#Im worrying abt u the whole time I drive
finally finished carmen!! thoughts abt it
player saying his "mom and dad" and me and my friend collectively groaning like! he has two moms!! sorry you're just wrong about this. his little gay laptop sticker tho :)c and he is. how old he is remains a mystery that shall never be discovered
boys night!!! ivy impersonating a very serious german lady uncannily. and i love them.
they sure did put a bit abt malstrom almost letting coach brunt get murdered for real and abandoning her and ADMITTING to it and then never followed up huh. i get they were rushed to wrap everything up within the season and were just kinda flinging plot elements into a wall but GOD
i got spoiled that the ending was disappointing and yeah :( carmen u rly left ur found family w a NOTE to find yr absent biological family like. girl i know you have issues but the moral you are sending to children. carmen what about zack and ivy who worried abt you for MONTHS
ok but the 6 MONTH time skip?? like every season happens and im like its been at least a few months right and its always like no everything happened This Week and im like bro.....also the whole condensing carmen's motivations into "she's an empath :)" what the fuck was that about. like i know children's shows rly go hard on the black and white morality and have never heard of nuance but.
actually i have more on that. the scene w malstrom milking his coffee when gray is like "yr evil" "i prefer to see the world in shades of grey" you LITERALLY call yrselves the evil villain league.
and again, carmen!! her motivations are so much more nuanced than "she's an empath" like it's because she was raised in a caring environment, however fucked up she later realized it it was, and grew to have genine connections with others. she grew up in a stable and caring environment, however misguided, and she learnt from a young age about care and value and about even the VILE-mindset of taking what you want from the world, even of privledge. but she made all of those things her own! and always had interest and care and openness to the world around her!
i mean she didn't just turn against her original found family for completely do-good reasons, she as a scared resentful kid who was lied to for the majority of her life, and she's reckless and stubborn and wants to do everything on her own, and also even when she was stopping VILE (esp s1 era) she still like. had mixed feelings bc she rly did think of them as her family! it was kind of her own way of both rebelling and trying almost to? steer them into something better? like a "if you won't change for me i won't change for you" but she DOES want them to change! anyway again, nuance! her moral compass yes directed her to becoming carmen sandiego, but it wasn't the driving force really. there were layers!
oh how very little i care about gray. he really said "the only thing i've ever regretted was hurting you" YOU ALMOST KILLED A GUY!!!! like i'm glad you have one redeeming emotion or something but oh how you are just boring
also his VILE interview "opera is boring" BITCH! if he was a theater kid let's just say this never would've happened and he would've been a lot more interesting but as is he is really is just some guy
CHASE. i gotta say while a lot of the early scenes w chase during the first few seasons dragged on he really has become mr. i believe in female supremacy. he really is the most dynamic character of the show. we love one man with a character arc. also it really is just the Chase Devineux show like every time he appears it's rly HIS show that's happening. we were joking abt it but him meeting not-catra in egypt and her being like "remember me?" and him like ??? until he's >:0 !!! is so funny. this is HIS dramatic confrontation to save julia.
also wow. zari :) this is the zari show actually
that one fucking?? scene with shadowsan doing martial arts and it slows down and the music and everything else changes genres for a moment. wtf was that. i joked that actually everyone is living in a different genre and then immediately coach bulldozed through the boat into the ice wall and THEN got slingshotted into the air by a teeter-totter move like a fucking looney tune character. she is wiley e coyote is what i'm saying.
every scene w/ cleo and/or bellum :) gay people
hye soim not saying tihs to get attention or anything i genuinely have no idea what to do so im just gonna put a vent post here into the void and delete it later. nobody is obligated to say anything, and honestly i would prefer if nobody sent me any DMs regarding this post bc idont have the energy to message back
tw suicide /self harm
ive been self harming in my car before work and during my lunch breaks. ive wiritten goodbye letters to some of my friends already saved in my computer and i woudl just need to send them if the time comes. idont even know what i dsay to my girlfriend or my dad. i have five different variations of a suicide letter in my drafts that i wiuild post and i dont write suicide letters unless if im in a really. really. relaly bad spot mentally. its been years since ive genuinely sat down and wrtiten these things so im rly worried abt my mental state of being and im concerned i might not make it thru the week. theres a bridge two hours away from me and seomtimes when i get rly bad i will drive there and contemplate jumping off but i dont think the height can evenkill me so i dont know how id kil myself but the fact that im searchgn online “least painful ways to die” is! not good! thats not good thats concerning! if i dont find a way to change somehting in my life soon i knwo im gonna end up making an irreversible decision within the next month. i cant do this. i cant keep going like this i need to make changes but nobody is showing me how and its really frustrating. i hate that ive had to grow up learning how to do things on my own and how to receive love from other people since i was never given it by my parents
its really pathetic but the onlythhign thta has been keeping me going is bc i order a st//rscream charm or a figurine or literally anything that would force me to wait a few days for shipping. i could always order another cameo but i dont even know what id ask for and im worried he’s probably sick of seeing my request notification pop up every month. and isnt it funny that this character ive been finding so much comfort in for the last ten months actually hates humans? hates the idea of someone being weak? he’d probably hate me too, he’d hate that i barely have the strength to make it thru each week. i’ve seen six or seven different posts from stsc/decepticon blogs over the last year saying he’d be really annoyed with humans who are suicidal because he doesn’t understand that kind of feeling and even if he did he’d have a lot of initiative to do something about it so he wouldn’t even be suicidal in the first place, and he’d think depressed humans are pathetic and selfish. and theyre probably right, at least for this human. i dont think he’d give me the time of day to comfort me i think he’d just hate my existence altogether. and yet im so desperately clinging to the very small idea that this character would tolerate me.. thats why i made an au where my s/i goes missing and he does everything in his power to get her back. i want someone to miss me when i disappear
i dont know what t do except cut myself in the car or even the bathrooms at work if theres a breathing moment. im scared one day im gonna give up completely. i dont wanna keep going anymore ive been so tired for over five years now and im sick of nobody taking me seriously. if you read this whole thing, thanks for your time and sorry u had to see me in my worst state of mind. in two days ill most likely bounce back and use my sb gifs and act like everything is fine like i always do
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could i make a request for Suna, Iwa, and Atsumu where theyre s/o is like scared of the future. like thinking about the future and being an adult scares them, but its also scary that they have no idea how to survive as an adult and what job they want to do so they could pay theyre bills and make money.
(it could be girl pronouns or gender neutral pronouns i dont mind either)
hq boys comforting you when you're scared about the future
suna rintaro, iwaizumi hajime, miya atsumu x gn!r
!warnings! mentions of anxiety, nail picking (iwa), lightly proofread
SUNA RINTARO he definitely shares your fear so he understands exact how you feel.
sitting at your desk, you had your head in your hands trying your best to stop your tears before your boyfriend got to your house after his volleyball practice. lost in thought, you hadn't even noticed he entered the room until he was leaning down next to you with his hand on your back. "baby what's the matter?" his question only made you cry a little bit harder as you turned in your chair to wrap your arms around waist.
he waits before asking you, "what happened, baby?" until your sobs have quieted down. "i'm scared rin." you say dryly, throat hoarse from your earlier breakdown. "scared of what?", "the future." he lets your answer sink in before saying anything further. "the future huh, hmm. actually so am i.", he says causing you to look up at him with teary eyes. "really?" he nods his head yes, "yes really. but you know, no matter what, i'll always be here for you. you know? there's no need to worry about it right now. i know it's scary, stressful and all that other bad shit but we'll always have each other, just remember that when you feel yourself start to worry too much."
MIYA ATSUMU is actually terrified of the future also so knows your struggles
he was driving you home when he noticed you being unusually quiet, so he knew there was something up. "angel, you feeling okay?" he asks, squeezing the hand he had on your thigh. "hm? 'm fine 'tsum. just thinking about stuff." you say, giving him a small smile but he really wasn't buying it. "you can tell me if there's somethin' wrong, babe.", you nod your head, "i know i know. it's really not a big deal though, really. i was just thinking about the future and how scary it is that we have no control over it. y'know? it's scary." you admit, and he cant help but feel his heart break.
"angel, ya know that no matter what, present or future i'll be with ya the whole time. so you really don't need to worry.", "i know but i can't help but feel anxious about it." you say, biting your lip. "baby, i want you to know that i feel the same way. im scared of the future too. do ya wanna know what comforts me when i'm feeling upset over it?" you respond with an, "mhm" and he continues, "what makes me feel better, is knowing i'll always have you no matter what. so anytime you find yourself worrying over it, just think of me and how much i love you."
IWAIZUMI HAJIME has his own share of anxieties so he understands you completely
you picked at your nails as you sat on your boyfriends bedroom floor whilst he did his homework, it was basically routine at this point. you had been lost in your own thought when he had turned his chair around to look at you, "hey stop that." he scolds, probably a little louder than he had intended, a frown evident on his face. you look up at him and immediately, a pout contorts onto your face and your eyes begin to water. immediately, his face softens"oh no angel, c'mere i didn't mean to shout at you." he says opening for you to embrace, which you accept. he lets you cry into his shoulder for a few minutes.
"please tell me what's bothering you." he rubs your back softly, waiting for you to answer, not minding how long you needed, saying a soft, "tell me when you're ready." so you do," i'm just anxious about, y'know.. what the future will be like." you confess, causing him to sigh lightly. "oh baby, i understand. but guess what.", "what?", "as long as we're together you'll never have to worry about the future because i'll be here for you the entire time without fail. you know that right?"
a/n tysm for the request! i hope u enjoyed <3 p.s. i stress aht the future often as well so if this is something you worry abt ur not alone & it's completely normal. ily <3
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//Sorry For Interrupting pt 1//
"What do you mean it's more important than that?" you asked as Ushijima got his phone out and glared slightly at him.
The face Ushijima pulled was unforgettable, he tried his hardest to look you in the eyes but kept glancing away.
"Y/n or Semi, have you been on your phones this morning?" Ushijima asked as the both of you looked at each other with a strange look. "No we have no-"
"I will show you.. have you heard of the instagram page @miyagiscreek ? The anon one?" he asked as your heart dropped at the name, you had a feeling why Ushijima was here but you tried to play it cool in the mean time, that was until Semi grabbed your hand, tightening his grip on you .
"Yes ? What stupid love scandal was on it this time-"
"Y/n . Save it." Ushijima stated bluntly and showed you his phone, the post read:
'Liked by SUGAUKAI and 50,000 others
Is this infamous camgirl on a famous streaming site who goes by 'Cindy' the Y/n Ushijima? I noticed she was streaming with a fourplay she did with many other famous camgirls, here is my evidence. The hair comparison and the distinct ring in her right finger? Now , I could be wrong but am I ever ? We will see what precious y/n who has been cosying up to two boys, Tendou Satori and Semi Eita , along many others will have to say. Stay safe and ill bring you more news when I can
7th March 2021
To say your jaw dropped to the floor was an understatement. You couldn't believe it. Your secret was finally out and you did not bother to check your phone for one morning and oh shit, your whole secret identity was leaked.
It was as clear as day it was you, you couldn't lie your way out of this mess, you had to be truthful to everyone.
"All I want to know is this you, y/n." he asked abruptly as you look down at your feet. Semi was ready to face it, expecting you to lie to your overprotective brother and was ready more for the fact he was in the article, he was expecting to get his nose broken.
"Yes. I am Cindy." you whispered as Ushijima stared in disbelief, watching how the tears fell onto your shoes. You were expecting a yelling and a lecture from him but he jumped up and pulled you into him for a hug.
"It's okay, am I mad? Yes. Joking , Joking. I am more mad about the fact what you're going to do about college. I won't give out to you or kill Semi cold dead for the moment-"
"-is for horses. Anyways, you obviously did it for a reason and as long as mam and dad don't find out, it's okay." he murmured as you began to roar crying into his shoulder.
He was always the sternest with you. Always. Sometimes stricter than your parents. But, clearly you're twenty years of age now, you aren't the little sister he has to consistently protect from the big bad world. He just has to have faith in you and support for you.
Obviously he is also being soft right now but once you get over the leak, you are as sure as grass growing that he will make a PowerPoint presentation about how much of an idiot you are and how the porn industry is corrupt for young women.
"You should probably check your messages in case, I don't want you to go to school just yet... you know how serious this is yes? Id you get expelled, you risk not going to another university or IT, jobs may be affected in the future also." he ciricumsized as you nodded, both you and Semi reaching out for your phones.
Semi had a message from Tendou. That was all.
1 new message(s) from Daichi
4 new message(s) from Bokuto
11 new message(s) from Tendou
3 new message(s) from Daishou
1 new message(s) from Ukai
You sighed at the complied messages , the thought of what they could be frightened you. Not to mention the amount of dms what were on your public instagram account.
You decided to reply to one what would hurt you the most, Daichi's. You opened it as there was a literal scrap behind you between Semi and Ushijima, to describe it perfectly it was like the :moment in 'Star Wars: Revenge of The Sith' the brawl between Anakin and Obi Wan Kenobi.
You're Cindy? I was reluctant to text you because I realised I screwed up with the previous messages but holy shit, how did I not cop on? I am so sorry it got leaked, if you need someone to talk to , I am here.
thank u daichi, Ngl I was expecting you to like kill me or sumthun quirky
HOLD MY PHONE
I DID NOT SEE THAT POST CORRECTLY LITTLE USHIJIMA
ig u did , what about it?
I DEADASS SAID TO U BEFORE WE MADE OUT THATYOU HAVE THE BODY OF A CAMGIRL AND NOW LOOK BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 🕵🏼♂️
That night i was so 🦻🦻🦻 bc of the music, I didn't hear ur ass say it, do i gotta be sus of u now ????????
You need not worry, I don't even go to your school
now hold on a second
rub my eyes
scream out my flat window
did u hear it bc im pretty sure all of Myagi did
bitch ur so hot what the actual fuck
lolololol wake up u dumbass Ushiwaka is gonna FLATTEN U
why didnt u tell me y/n? Its a good thing I didnt watch Sal that night bc i do sometimes, that shit woulda been AWKWARD ABAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
I literally hope ur ok though, ima kill all those hoes for me , full on bite them and shit
but fr Ushijima texted me he's not going to uni today BYE UR GONNA FUCKING DIE 🧎🏻♀️ SHIT HE KNOWS ABOUT SEMI TOO BAHAHAHAHAHA IM SORRY IM SUPPOSE TO HELP BUT ITS FUNNY BUT AS SOON AS I KNOW UR CRYING ILL BE SUPPORTIVE
Ugh bitch ig im alive or whatever 🤏🤏🤏 Ushijima has Semi in a head lock rn, should I film it for u or do u want to come over, Ushijimas gonna kill him for hours bc Semi let out a joke insuating that we fucked
U called me hot NAH MAN SAYS U PAPI
call me papi again and ill sever a finger off, I went to college and to my suprise ,you are the centre of attention, Some people asked me questions and i ignored AND BAHAHAHAHAHA FILM IT I WANT TO SEE SEMIS SCRAUNY ASS BET IN
I was going to joke and shit but nah, I cant rn
are you okay?
im worried, please dont go to uni today whatever u do
joke abt it, my brother found out and he is more mad at Semi than me currently so I am suddenly blind as to them fighting on my living room floor.
Can i watch though 👀
I am rooting for Semi, fucking dumbass, I really hope you are okay!! the boss hasn't yet said anything about your leak, you can ring me anytime you need to.
Also the form for Semi is at my place pls, ty sweetie?
Hey kid, I am truly sorry your dumbass got caught and you might be caught for a home depending on if Semi takes you in or not, I have a spare room in my house if you become homeless or whatever. Stay safe.
ur 100 years old and u can type wow
ty for the offer, I will consider it.
You planked your face into the cup of your hands, leaving out a irritated sigh as Semi and Ushijima were full on yelling at each other. You drew out the noise as more was on your mind as of now.
You wanted to go to uni just to see what would happen. You are usually known for not giving a shit in Uni but with the allegations, you were not going to be on top of your range.
You had to go in , no matter what the outcome, sure you were going to be expelled due to strict guidelines but , you do not regret being a camgirl. It is what made you happy foroa while.
"Stop fucking fighting, I am going to the College."
Ushijima stared at you and shook his head. "Absolutely not, do you want to be slander-"
"Let her do what she wants to you old hag." Semi spat as you glared at the both of them. "You are both children, I swear. I am going, I want to know who did it and do i still have my place there. Plus , Tendou is there and I need to see my best friend right now."
Ushijima and Semi were staring at each other until Semi rolled his eyes and wraps his arm around your shoulder.
"Cmon, Ill come."
Youo all leave your flat as you look at it sad, it could be the last time you leave it and re enter. You decided to not stick to the possibility of your pessimism taking over, you wanted the best outcome and had to achieve it somehow.
You sat in Ushijima's rear seat in the car silently, leaning on the window and taking out your phone to read out the comments.
Someone else in University was reading the comments with a harsh smirk. Someone who is expecting for you to come in to Uni crying.
Akaashi Keiji leans his head back on the building, watching the cars pass until he noticed a mercedes pulling in with none other than you , Ushijima and Semi in the car, something he hadn't expected.
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Ep. 13: “I Need To Make Moves Here And This Is A Big One” - Mikey
guilt tripping everybody that voted out sammy bc that was such a weird move and shows how weak everyone really is. idk it made 0 difference to me, i honestly could care less about this round. if i get immunity, mikey is playing the idol on himself if he gets immunity im getting the idol so it really does not matter
Woo the plan worked and Sammy is gone! He seemed sad because he said he wanted to stick with me but his actions didn't really align with that.
My goal is still to get Jennet and Jones out. I feel bad because Jennet is now in a position where they’ve been targeted every round of merge and a lot of that is for little to no reason. I don't really know why Lovelis tried to vote for them, or why their name came up when Daisy left, and the round Sam went home I only said their name to try and protect Lindsay. And last round their name was a decoy.... but still! They have been through a lot and I feel bad. But unfortunately because of this, they are definitely winning if they make the end. They haven’t betrayed a lot of the jury, they now have this great underdog story if they make it, and their whole game is about loyalty and honesty and all that stuff betrayed jurors jut love to vote for. Which I will say.......... it's easy to be loyal and honest when you don't align or overly strategize with half the team. It also leaves you super vulnerable to being a target sooooo I feel bad but I also feel like that's the reality of blocking yourself off to so many people.
