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#Infertility
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line-boy · 2 days
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figmentforms · 10 months
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AToTR update will be a few days late
Sorry about this again. I got more bad news from the doctor and as a result I have really struggled to focus and I’ve gotten behind on my work.
Look for it around the 4th, hopefully it will be done sooner though. Thank you all so much for your on-going patience and kindness. <3
If people want to know details, I’ve put them below a “keep reading” line because medical stuff is understandably icky sometimes and I also talk about my bad feels with it and that’s... that’s kinda a lot. For those concerned, my life isn’t in danger. The removed tumor is still diagnosed as not cancer. It just did a lot of damage and I have a few more surgeries and drugs and a gamble to make and I’m freaked out about it.
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 So the tumor destroyed both my fallopian tubes and now I’m going to need a few more surgeries to either: A-try to repair them, or B- remove them. One has fluid in it and that will poison the womb if I try to do IVF, so at least one tube will probably have to be chopped out. Not sure about the other yet. Plus IVF egg retrieval is intense too (They knock you out and jab you with a big needle for every egg they take out) and I’m weary of the drugs I would have to take for it too (self injecting hormones in my tummy to get multiple eggs ready to harvest. With my medical history, these hormones could give me a stroke). ON TOP of that, I’m not even sure if my womb is even in good enough shape to do IVF at all after all the damage that the tumor left behind, I’m still waiting to get another ultrasound to see for sure. AND even WITH IVF and my other factors in consideration, the chance of even getting pregnant at ALL is like a coin toss. Not to mention the HUGE medical bills. 
I know some people won’t understand why I’m going through all this. Lots of people choose to not have biological children, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. People can have full and beautiful lives with or without kids and there should never be any judgement there. And adoption is a beautiful thing too, but it’s also a different journey and not one I feel ready for. In the US, it costs roughly 20 to 50 thousand dollars to adopt domestically, 75 thousand for international adoption. Fostering is MUCH less, but the goal is to get the child back to the bio mother, not for you to keep them. Even if the bio parent is a child abuser, I would be legally required to give the child back if the bio parent filled out a single simple scrap of paperwork within 3 years of having the child taken. My heart couldn’t take that.
 I’ve wanted to be able to get pregnant and have a child since i was a kid myself. I had names in mind. I had saved baby outfits. I got excited looking at maternity clothing. I feel like i have a huge hole ripped in my heart. I feel extremely broken, angry, and scared. Even if all this is ends up not working out, I still have to try because I can’t let my fear lead me to a life where I always wonder what could have been. To me, the regret of not trying is worse than all the pain, risk, and expense of trying.
Anyway, infertility can be really hard for some people. Please try to be kind to those who are going through this. I’m lucky because at least I have a loving and understand partner and a great support network of friends and family. Other people get abandoned over this sort of thing. My situation has been hard for me, but I also know I have a lot to be grateful for. Thank you so much to those who have reached out and shared your own experiences with this sort of thing. Even to people who just have kind words and encouragement to offer. I’m grateful for all of it and for all of you. <3
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Yeah I’m sorry, if your fearmongering about a surgery is causing people to openly admit they view afab people as nothing more than incubators whose entire life must be revolve around having children, then you cannot in any way call yourself a feminist.
She literally tweeted this to me, an infertile afab person, too. Think how this shit affects me mentally. This person is essentially saying that my life and body is worthless.
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pommegrantaire · 2 months
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I guess angels and demons really don’t mix…
My first piece for @ineffablefamfeb had to be a sad one using the prompt “Struggling to conceive / infertility” because i love pain!
I feel like after trying for a very long time, they eventually think about adoption. But then the idea of adopting a mortal child who they would outlive is a whole other painful thing to think about.
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As someone who struggles with infertility, I *constantly* hear the defense from anti-choicers that I should be upset with abortion because I want a baby.
Let me say this loud and clear- going through infertility, IVF, and a miscarriage has only further strengthened my support of abortion rights.
Why?
Because I know how it feels not to have the right to choose.
Sure, it’s different in that I want a baby and some don’t. But I know the feeling of not being in control of your body. The fear of what the future looks like and how all of your goals and dreams are now murky and uncertain. The horrible depression and anxiety that comes with knowing no matter how hard you try or what you do, you don’t have control of your reproductive system.
