Why do I miss you when I shouldn't? What have you done to my soul that I think of you like this? Have you enchanted me without me knowing? Was it your soulful eyes or perhaps that melancholic smile? I'm drawn to you and I can't explain it. Do you think of me too and that's what I am feeling?
e.v.e.
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another year is ending and I want you to know that it is okay if you:
have not healed from the things that happened/did not happen from six months ago. just because the year is ending it does not mean your grief is too.
don't have any "fun" NYE plans to ring in the new year. this life is yours to live across days and months and years, and you can celebrate days other than the ones heavily marketed and shoved down your throat to shroud you in severe FOMO.
have no resolutions or goals for 2024 laid out in elaborate lists or shared on social media or with your friends. you are braving through this life trying to do your best every day and hold the fort and so of course you know, deep down you know what is needed from you for you going forward and of course you are going to work in that direction. good luck love.
have not become a "better" version of yourself by any of the tangible or conventional measures. that kind of bettering is mostly to serve others, not yourself.
are not happy with yourself/your life as it is now. you're a work-in-progress, remember? and if you're progressing in a direction you do not like, then it's time to change the blueprints and the strategy.
take time off social media around this time to protect your mental health and whatever little joy you have managed to keep.
don't want to spend too much time reflecting on how this past year went and doing various forms of 2023-wrapped. again, it's your life. you can also revisit this year in memories and pictures and feelings whenever you'd like. it's not like you don't still visit 2012, 2017, and 2022, right?
feel disconnected from your friends, family, lover. I know this is "ideally" a time to be celebrated with your loved ones. but life is not ideal, is it? it's just life. and if right now you are not feeling the love, the joy, or just don't have the headspace or social energy to engage , that's alright.
are finding comfort in simpler things like a TV show from the 90s or that book you first read at sixteen or that slice of strawberry cake or a random post like this you come across.
don't feel hopeful, encouraged, or excited for 2024. given everything that's happened in the last couple of years, on the macro and micro level, it's only natural for you to feel weary as well as wary. when the good things happen, when the healing happens, when things begin working in your favour over time, you will automatically feel all those things. it's okay if until then you choose to be neutral.
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Missing you hits me at odd times,
when I least expect it to,
when my mind wanders away,
over the horizons in distance;
with no means of control,
I give in, to those feelings of emptiness,
and let myself transcend continents,
to be where you might be,
perhaps sooner rather than later.
- DG
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the earth wrote stories of you.
your hand in mine, our lips together, my hands on your waist, sliding down your thighs in reverent awe, breath passing between us full of love and lust and hope and forever.
you were written for me, and i'll hold you tightly in gratitude.
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———
C. A. Singh • The world is still here (I know because I can see it)
3-6-24
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Will I ever possess the softness I pretend to have?
— Fray Narte
Gif from: Stealing Beauty (1996) // Dir. Bernardo Bertolucci
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And at the end,
I suffer the fate
of meeting my own self,
a
thousand
times
over
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whispering
The white butterflies, those
Heart-shaped sweets
And my daughter - the one my body
betrayed - her precious hands
The moment's creatures, all
Strands in my braid
I do remember dreams
My hair does sometimes
Cover my face, and yet
Space can only follow time
One way, not another
So who am I to
Keep looking behind
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Let's fall in love
and live our days
as if they were our last
and as we grow old together
and until the end of life
be assured that to betrayal
I will remain like water to oil
for loyalty is to my nature
as a wolf is to its flock
--- h.harouche
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bittersweet is the place
where we rest our sore feet
after dancing all night
with a bottle of
serotonin,
oxytocin,
endorphins,
dopamine
risky and raw
on your cousin’s kitchen floor,
a place where
your hands find its way
to the arch of my back,
with you whispering,
“I can’t breathe”,
only for me to catch you smiling.
bittersweet is how
you tell me you admire
everything about me
in between
inhales and exhales,
sounding like a drunk person
eager to have the next sip.
bittersweet is when
that bottle is empty
and all that’s left
of the bottles are wines and whiskeys
and more nightcaps to sip out,
what we both do not want
to take away–
like the night
and the memories combined
and the love that grew bitter
and sour
like the colors of wine.
bittersweet is when you love me
and i love you
and we still couldn’t be together.
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Love is many things but it is also an agreement where both parties state their needs, their expectations, their limits. Both must be honest with each other and themselves, and go in with eyes wide open. Things must be talked out loud, and not assumed. Hurts must not be allowed to fester and anything that bothers or upsets you must be brought out to the light even if it is difficult. Communication must always remain open and vibrant for change is inevitable and these conversations must be had constantly. If there comes a time you cannot come to an understanding then please part before bitterness and hurt take over and obliterate every good memory from both of your hearts. Love is an agreement, a pact, a promise, something that must be held in reverence and honored by those involved.
e.v.e.
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What it means to go easy on yourself
When you are having a hard time, the way you can go easy on yourself is by allowing yourself to be instead of trying to find answers to everything right away and fix things as if there are instant solutions to such deep-rooted problems and patterns.
Going easy on yourself does not mean indulging in self-destructive behaviour that will make you feel good for maybe a few hours or desperately seeking instant gratification in any way and form you can find.
It means not jumping to conclusions or thinking too deeply or forcing yourself to figure it all out. It means eating well, getting enough sleep, brushing your hair, and having fruit.
It means laughing with a friend, going for a walk or lying down on the cool marble floor in Shavasana. It means constantly filling your bottle of water and carrying it everywhere with you and reading good books the ones that give you some comfort and leave you with a sense of warmth and hope.
It means engaging yourself in things that allow you to breathe a little better as you do all the functional things life is demanding out of you, like work and chores.
Going easy on yourself during such times means you don’t take yourself so seriously because that is the quickest way to skinny dip in rabbit holes and camp there for extended periods. It also means that you say no to things and people who make you feel anxious, conscious, and uneasy. Yes, you should step out of your comfort zone and push yourself and all that but there is a time and place for that. And when you’re feeling such heaviness of being, that is not it.
Not demanding more from yourself, not caving into the demands of others, not using your sadness and pain as an excuse to fall back on maladaptive coping mechanisms, not getting existential about everything — that’s what it means to go easy on yourself. So, please, do go easy.
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You talk about your day, spilling little details,
about the various nuances throughout,
and I get lost, not fully comprehending yet grateful,
to be in your company, within your proximity.
Your eyes sparkle with enthusiasm, while you bombard me with jargons,
and I listen intently, responding where I can and where I should,
tethering you to go on, as I get even more mesmerized.
- DG
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i am going to plant seeds under every inch of your skin with my lips, my hands shielding you from the harsh world. i think i want nothing more than to be your elements, your sun, your rain, your clouds. i think i want to watch flowers bloom from your heart, leaves waving when you smile, while i sit and think you are the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
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———
C. A. Singh • How To Age
2-24-24
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empathy in c minor
pleading can you hear
i'm
in the wrong bath, i stare off like a soliloquy
pacing hallways and kitchens
i have a voice, somewhere i know
but i lost it in the mirror
the Most Capable of sharing songs and art
(nothing more)
how do i say to you i'm unwell, sick
like a natural spring, without
folding my arms, leaning back
crossing legs, measuring wingspans
how do I say say say
King Night is here, asking me to be a person
when it matters less
How do I function? Buy groceries?
Talk on the phone?
how do i live in my Name? with it,
bastard thing conjoined to my hip
radiation and coat racks labelled poetry
I'm breathing a spark of fire that never lights
and I am to the rain a dancer interrupting her landing
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