Since Sam is sadly gone, my new ideal final 5 is Lindsay, Shane, Mikey, and Jake. That will get awkward because I feel like it'll fall into 2 vs 2 and they'll all expect me to stick with them. That would be the downside to my strategy of "align with everyone and make everyone feel like you're their option" buuuut I think I'm saved by the fact that asides Jennet, I feel I can beat everyone left at the end. I don't think it's a guarantee; I'll definitely have to do a good FTC. But Shane and Lindsay have really bad social games -- Shane fights with everyone and betrays close allies for no reason and Lindsay apparently doesn't even talk to half the people left. Yesterday, Jake and Mikey both said they thought Shane would win at the end because "he's made so many moves!!!" which is ummmm not very feminist because I think everyone credits him with doing a lot more in the Daisy vote than he actually did. I feel very much like the Natalie White of this season because my relationships are really what is holding everything together. I just have to be careful that people don't see me as keeping Shane around when he's an obvious threat because that could definitely damage my chances of winning.
However.... there is something that could upset that f5 and that is if this round, Jones/Mikey/Jake/Jennet all want to vote out Shane or Lindsay (again). I'm not actually that opposed to this happening because it would be very useful for me to have a close ally on jury to tell them what I did. It would also mean I don't really have to "decide" who to pick at f5 but I would still be relatively protected. However I also worry that if Jennet gets through even one more round, Mikey, Jones, and maybe even Jake will just refuse to vote them out like they did before. Mikey admitted to me he knows Jennet will win at the end but if he feels like he has no shot, he might just keep them around because they're close and that is not a great sign for me!
I guess we'll see what happens with immunity. Also go me for being the last person left with no votes against them :~)
something about a white man yelling over me last night when it was my turn to speak doesnt sit right with me... i dont want to make it a race thing or a “gender” thing but .... idk its kinda taken me out of the game i dont even feel like campaigning to stay tbh...
(a little later)
soon as shane won immunity here go jessica pming me saying she hates that he won... pls that is ur ally u love the fact that he won... just admit it tired of these people playing in my face but i dont wanna play into that role that i know i fall into fairly quick
(after taking a beach stroll)
this may be my last week i fear 🕴🏾
(after taking the camera and running into the woods)
jess must think im a fool every round she “leaks” info to me and then she does the complete opposite of what she says she will. im sorry its pathetic at least this round she told me shes voting me pero its like now shes asking me if i have any alternatives that i can convince her into doing and im like... girl its one of my allies and like 5 of urs left dont play me like im some dummy .... so that u can tell them im pushing for them and give more reason for them to want me out? she not getting my jury vote for sure
jennet is the target. if they have an idol i will probably go home. i have crippling anxiety 🤩
im sorry thisbis so short there's not much to report on. there was a miscommunication between everyone that mikey caused but nothing rly came of it. im just
you know how sometimes when youre abt to fall bur you catch yourself your stomach does thise little flips? thats me for the past hour. i have a bad feeling abt this, but i also have crippling anxiety so shocker
me yesterday: If Lindsay or Shane got 7th, I wouldn't be sad!
me now: ummmmmmmmm no stop being silly
Anyways we are all voting Jennet as of right now. I told Mikey that we were splitting votes on him and Jennet potentially (so that I could get Mikey to vote Jennet, meaning Shane or Lindsay could throw 1 vote on Mikey in the event of an idol) but then Mikey went and told everyone I said that??? Which was a weird move, I don't know if he was hoping it would blow up on me but I just admitted to everyone what my strategy was. Now it seems like they just don't trust Mikey. Which is useful for next round, if I can make it there.
I also told Shane and Jake that Mikey asked me if they were threats and I'd said yes. I told Shane and Jake this so that in the event Mikey went to them, they'd already have a heads up and wouldn't be suspicious (because Mikey leaks almost everything and I felt like that would definitely happen). I also accidentally implied to Jake that Shane was targeting him?? Not really sure how that happened but there was this weird temporary blowup where Jake went to Mikey and Shane and said he heard they were saying his name. Obviously I was NOT excited for this because I was worried it would come back against me instantly so I tried to smooth things over with Shane and Jake + told Mikey it's not cute to leak info! I'm hoping that the three of them are pointing their daggers at each other and haven't turned on me but it was definitely scary for a minute. I also told Mikey Shane originally wanted Jake to go when Daisy left AND that I thought Shane/Lindsay would vote Jake out next. I can explain both of these away pretty easily to Jake (1. That vote was a long time ago and he only wanted to do it because Jake was saying Lindsay and 2. I was just saying they'd vote him out next to make Mikey comfortable) but he isn't online to give me the chance to do it and I don't want to bombard him with messages.
But here's where I am 2 hours before we vote...... I'm ultra paranoid Jennet has an idol. And she knows she's going tonight. Everyone was like "don't tell her she's leaving!" and I was like???? She knows?? I'm not wasting her time pretending like I'm not considering voting for her. So now....... should me, Shane, Lindsay just vote out Mikey (or Jake?) instead? I'm hesitant to bring this plan up to anyone for a few reasons:
- None of these people can keep a damn secret!!
- If we flip and Mikey does vote Jennet (and there's no idol), it will be 3-3-1. Really not liking that
- I don't thiiiiink Jennet would idol me out if they were to idol anyone. I'm afraid to bet on this too heavily but I really, reaaaaally hope because I'm being honest with them this round, they would see me as someone who would maybe work with them at f6/f5 (as opposed to Jake, who has lied to them and Jones who flipped last round, and Lindsay who she says she wants out). I originally!!! Thought that Mikey would never vote for me but I'm honestly not sure after today
- Jake is completely MIA today, same with Jones. Jake SHOULD trust me since I've warned him whenever I've heard his name but I'm worried after the shenanigans of earlier + him not responding that he's now sketched out by me
- I don't want Jennet in the f6 (sorry Jennet!) because I think if we lie to the others about who we vote, they are more likely to go to rocks for them if we vote them next time. Like right now, Mikey is not going to a rock for Jake (or vice versa) but I think both would do it for Jennet if they felt they were their only path to the end. If people go to rocks for Jennet like we might as well all pack it in now and let them win because that just shows!! How good their relationships are.
The reason I'd want to switch the plan is because if Jennet has an idol, they are absolutely playing it tonight. If they don’t have it, they don’t have it, but that means Jake or Mikey could. So like.... why not do a fake out and have a higher chance of getting the merge idol out of here? Plus if Jennet doesn't play it tonight, we can vote them tomorrow with much more ease.
I'm worried people are too aware that I'm really moving things behind the scenes and are going to come for me this round. Here's where I'm hoping my strategy of be everyone's BFF / an option for everyone will help me out -- Lindsay is a bigger threat than me and has done a lot less of that work so in the event Jake and Jones DO decide to turn..... I think they'd vote for her over me. But that's not really ideal because going into a F6 with only 2/3 of my end game trio is not the look! Despite what I delusion-ly thought yesterday!
fukjlkjdsflakjsdalfskdfja i have a rlly bad gut feeling i'm going home bc its like ,, , too quiet and too straight forward, i think jessica should be going this round ? either she'll be idoled out or voted out 4-3 ya feel,, i'm just ,, my stomach hurts i need jessica to get voted out she's like ,, my only competitor in terms of gameplay style >? ya feel ? i'm not excited for whatever happens after tribal,, so maybe i throw up, maybe i get voted out , either way i'm free
Yeah so that last move was a mistake lmaooo I thought Mikey and Jennet were tighter with Sammy than they actually were 😬 so now I’m just trying to regroup from that. Seems like Jennet is the target but I feel terrible voting her out so I’m sort of at a loss. I also don’t want Mikey to be left out again so just trying to figure out what’s best for me eek 🥺
OK SO. Me Jake and Jennet are voting jessica, jones is voting jennet and Im gonna play my idol on jennet. I need to make moves here and this is a big one. Sorry JESSICA!
LOOK ITS THE CLOSEST HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE I COULD THINK KF THAT REMINDED ME OF A SWORD OUTSIDE OF A KNIFE. BUT A KNIFE WOULD BE ~EXPECTED~ SO HERE WE ARE. (And! I’ll read it, don’t worry! I can be a bit slow so it might? Take a bit??? And I get distracted easily, BUT it looks nice from the summary alone!!!) Anyways! That is exactly something that Kyouka would do, she can be a little shit sometimes (but we love her). (Nyanon, 1/4)
, and Poor Atsushi just wants to stop sleeping in weird positions so that she has no leverage, but alas, he almost always wakes up oddly anyways. Kyouka and Demon Snow revel in it and all the pictures they get (and I wonder if Demon Snow ever tries to just. Scoop him up in a weird position he fell asleep in, just to see if he’ll stay asleep). But that aside- That makes sense! Atsushi using emojis is cute,, (Nyanon, 2/4)
Poor Kunikida probably mourns the loss of someone texting in proper sentences, but a more casual style with emojis definitely fits Atsushi best... Now that I think about it, I bet he has little emojis next to everyone’s names. Like, Kyouka has a bunny next to hers, Fukuzawa has a cat, etc. (I MEAN THATS FAIR, she probably changes it up depending on who she talks to??? Like, Atsushi and Fukuzawa and probably Kunikida get kaomojis, but! (Nyanon, 3/4)
Since she likes fucking with Dazai she sends him the Weird Ones, you know?) Moving on to an AU Concept, though: Imagine one where Atsushi is just a super advanced AI that was programmed to help the ADA. I imagine it isn’t a super angsty AU- I just like the thought of AI!Atsushi (Aistushi?) slowly learning to be his own,, person? And gaining emotions that are his, rather than a programmed reaction. (Nyanon, 4/4)
(hey man its fine i understand that it takes a long time for u to finish your stuff i just want you to read it whether that is in a few hours or a few months no pressure)
bro wouldnt it be funny if kunikida texts all cutely like- theres this manga called horimiya (it has an anime adaption now!!) where the student council president looks all serious and proper but he unexpectedly texts all cutely once he has exchanged a few messages with you (see down below)
THAT WOULD BE FUNNY DONT LIE.
atsushi putting different emoji on peoples contacts is so funny and so is kyouka giving dazai the weird emojis my GOD (she would also say omnious stuff. i feel kyouka would say V E R Y omnious stuff that makes everyone go ?? HELP??)
kyouka looking at a car, nodding: you can kill and let the dead body in here, thats enough space
atsushi: kyouka i-
OWOWOWO ATSUSHI BEING AI IS CERTAINLY INCH ARRESTING, THERES A GINTAMA ARC WHERE THEY FIND A ROBOT AND LIKE AT THE END THE ROBOT GETS FEELINGS AND I REMEMBER CRYING OVER THAT ARC- EITHER WAY, THAT MADE ME THINK OF THIS. but i- OH MY GODDD
atsushi is an ai that was thrown away by the scientists as a useless ai cause he didnt gain feelings and because of that atsushi did think he was a useless robot and a good for nothing that couldnt even do One basic thing (which is to feel like humans do) and throughout the whole time he thinks hes Not worth it and as he wanders through the streets trying to find a way to CHARGE himself he sees dazai drowning and jumps in to save him cus. he was programmed to save if anyones in danger
and dazais like “tch.” as usual to getting saved and atsushi doesnt know what to respond cause he was never told WHAT to respond with. but either way, dazai asks him what he can do for him and before atsushi “faints” aka Turn Off he says “i need to get charged”
when he wakes up later hes in a car and he sees dazai holding a power bank thats charging him. kunikidas driving the car and dazais like “i was surprised to see that youre an AI, youre quite impressive!” atsushi doesnt know how to respond, “we need your help [mission with smth abt AI and android or whatever that will be used for Evil]” and after the mission, atsushi faints again cus a powerbank can only charge that much
when he wakes up dazai offers him the job and while atsushi wants to accept, he cant cus he doesnt have a heart. theres no way he could actually be a DETECTIVE. a job that serves people.
as usual, dazai tricks him (like in the actual show) and says “yes ill find you a new job” after atsushi saves him from the suicide barrel attempt. kunikida makes a scene about a bomber, they go there and the usual happens until tanizaki presses the button for the bomb
and in a swift second, without thinking, atsushi pushes naomi away and covers his body with the bomb. and hes like “what am i doing? why do i feel obligated to save her? that wasnt because of my programming, im programmed to evacuate when a bomb is setting off- why did i feel Scared?” the bomb doesnt explode Duh and atsushi is Hired despite fukuzawa being skeptic over hiring an AI
thats when atsushi thinks that maybe he is capable of growing feelings and growing into his own person
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a/n: inspired by @sugardaddykenma im a brainrot for lin’s headcanons tbh
hope u guys like these!! feel free to send requests for certain topics or even if i didn’t include a character n u want me to include them
daichi: he’s old fashioned and he’s not ashamed; in fact, he prides himself on it. he’s definitely the type to pick you up for dinner, and show up w roses at your door. this most likely stems from insecurity and he’s too scared to venture outside of the box. it works in movies, and usually works for him, too.
asahi: movie theatre first dates are the way to go for him. he doesn’t have to talk (flirt) too much it makes him nervous and can subtly make a move by putting his arm around you. also, helps him get to know your candy preferences, which is useful for future reference.
sugawara: he takes u out to get ice cream! he rlly just wants to get to know you, but also wants to show u his ~sweet~ side (cheesy, zie) so he takes u to get ice cream and u guys sit outside and talk! i also hc as very lowkey a manipulative lil shit despite his rlly sweet front so his thought process is like “okay if i take her to get ice cream they will associate me w ice cream which is sweet and therefore she’ll think i’m sweet.”
noya: petsmart/ur local pet store. not afraid to ask to hold half the animals in that place. will take a shit ton of pictures of u holding the ferrets and hamsters cuz u just look so cute. he’s very flirty but u love it. asks to hold a snake cuz he wants to show off but as soon as they take it out he changes his mind. u hold the snake instead and he swoons even more and def starts thinking abt u domming him (he knows he shouldn’t be thinking abt that in petsmart but he can’t help being a horndog). “let’s adopt a kitten... haha. jk... unless?” you two settle for a fish and argue over the name for abt 20 mins before finally settling on something (u didn’t compromise, he just let u win.). def goes over the top with the tank decorations.
tanaka: bet you guys didn’t see this coming, he takes you to the beach. listen, it makes sense. he gets food for you guys. forces u to go in the water with him, much to your dismay. you guys get to tan and get ice cream on the boardwalk. tries to bury you. that you WONT do. but it’s okay, he builds a sandcastle instead. most important of all, he gets to see u in a swimsuit. practically foams at the mouth (you pretend you don’t see him staring).
ennoshita: bowling and lunch after. it’s simple, yet allows you two to be cheeky and competitive, and have a nice talk during the lunch after. he’s a classic man, he’s got good taste. probably pouring sweat the whole time, but just ignore it for his sake.
kageyama: no thoughts head empty. makes you decide because he’s never been on a date before. tbh i see him trying to set for you and teaching you how to play volleyball as a first date. he doesn’t know any better. but he’ll take you out to get food after, so at least there’s that.
hinata: picnic date!! he can’t rlly cook but he goes out and gets meat buns and onigiri and a bunch of his favorites things to eat and makes u try all of them bc he wants to show u what heaven is like. he noticed the stuff u usually eat around him and got some of that too just in case u didn’t like the stuff he wanted u to try. he got way too much food for the two of u guys but it’s okay bc it was rlly cute and u guys watched the sunset and played 20 questions (not the fuckboy kind, obviously)
tsukki: takes u to his fav cafe a town overs he didn’t wanna go somewhere rlly crowded bc he hates crowded places but also wanted to be able to talk to u and stuff. debated taking u there bc what if it didn’t go well and now u know about his fav private cafe a town over and u start going there and it’s ruined for him. yea, he’s a bitch like that. he got a piece of strawberry shortcake for u two to share but ended up unsatisfied so u guys split another one. he definitely thought to himself “shoulda just fuckin bought one for her and one for me.” asks u to show him your playlist. you’re scared and he’s not even remotely hiding the judgmental look on his face as he scrolls but u redeem yourself bc there’s a couple good songs towards the bottom. “we can work on this” he says.
yamaguchi: invites you over to bake!! but not like the premade stuff, he wants to bake stuff from scratch!! you guys have a really good time despite the fact that neither of you know how to bake. i def see u throwing flour at him and he gets all flustered and u two get into a flour fight hehe
kuroo: he uses the same first date for all girls. and by all i mean you. just you. you’re his first date. he acts like a player but the second he’s texting a girl and makes a science joke, they ghost him. he’s been thinking abt the perfect first date for ages without even having anyone to take, so when you come around, he’s super excited to take you to go get pizza at this local lil family owned pizza place. you wonder why he’s so excited but it’s bc he’s been planning this for a very long time. you guys get a half and half pizza, trying two different types, and split gelato for dessert. it goes well and he’s rlly charming and comfortable despite having little experience w girls. but you don’t know this, you think he’s charming bc of his abundance of experience. he’s got everyone fooled.
kenma: yeah yeah yeah we all know what i’m abt to say. gaming. he will invite u over to game. that’s where he’s most comfortable!! it also allows him to gauge whether or not ur a good player or not. don’t get me wrong, he won’t stop talking to u if you dont usually game— he doesn’t go on dates often, he alr likes u a lot most likely. he just thinks it’ll go well no matter what because he could A) teach you how (lots of room for flirting) or B) get super competitive (lots of room for teasing). flirting am teasing are both outside of his comfort zone tbh but at least that’s the only thing he has to worry abt if you two are playing cod or something! he’ll ask u abt snacks before hand and get all of ur favs. he’s cute like that. don’t point it out or he’ll get all blushy and embarrassed.