Nobody deserves that.
“But, you could have had those babies for adoption!!”
No. Absolutely not. Adoption has never, could never, will never heal infertility. Whatever your opinions on adoption are, adopting a child doesn’t suddenly fix that trauma, and expecting that of them is downright cruel and abusive.
My infertility does not warrant a person to have to endure a pregnancy they don’t want. My infertility does not make their trauma “worth it.” My infertility absolutely doesn’t mean a child should go through adoption trauma all because I want a baby, and someone else doesn’t.
Stop using infertility to defend your bigotry.
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littleflowerfaith · 15 days
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Please pray for my husband and I that we are able to have a baby ❤️‍🩹 we want so badly to be parents but are so far unable to have children. It’s heartbreaking
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ipsogender · 8 months
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Mesosex
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EDIT 2023-11-23: the term has been revised to:
Mesosex: a person who has an intersex variation, but one which does not conform to perisex (non-intersex) ideas of what intersex is. For example, people who have intersex traits that are considered "mild", or who have variations such as PCOS Hyperandrogenism and Poland Syndrome.
Meso- for middle/in between, to refer to the state of being in between what the intersex community accepts as intersex and what the broader public (mistakenly) thinks intersex is.
More info on why the revision has happened: https://www.tumblr.com/ipso-faculty/734822362966540288?source=share
For archival purposes, this was the original post:
Mesosex: somebody who identifies with intersex people but not as intersex, and also feels perisex does not quite apply to them either. Meso- from Greek mesos (middle), to indicate that one feels in between having the intersex experience and the perisex experience. For example, people with reproductive disorders who feel they have common ground with intersex people but not so much common ground as to feel they are intersex.
There are conditions like PCOS and Poland Syndrome that exist on a spectrum from definitely intersex to perisex-ish, and I hope this term gives people on the perisex-ish side of the spectrum more useful word for themselves than the current language of "intersex-adjacent".
I want to be clear that people with conditions like PCOS and Poland Syndrome are completely entitled to call themselves intersex and that there is broad agreement within the intersex community that anybody with these conditions who feels they are intersex is intersex.
In coining this term I am hoping to validate and connect people who would otherwise call themselves perisex yet not feel it is quite accurate for them.
Mesosex people can have any gender, similar to how intersex people can have any gender.
In designing the flag our goal was to give an impression of something in between the intersex flag and cisperinormative gender colours whilst also including nonbinary people. The salmon background is chosen as a colour that is not quite pink, and the periwinkle ring is chosen for being not quite blue, but still reminiscent of the purple ring of the intersex flag. The white centre, put inside the purple-ish ring, is chosen to reflect how the nonbinary flag has white and purple in its middle.
The term and flag were workshopped with @scifimagpie. I had been thinking for a while that it would be useful to have a term for people who feel in between intersex and perisex, and these recent posts by @queercripintersex on identifying with rather than as not only convinced me there is actually an audience for such a term but also inspired me to get this done! PS. If you are questioning if you are intersex, check out this post by @intersex-support with a big list of intersex media, which you can use to get a sense on whether you resonate with intersex experiences. (Also check out their FAQ! And their past posts! They're really great!)
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person-lose-spring · 4 days
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eternal-echoes · 5 months
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IVF and surrogacy aren't just intrinsically wrong because there can be embryos discarded or dead in the process; it's also intrinsically wrong because each child deserves to made in the marital embrace of a married couple.
While yes, each child born from IVF and pre-marital sex are still made in the image and likeness of God, that doesn't negate the fact that those actions are still wrong.
If conservatives are against children getting mastectomies and puberty blockers because they're too young to make irreversible decisions, then they should also be against experiments being done at the most vulnerable stage of human development.
There are ways to treat infertility without resorting to IVF and surrogacy.
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How To Be a Safe Person to Menstruate With
You can be private without expressing disgust. Just step away politely or be honest that you are embarrassed. Neither of these choices shames women.
The reverse is also true. Like I said, just because someone doesn’t want to talk doesn’t mean they’re lame and ashamed.
Compliment girls wearing on their self-expression like red jewelry or watering a Venus flytrap with their menstrual cups.
