So this is what happen (the principal reason for which I came back here, to scream to everyone and any one in general, well at least scream without the involved knowing who am I here).
Like 3 years ago I have this funny friend with who I took the bus from school to therapy and you know, it was a good time, was funny and we could actually talk about nerdy things. I like to talk ab nerdy things! And I like pp letting me talk and return the conversation (it's kinda sad few pp have do that for me without waiting something in return) so it felt like a special connection.
Some time after that we tried to have a relationship (you know, romantically) but... it was a litteral version of romantic, like a romance anime, one of that in which the principal couple almost kiss at the end. So we eventually broke up.
It was fine, we could be friends, but... I needed time to rethink what idea of love, of being love, of self love and relationships I had. What I though love was? What really was? What I wanted it to be? How I wanted it? What kind of loves there really are? And why I wanted/need one, and which one...? (Well a lot more questions than that)
So I take distant for a while. Then I lost a year of school and I felt ashamed and lost contact with almost everyone of my contacts/school friends for like a year.
Only continue talking with a friend that enter a lawyer career and another who also lost a year and we come to talk more often. The latest was... a chaos, but he knew my story with my ex, and I knew ab his troubles with girls. He told me ab them. We gladly share the way through that difficult time of changes and felt free to feed our curiosity in random (usually romantic) matters. I felt like a confident for him, someone important in which he trusted enough to tell ab his real problems.
Constantly he mentioned a friend (the other friend I talked with then, the lawyer). They were a mess, neither of them accepted or denied their interest in the other, neither they stoped to make excuses to be together publicly.
It has always hurt me a lot see them do that between them. I even began to read stories with similar topics to try and understand, why someone would do that to the one they love? But with no avail I have get an answer, there are different excuses for do it, but at the end they are only excuses and anyway it happens and keep hurting.
Some weeks ago this lawyer friend of mine, finally told me her version of their story (I have only knew ab my other friend side) and... it hurt me a lot more.
Not only before I had been felling betrayed bc she didn't trust me neither was being honest with me (like the other friend) ab it all.
If not that...
Well I had realise some time ago that I had fallen in love with the other friend of mine. And tbh I was jealous and debasted bc I wouldn't be loved passionately like she is, and they just hurt themselves and... and I... I just want them to be happy and they are my friends, so I wouldn't mind if I have to make miself to the side for them to be together and happy, but it hurts u know. It hurts that I just have to see them be happy or hurt and I can't do anything, I can't have that bc only one person in all my 20 years of live has really wanted to try more than a friendship with me. And to put more weight in my shoulders, she told me that she has too took luck with my ex without told me, and used it vs my other friend (I know that bc he told me, and he was really bad with that when she told him they couldn't be together bc she has a boyfriend).
I'm not trying to put neither of them like bad persons, I just don't want to be trapped in the middle of their drama. The thing is that I don't fell like trying to argue ab my place there, bc I fell like I put myself there. :/
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Drawn Out, 6th: Ballpoint Pen
Callum had bought sticky-notes in the little airport bookshop, because they were cool sticky-notes in all kinds of colors, not just yellow, and he was doodling on them now, because he didn’t have any other paper and just a ballpoint pen the ticket lady had lent him and…
And he drew when he was upset.
He knew he shouldn’t be, that it was a good thing, getting to go all the way to Japan.
Definitely a nice thing.
Callum was happy for Rayla, really.
It was only a month anyway, not like that was… ages and ages.
“You draw when you’re upset,” Rayla said, skootching up next to him.
“I’m… I’ll be okay.”
“Mmmhmm,” Rayla hummed, unconvinced.
Of course she could probably figure out as well as he could, what his first four years of school would have been like without Rayla to make him laugh when he was anxious about a presentation and defend him from bullies twice her size and hug him in the toilets when he missed his mom.
“You’ll get to see all this cool stuff. And eat noodles every day if you want. And you can buy Sailor Moon stuff in just regular stores, I bet. It’ll be… like an adventure.” He was really failing at sounding excited, so he should probably just… stop.
Rayla headbutted his shoulder insistently, until he looked up from his lap.
“I can’t just go on an adventure without stuff,” she said. “You need stuff, for adventuring, all the books say so. At least a magic sword or two.” She grinned up at him, pointedly nodding at the post-its.
A magic sword? It should be a flippy-out one that changed shape so she could use it to climb up buildings like the ninja-adventurer she would definitely be, if she was an adventurer.
She really needed two swords though… if she was using them for ninja-climbing buildings-
“And a cool animal companion,” Rayla added. “A floofy, cuddly one.” So it could be a comfy pillow for her, because the plane ride was ten hours, she would be so far away- “Like a big cat, with glowy horns.” Oh, that was cool, and Rayla had a white glitter gel pen that would be perfect for glowy horns-
“A Callum,” Rayla added. “I… wish I could bring a Callum.”
Callum had to stop drawing, because Rayla squeezed him really hard. She put her head on his shoulder, briefly, before remembering that she was a fearless adventurer and drew back to rummage through her bag, not looking at him.
She pulled out a purple felt-tipped pen and the white gel pen he had been wanting to ask her for.
“I’ll… draw a Callum,” she said, determined. “You draw a bottle of magic moonberry juice. It has super nutrients, so I don’t need to eat anything.”
That wasn’t really how nutrients worked, even if they were super, just… replacing calories, but… it was a story. Like moonberry juice itself, because Ez was really into plants and animals and had said the ‘moonberry bush’ in Rayla’s garden was actually something called Aronia. So that was a story too, probably to get Rayla to drink her healthy juice when she was little.
Like an illusion. A nice one.
He was done too soon, it was pretty quick to draw moonberry juice.
Rayla was still drawing a Callum, bent in concentration over the post-it. She always tried really hard at things, even when she wasn’t good at them. She made him want to try harder too. And he would go to school tomorrow and she wouldn’t be next to him and he would just sit there and read about Peter and his boring, milk-buying life and-
-and Rayla was looking at him and not her drawing. “I think I do need food, now that I think about it,” she said.
Yeah… yeah, she did. She needed jellytarts. Ez would never forgive him if he sent his claimed-big-sister off on an adventure without jellytarts…
You can also read Drawn Out on Ao3, it’s up to date up to and including this installment. It’s an anthology drabble series showing a progression of friendship and eventually more, through Callum’s drawings for Rayla, grades 2nd through 7th. It’s part of the peak awkwardness 90s middleschool au verse In the Middle
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