lev: takes u to an arcade!! he’s a child at heart, we all know. you guys have sm fun. he’s a lil awkward but u know how to bring him back to his normal state.
oikawa: he texts u a week before and is like, “we’re going shopping Saturday for our date, btw, ill pick u up at 12 ;)” and ur contemplating cancelling bc like. shopping? with a male? as a first fucking date? but he's so charming that you physically can't say no. it actually goes really well, he has a great sense of style and insists on paying for everything. and its weird because like, you can tell he's not flexing, he’s just actually being a gentlemen? like he obviously tries to show off in many other ways but he's genuinely being sweet and doing what he thinks its the proper thing to do by paying. he lets u pick out clothes for him to get and wears them all the time on future dates. its a really fun time, you guys get soft pretzels and milkshakes and he bullies you for wanting to “look around” in hot topic. he ends up buying a shirt. “don't you dare tell anyone I bought this, y/n, I'm serious.”
iwaizumi: i hc as the type to put thought into this type of stuff. he tries to figure out the type of stuff you like to do, what you’re into and what you aren’t into. after pondering ideas for a couple of days, he’s not stressed or worrying abt it too much, he finally decides on mini golf. it’s a really good time :,)
matsukawa: netflix and chill typa guy. i wish i was lying. he doesn’t know if he’s serious about you so he invites you over to see if you’re easy. he’s an asshole.
hanamaki: takes you to dinner, a classic, except. he takes you somewhere two towns over. if you were to think that’s a red flag, well, you’d be right. be careful. he’s a sketchy mfer.
bokuto: this mf takes you to an escape room. he thinks its the perfect opportunity to show you how fun and cool he is. he's went to the same exact escape room three times the week before in order to assure that he would be able to look smart and solve all the puzzles. but at the last minute, you ask him to do the horror-themed one. he nearly pisses his pants and u solve all the puzzles and ultimately get the two of you out. he thinks he blew it (he goes eom-mode on the way home) but you actually found it sooo cute and think the date went rlly well. you tell him this and his face lights up and shit and he thinks ur The One. calm down, scaredy cat.
akaashi: botanical garden. its actually really fucking cute. all the plants and little statues are sooo beautiful, and he makes lil cheesy compliments comparing you to them. you guys learn a lot about the garden and stuff, and doesn't try to mansplain anything to you. at the end of the date, you find out he's been there like 40 times yet he still acted like it was brand new and stuff and didn't act like the fucking garden escorts. sigh, he's perfect.
semi eita: he’s boujee so he takes u stargazing. except he’s not boujee, he just wanted to take you on a long drive so he could give u the aux. he’s judging your taste in music. don’t expect a second date if u don’t live up to his standards. the stargazing itself could go really well but if u play one bad song on the way to/from, he’s ghosting u.
ushijima: tbh he probably rlly wants to take you hiking or some shit but he doesn’t wanna overwork you so he’ll just take you to brunch. gets like eggs and bacon type shit, protein only. you offer a bite of your sweet ass pancakes or french toast bc you notice him practically salivating over it. when you feed bae on the first date 😍 it makes him kinda uncomfy but it’s cute.
tendou: [ @satorispup this ones for u but tbh i think he’d do this either way ] aquarium date!! hes v spontaneous n cray cray and always wants to do weird unorthodox shit. he takes u to the aquarium on the first date bc it’s a lil out there but still considered ~normal~ so he doesn’t scare u off. after that things get insane, though. and u noticed he was a lil off on this first date (said he wouldn’t mind swimming with the sharks) but u still adored him anyways.
goshiki: the zoo!!! jus look at all the animals, he geeks out bc they're all so cool. he's fuckin adorable honestly. you guys get the really big bag of popcorn, and cotton candy. mid-way through the date, he gets a sugar rush and goes ape shit. like, theres a noticeable difference in his energy levels. asks u to drive home and he accidentally crashes and falls asleep. you wake him up once you're home, and he freaks out because he feels so bad for falling asleep. the only way you can get him to shut up (its not that big of a deal, goshiki!) is by kissing him. u break him. he literally stops functioning for a minute. “wait, can we do that again?”
atsumu: texts you, “date Saturday, come to the game?” and ur like oh okay cool ill go to his game n cheer him on and then we’ll go on a date. after the game u hug and maybe even kiss cuz he's cheeky and u go “so where are we going for the date?” he gives u a blank stare. the game was the date. he doesn't say anything n texts his teammates that he can't make it to get fast food after and he takes u somewhere else to get food. he thinks he played it off but it was obvious he thought you watching him play volleyball was an actual first date. he's used to hitting it and then dipping, his whole sense of romance is fucked at this point. be patient w him, please, he's trying his best. the dates get better bc osamu starts planning them for tsumu.
osamu: duh. he cooks u dinner, obviously. firmly believes the way to a someone’s heart is through their mouth. he’s kinda busy, so u have hung out during his vb practices a couple times. u two aren’t strangers by the time he plans a proper date, so he probs picks u up before hand to go grocery shopping, that way he can pick stuff u like. u watch him cook and it’s obvious ur mesmerized and it feeds his subtle ego. the food is obviously fucking amazing. date:success.
suna: i hc suna as not rlly the dating type. like he’ll hook-up occasionally, he's just not rlly a relationship person. so when he decides to ask u on a date, he spends like 2 weeks trying to figure out what to do. he just wishes u two could just be in a long-term relationship already so he didn't have to try so hard to impress u. anyways, spends like 2 weeks planning a bunch of diff shit, then pussies out and invites u over to smoke. he's a stoner, what did u expect. actually goes p well bc u like smoking too and ur more relaxed and u guys confess ur feelings and all that sappy shit.
kita: farmers market. we all saw this coming. he buys you all this organic shit and its kinda adorable. he sits you down at a picnic table and u guys indulge in some of the stuff you bought.
terushima: ik you guys are probably expecting something douchey. but no, if terushima is serious about you (rare occurrence) he’ll take you on a proper date! his ideal first date is a sports game, preferably outside, so his usual go-to is a baseball game. he gets all the snacks and shit for you guys, gets to take pics of u, and gets to scream at the top of his lungs and go all out. if u don't rlly know whats going on, he’ll explain it for u! actually,y you'll probably catch on quick, and he’ll continue to explain (mansplain) because he thinks he's cool. overall, not a bad date. kinda cute. kudos to you, terushima.
sakusa kiyoomi: art museum. its clean. its interesting. its quiet. he thinks he chose the perfect first date but you're really fucking bored. you act interested though, because, I mean, just look at him. he looks like something straight out of one of the exhibits you guys are looking at. the dates get better and you push him out of his comfort zone eventually. extra: he contemplated taking you to a book reading. thank god he didn’t.
˚₊·͟͟͟͟͟͟͞͞͞͞͞͞➳❥ ꒰ ⌨︎ ✰ thank u for reading! | ೃ࿔₊•
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@onehithero said: also we know theres at least some actual animals besides gadoll liek the scorpion n cows tht show up for a sec in ep 1 so tankers hav tht going for them re: food sources ..SORRY FOR RAMBLING SO MUCH deca dence essay got sleeper agent activated
onehithero said: i rly like what usaid abt kabu from natsumes pov too but i cannot form a half cohernet thought abt tht one
onehithero said: ALSO ALSO i think its interesting how the ep 8 conversation w minato is i think the only time kabu talks abt being jealous of humans being able to choose their own paths
onehithero said: also how minatos convinced hes like a good lil cog in the machine yet hes done 50 things tht wuld get him labeled as a bug but he just ignores all tht. the both of them can be so disconnected w reality
onehithero said: like minato didnt know abt 1)natsume 2) how the system has made kabu so severely depressed n he culdnt put up w it anymore.n minato continues pushing the just go along w the system shit he doesnt understand tht he was contributing to kabus misery.. n bc of tht kabu doesnt trust minato enough to tell him abt natsume for so long but then he goes n asks smth so big of him as go against the system
onehithero said: thinks abt how kabu n minato r obviously so important to each other but minato understands him less n less over time & kabu kinda already knew its risky to confide in minato like minato did know abt pipe which was a long time ago but he didnt know abt natsume til kabu was already sacrifing himself for her sake. n yet kabu then goes n tries to get him on his side anyway cuz he wants tht so badly..
onehithero said: OMG OMG CHEWS THESE WORDS SLOWLY N THROUGHLY SO DELICIOUS THANK U THANK U u get it u understand i love reading n writing essay lengh responses abt deca dence & again u just hit the nail on the head w this
Please let me know if this @ u 8 times and sorry if it did. I will reply under this readmore but i love this enthusiasm! I like discussing this stuff so if u want keep it coming. I wanna understand deca dence better and i think i will by sharing ideas w other ppl.
I think kabu and minatos relationship is as good as it is because theres clearly a lot of mutual love and respect between them even when they don’t understand each other and thats why minato still runs after him when he hears kabu going suicide mission lets go baby. I think its interesting that minato was like ready to lie down and accept getting mass scrapped until he hears kabu go im about to be hilarious and hes like actually living and staying alive sounds great actually forget what i said about it being over. you are so right about kabu and trust and natsume. I will always cherish episode 5 where kabu gives this big rousing speech about how natsume inspired him and saved his life and minatos there like ..who? ..what?? I think they may not be used to hiding things from each other. Also I think them drifting apart mirrors natsume and feis drifting apart tho I think while feis the instigator on that side kabus more on his side and minato like natsume is like wondering what in da world is going on. I think someone else wrote about this better than I can.
I do think minato does know kabus severely depressed because theres this line in ep 4 where he puts his hand on kabu and says like you’ve toiled enough at that awful job. and also in episode 11 when he and kabu talk and kabu says he was in a similar place as minato now in that he was waiting every day to be scrapped minato has no reaction until kabu says but that bug saved me. I think he knows kabus very depressed but he does not know how to address it cuz the system never gives either of them the tools or options for it. Though also I feel the system discourages meaningful relationships between the cyborgs so I think what minato and kabu have is likely pretty rare. Kabu donetello and turkey also fought together for a long time but turkey turns on donetello in a second even tho they fought together, he was his number two, and they were in prison together, and were pretty much all they got and donetello kills him in turn. I also think minato probably knew because he’s empathetic. Like I’m not sure about compassion but he’s very good at understanding where other ppl are and how to meet them in the middle so both parties get something they want. That’s how he got all the gamers to collect the old deca dence parts. Not by cashing in on ppl doing the right thing but by framing it as the final mission. He gets his lgbt community center coworkers for fight with him one last time by appealing to their sense of duty. He got the system to put kabu in jail instead of getting scrapped when Mikey got scrapped for a lesser offense. The list goes on. A tangent but I think the fact he acknowledges the living conditions of the humans are gonna get worse if nothing’s done even tho he’s apathetic at best towards them shows even when the system tries to mold the cyborgs into the roles it wants, sometimes the traits they have just keep on going despite themselves. I’m gonna stop myself before I go into jill and this theme but I’m gonna talk about it someday. So I think its more likely than not he knew but he didn’t know how to navigate around it also because it’s heavily implied he’s going thru the same thing and I think kabu might genuinely have no idea Bc kabu lacks empathy but his heart... is huge. When he hears minato express his feelings of not knowing what he wants he instantly tries to reach out and explain minatos not alone in what he feels. This is why they’re good foils. while kabu moves past where he was in the start where he states he does not intend to oppose the system and his compliance while also trying to do the bare minimum drives him to suicide, and finds the willpower and a reason to live and rebel against the system through his connection to other people (first natsume , he hangs out w kurenai sometimes too, and then with the jail robots). Meanwhile minato whos stuck in his literal ivory tower (it’s a Metaphor) never makes any of these connections. It’s the irony of kabu working at a armor repair job giving him some ability to connect w others vs minatos higher position isolating him from everyone else. I think kabu living amongst the ppl he harmed drove him to give up on life quicker, while minato being far apart shielded him from rlly having to see the effects of his actions I think he was headed a lil slower in the same direction. I think we’re led to believe minatos okay where he is but I think towards the end it’s clear minato has spent most of the series also in a bad place. I think he views things very similarly to kabu in that he wants to use what power he does have to protect the ppl he cares about similar to how initially kabu tried to just convince natsume to quit several times and he was like whatever at the rest of the humans who are natsumes comrades dying but he chooses to put it all on the line and try for some systemic change when he sees natsumes determination to fight. Also I think minato holds very little loyalty to the system cuz he doesn’t only like breaks 1000 rules for kabu (the hypocrisy) but he also looks the other way a lot. For example, when he overheard the top rankers talk about limiters he’s like I’ll pretend I don’t hear it also turn on private mode next time and he doesn’t berate them for considering cheating. Also donetello has been using an illegal avatar to climb to S rank again (isn’t it interesting that even after the ranked system is abolished something similar took its place). And his avatar looks the same as it did when minato worked with the guy. There’s probably like not that many ppl in s rank. And he calls himself donetello. Minato knows he’s supposed to be in jail but does he tell anyone? He’s like well.. that looks like someone else’s problem if they notice *goes and vapes* it’s so funny how little minato cares but it’s also not funny Bc some of minatos cruelest actions and things he’s complicit in are born not outta malice but apathy to everything. I think it shows (tangent number 4?) how the systems use of excessive force is counter productive cuz neither minato nor kabu are willing to report anything to disrupt the order Bc neither of them think the level of punishment is warranted. I also think that minato is probably the first person kabu really opens up to about why on a personal level he feels the system needs to be destroyed after Ep 7 is really interesting. It really speaks to how deep their [mutual and not platonic relationship I don’t know how to label ] is. I also think that he admits to minato that he envies human is rlly interesting and would like to hear what u have to think! I think it’s interesting that what really sets minato off is kabu saying he wants to choose for himself and also wants other cyborgs to have that freedom and I think it’s one of the few times we see minato get genuinely angry and have it not stem from worry. Tangent 5 I’m really extrapolating here but I think it’s very likely given how high up minato is that he likely knows of several cyborgs that rebelled against the system for similar reasons as kabu and knows how it ends and I think it probably feeds into his defeatist attitude. I think his role in the system must really kill whatever grasp of whatever minato has cuz he constantly has to act like it’s almost the end of the world and he’s strapped for resources all the time for like decades and decades of having to fake that type of desperation to entertain ur player base and cuz ur also on tv to entertain the general populace to distract them from their soul sucking jobs. I think that’s gotta mess with his perception of himself and also his ability to see that struggle as real and genuine. I think that’s also gotta be hard cuz he seems like out of his whole fuck we r under attack persona he seems like he’s a lil closed off but generally chill and somewhat upbeat to ppl who know him and he just wants to be isabella from animal crossing. I got really off track here. I think what really gets me is their relationship is built on knowing each other so well and so long , and how it’s managed to survive and persist through all this tragedy. They really mutually respect and love each other and that’s why kabu let’s minato walk away from his revolution even tho it compromises everything he works for. It’s why minato ultimently accepts kabus willingness to die for a tanker even tho he really doesn’t get it at all and it means it’s goodbye forever. But it’s still not enough to save either of them. Minato can’t save kabu from trying to passively starving himself to death and I’m not sure if kabu even knows where minato is at mentally. Sometimes no matter how close u are to someone there r things u miss and things u can’t help each other with. Even tho the two resolve to fight and then die together cuz this seems like the best choice Bc the system they were born into offers no alternatives, the deca dence doesn’t even activate without the help of other ppl. I think it shows one relationship cant support all that weight. In the end it is through their bonds with other ppl that gets them to an ending where they both survive when they decided alone their only option is death. Also u are so right about the other animals existing I totally forgot ty I cannot believe I forgot about the scorpion which calls to natsumes hairstyle which is a visual gag on how natsumes a bug and how like a scorpion, although unassuming, and fucking kill u, just like how her trying to get her boss to open up eventually leads to the whole thing toppling down. I also have a lot of thoughts about natsume but I’m still thinking of them and thinking hard Bc sometimes she becomes kabus inspiration Pinterest board and I don’t like that. When she shines she really shines but it starts getting sloppy towards the end so I have to think a lil longer about it. Okay I’m done. Also it’s kinda hard for me to look like I’m agreeing to ur points and nodding in this format but I really appreciate ur thoughts and will try to convey this. Maybe by formatting as a response to each of ur replies next time
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description: student athletes need to look out for each other—well, at least seungmin needs to look out for your clumsy ass most of the time
genre: fluff, sports au, best friends to lovers au, slice of life au, summer au, a side of college au (but like the ugly ass summer classes aspect of college life), implied fem reader
word count: 11.3k
warning: explicit language, blood, injuries, extreme sports, a very poor attempt at writing sports, seungmin worries the entire time for good reason
note: a bunch of stuff put together it’s not rlly good sldkfsk like it was getting too lengthy i had to like haphazardly end it somehow + the one time you see me write a sports-themed fic & it’s not abt the actual sports i play lmao + also hi @t-toodumbtocare u told me to tag u so here we are
one - saturday
Amidst preparations for your incoming senior thesis, choosing your course specialization, clubs, and training, Kim Seungmin rushed getting his driver’s license before the end of your 3rd year’s 2nd semester for the sole purpose of driving you around the city this summer and you’re quite sure that that’s love. Though he disapproves of your specific choice of escapade that has you running around Seoul in circles in the first place, your best friend still made sure to pass his driving classes a whole month before the previous semester ended and with flying colors so he can “look after you” as he would put it. It definitely is love—simultaneously a heartwarming and annoying one at that.
“I can take care of myself, I’m an adult,” You feign a frown at him stubbornly for the third time this month, sliding in the front seat of his navy Subaru anyway and placing your gym bag in front of your feet. You then busy yourself with taking your roller skates out, switching them out with your old Converse. “and it’s not like I don’t know how to commute.”
But, just as you’ve had this conversation every time he picks you up from your dorm on Saturday evenings, Seungmin only dismisses your argument and replies, “Yeah, and you know transport is not the main reason why I chaperone.” From the corner of your eye, you then see him expertly shifting the gears and turning the steering wheel, driving the car to the campus’ South gate, his serious expression unwavering and making you stifle a giggle. “You could get seriously hurt playing. Your mom will kill me and your coach will kill you for that.”