There are lots of sustainable products now but accessibility is not equal. Not everyone has the water resources to wash reusable products so don’t get preachy.
If you shit on someone else’s choice of birth control, by God I will come for you.
Vote to protect birth control
Do not tell someone they’re gross for using pads and cups that require washing.
If you have found a trustworthy gynecologist, spread the word
If a woman tells you she feels ill, in pain, or like something is wrong believe her
Do not tell her to lose weight or consider therapy. If you do, I will hit you with a fish.
Take hormonal diseases seriously
When someone tells you she has endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, cancer, or PCOS, do not come at her with medical expertise you suddenly think you have.
Offer to buy pads and tampons but make sure to ask what kind — some have allergens.
You can always get someone a glass of water.
If it’s a trans guy you’re talking with, validate his body without treating him like one of the girls. If you don’t know how, just ask.
Do not try to guess if someone is on their period. That’s rude.
I have an alpha period. If we hang out, you will sync to my period and we can all be unhappy together.
If you bleed monthly and are talking to a woman who doesn’t, you aren’t better than her. You define your period. She can define hers.
If someone is confused because she started her period and got a positive pregnancy test, take her to the hospital and defend her with your life. She is miscarrying and needs an ultrasound. If a doctor dismisses her as just having a difficult period, make ape noises and then threaten him with arson.
If after all this you are still angry, DM me his name and I will personally come for revenge. I am pregnant and very powerful.
For that matter, my husband will sort him out for you.
Take black women seriously. Respect that WOC face medical discrimination and gaslighting on the daily.
Advil is valid. Homeopathics are valid. Do not assail your friend with essential oils when she’s asked for a Midol.
If your friend shares some concerning symptoms with you, do not freak her out with an armchair diagnosis.
But you should definitely validate her pain and encourage her to get help. Or even help her get help. Throw her in the car and personally drive her to the doctor.
If your friend confides in you that she has an STI or you are able to guess that she has an STI, be nice to her because if you don’t I will find you and I will yeet you away into the night like Batman.
Educate yourself about periods. Learn the correct anatomical words.
And for God’s sake, you still have to wear a condom.
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tonechkag · 8 months
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Borrowed from Karpoozy on IG
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codfanficedits · 5 months
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Winter days.
Pairing: Kyle "Gaz" Garrick x fem!Reader
Summary: Gaz doesn't want to circle around your relationship status anymore
Wordcount: 5363 | Rating: M (18+ only!)
Warnings: Male infertility, reader wants to get pregnant, talk about children, reader is insecure and projects it on relationship, two idiots in love trying to navigate through a relationship, going from friends with benefits to lovers
A/N: I never write for or about Gaz, so he might be a little OOC. However, this idea came to me and it seemed to fit him the best.
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It was the holiday season, Christmas was coming up, and your leave got denied, together with Gaz. Not that you really minded that of course. You and Gaz had been, more than friends, but never really an official couple, and you liked it that way. Out the corner of your eye you saw him come over, handing you a hot chocolate before sitting down next to you with his own.  He shuffled a little closer to you before finally putting his arm around you. “You looked cold.”
You happily accepted the hot chocolate, not protesting either when you put his arm around you.
"I was cold." You admit, and Gaz felt as a human furnace, radiating his warmth.
You place your head on his shoulder, before you close your eyes. "This is nice."
Gaz smiled and nodded, wrapping his arms around your waist. It was funny how he went around the camp in a tank top 90% of the time, but in the winter he liked to bundle up and cuddle.
"It is... I'm glad you're here," he whispered in your ear, his voice being low. "Not just now, but in general. You make me... happy."
He leaned his head closer to you, looking at you with his beautiful eyes while his fingers traced patterns on your skin.
While the two of you never officially entered a relationship, you did belong together, and you never looked at another man after you met him. After all, the two of you did all the things people in relationship do, from sleeping together to going on dates. You just never named it.
"You make me happy too." You murmur softly
Gaz's fingers moved to your neck, caressing the skin there softly. He leaned down and kissed you passionately before pulling away.
"It's been... months... since we started this," he murmured, kissing you once more before sitting up straight in his seat. He looked at you, his eyes piercing into yours. He took care to not come off as forceful, but he wanted to take this relationship a step further—or at most establish a label so you guys weren't so vague about it.
