

Rude looked at the petite ring and its solitary stone, nestled comfortably in a small box. Would she even like it? Tifa wasn’t…she wasn’t the sort of woman who liked these frivolous displays of affection or extravagant expenditures. They were all trying to rebuild the world. Focusing on themselves like this…would she approve?

Next to him, Loz threw his arm around him, goading him. He was antsy today and looking to spar. At twenty, he still had too much juvenile energy to expend.

“I’m…not sure.”

With an exaggerated sigh, the silver haired boy threw his head back against the headrest of the car he was driving, pulling his arm back. They were partners today, as they so often were. Ever since the triplets’ little…episode, they’d been working closely with the TURKs as penance, but oftentimes it just felt like surveillance.

At least Kadaj got to hang out with Reno. He was fun.

“She’ll say yes. She’s always had the hots for you.”

Rude adjusted his shades, looking out the window of the passing wasteland. They were almost back in Edge.

He didn’t doubt his relationship with Tifa. There had always been something there, for the both of them. It was the reason he never seemed to succeed in his missions that put her in danger. It was the reason she went soft on he and Reno after Midgar fell. After The Reunion, they’d both finally put the skirting flirtations aside and went on a date.

And by date, he meant they traveled the city together, collecting victims of Geostigma and leading them to the healing waters. If Rude hadn’t been in love before, watching her care for strangers with such tenderness, holding their oozing hands with reassurance as they stepped into their salvation…

Well shit, he sure fell in love then.  

It had been two years since then. He’d even moved into her apartment above the bar. He wasn’t there often, as Rufus, the WRO, and this menace of a remnant kept him away from home more than he would like, and though he was confident in their relationship and her fidelity of body and soul, he wasn’t sure if she trusted him enough for marriage. What if she wanted an escape hatch?

He wouldn’t blame her. He’d committed many sins in his life.

“You’re too old to keep wondering. Just ask.”

“I’m thirty-five.”

Loz shrugged, taking a turn far too sharply. Driving a car was a work in progress. Motorcycles were so much easier to handle.

“I’m just saying. Don’t be like my pops. He was in his sixties by the time his balls were big enough to ask Mama to marry him.”

If Rude’s smiles were visible, one might have caught one here. Yes, the gossip of the ever love-shy Vincent Valentine had been legendary in the office. It had been so fantastical, in fact, that many of the TURKs didn’t believe there ever had been a Vincent Valentine or a Marie Hojo.

Damn had they been proven wrong.

“…I…won’t wait until I’m sixty.”

#aaaahhhh Loz and Rude bonding. I love it #Hojosynthesis #barret wallace #loz #Zack Fair #cloud strife #heidegger #Heidegger ffvii #ff7 #ff7 fanfic #ffvii #ffvii fanfiction