“But I haven’t yet.” You counter with a slight teasing in your tone, pretending to ignore his last comment. You don’t even repeat this argument every week in the hopes of changing Seungmin’s mind at this point; after almost two months of the same starting conversation between the two of you, you just press his buttons now for fun. Undeniably, it’s funny seeing him get visibly riled up. “I’ve been playing derby for two months and the most I’ve gotten is a severely bloody nose. It’s nothing I can’t handle—“
“Yet.” He scoffs now in frustration before turning right to the main highway, well-aware of what you’re doing but letting himself get stressed anyway. “Even athletes get seriously hurt in the field, Y/N, we both know that.”
You only nod with a hum, twisting your body to Seungmin’s direction and poking his side. “I know, Minnie.” You assure, softer now as you finally let out the chuckle you’ve been holding. “Now relax, loosen up a bit! You know I’m just messing with you!”
“I know and it’s getting a bit concerning.” He rolls his eyes, finally relaxing his shoulders a bit and sighing in disbelief before swiftly swatting your hand away from his waist. “You talk like you’re not training for next year’s Championships.”
“Ah, but it’s because training isn’t as strict yet, at least with mine.” You shrug, sitting up properly in your seat as you take this opportunity to change the topic. “How’s your training, by the way? I barely saw you this week. Is Jeno giving you a hard time as co-capt.?”
You sink in your seat and look up at Seungmin expectantly after, smiling unconsciously when he doesn’t respond immediately to focus on driving, giving you a brief moment to admire his focused expression. “Training’s okay.” He eventually replies, quirking an eyebrow when he briefly glances at you over his shoulder and catches you staring. “Surprisingly, Jeno’s chill with being co-capt. We’re getting along.”
“’Chill,’ you mean lazy like you.” You scoff playfully. “Why have you been too busy to hang out this week, then?”
“Practicing my driving so I don’t accidentally kill you first before roller skating could.” He answers dryly, making you roll your eyes. “That and Mr. Im’s giving too much papers for an intersession class.”
“Right, summer classes. So responsible.” You scrunch up your nose. “Aren’t you tired? Training, summer classes, driving me on Saturdays, not to mention we’re going to be seniors after the break...”
When you don’t speak after trailing off, you see him shaking his head. “A bit, but driving you around is relaxing.” He corrects casually, missing the way he catches you off-guard. “It helps me think and, like I’ve said before, I get to look after you so, seriously, don’t try sneaking around me and commuting on your own or I’ll start panicking.”
Now, that is new to your Saturday conversation starter.
“Really now?” You raise your own eyebrow, trying your best to not sound too surprised. “So you don’t hate this as much as you make it seem like?”
“I didn’t say that.” Though visibly caught off-guard too, he shakes his head as seriously as he can look, not even sparing you a glance this time as he makes another turn. “But making sure you’re alive is kind of part of the best friend job.” He explains after, making you laugh. “And driving—driving’s always fun.”
“Sure, sure.” You smile as you try playing it off coolly, looking down on your hands as heat rises up your neck. “Whatever you say, Minnie.”
You first got into roller derby through Yuna, a freshman in your university and a fellow figure skater who began training alongside you during the 1st semester of your 3rd year. Sometime almost two months ago, one of her derby team members, Yeji, had to cancel a few days prior to an important game to attend to her personal matters and so she immediately turned to you as a possible substitute, noting your figure skating skills and how you’re already familiar with the sport from occasionally watching her. Naturally, with your adventurous streak, curiosity got the best of you when presented with the offer and, especially after winning the game, you’ve been hooked ever since; meeting up with her and the rest of the all-girls team almost every Friday and Saturday at the warehouse on the way to Incheon where the games are usually held.
So naturally, she always makes sure to meet you at the entrance of the venue, especially now that she’s not training with you for the summer to focus on her own summer classes and a part-time job.
“Finally, you’re here! I missed you!” She hurriedly waves at Seungmin before throwing an arm around your shoulder in a side hug. “How have you two been, lovebirds?”
“Ya, Minnie and I aren’t like that.” You roll your eyes as you briefly hug her back by her waist, careful of her arm injury from two Saturdays ago while expertly hiding the heat flaming your cheeks. With this gesture, you almost miss the way Seungmin’s lips frown every so slightly in front of you, if it’s because of the nickname or your reaction to it, you dare not to ask for fear of further embarrassment. “And I’ve been well, Coach Park isn’t going beast mode on me yet. Seungmin here’s been busy, though.”
“Oh, right! I heard from Jeno that your first game’s in 2 weeks already.” Yena then turns to your best friend expectantly. “How’s training? The game’s on a Saturday, right?”
“It’s...fine,” Seungmin answers slowly with a hum, almost as if he’s hesitant on what word to use. You then see him narrow his eyes at you when he sees the mischievous glint in your eyes at the familiar question. “...chill, actually.”
“Chill as in lazy.” And as expected, you chime in the same words you commented on the car ride to the venue, making Yuna throw her head back in laughter. “You know how our friends are.”
“As expected of Seungmin and Jeno together, I guess.” She nods in confirmation between laughs, making Seungmin groan in defeat even more. “How do boys in team sports even do it? Train, I mean?”
You shrug in response, giggling at Seungmin’s annoyed expression directed mostly to you. “Guess we’ll have to see in two weeks, right? Are you free on that weekend?”
“Yeah, intersession’s been hectic, but I’ll try and clear my schedule!”
“Oh coo—!” But before you could even comment more on a possible hangout with Yuna, Seungmin is already directing the three of you inside the warehouse impatiently. “Ya!”
“Yeah, yeah, finish your game tonight first then I’ll think about letting you in mine. Aish, you two are so mean to me and Jeno all the time.” He huffs with a roll of eyes, stopping right in front of the path behind the audience bleachers leading to the locker rooms.
Turning to you again, he then bids you goodbye with an affectionate pat to your head and a long sigh. “Be careful tonight, okay? Make sure to wear your gear properly.”
“Always am.” You assure with a wink, holding your gear up in front of him before he can take another step back. “Relax, would you? Just enjoy the show tonight!”
Seungmin nods at you with pursed lips one last time before waving goodbye as he starts retreating back into the crowd, most likely to join your other friends at the bleachers. “I’ll see you on the rink!”
“I’ll be the one with the star on my helmet!” You jokingly remind with a chuckle, smiling when he acknowledges you with a final wave before finally turning around to walk away properly.
“Ah, lovebirds.” Yuna comments on the side once Seungmin fully disappears into the crowd, making you glare at her at already knowing where this conversation is going to lead to. “Every single time you’re here without fail. So romantic!”
“Yuna!” You scold much like you’ve been doing the past two months, throwing your arm around her shoulder this time as the two of you now turn left to the lockers. “It’s really not like that!”
“I’m friends with Kai and Jeno but you don’t see those two caring if I die on the rink every game. I’m pretty sure they want me dead more than anything, even.” She points out in defense. “I’m telling you, Seungmin’s a whole keeper! And you already told me you like him too so what’s stopping yo—“
“We’re not dating ever.” You insist stubbornly, entering the locker rooms now where your teammates greet you (and Yeji scolds you again for arriving late). “He’s just looking out for me because he thinks I can’t commit to anything without threatening death. Besides, he’s busy, I’m busy—”
“—You like him, he likes you, you’re both dense.” Yuna interjects in the same enumerating tone you used, settling on a nearby bench as you move to your locker to change and prepare your gear. “The same speech every week, and they’re not even good excuses. Seriously, just date already!”
You open your mouth to respond while taking your outer clothes off, revealing your derby uniform inside, but Lia, as expected, suddenly pops out of nowhere, asking, “Who’s dating?”
“Will date, you mean.” Yuna corrects, turning your frown into a scowl now as you pop your head out of your shirt, carefully discarding the material inside your locker with your gym bag in exchange for your helmet and arm gear. “You already know who.”
At this, you see Lia smile knowingly and lean back on the bench as you hurriedly put on your gear and helmet. “Right, the lovebirds.” She nods at Yuna before turning to you. “Did anything happen this week?”
You quickly shake your head, adjusting your helmet as you do so. “No, Yuna’s just teasing me—again.” You then sit in between the two girls, re-tying your roller skate’s laces. “Don’t listen to her, she’s delusional.”
“Um, delusional for a reason!” The girl in question protests much to Lia’s amusement, bumping her shoulders with yours in the process. “Who even drives people to places even when they don’t want to? And he always insists on looking at your injuries after every game too? I think someone’s whipped and his name begins with a Seung and ends with a Min.”
“He’s just nice and—” You try to insist again but to no avail when you see her raising her eyebrows and smiling suggestively, your hands going up to your face sheepishly as your stubborn front easily breaks down at it. “Ugh, stop with those looks!”
On your sides, you hear Lia and Yuna laugh, patting your back and shoulders comfortingly.
“Hey, you know Yuna’s just messing with you.” Lia reminds you softly after a moment, prying your hands off of your face and helping you up. “You won’t let that get in your head now of all weeks, would you? It’s the re-match game against our seniors tonight!”
“It’s just you always put me up to it. Seriously, stop it!” You groan instead in protest, belatedly swatting the two away as you join your team back outside and to the rink. “I swear, if I end up getting thrown by Jeongyeon across the rink again tonight, I’m blaming it on you because you keep teasing me.”
“Okay, okay, I’ll stop,” Yuna rolls her eyes playfully just as you reach the rink, meeting the crowd’s cheers that momentarily prompts you to wave and smile at them. “maybe until later after the game.”
“Don’t even try pointing at Seungmin to me again mid-game.” You elbow her harshly, ending the conversation as the announcer, Jaemin, calls your team name and starts listing your numbers one by one in introduction.
“...number 5 Lee Chaeryeong, number 9 Shin Yuna, and number 17 Y/N Y/L/N!”
“I don’t have to,” Yuna retorts playfully as she prepares to slide in the rink before you, referring to your last comment. “You always find him yourself, anyway.”
And, as if her words easily got to you, you unconsciously find Seungmin waving at you from the crowd, seated with Jeno, Kai, and Jeongin who are holding yet another cheesy poster for your team. You wave back at him out of courtesy, glancing at Yuna after to roll your eyes in her direction.
“See?” She mouths at you before moving to the very front of the group with Lia and Yeji, starting the game. “Whipped!”
Meanwhile, you skate over to the back with the opposing team’s jammer, Jeongyeon, accepting her high-five before getting in position.
“Y/N, long time no see! Are you with your boyfriend again?” She teases just as Jaemin, blows the first whistle for the pack to start skating. “Seungmin, right? The kid from Legal Management?”
You glance at her briefly, skating on the second whistle first before exclaiming, “Jeongyeon, not you too!”
“I’m just asking!” She holds her hands up in defense, quickening her pace almost at the same time as you do. “Just so I know if you get distracted again!”
“I won’t this time, promise.” You assure, using the conversation to fuel your momentum and easily overtaking her. “I’ll be focused tonight!”
“We’ll see about that!” You hear her yell behind you as she catches up, dodging your teammates while you dodge hers to score a point.
Swiftly, you duck and jump around the pack, making sure to avoid Seungmin’s eyes when you pass his bleachers to prove to Yuna, Lia, and even Jeongyeon otherwise as you come in contact with them.
Eventually, with a little difficulty and a lot of harsh shoulder and hip bumps from Chaeyoung and Dahyun, you then score the first point with a huge gap between you and Jeongyeon.
“See, I’m focused!” You brag to your senior who runs behind you before turning your gaze ahead again.
“And the first 5 points of the night goes to number 17, Y/N!” Meanwhile, Jaemin announces into his mic from the center of the rink, catching a high-five from you as you pass. “Must be all that formal training, huh?”
“What are you talking about? This is how I usually walk!” You reply playfully, eliciting more cheers from the crowd as you naturally change into your athletic persona.
“And the figure skater brags again.” Jaemin muses out loud, receiving the banter well as the host. “Careful there, Y/N, Jeongyeon, number 1, is catching up quickly!”
But despite the warning, you take the time away from the pack to momentarily slow down, waving and receiving more high-fives from the crowd before finally looking over at Seungmin who is now on his feet and clapping wildly while cheering for your team, a stark contrast of his usual worried disposition at the start of the night. When you reach his bleacher as you quicken your pace to try and score another point, you lean over the barrier and send him a confident wink which he receives with a playful scoff.
“What are you doing? Focus on your game!” He scolds, the other boys snickering next to him.
“I’m just checking in with my biggest fan before he goes back to worried mode.” You grin at him, pinching his cheek affectionately. “How was my first five points?”
“Great, great.” He answers quickly, gently pushing you by your shoulder as if gesturing you to go back to your game. “Now, go, you have a pack to catch up to and a game to win.”
Cute, you think to yourself, a grin forming on your features as you bid him goodbye again to go back to chasing the pack around the rink. “Okay, Minnie, whatever you say!”
“You two are so adorable!” Sana points out as you reach her on the side of the pack after, not even bothering to block you or hit you by the hips now with how much she’s gushing over you and Seungmin. “So cute!”
“I know, right? Unnie, can you believe they’re still not dating?” Yuna agrees, letting her guard down momentarily from blocking Sana until she sees Jeongyeon catching up to you from over your shoulder.
“Yuna, stop it!”
“No! It’s fu—oh, look out!”
Behind you, Jeongyeon easily knocks Lia and Chaeryeong off their skates, her hand reaching your shoulder to propel herself forward in the tightly-knit pack.
“Come on, guys, less talking more hitting!” Your opponent jammer sticks her tongue out, purposely waiting for you to catch up before picking up the pace again. “Y/N, you said you’re not getting distracted!”
“Sana and Yuna were ganging up on me!” You retort in protest, bumping her by her shoulders and hips and overtaking her again. “More hitting it is then!”
“Oh, it seems like this second game between Team Neon and Team Magenta is going to be bloody!” Jaemin, quickly picking up on the commotion, comments. “Who will be our winner tonight? It looks like it’s going to be a very close call!”
“Ah, not on my watch.” You mumble under your breath, expertly knocking out Jeongyeon on the way to another five points.
The game ends almost two hours later, the score being 115-110 with your team emerging victorious and at least four overall cuts and bruises around your body. As soon as all the photographs have been taken for Instagram and the weekly plastic trophy has been passed around your team at least twice, Seungmin immediately takes you away from the crowd and your team right after taking your things from the locker room, his adrenaline for watching sports directing its attention to tending to you again and his cheerful expression switching back to worry.
“Minnieee,” You call for him for the second time as you near the bathroom at the end of the hall, tiredly stumbling over nothing when Seungmin doesn’t slow down a bit with his brisk walking. “Minnie, slow down a bit, my legs are tired!”
But he only slows down when you reach the bathroom, gently hoisting you up to sit on the cold marble of the sinks before taking out his first-aid kit and the ice packs he got from Jaemin from the outer pockets of his backpack. His serious and worried expression doesn’t falter once, looking even worse than the one he always wears on your car rides to the game. “Don’t move too much until I—until we’ve checked everything.” He instructs you, lifting your gym bag and his backpack that he’s been carrying with him to the side.
“You’re so serious again.” You feign another frown at him once you’re settled on top of the sink, gaze softening as he quietly and hurriedly shuffles around to wrap the ice packs in towels as if ignoring your comment. “Don’t I get another ‘congrats’ or a ‘good job’? I scored 85 of those 115 points. I’m fine.”
“I already congratulated you with the others out there,” He reminds with a frustrated sigh, carefully inspecting your arms and legs for more bruises he didn’t initially notice. “and you already know you did really well against Jeongyeon this time around but that fall before the 85th point...”
At the mention of your one violent fall tonight, you shift uncomfortably in your seat. “This one?” You ask for confirmation, lifting your shift up and pulling your waistband down slightly against your heated cheeks and Seungmin’s suddenly wide eyes. Clearing your throat, you hide it again from him as quickly as you showed it and assure, “It’s fine, seriously, I—“
But, just as stubborn as you are, Seungmin’s hands move shakily to the hem of your shirt, hesitantly lifting it up after looking up at you in permission to see the harsh mark. “I-It’s turning blue. You didn’t even ice it up properly when you switched positions with Chaeyeon.” He argues back as firmly as he can and thus cutting you off from showing him your other bruises, his other hand holding up the ice pack in between the two of you. “This one really needs the ice pack more than the rest.”
Your eyes widen back at him because of the gesture, freezing for a moment in place until you quickly regain composure and manage to stutter out, “O-okay, fine...” And with that, you take his hand off your shirt, holding it up yourself while your other hand takes the ice pack from him. “Th—shit—t-thanks.”
Seungmin only nods and hums in acknowledgement awkwardly, picking up two other ice packs wrapped in a towels and leaving one to rest on your right thigh while he hovers the other over your your collarbones. “The other two don’t look too bad, though.” He comments, changing the topic and muttering a quick apology when you hiss at the simultaneous cold contact on your skin. “You’re not hurt anywhere else, right?”
“I think I have a cut on my feet, I’m not sure, it stings a bit when I put too much pressure.” You shrug your free shoulder carefully, meeting Seungmin’s eyes when you turn to him again and find him hovering dangerously close to your face. With the way he looks at you expectantly for answers, you immediately figure out that it’s not time to tease or play games with him anymore. “I-I’ll just—walk back out with slippers, it’s probably just the blisters from last week.”
“We’ll have to check that too. You also have a cut on your lip, you know.” He points out after when he leans closer, his free hand picking up a small box of face tissues from the first-aid kit. “When did this even happen?”
Instinctively, you reach out to touch your bare lips first before taking the tissues from him, only then noticing the dry skin bumps that have now formed around what you assume would be a dried cut. “Huh, I didn’t even notice.” You muse out loud, closing your mouth and taking the tissues from Seungmin immediately when you feel the wound open slightly again. “It must be from when Chaeyoung hit me—shit.”