You enjoyed his touch, his kisses. You didn't enjoy the talk he wanted to start. Whatever you had going on, didn't have a name, and you were fine with that.
You took a sip of the hot chocolate he had brought you. "Correct." You answer. "And it is working perfectly fine, isn't it?"
He raised his eyebrows at your reluctance to engage in a conversation he deemed necessary. "How do you define perfectly fine?" he asked pointedly. "Because to me, that would mean having some clarity on what we're doing, on what we are to one another."
"So I'm asking you, to tell me what we're doing here. Are we in a relationship?"
Gaz was stubborn and you knew he wouldn't let it go until he had some clearance, and you couldn't really blame him for that.
You took another sip of your hot chocolate, before you put the mug on the coffee table. For a brief moment you considered to change the subject, but you knew how persistent and stubborn Gaz could be.
"I don't know." You answer. "We sleep together, we fuck, and then we stay for breakfast too. We take each other out on little dates, I buy your favourite snacks when I'm in the store." You added. "And that is going perfectly fine."
Gaz was not pleased by your answer and he made that much clear by furrowing his brows and crossing his arms. "Well, yes, obviously that's going 'fine.' But I'm not asking about what we do together, I'm asking about the context of our relationship."
"Are we exclusively seeing each other? Are we just friends with benefits? Are we..." he trailed off, hoping you would finish his sentence for him. "Are you dating anyone else? Do I need to be worried about anyone else?"
You raised an eyebrow at his question, and at his body language. You could tell he was getting agitated by your answers.
"Dating someone else?" You repeated. "I have my hands full with you, and I don't even have enough time to think about someone else." You mused as you leaned back against the couch.
You tilted your head a little bit. "You don't have to worry about anyone else. I don't like men enough to tolerate a second one around me and I like you too much to fuck someone else."
Gaz's brows furrowed even more at your answer, but this time it wasn't due to anger. Just general confusion. "So you care about me too much to sleep with anyone else? But not enough to... y'know... commit to this relationship?"
"Are you saying I'm just a means to an end for you? Something to keep your bed warm on a winter night?" He sighed and looked away, his expression a combination of hurt and anger. "I really hope what you're telling me isn't true."
There you had it. A consequence of your vague answers.
You let out a sigh before you took his chin in your hand, forcing him to look at you.
"Communication, my tall boy." You answer. "I never once said you were just someone to keep my bed warm in the winter."
"All I'm saying is that I enjoy our time together." You said, before you pressed a soft kiss on his lips. "I'm worried that when we label it, things go to shit and all of the sudden you're Gaz, my ex-boyfriend."
Gaz didn't say anything for a moment, still feeling a bit confused by your answers. "And you don't have to worry that we'll be 'exes' if we don't actually make it official?"
"We've already established that we enjoy each other's company and that we're not seeing other people. So what difference does it make? I mean, why wouldn't you want to... be with me?" He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice, but it slipped a bit. "Do you not see a future here?"
You could hear the hurt in his voice and it broke your heart a little bit. "When I look in your eyes, all I see is my future." You answer.
"It is not like I don't want us to be together. It is more than I am worried that if things change it will get awkward and stuff." You tried to explain.
Eventually you ran a hand through your hair. "Fuck it." You muttered. "I am worried you'll leave me if we're a couple, and if whatever we have doesn't have a label, I can convince myself a breakup wouldn't hurt."
It was like a gut-punch, hearing about your insecurities and your reasons for not making the relationship... well, a relationship. And your thought process was completely understandable.
"Do you really think I'll leave you if we finally decide to make things official?" he asked, looking at you intently. "When is the last time I've ever left your side for any reason outside of work? When have I ever made you feel even a little bit of doubt that I would be loyal to you?"
"I know it's not fair to project my insecurities on you like this. And you've never given me reason to doubt you, or whatever it is that we have going on."
You took his hand before you looked at him. "I'm just afraid of losing you."
"I'm afraid of losing you, too," he said after a moment of silence. "But in my eyes, not wanting to risk the relationship we already have by making it more is ultimately the thing that will tear it apart. I don't want to be a casual fling, and if I was, I wouldn't have spent the better part of the last six months getting to know you and hanging out with you outside of that."