“Nothing you can’t handle, huh?” Seungmin mumbles under his breath, looking down on your thigh to check the bruise under the ice pack he left freely on top of it. “You’re so clumsy.”
You frown at him and the reference to earlier this evening, making him crack a small amused smile when he meets your gaze again. “Fine, maybe I am a bit—clumsy.” You admit hesitantly with a sigh and a roll of your eyes when he raises an eyebrow at you again. “But at least I got you to patch me up every time, right?”
“And that’s why I chaperone you.” He reiterates firmly, briefly taking off the ice pack he’s holding against your collarbones to inspect the bruise after and furrowing his eyebrows.
“Tch, it’s not like this happens every week. It just happened that tonight was extra violent, you know.” You reply slowly before licking your lips and disposing the tissue into a nearby chute.
“Yeah but point you still got hurt like you always do every single week.” He retorts before picking up the ointment and cotton balls next to you, taking a step back and crouching down to the level of your skates. Untying your shoelaces then taking your skates and socks off, you lean forward to see Seungmin wince at the amount of red blotches and commenting, “Look, you even managed to open your blisters tonight.”
“Is it that ba—sh-shit! Ya, Minnie, you’re pressing too hard on i—ya, it hurts!” You wince when Seungmin presses a cotton ball coated in ointment on one of your blisters, making you instinctively grip on the edge of the sink and lean back.
“Ya, you really didn’t notice this? At all?” He scolds, cleaning your wounds again but this time simultaneously evading your unconscious attempts at kicking his face.
“Well, I was too happy knowing that we’re advancing to fina—ow, ow, ow, it stings!”
“Ah, seriously. Ya, stop moving too much, I still need to bandage these.” He hisses, slapping your leg gently before going back to cleaning your wounds. “I’ll make it up to you later, promise.”
“Piggyback and ice cream?” You pout. “You’re being really harsh on my blisters.”
“Wheelchair if you don’t behave and kick me in the face.” He threatens, holding your feet in place by your ankles before going back to cleaning the rest of your wounds. “Now, just hold it in a bit.”
two - sunday
Seungmin also dotes on you by randomly checking in during your training hours. Though he’s always done this even before you started training competitively, ever since you’ve picked up your side hobby of roller derby this summer he’s started picking up a more consistent schedule of coming over on Sunday mornings (when he knows you’d still push yourself to attend training) to make sure that you’re not overworking and further damaging your already bruised and wounded body. It’s a bit too much for his character, you’d know very well as his best friend with years of observing how he treats his other student athlete friends, but he always brings you coffee and a cheat meal bento for when Coach Park isn’t looking so you can’t really complain.
“Minnie!” You greet him with a wave as he finally arrives, 8 PM on the dot just as you finish your best attempt at warming up your already sore body. Skating over to his side of the audience area, you then lean over the barriers with your arms folded on top of it with an anticipating smile, watching him get comfortable in his unofficial seat in the middle of the front row. “What do you have for me today?”
“It’s Korean special for today.” He answers with a smile, taking out a pair of familiar white bento boxes typically sold at the cafeteria of the nearby College of Architecture and shaking it in front of you before placing it on the seat next to him. Looking around the empty rink, he then asks, “Coach Park isn’t with you today?”
“Faculty meeting, won’t be back until lunch,” You shrug before another thought crosses your mind. “Hey, do you want to skate?”
Seungmin hesitantly shakes his head in front of your wide eyes, sinking in his seat. “No, I’m good, thanks.” He shrugs as casually as he can, though you’re quicker to take note of his gaze lingering on the smooth ice.
So, stubborn as you are, you insist anyway, “I see that look!”
“You’re supposed to be training—actually, you shouldn’t even be with all the hits you took last night.” He points out. “Anyway, don’t you need the whole rink?”
“I’ll be here the whole day. I can just practice seriously when Coach Park is actually here.” You grin widely, smoothly gliding to the gates now to fetch him. When he doesn’t move in his seat, you continue further up the stairs until your blades hit the rubber mats of the audience area. “And like you said, I shouldn’t be training with all the hits I took last night.”
“We can just skate around leisurely!” You conclude, Seungmin’s eyes narrowing up at you when you reach him and his body automatically cringing at the sound of your blades hitting rubber.
In response, you take hold of his free hand with your own while the other puts his backpack to the side, tugging him to the direction of the locker rooms. “I’m injured so I need help getting around.” You answer after halfheartedly.
“You were already skating before I could even get here.” He tries reasoning out but before he can even continue, you’ve already managed to pull him up to a stand, almost tripping the two of you even until he quickly balanced himself right in front of you.
“Kids will start training here by next week so this is literally the last time we’ll have the ice on our own for a while.” You counter back, already pulling him to the locker rooms with the loud thud of your blades. Glancing over at him from behind your shoulder, you chuckle as you catch Seungmin’s expression change into that of resignation as he finally lets you pull him along. “Ha, knew it.”
“I’m just looking out for you,” He states, more to convince himself than you. At that, you reach the locker room, proceeding straight to the unclaimed locker next to yours by the door for Seungmin’s skates—an old pair you stole from his house some two Christmases ago when he started visiting you like this.
“Right, right.” You giggle at him, passing him his skates and taking out another article of clothing from the lockers, this time a familiar hoodie from your locker that immediately catches Seungmin’s eye. “Just put these on.”
“Didn’t you say you lost this hoodie?”
“It actually got lost in my laundry for two months bu—ya, don’t look at me like that! At least I’m giving it back now! I don’t want you getting in there cold!”
Seungmin is exceptionally knowledgeable on many things like Legal Management (his course), baseball, music (especially singing with the amount of times he hangs out with Jeongin, his other best friend), and skating—but the last is quite debatable since his knowledge is limited to growing up watching you upgrade from the lake behind your houses when you were five to the rinks you train at today. He still doesn’t get how scoring works (”But you looked so great out there!” “Not to the judges, I guess.” “Huh?!”) and he still can’t differentiate the common jumps in competitive figure skating that well but you trust him as one who has a good eye for artistry and technique. He is a fellow athlete, after all.
“Can you extend your arms a little more?” He asks after you’ve shown him a particular step in a work-in-progress choreography for next year’s Championships. After a mini argument with him over whether you’ll practice your stunts while he’s still with you or just skate around until you feel tired, he somehow convinced you to show your choreography first before skating with you by offering to treat you to another bento box and a cup of iced coffee later.
Damn his negotiating skills.
Skating back to him from the other side of the rink, you sigh. “I mean I can if I’m not injured at the moment.” You answer, gesturing to the bruise on your collarbone hidden behind your own long sleeves. “Maybe on the day itself, you know, 7 months from now.”
“Then you should make sure to extend your arms out in that move when your bruise heals so you look pretty,” He concludes, taking your phone out of his pocket and pressing pause on your chosen music that now fades to a segment without choreography yet. “and don’t play any derby on that month.”
The last comment makes you smile as you now leisurely skate in circles around him. “So you’re allowing me to play derby until next year?” You ask with your most hopeful look, halting to a stop next to him and linking your arms with his after.
“I’m just saying in case you still want to play derby until next year.” He shrugs, following you around the rink when you tug him forward. “The choice is still up to you.”
You then take this as a sign that you can now skate freely around after a whole hour of “practice,” mindlessly leading the two of you around the ice. Seungmin would still trip a little bit no matter how many times you’ve tried teaching him how to glide smoothly on the ice but you pretend to not take notice of this, gently helping him balance himself wordlessly instead.
“Wait, do you still want to?” He asks after a moment. “Play after the summer, I mean?”
You shrug back, alternating your attention between thinking of a more elaborate answer and looking down on Seungmin’s skates to make sure he’s not threatening another fall. “Derby’s fun and all, especially right now on my off-season but I don’t know. It does take a toll sometimes.” You end up saying in the end, guiding Seungmin around the curve of the rink in increasingly larger glides. “Coach Park’s kind of getting mad at me already too when she sees some of my blisters since it’s not helping me break in my new skates.”
“So...yes, no, maybe?”
“Maybe.” You answer, looking up at him and admiring the way he concentrates on balancing himself. “Besides, I still have to ask you about it too.”
At that, you catch Seungmin’s gaze and raised eyebrow. “Me?” He repeats, almost falling over in front of him and prompting you to slow down.
“Yeah,” You naturally follow up, skating ahead of him and moving your hands back into his as you try skating backwards this time. “as my no. 1 fan—and by that I mean my best friend who always scolds me before and after the games but cheers on me wildly during—what do you think?”
You observe Seungmin without too much anticipation in your expression in case he correctly guesses that you’re expecting a certain answer from him.
“I’ve already told you before...” He eventually trails off after a moment before glancing at you again and sighing. “...it’s just, you look like you’re having fun but—”
“But it’s dangerous.“
“But you should play less.” He corrects seriously, skating the arms distance between the two of you and placing his hands on your upper arms, holding you in place. With this gesture, you look up at him with a confused expression, trying to decipher all the thoughts that seem to run over a mile a second in the way he glances back at you. “I’m always behind you and whatever you do, even if it’s dangerous and stupid, that’s what best friends do—but even that has limits sometimes.”
You pause. For some reason, you don’t think of an immediate and witty comeback to lighten what has unconsciously become a sincere atmosphere, your thoughts lingering instead to the conversation you had with Yuna just last night.
“Who even drives people to places even when they don’t want to?” You hear your friend loud and clear in your mind, almost nagging even.
Definitely not Seungmin, you think to yourself, especially if it’s another person like Hyunjin or Jeongin...
“Y/N?” Seungmin suddenly calls for you, his voice just barely above a whisper as he hesitantly lets go of your arms and snaps you out of your daze.
Blinking twice up at him, you catch him just in time before he can even skate back away from you, holding him by his fingertips. “So...” You trail off, furrowing your eyebrows in thought. “so yes, no, maybe—?”
“Maybe.” He finishes the thought for you, rubbing the nape of his neck awkwardly before huffing slightly in the cold, a puff of white air escaping his pink lips. “That’s a maybe too, I guess.”
You nod slowly in acknowledgement, tugging him forwards. “So, in conclusion,” You reply slowly, changing your direction again as you now move yourself and Seungmin to the very center of the rink before breaking out into a chuckle to diffuse the unnecessarily tense atmosphere. “let’s get back to it after the summer?”
“That and don’t play derby when the time comes that you’re actually in Championships.” Seungmin points out, catching up with you now so you’re skating next to each other again. “Multi-tasking isn’t really your strongest suit.”
“Ya!” You protest, elbowing him gently and making him laugh.
“I was just kidding!” When you try skating away from him, Seungmin latches onto your elbow and desperately pulls you back to his side, barely missing another threat of a fall. “Don’t let go, I’ll trip!”
“Says the one who called me clumsy that I can’t multitask.” You roll your eyes with an amused chuckle
“We just had a really heartfelt talk and that’s all you picked up?” Seungmin feigns a frown at you, tightening his arms linked to yours. “You’re unbelievable sometimes.”
“It’s not like we don’t always talk about it.” You scoff, pulling Seungmin close by linking your arms again. “Though, I am a bit surprised with today’s answer. You just always know how to re-word the same thing a bunch of times, huh?”
“You brought it up and I answered sincerely.” He gestures to you with a tilt of his head, looking down on his skates after. “I didn’t even know my opinion was that important to you. I mean, you have been ignoring it for 2 months straight.”
“Like I said, no. 1 fan.” You grin before nudging him by his shoulder. “And I don’t ignore your opinion, I’ve been retiring from the game itself earlier like you asked me to before!”
“As if that makes a difference.” He rolls his eyes, pursing his lips before he could comment further. “You still play 3/4 of the game, anyway.”
“We’re going to argue about this for the whole morning if ever, Kim Seungmin.” You chuckle, holding his hand again and leading him to another spin around the rink. “Let’s just skate freely for now, hm?”
Coach Park arrives an hour earlier than she intended later on while you and Seungmin ate your bento boxes, prompting your best friend to not return to the ice after and to simply watch you from the stands instead. When your training ends almost five hours later, you’re quick to change back into your shoes in the locker rooms to return back to Seungmin’s side, making even your coach laugh in amusement.
“I’ll see you next week Thursday, correct?” Coach Park asks you as she readies to shut the power off the venue, still chuckling every time she glances at you standing next to Seungmin by the entrance. “Those wounds should improve by then so we can start landing at least half of your jumps.”
You nod, adjusting your gym bag on your one shoulder. “I’ll rest until then, promise!”
Coach Park then turns to Seungmin with a feigned strict look, pointing at you as she then instructs, “Look after them, Kim, alright? I trust you’ll keep Y/N in check until then.”
“I will, coach.” Seungmin assures with a nod and a smile himself, slinging an arm over your waist to help you balance yourself before turning you towards the direction of the entrance doors and concluding, “We’ll be off now!”
“Alright, see you!” You hear coach Park bid you goodbye before you pass through the double doors of the entrance, getting pulled to the direction of the parking lot by Seungmin after.
“I thought you’re buying me an extra bento box? And iced coffee?” You ask when you don’t make the turn leading to the College of Architecture, following Seungmin straight ahead to his car parked right across the building entrance anyway. “Ya, Minnie—”
“I texted Changbin to buy, it should be at your dorm’s kitchen by now.” Seungmin answers casually, taking out his keys from his hoodie pocket and pointing it to his car. Once you near the vehicle, he then opens the door for you on the front passenger seat, wordlessly taking your gym bag and placing it in the back along with his backpack. “If not, then I’ll just drive back here, I don’t have anywhere to be today.”
You smile at the thought, happily putting on your seatbelt. “I love you, have I said that this week?” You chuckle, wrapping an arm behind his waist in a side hug before he can close the door. “You’re the best, capt.!”
“It’s weird when you call me capt.” He feigns a scowl, patting your head and briefly hugging you back anyway. “And you only love me because I practically babysit you.”
"I never even asked to be babysit in the first place.” You pout, following him with your eyes even when he closes the door and moves to the other side of the vehicle to the driver’s seat. Turning your body to his direction as he turns on the ignition and starts driving away, you then add, “You’re supposed to say you love me too, capt.”
Seungmin rolls his eyes in an attempt to move your eyes away from the wild blush on his cheeks. “Put your seatbelt on.” He steers the conversation instead, placing a hand behind your headrest as he backs the car away from the parking.
“‘I love you too’?”
“What do you want to do when we get to your dorm?”
“Okay, I’ll take that. How about you choose the movie for today?”
three - wednesday
Though he never demands you for it from knowing full-well your own busy training schedule and classes, you’ve always made sure to attend each and every baseball game Seungmin participates in ever since you were children to cheer him on and he’s always thought that that’s your own version of showing your affection to him in return for his support for you. Though you can get a bit embarrassing cheering on him the loudest and always wearing his extra old jerseys to the games, he never complains about it anyway and only argues with you after the game about other things, mostly you skipping your own training to see him or attending his games instead of resting at home like today. It definitely is love—simultaneously a heartwarming and worrying one at that.
So today, at his baseball team’s scrimmage, he’s not even that surprised anymore when you show up with Jeongin by your side, insisting that your cuts and bruises are already manageable enough to let you walk without needing much help. He is, however, still worried over your well-being as usual.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asks you for the fourth time since you met up right outside the field, an arm draped over your shoulder as you walk. Ahead of you, Jeongin and Yuna have already reserved seats along with the rest of your friend group, chatting away with some members of the team. “And you’re not skipping any training today?”
“I already told you, Minnie,” You giggle, limping a little from your blisters and leaning most of your weight to him with your hand on his waist. “My next training’s next week, you were even there when Coach Park reminded me! And it’s not like I’m playing, I’m just going to watch you today!”
“I’m mainly worried about your blisters since you were training last Sunday. You could’ve just rested at the dorms today.” He points out, sitting you down next to Jeongin on the aisle before kneeling right in front of you. “It’s just a scrimmage, anyway.”
“But I don’t want to miss a game,” You insist stubbornly, smiling reassuringly at him and his furrowed eyebrows. “and even if it’s just a scrimmage, it’s still you playing. I want to see you play.”
With this, Seungmin eventually sighs in defeat. “Whatever, not like I can walk you home now and get back to the game in time.”
“I’m already here and you can’t do anything about it.” You affirm with a chuckle, patting his arm. “Now, go, shoo, you have a scrimmage to win.”
Seungmin then turns to Jeongin, gesturing to you as he stands up, “Look after Y/N, please?”
“If you mean look after them as in not letting them topple over the seats then sure.” Jeongin nods with a laugh.
“Hey, I don’t—!”
But, as if ignoring your protests, Seungmin nods gratefully and bids you two goodbye. “Thanks!” He then turns to his teammates before you could even finish another sentence, ushering everyone to jog back to the field. “Okay, guys, chat time’s over. Let’s head to the field!”
“Ay, Seung, don’t get too flustered over Y/N now!” Jisung reminds him with a hand over the younger boy’s shoulders and a snicker, tapping on the mound with his glove as the two reach their designated positions. “Jeno’s pitching, too, you might get hit in the face if you’ll just keep looking at your Y/N.”
“Shut up, Ji.” Seungmin rolls his eyes, tapping on the mound as well with his bat just as Jeno signals from across the diamond, preparing to pitch. With one last glance at you, he then mutters to himself, “Aish, why did they even come today? They’re injured.”
Jisung opens his mouth to speak behind his helmet to ask what Seungmin could mean with his last comment but he’s inadvertently cut off by Jeno signaling for everyone to get ready, expertly throwing the first ball which Seungmin instinctively hits hard with his bat, prompting him to start running to first base before Daehwi and Eunwoo could even retrieve it by the chain link fences of the field, thus leaving Jisung to his thoughts.
“Yay, let’s go Kim Seungmin!” You cheer and yell from the bleachers, almost standing up with a struggle until Jeongin pulls you down by your arms, most likely to remind you of your injuries, which Seungmin is more than grateful for. “Go Minnie! Number 22! Number 22!”