His voice grew quieter, his eyes filled with emotion. "I don't want a superficial connection, and I thought you felt the same way, too."
You placed your hand on his cheek, softly caressing the rough skin. "I am sorry."
"I want us to be more too." You eventually said. "I really do."
"I just don't want things to change between us. I want them to stay the same. All I want to change is that I can introduce you as my boyfriend."
"And I just want to call you my girlfriend," he growled playfully, nuzzling his head against your hand. "Is that really too much to ask for?"
"And things are bound to change as time goes on—that's a fact. They change no matter what. Hell, I'm surprised we've managed to remain as un-official as we are for half a year. That's longer than most of this camp has dated for, and I thought you and I had something special."
A slight pout appeared as he looked up at you, waiting for an answer.
"Then you can call me your girlfriend." You said with a soft, small smile. "We do have something special." You answered, before you kissed his pout away.
"That was why I was so afraid to fuck things up." You added softly as you took hold of your hot chocolate again, taking a small sip.
Gaz's eyes got wide, not expecting that response. He placed his hand on yours, taking up the small cup and placing it back on the coffee table.
"Does that mean... we're a couple now? Is that you saying yes and agreeing to finally date me?" His voice was a combination of surprise, disbelief, and joy.
"God, you have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say that!" His eyes were glowing.
"Hey." You protested softly. "I was drinking that."
"But yes. I think it is time we finally make it official, can't have some new recruit flirting with you because I'm afraid of putting a label on us." You added with a slight teasing in your voice.
"And who is going to flirt with me now?" he chuckled as he looked around, as if searching for a potential suitor just so he could put them down before they even tried. "Because even though we weren't official and I couldn't technically call you my girlfriend, I did want to be possessive over you."
"I will flirt with you." You answer while you give him a playful nudge.
"You were all possessive over me." You reminded him. "The last time we were in a bar to celebrate a mission, some poor bloke tried to buy me a drink, and you just had to stand behind me. Towering over the both of us, and I saw the look you gave him, and it nearly scared me."
He laughed and kissed your temple, knowing that the only reason you were scared was because you thought he would act on that look. "It's funny you brought that up, because I was thinking of decking him for daring to hit on my girlfriend who wasn’t officially my girlfriend."
He gave you a small nudge with his elbow before leaning his head on your shoulder. "So I don't know why you think a label would change anything. I'm going to keep being possessive over you, but in a way that will hopefully make you less scared. Hopefully being the key word."
"I nearly got a free drink and you were thinking about decking the bloke." You laughed.
"I don't mind you being jealous at all." You answered. "As long as you don't kill someone, I'm okay with it."
You ran a hand through his hair. "The next time we're allowed leave. I want you to take me to England. To the city you grew up in."
"You almost got a punch to your nose, more like," he quipped back. "I don't care about the free drink. I don't like to share."
He thought about where you had said you wanted to go, and smiled. "I think that can be arranged. I always wanted to take someone special back there..."
"I was thinking of going back there after this rotation," he continued, "it's been a very long time since I've been back home. I hope you do enjoy it, because it means a lot to me."
"I hope I enjoy it too." You answered. "And I think I would like to meet your mother." You added quietly. "You've told me a lot about her and I think I would like her."
"Trust me, you'll love her." He nodded, before chuckling.. "You may have to deal with my sisters as well, though."
He took a deep breath. "I think that if you meet her... it might just get you a pass to meet the rest of my family, but you're going to have to deal with being called my future wife by everyone."
You let out a quiet chuckle. "Don't worry. I can handle that."
"After all. If you ever met my parents, my mother’s first question would be when you would give me a child." You sighed.
"And my grandma would try to sweettalk you into taking your shirt off."
"Wow." In one fell swoop, you had managed to make all of his insecurities about meeting the family just disappear. Even the ones that he had yet to think about. And he wasn't sure whether to laugh or groan.
"I mean, if you think I'd enjoy having your grandma try to flirt with me," he said with a smirk. "But your mother? That's... a difficult answer to give. Children are a... touchy subject for me, let's say."
You pulled a sour face. "Please. Do not. Flirt with grandma.”