As he runs, Seungmin makes sure to wave at you in responds when he passes by your bleachers, sending a bashful smile your way that only fuels more teasing from Jeongin without him noticing. You wave both hands back in response before he could turn his eyes back ahead, sinking in your seat as he now tries to aim for second base seeing everyone moving a bit slower than usual.
Eventually, he makes it to second base just in time, sliding into the plate and narrowly missing Daehwi’s attempt at getting him out.
“Yay, let’s go Seungmin!” He hears you yell and clap loudly again, making his ears heat up and everyone in the diamond to stifle their giggles.
“Hey, isn’t Y/N injured from last Saturday?” Daehwi asks at belatedly noticing your presence.
Seungmin then stands up and dusts the dirt off his uniform, adjusting his cap and turning his focus to Jeno and Hyunjin (who bats next) ahead. “I insisted that they skip today’s game since it’s just a scrimmage but you know how they are.”
“Really? That’s so sweet!” Daehwi squeals in delight, waving at you and the others from others bleachers. “and here everyone thought that Y/N skipping training was already cute enough! They just outdo themselves every time!”
“Way to romanticize injuries, Dae.” Seungmin scoffs, hiding a smile from Daehwi. Simultaneously, Jeno signals again that the game is about to start, preparing to pitch. “Seriously, it’s not cute. I’m more worried than flattered.”
“Right, because waving at them while running was definitely being worried,” Daehwi chuckles, getting in position again. “Just say you’re whipped and go.”
“You wish,” Seungmin scrunches up his nose, successfully dodging Daehwi again and leaving him on the second base. “but I do have to get going now!”
“Woo! Go Seungmin!” You yell loudly and repeatedly again, until he successfully reaches home base which prompts you to finally stand up and jump around in cheer despite the pain your lower half. “Way to go Seungmin!”
Seungmin can only roll his eyes at you as he walks off the field, scoffing in disbelief when you don’t stop cheering even as he approaches you from the other side of the chain link fences since he’s already done for this particular inning.
“Why are you up? You’re injured.” He frowns, his hands going up the chain links. “Sit down, Y/N.”
“I’m fine!” You dismiss, sitting down anyway when Jeongin and Yuna start tugging on your shirt for you to sit down. “But, more importantly, you did well!”
“It’s just the first inning—and a scrimmage.”
“Scrimmage, formal game, it’s all the same, you don’t have to say it twice.” You retort, rolling your eyes and chuckling. “You looked really cool out there!”
The last comment definitely catches Seungmin off-guard but he hides it better this time, waving his hand in front of him. “It was nothing.”
“So modest,” You scoff with a proud smile, leaning forward and linking your hands between the chain links. “What do you want after the game? Ice cream? Tteokbeokki?”
“Don’t stand up too much during the game and I’ll think about it,” He answers instead. “and we’re not going anywhere after this with your injuries. I’m taking you straight home.”
“Fine.” You huff in defeat, gesturing to his teammates after. “Okay, now go back, Jeno’s looking at us weird.”
“Don’t stand up again!”
Seungmin meets up with you again after the game. When the scrimmage ends later that afternoon with Jeno’s team winning at 14-18 and everyone heading straight to the showers, he sees you with Jeongin right outside of the locker rooms, sitting on a nearby bench while the younger boy pesters you with questions on your summer training and last Saturday’s game.
“Hey, Y/N!” Jisung, accompanying Seungmin on the way out, greets you with an innocent slap to your back before your best friend could, making you wince in pain. “Oh, shit, sorry!”
“Ya,” Seungmin reprimands him firmly, slapping Jisung’s hand away from you before helping you up from the bench. “Careful, Y/N’s injured.”
“Why?” Jisung asks curiously, making everyone turn to him.
“Derby last Saturday.” You answer sheepishly, leaning your weight to Seungmin again appreciatively as he helps you balance yourself. “Got knocked out before scoring a point.”
“You would’ve seen if you didn’t have a date that day.” Hyunjin adds, playfully catching Jisung in a chokehold as your group now walks out of the lockers rooms and outside the field. “It was so bloody as fuck, they were against the league veterans!”
“You make it sound like I died and got resurrected.” You scoff, reaching out for Hyunjin with a struggle and slapping his arm.
“Don’t entertain him too much, he’s just dramatic.” Seungmin assures you, eliciting protests from Hyunjin.
“Really?” Meanwhile, Jisung frowns in jealously, prying Hyunjin off of him and kicking him from behind his knees as a comeback. “Ay, I really would’ve gone if only Haneul liked watching derby.”
“They don’t seem to like watching sports in general,” Jeongin points out bluntly, you nodding along to his right. “why are you still going out with this person, even? Clearly, they’re not interested in your major passion.”
“Because I like them,” the boy in question shrugs without hesitation, making you tilt your head in confusion. “I mean, Haneul’s cool but we—I guess we never really talked about the whole sports thing.”
“Why not? Bro, you’re aiming for the national team.” Hyunjin prods this time. By now, your group has reached and stopped on the sidewalk of the main campus road where you’re supposed to part ways since Jeno’s hosting a get-together but Seungmin’s insisted on taking you home. “In a few years, it’s gonna be weird being in games and having one less person to cheer you on, especially if that person’s your girlfriend.”
“Well, not everyone’s lucky enough to being in love with people who have similar hobbies as they do.” Jisung rolls his eyes dryly, his gaze instinctively landing to you and Seungmin after which only prompts you to raise an eyebrow while Seungmin glares at Jisung.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” You ask, making Jisung chuckle.
“Nothing, nothing.” He waves his hand dismissively at you before turning to Hyunjin and Jeongin. “Anyway, Haneul and I will talk about it again more later on. Personally, I’m not that bothered right now—I’m just happy we get to hang out.”
“But that’s because you started dating before any major games.” Seungmin speaks up after a while.
Jeongin nods in agreement. “We’ll really just have to see next Friday if you still think that way.”
“Seung, Y/N always attends our games so I don’t think you’re qualified to speak over my love life.” Jisung deadpans, prompting Seungmin to hit him again. “Ow! But it’s true!”
“What?” You scoff, finally getting what he means but pretending to not know anyway in embarrassment.
“Whatever.” Seungmin huffs dismissively at Jisung, directing you away from the group now. “Anyway, we’ll get going now. It’s getting late.”
“We’re seriously going home?” You frown up at Seungmin who’s now standing behind you, both his hands on your shoulders as he moves you to the opposite direction of where the rest of the boys are going. “I was hoping you’d change your mind last minute.”
“I didn’t bring my car here today and Jeno’s dorm’s on the other side of campus.” Seungmin answers your question, waving goodbye to the others. “Come on, let’s go home. We can order again or something.”
“Fine.” You sigh in defeat, letting him walk you backwards as you reluctantly wave goodbye at everyone. “Bye, guys. I guess I’ll see you next Friday.”
“Bye!” Hyunjin, Jisung, and Jeongin wave back at you as they laugh over your frown, the eldest boy making sure to add, “Have fun on your date!”
“It’s not a date!” You yell back at him in exasperation, making the three laugh.
“We’ll make sure to eat well for you!” Jisung teases, winking at you before Seungmin could pull you to the left turn leading back to your dorms. Before you completely part ways, you hear him yell, “Alright, now let’s eat samgyeopsal!”
Heading back to your dorm now, Seungmin stands next to you again, draping his arm over your shoulder again and matching your pace. You walk in comfortable silence for a while, that is until you think about Jisung’s words once again, prompting you to ask, “What was that about by the way?”
“The thing with Haneul.” You clarify, tearing your gaze away from him to look down on the ground. “Jisung said something about other people being lucky that they like people who have similar hobbies then looked at you.”
“Looked at me? I thought he was looking at you?” Seungmin tries to joke awkwardly before stopping when you don’t laugh along. “It’s nothing, he’s just being weird.”
You furrow your eyebrows, looking up at him only to meet his side profile. Taking a quick inhale, you then try asking, “Seungmin...do you perhaps—do you like anyone lately?”
At that, Seungmin almost trips over nothing uncharacteristically, his grip on your shoulder accidentally tightening when he holds onto you for support. “Sorry, um—w-what?”
“It’s just,” You shrug awkwardly, feeling smaller under his arm now that your impulsive question suddenly made the air awkward. You walk slower now, despite your dorm being only a block away now. “what Jisung said and—and, you know, you’ve been busy lately.”
“Yeah, because of you and classes.” He points out, still with furrowed eyebrows. “I don’t—I don’t have time to date.”
“But do you want to?”
“I-If you weren’t busy with classes, training...looking after my clumsy ass and all—would you...would you want to date anyone? Do you like...someone?” You clarify as clearly and as eloquently as you can against the pain on your feet from walking and the sudden loud hammering of your heart against your chest. Why did I even ask? You can only scold yourself internally, keeping a front anyway now that you’re in too deep to change the topic now.
Next to you, Seungmin thinks about your question carefully. He’s not actually thinking about the question per se, more like thinking about why you would ask such question. Are you expecting some kind of answer? “I...” He trails off in thought, catching your gaze momentarily from the corner of his eye. “N-No, not really.”
“Oh.” You muse out loud, trying your best to hide your disappointment. “I guess that’s understandable. You’re aiming for the national team, after all.”
Seungmin then stops walking altogether, making you stop. In front of you, you see your dorm building coming into view, confusing you even more when he moves in front of you.
“No, it’s....“ He shrugs, looking down on his hands before flitting his eyes up again to you. “all my time’s for you, classes, and training right now and it’s fine. Sure, the end goal’s the national team but at the same time, I have all I need right now—dating just so happens to not really a top priority right now.”
You nod slowly with a low hum, smiling at his sincerity after a while. “So I’m top priority?”
At your comment, his sincere facade immediately fades into a scoff, rubbing his temples up in frustration. “I answer your question sincerely and all you pick up is you being a priority?” He asks in disbelief, making you laugh. “And here I was, about to offer you piggyback again.”
“I was just kidding!” You bluff in between laughs, extending your arms out for him to carry you. “Piggyback, please! I live on the third floor!”
“Maybe if you didn’t respond weirdly to my emotional rant—“
“Ya, Seungmin!” You protest, hopping on your better foot and jumping on his back before he could even move away from you. “Ha! Got you!”
Reluctantly, Seungmin then adjusts the strap of his gym bag on his shoulder and hooks his arms under your legs. “If you’re not so injured right now, I’d drop you on the ground.” He hoists you up on his back with a groan, continuing to walk forward anyway. “Ah, this brat.”
You chuckle, pinching his cheeks before resting your arms on his shoulders. “But seriously...” You trail off with an awkward cough. “Just date, dude, you can multitask, better than me at least.”
You then hear Seungmin mumble under his breath, “Maybe if...” but you fail to catch the last words as he then shakes his head and adds, “Ah, whatever. How did we even get to this kind of talk?”
five - saturday
As if the universe is conspiring against you, you end up getting severely injured halfway through your next derby game the following Saturday. When the score is 45-70 in favor of the opposing team, you end up taking a nasty fall after successfully scoring a point, causing a broken nose.
So much for all the talks you had with Seungmin in the past days, you think to yourself as you catch his surprised gaze from across the rink.
Maybe it’s also because of how you’ve been talking to him a lot lately about his concerns for you and this sport that he immediately rushes to your side as Yuna and Yeji help you walk from the rink to the locker room as Jaemin suddenly announces a short break. Quickly and gently taking your arm from Yeji’s shoulder from the sides of the rink, the next three minutes are a bit of a blur to you as Seungmin multitasks between examining your bruises, assuring your teammates that he can take care of you, and walking you to the nearest bathroom—all the while scolding you under his breath.
You can only pout at him the whole way, letting him drag you along with him until he’s hoisting you up again on top of the sink counter much like every other Saturday.
Except it feels a bit different this time, especially since Seungmin has never looked this worried since you started this sport 2 months ago.
“Okay, let’s see that bloody nose again.” He asks you after a while, tilting your face downwards with his one hand (the other holding an ice pack from Jaemin) and scrunching up his nose with furrowed eyebrows. “Yikes.”
“I’m sort of choking here a bit.” You point out, shifting uncomfortably in your place at the feeling of blood on your tongue and the realization that you also have small cuts on your lips. “Um...”
You see his eyebrows furrow deeper in thought as he then turns to his side and places his backpack next to you, temporarily placing the ice pack in the space between your leg and his backpack and taking out a first aid kit. “That bad? Fuck.” He hisses under his breath, more to himself than to you, as he proceeds to prepare a whole bag of cotton balls, wipes, and ointment. “I can clean and ice this up but we’ll have to go immediately after this and get you checked out at the clinic across the street.”
“Really?” You wince at seeing Seungmin hold up a wet wipe to your face. “So I can’t finish the game?”
“You’re face is broken and you’re thinking about the game? Y/N, please...” He sighs disapprovingly at you, cupping your chin again and lightly dabbing on the trail of blood on your face with the wet wipe. “Try to hold in the pain for a bit while I clean your face and maybe try not to think about the game.”
"Sorry...” You trail off, pouting up at Seungmin and earning you another sigh from him.
“This is the worst I’ve seen you.” He muses out loud, his furrowed eyebrows slowly softening as he purses his lips. “What even happened back there? It was all too quick for me, to be honest.”
“The other team’s jammer bumped me a bit too harsh.” You reply slowly, careful of the blood on your lips and the sting you feel from inhaling. In front of you, Seungmin unconsciously winces through carefully cleaning your face. “We were skating on the slope going up so I ended up hitting my face on the barriers.”
“They’re visitors, right?” He asks you next and you nod quietly in response. “I’ll have to remind Jaemin to talk to them. If not, I’ll talk to them myself...”
“You fell really bad, they should be accountable.” He insists anyway. “Even if derby’s a violent sport, there are still limits to it and this is just too much.”
You unconsciously mirror Seungmin’s frown the longer he stares down at the bloodied lower half of your face, your shoulders slouching deeply when he finally reaches the end of the drying red trail on your chin with his third wet wipe. The physical pain of a broken nose and a bruised lip can’t even compete with the guilt pooling in your stomach now as you observe your best friend’s disappointed expression, making you wince less and sigh more in front of him at knowing full well that it’s all because of how you played tonight. “Just say it already.”
“Say what?” He mumbles back, now with a raised eyebrow at you as he disposes off the used wet wipes next to you on top of the sink counter. He then passes you the ice pack, guiding your hands to slowly move it up to your nose. “Where’s this coming from all of a sudden?”
You see the genuine anticipation in his eyes of what you meant by your words, making you look down on your free hand rested right on top of the faint bruise marks on your lap. “That I’m being stupid for pursuing this sport, that I should stop playing.” You answer quietly as you shift in your seat. “It’s just that we were talking about this exact thing for the whole week and then it happens and now you look so upset so I thought...”
In front of you, you hear Seungmin sigh before gently tilting your chin up again, meeting your eyes with a soft gaze before moving his hands up to carefully massage your cheeks. “Ya, you’re not stupid,” He shakes his head. “you’re just clumsy sometimes but that’s because you keep forgetting that you’re supposed to be on wheels here and not blades.”
“And this incident wasn’t your fault.” He adds after a while, when you don’t immediately speak. “I’m not mad at you, just frustrated. I’m mad at the other team, though.”
"Seungmin—” You huff in his touch, cracking a small and brief smile on his face.
“Anyway, I still think you should lessen playing, especially since the semester’s about to start again.” He interjects quickly before you can even say another word, briefly turning to your side to pass you another bundle of face tissues when he hears you sniffling. “but I’ll never ask you to stop playing completely because I know you really enjoy this. The same applies to the other one, of course.”
“Besides, what sport doesn’t involve getting hurt?” He adds as an after thought, taking out two plies of tissue for your incoming cold and the stray tear on your cheek.
“Um, board games?” You muse out loud as you take the tissues in his hands and place them in between your face and your ice pack, fully cracking his serious façade this time as he breaks into a scoff.
“You know what I mean.” You see Seungmin roll his eyes at you, making you purse your lips as a smile tries making its way on your cuts. When he sees your reaction, his thumb instinctively moves over to your bottom lip, stopping you from smiling. “Don’t smile, dummy, we just fixed that lip cut.”
The gesture makes your heart flip and your gaze unconsciously softens at him as you watch him dispose of all your trash with a small ‘alright, done.’ under his breath. “Have I told you I love you this week?” You speak in a low voice with no intention of sounding teasing at all this time, giving him a tight-lipped smile when he looks up at you again in confusion. “You’re the best, capt.”
It takes him a moment to process your words, especially with the unusual tone in your voice. Eventually, you see him return your smile. “You already did. I’m just looking out for you as usual.” He shrugs bashfully, offering you a hand which you gladly accept when you stand. “I love you too...”
“I know.” You nod, tugging on him by your intertwined hands and pressing a light kiss on his cheek when he tilts his head to your side. “I’m sorry again.”
“You’re being soft all of a sudden.” He points out, biting down a small smile. “It’s probably the fall.”
You roll your eyes at him, pressing the ice pack closer to your face. “How many minutes do I have to hold this ice again?”
“If you’re thinking of throwing that on my face, I’ll have you know I can deny you entry on my game next Friday.” He warns, placing his hand on the ice pack again to check your wound. “Fifteen more minutes. I’ll text Jaemin and Yeji for now, the clinic should still be open at this time.”