You tilted your head at the mention of children, sitting up a bit more straight. "Why?" You asked, as you deemed it important to know as his girlfriend
He gave a soft chuckle in response to your comment, before your question cut his amusement off. His expression grew sad as memories from his past filled his mind.
"...I'm sterile. I've never told anyone before, to be honest. It felt like... it was too hard to talk about it. Like I was ashamed about it." Gaz let out a deep sigh before he looked up at you, giving you his best smile through the emotions that were threatening to take over.
"But I'm telling you, because I trust you and I want you to know my truths."
"Oh."
You pulled back a bit, letting his answer linger in the air. You had always wanted to be a mother at some point in your life, it was how you were raised, you adored children.
Your hand automatically went to your stomach, resting there, before you looked at him again. "That is.. that is quite important to know." You eventually said. "How did you find out?"
The look on your face was the one he had expected, and he winced at it. He knew deep down he was right—it was important that you knew, and he just hoped you would accept him for... for him. He never thought he would love someone so much, to the point that even his biggest insecurities and flaws felt like they weren't worth worrying about, because you loved him despite them.
"I was diagnosed when I was in my teens. It... it's a genetic thing. A condition I inherited from my mother that caused my sperm count to be too low."
You took his hand into yours, giving it a soft squeeze.
"Is it impossible to conceive with your sperm count? Or would it just be really hard?" You asked, your head slightly tilting to the side.
It felt as if you had to choose between him and your desire to be a mother someday, and it was breaking your heart.
"Almost impossible," he responded with a sigh. "I've seen studies that show there is a chance I could conceive naturally, but the odds would be so heavily stacked against us that most specialists would just outright advise against it."
What really tore at him was that he knew how much you loved kids and how much you wanted one, something he had planned to make a reality for you. "I know how badly you want a kid someday, and I feel so terrible that I can't give you that... even now I'm wondering if you are still going to love me after this conversation."
You took his large hand to your lips, pressing a soft, sweet kiss on the back of his hand.
"Thank you, for sharing this with me." You eventually said. "I can imagine it must be very hard to say this, especially when you know about my maternal instincts."
"But I still love you. And when the time is there, we will work something out."
"What if you can't live without a baby? What if it's something you absolutely need in your life, but I can't give you that?" He asked, his tone coming across as worried as he looked down at your joined hands.
"I would hate for you to eventually end up resenting me because this issue prevents you from getting what you want... I always imagined I would have children someday, too, and it hurts me just to think that you might not get to be a mother just because of me."
You placed the back of his hand against your cheek, softly leaning into the touch.
"We can adopt, foster, maybe by the time we're ready there are some medical procedures we can try. IVF or something, maybe if you're comfortable with it we can look into a donor." You answered.
"I would rather be without child with you, than be in some sort of stupid relationship with a child and without you."
"You know, I have thought about these things before, and I do think that IVF is a great option," he nodded, "but I have had this nagging feeling that our future children would have to be my blood. I don't know where that thought came from and why I feel such a desire about it, I just can't get it off my mind."
"Maybe I am just overthinking it, and it's all for nothing..." Gaz muttered.
"But the fact that you'd rather be with me than anyone with a child, just makes it even harder for me to bear."
You nodded softly. "I get that. If the roles were to reversed I probably would've felt the same way."
"This. This might be a little crazy, and you're allowed to say no." You started.
"But we've been dating unofficially for six months and now we've finally decided to make it official." You added.
"My birth control has to be renewed next month. What if I quit it? If the chance is small we won't have to worry, and if it happens. It happens."
For a moment there was silence as he processed what you were saying. He wasn't sure what it was that he felt, but it was somewhere along the lines of shock, surprise, fear, and worry.
"I'm not sure that's something we should do. As much as I want a child, I don't want one yet. As much as I do not think it will happen right away... I still just don't want to risk it."
"And... what if you get pregnant? Are you ready for that?"
"it is in my blood to raise a child." You answered with a shrug of your shoulders. "So I don't really worry about it."
"But. I do appreciate your honesty, and then I'll just renew it, no worries.” You quickly added.
"It was just a silly idea." You said with a meek smile
The response that you gave worried him even more. "You’re what? 26, you're smart and independent. You're not just a baby maker and raising a child is a huge responsibility. It changes your entire life and needs to be done right."