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ok death stranding time: i finished most of it and only have the presidental inauguration or w/e left but. i just feel very meh abt it. aside from the disgusting treatment of the women in game and being hit over the head with the message at every turn... it was just dull. and its sad because it sounded intriguing and fun and was portrayed as this immersing experience but then actually playing it there was no real tension or...passion
aside from the landscape there was so little to actually explore storywise. i didnt need several characters monologueing for hours abt the lore, i wanted to make my own connections and theories! every 'big reveal' was just me going ok i guess this might as well happen. the only twist that actually felt clever and fun was cliff being sams father bc u already get flashbacks from what u think is bbs perspective but then boom its YOU. but why have him tell me that if instead u could get to investigate the bb experiments yourself, go to that clinic and find records of him being sams father nd the next time he traps u in his supercell u confront him abt it and get an emotional moment where he finally lets go of his anger and resentment or whatever and maybe we actually get a reaction from sam.
it also did such a shit job at making me care abt any of the characters and even sam who is supposed to be. idk relatable bc hes the playable character, was just boring and his character development was barely shown. you meet all those people and his reaction to them is either non existent or dismissive. and i get that the focus is supposed to be more on the ppl he meets than him but they all felt so... polished i didnt vibe with any of them either. ALSo if he doesnt care abt america and i dont care abt america. who the hell is driving the delivery truck!!!!
in the end i feel like the game wants to be a lot of things but doesnt really know what to stick with. it has a lot of cool concepts that either get overexplained to death or dont...do anything in the game like the fact that higgs and sam break the fourth wall several times or the inverted rainbows not having blue in them or other small details that couldve been cool to explore on your own..
like idk we get told several times that dooms sufferers have nightmares abt the apocalypse so why not show those nightmares and then when u meet amelie u slowly realize that youve seen this before and then u get the reveal that shes the extinction entity? i think the problem here is that you dont actually get to...do anything. and the things that u do kinda feel hollow bc sam doesnt seem to care abt them so why should i. theres only so many times i can hear the make america whole again/connection is key/you are our hero speech before it loses all meaning. and idk if i simply should have put the difficulty up but i didnt really feel challenged in any way and it also didnt feel like anything was at stake? i got so worried delivering the cryptobiotes to fragile bc they got 90% damage during the oil whale fight but it didnt make any difference in the end.
i do enjoy the gameplay a lot dont get me wrong and the worldbuilding is great and im glad so many ppl had such a profound experience but i just didnt vibe with it that much
+the whole sequence with the chiral artist and the junk dealer dude just felt sooooo uncomfortable and misplaced and why did i have to carry that girl in a bag for corpses so they can get married on the spot only for the dude to send me an email abt her being annoying one day later. bro i Will murder u in cold blood
for part 22 !! this is long im srry ahfduhdfu
“Now laying in his lap felt like a crime. As if you were stood in self-checkout, constantly glancing over your shoulder as you scanned an expensive pair of shoes as one of those 79 cent candy bars.”
said it a couple of times, i’ll say it again. the way you write is SOOOO SOOOO good. we can feel so much and see so much which are prolly like ,,,, the most important things in writing ?? also, poor y/n. POOR POOR Y/N . she cares so so so much for miju like bruh their friendship rlly b toxic like this huh :--(
“But you can’t shake the look on Miju’s face you conjured, watching the two of you with that pouty frown of hers, arms crossed over her chest.”
the fact that this whole girl bestie crush issue is sooooo shallow but bec miju has so much issues (she needs help), y/n finds the need to constantly feel guilty ??????????? i so so so feel bad. not @ me being a miju apologist before yIKES cant believe she made our girl try to drop out of ballet ????? fucking dumbass bitch im gonna slap her so strong
“As if he’d let it go. As if he’d pick up on the slightest abnormality in your mood and just let it slip. Let you drive yourself mad with your racing thoughts and not let him in, not let him take on some of the weight. As if.”
so this is where i started crying !!! i think it’s like the nature of people to just ,,,,, idk ask when they feel something’s wrong but they dont really care enough to actually CHECK up on you ??? if that makes sense ??? i’ve had my fair share of people doing this. they’d ask but then get sidetracked and forget you were someone to worry for. this is probably why this y/n and this jimin might be my favorite. they feel so real, the emotions are so raw. i’m rlly glad our girl has jimin by her side now. he’s exactly what she needs. not just as a lover but ,,,,, as a person. yknow ??? like someone to just ground her whenever she’s so high up her mind. someone to be with her as in WITH her. i love love love that.
“No idea what’s wrong with you, but safely relieved that it’s not him. That he could help you work through whatever it is.”
i hope u know my standards for ppl is so so so high bc of ur au-s i SWEAR to god where r the fellas like this huh ???? hUUUUH ?????
“’I don’t know… I just… keep thinking about Miju.’ Jimin lets out a scoff, rolling his eyes in a really exaggerated way.”
jimin, u, me, same
“You’re really thinking about a girl while I got my hand on your ass? Is there something I should know?”
I LOVE HIM SM PLSSSS *INSERT CRYING EMOJI IM USING LAPTOP SO* I LOVE HIM I LOVE THE HUMOR I LOVE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“His face softens at the sound of your words, becoming serious for you.”
i nominate loy! jimin for best boyfriend PERIOD if he doesnt win, RIGGED
“That’s a terrible idea.” The door slams behind the new voice, your body instantly lunging from Jimin’s lap to the vacant space behind him”
like everyone else, i tot this was miju too HAUFHDIUHFUDHUF
and then we came to the part where jimin was having his crisis bc he wants The Sex but our baby is just not having it. i actually really like the way you portrayed it. whenever he’ll talk about wanting to fuck, he’d always say but he understands and he respects. that’s reality baby. he’s a man of honor but obv he has his ~hormones~ and i cANT STRESS ENOUGH how much i love you for writing that !!!!! they jus feel real ok like . how do u even do this ???? HOW IS YOUR MIND CAPABLE OF WRITING THINGS LIKE THIS YOU TALENTED TALENTED BABY
// ok now that i just reread it, i jus found out that they talked abt the ballet thing in this chap LMAOOOOO i thought it was when they were in the dance room ajidjfijoifjafiodj //
“Can’t wait to fast forward past all this shit. Feel like I haven’t seen you smile in a while.”
cried to this too. like ,,, cried VERY HARD. i turned my phone off AHAHHAHAHA this is pAINFUL . y/n’s going through so much and i jus feel feel feel so bad (also hits close to home) . i feel like im always gon think of this line now whenever i feel a small inconvenience afiudhuihdui . CANT WAIT TO FAST FORWARD PAST ALL THIS SHIT . WANNA SEE MYSELF SMILE AGAIN
“Surprised that he even cared about the difference, but he did.”
when i read this, yes, i cried HARDER . we all need a loy jimin in our lives huh ?? . he's just ,,,, It. like It . jimin loy best boy !!!! also @ yn. DESERVE !! youve always been the older sis, the good good friend, with jimin, u can rest bby. u can lay low, u can do whatever u want :--( u deserve it
“Did you just call me your girlfriend?”
AFHUDSHFJKAHDFJKSHAJKDHFJKAHFKJDSHFJ THERE WE HAVE IT FOLKS BYE
“No.” There’s an exaggerated roll of his eyes. “I’ve only been referring you like that in my head for the past month for fun,”
im having so much fun imagining a jimin in my life FOAHDSIFHIDSHOIFHIO ihy sm for making me realize how dry my love life is CAN I PLS LIVE IN THIS UNIVERSE N TRY TO FIT MYSELF IN BETWEEN THESE TWO AJAJAJAJA (no i wont yn deserves this but whatever mom i wANT HIM)
“I want you to be my girlfriend. So that I can be your boyfriend. And we can be boyfriend and girlfriend to each other, together.”
look at them go :--( cringey babies idk theyre so so so so so so so so nd i cant stress enough SO SO SO SO ADORABLE
“Go ahead. I’ll protect you.”
IM FUCKING SCREAMINGAHDHUFDHUSHIUHAFUIHDSFUI I LOVE HIM OKAY MUM I LOVE HIM CAN I PLS HAVE HIM WHERE DO I FIND (but also, IVE BEEN SAYING IT but like thank thank thank thank fuck they found each other. though y/n has kook, jimin is jus different ,,, i mean obv right but yes im just so so so so glad. y/n doesnt need to always be strong and dependent now. she can just be her and jimin loves that. SIGN ME UP UHUH UHUH
and then we have this whole talk with the moon and y/n quoting him back. i think loy yn and jimin best couple ????? I WILL FRAME THE WHOLE MOON TALK OKAY BYE ,,,,,,,, but fr thats so wholesome and i feel so honored i get to read this FOR FREE. it’s just soooo *insert that aww-ing emoji the one w big eyes* . i love them so much im willing to risk it ALL. theyre so so so so amazing. YOURE AMAZING. i LOVE IT.
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a-z analysis for ateez hongjoong 💛
a = aftercare
joong would be the softest boy ;-; making sure his partner is okay and not too exhausted and would help them clean up - most of the time he’d do the cleaning up for them, obviously asking if they’re okay to do it themselves first or asking if they want him to help them. he’d bring the tissues and towels from the bathroom onto the bed for them and would cuddle with them afterwards, showering them in smooches. he’d probably sneak in a nice scalp massage too ;-;
b = body part
i don’t think joong would have anything physical about himself that’s his favourite, he’s said that his favourite thing about himself that he’s most confident in is his music skills so let’s talk rap skills,,,,, that would help him be very good at oral bringing that into the bedroom and i just KNOW he’s the most magnificent kisser oh god,,, im weak just thinking about it.
on his partner i think his favourite body part would tie into something both physical and non-physical,,, their throat,,,, the way it moves around when they’re giving him head and the way it moves when they’re moaning and crying out when things are getting frisky,, this ties into joong loving his partners voice too,, just the sounds they’d make when he does anything at all to them would drive him fucking insane in the best way ofc
c = cum
i think while joong wouldn’t have a lot of cum, he’d love to get wild with it at times. cumming on his partners back, chest, stomach, face - whatever was closest during any act. he’d also love his partner to do the same with him, cumming all over him wherever they can and he’d love to lick it up n swallow it and seeing his partner swallow his too, would make him so close to cumming all over again.
d = dirty secret
hmmm i think joong would love butt stuff,,,, anal, butt plugs, rimjobs and everything in between, whether it involved giving or receiving as long as it involved butt play, he is into it.
e = experience
pretty experienced, not overly so but just enough and while he wouldn’t mind if his partner is or isn’t, he’d get so off on the thought of showing a less experienced person the ropes and kind of ‘tainting their innocence’ in a way you know?
f = favourite position
just like i said before,,, butt stuff !! !! so doggy style mmmmm he’d also love his partner having their legs over his shoulders
g = goofy
omg he’d love to laugh while doing things, whether it’s because his partner’s done something unintentionally cute or silly or if he just wants to throw in a cheesy one-liner or pun, he wouldn’t wanna take it too seriously
h = hair
he’s definitely the type to completely shave everything down there, including his ass. he wants everything nice and fresh for his partner and for himself too ofc,, he would just feel more comfortable & hygienic being completely hair free
i = intimacy
if he was actually romantically interested in someone he’d want to make the moments a little more romantic and show/confess his feelings, and if he was in a relationship with the person he’d have his moments where he’d make a romantic setup for the moment but he wouldn’t do it all the time. but he’d for sure always be intimate and want to be close to his partner when getting frisky,,,, or at least afterwards if he was feeling too wild for intimacy O-O
j = jack off
oh joong would 100% jack off quite often, if his partner wasn’t around or if he was just feeling to horny to wait. especially if he wasn’t seeing anyone at the moment whew he’d masturbate SO much.
like ive been saying this whole time !!!! ASS PLAY!!!! aaa a a aa a aa!!! i feel he’d be a kinky motherfucker too and would have several kinks that he actively partakes in and enjoys, too many that i can’t even name them all.
l = location
joong would do it anywhere and everywhere, he wouldn’t do it out in open blatantly in front of people, but the thrill of the possibility of being caught or someone walking in would really add to thrill and excitement so he’d love to do it in the practice room when everyone else is gone at that moment. his favourite place though,,, would be his studio of course - gives him more ~inspiration~ for music and plus he just finds it really fucking hot when his partner blows him underneath his desk,, especially when he’s talking to someone else or in the middle of making a song.
m = motivation
honestly, joong is a simple man. nothing in particular gets him going, it just happens most of the time. his own mind is usually the cause, just thinking about something dirty or fantasising about doing something would make him instantly hard.
n = NO
i don’t think there’s anything at all he’d turn down, if his partner suggested something to him and wanted to do something he’d do it. he wouldn’t knock anything until he’s tried it at LEAST once.
o = oral
he’d love receiving and giving equally and he is not ashamed to admit that he loves getting head so much. if he was in a committed relationship he’d love giving just that little bit more and would often give without wanting anything back, but obviously if his partner offered he wouldn’t refuse. he is good at oral and knows it and loves to see his partner squirm as he works his tongue and he loves to see his own dick disappear inside his partners lips.
p = pace
joong definitely loves a bit of everything and it 100% just depends on his mood, but most of the time i think he’d go for more fast paced sex, fast but deep thrusts - not necessarily rough. and when it’s more sensual and slow the thrusts would then tend to be harder & rougher, and even more deep. whew, that thought is painful to think about.
q = quickie
100% would always be up for quickies, especially when his partner is more in the mood for it than he is. quickly dashing off to the shared/disabled toilet, feeling no shame if anybody sees them go in or come out together. also no shame with leaving whoever they were with at the time together, not making any lousy excuse as to why they’re suddenly rushing off somewhere together and coming back all dishevelled, even though him and his partner would try to clean up and hide the fact they just had some rough, dirty quick sex.
r = risk
100% loves to take risks in sex & relationships (with consent ofc) and would 100% experiment and be completely unphased by it. he’d experiment with all kinds of people if they were also willing and he’d just love the thrill and to try as much as he possibly can.
s = stamina
if joong was super horny and/or had been waiting for a while to get his rocks off he’d finish pretty quickly, but would quickly reload to go for another, longer round. he’d be able to go for quite a few rounds, up to 6-8 over the span of a full day.
t = toy
he’d DEFINITELY own toys and would love to use them on both himself and his partner, he’d love butt plugs, anal beads and cockrings especially. also, how i said he loves butt-stuff before, he’d LOVE his partner to peg him (if they don’t have a dick) and use a strap-on hehehe or just stick vibrators up his ass. on his partner he’d love to do the same and would love to use toys that help him in teasing them and overstimulating them.
u = unfair
god he’d be the WORST and would never not tease his partner, denying them of coming a few times before finally letting them come all at once, with the strongest most visceral orgasm they’ve ever had. he’d also love his partner to tease him and make him beg to be able to come as well hehe
v = volume
joong would NOT GIVE A FUCK about who heard him and his partner going at it, he would be so loud when he wanted to be and even if it wasn’t loud, he’d always be noisy and letting out a variety of moans, whines, groans, curses, everything of the sort. he’d also love when his partner was as equally as noisy, letting him know that he’s doing a good job and that they’re enjoying themselves.
w = wild card
like i said before about the butt play,,,, he is 100% a switch,,,, and if his partner didn’t have a penis,,, PEGGING!!!!!!! HE WANTS TO B PEGGED LET THE BOY BE PEGGED!!! (or just fucked in the ass if his partner DOES have a penis)
x = x-ray
hmmm tbh i don’t think he’s that big, probs in the average range but on the smaller end of the spectrum but not to worry, he can use it and everything else well too.
y = yearning
ooo i think it’s pretty high, at least most of the time if he was with someone. if he wasn’t exclusive with anyone i think he wouldn’t be phased much as it’s harder to get some if he doesn’t have anyone to go to.
z = zzz
joong would do it at any point in the day, not just nighttime so he’d fuck and then go back to doing chores or leave to go practice and make songs in the studio (which is rlly hot to think abt ngl) but ofc he’d fuck when he comes back home to, probably for a longer time and then yeah he’d fall asleep but definitely not quickly after, he’d be up just scrolling on his phone for a while.
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episode one: “that challenge was going to drive me coco-nuts” - kat
evicted: sydney (15-2)
YOUSEF VL: https://youtu.be/Jw1heRihKN8
NATHAN VL: https://youtu.be/4uwmeObBBMs
ok so. returnees vs newbies is an interesting dynamic and im ok with it. never been on the newbies side of it but im LIVING FOR IT tbh. hoping that the inactives go early on and then the returnees push against each other a bit later and fight amongst each other. im THINKING. i should be ok early on! idk if i'm going to go for immunity rn? i'd rather it but i'd just do whatever johnny says bc im here to let everyone else make the decisions LMFAO. APPARENTLY monty and johnny are close? which works for me and jules. and hopefully works for kate too. hope we can stick together that'd be cute. and yousef too that'd be cute i got some numbers w me. BOOM. im feeling ok rn. feeling ok.
I'm a little overwhelmed with keeping up with the messages and everything. Nathan is kind of indecisive about this first HOH but I really don't want to play it and would rather pick flight.Vlin just told me he has my back, and ily him but as I said before I still don't expect a lot
Okay so I suppose I should discuss the "strategy" I have for this season, and my goals: I'm a pretty heavy social game player so I plan to use that to my advantage, BUT I have growth areas from my last game that I would like to work on. My #1 growth area in my last game was denial and just my ability to be misted by people. I'm WAY too trusting of people and I was being misted by ppl I thought I was misting in my last game. Another growth area is my comp abilities, I wasn't the worst in comps a lot but I by far wasn't the best and I just had a really hard time with understanding directions for comps and also memorizing things. It was really laughable, I am the worst at following directions. My third growth area, is that I kind of have a martyr complex and I need to like calm the fuck down. And what I'd say my final growth area is is that I have a tendency to become really crackedt and it can definitely hurt me
My greatest strength i'd say, even irl, is my adaptability. I adjust to big changes really well and what got me to fifth place in Isaac's org, besides being the sandwich between Ryan and Christopher, was my ability to adjust my mindset and game to situations that could easily hurt me
Another strength I have is my social game, in my past org I often even accidently learned really personal things about ppl that I could never use against them and til this day would never talk about, but regardless, those conversations made me appear trusting and genuine rather than fake
And my last strength is HONESTLY luck. Good 'ol luck. I was a mess in my last org internally and although a lot of my strengths were utilized and really really helped me, my growth areas never killed my game a lot because I simply got lucky
anyways, bye. stream American Boy by Kanye West
ME HAVING TO PLAY WITH JOHNNY AGAIN
It was the first day in the big brother pasio house and WHEW it was CRAZY. I seriously thought that I was a social player from all of the survivor games I have played but this is on a whole nother level. When my plane landed irl the game literally began. Picture me in the car with my dad typing furiously to all 20 people that messaged me LOL. I think he thought I was cracked. We had lots of fun today and played animal crossing. CUTE> I find Eve a bit intimidating because she put out a video saying she is a villian. All throughout the call tonight she kept reminding us that too ugh!!! I am SPOOKED. I feel very overwhelmed right now but I should keep the rest of my judgements until tomorrow.
doin ok! already thinking i might be overplaying LMAO. im feeling good with anthony, aria, chloe, johnny, jules, kate, yousef... like em all. 5 of em are newbies which is nice bc i'd like to be #NEWBIESTRONG but i dont wanna play the lines too strong. ik that eventually the returnees will band together but that wont be until later in the game. it just makes sense to bc the newbies... will target them... like im thinking abt right now!!! but idk it's heating up. finally got around to talking to kat and had 1 convo. her partner is sydney which works for me bc i dnt rly have any relationship with either. im tryna ... not be me when talking to kat bc i wanna be at a distance? i dont wanna be close to EVERYONE yknow. dont wanna be playing too hard and i dont wanna be hoh any time soon. ig being able to go for immunity def helps me out on that front tho which is nice. im gna PREVAIL. FIGHTING THRU THE FIRE AND FLAMES. idk i just wanted to say smth cool so u have material for ep titles LMAO. I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD! also it says i can send podcasts here who would send im a podcast what. i've been listening to the off menu podcast i'll just send u that next time w.e. bye.