"How can you not be worried?" he sighed as he shook his head.
"Do I see you as a mother? Yes, eventually. But not now. Please don't try to make the choice for me. You mean too much for me to risk something happening."
"I come from a family where woman had children in a lot of different situations. From women being single mothers, to the father being in jail and everything in between. In the end it always worked out.
You frowned at his words. "I am not making a choice for you. I just asked your point of view, and when you expressed some valid points. I told you that I would renew my birth control." You said, your tone a little too sharp
"And I come from a family with a long lineage of military members who all had children after getting married." He said, his tone matching yours, as it felt like you were getting angry about the entire subject matter.
"You can't just shrug off my concerns, it's almost like you want me to say yes to you not using birth control so you could get pregnant." He scoffed
"You say you want to have a child in the future, but I don't understand your rush for it. We aren't even married yet!" he said, almost annoyed now.
You rolled your eyes at him. "Oh my god." You groaned. "All I did was give you an option on this! I asked your opinion, you gave that opinion and I listened to you. What more do you want me to do?" You snapped back.
"And besides. Its 2023, you don’t have to be married to have a child." You scoffed.
"An option that should not have even been presented to me!" he said with a hint of harshness to his tone. "Don't you get it? This is a huge decision and you're making it sound so simple and easy when it really isn't. I haven't even met your family yet, we just got official together and you want to risk it all by getting pregnant now?"
"Is that all you care about? It's like... it's like..." His voice trailed off.
"I. Don't. Get it." He said, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Oh well I'm sorry." You hissed. "You decided to drop a goddamn bomb on me a goddamn hour after we became official. In those six months we've been.. whatever the fuck we were. You never mentioned it once!"
"And maybe I rushed. Yes. I'll admit that. But you said yourself it would take such a long fucking time to conceive, and maybe my mind jumped to thinking in solutions." You added with a harsh tone.
You got up from the couch. "You know what? Forget about this whole conversation. I need some time alone to cool off." You scoffed as you walked away.
He was about to say something when he saw that he had said too much and it had been far too much for you. He couldn't help but sigh as he saw you storm off, and he wanted nothing more than to run after you.
"Love..." he mumbled to himself. "God damn it..." he muttered as he looked around the room for at least a distraction to help him process what had just happened.
You let yourself drop to your bed, letting out a frustrated groan in your pillow. You had never wanted this conversation to escalate into this.
You pulled out your phone, fingers hovering over the screen before you typed your message.
"Still love you. Just need a little time to cool off."
With a soft sigh you hit send to Gaz. You never wanted your emotions to ruin whatever it was the two of you had.
A text back came almost immediately.
"I love you too. I'm sorry. Please come back to me when you're ready."
"And don't just run off and ignore the problem," he mumbled to himself. He thought about calling you, but he thought that, at least for now, it would be better to give you space to process your own emotions and figure out if you were actually ready to talk about the conversation.
"God, I hope this doesn't ruin things..." he sighed. "I hope you don’t resent me."
You took your time to calm down, staring at the ceiling, as you tried to process what just happened. After nearly thirty minutes you finally get up from your bed.
You saw him sitting on the couch, and you walked up behind him, wrapped your arms around his neck as you pressed a kiss on his cheek.
"I know we have to talk, but I want you to know that I still love you and want to work things out, okay?" You whispered in his ear before you let go off him and sat down next to him.
The warmth of your embrace was exactly what he needed, as it instantly took the weight off of his mind. He felt his whole body relax as he reached over and grabbed your hand, pulling you closer to him.
"I know we do," he said quietly. "I love you more than I can really put into words. I honestly thought that I was going to lose you today, and I don't want to ever come close to that point again."
"And I want you to know that I wasn't saying no to a child, just that it's... not time yet."
"I know. I know." You say softly, a meek smile on your face.
"First off. I’m sorry for walking off like that. I can get a little hot headed and then I might say things I'll regret once I've cooled off. So I walk away to calm down." You explained.
"And secondly, sorry for bringing up stopping with birth control. I was on some sort of pink cloud and that made me only see the nice part of things. It was stupid to even mention it and I never wanted to give you the feeling that I was forcing something upon you."