(a little bit later)
oh nvm her partner is renee not sydney. LMAO WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE IDK. SYDNEY AND RENEE ARE RETURNEES TOO, ARENT THEY???
(a while later)
monty becoming hoh is fine! he's close with johnny and jules i think and they are two of my closest allies so i aint worried rn! should be nice. im expecting sydney to be nommed this week tbh? she didnt compete in the challenge and hasn't rly been around socially n that's fine w me. let the lambs go to slaughter. u kno how it is. maybe uhhhh let's think. sydney vs. renee noms? makalah going up would be fine too. or maybe katrina. idk im okay with any of em going bc i have ZERO relationship with em. u KNOW how it is. boom. done.
Hiii! So the first HoH competition just happened, and Jules and Monty won since they were the only ones to compete. Lukas and I decided to go for immunity (altho I still wanted to throw this also, but we ended up flopping it anyways lmao) because I really did NOT want the first HoH, or probably any prejury HoHs really. It can put you in a really tough spot, especially with a cast of 19 other players.
I feel like I have been incredibly social, messaging all the other cast members first for the most part. Conversations are happening here and there, but nothing very substantial. Sydney is basically completely MIA so she will likely be one nominee, no idea who the other will be, but probably Renee if I had to guess.
I'm a bit worried about alliances, since I normally usually have at least one by now. The people I'm clicking with most is still hard to determine, but people that come to mind are Kat, Aria, Jules, Lukas, Monty and Dylan, I suppose. I think I'm in pretty good with everyone right now though. I'd like to think so, at least.
Until next time!
at least i'm not gonna go from winning to first boot hehe
hey hey! so life is a nightmare and i think everyone hates me already fdahsbfhdsa, like I get we're all balancing convos but when I have to wait hours for an answer to "hows it going" when they're the ones who started the convo,,, perhaps im just needy fsdbajfd
Either way things seem to be going pretty okay for me! I guess its the calm before the storm, Anthony approached me about making a trio between us and owen which i said yes to (who says no to an alliance??) although owen seems kinda hesitant which is worrying, im kinda scared about it leaking and all that but thats usual things
In terms of pregames, jules watched me win a speed before and shes super fun funky fresh, me and makalah played an org before where we fell on opposite sides and on the block together so im perched for a fresh start, and then i've seen caleb around my usual communities so we decided we would team up for this which is great
ALSO just did a vc with anthony and made a f2 called dumbass bitches b/c why not, we talked a bunch of honest strat but i cant help the feeling that hes making more duos or at least hes a smart player. Kinda feel like hes just hyping me up a bunch and all that but I'll keep him in my back pocket for now
lowkey i have a problem w/ vcs because im scared of awkward silence so then i ramble and end up annoying everyone,, which isnt great
had a vc w/ monty where he said im safe and said maybe renee and sydney might be possible noms??
God and it’s already as overwhelming as I remembered it. 19 people ......... anyway.
Monty won HOH, which I feel partially alright about. I’ve played with Monty before and we didn’t get along in the game , but I’m hoping that’s all in the past and he wants to stick w me. I also know Johnny and Emily. I love them both so I’m nothing but happy to see them. Emily is NOT winning again tho and y’all can count on that.
Caleb and I fuckeddded up that challenge but I think we have a nice bond now. My fav person so far is Aria. She’s the sweetest fucking person ever and I wanna stick with her forever. I’ll make a video DR later when shit pops off
Omg, I've said it a thousand times over and I'll say it again... but, I truly cannot believe I'm playing BB Pokemon again. I truly never expected to play again, so getting the chance to play in the series that has brought me the most memories is so special. This time around I'm feeling much more balanced and honestly just mature. The last two times I played I didn't really play a game that was myself, rather a character of myself I wanted to play and it ultimately was my demise two times over. This season I'm ready to make bonds that are true, but also not be the BIGGEST social butterfly. Oftentimes I become too social and it makes a target of me. This first week is all about creating bonds and finding those select few people that I can ROCK with. As of now, I am loving Aria, Johnny, Chloe, and you can throw Kate in there as well. Monty winning HOH isn't really the worst case scenario, we didn't talk as much as I would have liked, but we also had a really genuine conversation before and we talked about how playing together has always kind of been a pipe dream. If anything, I'm praying he pulls what I did in BotS and simps over me like I did over Shoib. The difference this time around is while I know a good chunk of these people, I don't have as bad of a history with a good chunk like I did with BotS (besides Eve) -- As long as Eve and I can put our differences aside, then I am praying I can get through these first few weeks scotch free. I just don't wanna be first boot... If I have to stroke Monty's ego or suck him off in the HOH room, I guess that's the strategy I may have to do in order to ensure safety. Pray for me, because it's gonna be a bumpy vacation.
I'm sending this before noms are posted but lmao I honestly am expecting a Sydney/Renee set? I think they are the two whose kind of been the most inactive but they started talking a bit more today!
I hate that its them because I actually really like Renee from our limited conversation and her intro video and I would love to keep her in. I hope she wins POV somehow.
I definitely am trying to build these relationships up with people to work with them down the road.
Kate has kind of already expressed interest in working together (FloridaGANG) and I also really like Johnny and Monty though nothing has been solidified with all those people.
As I said in the past DRs, me and Kat were close a while back so I am hoping to reignite that and maybe bring in some other people. I am going to talk w Yousef later so hes a definite option. I already have an alliance with Aria who is currently my Number 1 gal, and with Aria/Owen though idk if that one will last.
Nonetheless this week is all about building relationships and trust with people!!
(a little bit later)
Just had like a two hour convo with Yousef! King!!! I think I have his trust, idk we talked a good bit of game and I can see myself working w him in the long run. Nothing official yet, but I definitely think I've secured a strong bond w him just like I have with Aria!!
a lot of the time u feel like conversations are like a game of chicken where ur just waiting for the other person to stop replying to u LMAO. i like yousef a lot but sometimes it felt like the conversation was being drawn out just for the sake of it. i feel good about him tho i think at least in the early game he's someone i can trust a lot. he's obv really good socially tho so someone to watch for in the later stages for sure. he's basically the only person i've spoken to today tho except for jules a lil i think. i think im building myself some solid bonds or at least solid foundations rn and im happy w that.
(a little bit later)
so my game right now... seeing as it's still week 1... is basically just what i like to consider 'action by inaction'. episode title? maybe. im just tryna. not get into crosshairs. build relationships. slowly but surely. im barely DMing people, make sure they DM me first. make sure there are still clear, obvious targets around. I have a decent base of relationships as it stands, and a lot of people I'm good with are good with other people too so I'm feeling ok about it. like... I'm good with johnny, who is good with monty... and i'm good with yousef, who is good with eve... chloe idk. always an enigma LMAO love her tho. jules knows ppl so i need her on my good side ofc. anthony idk he's slimy. very slimy. i dont TRUST him. the way he was tryna act like *I* was the one that wanted the alliance. and he told aria that i wanted it. I DO NOT LIKE THAT. IT'S SLIMY! i dont wanna PLAY WITH HIM LMAO. he was too quick to be like 'hey let's be allies'. it was way sus. but yea I have a good base of like 6/7 people right now and I think I should definitely be safe in the early game. played some animal crossing with emily earlier too so building relationship there is helpful. I dunno if she'll be long for the game considering she's an ex-winner and all, though. feeling good about my position rn which means I've probably jinxed it and I'm out next lol woo!
i've decided rn i'm gonna throw this game for miss aria my QUEEN
(a little bit later)
ur gonna have a two time winner this season and its gonna be dylan winning biggest clown twice
Click HERE to see the Goodbye Messages for Sydney.
DAY 2 CAST ASSESSMENT: https://youtu.be/G3ueuR53T_I
WEEK ONE CAST ASSESSMENT: https://youtu.be/3qrAhju8GYI
Wrong Direction: Chapter 2 (K. Kapanen)
“I just got off the phone with Max,” it's been two weeks since I've moved into Will’s place, my stuff still in boxes all over the apartment.
“Oh?’ William responds, tossing me a smoothie from the fridge as we get ready to go to practice. I still go to sleep in tears and wake up with puffy eyes, but Willy makes me feel like everythings going to be okay, if not today then someday soon. “How is he?”
“Good,” I tell him, scratching at the back of my neck, refusing to look up at him knowing what comes next. “He asked me to come stay with him. Well, he didn't ask. He's kinda forcing me.”
“Oh,” Will says. He turns around and faces me with a look on his face of a mix of betrayal and hurt, and it makes me want to burst into tears. “Um, well, are you gonna go?”
“I have to, babe. He's my brother, and he said that if I don't come by myself he'll pack my things for me the next time he comes to Toronto.” I feel bad, but I do miss Max.
Willy just frowns at me. “When are you leaving?”
“Uh, tomorrow. He said he'd buy me a plane ticket.”
“To Montreal?! I could drive you!”
“I know, its okay. He’s the one paying so I don't really care honestly. Don't we have to get going?’
“Yeah,” he giggles, glancing at the watch on his wrist.
On our way to the arena, I take deep breaths to try to calm my racing heart and shaking hands. Seeing Kasperi this often still hurts just as bad as seeing him in bed with that girl. But the whole situation has given me a lot of inspiration for a new song that i've been working on, bouncing ideas off of Will day and night.
He notices my agitation and reaches over to grab my hand. “After this, you won't ever have to see him or me ever again.”
“Hey, don't say that,” I pout. “I'll be back and i'll move back in with you, if you let me, in a couple months. I just need a break from Toronto. Everything I know is laced with memories of him. I can't even enjoy your games because he's there.”
Will nods without looking away from the road. “You're always welcome at my place. We’re all still really pissed at him, you know. Mitch hasn't spoken to him since that night, and you know how Mitch is. Auston doesn't even look at him, and Zach’s only talking to him because he feels bad that everyone is making every effort to ignore him but me. The whole fucking team loves you, Y/N. Oh, and Derms took a slapshot at his ankle the other night and he had to sit out for an entire period.”
My eyes are brimmed with tears and I have to look up at the ceiling of the car to keep them from spilling over. “Can you let the guys know i'm leaving? I'll obviously talk to them, but I don't want to be the one to break the news to them.”
Will nods. “Of course.” he smiles at me then and looks away from the road for a split second to wipe away a tear.
I sit in the third row to watch the boys’ practice and try to continue writing, but the yelling and pucks hitting the boards constantly is distracting, so eventually I give up and watch them skate. During a water break, I catch myself watching Kasperi. All he does is take a few deep breaths, but watching him like this, as if nothing ever happened, makes my heart shatter. Before I can look away, he looks up at me and I watch his entire face fall. He stares at me and I stare back. He studies me, as if to memorize me. I can't look away, and he refuses to skate away. He continues forward, until he's at the boards and we’re a few feet away from each other. Neither of us can pretend we weren't looking at each other. He stops, and so does my heart. And we just watch each other. Just stare. My heart is breaking with every moment that passes, and my stomach hurts, because he was my everything.
A whistle blows. Kasperi whips his head around. The sounds of the rink come back into my ears, and we’re both taken out of the world where we were the only two people who existed. He skates away, glancing back at me once before never looking back at me again.
“Y/N,” Willy says as soon as I answer his facetime call. I've been in Montreal with Max for about two months and I released my song about a week ago. Wills is driving back from practice, which is when he gives me a rundown on how “incredible” he was and how he's gonna kick ass at the next game. But today he looks anything but confident, his forehead a mass of worry lines and his mouth turned down into a frown.
“Y/N, your song is saved on my playlist, and I got the aux this morning. After practice, it came on. Most of us were singing, and I glanced at Kap, and he was just sitting there in his stall. He wasn't moving. Just staring straight ahead.”
I sit up. “Woah, slow down. I thought Kasperi and I were finished.” When I moved away, after the day at the rink, Will told me that Kasperi stopped seeming to care. He was out with a different girl every two days, bringing random girls home every day of the weekend. It still hurts, but it hurt more to realize that our entire relationship meant nothing to him. But if Will is telling the truth, which I don't doubt he is, it makes everything a whole lot more confusing.
“I thought so too, but listen. I think that it was your voice at first, Y/N. He hasn't heard your voice in months. And then he heard the rest of the song, he listened without moving, and as soon as it ended he got up, in just his slides and shorts, and fucking left the room.”
I'm silent, letting Will talk. “The rest of us didn't know what to do, so I tried to follow him. I found him in the weights room, and he was in tears.” Will flicks on the turn signal and turns onto his street, then glances at his phone to see if he should continue the story. I nod at him, holding my breath to keep from breaking down at the thought of Kasperi.
“I went to him and sat with him, and he just cried. I haven't seen him cry since he thought I was getting promoted to the bigs and he wasn't. But he was sobbing. So I sat with him, and eventually he calmed down enough to choke out that he misses you. He told me the girls were a front, and that he hasn't been able to sleep ever since that night. And, Y/N, I dont think he's lying. His eyes always have huge bags under them and he's so shaky. So I asked him why he did it, but he didn't have an answer. He said he missed you and he felt like you didn't love him anymore because you were always out doing stuff for your album, but I told him that was bullshit and he said he knew it. He told me he can't breathe without, and that he hates that he hurt you. So I told him to talk to you, and he said he'd try to text you later today.”
“Damn,” I respond, not sure how to feel. “I want to love him again, but I don't know if I can trust him.”
“You don't have to. He knows he hurt you, and that he has to work to get you back, but I am asking you to please just try to talk to him, because fuck, Y/N, if there’s a such thing as soulmates, it’s you guys. You're both in so much pain. Take your time, keep your walls up, but just talk to him.”
“Okay. Okay, fine.”
“Thank you, beautiful best friend. I'm home now, so I'll call you back in a couple hours?”
“Yeah, that’s cool. See ya.”
He ends the call and I'm left in silence. Then my phone dings with a text notification in my hand, and my heart picks up speed. I know exactly who it is, and I don't want to look at it, not right away, so I throw it across the couch with a pillow on top of it.
I put my head in my hands and try to slow my speeding heart by taking a few deep breaths. “Fuck!” I yell, then silently thank Max for going out a few hours ago. I wipe my face with my hands and sit straight up.
I stare at the pillow my phone is sitting under, knowing without ever checking that there is a text from Kasperi Kapanen waiting for me. My phone dings again and my heart jumps. I stand up and rip my phone from under the pillow.
‘wrong direction huh’
‘i miss u’
I cover my mouth with my hand and my eyes brim with tears. I sit back slowly onto the couch and read over the messages two, three, four more times before unlocking my phone and tapping on the text bar.
‘Dang, how'd u know it was abt u?’
I smile slightly as I type out the message and hold my breath when I hit send. I don't have to wait even a second before the three bubbles come up on the screen.
‘ig im just tht good’
I laugh and type out another response.
‘Imyt. How r u?’
I bite my lip when the text bubbles come up, and a few seconds later his response comes.
‘could be better tbh. can’t sleep @ the apt nymore so i spend the nites b4 games @ 1 of the guys places’
My breath catches at the words. Then another message pops up.
‘im so sry 4 everything’
I bite my lip and close my eyes, taking a breath.
‘Thx. I havent stopped thinking abt u’
I take another deep breath. Kasperi was my favourite person, my person, for so long. It's scary how easily we can fall back into simple, comfortable conversation, as if nothing ever happened. So I decide to be straight up and honest with him, and if he really does still care about me, he’ll understand.
‘U broke me, Kasperi. I never thought tht u would hurt me, and u literally broke me. I miss u more than nything and it hurts so bad to b without u, but seeing u in bed with another girl, tht broke me. It felt like our whole relationship was built on lies, and tht u never actually cared abt me. So yeah, i cant stop thinking abt u, and i want to b able to love you again, but u broke my trust and idk if ill ever trust u like i did before.’
I hit send and feel like I'm going to be sick. Everything I type I’ve told Will and all the other guys, but after the day I left the apartment, I never spoke to Kasperi about anything. The three bubbles come up on the screen and I hold my breath, then they disappear. They come up and disappear a couple more times, until a message finally pops up on the screen.
‘i wish i could take back everything i ever did 2 hurt u, but ik its not tht ez. i rly do want 2 fix this, tho. would u b down to ft l8r?’
I can't breathe, but I manage to type out a response without screaming.
‘Sure. Just text me when ur ready’
I take a deep breath and click my phone off. I'm about to get up when my phone dings again. I glance at the message and it makes my chest feel like it's going to explode.
‘ok i will <3’
I smile down at the screen and go to plug in my phone so it's charged when Kasperi wants to call. I really don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again, but the least I can do is give him a chance to apologize. He's already broken me so badly, even if he lets me down again nothing will compare to the amount of hurt I’ve already felt.
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