"Oh... you don't need to apologize," he mumbled, rubbing your hand softly. "You weren't forcing anything and I understood where you were coming from. It was mostly just... I don't want you to think this entire relationship is centered around this one decision, and how it turns out."
He looked at you and tried to push a small smile.
"But I'm proud of us for being able to have this conversation. I'm proud of you for speaking openly about your thoughts on this, and I'm proud of myself for being able to do the same."
"I get it." You sighed. "I really do."
"I just.. the way you reacted.. it did make me nervous if we were compatible with each other." You admitted. "In my perspective I gave you an option, you gave your opinion and I realised it was a stupid idea. And you just kept going on and on, talking about it was all I cared about."
"It's because it scares me," he said softly. "Of course I still want a child someday, but it's such a life-changing decision. And then you threw it at me and I don't know... for a moment it felt like you didn't take me into consideration when suggesting it because it's really not the best time to go through with it."
"But... don't get me wrong... I understand that you have your own wants and needs. It's just... I never wanted to be the sole reason the relationship falls apart."
"Truth be told. I didn't take you in consideration." You admitted.
"You told me you were sterile, and that there was a very small chance, and I automatically thought that this would be some sort of solution. Stopping with birth control now, so it would magically happen over three years." You added with a weak smile.
"And in that thought process I didn't once think about how you would feel, or what we would do it I got pregnant within a year or something."
"That's what surprised me..." he said quietly, rubbing his forehead. "You didn't think of any of the negative implications it would have and assumed we were both going to just be okay with it."
"The thing is..." he said, looking at you. "It really scared me because it made me think you wanted it too badly. I got this feeling that you would... I don't know... have a child whether I wanted one or not, and I... I just didn't want that."
"I did assume that, and I'm sorry." You said in the same quiet tone, matching his tone.
"And for me it was really hard to understand why you couldn't just let it slide after I told you I wouldn't quit my birth control. And that really pissed me off." You added.
"I would really like to have a child with you, but not now. But it is definitely something I would like in the future."
“The way you phrased it," Gaz sighed, "made me think you didn't really care if you got pregnant and that really worried me. I don't want to just... give up on waiting for the right time. I don't want to risk it now..."
"And that's what made me mad." he said, his tone getting a little sharp. "That you were willing to throw all reason aside and just...try to see if it works. I know you'd do anything for something you want... but I want us to be on the same page about it."
There was something in his sharp tone that set you off again, your jaw clenching as you took a few deep breaths.
"I have a feeling we're circling around each other, but we both mean the same thing." You eventually said.
"Bottomline is that I won't quit my birth control, neither will I bring it up again.
We both do want children but not for another couple year.
And I think it is important to keep communicating about those needs and wants."
"We can talk about it again in the future..." he sighed. "Once things have had more time to become set, and we don't have as much on our plates."
A brief silence fell as you both processed the situation.
"But hey..." he said softly, his voice taking on more optimism that was missing during their discussion. "At least we can talk about these things. And that you're willing to communicate about what you're feeling, even when it makes you uncomfortable or it's something that's difficult to say is... huge."
You just nodded. "Yeah. Look at us being all grown up and adults, talking about our feelings and stuff."
You reached your hand out to him. "Is there anything else on your mind that bothers you and needs discussing?"
"I don't think so," he said, taking your hand and squeezing it gently. "Not at least about this topic."
"How about you?" he asked. "Do you feel okay about the conversation we just had?" He asked carefully. He didn't want to push it too much as he wanted to give you space and time, especially since he couldn't help but worry a little about you being mad at him.
"Well, I mean. It was tough." You admitted. "I had a lot of worries about us becoming official, and to have a fight almost immediately after. It did have me worried."
"But I am glad we could talk this out in a mature way."
You looked at the floor. "I would like some extra reassurance that everything is okay. Maybe a cuddle and some sweet words."
"Oh, come here you," he chuckled, opening up his arms to you and letting you get close to him.
"Of course everything's okay. Just because we had a disagreement does not mean we're gonna tear each other apart over something so small. We're both adults, we're going to have conflicts sometimes, but what matters is how we deal with them. And I think we dealt with this one pretty damn well."
If you looked closely, his eyes widened when he realized how aggressive his tone had just been. "Oh... and I'm sorry. Again."
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